The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 66

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

You're great You never did nothing Nothing good ever happens for me That's how I know it won't happen for me It'll just be everyone Like that episode of The Simpsons When Bart goes to heaven And everyone has a soulmate

Everyone has their Twitter account Except for me I know I won't have it And you're paddling in a circle Me and Alex Jones Paddling in two circles Yeah but you'd enjoy that boat. Oh, the two of you.

You don't even get to share a boat. No, we wouldn't be able to catch each other either because we're too far away and we don't understand how it works. Everyone's getting their Twitter back. I don't know. It's going to be, you know, I still wish it was. Well, I'm not, Doug. What's that from?

Is that from Doug? No. What is it from? Doug Funny. Yeah, Doug Funny. And Roger Klotz. You mean that from? Is that from Doug? No. What is it from? Doug Funny. Yeah, Doug Funny. And Roger Klotz. You mean that show? God, that show is so bad.

No, that show is... You like Doug? Yeah, it was about relationships and stuff. Fucking loser. What? The guy who made Doug's a loser, too. What? What?

You ever look up the creator of Doug? No! Fucking weirdo. He made a cartoon about himself. Isn't that weird? About him being a teenager and trying to fuck this black girl. But he couldn't make her black for real

for some reason. What was Roger coded? He was green like an orc. Meanwhile, Skeeter was the black kid and they made him blue I don't know what that was about Because he goes Like that

Yeah Wow what a live show we had We did have quite a live show Dick Woo If you came Thank you It's funny that Yeah people were wondering

They're like did the live show even happen Because the people who were there Did a bad job of Posting snapshots And telling everybody What a wonderful time they had Well people were waiting For the show to be posted

On Patreon I think Which it now is Well some of it Well You know We've had this discussion Well Kinda

Okay so the live show If you were there The whole build up Was for Vito doing stand up Right That was the bit Right Right

We spent like two months Hyping it up And then when we post the show It's just the Drunken aftermath Of this The last Hour and a half

Right after the Vito stand up Which was itself The crescendo Of like all night of stand-up and guys throwing up yeah and stuff but that part's missing i mean i see what you're saying so i talked because dick was like are you gonna post the whole thing and i said well i have to ask the stand-ups which that's never i've never heard of anyone Say I have to ask stand-ups In the world of stand-up As I know

And have experienced Stand-up comics Are very sensitive About having their acts posted Because they're worried about This term They call it Burning material

The idea is Once the joke is out there In the ether Yeah They can't tell that joke 789 Anymore Why is 6 afraid of 7

Why is that 789 Burned Burned It's burned Burned unit Starring that guy And Bruce Campbell was in that

Yeah I was prepared to burn my material I was gonna put my stand up up Okay so But I had to talk to the other stand ups Right And then it started being this thing Where they're like

Well can you just put like this joke But not this joke Oh no really Yeah Oh what I was negotiating which jokes were good enough to be on there I knew me not doing it would come back to fuck it up I knew it

You not what just putting it out Because usually I have to do everything in the live show right I have to watch out I have to do everything and the live show, right? Yeah. Watch out. I have to do everything. Everything gets all fucked up, right? Yes. Because I can't do stuff, and I wait until the last minute, and things fall through, and I don't do it right, and I don't ask the right questions, and there's no sound system, and I lose USB drives to the recording. That was bad.

But the whole show gets up when I do it. Every time. I think every time. Yeah. Even if it's on a little tripod. Even if it's duct tape to a tripod. I mean, people got the show They didn't get

Yeah but the Vito stand up was the Technically pre-show Yeah okay It's like a pre-show Steven throwing up in the bushes They didn't get that Well you didn't get that on camera sadly Yeah but somebody could hear it

And boost the audio I bet You think You think Yeah Steven trying to smoke a cigar And then realizing that he doesn't know How to smoke a cigar And then realizing That he doesn't know How to smoke a cigar And throwing up everywhere

Oh he tried I probably would have Done the same thing Which is why I didn't Try to smoke a cigar Because I haven't Smoked a cigar in years No what fun you are

Not even trying to Smoke a cigar No because I would have Been like What jokes were you Asked to like cut out It was just like He's like you know

People would be like Well I think at the Beginning of my act I started off strong But then I kind of Lost the crowd And then I kind of lost the crowd. And then I was negotiating. I'm like, well, how about I just do it?

Why does everything have to be a problem? Why does, like, after the show, I was like, that show is fucking amazing. Print it. Ship it. Post it. Good. But apparently, problem. Stand-ups are very particular.

Yes. And then I was negotiating. And now I feel like an asshole because I've never asked any stand-up I've ever done. Yeah, so there's probably some stand-ups who are mad at you for burning their material. They're like, oh, I'm still working on that joke. They had a real job. And it's not right. Well, that's the other thing.

What about my material? I come in every week with podcasts. And you throw it all away. I just piss it away. But then sometimes, like three years later, I'll do the same joke. It's a whole new audience Probably a lot of them are dead They killed themselves

Or something I don't know what happened But Yes there is no stand up On the live show video I think Can we at least cut it like I might put up my stand up

For the fans No no no no We have to do a cut Where it's Cut all the stand ups out Yeah And then It's just me introducing them

Well that's the other thing Is we lost your hilarious introductions What do you mean? Well cause you were doing You were like riffing on stage as well Oh yeah But I cut that out Cause I just went straight to the show

Well let's just cut out the stand-ups then And then except for yours Unless you don't want to burn your material Well I don't know Can you do a bounce of the show like that? Burn all that material dick Everyone else doesn't want to burn your material Can you do a bounce of the show like that? I don't know if I would burn all that material, Dick Everyone else doesn't have to burn their material The Truman Show joke

Flashlight Whoever thought to do a flash What's the deal? What's the deal? Sam's Club joke landed hard It's a good opener Honestly, that's what annoys me the most Because you killed it

Yeah And all these people are always shitting on you For not being a Real comedian Real quote comedian Which apparently means just like Dedicating your life to like the horse buggy whip of comedy Which is like stand up

Yeah doing stand up at like bar and grills And be like I'm doing the real stuff on the road And you're like yeah but that sucks It's a waste of my time Alright Just check the chat real quick I want to make sure my audio is okay Everybody can hear me good Yeah stuff on the road and you're like yeah but that sucks it's a waste of my time all right just check the chat real quick i want to make sure my audio is okay everybody can hear me good yeah all right twenty dollars to go through you know my head is gigantic people are saying give us the stand-up i don't know this is the snyder cut yeah i might have to release a secret s Snyder cut of the live show. Can you, if we get, can you release a cut where the stand-up guy's a cut?

I can't, they have to get, well, I can cut them. Just cut them out. All right. If there's an issue with burning material. Yes, which there is. I have to see what I have. So it's just me introducing nobody. I don't know if people.

What do you mean you have to see what you have? I have everything, don't I? I think, yeah, I think you recorded everything because the camera was set up by Steve. I know I have all the audio because I uploaded it and then was told no and then deleted it. Well, I'm hoping that the... I think the phone got everything, the camera that was recording or whatever. We'll talk about it. We'll figure out what people like.

Nobody cares. What do they want to hear? They want to hear your intros and my stand-up. Yes, because the Patreon people are in deservement of it they are in deservement of the build-up they're not revolting but they're in deservement of it we had fun we have to figure out how to pay steven which is a whole other thing and now there's big arguments about who gets paid what the the moral of the story is never do comedy let Let me do it. With a bunch of comedians. Let me do it.

You figure out all the money or whatever. I don't care what people think of me. Yeah. That's the bottom line. Everything gets done. Yeah. Dick, your show, it sucked. You did a bad job, and there's this, I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care. I got done. All right. Are you ready to do the actual? Yeah, let's do a real show here. Everyone did great, though. Especially Josh Denny killed it.

Josh killed it. I killed it did great though Especially Josh Josh killed it I killed it You killed it Well I did alright And then The worst part is I'm already so drunk When the show starts

It's like well I mean come on guys I was I didn't start that drunk Yeah a good hour before You kept going Yeah And then once the show started

It was just everyone That was blotto Anyway go listen to the live show On the Patreon.com Patreon.com Oh it's on YouTube anyway? Yeah

Okay Did you not see that I put it on YouTube? What the fuck? Oh shit I forgot to I forgot to put this Yeah wait Was I supposed to make the live show

Like private for patrons Or something? Yeah I figured Doesn't have your stand up in it So what's the Who cares? I forgot that I guess It was like supposed to be to make the live show like private for patrons or something. Yeah, I figured. Doesn't have your stand-up in it, so what's the, who cares? I forgot that I guess it was like supposed to be

a bonus episode. Well, listen. It wasn't supposed to be a bonus. No one would be satisfied with that as a bonus episode. All right, well then we're going to do a bonus episode next week

because we've been lacking all this excitement over yay and stuff. And we had to do the live show. It took time to plan it and get it together and then we fucked it up anyway. Not for me. Well, I don't know. I didn't have to plan anything. I had to do the live show It took time to plan it and get it together And then we fucked it up anyway Well I didn't have to plan anything

I had to prepare and all sorts of things Alright here we go There it is You forgot to do your biggest thing Biggest Problem In The universe Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe.

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from monopolistic ticket fees to the never-ending cock tease of life, I guess. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito, who's a stand-up sensation, but there's no proof of it. No. It was good. It went good, I thought.

So why did you say, well, these guys won't post their stand-up, so I shouldn't either? At what point was that? I don't know. I thought it would be weird if it's like a night of stand-up comedy, and then you cut to one comic, and then you go to a different show. It's like, that doesn't really make sense What happened to all the other stand-up It doesn't make sense

If you introduce You go We got a bunch of great Stand-up comedians tonight And then it's just me Cut And then me again going Wow

What a set Here's our next guy I was like Well that's gonna be confusing So I guess I'll just No it'll be hilarious Now that we've prefaced it Yeah That was from Not to throw shade at those guys But No I guess I'll just No don't be hilarious Now that we've Prefaced it Yeah

That was from Not to throw shade At those guys but No I mean I It's a stand up thing man I've always experienced That with stand ups I just had never

Of all the things I thought could go wrong That was the last thing I thought like wait what Well as I explained to you That's why stand up comedy Is so fucked Is that all these stand ups

I'm like I guess if you're telling The same joke Why don't you Yeah like some of it But you gotta put like Like I've encountered Stand ups where I'm like i guess you're telling the same joke why don't you yeah like some of it but you got to put like like i've encountered stand-ups where i'm like or i i famously i was telling you we went to the comedy store because their youtube is terrible like their channel has no viewers even though joe rogan for years was going oh i did a set at the comedy store talking about the comedy story every night on one of the biggest youtube channels of all time and the

comedy store youtube page has like 10,000 subscribers. Yeah. So I went in there with my friend, and we're like, listen, why don't we like, you know, some of your top comics will like. Your friend? Take some of their, well, my dead friend. What do you want? Oh, no.

Yeah, why'd you put it in quotes? I mean, I don't know. Like, I went in with my friend. She goes to another school. No, she's dead But when she was alive We went into the comedy store And

We told them Well why don't we like Record some of your best stand ups We'll take like one of their good jokes And they're like Oh no no no We can't put any of their jokes On our YouTube page

Dedicated to a stand up comedy club And I'm like Well then what the fuck Is this universe we live in Yeah it's all about the moment You got to live in the moment And I'm like well then what the fuck is this universe we live in yeah it's all about the moment you got to live in the moment I'm like you have kids who like you could be even with people across the country who can't come into the comedy store they could be buying merchandise because they're like oh it's great and they yeah all these underground comics and whatever else

but the musicians don't do that like they record their shows don't they put them up and no one cares because they want the album version I can understand You want to keep Some of your stuff Some of your material You know like You want to keep it secret But you got to post

Like a little bit And some of these guys Are like way too precious About their shitty jokes None of the guys Not anyone in the show In particular But I'm just saying

That's why stand up Is like fucked Everyone I thought we were Going to come in hot And say what a great job Everyone did We did do a great job everyone did We did do a great job

All this is new to me Yeah well This etiquette Do you think Ryan Long and Danny Polschuk Like are annoyed at me For posting their sets in Tampa? I honestly think they They see

They They probably don't care Cause they think it's like a small audience seeing it What the fuck? But if you were like If you were like Oh I'm gonna put that on like the main If you would ask them

I bet they would've like like, I didn't. I didn't even think of asking. No, well, back when I did stand-up. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't also. I used to bring my camera to every stand-up performance I did just to record it for myself for later. Yeah. And I would have stand-ups come up to me afterwards. And I'd be like, if I see that footage anywhere, I'm going to fucking kill it.

And I'm like No dude I'm just recording my own set Don't worry about it Just so I can like See what was good That's why I was extra confused Because Stephen Torres The guy that came in here

And whose house We were at Yeah He set up the camera And made sure it was perfect And we were like Setting up the audio To make sure it was perfect

So I assumed It was like We're gonna post the whole thing Yeah like why else would we make sure this is so good He puts up clips but again he'll only post like one joke Out of your whole set is like the thing Does he add laugh track? Oh yeah of course

We should have done that We should have had a laugh track there Yeah can you delete it and add it? Just after the stuff I say Okay I think the show went Like no matter what I do Like even if I'm looking like People seem to I think the show went. Like, no matter what I do, like, even if I'm looking, like.

People seem to have enjoyed the show. I think it was a good test run for more future live shows. There's callbacks, though, in the live show that aren't going to make sense. Like, that guy wearing the rape shirt. Yeah, or calling back to the rape closet at one point. No one's going to get that callback. It's all fucked up, Vito. It's all fucked up, and it's driving the puzzle piece Part of my brain crazy Yes

Like I don't wanna I don't wanna pull an autism card I don't know what to do Alright Cause like I could convince them Like hey let us post You know whatever

But some of them You know some of their sets Were not perfect You know You say you don't know what to do But you're really nailing it right now Your diplomacy would make Henry Kissinger jealous. Anyway.

Everyone did a fantastic job. Who did that rhyme come to us from, Dick? I interrupted you. Isaac Cox. Oh, good work. Isaac Cox. Okay, let's do... Boogie's putting blood to spiders that are misunderstood was also one. That doesn't rhyme, though. Boogie's putting blood to spiders that are misunderstood was also one.

That doesn't rhyme, though. Boogie's. Oh, by the way, I have a new trombone. A Boogie trombone. Remember? Yeah. Regular guy says, I have cancer. Right?

Right, right. Boogie says, I have cancer. I chipped my tooth on this fire hydrant Says Boogie I lost all my money on FTX Regular girls don't date guys as fat as me I need to get rich again so I can pay for it He said that

He said girls don't date guys like me Yes, after he released a video Talking about how to get girls his size. Did he talk about hiring prostitutes? Hiring prostitutes. Boogie hiring prostitutes. Right. Whoever lowered the octave on this for you, fuck you. Losing all your money on FTX. attitudes. Losing all your money on FDX.

Losing all your money on Boogie's teeth coin. Crypto scam. God, you're such an asshole. Boogie's having a bad week. I think there's a new video on YouTube. I think it's called Why Boogie deserves to be poor or why Boogie deserves to lose all his money. I was watching that video and I was like,

well, it is kind of hubris. The stupidest thing that guy did. Did you see him put out a video like a year ago? Stupid. Okay. Well, whatever.

One of the stupidest things he ever did was made made a video That says I never need to work again Yeah why I never need to work again Why I'm rich Like bro I don't care if you're Riding high on crypto You don't make the I'm rich video

It's not a good idea Can you imagine Make Like why would you Make that video Yeah what benefit You get out of that Cause then also

Your audience goes Oh cool Then I don't have to Donate money to you Or help you out at all. Not even like Floyd Mayweather says that. He says, like, I'm rich. Like, suck on my nuts and stuff.

He doesn't say, like, I'm rich, I never have to box or work again. And then literally a year later, well, guys, I lost all my money in crypto. Not even a good one. God damn it. Okay. Cock teasing was number one. Cock teasing. That was a dick.

You're a winner. Good work. I am. Elon Musk not bringing people back. And in general, cock teasing. Yeah. I don't know. I can't remember.

Like, you know, women doing it. There's all sorts of cock teases out there. Yeah. Now Elon's bringing everybody's cock teases out there. Yeah. Now Elon's bringing everybody's account back, but probably not mine. Standard Communion's doing a whole set. You're thinking you're going to get to post it, and then you find out. Secret jokes. Yeah, you.

But you didn't post yours. Why? I said because it would be weird if I was the only one. Because it would make you look worse, right? Well, that's the other thing. Because it would make you look bad. Maybe. I don't know. I don't think it would make weird if I was the only one. Because it would make you look worse, right? Well, that's the other thing. Because it would make you look bad. Maybe. I don't know.

I don't think it would make me look bad. I think I had a great set. Not as good as you should look. I would look better in contrast to guys who are professional stand-ups. And then I kill it as much, if not more. Oh, you killed it. Despite not being a stand-up. You killed it. But you had like

70 direct fans there Yeah that's the other thing I did cheat I had cheat codes on Which is everybody In the audience Already loved me You were like that

When like a kid Has like leukemia Or something And they let him Be in the football game Yeah and everyone Cheers for him and everything Yeah

And that kid was Batman That little retarded kid Well I realize That's like The appeal of like When you become big at stand-up is that you get to do shows for people who've actually heard who you are. And it's like, you know, your fans as opposed to all the stand-up I've been doing, which is like, hey, I'm a guy you've never met.

You probably hate me just from looking at me. Let's see what happens. Okay. Ticketmaster. Should have been higher. Higher than cock teasing? Ooh, buddy. Ticketmaster. That's a little greedy, I think. All right. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. Pro spiders, propaganda. Should have been higher Higher than cock teasing? Ooh buddy That's a little greedy

I think Maybe you're right Pro spiders Propaganda I feel like I didn't Explain that one As well as I could I think you explained

It a lot I know it was Your throwaway Last problem Slow cancer I don't know Why that's That got in the negative

Do people want Boogie to have Fast acting cancer? That might be Fast acting tenacted You're really gonna abuse That fucking horn You're gonna have to limit you

On that one Um Benjamin Swearegen Hey Dick Where your problem With holiday decorations Really shined for me Was when you brought up

The shitty napkins That are constantly rotated out With stupid graphics That push the water around I didn't realize I was simmering with rage About them me was when you brought up the shitty napkins that are constantly rotated out with stupid graphics that push the water around. I didn't realize I was simmering with rage about them for years until you brought it to my attention. They're worse than the brown paper towels they give you in high school. Do you remember those? Yeah.

Oh, those brown paper towels. They don't do anything. You just use the whole roll. Yeah, pretty much. I use my clothes to dry it up and then use the towels to make new clothes, right? The water would just slide right off those things. Did you ever remember the throw-up sawdust that they had? I never saw that.

We didn't have a lot of throw-up incidents in my school. We did. I don't know why. Were kids just thrown up in your school all the time? I didn't see that. Man, you had a... How old are you? What year were you born?

87. So you're a 90s kid. I'm a 90s boy Back in I was born in 1980 Reagan 8 years of Reagan And physical fitness

Medallions For Arnold Schwarzenegger We would work to like Soldier with Kurt Russell Every day Yeah Running laps So you guys were

Throwing up all over the place American gladiators Would throw up in class We'll just be sitting there Somebody would go, bleh! The challenger, all the teachers brought in the TV cards for the challenger explosion.

Every kid, bleh! All over the place. Berlin Wall came down, bleh! Yeah, I don't remember all the throwing up for some reason. It was awesome. My Room Record says, fake facts that everyone knows. No, the Earl of Sandwich did not invent putting meat between two slices of bread and you can't see the great wall of china from space that's true um jimmy smith's the biggest not true that's what's interesting

about it oh yes uh jimmy smith's the biggest problem in the universe is podcasters who can't stop saying like is that do we say like a lot I hope he's not referring to us, but I understand the. I don't think we do. No, because I don't think that's in my, I mean, I obviously use it sometimes, but. Yeah. Usually when I'm referring to how somebody was speaking, you know, when I go, and he was like this. I had to train myself out of saying, I mean, too much. That's hard.

I've been trying to get ums out of my vocabulary But that's a common crutch Yeah When I edit my videos now If I have a big um I'm like you son of a bitch You dirty bastard You could have found the word You dirty bitch

You piece of shit John says Vito should have done the whole live show On a bike Next time Next time I have to watch myself to not get winded when i do stand-up because sometimes i go too hard it's actually the thing where like if you get too excited you like forget to breathe during

a performance because that's why you're getting winded because i think that's what it was one time like a mental problem one time i was doing stand up And I'm like Oh fuck You're not breathing bro You can't just yell You gotta go Is that all the comments You brought in Dick Cause I actually have a letter From a fan Oh

Okay This is interesting Okay Odd the way you said that Well It's an interesting letter And he actually sent me A little something

So he said Dear Dick and Vito Please don't read my name On the show I just wanted to say how much biggest problem has helped me been a pretty dark place the last few years i was forced to work minimum wage job because of covid and my bitch ex-girlfriend left me because she said i wasn't making enough time for her got so bad that i fell down the alt-right rabbit hole and was considering doing something pretty drastic what uh he doesn't he doesn't say but he says thankfully i found your show and learned to Not so bad that I fell down the alt-right rabbit hole and was considering doing something pretty drastic. What?

He doesn't say, but he says, thankfully, I found your show and learned to laugh again. I especially love the stingers. I hope this isn't too weird, but I wrote one of my own and thought you could play it on the show. Okay. Thanks again for all you've done to keep the audience laughing. Go fuck yourself. So a fan actually sent in a stinger for the show. Yeah.

And I have not listened to this, Dick. I'm excited. Oh, is this the one that you? Yeah, I think that, yeah, this one here that I. Okay. I'll play it. Here we go. I was just an angry incel living off minimum wage.

Saving for an AR-15. Something to unleash my rage I thought I'd punish the whole world I'd kill the blacks, the Jews, the gays That's when I went and stumbled on The biggest problem YouTube page Well, who'd have thought what made me smile Was a Mexican and a pedophile

But now I'm not a cuck And all I want is to vote it up Vote it up now, baby So you went back to vote it up Or they went back to vote it up Even though it didn't really rhyme exactly I think it rhymed pretty okay. Wow.

Well, I'm glad we turned someone off the- Is this going to turn into the longest possible way to introduce a stinger? I mean, I think it's pretty good that we convinced that guy not to kill a bunch of people with our hilarious show. Depends, I guess. He was going to shoot up. So the alt-right rabbit hole, that's like a real... That's what the letter said that our fan wrote.

Oh, that's interesting. I'll probably have some letters that fans write in next week. You think? Well, Dick, welcome to Voted Up, the segment where we revisit past problems and take a look at some new context. Dick, a problem I brought in was pedophile symbol conspiracies. Yeah. $25 million lawsuit against the producers of a controversial ad campaign that included a child pornography court ruling and BDSM teddy bears. Did you see these pictures of the Balenciaga?

I was so upset I went straight to church. I took all of my name brand clothes. Doesn't matter the name brand, and I burned them and I went to church. And my girlfriends, I burned those and went to church. Only handmade clothes Yeah I've known clothes Well I mean

Towels When you see that You really have to think What these You really have to Totally freak out If you see a teddy bear Maybe they're selling

Kids as cabinets again Or whatever the fuck They are selling Kids in cabinets What other reason Could there be For a cabinet To have the name Marsha

And be $15 million Yeah We are doing that again The name was a woman's name So you order it And then the Chinese Like the people processing the order Say like oh no this goes to our

Little children department Hold on this has to go to the little kids We get so many orders of children. From Amazon. Amazon rings them up and they go, hey, we got another order for a kid. That's what you guys handle, right? We don't have them in the warehouse. For 50K a pop, you know.

The worst part is, okay, I understand being upset at the photos that have like a kid and the teddy bear has like kind of bondage looking stuff on it. And then weirdly, yeah, there's like some weird stuff in the photos First of all I think a photographer was fucking around And it makes the brand look bad But ultimately I don't think any actual kids were hurt But then they started

It takes the attention away from Kanye That's true In fact a lot of people are saying no wonder they broke ties with Kanye Because they're secretly doing What? The devil's work That's what they say They say they're like Doing What What are they doing The devil's work That's what they say They say they're like Satan

And they start making These crazy Like they'll have like Some photo of someone Like a different ad campaign Like you see that book On her table That's from this artist

He drew this like One time He's a pedophile I'm like everybody's a pedophile In this scenario Either way The It's like the thing

Like Russ Carpenter's John Carp thing like Russ Carpenter's John Carpenter's John Carpenter's the pedophile yeah you gotta you're a pedophile burn them

and see how they react 10 guys in the Antarctic screaming about who's a pedophile you have a picture of a naked kid and you hold it up and one of them's

gonna turn into a monster when he sees it but they are again suing and the monster's only 7 years old. It's terrible. But Valencia is suing, again, the production company and set designer.

Yeah. That was responsible for these pictures. Wouldn't you, though? Well, does that sound like they're the Satanists, though? I'm saying that's a good. Yeah, I would sue them. That's what I would do. They've definitely damaged their brand.

That's how they get away with it. By being like, oh, well, we're actually suing them. We're going to sue you. And then who knows? Now everyone's thinking about... Meanwhile, they're getting off on it. That's what's going on. Dick, another great problem.

Gun control. I know you love gun control. President Biden said on Thursday he would push Congress to enact new gun control laws before Republicans take control of the U.S. House of Representatives in January. He told them during a press event in Nantucket, Massachusetts, that the recent shooting at an LGBT nightclub in Colorado had reinforced the need to pass an assault weapons ban. That gay guy that shot up that gay club.

Well, no, he wasn't gay. Yes, he was. No. You have that so wrong. He was gay. His lawyer has said I just looked at his face and I can tell that he's gay. His lawyer said that he was non-binary. You know, which I don't give a shit about the binariness of him.

Seems like a dodge. But he's gay. All I'm saying is if he had listed the biggest problem, we could have steered him down the right path. And if you have any friends or loved ones you think are considering a mass shooting. Especially straight ones. Especially straight ones. Send them the biggest problem and tell them to vote it up. You don't got to replay the whole thing.

I was just an angry incel. Living off minimum wage. Saving for an AR-15. Something to unleash my rage. I thought I'd punish the whole world. I'd kill the blacks, the Jews, the gays. That's when I went and stumbled on the biggest problem YouTube page. Well, who'd have thought what made me smile was a Mexican and a pedophile?

But now I'm not a cuck, and all I want is to vote it up. Vote it up. Vote it up now, baby. What are you. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme.

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It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. It The whole thing has been sensationalized. I mean, who cares? I care! No, no, no. What are you, in like a lot of gay? Oh my God. Because you are a gay guy that's thinking and always talking about doing a shooting. Is that why you care?

No, that's not why. I'm not always thinking about doing a shooting. You're worried that some fat Mexican guy who's there for no reason. Yeah. Some odd reason. Comes out of nowhere and fucking burritos your ass. I think that was a horrible thing that happened, and I don't think it's been sensationalized at all. I think it's been treated very fairly, except by people on the right, who maybe they're the ones sensationalizing it.

We're the ones sensationalizing it? Yeah, basically. I mean, they're the ones that are sensationalizing it where you go yeah but there were a bunch of groomers so they probably deserve it that's more sensationalizing though you're just you're just fighting that's sensational fire with sensational fire all right so what am i supposed to do how should i not sensationalize a bunch of people getting killed who cares no you have to care people get killed no you don't yes you do no you don't you killed who cares no you have to people get killed no you don't yes you do no you don't you don't you don't have to care about anything okay well then this is then your problem is nihilist just be nihilist sensationalist don't you think

it's like you know so uh oh guys are shooting up at a gay bar all right well not shooting up that would be a different thing shooting up getting shot guys are shooting up other That would be a different thing. Shooting up guys. Getting shot. Gay guys are shooting up other gay guys at a gay bar. And then the dad's like, oh, he's gay. I'm like, all right, man. I don't fucking care. That's horrible. This is a horrible scenario. You should absolutely care.

But it happened the last time it happened. I was like, ah, who fucking cares? Then it happened at Vegas, the stagecoach thing. I was like, oh, the FBI hasn't even. Like, who cares? Fuck off. What? I don't know. I think of a lot of people...

Who fucking cares? I don't want to get murdered randomly for no reason. So everyone being all freaked out is going to help with that? You not getting murdered? Yes, legitimately yes. I don't think so. In order for a problem to be solved,

people have to first freak out about it on some level. When the fuck has that ever happened? When has that ever been true? This show is literally about freaking out at problems. That's all we do. This show is satirical in nature to show that being sensational

about things does not help. You need a little bit. You need to get a little bit of people excited. You got to get people's blood pumping a little bit. Like what? Like dead kids and dead gays

and all sorts of... Dead kids It's bad It's bad Elon Do you see Elon Musk says Alex Jones Alex Jones is not coming back to Twitter

Cause he like I held Elon Musk said I held my First born Dead kid in my hands Dying in my hands It's like

And he goes And no one No one Who would ever Sell Some No one would ever sensationalize A kid or do politics of a murdered child. It's like, man, that's what every fucking politician and newspaper does on the planet, first of all.

And then his ex-wife came in and said, actually, the kid died in my hands. Who cares about that part? That I can agree with. Exactly. Who cares about that part? So why did he say it? So why did he lie about it? He was probably there

when the kid died. Oh, the kid's like melting out of his... Yeah, but it wasn't in his hands. So why add that part? This is why I'm not coming back to Twitter. Probably. Yeah. So why add that part? Because it's fun. Adds a little bit of something. Sensationalism. If you're saying sensationalism, don't add

or exaggerate Fine But I don't think anyone's done that With the shooting I mean I'm sure some people have But not anyone notable Just hearing about it at all Is like

Who fucking cares Yeah Don't even report On a bunch of people getting killed In a nightclub Well they don't Report on other people getting killed Yes they do

What about all the black kids That shot each other They report all that. They don't get any kind of... Even that. Like, every single example I give is like another version of, oh, but can you believe,

like, they don't... The media never reports on black teenagers shooting other black teens. Like, fuck off. I don't care. I was looking... I was researching stats.

Uh-oh. For sensationalism. Oh, okay. For sensationalism. FBI crime stats. Good. No, I know those. No, they've changed recently, I think. I'm up to For sensationalism. Not FBI crime stats. Good. Go. No, I know those.

No, they've changed recently, I think. I'm up to date. I'll get the new ones. Okay, I'm on Nick Twente's telegram. I know. New stats just dropped, folks. Yeah, actually. Send out baseball cards with all the things on the back.

Different. Different what? You know, the different colors. Go ahead. I was looking up stats on sensationalism, and it was like, according to surveys, this is what the American media viewing people think violence is like. And this is what it actually is. And this is, look at how much more violence they think there is.

I'm like, okay, I don't like, this is, I don't care. I found that very fascinating. The, the, cause it's like titillating. Assumption of violence as opposed to the actual numbers.

Just more sensationalism. That everyone assumes there's more crime than there actually is when crime rates are actually decreasing. Who cares? And then it's like, I care. That's very important. People vote based on that shit.

That's another problem And then at the end it's like And this is why people have lost trust in America I'm like, oh god, fuck Just fucking stop Stop You could have stopped all this with like How do we have a show if your ultimate argument is like

Ah, who cares about anything It's all bullshit None of it matters Something has to matter or else there's nothing here. We're not even having a discussion. What do you mean? What matters?

When we bring up problems, it negatively impacts our life, right? Okay, I'm going to argue that people killing each other over their sexual identity. Because they're both gay? Affects.

They're not both gay. That's not what that dad thought. The dad thought that that shooter was gay, and I think so. Did you look at his face? Look at his face. Hold on. Let me look at the Q Club shooter. Q.

By the way, Q. Shut the fuck up. God damn it. I'm so sick of this shit. Kanye, Nick Fuentes. Oh my God. Okay, Q. Don't bring up Club sick of this shit Kanye, Nick Fuentes Trump Okay, Q Don't bring up Kanye Hang out with Nick Fuentes

That's a whole other fucking problem Apparently that dinner did not go nearly as smoothly As Kanye seems to think it went Not for Trump Trump needs a cup check Apparently Trump called Was talking shit about Kim Kardashian Because he thought that would make Kanye happy

And Kanye's like That's the mother of my children And he's like Yeah Kanye kind of Is a bitch about that Like I don't Like yeah but she broke up With you dude

You gotta go with it That's the mother of my children That's the mother of my children Fuck you Like I'm on Trump's side On that one But Trump still needs to Be kept honest

Kept in line Kanye is a bitch Why don't you do Why don't you win the inner circle By this point I don't know Good question I've been asking myself that

You should make a pitch You should be like Listen Mr. Trump If anyone can get you elected Where's the shooter God damn it Q Club Q Club shooter

Shooter Go to images There he is Q Club shooter That's the gayest shooter I've ever Look at this How is he gay What is gay about this

Look at his face You're not even gonna be able to find it. What did they blank this? Just go to the images to erase them from they erased him from the world click on that and then right-click it Right. What is right open image in new tab? Nope Okay, hold on. Oh Come on grandpa. Where grandpa Where is it? Open image in the tab

There now you got the photo It's a good looking guy Are you telling me that's not gay? How is that gay? What is gay about it? Well like his face This is a bad This is a bad episode

I'm gonna say Why? Because what point Are you trying to make? Sensationalism. Okay. It's just bad. Okay, so what I was saying is...

It's scrambling everybody's brains. Right. And I don't even want to pitch it as being bad because that's more sensationalism. I said it's bad when people are targeted for their identity. And then you said, well, it's a gay guy killing other gay guys. And then you brought up a picture of him to try and prove that he's gay. He's gay. I don't think he's gay why i don't because i think he was targeting people i'm even willing to say look we don't explicitly know his motive but based on the information we

have it seems like he was self-loathing gayness that's one that's one theory you see his dad his dad was a very uh dad was gay too homophobic guy i don't think his dad is. You see his dad? His dad was a very homophobic guy. I don't think his dad is gay. I think his dad is very anti-gay. So? And I think. That doesn't mean you're not gay. That means you're more likely to be gay.

Okay. So you don't want the shooting to be sensationalized in the way that. I mean, because you're not saying you don't want to be sensationalized. You just don't want people to talk about it at all Because you think it's irrelevant You know what? Yes, tell me Here's what I found in my research About sensationalism

It was going through like the history of sensationalism And it's all the way back in like the Roman times Where people couldn't read And they would like tell things all crazy To get them interested in it yes and at every single point the researchers or whatever make a point to say how like it's the only way to get stupid people to want to learn about things i mean and i'm like part of it but you guys are like you're the one that is so important to you For stupid people Like you're the ones Doing it though

And I look at like YouTube And it's all Just Lies Like Even the thumbnails Are like I can't believe

Fucking Star Wars Fucking ruined Star Wars again Like If you don't buy this coffee Kids are gonna get raped By perverts And weirdos

I kind of feel like That's where we're going As a society It's gonna be like The only cereal That doesn't rape your children And it's like Well I better buy that one then

Rapiers Everything is just Pedophilia constantly Aren't you sick of it? That sensationalism Did you see Kenk Uger Going at Tim Pool

Kenk is his name? Chank I think Chank Chunk Chank Anyway Chunk Was going at Tim Pool And he was going, see, the real, because, you know, Tim Pool was saying they were doing grooming at that club that got shot.

And then Ken Cougar fired back and he said, you're the real groomer. I bet there's so much pedophilia under your little hat. And I'm like, this is all. He probably is. This is all. Chank's probably right. Okay. The future of politics, like when we have a presidential debate,

it's just going to be two guys on opposite sides of the stage going, he's fucked like 20 kids. And the other guy's going to go like, I saw him fucking a kid right before the show. He's fucking a kid right now. I can see him. He's fucking a kid. Step out from the podium.

He's got a kid hiding under his podium right now. He was fucking it. His wife's two kids in a dress. I've seen him. I've seen that shit. That's all politics is gonna be Now that kind of sensationalism What do you mean that kind? I'm saying that is legitimately ridiculous

The level of discourse Yeah I think the discourse around this shooting has been Fairly reasonable Why though? Like what's the point of it? The point of it is to hopefully reach a state of understanding in this country where we do not target margarine shooting up gay girls. For violence.

He's not gay, and you know he's not gay. Vito. And even if he is gay, it doesn't matter, because, yes, maybe he is a self-hating gay. 99% of guys are gay. Then, yes, maybe he's a self-hating homosexual who is motivated by society's mistreatment and demonization of homosexuals to go and shoot at them with a gun. Thankfully, many brave gay, lesbian, and

transgender individuals put a stop to him and grooming events. Tim Poole called it a grooming event. Tim Poole said a grooming event was going on at the club. Now that's sensationalizing it. What the fuck was that? A bunch of people get shot event well there's gonna be a grooming event What is a grooming event explain to me what a grooming event is a bunch of kids show a KC champion

All right guys. We got about an hour to convince these kids. They want to have sex with adults What do we do send a bunch of drag queens out there? That'll convince them. Here's what annoys me the most about it Okay, sensationalism. It's and this is why YouTube factors me the most about it okay sensationalism it's and this is why youtube factors into it that makes it so transparent like it's tim pool knows it's not a grooming event yes and he's telling that to millions of people who also know it's not a grooming event but they will all tell you well we have to you know we have to say that to get the dummies to to care about it that's it's like you're all dummies To get the dummies To To care about it That's Yes

It's like you're all Dummies You're the dummies It's the greater fool theory Of like politics Like well we gotta say We say it's grooming To get morons

To pay attention Like there's no more More moron You're the bottom You're all morons Yeah You don't need You're just doing this

For each other Like Well I mean you are Eventually hoping to reach The moron who is also an unstable psychopath who will go and kill these people for you. The gay guy. Yeah, sure, the gay guy.

The dad is the most moron, and he's joking during the interview. Well, at least he's not gay. He's a fucking meth addict who's joking about it for the cameras, because he knows to put on a show because he knows we're in this fucking malarkey-archy of moronic sensual... I do think the dad

was self-aware in that moment. Yeah. Yeah. Where they go, you heard your son killed a bunch of people? He's like,

yeah, I heard it was a gay club and I was like, oh my God, I hope my son's not gay and then I found out he just killed a bunch of people

and I'm like, oh, all right, good. I was like, wow, this guy might be a comic mastermind

I kind of get what he's doing Either that He's the I don't know Sensationalism We live in a time Yes It is the greater fool theory

It's everyone on 4chan Trying to trick you Into actually committing a mass shooting Where they're going Yeah man You're going to save the white race You're going to do it And then you go and commit a mass shooting

And they go You fucking idiot You look like an idiot out there Now you're going to save the white race. You're going to do it. And then you go and commit a mass shooting. You look like an idiot out there. Now you're going to jail forever. Yeah, I mean, I get it. Don't say it's funny. You wanted to say it's funny. It's not funny. It's not funny the way you said it. But it could be.

I get it. I get that you have to do it if they're going to make sensational news out of it. You know what's funny is when the guy doesn't get anywhere, like the guy who got tricked into going to the FBI office and thought he— Was he another gay guy that was going to shoot up? Yeah, he was gay. And he tried to get through the bulletproof glass. He had, like, a plan.

Oh. He probably got a pneumatic hammer or something, and it didn't work. And he's like, well, I guess I'm going to to jail forever and then he ended up dying in a shootout and that was your plan you just assumed you could break through a bulletproof entryway I guess all I'm saying is as soon as it makes you feel something it's bogus

well I think it's okay to have emotions and to feel things about watching your fellow Americans die in horrible tragedies never forget 9-11 exactly i still have never forgotten well who cares about 9-11 a lot of people care about 9-11 for good reason why good sorry that like what you know somebody who died in it i'm sorry people are still dying in it dick oh because of john Stewart Cause of the 9-11 whatever Cancers

Asbestos You know every year When they publish Like you know They say like More cops died In the line of We did this on this show

Where they're like 500 cops died In the line of duty This year Yeah 200 from 9-11 Related cancers And you're like

That's not a line of duty 9-11 was like That was like That was like 20 years ago Yeah well that That carries over to now If you die of 9-11 was like It was like 20 years ago Yeah, well that carries over to now If you die of 9-11 cancer That counts as dying in the line of duty

Yeah, sensationalism Well, that's a type of sensationalism There are types of sensationalism Again, the dying in the line of duty stance Yes Okay, so that's bad So dying in the line of duty of being a cop But dying in the line Of duty of being a cop But dying in the line

Of duty of being a gay Drag queen groomer Or shooting I think it's very bad What happened And I hope I hope Biden gets His assault

What about all those Black teenagers though Shooting each other I mean that is also Really bad What's worse Yeah black teenagers Most of them are gay Black teenagers killing Themselves is probably bad. What's worse? Most of them are gay. Black teenagers killing themselves is probably more of a

problem than mass shootings. I don't know, but there's been a lot of mass shootings. There was a Walmart one right after. I think we gotta take away guns for a little bit. We're just gonna do like 50 years, no guns until everybody's... See, but you know what I have to do

I have to be sensationalistic With the gun shit I have to say like Well if you do take away guns Then we're gonna have a Fucking holocaust Yeah there you go Just like

Just fucking Stop Get off the fucking Train to Auschwitz Of sensualization That you're being on Just stop Everything is a holocaust

Well Dick My problem is not nearly As dark as yours Mine Mine's no big deal Vote on it or not It's not an emotional problem Oh god

People are gonna vote that shit up My problem Dick Is when you wanna have A delicious Thanksgiving dinner Another food problem And you end up At hippie Thanksgiving Dick have you ever ended up

Oh no At hippie Thanksgiving Dick have you ever ended up Oh no At hippie Thanksgiving No I've always wanted to though Well I have some friends Okay Who are personal trainers Yoga instructors Nature wilderness enthusiasts

You do? Yeah Fitness instructors and nutritionists And hippies They're super fit Disgustingly so All of them? No just It's this guy and his wife And hippies They're super fit Disgustingly so All of them? No just

It's this guy and his wife And then a couple of their friends They're all like Fucking hiking nature enthusiasts He's trying to open his own Wilderness retreat Getaways for rich people You know

Where? The woods Oh Joshua Tree Of course Yeah of course Yeah okay You should go

I don't There's a There's like Naturist people Yeah That love nature And then there's Naturist people

That love drugs And there's a very There's a small difference Yeah Of the drugs But it's like Okay I'm gonna say You might actually

Want to go on this thing Okay Because he He kind of likes that as well Anyway regardless you guys are Disgusting hippies with crystals all around their house And all sorts of bullshit And I have no friends

So every year on Thanksgiving They're like well we're doing Thanksgiving And I'm like oh god please tell me I'm going to find A different Thanksgiving and I don't And I end up at hippie Thanksgiving every year So okay Some of the worst facets of hippie And I don't And I end up at Hippie Thanksgiving Every year So Okay

Some of the worst Facets of hippie Thanksgiving Is first of all And I love these people And hopefully they never listen To this episode of this show Yeah good The wife

What do you call it She has a She has a gluten allergy On top of it Amazing So gluten Free Thanksgiving You're like

Oh this is gonna be No a hole. No bread. No bread. No turkey. No stuffing. No stuffing. Well, they have... No yams. They'll say it's stuffing. And then you're like, well, what's in the stuffing? Yeah, it's like... It's just like celery.

It's like celery and shit. And I'm like, alright, well, it's not really stuffing, but okay. I think potatoes must have gluten, so it's like celery and shit And I'm like alright well it's not really stuffing But okay I think potatoes must have gluten So it's like mashed turnips or some shit Yeah All gluten free

The funniest thing to me is always Would you like some salad And it's just like leaves they picked That they clearly just picked off the trees I'm like you can't just Wait why have they picked off trees I don't'm like you can't just wait. Why is I don't know cuz it's just like shit. They found around the yard Like this is a girl leafy green you can eat this but like I don't think you can just pick leaves off of shit

And just hey, you got a gross specific stuff like shard or rocket. You can't you know No soda. Oh, That's the worst part That has gluten Or is it just not No it's just They don't drink it They're like Well we have this

Delightful berry thing We made And you know They took like A bunch of crushed Again berries They just found They're probably poisoned

And like put them In a jar With like some Some water How do you even Know these people Well I went to What did you meet I went to high school with the guy, and then we were room...

Because I remember we went to high school in Massachusetts, and then you move out to LA, and you're like, well, I don't want to make new friends. So all these kids you barely knew in high school become your new friends. Do you think they're making fun of you right now? Yeah. You're making fun of them? They're like, the fat guy came over, And he didn't even enjoy our sweet berry wine That we made

Ourselves Of course you have to give thanks To the Native American people No you don't Yes You have to pay respect to the indigenous land Which we have appropriated Eight white people thinking

Yeah well I think like there was a Mexican there Maybe he got to not do it. Yeah, this is great. Right, El Salvadorian. And the worst part was I showed up late, so the food was cold. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I'll just pop it in the microwave.

And they're like, oh, we don't have a microwave. And I'm like, why? Why do you not have a microwave? Yeah, they think it's like poison or something. They think it's like unnatural. Microwaves everywhere! It's a magnet! I could put it in the oven and heat it up with these warm stones. That's way, way more carbon non-friendly than a fucking microwave, you stupid bitch.

I didn't realize they didn't have a microwave. And I was like, well, I don't want to wait for them. I could have picked one up on the way over. Yeah, you don't want to- Like 20 bags. Microwaves aren't even bad for you in any way. They're just kind of like, I don't know. It just feels unnatural.

Oh, God. That is so annoying. We don't have a microwave. Well, you know, because it's like, we're like Mennonites. Yeah. We're like fitness Mennonites. That's the thing. They're very excited about it.

They're like, look at what we did just with things we found. And from around the garden and the magic and the turkey was a little dry uh but ultimately that's why i ended up at josh danny's place and ate all his food i did two thanksgivings this year and i ate like a fat ass over with him and carl and uh oh man they did good i'm going back there next year they had a spread did they have a turkey at the fitness people's yeah they had a turkey and a duck

I think the meat was actually pretty okay so they got that right yeah but and then afterwards the funny thing was that they brought like the There was like a family there

With like their kids And they were like even like Way more hippie than my friends Oh my god Cause it was like Do your kids wanna like Play on my Nintendo Switch And they're like

Oh they're not allowed To play video games at all And they're like They can just sit quietly And read a book or something I'm like Oh these poor fucking kids Be careful that book's got

Yeah Might have some stuff in there Space age technology in there Yeah It's got gluetons Then we started like Showing the kids For some reason

AI generated art came up Uh oh And we like started Yeah showing the kids And I was like Well then I tried to What do you mean Well

They were like I want to see I want to see, I want to see a cat. I want to see a cat mermaid. Uh-oh. And I was like, a fat cat mermaid, right? And I was like, oh, cool. So I plugged it into this one I have that normally does anime stuff.

And it made like this little cute Pokemon looking thing. And I'm like, there you go. And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Shows another one. I did it again. And it made like a Pokemon. They're like, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha do it again and then I pressed generate again and it made this huge

mermaid cat lady and I was like oh and the kids were like ha ha ha like they thought it was hilarious and I was I don't know if the parents saw it but I was like it broke it's not working anymore and I put it back in my pocket real quick.

I was like, fucking AI generated art getting me in trouble with the homeschooled hippie kids. How come every episode you have some sort of like something like an attraction to preteens? Yeah, now you're showing. That's not on every show. What are you talking about? It is on every show pretty much. I was trying.

I show them AI generated art. I thought it was just going Gonna make a little Pokemon characters No I know I heard the story But it's like Every time What other story I don't interact

With children at all Mega Man That was a thing And Raven That's a video game Team Titans That's a cartoon None of that counts

Well Somebody online Was saying Nick Fuentes Also likes Raven From Teen Titans So Yeah but he's like 22 years old. Fine for him.

No, it's not fine for him. It's the same exact scenario. Yes, it is. It's not the same exact thing. He's not under fire for being a bad guy. Nick Fuentes is allowed. Don't repeat that shit about Nick Fuentes. He's with Ye now.

Oh, okay. I forgot we're team Ye. Yeah. I actually watched that video that he put up. What do you mean? You would. No, I haven't watched it yet. The one he put on Twitter. Oh, of him and him and Fuentes hanging out?

And Sneeko is there. Yeah, I watched it. Sneeko's there just sitting on a chair. All I remember was thinking that the intro was low rent and I kind of want to go to Kanye and be like dude, let me do video editing for you. We got a little connection. I should tell him.

I should be like, listen, if Kanye wants some video production, some intros. Yay. That's your slave name. You're calling him cashes. I keep calling him by his dead name, and I will try to stop.

Slave name. Anyway, Dick, my problem is hippie Thanksgiving. Yeah. And also the wife Always knows I'm gonna like Fuck around And like make jokes So she's always

Looking at me You know When they're like Praying to their Crystal God Or whatever She's like They pray?

They like Have like a little You know And also they're Jewish So that's You should've started With that You know

Like one time they were doing Like the Seder I don't think they'd love a microwave What? They were doing the Seder one time And I was like watching And there's kind of like They don't fucking say anything

And I'm like Yeah yeah I know I'm not making any jokes I had fun Seders are fucking stupid Their meat was I went to a couple And it's like reading those things

Oh it's like a whole thing Then you eat the bread And you read another thing And you gotta look for the hidden matzo Yeah You hide it around the house Alright It's a Curb Your Enthusiasm

Episode Where they do a Seder It's a good one And they hide the matzo Yeah And then the dad tells the kid Where the matzo's hidden It becomes a whole thing

Where Larry David's like So how'd you find That motse so quick So he goes What's the matter You found the motse Yeah Good episode Hippy Thanksgiving dick

Don't get roped in But you shouldn't How hot were the Were the women there Pretty good I mean She's a yoga instructor The wife

Oh yeah She stays Real fit And they're poly So it was my buddy His wife And his girlfriend And I'm like god damn it

And the girlfriend's looking pretty good too But none of them are like Using microwaves? No Actually I think even the girlfriend Was like a little weirded out You get any pictures? Nah I shouldn't have

I think it would have been weird if I'm like, I need pictures to show on my podcast later. Why? Everything they're doing there, you could have just taken pictures of yourself and food. They would have said like, oh, Vito's taking pictures of himself. Nothing weird there.

But then you sneak them in the background. It is funny when you're at the hippie Thanksgiving and you're like, what's your name? And he's like, whatever. And I go, so how do you know? And she just goes, I'm his girlfriend. I'm like, of course you are. he just nothing weird about that this uh my buddy is i always said like most likely to start a cult you know was what he should have won in high school

he's got that charisma blonde hair looks like hitler youth even though he's a jewish guy i don't know where he got what is i don't know he got got the blonde He's got like the blonde hair and the blue eyes He's a very Aryan Jew Hitler didn't have blonde hair No I'm saying Yeah but like the ideal Aryan Specimen did Oh yeah

So he's like the ideal Aryan He's the ideal Aryan but he's Jewish And then he just bangs you know women And makes shitty Thanksgiving dinners What a horrible Thanksgiving No wonder you're always thinking about doing mass shootings And stuff And then he just bangs, you know, women and makes shitty Thanksgiving dinners. What a horrible Thanksgiving. No wonder you're always thinking about doing mass shootings and stuff. That's why I went to Judge Denny's and ate some pretty good mac and cheese.

All right, my problem is getting sick during vacation. Oh, God. Oh, man, oh, man. I can't think of a time that that's happened, I guess. You can't ever? Getting sick during vacation? I went on a cruise when I was a kid, and I vomited all over the room. That was pretty bad. Not like on vacation, but like when vacation, like getting sick on the start of, like I

broke my bicep. Right, when you were getting ready to party. On the first day of spring break yeah and it's like uh it's basically made it basically has made the entire year it basically makes the entire year up to that point like worthless she's like oh okay what'd you get is that the most recent time you ruined my girlfriend's sick right now yeah and she's on christmas break yeah christmas break she got sick day one like oh okay yeah i guess i'll just play video games did she get

covid or something what'd she get i don't know uh something something not covid like a flu what am i like an eyeball doc what are saying? What you can't have sex or something? Just being sick all the time Do you gotta get her stuff? Yeah Maybe I mean that's a different problem entirely Taking care of a sick person

Oh you don't have to try that hard Yeah I guess Just go buy cans of soup Well it's up there I'll make the first one But the the next day, it's not. You could be more attentive, perhaps. It's not going to make the sickness go away any faster. Yeah.

The more you do or try to do it. In fact, it's annoying of always being there like, oh, can I get you some water or some Gatorade? Vacations are complicated, especially in America. Getting sick like Super Bowl, Halloween. Sick on Halloween. You missed the whole thing. Yeah. I've been sick on like basically every holiday in my life and I hate it.

That's what I'm saying. I get that it is. Well, that's the problem is we don't let Americans take more vacations. You know, if you had more vacation days, you wouldn't feel so bad when you're missing out. Really? Yeah. I think we have a lot of activities. What activities do we have?

In America? Christmas. Mass shootings. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Fourth of July. No, but you're going to give people like a break of time off. And like other countries, like a month Two months off To live your dreams Is that even true?

Do you know? Yeah Or do you just think That's like That's the way it is No look up Look up average vacation days By country

By country? Yeah Okay But then you know They tax the shit out of them To punish them For having fun Yeah

That's why my That's why my sister Wanted to move abroad so much. She hates this American work culture. What if you get unlimited time off? Some places do that. And then people won't take...

Twitter does that now. They gave like a thousand people unlimited time off. I'm sure that's getting reined in because of Musk, right? They fired them, Vito. That's what I'm saying. Let's see. This is just population totals. I don't see how that helps me at all. Yeah, they

actually found that if you offer people unlimited time off, sometimes they take less. Because they feel guilty about it. Oh, the World Economic Forum, of course. What's wrong with the World Economic Forum? Is that a real question? They're trying to make everyone of the world unite.

As we say, Americans get a raw deal. Wait, what do you mean? What do you think the World Economic Forum is? It's a place to help the working man learn about how his labor is being exploited. That's what you think this is? It's some of that.

This is like a communist thing. Why do you know that? Why do you know it from that angle And everyone else is just learning about this is like a den of iniquity and Satan and lies Soros is paying those checks, but you do know that you do have us you have a take on this That's different than everybody else. Why? Is it different than everyone else? Yes. Not everyone says it's pro-labor. And you already had that queued up.

Vacation Americans here. Look at this. This is apparently pro-labor. Americans get 10 days. 10 paid vacation days compared to the United Kingdom, which gets as many as 37. And look, the 10 days that Americans get off Are all public holidays We get no

On average You get Zero paid days of leave I don't even care about that though You should Well No It's just getting sick

On like Like you know You're gonna get sick on the Friday Before Superbowl Or whatever There's gonna be tons of parties Yeah I fucking know

I already feel like I'm getting sick Missing out on fun Because you're sick Yeah Getting sick on Getting sick on I haven't got sick in a while though

That's why I'm having trouble Relating to this problem I haven't gotten sick In like I got sick like once The last like three years How's that Why is that

Why do you not get sick I think the thing is That I used to live in Massachusetts and I would get sick all the time from the cold. Yeah. So maybe my body has just gotten so used to fighting off whatever was in Massachusetts that I come over here and he's like, this is like easy street. You guys got no pollen or whatever the fuck.

I like all the retarded theories everyone has about why they don't get sick or why they do get sick. It's a take on the macho weatherman scenario. Macho immune system, man. Macho immune system, man. The reason is because I came from the man who was a juice. Where the colonists came and had to deal with scurvy. I should get sick more often because I'm disgusting.

Maybe you have like a barrier of other diseases. Like horrible sweat And Fart juice And whatever Oh god alright That's my problem Israel look at that

21 days Why'd you pick Israel Out of all the countries On my list I don't know They're actually pretty far down there They're not getting nearly as many Yeah they're not getting nearly

As many vacations Japan has a lot of public holidays 15 holidays a year Really guess you get one for each one for each nuclear bomb so you got hiroshima day nagasaki day why is chile on there 15 and 15 days of annual leave and 15 public holidays dame pesos is uh why is the United States only 10? That's a lie. Everybody gets like two weeks vacation. Not always. Depends on what your job is. You're working at like a gas station or something you don't.

Statutory minimum paid leave in public holidays. So statutory, does that mean by law? So by law, America has to give you those 10 days off. I hate the W. They always rank for everything in there. All their stats are bogus. More bogus than mine World Unite

Unite people Seize What would you even do? I would seize the means of production Go ahead and do what with them? Work on your comic forever? If you seized all the printing presses Here we go

Here's the means of production The comic's getting made Now I'm gonna sit around And think about my comic, and if anybody else comes and tries to print their comic, I'm going to tell everyone how crappy it is. We're working on another cover right now. Okay.

It's going to be great. What's your last problem? I'm going to try and get the Kickstarter up, maybe for December 15th. Really? You think that's a good time to launch a fundraising? You think it's bad to launch a fundraiser right around Christmas Right when everyone's panicking for buying Christmas presents

Nah you'll be great I think it's a different audience None of the people who want to buy my comic have kids they care about So in three weeks Well I thought I would try to get it done Before this fiscal year ends Cause otherwise the tag Actually I don't even think it matters

Cause the campaign would end in the next fiscal year. So I guess that's when the money is calculated. You're going to be making so much money that you need to like worry about your tax. It's going to be some amount of money. It doesn't really matter. Well, might kick me up a bracket. Might kick me up a bracket. Dick, my problem is badly timed traffic lights okay now on the way to your house

there's this one fucking light yeah all right but everybody's waiting for it to turn green so we can get on the highway you'll wait and you'll wait and you'll wait it turns green and like three cars go feet are all the way over here again okay i'm stretching out buddy yeah like three cars go Fucking feet are all the way over here again I'm stretching out buddy Like three cars get through the light And then it turns red again What is that bullshit Short light Well that's the short light problem

But then you have the long light The red light that never changes You ever run into those where you think it's broken Just run it Yeah but there's always like that Like I do want to run it yeah but there's always like that like i do want to run it just do it they should there should be more uh understanding of running red lights it should be very calm you can do it whenever you want i know i do it all the time you know those

like the way to get on the freeway lights yeah you just blow right through i have never once stopped at those i probably should do the same And the red arrow lights Yeah Never one time Cause there's never a cop around For those things huh I kinda respect The onboard light though

Like that's a good system Fuck em Yeah but if everybody fucks em Well that's the worst That's the worst that's gonna happen Everyone has to get on the freeway anyway That's why we have chaos Just get on

Chaos on the freeway Most people Most people obey it. I just think that clearly that we have the technology. Yeah. The traffic lights should all be AI responsive at this point. If there's no car ready to go, swap it on over, right? Oh, I see. Shouldn't it be actively scanning which lane if a lane has like a shit ton of cars in it yeah shouldn't it let like a bunch of cars go instead

of just randomly like changing it right all fast and just creating this huge backup of those fucking cars yeah it's inefficient well where's all this money going? Well, it's going to Ukraine. I mean, that's a whole different problem. Why don't you start running red lights like me? I run occasional red lights. How often? When's the last red light you run? Do you look around first like you're telling a black joke?

I look around. I take a look. I actually, I don't think I've ever Gotten a ticket in California That's so weird Really? So you should be doing More crimes Yeah I got a ticket in The only

Oh wait Yeah I never get pulled over No wait I got pulled over For a broken headlight Oh okay It's bullshit That's a whole other problem

That is weird Yeah why How did you get pulled over For a broken headlight? Because the cop just Pulled me over And when your headlight's broken Gave me one of those fucking stupid fix-it tickets

I'm like, how about you just don't give me a ticket And I go fix it No And he's like The worst part of the fix-it ticket Is that you have to find a cop to approve it And pay them Yeah

I went to a police station And they won't do it there Will they not do it at the police station? Well, that's what I thought I don't know I went to a police station I was like, hey, I got my car light replaced Can someone come look at it?

And they're like, yeah But then they wouldn't give me the thing that said a cop looked at it Unless I gave them like 50 bucks Yeah And I'm like, what the fuck kind of scam is this? The cop looked at it What are you talking about? Cop scam

And then they were like, well Because technically you were pulled over one town over And like, if you went to them I'm like, so if I went to them, it would have been free. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, you're a fucking cop. What do you care? Just give it to me. And I had to give them $50 and I had to pay $50 for the ticket.

It's like, this is Glendale. You got pulled over in Monrovia. Yeah, exactly. They're right next to each other. LAPD. What do you mean? It's all LAPD. You guys only drive around this little area?

I find that hard to believe. And you can't figure out How to make the traffic lights Do what I want them to So why should I respect Any of this process at all Yeah The whole process only exists

To make my life So it's like dumb traffic lights Yeah dumb traffic lights Not smart traffic lights Dumb traffic lights Very dumb traffic lights Because when you get them And they green

Like in the right timing Some of them have sensors That feels great Yeah It's just, I feel like we need to upgrade the whole system. Yeah. Cause some of these are infuriating.

I remember one where I was just like, I forget where it was, but I would just be waiting there for like 10 minutes. That was before I knew to run stoplights. Like I was just, for some reason, definitely afraid of it. Remember when you were like a driver and you're like,

if I don't adhere to all the rules, I'm going to die or something horrible is going to happen. No, just immediately you got a car and you always do crimes. Always do crimes. ABC. Anyway, we got to look into these traffic lights. I think they're not functioning at the level they should. So it's poorly.

I said poorly timed. Poorly timed. Badly timed traffic lights the amount of time we uh the average american spends waiting in traffic oh here we go probably a lot because i didn't look up any stats yeah probably a lot we had thanksgiving you ever talk to one of those guys that goes like how come when the traffic light goes from red to green, everyone doesn't just immediately accelerate? And they're telling you this like it's a life hack. Like, you ever think about why when it turns green, everyone should just go.

It saves so much more time. And you're just going like, I guess so. Go for it, man. That's awesome. Wasn't that the dream of the Tesla? That the Tesla will just know and everybody will, they'll all be synchronized. Yeah. Traffic's a bitch, especially in LA.

Okay, everybody. Patreon.com slash biggest problem. Biggestproblem.show to vote on the problem. We'll see if the rest of the live show goes up. I don't fucking know. Sensationalism. Getting sick on days off. Yeah, getting sick on days off yeah getting sick on days hippie thanksgiving and thanksgiving badly timed traffic lights timed okay uh yeah go see the live show go see the very

end of the live show it's not the very end it is a complete show it's like an hour and 10 minutes it's a good video i just it's not what people wanted to see. Well, maybe that's the thing, though. Maybe if you want to see the live show, you have to actually come out in person. I don't know. It's complicated. It is funny when I said to you, I was like, well, I have to check with the comics if I can post their stand-up. You're like, what?

I'm like, yeah, I can't just post it. You're like, but it's our show. I was like, I don't know post it but it's our shot it's like a rule okay let's see here oops a whole lot of good voicemails this week it looks like so you got cancer from taking testosterone

so I've been on testosterone therapy before and they do a bunch of tests prior to putting you on testosterone to make sure that the testosterone Won't give you fucking ass cancer Or whatever the fuck Blood cancer They do the tests

So I'm guessing Boogie just bought this shit on the dark web Or some shit To get the free drugs So he probably just bought it With his fucking crypto fortune That he now no longer has Because now he's poor And has cancer

Oh well He's a fucking idiot And uh Probably got what he deserves They can scan To tell if you're Prone to cancer from it But it's probably

It's possible But I'm saying He probably They're probably like Well you have a low chance Of getting it And then he got it anyway That's even funnier

I got my I sent in my Testosterone blood Test But now I gotta wait I gotta wait Till like December 13th Before

To schedule Consultation Oh this waiting I'm like Isn't the whole point That like I'm doing Cause I did the online thing I'm like

Can't you just run it Through a fucking thing And have a robot Talk to me Well they still have to Like wait in line Yeah but like And like

Sit there Can't the doctor Just look at it And tell me if I'm qualified or not Well they still have to like wait in line Yeah but like And like sit there Can't the doctor just look at it and tell me if I'm Qualified or not I really gotta have a consultation Yeah It's a waste of my time It's called regulations man Yeah get rid of them

Hey guys So my biggest problem in the universe Is you know when you drive Like nine hours from Arizona to California to see a collection of some of your favorite comedians and watch a live show version of your favorite podcast, and then you get too drunk halfway through the show. And then you get too drunk halfway through the show. You got to walk out to the street and puke your guts out.

Yeah, there was the one guy. Pass out on a tree. Did you pass out? So you missed the second half of the show. Which guy was that? Great first half, though, guys. Very funny. Well, there you go.

At least you got to see the second half on YouTube And then you watch The second half later Yeah a couple people I think two people left During the show One guy I think I don't know why he had to leave But I think another guy Yeah stumbled out of there And I didn't see him passed out

Unless he got around the corner We can't even put Steven's stand up on Even after he made us wait For his friends to get there He wasn't too hyped on that idea He wasn't hyped on it No

I'm telling you man There's all these For his friends to get there? He wasn't too hyped on that idea. He wasn't hyped on it? No. I'm telling you, man. There's all these stipulations. Why don't I just blow my fucking brains out? How about that? Jesus Christ. The world's not missing that much if they don't get to hear Stephen's stand-up. He did great. We all did great.

And we can't hear him throw up. Well, nobody got that on camera. You think that was audible? I guarantee you somebody could find his throwing up. Where did he throw up? I didn't see him throwing up. Right near the Virgin Mary, like 30 feet away from the Virgin Mary. I saw him throw up.

Yeah, I know. You were really excited about it, and you brought it up all throughout the show. Hilarious. Okay. Let's do this one. Hey, Vito. Hilarious. Okay. Let's do this one. Hey, Vito. Hey. Sorry. If you're tired of

shitting on the Riververse, there's a new universe called the Petaverse. P-E-D-A-verse. Petaverse? At first, I thought it meant like PETA like the fucking Animal loving group

Not spelled that way? No it is not spelled that way P-E-T-A It's another black guy Doing a thing Like his name is Really? Peter something whatever

It's a black guy Fucking making comics I thought you would hate it Really? I don't know Peter or something Whatever Yeah Okay It's a black guy Fucking making comics Okay I thought you would hate it So PETAverse

There you go This guy I don't know PETAverse No that's not it Is it? PETAverse Well he said he's making a comic

Because apparently It's a Peter Pan comic No Peter Pan is That's what I call it No you call Okay so I don't really listen to these.

Some guy named Peter or Peta is making a comic, and it is a black gentleman, and because I hate black comics, I would be excited about it. The Riffaverse. P-E-A-verse. P-E-D-A P-E-D-A

verse. Okay. P-E-D-A verse? Is this-E-D-A. P-E-D-A-verse. Okay. P-E-D-A-verse? Is this a pedophile joke? I don't know, sir. Pediverse NFT. Comics Archive Africa? The Pediverse is renewed and rebranded. Okay.

All right. All right. The Pediverse is renewed and rebranded. Alright The PETAverse Is renewed and rebranded PETA Comics Comes again in grand style As you can have a taste

Of amazing African comic contents On their newly rebranded website There's a lot of Black comic universes right now This is African There's one called Black Sands Universe And they hate Eric July

And they've been fighting with him Because they say We're the original Black comic company And I think they're part loaned By Mark Cuban And they've been fighting with him Because they say we're the original Black comic company And I think they're part loaned by Mark Cuban and they're trying to make him into like The pitch was clearly like What if it was Marvel movies but with black people

You know and I think Mark Cuban Fell for that yeah so now They're gonna take all these terrible African Africa pretty much Diamond man That's their skin is Hard as the diamond mines he's In Africa Pretty much Diamond man Diamond man With skin as hard As the diamond mines He's been working

Cotton Jones And the Black Scarlet Black Black Widow Black eye The incredible black I think we're struggling

To come up with black superheroes here. No. No? Black man. Black door. Black Batman. That's the wrong universe. Yeah, there's a lot of opportunities there.

Okay, here's... Okay. Hey guys, big problem for you. Immediate politicalization of a problem is the biggest problem in the universe. So I woke up to the news of the gay nightclub shooting. The Biden nightclub shooting. Thank you. Yada, yada, yada.

Sensational voicemail. They're marking this guy as a hate crime. It's all sort of stuff without actually knowing what his motive is or anything along those lines. Just like how the Pulse nightclub shooting was not actually a hate-motivated thing. It was just a nutso that wanted to kill as many people as possible,

and that nightclub was extremely busy. The FBI even stated that it was not a hate-based incident. Why does this guy have to know any of this? Like, nothing would matter if this person, if this caller have to know any of this? Like nothing would matter if this person If this caller didn't know anything about this one Or the one he's talking about Just salaciously

It doesn't fucking matter I think that mass There's a lot of mass shootings I think it might be even a trend It's not like a stand alone Some people are just fucking nuts Seems like it's a Growing problem That should be addressed

Like shark attacks No Shark attacks are not Growing Mass shootings I believe are Are you gonna look up The shark attack

Occurrences No I know that I don't care I know that I don't care About mass shootings And I never will Well guys It's been a fantastic show

We're gonna take a look At your super chats. Get them in. I want to thank everybody, including our fan who sent in his own stinger. Can you believe it? It's always great to hear from them. Maybe we'll hear from more fans in the future. Oh, I'm sure we will.

All right. Well, the coup for two. Thank you both for not killing yourselves. Of course. Reek for a big twenty dollars Wow Give him a ding Dick Vito

Great live show Hope y'all upload the stand up portions Uh oh Dick you asked me to remind you About how the casket nearly killed you Oh god the Maddox casket How did that almost kill you? Uh

It was when my arm was fucked up Yeah Right after I fucked up my arm I was trying to get around the Maddox casket was propped up in the garage. I was trying to get from around him. Some dog food or something.

And I went around and knocked the pedestal out from under it and it started falling but I didn't realize it until like the last minute that it was coming and i like spun out of the way i had knocked it out and then i was like oh should i think i just knocked out and i moved and it went it hit hard and i was like if i got killed if you've been crushed to death by maddox's casket that would be the most humiliating yeah that's what i thought how did that's what i

thought the spirit of maddox, kill him? Oh, my God. I got to get rid of this thing. I got to get this thing out of my garage. Yeah, it's cursed. Justin Sweat for two. Next live show in Florida. We will see you weekend.

You did one in Florida, right? You did Miami. Or Tampa. Yeah. Have we talked about Vegas? What do you mean? Like, biggest problem live show? It's so expensive in Vegas.

There's gotta be, who did, uh, Okay, start looking. Josh just did a, they did a show in Vegas and he was saying they got a good deal. So maybe we'll talk to Josh.

Go for it. On their Compound America tour. Yeah. Okay, you're all skeptical. Fine, let's have it in a, Cause it's fucking Vegas. Let's have it in a cornfield. It's fucking Vegas.

We've made no money off this one. You think Vegas is gonna Vegas We've made no money off this one You think Vegas is gonna be I am betting I'm putting a $400 over under on it Yeah about It's not like a huge amount of money

You think Vegas is gonna be cheaper than Stephen Torres' backyard I sold 11 copies of Enemy Weapon At $25 a piece It's not my fault you didn't bring any merch. I don't want to fucking sell merch. Well, then you can't complain about the money then. That's not money. Yes, it is.

11 copies of Enemy Weapon, so $200. $250. Oh, man. $275, actually. Okay, well, I'm sorry that you live in a fucking mansion. No, you could spend the same amount of money Getting more people To listen and go on Patreon

Than doing live shows I love I love doing live shows But It's also very expensive It is content for the channel It is when you can upload it Which we're not allowed to

The point is Dick Enemy Weapon is still available at EnemyWeapon.com and makes a great gift for the holidays. Order now. I'll throw in free signing. I'll sign a copy for free if you message it. Also, there's somebody in Australia. Remember I sent a copy and I forgot to ship it?

Or I forgot to sign it before I shipped it? Now I'm going to have to spend $40 shipping them another copy. $40, you're getting a deal on that shipping. Yeah, we'll see. I got to find their address again. Forever has been waiting for that. Assuming I don't just blow you off. Petty for $20.

Wow, we're getting a lot of great donations tonight. Wow. Here's $20 to go through Vito's Twitter. Please don't. Please just leave me alone. Oh, yeah. Wait, I have a stinger for you. Oh, God. I made a stinger. Here,'t. Please just leave me alone. Oh, yeah. Wait, I have a stinger for you. Oh, God.

I made a stinger. Here, hold on. Let me get it. I made a stinger, but then you didn't have anything that was funny on Twitter. Yeah, it was just me being a dick about the shooting. Okay, hold on. Vito's Twitter. Vito's Twitter.

Vito being Vito on Twitter. That's a terrible stinger. Vito's Twitter. Vito's Twitter. Vito being Vito on Twitter. That's a terrible stinger. Vito's Twitter. That's a horrible stinger. Vito's Twitter. What are you talking about? Vito being Vito on Twitter. Did you just get text to speech?

Vito on Twitter. Why would you? Vito on Twitter. Are you going to play this the whole time? Vito being Vito on Twitter. Until I load it up. Vito on Twitter. Oh my God. Vito on Twitter. Are you going to play this a long time? Veto being Veto on Twitter. Until I load it up. Veto on Twitter. Oh, my God.

Veto on Twitter. Veto being Veto on Twitter. That was a terrible stinger. Veto's Twitter. Veto's Twitter. Veto's Twitter. Veto's Twitter. Veto's Twitter Twitter I get it already

Oh my god Vito's Twitter I'm gonna stop using Twitter I'm gonna just stop tweeting Oh I think it's done Okay Don't you think that was good? That's a great stinger

You really nailed it And you just play that In the background While going through All this garbage until it loaded up uh give example all i want for christmas is the tifa doll that's a good tweet though this has got the tifa doll getting trapped in a laundry machine man you're really gonna have the tifa sex doll in your apartment yes how are you gonna explain that to people? This is my sex doll. I put my penis in it and make horrible things happen.

That's all the explanation you get. You're going to just store it like out in the open? You're going to put her in a closet? No, I'll have a cool pedestal and she'll be in a cool fight pose. Oh, no. Your sex doll is just fucking up against the washer. Yeah, but it's not Tifa. It's just like a random woman.

I don't care about a random woman. Yeah, well, I'm going to get, you know, I'll get like a bunch of outfits and dress her up like an adorable little China doll. I want the Tifa sex doll. I do love how shameless Trump is. I actually wanted to tag you on that. You should get that Trump Christmas ornament.

No, I hate giving Trump money. I think it's like a scam. All his political shit. Yes, obviously. It's bad, though. It's bad. Obviously, it's a scam for him to make money. We know this.

No, not him. His, like, the GOP. If it was going to him, I would love it. Does the money go to the GOP? It's got his name on it. He must get a cut. But it's probably like tax-wise. It's a fundraising thing or something.

I don't know. I hope you're right. You can't just scroll through my Twitter on the fly. You gotta prepare ahead of time. Usually you can scroll through it, but you were mostly right this week. Thank you. I am always mostly right.

Proving the point. Great little meme about World War II. Okay, now we're getting into some good stuff Candace Owens In all caps Candace Owens Candace Owens Disowns Fuentes and Milo

Hey man, I'm just reporting the news But it's not You're making shit up She literally is like I don't even know anything about these guys I'm not friends with these guys She didn't say that, first of all She said I would like to state some things I don't even know anything about these guys. I'm not friends with these guys. She didn't say that, first of all. She said, I would like to state

some things. I didn't introduce them. That's it. She says, that is not a personal shot either of them. I have never in my life been in contact with Milo or Nick Fuentes. So she says, I've never been in contact with them and yours is, Ken Owens disowns. That's disowning them.

By the way, three likes. Who are you preaching this to? Yourself. I'm preaching to the wise and the learned. You're getting off on like this fabrication that Candace Owens disowns. Which she obviously didn't. This next one's interesting. What? So there's this company, Established Titles.

Have you ever seen this? Where they basically, you get a little frame certificate that says you're a Lord of Scotland because they have- Yeah, they have a little plot of land and they go, this square foot is yours. So you're technically a landlord in Scotland. But not technically like- And you can use the term Lord to refer to yourself. Like there's no actual legal basis, you know? Yeah, or land or anything.

No, it's like naming a star. It's like a goof, right? Okay. Okay. So some guy made a big video and he's like, this star It's like a goof right Okay Okay so all these Some guy made a big video And he's like This thing is a scam

And all these YouTubers Are promoting it And you're not actually a lord And it's like Yeah no shit Like it's a goof No but the people Thought that though

I guess Cause they're like Retarded Point is I currently have a certificate In my bedroom Saying I'm a lord Of whatever the fuck

And now I have to decide whether or not I make The sponsored ad read and get like 500 bucks or I go along With this stupid YouTube thing of like they're scamming People they're scammers And I'm like I think I'm just gonna secure the bed Did you know it was like naming a store I think I thought

That you were allowed to like change your ID Or something because of it Why were allowed to change your ID or something because of it. To Lord? Yeah. Why could you not change your ID to say like Gaylord? Just do that anyway. I thought maybe there was some legal basis in it, but finding out that there's not, I'm like, well, who gives a shit? It doesn't really change

anything for me other than it's, you know. It should. It was funnier when I thought there was a little legal loophole, but it's still funny Why is it funny? I don't know It's just a thing you tell Yes they've exposed the

It's funny to be like I'm a lord of Scotland Looking at my little fucking thing It's only like 50 bucks I don't understand I'm gonna do the ad read I don't give a shit Who cares Do you need like to pay somebody 50 bucks so you can call yourself Lord Vito?

That's what they are insinuating you should do. It's a gag gift. It's like, yeah, it's like buying a star. It's all bullshit. But all the YouTubers are freaking out. They're like, any YouTuber that works with this company is helping spread this scam. And I'm like, I want the 500 bucks. It is weird that they all, Rejected it at the same time

Well yeah that's the thing is like now guys like quartering are like We've looked into established titles and we Cannot believe they would trick people into thinking they were Alarmed I'm like alright man like Like you had to look into it You didn't just like know that immediately But I wonder now if I put out A video and I put that ad in there like do I gotta

Like say like by the way like I know you're all mad about it but come on guys it's like just for funsies uh no I don't think you have to say that I think you can sell I'm gonna get a bunch of comments where people go don't you know they're a scam and you're helping promote this company the scam and they

say every time you buy one they plant a tree but they don't even plant a tree they pay a different guy to plant a tree and I'm like I don't care yeah all of this is dude you guys think half the carbon credits yeah half the shit i promote on my channel i do not care about i will say into the am great company go to into the am.com slash veto yt okay good 10 off your uh order of into the am shirts what's that into the am yeah they're a cool shirt company in the Morning I went over to Josh Denny's Thanksgiving

And I was wearing My Into the AM hat That I obtained from them And he said Whoa You buy Into the AM too? And I'm like Bye buddy

I'm sponsored Cause I guess Josh Denny likes their shirts Oh They make cool little graphic tees That's cool Yeah I don't know

Is that one you're wearing right now? No The We Like Junks Okay that was my Vito Vito's Twitter Alright okay Vito's Twitter

That's terrible Vito being Vito on Twitter What do you mean That's good That's pretty great Vito's Twitter Alright alright Holy lord

Thanks Petty Clap Trap with 20 Wow a lot of live show lovers Thanks for the 20 Give that man a ding Dick Vito and company The live show lovers. Thanks for the 20. Give that man a ding. Dick, Vito, and company. The live show was fantastic.

Vito killed it. Glad we could agree on my IPA problem. Was that when he was riffing with you? I mean, there was just so many jokes that are lost because we can't post the whole fucking show. It really, like, continuity-wise, it really fucking grades... Maybe we'll put up the show. We'll figure something out. Let's just cut the stand-up out, except for yours. Or yours as well!

We'll make it just Waldy Snyder cut and we'll get all of them. He says, contribute this 20 to the Call to Prayer, since we didn't get one in Long Beach. That's true. We didn't do a Call to Prayer in Long Beach. That's probably a good idea. We could cut that too! Probably would've... Who knows if the neighbors would've been happy with that. to a call to prayer in Long Beach. That's probably a good idea. That probably cut that too. Probably would have. Who knows if the neighbors would have been happy with that.

Riley for 20. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. I'm thankful for both of you and your shows. You are like a modern planes, trains and automobiles comedy duo. Oh, that's from Mint Salad. That's nice. Good old Mint, who I imagine, I think has a review of plane plane trains and animals Or automobiles On her channel right now ASE Presents

You know Mint Salad does like a daily movie review I don't know how she has the time Really? Yeah And she wears costumes and half of them On fucking Riley's channel Check out ASE Presents She dressed up like

She's been dressing up like Wanda From the Marvel The fucking Scarlet Witch Scarlet Witch Looks pretty good Hot Pretty good

You're like Steve Martin Yeah I'm the Steve Martin Cause you're so picky about Exactly And fastidious about stuff And you're like John Candy Cause you're such a

Big fat slob Pop quiz for $19.99 Just says money Well we'll take it buddy Mike Hunt for five Biggest problem is people saying We need to protect our children What do they mean our children?

What do you mean you people? Petty for five Vito won't even Be able to fit his finger In a trigger guard If he doesn't get on that bike I don't need to kill anybody. Brizman for five. Please post a stand-up

to YouTube. You must be fair to non-patrons. Petty for five. Sensationalism equals fear-based mind control. Yes. See that Trevor Moore tweet I posted in Discord. No. We'll take a look after. Mike Hunt for five.

90s left-wing politics are considered right wing now yes the biggest problem excuse me is the return of 80s censorious right wing by people who don't know better there's some of that some of that censorship coming back again with this weird satanic panic of like doesn't it make more sense that one photographer was fucking around as opposed to a major fashion brand? Shut up. Who cares? Secret front fucking cares about the kid. Shut up.

Matt C for five. Vito uses to buy some pants that don't have nacho stains all over them. Look, I have a comfy pair of pants that has a bleach stain on it. I will buy a more comfy pairs of pants. Why did he know that you have a stains on your pants? Because on the biggest problem live show, there's a big stain on my pants

and a bunch of people were like, what's that stain? And I'm like, it's bleach. I don't remember how it got on there, but I like these pants and it's cold. What are you using? Bleach? To wash your pants? No, I was using bleach to wash something else that spilled on my pants. What were you washing? Something white.

Like my clan robes. Damage play for 25 runs. The fuck is that? Getting a cut on the tip of your finger is a huge problem. Finger pain. Vote it up. Vote it up. Finger pain.

Finger pain. Matt C for five. Congrats on the live show. At least Dick has attended every live show for this show so far. Keep it up. Who missed a live show? I didn't. Oh, Australia. I missed two of

them. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that asshole. Cosmic Daggerin for 10. This is why people tell Vito to go F himself. He comes out with bad solutions like AI traffic lights. Just build more trains with the budget highways. Get to remove drivers

that don't want to drive off the highways into trains. That's a good point. Thank you. ClapTrap for five. Biggest problem is sending several $5 super chats instead of one $25 chat. I agree.

Matt C for five. Don't waste my tax money on public transport. Junkies can find their own way to travel. That's mean. Not everybody riding the bus is a junkie. They might as well be. Some people are just trying to get by. Let's see.

Oh, we got a whole bunch more. Devin BT for 10. Should I make a biggest problem in the universe comic on my Twitter? Yes. Yes, of course. People should be taking our most hilarious audio bits and animating them. Yeah. What's wrong with you people?

Yeah. Get on it. Be that guy. Yeah. And if you're good enough at it, maybe we'll pay you to make more. Who knows wrong with you people? Be that guy. And if you're good enough at it, maybe we'll pay you to make more. Who knows? If they're good, I'll pay them. It's good for the show.

How is it good for the show? That's how these podcasts get popular. It's like some stupid clip. Stupid? Remember the Ricky Gervais podcast and it was all animated? Well, yeah, but Ricky Gervais was already famous before he even did his XM run podcast. And that was just because he was making fun of Carl Pilkington.

And then it turned into a show. Animator podcast. Ride Dog for Five, live show Philadelphia. Well, you're doing one, right? Yeah, I'm doing it with Carl. We don't have a date yet, though. Am I supposed to come, or am I not allowed to come? You can come.

Why is it you can come? Why is it not like... Because! It would be great if you came. It would be great if you came! Now I feel like you're just fucking around. Because I got to plan it with Carl. Yeah.

And then we'll see where it is and what the deal is. Does Carl want me there? I haven't asked him. You should have talked to him. You should be like, hey, Carl. No, I don't ask people. I just make decisions. What do you think about Vito coming along to Philadelphia?

If you ask somebody something, it makes them think that they should say no. Does he do stand-up at his shows? He should. No, he just does the show. I thought he has a bunch of, like, stand-up buddies. He might, but he doesn't do stand-up. I don't think. Yeah, I guess he doesn't do stand-up. I don't think. Yeah, I guess he doesn't.

That'd be the end of Carl. You can't do that show and then do stand-up. Yeah, but he's like friends with like a bunch of stand-up guys. I thought he did do some stand-up.

Vinny Paulino does stand-up. I don't think Carl does though. Okay. I don't know why I thought otherwise. Well, he should. Maybe he'd be good at it.

He's got that great podcast. That translates, right? No. He can do Stuttering John jokes. Actually, he probably can't do stand-up because then we'll compare his stand-up to Stuttering John's stand-up and it'll be a whole thing.

Don't do... Stand-up is not something to aspire to. Riley Ormitz... No, this is Riley now. For $50. Wow. I love that your producer gives us money. I can't believe it. I love it. Live show in Philly $50. Wow. I love that your producer gives us money. I can't believe it.

I love it. Live show in Philly. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. We can't do a biggest problem. We're not going to piggyback a biggest problem, though.

No. That'd be weird. It's too much work. Well, maybe we could. I don't know. We'll do it the night before during a stupid dinner. We'll have our own dinner. We'll have our own dinner We'll have our own

Biggest problem dinner Carl can do his like Problems Biggest problem at dinner $100 a head Political fundraiser That he fucking has Well the first night

We're doing a dinner And then there's a tasting And a wine sampling It's like just do a comedy show That sounds like That's a good Carl impression Is it? I was just doing a nebbish

To anybody but Oh now that you describe it It's not a good Justin Martinez For Tony Biggest problem is doing a nebbish to anybody Oh, now that you describe it, it's not a good car Justin Martinez for 20 Biggest problem is a shooting happening in a certain club in your town And the memorial blocking a turn lane on the main road Sensationalism! See?

See? You love your headlines But you don't want to deal with the traffic, do you? Did we do roadside memorials on this show? Because that's another one I think Blocking some lanes. And Black Phillip for five.

Is Ye gonna win? No. For president? Yes, absolutely. Oh, you think he'll win? 100%. America loves the Yeezy lifestyle. Yeah, that's true.

We need those. We need ballot harvesters. Yeah. If Ye's got more ballot harvesters than Trump, then yes. Whoever has the most mules wins theers. Yeah. Who's ever got, if Ye's got more ballot harvesters than Trump, then yes. Whoever has the most mules wins the day. Yeah.

It would be cool if elections were determined by something other than votes. What do you mean? It'd be like, you know, like, What do you mean if?

Well, yeah, like, I want to see, what are the backdoor, like, Illuminati shenanigans? Like,

what dice are they rolling to figure out the, do you ever see the South Park where they're just rolling a dice and a chicken's running around and they cut its head off wherever it lands? Yeah. That's more fun. Guys, what a great show. I want to see a list of our biggest supporters, all of whom we love.

Bonus episode next week. Tell us what you're doing. Bonus episode. I would say we should do the biggest problems in holidays. In holidays? Okay. Yeah, like a Christmas Hana, Chiquanza Okay, I'm also thinking about our holiday song. Oh I got a pitch I've got a hurry man. Yeah, I don't know sorry past Thanksgiving. It's too late. It is too late

Fuck the next night do next year if there is a next year We'll figure it out. All right. Goodbye everyone Fucked around too much. Let's do it next year. If there is a next year. We'll figure it out. All right. Goodbye, everyone. Patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Biggestproblem.show. Vote up all the problems now.

I can't believe you didn't like my stinger. Your stinger's great. You nailed it. Don't play it again. Vito's Twitter. Vito's Twitter. Did you make this? Vito being Vito on Twitter. What do you mean did I make it? How would I find it? I had another fan send us a Twitter. Vito's Twitter. A make this? Vito being Vito on Twitter What do you mean did I make it?

How would I find it? I had another fan send us a Twitter Vito's Twitter A stinger you gotta listen to Vito's Twitter Vito being Vito on Twitter Yeah, you got it Alright, I got there

What's bad about this? Vito on Twitter Play the what? Vito on Twitter Or the boogie horn Oh, that one? Fuck this show Get well

Goodbye Better soon, boogie We love you Oh, that one? Fuck this show. Get well. Goodbye. Better soon, boogie. We love you. Dick went to say no.