The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 47

Episode Date: July 9, 2022

Height Discrimination, The Alt-Tab Death Spiral, Famine, Epstein Blue Balls

I love all the drama with all the sealed video game market is hilarious. Ever since I talked about that Charizard, everybody's sending me like, this is why it's a scam. Video game rating is a scam as well. A lot of people watching out for my benefit. So you ended up getting a six, right? I don't even want to talk about it. Well, you have to talk about it. 6 out of 10.

You're a podcaster, Dick. I could have just shit up. You really thought you had like a 9 or a 10? 10 at least, I thought. 10 at least? There's nothing higher than a 10. Well, than that, a 10. A 10 is like you took it out of the pack and no human hand ever touched it.

Yeah? It's perfectly centered. Not a single nick or anything. I was hoping the guy would have an aneurysm and accidentally put 10 on mine. Yeah. The greater. Well, I always thought the best scam would be just find a guy who works there and go, bro, come on.

Yeah, come on, buddy. But then people would compare your card to, you know, they'd be like, that doesn't look like a 10. It has the word dick written across it in Sharpie markers. I'm just very upset because it should have been worth 50 grand or maybe $100,000, and it's not. Sort of like, what, 800 bucks? I probably spent more getting it graded.

Yeah, because you got the rush service. I told you. Well, somebody told me to get that on the internet. I was just going to go the cheap 15 bucks a piece. And he's like, you got to go PSA. That card's worth at least $200,000. And I was like, really? All right.

Yeah, when you told me, you're like, I'm getting a PSA grade. I'm like, all right, well, it's going to be like a six-month wait. You're like, no. I need to know right now. I got the premium grade service. And I'm like, that's usually for like a LeBron James rookie card with like his signature on it. But I thought I had. Not your shitty Charizard that's been sitting in a box for 20 years.

That's my problem. Disappointment. That's a good problem. God damn. It could be worse though. Yeah. What if my nephews had opened it and fucked it up and then I'd blame them for costing me 50 grand? But you got it. Well, that's true. And that would have been worse. You got to go through. You got a whole box of cards. opened it and fucked it up and then i'd blame them for costing me 50 grand but you gotta well

that's true and that would have been worse you gotta go through you got a whole box of cards you might have a nine in there you know somewhere what's even the point i don't know to make money i guess it's not worth it it's not worth the heartbreak of knowing you have a 10 and getting it ripped out of your hands yeah by a bunch of scumbags. You should watch these videos of collectors who get like 20 cards back and they tentatively flip over each one and they go, a nine, a nine. I'm going to beat off right to the point of orgasm and then I'm going to flip it over and then hands off

and see if it's enough to, you know. You could have at least got an eight or a seven. A six is pretty embarrassing. Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready to do it. Charizards. Shut up! That's a big old problem.

What is it? The biggest problem in the universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from bodega bros to driving woes. Whoa! How about that one? That's a nice little...

That's a very solid one. Join me as always. Vito Giswoldi. Yes, Dick. Hello. I'm excited. What's up, buddy? Not much. How you doing? I think I'm doing all right.

Can we get a veto meter every episode? Do we need like a doctor chart? Yeah, we need one of those happy sad charts and I can like push the arrow as to whether this is a suicidal veto show or... I'll play a slide whistle and you tell me when to stop. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. There you go. Right about there. Pretty low.

Well, you know, things could be better. You know what's good is Voyager is committed to giving back everyone their U.S. dollars. That's what they're saying. They're saying that we're all gonna get our money back So it's made off I'm committed to getting it No no no This is gonna be fine

Oh you're ripping on me for my Charizard How about you fuck your Voyager you motherfucker My $20,000 I lost $50,000 Okay well I'm gonna get it Apparently all our money is just sitting in They just have to run a quick fraud and verification process and then everybody gets to

get their money out of this Ponzi scheme. Or you could double it. If you keep your money in, you could double it. I could keep it in and get Voyager tokens and earn interest. I don't know what the hell's going on. Sorry that that FDIC thing was a lie. Yeah, regardless, I think it's going to work. Okay.

I think last week I was suicidal. Okay. So that's why I'm feeling better. Boundless optimism. Yeah. I think last week I was suicidal because I'm like, well, there goes a year of biggest problem for no reason at all other than some idiots decided, oh, let's just give $300 million to people in

Singapore and see what happens. Yeah. Oh, our company's bankrupt. Gee whiz, golly gosh. Well, who wanted the 9% though? Where'd you think that was coming from? I don't know. I knew, that's the thing is I knew it was a trick. I just didn't get out quick enough. I got most of it out.

You thought the warning would be more. I thought there would be more of a like- Insider like, hey, Vito, this is it. Vito, it's time to- The whole thing's falling apart. I enjoyed the 7% rewards until the rewards. It's the SEC's fault. All of it.

Well, I mean. Maybe I should just do the SEC and talk about how they fucked it up. There's a lot of fuck ups. They shouldn't have been advertising that it was FDIC insured because it's not. Well, the bank is. That's. No, you can't. Every time you log into the app, they're like, don't worry about your money.

It's FDIC insuredured it's on every page and you're like well if it's fdic insured they can't just say that can they and apparently they just can say that yeah uh i guess they're now being looked into but we need your super chats more than ever that's what vito's saying i'm surprised that the government that you can just i can apparently just go out and be like, give me your money, I'm FDIC insured. And the government will just let me say it. You are? Yeah, I have a bank account. I have some money in there.

And wait until I go bankrupt to go, oh, by the way, that guy wasn't FDIC insured. Why didn't you intervene earlier then? That was their main fucking advertising point. It was everywhere. What does the government do except wait for us to get ripped off? They're in competition to rip you off and send your money to their own subsidiary companies in Ukraine.

That's what the government's doing. I don't know what's going on, but I know that I'm getting fucked no matter what I do in life at this point. Sorry that that happens to you. It's all right. You ready? Yes. Oh, by the way, we got a new bonus episode. Yes, the biggest problem

in America. Yeah. A July 4th themed spectacular. I thought of some better problems after that. Well, maybe we'll save them for next America's birthday. Yeah. Assuming this show doesn't end with me killing myself. By that point. I'll keep it going.

I'll debate myself. You own the trademark, so I'm easily replaceable by that point. I'll keep it going. I'll debate myself. You own the trademark, so I'm easily replaceable at any point. I'll just debate myself. I'll do. I'll bring in... Yeah, you should debate.

You should do debates with yourself and you could do both sides of the debate. Mm-hmm. Could be the best debate in a certain area. You should trade... I should start a new show.

Maybe trademark trolls is a problem we need to bring in. I should start a new show. Maybe trademark trolls is a problem we need to bring in. But yes, check out the biggest, our latest bonus problem at patreon.com slash biggest problem. The winner. One dick. Freeway protesters.

Wowie zowie. That was yours. And right after that happened, as a voted up type scenario, did you see that freeway protester video that was going viral? Where a guy couldn't get to work? Yeah, a guy couldn't get to work.

He's like, you don't understand. I'm a parolee. If I don't go to work, I go back to jail. And they're like, but the environment's in trouble. And he's like, get out of the road, you fucks. Yeah. They just started repeating like they're saying. The thing is about the environment.

Oh, we about oil. He's like, I got to go to work. If I don't get to work, I'm going to jail. Can you get the fuck? Can you at least let one lane go? You're like the criminals working out. Just let one lane go. You're still fucking everybody over.

But then I can go to work. And it's a perfect example of how you undercut your protest message. About how you can't talk to people. Well, I mean, but your protest movement, now I'm like, even me as a guy who cares about climate change, I'm like, well, you know, now I kind of like, am I on the side of the bad guy assholes? Why do I care about climate change? Do you think taxing can change the weather?

Like if you pay more in taxes, you think we could change the weather? Carbon offsets, baby. What the fuck is that? We tax you a bunch and then we plant an equivalent amount of forest. What does that do? To the carbon that you are polluting into the atmosphere. Where the fuck are you planting the- You're planting a forest out of carbon credits?

Yeah, carbon credits. And that's how we fix it by planting trees? There's a variety of things. They got masks for cows now. Did you see that? For COVID? No, because when they burp, they release methane. This mask that we're going to force all the cows to wear.

Oh, meat. So that's how poor people never ate meat again. Yeah. Because the price of masked meat was now $40 a pound. Do bugs require any sort of masks? No, they don't, interestingly enough. And they're full of protein and fiber. For the environment.

We don't need to eat that much beef. What do you give a shit about the environment for? I don't know, because I like the idea that we have this planet that we were given. It's like if we just do a little bit of work, we can keep it in a nice state. As opposed to turning it into a burning hellscape of nightmare torments where the weather keeps destroying our cities and what where's that happening fucking tornadoes and hurricanes and rising sea levels rising sea level rising sea levels like in the abyss yeah like in the abyss like in spriggan does it feel like a little bit of work now?

What? Like you said, if we did a little bit of work, we could protect our environment. Does it feel like a little bit of work? There's going to be some changes. It feels like a little bit of big changes. Maybe. Actually. Maybe we don't need to eat a hamburger every day.

Maybe that's fine. Do you eat a hamburger every day? No, but some people do. Not poor people. I eat meat every day, I think. Okay. Next was Too many licenses

I'm surprised how positive that Too many driver's licenses Yeah it was kind of a Out of left field problem from Kimball But Yeah Too many driver's licenses He only brought in driver's licenses

Should have brought in all kinds of Well his was that All kinds of licenses His was just that there's too many drivers on the road His was all fucked up Yeah it should have been That there's There's too many drivers on the road. His was all fucked up. It should have been that there's too many different licenses you're required to obtain to function in society. Because he was all hopped up on his vape juice. Why does a barber need a license?

On his lolly vape juice. What can a barber do to you? Oh, yeah. Why do they need a license? Yeah, why do hair cutters need a license? What's the deal? Climate change. No, that's not it.

Maybe. I don't know No, that's not it. Maybe. I don't know. Bodega's was last. Bodega's dead last. Guess we got a lot of New Yorkers in the audience. New Yak is going, hey, how could you argue with Bodega culture? Putting their spaghetti on in the morning and one noodle at a time and going down to the Bodega and eating some rats. Talking about 9-11.

They're going to hang out with Aki and get one of those disgusting sandwiches that guy sells. Yeah, talking about other parts of New York. People like their local corner store. It's small business. It's a little slice of Americana. Would you rather go to a shell station? I don't want to go to any of these places. I want them all evaporated.

Here we go. go to any of these places. Yeah. I don't want them all evaporated. Here we go. Danger Smoog says, my favorite vetoism is when he makes a really impassioned point

about something, then Dick will apply that logic to something he's super against and he gets the biggest can't hold it in grin as he has to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's different. Yeah, because I bring up like a rational point and you go, oh, so you're in support of Charlottesville and I go, no, no. The Charlottesville Hornets. That's what I you're in support of charlottesville and i go no no the

charlottesville hornets that's what i meant do you like the charlottesville hornet i don't want to get age restricted again oh is that what we got yeah all right i shouldn't know why we got age on the last episode probably kimball's vaping that's just possible drug use kids can't see a super sex stud winner like Kimball vaping, and they'll want to emulate it. And they'll want to do it. How do I be a super sex stud like him? The Charlottesville Hornets are a great basketball team.

They're the ones that should throw off the filter, I hope. I disagree. I think the Charlottesville Hornets are a bullshit team. Okay. And that they should be released. Okay. Yeah, they should. The NBA should let them out of their contract. No, no, no, no. Because it's fucking bullshit.

No, it's not. I re-watched the video just to make sure. Of the Hornets. Of the Hornets on their smash hit playoff game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smash hit. Where they bowled over the competition. Ran them over. Ran them over.

Just ran them right through them. And I'm going to say technical foul. I think they went a little too far on the court. Well, the Hornets were being harangued. By the opposing team. Yeah, by the opposing team. The Hornets, the Charlottesville Hornets. The ref was not,

there were a lot of fouls, a lot of personal fouls that the opposing team got away with. I think that they went a little too far. Definite pass interference. I don't fucking know. I'm out of basketball terms. I'm kind of football at this point. Tentacle Prince says, I wonder

what Vito's one world direct democracy government will do with the Muslims. Remember, you said that the world should have one world government. Oh, yeah, all religion out the window. In a heartbeat. Muslims, Jews, Christians. I mean, look, you can...

Oh, you're the atheist league? You're just Stalin. You're just saying what Stalin wanted to do. Stalin had like, you know, 50% of the equation. He just took it a little too far. No, I mean, we'll have a different religion. What? You know, like the great programmer, of course.

What's that? What do you mean? That's, you know, what if we live in the Matrix? That'll be our religion. No, I'm joining with the Muslims. Fuck you. i'm not being governed by a computer simulation and then you know what if what if we're all neo in our own way every time there's a school shooting all those computer simulation guys are real quiet

you guys we're just don't worry there's just data they've just rejoined the stream it's always it's only when they need to like talk down to people to people. What if we're in a computer simulation and it's like, oh yeah, skull shooting. Hey, what about that simulation shit? I don't know. Never mind. I think that we've got a lot of problems to sort out.

But, you know, when the Muslims come along, it's going to be quiet about it. Okay. What are you going to do? If we're living in the future, you can't talk about Muslims come along, it's got to be quiet about it. Okay. What are you going to do? Talk about it? The Muslims. If we're living in the future, you can't talk about a guy who came down on a magic horse and shit. Like, come on.

We know that didn't happen. Silly. Who rode a magical horse? You're thinking of the Disney Hercules. No, no. Muhammad rode a magic horse. Muhammad rode a magical horse? Yeah, into, like, the stars or some shit.

What the fuck are you talking about? Isn't that the end of the Quran? Is that he goes, and I'll be back someday. I thought he jumped into space from a rock. He jumped off a rock. I thought there was a horse involved. I didn't know the Quran had an ending. While all of our Muslim listeners,

of whom I'm sure there are so many, please let us know in the comments, how did Muhammad rejoin his brothers on space planet? Are we breaking the law by describing Muhammad? No, you can talk about what he did. But that's illustrating what he looked like. Like, we're building a fantasy. A mental image of him. Yeah.

If you're blind, can someone tell you about Muhammad? Well, let me draw real quick what I think he might look like. Okay. Draw his wives too. And, uh... Six-year-old. There is Muhammad.

Okay. Bad at Karate says, how did you not go with Freeway Freedom Fighters? I don't know, because there's like a million stupid names you can come up with. Oh, okay.

Freeway Freedom Fighters. Okay. Because they're not just always fighting for freedom. Whatever. Highway protesters cut right to the heart of it. Y'all got it. Y'all figured it out. Nathan says, so recently got the Patreon $5 member.

Jesus Christ. No punctuation at all. Spelled Patreon wrong. So recently got the Patreon with an i yeah five dollar membership and i noticed that the patreon again with an i is over 5k yeah as i was catching up on the bonus episode near the end of bonus episode three i hear veto agree to vote for trump every election for the rest of his life if the patreon goes over five thousand dollars you're welcome. You said that. I did say that. But what I meant to say Oh, you re-nigger.

What did you just call me? You said you're re-nigging. You're a re-nigger. No, no, no. That's not... That's a word. You re-nag on something. No, re-nigger. It's not re-nig.

It's not? No, it's re-nig. It's not? No, it's re-neg. Maybe that's my accent. Maybe it's your accent. I hope so. It probably is. It's to re-neg with an E. What I meant was 5K for each of us, of course.

Okay. So the patron would have to get to 10K. I do remember that that way, too. Okay. If we're each making 5K, then I will vote for God, Emperor Trump. Whenever you guys want, I don't care. And no re-negging on that one. And I can't re-nig on that one, I vote for God, Emperor Trump. Whenever you guys want, I don't care. And no reneging on that one. And I can't renege on that one, I guess.

Okay, go ahead. You're up first. Jesus Christ, renege. Oh my God. You want me to bleep it out? That's a word. You maybe might need to bleep it. We're trying not to get age-districted. And the next thing I know... It's an SAT word.

Talking about reneging. We... Dick. Renegger. We're done. We's an SAT word. Talking about re-nigging. We, Dick. Renigger? We're done. We've already moved past it. It's over. Okay. Dick, you're a man of size. How tall are you? What the fuck? Six feet tall. Five-twelve, as my girlfriend says.

I think I'm six foot even. I think I was five, eleven and a half. Okay. People always think I'm shorter than even. I think I was 5'11 and a half. Okay. People always think I'm shorter than you because it's the old tall, skinny guy, squat, fat guy thing. Because you wear a hat. Because I wear a hat. Oh, you think the hat's adding a little bit of... Yeah.

Because my hair goes up a little bit. Regardless, me and you, we do not suffer from a certain type of discrimination, thankfully. from a certain type of discrimination, thankfully. But I've often wondered what it would be like to be a short man and experience the problem of height discrimination. Now, height discrimination is a big problem. And it looks, did I get all my notes? I think I lost some of my notes. Well, regardless.

That's what you sent me. What I had read was that this affects people in all sorts of areas of their life. Now, one big problem is in salary. And they say that for each inch of height you have, you can expect to earn an extra $725 a year on average. For each inch of height? For each inch of height? For each inch of height. Yeah. So a 5'6 man, if he was able to gain an inch and be 5'7,

he would earn an additional $725 a year. Just because he's tall? Just on average. Okay. Well, what happens is that... He's got to spend that in gas. For driving more human being around. For driving a larger car. Yeah, and he's got to spend that in gas for driving more human being around.

For driving a larger car. Yeah, and he's got to eat a little bit more. So it works out. Yeah, and his clothes are a little bit more... I don't know if that's how that works. I don't know. You think that it's just covering costs? $725 is a lot of money.

It's two bucks a day. It adds up. it's two bucks a day it adds up regardless a lot of these you know short guys get passed over for big time careers when they're looking for the next big executive they want a big executive can you think of any tiny ceos no bezos how tall is bezos like five seven yeah but he self-built the thing that's the thing you gotta be unless you're working it from the ground up he's not hiring other short guys you know yeah maybe that's true now uh there's a possible explanation for this height bias where tall people often have greater self-esteem and social confidence than social uh then shorter people just in general so it could be

attributed to that where just tall people are more naturally assertive based on our existing dynamics. Yeah. But it's also possible that society just looks at tall people and you're looking up at somebody and you go, well, he must be more powerful because he could beat me up. Yeah. So I should treat him better and give him more stuff. But what about short man syndrome?

What is that syndrome, Dick? Like if you're short, everyone expects you to fly off the handle. Everybody tells me when they meet me that, oh, I thought you'd be a lot shorter. Yeah. Because I'm so aggressive. Yeah. That's interesting. Every single one. You guys can stop saying that. Well, I get the same thing. People, to me,

they say I expected you to be shorter. They think I'm like 5'7 or something. No, I'm 6' tall, gentlemen. Yeah. I'm going to have to measure it up. People don't believe me. They think I'm like five foot seven or something. I'm like, no, I'm a six foot tall gentleman. Yeah. I'm going to have to measure it up. People like don't believe me. They think I'm like goofing. They do that to Ralph all the time too.

They're always picking on Ralph's height. I don't know how tall Ralph actually is. He's like five eight. Okay. So he's a little shorter, but he's not like a midget or anything. Well, Dick, what about the women component of it though? Well, that's what I was going to get into big problem with uh with being a small guy is that there's these women and women are already horrible but now they they have these these ideas in their head that they they want a taller man

i don't know i Like, why, though? Because they're so fat. Yeah, they need something to offset their fatness. What? I don't know why they got six foot in their head exactly. The worst thing, because they can't tell how tall anyone is. Women have no idea how long anything is. You can just tell women you're six feet, right?

Even if you're shorter than them. Right. They'll go, like, well, I didn't know how it worked. And their friends will say, but you're 5'7". Why did you believe him? She goes, I don't know. I honestly didn't know. I thought it was different for guys.

Like they had a different system. I didn't know that you're supposed to be. I don't know. Yeah, women can't. Did you ever see the video where a guy's driving around with his wife? And he's like, if the car's traveling 60 miles an hour and we've been driving for an hour, how long have we traveled?

She goes, well, there's so many different variables there. How big are the tires? And he's like, okay. It's crazy. Their inability to do math. They climbed down to that six foot figure though. Well, a study on women and men's height preferences found that women are most satisfied when their partner is taller than them by how many inches

taller do you think women want their man to be five more they want them to be a full eight inches taller than them that's crazy okay yeah that is their specific What they want No wonder my girlfriend's So angry all the time And unsatisfied Meanwhile men do want To be taller than their partners But they only want

About a three inch difference And then they're satisfied Women are like crazy They're like He's gotta be Fucking in the clouds He's gotta be He's gotta be my dad

Yeah he's He's gotta be my dad He needs to be able To pick me up And carry me around And make me a bubble bath. You ever date a really short girl? Yeah.

You got to lean over. Yeah. Awkward. It is. Dumb. But they do look at you as a six foot man. They're like, oh, he's so... Because I'm a fucking monster.

Look at me. But just the fact that I'm tall is kind of the only thing I've ever had going for me. Yeah. These short women and they go, well, at least he's tall. Women's fixation. If I was short, I'd be fucked.

Women's fixation with tall guys makes me want to be shorter out of spite. Yeah, kind of. It kind of, like, I feel like I'm like mad that I have this advantage. Like they just get to look at me and fantasize about tall men. It's like how liberals feel about being white. It's like, well, I wish I didn I have this advantage Like they just get to look at me And fantasize about it's all man It's like how liberals feel about being white

It's like well I wish I didn't have this white privilege But I do I wish I didn't have this height privilege But I do And I wish I could share it somehow with my shorter brothers I don't know what I can do to you other than try to convince These horrible women that they're wrong Get lifts Well we've got to stop making fun of short guys

And when I see men making fun of other men for being short, I go, no. There's a lot of stuff. We've got to stop a lot of that body shaming. For men. For men. Yeah. Women continue. Double it.

Double it. If you're thinking about saying something negative about a short man, say something negative about a woman. About a woman. Well, that's the thing is also among men, 13% of men say they would negative about a woman about a woman well that's the thing is also among men uh 13 of men say they would only date a woman who's shorter than them most men are like flexible 13 are like you know hardline the rest are like yeah whatever she's the average guy five eight i want to say five eight is average five eight yeah it's perfectly reasonable. Women 50% refuse to date a man who is shorter than them.

That's crazy. I was watching a video. And they always got to wear those fucking heels, too. Well, I was reading one article, and it was a lady. She's like, I can't wear heels when I'm with you because then I'm taller than you. And I'm like, is that what you fucking care about? Yes. Who gives a shit?

Why are you wearing the heels then? They're not comfortable. Just take them off. They don't make you look better. There was a crazy dateline video where it's just like, they had a bunch of guys lined up and they would tell the ladies like, all right, that guy's a serial murderer.

That guy runs like a shitty mom and pop dealership. That guy is a multimillionaire doctor. And they're like, I want the murderer. And they're like, why. And they're like, I want the murderer. And they're like, why? And they're like, well, he's taller. Yeah. They would have like a guy who's like five foot... And these are the people that we don't want aborting

babies. No, they need... It was a guy who was like five foot six and they would keep trying to change the details. I bet if you asked women what baby they would abort, and if you gave them a height number, they would do it.

Oh, that's the survey I want. We asked a thousand women, would you abort this baby and gave them heights? And they said, yeah, if he was under this tall, I would abort him. Well, let's say there's twins, and you can only have one that's viable. And one of the twins is going to grow up

to be like a horrible, evil, six-foot-tall guy. Yeah. And the other one's going to be like a millionaire, but he's going to be a little shorty. Oh, yeah. They could change him. They would absolutely abort the short guy. It said here, and this is what got me started, was I saw a 2006 study that said a man who is 5'6", in order to be equally sexually desirable to a man who is 6' tall, needs to make an additional $175,000 a year.

That's the amount that women... A woman will either go for a 6' guy who makes $60,000 a year, or a 5'6 guy who makes $237,000. That's the, women, are you fucking stupid for that? If a guy's making $200,000, he's the clear choice. I would date the ugliest bitch in the world if she was making $200,000 a year. I don't care. It's fun money.

We can do whatever we want. I can buy her the fanciest bag in the store yeah uh put over her head so what these women are crazy and this discrimination yes you see these dating apps you know women say under six foot need not apply move along yeah but you can't say no fat pigs right because then you get in trouble because all the best fucking bad for some it really is sick well that's really sick whenever somebody brings up like uh it's body shame it's really important to remember how we collectively envision and treat women like retarded children by letting them get away with bullshit that men can't even get within 100 miles of. Right? Well, you can't say no fat bitches.

They'll break down. Their lives will be destroyed. Women you don't even know, if they log on to Tinder and go, hmm, no fat bitches, they'll go straight to the insane asylum. Even though they have total control over it. But all of them can say,

no, they couldn't park a car in an airplane hangar because their spatial awareness is so bad but they can say no six maybe that's it actually because they have no concept of how tall it is right they're allowed to say it i think that women and i'll even be nice to the women in the audience i'll say you know you guys don't want us to body shame you on these apps and say, look at how fat or whatever. And I would never date a fat chick. So how can you then turn around and say, no short guys,

they're gross. They're little gremlins, whatever the fuck you're saying. Little weasels. A lot of these guys are very, I know short people. They're very accomplished, talented individuals.

And what, I don't, what, what, what about the height is bothering you that you just want to it is like a father thing like i don't know i just want a guy who's real big and strong and can carry me over the threshold or whatever the fuck else well get over that stupid fantasy it's a stupid fantasy what about that that fantasy works in my favor what carrying carrying women

around well i'm not gonna do it but i. But I want them to think that it might happen. At any point. It's working well for me. Isn't it an instinctual caveman thing where you see the tallest caveman and you're like, well, he could club me and pick me up and drag me and do whatever he wants to me. Is that the most erotic man? Well, apparently.

I mean, I assume there must be a height once you reach Yao Ming levels. Well, now he's like a height Like once you reach like Yao Ming levels Well now he's like a golem Of a man yeah Short guy's gotta lean into it more Short guys need to If I see a short guy

And he's like a nice guy I'm like Lame Yeah I need like What are you looking at I need him to have like An Irish name

Mick Mickey I'm Timmy McTanin I'm Timmy McTanin And I'm fighting mad. Yeah. Should short guys be mad, though? Isn't that a stereotype?

Yes, but they need to play into it. I'll show you, you dumb bitch. I'll take you in the octagon. I've been working out at the UFC gym. And you're like, all right. You're not. Or wear lifts. Just wear giant platform lifts.

Well, that's the other thing is you can just trick people. Yeah, wear lifts. Well, they have leg lengthening surgery. I know a guy called into my show had it done. Yeah. It's really crazy. It takes like a year. Does it take like a year to heal?

I think he said it was like six months. Six months. He was 5'3", and now he's 6'3". No way. No. Yeah, no. They give you like three, four inches, four inches But it's still It's significant Yeah

I kinda wanna do it How tall do you wanna be? I don't know Just like the idea Doesn't the The thought of being taller Is not like exciting To me?

Yeah No Just like all of a sudden Everything is made in my size Yeah it's true I guess I I fit normally in places now I don't wanna have like

Extra long femurs Or whatever It's cool to like Tower over people You know And like Pat them on the head And shit normally in places now. I don't want to have, like, extra long femurs or whatever. It's cool to, like, tower over people, you know, and, like, pat them on the head and shit. I don't even like standing. Regardless, yeah, we should,

you know what? We should make that surgery more. I also read that if you have a kid who's, like, going to be short, all you have to do is take them to the doctor and, like, fuck with their, like, you know, inject the hormones.

Give them pituitary glands. You say this is my daughter? Yeah. This is actually your son? Like, this with their, like, you know, inject the hormones. Give them pituitary glands. You say this is my daughter? Yeah. This is actually your son? Like, this is my daughter. She wants to sex change. I know you wouldn't give a boy human growth hormones, but this is my daughter. Can you please give her a bunch of testosterone?

Why not? If we have the technology to jack kids full of whatever and make them all six foot supermen. Based on this, based on, you know. Can you, can't we engineer kids yet i just be better looking yeah and better what is the point of all this shit like why is this not a normal thing yet i want a gattaca type situation eugenics is the future and just fuck with the dna a little bit no big deal something well they're all like i don't know why people would screen their babies to see

if they have a disease i'm like of course why yeah rid of them that's why i don't want to you only get a couple shots of the apple why have the disease kid when you can just i already got this wife over here hey i already got one mentally crippled individual in my life why do i need a child my problem is uh height height discrimination or shorties got it bad. Shorties got a bad. I don't fucking know. We'll come up with something. I know. Uh, okay. My problem is a famine, famine, famine, like the one that's about to, Oh, the one that's about to yeah. Food factories. Oh, catching one that's about to. All these food factories catching on fire. All right. All right.

I keep seeing, look, is this really a thing? It's real. Is it more so than ever before, or is it just one of those things where you start to notice a pattern because you're searching for a pattern? It's happening big time. Factories set on fire all the time. Not like this, but they're still doing it. Okay.

They're catching on fire. These factories, they're all over the place, food factories. The proportion of unnourished people in the world. Wait, I have actual stats here. Hold on. Smart. There's been a lot of these factories, and I keep seeing all these right-wing types going,

wow, the thing is that the globalists are. They are. Okay, well, tell me. You've got all the stats. You see, Russia now has, like, control of Ukraine's, like, fertilizer and wheat. Oh, they just took all their fields? Yeah. That's pretty good for them. That's pretty good for them.

And natural gas. Whoops. Well, yeah. I mean, taking Ukraine, they got access to a bunch of free shit. I hope they don't try to, like, you know, start a war. Jack up the prices. Oh, jack up the prices? Hope they don't try to sanction us.

How much stuff do we get from Ukraine? Well, it's, you know, it's a very complicated global network. I don't think we get a lot from Ukraine, man. It's got to go somewhere. Okay. Somebody gets, if somebody needs more, we're not going to get impacted, but all the third world will starve to death. I've been watching videos of Russian people showing off their supermarkets, and for the most part, they're pretty good

except for fruits and vegetables is the only thing the Russians are having trouble getting right now. This guy, head of the UN World Food Program, said a record of 345 million acutely hungry people are marching to the brink of starvation.

Oh, they're not marching. They're too tired. They got to stop that. A 25% increase. If they weren't marching, they'd be less hungry. From the start of 2022 before Russia invaded Ukraine. So 340. Where are they starving?

What countries? The entire country of America is starving to death. No, we're not. Around the world. I guarantee. No, we're not, but around the world. Oh, we have starved everyone else. Well, that's what's being... So this is like a

globalist problem. I don't care about what happens beyond our borders. As long as America's fat and happy. You're not starving to... Remember the Irish potato famine? Yeah, that was my people. Well, that's why we have Irish people in America. Yeah. Wouldn't it be great if that famine hadn't have happened?

No, because then I wouldn't. The Irish potato family, that's my half my family. Vote on that, everybody. They had a great Irish potato famine, a statue in the middle of Boston Common. It's just a bunch of Irish people like, ah! And I'm like, where's all the fucking potatoes? There should have been like some potatoes everywhere. They're just climbing over each other? Who had the joke where he's just like, the Irish,'m like, where's all the fucking potatoes? There should have been like some potatoes everywhere. They're just climbing over each other?

Who had the joke where he's just like, the Irish, that's a stubborn people. Why not just eat something else? Wow, we just really like potatoes. The World Food Programme warned that 45 million, oh, wait a minute. 45 million people were on the

brink of starvation... famine across 43 countries. What is starvation to death? No, this is famine. Famine. Yeah, that's starvation to death, dude. Famine. 43 countries. Yeah, but which ones? That was in 2012. Tajikistan. Afghanistan. Oh, they weren't starving before

for some stupid fucking reason? We took all their money. Yeah, well. Fucked up their government. They shouldn't have let the Taliban take over and then they could have had all the cheeseburgers they fucking wanted. You screwed up that deal, you morons. Go smoke some hashish.

And think about your... Has become the world's largest humanitarian crisis with the country's needs surpassing those of other worst hit countries. Ethiopia, South Sudan, Syria. Ethiopia was always starving. Who's starving? That's like a new exciting thing.

Yeah. Oh my God. Ethiopia is starving. This has never happened before. They're like the linchpins. If you told me like Denmark was starving to death, then I'd go. Would you care about it then? I think I would.

Why? Because those are real people. How about those farmers? Those Dutch farmers that got all their farms shut down? Yeah, what's going on? I haven't followed that story. The government decided that they were making too much nitrogen. Oh, they were. Which you can't like reliably measure.

Yeah. So they shut down their farms? Yeah. Like a lot of them? Oh, yeah. So they're in tractors. But then what was their plan? To reopen them once they produced less nitrogen?

They just, yeah, they didn't think it that far ahead. They're just like, well, just shut it down. Don't they need farms to produce food? Yeah. I know I'm not going to get the full story, so I need to actually look it up myself. They just didn't want any more nitrogen. They said we could import food from Russia.

Whoops. Then that happened. Well, yeah, I saw the shelves are bare in Denmark, right? Yeah. You know what the worst part about famine is? What's that? It's the cause of communism and the government. It's the cause of communism.

Yeah. Like communism is sparked from famine. No. Other way around. Communism creates famine. Holodomir. You remember that one? Yeah.ocaust why okay why does communism cause famine tell me because nobody wants to work the nobody wants to work for other people without getting a little something yes it is

it's why they're like well i don't want to do all this work if i'm not getting anything for it all these all the famines in the communist countries were just like idiotic agricultural planning. If they had access... Oh, they planned it right? Yes! I can't believe that I'm hearing this. Mao said to protect the crops, everybody go out and kill the

sparrows. Throw rocks at them and kill them. Yeah. And they did that for like three years. And then they're like why are all these insects showing up out of nowhere and destroying our crop yields they go because the sparrows were keeping them away you destroyed the fucking natural way of communism caused that no bad but i'm saying if they had had just like our guy who's like don't kill the sparrows yeah this was that's not a communist tenet. There's no part of communism that says,

by the way, we have to be really shitty farmers. I see. That's part of Marx's plan. I see. No. It's that under that, they had these mass movements of dudes who knew nothing about farming being like, time for me to tell all the farmers what to do.

I forgot you were the expert farmer from the last 70 years. Yes, of course. From the Chinese. And they planted the rice too deep. And regardless... But yeah, anytime anyone tells you communism killed all these people with a famine, it's like, no. The famine killed people. It's not really

related to the structure of government. Do you know that they came up with a process by which the best idea is filtered out and brought to the top? Do you know what that process is called? What is it? It's called capitalism.

Oh, is that how that works? Yeah. All the ideas that are a waste of resources die off. Capitalism has caused famines, has caused wars. No, yes. There's been famines that are the result of capitalism. I don't think so Famines like Hunger has existed under capitalism

It still does exist under capitalism We still have Hunger Oh we don't have real capitalism There you go There's always an excuse Oh we never got real communism of course I get what you're saying

Did you know they all died before that first Thanksgiving? Because they had a bunch of sharing of crops and stuff and communist shit. Yeah. Socialist shit. And they said, let's just try capitalism. And they all survived. Had a ton of food. Look, I like-

With the Indians. I like capitalism with certain socialist safety nets. Like health care. Like prostitution. Social security. Unemployment. Oh, God. What are you talking about?

All that and what? You don't want unemployment? Yes. Fuck no. Why not? Unemployment? Because you're not worth it. Get out of here.

Go get a job. Go get a job. Stack rocks. Stack rocks. Stack rocks. Do something. All those rocks stacking jobs out there. Somebody will pay. Some kid will pay you 25 cents to fucking play with him,

to play Play-Doh with him or something. Get off your fucking ass and work, dumb motherfucker. Get up. Get up. I think that these social safety nets are very valuable. And that's why when people say, oh, socialism just kills people, it's like, no, they were idiots. Everybody was an idiot back then.

Oh. When was it back then? You know, the turn of the century. Oh, yeah. That's when all the commies started showing up. Capitalism sprayed neighborhoods with fucking DDTs and led to a generation of mutants. It's not like capitalism never fucked anything up. A couple guys.

Hold it, O'Meara, was like 4 million people. Yeah, well, that's what happens when you fuck up agriculture. DDT didn't care for 4 million guys. So our horrors weren't as widespread. Hey, you know what a great capitalist crime was? Slavery. That was all done under capitalism, baby. It was legal.

Yeah, well, excuse it. I'm just saying, look, I understand. I don't know. You can't compare death totals. Yes, a lot of people died. I mean, look, if you had to go back to the year 1600 and some guy said, hey, you want to live at my house? All you have to do is pick some cotton and we'll feed. And do I have to go get a job and work for food and stuff?

And he said, no, I'll take care of all that. I'll get you a bunch of guys just like you you could hang out with all day. Yeah, just like you. Some women, too. Cool. I'd be like, man, this is great. This sounds like college, actually. What if I want to day off?

Sounds like fucking college. I hit you with this whip until you decide you don't want to all right all right all right all right i'll go all right all right irish people are involved in that too i'm not saying they weren't like the irish have done plenty of things that i don't agree with but uh point is yes famine is a problem it's coming it's coming i don't agree with. But the point is, yes, famine is a problem. Famine, it's coming. It's coming to a theater near you. I don't know if it's coming.

I'm going to need to look into these factory burnings. Hunger's not really a bad, hunger's a good thing. Hunger's a good, because- Did you see that? No, I didn't see that. They deleted the article. Oh, shit. What was the argument?

That it makes people hungry to get out there and work. It was like Tim was like tim ferris i mean it is it is i guess a motivator to not die but you have that regardless that's not really i mean i get it depends on the situation animals wild animals i yeah, the point is that we as the human race should just be able to feed people. I can see the UN. It gets you. I mean, that sounds like something like a teenager would write, you know, for like a debate class.

I looked it up. It was true. Why is hunger good? Well, you know. It means that kid who's starving, you know, he's going to grow up and he's going to have a strong work ethic or whatever. All right. Well, that's my problem. That's a good problem, Dick. Fam up and he's going to have a strong work ethic or whatever. All right.

Well, that's my problem. It's a good problem, Dick. Famine. It's not as good a problem as me. Okay. Which is my problem. Great segue from me, by the way. What's up with this Epstein case?

I want heads to roll. The Epstein case. Now you're bringing that Epstein in now? Well, because now they finally found that bitch guilty and we got nothing from it. She was just guilty now? Yeah, like a week or two ago. Oh, I didn't know that. What's her name?

Guy Slane? She just got sentenced to 20 years in prison. But all the court documents are sealed. The little black book with all the names. All the, like, the meat! I don't give a shit about this lady! I care about what the lady knows!

What's in the lady's brain! What's in her notes! I want heads to roll! Why? Because at some point it's like, yeah, you raped all those kids or whatever, but, you know... You still made The Simpsons, so... It's kind of a caper it's kind of a caper part of me is like well you know i don't kind of want to see these guys get away with it now you're just nagging this problem for funsies at this point

we were told that this was it that this was the end of the cabal all this q anon bullshit that finally yeah finally when they talk about about, oh, every celebrity and every politician is raping kids, there's finally going to be like, all right, time to put up or shut up. And we got nothing. Well, it's all of them. Well, then shut up. But then do something.

Tell us which one's going to do it. We tried. We tried to stop. We tried to stop the fraudulent election. And everyone threw it. You guys threw a big fit. Because anytime somebody tries anything, liberals just throw a big fit about, oh, well, you can't do that. Oh, you can't do that.

This is not a liberal problem. The conservatives are not chasing this either. Conservatives are pissed about it. All of them are on the list as well. Liberals and conservatives were fucking and sucking their way through Epstein's little basement bungalow. You walk me through. And I want to know.

Yeah. You walk me through how you get from this Epstein shit to all the guilty people getting guillotined without having a couple Capitol stormings. You got to be willing. You have to be, or election stealings or whatever. You have to be all in on all that stuff. If you want heads to roll,

if you want heads to roll, your attitude has to be, yeah, whatever. If it's against the government, yeah, I'm for it. If they were storming the Capitol to uncover the Epstein crimes, you might have a point. Perfect is the enemy of good, my friend. Oh my God.

You have to change your attitude. I can't win problems if every problem comes back to well, then you should have allowed January 6th to happen, you idiot. That's not fair. They're not all connected to it. You can't have a problem with this execution

of justice and have a problem with all the others. You really can't bring in that problem, Vito, because you can't have a problem with this execution of justice you can't really bring in that problem you really can't bring in that problem veto because you don't support a bunch of idiots who don't understand how elections work trying to beat up mike pence motherfucker look oh so you don't think pence was on the rape list maybe he was there's no maybe there's no maybe all of them are is trump on the list if that's what it takes yes okay all right well i'm surprised to get that from you i we the people deserve full transparency on what went down with all this epstein shit okay the man was a friend to dignitaries and heads of state the most powerful people yeah and he had 14-year-olds having sex with them.

Who partook? Who succumbed to the Raven demon? We know that one. So what's going to happen then? Nothing. So what would it matter if you knew all the other ones? Well, that's the other thing, is that they keep distracting us from this case, which is the most important case in the history of the world, and they keep going, well, there's other stuff

going on. Clinton, all congressmen. I want to know. I think Bill Clinton. What would happen? Nothing. I think people would, if we found out that Tom Hanks had sex with a 14-year-old.

People would love it. I don't think people would love it. I don't think that's true. Yeah. I think they'd be like, well. They'd be making big jokes on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Did you hear about the sequel to Big? Ooh.

It's called The 14-Year-Old Girl's Feet. And Tom Hanks has become a character actor. Ooh. I just, why is this just, why does it just go away now? Now it's just like, well, the court case is over. Because we're we've moved we've moved on and we live in a uh communist autocracy and we have no arguing for slavery by the way we are slaves i have it worse off than anyone under slavery yeah okay they didn't have the hope that they would get out

Right? Because you have hope Yeah, the hope makes it worse That's what you live in Oh my god Yeah I'm forced to deal with this hope that it might get better And the crushing disappointment

I have to wake up every day and remind myself At least the same thing I knew every day was going to be shit They get to go outside Work out Sing songs Sing songs Eat ethnic foods I haven't sang a song for real out. Yeah, sing songs. Sing songs. Eat ethnic foods. I haven't sang a song

for real. You know, when I sing songs, it's because my girlfriend drugged me to a karaoke bar. Yeah. You think that's better than come home sweet chariot?

Yeah. I don't think so. Could be out in the fields having a, sipping sweet tea and having a good old time. Or eating a potato. I could be an Irish slave.

You could be an Irish slave. You could be an Irish slave. That's very true. Regardless, Dick. Yeah. I feel like this whole Epstein blue... I'm going to call it Epstein blue balls. I was promised the world from this case that we were finally...

At least one or two or five guys. I don't know. Give me somebody. They gave you one. One guy. What? Prince Andrew? Prince Andrew. He did it. That's for the British people. Give us one American guy. You got to know. Give me somebody. They gave you one. One guy. What? Prince Andrew?

He did it. That's for the British people. Give us one American guy. You got to give one to every country. Oh, I see. Give me Clinton. I want to know. Did Bill Clinton have sex with those 14-year-olds on that island? Yes.

But they got to give us proof so we can always use it forever. How much proof do you want? No, because then they'll just dismiss and they go, no, you're just saying that. He would never do that. I would need to know. Your guys would say that. My guys would never say that. You guys would say everybody's a pedophile.

It doesn't matter. You guys, every single person. We have different levels. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. For you guys, everybody's a groomer and a pedophile, every single person. I want proof of somebody. Give it to me you want like a video i want the whole book full transparency stop sealing court documents

yeah stop hiding the truth from the people of the world just let us know finally yes everyone is a monster you're right your understanding of the world where everybody in power is an evil horrible monster and you were correct yeah and climate change is not real okay well i mean honestly it's very possible that this document has all that in it you know you wait all the climate scientists were having sex with 14 year olds yeah every single one single oh my god see but we don't know and that's, that's, I need to know We deserve to know, we The people deserve to know Yeah, I don't know

Once Epstein Died? Hung himself I was just over it, like I don't care I don't care what this lady did I don't care what she did, I care what's in her fucking book Of all the what they did No, not ah Like ah, ah What do they do? How could they do this? Why do we just let it happen? of all the what they did. No, not ah! They got away with it!

What do they do? How could they do this? Why do we just let it happen? It's like Kaiser Soze. I hope Epstein is alive. Right? Like a fake... What if he's like Ocean's 13 and hid in a little box? Maybe, yeah, and they replaced him with a special looking corpse or whatever the fuck.

Yeah. I'd like to know that too. Isn't this like a journalist job? Shouldn't journalists be researching this and uncovering stuff and stealing documents and informing the public? No. Because people don't buy ads on that. No, they're too busy telling me which TV show is racist if I watch it or whatever.

It's like, I have Epstein blue balls, dick. That sucks. And that's my problem. All right, my last problem is the worst one of these. Let me paint you a picture. Is this the problem you were talking about earlier? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. This is a picture of you at home

browsing the internet and texting your friends on your WhatsApp or your Signal. And you've opened a picture also or opened another text file document to do your work in. You're using your work Outlook or Excel. And you're looking at that and you go,

oh shit, I forgot the thing on the website that i was looking at i better go back there and you go alt tab and where does it take you to the wrong window so you go alt tab tab again to get to the right one and then to go back you go alt tab tab you're back on the fucking first Wrong window You can never get it You're stuck in a spiral Of wrong number of alt tabs An alt tab death spiral If you will You can never figure out how to get back

To where you were It's so annoying You have to constantly keep track Of your alt tabs Why don't you just click on the tab you want with your mouse? Because it's on another window. Because I have carpal tunnel in my hands. Okay, well then...

I'm all about keyboard. Most of us have functioning right arms, Dick, unlike you. Well, I don't. Okay. This is another disability. This is a classic disability dick problem. You're stuck in it forever and then you're like... It's the disability dick corner.

You know what sucks? When you gotta like scratch your back, you know? But it's the disability dick corner. You know what sucks when you gotta like scratch your back you know but it's with your right arm. Yeah. You're stuck in there like I know what you're thinking punk. Did I alt tab once or twice? I just don't want to deal with this.

Can't you just keep pressing it until you get to the one you want? Then you gotta cycle around the whole fucking thing. Why are you trying to count how many it is? Why don't you just do it one at a time? Because if you click on something else and then you say, oh, I gotta go back to the website, alt-tab, ah, fuck,

now it put me, now it put me on the spreadsheet, but I wanna go to the browser, alt-tab, fuck, it put me back on the text file that I was just at. I know it's alt-tab, tab.

Okay, now I'm back on the browser. Now I wanna get back to the spreadsheet. Alt-tab, fuck, it put me back on the text file. Fuck! This is the most in the text file. Fuck! This is the most autistic problem you've ever brought in. It's not! This is a huge problem. This is a huge problem. Just take the mouse

and click on the tab you want. I fucking promise you. I promise you that I will get upvotes on this, especially the way I just described it. That is a nightmare for people working at home. Do you think the slaves ever had to deal with that? No, I guess not.

I guess you truly- I got cotton. You truly- Oh, tab. There's my bag. Boom, right in. Yeah, they always knew where the cotton was going. No kind of mix-ups.

I'm sorry. You think the whip guys- Oh, I got to whip that other guy. Oh, shit. Now I'm back on the first guy. Shit. If this is a popular problem i will be wildly surprised every slave before i get to the one i want there he is whip you know like when you go

to minimize a window but you accidentally close out of the window that's not real you know when your cd-rom gdr drive is connected to your xanthamum crystal cube what is that i'm saying this is like an autistic computer programmer problem what is xanthamum xanthamum crystal cube. What is that? I'm saying this is like an autistic computer programmer problem. What is Xanthamum? Xanthamum is the crystals that power GD-ROM drives. Is that real? Yeah. What the fuck is that?

All of that stuff. It's in the circuit board. Well, circuit board, jerky board. It's on the periodic table, Dick. Okay. It is. It's one of the ones that's not in like the main table. It's like number three, seven, nine, or whatever.

You gotta tab all the way around to get to it. Exactly. You know what I'm talking, you're pretending that you don't know what I'm talking about to make it a less appealing problem. I don't all tab. I just click. You only click? Yeah, I just click.

What is your productivity levels? It's pretty low. You've gotta be in the trash. I also touch type, you know, or what do you call it? Well, I touch type. I hunt and peck or whatever you call it. What? Yeah.

What are your words per minute? Yeah, like two, three. How do you write anything? How do you write emails? I can, I can, I don't know. I don't hunt, though. You hunt and peck with your fingers? Yeah, I go.

One at a time? Yeah, one at a time. With one finger? Yeah. How is that... Did you not take typing in high school? They didn't, like, pay attention during the typing classes. We would just play, like, number muncher instead.

Or whatever the fuck was on there. What about Mavis Beaking teaches typing? Maybe I should learn typing. If you're typing like that, yeah. It's inexcusable. I can type pretty fast like that, though. That's what people say, but then when you clock it, it's always like... I can do like 50 words a minute.

You can do 50 words a minute with Hunt and Peck. Yeah, it's a little sloppy, but... Well, then it's not 50 words a minute. Then it's zero words a minute. I'll test it. I should do one of those typing tests. Okay, we should put a little... You should bring it up right now on the show. We should put a little, then it's zero words. I'll test it. I should do one of those typing tests. Okay. We should put a little...

You should bring it up right now on the show. We should put a little... We should bonus episode it. Yeah. I think I'm a pretty fast typist. 50. I don't know what's average. Isn't average like...

Well, you said 50. What is your number that you think you are? 40. 40 words a minute. Yeah. With hunting, pecking, typing with one finger. Yeah. There's no fucking way. 40 40 words a minute Yeah With hunting pecking With typing with one finger Yeah

There's no fucking way Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure With two fingers Two fingers Yeah yeah One on each hand

Yeah There's no way You go home and practice that You can come back Bring your own keyboard So you don't cry about I'll use any keyboard It doesn't matter

This one has too much beer spilled on it. It doesn't work very well. You know what? That's a problem I might bring in sometime. Beer spilled on keyboards? Just keyboard. Sticky keyboards. Sticky keyboards.

Yeah. All right. That would have been better than the alt-tab apocalypse. The alt-tab death spiral. I swear to God, everyone will vote it up. Just click it with your mouse. Everyone. It's so annoying.

Well, I look forward to the audience proving me wrong. They've proven me wrong many times before. Hopefully, you fixed the voting. I don't know. That's fixed. Yeah. Famine. Okay, here are my problems.

Famine, the alt tab, death, spiral. Mine is height discrimination and Epstein blue balls. Epstein blue balls. Okay, everybody. Go to biggestproblem.show and we're're done, and to vote on these problems. Incredible problems. Yeah. Let's do some voicemails.

Let's do some voicemails. You're going to have to read an apology if you can't type over 40 words a minute. Don't I already owe an apology for losing a bonus episode? What did we decide on? Nah, this is for real. This one's for real? Yeah, this is a real one.

You're going around telling, like, that's stolen valor. Does every word have to be, like, can i spell check it at the end no there's it'll tell you how you can't fuck up like more than 12 okay letters how do they do it do they give you like a thing to copy or do you just like start writing words uh it kind of goes like a teleprompter okay i'll nail it. Okay. You're in for a world of hurt. I bet you're gonna get like 12. I'm surprised that you, uh, yeah. I don't know.

I'm retarded with a lot of writing things. Uh-huh. I always held my pencil weird as a kid. How did you hold it? Like this? It was, uh... This is how I hold it. Like this. What the fuck? Three? Yeah. You have everything I hold it. Like this. What the fuck?

Three? Yeah. You have everything but the pinky involved? Yeah. It's like you've encountered a pencil for the first time. It works though.

Well, that's the pencils doing the work. I was told I hold my pen the way the Japanese would hold a calligraphy brush. Oh yeah?

In a way, I'm better. Don't you love when people have little factoids about themselves? That their flaws are actually highlights? Oh, I know. I was going to bring in on this week the what's your biggest weakness interview question on jobs. I work too hard.

Yeah. I love too much. You don't watch The Office, though. No, I i hate that because there's a great part where he goes what are your weaknesses and he does all that he goes i let you know i work too hard i love too much he goes okay and he goes and what are your strengths and michael goes well actually all those flaws i gave you were my strengths. He goes, oh, well, very good then. Good job. Good work. There you go.

All right, I got a real problem this time. I love animals. I'm sure most people love animals here. I love animals. But we really got to put a cap on the amount of animals you can legally own if you're in a certain income bracket. I'm sorry, but real talk right now. Like, if you don't make a lot of money, and on top of that,

if you want to, like, you know, better the environment or better the world in any way, or you love animals, why the fuck do you have three cats in a one-bedroom apartment? Or why the fuck do you have a huge-ass dog that you really can't take care of, that you just, you know, normally, we all know you can't take care of it. It goes to the park, fucks with our dogs and shit. Let's put a capital limit

on the types of animals certain people can own and the amount of animals. You know, I know everyone likes to talk about gun regulation. Let's talk about animal regulation. That's the real problem. That's true. The Constitution doesn't say anything about animals.

It's true. Think of all the medical bills and bullshit we spend because of the amount of stupid dogs that exist or cats that really shouldn't biologically be alive. It's got to stop. We've got to put a stop to that right now. Keeping a cat alive costs like a dollar a day.

You never said what income bracket that should apply to. Well, I felt like when you talked about three cats in a one-bedroom apartment, I have a two-bedroom apartment. One room's all video games and garbage. One room's an office, one room's a bedroom. Here we go. Hi, Dick and Dito.

Hi. My name's Sarah.ah biggest problem in the universe is that women are fucking obsessed with the moon and their horoscopes and their goddamn crystals yes as a young woman i'm finding it very difficult to make friends with other women because i want to know what my star sign is and then show me all their crystals and talk about their shaman and fucking retarded anyway love the show and i'm a c cup thank you oh jesus christ see but some guys who are like i have a buddy and he is he is into crystals and like shamans and shit so for real as the girls go nuts for him is he really

into it is he just doing oh he loves fucking crystals like the girl's name crystal no like scattered all around he's like over his doorway he's like that crystals for like this kind of energy and shit does he have any that cause abortions uh yeah the red one beneath the bed the second he's done having sex a demon pulls the baby's potential soul down to hell oh wow yeah so you do think baby fetuses have a soul everything has a soul liberal no you only get it fetuses have a soul? Everything has a soul. It's a liberal. No, you only get a soul like two weeks after you're born.

Up until then, soulless. What does he... Does he go to the crystal store by himself? He'll just, you know, he gets girls and they want to be in his cult. He has sex with all of them. And then they buy crystals from him. He's like a drug dealer, but like crystals.

He's got the best thing going on I've ever seen. But he doesn't have any drugs. He also has drugs, obviously. He's not selling the drugs. He's selling the crystals. Okay. Here we go. I've got to say, I really agree with Vito's problem about highway protesters.

Thank you. And the example you guys gave is actually exactly what happened to me this past week with the Roe v. Wade protests. I was in the car with my wife, and she was nine months pregnant, ready to pop. We like to do this thing where, like, we get her as pregnant as possible. And then scrape it? We talk to the doctor, like her like hey what's the due date and then whatever he says is the date that we book the abortion nice um we basically like to optimize the amount of solidarity we're showing for women and their right to their own bodies

okay and so we're we're on our way to the abortion clinic and all of a sudden traffic has stopped and it turned out it was these protesters and they wouldn't let us get the abortion clinic on time like her water already broke and we're driving to show solidarity with women. Yeah. And because of that, you know, the, the baby's already coming out and we had to give birth right there in the car

and can't abort it at that point. That's, uh, we had to have an unwanted pregnancy. We had to give, we had to give birth to this kid that we don't want. And now I got this kid. I can't kill it.

Cause it's on the other side of my wife's pussy. So now it's not a clump of cells. It's not a child. It totally backfired on them. Because it's on the opposite side of my wife's pussy.

That's how it works. They were going to get an abortion and the protest stopped them from doing it. Stopped them from obtaining the abortion. Womp, womp, womp. Da-na-na-na-na.

They could, yeah. Da-na-na-na-na. And the ultimate irony that you're protesting for abortion yet you cause They could, yeah. The ultimate irony. That you're protesting for abortion, yet you cause a birth. You prevented one. You fools. Idiots.

Fools. Okay, let's try this one. Vito, can you do me a favor? The next time you want to talk about the Constitution, could you shut the fuck up? Because you've never read it. You don't understand it. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about marriage is not in the constitution you retard yes you stupid fucking fat faggot holy shit dude if marriage isn't in the constitution

pop quiz uh where does that power fall under is it a the federal government b your mom's house or c the 10th amendment uh it's in a little thing called the bill of rights it's c the 10th god damn amendment state's right state's right this year why the fuck do you want oh fuck you beat veto marriage isn't even bill of rights get it to be knocked out on a Friday night if I come screaming at you on the internet. It's an amendment so you can't touch it, baby. And there you go. Stop blowing up my show with your demonetization words. Let's see.

Here's one. Why is every half the voicemails are about me? I don't know. What? Not understanding the electoral college and why we need it. Why do we need it?

And thinking that a communist one world government will end all conflicts. The coalition of planets. Is exactly why women should not be allowed to vote. Well, I am a woman. So if you took it away, I'm no longer allowed to vote. You guys should be fighting harder for it. Yeah. Stop guys from voting.

We're fighting it harder. The coalition of galactic planets is going to be a benevolent one-world government. How come all the Star Treks are about fighting, though? Because we're fighting Klingons. Because they don't have our advanced socialist ways. Is that how they see it? And they're warmongers. Is that how they see it? I don't warmongers. Is that how they see it?

I don't know how they see it. Yeah, I didn't know that. Well, they have one world governments as well, the Klingons, the Vulcans. Okay, here's a friendly show. Hello, it is I, the Niggler. Oh, no. I recently found out you mentioned me on the Batman bonus episode.

No, not the Niggler. And I just wanted to thank you. You're welcome. And to warn anyone listening that if you're not subscribed to the biggest problem in the universe, Patreon, then I'm coming for you. Uh-oh.

Ha ha ha! Anyways, till next time, Penis McMastiff And Vito Giswaldo That really niggles me That really niggles me He called you Giswaldo

That's a niggle For some reason I thought the niggler would have a deeper voice But maybe that's my own internal biases Thank you niggler You're always Getting our goat. I hope that guy calls back. Okay.

What a show. We need a super chat noise. We do need a super chat noise. And I want to thank everybody for coming by. He mentioned our bonus problem, our bonus problem, biggest problem in Batman. And again, we have our July 4th theme, biggest problem in America, currently available at patreon bonus problem, biggest problem in Batman. And again, we have our July 4th theme, biggest problem in America

currently available at patreon.com slash biggest problem. People have been enjoying the bonus episodes and voting as well. Yeah, they're great. Yeah.

Don't forget to vote on all of today's problems and past problems. I want to see more voting, people. Not enough. Not as much as I want to see more Super Chats. Well, it always seems like the leaderboard is dominated by old problems.

I don't know. Yeah, well, they- It takes a while for new problems to catch up. Yeah. So don't forget, you can always, you know, go look at the whole list of problems, vote however you want, vote up and down. That's why- Be part of the solution.

Be part of the solution that you want to see in your community. Colonel J for five, rest in peace, paypig.org. I'll never forgive Dick for this He's turned me into an A-log Oh, no I'll try to bring it back Paypig was Dick's Twitter replacement Yeah

I just need moderators It's hard to It's hard to keep traction going for those things Darius Renkavas for five Half of crypto on Celsius Oh Oh no But luckily I'm rolling

in smooches. Well, those can never be taken from me. I was holding like 600 in Chainlink on Voyager. Yeah. So if I lose that, I'm like, whatever. I just want my cash cash back. Mike Hunt for five. Getting to drunk and buying the

hard men working hard gay husband shirt is the biggest problem. It wasn't that funny after I sobered up. No, that's a cool shirt. Was that the shirt you were wearing? Yeah, my gay husband is feminine penis. Yeah. I wore it to that bar afterwards and the bartender started reading it and I was like, all right,

I'm going to get a laugh. And then she just like looked away. Well, it's better than me who bought the Mr. Girl t-shirt, which girl pointing a gun and below it says take off your panties and whenever i wear it i get like really nasty looks and i go yeah i probably shouldn't wear this in public uh a painful buggery for 20 says i'm a biologist insect farming on a cost per calorie basis is extremely inefficient. Ha! I knew it! I mean, yeah, I wonder how that works. Is it just that bugs are just, like, propagating regardless of our attempts to farm them, and that's why they want to... What do you mean?

Like, it's not that we should farm bugs, but that we should take bugs that are already out there in the wild and just grab them and eat them? No, they're talking about farming bugs. They want to farm them. Well, that's what I don't understand, because, yeah, they have to eat something to grow they want to punish us okay it's like the slave master wait so you believe that slave guys would whip them for no reason but that the government doesn't want to replace our meat with bugs it's the same thing with us i don't know i don't know i don't believe the government wants us to eat bugs just because they hate us. Because any amount of meat can only exist in a capitalist system where you own your own property and you can farm.

You can have a farm. Because otherwise you'd have to give a hamburger to everybody. It just doesn't work. Yeah. There can't be any kind of- It has to be a premium product. Yeah. It takes a lot of capitalist things to make meat.

Bugs, no. No. It's all just crap. Well, that takes a lot of capitalist things to make meat. Bugs, no. That's why I like capitalism. I think if you work harder, you get a little more in life. I agree with that. You better like it a little more or you're going to be eating bugs down by a river. We're not going to eat bugs. They also lack vitamins and saturated fatty acids that you can only get from

meat. We're obligate omnivores. We need to eat meat. Well, there you go. Just eat eat chicken those don't have souls fish don't have souls either pink sock for two i'm six foot four and i can't drive certain cars yeah i guess that's where it starts stops being fun mike hunt for five well what kind of cars i don't know know. Tiny guys. PT Cruisers. My grandma had a PT Cruiser. That thing was ridiculous. Mike Hunt for five.

Horse, Pepsi, nay. Shut up and take my money. Did you say rings are cool? Futurama is a great show and brings people together. Horse, Pepsi, nay. That's what that's from. Oh, okay. I have no idea what that means. Pete Oxham for fiveham for five disagree with the commenter above about the bug thing

when compared to beef air flying insects are far more nutritious and more efficient damn it damn it damn it now you want them no I want you to read that again. Oh, wait. Yeah, there it is. I'm a retard. No, there it is. I suck, Cox. When compared to beef, air flying insects are far more nutritious. I suck, Cox.

They did it. You nailed it. Good one, Pete. I can't believe that. Yeah, I should have I should have you haven't gotten got in a long time no that was a good get

cause it was actually and he compared it to a previous comment you see that was clever that was smart oh yeah John for 10 sure doesn't feel like

a small amount of effort to save the environment when farmers have started revolting against the Dutch government because of these efforts that's what you said, a small amount. If we just put in a little bit of work.

Okay, well, I'm not saying you've got to shut down all the farms. There's a healthy middle ground. Rex Sexton for five. Whenever a woman includes height requirements in her Tinder bio, I report her for hate speech. Doing God's work. Rye Dog for five. The Barack is a half mule, half donkey with

wings that Muhammad rode into heaven. I'm not Muslim, but that's what Wikipedia said. There you go. I told you. He rode a horse thing into heaven. The Barack? Yeah, it's like a pegasus looking fucking thing. But it's a donkey and mule? It's like a donkey with wings, I guess. Muhammad had a pegasus?

Yeah. This should be more well known. The problem is you can't draw him so you can't draw him flying on his magic pegasus. You can draw the pegasus though. I should draw the pegasus and just have like a silhouette riding it. That's the coolest thing about

Muhammad is when he was done he's like time to get on my pegasus and go to heaven. At least that's a better entrance than like we went to look for him in this cave and he wasn't even fucking there dude maybe like floated that's way gayer than fucking just because that's not believable at all oh like all the other shit fucking is yeah jesus he wasn't there yeah i don't know like well maybe maybe you maybe you guys throw him in the trash. Maybe you guys and Kimball can have a little Bible study group.

I'm just saying. Where you talk about how all that shit was real, you fucking weirdos. A real body could disappear. A real horse, a real donkey could not have wings. A barak could fly. You've never seen a barak before? I mean... You moron.

CG for five. It's for five hard to believe dick's best invention ever was that game where you ask your sister mom or girlfriend when four wars happened five you didn't come up with that though did you yeah do you just ask them for the dates or they got to put them in order year what is it world war one world war two i ask them in order and some of them don't even get that i'm asking in order revolutionary war civil civil war world war one world war two vietnam hopefully they get what the world war is in order some of them have thrown the civil war uh before or after the world after the world wars yeah oh no or they'll start they'll start in like the 70s and realize they ran out of space you're like revolutionary war well that was in

like 1920 that was when martin luther king fought with the black armies right yeah that was the one magneto yeah magneto he fought well magneto According to the new movie. CG for five. Oh, we already did that one. Benjamin Cohen for two. Height for women is the same as cleavage for men. Mike Hunt for five. Isometric exercises strengthen your tendons. This is financial advice.

I should do some isometric exercise. On the windowsill. Pop quiz for a big 20. No. 1999. No, but look. He says, I can't change it to 20. Well, someone else did, so.

I think, no, but here's what I think is happening. I think if you're in America, it's 1999. And I think if you're in other countries, it like changes it or something. Okay, it's still 1999 and he says you can't change it to 20. So that's the super chat. If you believe him. I would like to know why some people can do five even and some people have to do 499.

It's interesting to me. I don't know. Age zero for five. The Fed was made in 1913 in response to the market panic of 1907. The Great Depression happened in 1929. The Fed failed to do what it was made to do. Yeah. Yeah, but they got it all figured out now.

Bike hunt for five. Remember when Neo and Trinity murdered all those innocent security guards at the end of the Matrix? That was messed up. Yeah, but they were, you know, they were like slaves to the machine, man. Fuck them. Yeah, fuck them. You got to kill some guys. Plus, it was cool.

Bike hunt for another five. Due to the lower range of motion, I can dumbbell curl 48 pounds. Short privilege. One of my friends was shorter than me in high school, and that guy would bench a ton of weight. Why? Because it's less travel distance? His arms were shorter, so you only have to move it like a foot. That's interesting.

I got to go way out of here. Whoa, all the way back. Interesting. It's not the same exercise at that point, though. Megan Man for two says the N word. Eric Wong for five. Dick, you already brought in hunger as the biggest problem. What's next?

Are you going to bring in monkeys? I brought it in on this show? No, I don't think so. I don't remember. I think that was a different show that was infringing on a trademark. John for five. Fun fact about Mao. Him and his cabinet would occasionally partake in ritualistic cannibalism.

Would literally eat some of the rich wild. That's interesting. I didn't hear that. All those guys were fucking nuts. Is there to be in there no okay you're trying to see if that one was a trick yeah cg for 10 vetoes ignorance on communism is infuriating centralized planning set party loyalists to take over ukraine's agriculture idiots rising to power is a feature of socialism not a bug well yeah that's a problem socialism uh poor leadership i could see being a problem but you only get poor leadership with socialism is does socialism not allow any sort of democratically elected well democratically elect your communist leaders yes yeah we have idiots running our shit too man like

we are a socialist country i don't think that communism results specifically the ideology specifically results in worse leaders than capitalism uh capitalism results in the most efficient processes for everything, including leader choice. Sometimes. It's a very complex topic. I don't want to get into it. It's a whole thing. John Flory for six. Veto weight loss contest slash a donger showing when.

I have people coming to me. Some guy wants me to do the carnivore diet. I'll eat meat all the time? Yeah, does he eat meat? A couple pizzas. What am I, Jordan Peterson over here? I don't want to turn into a benzo hopper. Ride dog for five. He's such a dick. Alt shift tab to go backwards. Well, your entire problem's been blown up there. I know about

alt shift tab, but then also it also resets Yeah. It resets the orders after you have already let go no one cares umptimidu for 5 if you accidentally close out of a tab press ctrl shift r

ctrl shift t to reopen it not a browser tab windows no one cares all tab troubles are real no they aren't people say use the multi desktop feature to separate apps. Yeah, do that.

It's horrible, too. But that's still horrible, too, he claims. I don't believe you. Mike Hunt for five. I'm 5'7", broke, and have no problem getting hot girls. I can visit Japan without my knees on everything. No knee or back problems. Being short is fine.

That's true. I wonder if you have less back problems as a short man. You're not as much gravity weighing down on you. Stage zero for two. Be fair. Damn it! Damn it! I saw that a fucking mile away! Ah!

Fuck! Wow. I hit a rhythm. I hit a rhythm and then I just God damn it Somebody can make a compilation Of all your to be fairs

Some of them are good Some of them are good God damn it Alright we'll refresh See if there's any more Cause I had I had a good rhythm going I was like

Oh that one's like a short one That's not gonna have any tricks in it And then it was right At the fucking beginning. Oh, my God. Wow, you fucked up. Oh, shut up. God damn it.

Lord Aldehard for five says alt shift tab. I know about alt shift tab, but it doesn't. Well, apparently you don't. Look, there. You just tabbed out of the fucking Super Chat window. And now go back to the Super Chat window. I can't. How is it not easier to just use the mouse and click where you want to go?

I don't get it. Look, look, look, look, look. I'm alt-tabbing, but now if I somehow remember at the time, I can alt-shift-tab and go back. But that's not how real life works. You do it, and then you stop thinking about it. You let go. I don't understand this problem at all. PapaSmarth for two says, love you guys.

I love you too, Papa Smurf. Spider Eternal two, play more VMs. More voicemails. I do like the voicemails. All right, we'll play more next time. Next time, yeah. I mean, they're all shitting on vetoes, so I only play. So you start feeling bad?

Kind of. What a guy. And then there's a Charlottesville Hornets one, and I don't want to get. I wonder if we should upload the voicemails that don't get played so people can listen but that's probably

a huge pain in the ass well we play them during the bonus episodes yeah we save some the ones that we don't play we try to get to a lot of them also Elon backed out of Twitter

it is a sad day I'm never getting my Twitter account back you gotta robo sue him apparently people are like suing Twitter about getting their accounts back.

But it didn't go anywhere. Well, I got to check on my lawsuit. Okay. On my progress on my do-not-pay account. And CC for two says, well, for $1.99. Thank you. Says, short guys are the best in bed. Pleasing women is not something that you should A, pride yourself on

or B, brag about. I think this is a woman hopefully leaving the comment saying Well then I don't care. Put up real quick a graphic on the screen for me and then refresh the super chats one more time just in case. But guys, what a great show

here on The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Don't forget, please vote on the problems. We'll put them up right after the show at biggestproblem.show. And check out our newest bonus episode, The Biggest Problem in America, at patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Thanks to all our biggest supporters on Patreon, including such lovers as Riley. Nicole Bates is here. You picked a woman out of that whole lineup.

Nicole's good. She's good. But you immediately went to thanking the woman. I'm probably just going to names that I recognize. Toilet. You made a point to. Toilet was here. Thank you, Toilet, for the surprise.

And Wiggly Wiggly. There. I hit a wall. I'm just saying you said the woman. Jimmy Smith was here. And Patong All our favorite Fucking people

Thank you for your support At patreon.com Slash biggest problem I love you guys Bye everybody Bye bye