The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 1

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

Bill Burr and Bert Kreischer come together to give their always honest opinion on life and comedy in the amount of time it takes to smoke a cigar.

I get confused really easily in our fights. I have one fight. Yeah, I get really confused. God bless your wife. I was just picturing the dumb look on your face. Can you imagine being married to someone who gets confused in arguments? Wait a minute. What was my point?

And she stays with you? What a fucking angel you married. How many kids do you have? Two. I don't know why that took so long. How many kids do you have? Uh, two. I don't know why that took so long. Two. Welcome to the Bill... Bert.

Podcast. Wait, you do the pod, I'll do the cast. Say it again. Welcome to the Bill... Bert. Pod. Cast. Yeah. That has to be the intro. That's got to be the cast. Say it again. Welcome to the Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. Yeah.

That has to be the intro. That's got to be the intro. What's going on? Look at these fucking cigars he brought. Goddamn. These are, I'm guessing, seven inches. Oh, I would believe that, you size queen. This is like standing behind a bus.

Did you ever measure your dick when you were a kid oh yeah did you how far did you push into the bone i think i still have the mark my my my line was uh seven inches on the cough seven inches you know when you cough your dick goes seven inches is like all the guys who are 5'9 who say they're 5'11 you notice that yeah no one's gonna say they got a fucking average six incher you know what i mean i one time some woman told me she goes she goes you have a nice dick you know and it was the most honest thing ever that's exactly what i have i have a nice stick you know it's not going to scare you it's not going to disappoint you it's nice yeah if you invited it over to a party it's not going to disrupt anything you know i have a can tell a story my wife said one time we were having sex she said oh you're so long i said long is not the

word you want to hear. It's big. She goes, no, but you are long. I said, no, I'm big. She goes, I don't know big, but long. Needledick? Yeah, like Manute Bull. You know how Manute Bull died? Jerking off?

No, he died. I don't know why. I shouldn't even talk about it. Keep going. Well, no, what happened? He burned from the inside. No, he didn't. Yeah, I think he had a medication. talk about it. Keep going. Well, no. What happened? He burned from the inside. No, he didn't. Yeah, I think he had a medication.

He was allergic to the medication. I think. I don't, I actually don't know at all, to be dead honest with you. You're trying to tell me this guy took aspirin and then he spontaneously combusts? You know what, Bert? Almost exactly like that, to be honest with you. If I was on the Hollywoodwood squares right now yeah i would say i disagree minute bowl um it's very common it's a side effect like a point eight percent side effect of this medication i don't even know one of the side effects is you might burn from the inside yeah what would you rather do from the inside of the outside outside

because you can put it out no no no no you can't stop you can't stop drop and roll when you're burning from the oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I burn from the outside, definitely. All you have to do is you got to do this. You got to go, you got to try to take in some cool air. Start drinking water. So how was the flight with Rogan?

I'm dying to hear about that. It was fun. You know, it was fun. I mean, I always love it, but the fact that he enjoyed it so much was a great thing. We took him out. Went out. we flew out near where he lives, and then we went out west and cut through a canyon and went down Malibu. Oh, my God, some of the fucking gorgeous homes that aren't there anymore.

Oh, for real? Yeah, and it's so weird. You'll just see one random house, and there'll be 20 houses around it just totally fine. It's just because they're down on the coast, and the embers just flew. You're unlucky. Jesus. It just lands on your house. That's crazy.

How much of the devastation? Is it devastation when you look at it or is it you're like do you go like it's not that bad no it's bad really it's bad no they lost like 600 homes dear god that's horrible you can take when you get a helicopter you can just fly it anywhere yeah i mean there's restricted airspace but a lot of times even restricted airspace you can make a call and they'll let you go through. It's just generally speaking, like, you know, it's funny. There's a permanent temporary no-fly zone over Disneyland. Really?

They just didn't want people flying over. But, like, one time we were coming down the five and we were just like, fuck it, let's ask. And they were like, all right, just move it along. Because I didn't give a shit about, you know, Disneyland. I wanted to fly over the angel stadium edison field i like doing that shit yeah but flying over stadiums would be cool as shit yeah i'll take you up i'm gonna wait till i get like 300 hours how many hours do you have

right now i'm gonna have 200 by the end of the year so wait how hard is it i've always toyed with the idea of learning how to fly because i have a fear of flying yeah for real i did yeah and is it gone now yeah i guess it would have to be unless i'm flying solo what do you mean then i'm like fuck i know what i'm doing i know i'm doing do i know what i'm doing i know what i'm doing wait so do when you went up with rogan did you bring an instructor with you oh yeah oh i would never do that he's a father he's one of the best comics i know i'm not gonna have that on my fucking conscious i wonder how many comics saw that post and was like well if these two go down it really ups my touring we all do that was a funny thing about louis right when they were trying to say the male

white male patriarch fucking protected him. No, they didn't. They were all like, well, where was he working? Good. I'm going to get more spots at the cellar. Yeah. That's what most people said. Yeah. It's fucking cutthroat, man.

It's crazy. I feel like I should have won a championship. Like, I don't even think the fucking Knicks smoked one this big. Dude, this is legit a Michael Jordan cigar. Oh, he smokes them? Oh, Michael Jordan. A Michael Jordan cigar. Oh, he smokes them?

Oh, Michael Jordan. I mean, when you're 6'10", a little cigar has got to be like nothing. It's got to be like a toothpick. That's right. He's 6'6". Yeah, I know what you mean. He's got to smoke big cigars so it feels like... So he doesn't look stupid if you're sitting there with a little punch? Yeah, just...

Smoking it like a French guy? Yeah. This is so fucking obnoxious that I love it, man. This is a good cigar, cigar too it's a great cigar i bought these right when we started sober october i wanted cigars that would uh replace give me a buzz or something because we were going on that cruise and the guy was like take these don't trust me and i got them for me and bobby kelly and i mean i never ended up smoking them how long did you go when you on the cruise no no how long did you were so before 31 days 31 days i got 28 days tomorrow really don't

i look happy don't i look like i'm enjoying life it's great in the morning isn't it oh it's amazing dude makes coffee fucking i loved coffee when i was not drinking i love how you have to no matter you got to get a buzz somehow. Oh my God, Froot Loops, dude. My problem was when I was not drinking was treats. I didn't have any treats. Like I didn't have a thing, a way to reward myself for a great day. Well, you know what it is?

What? Is I think most people who abuse alcohol, on some level you don't like yourself. So then when you're sober, you're kind of forced to just like oh god i gotta hang out with this guy oh and then when you do bad things when you're sober you don't have anyone to blame no it's just you it's just you just bad parenting hey dude you're you're describing the last four weeks of my life like i had no idea what a fucking asshole i was yeah i had no idea how difficult i was to live with all of this shit so uh how often do you drink though normally you don't drink every day yeah for real yeah i didn't know that yeah i'd always come and i'm like an old school drinker i got sorry i got like

you know i got my little setup at home oh like like a globe that opens up and no but you know, I got my little setup at home. Oh, like a globe that opens up and has drinks in it? Dude, if I showed you this, I found this fucking Art Deco bar that was just so fucking amazing. It had like five chairs. Yeah. You know, I'm like, can we get it? Can we get it? And she's like, we just don't have any room for it. Dude, our friends.

And it's just like, well, if we got rid of some of your shit we would you didn't fucking fill it all up our friends have a house where they have a bar room meaning like it is a dutch door that is a bar table and it's a closet that was should be still has the um the wallpaper but is all set up so that you'd have a bar so at a party you'd have a bartender sit in this room yeah and serve you a drink and they're getting rid of it and i went i in my head i go i can't understand you wanting to get rid of that that's history that doesn't exist anymore of the husband i did an episode of crashing yeah i'm pointing you with my pinky for some reason i did an episode of of Crash and Pete Holmes show, which comes out January 13th or something on HBO.

His special's airing right now on HBO. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. No, his special's out. His special's out right now. Pete Holmes has a lot of things out there, people, and you need to Google him. I saw you tweeting for Fortune Feimster the other day.

That was great. I love her. She's so bad. My wife, I was watching a video of her. My wife just rolled over. She goes, I love her. She's the greatest. Dude, have you heard?

No, it is the amount of fucking, it is a fucking shame. The amount of shit that she books because she's so talented. And it always takes away from her being down at the store. Dude, have you heard about her coming out of the closet? It is the funniest story in the world. No, I just remember that one. Because she's my best friend. When I saw that.

I don't want to ruin her jokes. She's doing the Wilbur Theater January 11th in Boston. She's a fucking beast. She comes out of the closet, realizes she's gay. And then she goes, okay, I'm gay. What now? And I said, so what did you do? And she goes, well, I just started getting involved.

It's funny that we're smoking these giant cocks talking about other people being gay she goes i got involved with i went on craigslist and looked for activities i thought gay people would do what do you mean she goes i joined a softball team i took guitar lessons i got into an african drum circle guitar lessons she goes i figured gay people would do that so imagine fortune imagine fortune just sitting in a drum circle going how sweet is that how sweet is that oh god that killed me and i was like she's also like she has like this fucking swagger on stage. Totally chill.

Totally. I've been telling her for fucking years. I was trying to take her out on the road with me, but she's always booking shit. She's always on TV shows. Stop being so fucking talented. So go back to the Pete Holmes thing. Come out to Des Moines, Iowa with me. Go back to the Pete Holmes thing you were saying about,

you did an episode of Crashing. I know if he's watching this,'s screaming what about me bye hey guys you know i love when you insult pete he just goes makes that little face he doesn't care as long as you're talking about him yeah so i did an episode of crashing and when most fun shoot i fucking ever had uh script was just completely out the window on that show. To the point, they were actually amazed that I memorized the lines. I was just like, well, aren't you supposed to do that? It's like, no, people just kind of fucking show up on this show.

So I'm like, all right. Arlang's a lead. I don't see him pouring over lines the night before. Maybe different lines. Oh, gee, you set me up. You set me up. It. Different lines. Oh, gee. You set me up. You set me up. It's not like it's a secret.

Not Artie. I texted Rogan and Tom the other day, and I go, oh, shit. Artie Lang just followed me on Twitter. He's back on drugs, by the way. He got high, and then went out fucking i'll follow burt kreischer that's right um so anyways i did this last time i'm gonna attempt to try this story so i did an episode of crashing and um you know the character version of me because i was still

playing me but it had like this sick ass house it was out in queens or in brooklyn and downstairs had a full fucking bar like a semi-circle thing and everybody was asking me dude is that your house is that your house and it's just like no but i saw your episode of crash i wish it was do you remember in the end yeah i fucking saw that i can't believe i'm sitting here going that sounds so familiar yeah yeah they mainly had me down to just hitting drums yeah yeah it was great that was fun that was a yeah that was definitely a fun time. They wrote it as if you were you.

Well, I was playing me. Yeah, you were playing you. I went, I actually thought that was your house. You're a really good actor. It's like, yeah, I'm playing myself. That's the thing. Acting gets no respect. Everybody's like, oh, dude, I can fucking do it.

You can't. There's a difference between being able to memorize lines and say it in a believable way, which is my wheelhouse. And then there's like Daniel Day-Lewis or like Anthony Hopkins who like, dude, Anthony Hopkins, any other actor played Hannibal Lecter, your fucking career's over. It's like you're Hannibal Lecter. The very next movie he played like John Quincy Adams or something

in Amistad, and he was fucking, I mean, not like I know what that guy sounded like, but there was no Hannibal. I almost said, and he was John Quincy Adams. I hung out with that dude. Not that I know what that guy sounded like. Sounds like, no, but I'm just, there was no. Would it be, would it take the wind out of Abraham Lincoln's speech if we found out today that he spoke with a lisp. Four scores and seven years ago. No, but he had a high-pitched voice because Daniel Day-Lewis played him.

How did they even know that? Daniel Day-Lewis played him. How did they know that? I don't know. For a fucking, he probably read it somewhere. He did his research. He's an actor. Supposed to be who just shows up.

I stop on that piece of tape and then i say what you wrote okay um daniel day louis fucking he's like walked around like uh i almost said hitler for some reason like adolf hit not adolf hitler what are you trying to say abraham lincoln they got the same initials sort of what starts the same he walked around his house being abraham lincoln for a year and his wife put up with that shit. Talking in that high-pitched voice. He's probably banging her wearing the hat, you know? Really high-pitched voice. Four score, seven years ago.

So he'd walk around the mall being Abraham Lincoln? I don't know. Do you really need to do that for a year, though? No. It's like, what are you, going to the fucking Olympics? I think people- It didn't really make sense, but it did to me. But there's a-

This is surprisingly mild. I really enjoy this. The best acting I've ever seen out of any movie ever is Sexy Beast, the guy who played Gandhi. You know the guy who played Gandhi? Yeah, Ben Kingsley. Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast. Yeah. Did you ever see that make me do a right cunt right i don't want to tell you grab me he taught me in front bottoms my front bottoms i don't i'm not saying all you people are like that i'm just going to do that acting in that i've watched that i hope this plane crashes

dude you know what's funny but amazing about that is all he did they asked what did you work out you know he just held his body he was just standing like like really just i don't know what's funny, amazing about that is all he did, they asked, what did you work out? No, he just held his body. He was just standing like really just, I don't know what, but he just looked like he was ripped. He didn't work out at all. But everyone in that, I love what's his face in the beginning when he's laying by the pool. I think Boulder comes and lands.

He's just like, oh, yeah. I'm sweating here. Roasting,aking Boiling It's like a sauna I could be that guy Winston Is that his name? Ray Winston

Ray Winston What's his name in that movie though? One time I went to Gal Gal Gal Yeah Is his name

Yeah oh Beautiful gal All the girls love gal I was at Smith and Walensky in New York one time. And me and Nia, that's our favorite fucking movie, right? We love that movie. Our wedding song was that Henry Mancini song that they play, you know, when they're lighting the barbecue or whatever?

Yeah. The whole string thing? Yeah, that was our first dance wedding song, right? Really? Yeah. Well, we love that movie. So we're in Smith and Wollensky and we fucking look over.

There's Ray Winstone with fucking Ian McShane. Mr. Black Magic. Oh my God. What was his character's name in that? Teddy. Yeah. Teddy something. I can't believe I brought that movie up.

That's one of your favorite movies. That's one of my favorite movies. That's one of my favorite movies. I love when Ben Kingsley answers the phone. He goes, hello? Watching telly. Is this Stan? What you doing? What I love about that movie is there's so many heist movies that start, hey, we're doing

one more job, man. Yeah. And then we're going to be in paradise. What I love about that movie is it starts after that these guys rob people their whole fucking lives they got the money and now they're in spain and they're just chilling they're with the women they love yeah and then and then then it brings them back i love that when he talks about london war london don't make me laugh. Every cat with a long face.

Talking about the rain and all that. I've watched it a million times. You can rent that house in Spain. No. Yeah. That's a bucket list thing. I'd rent that house. Who's someone that you've been a huge fan of that in turn was a fan of yours?

I'm so happy to be here with you today. That was a fan of yours and you were like, oh be here with you today. That was a fan of yours, and you were like, oh, shut up. I get to geek out over you now. Weird Al Yankovic. For real? I fucking love Weird Al. Really?

Another One Rides the Bus is the shit. It's almost better than the original. When he goes, Another One Rides the Bus, and he does that Freddie Mercury shit, and he's got the accordion. Dude, I think he was on Tom Schneider. They fucking murder.

Oh my God. As far as late night performances, these are my top late night performances that just come into my head. Okay. Okay. Weird Al Yankovic on Tom Schneider. Soundcheck.

Skid Row. Sebastian Bach singing... what the fuck i think he was singing monkey business or something like he just fucking murders fucking his voice was just i saw him the other night with sebastian bach i saw him the other night with uh royal machines he came out and sang highway to hell and he i was with ben bailey And he was so good. We were just laughing. Like, what else could this guy do? Dude, Ben's doing great, by the way. Ben is? He's so happy, man.

He went to his... This cigar is taller than Ben Bailey. It is. We always talk... You said top three. What's the other one? Dude, you're one of those guys who slobbers on the end of your cigar.

Look at that. Oh, yeah. Wait, you don't? No, that looks like a fucking bloodhound's nose. I make love to the end of my cigar. Yeah, I think it's from chewing tobacco, though. I like the taste of tobacco. So you probably smoked out of the band and you eat the rest.

Yeah. You're a fucking animal. I remember I went to the national championship game. This is the greatest podcast ever. Is this how we're going to do it? I could do this. I could do this for a while. Once a week?

Yeah. For the rest of my life. You want to quit everything else in the business? Yeah. Come on. Reeking of booze

and stinking of cigars. Honey, I was working. Do you like this house? These kids recognized me last night and they said, do you want to do more podcasts?

I said, I'm doing a podcast with Bill Burr tomorrow morning and they went, who's that? No, podcasts? I said, I'm doing a podcast with Bill Burr tomorrow morning. And they went, who's that? No, they were like, shut up. What? Wait, what? You get to hang out with Bill Burr?

And I was like, that's not all it's cracked up to be. I know. You know a bald, redheaded male? How do I get in your inner circle? Oh, these kids recognized me last night, 15 years old, and they were fans. I was at margaritaville do you realize that 15 year old kids like you how much longer your ride is they didn't realize that they go to the the brother school of my sister my daughter's sister school so they go

to the all boys catholic school my daughter goes to the all girls catholic school and i said how old are you guys they said 15 i said where do you go to school? They told me. I go, my daughter goes to the sister school. And they're like, wait. Why would you tell them that? I wasn't thinking. And I was like, oh, fuck. But Christia cannot keep a secret. Yeah.

And immediately I was like, oh, fuck. And then I posted it on my Instagram in Georgia. It was like, what were you doing with those boys? And I was like, they're fans of mine. She was like, oh, fuck. Dude, I wanted to talk to you about this parenting wait who said that your daughter she didn't say oh fuck but she was just like i thought your wife said that what are you doing that's what that story sounded like to me what were you doing with those boys i've been leaving out details and stories lately

i was gonna be like what the fuck did you do when you were in florida yeah um weirdo i ain't yankovic huh i love weirdo and he's the fucking nicest guy ever he's uh i can see that because you're the age that weirdo showed up when you were like of the age of finding comedy yeah no it was perfect and i love music and i loved comedy and it was it was perfect have you ever thought about writing a comedy song uh no i have but you know what i do is i i do like uh i do really bad raps on purpose to my wife because she loves hip-hop and stuff and i don't know shit about it so i don't like hip-hop no no no no no it's not that i don't like it i just i just don't know enough about it yeah you know and like right now there's that period where everybody's acting like they're fucking No, no, no, no, no. It's not that I don't like it. I just don't know enough about it. Yeah.

And right now there's that period where everybody's acting like they're fucking wasted or whatever and just mumble rap or whatever. Blip-blop-blip-blip-blop-blops. Yeah. Blip-blop-blip-blip-blop-blops. Big bang cake, little bang. I'm just, my ears are junk from going to concerts and playing drums.

So like half the time i'm just like i can't hear what they're saying which is perfect which is exactly where those mcs is that the right word that's where they want to be they want a 50 year old man going i don't understand this yeah which means what you're doing is cool yes yeah you need old people like me to be like music i can't hear it let's just put these over here yeah i can't there's a lot of it's called being an old head when you don't like what the young kids are doing and i'm so not trying to like i just i don't understand but i would never i try not to i made fun of dj music and shit but like i i don't uh i don't hang out at places with these young

people you know what I mean because I remember when I was in the bar and there'd be that older creepy person you'd just be sitting there who the fuck is that guy is that guy a cop

that's the reason I got married you're ruining yeah you're ruining you're ruining that good time you had your time okay it's fucking over

let young people this is their time this is their bar get the fuck out of here go to some wine and cheese place with your wife. Or do what I do. I stay at home.

I pour them the way you pour them. I respect that pour. I like a good glass of vodka. To me, that's one drink. But you go to a hipster bar. You had seven drinks. And you're like, I can't drive. But then when you have one of those, I had one drink.

Bill, you're being loud. I'm a loud guy. Trying to make excuses. People don't drive drunk. Do you think you'll have more kids? Yeah? Yeah. Nice.

Not with the same woman. Me too. I can't wait for my second wife. Oh second family is gonna be great oh i'll do it right this time i'll have money instead of raising poor kids you deliberately act way nicer than you really are so your new family gets on your side like man your last wife must have been a bitch no i'm with my wife forever i she's the greatest thing that ever happened to me and uh no i'm with my wife forever i she's the greatest thing that ever happened to me and uh i i yeah i really you know yeah i'm a jerk but did you always know you were gonna get married i always want to be married i wanted to have like fucking i would have gone like mel gibson had like nine ten kids

i would have done that in a fucking heartbeat i wanted a third kid everybody makes fun of philip rivers i'm like that sounds fucking awesome what's wrong philip he has like nine kids he has nine kids yeah you know what's he's probably gonna have 10 you gotta go double digits that point Philip Rivers. I'm like, that sounds fucking awesome. What's wrong with Philip Rivers? He has like nine kids. He has nine kids? Yeah. You know what? He's probably going to have 10. You got to go double digits at that point. I just can't imagine coming home.

It's just like the cheering never stops. It's like you're throwing touchdowns. Everybody's loving you. San Diego's doing great. Then you come home. It's like dad's home. Fucking nine kids running at you. Nine kids. What the fuck? Dude the fuck do you understand nine kids plus him

is 10 if if he was living east coast he could have a backyard rink and he could field like two whole teams if he played like goal goalie or something like that you'd have the whole fucking thing right wait no that doesn't work out you'd still know his mother you know his mother i always thought if you have 10 kids and your wife plays goalie and you play goalie, you could just watch them skate around playing with each other. Yeah, but there's probably an 18-year-age age difference. Well, you know what you do.

You fucking feed it to the younger ones. Yeah, I would love. Then you could do a round-robin of age groups, right? And then you could do mix and match, and then you could have the young ones playing with the older ones. One of them would make it to the nhl but the second you have the 10th kid all of them look at and they go there goes our inheritance we got to split it one more way it took 10 for them to do that how dumb are these kids no that's the thing though that's a

professional athlete that's the thing though like they that you're right about that though because they're gonna split all of his shit nine fucking ways. And the big thing is when you have a family like that, you have to have a clear cut and dry affairs in order fucking will. And I would be on my deathbed going, you guys have to promise me you're not going to fight. Oh, they're going to fight. They're always going to fight. Yeah, because it's weird because there's always one douche. Even if you and your wife is cool, if you have kids eventually you're gonna have a douche oh they my my mom was

one of ten and they they were all really close but still you've seen them just fight over the dumbest my wife's my wife my wife's grandmother passed away and you could like they put all her stuff in a storage unit and people would go in the storage unit and take what they wanted like family members it just it's really gross that's like reverse secret santa yeah you're taking it for yourself yankee flip-flop dude like what where are you in your life like one one of the saddest sounds ever is opening a storage shed that sound of that paper thin fucking garage that and the depressing memories in there and there's pictures of you when you're younger oh it's terrible i used to i think before i was at all like when i was a kid when i was in college i used to think about i just wish i could just inherit money i was like i just want to be an heir i didn't want to work i I just want to be an heir.

I didn't want to work. I didn't want to do anything. And I remember my uncle one time, he had a really successful. Scratch ticket. You thought you were all set. He had a really successful ad agency. And I was like, just get me a, like, I was like, I'll just, I'd like a job there. Get me a job there.

He was like, nah. He was like, fight for it as a standup and it'll mean so much more to you when you make it on your own. What a cool uncle, man. Dude, he was a great guy. He's still alive. What are you talking about?

Like he's dead. No, he's still alive. He's a really interesting guy. But started, changed the lobbying firm. The way the lobbying works, he's in charge of that in like the 70s, 80s. I have no idea what that means. Lobbying it's not i guess not a good thing anymore but he's all the people in fucking uh washington dc yeah that's right yeah yeah the lobbyists

lobbyists people who are into politics like why why would you get into politics i don't know by the way did you see you see Michelle Obama's $4,000 boots? It just set Twitter on fire. Did you see that cornerback for the Saints say that Ben Roethlisberger isn't one of the top five quarterbacks of this? Did you see that? I mean, I love Ben Roethlisberger. Is he top five of his era?

Oh, fuck yeah. Okay, hold on. I'm going to argue his side. Peyton Manning, above or below Ben Roethlisberger? I'll say their name. Are they above him on the rankings? It depends on what your criteria is. If you want a winner.

Yeah, you want a winner. He's got two rings. Peyton and Eli. And doesn't Ben have two? Ben has two. No. Yeah, he does. No.

Yes. I got to pull up this guy's interview. Yes, he does. This guy knows more about football than I do. No, they do because they went from four Super Bowls to six. Six-berg. Just in your own rankings, is Peyton bigger than Ben? Higher ranked than Ben?

You'd have to go Peyton, I guess. But what I like about I like about Ben is Peyton had that, you know, complaining part of his career. He was a little bit of a diva. Yeah. A lot of his games should have been on VH1. Imagine you ever woken up with a sore neck? Imagine Peyton's neck. VH1, the divas, anybody? Nobody?

Imagine Peyton's neck in the mornings. Just fucking Dude, all of those guys. The problem was his neck was exposed. His neck was so long. For real? Yeah, dude. You saw when he had his shoulder pads on.

He still had like four inches of neck sticking out before his helmet started. He looked like a turtle looking for something. He had that Steve Grogan neck. Remember Steve Grogan at the end of his career? He had a neck brace sewed into the top of his fucking jersey. All right. Peyton's above him. Drew Brees, definitely above him. Drew Brees, I always use this reference.

There's always the Jeff Beck of it, right? Yeah. Drew Brees, he's like that Jeff Beck guy where it's just like he's fucking killing it. Everybody else who's on his level knows he's one of the fucking greatest guitarists of all time. Yeah. But he's not killing it everybody else who's like on his level knows he's the one of the fucking greatest guitarists of all time yeah but you know he's not mainstream enough his albums don't they don't play well on radio he wasn't tall enough he fucking was playing down in new orleans for a while and they just were perennial losers or whatever yeah i mean that guy brought the same he's better than ben roethlisberger. He beat Peyton Manning in a Super Bowl.

So Drew Brees is above him. Aaron Rodgers above him. It's a tough class, dude. No shit. That's this guy's argument. Tom Brady. Philip Rivers. No, I wouldn't put him above.

I wouldn't put Philip Rivers above. Philip Rivers is first ballot Hall of Famer. Philip Rivers, 10 10 9 kids i mean and so that and now here's the swing i put rothlisberger he's got two rings dude what about eli oh i uh that's a push. I love Eli. I love Eli. Eli's so good, I'm a Patriots fan, and he broke my heart twice, and I still love him.

And then, Tom Brady. So now we got number six. He's not even top five of his own era. Tom Brady. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Tom Brady. Okay, so then he's a strong six. Arguably seven. He's a strong six. Arguably seven.

He's a strong six. This is a tough job. Has there ever been a better era of quarterbacks? Well, there's also has there ever been a better era to be a quarterback. You can't hit them, and they throw handoffs. He just completed 40 passes in a row for 58 yards. This guy's unbelievable. There's never been a better era. Not even Johnny Unitas

did that. There's never been a better time to be a quarterback. The greatest season ever by a quarterback is Dan Marino, 1984. 48 fucking touchdowns, threw for like 5,700 fucking yards back when they just outlawed stick them.

They just like that's where they were. You could beat the fuck out of a quarterback. That's how fucking nuts it was. The Mel Blunt rule was about eight, nine years old. Was that his name? Mel Blunt? Yeah. Mel Blunt beat the shit out of Golden Richards in 1976 in the Super Bowl.

Look at the footage he's just punching him forearm smashes and shit dude you look at the raiders like one of the oldest cis drunk one of those guys his move was he'd let you catch it and he had like a fucking i don't know what like a cast or something and he would just he just yeah he just fucking punch you in the side of your head yeah back when you had those fucking helmets with no padding. Oh, did you ever play football? Yeah. Do you remember those?

I only played, my dad, my dad saw that CTE shit coming. Yeah. And he saw how slow I was. He yanked me out. I played third grade. In third grade, I played football for about two weeks. Yeah. This is fucking hilarious.

My dad was not an athlete, right? So I needed a cup and he went and i went to the sporting goods store with him and i'm fucking running down the field and i was like i know i'm not this slow and this shit was cutting into the side of my legs and i was fucking running like this look like an idiot and i always wanted to play as i got older so i kept the cup thinking he would let me play and he never let me play again. And it wasn't until I got in high school, I'm like, this is an adult-sized cup. Dude, this shit was protecting my whole waist.

That was fucking... I wanted to play wide receiver because I could catch. Yeah. And I would have done fine there, but unfortunately, Daryl Stingley had just got paralyzed, paralyzed so my parents were like you're not fucking playing that yeah then like all right so what do you want to play and i didn't know the names of the positions and guard sounded tough to me so i go i'll play guard and i'm sitting there with my giant cup i remember this kid how tall were you at this age i don't know were you a big third grader or a

small third grader no i was i was like, I had the baby fat for a while. I was like a 10-pound baby. Baby fat? I was a 10-pound baby, dude. Really? 10 pounds is big as fuck. Mm-hmm. All head.

All head and fucking meat just coming, fucking terrorizing Legoland, right? So I remember on one play, this kid got by me, and I somehow reached back. I just had my ring finger in his sock me and I somehow reached back I just had like my ring finger in his sock and he was so unathletic he was like he was like dragging me

along the ground and the coaches were watching and the coach just sort of walked up because it was happening so slow because we were just little kids he just goes he goes

are you on offense or defense I'm like offense he goes let go of him I gotta give it up to that kid he dragged my giant head in my adult sized cup for a good fucking

10 yards oh man I remember the I remember the switch over from to bike helmets bike was the we had Rydell helmets

which were heavy they were like fucking cement blocks on your head all the coaches used to wear the bike shorts oh yeah I remember those polyester things and then they got bike helmets bike helmets were lighter and they were more cushioned more comfortable dude you had to have the bike shorts with the the white socks yanked up to here and then those those spot belts which i don't know why nobody's ever brought those things back those after turf shoes oh the

first ones that came out yeah the front end looked like a shark a shark nose those things back those after turf shoes oh yeah the first ones that came out yeah the front end looked like a shark a shark nose those things were the shit goddamn my first i played football in seventh grade seventh and eighth grade seventh grade very first play middle linebacker tackle middle linebacker linebacker uh pass over the center first play of the game first play of i get subbed in in, first play, I intercept it. I run it down to the one yard line. I remember,

I remember thinking, this is what life's going to be like, just all roses. Yeah. And then they were like, you're now the starting linebacker. I was in seventh grade

playing JV. Up until like 10th graders were playing it. And so, yeah. How were you in junior high and you got on the JV high school team?

That was how berkeley worked it was berkeley prep was if you tried out you went to another fucking school you went to the next school above you no no no it was a it was a k through 12 uh school so what is this like little house in the prairie do they have like one school room yeah no no it was a big campus it was a private school we played other private schools and so you were a privileged kid oh yeah i didn't know that yeah yeah i mean not my i wouldn't say i would say privileged definitely because i mean i i the my dad when i was 26 gave me the speech of like you're a piece of shit you've never earned anything in your life you don't know what you're doing and would you just go i know you're right i did it was my birthday and i went you probably got mad you're not supposed to agree

you don't have any fight in you christ you're just like your mother but yeah then what you did to him helen and then uh ran that's for and then got worked i mean i got worked for seventh and eighth grade and i just was getting the shit beaten out of me by bigger kids. I had that one good play, and then I quit, played baseball, just played baseball. Yeah, I remember I actually was, you know, I wanted to play football really bad, and I was, you know, upset that, you know,

my grades weren't where they needed to be. My parents, you know, my parents are conservative, so, like, it's just like, no, you didn't earn it. And it was a great lesson, but I remember one of my buddies, also named Bill, he played, he was my size and he played and i remember he came to school one day and they were beating the shit out of him so bad like he literally had a he had a bruise on his back that that like was like the mesh of his like

yeah jersey yeah so he had like the like the he had like like the little white dots of uh i think that was the color of his skin and and the bruise was the shirt. Dude, I'd have those on my arms. I got beat so bad. And I really think about this with CTE. I remember one time we played a game, and all I did the whole game, I was playing outside linebacker. All I did was run into this kid with my head for fucking an entire –

I must have done it a hundred times. And I just think of that sometimes like, fuck, if CTE – like regular people can get CTE too, I definitely got it. What do you mean regular people? Meaning like not just pro athletes. Oh, yeah. Like if we can get it from just – do you know they were saying that you can get CTE from riding roller coasters?

I did that professionally for fucking three years i remember one time the blizzard of 78 it was a big thing in boston blizzard of 78 it was a nor'easter dude you sounded like such an old man right there it was the perfect 78 it's not that fucking long ago for us yeah we keep going that's 40 years ago yeah but it's in our lives yeah a kid hears that and goes that's like when we'd hear old men go i remember uh the the typhoon of 1937 gather around children what happened in the blizzard well uh you know we we only had one car uh yeah that's how most people were like that we had one car and we were living in a duplex. We had squirrels in the wall. I would try to, you know, I would scare them to make them come out and my dad would kill them.

I remember one time I had this broom and I'm fucking going like that and this motherfucking, this squirrel ran up the broom. Its eyes were like this, was just fucking running. you got the broom and i was fucking running at you dude went up my arm and over my shoulder i felt its little feet launch off my shoulder i was just like and then it ran in it was dude the house was so fucked up because it was a big beautiful old house oh but they split it in half and our door, this is the funniest shit ever. The back door opened into a half a bathroom. Like, you opened it. It was like a toilet there and a sink.

So it ran over my shoulder and went in there and it had nowhere to go. And my dad just cornered it and took it out. I remember another one. This woman was looking out and he had this fucking giant fucking steak. Not the big one, your cutter one, the one that you cut off your vegetables. The chopping, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The chopping one. And he just fucking got it. It's crazy. So wait, name all your houses you lived in growing up. How many I had? I lived in- And give me a little description. Almost like they were girlfriends.

There's too many weirdos out there. And give me a little description. Almost like they were girlfriends. There's too many weirdos out there. I lived in one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven places. I lived in two. Maybe three if you're going to count. We had an apartment at Riverbend.

Florida's too hot, man. You're not going to pack up and move your shit. Yeah. Humidity. You're just like, ah, fucking. We used to go in the winter. It was nice. What were the different neighborhood kids like? Like if you we used to go in the winter it was nice was it what would

the what were the different neighborhood kids like like if you could describe the kids in the different neighborhoods when i was really young because i'm you know i'm old enough that i remember like pretty much all of the 70s so did you ever see uh over the edge you never saw that movie i don't think so what is it ah it's about troubled kids Troubled white kids In suburban development Wait, wait, wait, hold on Not Matt Dillon, but was it Matt Dillon was in it They went to like a rec center

And then, yeah, I definitely saw Over the Edge Fuck yeah, I saw Over the Edge So that's what my neighborhood was like For real? It was just big kids doing drugs And doing bad shit And if you were a little kid and they came around They would just beat you up Break your toys For real? It was just big kids doing drugs and doing bad shit. And if you were a little kid and they came around,

they would just beat you up, break your toys. That was like that. I always tell this story, especially because of F is for Family. The first episode, Bill's up in a tree and these big kids come along. Well, they chase him up the tree and they start throwing rocks and then fireworks at him. That was based on a true story. There wasn't fireworks, but me and my buddy, my best friend as a friend as a kid we were like two little kids hey let's go climb a tree we climbed up the tree and these big kids came by and they just saw us up there and they just

started throwing fucking rocks at us until they got tired we were up there just hanging on crying and then they finally left and then we just. I think we climbed down at that point. You know, it happened so much. I didn't even tell my mom. It was just part of going outside. It was part of growing up. It was a part of going outside. I was saying to someone the other day,

I didn't ask for toxic masculinity. It just was given to me by the neighborhood kids. Please don't say those stupid feminist toxic masculinity. But you know what I'm talking about. You know what the fuck I'm talking about is the being a fucking meathead. As opposed to what, climate-controlled cunts? No. No.

Dude, I am so fucking sick of feminists. Those stupid-ass fucking speeches they're always giving on what you're supposed to be as a guy. It's like, what the fuck are you supposed to be as a woman? Can you imagine if I gave that fucking speech? Shut the fuck are you supposed to be as a woman can you imagine if i gave that fucking speech shut the fuck up can you imagine if you could just tweet out legit hatred for women and people were like so brave so brave so courageous yes so brave just you know this is a voice that needs to be heard yeah that's it is gotten you know what this is i'd say this to some of you the day that like

the hardcore feminists do not want to fix what's wrong they want to be what's wrong they what do you mean they don't want to fix it they just want to be in power telling everybody what the fuck to do yeah now you shut the fuck up dude if you look at their fucking t-shirts the future is feminine okay that's inclusive there's no because they're always like this is not inclusive. We need to shut this fucking thing. A buddy of mine, he had a daddy-daughter dance. They shut that down because it wasn't fucking inclusive.

For real? Yeah, because two fucking assholes complained. Really? Yeah. That's fucking ridiculous. What do you mean, really? You think I'm going to come on here and lie to you? No, but that's fucking ridiculous. You think I am?

You have a great beard, by the way. Thank you. You do. You have a really fucking, by the way. Thank you. You do. You have a really fucking, you got it like, you should be out there looking for crab out in the high seas.

Herbert Kreischer. I'm sweating it. If you had to have a job based on your look, what would your job be? Like, meaning if someone was like, oh, that guy definitely does dot, dot, dot.

Cancer survivor. I'd go to meetings meetings you can beat it i'm still here uh i would run a fake dojo because i kind of look like when you have a you're a white guy and you shave your head either look like you know jujitsu or you just survive some fucking ailment so i think i could have a dojo out here for a little bit before rogan exposed me you know i love when he when he posts those things those guys you know they just you just look at somebody and they like fall down i would have one of those dojos yeah if you could take a pillow then would put all your hair back just as you were born would you do it um only

because i'm considerate of other people and i know it would weird them out i wouldn't do it that's why you wouldn't do it? I don't want people just going Yeah, it looks good Fucking Chia Pet I kind of like it I like having a shaved head I actually really like it

I want a shaved head You know what I love about it? What? Dude, you're always ready to go You're just ready to go I mean, nobody knows you didn't fucking You don't have you don't have to take a shower dude you just fucking it's like flying with no luggage as long as

your shirt is not wrinkled you can just walk i mean what do i gotta there's nothing to comb there's nothing nothing you're ready to go so wait how long did it take you to get ready today i haven't showered since fucking 84 no yeah i want to shave mine so bad but i think i have a big head i don't think i'd look right no it's what you want to do this is how you decide if you need the hair plugs or not okay because when you touch the back of your head if you got a nice little fucking speed bump back there it's gonna look good but if you got like the fucking no back here back here oh but if you got the fucking like if your head's shaped like a question mark that's when it gets weird where it looks like your spine was fused i think mine

looking by the back of mine no you look great you look great and then you got that badass beard dude yeah start getting some tats exactly like sagura you just you just roll with it yeah i gotta sleeves get sleeved in tats. Oh, yeah. The first tattoo I wanted to get was a face tattoo. I was thinking just getting one tattoo and get a face tattoo. Florida, the state of Florida right here. Yeah. That sounds about right.

Nothing about that story surprised me. Really? Fucking repping my state, man. Yeah. Do you feel like, how much of Boston do you think, man. Do you, do you feel like, do you, how much of Boston do you think, or Massachusetts defines you?

Not Boston. Not, not, not, I mean, I went into Boston, but I am not a Boston kid. I am a suburban kid,

which is ever since Goodwill hunting, everybody just thinks you lived in Southie and all that shit. I didn't, I lived in the suburbs. I wouldn't go to Southie back when Southie was Southie. all that shit. I didn't. I lived in the suburbs. I wouldn't go to Southie. Back when Southie was Southie, they could just smell the suburbs on you. Really? And something was going to happen.

Who's a Southie kid that I know? Sue Costello. No, she was Dorchester, I think. Who's a Southie kid? Did I ever know a Southie kid? I don't know, dude. No, but like in comedy. Like is there?

I don't know. There was a guy, Doug Signe. I don't know. I know Doug Signe. Yeah, where was? Doug Signe, I would. Was he East Boston? Dude, he was so fucking, he toured with Robert Schimmel.

He was so funny when I was working the door boss i'm still friends with him man for real yeah yeah is he still doing stand-up no what happened he went back to finance he's fucking crushing it really oh crushing it crushing like like he he is just he's got a fucking summer house and all that every time i talk to him he's down his summer house fucking grilling having a couple of sam adams he was funny as shit he married like a angel and they got the greatest kid ever he's got a son man it's just awesome god yeah yeah yeah so i like i like hanging out with like uh people like that like normal people you know occasionally smoking a cigar with a lunatic like you he's got he's normal but he's got a hand of lunatic

huh doug's got a hand of blue everybody in massachusetts is a fucking lunatic really for the most part yeah it's just florida it's just like everyone in florida is an addict like my is that right it's a hint of addict in all of us now one person comes out of that state unscathed yeah i remember talking to kimberly is there a rehab state for all you guys to go to i remember talking to kimberly congan who's from florida and she was like we were sharing florida stories she was like do you remember the first time you got in a car and put a beer between your legs to drive and someone's like what the fuck are you doing you're like oh we did this in florida all the time oh no we did that oh dude you wouldn't had a problem you wouldn't be like this guy's all right yeah they would have thought you were gay because your hat any sort of flair that you were gay and you were gonna get killed you know where i came from dude i'll

tell you a fucking hilarious thing that happened i was doing a the wilbur theater one time and i was derosa was opening for me and um afterwards we were hanging out with all the knuckleheads i used to fucking drink with right i still in contact with all these guys. I love them, right? Yeah. So I see DeRosa. You know, DeRosa's like, DeRosa walks the line. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he does. He's like a guy's guy, but he also loves sex in the city and the Golden Girls. Skinny jeans. So I'm actually nervous for him. You know, he's wearing sort of a fucking, you know, he has like a cool concert t-shirt, but then has a Mr. Rogers sweater over it. You know, he just always like,

you just can't, you can't, you can't nail that guy down, right? So I see him over there talking to my buddies and I'm looking and they're laughing and they're liking him. And I'm like, okay, cool. Cause I was like almost like, you know, when your friend was going to get bullied,

you're kind of looking out for him. So all of a sudden Droza comes over, right? And he's got that, you know, when Joe's like upset about something, you know, when your friend was going to get bullied, you're kind of looking out for him. So all of a sudden, Drozda comes over, right? And he's got that, you know, and Joe's like upset about something, you know, his face guy. And I was going, what's the matter, man? He goes, I don't know. He goes, I was talking to one of your friends over there

and everything was going great. Then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking to me. Like I was talking to him and he just stopped talking to me. I got out. Hey, what's going on? I was like, ah, you know, maybe, you know, my friends are getting drunk, whatever. I don't know, whatever. And then like fucking an I was like, ah, you know, maybe, you know, my friends are getting drunk, whatever. I don't know, whatever.

And then like fucking an hour later, one of my buddy comes up and he goes, hey, he goes, what's up with your boy? And I go, what do you mean? Oh, he's cool. What's the matter? He goes, an hour ago, I asked him what he wanted to drink. He ordered a white Russian and that was it. And the guy wrote him off.

He thought he was gay. He thought he was gay. He thought he was gay and he stopped talking to him. Because he ordered a white Russian. Yeah, that's Massachusetts. Oh, fuck. Dude, and that happened like five years ago. And I was just looking at him like, it was like he was in a time machine.

And I died laughing going like, you never saw the big Lebowski? And he's like, no. Oh, dude. Yeah, no, those guys all like, you never saw The Big Lebowski? And he's like, no. Oh, dude. Yeah, no. Those guys all like, you know, like White Snake and all of that shit still listen to that. Not all of them, but I'm just saying, you know what I mean? And then they watch movies.

Like if you wanted to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off with him, oh, it's the greatest fucking movie ever. Anything after that, no clue. How easily could you fold back into your group of friends that you grew up with say like uh they're like oh comedy's over everyone no more comedy you got to go back home well my friends are married with kids now so it's not the same but like no but no meaning like how they say comedy's over you got to quit and you got to go home back to where you grew up everyone from la you got to go home to back where you grew up and get a job could you fold back into that group of friends easily yeah oh in a fucking heartbeat yeah i could and in fact i actually think that i'm less mature than a lot of them they are because they

got married and had kids and everything yeah and like i saw them clocking the level that i was drinking at you know it was just like wow like because my drinking was beyond what my drinking was with them because i used to just drink beer yeah but then as i got older rather than quitting i was like well i'll switch to hard stuff because i don't want the calories yeah vodka yeah i'll have a skinny girl martini please oh my friends turn it up when i'm in tampa because they think like how How do you not? They're just like, oh, this is it.

We made it. Let's fucking, oh, dude. I mean, I get. Is it Ybor City? Ybor City. I'm at the Tampa Theater. Dude, that place has a vibe like Boston used to be late night. Yeah.

Like that's one of those places you go to and you're just like, someone's going to get suckered. You can just feel it. There's going to be that. No one in the right mind. I never liked the fights, man. I always, that nauseating sound of someone getting hit and then their head bouncing off the pavement,

I was just always like, all right, I don't need to get a slice of pizza here. I said to someone, I was like, everyone says don't hit women. I go, how about don't hit anybody? I don't like getting hit either. Don't hit anybody. There's no like getting hit either like it's don't hit anybody like there's no excuse to hit a woman but there's no excuse to hit a guy it's all right yeah you can fucking sucker punch me no but i think that that's why uh in a way we're not as

crazy as they are you know guys are like you know generally speaking dumber than women yeah but we're not as crazy as they are and i just when i find can you imagine the level of asshole you would be if it was socially unacceptable to hit you like because i always as a guy you just have that in the back of your head where you're just like you know what i mean this is an hour conversation that i've had with my wife a million times yeah she gridlocks traffic because she there's not the threat of someone pulling her out of the car and beating the fuck out of her. I go, you can't gridlock. Just because you have the green and you see it turn yellow, that doesn't mean you have to go in the middle of the median. She goes, it's my turn.

And I go, no, it's not. That is so authentic what you just said. The level of asshole I would be if I knew it was socially unacceptable to hit me, fuck off. I would be unbearable. Unbearable. Unbearable. Unbearable.

Unbearable. Un-fucking-bearable. Exactly. Fuck! Yeah, and that's why it is so difficult when men and women coexist because we're morons and they're unbearable. Let's see Dr. Phil come up with that. Let's see him say that to his fucking crowd.

Did you ever see the video? Did you ever see the video? I'm sure you have of the Dominican guy on the train that has the eight ball jacket. And these three girls are making fun of him. Three black chicks are making fun of him. Oh, and he just. And he slaps her. Oh my God. Three black chicks are making fun of him. Oh, and he just. And he slaps her.

Oh, my God. So I. First Ballot Hall of Fame slap. Dude, from fucking Maine to New Mexico. It is the. You didn't think he made it all the way out to the coast? No, because he stopped at her face. I would give him Arizona.

I'd give him Arizona. He. I showed that. I was talking about it. We're at a dinner party with all the kids around, all the parents. And I was talking about it we're at a dinner party with all the kids are around all the parents and i'm talking about it and i show it to the husbands the dads who'd never seen it and everyone goes oh fuck and then the boys the young boys come around to carter max and i show it to them and it was so weird that we were a bunch of men and all the women were looking at us celebrating a guy hitting a woman.

Like we were like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. And they were like, what are you doing to our children? Are you showing them a man hitting a woman? And I went, yeah, but you should see the video too. Like it's – take a look. And I realized I was just basically just – and it was watching us watch that was like, what we should have done has been like.

Do you feel he's more of a gentleman because it wasn't closed fist? Yeah, I mean, he beat the fuck out of her boyfriend. Oh, he did? After that, yeah. One guy stepped in and he beat the fuck, guy was six, seven. I'd rather take a fucking slap than a closed fist any day.

Oh, easy. Slap you just insulted. Dude. There's a video of him. It's like, what are you going to have a duel? There's a video of him after where he goes to a press conference with his attorney. And the first thing he says, Bill, is, this has been so horrible for me. I can't wear this jacket anymore.

Because they were making fun of his jacket. He goes, I loved this jacket. That's all he thought about. I loved this jacket. Now I can't wear this jacket. That's what he took away from that whole experience. Once again, we're morons. They're unbearable.

And every once in a while, something gives. Dude, I know more about that guy than I'm comfortable sharing. Can you imagine the shock? Like, you never got hit in your life, and you're constantly yelling at somebody that fucking outweighs you by 100 pounds. 100?

This guy's 6'7". He was 6'7". Yeah. From the Dominican Republic. Yeah. I wouldn't yell at a guy 5'7". I don't know what the fuck he knows. He can put me in an arm bar.

All these fucking kids know UFC shit now. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah. She's yelling at... I don't raise my voice at anyone who's fucking Shaves. Yeah. She's fucking yelling at James Worthy. Fucking Orlando Woolrich.

What the fuck are you doing? What do you think is going to happen? Oh. Oh, my God. No, but that's a bad thing, though. Because the bad thing about that for her is All they're going to say is that you're the victim And he shouldn't have done that

Which is true She got arrested Oh really She hit him first So she got arrested for assault What fucking utopia bus ride was this She Hit him first And so when they looked at the video,

she actually got in more trouble. Can we have a benefit for that guy and get him a new eight-ball jacket, something different? He came here to play baseball, play minor league baseball, and he fizzled out. And so one of my favorite things to do is take those videos. I wonder what his nickname was. The slapper.

Slap on. The windmill. The windmill. Slap. Something The windmill. The windmill. Something. The nor'easter. He had to be a pitcher. Yeah, because he was saving his hand. He had a pitch the next day.

He didn't want to fucking ruin it. She took a slap from a guy who threw a fucking 90-mile-per-hour fastball. By the way, hats off to her. She took it like a champ. I think that woman's sexy, by the way. She came back, though, like fucking Roberto Duran. There's a part right before she hits him. Like Hulk Hogan.

She does something with her lip where she goes like, like this, and it's so hot. It's so fucking hot. What are the things that women do? You know what I think? A woman that's good at shooting pool, I always thought was hot. I remember I liked Angelina Jolie

and then I saw she knew how to fly a plane. I'm like, that's one of the hottest chicks ever. She can fly a plane? Yeah. Beautiful women that can actually do shit. They usually just sit there and act bored and look at their phones. I'm trying to think right now

of what a woman... Are we going to get any advertising on this? Beautiful woman who just looks at her phones. That's what I have with most beautiful women. They're always fucking bored. I think that that's their thing because they just kind of got there because they're beautiful

and they don't want to be exposed. So their big thing is they just got to act like they're bored and just like rolling their eyes. They're sitting next to a Super Bowl trophy looking at their fucking Instagram. That's the move. I got into a fight with Stacey Dash.

Do you remember her? Oh my God, is she beautiful. She is gorgeous. And has some interesting political opinions. I got into a fight with her at spin class because this is probably... Wait, you took a spin class? I'm still taking spin classes.

Was she mad because you were sweating all over and you made her bike slide out of the fucking room it's before class started this was before i'm this is right when i met leanne's probably 15 years ago and right she had done clueless she was still a working actress and i put all my stuff on my spin bike it would cry a crunch you dip and then your little dip cup no my water bottle my towel i had my titos every my titos my hat. And then I went over to do crunches before spin class. I did crunches.

I came back, and all my stuff was moved to another bike. And the bikes were very – the bikes weren't all up to par, so you knew what the good bikes were if you went there. And she wanted my bike, and she had her stuff on my bike. And I went, hey, and now she's sitting on my bike with her stuff i said my stuff was on there and she goes no it wasn't and i said no it was and someone else goes actually that was he did put his stuff i saw you move it she goes yeah this is my bike i wanted this bike and and i was like yeah but my stuff was there and she was like

but i want it and i went no no that's not how it works. And I got upset. And she started crying. Who started crying? Stacey Dash. Oh, dude, if you started crying, you would have got the bike back. And immediately, Bob. But that's my bike. By the way, by the way. I got it first.

Yeah, you should have gone Rain Man on her. And I got really fucking upset. And I was like, no, that's not how this fucking works. You don't get to cry. Hey, where's my bike? You don't get to cry and just get out of it. And Bob Harper from Biggest Loser was our spin teacher. This is a fucking crazy story.

Oh, the fucking personal trainer who had the heart attack. Yeah. That scared the shit out of me. He's our spin teacher. And he goes, hey, guys, let's not start class with this energy. And I was like, I didn't. I put my, she did. And he goes, come on, man, calm down.

And I was like, I'm not the one. Like, i got so fucking mad that whole spin class i was fucking angry at her and just mad dogging her staring her like a lunatic just and she and and bob the whole class kept going all right let's let go of anything that happened earlier but i was so fucking pissed that that spilled into one time georgia you know i would have done if stacy dash took my bike what i would have walked up all mad then i would have saw and i'd be like you're beautiful just want to go to another bike i gotta commend you she's so beautiful yeah i had an audition one time and i didn't know it was her she's gorgeous man it's like ridiculous that's the thing you know with all

these you know these fives and sixes now complaining about how they can't star in movies and how they want them to lose weight and shit like that. It's just like, they should just wheel her out. You know what I mean? And just be like, this is what you want to see on a giant screen. I was just talking to Rogan about this. I did

three lines in a movie, as always. Which one? The candidate? Gary Hart? The front front runner that fucking movie looks awesome yeah it is awesome dude i remember that gary hart shit i don't mean to derail you plug it half as much as they're plugging fucking aquaman dude jesus christ that guy's for him and his fucking abs and his trident he's everywhere gorgeous he's a gorgeous well that head of hair and by the way not i want to hear this rogan story but you know what nicole goodman nicole goodman not nicole goodman nicole kidman nicole kidman they asked her what

did you think about john goodman yeah nicole kidman john goodman she goes uh just look at him she just basically eye candied him like oh my god look at him his hair his muscles and i was like can you imagine if a man did that they're like hey what did you think of the movie she's like just look at her her tits her ass i mean it was a great movie that's what imagine if a man did that? They were like, hey, what did you think of the movie? She's like, oh, just look at her. Her tits, her ass. I mean, it was a great movie. But that's what we do. We just did that to Stacey Dash. We're doing it right now. Keep going.

We always do it. Yeah. We can't do it out loud anymore. But they should do it to us. Yeah. I don't have a problem with that. I wouldn't have a problem if you passed over me, which I know you would. I'd be like, yeah, I understand.

Keep it moving. Yeah. Much better sights down the road, ladies. What were you going to say about Rogan? Oh, we were just talking about, I was talking about how I did this movie one time. So I had a couple lines in this movie. So I'm sitting in the back seat

and the star of the movie is in the front seat. I remember to start the scene, she grabbed onto the wheel. And I remember, this is a thought I never had about any woman in my life. I looked at her and I was like, her forearms are gorgeous. She had the most beautiful forearms.

It was just like, they were so like, I was just staring at them. I've never seen anything like that in my life. How do you have beautiful forearms? Who was she? Can you say who she was? Unlike you, I can keep a secret.

I don't want to do that to somebody. Just beautiful? Yeah, just sitting there thinking I wasn't thinking about the scene. I was staring at your fucking forearms. That's actually creepier than if you look at her tits or her ass. That's like understandable. Dude.

Forearms is like, oh, God. Nikki Glaser's got great veins in her arms. Isn't it funny, the shit that gets you going? Yeah, I literally, I just did a podcast with her, and I was looking at her arms have these great veins, and I was like, and then I'm looking at my wife the next day going, where the fuck are your veins? Can't have these great veins. And I was like, and then I'm looking at my wife the next day going, where the fuck are your veins? Can't have one fucking vein.

That's the funny thing about being a guy is you can look like us and sit there critiquing women. Yeah. She's hot, didn't like her veins. Four arms were a seven. Dude, we would do that in college, ruin a dude's chick. Just ruin his chick. Like, start dating her, and we'd wait till he got there

we're all sitting around and be like yeah it's not bad her ankles are a little fucked up that's why i love seinfeld the reasons he broke up with women yeah it was was that was such a guy thing yeah fucking terrible laugh remember the girl with the bad laugh he was like all psyched he was having a great time they told a joke and it was done so perfectly he was he walked into his back room and she's like and then he just fucking he just put his head back and he just goes like oh my god oh that was what that was when i knew i was growing up is when i could look past things that my friends would trash a chick on and go yeah but i love her like leanne can't wear shorts like her short she never looks good in shorts.

Leanne doesn't know how to wear shorts. Does she have a blue collar body where your trunk is way longer than your legs? I don't know, man. She doesn't look good in shorts. I dated a girl like that. She had a really long, she had a blue collar back. She had a body like Rich Voss. You know what I mean?

Where you're just designed to pick up shit. You don't have to bend your knees. You just pick up a box and put it on a fucking truck. She had this long upper body, and she used to wear these little short shorts all the time. She had a nice ass and stuff, so now I'm walking down the street in New York, and I got to fucking deal with all these guys looking at her and shit.

And I'm like, can't you wear like, you know, because Jordan was still in the league and shit. You can't wear, you're wearing the Larry Bird. Can you bust out some Jordans? She goes, she laughs. She goes, still in the league and shit you can't wait you're wearing the larry birds can you bust out some jordans she goes she's laughed she goes like no i can't i can't she goes look at my legs if they're too fucking short she put on my shorts one time i fucking cried laughing she was cool as shit she laughed too she goes i can't i can't fucking wear them yeah we went to a baseball game when we first started dating you know when you're like looking for the flaw in the chick you're like what is it what is it what is it and then she came out and she just her selection of shorts it's not that she can't wear

them it's her selection of shorts is just fucked up her to this day if you if i say hey put on a pair of shorts come over meet me and bill she'd wear uh mid-thigh jean shorts to this day to this day great legs right just her selection of shorts and i I was able to look past that and love her anyway. Yeah. No, when you, as a guy, see a flaw and it's cute, that means you got feelings for them. Dude, she's got a hole on her face right here from a pour. She had a dried out pour, and there's a hole in her face.

And I love it. I love it. I love that hole more than anything in the world. But if I saw it on someone else. This is really getting creepy. Yeah. I love that hole more than anything in the world. But if I saw it on someone else. This is really getting creepy. Yeah. I love that hole. I love that fucking hole.

If somebody just walked in right now. Oh, I love that hole. Oh. I want you to see it. I bet you haven't even noticed it, but I want you to see it. And then you'll go like, that could be a game changer. But for me, I love that hole. Is that the end of the podcast like i really don't know where

to go after that no no no what's what's what's a flaw that nia has that you love my wife is fucking gorgeous but what's a flaw she has a fucking j-lo body dude she's fucking gorgeous but what's a flaw that you see in her sometimes and you go, but now I love it. Physical? Anything. She can't be without flaw. Oh, yeah. Her fucking personality

shit. You're going to get me in trouble here. You know what i i can't stand the most about her what is the look on her face when she can't hide her contempt for me oh fuck that's the fucking worst when when i'm fucking knowing that she's hating me which is part of being married when you just go through a time where the person who was dumb enough to marry you fucking hates you. And she gets this look on her face. And then I'm sitting there, you know, the comedian. I have such like a need to be liked. So I'm trying to make jokes and stuff.

And she's just fucking sitting there like. She just like, yeah, like she has a look on her face like she's she's got two more stops on the subway before she's fucking getting off and and like i'm this fucking asshole hitting on her like like that and it's it kills me and and women are so smart i know she knows that it kills me so i think she even fucking ramps it up. I love when Leigh-Anne cries. Like when she cries, she looks so sexy. So do you like deliberately say mean shit to her just to get her going? It's got to be organic.

Look at those shorts. Oh. Look at those shorts. You look like Rich Voss going to a fucking fair. Dress like Rich Voss doing a nooner. No, no, she's... Yeah, she doesn't have a lot of flaws, but... Are you older than her?

Yeah. I'm 10 years older. Really? Oh, yeah. I got a young model, man. Leanne's older than me. Michael and Black's wife's older than him.

We were doing a show together. Oh, my God. You married a woman older than you? Yeah. Have you ever won an argument at least i have 10 years of fucking life experience every once in a while i can kick a field goal i've never won an argument i have never i had i've only thing i've ever won is she doesn't she doesn't know how to fight like she doesn't know how to argue and fight, meaning she gets mad and angry and then...

Oh, then you lose. That's me. That's my life. Yeah, and I can apologize. She can't apologize. As far as arguments, your one loss record, what professional franchise is most like you? The Clippers?

I'm like the San Diego Chargers where I'm almost there I'm in the AFC championship game and then I take a fucking unnecessary roughness or some stupid they beat the Patriots they stopped us on fourth and whatever and they took an unnecessary roughness call

on that play and gave first down to Tom Brady and Bill Belichick that was it, over, lost I'm the Bucs. You got a ring though. No, yeah. I got the ring. I was really bad at the beginning. Like in my infancy years.

And you changed your uniform. Yeah, I changed my uniform. I glassed it up and now I can make it look like... So what was your championship? What argument? Because I have one. I have an AFL title. That's the closest I ever come to winning an argument argument i got one and i remember where it was we were living in this apartment when we first moved out to la and she was wrong and i was right and she was pushing my buttons like they do like oh fuck i'm wrong here so i'm just gonna make you mad and then you're

gonna say something crazy and then that's what the fight's going to be about right and i just stayed in the pocket star wars stay on target stay on target and i just kept my fucking cool and then she lost it and then she said to me she goes she goes uh she goes are you happy you want she goes yeah what'd she say she goes you made me mad you won are you happy? Oh, shut up. And walked out. And then I quickly did the math going like, what the fuck does that mean? And I walked in. I go, what does that mean?

And she's, get the fuck away. I'm doing all this shit. I go, what does that mean, what you just said? She goes, what? I go, you said. Did I just win the lottery? No. You said you made me mad.

You won. What does that mean? Because I think that's what you fuck you do to me in every argument. This is what I did. Rather than get carried off the field, I decided to play another hand of fucking blackjack. And then I lost that in there. But she knew what I was saying. Because I was like, I think that's what the fuck you do to me in arguments.

Really? And I completely ignored my irrational temper that i have how easy it is to make me fucking mad that most times she's probably not doing that and i'm in a conspiracy theory so it's just like oh man this is the one doing the chem trails i'm living with her my problem is i get into a fight and uh and i'm usually drunk and she can spin me into it really is like fucking with a crazy person she can spin me in nine different directions and confuse me well you already have the bedspin so she kind of helped her yeah already going and then you're the next thing you know i'm sitting in the kitchen

going wait hold on hold on this wait i don't what like i get confused really easily in our fights i have one fight yeah i get really confused god bless your wife I was just picturing the dumb look on your face Can you imagine being married to someone Who gets confused in arguments Wait a minute What was my point And she stays with you What a fucking angel you married

And you're younger Oh god How many kids do you have Two That took so long Oh, God. How many kids do you have? Two. I don't know why that took so long. Two. She probably looks like she has three kids. Oh, without a doubt.

Without a fucking doubt. She definitely has three kids. I got her to say she was sorry once. She won't say she's sorry. She has one kid and one crazy homeless guy. That's what I am in the house. She won't say she's sorry. She will't say she's sorry. My wife has one kid and one crazy homeless guy. That's what I am in the house. She won't say she's sorry. She will not say she's sorry.

Isn't that a nice trait? That's always fun. But then she'll do this when she'll go, I'm sorry. Is that what you want? And I go, no, you didn't say you're sorry.

I wanted a legit I'm sorry without the little appendix you put on the end of it. Watch. I'll be Leanne, you be Bert. i'm sorry without the little uh appendix you put on the end of it i'm what i'll be leanne you'd be burnt um i'm sorry is that it then you know what i would say what that's not the way an adult apologizes now you have to tell me how i'm gonna say i'm sorry you're gonna tell me how to say i'm sorry i'm sorry okay i'm not gonna tell you how to say you're sorry yeah you're telling me right now you're gonna you're telling me right now how to say you're sorry yeah you're telling me right now you're gonna you're telling me right now how to say i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry is that what you want is that were any of

those good for you you know i really wish i was filming you right now sweetheart you could see how ridiculous you look uh i've i've actually filmed us bill to show her how she's saying it i thought you're gonna keep doing it this, you know, this is like practice, dude. I had, uh, I had Chris D'Elia break up with me on my podcast one time and immediately the way he did it, I got really uncomfortable.

Oh, how does he do it? He just, he was like, listen, I, and the way he did it was so real. He must've broken up with so many chicks that the second he started it,

I got fucking, I was like, hold on one second. Like I wanted him back. I wasn't even dating him. It's hilarious. He does have great hair. God, Woken up with so many chicks. The second he started it, I got fucking, I was like, hold on one second. Like, I wanted him back. I wasn't even dating him. It's hilarious. Well, he does have great hair.

God, he has great hair. He's a dreamboat. He really is. He's like romance novel. If you could have one head of hair of any comedian working right now, who would it be? Carrot Tops. I had to go redhead. Oh, fuck yeah. That motherfucker has a lion's mane.

God, I want a great body. I just started following him on Instagram. That guy's a fucking... I met him one time. He's the fucking coolest dude ever. He was doing theaters when no comics were doing theaters. And he always had a sense of humor about himself. I met him at the Comedy Connection in Faneuil Hall way back in the day.

I think it was Scott. Hey, Scott, what's going on we're just talking i was like hey you know i was a new comic he was just being nice you know from florida yeah and i was like i asked him uh he was talking about some gig he did and i was trying to sound like a comic and i was like oh yeah oh you did that gig oh cool i go how much time did you do when he goes uh two trunks and at that point it's like i you know this guy's just fucking making fun of him like self-deprecation is so underrated yeah it really is that guy's he we in florida loved him because he would come out he's funny he's funny as shit yeah his shows are awesome like you go to a show hilarious we he'd come out with widespread panic and play drums with them or play bongos with them

and so we were all widespread panic fans so you'd be taking acid taking mushrooms all of a sudden carrot top would come out and the place would go fucking nuts dude i i met him a long long time ago i like him a lot good dude and every time every time i go you know you go to vegas you do your gig and then you gotta get the fuck out of there but i always like it was i'm gonna go over the luxor see if i can go over and say what's up to him but it's like the fucking those things the casinosinos, they're like mountains. They seem like they're right there and then you start walking towards them and it's just like, you feel like you're on a treadmill.

So when you do a comedian, when you do a casino, you don't hang out on the floor and gamble and drink with people? No. Oh. That's my favorite part of doing casinos. No, dude, I am a bar fly.

I either go back to the room. What I do now fly like i like i either go back to the room what i do now really now i just go back to the room oh i get a bottle no we mean no no i just invite all the people i want to hang out with and we just go back to the room and we put on a game or whatever and we just you know have a bottle and we just order room service we have a great time and then this is the thing though this is the thing You don't get in any fucking trouble. There's no problems. You can fucking have one and go to bed. You can fucking throw up on yourself.

Nobody sees it. It's just everybody now just tries to get you in trouble and rat you out. And people are not cool anymore. And then everybody has a camera. So then it just becomes that. I'll tell you one of the uh because because i usually you don't you know someone's you know forever no one wanted to so i it's still

cool if somebody does but i remember one time i was i was getting breakfast in versi we were in a corner booth versi was on the side bartnick was on that side my eggs and everything just came and this this woman shows up and she goes uh can i get a picture and i was just you know ready to eat and i had people on either side of me and i just went like really and she goes yeah i respect her so fucking much yeah and i was like all right i got up i took it and i was just like it was just fucking like i never felt more like just like a thing yeah like you didn't feel like a person was like and then i smiled like i wanted to do it i put it out there on rogan that i i don't mind getting recognized i actually kind of enjoy it it feels good you know like you i love it i love it so

that but what i'm eating what i get now is uh people recognize me and go hey man oh dude big fan i know you like this uh hey let's get a picture like they're doing it for me and i'm like whatever no you can go too far with that yeah because i i i saw this guy one time he was on a talk show and he told the story of how uh one of those tmz people figured out where he lived one of the tour people so they were like pulled up to his house and he wanted to be a nice guy so he went out there with little glasses and champagne and you know welcome to hollywood yeah and then then they just went to his house every day and i think he had to move oh you know his wife was just just had to be the good guy, didn't you?

I feel like that would put him. Just had to be the down-to-earth guy. I feel like that would put my kids on Instagram. Dude, I've been smoking this for, what, 45 minutes? Now it's like the size of a regular cigar. Finally, we got to what they call the palm of it. Palm of it? I always thought it was the manure, the hay, and the divine.

What? The manure, the hay, and the divine what the manure the hay and the divine i rolled cigars with a cuban guy and he said the best parts of the palm so when he rolls it that's the softest part that's the part that draws the easiest it's like the the the heart of a watermelon is you know he's like you want to get to the palm i said really he's like oh yeah here try it and we smoked to the part and he goes you're hitting the palm palm. I rolled that. That's my palm right there. I was like, oh, so I always liked the palm. It's the hand of the God right there.

Manuk Bolmester rolled these. I liked the furnace. Me and my brother called it the furnace. Really? In the end, yeah. I remember smoking a cigar with you in my backyard. It was right after the girls watched F is for Family. We watched the whole fucking season.

You came over randomly the next day to smoke cigar and bullshit, and you put a toothpick in it. Yeah. I can't get it. I don't like that part. I like that part. Do we have toothpicks here? Do we have anything?

Wait, they've got to have something here for these fucking drinks. No, that's the best in the end. No, I learned that. That was a story I heard, a Fidel Castro story. I've told this before on a podcast or two. I've heard it. All right. So Fidel Castro, he's in the UN building, okay?

And it's one of those deals where they have to respect your country and obviously your ways and that type of shit before the U.S. tells you how we're going to go in there and take all your natural ways and that type of shit before the u.s tells you how we're going to go in there and take all your natural resources and pay one of you a billion dollars and fuck everybody else it's got out with that's what we do it's our business model so this is what we're pitching to him probably he's not listening oh look at that god bless you thank you rachel everybody all things comedy. I never can remember her name. I'm joking.

She's in every episode of Something's Burning. She is Something's Burning. You should do an episode with just her. Dude, we did one with Donnell. Tell your story about Fidel Castro. Oh, I heard Donnell killed. Dude, Donnell called me the next day and was like, it was on my podcast, so I'm not not sharing secrets but he's like do i've

always wanted to do a cooking show i've no donnell can cook dude he can legit cook yeah i kind of want to just have him do season two of something's burning just to have him have him come in like you know johnny carson you should have a guest host yeah have him guest host something's you should come in guest host something's burning and you should come in, guest host Something's Burning, and you should be the guest. And get Chappelle to be on it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. There's an episode.

I got to tell the Fidel Castro story so people aren't like, what the fuck? Yeah, tell the Fidel Castro story. Story blue balls. So he's in the UN, and they, I guess, appreciate if you don't smoke. So he fucking pulled out a bat, Cuban cigar, probably the size that we have,

and he's just sitting there smoking it, just smoking out the joint. And everybody's just sitting there like, you know, because it's so fucking obnoxious. A cigar, it's like, unless you're, if you're not smoking a cigar, it's the same as playing drums. You know what I mean?

If you're just playing drums, the only person having fun listening to it is you, because everybody else is like, Jesus Christ, with that fucking racket. So he gets all the way down to the end and they're like oh good he's gonna fucking put this thing out and he took his fucking glasses off or something just stuck it in there and just the rest of the way down i was like well if that's how fidel smokes them yeah some cuba how much fun do you think throwing a revolution was? I would say that a Cuban dictator knows how to smoke a cigar.

So if that's the way it's done, then you know. So if you say that I'm wrong, you're saying Fidel Castro's wrong. Top five bad guys in world politics. Idi Amin. Oh, all time? All time. You're Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore. If you had to... Idi Amin. Oh, all time? All time. You're Mount Rushmore.

Mount Rushmore. Idi Amin gets up there? Oh, dude. Well, yeah. You need one Idi Amin. He was barely in the league. Okay. Okay.

Name them off. Top five bad guys. Because you know what? That was a home game. Like, you got to go outside your country and start killing people. Okay. To get into the hall of fame okay let's hear your top five anybody can kill their own people do you get do you put castro

in the top five anyone can kill their own people it's like killing roaches in your apartment i mean go out on the street and come back with a rat that i fucking yeah yeah that guy killed a roach in my house. Yeah, yeah. That guy killed a roach in your house? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. They called him home game Amin. You can only take one from Russia, Lenin or Stalin. Who do you pick? I don't know about Lenin.

I thought he was a nerd. I thought he was a bookworm. Lenin was the first one, right? Stalin's the worst. Stalin's the worst. Who is the... No, but did Lenin... Were they the ones who killed that entire royal family and they just found the skulls? the No but did Lenin Were they the ones Who killed That entire royal family

And they just found the skulls Yep That's Lenin Alright Yeah Very efficient I would No Stalin dude

Stalin I used to do a bit about that He fucking He'd have a picture The two of you guys Smoking cigars And then something He shaved your head

It would weird him out And then Not only did they kill you He had people Paint you out of a picture Like he photoshopped people out of photo out of a picture before photoshop existed really yeah he was like he was he was like one of those people that changed the game he was ahead of his time all right so top five hitler is number one i feel like hitler gang is gone hitler is kind of like the uh he's like the in sync of mass murders it's really like sort of poppy so he's like the beatles well everybody knows

the beatles and everybody knows he's the go-to the go-to evil person like yeah oh he's that was a bit i did stalin was like the jeff beck of mass murder i think i saw this bit yeah like he should be in the conversation wait hold on but unless you're really what murder i think i saw this bit yeah like he should be in the conversation wait hold on but unless you're really what's the bit i was this on the black and white special i saw this bit i don't i don't remember which one but it was it was basically that you know hitler killed depending on who you talk to you know depending on who you talk to yeah like jewish people just bring up the jews he killed six million and then if you talk to other people the gays and and

just people he didn't like people with the same color hair as him gypsies yeah gypsies and all that type of shit people with a limp yeah anybody with uh plantar fissur writers so he killed a lot of people he gets up to like fucking nine million yeah um but like stalin killed like 25 so it's like and it was the same era it wasn't like the nfl where everybody's now thrown for what damn marino threw in 84 yeah okay he he was playing they were like the montana and elway at the same time and he almost tripled his fucking numbers yeah but for some reason because he wasn't because he he was sort of our ally yeah he was but he wasn't you know that i i feel like he gets like uh he gets overlooked he's like the drew breeze he's the drew drew breeze of mass murderers so stall genghis khan's number one he killed the most that's stalling oh the the the fucking guy

he's the the somebody the impaler vlad the impaler vlad the impaler did you ever hear that one where he fucking was sitting there he had a whole field of people that he impaled and basically how they impaled you like i didn't want to get into it it was like a fucking like a goddamn sharpened log it wasn't even a spear it would split you up the back from your asshole throw something on you so you stop bleeding and they would grease this thing and they would put you on top of it and gradually your weight you would you would it would come down until it killed you and some people it literally came out of their mouth oh dude the powerlessness of that yes the you're just laying there like you can't go kill me tell me hell guys i haven't maybe we

should talk this out like none of that happens thanks that to do that so he had a whole field of people that he'd already done that too and he was meeting some other world leader or something who came in and so he's trying to be a tough guy yeah nice work you know and then they sit down have like a ham sandwich, and he's like, can we not fucking do this in front of all of this shit here? Yeah. And it ticked him off, and next thing you know, he was out in the field with one of those.

I mean, it's just like, I mean, what the fuck? Dude. I mean, even Hitler would be like, God damn. I'd say Vlad the Impaler, stalin genghis khan hitler then you got to go garage band oh oh like like a serial killer like jeffrey dahmer eating people no no no no no we're just doing world leaders oh world leaders yeah we're just doing world leaders. What's the guy from fucking Chechnya? Well, we got to put an American in there. I mean, the amount of people we fucking killed.

Yeah, but we're not even remotely close to what those guys did. That's because we're on the umbrella of our own media. Oh, yeah. Yeah. FDR. You put that song on or anything, it makes sense. FDR, didn't he drop two bombs? No, that was the guy after, Truman.

Truman? Truman dropped the bombs? Truman. Oh, yeah. Truman dropped the mic twice. Set was over. He came back for an encore. He gave me a right there Fred twice.

You go to hell for that, right? Well, if you read up enough on World War II, I mean, it was just... Did you ever read a book called Flyboy? Oh, you lost me at read a book. Okay. Tell me about it real quick. Tell me about it real quick, and then I'll tell everyone I read it.

Okay, listen to a book on tape called Flyboy. The Japanese army was the only army that in world war ii had rules uh about cannibalism and their rule was you can't eat another japanese soldier that was it and you should read the book after that and then once you read that book then you're like oh oh these guys were not going to give up and the amount of people we were going to lose i mean it's the world was so fucking crazy that back then that you could actually like you could see how they justified it i mean i could never do it it's one of the reasons why the president ages and fucking dog years isn't that crazy yeah which is why i think that obama arena tour is so

fucking funny to me it's like you were you you were the first lady that's not a job and you wrote a book about not having a job like i don't understand and now you're doing arenas and you look at her how great she looks yeah like yeah she looks awesome like she hasn't aged at all at all she looks like nothing says i don't have a fucking job like not aging over 10 fucking years. Nothing says. Dude, Obama went into office. He looked 41. He came out.

He looked 68. He looks like an old man. He looks frail. How old is he? Like 50? Dude, I think he's like a year older than me. What a fucking loser I am. Yeah, he's Geraldo's age.

Geraldo had that joke about a president is what you would call it, and I'm questioning on whether I should dye my beard. I'm a big believer in going natural. What, not dyeing beards? Yeah, you go natural, you age natural, and then you're like that fucking character-looking actor next to the poor bastard who's good-looking who has to stay that way.

Because if you notice, beautiful people, as much as ugly people in this era are so jealous of them, they're not allowed to age. Because you notice with beautiful people, they always get asked this question like, dude, what happened to her? What happened to him?

Did you see so-and-so? What happened to her? Renee Zellweger. Yeah, and it's just like, what happened to her is the same thing that's happening to you. Okay? It's just that they will weigh the fuck up here. Okay? You just fell off a curb, so nobody noticed.

You're already 30 pounds overweight. Now you're 40. Nobody gives a fuck but like they're not allowed then people say all kinds of like you know horrific shit so there's definitely um renee zellweger looks unrecognizable but she's got plastic surgery to look young again and now you don't recognize but it's settled now now she looks good yeah what about uh jennifer gray remember her jennifer gray from dirty dancing i know so beautiful i loved her nose Yeah? What about Jennifer Grey? Remember her? Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing? I know.

So beautiful. Loved her. Loved her nose. I loved her nose. She was dating Matthew Broderick when he killed those people in Ireland. With what? A hammer? A car.

He was driving. I remember this. I don't know why I remember this. They were dating when he did Ferris Bueller. And he went over to Ireland and he went on the wrong side of the street and killed two people. Oh, wow. Yeah, that was when you could kill people. It's getting dark, dude.

We're talking about impaling and shit. We're in the best part of the cigar, people. This is where the conversation gets real. Jennifer Grey says she went into plastic surgery, a celebrity, and came out unrecognizable. No one knew who she was can you fucking imagine the mind fuck of that you work your whole career to get to a place where people want you in movies and then you go into an audition i don't get is this is what's so fucked up about this city this hollywood is is that she's a fucking great actress.

She made it once. She can't do it again. Amazing actress. Her performance in Dirty Dancing, I watched Dirty Dancing the other night. Which is a guy you shouldn't like, but it's just done so well and their chemistry is so ridiculous that you like it.

That's one of the few like chick flicks that I'll sit down and watch that. So good. So good i actually looked into finding a family camp where other families went that was i wish i could go back to that era where you go me and the family are going up to the pocono's for a month oh the simplicity of that oh and you're all excited because you have some little fucking camper that you train you toe up there and they and you got this huge resort where the kids are off doing kid activities. You're playing poker, having

drinks. The wife's taking dance lessons. That has to come back. It has to, dude. I couldn't find one in California. I couldn't find one family camp. And who's got time to take off? In Dirty Dancing, I think they took off like three weeks. He was a doctor.

And that's just like... My grandfather uh he had a uh he had a dry cleaning business like you know he's part of that generation like the greatest generation so he had to start this thing like three times like everything was going great and then the depression hit and he lost it and then started it again and then world war ii came and he had to fucking fuck that he had to fight and then and then you know when he was in his 40s he finally got the fucking thing going so then he uh my career yeah so yeah no you know what dude if you do it right it takes into your 40s you were the one you were the one i remember we were at the hollywood improv and you you're i think you're second what percentage of stories

have we finished on this podcast zero eight percent i got through the castro we were at the hollywood improv and you were sitting there and you were talking about you're like so i remember you're like we're having a drink you go so what's the fucking deal i just do another special put it out no one watches it what the fuck like What the fuck? Is that what we do? We just put out specials and no one fucking watches them? When's this going to turn? No, because that was... Because what I was learning as a young comic

was that if you're on the road that I'm on, it takes longer. Dave Chappelle told me that. And I, dude, I lived on that when he told me that. He's like, man,

what you're, what you're, you're, you know, what just, you know, your style. He goes,

it's so fucking dope, man. Right. And I'm saying, oh my God, a black guy said I was dope. Right. And he's like the coolest black guy ever.

This is 10 years before dope was cool. Yeah. Man, you're lit as fuck, man. It was one of those fancy handshakes. I. Man, you're lit as fuck, man. It was one of those fancy handshakes. I probably would have quit the business. I did it.

I made it. So he fucking, he said that to me, and I didn't understand it. I mean, I kind of understood it, but I didn't understand it until I went that route. And it wasn't just me. I was watching other people's specials. Like, take Fortune Feimster, where you're just like, like this is clearly the dude.

This is the person you should be fucking watching. And then, but then somebody else wears a silly hat or a fucking, you know. Takes her shirt off. Takes her shirt, yeah. They have a hook. They have a fucking hook.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking, I forgot you take your shirt off. Yeah, they have a hook. They have a fucking hook. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking a lie. I forgot you take your shirt off. Dude, I remember at that time you were probably, I would say you were probably 38, 39 when that was going, maybe 40. And then when I watched you, I remember when you had that run of the, you know, for comics it's always about the folklore that gets spread to us

where someone shares it when you had that run at the wilbur and everyone was like 18 shows in a row can you believe 19 shows in a row i remember thinking maybe maybe it's one of the stupidest things i ever did really oh dude i fucking blew my voice out on the third show and i had some joke in my act where I was talking about some sort of plane crash oh that's right where they find you they find you in a tree like hanging from your seat belt so the act out of it was I would I would be like you know this and I would act out hanging from the seat belt just like this right so I would be like this and in that just that stretch like that three seconds of that punch line like that was that was for me yeah and every night i i took like a little zen three second break

dude i stubbed my toe so fucking bad my foot is purple oh dude me too anyway so like that was i mean it was it was a thrill that everybody showed up and did all of that. But I was definitely thinking, after I blew my voice out, I was like, why didn't I just go to a bigger place and do half as many shows? Do the garden. Which I did the last time.

And this is classic. You want to go back to chick flicks, right? Yeah. So the few times I've been fortunate enough to play like an arena right which is crazy and it makes no sense you have like a mini panic attack when you're in the back going like this makes no fucking sense am i gonna go out there and everyone's gonna be like this guy's a total fucking fraud is it all gonna go away so i'm hanging out no no no it fucking works i'm almost 50 i am 50 50. Fucking, all right.

Trying to get my shit together. And my phone rings. It buzzes. And I look down. And I'm literally about ready to go on stage. Like Verzi or somebody, Tony V, somebody was wrapping up. I think Verzi went on next, right? Second.

And my phone buzzes. And I look down. And I see it's from my wife. I'm like, this is why I married her. She's going to call up. I love you. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could have been there. You gonna kill let me know how it goes right

I pick up the phone she's hysterically crying Like somebody died She's like oh my god baby She's doing this shit Immediately I'm thinking of my kid Like what happened is she okay She goes no no no nothing's wrong i'm like what is it what is it she goes i just saw a star is born it was so good

bursy's doing my intro i'm like honey i got a show that i have to do and then she started hysterically laughing while crying was the cutest thing i'd ever heard yeah she goes oh my god you go on stage and she started laughing yeah she goes i'm so i go he's literally doing my intro and she goes i'm so sorry have a great show and everything and we just fucking and i laughed and i went on stage and immediately told that story and got my first laugh and then the show went great how fucking crazy is that fucking hilarious star was born i evidently i gotta go see i heard lady gaga fucking murdered i heard you just destroyed it and the other guy the other guy played the sniper what are you doing i i gotta fucking i gotta i'm canoeing here oh um wait when did you i would love i'm dying to talk to you about arenas what is that what is that i mean is it's got to be fucking i remember you not having an agent and

a manager and being at the boston comedy club and both your ex agent first 20 years of your career that's basically what you're describing no you i remember you coming off stage you adjust you had a joke about uh you want equal pay then we get to get we get to get in the lifeboats at the same time as you do you remember that joke yeah and so you met with the mic and so just enjoying the cigar so much i forgot i keep forgetting we're doing a podcast but you um i remember that part of your career because you went from you went from like being like you know i wouldn't say a hack but you had the joke about uh about uh diarrhea no selling uh infomercial stuff look at this fucking pan

oh yeah and i did that on Conan. Yeah. So here's one for you. So I was making fun of how they always have the guy like, you know, whatever. It's a microphone. Wait a minute. But can it hear your voice? Yes, it can.

They always had the guy who just was so enamored but didn't understand it. Are you kidding? Yeah. So I did something about a frying pan. So the punchline was like oh yeah you go we're gonna shove it right up your ass and that always murdered yeah and that was the closer yeah i remember so i did i hung on can you remember how you walked after you said that bit you after you go i'm gonna shove it up your ass do you remember you walking do you remember no there was dude i to this day can remember there was like a like

so anyways so i do the set you know in the club they love it or whatever and they approve it and i'm like finally i go this is like i really was feeling good about this set i was going to do on kona right um and uh all of a sudden stand they call up and they go standards and practices has a problem with you saying uh you can't shove anything up somebody's ass on network tv i'm like what do you mean that's like that's like the punch line that closed the set he goes you can't you can't you can't you can't say shove it up the ass. I'm on a three-way with my manager at the time. I go, you got to say something else.

And I'm in a fucking panic. Like, I'm doing it like the next day. Yeah. And I'm like, well, can I, what about shove? Can I shove it up? This is like a legit conversation I have with adults. Like, no, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't jam it up. You can't shove it up the ass. And we're just searching for a word.

So finally I go, what, like, put it? Can I put it up the ass? And there was a pause. Like we're playing poker. Wait for this guy to fold and he just goes, yeah. You can put it up there. That's the punchline. Like you can put it up your ass so that

when you watch the set i believe that's what i said i'm gonna take that pan and we're gonna put it up your ass it didn't quite get as big a laugh shove as you needed shove do you remember orny adams on comedian and he's like you can't say lupus lupus is the joke i was on a bus the other day the sign said uh someone on this bus has lupus. I was the only one on the bus. I have lupus? And they're like, you got to change it to eczema. And he was like.

Eczema is not funny. Eczema is gross. It's not as funny as lupus. It just fucking. And so he did his letterman set. And he goes, I was on a bus. I said, someone on this bus has eczema. I was the only one on the bus.

I have eczema? And everyone's like, oh, I have eczema too. And it didn't do as well. We all have eczema. I was the only one on the bus. I have eczema? And everyone's like, oh, I have eczema too. And it didn't do as well. We all have eczema. It's very popular. It's a very common disease. Eczema is gross. I think I might have eczema on my cheek.

Something was going on with my cheek. I can't get rid of it. I don't see anything. It's because I have a beard. I have it because I have a beard, but I have the beard because i have it so like we'll shave why didn't you treat it i did i've went to a doctor and what do they do he said it's because you have a beard it's very common it's an irritation inside the beard if you shave the beard off it'll go away i go well i have if i shave it off then people can see it and you gotta walk around looking like freddy krueger for a week yeah and he'll say

if it'll go away and then you can grow your beard back. I was like, I'll just keep it. I'll just have it on my cheek. I'd shave it off. I'm too fucking vain. Cancel a couple of spots. Unfortunately, Burt Kreischer could not be here. That's not this tour this next year.

Because he has eczema on his face. I'm touring like you did that Wilbur run. I'm doing that tour this fucking winter. The second they were like, go. Pay off your house, brother. Dude, I'm touring like you did that Wilbur run. I'm doing that tour this fucking winter. The second they were like, Pay off your house, brother. Dude, I got a tour bus. I remember you telling me one time, you were like,

dude, get a tour bus. They're the fucking best. There's no way I said it that way. That's a very arrogant thing to say to somebody. Get a tour bus. I'll tell you exactly what you said. You want to know exactly what you said? Because you're probably doing gigs where you

could afford to get one. No, I was not. You said Bert. All right, I'm an asshole. You're like my fucking wife now. Jesus Christ. One show pays for the tour bus

then you go do eight more shows. Yeah. And I was like, wait, in my head I'm making like probably like six grand a weekend.

I'm like, they're only six grand? And you're like, oh no, maybe not. Wait, are you still in the clubs? I was like, yeah, never mind. Don't do the work. I thought you went to the theaters. Yeah,? And you're like, oh, no, maybe not. Wait, are you still in the clubs? I was like, yeah, never mind. Don't do that.

I thought you went to theaters. Yeah, yeah. I was like. I'll tell you what you can never afford to do is fly private. Oh, for real? No, dude. There's no fucking way to do it. You've never flown private?

I did it twice. How much? A movie paid for it. Yeah? I was doing a gig, and I had to get back to the front runner. So they flew me from Green um green bay wisconsin to atlanta uh not even that fucking you know what sucks you know what sucks is i did that gig because uh green bay had a monday night football game the next night and i had to be on set this business knows when you're gonna have fun yeah oh no we need you what's my

call time 6 a.m fuck right yeah so verzi and bartnett got to go to lambo i've been to lambo one time but i i when brett farb was still there but it was uh you know uh exhibition you know it was august so he uh brett farb played like a quarter and a half they're playing the browns and shit we did when you got on the uh on the jet did you feel it did you have a cocktail did you or did you just go to sleep i wasn't drinking because i was on the jet, did you feel it? Did you have a cocktail? Or did you just go to sleep? I wasn't drinking because I was on the movie. It's called being a pro.

You show up in shape, knowing your fucking lines. All these fucking people bitch moaning and complaining. You can't handle this weight. Yeah, you're going to be in a movie. Isn't that enough for you? Get on a fucking treadmill, you lazy cunt. There's millions of dollars that are at stake. People are trying to make their money back.

Show up in shape, the best shape you can be in, ready to fucking work. Oh, there's so much food in this country that I got fat. It's so hard for me. Go fucking move to Ethiopia three weeks before your fucking movie you'll be fine so you get a little perspective what was the other uh private the other one you paid for yes and what was it i had a first class ticket that the festival paid for and i decided i was going to be comfortable and go to the airport with sweatpants on and they didn't have a back pocket. And I had my phone in my pocket and I thought it was my wallet.

And I showed up and it was, and I was flying in the day of to Austin and I, and I didn't have my wallet and there was no way I was going to get there. And it was for all things comedy. And I had to be there. And it was this big advertising deal that, and one of the deals was, you know,

I had to be there on this podcast and the only way to fucking get there i had to go to fucking van nye's and i had to pay for this fucking plane it cost me so much how much how much 18 they fucked me 15 or something and i got on that fucking thing and this is what's hilarious like and that was for this little ass fucking plane that's another thing too. It's not that big. You're like this. You can't even stand up on the thing. So the funny thing is I'm halfway through. If you ever fly private, take a piss before you go.

Because I had to take a piss. And I go, hey, guys, I got to go to the bathroom. Is there a bathroom on this thing? And the guy goes, yeah. And he fucking, there's a little shower curtain. And he fucking opens it up. And there was this snack tray on this seat. He lifted that up, set it down, and then lifted it up.

And there was a toilet under there. So now I got to take a fucking piss. All right. And I'm standing. I paid 18 grand for this. I'm standing there. Right. And this is what's hilarious is here's the shower curtain.

They're flying right there. Yeah. And I'm like this. And like the hole to piss in is there which is fine in the beginning because i got a nice stream going but then all of a sudden it starts dying down i'm like i'm gonna piss on myself and i had to fucking i'm i'm like it was like a finishing move in wrestling trying to fucking my ddt trying to fucking take this piss oh and uh and i was just you know it was a life lesson i'm like this is the dumbest fucking thing ever unless you can afford a g5 and even then it's not going to be as nice as like a fucking 747 dc10 they don't have those anymore whatever the fuck they have now those fucking things

you have like a you know a lot of the first class. Now you got a bed and you got all these movies. Dude, you're just sitting back there. There's a snack tray with like Fritos and Snickers bars. You can't even stand up. This is private. You know, you fucking get on an airplane now. It's tremendous.

We flew private from Portland to Portland, to Portland, Oregon, to Portland, Maine. And they're like, you're going Portland, Maine. And they're like, you're going to fly private. And I was like, fuck yes. Dude, that's like 50 grand. Not if you do what we did and we got that small plane and we had to make five fucking

stops. We stopped. We flew from Portland to Montana. Montana to fucking... Dakotas? Literally just... To Wisconsin? It was? Dakotas. Literally just- To Wisconsin? It was like a road trip. Literally got out five times. And when we got there, the other plane, the guys who flew-

Were you flying like a DC-9 with propellers? It was- That little wheel in the back? And there was a thunderstorm, and the fucking thing moved around so much. Oh, yeah. I was like, fuck this. I'd never do that. But I don't know i wouldn't i can see

i i was the person that was like i can never justify flying first class i'll always get the upgrade i'll always get that was the carrot i was chasing really oh dude i when i was sitting in the back on the dc9 and like you don't even have a window because there's a fucking engine there and by the way one time one of those had a malfunction and it fucking something happened in one of the engine parts went into the fucking plane into some woman's head and she died. I remember that. That's what I always thought about when I was sitting there.

The other side, there's some guy taking a shit behind that little cardboard door. You can literally hear him take his belt off. I'm just sitting there going like, I just want an exit row. Yeah. Do you remember when the fucking greatest thing ever, back when they used to fly them kind of empty, when you got your whole row to yourself?

Oh, my God. The poor man's first class. And even then, they just made sure there was no way to be comfortable because when you lay across, there's still that hard plastic. Little humps. Digging into your hip. Yeah. They just wouldn't let you.

Then, you know what I love too on planes is when you're sitting there on a plane, the fuselage, right? If you want to lean your head, even with the pillow, it's just far enough that the side of your neck fucking hurts. Then you got to have a pillow, wad your jacket up against it. And the whole time, I would just be looking. I want to get on first. I just want to fucking sit down. All first class is they treat you like the human being that you are.

That you should be treated like. Yeah, and if you're in the back, I mean, there's like fucking roosters that are in cockfighting that fly better than half the fucking people that are out there. The really good ones that tour nationally and kill other fucking chickens or whatever the fuck it is they do. Yeah, I have flight anxiety, so i always wanted to fly first class but i was like i'll never i'm never gonna be a guy who pays a thousand dollars for a ticket the only thing that sucks about flying first class is you can hear the pilots when they panic

what is that what is that no it doesn't happen i'm kidding bad joke whatever what the fuck we've been out here for like an hour and a half you know hour and 10 minutes dude this is the perfect fucking cigar for a podcast it is we've been smoking for almost an hour and i still have this much left this is the best part this is the best part of it for this is better than any cuban that i've smoked because all of them would be done by now who are they i mean. Do you have glasses yet? I refuse to get them because I feel like they make your eyes weaker. I think they do. Yeah, it's like getting a cane.

Yeah. Stupid. Now you need it. La Flor Dominica. This is going to be the last part of the podcast, us trying to read this. La Flor Dominica. Double Leggeroica double Leggero

Natasha Natasha Leggero she's branching out look at her brand there's got to be a pill you can take to strengthen your eyes like a steroid

or something to get your eyes back to where they were right it's all Eastern Europe it can't just be fucking medieval technology of like

put these magnifying glasses in front of your eyes you just go to Europe. You think they... Nobody in Europe has glasses. No, they've cured it. There's no way to...

No, you go there, they take your eye juice out and they spin it in the centrifuge. You're lying. And they put it back in, you have the eyes of a baby. We're over here doing LASIK. Are you serious?

This country's going... Dude, the public schools don't even work here. What do you mean? I'm just saying, this country's going down the shitter. Wait, I want to go back to these eyes. Do they really do that?

There's no glasses in Europe. No one wears glasses in Europe? The only glasses, they're just sitting there drinking a drink. I feel like you're fucking with me. Well, if you're poor. It's a real sign of poverty over there if you have glasses. Are you serious? Yeah.

They've cured it. Dude, I'm going to Europe. I'm going to get my eyes spun. Yeah. I'll do that in a in a heartbeat yeah you want to go to chetnia they do it the best hey have you done that have you done that uh eastern european tour that's all bullshit just in case somebody wasn't yeah have you done your eastern european tour yet nope that's that's uh i fly out there like jan January 3rd or something. Really? Yeah. Ten days. Thank God for FaceTime.

I'm going to miss my daughter. I'm going to miss my daughter ridiculous on that. I'm not looking forward to that aspect of it, but I'm going over there stone sober and I'm just fucking... You're not drinking at all? No. Why? Because, dude, I'm going over there stone sober and i'm just fucking you're not drinking at all no why cuz dude i'm going over there it's a business trip i'm going to all these places i've never been before and you got one shot to make a first impression so i'm going over there i'm doing spots and i'm going over there different and i'm gonna well they expect it out of you yeah yeah

but they but i i you don't get you're not drinking before you go on stage. After the show, a few cocktails, go to bed, wake up next day. No, because we're doing almost two shows almost every night. It's almost like 20 shows. I'm doing another fucking run like that, except now rather than being at the same place, every day I got to go to an airport, jump on a puddle jumper, and go someplace else.

I kind of wish we just got a fucking- Tour bus? A bus or something. Wait, are you taking your guys with you? I feel like you'd die on tour buses over there. Everybody always seems to die over there on tour buses. Yeah, it's because the fucking streets are different. They're fucking mid-century streets.

It's not what? Yeah. You know why it is? Why? No one wears glasses. Wait, what are you doing? Which cities are you doing? That's a callback, people! Callbacks are so underrated.

They became hacky for a while. I have three callbacks in my last special. I'm so glad alt comedy showed up and made us take callbacks away because, man, I use them all the time now. That whole alt scene kind of died, huh? Yeah.

A little bit. I mean, I think the heads... Is it still going? No. I mean, yes. Now it's just woke. Do you remember that whole fucking time where we were just like...

We were just like... Yeah. Ugh. You're a club comic? I remember DeRosa would go on the road with me and then he'd go do an alt run. He's like, oh, Billy, because they could smell the road on me. They could smell it on him.

All these hipsters would just be sitting. He's trying to make us laugh. I remember saying fat chick at UCB, and they groaned. That's the worst. I was like, what? You know what the vibe was? I felt you had to act like you were in the Strokes. Remember that band?

Yeah. They couldn't even name themselves that anymore. People have Strokes every day. This is insensitive. There were guys that had careers just because they had good jackets. They had cool jackets and skinny jeans. Guys that had good hair. That's not true.

A hundred percent, and I'll name them off this. No, you won't. Yes, I will. Don't do this, other comics. Not on this. But there were guys that had careers that just because they had like a good look, they didn't have great acting.

Yeah, but that always happened because in the clubs there was those people. Yeah, I guess. There were guys with flame shirts. People humping stools. Yeah.

Taking their shirts off. I mean, come on, dude. You're fucking, you sold your soul a long time ago. Yeah, I sold it. Dude, when you go, when you pack on the road,

is it just all pants? You put a shirt on, no one can recognize you now. Dude, people said that to me at airport bars. I know you. Oh, I didn't recognize you with your shirt on.

Who are you? Who are you? And you go, hey, hey, hey. A little bit of that. The best is when I did it for my... When they ask for a picture, they go, can you take your shirt off?

Oh, they do that all the time. All the time. Oh, I forgot that fucking half shirt I was going to bring you. That was the basis of this podcast. When I was... We went to a family trip in 1981 or 82. I checked it out. It's like a small, I think, or a medium.

I was still in junior high when I bought it. It was a Florida state. And you went to Florida state. It's like a small, I think, or a medium. I was still in junior high when I bought it. It was a Florida State, and you went to Florida State. It's a half shirt. I never wore it because I never felt I was in good enough shape to wear it. And I was also like super pasty and shit. I just never had the nerve to wear that with my Larry Bird shorts with my fucking white socks yanked up. If you could go back in time all the cool kids all the cool kids wore those if you go back in time to any sports uh sports themed

shirt jacket pants hat that you had in your life that was your all-time favorite and go back into a time machine and grab that one thing and bring it back i know exactly what it is and i looked it up on ebay and i can't find it i can't find images of it or anywhere what is it was this fucking patriots jacket that i wanted and you know i was in a big family so my younger brother got one and i fucking loved it it was it was a red it was the old pat patriot logo here it was all red and the sleeves were blue it was almost like uh like a varsity looking jacket and uh this was sort of like a cloth and then this like almost vinyl sleeves it was like the 70s but like i fucking loved loved loved that jacket and i and like i wanted that like that was my way a little boy wants a fire engine you know when you

were a kid i wanted that jacket so fucking bad and uh you know it just didn't work out you can't find one now no like they don't exist like i can't even find a picture of it it does exist it's out there you know what because you know what are big of those starter jackets oh yeah everybody everybody loves those but those were like um i was a little bit older when they came out but when that jacket came out that's when i was like super young and like athletes were like gods to me i remember walking around my house when i was a little boy right and i was i was going like this i had my shoulders up like this my mother was like what are you doing what are you doing i was like i want to be a football player i want to be a football player like this want to be a football player. Did she walk around like this?

No, because I didn't know that they had shoulder pads. I thought their shoulders were that fucking big. I just thought they were these big, muscular guys. And, of course, that must have been adorable for her to see that. I had a dream one time. Wait, what would you want? Eagles vest. I had this Eagles vest that I wore all of fourth and fifth grade.

Like the band? No, no, no. Football team? No, no, Eagles. The Philadelphia Eagles. You were an Eagles fan? Yeah, because my whole family's from Philly. So how psyched were you last year?

Dude, I went to the parade. I was so pissed that I couldn't enjoy them finally winning it because I love seeing cities that haven't won in forever win. Yeah. Like I'm loving the Browns. I'm loving the Chiefs. Yes, yeah. And I'm I'm loving the Browns. I'm loving the Chiefs. Yeah, yeah. And I'm loving the San Diego Chargers.

I'm loving San Diego. I'm loving the San Diego. It's got 20,000 people at a game. I'm not a fucking hero. I actually like the Giants, even as a Patriots fan. I like defensive-minded teams, and I've just really liked the way they've run their organization. I knew getting rid of Tom Coughlin was a fucking mistake.

Yeah. I've been enjoying watching the Rams. The guy of Tom Coughlin was a fucking mistake. Yeah. I've been enjoying watching the Rams. The guy owns Belichick. He just fucking owns him. Who can say that? I've been loving the Rams winning. Love that. I love it, dude.

Love all that shit. But I couldn't enjoy the Eagles because they beat my team. You know what I mean? It was such a weird Super Bowl. It's a crime that anybody who played defense in that game got a fucking ring. Yeah. Because here's another record that Brady set that I don't, you never know with today's NFL.

When's the next time a fucking quarterback is going to throw for over 500 yards in a Super Bowl and lose? I was on Barstool Sports imitating him talking to Gisele. Like, how many fucking yards do i gotta throw how many times do i gotta lead the team down for the fucking go-ahead score and the defense just comes out that guy should be fucking eight no in superbowls yeah unless you're gonna say that brady to welker i don't know who messed that one up okay so then okay so okay you have to move to one city based on their should be seven and one and it can't be boston huh one actually i shouldn't say that because atlanta

there's no way they should have lost that fucking game who what city would you move to based on all the sporting events you could go to meaning like you want to i would live in boston during this entire ridiculous run because i left when we sucked and then I lived in New York during the Curse of the Babe. That was cool to be in New York City when the Red Sox won. Yeah, I was with Gary Goldman. We were in Richmond, Virginia when the Red Sox won. He probably almost cried. Dude, he was standing up.

You know Gary, how standing up just... Burt! Can you believe this is happening? Yeah. You know what's funny about it? I did a tour with him. He's like the fucking best guy, and he's such an amazing fucking comedian. And the thing about him was he just – I still don't think he realizes he's 6'6". And I was talking to him, and he told me that he hit his growth spurt late, and he used to get picked on.

And I just couldn't believe it because he's like a fucking Adonis. And then I saw him. He was working on his jokes his jokes as he always does he just works his ass off and he was sitting over the corner six foot six sitting like indian style and he was just all crouched down and i saw the little kid that got bullied and i was just like wow that's what i love about touring comics you actually get to know him like i'm like that's that's where he was for the longest time and then he he fucking then he like shot up but like you know there's critical times as your brain is getting formed and like and like you know the pecking order of your class and you just get it burned into your head i'm just the guy who gets picked on yeah then he walks around it's probably

a better thing because you know yeah the way he carries himself because he's one of those guys that's the thing about him though that i always got nervous because he always reminded me of posy and dirty dozen that big nice guy but he was so big and that guy pushed him and he got mad and he punched him in the jaw and drove his jaw into his brain and he ended up on death row dirty dozen great fucking movie. So I always equate it. This guy is like Posey doing stand-up. God forbid anybody

Oh, he can flip on stage. God forbid anybody ever step to that fucking guy. I've seen Gary We were in New Mexico in Albuquerque and it was right after Last Comic Standing. And Gary Goldman goes, he goes, I'm Jewish.

And this guy in the back goes, matzo balls. And Gary goes, the fuck did you just say? And the guy goes, matzo balls. He goes, the fuck did you just say? And the guy goes, matzo balls. I was ordering off the menu. And Gary fucking lost it.

Dude, you know what I don't understand about racism? What? I don't understand why saying the food of somebody's culture is so fucking offensive. I said, I had that conversation with- You fucking potato-eating Irish son of a bitch. They call like German people krauts, sauerkraut. French people frogs because they eat frog legs. It's just like, that's going to get you up off the couch?

You potato-eating, I love potatoes. They're fucking delicious. I just talked to, we did Something's Burning with Red Grant and Donald Rollins. And I just, one of the funniest things I've ever seen not realizing what i witnessed we were shooting a show for comedy central we were in the desert we were doing a photo shoot in the desert it's like 110 degrees we're under a fucking tent it's dusty all they have nations all they have is bottled uh like little bottles of water but they're not even in the cooler and craft services comes out with a tray on ice of watermelon and they bring it out and everyone's

like fucking watermelon and donnell rollins and red grant refused to eat watermelon in front of white people and they went nah cube it cube it we're not going to eat it off the rind in front of white people and i was i i it was the funniest conversation i had we talked about it on something's burning but fucking the two of them just sitting back oh no they both made white women feed it to them you'd have to right but you'd have to feel like those white people were setting you up you yeah you took me out to the desert they're gonna make me eat this shit and then they're gonna kill us and it's a reality show so we were doing so they were thinking nah someone's videotaping us eating watermelon can i tell you something yeah great move yeah that's one of my favorite chapelle show jokes what's that when he talks about how he likes chicken but he won't eat

it in front of white people because he feel like this is like one of these punch lines you know do you have like punch lines in your relationship that you say to your wife yeah you just love yeah this is one this is one this one has lived i think this was on uh killing him softly did everybody get it that's gonna get it all right let's move along that's a david tell line my wife says it to every fucking night oh yeah he goes uh he said uh he wouldn't eat it in public in front of white people and he goes and i like chicken but he goes i just feel like white people be walking by going look at him he loves it oh look at him so like whenever whenever we go out to eat yeah and if I say I love something, oh, my God, you had these fucking things.

These are delicious. I love it. And she just goes, look at them. He loves it. Look at them. And it always makes us laugh. We're going on 15 years on that fucking line. How great is that there's a line that you have in your relationship?

I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. What is that? Until all our lines are based off of Skanks for the Memories. Skanks for the Memories came out. That's a masterpiece. And I put it in, and this is how I judged

if I was going to be able to marry my wife, is if she laughed at it. That was your lock the door test. And when he said, when he goes, oh, come on, Dave, who's next? Eskimos?

Yeah, they're up next. Or as I call them, snow Mexicans. My wife fell out of her fucking seat in my car, onto the ground laughing. And we quote that album more than anything. That album's brought me more joy. David Tell is and always has been, he's the guy. He's number one.

Yeah. He had one of my favorite lines he had was, there's a million ways to say I love you, but there's only one way to say wrong hole. Dude, I told that joke to my dad. He almost fell off our back porch. Dude, I could do a podcast of just comics telling other comics favorite jokes me and brian regan and tom papa were telling our favorite robert shimble jokes i'm how many times

have i told this fucking these jokes i got one for you what was the time when he had a show and right before he went he had to show he had to take a shit and it was this disgusting fucking bathroom and he went there you know you hover over it yeah and he took a shit and was one of those things where you know you take a shit and then the toilet water before your asshole can close the toilet water shoots up into your ass yeah and he goes so now i go on stage and he goes and i'm not doing well because the crowd's listening to my jokes and all i can think is what's laying eggs in my ass. And I butchered that, but it was just... And how he got away with that shit was he didn't really look at the crowd.

He looked like he was talking to himself, like he was trying to figure things out. You know, I brought up to Rogan the other day. Remember Dennis Wolfberg? One of the most underrated comics. Unfortunately, he passed away right before he was going to hit. He worked totally clean to Rogan the other day. Remember Dennis Wolfberg? Uh-oh. One of the most underrated comics. Unfortunately, he passed away right before he was going to hit. He worked totally clean.

And he had this thing when he would deliver the punchline, he would like lean forward and say it. So he had this thing. He was talking about guys who have it. He goes like,

some guys have it with women. He goes, I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, I have the antidote, ladies and gentlemen. Then he'd stick his tongue out a little bit after he did it. He was like a redheaded dude. I consider an older guy.

Now I'm like older than he was when he passed away. He was a former substitute teacher, and he just dressed the part. I don't know him. Oh, my God. Dude, he was fucking brilliant. Dude. Not a dirty word and in the end he was whatever he was sick from he couldn't stand up and he was really sad he

went on the road because he had kids he was trying to make as much money as he could and he would like you know after every show he'd call his kids it was really before facetime too which is fucking brutal but he used to he towards the end he just didn't have the strength to stand up and he would his act was so good like headberg level where headberg could lay on the stage and just say his jokes he was just he would sit down murdering yeah murdering he actually probably became a better comic you know like because he was forced to sit yeah yeah yeah like bobby kelly was always fucking an amazing comic. I just had this conversation with Bobby Kelly. He fucked up his knee.

Dude. And he couldn't rely on his charisma. Yeah. And then that's when his shit went from, like, this guy's one of the- Dude, I- All the way up. I worked with him on Mike Cowslip's Cruise. We both did stand-up together.

He fucking destroyed- Murdered. Destroyed. with him on cow heads on mike calvis cruise we both did stand up together he destroyed murdered destroy here's a joke about getting married about his wedding and that i had me rolling oh dude that guy it's so funny i saw him one time right hang on i gotta really like this tell a story why i read like this thing uh i'll tell you the i'll tell you the i'll tell you the the joke that brian regan and tom papa told me from uh from uh robert schimmel he goes brian regan's favorite robert schimmel joke was uh i went to the went to the circus with my daughter and they had a bear riding on a bicycle and we got out and my daughter said dad i wonder how they got that bear to ride a bicycle he was very easy and my daughter said dad i wonder how they got that bear

to ride a bicycle he was very easy honey they nailed his feet to the pedals and beat the shit out of it wait this one's even better this is this one's even better tom papa said his favorite robert shimmel joke was uh um uh he uh he goes uh fuck why am i drawing a blank he goes, fuck, why am I drawing a blank? He goes, Siegfried and Roy got attacked by their tigers. Someone said to me, how does that even happen? He goes, I'll tell you how it happens. You're a tiger. You're in India.

You're with your brother. And some guys catch you, spray paint you white, put you in a cage, send you over to Vegas. And you work day in and day out with two gay guys on a stage. And then one night, one tiger looks at the other tiger and goes this all ends tonight remember giraldo's bit on those two no he goes that is one of the greatest love stories of all time what are the odds that a gay lion tamer is going to meet another gay lion tamer what are the odds you're into lions too oh oh fuck oh god i love good jokes i love dave david tell's got one of my favorite jokes right now what i want you to do is cut our audio so i'll tell him the joke and then bring it back up when he starts laughing he goes uh is it just me or does an owl look

like an attorney for a parrot i don't know how he i don't know how he does you know i love too is he'll run the joke by you does anybody do this this? And I'm like, Dave, no. No one's got that. Nobody's at your level. He said, I was talking to him on the phone the other day, and he was like, he's like just very casual. He goes, maybe me and you and Segura could go out and do a couple dates together. And I was like, hold on. I'm patching in Segura right now.

I want to hear him drop to the fucking ground. Dave's our hero. Oh, yeah. He's our hero. Segura's like like I'll cancel whatever fucking tour I've got to go on tour with the tell fuck some comedian said to me one time he goes if David tell isn't your favorite comic I don't want to talk to you Ian bag in bag so yeah it's just like yeah I remember just what his

throwaway lines that he'd never use again how about him on bumping mics dude when what's his face Jeff Ross goes i threw out my back doing blah blah blah he goes i threw out my back carrying the show if you were half as half into comedy as you're into cream cheese dude he one time when i when i first got into stand-up i walked through the back you know you had to go to the bathroom through that little like you had to walk through the audience at the cellar to go to the bathroom. And I had a Hawaiian shirt on. And David Tell goes, oh, Hawaiian shirt. Only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts.

Gay guys and party animals. Which one are you? And I was such an idiot. I went, party animal. He's got a dick. Why isn't he talking about it? Dude, David Tell is the greatest. Oh, the fucking greatest. I'm going to butcher one of his jokes.

But there was some Olympics, and right in the very beginning, somebody on a bobsled died, hit something, and just fucking died. And I forget how he worded it, but he just goes, I think it's fitting that the Olympics started with a sacrifice.

Somehow he went all the way back to the Greek times where they would kill people. I had never been able to word that right. That girl, I was working with him. That's how bad I am. I just bombed with a Dave Attell joke. I was working with him in Miami, and that girl, I think her name's Bethany Hamilton, she got attacked by a tiger shark.

She was a surfer, and she lost her arm. Oh, my God. And then kept surfing. And kept surfing. But she was on the news that morning, and she said, you know, God does everything for a reason. And Attell went on and said, God does everything for a reason. Oh, was that your evil arm for stroking black cocks and shooting whiskey? Not this other arm.

Two for Passions of the Christ, please. He just jokes that he would throw away. I would be in my act forever. That's a topical joke for him. Yeah. He'll never put that anywhere. It's just, he has a joke. How hard did that kill?

Dude, when he had that special where he had, he shot it in different comedy clubs. That's my favorite one. Dude, that's a great. He's just, he's in his element. And he's just having the greatest time. I want the kind of woman who drinks whiskey and then goes out and yells the N-word at an eclipse. Yells the N-word at an eclipse.

How do you do that? I don't know how you do that. How do you come up with that? I got none of that in my act. I got none of that. And that's the one who'll call you up late night. Yeah. Does anybody have a joke like this?

You're just like, no, and I'm quitting comedy. He called me. He texted me, and he goes, can you talk? And by the way, I've only talked to him on the phone maybe once, twice. And immediately, I was like, Stan Hope's dead. That's the first thing I thought. I was like, why is the telecom on me? So I write back, yeah. Stan Hope is the's dead. That's the first thing I thought. I was like, why is the telco on me? So I write back, yeah.

Stanhope is the Keith Richards. He's going to live. Dude, his last special was fucking phenomenal. All of his specials are amazing. He has one of my favorite jokes. When he would talk about the environment, he goes, one of the greenest things you can do is kill yourself, which is fucking brilliant.

Yeah. Because I was thinking, like, today, I drove over an orange cone in my fucking car and then the engine light came on and i was looking underneath and i was like you know i was on the highway this fucking random orange cone and i couldn't swear if i caused an accident i went right over the fucking thing and i hear it under the car i'm sitting kick out kick out kick out you know yeah and then the fucking engine light comes on and i looked under i didn't see any fluid or anything i'm like there's no way a fucking orange cone you know i mean maybe it could it could have

knocked off do they still have that little thing on the uh for the oil pan that little thing on screw i don't even i've never been under a car bill oh i figured florida you grew up under one conceived cops are here let's keep fucking under the car um so anyways uh it turned out it was an oxygen sensor that they put on the car for admissions or something like that that's what the problem was and i was thinking just the all the raw materials that it took to fucking put that on the car so it goes cleaner is probably worse and i always think of doug stanhope going the greenest thing you can do is kill yourself dude i called him one night i called him one night and i said look what we're doing the atmosphere just with these fucking things i called him one night i said hey when what are you doing he goes uh i'm thinking

of goofs i said what you know just having a cocktail cigarette thinking of goofs he goes you know i'm trying to write uh i'm trying to write a knock knock joke he goes you know i figure i'm a really good comic i could write a night and i mean mean, those guys that wrote them, I'm probably better than them. So I'm working on knock-knock jokes. I'm going to try to write a couple knock-knock jokes. I had never looked at comedy that way in my whole time of doing it, going like,

it's not just about writing material for your act. What if I could just flip things and just think of a funny thought for the day? And I literally Like one of those jokes that's on a for the day. And I literally... Like one of those jokes that's on a calendar? Yeah. And I was like, wait, I could write some of those.

And it was just... And then I was like... It was almost like a weight off my shoulders going like, I'm just... All I got to do is think of funny thoughts. That's it. All fucking day. Like, don't... It doesn't need to be super heavy.

Yeah, but I can't do that. Like, whenever somebody tells me a street joke, I usually don't laugh because I'm just so fascinated with the construction, how perfect it is. Yeah, but I can't breathe. Like, whenever somebody tells me a street joke, I usually don't laugh because I'm just so fascinated with the construction, how perfect it is. First of all, there's no laugh for, like, the first minute. It's just all set up. Like, you just sit there listening.

Yeah. Two guys walk into a bar, and you're just in. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Norm MacDonald. I never see it coming, and I'm just like, I can't write a joke as good as that. Norm, yeah, you can.

I'm being dead serious. I got obsessed with structure on this new hour I'm just like, I can't write a joke as good as that. Norman, yeah, you can. I'm being dead serious. I got obsessed with structure on this new hour I'm doing. That's why I love Jackie the Joke Man, because I love listening to those street jokes. Dude, Norm MacDonald's the best. He's the fucking best. I met a guy next to me. It was a guy. Yeah, a guy.

A new neighbor. You ever heard this one? A new neighbor moved in next to me. He said, hey, neighbor, what do you do for a living? Guy says, well, Norm, I'm a professor of logic at the university. And he goes, oh, really? What's that? And he goes, well, it's kind of hard for me to explain.

It's just easier for me to show. He goes, Norm, do you have a dog house? Norm goes, I do. He goes, okay. Then logically, I can assume you have a dog. And he goes, I do have a dog. He goes, if you have a dog, then logically, you must have children. Do you have children,. And he goes, I do have a dog. He goes, if you have a dog, then logically you must have children. Do you have children, Norm?

He goes, I do have children. He goes, well, if you have children, then logically I can assume you're married. He goes, I am. He goes, well, then logically I can assume that you are a straight white male. He goes, oh. He goes, that's what I do, Norm. He goes, interesting. So then I go down to the bus stop.

I see another neighbor. And he goes, hey, Norm, did you meet the new neighbor? The guy goes, Norm goes, I did. And he goes, what does he do? He goes, he's a professor of logic at the university. The guy goes, what is that? And he goes, well, it's easier for me to explain than to show you. He goes, do you have a dog house?

And the guy goes, no. And he goes, then you must be a homosexual. Oh. and so then i got obsessed i got obsessed with going like i want another guy and he's still underrated he still doesn't get what what he deserves i don't think did you ever hear a story about george burns he's a he's a young comic and he writes a script, and all of a sudden Hollywood comes calling. Now, I've only heard him tell this on radio. I called in. I did two guys.

I've done this where I called Mike Calhoun, my buddy, and I go, my buddies are on air. I want to listen to them. I want to listen to his radio. You, I did it for you. I did it for Norm. I did it for Greg Giraldo. Right. And so he goes, I'm a young comic, and I write this script. And they go, that's great.

George Burns wants to make it. Norm goes, but isn't he kind of old and senile? And they go, no, no, no. He's as sharp as ever, Norm. Fly out to LA. He wants to take a big meeting with you. So he goes, I fly out to LA. I go to the Beverly Hills Country Club where all the legends of comedy are playing poker. And he goes, go out. And they go, who are you? And he said, I wrote a script. George Burns wants to make it. And they go, oh, okay. And they roll their eyes.

And Norm goes, no, guys, I think you got it wrong. And they say he's as sharp as a tack. He's better than he's ever been. They go, okay. And then George Burns comes in. And George Burns says, gentlemen, this is Norm MacDonald. He is the next legend of comedy. Norm, why don't you pitch your script

i want the whole table to hear it now i'm pitching a script to the whole table i'm pitching my idea all the legends of comedy are there and george burns is laughing hysterically and i'm thinking this is it this is my big break and i look down and george burns is buttering his hand. He's just fucking out of it. Dude, Norm is the fucking greatest. He is, man. Oh, fuck. I suck at telling street jokes. That's the funny thing.

Really? Yeah. I'll try to do one that Jackie did, right? I'll bomb on this. Because he actually broke down why he tells the joke like this. We were in Canada, and he was on somebody's fucking podcast, Gilbert Godfrey's, and he was just telling street jokes. And Gilbert Godfrey tells an incredible street joke. So they were just telling street jokes, and we were fucking dying laughing,

like little kids listening to this. So he tells this joke. He goes, all right he goes uh he goes there's a lion on the serengeti and he goes during like the dry seasons he finds a puddle of water so he's excited and he the lion bends over and drinks out of the water his tail goes up in the air and he's having this great cool drink of water he goes all of a sudden this gorilla comes out of nowhere comes up behind him and gives him the old liberace right he goes and this gorilla comes out of nowhere, comes up behind him and gives him the old Liberace, right? And he goes, and the gorilla takes off, and the lion's like, oh, fuck, right?

Gives him the old Liberace. That's what he says. Then the lion takes off after him, and the gorilla's like running through the jungle. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck. And he comes to a clearing, and he sees like a bunch of tents, you know, people there, and there's nobody there.

So the lion, I mean, the gorilla runs into the tent, puts on a hat, picks up the New York Times and just sits there trying to be chill. The lion comes running behind. He sticks his head in and he sees what he's seeing. He goes, do you see a gorilla come running by here? The gorilla goes, oh, you mean the one that just fucked that lion in the ass? And the lion goes, it's already in the papers.

So he breaks down he goes now the reason I told it like that the reason why I said he gave me the old Liberace is because in the beginning if I said he fucked him in the ass that's in the punchline and then also I said he picked up the New York Times so he could say

it's already in the papers because he said I picked up a newspaper then he already would have said, fucked him in the ass, and already would have said paper. And he would have repeated it. And it just doesn't work in comedy like that. And dude, it was a fucking hour of this. Him and Gilbert Gottfried going, I've been trying to find the podcast.

I'm sure I just suck at searching for shit. And it was just, they were just the greatest jokes. Oh, dude. And there was like, there's no fat on that joke dude there's not a wasted word and they did that for a fucking hour i would watch a podcast i would i would i would pay money i'd pay ten dollars a month to watch great comics breakdown

street jokes breakdown comedy i didn't even think it's so funny that just cruised right past me beautifully and none of the science of how that boat was built was was it was all in the inside same thing with me and then then he broke it down i was just like wow like that's there's like so many rules that were abided by in that joke it's fucking tremendous i could do that with your act oh my favorite joke you have is uh the dick jokes no i want to i want to adopt two kids i want to adopt the the kid that works in the sweatshop and the kid the warrior kid oh the boy soldier yeah boy soldier that when i was on i was on a treadmill in my man cave watching your special and what killed me about it was when you lean down to him.

Hey, he scares me too. Look at his fucking eyes. I forget that joke, but man, when you lean down. I love hearing comics actually like your jokes. That's a nice thing. Dude, dude. His ashtray stinks. They were telling, there were guys telling your joke

that you haven't put in your special, your new special yet, at the football game this week. I thought that was cool. I almost texted you. Guys behind me, dude, have you heard Burr's joke about this? And I started giggling. I'm with my cousins. You know what I've been bombing with? I've been open with that Michelle Obama Bit making fun of her arena tour

Oh really? Oh dude When did first ladies start acting like they got elected? That's how it starts How do you not do that joke now? With how fucking Overly sensitive everybody is Because that's how I look at it now

It's just like How do you not make fun of feminists? Because the last thing you want to do, the worst applause break you can get in comedy is that Oprah applause break. Like whenever you watch those daytime, or old show,

like when people would say obvious, people would stand up. I think it's time that parents go back to raising their kids. It's just like, where was, you know, who wouldn't fucking applaud that? and there's a lot of that on twitter where people are just saying shit

so they can and they make it literally about themselves yeah like i remember during that whatever that fucking guy was was going kavanaugh with the senate right not the senate the fucking the judges the yeah the fucking nfl of judges supreme court yeah so he someone was saying uh someone texted that tweeted something you know i lost male friends this week and then everyone was consoling this person it's like this isn't your story. Yeah. This is that woman. And the thing was, I believe that woman. Just for the simple fact that she had been telling that story forever.

Yeah. It wasn't like she sat on it, sat on it, sat on it. And then out of nowhere, one person comes ahead. And then you think like, all right, is this a plan? Is this the Democrats trying to, you know, because it's a filthy fucking business. And I know there's a's a lot of people and i am a lefty but like there's a lot of lefties that they they just can't it's like you're a fan of a team and you can't admit that somebody on your team's a piece of shit yeah you know what i mean or a call goes your way and you can't say like that was bullshit like last year when the patriots played this fucking steelers that was a touchdown the guy

caught the ball and went to the fucking end zone you know and then the you know after further review what you just saw did not happen it's stupid right yeah but there's people out there politically that can't fucking do that but i just what i love was this person was getting consoled by a certain segment that agreed with her and it's just like like nothing happened to you yeah you know what i mean that's like me saying I watched 9-11 on television and people are consoling me that I watched it. It's like, well, I thought it was about the people that were in there that were innocent and the firemen that went in there.

I didn't know it was about you at home on your fucking couch. I tweeted. With your flat screen TV. I tweeted. Postmating shit. While you're listening to this woman talking about this shit

that changed her fucking life and then she didn't get justice out of it. And now her life's being changed again. Yeah, and now I have to fucking take time out to feel bad for you. I remember when I watched the space shuttle blow up. I mean, I was just...

Where were you? I was so triggered. Where were you? I was so triggered. Where were you? Huh? I was eating nachos. I missed it. You didn't? We watched it blow up.

No, I didn't see that. We were in Florida, though. Some of it land on your house? No, no. We were too far. Space shuttle's a big deal for us in Florida. Well, that's why you were privileged. You wouldn't live near where they shoot off a big fucking plane.

All the poor people, right? They live by the airport. Unless you're in Santa Monica. Those cunts are shutting down that fucking airport. Are they really? Santa Monica airport? How many times did fucking Harrison Ford take off from there and not have a fucking problem? And now Bill Burr takes off.

He probably has 15,000 fucking hours in the air, right? One fucking time. He takes off in Snoopy's doghouse. Basically, he's flying. He's flying some World War I fucking plane or some shit. All original parts, probably. No, that's not all original. But he had a problem, and he landed it like a fucking stud on a golf course.

And all these fucking rich cunts are like, that's fucking it. You'd think he hit somebody's house. He fucked up a foursome. That's the it. You'd think he hit somebody's house. He fucked up a foursome. That's the worst he did. They had to fucking maybe skip a hole. Can't believe they paid for 18 and only got to play fucking 17. You met Han Solo, you cunt. Shut down the fucking airport.

He played through. No, what's his face? Harrison Ford is such a fucking badass. no what's his face harrison ford is such a fucking badass if if a millennium falcon existed he could he him and tom cruise would learn how to fly it okay then let's do this uh top five careers of actors you would love to have had but you got to go back in time and have their entire career and not die no can i say not die and not die and not not die if i had to die yeah i'm blanking on his name he's got this james dean no he has the sickest imdb page ever he's in the godfather the godfather to i know you're talking about dear hunter and

dear hunter he was married to meryl streep he's gonna get married to meryl streep what's his name Deer Hunter. Deer Hunter. He was married to Meryl Streep. He was going to get married to Meryl Streep. What's his name? John Cazale. John Cazale has the game over IMDB page of anybody.

Yeah. I think all of them were nominated for Best Picture. Yeah. That's an interesting answer. Every once in a while. Every once in a while, I'm interested. Listen, you give me a two-hour cigar, eventually I'll fucking say something worth listening to how are we gonna do this how are we gonna do this podcast we're gonna smoke a fucking two hours we're gonna get cancer let's do it once a month once a month let's go

to rogan's we'll go to his i sat in his fucking sauna you went in hisana 200 degrees dude his rogan's setup 200 degrees is what i want in life oh yeah the way he's got it set set up is fucking perfect you know what he should do he should some guy who goes through a brutal divorce should spend a week there and he'd come out and just feel i'm gonna meet another chick you come out of there come floating his isolation tank got some stem cells put in stem cells you work out rogan fucking positive dude builds you back up he teaches teaches you how to do that spinning heel kick you ever seen that fucking thing fuck yeah dude you would have to learn how to speak again if he ever caught you on the temple like that part of your brain doesn't work anymore rogan's

a different person i think i've always known i mean he's a friend of mine but like i've always known him but when we did sober october and we challenged each other, I saw a different side of him. I was like that guy is – He's a champion. I saw the – Pat McAfee one time told me the difference between me and – I told him I could kick – I told him that within a month's training, I could be a competitive field goal kicker. And he said, no. He's like, you have no idea.

The difference is explosivity. i went what he goes i have explosivity that's why i was a professional kicker you don't have and you can never get explosivity you said that to a professional kicker yeah i still stand by it after all these years of people saying like i could be i could be a comedian yeah a month that was funny in fucking high school like they think they could fucking do you say that to a field goal i said he's a pat mcfee i'll say it again give me a month i bet i could be a competitive field goal but that's not only do you now have to kick like a 50 yarder like that's considered no but hold on one second no no i'm not gonna hold on a second no i could how often do those come out first of all in the deal we signed to do this podcast you were supposed to

never say hold on a second okay no and you got 60 000 people fucking sitting there watching you and you got all the cunts fantasy football all the people on twitter oh yeah all the all of those people that's that's where i excel i want the pressure that's where i excel that's when it gets all quiet for you that yeah i want that you live for pressure i want that you're actually bored just sitting here but you know dude if the extra points are nothing your life is on the line that's when you see the real you're telling me you're that guy i want that you you i gotta tell you something every time i'm professional there is nothing about you that's unless you're deep undercover. If you're going fucking Donnie Brosco on me right now,

I'm not fucking buying it. Give me the half-court shot for a million dollars. I've got one for you. Let's have a bet. We'll have video footage of it. Okay. I will give you a month. I want you to kick a 38-yard field goal,

and it has to be good. 38-yard, a pedestrian fucking kick that if you miss that thing, your job is in jeopardy in today's NFL. Okay. And I'm going to invite 60,000 podcast listeners. We're going to rent out the fucking L.A. Coliseum. No, I want a crowd there. Well, we do.

Next time you do an arena. I want them to act like it's a fucking away game. Am I going to be fooling you? Next time you do an arena. And I'm going to get you a jersey. Next time you do an arena, we put a goalpost, and I go to the middle of the stands, right? That's the center walkway.

38 yards. We'll count it off. We'll get Pat McAfee there. I want it hiked. I want Johnny Hecker to catch it for me. Laces out. I'm in. All right.

How about I do this? How about I take you up in the helicopter? Oh, fuck. Okay? I'll land in the fucking Rose Bowl. You run out. I'll leave it on. I'll leave it on.

You got three footballs. We'll take the tail number off you kick that fucker you jump back in and we're fucking out of there i'm in i love it dude you don't have the that that you're in your third trimester there i get a month you right you said a month You got a month. Dude, I see what I... Get Rogan. Rogan's going to put some money.

Let's all put some fucking money on this. Rogan's got money against me in a heartbeat. Okay, and you have to wear the hat. Yeah. Because you have to disrespect. Because right now what you're doing is you are completely disrespecting kickers. You're disrespecting fucking almost high school kickers at this point. And nobody kicks a field

goal in high school football yeah you always go for it on fourth down yeah i can do it i like i like the challenge i like the challenge i'm seeing a whole other side of you i can't i can't tell more than anything you're so fucking insecure that you just make these grand statements you are two drinks in are you one of those people i love talking shit more than anything in my life i love that you're talking shit because something great comes out of it let's fucking do that yeah i love i love no there's plenty of high school football uh uh you know fields around here yeah there's plenty of them we fucking go down there we gotta we gotta figure it out. All things comedy.

Bertolino, we got to set that up. I'm telling you, one of the things, I think that's Florida in me. Oh, fuck, dude. I got to get out of here. What time is it? I got something at 2.30. Okay. We'll put the toothpick in, finish it, and we'll leave.

Okay. I love talking shit more than anything. It's one of my favorite things. I love that I started smoking this at like about 12, 10. No, what time did we get here? We got here at 11? How long have we been going? Three hours?

Three hours? I don't think we started at 11. 2.40. Jesus. This has got to be a two-parter. Yeah, then we got two weeks covered in January. I've never smoked a fucking three-hour cigar. That cigar is great.

I'll get more of them. Should we have guests on our podcast? Dude, I pushed what I had to 230 thinking, I was thinking like I'm going to have time for lunch. I have dinner at six at Frank and Musso's. Musso and Frank's? Musso and Frank's, yeah. Dinner at six there. Boy, you're going to make that. I don't know. After Frank and Musso's. Musso and Frank's? Musso and Frank's, yeah. Dinner at 6 there.

Boy, you're going to make that. I don't know. After these two drinks. Oh. So are we going to have guests on our podcast or is it just me and you? It's easier if it's just me and you. Yeah. I hate booking guests because-

I do too. It becomes like a- It's the biggest mistake I ever made. It becomes an issue. It's the best thing about the Money Morning Podcast. I'm actually going to go fly after this. Stinking of a cigar. Are you learning anything when you fly

or are you just flying? Yeah, I'm going to do some auto rotations. That's landing without it on? Yeah, you simulate a... Crash. Oh, no. You don't simulate a crash. I do that when I solo.

I simulate a crash No and then we're gonna do These things called pirouettes Which is my favorite thing ever Like this? Like what? Can you please do it again? Yeah that's a pirouette

That was the most dainty thing You got an athletic side to you I think 39 yarder Explosivity No I've never done these before What is it? Basically you're in a hover

And then you're just flying steadily To one side or the other While doing a slow 360 And you have to maintain Like control And it just kind of gets all the functions The pedals, the collective, the cyclic Everything So you want to be going this way So what do you have to do with and it just kind of gets all the functions of the pedals, the collective, the cyclic, everything.

So as you want to be going this way, so now what you have to do with like, it's just like a steering wheel. If I want to go this way, I go this way. But now because I'm spinning, it's like this and then you got to pull it back and then you're going backwards and then I got to switch it over.

Oh, this is the perfect chair to describe it. Look at that. That's a beautiful pirouette. Perfect pirouette. And then I failed. We went to see the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil in a helicopter. And the guy takes us up. The Christ?

Christ the Redeemer. At least it's a Christ or something. No. Christ Redeemer. He had family down there. In a helicopter, we go up the mountain, right, over all the favelas, get up there. I'm guessing it's maybe like 5, feet up in the sky it's a huge mountain and then yeah that might be too high anyway five thousand might mean about and then

we go up there and then the guy goes out parallel to it over brazil and we are now just and he just sat there still like just sit there yeah and i'm i panicked so goddamn hard and he just sat there waiting to hear you know okay i'm ready to come in and he just yeah and i'm i fucking panicked so goddamn hard and he just sat there waiting to hear you know okay i'm ready to come in and he just sat at i'm saying 5 000 feet it could have been 10 000 feet for all i fucking know it was so fucking high and we just sat there not moving not moving in a helicopter and i was fucking losing and he didn't speak english i kept going are we going in are we going to do Are we going? He said, jujitsu, or whatever he said. What's the scariest thing?

One of the Gracies. What was the scariest thing that's ever happened in a helicopter? To anybody? To you. Yeah, I don't want to answer that. Why? Huh? Have you had scary moments?

Yeah. It's like anything. Drive down the highway, you have a scary moment. Not often. All right. scary moments yeah it's like anything drive down the highway you have a scary moment not often all right i was soloing for one of the first times and i was so nervous i was gripping the throttle and the throttle you know there's a governor and it'll adjust yeah okay and i was flying the you know when you take off you just you're flying pattern. It's just like a square like that. So you take off, and then it's crosswind, downwind, base, final. And I was flying the downwind, and I'm doing my downwind checks, and it needed more throttle, but I was so scared

that I had like a death grip on it, and the low RPM horn came on, which is nauseating. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm having a fucking main road of failure here. And now I have to do a 180 auto, which I was not good at. And you're by yourself? Yes. Yes.

And I just, by lowering the collective, because that's what you do, you're like a lab rat. You just slam it down. But I kind of, by slamming it down, i let go and i felt it move i went oh kept flying we were in a helicopter going out to this thing called the frying pan it's in the middle of the ocean by the way now my instructor taught me i was grabbing it like this this is the throttle now he go he told me he goes slide your hand down so this isn't you just have it like this. This is the throttle. Now he told me, he goes, slide your hand down.

So this is, and you just have it like this. You just hold it like this. That's still enough to crank it down. But as you get more experienced, you're not white knuckling. Yeah. So you're hanging onto it loose. So then you just feel it moving. It's very phallic what I just did there.

They told me that. I just showed you how to hold the collector. Fly a helicopter. I can probably do it. And give a hand job. Do you think I could get in a helicopter with no training and figure it out? No. Like, hold on.

Hold on one second. Hold on one second. Be honest. Do you think, okay. I'm being honest. No. Armageddon. Helicopters are on.

This fucking guy can kick field goals. He can fly helicopters. What the fuck? Who am I podcasting with here? I flew a plane with no training Did they already take off? Yeah And the guy just gave you the controls?

Yeah, you're not flying That's like when your dad goes, hey, take the wheel They say if you go too fast in a helicopter It stalls Is that what they say? Is that right? They say if you go too fast in a helicopter, it stalls. Is that what they say? Is that right? No.

You go to a certain... You get retreating blade stall. That's what it is. Yeah. That's what I don't want. But you know, it makes this big... What do they call it? Differential and lift. That's all that ground school shit.

I just know what not to do. It's easy. You just do what they say to do and don't do what they say not to do. And then you're fine. But the problem is there's other fucking idiots up there. That's the problem.

I can't believe I'm not going to be able to finish this fucking thing. You're pretty much done. How long a ride is it over to Burbank? You're in Burbank. I mean, Burbank Airport, though. That's right. Fucking five minutes? Yeah, okay, cool. All right, I can, Burbank Airport, though. Oh, fucking five minutes? Yeah, okay, cool. Alright, I can finish this.

Oh, you're going straight to the airport? Yeah. Flying at 2.30. Do you have to rent it? No, they give it to you for free. Do you have, like, the way I do SoulCycle? Do you have to go in and go, ooh, I'll take it? Yeah, and Stacy Dash is gonna be like, I wanted that helicopter. Callback! We love the callbacks.

I wanted that helicopter. Callbacks. We love the callbacks. Could I get a helicopter off the ground with no training? Yeah, just fucking pull the thing up. And it just goes vroom. Yeah, and then you vroom. Guys, I'm getting us out of here.

We're going to Camarillo. Let's go. Yep, just like that. Just like that. Do you have an exit strategy for an Armageddon of you and your family in a helicopter i'd have to have one near me you couldn't just yeah because it already takes an hour to get the burpee from my fucking house forget about during armageddon we just murder 40 people and get by the tanks if they've somehow left the keys in one like everybody where i fly

wouldn't have already taken all of them there's one left there's one left there's another thing too they always show in the movies like the zombies are coming and you just run and you just jump in a plane that's not how it works maybe a plane but a helicopter there's a whole startup procedure i mean i guess you could bypass it bypass it and just fucking start it up and get it going. Because you got to go check all the screws. Well, I don't think when the zombies are coming, you're going to do any pre-flight. What if this crashes? Well, it's better than getting eaten while still alive.

You guys got your seatbelts on? Oh, fuck. All right, we should wrap this up if you're gonna get over there okay all right what's the wait how do we end it thank you for listening to the bill burt pod cast god bless you Bye.