The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 57

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

Refusal to Wear the Hijab, Shorter Attention, Getting Band-Aids Wet, Boring Sports Uniforms

From annoying theater teens to annoying let's go. To a bunch of dead Marines. Suicidal Marines. There, go live. It's good. It's perfect. It's good. Great. Grand. Everybody on the bus. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. They have no idea

how much time we spent on that rhyme. Well, I liked it when we could I liked it when we could outsource it. Well, you have to remember to outsource it Why do I have to remember to do everything Because when you post it up you should say Hey we're going live later give me some rhymes

Give me your fucking rhymes Do it correctly don't do it like in a joke way Give me the rhymes From the last episode From this episode you're listening to right now Send it to me Put it on YouTube At youtube.com

Slash you biggest problem Not the you biggest problem just biggest problem There's so many moving parts but the rhyme is crucial The rhyme I need The rhyme it takes us 10 minutes It did take a long time to get to a rhyme We got it now And then someone fucking immediately nails it on there

God damn you jackass You fucking jerk Biggest problem bonus episode is up right now Are we gonna spoil the theme? I'm all fucked up It's not up right now It'll be up if you're listening to this after it's been posted on Patreon It's up right now

Patreon.com slash biggest problem You gotta give money And then you'll see it You'll see a loading page Biggest problem in fast food Super size The super size edition Of biggest problem in the universe

Now available at patreon.com Slash biggest problem Let's do it Let's Do it You are late and gay Pneumatic artist Biggest

Super chance Problem In the fucking super chance's the fucking Super Chats. It's the fucking Super Chats. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from annoying teens to suicidal marines. Whoa!

I'm your host, Dick Mash. And joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi. Hi, Dick. How are you? Wow, what a dynamite bonus episode we just did. I think it's one of our best. The biggest problem, supersized edition. And the best part about the new biggest problem bonus episode is we don't give you one, two, three, four problems. We went above and beyond. I think we had like eight problems.

That's just too many. Biggest problem in fast food. Everyone got too amped up Well we've been discussing this A lot of people give me shit They go Vito you bring too many food problems Cause I have so many of them Yeah

And this was my chance To get so many of them out on the table But I think you at home Also have a ton Of fast food problems Cause Dick you posted on Twitter Yeah What are your fast food problems

We got like hundreds Of responses Yeah but there We also need to mix it up With like problems about women and stuff Well if we do a bonus Twitter, what are your fast food problems? We got like hundreds of responses. Yeah, but we also need to mix it up with like problems about women and stuff. Well, if we do a bonus, we can't do a bonus problem about women. That would just break the. There was no problem. That's like a Seinfeld thing.

Like you need like food problems. You need women problems. Is that how you break up a good Seinfeld episode or a season? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're all sweaty. I'm all excited for the show. I'm all amped up.

Big energy. Theater kids. Theater kids takes it home. Wow. I'm surprised. I am also surprised. Big winner. Probably the voting's rigged, I think.

I don't know if that's what it is. I know we set up some sort of grid to make it on the up and up, but it seems like... Everybody hates theater kids. I think universally. Yeah, I think everybody has encountered theater kids I think they know that they're terrible I think they know that they're responsible for a lot of the problems in the world Because they go on to make bad TV Make bad online entertainment All of TikTok

Is theater kids being validated For the first time in their lives And frankly it's destroying society Huh, they finally have an outlet to just be stupid go look me and all my friends did a challenge And I'm gonna eat a spicy corn chip and oh look we're covered in balloons. It's disgusting spicy punch right in your face Yeah, how about that complete lack of talent? Just being allowed in wacky for attention on I never even thought of how bad theater kids were. I guess I just thought, like, oh, those people are kind of annoying over there,

but I didn't know they were all ex-theater kids. They're taking over, man. Drunk eating, very low compared to theater kids. Well, I still don't think that's a problem. I still contend that drunk eating is great. Okay, now I see what the issue was with drunk eating. Yeah. Military suicides, very low.

Comically low. Comically low. Maybe Al-Qaeda was voting. I feel like it was almost negative. Everyone was like, ah, let those motherfuckers kill themselves. No, not the horn. God damn. What do you suppose it is?

I had a couple people leave comments that the horn apparently had them in stitches But they found it very comical that as I talk about the very serious issue of military suicides That there is a sad horn playing for some reason Don't you think at some point it's just like give me a break Like okay I still think it's a serious problem Thanks for fucking whatever that was I support all our boys and whatever.

Afghanistan. And gyms. Yeah. And dongs. Don't kill yourself. And if you do kill yourself, please get it on video so I have something to watch when I'm bored. Don't kill yourself. There's another war right around the corner.

I mean, let's tell them. You go to Ukraine and make sure nobody steals Zelensky's money. Yeah. Right? Well, that's what we're doing. Selling cash over there. Was that all the problems? Was there one more?

The war on whiteface. The war on whiteface was terrible. Terrible problem. Meanwhile, war on blackface. Killing it. Feels like you tried to steal my thunder and failed miserably. Racist. Steven says, classic veto. kicked the can down the road.

Future Vito will figure out how to lose weight. Present Vito's life is too hard. It is. Martin says, excuse finders. My back hurts. I've got too much going on. I can't cycle it. Is every show going to be Vito is a fat and easily?

I know. Look, I have a plan. It's coming together. I'm not going to make excuses. I'll just let you. I have a plan. Somebody with the account name deleted posted all of your excuses. I know. Look, I have a plan. It's coming together. I'm not going to make excuses. I'll just let you. I have a plan. Somebody with the account name deleted posted all of your excuses. I know.

Do you want to? Go nuts. Go nuts. This is all the excuses you gave why you couldn't lose weight. They're all basically the same excuse, but sure. No, that's what makes it so interesting is that they're not the same excuse. So he clipped out just your excuses when I was trying to get you to lose weight last week.

My back hurts, just sucks normally, so I'm out, so I'm gonna get these Amazon packages tomorrow. I know I have to lose weight. I don't know when I'm gonna start. Well, I had a plan, but I don't have room in my apartment. I have an exercise bike, but I can't use it because there's nowhere to put it. I don't have room because everything is in boxes and it's a nightmare, but then I'd have to go buy

a bike. It would probably collapse beneath my fucking weight. I'm trying, but I'll throw my fucking back out or something stupid happens. Well, I can't ride it right now. I'm trying to walk a little bit every day. I don't know where I have to walk to. I have a plan. Here's the problem with losing weight. I can only do something if I focus on it intensely.

That's just my thing. I will forget to do push-ups. If I need to do weight loss, it has to be one of the two things going on in my life right now. When I have 50 things going on, I'll give you the good bike if I can fit it in my car. Every day, I'm not going to ride it twice a day. Then I don't have to give me the bike. It's too much. I will ride a bike once every day if I don't do something else. I don't want it to come up with an exercise plan right now.

I'll figure it out later. Tick My Life is completely falling apart. Long, sob story about being depressed, all to garnered sympathy, and all which would be alleviated by exercise and healthy eating. I was thinking of monitorizing my weight loss, making it a fun thing. I'm not refusing to work out. I'm trying to do a thing, and it sucks. Vote up fat brain, the guy said.

What do you think about all that? I think I've got a plan. The plan has steps, and one of the steps is that my back is thankfully getting better. So hopefully I will be able to. How was your back at Disneyland? It was not good. Somebody said that somebody emailed me and they said, I just saw Vito riding a scooter around at Disneyland.

Then I said, no way. But if you have a picture of it, please tell me he didn't actually get a picture. No, he didn't. Look, I did not want to use a scooter, but I literally could not walk more than like 10 minutes at a time. My back was completely fucked. And I had these Disneyland tickets that were going to expire, and I had already promised a friend I would go.

A lady? A lady. Well, no, she's married. It's a friend, whatever. That means nothing to me. Regardless, it's like $50 to rent a scooter for the day. Regardless, it's like $50 to rent a scooter for the day. And I did walk for most of the day, but like, you know, just when I needed to sit, I had a scooter.

And it was embarrassing and horrible. What do you mean you walked most of the day and you had a scooter to sit? What, did you walk next to the scooter? Well, I'm just, no, I mean like you park the scooter in a part of the park. Like you get to the part of the park you're going to like hang out in, and then you park the scooter and you walk around that part of the park. Like where? Like Star Wars land. I went to Star Wars land.

And you parked the scooter? Yeah, and I parked the scooter. And then I get up and I walk around a bit. For 10 minutes for 9 minutes and 59 seconds. And then once my back hurts, I fucking sit in a chair or something. I threw out my back, okay? I did not want to be in a scooter. Yes, it's humiliating to be the fat guy in the scooter.

It was the lowest. Well, I wasn't going to throw out the Disney tickets. Somebody gifted them to me. I would have felt like shit if I didn't use them. So I went and I went on a couple of rides and I had some fun. Okay. And yes,

I rode a scooter around and thank God nobody got a picture of it. Cause I would be endlessly pissed at this guy who wrote in for not getting a picture. That's, that's even worse. I would be endlessly humiliated. I'm pissed at this guy who wrote in for not getting a picture. That's even worse than being in the fucking scooter. I should have worn a disguise, honestly. Hey, Dick, I just saw Vito on a scooter. I want pictures of Spider-Man. Oh my god. If somebody

got a picture of me riding that, like literally the lowest point in my life is riding a fat scooter around Disneyland I'm not proud of it I thought it was a back scooter well it was a back scooter but come on I mean everybody looks at you and they go he's probably got it because he's a big fat guy you know that's the assumption yeah and uh it's up um truly horrible so uh What did the girl say? She was also using a scooter that day So Look, I'm not getting into that, alright?

Yeah, dueling scooters? We had dueling scooters, we raced them It was fun It was not a big deal What am I talking about here? She's a big lady Okay And you are's a big lady Okay And you are also a big lady

You're right She's bigger than me though So Okay She also She has you know Look some people actually need them She needs one

You don't need it I don't need it She has like chronic All those excuses That I just read Yes Okay Alright

Well I had fun I went to all the shitty attractions Because I couldn't stand in lines long enough, so I went to the Tiki Room, and I saw Abraham Lincoln's animatronic show. Oh, did you really? Yeah, I love all the shitty Disneyland attractions. They're fun. Yeah, yeah.

I love just animatronic Lincoln telling me, like, you might as well commit suicide if you won't fight for our country. I'm like, yeah, tell him, Lincoln. I didn't know that. I saw them in tell them, Lincoln. I didn't know that. I saw that in The Simpsons. I didn't know that existed. The animatronic Lincoln, yeah. Well, in Disney World, they have the whole hall of presidents.

Here in Disneyland, you only get Lincoln. And they don't have Trump? No, they don't have Trump. Where can I see animatronic Trump? In Disney World. Really? Yeah. You've never seen the video of animatronic Trump?

No. I mean, he's in the background now, but whoever the current president is, if you go to the Hall of Presidents, whoever the current president is, gives the main part of the speech or whatever. Nice. So Obama did it for a while. Bad. And then it was animatronic Trump, and now they have animatronic Biden do it,

and Trump just stands in the background and looks disapprovingly at robot Biden. Okay. Chez Cheese says, I got to stop listening to this show at the gym. When Dick played the horn on Military Suicide, I almost dropped a very heavy barbell on my neck. Well, good show. Wartooth says,

I'll have you know my grandfather died in a concentration camp. He got drunk and fell out of a guard tower. Oh, he was a guard. No, a guard took him up. He was a prisoner and a guard took him up tower. Oh, he was a guard. No, a guard took him up. He was a prisoner and a guard took him up there. Oh, he was a Jew. No, he was in prison because he was a guard who disobeyed orders. Oh, so he was a guard.

And the orders were to be more cruel to the prisoners. Okay. Wait, so he was a good guard. He was trying to be nice to the prisoners. Okay. Wait, so he was a good guard. He was trying to be nice to the Jews. But he disobeyed it on accident because he was drunk. Right, because he was drunk. That's the best part. So what do you think about that?

Fantastic. The Keffels drama is our World War II. The nicknames are just a little different. E-Love says, this time around for troops, stuff like porn flakes, masturbator. I think it's like JFK getting shot. What did I say? That was something else. You keep saying that this is our generation's JFK getting shot.

I also want to mention a couple comments because Dick was negging last week's Stinger. A couple comments came in and said I knocked it out of the park and thank you very much. Speaking of Stingers, Dick, I have an exciting segment I call Vote It

Up! Well, we got crazy liberal women cutting off their breasts, inflation pedophiles in the IRS. We got Mastercut and Visa put us on our knees while LeBron apologizes to the dirty Chinese. But there's only one podcast that's a-takin' a stand,

Restorin' sanity across this beautiful land. Go vote! Vote, vote it up, vote! Don't be a cock, vote! I'll fuck you up, vote! I'll cut your damn throat if you don't vote, BiggestProtin.show! I'll cut your tits right off vote it up folks

you know that one that was johnny be good what a song vote it up folks well this is of course the segment where we revisit past problems to remind you that you can at any time go to biggest problem.show hit up the big list of problems vote them up or down as you decide and as you obtain new information that maybe will color your perception of those problems. One problem we had previously, I believe this was one of yours, Dick, was hate hoaxes. Was that you? Yeah.

Hate hoaxes, a big problem. Well, Brigham Young University has found no evidence that a racial slur was yelled at Duke volleyball player Rachel Richardson despite all the recent media outcry. Did you hear about this story? No. What racial epithet did they have? I believe it was some black epithet. Of course, they never tell you specifically what it was.

We can assume it was some sort of slur. That's the only reason I'm clicking on the link! There was a lot of press from CNN, ESPN, NPR, ABC, NBC, and the New York Times who all reported that slurs were leveled at the player Rachel Richardson, yet no evidence has been found to corroborate her claims. Brigham Young University interviewed 50 eyewitnesses

and reviewed security and raw footage from all camera angles taken of the match. Yet again, there is no evidence that any racial slurs were actually uttered at this player. Oh, she spread it? Well, she's saying. Then she's lying about it? She's a black player. Hold on. She says that the opposing team, or I believe in the stands,

were yelling racial epithets at her. And there is just no. Grow up. We have found no evidence to corroborate those claims. Well, now they're going to say it. Well, FYI. Maybe they said it and it just wasn't picked up or heard by the 50 people around her.

We don't know. Oh, man, that would be my power. Superpower. He can say the end word and it doesn't appear or any sort of slur you want. And it doesn't appear. You can't record it. Right?

Yeah, that would be a great one. Wait, I distinctly heard someone say. I heard him say it. Well, let's pull out the tape. What if he was like a famous Superman power that got replaced with his super ventriloquism where he could project his voice? What if you could convince people that they heard a slur from someone else? Yeah.

You could create such chaos. No, because I want the attention. Did Biden just call me the N word You want the attention Yeah I want it to be like me saying like Oh yeah you and then they're like Did you just I know you just said that What the fuck

Did you get that put that back He said it and then on Then on the video it's just like me going Silent slurs Silent but deadly Undetectable. Well, another problem I think you brought in was women banging psychopaths. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is a great story. A chopped up body was found stuffed inside two suitcases in a Brooklyn apartment Wednesday, believing to belong to an abused 22-year-old woman named Dacia Johnson, whose remains were found in a grisly scene of splattered blood alongside a meat cleaver. Now, on Wednesday, security guards knocked on the door. Does it set off any alarms if your boyfriend's coming home with a meat cleaver? Like, I don't have a meat cleaver.

Maybe it was her meat cleaver. Women don't normally have meat cleavers. You're right. Yeah, that's an odd thing for anyone to have. I think that he might have brought the meat cleaver in after the fact, because on Wednesday, security guards knocked on the door of this woman's apartment to perform a welfare check. But when they tried to get into the apartment, the woman's boyfriend and another man refused to let them in. Okay.

When they went to call the cops, the two men made their getaway, lugging a duffel bag, leaving behind the two suitcases body parts full of body parts wow isn't that the worst you know you got a plan you're cutting up the body everything's all set and then some nosy security guard comes along and blows the whole thing how would you get rid of a body uh i would bake a big cake i don't think that's the best. Wait, did South Park do that? No, no, no, no. Like a big cake and you throw the body in there. Make it chilly.

No, no, no, no. Like a birthday cake for somebody. Okay, a large birthday cake. Because people try to hide it in duffel bags. Right. Well, no, like a hollow birthday cake. Like a stripper's going to come out. And you put her in there. And you're like, oh, here we go.

With the whole body or are you cutting up the body? Either way. Okay, but it it's gonna smell like meat you're gonna have a bunch of human parts in there hmm it would make more sense to make a chili or a meat pie you made a large body pie well that would make more sense that you're already cooking something if you're making a cake what about lucite i see on reddit people are putting like Twinkies in lucite. I don't think that's a good plan at all. No, you put like the bathtub and you just put the body in there and then lucite it. You're supposed to cut up the body into pieces. There's certain pieces that you can dissolve in lye and acid.

The problem is the bones. You're going to have to take the bones and drive them out to the woods and bury them deep. But all the flesh you can just strip off. I feel like I want like a fantasy camp of getting rid of a body. Okay. I feel like it's not that. It cannot be that hard. It's just that usually you're all upset and afraid.

Like if somebody came in. Or you're lazy like that guy Who used to Call into Carl's podcast And ended up Killing his girlfriend Yeah He just left her to decay In his basement for eight months And eventually

Your neighbors go Some smells It's the smell Is the problem Hmm A body starts to stink Pretty quick Okay

So if you're in a Crowded apartment You gotta You gotta really move On the dismembering You gotta do it all In like a couple hours You can't go Oh chop her Like half of her up If you're in a crowded apartment, you got to really move on the dismembering. You got to do it all in like a couple hours. You can't go, oh, chop her, like half of her up.

No, go do the whole thing all the way through. Okay. Power through, as we say. I can't promise it'll get to it today. Okay. Now that you're describing it like that. Well, I think you got to, you lazy Mexicans, that's your biggest problem. And my biggest problem, Dick, is attention spans. Oh, wait, that was the end of your bit?

Yeah, that was the end of my bit. You want to play the capper? Well, we got crazy liberal women cutting off their breasts, inflation pedophiles, and the IRS. Or having giant breasts. We got master cut and visa put us on our knees. Well, LeBron apologized to the dirty Chinese. But has a lot of problems. What about just burying the body?

No, cause the dogs find it. I'll fuck you up, vote. I'll cut your damn throat if you don't vote. Votes are good. The biggest problem that you'll ever... Take it out on a... Yeah. If you wrap it up and... What if I just take it out on a plane and throw it out like... I don't know what happened to that guy.

Just fell out of a plane. I think my biggest thing is always like, how do you get out of the country? That's what you really want to do. Just drive to Mexico. Yeah, you can go over the border. Yeah. But you want to get into another part of South America. You don't want to stay in Mexico.

Oh, why? Just because, what do you call it? I mean, if they're looking for you, I mean, they know everybody goes to Mexico. So you got to keep going south. Just put on a mustache. You could get away with that. I couldn't get away with that. Dick, the biggest problem in the world or universe. Oh,

God, got the name of the show wrong. That's a faux pas. Biggest problem in the universe, Dick, is diminished attention spans. Oh, okay. I don't know about you, but I've been finding What's the next problem? Get it? That's a good joke. That was really good. I don't know how anyone sits through this podcast

with the attention spans we have today dick i don't know if you've noticed it's harder and harder to focus on things feel like technology is contributing to making my attention span shorter and uh more faulty i can't i want watch TV. I want to play video games and whatever else and I always, should I look at my phone? Should I check my thing? Blah, blah, blah.

Feels like a disease. Yeah. Sickening. I need two things at least. Oh, God. Something on TV and the computer and then the phone maybe.

The thought of playing a video game without like, you know, like some TV going on in the background or something. Yeah. It's weird to me. Yeah. What is this about? Well, it is true that attention spans are diminishing and they're doing so at a rapid pace i have a number of studies here researchers in canada surveyed 2 000 participants studying the brain activity of 112 other people using eegs I don't know why. So 2,000 plus 112.

What a number. The average attention span has dropped since the year 2000. Okay. The average attention span was 12 seconds. It is now 8 seconds. That's how quick we want to see. The average attention span was only 12 seconds? Right?

What does that mean? That already seems bad you can like lock into like a tv like a movie or like a baseball game i assume that that's like how long you go before your brain plants the suggestion of is there something else i could be doing is there something else i could be looking at i don't feel so bad 12 to 8 i mean that seems reasonable to you that's a massive percentage wise back up to 12 though like that seems to 8 seems reasonable to you? That's a massive percentage-wise. I could bump it back up to 12, though. I would like to bump it back up to 12.

I thought it would be like 4 minutes down to like 12 seconds or something like that. I don't know. It's scary to me. That's a huge drop percentage-wise. I want a minute-long attention span. One way to track attention span is just the information How long trends last In the popular media For instance in 2013

You know how things will be trending on Twitter Like the big boob shop lady Sure This is the last day you can talk about that That's right and that one has managed to last At least a week That's like a big one The tits are so big

All these right wing guys love one. Because the tits are so big. I know. Because all these right-wing guys love to talk about giant tits and gay sex. In 2013, the average Twitter trend lasted for an average of 17.5 hours. Now, in 2022, the average Twitter trend lasts for 12 hours. Just 12 hours. That's all you get Okay Remember when we saved comedy forever

By defending Dave Chappelle Yeah, we got 12 hours We got 12 hours out of it It's pretty good Everybody gets 12 hours of fame I wouldn't mind the whole 18 Yeah, exactly 15 minutes

15 minutes, well Nothing I mean, the 15 minutes was supposed to Represent at least a month It was a theoretical 15 minutes. Now, Dick, the prefrontal cortex is the area of the brain that helps humans control their focus. Adults, you know, we have mastery over it. Thankfully, me and you, our attention spans, we might rot away a little bit.

Mine is dog shit. It is dog shit. It's so bad. I agree. But imagine being a child growing up in the TikTok generation without any ability to develop a prefrontal cortex with any sort of attention span. Scientists warn that when the brain becomes accustomed to constant changes like those in the digital world, it becomes difficult to stay focused. This, of course, coming at a time when TikTok is the second most popular social media platform among children in the U.S. Yeah.

With 60% of children from ages 12 to 15 using it weekly it's basically a constant dopamine addiction that's telling you just focus on something for literally 10 seconds yeah and then i can immediately give you something else yeah that's crazy that's fucking nuts that's the worst fucking thing to give to kids at least before you'd watch the cartoons there was a study once i should have brought this one up where it was like the number you're already even changing in the middle of your sentence to talk about something i can't even focus on what the fuck i'm talking about that these kids are jumping around from thing to thing they can't stay focused on anything and we're literally

designing apps that are designed specifically to condition their brains to constantly seek a brand new dopamine fucking hit every two seconds. And if they don't get it, they're like, I'm fucking bored. Yeah, good. I'm fucking bored. No, fuck attention spans. If you can't deal with this information that you're getting immediately, move on to something else. No, no.

Okay? Because someone who can do it or a computer will do it for you. If you can't deal with this information that you're getting immediately, move on to something else. No, no. Okay? No. Because someone who can do it or a computer will do it for you. But I want boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. When's the last time you read a book? I don't even know what a book is. That's how I feel.

I want to know. But what is this fixation? Okay, I hate, I hate reading. I have read probably more than anybody else in the whole world. Okay. Here's what I have to say about all those books. Gay. There's nothing that you can get out of a book that you can't get out of somebody who read the book and could tell you about it.

Wow, you sound like a TikTok programmer right now. I mean, what do you want? What do these kids need to sit down and have time with their thoughts and imagine anything? What do you think the book Four Hour Workweek tells you about? Have a four-hour workweek. Okay, well, absolutely no chance of that. Right.

Right? Right. I feel like this is a dangerous precedent we're taking. How is anyone going to get anything done if you can't focus on a single task in front of you? How are we going to have a society when you're just constantly like, I should probably do my laundry. Oh, shit, what if I look at this? And then everyone ends up living a slovenly, disgusting lifestyle.

No, our species will die out because the idea of courtship will just be an exhaustion. Courtship? What is this, an incel problem all of a sudden? The amount of time I could spend going on a date and learning to love a woman, I could have watched a thousand TikToks by then, and then our entire species died from it. I could have honestly looked at sex. You go, well, why would I have sex? It takes like an hour or whatever to get the lady in the bed, take off her clothes. I could

jerk off a hundred times in that amount of time. Drinking hot takes like three hours, though. Well, if you're doing... What do you mean it takes three hours? You gotta find the right video. It does not take three hours. Chick is just a shortcut. She won't stop. No, the chick is the long way, the

exhausting way, the way men used to do it when you put in the effort, when your prefrontal cortex developed to say, all right, I can have a sustained interaction with an actual human being. What do you want to do that's so important? As opposed to an eternal Skinner box that constantly scrolls into more dopamine hits. Yeah. It's sick what's going on. It's disgusting.

It's perfect. It's peak man. Like, you're giving these quotes Of ten seconds And eight seconds The attention span Should not It should not even be measurable It should be

Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop React Where is the man When he is just constantly reacting to stimulus There is no man That's what I'm trying to tell you Where is the thoughtful man Who is pondering

And developing information And forging a path forward It's just a constant reaction to short-term dopamine hits. I don't know, like Jesus. Yeah, guys, 2,000 years ago, guys, 2,000 years ago that you quote out of a fucking Cliff Notes that you didn't even read, that you heard, that you got out of a meme on the internet somewhere.

That's your ideal is what you've projected into as the ultimate popular man yeah i am a trad as we say you want more jordan petersons is that what you want you really want these people to think you really want more people sitting around thinking going oh you know i just you know what i'm gonna wear gigantic tits to my shop class. I feel like this is one of those like slippery slope type problems where, you know, it used to be you were a peasant and you were bored a lot, you know, and you had to make do. You had to sing songs.

You had to read poems by candlelight. You invented a lot of stupid ways to fill your time. Okay. And then we kind of reached like a perfect little middle ground. We had TV. It's like you're bored? Put on the TV. You know what? We'll even give you, we'll give you like on demand. You can watch, we give you streaming.

You can watch whatever you want, whenever you want. That's pretty great. Okay. And then why do we need to invent apps? Is this Eric Escobar's problem of evolution? This is evolution, baby. How come the perfect, like the perfect amount of human evolution is always when the person was 15 years old?

Well, you're right. Like, it seems a little... We probably should slide backwards even further. You got to embrace it, man. Fuck attention spans. They're holding you back. I want Ted Kaczynski to tell me the exact amount of technology that we need. Yeah.

That guy figured it out, and he knew what he wanted, and he didn't get it. You just want to be in control of your emotions and your reactions. I want to be able to do anything in my life without going, I wonder if I got like more Twitter likes. I wonder if my YouTube video got more views. Is that what you're doing? I wonder if, oh God. My life has become a constant game of did the number go up?

I've never looked at a YouTube analytic. You don't look at metrics. I'm a big metrics guy. I look at our podcast, you know, in metrics, and I go, we're kind of slipping. Are we slipping? We've got to do another bonus episode so that people sign up for the... You can't look at that shit. Yeah, it drives you nuts.

Yeah. Because it's a constant game of numbers go up same with tiktok because you know how many tiktoks can i watch how many control how many likes can i give how many people liked my comment so you're blaming you're blaming the attention span quote unquote for like a personal problem i i think that my lack of attention span has led to a diminished quality of life. And I could blame myself, but also, you know, you start using, like when Instagram and Facebook showed up, they didn't tell me that they were going to start sneaking these little videos. Eventually they were going to start, here's some fucking videos.

I'm like, well, that's kind of cool. And then I watched like 10 of them. Then I watched like 100 of them. Then I go, what the fuck am I doing? I constantly, I'm like, I'm like, oh, I just want to then I Watch like 10 of them then I watch like 100 of them then I go What the fuck am I doing I constantly I'm like I'm like oh I just want to see on Facebook If that guy messaged me back and I'm like scrolling Through my feed and it's like oh hey watch this Guy bake a cake with a sausage in it

And like watch this guy fix like a Rusty tool shed and watch This lady just playing a slot machine or whatever I'm like what the fuck is that what you get on your Instagram I get a lot of weird shit I like have our chicks With like ridiculously huge tits. Yeah. And dogs.

I have a lot of cats. I have a lot of people making, smoking meats. Ooh. Yeah, a lot of like guys grilling, chilling. Okay. So what would you do if you had an attention span? What do you think people would do if they had attention spans? I don't know.

Would it be better? I mean, it would be better. Guys like Nick Fuentes, you want him to have a... It would help my ability to engage with media and enjoy it without... It's like hard to watch a TV show because I'm like, man, I could be tweeting. But they're all made to be consumed while you're on your phone i know i don't like that like they're all trash i mean no this is no this is something because i no offense no i don't really like the uh critic industry on youtube

where they're it's all like this is fucking too woke. Oh man. This TV show is too woke. I feel like TV is kind of a boomer thing and I don't really care about it or like it. Same with movies. I feel like it's just an old art form that's beneath me. What do you do for

entertainment? Just the big boob Instagram thing that I was telling you about and dogs. Dogs doing stuff. Tits and dogs. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I feel like, I forget what I was gonna say, but nobody has an attention span to remember it. You ever try to watch like old slow movies and you're like,

I know this. It's a nightmare. I know this is like a piece of art. I know it's great and well crafted, but it's just. Yeah. Oh my God. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I like a piece of art. I know it's great and well-crafted, but it's just, oh, my God. I feel like an idiot.

I feel like I'm a fucking shell of a human being that I can't. Do you read books? Some dead man spent his whole life putting together this one piece of art that was hyper-relevant at the time, and I go, oh, yeah, but I could probably fucking grind out some levels in this stupid fucking cell phone game. What's wrong with that, though? What's wrong with that?

It just makes everything feel meaningless. Everything has always felt meaningless. I know. If you could pay attention to what those movies and books, the books those guys were writing are specifically everything's fucking meaningless. Stop trying to find meaning in it. That's what they're saying. I've read at least enough books to know that. I think the ultimate moral was find quiet contemplation of the people and the things you love.

Not go endlessly scroll through titties and dogs until you're happy enough to fall asleep from constant short-term dopamine hits. Don't sleep. Don't sleep at all. Just fucking sleep forever. How about that? That's the only solution. Stretch your sleep out so it's just one never-ending twilight that abruptly stops and had no purpose.

I hope somebody out there, I'm going to start trying to research how to lengthen my attention span. Yeah, but you don't want to live like that you don't want to live out so who cares I'd like to at least I'd like to at least live a slightly

introspective cultured life where I can engage with deeper media and not just like books a constant swarm of bullshit yeah like books okay what's the longest time you've ever gone without the internet oh god i don't even know oh really yeah you should try it like uh yeah maybe like a day or two oh no go for like a week when i've gone can't like last time i went camping which was like years ago yeah yeah uh did you feel it was miserable

it's miserable the only good It was miserable It was miserable The only good part was when I was on drugs Cause it was kinda like using the internet Just looking at shit Do you think Do you think those guys who wrote all those like deep Contemplative books Novels

Would prefer their shitty life I should read War and Peace I'm gonna do it Yeah what do you think that's gonna teach you It's basically like a comic book of The 50s Sometimes I do try to read like some of these classic Books and I go oh this just fucking sucks

It's dumb Well like Dante's Inferno is I keep Trying to I was for some reason I keep trying to read Dante's Inferno and I'm like oh this is like incomprehensible Without like a guide Next to it going like here's what this Fucking means oh yeah cause it'll be like A lion on the mount showed and

gleaming from his teeth was what I'm like, what is that? What? No, no, no. So I've read the entire, the trilogy and it's there's a ton of topical stuff like it's written as like a slam like specifically other 15th century poets. Like here's

Satan and here's Judas and here's the Borgias Caesar Borgias Who is also It's like I don't know who the fuck Who the fuck is that? You need a guide to be like

He was the governor at the time And whatever else Yeah because it's all trash It's all trash All art is trash You have to I can't accept that You have to believe that

I can't accept that You have to believe I'm just asking you. That's the most depressing statement. Do I look depressed to you? All art is trash. Yeah, it's crap. Throw it away.

Burn it. Yeah, you're right. I'll just jerk off and eat hamburgers. Who cares? None of it matters. Anyway, Dick, my problem is diminished attention spans. Anyway, Dick, my problem is diminished attention spans and I guess the general nihilism that pervades modern society. I'm just so tired of being told I need to read books.

But even like, oh, do you have a book on how to read books? Is that what you're telling me? I don't know. I always loved comic books because you can just rip through them so quick even as a kid I've had a diminished attention span though oh yeah yeah once I

once I found I'm like comic books you can get like a whole story in like an hour and then you can just read it ten times in a row so it's a problem

comic books here's my here's my problem let me look let me pull up a news article news article Nathan pull up a news article. News article, Nathan. Bringing up the news.

Oh, yeah. Okay. My problem is refusal to wear the hijab. Okay? No. Women. Women right now. God damn it.

God damn it. Okay. Can I say this real quick What already the attention span No no no I was going to bring in And I even started pulling statistics or whatever Forcing women

To wear the hijab No no no that's Islamophobic They're not all being forced Most women they're choosing They're choosing to wear the hijab because they're not whores. Most women want- See, this is why I didn't bring it in. Most women want to wear the hijab.

Allah fucking blesses them if they wear the hijab. They want to preserve their dignity for themselves, for their family, for their husband, for their Makhshlamul, they call him, for Allah. I almost made the mistake of bringing in a pro-women problem, and then I realized what a mistake that would be, and lo and behold, Dick has brought in the reverse, which is forcing women to subjugate themselves with religious government. My Iranian brothers, whatever you do, do not let the women take off the hijab.

Whatever you do, that will be the end of your civilization if you let the women take off the hijab Whatever you do That will be the end of your civilization If you let the women take off the hijab This genuinely offends me to my core I think the hijab is like The forced hijab is like so terrible It's not forced hijab It's forced in fucking Iran Okay so

Women are forced to wear the hijab And I'm not forced to wear Gym shorts and underpants every day. You're fine. I don't see you protesting in the street because I have to wear, be shamed for my body because I have to fucking wear fucking gym shorts and underpants. Even though, even though you can see the outline of my penis in both, I still am forced, quote unquote, for you, forced to wear them. I mean, nobody's going to beat you up if you wear the wrong kind of pants in Iran, I assume. I'm not talking about Iran.

Okay. Talking about here. Well, here, you're not forced to wear the hijab either. Iranian women are burning their hijabs and cutting their hair short. What's wrong with that? You don't like a short-haired lady? No. In protest over the death, I guess, some lady in Iran.

Oh, no. Don't. Don't. Already with this tone. She decided to. She decided to do what? She decided to just throw off the hijab and other, I don't know if there was anything else that she was throwing off. Okay.

And she was arrested by the police, thank God. Thank God, because we do not want another America. We don't want another America on our hands. Okay. Okay, the last thing we want. And what happened to her after that? She died somehow. Somehow.

And now women are deciding not to wear the hijab. And they must wear the hijab. It is part of the culture. It's part of the culture to wear the hijab. It's not a good reason. It is a very good reason. It's a very good reason. We have to do all, Juneteenth, part of the culture.

Cinco de Mayo, part of the culture. Can't be wearing feather headdresses. Part of the culture. Wear the hijab. You've got to wear the hijab you got to wear the hijab you must wear the hijab Vito okay first of all saying that you will ruin the music you'll ruin the movies they'll be having all kinds of problems they'll be having it offends me so deeply on so many levels. Not wearing the hijab. Me too. This is like just historical, backwards, religious oppression.

It is like anti-free speech, anti-free expression. What's speech about wearing the hijab? You're dressed, not being able to dress how you want, being forced to wear religious garb. It's clear oppression. I'll tell you about free speech. how you want. Being forced to wear religious garb it's clear oppression. I'll tell you about free speech. Various passages in the Quran, the Muslim holy book

and the Hadiths have statements attributed to the Prophet Muhammad make reference to veiling the head of your wives. Okay. That it's pleasing to Allah. Okay. Okay. So how's that for free speech? It's just free speech. It's just guys saying

we want you to wear the hijab and women are saying we want to wear the hijab. So what's that for free speech? It's just free speech. It's just guys saying, we want you to wear the hijab, and women are saying, we want to wear the hijab. So what's the big deal? Many of them are saying they don't want to wear the hijab, and then one of them got fucking killed for it, which is a terrible tragedy. Let me tell you an easy way to avoid that. Wear the hijab. Okay. It's just you white people think you know everything about Islam No, no

And you don't I don't think I know everything about Islam You don't understand what the world is like You can't just not wear the hijab Yeah Then you put yourself in danger I know about the Barack I know all about that

Does the Barack enter into this at all? No Well, then I don't know what's going on It's a different sort of world that you white saviors think you can come in and just say, women, just cast off the hijab. See what happens. I think as someone who cares about liberty and freedom, even for women, I think that we extend them rights as we would extend them to ourselves.

Oh, here we go. I think it is important to allow women to dress as they please. Are they always going to make the most modest decision? They will never make a modest decision. Would you rather women wear... That's their choice. Then they have to compete with other... I'm so mad that this problem is going to be positive.

We call them, they're wearing nothing. This audience hates women enough that they're going to vote up. We call them, they're wearing nothing. That this audience hates women enough that they're going to vote up the compulsory wearing of the hijab. No, you just must wear the hijab. Refusing to wear the hijab, not compulsory, but wear the hijab for it.

Sometimes it's funny to make fun of women. I get it. This is like one of those times you're going to draw a line in the sand. It's a little much. Imagine if men would dress as scantily clad and try to taunt the morals and put everything out there

and then you would feel compelled to do the same. Imagine if everyone would just say, look, wear the hijab, okay? You don't need to get in some kind of orange race. Why don't men gotta wear anything? Because Allah fucking deems that it's so. Why all of a sudden are you fucking

going to Allah as the ultimate benefactor? This show has never been, well, it's the biggest problem in Islam. It's the biggest problem as Allah wills it. Okay? It's supposed to be based on objectifiable fucking fact. I don't know when this became a caliphate. Okay? But this is ridiculous. It's not gonna be based on objectifiable fucking fact. I don't know when this became a caliphate, okay?

But this is ridiculous. It's not going to be a caliphate for long. If you don't wear the fucking hijab. Okay. Just put it on. We'll let you read stuff and learn to read and do democracy. But you've got to wear the hijab. You've got to wear the hijab.

What is so wrong about the hijab? I have to do tons of stuff I don't want to do. I have to pay. Everyone's acting like this is the worst fucking thing ever. Are you comparing it to taxes? I have to pay taxes. If I could have no problems and wear the hijab, I would take it in a second.

Okay. I would say, Allah be praised, if I could just wear the hijab and have no problems in my fucking life, have no interest, have no interest on loans, are you fucking kidding me?

If somebody came to me and says, oh, would you like to have... No, Islamic law, you can't charge interest on loans are you fucking kidding me if somebody came to me and says oh would you like to have no Islamic law you can't charge interest you can't fucking charge interest another religion has interest charging

yeah that's fine go nuts Islamic law has no interest that's why they have terrible economies you borrow $100,000 from me you just pay me back $108,000

no matter what no matter when maybe in between I don't think that's an argument in favor of taking rights away from women. I don't think they're connected. What's rights about? They have to, I mean, that's more rights.

Actually, no rights is, let's see those tits. That's America. Let's see that ass. Let's see those titties that you got. Shave your pussy. How come your girlfriend doesn't wear the hijab? Oh, God willing, Allah. She is lost.

Well, hopefully you can fix this household and bring grace to the glory of Allah. I'm working on it. Well, good luck. I'm working on it. God bless your heart. My attention span. I hope you have a perfect... What do you think you have to...

I wish each of your children a camel or whatever the fuck. God, you know, whatever. Seven camels. Seven camels Seven camels For every child Sure We have way You and I As white-ish men

Right Have way less rights Than women wear the hijab Okay Okay I'm talking about I don't think that's true Taxes and stuff

Yeah Making decisions. Seeing Lord of the Rings sucks. Okay. Having chargers that are not right. That's right. I have so much going on in my life. I wish I was a woman in religious servitude in a Muslim dominated country.

How much of her taxes went to Ukraine? Okay. Zero. Fucking zero. You don't know that, maybe. They might have went. Yeah, but she zero. You don't know that, maybe. Where the fuck? They might have went, yeah, but she's paying for, you know, all the Islam stuff. I'm sure they're garnishing her wage as well.

Allah, God willing. This is a new show. This is a new show for you, okay? Apparently, this is not fair. You can't just suddenly develop a religious background and go, well, by Allah, Allah wills it. It's a ridiculous way to argue. Some people think that women are forced to wear the hijab. Some people.

Okay. I'm one of those people. Others are confused about the hijab's meaning and have called for it to be banned. Oh, the meaning. What is the meaning of the hijab? As more people, you have to learn about the hijab and Islam and acceptance and understanding. Yeah. It's so sacred that we have to beat the shit out of you if you don't wear it.

You know who wore the hijab? Malala Yousafzai, who is a very wonderful champion of learning about book learning and being a woman. Sure. And she was killed. Killed. Did she die? I don't know. She was shot in the head, I think. Wait, the one isn't the one like of acid thrown on her

No, no, she's a beautiful little girl Let's see there you go hijab BAM right in your face she's wearing a job You said she was dead. That's different. I made a mistake. You're absolutely wrong! She won a Nobel Peace Prize! It's way different from being dead. Wearing the hijab. Wearing the hijab, sure. If the hijab is good enough for Malalia Yousafzai... Don't do that.

Don't pretend you care about her at all. I see right through you, you motherfucker. What? She wore the Nobel Peace Prize? Why would you disrespect Malala Yousafzai? You don't even fucking know anything about this kid. It's good enough for her, I'm saying. It's good enough for her. Okay, fine.

How do you want women to wear nothing and just run around with their fucking vaginas swinging around all over them? I think they should be able to make their own decisions as part of a free nation, not ruled by an oppressive religious governing body. It is an anti-democratic And anti-freedom And I know you know this And I know this Temporary conversion to the glory of Islam Not temporary

Okay When I come back here you better be on a fucking square A carpet facing west at sunset Or whatever the fuck East You gotta face the sun Every time right Or no No

Fucking You gotta face Mecca Mecca Well where's Mecca East Fucking east Wasn't it also west I would

It's next to a certain country That I cannot name Alright Of course Cause you do not recognize it I don't recognize it You don't know your people Yeah

Well aren't there numerous ways To face Mecca Why is it west always? Well you would think that It's a globe You're theoretically going to hit Mecca at some point It has to be the closest way Does it?

I don't know Oh okay you know what's in the cube? Yeah a computer What's the computer doing? Fucking calculating Yeah Alright the cube yeah computer what's what's the computer doing fucking calculating yeah all right you heard it here what do you think it is islamic history with calculating answers the high high priestess masterson look don't say priestess yeah what do they call what do they call what are you if you're a uh islamatollah. Ayatollah master.

No, no. A sheik? Sheik? Sheik? That doesn't seem right. I think a sheik's just like a guy with money. The iron sheik. The iron sheik.

Now that's a... Honestly, if anybody's going to convert me... Is that a Mahmud? Mahmud? Yes, that sounds about right. I'm just thinking about the Autobots computer. Yeah. That was under the Decepticon city.

Yeah, is that what helped create Jerusalem? Uh-huh. Did the Decepticons help with that? Are we done? Are you done? Look, what's so big a deal about wear the hijab? Okay. I just oppose.

I think people should have freedom. Not Alex Jones. I think Alex Jones should have freedom, and he has freedom. Okay. And he doesn't have to wear a hijab either. Okay. Well, it's funny. Your problem actually kind of plays into mine, Dick. Because I have another problem regarding enforced clothing options.

Okay. And I think it's wrong, and I'm all about freedom. You should wear what you want. My problem is sports uniforms. Okay. Dick, modern sports, let's be real. Getting a little bored. Same old baseball game, same old football game, throwing football game throwing catching hitting pitching i need

something to liven up the sport yeah and what i'm talking about what i think has always been a big problem in the sporting arena is the uniforms okay it could be so much more exciting Okay And draw from all of the exciting World of fiction And fantasy And all these things surrounding us Yeah It would make it so much more exciting I mean we have teams with names like

The Vikings Imagine they came out as true Viking warriors And their pads Playing football Yeah Yeah And they had braided beards And fucking horns on their helmets and shit came out as true Viking warriors and their pads playing football. Yeah. Yeah. And they had braided beards and fucking horns on their helmets and shit. How much more exciting would that be?

I mean, how much more, what's a, what's a team? What's your favorite team? Uh, the Raiders, the Raiders.

Perfect. A bunch of pirate guys coming out, eye patches and fucking like golden teeth. And you're like, Oh fuck. We're playing the raiders those guys are nuts they have fucking cutlasses and shit okay that would be so exciting and yet at every turn these sports leagues go out of their way to remove even the slightest amount

of personalization and excitement from the sports uniform they do they. They do. Okay. Go ahead. I have a list of NBA bands on certain types of apparel in the 1980s. Do you know that players were going around wearing big gold chains? You know how exciting that was to see that was actually that's fucking baller. Yeah. I remember it says, Nope, can't have that. And 2000, Sam Perkins wore a do-rag in one game. They banned him forever. Why? We could have a bunch of guys do-rags. They banned him forever or do-rags forever?

No, do-rags. Do-rags. Imagine if you had a bunch of street-looking guys being cool, doing stuff. In 2010, they banned upside-down headbands. In 2011, they banned tinted eyewear. Wait, upside-down headbands? Yeah, you know, the NBA logo was on it upside-down headbands. In 2011, they banned tinted eyewear. Wait, upside-down headbands? Yeah, you know, the NBA logo was on it upside-down.

Like the American flag is upside-down? Yeah, you can't even fuck around with the headband. It's bullshit. 2011. Wait a minute. Okay, go ahead. 2011, tinted eyewear. You know how some guys wear, like, face masks or whatever? He was like, oh, what if it was, like, orange-tinted?

That would look cool. Nope, banned that shit. One of the worst ones is, did you ever see LeBron James' carbon fiber face mask when he was trying to protect his face? Oh, that was so lame. No, man. That was fucking cool. He looked like a Batman villain. I hate those guys. Yeah,

okay. Well, anyway, they told him he wasn't allowed to have that anymore. In 2019, they've banned ninja headbands. People were like putting on headbands Hiding behind themselves Looking like Naruto and shit We don't get anything Yeah Famously Michael Jordan

Couldn't wear his Own sneakers Because he wasn't Allowed to wear Black sneakers On the court It had to be white sneakers Huh

And they just They constantly Just strip all the Individualism out of sports When I'm gonna argue It should go the opposite way. We should have, like, guys in fucking Iron Man suits. Was Kobe allowed to wear a seatbelt when his helicopter crashed?

No, and that's part of the problem. Is that, unfortunately, the NBA banned seatbelts for him and all those kids. Oh, so many kids died in that fucking crash. They did? Yeah. Did you hear that story? No. That's the, I mean, I was going to say the funniest part,

but maybe that's not the best word to use. The worst part. The worst part is that it was Kobe, his daughter. His daughter died too? Yeah, and he went to his daughter and he said, hey, tell all your friends we're going to take a helicopter ride. So it was a bunch of kids from her school, and they all got on the helicopter and they all died.

And for some reason, nobody talks about any of the kids who are dead because they only care about Kobe. Is Alex Jones talking about them? There's like five dead kids on that helicopter. Oh my god. Were any of them wearing the hijab? Probably not. Allah only knows. See, I always

have this headcanon where there was one girl at the school who was unpopular. And I imagine all the popular girls going up to her and they're going, we're going on Kobe Bryant's helicopter and you're not allowed to come because you're a dork. And then all those kids fucking died. That one kid went, good. She did it. Well, she reveled in it. Yeah.

She slipped a pile of roof for Mickey. I guess the universe does make sense sometimes. Wow. Yeah. Anyway, we're a little off track. The only, I mean, even like stupid stuff from the NFL, Cam Newton was fined $10,000 because the clips holding his face mask in were from Under Armour instead of Nike.

And they're only allowed to wear Nike stuff You know oh, that's bull. It's a clip for your fucking thing Chad Johnson also Chad Ocho Cinco had to change his name So you get the words Ocho Cinco on the back of his jersey without getting major fines He was also fined twenty thousand dollars for wearing gold cleats But these guys have a little bit of fun I fucking love Ocho Cinco Yeah and you know what's fun about him

Is he tried to spice up the uniform With a little bit of razzle dazzle But instead we live in America Where everybody's gotta fit into a perfect little box And everything No it should be out of control There should be fucking laser piping And people should have like smoke shooting out of their shoulders And you know there should be sticky bombs away like everything should be

fucking nuts it should be like a battleground out there well it would be so much more exciting you know who tried it's because first of all it's because the nfl uh yeah and has a monopoly on the broadcasting rights for primetime and do you know who started a league to challenge that monopoly? It was called the U.S. Football League. I have no problem with that. I have no problem with that. And he won. And he won a dollar.

And he won a dollar. A dollar. Donald J. Trump. He tried to bring in the XFL He tried to bring the razzle-daggle Well it was called the XFL No no no The USFL was way before the XFL

Oh you're right Yeah In like the 80s In the XFL he tried to revitalize it later Yeah He still talked Or he was still talking about doing it Obviously he's not doing it now

But And these old white Bidens Who are all racist Yeah Stop them I look at the popularity of pro wrestling And these old white Bidens who are all racist, stop them. I look at the popularity of pro wrestling and what do we love about pro wrestling? We love the showmanship. We love the individuality. We love the character.

These players should be characters. They should be encouraged to develop gimmicks. Yeah. You know, there should be an iron sheik on the football field where you go, man, I love rooting for the Bills, except for that one guy who always comes out and goes, Allah's going to kill your fucking family, and scores a touchdown. You love to hate him. Yeah, I hate.

I just think there could be more showmanship, and I think starting with the uniforms, let's just allow people to get, if anything, a little bit of individuality. Who's the guy who always wore a face mask? Isaiah Thomas? I don't know. He was, like, really tall, and every time he would, like, try to grab the ball, people were just jamming their fucking hands in his face. He's like, okay, I'm tired of getting my eyes poked out.

I'm wearing a face mask for the rest of my career. But then that's what he was known for, and it was, like, a cool, like, trademark. And I want more of that. You know, in the hockey, you're allowed to spray paint your goalie mask That's cool They should have that for everything Yeah they let hockey players get away with more A lot

For a number of reasons That's why hockey's the coolest sport They're fucking nuts They're like listen we gotta let these guys beat the shit out of each other Why? Cause they're fucking animals Like what else are they gonna do? I really hate how athletes have to pretend Like they're investment bankers

Yeah Like all the time They're going to wear suits and do the press conference Like oh what did you think of that game Well you know I thought Just chop his balls off Just ask that like so do your balls Do they look like this when you

How great was it When uh god what's uh not scotty pippen uh dennis rodman with the hair yeah he was out there it was north korea yeah and he's talking about carmen electro jacking him off or something that's why he's the greatest basketball player ever lived because he you know instead of the well you know we're really going to show it our all he's like i'm I'm fucking crazy. Let's play basketball. And you're like, oh, this is great. I love this fucking guy.

We met at World Peace, beat up like half of, which city was he in? Detroit or Philadelphia or something? Yeah, I don't remember. Ron Artest jumped into the. It's beautiful. Sports needs more razzle dazzle. It needs more showmanship. It makes me hate.

It makes me really hate Like sports watchers Who fund this shit And you think like Why do you I feel the same way about like Star Wars people Like why do you support this shit It's just made

To be less fun Why do you want these guys To be so bland Why are you so addicted to this Yeah Why do you want them To all look exactly the same And uh Alright guys Let's get out there Let's do No you want them to all look exactly the same and, uh, alright

guys, let's get out there, let's do it. I want them, like, fucking snarling and spitting and bleeding. What if we called them the Cleveland Caucasians? What then? Call them the fat bitches. How about that? Call them the Philadelphia fuck fat bitches. I'm in.

Everyone would be in, you know it, because they're addicted to sports. That's what drives me. It's the sports that people are addicted to. And then they craft this persona and this etiquette around that, but the addiction is still there. It's like, well, you know,

you like cocaine, huh? We're the National Cocaine League, so if you buy any, you have to shove this big dildo up your ass. I'm like, well, I'm obviously going to do it because I'm addicted to the cocaine, but that shouldn't be part of the experience. Acting like an uptight wasp asshole should not be a requirement to liking sports, and supporting it shouldn't be either. I fucking hate it. Sports are boring.

It's time to liven them up. Just let everybody go wild. Let them wear crazy sneakers. Let them wear a headband. Or a hijab. Let them bring a fucking knife on the court. It'd be funny. It'd be cool.

All right, Dick. Bring us home. My last problem is getting a Band-Aid wet. Having a Band-Aid. Having a Band-Aid on your finger, washing your hands, Band-Aid wet, doing the dishes, getting the Band-Aid wet. Terrible. Then you got the wet Band-Aid. Flopping off, folding in on itself. Getting goo all over your cut.

Oh, those little black goo remnants. I just put this band-aid on. I don't have like an infinite supply of band-aids. Oh, yeah. When you're running low. Oh, you're like me and you got the Pokemon band-aids. Oh, that was a squirtle.

I don't want to replace it with a Charmander. You got Pokemon band-aids? Oh, I got Pokemon Band-Aids. I'm saving up all the Pikachus. Okay. What are our problems? We've gone for a long time. I know.

Our problems are... Short attention spans. Short attention spans, which is not a problem. Yes, it is. Refusal to wear the hijab. Which is not a problem. Tell that to Fucking What's her name

Malulu Malulu The other one that's dead Linda Smith Fucking Rosa You don't even know Yeah Rosa Parks Uh

Minor Sports uniforms Uh Getting the bandaid wet Getting the bandaid wet Okay Fuck this show We got some voicemails

Yeah Yeah Thanks everybody for coming by again We recorded two episodes today And one of them is an exciting bonus episode The Biggest Problem Super-Sized Edition All your fast food problems Coming to you at patreon.com Slash biggest problem

Sign up, get the bonus episode And let's do some voicemails Alright I just want to say that veto's problem is by far the the biggest problem in the universe so far in in all of this in both shows all right the one with um the old one yeah all right there were some good problems there but this is this is the biggest problem so far in the new show and the old one, alright? Theater kids are fucking horrible. I can't believe that.

Yeah, that's about it. I still hate you, Vito. I like that he wasn't too eloquent about it. He's just like, yeah, it is the biggest problem. I don't know why, and fuck you. Thank you, caller. As long as he agrees with me, I'll take the W. Let's see here. Suicide is not the tenth and third highest cost of death in reality.

It's labeled such because when you can label a death as a suicide, it means that life insurance will not pay out for it. Oh. Insurance companies are the biggest problem in the universe. So he's saying that insurance companies are falsely labeling debts as suicide

so they don't have to pay out. What a world. Does that sound? I don't know. I don't know about that. That would be a lot of faked suicides. Man, that would be really tough. Don't put it past them.

I guess. I don't know. Here's one about black peopleides. Man, that would be really tough. Don't put it past them. I guess. I don't know. Here's one about black people swimming. Oh, that'll be good. So I was listening to the latest episode and yeah,

I wanted to debunk a seemingly racist thing about black people having differences in density etc. So I looked it up and I found

a study from the National Library of Medicine at pubmed.ncbi It's basically an article from their stuff, right? And it's telling me here that there were pretty much similarities in arm span, trunk flexibility, and full inspiration and exhalation of black and white subjects.

However, there were differences in body fat distribution and buoyancies, with whites storing more fat and having more buoyancy than blacks. God damn it. You're fucking right. Damn it. It's not about bone density. It's not about bone density, though. It's about fat distribution. It is about that, too. That's why you're wrong. It's not about bone density It's about fat distribution It is about that too It is about that too

I have to go to the bathroom Fuck you trying to fucking stump me Do you want me to play a couple of these I'll just trim it out Can't I trim it out I'll just play some it's funny Give me the mouse Hand the mouse to me

It's fucking wireless I want all this Let's see Breakfast God damn it Vito Relistening the problems again From the last episode A few episodes ago

You're voted up in The price of breakfast Are you fucking kidding me Who the price of a breakfast. Are you fucking kidding me? Who the shit gives a fuck about breakfast? Who even eats breakfast, man? I don't need breakfast. What kind of complaint is that? How about the price of housing or the price of medical insurance?

The price of OnlyFans accounts? Like $20, $30 to see your fucking tits are you kidding me the price of beer or the price of uh jazz uh voted up uh what the fuck are you talking about price of breakfast god damn it although i will say veto uh your voted up singers. They got me wondering either you use auto tune or you had like some serious choir, like singing backgrounds. You hit notes. I would never even imagine hitting.

Thank you. I don't know how you do it. Wow. Voted up, I guess. Voted up. That guy says my problem about overpriced breakfast is bullshit, and then he released a bunch of other things that are overpriced.

That would have been better problems. Fuck you, idiot. And then he said he wonders if I'm using autotune, which is quite the compliment. Thank you, sir. There you go, Dick. You can have the mouse back. No autotune, guys.

I didn't really do choir or anything. I like singing in the shower. I like making noise with my mouth. I love just driving around. Me and my buddies, we used to drive around going How many of you? Like ten of us. Wow. Just screaming, making crazy

sounds. Just like two or three of us. Oh, okay. And you just do that with your mouth Your mouth can make such incredible sounds That's why I have such a voice for radio This is incredible Alright, here you go Such a radio voice I said I was gonna do that

And then you guys yelled at me Oh, here's me riding my bike in LA No one will watch it But you'll at least be in your brain Saying, oh, I'm making content live streams from your bike. Oh, here's me riding my bike in LA. No one will watch it, but you'll at least be in your brain saying, oh, I'm making content. And maybe you'll become like one of those fat people that becomes like a fitness influencer.

And then someone will pay for your skin removal fixer. I don't even want to think about that. Whatever they call that shit that turns fat fucks into normal looking humans after they lose 200 pounds. How did I just develop an eating disorder?

Get on the bike, you piece of shit. To do that. Under the bus? Would you have to get a skin removal thing if you lost weight? Yeah. At this point? Oh, yeah. If I lost a ton of weight?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm like 300 pounds. Are you taking the bike or what? Today. I will take the bike. Okay. Does it have a lock? Do you need me to give you a lock to take it? I have locks.

I don't need the lock. Are you sure? I think I have a bike lock. I do not want you coming back. If it doesn't have a lock, I'm just going to leave it. You know what? I mean, if it doesn't have a lock, really, what can I do with it? So I'll just leave it.

Not a big deal. I don't want you coming back saying that the bike got stolen. I think I have a bike. If you have an extra bike lock, I'll take it. Well, I have a bike lock. You can keep your own bike lock. I can get a bike lock. Okay.

It would be funny if I started coming up with very petty excuses. That was the whole episode. What color is the bike? Blue and silver. Oh. What color do you want? Pink? Not blue. Pink and whatever the pedophile flag is. Pink and blue, of course.

And yellow, I think. Okay, here we go. Oh, Vito. This is a three-minute voicemail, so it better be good. The personalities that we have include pussies like you. Look, listen. When they're talking about election fraud. All right, listen up.

Oh, my God. They'll be like, oh, what about in West Virginia where they had those people that put the things over the windows? Yeah. Right? Is he on my side or not on my side? There's some sketchy stuff happening. You, goddammit, you don't know if what they're talking about is true or not. The point is putting it out there, and then you go, oh, well, yeah, I mean, I guess if that's what happens, that sounds sketchy.

What you have to say is, fuck you, go fuck yourself. Oh, which side is he on? All right, there's election fraud every year, but, you know, oh, yes, I bet if they put those things over those windows there, yes, that sounds pretty sketchy. They probably should go through some sort of judicial process to find out whether or not that's true and whether that affected the election. Oh, they did? Oh, they went through the process? Yeah, they did

go through it, yeah. Okay. So I think he is on my side. The thing that they're talking about is true. Oh my god, the election was two years ago. Just cut this. Fuck this. I don't care. We're not doing election fraud again. Alright, Super Chats time. Jesus Christ. Let's go get the super chats in. Ladies and gentlemen, get your super chats in. Thanks for

being a fan of the show. Koo for two. Thanks for not killing yourself via Big Mac. I'm getting there. Feliciously for five. Car battery died going to Greenland later, but for now, here's $5 while I drink away my sorrows. Get it done. G money for five. Why does vetoes IMDB list

America's court with judge Ross under the name Colin punts, Ponset, TBF, TBF, TBF, because America's court with judge Ross is a fake court show with not real people. So I was hired to play the part of a plaintiff. Oh, Colin points, Colin Ponset. I have never seen the episode, and if anyone can find it, I will give you $50. Oh, wow. Okay.

It's in America's Court with Judge Ross, and I had the episode title. It's called PTA Mommy Drama Lands Me in Jail. Good luck. Okay.

Petty for $20. Big dollars. And now I can't read it cause Dick extended the thing. It's cause there's not enough super chats. It made me not enough. It's screwing it up. Petty for 20. Have you done your pushups today?

Vito? I usually get core and cardio on Fridays, but chicken out and hit back and tries a day early because I, he's going to fuck me up. What is this trick? Because I find all the movements to be heavily aggravating to my scars now. Oh, I saw that coming a mile away. I don't know about a mile. Dick, he donated 20 bucks.

Okay. To be fair. To be fair. I suck, Cox. I suck, Cox. Thank you, Patty. Thank you. Your super chance to make the world go round.

Mike, hunt for five. The fake bust teacher only bothers me because I can't have correctly sized boobs in my video games I'm surprised we didn't talk about her Because that has been on my mind like crazy I think she's scamming them I think there's too much

There's so many options I think it's a guy who's doing a joke It's possible that it's a guy Trying to get fired so he can win a free Lawsuit There's just no way Trying to highlight how absurd What he's allowed to get fired so he can win a free lawsuit. Yeah, yeah. There's just no way. It could be trying to highlight how absurd what he's allowed to get away with is. Or it could just be a guy who's getting off on wearing giant tits in front of his class.

I don't know. That's the least likely explanation for me. There's a lot of crazy people. But I do like that all of conservative Twitter is obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it. I don't know how you can't not be obsessed with it. It's a lot of crazy people. But I do like that all of conservative Twitter is obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it. I don't know how you can't not be obsessed with it. It's crazy. They shouldn't be. I don't know who should be. I don't know anything. Bazooka for

20 says Shawnees. Wow, thanks. Someone keeps trying to give me a Shawnee and I keep not getting back to them. I need a Shawnee. Wet Bandit for 10. Well, give me a Shawnee. I gotta set up a wallet though. Yeah. Wet Bandit for 10. Well, give me a Shawnee. I got to set up a wallet, though. Yeah. Wet banded for 10.

Vito, I'd recommend not using scooters. Although they seem to help, the load that the seat puts on your lower back are known to be fairly... I knew it! I fucking knew he was going to get me! Ah! Fuck! All right, you got me. I couldn't stop myself in time.

I couldn't stop myself in time. Mic on for five. attention span isn't the problem It's the loss of quality entertainment YouTube solved that problem But you can't be funny On YouTube anymore I'm so worried now DC Connelly for five

Patreon goal That is true you can't be funny Like entertainment has been so sanitized It's not possible It's a very complicated topic I also think part of the problem is that guys who aren't funny are trying to be funny and they're ruining it like that guy Again who are talking about that geeks and gamers guy. Oh, yeah, who's like trying to be like, oh, I'm funny Ha ha ha. Why are there fucking Mexicans in Star Wars and you're like, bro, that's not funny That's just like race they benefit from it too. Like Like the geeks and gamers guys benefit from a sanitized world.

Yeah. Where they're constantly complaining about how things are woke, but they themselves are not funny. Yeah, that's what drives me most nuts about it. If you guys were subversive and funny, I wouldn't be mad. But you just say racist shit and it isn't interesting or funny, but because it's just shocking in the sanitized world, it's popular. I don't be mad but like you just say racist shit, and it isn't interesting or funny But because it's just shocking in the sanitized world. It's popular. I don't know but then you react to them And it's not funny

But you know why they're famous cuz there's cuz like Sam Hyde's gone Yeah, if Sam Hyde and Alex Jones were still on all of of those people would be gone. I will say this for Alex Jones. His recent court hijinks were pretty funny. Thank you. That's all I needed. Oh, you liberals are going to cry about Iraq? He's like, oh, like Iraq, all those people who killed in Iraq? What is this, a struggle session?

I was like, he's got a point. We're not going to apologize to you. How many times does he have to say he's sorry? He already said it. We know he said it. DC Connolly 5. Patreon goal for Johnny the Audio Engineer. Dick, we've asked him, but he's busy.

Yeah, everyone's very busy. People are working in LA. People are trying to make a living. And not dead for $9.99. The results are in, amigo. What's left to ponder? I don't know what that was in reference to. Me either.

Pop quiz for a big $19.99. This is destroy all art. Yes. Come on. Absolutely. Come on with this. Jim Satala for $1.99. Vito wears his hijab every day.

He is legal a woman. I should be wearing a hijab. You should be. Out of protest. Allah will permit it. Petty for... No, no. If Allah permits it. Stop. Inshallah. Stop this. Insh be. Out of protest. Allah will permit it. Petty for... No, no. If Allah permits it, inshallah. Stop this.

Inshallah. Balika halah. You're the worst Mexican Islamist. Petty for five. By Allah behave yourself. I will give you a taste of my shoe. Shaluka ala halah. And ala shaka to you, my brother. Mike Hunt for two. Forced to wear

a mask. Forced to wear a hijab. Same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. Therefore, you should be against the hijab. No, because they didn't support me in not being against the mask. So it's revenge. Fuck them.

It's revenge. By Allah, they will be avenged. I will be avenged. I will ride my Barack into the sun. Rydog for five. Vote up the no fun league. That's what they call the NFL for all the things that you're saying. It's true.

It's true. Mike Hunt for two. What about the Redskins, Vito? Bring them back. Let them womp them around the whole fucking thing. Coffee spliff. What? I can't say womp them.

Coffee spliff for two. Dick, explain how you became a Raiders fan. Mexican, you idiot. How do you not know that? Coffee split for two. Dick, explain how you became a Raiders fan. Mexican, you idiot. How do you not know that? Mike, hunt for two. I started using super glue instead of Band-Aids. I actually hear that's a good idea. Maybe I should try that.

Ellie Anderson for $1.99. Says if you don't hire the kiddies, they're driving me nuts. Whoa, lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They will not stop peeing on things. Don't click on whoever. Gotta add her on things. Don't click on whoever. Gotta add her on Instagram. Doesn't channel has no content, so don't even worry about it.

Bitch was joined in 2013 and has put no content up. Stop harassing our female viewers. What's harassing? You don't look at bus size and shit. Cabernet for two. You should veto eating breakfast, pig. Thanks, man. That was really nice of you.

Yeah. And Colonel J. Dick, please coerce veto at gunpoint to use your new Fediverse node and argue with the people there. It's free content. Thank you. Please switch to Pluroma.

Should I join the Fediverse and everyone just on there going to call me a pedophile or whatever the fuck? I'm just going to have to argue with those same people over and over? Yeah, they're so bad. It's nonsense. Man, Kiwi Farms got destroyed

by that random trans girl that a bunch of retards elevated to the status of a god by their blundering and... Stumbling around. Stumbling around. How can we make her more more popular in an era of endless victimhood where victimhood is the highest good in which we afford people who are victims

thousands upon thousands of dollars let's victimize this woman and give her untold access to media coverage or whatever you fucking idiots you what do you destiny's the only one with a brain you to do that if I was a beautiful trans Not beautiful But if I was a passable trans woman She looks great She looks fine And that's all she needs to do If she has enough female looks

To get victimhood female bucks You know why she won? Because she looks like Because the people who she's fighting Internally Think she's a woman I think so And they're acting They're treating her like a woman.

So she already wins in that way. All of them. I believe that in their brains they think of her as a woman and they've been treating her like a fuck because women can't plan for shit. Yeah, but she's got a man brain. I didn't say that. I'm just saying

that's what happens. I'm saying that if she had a brain, she may be strateg't say that I'm just saying that's what happened I'm saying that if she had a brain she may be strategizing the way the man would and taking full advantage of you idiots and her moment of media fame uh scroll down a little bit we got a couple different buddies here yeah Fox later for 4.99 don't lose weight you'll end up looking like Kevin Smith or Penn Jillette it's not worth a few extra years of life you You might have a point. Me. I mean, you can move around a little better. Kevin Smith looks like an idiot. He used to look

fun. Me 04120 for five. Quit hating on the election callers. We just want our votes to... Oh, that was close. That was close. That was close. TBF counted to be able to trust the results

Very close Very good Christina Herberger For five I'm hanging out with my bearded dragon Watching your show And she's very alert You must be interesting

Let's see what you look What's going on Christina Herberger Oh she's got a bunch of videos Alright Maybe we'll check back later. Jim Satala for $1.99. Vito's hair is covered every day with his hat hijab.

That's true. What if the women had to wear a hat? I wore my own form of hijab. What if they just had to wear a hat? They had to wear fun graphic hats? Yeah. Sure. Fine.

Okay. That's a nice compromise. No big deal then. Got no problem with that. Put the hat. Make it a little bigger. Oh, my God. You don't want to join the Fediverse? We're a bunch. We're like. No big deal then Got no problem with that Put the hat Make it a little bigger Oh my god You don't want to join

The Fediverse Where a bunch Where like Everybody just argues about Who's a Fed Who's a Who's a communist Who's a federal agent

Yeah You glow in the dark You're glowing in the dark Everybody's glowing in the dark Everything that ever happened In the world Is a false flag Man it

Well the false flag thing Um They're retarded remember when january 6th happened and i had to listen to a bunch of guys go well that's actually antifa in disguise i'm like no it's not no that one guy was a fed though that one guy that said tomorrow we're going into the capital that guy was a federal agent 100 maybe i don't know that's what you guys wanted It's what what wanted He spoke your desires out loud

What, going into the Capitol? Tomorrow we're going to the Capitol and we're going to cut Mike Pence's head off And you're secretly going to be like I'm going to have some fun with that I would hate that Yeah, okay Alright Because I love democracy.

You fucking piece of shit. Hit refresh one more time. Last batch of super chats. Do you know who's a fed? Do you know who's a pedophile? You're a pedophile. You're a fed. You're a pedophile.

You're a fed. We don't think too much kindly to your kindly around here. Anderson asks for $1.99. Vito, do you have a girlfriend? Well, winky smiley face. Don't a girlfriend Well winky smiley face Don't forget that I have A hundred girlfriends They're a harm

And uh I'm gonna have a bachelorette Type situation where I slowly Weedle them down and see Which of them will vie for my affections. How slowly? I don't know. I'm pretty lazy, so. Maybe 50 years? It's gonna come down to

who makes me the best chocolate milkshake. Oh. And who doesn't nag me about getting on that bike. Are you gonna ride the bike today? No! I lost my bike lock! I don't wanna I'll ride the bike

What a show Dick show me our biggest supporters You're a fan You're a fan You're a fan You're working for the communists You're a Marxist subverter Oh Vosh is a pedophile

Vito's a pedophile Dick's a pedophile Flamenco's a pedophile Who's not a pedophile? Well, wait, you threw in, I don't want you to say that I'm not a pedophile because Flamenco and Vouch are not pedophiles. I'm just saying, look, even if Vouch is a pedophile, not everybody, I don't know who is.

Yeah, but I was not found in any kind of steam groups with guys with pictures of little kids on their fucking thing. I just think this is all weird fucking. Don't throw me in with Vouch Fine. Who's like weird and Is it quite, is it possible that none of the people I just named are a pedophile?

It's just not equally likely that I'm not a pedophile as Flamenco You can be number one on the not a pedophile list. I don't want to be on a list with those guys I'm going to make a list Not a pedophile. You're a pedophile Okay fine You can be number one On the not a pedophile list I don't want to be on a list With those guys I'm gonna make a list Not a pedophile Okay you know what

You're a pedophile Current ranking Is dick Now I'm anti-pedophile No no no I'm Throw me on the Oh Gary Glitter's a pedophile

You're ahead of Gary Glitter On the not a pedophile Percentage list How's that Good What a show Alright goodbye everyone Enjoy the Fediverse Or whatever the fuck God damn The Fed stuff a pedophile percentage list. How's that? Good. What a show. All right. Goodbye, everyone.

Enjoy the Fediverse or whatever the fuck. God damn. The Fed stuff is retarded. It's so stupid. Not everybody is a Fed. That Patriot Front group is clearly real.

I'm not getting into it. I'm not getting into it. But Baked Alaska is not a Fed. Obviously. I don't know who. I don't know. Probably not. Probably not. If he's a Fed, obviously. I don't know who. I don't know. Probably not. Probably not.

If he's a Fed, it's, like, very weird that a Fed's out there, like, you know, pepper spraying, macing people for fun. Yeah, being, like, intellectually disabled. It's possible he's an asset after the fact, but he's definitely not. Jesus Christ. Okay, you know what? Say whatever you want about Vito. I don't know. I don't know anything.

Well, then the answer is no. No, he's not a fed. I'm a fed. Okay, bye.