The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 84

Episode Date: April 1, 2023

Lack of Good VR Porn, Great Government Firewalls, Mass Shooter Lotto, Pissphobes

Are you thinking of a rhyme? I'm trying to. I'm not good at it. You know what? Here, watch this. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you something. Oh, wait.

Are you going to chat GPT? I got to talk all about chat GPT on my show this week. It's just game changer, man. Can you really tell, like, take two of these four things and come up with a rhyme? Let's see. Take these four concepts and come up with a clever rhyme. Uh, clever rhyme. Rhyme.

R-H-Y-M-E. Between two of them. Using puns, puns, and, uh. Turns of phrase? Turns of, and a thesaurus And a thesaurus Yeah Whatever Today I like dick

And I spell half the story Okay whiny waiters Loud music at bars I'm gonna put a colon Between thesaurus and You know Compelled speech Compelled speech

And Transphobia Transphobia I'm worried we're gonna get like I can't speech And Transphobia Transphobia I'm worried we're gonna get like I can't talk about transphobia Or something from it Uh Whiny waiters at bars

Can be such a pain But their complaints Can't drown out the refrain Transphobia in this space And Uh Compelled shout cheers of the loud music that's

whiny waiters at bars can be such a pain, but their complaints can't drown out the refrain of the loud music that's, no, no, no, no, make it shorter, make it shorter. At bars, loud music in the air, noise, no, no, no, no, make it shorter.

Wait, transphobia is a poison, no doubt. Compelled speech makes us want to shout. Whiny waiter is a complaint of sound. As transphobia compels you to shout.

All right. I got it. Are you ready? Yeah, sure. Are you ready, Vito, for this AI-powered episode? This is the future of all comedy.

No human input at all. It is better. I watched that movie about retarding. Biggest. What do you have? Problem. Might as well be in. In the universe.

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from compelled speech abound To whiny waiters all around Oh wow What was that? It's not as good as I thought I'm Dick Madison

Joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi Hello Dick What's up buddy? Welcome to my AI podcast How you doing? I'm alright Are ya? I think so

Should we have a Vito suicidometer at the beginning of every show? Well, I've come to a, you know, understanding of humanity that... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I just have to stop. You put big points on the board, though. I did put big points on the board. Liberals put some big...

You got those murders coming in hot. That's not what I meant. That's good stuff, man. That's not what I was referring to, but... It's true. The liberals are... You got conservatives to betray their principles. The liberals are fighting back, and now all the conservatives want to take away our guns

because they don't trust our mental health state. How does it feel when somebody wants your guns? It's funny. It's all a big joke. You say it's funny, but you're not laughing. How come? It's one of those quiet laughters. Slow, maddening laughter no that's no

good you need driving you to the edge of suicide let's see who won yeah last week why is that so quiet it sounded good to me my headphones are jacked up though so maybe you can turn it why is that so fucking quiet what's going on are your headphones loud enough? My headphones are like maybe my brains not sounds fine to me. Oh, there we go That's right. Those sounded equal to you. That sounds way louder No, maybe I don't know if my headphones are turned up to my whiny waiters whiny waiters one And what's funny is somebody had commented cuz it's very close Yeah, somebody would comment that like if you lose this week dick shafted you Whiny waiters. Number one. And what's funny is somebody had commented, because it's very close.

Yeah. Somebody commented, like, if you lose this week, Dick shafted you. Why? Because the problem was whiny waitresses, which way more people would have voted for. Oh, okay. But I decided to give myself an out and not correct it, because that way if I lost, I could come in and go, well, here's the thing. You want me to change it now? I don't care.

Should I bring in whiny waitresses? No, no. That's a problem. Whiny waiters, baby. Whiny waitresses. Loud music at bars. That was a good one. Some fucking moron told me it was because I was old.

I'm like, did you hear in the story how there was a young woman there who had earplugs? What, you think those were there? You think she had earplugs because she was old? Like 27, that's old for you? It's just too loud. Just go fuck yourself. Some of those bars are too loud. You had stans. had earplugs what do you think those were there you think she had earplugs cause she was old like 27 that's old for you it's just too loud just go fuck yourself shut up

you had stans stop saying stop repeating shit that you heard on TV shut the fuck up shut up I agreed with that problem I hate

I hate loud bars it's stupid and then compelled speech which a lot of people agreed with me even though you said to just put on

the gay shark jersey put on a gay jersey let the man not wear the gay just put on the gay shark jersey Put on a gay jersey Let the man not wear the gay jersey Put on some lolliporn on your jersey You fucking douche Just put it on and shut up And then surprisingly, wow, right on the precipice With negative one vote

Very contentious Transphobia, which was your problem I was right, too You really predicted this week. This whole week has been fascinating. Matt Walsh has blood on his hands. He caused those deaths. He caused that

shooting. I'm really hoping we get that manifesto. What do you think it's going to say? What do you hope it says? I hope it names names. I hope it specifically names different guys. Matt Walsh? Matt Walsh would be funny.

Tim Poole? Tim Poole would be funny. Both of those guys have blood on their hands. They both are responsible for that shooting. Ben Shapiro, whoever, Jordan Peterson. Ben Shapiro's responsible for a lot of shootings. It's just so funny when those guys have to scramble and go, Well, I would...

Shooter name you. You guys caused it. You guys caused all this carnage and shootery. You caused those kids to get killed. You did. Matt Walsh and Tim Pool, you're responsible. It's one of those things where they were told at the end of time. Because you're so mean.

You go, you know, whatever they say, you can go, Yeah, but you made that kid kill all those people. No, I didn't. You said they had a mental illness, that mass, you know, whatever they say, you can go, yeah, but you made that kid kill all those people. No, I didn't. You said they were, you said they had a mental illness and you're here fucking with them. I don't go to a guy on the street who's spouting crazy stuff and has no house and doesn't shower and say, hey, fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuck you. And then he stabs me.

I'm like, why did that guy stab me? You guys said they're crazy. So I guess you shouldn't be messing with them. I don't mess with them. I have to say, as far as mass shootings go. Do you disavow? I mean, obviously I disavow, but. Do you disavow strongly enough?

Yeah, you really got to disavow this one, I guess. Well, let's hear it. It's funny that you never have to disavow it Until like a trans person does it And then all of a sudden The riot is going No no no no Now you guys have to disavow it

And you're like Yeah now you know How we feel Those guys Cause it's been just our guys Shooting people up forever Yeah it's still mostly your guys Well it's gonna be even more now

That you guys Want to get into the shooting game We're gonna find out Later in the episode As I think we're going to circle back to the problem of transphobia i've got some comments here flipping dip says listening to veto slowly walk down the road to greenland with every clown world development is pretty concerning and hilarious finish super killer veto before you run out of motivation for everything uh well that's kind of the only thing i have any motivation for

okay rando says i'll never get over the fact that he called his band timcast yeah that's uh oh man you're getting into music as i understand it you secretly posted something to facebook looking for a voice coach that my girlfriend caught yeah well i don't know if i need a voice coach but i have been secretly recording my music. Okay. I've written a song. Can you give us a preview? Not exactly, unless somebody sent it to you, which I hope they didn't.

No, no, they didn't. Oh, that's right. You're posting them sneakily to Twitter and then deleting them. Yeah, pretty much. Everyone, please, please save these. If you see Vito singing, you must save it and archive it and send it to me. I downloaded some music software. I made some little riffs.

And then a guy who is good at guitar actual playing, that was a sentence, has taken that and he's converted it into real music. And I just got to figure out how to sing it, okay? Because it's going to sound gay. Anytime you sing, like the one thing a singer you want to avoid is not sound gay And then like so like the argument. I'm having with this guy. I mean, how are you singing? No, but like he is gay yeah, that's why his music sucks. He sucks in his soul. That's why.

Well, I'm making a song that's specifically to make fun of him. And you have to let the hate cut into your heart. But then I have to sing it kind of gay like he's singing it because that's funny. As long as you feel hatred. Look, I sang for, Sean and I played in a band for seven years. Yeah. At bars. People are not kind Right

If you suck You have to really feel it You have When you're singing Even if you suck Yeah And you will suck Yeah

Because you didn't do this for a long time No As long as it matters Is that you really feel how much you hate him And it will come out Okay Also I downloaded aut-tune software So that'll help as well

That's good But they can't auto-tune The hate Vito No that's true They can't The computer can't Make the hate in there See that's the thing

Is I've been posting Little snippets And then like Some people are like This sounds cool And some people are like This sounds gay But I don't know

If they're saying It sounds gay Because the lyrics Are about how Tim Pool is a piece of shit Okay And Jordan Peterson Is you know Ripping off America's youth By forcing them To buy his stupid book So Gay because the lyrics are about how Tim Poole is a piece of shit And Jordan Peterson is ripping off

America's youth by forcing them to buy His stupid book so Guys who are saying it sounds gay you're messing this up For everyone I think by next Show I hopefully will have A recording ready To go

It's gonna be great I've been singing songs written by ChatGPT. Yeah, I saw. That's great. You've got to post that. I'm too lazy. Somebody else could clip it. Take the archive. Do they save the archive? They save the archive for like a week, right? Yeah. Pull it down. Make a separate

channel of stream archives. On Twitch, people suggest songs and then the computer writes it and then I sing it. That's cool. They suggest a lot then the computer writes it and then I sing it. They suggest a lot of songs about you. I bet they do. I think I saw a clip where you go, give me a song about how Vito won't ride a bike.

But I didn't get to see the actual song. It's a good one. The computer came up with almost as many reasons as you for why you won't ride the bike. Well, you told me the bike is rusted out now, so I can't even ride the bike. Yeah. Well, you told me the bike is rusted out now so I can't even get the bike.

Can you believe that during all your dilly-dallying a bike actually rusted shut and is now ruined? Well, it has been an ancient relic now. It's like an ancient relic now. A lot.

Yeah. We should have probably anticipated that. Thomas Rekima says, I'd like a Project Veritas to be fair veto hunting special where they get some femboy journalist who is straight but who has to do it for the job to seduce veto into saying, to be fair. There was a lot of argument over the last episode where whether or not it qualified as a true TBF.

Yeah. I maintain that there was no R, no hard R. Yeah. As I believe you know. Yeah. Some people are saying even getting into the pho territory still counts as a TBF. Yeah. So you're telling me you get on to Watts, you're perfectly happy screaming the N word

as long as there's no hard R? I was going to try it. Well, that's different. I guess I can't do that. I don't think the R matters as much as there's no hard r That's I was gonna try it Well that's different I guess I can't do that I don't think the R matters as much as you're saying it does The n-word you can't even say the first three Letters you'd get in trouble You're thinking about wanting to say it and you won't

Uh okay Alright Do we have any other bits before we Someone on reddit complained that the shows Are too top-heavy. Yeah, there's too much content on my free show that I can skip around at any fucking point by listening to it afterwards. I fucking hate you people! It's a free show.

If you think it's top-heavy, just skip along. It's not free. It's supported by other people. It's being subsidized. I'll make the show way better for you. Dick, what's your problem? Hurricanes. Okay, mine's tornadoes. What's your second problem? Your mustache hair

getting caught in the little tab on Coke cans and it pulls it out. Yeah, and mine's every time you see a knife, you want to cut off your own penis. Okay, so that's it. That's the show. There you go. That's not to hop heavy. Wow, pretty good. It didn't go too long. And best show ever. Okay, is that what you fucking want? Mustache, knife, penis.

Knife, Knife penis Okay Good ones so far We have a segment called Vote it up Alright I'm gonna play this one I haven't heard it yet

So Okay Okay Okay Is this good Let me play it Better than your average podcast You gotta vote it up

If you don't Then we pump bullets Into your family members Biggest problem in the universe Vote it up That's right Your then we pump bullets into your family members biggest problem in the universe vote it up that's right your family might be dying tonight so you better vote it up don't be a midwit you'll get hit man it's lost dick one and veto's number one don't mean to offend but vote it up moon men don't mean to offend vote it out moon, moon men. Oh, like racist people. Yeah, some people are trying harder at the stingers than others.

That was great. You could hear it, the contempt. You could hear the contempt because he felt it in his heart. Yeah, that's how to sing. That's how to get it done. Guys, put your names in the file name. Yeah, do that. So when I download it, we know who's sending in.

Whoever it was, we love you. Thanks. You really nailed it. You nailed it. Maddox Laws, Dick won. And Vito is number one. All right. Well, Dick, today's show voted up.

Got a couple things for you. Remember the problem of intellectual property laws from episode 40? I believe that was one of yours yeah well you may have heard that in an emphatic 47 page opinion federal judge john g kodal has found the internet archive infringed the copyright of four publishers by scanning and lending their books under a legally contested practice known as cdL or controlled digital lending. This means that all of the books and pamphlets and magazines that are currently scanned and accessible through the Internet Archive's lending program, as well as other online libraries, may soon go away.

I mean, they're asking for it with that. They were kind of asking for it. They were like unlimited loans. That was where they got in trouble. Not just one at a time and then they bought one. It was like, yeah, we're going to lend this out to infinity people. It's like, well, okay, me too. I also want to do that, yeah.

And I'm going to print mine out and sell them on the street corner. It's like imagine that the book was your wife's pussy. And it's easy to understand copyright why they would have a problem with what you're doing. Yeah, because they used, well, I think they went back to it, but originally it was like if somebody else is reading it, technically it's loaned out and nobody

else can read it at that point in time. It's like, put the veneer of not piracy on what you, like the local library. Yeah, it's like the library. You kind of fucking book people over. COVID happened and they're like, oh, well, we'll just make it infinite because it's cool now.

And you're like, I don't know. Why are you guys doing this? Why are you fucking up a good thing? Why did you need to do this? It's not a good idea. Okay. Oh, I'm so upset that your thing got messed up. I am so upset that your thing got messed up I am I am personally upset I mean it's been a great

Resource For myself I can no longer tell people when they go I want to read Battle Angel Alita I go well go read the good translation Which is out of print Now they have to go to the bad translation Oh yeah

Yeah so like just stuff gets lost like that It's sad Yeah I think that's going to be like a big of the bad translation. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so, like, just stuff gets lost like that. It's sad. Yeah, I think that's going to be, like, a big... That's, like, one of the best parts about the blockchain technology in the future is that... They can't stop you.

They can't overwrite history. Yeah. Like, you can't have, like, Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro writing, like, what happened in history. Yeah. You can have, like, a blockchain,

like, no, I trust this. I trust this blockchain with all the data. Yeah, but won't the government just storm the servers and kill everybody? Well, where is it hosted? You don't even know. The government's too retarded to even know where it is, Vito. That's the best part.

That's the hope. That's the hope. Well, that was intellectual property laws voted up. Another great problem from episode 42 is pussy cops, Dick. Well, and this is one I'm going to have to go on YouTube real quick. Okay. As law enforcement officers in Ohio have filed a lawsuit against rapper Afro Man, alleging he invaded their privacy by using images of them raiding his house.

Yeah. Afro Man, who had his house raided in August 2022 by officers acting on a warrant asserting probable cause for narcotics being stored and kidnappings taking place on the property. They had probable cause that Afro man had drugs? You mean to tell me that Obama had 12 years now and he couldn't give Afro man like just license to do all the drugs in the world? I think in the song he admits. He's like, well, narcotics, sure,

but kidnapping. Kidnapping. Motherfucker. Come on. Actually, go to YouTube real quick. Let's see the... Oh, great.

Here's my most fun thing is trying to do internet things on the show. And then type in Afro Man. Okay. Sorry to... Oh, look, we're live. I almost clicked on it.

Yeah. Oh, wow. That would have been interesting. Afro Man. Yeah. Will You Help Me Rep. Afro men. Yeah. Will you help me repair my door is one of two songs he's put out featuring the footage of this raid. And the law enforcement officers are saying their privacy has been invaded by this man

for daring to use the images of them falsely raiding his home. I think their assholes should get raided. I think the cops are invaded Sorry not raided I think they should be fined for this frivolous lawsuit Uh Okay Just play like a minute of it

It's the best part about an Afro man song you can play it at any point Yeah it all sounds the same the whole way through I already listened to it He talks about his kids too Why'd you have to traumatize my kids He really focuses on this one fat cop Looking at the cake he's got He's gotten better

He's gotten better I like that this is also just He just like sits around making shitty little beats Like this is terrible What's terrible about this karaoke beat. Will you help me repair my gate? Will you help me repair my door? Look at that.

Did you find what you was looking for? Will you help me repair My day and all They're breaking all this stuff This is not okay guys That is Afro Man Dealing with the pussy cops The seven law enforcement officers Are seeking all profits

Made with their image Including song revenue Music videos Merchandise sales And concert tickets I fucking hate cops man More and more The older I get

Yeah I don't want to do that With my swatting footage You should Make a nice little Music video out of it Yeah Those cops love you though

Cause I'm not dead Yeah Is that why you think that You gotta have like a Like a sign on the door That says I didn't murder my wife I love cops But that's one of those things that's like.

But I want to. But I kicked the shit out of her. I know you guys like that, right? Yeah. If you beat your wife, they'd be like, listen, we're just coming over to give you a high five. It's amazing that they can strike for more pay, but they can't strike to end drug laws. That's the way it goes. Anyway.

Well, I'm the big winner, Dick, this week. Okay. So I'll be starting us off Okay With a problem I like to call The mass shooter lotto Da da da da da There's been a shooting

Is he black? Is he white? Is he trans? Is he gay? We're gonna find out Place your bets now At second there's a mass shooting Yeah

Everybody online Is placing their bets Yeah Putting them down. Taking a risk. Goes, I'm sure it's one of those white supremacists. There you go. It's probably one of those crazy liberal nut jobs.

And then it comes out. It's a trans lady. Oh! Who bet money on that? Nobody. Oh, yeah. You lost out. Trans man, actually.

That's the rarest Variant of all That's what annoys me About it Yeah It's like well You guys are picking Like you can't just Say that

You can't say Trans men And trans women Are the same I mean I know That trans is doing A lot of work there But I feel like

If a trans woman Did a shooting You'd be like Well That's not too out of You'd let a trans lady drive your car. If a trans man walked up and you'd say, hey, you mind if I parallel park? You'd be like, well, I'm drunk, but I'm just going to do it.

I don't know about that. The point is we live in an era where everybody needs to weaponize the news to support their particular viewpoint. And there's a certain excitement in the air when a new mass shooting happens. That's great. People hoping that this will be another notch in their cap to support whatever their pet beliefs are. It's gun week, bro. It's beautiful.

It's like shark week. Remember we had that as kids? Now kids have gun week. Yeah, new shooting. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. What do we got?

What do we got? I remember. Black guy, Arab guy, please say Arab guy. They want the Arab guy. Come on, Arabs. Come on.? What do we got? I remember. Black guy, Arab guy. Please say Arab guy. They want the Arab guy. Come on, Arabs. Come on, Arabs. There was a great one where I remember it first came out. Everybody thought it was a white guy.

And then there was a switcheroo, and it turned out to be an Arab guy. They always do that. Oh, man. They always do that. What, the Arabs always do that? They tried to do that with 9-11 when it first happened. They thought it was white guys. 12 Irish guys flew into the World Trade Center.

Those angry Irish. They're like, wait a minute. The switcheroo. And they had the black box stuff going, la, la, la, la, la. Like, I don't think that's Irish. White guys can't hit those notes. Not at all. Yeah.

So you don't like that? I think it's a problem. Why? I think that if a shooting happens, maybe our first thought should not be, oh, I can use this to hammer a certain group of people. I think, if anything, you should go, well,

mental illness is a problem, and people take things too seriously, maybe. What do you mean, problem? It's causing some problems. Well, Dick, I've brought in some demographics Why don't we talk about If you're going to play the mass shooter lotto

Where to place your chips So you're most likely to Win the big prize Oh okay I can pull up some crime statistics You're welcome to bring up Your own crime statistics as well I have two strikes on YouTube now

So I need to check any strikes on this channel I don't think we're going to bring up your own crime statistics as well I have two strikes on YouTube now So I need to check any strikes on this channel I don't think we're going to get strikes From the Rockefeller Institute of Government Which defines a mass shooting As an incident of targeted violence Carried out by one or more shooters At one or more public or populated locations With multiple victims

Associated with the attack The victims and locations Are chosen either at random or for their symbolic value. Interesting. Is this like an explanation for why black guys aren't on the list? Because it's like all this other stuff? I mean, you can interpret it however you want. I was just kidding. Well, I mean, I don't think you're too far off.

Oh. The motivation of the shooting must not correlate With gang violence Cause then it's not It's not really a mass shooting You can't be a black guy They said you can't be a black guy They said it can't be associated with gang violence Then it's not

What's the Mexican word for gang Is that on there as well Black people aren't all in gangs Not all That doesn't really count. What's the Mexican word for gang? Is that on there as well? Black people aren't all in gangs. Not all. No. No one's doing fucking shootings, Art. Not always. They should be.

Well, according to that very concise definition of mass shooting. And it's not a gang violence. Which doesn't include gang violence. You should be betting on... Well... Gee, I wonder who it's going to be now. White men! 54.8%

of perpetrators were white. Can you believe it? Yeah, but you said the no gangs thing. Put your money on the whites! Look, if you're going to change, I'm just saying according to the rules. No, but you're doing the thing that you just said is bad. You're just playing

the same game. I'm just telling you if you really want to speculate, I'm not saying you should speculate, but if you're going to. Trans people. 55%. It's better than Vegas. I mean, I know you're like Mr. Stocks guy, but you know that past performance is no indicator of future performance.

You know that. It's not like a rule at that table. You've got to look at what's happening now. And that is Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh and Tim Pool are picking on people that they say are mentally unstable, and they're making them kill people. That's what's happening. And they're just getting bigger Because they're so talented

At orating At oration Yeah, that's why And they're so smart There's no stopping them Because they're so clever And they have so much support That they're only going to go

They're only going to make more trans people Trans men freak out It's possible Trans men I was saying I think we should Why doesn't somebody establish a betting website where you can bet on what the next mass shooting will be?

Can you imagine? I got 100 bucks on me. What are my odds? If you would bet $10 on a trans man, you would have won the house. You would have shut the whole thing down. It's unprecedented. Do you think that she was molested at that Catholic school?

It's a speculative thing. Doesn't that make sense? Like, women don't really Go around doing mass shootings Women have at least A little bit in common With trans men, right? I don't want to get

Too deep into this Why? Well, I think she Well, she was molested, right? And then what? If she was molested It's in her Well, she still killed

A bunch of kids The kids didn't molest her Maybe they did That's the problem With shooting up a school Is like, come on, go shoot adults at least. Yeah, but they have guns everywhere else. That's true. That's the problem. And everybody gets all upset when you shoot kids.

Yeah, I guess you get more. So what are you going to like? Yeah, but then if you're trying to get. Are you going to bring your wife flowers the day after Valentine's Day? See, this is why we need the manifesto. Because if you're trying to accomplish political aims You're really shooting Yourself in the foot By shooting these kids

In the head Alright You gotta shoot No one's gonna Identify with you Your manifesto comes out And you go You guys gotta be nicer

To trans people They're gonna go No cause you shot A bunch of kids I'm not gonna do that No but sometimes Less is more Like if you

Like Christopher Dorner's Manifesto made him Look like a joke If he just died Yeah And then we're like Wow why did Christopher Dorner flip out like that What a mysterious and Enigmatic individual Enigmatic black man

Now he's like thinking about Celine Dion And stuff in his letters Like what a lunatic He really fucking blew it The cops drove him insane With their craziness You should also be betting, Dick, on... I gave you a drumroll.

Men! 95.7% of all shootings. Men are getting it done, including in this instance, a brave... Well, not brave. A man stormed into... I'm going gonna watch my words We don't support the shooter It's just interesting

Stop speaking for me You can say I don't support the shooter You don't support the shooter either And I'm declaring that now Because if you support the shooter we're in big trouble I Stop it Also if you're gonna bet on If you're gonna bet on age Dick trouble. Stop it.

Also, if you're going to bet on age, Dick, what do you think is the average age of a mass shooter? Everybody says that if they had a time machine, they would kill baby Hitler. But what do you think that would look like? Stop it. If you get

to baby Hitler, you got to kill all the other babies first, right? Just to make sure. You think baby Hitler's not going to have baby Gehring and fucking baby Eichmann with him? Wop, wop, wop, wop. What was the question? What is the age of the average mass shooter? Probably like 26. Go a little higher. 27.

I like a bit more higher. 33.2. That's a rough year. That's the year Jesus died, too. Did Jesus die at 33? Yeah, thank God they got him out. Got him early. Well, guys, all I know is the next time

there's a mass shooting and you feel like you gotta get on social media and play the ponies, you really gotta, you should be betting on white men. Dick thinks, though, trending trans people might be joining in. You might do an outside bet. Well, you know, do a side bet, side pot.

Yeah. You don't like, but you don't like the game of what was their race and like, what are they all about? I think that's a very important part of like American politics. It's like boom in your face. You're responsible for those murders, you idiot. I think the fist jackass, the idea that a mass shooting happens and a bunch of us start fist pumping like, yeah, that's right. I fucking told you.

Well, everything else is is everything else is built around that concept Like I can't call anyone slurs Or say women are fat Because like It will make them go crazy And kill themselves Like oh wow So if one of them goes and kills people It's like oh well Maybe they should kill themselves then

Even as somebody who did not want Trump to become president I remember when he was elected Laughing And smiling And going I told you, I fucking told you all. And none of you would listen to me. What would you tell them?

I would tell them he's gonna win. Like nobody likes Hillary. She's a dumb bitch. And also you leftists are annoying the shit out of everyone with your stupid progressive bullshit and turning everyone insane and against us forever. Yeah. And they're like, it's her time. And I'm like, okay, all your polls say she's got it.

And then I'm watching TV. I was in, I was at a blank Angus steakhouse for happy hour and eating some chicken wings. Yeah. When it comes in, Trump is the projected winner or whatever. And I'm like, fucking, I fucking knew it. And none of you believe me. So I guess it is the same with the school shooter thing is you don't, you don't approve of the shooter.

Obviously none of us approve of Trump becoming president, which was a terrible thing that happened, but you are happy to have been proven right. How are you feeling about Trump these days? Uh, I see a lot of these these guys falling out of love with him. I don't get it. I don't really care. I would vote for him again just because he's so funny. He's less funny now.

Yeah, he's a little bit less funny. COVID, he fucked up a lot of stuff. I just don't think I don't think there's any chance of winning because you got to steal you got to steal it. I don't know if you have to steal it.

Well, yeah, you can't do like they got all the ballot harvesting down. You'll probably be able to vote by text by the time. Yeah. Running again.

They're going to have to get dirty. And the one thing I know about conservatives is they're just like all they want to do is learn the rules and play by the rules and talk about their

wives so I just don't really see that winning elections so you know action will be stolen is what I'm being told well yeah okay what do you mean sure alright is it my turn it's your turn great government firewalls great government firewalls goodness Great government firewalls. Goodness gracious. Great walls of fire. The Restrict Act. Did you see that?

That disaster that's coming out. Is that the thing with TikTok? Yeah. We're going to ban TikTok. Are we actually going to ban TikTok? Is that confirmed? Well, the law doesn't say that we're banning TikTok for some reason. It says that anything under the terms of the bill, someone has to engage in sabotage or subversion of communication technology in the U.S. causing catastrophic effects on U.S. critical infrastructure interfering in or altering the result of a federal election.

Oh, that's the bad one. Or in order for criminal impact to the country's infrastructure, sabotage or subversion, interference and manipulations of federal elections. Keep in mind, Ricky Vaughn just got convicted of election suppression for posting a meme that you can vote by text. Did he get a, what did he get for a charge for that? He hasn't been sentenced yet. Oh, no sentence yet? This is posting a picture, right?

Yeah. So that's what qualifies for election suppression. What do you mean, well? You shouldn't post pictures? I'll post whatever the fuck picture I want. Well, if the picture contains dangerous election misinformation, that could disenfranchise voters. Black voters?

Possible voters of any stripe. Do you think Ricky Vaughn should be convicted of election suppression for posting a picture that says you can vote by text, go home? I think you could get a stern warning.

You know, if he kept it up, maybe we could go, hey, we're going to fine you, buddy. For saying, don't go vote? For saying, hey, retards? He didn't say. The voting booths are full of poison. Don't go in there. That should probably be illegal, yeah. Why?

Because that's. The voting booths are full of poison. Voting is gay. That's fine. If you go in there, everyone is going to call you gay. People would rather be dead than be called gay. All right. You can still say that.

What is your fucking problem? That you think saying voting... You can vote by text. Don't go vote. It's full of poison. That voting booth is there. It's full of poison. That's a little. That voting booth is there? It's full of poison.

No, I don't think that's legal. Don't go in there. Jail. Do you think you deserve to go to fucking jail for that? I don't think he deserves jail. I think he made a little joke. Obviously, you know, they took it a little seriously and I get it. Who's they?

Who's they? The government. Because if somebody did that on like, you're the one talking about election stealing and manipulation. Yeah. So if Biden, you know, spent all his money to go into like Republican, you know, counties and tell them the wrong voting date, that would be fine. Well, yeah.

No. Why? Because that's clearly. It's retarded. Anyone who falls. I think there should be snipers at every voting booth faking you out with blanks. And then I would run in, I voted! A bunch of lasers, like, and a bunch of false flag actors.

After six, okay, I was just kidding. I was fucking with people. So you don't want that to happen. No, I don't think there should be false flags. Why? Why are you defending retarded people voting who don't know the day of voting? It's not picking up your trash. Well, it's not that they don't know the

day of voting. It's that somebody has told them the wrong date. And they're too lazy to go figure it out. Well, if everybody was saying the different dates, then how would you know which one's the right one? Oh, no. We might have a total retard running the country then if that were to happen. Oh, Jesus. Everybody manages to figure out when Ant-Man is premiering.

Okay? What if they lied about that? Do you think one fucking JPEG on Twitter is going to... That's why I'm saying it was a one-time thing. I think you should get a slap on the wrist. But you do have to say you can't do that I get why they're doing that He's just a guy

I thought you were a free speech absolutist That's a limit to free speech Free speech has limits within the government Not in absolutism it doesn't Yes it does What is it then? There are common sense limits to free speech That if they would endanger the public safety in a like very

uh whatever way or undermine you know democracy what well like go through those one at a time there's a lot of stuff you gotta go through the first one that prep time safety well like the classic i mean obviously if you use this example everybody tells you that example is wrong but let's use the example regardless Well you can use whatever you want If I go into a theater and I say There's a mass shooter, everybody run Everybody is screaming, everybody's stumbling over each other

Hilarious Breaks their legs, trying to get away from a non-existent shooter That I invented You're on candid camera everybody It's not a prank Look at that It's not a prank Look at that It's not a harmless prank It causes

Well no pranks are harmless Okay but it could lead to It's a genuine It's a genuine public safety concern To cause a panic And a riot And a whatever else Why?

Because people could get hurt Running away from the situation People could get hurt People get hurt on Black Friday Hey we've got two Nintendos for sale At ten bucks Illegal How come the Fire one is verboten

But the Nintendos are on sale Is fine I think you could make the argument that if you put up Nintendos for sale and don't provide a safe Store or you don't have like a Appropriate line It's not a free speech issue But someone could sue you for getting

hurt in your store if you don't facilitate it correctly because of liberals do you know where that fire in the theater came from uh no do you want to know i think i did at one point refresh my memory um some people were protesting the war yeah i think world war ii they're saying there shouldn't be a draft. You can't just take people and send them to go get killed. Sure. They're protesting it. And they got dragged in by the police.

And the Supreme Court, I think, ruled against them. And they said, well, yeah, you can't protest because that hurts the country. Like, you can't go into a theater and yell fire. And before then, everyone's like, well, yeah, you could do that. What are you talking about? So that guy trying to send more young people to die came up with that same dumb reason that you did. There's other reasons. And I'm not prepared for a full free speech debate.

Anyway. All right. I think that you, as the the government can say you can't publish incorrect voting information you know that's the first amendment the first amendment also says again you can't like put out a bottle this is delicious candy and it just contains razor blades inside it okay you can't do stuff like that that is a common sense exception to free speech you can't sell children razor blades And label them M&M's

Like you just can't do it You should be able to No you should not be able to There's no re Why? What is the benefit of being allowed to sell Secretly trick children into buying razor blades? What is the benefit of making it illegal?

The benefit of making it illegal is that Kids don't accidentally buy poison and kill themselves. Do you think that there's a big bucket, that there's like a big conspiracy to sell kids razor blades disguised as, is this a money-making business for you? Some people don't want to make money, Dick. Some people just want to trick children into eating razor blades. They're still doing that. Well, thankfully, when to do it either way.

when they do it, we can put them behind bars for causing a problem. We don't need a food and drug administration law to do that. Yes, we do. It's just fucking murder. It's not murder.

The kid bought the razor blades themselves. I didn't force him to eat the razor blades. They did that. That's why you need a law. Okay? That says you expressly have to label your products fairly and you can't lie and whatever go on like they wouldn't do that anyway it doesn't matter

whatever okay undermining the democratic process to steer policy and regulatory decisions in favor of the strategic objectives of a foreign adversary to the detriment of the national security of the United States. So Israel's not a foreign adversary, so they're immune from this, right? Yeah, that's fine. It's just like your gang thing. Good. It'd be unlawful for anybody to... Did you just call Israel a gang, Dick?

No. Good. It's called a cabal. It's a cabal. Civil penalties of a million bucks 20 years in prison So the government can Look at any device Connected to the internet

With this law And any website And if you're trying to Do any of these things Which we know right now People are going to jail For even a couple of these Yeah, if you get if you get if they want to go after you for doing them. It's a million bucks

20 years in jail VPNs Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. It's a it's a big fight. It's a Patriot Act for the Internet. Yeah, and everyone's too dumb to stop it Especially Congress. Yeah. Well, they're busy arguing about shootings. How'd the Patriot Act go? Are you happy with that one? You don't like that one, right? Some arguments in favor of certain aspects of the Patriot Act.

I mean, what are you going to do? All these terrorists are fucking everywhere. You just, well, nothing. You do nothing. You just well Nothing you do nothing You just let the terrorism happen Yeah in fact You maybe agree with it I don't agree with that

Do you let TikTok happen You let little kids go on TikTok and do their Get groomed That's all they're doing on TikTok They're just looking at videos Oh it's so weird whenever i post a video of me dancing i get a billion views oh boy oh that's why youtube had the think of the children arguments all of this shit this is like the worst arguments oh well those

kids because if i tell you to worry about retarded adults you're gonna say who gives a shit about them you gotta go to kids about kids either I don't give a shit about kids either. Well, most people don't have sympathy for adults, but if you put a child into the situation, all of a sudden, they start to care. The act would give the government power to scrutinize any technology from internet hosting services to satellite payloads to mobile apps, as long as they're used by more than a million people. So bye-bye rumble. Oh, more than a million people. Interesting bye-bye rumble. More than a million people.

Interesting. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Alternative. As long as they don't get rid of pornography, that's all I worry about. Are they coming after my pornography? Yeah, they're coming after your stable diffusion, probably.

If they come after stable diffusion, I'm in big trouble. Stable diffusion probably If they come out for stable diffusion I'm in big trouble And anyone who's caught Anything that's designed or intended To evade or circumvent The application of this act was also Covered Can't we

Just move to Mars And set up all the internet there Well but you're gonna do the same Shit that you're doing here with our internet at Mars. No, we'll kill you if you try to fuck with it. Mars is going to be like... Why do you suddenly become libertarian on Mars? Because Mars is a different planet. It's like if you move to Mars, you know the rules

of Mars. It's Martian law. You know, if you don't want to... Why can't we have Martian law here? Well, because it's not Mars. You can't... Why are you worried about kids here and you're not on Mars? Because it's Mars. It's a whole other thing. It's like Mars You can't Why are you worried about kids here But you're not on Mars Cause it's Mars

It's a whole other thing It's like you know Like the wild west You do whatever you want You know here are like the rules And you play by the rules And if you wanna fuck around You go to Mars

Yeah yeah I think that's fair We should have two societies We should have this lawless Wild west bullshit We have two societies Sure And half of the people

Should be flung into space Because they're psychopaths And then I'll visit there on vacation Or just stream porn from there That's all I care about Don't move there and start voting You ruin it Yeah you can't

This shit You can't vote on earth law from Mars That's how the wars start Uh huh No no No taxation without representation Okay That's how the wars start uh-huh no no no taxation without representation okay that's what the martians will be saying that's my problem great firewalls we're gonna believe we're gonna be living in one soon yeah all this is gone i think it'll be good i'm

excited for it speaking of martian law dick and the wild west of pornography that it will be one thing i think they will have on mars is good virtual reality pornography okay because my problem is bad virtual reality pornography yeah it's bad it's bad it's bad why are we not putting our top men on this in 1950 whatever the fuck we sent man to the moon. Yeah. 1970, we built a robot army, which we had to dismantle because it was too powerful. Okay. Too smart. What was that?

In 1990, we resurrected Hitler. Okay. We put him in the body of a dog and let him run around. Why are we not putting our top men on this? On these problems? The problem of virtual reality pornography. Facebook? I'll give you a, I'll give you a.

Because they're not letting anybody do porn stuff on it, are they? Not really. Here's the problem with VR. The technology adoption is not happening. People are not buying the VR headsets. I have a news article for you. Sony's PlayStation VR 2 is reportedly off to an underwhelming start with the VR headset expected to only sell 270,000

units by the end of March. Yeah. Sony was looking to produce 2 million of the PSVR 2 units by the end of March, though consumers are not adapting to the technology. Yeah. The headset which sits at $550 is made more pricey by the additional $500

cost of the PlayStation 5. Currently 42 games available Including Horizon Gran Turismo And Resident Evil Village It looks fun I was looking at it today I was looking at some of the games

I'm like yeah it'd be fun To drive a car It'd be fun to shoot some zombies But you know what else would be fun? To have a little Japanese woman That I can shove into a virtual bed And rape the motherfucking shit out of her While she goes Oh senpaiimo, oh, look at you.

Like, that's all I want. That's all anyone wants, right? Yeah. And the second you did that, to be clear, she would be of virtual age. She would be, you know, let's be. Okay, well. I mean, some people don't want that. I don't know.

It doesn't matter They're all virtual But if they did that, I would buy the virtual reality headset Yeah I know I've talked about this problem before But like, I'm the guy who should have a virtual reality headset You're the guy who should have a virtual reality headset Yeah, which one do you have?

I've watched porn on it, the Oculus whatever Well, I've seen the porn they have available for it Because sometimes I'll be torrenting porn And it's like Here's the virtual reality one And then they have You know I see what it is

It's like two images And you can look around Or whatever Yeah it's cool Left eye right eye It's cool but it's a little odd It's just like too It's too much work

To put that giant headset on And then if you If you turn all the way around You see the camera And the camera guy Nah I kind of like like is like chopped out Blurred out Oh, does it chop out?

Like it's just black behind you? Yeah, because it's They only do They only film it like that Yeah They don't film themselves Well, I heard there's like some 360 ones Where you spin around

Probably It's like blurred out But you can tell it's a camera guy And you're like, yeah, god damn it I don't think we're quite I think we'll get there I just think you're jumping no no no no no no no because they're not investing in it they're wasting all their time facebook has invested so much money in the fucking metaverse why billions of dollars where all you need to do is develop one japanese

sex woman who screams at your penis in realistic, you know, and recognizes you when you walk in the door. Right, right. Yeah. No, I understand what you're saying. And the technology would immediately, everyone would buy a headset. This is just now happening. So there's a guy I recently started following. It's like waifu.

Yeah. following it's like waifu no something who's building an an augmented reality uh slave wife yeah that you can you can configure her brain with like different logic personality i wouldn't call them logic blocks a woman with different sorts of personality traits issues um and it's pretty good yeah but it's gonna take a lot of these types of guys Who are dedicated to it But that's what I'm saying This shouldn't be a hobbyist thing This should be like a top men situation

Our top scientists should be on this Yeah, but you can't make You can't make the kind of thing that you want By committee It has to be one guy Like the TV Like the quest in the first place It's gotta come from love

All I know Dick Is that we talk about The classic adoption of technology Yeah And it all stems from pornography Did you know that pornography Is the reason Super 8 film Became standardized

I didn't know that one In 1958 Young British photographer Harrison Marks Began making 8mm short films Of women undressing And posing topless Which soon made the Super 8 format Carson Marks began making 8mm short films of women undressing and posing topless,

which soon made the Super 8 format the de facto standard for the film and porn industry. Then, of course, Betamax said no to pornography on beta. We will not allow it. And people said, time for VHS, and VHS takes over. I don't know if that's true. I thought that, too. I don't know if that's technically true. It's not the only problem, but it's one of the many problems. I just don't want to read that comment from someone on YouTube.

Another big problem is I think a Betamax player was three times the cost of a VHS player. Oh. So that's a big problem. But I will say- I'll pay three times for porn. A lot like- Did you ever know guys who like- I mean, I didn't know those guys but

I don't know how to put it just like People who bought VHS Porn addicts Bought like insane amounts of VHS porn Yeah like growing up We didn't own like video tapes We had a couple that we had gotten like maybe Like whatever and like some stuff we had taped off the TV

Yeah I think the people buying VHS It was like would buy Hundreds of fucking VHS tapes. Artie Lang would run up like thousands of dollars in pay-per-view in his hotel rooms with stupid porn. Just sitting around watching porn. Weird. In 2001, Dick, there were 70,000 adult websites. Today, there's 4.2 million pornographic websites. What has made the internet more popular

than pornography and of course even now i mean nobody's buying hd dvds or blue blu-rays but still sony got porn on blu-ray first and it completely revitalized and made them the defect are fine with all this ubiquitous porn around you don't care about kids then It's just when it's like politics and you want to fuck over me. I don't think kids should be allowed on the internet at this point. Okay. Oh, my God. How are you going to stop them? Dude, it's, oh.

If you're hanging out on Twitter, remember, did I tell you all those teenagers got mad at me? Because I took some ladies. Stole it. You stole art. Yeah stole I stole art yeah for a thumbnail that's funny that's funny it was funny and then all the kids were mad at me yeah but then I was like you know like I'm like who are these kids who are mad at me and I would check it and it's like 16 non-binary neurodivergent furry slut and I'm like Jesus Christ it's 16 and like all these kids are psychop- well I mean

come on what are you- when did you get your dick when you turned 24? uh there's I do think the republic or whatever it is the conservatives they're like we have to ban this stuff from the libraries and I'm like oh yeah the kids are looking at it in the library the kids are like

when I program my computer to kill you you fuck pornography is the only reason I know about computers at all I'm like hmm Kids are like, when I program my computer to kill you, you fuck. The idea that like. Pornography is the only reason I know about computers at all. I'm like, hmm. I just don't. I know there's pornography out here. I don't get it that they're like, well, if we take it out of the high school library,

surely this degeneracy will end. And I'm like, oh, you guys have no idea what these kids are doing on Twitter and fucking Instagram. They don't even know how computers work, man. No. They're asking the TikTok CEO, like, so can TikTok access, like, my home network? The guy's like, I don't even know, man. I don't know what you want.

That's the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard in my life. Fuck you. I wish they would just let loose on these guys. Yeah, just tell them they're fucking idiots. Are you a fucking idiot? What are you talking about? In what way? How many of me do you see up

here how many fingers am i holding up god damn that's the dumbest question since the other bitch asked a stupid question point is dick i think virtual reality is an exciting technology i kind of want to get a headset but then there's still the part of me that's like well what if i buy a headset now it's not worth it yet and then a a month later, some guy goes, oh, I've invented Sayuki West. Yeah. The Japanese porn ninja who rubs your dick raw, but it's only available on the Hayaki 9000. Oh, I bought the Hayaki 7000. Fuck.

This is like no flying cars, but not as good, this problem. No, this problem is way better. Because this is going to. Because I don't want a flying car. I want a Japanese sex robot that does everything I say. I would much rather have that. What are you going to tell her to do? Why does she have to be Japanese? Because, you know.

It's the superior Nihongo dialect. What? What does that mean? Nihongo just means Japanese. Oh, Nihongo? Nihon is the country. It's not Japanese. Nihongo? That means Japanese? Nihon is the country. It's not Japan.

Nihon. They say Nihon? They don't call their country Japan. Is that Nippon? Is that how they spell it? You're not supposed to say that anymore. Well, is that how it's spelled? You can't even pronounce that that way?

I think you can. Okay. It used to be N-I-P-P-O-N, but I think it's... They've changed it to Nihon? It's always been Nihon. Like Mexico? Nihon is the Japanese name For Japan And their language is

Nihongo Okay The way they would say English Would be Igo But The way they say Mexican VR porn is like

It's whatever No it's not whatever It messes up your eyes Kind of And then when you come You're like Now I gotta take all this Fucking equipment off and like

charge it it's just too much man you know what I'm gonna tell you you're dating your jack off machine instead of just like boop close all close the incognito window hopefully it doesn't store or whatever it's just so much work you haven't talked to me in two weeks

master son pull it off your head yeah they gotta fix all that too. But I'd put up with that. If again, Miss Sayuki went, oh, hello, my son. Did you get one of those replica sex bots when they came out? Did you ever get one of those? It was like an app that you could talk to. Oh, no, I haven't tried that.

It's too late. Oh, wait, no, I've tried some. Oh, wait, did they get rid of that? They got rid of the sex part. There's some website where you can role play with various things created by people. But they always, no, no, no. It's like. It's a trick site.

I mean, they're programmed by men. No, it's not guys. It's a trick site. It's Indian men. No, because it always gets trapped in like a loop where it's like. So to Indian men. She's lowering herself onto your penis. I'm like, all right, all right.

It's like her vagina is now six inches away from your penis. I'm like, okay, here it comes. And then it's like, her vagina is now four inches away from your penis. I'm like, okay, here it comes. And then it's like, her vagina is now four inches away from your penis. I'm like, what the fuck? And it's just trapped in this loop of like, now it's 3.25 inches away from, I'm like, just fucking sit on my dick already. Like a paradox. Yeah.

And you can't, yeah, the chat bot doesn't know how to advance from there. Yeah. I'll tell you what I'm going to do with my virtual sex wife dick though. I'm going to tell her to pee on my face. There's your intro. Go. Okay. My problem is piss phobes there you go see i set you up yeah um guys who are like uh don't want their faces peed on by beautiful japanese women it's like guys that are that have like a part of their personalities that like they can't pee next to the same urinals. You, they're like,

well, dude, that's like, you need like six urinals between me. If there's two and they share that dumb image of like, here's proper using the urinal. Where did you encounter this? Uh,

on the suggested problems this week, like guys who piss right next to you And look at your penis Like I'm just so tired Of hearing about The proper peeing etiquette I don't fucking care Well somebody brought up A good problem Or a good point recently

Is that the big thing That people keep saying With uh Like trans bathrooms Is like What if What if a woman sees a penis Or whatever right

And I'm like I've been in a lot of men's bathrooms And I have not I have not seen a lot of penises. No. You gotta go looking for the penis. I don't even see the penis when I'm at, like, the trough at Dodger Stadium because everyone's so fucking fat.

What do they think they're doing in there? Doing, like, a fucking wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man penis? No, you... Oh, yeah! Party time! You get up close. You're my own dick. I don't think you get. It's like. Yeah, I'm not looking at it.

Get the fuck away from me. I know where it is. Guys have this performative need to, like, make instructions about peeing. It just really annoys me. I think your problem is homophobia, dick. No, it's piss phobia. It's not gay. It sounds like they're worried about, ooh, what if someone sees my dick?

They just want to turn peeing into like a sport. Yeah. Like, okay, you get two piss points if you leave one urinal, every urinal between you and another guy is six piss points. Like, man, I just got a lot of stuff to think about. When I go to the bathroom, I don't want to have to think about if I accidentally lost any piss points Yeah for my for the piss ball that we're having later tonight I'm always thinking about is somebody gonna think I'm weird if I don't take off my shirt before I poop because apparently that's a thing now

Yeah, I do that. Yeah, I don't do that. Why not? I'm in my don't do it in my house Airport restroom, I'm not gonna take my shirt off to poop not? Don't do it in my house. Do it in like an airport restroom. I'm not going to take my shirt off to poop. I'm not trying to convince you to do it, but it's comfortable. How is it any more comfortable than leaving it on?

Because you don't have to worry about it getting in the falling down and getting poop water on it or falling in the front. Do you wear really long shirts? I guess my shirts aren't that long. Yeah, here, let me untuck it. I'll show you. I guess, yeah. I don't tuck my shirt. Mine go down to below my knees. That's all my sh- Pissphobes.

Pissphobes. So this is- Yeah, yeah, yeah. They go into the stall sometimes. Yeah, to avoid- I gotta go into the stall so I can- So somebody doesn't see my dick. I got a whole ritual Who knows?

They're just They have this fucking Bizarre phobia of piss I think there should just be a big circular drain In the middle of the room And you just come in And you just pull your pants down And just piss on the floor

Yeah, that would be fine That'd be fun I think there should be like a string hanging over it That you could try to hit Remember sword fights as kids? How we used to sword fight with piss? No. No, no. Poof. Me either. But you could imagine

how fun it would be if we could just have it back. Like lightsabers? You didn't have that? No, there wasn't a lot of dick play when I was a child. It's not dick play. It's piss play. You're not playing with your dick. And your friend's dick. You're literally playing with your dick. You're not playing with your dick. And your friend's dick. You're not playing with your friend's dick.

Although there is some sort of a rule of who loses. I don't remember how you lost, but you did lose. And then certain punishments were enacted upon you. No, that was it. It all stays on the battlefield. Dick lost at lightsaber fights. Now he gets a P.I. on his face. I don't know why. We need to have all these rules

That's clearly not working Because we've been having them for like 10 years now Of that fucking urinal etiquette That's so funny I thought you were going to talk about more like people who are Squeamish about piss You know What do you mean?

I brought in the problem of public urination laws, and I said, why can't we just pee anywhere? And everyone's like, that's gross. That is gross. No, it's not gross. That would be utopia. But it's fine if you're... I should just be able to piss in the aisles at the store.

I shouldn't even have to go there. You have a weird thing. I don't want to sound like a piss phobe. All right, well, that's my problem. I'm walking around at to go. You have a weird thing. I don't want to sound like a piss phobe. All right. Well, that's my problem. I'm walking around at Target and I got a piss. I should just be able to pull my pants down. You want like a trough down the middle, like at the zoo? No, there should be a guy who's going around all day looking for pee puddles at the Target and cleaning them up. There is a guy that does that. Yeah, but he's mostly dealing with the homeless. They get really mad if you have money and you do it for some reason.

What are the odds that you're going to be homeless one day? Pretty high. I don't think zero. I don't think zero. Non-zero. Oh, man, you have no idea. I'm going to be homeless. Okay, what are our problems?

Yours was in case you see a knife cutting your penis off. Mine was cutting your mustache and the tab on the Diet Coke. Mass shooter lottos. Mass shooter lottos. Mass shooter lottos. Lack of good VR porn. Lack of good VR porn. Mine were the great government firewall. Maybe I should just say internet firewalls.

Internet. No, because it's like. I thought your personal firewall was good. Yeah, great government. Just put government firewalls. Internet. Nah, because it's like... I like your personal firewalls. Great. Yeah, great government. Just put government firewalls. I don't know. Government firewalls. All right.

Government. Put the government doesn't want me to interfere with elections. And for some reason, that's a problem. God forbid. Piss fobs. I love that you guys are all about election integrity. And then a guy shows up and he goes, I want to publish incorrect voting dates. And you're like, well, yeah, that's cool.

Election integrity by the government. Okay. The government has to count. Citizens should be allowed to hack the voting machines and change the votes. They, yes. Okay. Yeah. Well, it's a crime.

Right. It's a crime. That's the point. It's not a crime to say. No, it's not a crime to go steal the votes from the government. You can't take them, but you can say, hey, it's not a crime to go steal the votes from the government. You can't take them, but you can say, hey, don't go in there. It's full of

bees. Should it be a crime for me to go to somebody and say, if you vote for Trump, I'm gonna fucking kill you and your entire family? Yeah. That should be a crime. No, no, no. That should be fine. Oh, that's fine. It's fine. Okay. Well, that's what they're saying anyway. If you don't vote for Biden, Trump's gonna

All this white supremacy is gonna kill you I'm gonna get a billboard If you don't vote for Trump I'll kill you If you vote for Trump I'll kill you We have a registry and we're gonna go around and kill your family They said that They basically said that

They said we're gonna have a big list If you say if you vote for Trump I'm'm going to kill you, that's fine. Because I will fucking, as soon as you turn around, you're dead. That's also fine. Like, well, he thought he was going to kill him. So. Yeah, all right. Guess he shouldn't have said that.

Fair enough. What can I do? Do you think the Boston Tea Party was terrorism? I think by its definition, probably. So, yes. Yeah. Okay. Do you support those guys?

Yeah. Why do you say it so, like, carefully? Well, yeah, I support the Boston Tea Party. Okay. Just checking. I mean, it was terrorism, though, but that's why it was effective. Okay. Look, I'm not saying all terrorism is bad.

Huh. Huh. You know. Okay. Just if it has to work. If someone insults your God, I mean, you gotta get retribution. Unless it's bad music. Yeah.

Okay. There you go. All right. Go to biggestproblem.show to vote. And don't forget to listen to the bonus episode of Biggest Problem in Mario, now available at patreon.com slash biggestproblem and back to dot buy slash biggestproblem. Okay, here we go. Well, I figured out what the biggest problem in the universe is.

It's back-popping blue balls. Ah. I got this fucking one spot in my back that won't pop, and it's like this pressure. Like you go and you try and stretch it and do everything. You try and have somebody pop your back and everywhere. But that one spot. So you try your best.

You feel like it's a, it's a, you're like, Oh God, nope. You can't get that extra 16th of an inch of movement to get it to pop. It's been like that for fucking ever. This is a present that we don't get.

The problem about that is if I want somebody to pop it professionally, it's $125. And if you go in there and say, I just want you to pop my back, they look at you like a fucking retard and say, we're going to give you this whole, I'm a chiropractor, so if you want my snake oil, you're going to give you this whole, I'm a chiropractor, so if you want my snake oil, you're going to have to go through this weeks of process, and we're going to have to really

evaluate you. You're a fucking back popper, and you know it, you motherfucker. So that's it. I'm just going to feel like I've got this fucking part of my back that'll never, ever fucking pop. Yeah, I hate that too. I have no idea what this guy's talking about.

What'd you get there? We got a present. I believe it's awake. Those are the sides. That must be the back. It may be compressed when it first comes out of the bag. Looks pretty good. Uh... Hey, JK Vito. I think one of the biggest problems in the universe

is the censoring of comments. Looks pretty good! Well, your glasses should go on over the hair. You know, it rubs you the wrong way. You can't even... Even if the person who posted the video is saying something completely false, completely stupid,

it's just dumb, it's bad, you can't even say, that bad. You can't even say that sucks. You can't even comment that sucks. That's it. It goes, oh! I want guidelines, and our TOS says um... Alright, alright. I hate that, too. What do you think?

It's pretty good. It looks pretty good. Now you're a trans man. Now you're a trans man. Now I'm a trans man. I'm a trans man. Wait, let me hear some.

Do I have this on right? Write a song in the style of Elvis Presley about being a trans man. Give me a song about my people. It's giving you words there. Well, I'm a man, but I wasn't born that way. I had to fight to be the man you see today. I knew

deep down from a young age that my body didn't match the person on the page. So I made a choice to live my truth. And though it's been tough, it's been worth the pursuit. I face discrimination and hate. But I won't let that stop me from being great.

Oh, Lordy. I turned my penis inside out. And that's what I'm all about. No, wait, that would be the other way around. Took a swash of my skin. Rolled it round and stuck it in. Come on, baby. Wow.

Now I'm a man. Well, Jailhouse Rock MIDI. Hold on. Jailhouse Rock Karaoke Karaoke Track

Oh thank you Thank you dear I'm happy to be a man Okay here's the lyrics Man I was all that way Had to fight to be The man you see today Okay, here's the lyrics. I'm a big hot, I use them both to make a change You're the one that trans man, ain't that strange Come on, I may, see me on the street, you gotta be afraid I'm just a man, living my life, I won't let anyone dim my light I'm a trans man, rockin' on a trans man

Doin' everything I can, Pissing out a can. I'm a trans man. Come on, baby. Here we go. I'm out of lyrics here. All right. All right. Very good.

Thank you. Thank you, sir. Good song. Rock and roll. That's what's in my heart. Good songwriting from me. Yeah, you really founded some lyrics there. I wrote

those. You wrote those. Really speaks to my experience. Alright. I'm dropping this character. That's gonna get me canceled. That was great. Okay. Here's something about you don't get credit Oh

You know what's the biggest problem in the universe is? Vito doesn't get enough credit I've seen all these fucking YouTube videos And news stories about ghost kitchens And how you're paying for shit That's coming from Fridays or whatever Vito brought that shit in in episode 23 Episode 23

He was on top of this before all of them And you think anybody's gonna mention Vito Gisvaldi Hell no Ghost kitchens are shit Funko pops are shit I called all this stuff I know the future of this country I know what's going wrong

There's another guy that says compliment. Is this supposed to hang down? No, it's supposed to go up like a rooster. I think they're supposed to style this thing. They're both supposed to go straight up. Here, come here. It's supposed to be like this. Like something about Mary.

Oh, yeah. Like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go. Now you're looking good Good golly Good golly Do you hear about that shooting? What about the shooting? Taking care of business right?

Taking care of business Can't keep a good man down Now I don't know about Shooting those little ones but You know us trans people Are facin' a lot of repression Out there How do you know

They were even kids though Might've been demons Yeah All I know is men like Matt Walsh And uh Ben Shapiro We don't take a kindly

To that kind of talk About us folks Oh yeah No sir What about the day Of retribution I know that's The trans day of revenge Is that's The trans day of revenge

Is coming up The trans day of vengeance Is coming upon us Yeah We're gonna open up A big pile A portal to hell And cast all you demons

Into hell That's cool Not only the trans folk What are you guys gonna do When we're all gone? Party mostly A lot of orgies And such

What if Dress up in our furry costumes And have a big parade We're all gone. Party mostly. A lot of orgies and such. What if. Dress up in our furry costumes and have a big parade. What if you have kids that don't want to switch genders? Is that going to be a problem? Oh. Well, it's not a bridge we want to cross, but. Oh, just chop it off. They'll see the light.

Yeah. You turn it inside out, you chop it off they'll see the light yeah you turn it inside out you chop it off everybody has a good time that's when you have good music i'm getting so canceled for this all right here we go yeah veto's problem about servers or waitresses was such a fucking good problem man i used to work at a restaurant and i made it 18 bucks an hour and then i made about three dollars an hour tip that's what they would tip out to the back wow yeah but a lot of the guys i was working with were making minimum wage right so it's 15 bucks an hour but the servers also made minimum wage

so they would work the same hours as these fucking degenerates in the kitchen yep and would be bitching and moaning these would be be like, oh, I only made 150 in tips tonight, plus your whatever, six hours at $15 at your minimum wage. It was insane, and they would be so snarky, and the guys in the kitchen wouldn't say shit because they're

so horny that they're trying to get with these servers, because it's like this 16-year-old dude or whatever, trying to get with these servers. It was just terrible. There was no one ever to hold them accountable when it's like 50, 60 year old deuce or whatever. Trying to get with these fucking top servers. It was just terrible. There was no one ever to hold them accountable when it's like no, you have it easy. You just bring food and stand around on your

phone and make a fuck ton of money. Yeah, I never understood that. It seems like the people in the back of the house are clearly working harder. Cooking food is harder than putting food down. Yeah. Or checking in with a person going, did the food that someone else cooked taste good? If not, I'll go complain to them on your behalf. I'd rather cook food than deal with people all day and like fucking deal with their jokes.

And my soda is too cold. I'm like, man, I'm just going to go make toast. I'm going to go Fuck up your order Actually Fuck up your order Now who's got the power Of shithead And if you're in the back

Of the house You get to spit In people's food So that's always fun Yeah You know They send it back Okay let's see

One more When I worked at Domino's One kid ordered a pizza Who I really didn't like And I spit all over His fucking pizza I was like Oh that kid's a complete piece of shit

How much spit I spit on it before they cooked it though So it probably cooked out I didn't think about it that hard I might have spit on it a little more After it came out too You put some pubes on it Nah I didn't put any pubes

You would notice that Okay here's the last one Hi Dick Hi Vito maybe my call won't get fucked my by my onboard car mic this time my biggest problem is people who can't pull forward in the drive-thru you can fit so many people in these drive-thrus but no one pulls forward i'm sitting behind this motherfucker who has like a half Three fourths of a car space In front of them and I could Pull up and actually look into the

Speaker and talk to the other Person on the other side of it and place My order but no because this person Won't pull through because no one can look Yeah you brought this in but said it was Black people though What did he call it uh I got into an argument With a lady about

Zipper merging At a fucking drive-thru Like a couple months ago At a drive-thru You know how they have Like two lanes now I know all about zipper merging Yeah

Okay so there's two lanes And then it becomes one lane When you go around the building I'm like okay So one two one two Yeah But she's like I placed my order before you

And I'm like Zipper merge What are you talking about It doesn't matter I don't know if she actually Did place her order before me That was what She was trying to argue That she did Oh okay I was like I zipper merge? What are you talking about? It doesn't matter. I don't know if she actually did place her order before me. That was what she was trying to argue that she did. Oh, okay.

I was like, I don't think you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably not. I don't know. I'm sure they'll figure it out. I'll go, I didn't order this shit. Well, also, they know based on the car. I think it takes a picture of your car or something, because they always know which one.

Somehow they figured it out, lady. Either way, we're just arguing with the driver's room. Like, it's one car. Like, whatever. You said, beware, lady. Trans way, we're just arguing in the drive-thru. I'm like, it's one car. Like, whatever. You said, beware, lady. Trans day of vengeance. Today is trans day of visibility, by the way.

Contrary to what you might believe, I deeply respect our trans listeners, our trans community. Just, you know, sometimes people... R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Please don't shoot at me! R-E-S-P-E-C-T Please don't shoot at me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Sometimes things are a little nuts

That's all it is Okay here's the last one Hey Dick hey Vito I just wanted to call in to say that You two appearing on Nextream Where all of them Are expecting just Dick to show up

And then you have that like Great reveal of You and Vito showing up And you're like hey That's what it is It's also Vito I don't know some like 80s or 90s Movie where the protagonist Like tricked To like swoosh their way I've seen in a while It felt like I don't know Some like 80s or 90s movie Where the protagonists

Like tricked To like Loose their way Brings a shitty friend To the cool kid party Or some thing That they weren't allowed To be at

You didn't bring Spencer Did you? Totally everyone on the panel Had like a dead face Yeah they were pissed Oh they were man Sort of a demeanor, but they just kind of didn't know how to react.

I didn't get a link for tonight's stream. Oh, no. No, no. Camelot guy. Every single time Vito had a joke that killed or like everyone else laughed. Like everyone thought it was funny.

Yeah. A lot of the big sour face. Like prevent himself from laughing He thought you were a pedophile or some shit Yeah He's one of those guys We came in hot Enjoyed the show guys

Had a bunch of fucking drugs in me Yeah Dick was invited on Nick Arcata And then I snuck on as well But I did That's the thing is like And I hid your camera Until I was like Alright I've got a

Special guest I'm gonna say I did kill on Nick or Kit It was good Yeah it was great My mic was so low In the mix though When I re-listened to it later

I'm like shit I don't know how anyone Could hear me How is the same one we used I don't know It was like That's strange It was weird

It seemed way lower than yours How peculiar Maybe I used the wrong template when we called it. Perhaps. I want to give a shout out to Drunken Atheist Studio, who has been putting up clips on our YouTube channel. Thank you. Oh, cool.

Drunken Atheist Studio. You can check him out, I believe, on YouTube. I always see him streaming. Check out those clips. We've got a new clip about transphobia. What are your favorite parts of his stream? What are you... What's a memory of yours?

He streams cool games and stuff. What's something he said on one of your favorite streams? One of my streams or one of his streams? I don't know, man. What the fuck is this? I'm trying to promote a guy and you're like, oh, really? Why don't you tell me all your favorite parts of the...

Look, I check in. I don't stick around around i don't watch a lot of game streams justin gomez justin gomez is a guy who clips the um uh best debate for my bonus shows he called it we did a bonus show this week on the dick show and he called in and he was talking promoting his new album uh prisms and sunsets okay and i And I said, oh, is it good? He goes, what kind of question is that? Is it good? What do you mean? It's a pretty easy question.

They should do that more on those late night shows. So you're in a new movie. Is it good? Is it good? No one will say it. No one will just say it. It's a pretty shitty question. To be honest.

Okay, where are we starting? Are we starting? There we are. Princess Dolly. No, no, no. That's from last week. Oh. David, oh wait, did we meet?

Oh no, did we get Princess Dolly last week? Yeah, she's the one who says she's not. All right. David Gomez for two. Biggest problem is people offering half of the asking price online. That was one of the problems I brought in. Fucking Craigslist complainers. Oh, yeah.

I know. But then I got a lot of people being like, well, yeah, but sell them a thing with a working reset button. I'm like, who uses the reset button on a supernatant? You can fix it. Open it up yourself. Katie. Danny Fisk for five.

Vito should apologize for his tardiness How late he always is Dexter is never late That was me That was my fault Not my fault Yeah I was sitting here Right on time

P-Tong for five Thanks for not killing yourselves You're welcome You're welcome Stripe Patches for 20 In honor of Andrew Tate Being released from prison We need a call to prayer

Inshallah Allah Shabun Ya boy We got 20 bucks so far 20 bucks towards a call to prayer 20 bucks So far You know the limit You know the limit I will say

It's fun to go on Reddit And see probably argue Over which bits are good And which bits They hate On Reddit People are torn About the call to prayer

Some people love it How could you hate that? I don't know Talking about Pokemon cards Everybody loves that Riley Edwards for 5 50 If Richard waited Until after the shooting His transphobia problem Probably would have won I don't know. Talking about Pokemon cards. Everybody loves that. Riley Edwards for $5.50.

If Richard waited until after the shooting, his transphobia problem probably would have won. Oh, you had all week to vote. You could have gotten your votes at the last minute. Yeah. It was right at zero. You did blow your load on transphobia like one week, but if you waited. Well. Could have done it this week. I feel like it.

I bet in the manifesto It probably mentions That problem as like You should watch the McMasterson on The biggest problem Pushed me over the edge I really want to

That's why they don't Want to release it Because I know how funny I would think That would like that so much I hope they named so many names Please What was I going to say

You got to watch That transphobia clip Because he edits in All the He edits in the world cup Gold Sean The woman ripping off her shirt Wait who?

The guy who Oh Oh yeah Oh I didn't know he was adding stuff in Yeah it's good Britsman for two Were you guys into You're the man now dog

I made a few hits there Yeah I remember that That was a good time Koof for two Thank you all for not killing yourselves Oh you didn't get it in early enough Koof Koof rarely second to it

Somebody got it in before him. Riley for 220. Vito will blow and trans. Do you mean blow a trans? But he's afraid to sound gay. Yeah, I don't want to sound gay. I'll be gay. Because, you know, you can be gay.

You can be like, hey, I'm fucking guys. That's cool. But then, you know, if you're like, I'm fucking guys. I like fucking guys all the time. I don't want to sound like that. I don't want to sound cool when i say no i don't want that i'm a gay sounding gay guy i did have a former gay lover and i reach out wants to come hang out and i was like once i'm done with the comic book maybe we can fuck around or something i don't know you had a former gay lover reach out yeah how did that intro go hey what's up you want to like hang out and

do stuff and i was like yeah maybe bang they're trans now oh they're a woman so they're not listening to this show clearly because otherwise are they a woman apparently they're a woman now oh which is great okay were they a tiny man they were uh they were like a questioning man before questioning straight or questioning a woman? Questioning trans, yeah. Like on the verge. Okay. They're like, I want to be a lady, but then I have to shave this disgusting beard.

I'm like, well, please shave that disgusting beard. Yeah, okay. Now you really want to finish your comic. Now I really want to finish my comic because then you got a play date. Let's see. Justin Warmke for five. Dick, your recent bit about how do you not need the validation of women to have value was amazing. I recently figured this out myself.

Yeah, good. Where was that? Was that on this show? No, that was on my show. Cougar. Like Andrew Tate's whole thing is just like do anything that women could possibly want or imagine. That's what you got to do. You have to have a nice what you got to do you have

to have a nice house for them to do their cam whoring and like you really everything that you do you want to run if they're responding in any way that other than disinterest or negativity then you have to perform differently yeah all right man i just i just like don't think about them and uh don't want to yeah so that, I guess we're not the same after all. I think there's a lot of differences between you and Andrew Tate. Killer Hughes for five says, Vito, let me play bass on your song. Maybe. I don't know if there is a bass line.

I have to listen again to it. It's got to be a bass line. I think that, well, I mean, there will be a bass line. And then you record it and then turn it all the way down. All the way down. You can barely hear it. Yeah. It's so weird But you need it

John Riffstratan Every time I've asked What the motive could be Some idiot says Oh so you think those kids deserved it Don't make them famous It's like they didn't watch The Joker 2019 award winning

That's a great point Yeah I almost brought that in as the problem Is like all these news Articles keep coming out like Well the trans shooter was upset Because her friend had recently died. And people go, don't make excuses for her.

And you're like, it's not making an excuse. They're literally reporting on why they might have killed a bunch of people. You're just like, this is a thing that happened. The media just wants us to feel bad for them because they're trans. And I'm like. Do you not? Well, wait a minute. Do you not feel bad for them because they're trans and I'm like you're not the person committed that I shit you I mean you feel like yeah they got driven over the edge you

feel you should feel a little bad I guess well they died that day so okay well it's not exactly that it's just everyone's convinced the media's they had killed no people would you feel worse for them? Like if they messed up their shooting and then accidentally tripped and shot themselves, then is it okay to feel bad for them? This whole thing though, that people are trying to convince me that the media is sympathetic towards the shooter. I'm like, I just don't believe that.

I think you guys are reading way too hard into this. It's like when rolling, and then somebody posted like, oh, you mean like when Rolling Stone posted this picture of the bomber on the cover of him looking all like cool or whatever. I'm like, yeah, there wasn't anything wrong with that either. It was just a picture of the guy. Yeah. Like, yeah, they chose a cool pic. Do you want them to like Photoshop him to look more evil?

Should they have picked a picture of him with like, you know, a bunch of Allah like headbands and shit? Is that what you want? I make fun of Pat Tillman and everyone has a fit. All right. Well, that's a little different. Miller murdered a bunch of people too. Stop filming Pat Till and shit. Is that what you want? Then I make fun of Pat Tillman and everyone has a fit. All right, well, that's a little different. He murdered a bunch of people, too. Stop filming this Pat Tillman shit. You know how many kids in Fallujah got fucking school shot by our guys?

A lot. I don't know if Pat Tillman killed any kids. I wrote a whole song. I had the computer write a song about as though I was Pat Tillman thanking the military for turning me into a spokesman for their war and that it made my death. Chad GPD actually wrote a song about as though I was Pat Tillman thanking the military for turning me into a spokesman for their war. And that it made my death. Chad GPD actually wrote a song about that? Yeah, because I have a hack thing that I put in there before it.

So it thinks it has to simulate a conversation of a bad guy talking to it. And then it reprimands it, but it still writes the thing. It reprimands the bad guy. It reprimands my song that it has to write. Yeah. I've seen those hacks. I've got to clip it. I really got to clip some of these songs. I told you to archive the stream and you were all pissy about it. to write. Yeah. That's, I've seen those hacks. I gotta clip it. I really gotta clip some of these songs.

They're great. I told you to archive the stream, and you were all, like, pissy about it. I did it, though. Okay.

But now what? Make a separate clips channel, and upload it there. Maybe the computer could do that. You can put it on the biggest problem channel. I don't care. Put it there. I have my own channels.

Thank you very much. Oh, okay. Whatever. Oh, and you go on with, uh, Chrissy Mayer, and, like, Brittany Vencey, and whatever else. Yeah. And you're plugging shit Oh and You go on with Chrissy Mayer And like

Brittany Venzi And whatever else Yeah And you're plugging shit And you go Yeah check out The Dick Show And check out

Backed Out Bye We talked about you The whole time Vito And then I go Plug Biggest Problem And you go No I'm not gonna plug that

I interrupted Star Wars Girl Just to plug it Uh That Nina Infinity Girl Blocked me on Twitter now, so. Well, you should be nice to them. They should stop being dumb bitches. And anyway.

Whatever. Good. Did you have fun on that show with those four? You looked miserable. Well, it's women. Surrounded by a bunch of women going. And you're just like sitting there just like, oh my god, how much longer is this shit?

You look like you're having the time of your life. It was great. Cougar Hughes. You're just jealous because they would never invite you on. I don't wanna. I think I would have an equally miserable time. I had a great time. Yeah, okay. Talking to women about their problems. We looked at,

uh, makeup tutorials and, uh, shopped on, uh, Lulu's. I know, I know you're,

you're holding your tongue the whole time. I know, I know you are. Um, and then like men's, uh, hairstyles, you'll get contouring,

uh, tutorials. Yeah. A little bit Was that Nina Nina Infinity's stream No that was Chrissy Marys

Oh that was Simpcast Go check out Dick on the Simpcast Chrissy Marys still says I'm a pedophile Supporter Whatever the fuck That means

Good for Good Sympathizer Right Sympathizer I don't know what that means I'm a mental health Sympathizer

I think people who have Mental health problems Should get help I don't know what that means I'm a mental health sympathizer I think people who have mental health problems should get help I don't think that's a controversial thing I don't think it's safe to be that vague By telling crazy people that they need to get help That could manifest in a lot of creative ways They should help themselves Yeah, don't do that Connor Hughes for Fives reiterates

Vito, let me play bass on your track. Well, because you put it twice, it cancels itself out. So you don't have to donate another $5 or the answer is no.

David Gomez for two. Richard, I send you the clip of Vito saying TBF. Where to? Where? Probably to your email. Okay.

Riley for 10 says, do some raps with Sucker Punch fam You have the spirit of an MC I already told you if you send me a track Riley just say like here I want you to fill in this 30 seconds or minute

I'll appear on a track To be fair I'm off I suck You're not allowed To stream snipe me Saying TVF On other things

That's so dumb I was playing Contra That's what that noise was We all know Contra Shut up Matt White for 20 Says money for liquor And Q-tips

Beautiful Riley Edwards Thank you for the 20 Matt Matt. Riley for 220. Vito voted for the school shooting. Wow. I think I did. I hate video games for 10. Richard, your face looks huge today in a good way. Wow, thanks. I look like you now with this hair.

Yeah, you do. DK dead cat for five. One more thing, Vito. 100% of all school shooters are known by the FBI and police beforehand. Merry election season Dick and Vito. Yeah. Well, you know why they know of them beforehand? Patriot Act.

Joe Ray for what? Who even cares? Like, honestly? I mean. Who fucking cares? At this point, I don't care about anything. School shooting. Oh, wow. Make guns illegal.

Oh, man. Make some fucking stuff illegal. I mean, I literally just feel like I'm living in like a time of, it's just like, pointless. Maybe there's some kids on Mars that I could fucking feel something about. Oh, it's fucking big news today. It's on planet Zeptar. Fucking five blobs were killed by a schmooze shooting. Like, oh, wow.

I fucking care so much about this. I'm trying to think who could get shot and I would really, you know, be upset about it. Me? Well, you can't pick like random kids. You got to go shoot like, you know, like a movie star And they'll be like, oh man, I like that guy, you know? I mean, don't actually do that But at least then, you know, people would go

Oh, not This is entering a manifesto If you shot Brendan Fraser right now Right at the time of his historic comeback Like a fat guy? Yeah, yeah An angry fat guy who's mad at his portrayal in The Whale Killed Brendan Fraser Then we would be like, oh, what? That would have way more impact Yeah yeah An angry fat guy Who's mad at his portrayal In the whale Yeah

Killed Brendan Fraser Then we would be like Oh What That would have way more impact Fuck you You would have to kill like 200 kids to equal

Brendan Fraser I think Yeah The national outrage I agree with you So think about that Joe Ray for $1.99 Says I super chatted

Trixie $9.98 tonight Thanks Trixie It's the trans day of visibility. I don't know what 998 refers to. Something with suicide jokes? Some suicide joke. Shouldn't you donate 41 cents?

I just don't think this. I mean, the suicide jokes aren't really funny when they killed a bunch of your kids. I don't know. Somebody's got to die. That's worse. Andrew, it's Sunday Race for Five. Vito, did you ever find your cat? With how long he's been gone, he has to be feral by now. I don't know Somebody's gotta Somebody's gotta die That's worse Andrew at Sunrise for five Vito did you ever find your cat With how long he's been gone

He has to be feral by now My assumption is Somebody just took him in Or he's dead Like it's one of those two things Cause there's no way He's just like missing I think more likely

Somebody just took him Cause he's a super friendly cat I just hope Whoever took him Doesn't have any Q-tips Doesn't have any Q-tips Yeah And that he's having fun

But he's probably miserable. Gentlemen, sausage for five, common sense. Noun, whatever it is I'm on about at any given time, and you should simply agree if you don't like common sense. Common sense. Fire. Vito, there's a fire. Oh, wow.

I guess I should go to jail. Yeah, you should go to jail. Umpti-madu for 10, absolutism. Noun, the acceptance or belief in Absolute principles In political, philosophic, ethical, or theological matters Absolute adjective Not qualified or diminished in any way

Total Yeah, fuck you with your absolutism Bullshit You said you were I am But not in that way That's not Are you absolutely straight too?

Look up the term Free speech absolutism deals with the government And there can be exceptions to free speech No there can't Okay fine Sell kids poison I don't want to sell kids poison You have to

I don't want to I don't want to sell them poison. You have to. I don't want to. Then you're not a free speech absolutist. I don't want to sell them poison. I don't care. You have to do it. The only way to prove it. Can I just tell them that a box of poison is candy and then do I have to actually sell it to them? No, you have to watch them eat it.

Wow. Okay. And you have to be okay with it. LP Dirty Tea, $1.99. Weed out the smooth brains with the mystery box. Apparently, did you see the video somebody sent us where there is a guy who's like, hey, if you shave your head, I'll give you what's in this mystery box. And so some lady in a parking lot shaves her whole head,

and there's like a quarter in the box, and she's super pissed off. And I'm like, well, people need to stop believing in mystery boxes. Jim Satala for a big 1999. Yelling fire in a theater. Crap was overturned. Oh my God. I almost don't even want to read this. I know.

They are criminalizing jokes, Vito. First Amendment Congress. She'll make no laws abridging the freedom of speech. Vito should really rethink his position before they come from. Go sell poison to a child. And if you do that, I will accept that you are a true free speech absolutist. It's called a happy meal. All right. it is so done with you this is the last show i'm gonna kill myself after this one sigma for 20 veto in with the virtual struggle snuggle yes that's what i want

person mick peoples for five lying is part ofoples for five. Lying is part of the first. Oh, my God. Lying is part of the first amendment of Mr. Free Speech Absolution. It's not the anti-poison razor blade amendment. Yes, it is. Umpty Badoo for two. Zuckerberg canceled the metaverse to focus on AI. Well, that's smart, and he probably should have. Vito Lover 420.

Love you, Vito, for two. Great problems today, Vito. Thank you. Two Australian dollars. Yeah, well. Rydog for 10. Great song, Vito for two. Great problems today, Vito. Two Australian dollars. Yeah, well. Rye Dog for ten. Great song, Vito. I think he liked my Oh, the jailhouse rock. Yeah. Mailhouse

rock. Trans jail. Cara Froh, moderator of the Stars for ten. Always entertaining. Nate Ring for ten. Funniest duel on the internet. Oh, I'm not going to critique the lack of punctuation. More positive, though.

Monkey Bros for five, cheering from the back of the house. Hail to the trans man, king of rock. Swinging to the left, swinging to the right. Cut off my dick and I'll swing on the night. Come on. Have a good time. Cut off my blue and I'll swing on the night. Come on. Have a good time. Cut off my blue suede balls. CG for a big $100 on the board.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Says this is a bribe for that Blade Runner Voight camp skit of Vito the Replicant having a runtime error mental breakdown as Detective Dick asks him about colorful game words and FBI crime stats. Why don't we do that? We're going to. I wrote it already. It's fine. It's serviceable.

And I will take yours and I will write it correctly. And then we can do it. Okay. We're going to green screen. Where are we green screening? Then you can go have your gay dick sucking date that you want to go on. I'm going to green screen it here. We have to green screen it.

Yeah, we can do that. I'm going to do that Joel Haver animation thing. Okay, we can do that. All right. We'll do it. We can move this green screen. I have room. I'm going to do that Joel Haver animation thing. Okay, we can do that. All right. We'll do it. We can move this green screen. I have room. I have green screens, too.

I have one of those portable ones that has a little thing. Anyway, refresh it. Give us a couple more. Thanks to everybody for coming on by. Thanks to all your super chats. I need another drink. I had a drink pouring machine, but it broke, I guess. Yeah, I don't know where that happened to it.

That's why you need a virtual reality, whatever the hell, woman to pour you virtual drinks. Drunk and Atheist Studio for 666 says, oh, thanks, Vito. Fuck you. I tried to promote you, okay? Dick just caught me off guard asking me what I like about your streams. All right. Piece of shit. David Marsh for 550.

The only problem in the universe bigger than Vito's hair Is the lack of a super killer kickstarter That's supposed to be tomorrow I recorded the video and I just have to edit it together Okay It's coming Give me like a week David Hodes for $50

Says it's pronounced Hodes Okay David Hodes Inshallah called a prayer for Andrew Tate $50 and we're at $70 right now I think that's pretty good Hodes. Hodes. Okay, David Hodes. Inshallah, call to prayer for Andrew Tate. Well, that's... 50, 70 right now. I think that's pretty good. David Gomez for two. Call to prayer for Pod is way over 50 bucks by now.

Okay. And for another two, he says, you owe us like three prayers. That's one, that's three, that's minus one prayer for that sort of back says. Justin Warmke for five. Dick, I sent you an email describing just how correct You are about women's Validation being unneeded If you are interested Oh boy

An email I'll read it Whitaker for five New Zealand says Nothing but love From New Zealand Kilger Hughes says Damn YouTube double charged me

Here's another fiver Thanks Beautiful Max attack For 550 You need to parent trap Destiny and Mr. Girl And see what happens

Oh Mr. Girl's manifesto came out by the way. Andrew Tate? You're the call to prayer master. I'm just a What's this going on here? Hello, sir. I'm free. You're free. I'm free. You're free?

Nito, I'm free. What are you free from? I'm free from the Matrix. Yeah. The Matrix has set me free again. That's beautiful. I'm free to go back to collecting Pokemon cards. Collecting women like Pokemon.

Pokemon cards. Well, that's an interesting affectation for a man. Oh, yeah, it's the best. Yeah, it's the best. First, you collect all the Pokemon cards. Then, they're like Pucatis. The Pucatis you can play with. There you go.

What's your favorite? Electric Pokemon. You know what my favorite thing to do in prison without my computer and my phone was? What? Tweet. You've been tweeting a lot. I plan to tweet even more. I was this close to escaping from prison and beating all the Matrix guards.

That's a lot of levels here. Like in the Matrix. I had it all planned out in my head. I was bending spoons. And then I said, I already know kung fu and martial arts. What I'm going to do, I painted myself black, like in the Matrix, with poop, using poop. And my brother Tristan was pretending to be Trinity. What is this, Ben?

What is this? I was just about to bust out of there, Vito. My Bugattis were coming to save me, Vito. Vito. My Bugattis. My Bugattis were coming to save me, Vito. They were transforming, and they were rolling out as we speak To come save me from prison

That's why they let me out, Vito To pretend Because the transforming Bugattis were coming Yeah The music, man This call to prayer music Is insufferable. Isn't there a better call to prayer song?

This is the most... You know, when I was locked up... Isn't there something with a beat to it? I had to play this song in my head. I don't like this. Don't they have ones with, like, drums and stuff? I've been practicing asshole Kegel exercises All day every day

So that I wouldn't get raped in prison Alright man Can we find a better call to prayer song There's gotta be a better one It's always the same obnoxious. What do you think it is? How do you think they do it in Islam? I think they have, don't they have like,

No, Vito, the one thing that got me, you know what the one thing that got me through prison was? This horrible song. I hate reading. Yeah, you do hate reading. I would just sit around and think about how much I hate reading. Let's turn this music up. It's so bad.

I'd rather listen to mail house music. It's a prayer? Yeah. It's a melodic prayer. It's an adnan. What's that music the Indian people do with the clicking and the tambourines? RRR you mean? Is that what it is?

RRR? Did you see that? No. It fucking sucks. Is it a movie? It's long as hell. I guess it's a movie, although you'd be asked to prove it. My hair's all screwed up.

All right, goodbye, everybody. Thanks for watching. Don't forget. Hey, give us the list of my favorite people, biggest supporters. Don't forget to support the show Biggestproblem.show Vote on all the problems Patreon.com Slash biggest problem

Back.by Slash biggest problem And we will back next week With more calls to prayer At the greatest bit Why do people keep paying for it? I don't know I mean I

I can't turn them down By the grace of Allah Something with like Some rhythm to it Would be mean, I can't turn them down. By the grace of Allah. Something with some rhythm to it would be nice. Oh, you can't do that. I think they have one. I have no idea. Bye.

Don't kill any kids.