The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 56

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Do you know what that is? Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. Is that supposed to be your friend? It's everyone's friend. Oh. He's the world's best Mexican.

Stop promoting other shows. From Chile. Dame pesos. Yeah, but I'm also saying give us money. So it's not really promoting someone else. Right. Well, Dame pesos has returned after two years of not nothing. Because they stole.

We thought he was dead. People worried. You know what? I'm going to tell you a little secret, okay? You knew he wasn't dead? Yeah, because I saw his account not like two or three months ago. Adam, the dude gay for lifting. lifting okay he clued me in on a little secret account activity oh oh dios mio jesus mario jose he lives liking some posts was

he i'm not gonna tell you what was happening okay it was nothing scandalous though other than that he lived he lived but you didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anyone. Them to await the return of the Redeemer, Dame Pesos. I don't fuck up people's stuff. I didn't. You know? Yeah, I hear you. He can announce his return in his own time.

And he's now shitting on the Young Turks back in glorious fashion. We'll see what happens. You're in big trouble, Vito. All you liberals are in big trouble. You know it, don't you? God, I hope I never have to endure a Dame Pesos takedown. He's too powerful.

With that voice, he disarms everyone. You're done. You're done once Dame comes a-knocking. Nina, whatever her name is that was running for president or something Nina Kasparian? I don't know Some black lady

Oh, okay Did Dami take her down? She's done Dead in the water He did that Alright, you ready to go? Yeah, let's do it Oh shit, you know what I forgot to do?

All sorts of things, I assume I forgot to do the rhyme again Of course you did Give me a rhyme real fast. What do you got? Let's see. We had social. Social media.

Facebook. Yeah. Toxic Facebook. Okay. And. Oh, okay. I got one. I got one.

Ready? Go. You got it. That was a good. That was fast. Yes. Biggest Problem in the Universe Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe The only show that ranks every problem in the universe

From boomer memes to Tim Pool's dreams Got it? I get it Tim Pool's dreams I'm your host Dick Masters Joining me as always Vitoito Giswaldi. Hi, Dick. What's up, buddy?

I got to lower that music a little bit, don't I? Actually, I'm meaning to say, every time we do the intro and I listen to the show later, it's like I can barely hear you over the... Damn it. We're going to drop the song a couple octaves. Now I remember what I was doing when I got distracted. It's just all this Domme fever that's sweeping the nation. Oh, I come over and I'm like, well, Dick, it's almost time to do the podcast.

You're like, uh-huh. Yeah. As he's just listening to Dame pesos. It's Dame live, too. Make sure to leave the chat up because everyone can tell us if there's anything terribly wrong with our audio. There's nothing wrong with the audio. It should be fine. Sorry about that, everybody.

That was Sean's fault and Carl's fault. Sean screwed up the audio. But we have re-uploaded that episode There was a little audio Jigger I hate the re-uploads Even though I know It's good for

All the comments are gone All those tasty comments Gone So I only I only have these Okay ready Yes Social media

Kyle really kind of fucked us Cause he said I brought in a much more specific problem And then he goes social media And I go Well social media is like one of those problems That we could have done Like a billion different

You know like Should the effect of social media On children Social media blah blah blah But now he's encompassed it all Yeah but it's not a problem. We're all addicted to it. It's like calling alcohol a problem.

It's not the alcohol. It's you. It's other people getting upset about what you did while you were drinking. It's true that he kept bringing up all the awesome parts of it. He's like, people are live streaming mass shootings on there. I'm like, what did you do? Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to see that. Thank God for social media.

Now I get to see it in real time. Tipper Gore over here is upset about mass shootings. Kids are bullying each other. I'm like, well, thank God they're not allowed to do it in the schools anymore. At least they have some outlet for it. Women are getting eating disorders, he said. I know. Not by my watch, they're not.

I've not seen one. Well, eating disorders Show me proof Can go both ways Dick They might be thrown up But they're eating Doubling it

They're binging More than they're purging It seems Women are developing Half of an eating disorder Yeah They binge Binging is an eating disorder

Just eating non-stop Overeating is Yeah Overeating is considered An eating disorder Like a dog Like If overeating is considered An eating disorder Like a dog? Like a Labrador? They have eating disorders?

Yeah basically Oh give me a break-a-reno Uh Celebrity bands Well I actually beat you this week Because I was breaking A long Fucking

Uh Strung of losses Thankfully Carl though Was here to screw it over Could've had a real win Oh well And then too many dicks On the dance floor

Too many dicks On the dance floor Too many dicks On the dance floor I guess the people in this They are the dicks On the dance floor I understood the problem Well I think you made the problem A little convoluted

How Is that possibly convoluted Cause you start feeling like There's too many dicks In space Or some shit I don't know You're all over the place

If you go to space Yeah It should be all ladies On the space shuttle. Well, what is it? You're going to just, everyone's going to plug one like family style. You got to have, you're going to get sick of that after a while. Don't you think?

Yeah. Or on a submarine. Too many dicks. They don't have very many women on the submarine. That's true. I was watching some submarine videos recently. Really? You ever think about what it'd be like to live on a submarine?

Yeah, it would be exactly like Down Periscope, my favorite movie. What do you mean? I don't think it would be like Down Periscope. Actually, it's funny. I was watching the video of the submariners, and it's a movie night. We're watching Down Periscope. Is that the only movie you're allowed to watch on a fucking submarine? It is, I'm afraid.

Yeah. Why do you think about what it would be like to be on a submarine? It's just interesting to see the way... You ever look at, like, tiny living quarters and, like, guys live on buses

and vans and... I saw coffin houses. A Korean coffin house recently. Oh, my God. There's no... Is it Hong Kong or something? I don't know where it was. China.

Somewhere, you know. And they live in... They live in coffins. They live in like little tiny areas that's only big enough for one tiny bed. And all their shit is in there. And they're like next to each other. They cram all these little coffins in an actual one-bedroom apartment and then sublease them. How do you get in?

Is your coffin stacked atop someone else's coffin? Yes. And you have to like roll into it, basically? Yeah, and there's one toilet, like, communal toilet. It was horrible. It was really horrible. I have had nightmares about it all week. I've seen, like, the Chinese cages that they have where you just live in, like, a little cage with, like, some of your shit.

Put them out of their misery. But that part of me is kind of like, well, I got a bed and they got, like, a little TV at the end of it. I'm like, yeah, that's all you need, right like a little TV at the end of it. I'm like, yeah, that's all you need, right? I don't live in a fucking cage. Who cares? I need a whole other room. Okay.

And Not Smoke says, excellent stinger this week. Waiting to see if Vito could hit the high note. Then hearing it with the words and the cat was laugh out loud funny. Dick, you robbed us of a stinger for the Nugent sting,

but at least you played it later. I'm totally okay with my monies helping Vito's non-union Mexican equivalent travel to the studio. How about that? Okay. Andrew Tarr, my wife got student loans paid through the military and is now getting her grad school loans wiped out. Also, we both got

bachelor's degrees off the GI Bill. Thanks, Dick. Get fucked. Kezahonda, don't understand how sobering up before you pass out is in the negative. Principled universality. It's really cool that Dick and Vito had a disabled guy on. They rarely get represented online in a positive way. Carl, you're an inspiration to deformed smile talkers everywhere.

Hat tip. Wow. Beautiful. Last one. The special egg council says the special guy, special needs guy in the middle is screaming about social media, giving voices to everyone and how it sucks because people are stupid. Then in the very next breath, complains

about social media, censoring people, taking away their speech. Well, which is it? Yeah. Yeah, Carl had a couple conflicting ideas there. But he still won, so. Because he gave a debate. He just put it in front. What if social media is bad? Oh, wow.

Carl really hit us with that one. Sometimes it's as dumb as the evolution problem that Eric Escobar brought in. It's the same. It's just that Carl said it like a way to talk to everybody all at once. That's easier for you and you can do it. Your convenience. That's horrible. I should have brought it in.

There was a comment on the Reddit that I meant to grab and I forgot, but basically explaining how I'm right about Russian misinformation campaigns on Facebook. And Carl was trying to obfuscate the situation by saying they only spent $150,000. I posted that as a joke. You posted that? That was me. No, you didn't. Shut up.

You don't know, though. You wouldn't have wrote all that shit. Somebody broke the whole thing down. They're like, no, Vito's right, and the Russians did influence the election. I go, thank you. Oh, yeah. I know. The Russians made everyone hate their jobs getting taken away by illegal Mexicans.

They helped. That's right. The Russians made everyone hate Hillary Clinton so much that I'm going to throw up. In a variety of ways and polarize our country. And thank you to that commenter for reminding me that I was right. Well, with you saying that the Russians influenced the election, I had a bunch of guys afterwards go that video guy is such an idiot. He still thinks the Russians did whatever.

And I'm like, one guy on Reddit that agreed with you. There are multiple verified sources that agree with me that clearly the Russians are fuck around in everything. All of David Brock's butt buddies, the butt boys that he posts on, that he puts in his coffin houses and has posts on Reddit all day. They have a giant facility in Russia where they just sit around and make

fake Facebook accounts and they just fuck around and they make Facebook groups that say like, true patriots USA, join this group if you're a true patriot. Then it goes in there and it goes oh those libtards are gonna They make Facebook groups that say, like, true patriots USA. Join this group if you're a true patriot. Then it goes in there and it goes, oh, those libtards are going to. They're just. What you're saying is true.

Those libtards will do something dumb. Yeah, but the Russians are, like, you know, really going nuts. Letting everyone know about it. Yeah, letting everyone know about it, which is unfair. It should only be Americans doing that. With their $100,000. Well, Dick, I have an exciting segment that I like to call Vote It Up. Okay.

My co-host said Dick, his problems are always crap, just dumb, stupid shit. Finger pain. Finger pain and ratchet straps, yet each week he wins. Big winner. My record grows dim. You're doing terrible.

Why don't they vote up my problems? What the hell's wrong with you fucking morons? Cause you've gotta vote it up now, baby. Go to the

website, Don't be lazy. Vote on the problems at biggestproblem.show Vote it up, folks. What do you mean this is a bad one? I mean, that's like whinier than the other ones. Well, because it's whinier because the original song is whiny.

What is the original song? A Teenage Dirtbag. You don't know that song? No. Dude, that was like a big, that was a big, it's not hip hop. I purposefully winded up. You should hear the original. Trying to stay.

Anyway. Dick, I mean, I know we've brought this up before, but back in the news is fear of a black elf. Oh. Though now it is fear of a black mermaid. During the 2022 D23 Expo, Disney released the trailer for the live action remake of The Little Mermaid. Yeah. With Halle Bailey, not Halle Berry, as Ariel singing a verse from the original song, Part of Your World. Yeah.

As of this writing The estimated dislike count is at over 1.5 million And the video features many blatantly racist comments below I mean Well guys They're ironically doing that Oh it's ironic All the racism is ironic

Like they ironically flagged Mr. Girl's channel Oh my god I don't even want to talk about it You know all his channels are gone now Mr. Girl Don't do this Don't do this with your hands Don't do this How did you not know that was going to happen Oh my God. I don't even want to talk about it. You know, all his channels are gone now, Mr. Girl. Don't do this. Don't do this with your hands.

Don't do this. How did you not know that was going to happen? He's talking about being pedophiles and all kinds of shit. Oh my God. There should be room. Everyone hates him. On YouTube. I love him. We're going to get his channel bank.

I got a plan. I'm going to, we are the world it. I'm going to get a bunch of creators. We're all going to record. Yeah, but everyone hates him. No no there's some who like him we're all gonna record like a little 10 15 minute thing that says we like mr. girl he should be on band yeah and then we're gonna send it around the world it's funny when everybody thinks they have like a voice against a monolithic like ghost from the future yeah that doesn't think in three dimensions I love it when everybody goes

You know we really gotta get YouTube support on this Like what are you guys doing? I mean the alternate plan is of course to get the news media to go A Jewish man was silenced by a Neo-Nazi cult leader Why is YouTube allowing this to happen? Just everything you guys need You need Nick so bad

Don't ya? You need him so You need a boogeyman so bad. He's a good boogeyman. He says some things. Dick, another problem that you brought up, of course, was student debt repayment. Yeah, awful. Well, 22 Republican governors have just... I hope you choke on it.

Well, I don't know if they're choking on it. I hope you pay off your student debt and you go celebrate and you choke on a big piece of steak and die. Buy a big celebratory steak and a cake and a pizza. Or you get off early to go see your wife and celebrate and you see some dude plowing her in your marital bed. Fuck you and your student debt paid off. Well, 22 Republican governors have signed a letter to President Joe Biden calling on him to withdraw his student loan forgiveness plan. Gonna write a nice little letter to him, Dick. The governors wrote they fundamentally oppose Biden's plan

to force American taxpayers to pay off the student loan debt of an elite few, saying hourly workers will be paying off the master's and doctorate degrees of high-salaried lawyers, doctors, and professors. Your plan rewards the rich and punishes the poor. Well, we'll see if this letter to President Biden. Oh, like your letter about Mr. Girl is dumber than it's not? I'm saying, if you think my letter is dumb, this is clearly infinitely dumber

because he just bought like 100,000 votes. He's going to give them back? I can't believe Russia would make us hate people getting our money. I can't believe Russia would make me do that, make me hate people taking my money and giving it to a bunch of Rich retarded kids Well guys

Addicted to school Fear of a black mermaid Student debt repayment Two grade problems You can Vote out My co-host's a dick I give you a short one

Always crouches Dumb stupid shit Finger pain Finger pain In Ratchet I don't know I don't know this song This song is huge

Big winner I hate music man Gross damn Is that feeling terrible? Jason Schwartzman Finger pain. Finger pain and ratchets. I don't know how you all know this song. This song is huge. Big winner. I hate music, man. What's that? That's terrible. Jason Schwartzman, the actor. Is he that black guy? No. What the hell's wrong with you fucking morons?

No! I don't know. What is he? All right. I'll show you later. It's your ball. It's my ball. It's my ball. It's never or never.

Well, Dick, we're talking about a lot of things going on. Ukraine. Our good boys are fighting in Ukraine, trying to take down those evil Ruskies. We got to get more guys in there. Well... Send them all. Any guy under 41, send them. Send every man there, especially the one with hot wives.

Get them to the front lines because they're the most ferocious. Maybe we should send in more. They're the most macho. The problem with sending these people in, Dick, is they don't always come back the way they went in there. Yeah. And the problem I'm talking about today is military suicides. Don't do that. No.

Not the sad. Oh, don't. Oh, my God. Dick, did you know that U.S. soldiers are four times more likely to die by suicide than in combat? The numbers are currently. That surprises me in a number of ways no does it they're dying in combat at all well that's true okay suicide rates among active duty military members are currently at an all-time high with some branches of the armed forces experiencing the highest rates of suicide since before even World War II. Oh. In 2021, research found that 30,000 active duty personnel and veterans

who served in the military after 9-11 have died by suicide compared to the only 7,000 service members killed in combat in those same 20 years. Wait, 30,000 have killed themselves? 30,000 killed themselves. 7,000 have died in combat. God killed. Yeah, God killed on the battle. I guess the real Osama was in our depression.

I guess that's honestly No. I'm going to take that soundboard away from you because I feel like that's going to be happening way too much. World War II was fun, that's why to be happening way too much. I mean, these are... Yeah, but World War II was fun.

That's why. World War II was fun, so everybody came back and got fat and rich because we were at the top of our game. They're just having a good time. But you came back, you made 10 kids, you bought a house immediately. Oh, I see. Went to college right away. Yeah.

Oh, man, you came back from World War II. It was like, oh, man, welcome to the land of plenty, buddy. Buying Cadillacs, slapping your wife. And you're like, you better not go on social media, you bitch. Whop. Nothing you can do about it. It was. Women's shelter what?

Exactly. I got your women's shelter right here. All the domestic abuse you wanted without any of the consequences. Everybody had a nickname like like Hot Penis. Hey, this is Brooklyn Balls in your unit, right? That was World War II. So Brooklyn Balls over here. This is Hot Cheech.

Yeah, Big Jim. This is Big Jim over here. That's a good one. That's a good war nickname. You could say whatever slur you wanted now we're just like a festering ball of hatred and anxiety that world war ii seems like it was fun like everybody who went it was fun on both sides my grandpa came back he served on a he was a navy man served on a boat he came back he was just singing navy songs all the time your grandpa served in a

he was a seaman in world war II? He was a seaman. He was a big seaman. Wow. Yeah, and then he would always go, let's put on some of those classic Navy songs you boys love. And I'd pretend like I knew the words. It was always like, our boat's a big old boat. Here comes our boat. Let's do that thing.

It's white people music. That was the 50s. My grandpa was in World War II as well. Yeah. I think he went in there underage. He learned how to smoke there. He picked up smoking as a habit. Had to get one of his lungs removed years later.

He just had fun the whole time. All of it was a big laugh. He had a fucking blast. I didn't even know his real name until I was like 23 years old. Yeah. All I knew him by his war nickname. Big Jim. Yeah. Big Jim. Yeah. Big Jim Masterson.

Snooch. Snooch Masterson. Well, that's the translation. His nickname was in German. I guess a big part of the problem, I mean, I have some of the actual reasons, but a big problem is that war is no longer fun, you know? War got complicated. It used to be, you know, we hate these other guys. So clearly you're doing a good thing.

And then you come back. It's like, what'd you do? And you're like, I don't know. I think I was trying to stop communism or something. They're like, that doesn't matter at all. I woke up every day afraid that guys would put their balls on my face. Yeah. And then I had to laugh or I would be ostracized by the only guys that speak English in 7,000 miles.

Too much gay hazing is responsible for all these suicides. I mean, fuck at least once if you're going to do all that gay hazing. Shouldn't our fighting boys be able to go and fight these wars and know that they're going to come back to a country that thinks what they did was awesome and all those babies they killed, you know, was for the greater good? You know, can't we give them that at least? When they bring out their necklace of years, can't we go, that's pretty cool, instead of getting all war crimey about it?

Why are they killing themselves, though? Well, we got a couple different reasons. Heroin? They're out of heroin? I don't have that one on here. They married strippers to get housing off the base. Here's a big one, and this is one you probably won't like to hear, but access to firearms. Simply owning a gun, anyone who owns a gun,

triples the risk of suicide. Access to science, then. Okay. Oh, well, it's just that anyone who owns a firearm, you triple your risk of suicide because you always have the option in front of you. A lot of these military guys like to buy guns. Yeah. It's hard to choke yourself to death.

Well, you have one bad day. Your wife yells at you. You realize your kid's going to be ugly forever, you know, and in a moment of weakness. Or your wife doesn't yell at you because she's totally checked out of the relationship and you know that she's the only one for you. And there's no way you can jumpstart back from the beginning to make her love you again. Yeah. Well, there is a lot of in the military, you know, broken relationships. It's hard to make a relationship work when you're running off to fight America's battles.

You know, your wife gets lonely. Whose battles? America's. Well, Israel's. Same thing. I love that you're talking about this. Do you know any military suicides? You know, of course

My brother My brother in arms, of course Big Jim, who we've discussed earlier Oh yeah, what unit was he with? The 4029 The flying angels 40 second airborne You gotta be able to rattle these off

I had it What was his name? Well he was a major Major Major actually is so funny His name was Adam Major And he wasn't major His division is not on any official records It's kind of some you know

Need to know type stuff Masad He's a Masad agent? Well you know they work with Mossad. Oh. And the Decepticons, they work with those guys too. Oh. Did he do the Twin Towers?

He helped, yeah. Oh, okay. And then he killed himself and his whole family. Military culture is a rigid, hierarchical, and demanding thing that discourages reflection, abhors weakness, stigmatizes mental illness, and fetishizes toughness and aggression. Many soldiers fear that their mental health difficulties will go on their record or undermine their peer reputation,

thus avoiding or foregoing a treatment. So all these guys. What's treatment, though? You know, fill you full of drugs. Fake drugs that don't work and they can't explain they just don't know why they don't know that they there's no way they know that they work there is a chemical imbalance dick and uh that's what we're gonna assume and there's also of course the ptsd and trauma of being in a war zone which are tremendous just you know, being around a bunch of guys and not knowing which ones are gay.

That kind of trauma. This, but like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now. I don't know. I meet new guys every day and establish bonds with them, and I, to this day, don't know which are gay. Any of them could be. There's a chance I never will. When you're looking out in the jungle, you know, the real jungle is on the boat.

You know, because at any point one of them might make a pass at you. Charlie could be out there trying to buttfuck you. Exactly. Or Chucky. Chucky could be. Who's out there? Hello? What was that? What was that? The constant. Ever since I got rid of Don't ask, don't tell,

suicides have skyrocketed as men are now. My grandpa said that they had their... I asked him about gays. Were there gay guys in his units? Yeah, I like asking him the tough questions at the dinner table. I was like, what about any of, you know, wah-wah, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And he goes, yeah, yeah, they kind of had their own thing. And like showers and stuff. And he goes, yeah They kind of had their own thing

And like showers and stuff And he goes yeah they all like showered together and did their own thing That's fun Yeah I was like that's awesome Those guys probably aren't killing themselves And then women got involved Messed it all up Complicated the whole thing

Well maybe that's why the suicides are so high You were promised as a child A job away from women Just you and the boys having fun. I was struck away from you. All of a sudden, now you got these fucking bitches. Oh, I can hold a gun, too. Yeah, all right.

Driving their Humvees right into a IED. Yeah, but I mean, so the military guys, they kill themselves. There's less of a chance they're killing you. Okay, well, I'm not saying it's a problem for America's enemies. Like, clearly for them, yes, it's a... No, they're coming for us. Oh, they're coming for us. Yeah, they're coming for us.

Oh, no, we support the troops here on Biggest Problem. Fighting the Ruskies right now alongside our Ukrainian brothers in arms. That war on terror is... The war on terror is the war on poverty is going to come home and it's going to be your money that they need well that's the we're not giving them anything when they get back they don't get that much now although they are actually right

now uh i saw enlistment rates are at an all-time low yeah uh and they're they're trying to give people like 40 000 signing bonuses because they can't get anybody to join the army right now Why the fuck do we need anybody in the fucking army? I don't know They think we do apparently For what? So that they kill themselves I don't know

That's why we're promising them $40,000 Just because there's like a good chance they're never going to get it Because you only get it if you don't kill yourself for 10 years I brought in some stats Funding from the DoD budget requests 700 800 billion dollars for military health care 800 billion gonna start cutting people the best way to cut that down is just need less health care

Here's a paper that I've read said Here's a paper that I've read Said Between 2001 and 2050 The total cost of veterans For post 9-11 Is estimated to be between Two and two and two and a half trillion dollars So that's a problem

Okay well I'm not gonna say So let's I'm not gonna argue that a solution Is military suicides That seems to be what you're arguing Greener pasture is on the other side I don't think that's reasonable. I think that...

The best way to serve your country is to not force us into debt servitude to you-know-whom. Okay? Who might that be? Only you can prevent forest fires. One way to do that, buddy. We're going to encourage that on this show.

I think you guys stop killing yourselves. It's going to be fine. Uh-huh. It's not going to be fine. The money never runs out, so don't worry about that. Now you sound like my dad. All right. Military suicides, Dick.

Pretty good. Pretty good problem. Let's see if the veteran contingent turns up to vote. Well, let's hope so. Although I'm worried they're going to be like Yeah, but that one guy I know killed himself He was a dick Maybe only the dicks are killing themselves Here's my problem

The war on whiteface Uh-oh Do you remember the war on blackface that we did? That's a problem I had Yeah, I'm whitewashing it Yeah Did you see the Here's the headline War on Blackface that we did. That's an inversion of a problem I had. Yeah, I'm whitewashing it. Yeah. Did you see the... Here's the headline.

Racist AI scientist blasted. Oh, I saw this. For fixing the black Ariel in The Little Mermaid. Little Mermaid. Well, hold on. Black Little Mermaid was replaced by a racist computer. Compute fucking David Duke 9000 computer

did you see it? I did see it white replaced little mermaid so there's a black little mermaid actress right now in the new live action one yeah scientist is slammed look at these headlines blasted you wanna be a scientist

that gets blasted? I don't know why they're calling it AI. It's not really AI. It's an AI that did it. Yeah, but like- Like when you were at Magic Mountain or when you were at Elitch's or whatever you have in your area and they would spray paint on a t-shirt like a bunch of Bratz doll looking hood rats. That's AI now, apparently.

Because that's what this guy did to Halle Berry's Little Mermaid. Black Disney fans are outraged. Let me see it. Oh, and they're all showing it too, of course. Let me see if I can pop it up here for a second. Well, they took the footage from the Black Little Mermaid and they have projected a white actress. A hot white actress on there.

She's smoking hot. Okay. I mean, she's a little dolled up. It's a little too much for a mermaid. What? How much fucking eye makeup are you putting on under the sea? I mean she's a little dolled up It's a little too much for a mermaid What? How much fucking eye makeup are you putting on under the sea? Oh that's your You don't think L'Oreal solved that?

No I don't think so Some water resistant eye makeup I think it's a little She's got a little too much makeup to be a mermaid Mermaids have evolved for millions of years before Human women Naturally smoky eyes Yes can you imagine how hot

If women If we had one more million years to evolve these bitches to turn to look like our porno fantasy yes directly into vaginas you got me on the video for sure oh sorry well i don't know if i'm getting rid of it right now So they put a white lady over a black lady where it didn't matter if she was black anyway. The white Ariel is really hot. Right? So here's my-

But she's kind of like porn star. Like, again, I don't know- Yeah, hot. Hot, correct. Okay. Should we do this with all movies? That's my point. Ideally, the future has no women actresses because they ruin everything.

Their timing is bad. They're not funny. They use it to do their passion projects, which are always dog shit and depressing. And they complain on the PR tours and call you fat and then just exist. Right? It's just so bad. Actresses are ruining everything. Okay. I just want a future of computer women interacting with real, regular guys.

Chris Pratt, The Rock is like a regular guy. You have a guy with a ping pong ball suit to play the woman? Yes. So it's like a little gay. Like Michelangelo. It's very gay. It's a computer. It's got nothing to do with women.

It's totally excising the tumor that God thrust upon us on day one out of the system. Okay. And this gets in the way of that by shitting on, by blasting the technology. This is a woman problem. But the necessity is there. First of all, first of all, giving the black women a cartoon, it's like kind of like a doggy bag. Like they're saying like, here's a trash. Like, here, you can be this a cartoon, it's kind of like a doggy bag. They're saying, here's a trash.

Wait, why is that trash? Now they have their own little mermaid. Isn't that good? You know, because there's so many white cartoon ladies. Why not have a black cartoon live action? Live action, though. Isn't Halle Berry a little old to be a... It's not Halle Berry.

It's Holly... It's like a Haley Berry Haley Berry Yeah it's a different lady She should Halle Berry should sue I honestly I honestly thought

That Halle Berry should sue Cause the name is like Really similar I thought it was Halle Berry Yeah Halle Berry's way too old I said wow Black really don't crack No it cracks

She's not playing A little Merlin It's under the sea It's a little different Then I was like Well how many computers They have on this bitch Wow black really don't crack no he cracks Yeah, it's not Barry Halle Berry Halle Berry Haley Bailey Haley Bailey. No, it's not. Scroll up. It's got her name. Halle Bailey. Scroll up. It's got her name at the top.

In the fucking headline. Where? In the headline. Headline. Up. The top. Do you know what a headline is? Oh, my God.

Halle Bailey. Oh, Halle Bailey. Halle Bailey. Halle Bailey. This is fucked. She's the most powerful actress in Halle Bailey Halle Bailey Harry Berry This is fucked She's the most Powerful actress In Harry You and Mr. Girl

Are both gonna be On Rumble together If you keep that up What Why does Uncle Roger Get to do it I'm gonna bring that up He fixed the little mermaid

The guy 10 gazillion IQ says Okay see You're using that Adjective or verb Fixed Well he No I'm reading a quote

I know but Okay Okay calm down. He fixed the Little Mermaid 10 gazillion IQ says and turned the woke actor into a ginger white girl. He says he can do fix

the entire movie when it comes out with 4XA6000s in 24 hours. It's over for woke cells. It's over for woke cells. I have two questions there. One, what makes her woke?

Is it because she's... What do you mean look at her? It's just a regular black lady. Then they're putting all those pictures of little black girls reacting to it on the internet so pedophiles can look at them. It's not for pedophiles. And use it to beat off. It's basically

No one is going to beat off to a little girl going, well, she looks like me. It's inspiring. Where's my little mermaid? What do you mean you're fixing it? What is broken about the black little mermaid? The guy said that. I don't know. I don't care about the little mermaid. What do you think he's insinuating? He's just messing with people.

He's just making jokes. He knows how to wind people up. I don't think it's woke. It's a war on white face Are you kidding me? What's next? I can't wear suntan sunscreen? Because it's too white? This whole Little Mermaid thing is like breaking me

I know why, you're so upset Because I just want to talk When I went into YouTube I was like oh this is fun I can talk about movies And I don't have to get dogged down on all these real world politics About race And bullshit And now it's Every fucking movie

Stupid idiot It's like I would love to talk about You know Disney Just you know This is Uninspired They keep making

These crappy live action things But the only thing Anyone wants to talk about Is like Why is she fucking black That's so woke Oh my god It's exhausting

So what's Sebastian Is he black, too? He was already black. I know, but is he more black now? Yeah, he's going to be a black crab. He talks like Jar Binks now. Mesa, I'm going to help you out, Ariel. What's Prince Eric?

What's he the prince of? Oh, did you see? I saw a great Twitter post you would like. They said, well, as long as they're pissing everybody off. And it was like for Prince Eric Uh Elliot Page I was like fucking do it

Do it oh my god If Elliot Page is just up on the boat Like with her fucking cut off tits Like exposed It's not the same though cause I think Like Ariel when she gives up her voice It's kinda like alright well you can still make do A black she gives up her voice, it's kind of like, all right, well, you could still make do. A black woman giving up her voice.

She better get a lot more than legs. You know, I'm. Why don't you elaborate? Why don't you tell us exactly what it is about the black people talking. Drop drop at the airport. No. Child. Oh, child. You know who's playing Ursula drops off At the airport No Child Ooh

Child You know who's playing Ursula I think it's Melissa McCarthy Which makes no sense Like why wouldn't Ursula What do you mean It makes no sense Well I'm saying

It makes the most sense Of all Well I guess we want to put A horrible Hated fat Black lady That makes more sense If Patrick Stewart

Is Professor X Melissa McCarthy Is a big fat slob sucking up talent and destroying people's souls. I guess. For real? I think Melissa McCarthy is playing Ursula. I could be wrong. Wow.

Who's playing King Tritons? George Takai? Yeah, George Takai probably. It's got to be a black guy, right? Well, I guess if she's black. I mean, that's how genetics, under the sea, how do genetics work? Unless you have a black mom that you don't see. Don't you think that the black, I think actually mermaids would be black.

Why? Because like dolphins have, if you're looking down at them, they have like sea colors on top for predators. Yeah. And if you're looking up at them, they've got white colors. So you'd watch that from the sun. Yeah. So who's got camouflage? Who's got camo on the back and white on the underside?

See, once we start getting into like a scientific, like, what would a mermaid really look like? It's like, isn't this ridiculous? Like, isn't it just maybe there could just be black mermaids? There is. Although I tried to make a point so you know Everybody's mad at that Lord of the Rings show Yeah and they're like how could there be black Dwarves they live under the earth

So they never see the sun But if they're always working on The forges and like smelting And whatever with metals Wouldn't the dwarves who have darker skin Naturally be able to work at the forge Longer and thus Be profitable and propagate And make more dark skin the dwarves who have darker skin naturally be able to work at the forge longer and thus be profitable and propagate and make more dark-skinned dwarves? No, because that's convection heat.

That's not the same kind of heat. It's like an oven shooting off you. It's not like the sun. Photons. I want a real scientist to weigh in on this. I am a real scientist. I am a real scientist. Well, look, they're killing this technology in the crib. I am a real scientist Well Motons Look

They're killing this technology In the crib They're aborting it Well they banned the guy Who said he was gonna make it all white They banned him Just a guy with a computer And an interesting idea

For putting a porn star Ariel Into A live action remake I'm not gonna lie If you could take every movie Where the actress like Isn't that hot

And just make her like You know Just make them all Way hotter Hot naked computer girls Yeah I'm so fucking tired Of pretending that there is

Any art beyond Put Tifa In the Little Mermaid Yes but not the one From the new game The one from the new game Looks fine Well you gotta give her

Bigger tits then Okay you can give her Bigger tits I don't think the AI Adjusts the tits then? Okay, you can give her bigger tits. I don't think the AI adjusts the tits. I don't think it can do that. The AI does. Well, it should.

It's AI, Vito. Anyway. Go ahead. That's my problem. Your problem is the war on white fans. Remember the movie White Chicks? Yeah. Couldn't make that movie today. You couldn't make that movie today.

No, probably not. With Terry Crews going around attempted raping those ladies? I didn't see White Chicks. You gotta watch it. What was I gonna say? There's also somebody, though, taking the original Litter Mermaid cartoon and making her black, which I want to see them race to see who gets it done first.

What about the bones? Because black people can't swim. My problem, Dick, is... Wait, that's not... done first. What about the bones? Because black people can't swim. Uh, my problem, Dick, is... Wait, that's not... What do you mean that's a scientific thing? That's a scientific thing because their bones are more dense. Their bones are more dense so they can't swim. They can swim,

but maybe it's more challenging. There's plenty of black swimmers. Name one. Ubuntu. Ubuntu. The hot two. You see a lot of fucking You see a lot of green and black flags At the Olympics for the 100 meter

Swimming event They can't swim that's not racist That's science Like they might have trouble Swimming but it's not that they can't swim Alright Stop bringing up hypotheticals Have you ever seen

A black guy swimming across a pool I saw one in a reality show It was like Survivor or something And they all jumped in, this dude jumps in and he's like Oh shit Making all this Making all this water splash up Density, is that one?

Why do you have all these racial, like, race realist stats in your head? Aren't you interested? It's not a race realist stat. I just wanted to know why they're not swimming. And you're like, oh, that's why their eyes are so slanted. Because I thought it was because they didn't have pools. Yeah. Right? Well, I know why the slanted thing, too.

I thought it was because they don't have any pools where they live, but then I looked it up and it was like, oh, it's like a bone thing. Why are Asian eyes slanted? Because of the sun. Because they're like natural sunglasses. Because they're working in the rice fields? No, because of the plains of China. It's a very unforgiving environment.

It's very sunny. Oh, the sun bouncing off the desert wastes? Yeah. You sure it's not just so they can focus real hard on their math? Dick, there's a... You're so sensitive about race. That was you. That was you, me doing you.

Oh, that was an impression of me. You racist. Dick, I've just noticed that something has happened in the world of television. Is Ariel still 14? I don't know In the new one? I assume so Because if she's not

I'm not beating off to it That's Okay That's very brave of you If Ariel's not 14 In the new movie I'm not even getting hard I'm throwing that out there

See that's the other thing Is like with the race thing I can't even say That the girl playing The new Little Mermaid Is fucking janked up As fuck And her eyes are too far apart

And that's not possible I can't say that because everyone's going to think it's a racist thing. No, look at Brittany. Oh, Brittany is black. What about Lucy Wilde? That bitch's eyes were in different time zones. Oh, that's true. But I can't say it about a black lady because you just hate her because she's

black. Dick, there was a television network you might remember called G4. Remember the G4 network for gamers? Yeah, they had that lady on. Gamers 4. Oh, who was that lady? There was a couple of them. Frosty. Oh, Frosty. Yeah.

Frosk. Well, G4, the TV slash YouTube network for gamers has just laid off about 30 staff members. Journalists? Some of them might be considered journalists. Good.

Well. Burn them. A variety of different people. Hosts have left the network. Basically, the whole thing is crashing and burning. That sucks. They're going to strip it down to basically nothing. And I've been someone who's

been following this on my youtube channels youtube.com slash veto okay i've had to watch some of their content try to analyze exactly why this network has fallen apart oh i think i have two i have two words for you okay theater kids and that is my problem okay dick theater kids ruin everything yeah because they think i'm into this they have this incredible charisma and talent and that everyone's gonna love them just for showing up yeah and then they don't put in the work or the effort and then everything that they're a part of just collapses and dies yeah horrible yes So I was trying to watch G4 One of the big things, yes, that frosk lady Who famously thought

She could just get on camera and rant about Sexism in video games and everyone Was going to love her And look like that You could look like Pawnee And say whatever you want You look like that She's a bit of a mousy lady with a big old nose ring

Kind of looks like A 12 year old boy Like I'm gonna see Too many If that top comes off I'm gonna see Too many bones Yeah

I already know it I will want to see Those tits But Well for those of you Who have seen that rant Of hers Where she decides to

Get on a soapbox And rather than Entertain the audience And talk about video games Decides to Rant about feminism And how Beauty

The male audience Is misogynist And doesn't respect her Yeah audience and talk about video games decides to rant about feminism and how you do the male audience is misogynist and doesn't respect her yeah very much a theater kid moment it was very fake it was very uh clearly scripted and that was kind of what her and all of her buddies have been doing on that network yeah uh one thing they had when they relaunched that network was they're like we're gonna have like SNL for gamers. And I went, oh, that's fun. Did you guys hire some comedy writers or like some funny people? And they're like, well, we're funny.

And you're like, no, no, you guys are theater kids. This is fucking terrible. How many of you have ever had a whole room of people hate you for like a night? Yeah. A whole night. No like a night. Yeah. Like a whole night. No one? No one.

Oh, yeah. You're not funny then. What experience do you have with entertaining a room? Well, I have a very popular Twitch channel, and I was in the high school play where I... No. You have no experience with entertaining a room, with getting people to laugh. And there's a lot of this kind of content out there that I see. Theater kid content? theater kid content theater kid content well you remember how great mystery science theater used to be yeah when it was just

like a guy who was genuinely funny him and his buddies like yeah around and they brought it back and it was like oswald oswald the worst person in on earth patten oswald is kind of like a professional theater kid i bet hitler is funnier than Patton Oswalt. I mean, he obviously was. I bet if you put him together and you didn't even speak German, he would understand what was going on, and he would do something funnier than Patton Oswalt. He'd do like a little dance, you know, he'd do something, and then he'd go, Ah, Hitler guy, he's pretty good. He's funny, he's bad, I like him more than Patton Oswalt.

Look at that. What's that dumb bitch from, uh... Jenny, Melissa McCarthy. Rosie O'Donnell. Alan De there was this like online web series the guild oh god there's this dumb redheaded bitch who also came along what size of were her cans i think they were reasonably sized somebody in the chat has the name right now If you're a redhead and you're on TV And you got no tits Get out

The point is you have all these guys who like Seem to think that Knowing a small amount about pop culture Like oh I have seen Ghostbusters And like video games Like qualifies them for a career in entertainment Or podcasting.

There's so many podcasts started by these people who are like office level funny that we always talk about. Like, oh, my coworkers always laugh at my fun stuff. And I was in a junior production of Cats and my mom said I was the best. And you're like, these people are not suited for our career in entertainment. Stop. What if we just didn't have theater education in schools? I mean, did you ever...

That'd be great. Did you remember the theater kids in high school? They're loud. They're fucking weirdos. Were you in theater? One year, I did the musical just to see what was up. What was the musical? Have you ever heard of a...

Here's the bad one. Have you ever heard of one called Urinetown? Urinetown? Yeah. Like pee? Yeah, a here's the bad one. Have you ever heard of one called Urinetown? Urinetown? Yeah. Like pee? Yeah, like pee. No. Exactly. I don't know why that's the musical we did. It was terrible. And I just wanted to Is this a classic? I don't know.

It's about a town where you have to pay money to use the bathroom. And I just wanted to do it because I had like a fun cop voice and I wanted to play One of the stupid cops who has like no lines just go well Bobby strong Guess we're gonna have to take you in and it said they made me like the main villain because I was the only fat kid in school and they're like well, he's a big fucking

Businessman we got to get the fat kid to play him the only fat kid at your school It's like the fat kid, you know, like there was other fat kids, but I was like the fat kid You know like There was other fat kids But I was like Clearly the best one You were the fattest Not necessarily the fattest Just like the most Like fun fat You were like The missing link

Between when they get too fat To like be considered Human Yeah And like a normal I was the not depressing fat kid It was like Oh he's the fun fat one

Yeah okay The other fat kids Were the ones that were like Spelling pudding on themselves And being weirdos. The meals don't sync up anymore for those kids. Yeah. So they can't enjoy normal stuff. But I tried

hanging out with the theater kids, man. They're all having their weird little, everybody wants to be the star. There's all this infighting. And I'm like, guys, it's a high school play. It doesn't matter. And they're like, well, I auditioned for the lead and they gave it to Johnny again. I'm like, none of this matters at all. None of this will ever affect you.

And I guess they're all for the rest of their lives fighting over this spotlight, trying to, trying to be the star, not realizing that simply having a lot of energy and breathing techniques does not make you. You gotta lower the energy. You gotta lower the energy You gotta lower the energy A lot of times I mean I just I watch so much

It's like try hard Entertainment Where you're like Like us We're just kinda hanging out Shooting the shit I'm trying pretty hard Yeah

No you're not I'm trying pretty hard right now You know we're searching For little gags And little soundboard bits Sure We're always looking to entertain But I

Actually like 80% of me Is trying to figure out how to get another drink. Well, there you go, which is good. My girlfriend just got back in the room, and I bet my soul that she was getting me a drink because she saw that I was there, and then she came back without a drink. And then she sat down and just started watching the show. No, she is reaching for a glass.

How about the glasses? She needed to get your glass Do you remember any of the theater kids When you were in the When you were the Bad guy At P-Town Do I remember who

Like do I'm still friends with some of them Yeah Oh wow Who was the worst? Who was the worst theater kid? And the girls too No matter how hot they are

Yeah They ruin it Yeah By being way too Attainable And desperate Like there was like There's an improv too

Like they would be like Oh my god I was like wow you're hot I'm like oh my god I was like wow You're not anymore You're too easy I never thought I would say that

But emotionally You're just too easy I don't want to shit Talking to the theater kids Because I still know some of them But Well What if you didn't?

Which one would you talk about? It's just like a lot of them are like guys who just keep thinking that. Guys. They don't put in the effort, you know? They just seem to think like having a positive. But the thing is sometimes they are rewarded just like, hey, I've got a lot of energy and i'm positive all the time let's do it and then people rant like we'll just you know a guy like people jobs based on that yeah and you're like but that's not all you need some substance there and that's what g4 was was like yes you guys all have like

a bottomless pit of energy and enthusiasm but none of you are funny or interesting or like it was just watching you don't i don't get the sense that you feel bad when you make if i make a joke and it doesn't go that's true there's no shame that's why they're terrible stand-ups i've gone to a lot of like uh open mics where, where like theater kids will just show up. I saw one kid like showed up and was doing like Lord of the Rings puppets. And I was like, no, don't.

Oh, I was like, this is not going to land. He's like, well, you know, everybody likes when I do the golem voice and the out, I'm out.

I don't want to hear that again. I've got a gold voice, a Stewie Griffin voice. Yeah, it literally is that. And they just show up and they go, I don't know why I failed. This was so funny in my head. We should go back to school. I would love to.

And go be theater kids and take it over. Fuck it up. Ream their assholes out. Oh, God. That's the movie I want to write is the movie where you are able to transplant your head into like a 12-year-old kid's body. Little boy's ass. And just like, oh my God.

Oh, your head and mind. Yeah, not the ass. I thought you meant the head of your penis. You can just fuck around right now. Fuck up the whole school. Didn't Always Sunny do that? Dee went back and went in the theater. Something like that.

I don't know. I didn't see that episode. I stopped watching that show because I got too woke. I didn't see that episode. Regardless. I stopped watching that show because I got too woke. You know who's the ultimate theater kid? Will Wheaton.

Oh, yeah. That's a guy who just never... Did you ever watch... I mean, he was good in what do you call it? That one movie. That Stephen King movie. Stand By Me.

But then from there... That movie sucks. It's all right. With Richard Dreyfuss. Narrating Dreyfuss Was that who that was? Richard Dreyfuss at the end? Yeah Oh look at us There we are

Looking back Those were the best days of my life That boomer shit man Gotta go All of Stephen King's boomer shit He's a fucking asshole But now Will Wheaton Who can't you know

Really act Has just kind of like Made a career out of Now he hosts all these Star Trek panel discussions. Where he just fawns over everybody who shows up and he goes, That was the best episode ever. Oh my God. We should go to high schools that are having theater plays and throw literal tomatoes.

And boo the worst kids. All of them. Over actor. Boo. Hit them right in the fucking face. And then as soon as the parents start, we'll. All of them. Over actor. Shut up. Hit them right in the fucking face. And then as soon as the parents start, we'll throw tomatoes at them. First, we go to a major league. We put an ad out.

Yeah. Minor league baseball players only. High school baseball players. We get all the pictures. Say, we're doing a reality show. All these people are in on it. Here's the plan. I don't know if we need to bomb a stage bomb a high school play.

I think we can let those stupid theater kids have their one moment in the sun. But for the meantime, they're screwing up a lot of entertainment. They definitely screwed up the G4 network. Yeah. They should have hired you. G4 should have just paid you to be a host and to run the run the network and tell Them what to do. I mean honestly if someone gave me a bunch of money I like well I would just hire like funny people

Like who like comedians like get like Eric Escobar oh no not Eric Eric Escobar not become a running joke on the show? Like, I love Eric. He's got a weird comedic style. I'd hire him. I can't believe he wouldn't. I never tell you, like, over at the comedy store, they have a streaming setup,

and we were streaming games over there on their Twitch channel. Yeah. And they would just get, like, Bobby Lee would just, like, come down and, like, stream games and fucking hang out. With his eyeball. The guy that danced with that robot amiibo. Is that, is that what he did?

I think so. Anyway, I would just get like a bunch of like funny guy. Like everybody likes video games. Just get comedians to play video games and shoot the shit. Hmm. I think you can make it work. I wouldn't,

I wouldn't let a bunch of theater kids. You got to watch this, this boosted show where they tried to do like SNL skits. I don't let a bunch of theater kids. You got to watch this boosted show where they tried to do like SNL skits. I don't want to watch that. It sounds horrible. It's really bad. I hate sketch. One of the last videos they put up on the G4

thing, and I probably shouldn't talk shit about it because I know the guy who I think wrote it, is a god of work. What if Kratos was working in an office? You you know because you work in an office this is the only set you have access to so let's put characters yeah as is kratos like you know filling out paperwork and i'm like oh this is a theater kid production and i just say what say what it is at that point just say it and don't bother shooting it just skip the premise and walk away

what if it's like Kratos and he's out of the office well that's not bad five second sketches I got the joke right here what if the video games played you what if the Xbox was like a sexy lady and the PS5 was a lady

other kind of lady wow all I brought in game journalism as a previous problem is just like that whole sphere is just try hard idiot kids and I'm glad they're all failing finally. Because video games suck. Video games don't suck. That's why.

No, video games are for little kids. That's not true. And no adults play them. For everybody. You should be working. On what? Whatever. Anywhere. Anything else. Video games is wasting your fucking time. Fucking veterans. For everybody You should be working On what? Whatever Anywhere

Anything else Video games is wasting your fucking time Fucking veterans Okay here's my problem Alright Drunk eating I woke up I don't know what that's about

I woke up with my hand In a Cheez-Its bag No box of Cheez-Its to be found. And I said, fuck, this is so shameful. I wish I had woken up with my dick in a man's ass. It would be less shameful than this in my worldview. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Uh, a fat guy, a fat lady's mouth. I wish I woke up with my dick in a fat lady's mouth versus waking up with my hand in a Cheez-Its bag. And I went on to my biggest problems notes pad

in my phone and I started to type out drunk eating and I scrolled down to the bottom and I happened to catch a glimpse of it and it said drunk eating, waking up with your hand in a Cheez-Its bag. And I said, oh oh my god I have a fucking problem

the fucking Cheez-Its get me every time like a siren like Odessi is I don't know I have to tie myself up before I start drinking because I hear the Cheez-Its going oh yeah but see I don't understand this problem because like clearly the best thing

to do when drinking is to eat. It's, like, the best combination of things. And it is the worst. It is the most empty eating experience. You're always just cramming, cramming shit down your mouth. You work out. I work out. Yeah.

So hard to burn even two or three calories. And I get drunk. And I fucking waste it. And I can't remember it. And I waste it on Cheez-Its. Where the first one is the entire bag. You eat one. Stop buying Cheez-Its.

I don't know where the Cheez-Its come from. I didn't buy them. I think they're left over from Burning Man. There's going to be a no Cheez-Its policy. It's all going straight in the fucking trash from now on. But I'll eat anything that's available. Salamis, pretzels, almonds. I have a bag of

salted almonds up there that I know I'm gonna wake up with. It's like a bad ex-boyfriend. I know I'm gonna hit up those almonds late at night. You up? And I'll hear him coming down the stairs. But food tastes so much better when you're drunk. It's like crazy. But it doesn't! It really doesn't! I think it does. It doesn't. I brought in some shats. He brought tacos when you're drunk. It's like crazy. But it doesn't. It really doesn't.

I think it does. It doesn't. I brought in some shots. You brought tacos when you're drunk, Dick. And you go, I don't remember. It's just wasted calories. I remember because one time I got tacos while I was drunk. I said, these are the greatest tacos I've ever had in my life.

And I went back the next day to get more tacos. And they weren't as good. No. They're not good. The drinking made them better. Alcohol reduces your impulse control Okay So when you have an impulse

Did you know about that? Collect that stat Also causes a decrease In your memory capacity So you don't remember eating How long have I been sitting here Eating Cheez-Its Like for fucking two days dude

What are you fucking doing? Stop eating the fucking Cheez-Its Why did you work out today at all You fat fuck Which number alcohol Problem is this by the way From you I have a decreased

Memory capacity I don't know what you're Talking about Drunk eating okay It's bigger than me You're packing on well you're already packing on Calories because you're drinking those beers right Not me Are you drinking hard liquor? Yeah No calories in that Bigger than me. You're packing on, well, you're already packing on calories because you're drinking those beers, right? Not me.

Are you drinking hard liquor? Yeah. No. No calories in that. No calories whatsoever. And then I'm adding not good stuff, not like a pizza or fucking, at least it's, you know. Got tomatoes. You should have leftovers. Pizza.

Okay. Just, you're spending it on Junkie snacky foods Jesus man Which don't even have Like a complex flavor Well maybe that's the problem Is that like you're drunk You don't

You don't even want Interesting flavors You just want sludge Alcohol affects your neurons And your brain And they fire At times they wouldn't Telling your brain

Over and over That you need to eat food Did you know that? So Like When you get drunk They just like Start fritzing out at times they wouldn't, telling your brain over and over that you need to eat food. Did you know that? So. Like, when you get drunk, they just like start fritzing out. And then they just hit random shit. Ah, you're hungry. I'm like, I'm fucking starving.

I can't explain it. And I got a boner. I'm going to fuck these Cheez-Its. I'm going to fuck these Cheez-Its. Every fucking time. Well, maybe this is a business opportunity. What if we manufactured Dick Masterson's drunk sludge, where every time you get drunk, you reach for the bag of sludge.

Ipecac. Just pipe it in. Oh, not Ipecac. They stopped making that. Did you know that? Why would they stop making it? Probably because it's dangerous as shit. Is there easier ways to pump somebody's stomach?

I don't know. Probably Big Pharma makes you go to the hospital. Well, no, because they made it to go to... They didn't stop't know. You probably got to, probably big pharma makes you go to the hospital because they made it, they made it to go to, they didn't stop making it. They stopped making it. Yes, I know this because I accidentally ate a bunch of acid

before I interviewed Onision on Ralph's show. And. Accidentally ate a bunch of acid. I accidentally did it before the Onision interview. Yeah. I meant to eat the acid.

So my girlfriend drove to CVS To try to get Ipecac Cause I was freaking out You were gonna Ipecac An acid out of you? What are you insane? I was on acid So

You would've Do you know how bad it is To throw up with that shit? Like It's like fucks What is this throwing up? No it's not just throwing up It's like

I've seen the family guy clip It's the most violent Throwing up you possibly can Why don't you just stick Your fucking fingers down your throat? I stuck my entire arm down my throat, and I could not make myself throw up. Okay? I was pulling shit out my mouth.

Because of the acid. I just can't throw up. No, I don't know. You can't throw up normally? No. I can't believe you were trying to resort to Ipecac. Jesus Christ. She walked in there, and, do you have any Ipecac?

And the guy's like, honey, they stopped making that like 30 years ago. Hmm. Well, it's charcoal. What? Ipecac is activated charcoal. You're just drinking charcoal? Yeah. How do you do that?

They liquefy, I don't know, they liquefy it somehow. I had charcoal in the garage. You're telling me I could have just gone out and started eating charcoal? Pretty much. Look it up. Really? Ipecac. Why would I look it up? I had charcoal in the garage. You're telling me I could have just gone out and started eating charcoal? Pretty much. Really? Why would I look it up? I have charcoal in the garage. I could just go start eating it. Why would I waste my time? See how you feel.

I'm pretty sure Ipecac is charcoal. Was. Was. Well, I mean, I don't know that they stopped making it. I'm telling you that they stopped. Okay. Unless that guy hadn't worked there for 20 years ago. That's a better one than drunk eating.

I nailed the interview. And alcohol decreases the production of the hormone leptin. Leptin is responsible for feelings of fullness. Yeah. Your leptin's acting up back there. Oh, yeah, my back hurts.

Moving around. How are you going to go to Disneyland? I'm supposed to go to Disneyland and my back's all fucked. I don't know. I'm going to have to get a scooter. I'm going to be that guy. Be what guy? The guy, the fat guy with the scooter at Disneyland.

That's awesome, though. No, it's not awesome. You got to get like a Moo moo And do a fat wrap No I was all like Oh this will be good I'll go to Disneyland

Also it'll be you know It'll be great exercise To walk around the park All day Oh yeah And I threw my Fucking back out And I'm like

Oh god I'm gonna Doing what I think I think Cause it started Raining recently And I had a bunch

Of like Amazon Packages outside I'm like Oh shit I gotta But there are all These big heavy boxes Full of like cat food And like soda Or whatever So I had a bunch of like Amazon Packages outside I'm like oh shit I gotta But they're all these big heavy boxes Full of like cat food and like soda Or whatever so I had to get them out of the rain

Real quick and I think I lifted Them wrong yeah you definitely Because I'm an idiot I'm a fucking moron how many packages do you have Outside your house at a given time my back Just sucks normally so I'm like I'm like I'll get that tomorrow You gotta lose some weight i know

when are you gonna start i don't know you gotta pick a day well i've i've had a plan but the plan is i don't even have room in my apartment right now because it's like a fire hazard i have to make room to exercise in but right now i'm just what do you mean to exercise in because i have like an exercise bike but i can't use it because it's up against the wall and there's nowhere to put it you don't have enough room because of your video games and yes for an exercise bike in boxes and it's a nightmare an exercise bike is like this much room it's a nightmare you know what you could do throw out some shit ride a bike and then i'd have to go buy a bike i have i have i have five bikes in my front yard that everyone dumped into my yard because,

oh, you got a house? Fuck you. From Burning Man. That's weird. You could take any of those bikes. Are they good? Except for mine. They weren't?

One's great. I got a secret one that I was going to keep, but I'll give to you if you promise to ride it. I like bike riding. I used to bike ride all the time. I like bike riding. I used to bike ride all the time. When I lived in Boston, I used to bike over the bridge, MIT into Boston, go through the park. Every day I would bike ride.

You can have one of those if you ride it. It'll probably collapse beneath my fucking weight. No, if that guy was on it. My life's falling apart, Dick. You gotta ride it. You gotta start getting active. I'm trying. was on it. My life's falling apart, Dick. You gotta start getting active. I'm trying. And get after it.

Every time I try, I throw my fucking back out or some stupid happens. That's weakness in your back. I know. I'm very- You gotta ride this bike that I'm giving you. Well, I can't ride it right now. Why not? Because I can't ride it with my fucked up back.

Yes, that's when you should be exercising your back, you dick. I'm trying to walk a little bit every day to get my back fixed. You need to be walking all the time. You can't be trying to walk a little bit every day to get my back fixed. You need to be walking all the time. You can't be trying to walk a little bit. I don't know where to walk to. Grab the bike and ride laps around the fucking neighborhood. Go kick trash cans over. I have a plan.

No, your plan is fucked. Abandon your plan. Do my plan. Here's the problem with losing weight. I can only do something If I can focus on it Like intensely right No No like literally

Like that's just my thing I'll do 10 pushups right now That's fine Go nuts I just will forget to do them It's only in my mind I will set I need to be like

If like if I'm gonna do weight loss It has to be like One of two things going on in my life Uh huh It's like And right now I just have like 50 things going on You gotta do You gotta do weight loss first.

I literally- I have not been able to use my arm for five months. Yeah. And I still managed to do some exercise. I'm doing some exercise. What? Just not enough. I walk.

I go. I do the steps. That's not real. The steps aren't real. I know it's not real, which is why I'm trying to make room for this fucking bike. Everybody right now is already preparing voicemails about how I'm a lazy sack of shit. Yeah, you are a lazy

sack of shit. And I'm not exercising enough. All you have to do is take one of those fucking bikes. I know it'll fit in your car. Take the good one. I'm gonna give you the good one. If it'll fit in my car? Of course it's gonna fit in your car. Pop the front tire off. Okay. You gotta ride it every day. Twice a day. You have to

ride it twice a day. I'm not gonna ride it twice a day. Well, no deal. Okay, then don't give me a bike. You gotta ride it once a day. It's too much. I'll settle for once a day. I will ride a bike. Once every day. Even if it's for a little bit. Even if it's one circle. If I don't do something else,

I gotta, like, get... Nah now you gotta ride the bike every day I don't want to I don't want to come up with an exercise plan right now on air You gotta ride even if it's a little circle You have to ride the bike I'll figure it out later Mm-hmm dick my life is just completely falling apart Okay What do you mean you got a big hit show.

I am like my YouTube channel. I'm making no money. This fucking comic book is a nightmare. Everybody thinks I'm a pedophile. Everyone I love is dead. And I'm just trying each day to just get up in the morning And work out And work out That's what you gotta do It's gonna happen

Alright Fuck all that other stuff My house is a fucking fire hazard My cats are peeing on everything I own and love And I don't know how to tell them to stop Just it's all falling apart Okay Yeah

So just give me a minute I just need I just need everyone to bear with me It's all falling apart. Okay. Yeah. So just give me a minute. I just need, I just need everyone to bear with me. And you voted for a guy that ruined the economy. I haven't been to the doctor in years. I got to do that. No, that's, you don't have to do that. I think something, something might be fucked up.

We'll see. Everything is a mess. So when you go, hey, did you know this part of your life is a mess Like it's Yes In addition to all the other parts of my life that are a mess I acknowledge That my health is a mess

In addition To everything else But at least the comic book's coming along Superkiller.org So if you want to avoid drunk eating, when you get home, it says drink water and go straight to bed. Okay. And don't do a couple laps on the bike.

It's going to be okay. Everyone's going to be fine. You want that bike? You want to take that bike? I might take that bike. I do like bike riding. Meet some girls. That's not happening

You don't know I guess maybe you have a meet cute Is that a thing still maybe some girl will be pretending to be retarded on the sidewalk Favorite of sexual fetish Girls pretend to be retarded. And your dick will fall right in her mouth. You're like, oh my god, I'm sorry. Only girls with helmets, you know. Something wrong with them.

What a show. I feel like I've brought the show down with my nonsense. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I don't wake up every day in an existential dread. We're all gonna be fine not watching my stocks slowly go to zero no you can't watch stocks yeah I know you can't not right now right now watch when Trump watch when Republicans get back in Republicans get back in that I'll watch yeah you're voting for the wrong people you gotta

vote for yourself okay here this will this will cheer you up Okay good The biggest problem in the universe Is reading a good book And relating to it a lot And thinking you got so much Of what the author is saying And you want to know more about this guy who understands you

Looking him up and realizing that he Killed himself That's a problem I think that's a solution I think if you find realizing that he killed himself. That's a problem. I think that's a solution. I think if you find a guy who killed himself, you know his book was good. Oh. Yeah.

So that's a good lesson for all the authors out there. Did you know suicide is the, like, tenth leading cause of death? Isn't it the third for men? Probably. It's like surprisingly high. Because I don't hear about a lot of people killing themselves. Yeah, I looked it up today. Maybe it was the third for young men.

I'm trying to think. Is it just economic shit, though? I look at the economy, and like, man, like, how's anybody making enough money to get along? I don't know. It's like, like, I feel like I just work my fucking ass off, and I'm like, all right, well, I'm kind of stable. It's not great. But then I'm like, how does anybody who's just working a regular job fucking. No, no, it's eighth for men. Eighth for men.

It's like 16th for women. It's in the teens. Unintentional energy. You think it would like car accidents or some shit would be. No. Something. Heart disease, cancer, unintentional injuries. Huh.

Like dropping a sledgehammer on your foot. Car accidents, perhaps. Dumbass. No, not car accidents. And then number third is unintentional injuries. That's part of it. You know, just general injury. Yeah, falling down the stairs or whatever the fuck else. Falling off a ladder.

Anyway, if you're listening to this show, don't kill yourself. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe. Unless you're a veteran, in which case you're bleeding us dry. Come on. Yeah. Get it over with. We ain't got money for this.

Here we go. Biggest problem. People with horrible comedic timing. Like theater kids. And those people would be me. But my real biggest problem is when you go into a search engine, you search for something. And you find what you want, and it's the first result. You're like, ah, excellent. And you scroll down, and you move your finger or your mouse to click on it.

And in that split second, just before you can, boom, you end up touching an ad. Now, suddenly, you're an ad somewhere the fuck. Not where you want to be. I hate that shit. I start screaming. And if you wait, it waits for you. It's like they did it on purpose. And they're just like, oh, you're going to click it.

It is like the second you click, they find a way to get that ad under you. Anyway, if you're reading. It's impossible to name the time. It's like a Looney Tunes episode when they do the mirror thing, you know? Anyway, do. All right. Dick Vito. Yeah.

Rings of Power is fucked Oh The show is decent The social commentary is fucked as fuck Social commentary? Did they have a Trump rally in that show? No Elves are taking our jobs?

Oh, they did on the most recent one, yeah Getting racist I'm sorry That's true They had a Elves are taking our jobs? Literally one elf is coming to town. It's like, what's up next?

These guys live forever and they never have to sleep? You think they're not going to take your job? That's unforgivable. It's like one scene. I couldn't even... I'm done with that show. I'm not even going to watch it. Too many black people.

That's not the reason. And there's already racism in the universe elves were hated by men yeah you're gonna introduce black yeah all right we talked about this what were you gonna say to play uh do the fast food one because this is actually one I almost brought in. Okay. This happened to me yesterday. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. Turkey sandwich here.

A short and sweet problem this week. It's fast food cup lids, specifically like the distribution method. I know for a fact there's a more efficient way To get One lid Than to just have them all Sitting in a big fucking stack Out in the open Where the public

Can just touch them And you have to manhandle Like six or seven of them Just to get one Retarded Anyways Go fuck yourselves What were you gonna say there

Flimsiness? Well the flimsiness Falling apart Yeah Rowan the guy Doesn't put them on all the way Anyways, go fuck yourselves. What were you going to say there? Flimsiness? Well, the flimsiness falling apart. Yeah, when the guy doesn't put them on all the way. They should do the same. It is true. The whole self-serve, like when I go to Costco and get a hot dog, as we've discussed. Yeah.

Then they have like, they give you all this stuff. They give you like a receipt and like a cup and you have to go and find your own straw and find your own lid. And then, but then the trash cans for some reason are like way on the other side of things but then everybody's just throwing their paper in the ice dispenser yeah it's like a huge yeah but you're like it's it's like why employees not taking any time to sit down and be like is there a way to just like with no amount of effort fix this situation For everyone like why don't I move the trash cans Over nice and then you're the ceo And everyone's saying why does the ceo Get so much money we should get

Money I went to el pollo loco And I was in the like drive-thru and I'm I get Up there and they're like okay oh by the way we don't Have any chicken or salsa And I'm like oh that's like 90% of what you have and they're like yeah sorry And I'm like and I kind of wanted to like go Why don't you just like put a sign?

Outside because now I was stuck in this line. Yeah that had no way out of it So I just go through the whole drive-thru not getting anything because they're out of most of what they serve You couldn't get anything. I think I ended up getting like a taco. Okay, like some leftover Yeah, but like regardless I didn't really want it, but I was like, well, if I'm going to be stuck in the line anyway, I might as well get a taco. Should have gone home and rode the bike. The minimum wage slave problem. Vote up minimum wage slaves.

These people are lazy. Okay, one more. Dick is right. The biggest problem is to make dicks on the dance floor. Ooh. Because when you go to the bar or the club. Yeah. You look around. It's to make fucking men there. Yep. That's fucking men drinking. Go on the dance floor. Ooh. Because when you go to the bar or the club. Yeah. You look around.

There's too many fucking men there. Yep. Too many audiences going to the club. And the women that are there, they're old. Fat. Old. Fat. 25 plus, you know.

Old. And or fat as fuck. Old. Fat. So you're left with two or three cute girls out of. Two hundred guys. The whole fucking bar. Ugh.

Let's fight. Let's all fucking fight and kill each other so you fucks these three girls. Let's go! They'll be so turned on, it doesn't fucking matter what we look like or what we're talking about. Let's just fucking go. Let's kill each other. Now!

I don't know what percentage of our audience is going to the clubs. 100%. 100% of this audience goes to the club. Fuckin' tight. Getting bottle service. Bottle service is a rip off. Go to the club. Obviously. Sit in the corner. You guys sit in the corners. Sit in the club. Getting bottle service. Bottle service is a ripoff. Go to the club.

Obviously. Sit in the corner. You guys sit in the corners. Sit in the bar. Boom, doot, doot. This show is interesting. All right. You want to read the super chance?

Yeah, let's read some super chance, everybody. Go to biggestproblem.show to vote on the problems. Patreon.com slash biggestproblem. We've got to beat Carl. We've got to beat Carl. If you're listening to this show, go to patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Subscribe to the show. We'll do a bonus episode next If you're listening to this show, go to patreon.com slash biggest problem. Subscribe to the show. We'll do a bonus episode next week. Next week, let's do a bonus episode. And Vito is going to ride the bike. For every donation you give, Vito

will ride the bike. I was thinking about maybe monetizing my weight loss, like starting a channel, you know, like a fun journey. You're just putting all these obstacles up in front of you doing exercise. The obstacles are that my back hurts like so bad that I can barely walk right now. So once I figure that

out. My back has hurt worse than your back. Maybe. A lot. Okay. And I still wake up every day, put my pants on, both legs at the same time. Yeah. And ride the bike. Because the rest of your life's not a fucking mess. I got everything

else. Everything else is a nightmare Wait did I skip it? Did I go too far? Yes Yeah I did Carl's late ass I thought I changed the thumbnail But maybe I didn't

I'm an idiot There you go Okay Maybe the 16th Okay there it is Mike Hunt for two Trying to hijack our stream by saying, Dami Pesos is live streaming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dami Pesos is back. The Peso man. If he streams on Fridays, we're fucked. Don't promote him. We'll be on right after him. We're going to have to coordinate it. Everyone's going to be watching his show.

Yancy. Aren't you happy that Dami Pesos is number one not dead and number two back? about time slots. We can go on right after him. Following up next late night with the biggest problem.

Yeah. Following Dami Pesos every night. Yancy for 2,000 Japanese yen. Hmm. What are you doing in Japan, Yancy?

Is it 20 bucks? That's about 20 bucks. Wow, thanks, Yancy. With the exchange rate, it's probably a little lower. Ooh. But, just because of the way the monetary policy's been going. But he says, I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.

Wow, cool. What is that from? That's from something. Oh, that's from Simpsons. Classic. Yeah, that's Simpsons. Classic. Vito is cool for 10 big dollars Wow Dick I'm honestly curious How many days a week do you drink And how much do you drink on those days on average

Oh I mean it's impossible to say Every time I come over to his house Dick is legitimately drinking something That happens every time I come to my house too I know It's not like you're putting on airs. I didn't drink this week. Well, I drank yesterday.

I don't think... Well, because Carl. Because I drank all day on set. I drank the entire weekend because of Carl. With Carl, you're hanging out. And I had drank every day since starting to get ready for Burning Man. So what is that?

The 21st probably. Okay. Until Monday. What is that? September 11th. September 11th. So you drank for 20 straight days or you didn't drink? No, I did.

You did. I didn't drink all week. You said that's pretty good as if this is a positive that you're drinking so much. Wasn't that the question? He didn't say it's great that you drink so much. He didn't actually apply any value to it whatsoever. This is all you. Oh.

I drank for 20 straight days. Isn't that great? The longest I've ever not drank is when I had surgery on my face skull, face bones. They had to cut it and move it. And I didn't drink for 22 days. Oh my God. In a row. There must have been a,

uh, in a row. I had Vicodin. A real cross. Well then. What? That's nature. That's nature.

This is the alcohol. That doesn't make any sense. Michael winning for $4.99. They have special. Are you telling people that every time you come over, I have a drink? You do. What if that's like my personal business that you're airing out on the internet?

It's your whole thing. It's like you want them to know this. You have a picture of you holding a wild turkey behind you on every show. Look, that's your whole thing. You know what it is. Michael winning for $4.99. They have special needs representation Every week on the Pigs Problem He's wearing a yellow shirt This is my

I like jokes shirt I think me and Dick are finally Figuring out the finances on those Such a disaster After like a year Vito is cool for five Vito you should make the stingers Three to five seconds longer every week

Until the show is just one long stinger I think they're long enough I would like to do a super long one sometime. Nam-a-my for $4.99. If you want to trick Vito into saying it, you got to be fairly obvious. I suck, Cox. That doesn't count. I can't fucking believe it.

How does that count? You got to be fairly obvious. You got to be fairly obvious. You got to be fair. It's the word is count? You've got to be fairly obvious. Tubby, fairly obvious? You've got to be fair. It's the word is got to. You've got to be fairly obvious. How does that not fucking count? I'll tell you what.

I'll rewind it. No, it's fine. It won't count. And then I'm going to hit it again. Well, I didn't know tubby. You know, it's tubby. But sure. Oh, that's pretty good.

That's good. He's got it. Okay, maybe. No, he's got it. It's fair. Got it. It's fair. It's good He's got it Okay maybe No he's got it It's fair Got to be Did to be Got to be

Yeah he got it Alright It's no gabagool I guess I'm so I keep looking for twos now That I never expected The ta Form

Well gotta Yeah no It's That's fair That's very fair ThatboyMikey for five Vito please release A super good album of all the Stingers. Love the show.

My plan is for every 10 Stingers. I will release like a supercut on the YouTube channel. Oh, yeah, good idea. I think that's a good way to handle it. So I think we're like eight Stingers deep. Okay. Maybe nine. TroyoDoug for 10.

What hat is Vito hearing? Never wearing. Never seen him wear this one, but. What hat is Vito hearing? Never wearing. Never seen him wear this one, but TBF. I usually just listen to the show. See, now I'm on guard. Guided by voices. Guided by voices, as I've brought up. The only good band in existence.

Mike Hunt for five. Enough people complaining. Got the Sonic model changed. Surely that will happen with the Little Mermaid, too. They can't change her model. It's an actress. Well, they clearly can. That guy that raised this computer can do it.

She's really ugly, the actress. I hate to say it. Really? I think she's not a good looking lady. You want to go look at her? I like black girls though. Let me see. No, I also like black girls.

I think she's a weird looking lady. Yeah, but I really like them. Halle Berry? You said it wasn't her. It's not her. Halle Bailey? You said it wasn't her. It's not her. Halle Bailey? Halle Bailey. No, that bitch is hot.

Look at her eyes. I need to make my browser bigger to see her eyes. Different fucking time zones. Do you think she would let me call her Brittany Venti? Is that what you want to have happen? Hit the images to find more images of her. She also seems to have this huge scar above her to find. Look at the more images of her. She also seems to have like this huge scar above her. Oh, look at this.

Yeah. Oh my God. She looks terrible. She's got a big old chin too. Nah, this is the face she's making. Too much chin. Too much chin. And look at how far apart her eyes are.

She looks like an Atlantis. I think they picked her because she looks like a fish This is pretty good She's got big old tits here I just think her face is weird Look at that one See that one where they- Look at that one that says Marvel Studios right below your thing

This one? She has like a scar on her fucking- No, somebody edited this This isn't real Look No, she looks like that Some jackass did this The direct I think she looks jacked up

look i think she looks that's a hot girl her eyes are a little far apart but whatever she looks okay but she's not like hot that hot like she could be hotter to play like she's definitely like not you know she's out of my league i'm not gonna say that but ariel's i don't know arms are a should be like, you know, the little black mermaid friend of the actual black mermaid She's no oh sister. You can't go to Ursula. She gone Take your voice away You know, she could be like the little helper mermaid. Yeah. What does she just say About Prince Eric Ooh He's so fine girl He gonna make you The ball

That's not what they Ooh He's cheating on you Ooh He cheating on you Yeah You can't trust no man Her arms look like

A car accident I'll give you that She looks like A secondary character This is not main character Material Okay I take back what I said Thank you I can tell She looks like a secondary character. This is not main character material. Okay, I take back what I said.

Thank you. I can tell. I'm the ultimate casting man in Hollywood. Let's see. Go down a little bit. What happened here? We lost a whole bunch. Oh, yeah. There we go.

Okay. Enough people complaining about the mermaid. Yep. Coach Cake for five. Vito was dead on with his E-band problem. I already know anytime you guys do this thing With the E-dash that you're going to talk about E-fairies

It's like the 80th time you've tried to get me To say E-fairies You fucking idiot, Coach Cake, you fucking blew it This is such stupid Mike Hunt for two, can black mermaids swim? Dick, you would be the one to know No, because of the bones, it's not Mike Hunt for two also says Little Mermaid will be good because she is black so that's a bonus

Crab Zula for 690 Congrats Dave on getting cucked by your bull Kyle. I hope the home birth goes fairly well Hmm. Oh, that's about cool for two. Thank you all for not killing yourselves Yeah for now Mike Hunt for five Rings of Power Only gets better Because there are

Black characters Return of the Kang Am I right? Mike Hunt comes in To my show And I have There's this black lady Raya

Who's been like Sitting in And like talking about Shut And then Mike Hunt Will just drop Like Oh y'all watching

That Rings of Power And I'm like Oh my god This poor black woman Being forced to deal With this Like Hunt will just drop like, oh, y'all watching that? Rangs of power. And I'm like, oh, my God. This poor black woman being forced to deal with this coded racist language. Osama bin Diesel for five. Amazon has announced a remake of Anne Frank's Diary with Anne Frank being portrayed by a young black girl. Oh, that's cool. George Floyd and Steen would be so proud.

What the fuck is that? Evan Ligon for ten. The best part of that. What the fuck is that Evan Ligon For 10 The best part If they did that Remade Anne Frank's diary God it'd be Better It would be

A lot more suspenseful If it was a black girl Double the Cause yeah You can't even pass it off You can't go like And you have to be quiet You have to be quiet

Can you imagine You've heard of Anne Frank's diary But now It's a black girl And she busts the drop And goes Whoa it's the clam, motherfucker!

And Chris Tucker goes, oh, shit! Right? And Debo is the Nazi. Guys, you have to be quiet. Debo is a Nazi, riding his bike, wearing a fucking swastika armband, right? I don't know if Debo is still alive, but he's there going...

Like you said, and they have to be quiet. As we know, for the black population, it's an impossibility. Well, that's just like a stereotypical joke. I get the joke. I don't think it's true. I understand. Evan like for 10. The best part about the AI Little Mermaid is people were mad they changed your skin and face but kept the voice.

One quote in the article is, they want our talent but not our skin. No, I want all women replaced by computers. By computers. I don't know. She's a good singer, this actress, I guess. That's probably why they got her. Look at her. Look at her arms.

That's singing arms? If you're a woman and you have arms that look like a frosting container that's done, then you better be doing something else. And somebody's taking a picture of you, then you're doing something else that's probably singing. Mike Hunt for two says Ariel's like 14, Little Mermaids is just cuties too. They better say it though.

In the movie, they better say, Ariel, it's your 14th birthday or something like that. Was she 14 in the original? Yeah. In the original Hans. Well, in the original? Yeah It's about falling in love with a prince Well in the original like Fairytale D-Jailbait it once you make it for a mass audience

King Triton should have said like Ariel this was your 18th birthday celebration Absolutely They do that in Lifetime movies They should go back and change it So that we know That the movie is not They should do that in the Bible too

They should release a new King James one. The no grooming Bible. I'm on board. Mike Hunt. Actually, I should make a video taking all the grooming out of the Bible. How old is Virgin Mary? Nine. She's pretty young.

Yeah. And then everybody would always be like, here, take my sister to wed and. Take my sister. Yeah. Turn her into salt. I don't give a shit. God. Mycon for two.

Take my root. White. Pocahontas white. Princess frog white. Yeah, we're going to do it. Yakis Makakis for two. Biggest problem in the universe is redhead erasure. I think they're making her hair, like, almost red, but that's why it looks ridiculous.

It's like a black lady with, like, red... I know you're not saying anything about a black woman's hair. All right, my con for two. I need a fat Ariel too for more representation. Yeah. DMG play for 25 rons. What the fuck is that? What's a ron?

I don't know. I don't want any rons. I wish they would tell. Take your rons back. Thank you for the Rons DMG play Take those Rons And shove them right up your ass

DMG play You fucking prick Piss driblets Well we haven't had that problem On our show right You know I was Five years ahead

Of Tim Robinson On piss driblets That's true They are a big problem Yeah Should have made a big sketch To go along with it the ho god seven for two video games suck brb i'm making a hat in red did

coach cake for five i love the show but you know you need to consult the crossword section of the newspaper the show is high energy i was going to tell you after this call that my energy having problems uh i've got a little something that could probably help you out Oh for my for my low energy for my back pain for your back. Yeah, that might help kind of pain I'm sorry if I've been low energy on this show. I'm literally in tremendous pain right now, but not as much as me. I'm alright I'm doing fine. Cotographer for one 99. Just got my dark veto shirt off. Uh, uh,

Amazon. That is a stuttering. John quote, of course, who has purchased the dark Brandon shirt. Oh, you're not keeping up on the stuttering. John,

uh, nonsense. Well, dark Brandon is a popular liberal meme. We're now Brandon. Uh, Joe Biden has dark glowing eyes and starting Justin kids. Maybe sniffing them to get their power.

That's how he stays powerful. Yeah. He's sniffing their essence to try and find the ones that have the most pure souls. Oh yeah. So you can harvest their adrenaline later. Don't you think it's funny what Epstein did? No,

really? Like if I did it, if I did it, They can harvest their adrenochrome later. Don't you think it's funny what Epstein did? No. Really? Like if I did it, if I did it, don't you think it would be funny? No. Why? Which part? Tricking a bunch of politicians and celebrities into raping minors and then blackmailing them. I don't know. No, I don't think that would be funny.

It's not even a little bit funny? No It's bad Man, I really disagree with everyone Alright, it would be funny if you weren't No, it's not funny Wait, I have a question You gotta break an omelette to make

You have to break an omelette to make eggs Did you see the queen? The picture of the queen And then Jeffrey Epstein is also in the same cabin And they're both sitting at this cabin In like a boat mort. No, like he was like Jeffrey Epstein was vacationing at the cabin that the Queen Oh Mort or something like that. Did you hang out with the Queen? No, was that real? Who knows did you see that like some kid tried yelling a prince whatever you're a fucking you're pedophile

Yeah, like they like carted him away. And then everyone tried to kick his ass, too. The UK is wild, man. They're the same as here. I don't know, man. If any president died, there wouldn't be anything like that. I mean, I don't know. I guess if he was assassinated in office, but this was an old lady.

Wait, what do you mean? I'm saying, like, what's the last time that a former president died? Did Jimmy Carter die yet? No. I don't know. You think when Obama dies, I can go up there and say whatever I want? When they're driving him down Martin Luther King Boulevard through Compton, I can just go...

I can go dress up in my fucking Emirati's closet. Are they going to have a big funeral when Obama dies? It'll be like a It will be around the clock They'll have an Obama funeral And then when that's done they'll have a Fucking George Floyd profession What did they do when Reagan died?

Was there a big parade? No, they just put him in that little church In Studio City They're not gonna make a big thing out of it Okay,, they're not going to make a big thing out of it. Okay, when Obama dies, maybe they'll make a big thing out of that. That's the only one. Really? Because he was such a good president, and that's the only reason why.

Let's see. John for five. Vito, you have to ride the bike. We want you to live. Oh, yeah, the bike's going to keep me alive. DM for ten. You will. Vito, I challenge you to a weight loss challenge.

You don't even have to be active each day. It will help your brain and body, though. Damn it. Damn it, DM, you fuck. You fucked it up. Cartographer for 199, I've grown to hate you both, but I can't quit you. What did I do? What do you mean, what did you do? What did I do?

Why do you assume they're gonna hate me? Because you're refusing to work out. I'm not refusing to work out. I'm trying to do a thing. Everything sucks. Go down. Let's see. Evan like for two.

September 11th was Sunday, not Monday. Mr. Masterson. I drank on Sunday, though, a lot. Okay, so I haven't drank since September 12th. But I did drink yesterday. How many days is that? Like seven or eight? Why do we have...

This is not important. This is not valuable information. Well, they asked. One, two... Okay, so I didn't drink three days in the last 30. Good work. I hope you have your answer. I hope everybody in the audience who needs their old drunk uncle Masterson to always be on the sauce.

Well, he better be drinking every day. Otherwise, the illusion is shattered. Spider Eternal for two says, I got laid off this week. If you don't vote for this, go fuck yourself. I didn't vote for it. No, I did not. I voted for you to have jobs. The way that Biden has been decimating the unemployment rate and returning Americans to work.

What a guy. And the price of gas continues to go down. Continues to plummet. Evan like for two. Says the little hammerhead. Oh, no. Our eyes aren't that far apart. Near Purcell for five.

Get Carl on again so I can hear some prompt to beef. That was pretty close. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was. Read that one, Dick. That's pretty good. Hear his impromptu beef aired on the show. Impromptu beef.

Very close. Jim Satala for $4.99. Can't believe Vito didn't bring up the backlash on black Twitter to Woman Kang. They started boycott Woman Kang to protest the glorification of slavers. Get back to the kitchen. Woman. Get back to the fucking bitch. Yeah. They like,

uh, it's about a regiment of, uh, African soldier women, uh, who did exist, but I think famously lost every battle they were in against and they were slavers and they were owned a bunch of slaves or helped sell

slaves or whatever else yeah see that babe I think the biggest problem facing everyone always goes why don't you just make like a story based on like black history or myths or whatever and you're like like what like which one what's your favorite black myth? Don't hide. The myth of Michael Jordan's dad getting killed because of Michael Jordan's own gambling debts. What about that? I don't want to hear about that either.

Yeah, I think the problem is, look, there's a lot of great mythology out there, and it just so happens that it was mostly Dutch's and Germans and whatever was writing it for some reason. Probably because they had a fucking printing press. Butthole Weeb for five, you know you want to admit to your eating sins, Master Sin. You know I'm going to ask you. That guy's always asking about eating ass. I don't want to eat ass, and I don't eat ass. I don't know why you keep asking me.

Tell them about all the ass you've been eating. Real quick, show us our most popular supporters. Still a month behind. I know we're a month behind. I was going to do it, and then my fucking back went out, and I didn't want to do anything. You can't sit at a computer and do Photoshop. I was making a stinger.

I was putting the stinger together lovingly and pulling clips, and then you go, I don't even know this fucking song. Well, I don't know the song. That was like a huge song It was from that movie Look it up the movie real quick Okay look here This guy says something

Drunk in Atheist Studio I love that guy Just watched the Willow trailer Very diverse And it doesn't look like An absolute drag How do they do it And what does it mean

For running narratives Yeah I don't know I haven't seen the Willow trailer Maybe I'll check it out Willow? The movie about the World of Davis? The rebooting Willow is either a TV

show or a movie. I don't remember. God damn. Real quick, look up this song Teenage Dirtbag. It's from a movie. No, because then we'll get copyright strikes. No, don't listen to it. Just see what movie it's from. How am I going to look up a song? It'll literally be on Wikipedia. What if I accidentally click the song

and it starts playing? We already got dating because I played the music probably. No, that hasn't happened before. Teenage Dirtbag there on Wikipedia. Why did you click that? I fucking told you that I would accidentally play it. No, stop. I can't.

Stop. What are you, an idiot? There. From what movie is it from? It was certified 2X platinum in the United Kingdom. It was in a movie, famously. Scroll down a little bit. It'll tell you.

Music video. I don't see anything about a movie. Go up to the music video part. Stop scrolling around so fast. Here, movie. No, it's right there. I'm doing a search for a movie and it's not coming out It's right there It's based on the 2000 film Loser

Which the song features in Jason Biggs was who I meant Not Jason Schwartz Oh from American Pie? Yeah Yeah I know him Yeah so it was like a big comedy at the time And this was like the main song from it

Wait what? Loser? Oh the film It was the name of the movie Yeah I don't remember this I was in college at this point Doing fucking

Studying You definitely heard the song Teenage Dirtbag I don't think so I was out I don't know any of these guys Alright everybody Patreon.com slash biggest problem Biggestproblem.show

Goodbye Let us know in the comments If you recognized the song from the stinger of these guys. Alright everybody, patreon.com slash biggestproblem, biggestproblem.show Goodbye. Let us know in the comments if you recognized the song from the stinger. And go tell Keffels to call into the show. Tell Keffels to call in and ask her what the biggest problem in the universe is. Ask her what the biggest

problem in the trans experience is. Oh my god. Did you see when Keffels was, she was on her Hold on, let me get these guys out of the way She was on her I don't want them related to this She's on her show with her little Irish

Girlfriend Is that also a trans friend or just a regular lady Just a lady And they're talking about Kiwi Farms And somebody super chatted Keffles do you eat pussy And she said yeah And the Irish girls like oh

She got all flustered my fucking talk or straight. Oh man, so they got a little something going I don't know they should that's exciting slap Kelsen's just starting only fans Why does Kevils not have an only fans? fans like this why does kevils not have an only fans women don't have to have only farms fucked up this keffel situation so bad oh they're still doing it kevils could be nobody right now if you had just left her alone you literally made her into an international superstar what were you thinking they're so fucking stupid they're so stupid just not and they're still going they're still going like in my when i say i say, Keppel's calling my show.

They're like, oh, don't you mean, don't you mean, yeah, and then dead name him. You just can't stop making her money. I don't care, but it's like you are so autistic and dumb. You cannot stop helping someone that you claim to hate. Rikada is helping her make money. And I don't know why he's doing that. I pray to, I hope there is a God. He's throwing his own livelihood away to make her thousands of dollars.

I'm like, Nick, just stop. What do you care? Stop. Just stop. Stop or she will take everything. Stop giving her money. Do you know how easy it is to go? You understand that she increases in power was with you losing power right yes yes

yeah i really want to sit everyone's head it's like it's a monster that eats what you throw at it and gets bigger goes are the gozerian yeah you're fucking arguing with with with math what the fuck is wrong with you well no, no, what I actually said was if you get... What do you want? Do you want her to get into a TV show and then you'll stop? At what point? What do you not need to have? When she's president of the United States, will you then

realize what you've done? A shack? A picture of a van. When you're Josh Moon living in the middle of Serbia or wherever the fuck he is. What are you doing? Stop. Oh, my God.

Who's going to give? I wake up every day. Who's giving Keffel's her win of the day today? It's the spirit of the thing. No, it's the one. Actually, it is. You can't win this one. Just stop.

I don't get it. You've already lost so much. So all the news networks Get sued Because they called Kyle the Sandman A racist Yeah

Oh yeah We gotta get them Johnny Depp's Ex-lover Sue her And sue the publication Right For lying about her

Isabella Janke I know A lot of people Lying about her Where are we on The defamation on that It's a very bizarre situation Oh man Wow It's so A lot of people have been lying about her Where are we on the defamation on that? It's a very bizarre situation Oh, wow

It's so confusing I don't know why these people keep just throwing away It's like, what do you Just stop, who cares Just let her be in Ireland A mob of people will make you do anything She took away your Kiwi Farms I'm sorry

You made that happen I can't believe it't believe you thought you were untouchable you clearly weren't no told you that you weren't no was there telling all of you every day stop doing this stop what you're doing stop you're helping her stop stop you guys are like what if i dox her again she makes a couple extra guys check out this joke i'm gonna find i'm gonna find her guys guys guys check out this joke that I said over here. What if I get a bomb threat to her instead? What if I said, I'm going to go down to the poutine store,

and I'm going to strap around a bomb in an island, and I'm going to blow it up. What do you guys think of that one? That's just some of that classy consumer. You know she got pronouns in the bio, right? And then she goes, I don't put my pronouns in the bio, because then they just say pronouns in the bio, right? And then she goes, I don't put my pronouns in the bio because then they just say pronouns in the bio. I'm like, that's the most exquisite thing I've ever seen in my life. Self-aware.

She knows what she's doing. I have no pronouns in the bio. I'm the most powerful trans person that ever exists. Boom. Person. They're people now. They are. Wow.

I'm going to say They were always people I don't think that's changed What a show Goodbye What a show