The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 10

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about jumping rope, embarrassing themselves in front of celebrities, and call Nick Swardson. 

Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's time for another edition of the Bill Burt Podcast. There we go. I watched last week's, and it seemed like there was a delay, and so I wanted to get really on top of it this time. That was great, man. I think that was our best one. All right.

I just found my favorite Twitter profile ever. It's called learn pronunciation oh my god I need that okay how do you work how do you pronounce the word C E M E N T Cement? Cement. Hey, let me tell you something. You keep talking wise, you're going to end up with a pair of cement shoes. Cement shoes. That's right. That's how they say it.

Cement. I didn't know that. This is, by the way, this is something at a dinner party I could do for fucking hours. I pronounce a lot of words wrong. But I think it's... I always say... I get a massage. It's a massage.

Massage? A massage. Massage. Massage. Oh, okay. Here we go. How do you say, you ready for this? B-U-F-F-E-T.

Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. No, you don't. You're trying to get, you're going to get your ass kicked. Hey, let's walk across this cement over to the buffet. And get some tomato. gonna get your ass kicked. Hey, let's walk across this cement over to the buffet. This is the most pretentious pronunciation. Come on, keep going. I want to be a fucking, I want to be, I want to be aristocratic here. A buffet.

Okay. O-N-I-O-N. You got to go slower, dude. I'm too dumb. There was just a lot of O's in that. I didn't know where you were going. O-N-I. O-N. On it.

Joe Rogan. O-N-I-O-N. You cut one and they make you cry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you're in my head because it seems so easy. Onion. An onion. Onion.

I'm calling bullshit. You're just fucking with me. No, it's A-N, A-H dash N-I-O-N. So it's onion. Onion. An onion. Okay, you ready? They have the best buffet.

Oh, here we go. Here's a good one, here's a good one, okay? How do you pronounce pronunciation? This is how you, this is the proper, this is really a fun fucking, so this is, do you see that, Bill? Yeah. This is really a fun fucking, so this is, do you see that Bill? Yeah. You pronounce, it's not pronunciation, pronunciation, it's pronunciation, pronunciation.

No, no, you're getting too far into the sound spell. It's pronunciation. Pronunciation. That's not pronunciation. Pronunciation. Yeah, you're doing that. You're doing the Adam Sandler. Cajun man.

Did you see my Adam Sandler interview? Kevin Nealon. Dude, people told me that you fanned out so bad. This is how much I love you. This is how much I love Bert Kreitzer. When you were like this, hang on a second, hang on like this, hang on a second. Adam, hang on a second.

I have a story. I have a story I want to tell. I immediately hit stop. I love you too much to watch you implode in front of one of your big, like, inspirations because I've done it. Wait, who have you done it to? Gary Shandling. Are you serious? I'm still shaking that off. There's times I'll be in the

shower and I'll just think of it and just go, ugh! Or I'll be walking on a hike and I'll be like, ugh! What happened with you and Gary Shandling? There's no way for me to tell this story. I'm going to tell it, but every time I tell it, I tell it but you know every time i tell it i get embarrassed oh ah so i was at uh it was a christmas party i was doing a failed pilot for

comedy central like 10 12 years ago and somehow they were in business with adam sandler or they were going to uh his Christmas party and maybe it was maybe one of Adam's movies they just bought the rights to show it I don't know what somehow they were affiliated I was like oh my god I never met Adam so I showed up and uh and this is the Comedy Central Christmas party no this was like Adam Sandler just had his own Christmas party and then just invited people out and And it was, it was at this multifunctional place, like one place you could like play video games, another place you could go bowling. And then there was like a big, just function area. Yeah. And I went in there.

And he was on stage, playing and singing. And it was it was crazy. It's like, Oh, my God, a private and Adam Sandler concert. I can't believe this is amazing. And it was some sort of a function room. Maybe they had dinner there. We got a little late. And they had all these big, like, eight, ten-person tabletops pushed all the way to the side so there could be a dance floor and all of that stuff. So behind all of those tables, I see Gary Shandling standing there by himself maybe one other person yeah and i'm like drunk and i'm like oh my god i have to say hello oh i have that impulse every fucking time this is

the last time i ever did it so i fucking start going over there and do when i'm telling you it was like going through thorn bushes trying to step over all of these chairs and these tables trying to get through it it should have dawned on me if he's all the way over here he wants to be left alone so i finally get all the way over and i see him kind of eyeballing me as i'm stepping over the chairs like a drunk idiot. Philip Seymour Hoffman, fucking idiot, right? Fucking stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah. So I get up to him. When I get up to him, the music is so loud he can't hear me. I come up to him perpendicular and I stick my hand out like this. So it's kind of near his stomach and he thought i was trying to get by as i was going you know gary i'm a huge fan i just wanted to say you're an inspiration he he can't

hear any of that he just sees my hand goes out and he kind of goes like this like i'm trying to get by and then i was all bleary like no what i was trying to say is that, and I just see him look at me. I can't even remember what he said. And then I had to turn around and climb back over the fucking chairs. I think I was just muttering. I hate myself. I hate myself. I ended on a fucking loop. It was, and I was just like, I am never doing that again. I really thought about it. I was I was like this is Adam's party this is one of these things these guys like him get bugged all the time you know yeah just everybody just be fucking cool say Merry Christmas Happy Hanukkah Happy Kwanzaa and keep it fucking

moving and I came in like the only thing I could have done worse if I if I handed him a script I mean it's my first script just you could just read it give me some feedback that was the only thing I could have done worse and I had to watch Gary Shandling stuff for about 10 years you know intermittently before I the memory started to fade because I would start to watch his stuff and it would come back up again um but Judd's documentary uh Judd Apatow's amazing documentary put the whole thing to bed again because I got to see him as like a person oh and then I realized how private he was and all of that as I was watching it I just kept thinking oh my god I am the worst it was awful but you're but you're someone that people there are probably a hundred comics that probably feel like they have

that story with you and I don't think so dude because I I like to think that I love new comics and I'm not stupid either because I know that as I keep getting older they're going to be running the castle and I'm going to need to play an old dad or a grandfather so how many comics two two things older comics that treat younger comics like you're beneath me fuck you not only is that just a shitty human to human thing to do but also even if you're just a fucking asshole you should at least fake it because it's bad business because you're going to be fucking you're going to be working for him yeah this business is youth oriented but but you are the someone that like i remember we were eating breakfast one time and that guy came up i remember i did a joke he like came up he's like i hate to bother you guys and i remember going like

i know i get it all the time and he did not know who i was and he was shaking and he was like bill bill burr i just want to say you're the voice of our generation not know who i was and he was shaking and he was like bill bill burr i just want to say you're the voice of our generation and thank you so much and you're like ah thanks man like you get you get people not just comics you get people coming up to you like like saying they have so much in their head they want to say to you i've seen it happen we went to mxpl game and it's like i get the like the machine it's in and out like i'm like hey what's up they're like dude you do your specials without your shirt on man you're accessible yeah but people come up to you and they start to tell you their story the way you go to

gary shandling or i do to sandler oh no oh i dude i wonder how many people. I like meeting people. Listen, my thing, as long as you're not blind, drunk, dirty, or sweaty hands, who the fuck wants to add up on it? But Shanley wasn't rude to you, was he? He was just like, didn't know how to. No, he didn't know what it was. But he had that look on his face where I kind of got a window into what it was like to be him. where I kind of got a window into what it was like to be him.

His level of fame and being just one of the best who ever did it. And it was kind of like, I felt like I walked up to Larry Bird in the locker room at like the Olympic All-Star game. And he's hanging with his magic and Jordan and all that. And somehow I snuck in with a big number one finger in the beer cup glasses. Like, I mean, at that point, it's like I should have been thrown out of the business. I mean, I was in the business, dude. At that point, that was like late 2009, 2010.

So I've been in the business 17, 18 years. There was no excuse for that behavior. But wait, but wait, where were you in the business? Now, let's say I had done a failed pilot with Comedy Central. 17, 18 years. There was no excuse for that behavior. But wait, but wait, where were you in the business now? I had done a failed pilot with comedy central. How many, what special were we on right here? Are you on Netflix yet? Yeah, I'd done, I'd just done my second hour.

Okay. And then hair, no hair. Ooh, is that part of the equation? I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe hair, clean shaven. the equation? I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hair clean shaven. Oh, really? Okay, okay. Wow, your whole energy just changed when you pictured me with hair and a beard. Well, yeah, yeah. You were like, oh, wow, I remember that guy.

I remember, yeah, yeah. I'm debating on whether to go clean shaven right now. I feel like I want to get a haircut, but I don't. It's just like stringy and disgusting. Well, I've been joking on my podcast that if you're going to shave your head, now's the time to do it. Brian Callen shaved his. Did you see it?

No, he's got a good head. It looks great. But Brendan Schaub could not stop laughing at him and just said he looks like a failed tennis ball. Oh, man. No, no, he'll pull it off. He'll it off he's got a smaller head i got a big head he's got a small head and he's in incredible shape yeah he i thought he looked good i was thinking about shaving mine but i have a really big head and my hairline's way back here do you

remember like do you remember before bobby shaved his head his hairline was back no he was he was one of those guys like me he He was losing it back here. Oh, for real? I thought he was losing it up here. No, I think it was back. I think it was back. Well, I mean, then what happens is then it starts. If you have it up here, that's a slow thing.

But if you have it back here, then it starts here. I always compare Hitler when he started fucking with Russia and England. He was fighting a war on two fronts. It just next thing you know you're in the bunker i just saw 1917 oh my how amazing was that whole i know that's a different war but holy shit that i just saw 1917 and then did all the research i had not paid attention to how horrific world war one was yeah it kind of doesn't get the respect it deserves. It's like, if you're going to go like ACDC albums, World War I is like the flick of the switch

for those power age, for those about to rock, sort of didn't get, you know, mainstream. You know, World War II was back in black shook me all night long you know tom broke our greatest generation dewey selman versus leroy selman dewey selman was an amazing defensive back but his brother had the sacks so you remembered leroy selman oh his brother was it was a defensive back yeah dewey selman and he had, and he had sickle cell anemia. Oh, he died? I remember my dad explaining to me what sickle cell anemia was.

I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. So did Leroy Selman died, too. When I was a kid, I must have been like six years old, and my dad walked me through sickle cell anemia. It's a horrible disease. You were six years old, he walked you that i remember i remember i learned two things at buck games never have m&ms and chewing tobacco because my dad this kid was had chewing tobacco was eating m&ms my dad was like buddy this isn't gonna end well and i was like he's swallowing the

juice yeah and he threw up all next to me and my dad my dad's like called it just got up and we walked out and my dad walked me through sickle cell anemia like told me about the disease dude i gotta be honest with you i love your dad dude you know how cool that is to go called it called it let's go get out of here buddy come on yeah i remember the first bucks win i remember i remember it's so funny man those memories you have i was laying in bed this tonight going I'm getting old. Like one day, like I'm at the age now where I feel like every time someone says an age, they're younger than me. Do you, do you know what I'm saying?

Bert, I'm older than you. What happens when I ask you how old you are now, dude, you got to, um, that's like, uh, the thing that i learned that i was able to turn my brain around because i was really really fucking negative yeah like uh you know i know i'm cynical with my act or whatever but like you know i i i root for people i want people to be successful i want to be okay i'm not like how sometimes people may perceive me. But when I was in my 20s, my 30s to mid 30s, I bottomed out and I had, I had to like read all of these, you know, these books, Your Word is Your Wand, this comedian Tony Moschetto told me about that book. And I just and I really started paying

attention to what my brain was telling me. I had this really weird thing where like the long game, I was like, I'm gonna make it and I'm all right but every little fucking step getting groceries there's gonna be no parking spots and then I won't be able to get groceries and then I'll be running out of gas I was just I was catastrophizing I guess is what they call it in therapy world I was doing that all the time and now I just kept working on it working on it I was able to turn it around and I feel to actually become who I was supposed to be before all the bullshit happened when I was a kid. And I was actually talking about to my wife, Nia today, about 20 years, I'll be 71, 72, getting ready to retire. And it made me a little depressed. And then I just immediately attached like 10 positive things I could think about of being that age. And that, you know, that I could so I could get myself out

of it. Because it's kind of like, if you're not clinically depressed, then you just sort of like, habitually bummed out is what I had. Yeah, sort of thing, sort of beaten down, a beaten down person. I find that like when those thoughts come in, you can be like, all right, am I going to let that thing get around my neck and take me down to the bottom of the lagoon for two, three days, couple of weeks, put on 15 pounds, not write any jokes, or am I going to go work out? Am I going to go play drum, play with my daughter, get something healthy to eat watch a comedy like or do something dude make the bed you know that video on youtube where the admiral says get up and you make the bed i've been doing that lately during the pandemic it makes me feel great i don't know what the fuck it is you make your bed and you come in when you get in it

the sheets feel cooler crisper i don't know what it is as opposed to getting your bed huh i think i've there. Make your bed. Huh? I think I've seen this. Make your bed? Yeah, he gave this whole speech. I didn't watch any of it. I just saw all his awards, and he goes, you get up in the morning, you make your bed.

And I was like, all right, I've seen enough. Oh, I showed Ila. You know, Jaco Willink? Willink? I'm messing his last name. He's friends with Rogan. Jaco Pistoria? No, Jaco. Oh. Are we at Flor with Rogan. Jaco Pistorius? No, Jaco. Floridian?

Who? Jaco Pistorius, is that what his name? I thought he was south of, the guy who shot his girlfriend? One of the best bass players ever. My God, you wanna talk about how far away we are from the original subject? I'm thinking of Oscar Pistorian, who shot his girlfriend. I thought that's who you were talking about oh the guy with the uh sickles yeah the sickles the sickle that was one of my favorite

jokes nick dipalo said that he he's all set when he goes to prison he doesn't need to make a shank he's got two hanging on his feet his legs no jaco how did he get away with that he got away with it i thought he did yeah i think he did i'm trying to remember i thought it was a robber and he fucking and you thought he locked himself in your bathroom bullshit he chased her in there and she was screaming no no no and he shot her through the fucking door someone let her bleed out someone that's what i think someone told me about uh jim jeffries has a joke about uh uh oscar pastorius and he was like and i i i forget i wish i could remember who it was and they're like this is my favorite joke and he's doing it on it's like we're at the improv and it's on the screen on the tv and and some i wish i could remember who i was with i always

say it was sagar or someone but like someone i respect was like this is my favorite joke and i said why and as they say that and by the way my memory is shady but jim jeffries does an impression of oscar pastorius dragging himself across the floor with no legs he goes he's basically just making fun of handicapped people, but he's getting a pass because this guy murdered his girlfriend. And I was like, and I watched it, and Jim Jefferies is going... Ah!

Jim Jefferies is just, he's on a whole other level. Dude, he is so good. Like, he's, he, there are, what I love about Jim Jefferies, the same thing I love about you is, like, it's, he, there are, what I love about Jim Jeffries, the same thing I love about you is, like, it's like you guys, you guys are on your own path. Like, there's an old thing about, that I heard, that if you see the path in the forest,

then that means other people are taking the path, and you're on the wrong path. You need to carve your own path through the woods. And so that you need to be stepping on grass and making your own path. And I love that. I love that. It's scary as fuck when you really try to make your own path and go i gotta not listen to what everyone's telling me and do my own thing because sometimes you look like a jackass you know oh yeah but it's it's one of them you go uh uh jim jeffries it's almost like doug stanhope you

guys are so definitively on your own paths in this business. Those guys, like the two that I saw that were on their own path and I got inspiration from was in the late 90s when I was doing The Road. I don't give a fuck where I went, how obscure it was. Doug Stanhope and Mitch Hedberg had either just been there or were coming there or whatever. And they were the only two guys that I saw that wanted to do the road the way I wanted to, that saw the whole romance Jack Kerouac bullshit of it, of like, you know, like when I all the the, all the autobiographies that I read about comedians, it wasn't about when they did the tonight show. It was about when they were doing a one nighter in, you know, in El Paso, Texas, and a group of bikers came in or something crazy happened.

And, um, the adventures that they had, like out on the road and stuff. And, um, I'll tell you as much as I try to enjoy life in the moment and stuff, like I kind of realized like I had like this last decade, I had this great moment in my life on the road and, and it just went by so fucking quick. And now we're all older, you know, Verzi's headlining now. So we don't get to work together. Uh, my buddy Lawhead got married. He's down to San Diego doing sports radio and all that stuff and like I stopped drinking and smoking cigars

there was this period dude where we were just beating the shit out of our livers and doing killer shows I was like 20 pounds heavier and we like every night every night was like the greatest night we had on the road and I was just texting with Lawhead and Verzi and I was saying I think the pinnacle night we had on the road we were doing the Tabernacle in Atlanta which is yeah that place is you just go in there there's something about that place where you're like it's just it's like this is what i did all the work for was to be able to play a place like this in a city like this in a crowd in front of a crowd like this so it just so happened they were filming anchorman 2 and i knew uh dave david keckner through him doing dave keckner through doing stand-up so he said come on down to the set

this was all one day come down to the set we're shooting i went down there you know met paul rudd and they would shoot in a scene and will farrell was there and he stayed in character when he met us and he just like all of them were just fucking the best guys ever and then later on that night uh paul r and and Koechner came out to the show really and I had a I had a tour bus and we were hanging out we were we had a couple of shots everybody feeling good you know I waited till after the show we went out everybody fucking murdered Paul and Koechner stood on the side of the stage watched the show so generous we're laughing and then the end you know we're telling them what big fans you were we We get on the bus and we had like good fellas on DVD

and we had Anchorman and I saw Paul Elbow Dave and he pointed to it, could see like this wasn't bullshit. And we just hung out for the whole night, telling stories, laughing our asses off, drinking beers, doing shots. And the night ended. And I think then we got in the bus

and we did it overnight because I didn't realize you paid overtime yeah and we got in the bus and then we drove all the way out oh no that was when we were coming from Alabama I think we just ended the night on the tour bus and it was like it was right outside the stage it was just it was I know that I know that it's off to the side in the parking lot I know we had we had cuban cigars and probably what we thought were cubans but in our head they were cuban cigars and that was perfect weather i remember no jacket nothing and we had a couple of lawn chairs sitting outside the bus and just telling stories and laughing until like three or four in the morning and uh all i remember the next day was paying for it.

Because, you know, I was kind of dragging ass the next day. So I was thinking about the hangover. And like, we just text about it yesterday or two days ago. And I was like, you know what, I think that that was the high watermark. As far as on the road, the gig, the hang, the group of people, you know, it was just, and like last decade was, I don't know, as you get older, it goes faster. So last decade was just a frigging blur, but it was fun. I feel like I'm in the middle of that. I'm in the middle of having fun on the road right now. And I'm trying to look at this quarantine as not like, hey, you're taking some of my fun away. I go, I feel like I'm extending my life.

I'm extending. I'm getting to slow down for the first time in forever. I haven't drank in 21 days. No cigars. No weed. I feel good. I ran seven miles this morning. I feel like I'm going to see if I can run a marathon today, throughout the day.

Dude, do you realize how funny it would be if you got in ridiculous shape maybe do your next special that's right and you take your shirt off totally ripped now you're not relatable anymore your whole audience this fucking asshole what do you think you're gonna be the next brad pitt at 40 whatever the fuck you are you know what's up with kettlebells huh guys yeah you know you know because you know when you're on your last set of squats you know you won't be relatable at all all my all my all my references are like and i walk in and my wife's looking at me the way the way that that a squat rack looks at you when you walk it you know what i'm talking about right guys pat pat pat mcafee and aj you

know aj hawk aj hawk no it's a that's that's a fucking action hero name from like oh shit right a movie name pat mcafee aj hawk has a podcast called the hawk cast he's on um he's on uh he's he used to play for the packers and uh linebacker for the Packers long blonde hair ponytail um you remember him if you saw the guy I'm thinking about got traded to another team who had the long blonde hair was always sacking people for the Packers might be AJ Hawk he might he might have gotten traded but, we were on a chat thread this morning, and Segura and AJ said, I said, I'm getting on my treadmill. And AJ Hawk just, like, you know this is right in my wheelhouse.

He goes, got a buddy that tried to run 50 miles in 24 hours. You think you could do that, Bert? And, oh, Bill, immediately I start doing the math. I go, okay, 50 miles. In 24 hours? That's more than two miles in an hour. Yeah, obviously.

You're up for 24 hours. No, it's going to be 15 hours of running. That's what I look at it. 15 hours of running. You just got to go six in the morning, six at night, and then push it until as long as you can go Bert don't do that I'm gonna do it well the first thing you need to do is you need to go to Costco and get a giant vat of Vaseline and you need to just do the whole

undercarriage here because your balls your balls don't you don't do that balls get chafed just running a marathon yeah no you put you put glide on the glide stuff they have there's no chafing whatsoever we were we when i ran the la marathon i ran it with with uh jesus trejo do you know jesus trejo i love jesus you ran the marathon dude that's amazing i ran the la marathon with no training i'd said to Rogan I could do it. And he was like, you can't do it. And I was like, I definitely can do it. And Ari, him, and Tom were all like, you can't do it.

And then they were, like, throwing out times that I couldn't beat. And I was like, I can do it. No training. So I went out, no training, ran the LA Marathon. What does no training mean? You weren't even jogging? Didn't train for a marathon. I just went out and did it.

What did you run it in, like, seven hours five hours and 33 minutes dude that's a killer time it's not well it's not oprah did it in like 4 20 or something but but she trained for it but she has she has billionaire sneakers dude i did it with just willpower i just said i will i can I will be in this spot moving forward. I will put one foot in front of the other foot for the next five hours, six hours. That's it. That's all I did. I just said, it was amazing how once you decide you're not going anywhere but here, here's where you're going to be for the next six hours,

and this is what we'll do for the next six hours. It's amazing how it doesn't fuck with your head. You just kind of go, so this is it, you know, this is where we're going to be. But the funny part of this is they give out, they give out food and drinks throughout the marathon. So we're in Silver Lake running downhill, raging against the machines in my headsets. Jesus is next to me. And I say to him, Jesus, uh, Jesus probably trained as little as I did. And i beat him jesus i go if they give you anything eat it or drink it like do not don't think like oh i'm good whatever they give you just take it you went really i said 100 and i see someone with a tongue depressor full of vaseline to put on your Jesus grabs it. And then... Oh!

Oh, no! Like, it's got no flavor. Oh, God! I'm crying, laughing, like, coughing. I'm laughing so hard, going, "'Hey, Jesus, you're not supposed to eat that.' He goes, "'You told me to eat everything.'" What was it?

Like, mile 16 or 17? No, it wasn't. No. Probably mile seven. No, mile six. Oh, that's even worse. Yeah, mile 13. Mile 13 was the Comedy Store. What was it like when you came up the hill

or down the hill or on the straight and you saw the finish line? That was on the pch it was you cry oh my kid my kid i'll cry telling you about it my kids my wife and my kids were on the pch they were cheering for me i ran past them and i just started punching it you you go down i think i want to say it's san vic, but you go down and you hit the PCH and turn left. And it was, I mean, it was like wind, ocean wind in your face, my wife and kids. And I'm just, I'm Instagram and stories.

Yeah, I'm doing it. Cross the finish line. Everyone knew. I mean, like I put it out so much on social media that there were people on the street going the machine ice cold waters the machine people dressed in machine shirts oh that's awesome playing come on i got you burt playing electric guitar with one amp dude it was so cool bill so many people were waiting on the side signs for me and then when i run i see my my daughter wife and daughters that my wife and daughters are like i can't believe you fucking did this like i left at like four in the morning five in the morning they were sound asleep i just left

i'm running my wife's texting me i'm like yeah i'm good i'm doing great i passed them i crossed the finish line maybe one of the greatest feelings i've ever had and this kid one of they have all the kids are handing out medals and he goes i can't believe i get to do this puts it over and he goes congratulations machine you have the mickey to do this. Puts it over and he goes, congratulations, machine. You have the Mickey Mantle jean. And I was like, I'm falling. They put a fucking blanket on me. It was the greatest, man.

It was awesome. Great. And immediately I couldn't walk. Like the second I stopped running, I could not walk. Yeah, I was going to say, how messed up were you and for how long? For about, I was messed up pretty bad for about two weeks like the next day i couldn't get out of bed two weeks two weeks i couldn't i i ended up gaining a bunch of weight because i couldn't do anything i mean i couldn't get i

remember getting stuck on the toilet i went to take a shit and i couldn't get up off the toilet like the next day how much weight did you lose did would you be able to step on the scale i gained six pounds running a marathon running a marathon because i ate everything i ate everything they gave me so i it was like burned even amounts calories and then i get back and i'm like fucking pizza beers i just i'm saying did you step on the scale after you ran it i stepped on the scale before i ran it and i stepped on the scale before I ran it, and I stepped off the scale, and I gained weight after the marathon, not even eating pizzas. Leanne got me a Tallboy for the ride home, like a beer. So I drank a beer for the ride home. If you're lucky, you didn't fucking die.

If you didn't train, she probably should have been giving you something to replenish your fluids, not something that's going to make you dehydrated. I partied so hard the night before too i went out and then i kept bragging over you it was like two years ago 45 dude that was a that's an amazing story that was really like a reckless that was you took a chance there man it was very reckless i kept saying to people i didn't train for this like we're at the beginning line i'm with jesus and i got my phone out i'm like i'm like how long do you train the guy's like uh 12 weeks i did a 13 12 week program and i was like oh cool he's like how about you and i just go on i didn't he's like what i said i didn't he's like what did you

do i said i took a ship for this and that's about it and i laugh yeah everyone was laughing they're like you're not gonna make it and i was like well we'll see and uh and it was it wasn't it wasn't as hard the hardest part was running down sepolvita like because i don't even like driving down sepolvita and so like sepolvita is just a shit street right next to the 405 and i saw this grown woman in front of me at mile probably 20 22 21 shit her pants I was gonna say did she oh poor thing she shit she had like uh like yoga pants type on like tight pants on and she shit and it looked like a band-aid had fallen down and up it went it was it happened and I saw it come out like press out know, like when water pushes through cotton and then go down and up. It had some force.

It had some velocity. Yeah. It was almost like blood splatter, except it was shit. Now, let me ask you this. Did she keep going? Kept going. You got to marry that girl. Okay.

That is a keeper. Anybody can run 12 miles and shit themselves and get into a fucking you know a little fucking whatever those minivans and quit somebody's gonna keep going come on that's some william wallace shit they were every man people were falling off like it was like it was uh uh what's the what's the movie tv show that shoots in atlanta the dead walking dead people were just falling off on sepulveda right before i want to say right before san vicente i think that was might be santa monica was the road that go we ran down but right before we took the left and once you take the left it's it's one of those streets it's got a median on it and it's

like one side goes one way one side goes the other and it goes right to the pch right before we banged left it was like 22 miles and everyone started like cramping legs freezing falling off to the side everyone and that's when my legs my front my front my quads started uh spasming and i was like oh i understand why you train it for it now it's like your muscles aren't ready for this kind of stress. Like they're just going like, I don't know what to do. And so they started spasming and I went, oh, now I know why you train for it. Wow, man, that's amazing. I think in my younger days, I wanted to do that. But did I tell you

the other day I tried to skip rope for the first time in forever? Yeah, you did. the other day i tried to skip rope for the first time in forever yeah you did what was it first of all i had completely lost the hand eye coordinate whatever the hell it was it was like it's like i had never done it and it was like god had turned up the gravity on earth and i just couldn't jump high enough to get this little ass fucking rope underneath me. And it took me like three rounds, three rounds to finally get a little thing going. And then the next day, dude, my Achilles, my ankles, my feet, the arches of my feet for like five days. And I was just like, all right, got it, got it.

Not jumping rope ever again. I'm too old to jump rope. I don't want to get my feet and ankles back into shape to be able to do it at my age because I don't know what it's going to do to my knees and hips. So I've kind of had to get out of my ego with the working out thing and be like, all right, your bench pressing days are over, skipping rope, pretending like you're going to be the next middleweight champion. You're not. You're just a dumb dad. So I have to do like yoga, stretching,

and just sort of like bodyweight exercises that is not too intense. What would you ever do if a doctor said to you, hey, I can increase your testosterone? Would you do it? No, I don't do that. I would do the thing. I'm toying with the idea, doing the shoulder thing where they spin your blood, because I'm really going slow with this thing, with the, look at my fucking shirt, keeps cutting in and out here, sorry. My,

we've rotated a cuff. The problem is, is the second you lift your arm, that's when it engages. It's that first like 30 degrees. So that's why like literally reaching for a salt shaker can set it back. So, you know, I just graduated from a tuna can to a can of clams. That's a little bit heavier, laying on my side going like this

and then fucking doing this. And then I so, like my goal, I just want to get back to, I have this one pound pink weight. It's pink, Bert. I got to that. And then what happened was I went, oh, I'm doing the one pound thing, 15 reps. Then I moved to two pounds, the light purple, the Prince weight two pounder but what i didn't realize is mathematically i just increased the weight load by a hundred percent yeah it's like you bench in 100 pounds now bench 200 pounds except it's one pound or two pound but with your rotator cuff that's enough to set you back six fucking weeks and you have to start all over again doing wall crawlers with

your fucking hand it's just it's been and for someone like me who has no fucking patience brains and and whatever else that you need um it's like i mean i would rather be back in fucking geometry class which i to this day i completely don't understand and how did you hurt your rotator scrub in the first place learning how to lift weights from friends in the 80s and all it was was benching curling doing these shoulder strokes doing this never did your back so up here was way stronger than back there so it pulled my show a lot of guys you'll see older guys their shoulders are bowed in then it might spines a little curve so it's up like that so it's just inevitable it was going to get pinched.

And I bought this whole home gym, and I got it in my head five years ago. I'm going to fucking be able to do the combine 225 again. Once in my life, I put up 225. Total 80s mentality. Dude, that's when you got 245 plates on both sides. And then my buddy who i lifted with he liked the three he goes when you get to three he goes he's like dude he's like that when the bar starts to bend we were in we were in that mindset so i went back to that you know like a

lot of middle-aged guys do where it's just like you're trying to am i the guy who's gonna defeat father time so i got downstairs i went into the garage had this whole killer fucking gleaming brand new weights and i took it off the rack i don't even know it was like 115 pounds and i just and i already fucked up my shoulder a little bit I brought it down and it felt like like someone took a saw it was just like oh and I was just like but I was in young guy mentality I was like I'll do a couple more reps maybe that'll work itself out and I was like ah ah what the fuck and then I just stopped and the next day I woke up and like I reached for a T-shirt. And like the weight of the T-shirt in my hand, I was like, yeah.

And I had already fucked it up. And then sort of like just by not knowing, just doing shit like this, was able to work myself out. And then I really fucked it up. And then it took me like a year and a half to do that one. And I'm like a year. And then this one gave out. And I was so, and I didn't know how to rehab one. And I'm like a year. And then this one gave out and I was so,

and I didn't know how to, to rehab them. So I babied them and then I got frozen shoulder. Frozen shoulder is the fucking worst. Well, here's what you do to get out of it is what I did. Now don't fucking listen to me cause I don't want to get sued. My daughter was at the park. We were on the swing set. And I finally realized that that wasn't rotator cuff pain. was just it's all schmutzed up so i just took this hand arm i put it up with my other hand and i just grabbed on to the top of the swing set and then i just was slowly walking forward

just going oh making noises and everyone was looking at me like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I got frozen. I would literally get out of breath. It was a weird thing because it didn't hurt enough to take your breath away, but there was something about the nervy kind of pain of it that I was like, it was the worst. I just did that stupid Irish fucking guy thing. I'm just going to fucking plow my way through it now. Yeah, so I wouldn't do the testosterone thing. I think I watched Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde too many times.

And I think whatever I have in me, I have too much of that works on a comedy stage, but does not work in the rest of my life. Like, dude, I fucking cursed out a guy today at the fucking gas station and he knew I was doing it because he had the audacity to get there first and park. And I go, you're going to do it. Aren't you? You fucking motherfucker. You can see my mouth going fucking, fucking, fucking. And he was just looking at me.

He had his mask down like this. Then I got out. I had my mask on. I had the gloves on, the whole fucking thing. It was the first time I got gas during the pandemic. Really? Yeah. My wife's got a fancy car, so it takes the good shit.

And it was still like barely three bucks a gallon. Has Nia left much? No. She probably hasn't left at all huh no not not much like we'll go on drives and stuff and um but but like you know like every two to three days i'm really trying to be like you know like like you know i really got a lot out of that marathon story we just said that like the fact that people came on the guy with the guitar and the amp it's like that's the part of humanity that i i try to focus on during all of this like i want people to like kind of use this thing to like as a way to come together which is why i don't watch

the news and i try to stay away from politics because i don't want to listen to one more fucking idiot telling me that they don't like trump or that he mishandled the thing. And it's like, okay, okay. But now the information's out there. Now we know what we need to do. Just do what they say. And, but the problem is, is this, um, you know, you've got conspiracy theorists, you got people who, who, who handle stress. They get in their ego oh dude it's not that big a deal you got young people behaving how i would have behaved like those kids at spring break i i just looked at it like that's that's not their fault that's bad parenting because they

should be too scared to do that yeah i would have i would have done that my dad i talked to my dad about it and he goes he said uh you know you know that would have been you right and i went no and he goes no yeah it definitely would have been you you would have gone on camera oh bill yeah i would i went on camera i'd be like i would be my my dad just his breathing before he laid into me would be enough of an ask. Not like my dad ever hit me or anything like that. Just like, I wouldn't want to deal with it. Dude, I left my water over here. Hang on a second. Let me go back.

I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. Yeah, I definitely would have. I was not the person that saw. To this day, I was walking. I was hiking up at Fryman, where I usually go hiking. And there was this girl out doing news reports. And she was her and her cameraman and a sound guy.

And they were just from the news. I was on TV for nine years straight at Travel Channel. I have no interest on being on TV. I could not. It was like a fucking moth to a flame. I walked over to the camera. I said, what are you guys shooting? She goes, we're doing an interview about sunglasses.

Would you like to talk to me? And I went, I actually love sunglasses. I'd love to talk to you. And I, I mean, I gave her the- Did you go up hoping she was going to recognize you? Like, oh, you're a crusher from the Travel Channel. No, I just, I didn't even think that. to talk to you and i i mean did you go up hoping she was going to recognize you like oh no no christian from the travel channel no i just i didn't even think that that far through i just walked over like you know what do you guys that makes it even better yeah the fact that you love

being on tv that much and you miss it that you're going to be that guy in the look because i whenever i watch those local news thing i'm like who would fucking stop to talk about how much it's been raining oh it's really been coming down our drains are filling up in the driveway it's like who the fuck has the time to do that bro i i gave her the best interview she's ever had in her entire life she asked one question all she said was uh so do you wear sunglasses a lot when you go outside? That's all she needed to give me. I moved myself out of dappled light because we were under a tree. I moved myself where the light was hitting my face so that you could see that I was wearing sunglasses. And then I answered, I grew up in Florida. I know about UV protection. I've been

wearing sunglasses to a kid. I told her a funny story. When I was a kid, I used to squint a lot. And my dad was like, what the fuck's wrong with this kid? And they took me to an eye doctor. The eye doctor goes, he's got blue eyes. I lift up my glasses, electric blue. Bill, I gave her such an interview. I talked straight for probably eight minutes. And then I complimented the progressiveness that they had a black female camera person. And I was like, and then I walked off and went on a hike. They walked away like, who the fuck was that guy? And then a month later, I start getting emails from fans in, in South Carolina. And they're like, Hey man, I'm watching the news.

You're on the five o'clock news talking about sunglasses. I am the exact opposite of you can tell if my overhead who has overhead lighting when they got a bald head this guy look like I just got back from a workout yeah I am that guy to a t to a t and what's crazy is when I was on tv and people go what are you guys shooting I get annoyed and then one day I realized I'm a hypocrite because if I see a camera or if I see them set up and they're a bunch of, you know, honey trucks or honey wagons, whatever they're called, or star coaches lined up on a street and they're shooting at a house, I always want to know what it is.

I always want to go, what are you guys shooting? Should I know you? Yeah, you know what I do when i see those honey wagons i go oh man those poor people just sitting in there waiting for their call time how much longer is it gonna be just one more setup i love it i mean that's what when i watched that movie 1917 aside from just just being blown away visually how they shot that thing let me tell you something dude how hard those people worked on that can you imagine the pre-production on that thing figuring out how you were going to shoot that and saying action and there's a hundred extras

running out and then you have you have to stay on on the the main characters and just i mean dude that literally that looked like drone footage of World War I. Half of that shit. It was amazing. It was spectacular. I didn't realize, Isla's the one that pointed out, like we're watching that first thing

of them getting up and walking to go see the general. And Isla goes, they haven't switched cameras. And I went, what? She goes, this is one shot. And now I'm watching going, this is one shot. Now,'m watching going this is one shot now

obviously it's not one continuous shot through the whole movie yeah you just there's ways a lot of times they'll have somebody passes in front of the camera like i just did there yeah my fucking hand hollywood magic bill burke is shooting 1917 and then i said to him hold on one second yeah let's just say when it wouldn't have ended up with the award shows if i shot that thing um i am i am amazed though at like direct right like directing i'm sorry i'm trying to be able to sit fucking back here with this stupid thing i am amazed at like the patience that people have editing and like like I almost lose my mind writing. Like I just get like, I don't have any,

like I will fight for a joke. And then about three minutes later, it's like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Put my character in a dress. Can we just move on to the next scene? I want to get out of here. I just want to get out of here. Look how beautiful it is out. How do you guys have the fucking discipline to keep sitting here? And then, you know, you watch as they're like, it is out how do you guys have the fucking discipline to keep sitting here and then you know you watch as they're like shooting whatever you're doing you know and as long as that process is you got to understand that somebody has to sit down and watch all of those fucking takes yeah burt your ride is here burt your ride is here burt your ride is here. Bert, your ride is here. Bert, your ride is here. Bert,

your ride is here. Imagine that for fucking hours on end going, is that thing? He kind of mumbled it. He had his hand up by his face. Does this move the story? Do you want to be here? Do you want to be out like this? It's just like, oh my God, fucking kill me. Kill me. to be out like this it's just like oh my god fucking kill me yeah kill me i i couldn't uh i i i used to do a vlog and i when i would do a vlog i would shoot a bunch of stuff and then i go to edit it and i started learning i started learning the less i shot the better the vlog was because the more i shot i just was like overwhelmed by it and I was like fuck it I'll just look at what I got anyway I like I I I would just I would take whatever I saw I'd be like that'll work that was that was like the old comedy centrals when you get the half hour yeah they

would say do at least 26 minutes and I'd see guys do 50 minutes and like why would you do that now they're gonna now they're gonna take 50 minutes and slam it down. I did what's the least I could do. That's what I did. And then they just took one four-minute bit out in my special. I mean, I would say it's a great special, but it flowed. As opposed to like, I know the guys, the more time guys did, the less they liked their special because they had zero input. You know, we were all new guys back then.

It was a different game back then, see? Do you you remember when you do a joke and they'd cut to commercial i mean like think about that now can you imagine them taking your special and just cutting to commercial and then people come back two minutes later and go wait what was he talking about oh that's right you know what the worst thing was? Was the year I went in, I did it. They had the, I'll never forget it, the promos. They had you sitting on a stool doing all this wacky shit to the thing. And in the background, they just had a trumpet that went,

ba-da, ba-da, bow. Ba-bow. That was literally, ba-da, ba-da, bow. You suck. I mean, that's what it just sounded like it's like what the i just remember thinking that like how is this the fucking it was under a different management because i feel like comedy center has come around again but back then they were just so churning it out it's like like that trumpet to me was like you don't even understand i don't even understand. I don't even think you even respect stand-up comedy.

We need like a wacky instrument sound. It was a muted trumpet. Yeah. I know everybody watching. I was probably going to go fucking Google that and send that to me a zillion times. And then it goes. I remember not getting a half hour. Doing like Premium Blend, not getting a half hour, doing like premium blend, not getting a half hour,

and taking it so personal and like thinking they must hate me. Like I submitted, they must really hate me. Not realizing that there was only, you know, 11 people that were going to get it. And they kind of already knew who the 11 were before they even needed to look at tapes. They didn't really need to look at tapes. I didn't know that and then i did a show for them on uh i did a show for them uh on comedy central called reality bites back right it was me amy schumer mo mandel donnell rollins red grant theo vaughn tiffany haddish it was a amazing. That's a monster cast. I know.

I can't believe they're not doing reruns. Anyway, I do the show. The show didn't do well, but I did well on the show. And I remember being in my bathroom going upstairs going, I wonder if they're going to notice me. And as I said that, the phone rang, and I answered it. And I got from two different people at Comedy Central, I got offered an hour special and a half hour special on like within the same five minutes and I went wait so this has no rhyme

or reason to like like there was and they were like do both do both it doesn't matter do both and I remember being like so it doesn't like it had nothing to do with submitting tapes like no one hated me no one even knew who the fuck i was and it was like they just wanted content yeah they just yeah and i was like oh fuck i was like here i've been having a personal battle with people that don't know who i am like having a one-sided fight in my head with people that have never heard of me no i've done that we everybody does that after a while yeah you know what but you're being too hard on yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me ask you this. If this pandemic goes for a whole year,

hopefully it doesn't, you're going to be a year sober, no cigars, no weed. Do you come out of this a newborn, shredded Bert Kreischer? Oh, yeah. I'm talking. I might become a motivational speaker. Dude i got the diet i got the diet i paid for it i'll pass the recipes on to you really i've dropped 10 pounds uh i started i started it

before all this bullshit well i mean the bullshit was going on but no one was taking it seriously i started in the beginning first week of march and i'm down like 10 pounds. Wow. Were you telling me about it last week where you're saying like, it feels good when you eat clean? Well, yeah. I try to avoid saying eating clean because I am... Well, first of all,

I'm eating a lot of vegetables and stuff, but God, I mean, I do a lazy job of washing those things off. So I'm probably better to be eating a cow that ate another cow with the amount of fucking carcinogens I've consumed. But it's great for the stomach. But no, I'm sort of doing like the prison workout and just eating really well. And that's it. and that's it and then like once every three days like yesterday in the rain i fucking uh i went for a hike just around my neighborhood it's not a it's not a hike unless you're in the dirt so i'm just

walking along the street so i got my mask on and shit and uh it's pouring down raining out and and i broke this screen on my phone like months ago i had an acting gig so i didn't have time to get it and now i can't get it fixed so i kept taking it out to select a new song not realizing there's cracks in the screen and it was raining on it and then it just started acting weird like it was punching in like the passcode for me as i was trying to get it and and i was going like holy because i watched this documentary where the fbi was tailing this guy and they were in his phone and i was going like, holy fuck, because I watched this documentary where the FBI was tailing this guy and they were in his phone. And I was like, oh my God, what did I say on my podcast?

They're in my phone. And then I realized it was the water and I was like, oh no. So I ended up coming home and my wife, because she's a saint, she goes, take it out of the case. So I took it out of the case. And for some reason it was texting people. I text some person. It was so funny it had nothing

to do with the conversation i had text back hey thanks for watching my special i appreciate it hope you can come out to my show at some point i wrote that and then after it the phone just wrote you got it and then for some reason that person put the emoji thumbs up on you got it. And I think because it made no sense. And what I love about the thumbs up emoji is the best because that's not. I heard what you said. Hey, I'm going to go out here. I feel like going out and going fucking shooting someone in a mall.

I guess you can't do that. That's a bad example. Whatever. going fucking uh shooting someone at a mall just i guess you can't do that that's a bad example whatever so i i talked myself into a corner i didn't have a reference so i just uh yeah bad example i uh yeah so she ended up taking a hair dryer to it and it worked so now it's it's fine and then i had to write the person back saying hey sorry about the you got it my phone got wet and sent that out and then this person he didn't write me back because i think he feels dumb because he responded to it with the thumbs up emoji um and that that right there bird is the end of my going on a hike with the cracked cell phone screen story i will do a cracked cell phone screen uh the other night isla isla will do if i'm sitting if i'm sitting in my

recliner i'll have my phone like this i'll hold it like this so that i can scroll with this finger and if isla sees that she'll come by and just go zoinks and just rip it out of my hands nice and i go isla come on baby and so the other day she does it and then does it grabs it and then goes just kidding and throws it over his shoulder to me and i'm like and i miss it and it hits the ground and i got so irrationally mad it was like the guy in that in that twilight zone who gets who gets let his wife doesn't like his reading and then he the whole world dies and he's stuck in a library and he breaks his glasses you remember that you remember that oh yeah yeah i saw it twilight that's all i felt like is the guy who's on his phone all the time then is we're in a fucking apocalypse and she breaks my phone and then i gotta deal with a broken phone and i

and i got really upset with her and i and i'm i was was like, it was like probably irrationally upset. That's that pandemic hangry. You know how people say when you get hungry, you get hangry? Yeah. I think you get a little pangry. Because I've had a couple that I've just flipped out a couple times in the house, just fucking being cooped up and shit, maybe watch the news for five minutes. Yeah.

Those fucking assholes. Like my buddy was going, dude, I'm so depressed. I just watched the news. They're showing here in New York, they're showing the bodies stacked up and there's no place to bury them. And I said, dude, don't watch that shit. Okay.

Because those fucking assholes in the media, they're going to cover people dying the way a fucking, the weather channel covers every storm and says it's a fucking hurricane and it's coming right from New York and then it goes out to sea, right? That's definitely sad what you saw. It's less than 1% of the fucking population, okay?

And if you sit down and you watch that shit, they're not offering any solutions. They're showing you horrible shit you know people are dying you don't need to see the body stacked up and all of that stuff god bless the people that work down there and they're trying to fucking help people out and have to move them around but there's no reason why you need that vice squad shit in your goddamn head just like just do what they say and ride this fucking thing out and then you, if you want to look at the fucking, the bodies, see it, you know, the documentary that comes out on Netflix in a year and a half or whatever.

Well, there's going to be a big one. But my- What part are you playing? I'm playing the fucking, I'm playing the Tiger King. My point was, I got really irrationally mad at isla and i told her i said if my phone broke i i was like it was really a perspective shift because i go if my phone broke i couldn't get it fixed isla i'd be having to sit through the rest of this pandemic with just a broken phone and then she looked at me she goes my phone broke the first day and i went my heart broke and i was

like oh my god your phone broke she goes yeah i didn't want to tell anyone because I knew we couldn't do anything about it and then I was like god damn it I go I'll buy you a new fucking phone she was like no it's fine it's not a big deal and I was like oh my god her phone broke and here I am lighting her up because she could have broken my phone and she was just trying to make me giggle I was like man you gotta get the fuck out of this house yeah I don't leave though'm not leaving. I haven't really left much at all. Hey, did I hijack your story with that dead bodies thing? No, no, no. Because the fact that you as a comedian remembered to go back to it,

I was just like, oh, shit. No, I wanted to be culpable in this and not just make I look like an ass. I can't watch the news, man. It doesn't help. I watch Food Channel and Cooking Network. Yeah, I'm not smart enough to fucking keep up on world events and actually have like some sort of like it's just overwhelmingly depressing and then and it does it doesn't make any sense to me because i walk around and i also have traveled a fair share of the world and people are walking around being cool to one another. So I don't understand why it's just horror. You know, bleak, depressed. I mean, I understand now pandemic is a terrible fucking thing. All right. But I'm just saying in general, they just show you all this fucking horrific shit going on. You know, I guess, you know, something I'm at that age. I like to feel good good stories like i'd like the news to end with those people cheering you on during the marathon yeah i like

feel good stories i feel like you know what song i listened to the other day that really cheered me up because i was like i got i got bummed thinking you know like new york everyone cheers at seven o'clock and they and when they when they shift change at the hospitals. And everyone cheers. It's such a cool thing. And I was like, that's so New York, though. New York's so fucking resilient. Like, it's 9-11 and everyone comes together.

And I remember those fucking Yankee games where Scott Bashas hit a fucking home run. Like, I remember those Yankee games. God, brocious. Brocious. God damn it. Bash fascist but i remember those i remember those games and i was like new york's so resilient and then the other day i'm driving back i'm driving back from uh what you would call it we are we you know we have the other house we let the dogs run that and i'm driving back and i played randy newman i love la oh i almost cried I almost cried. I was like... Randy Newman's

the shit. The shit. Have you ever seen the live recording he does of Short People? No. Just how talented he is, and he's joking around. He's got that voice. Dude, he's just like... That guy is a...

He's a legend, man. I would love to see him. Does he play live? He's still alive. He does. I know he's alive. Does he play out live is what I'm saying. I think a lot of his shows have been canceled for the new year. Even Randy Newman?

Fuck, this is a goddamn tragedy. Hey, Andrew, do we got to do a read here or what? We're coming up on an hour, aren't we? Yeah, go for it. right there you go there's there's there's the good looking guy over the podcast right there you've been looking at us ugly bastards for the rest of it all right what am i you want me to read this part uh yeah what's uh no it's bad i think it's better i'll read it and you just interrupt me i think that's about better. I'll react. Go ahead. Okay. There are things we look back on and think,

how did I get that so wrong? Do you have any idea? Anything ever happen like that to you, Bill? Oh, I know that feeling. The time I tried to say hello to Gary Shandling when the music was too loud and he was behind 40 tables and clearly didn't want to be talked to. Boy, if I could have that moment back. Or like the time I tried to interview Adam Sandler, and I kept going,

hey, Adam, do you want to hear a cool story? I love your movie, Precious Gems. You said Precious Gems? Yeah. Bill, I called it Precious Gems and Happy Madison. Oh, no! It was so bad! Instead of Happy Madison, you said Happy Madison. It was beautiful, man. Everybody was so excited. Wait, what did you say instead of happy madison it was it was beautiful man everybody was so excited what did you say instead of happy madison i said instead of happy gilmore i said i'd love i want to show the dog

my girls your movie happy madison and he went oh okay and then he goes and then i go we're gonna watch your new movie precious gems he was like oh great great great and then i said hey do you have netflix and he was like uh yeah i got netflix oh god well i said happy madison because his production company's called happy madison but it's happy gilmore and billy madison yeah i just realized that i would have done the same thing there's a reason why you and i should just be talking to each other just limit the damage the good point see guys there's always a reason things are going to go wrong that's just life but there's also things we can get right on the first try like shopping for life insurance that's where policy genius comes in uh we I have life insurance do you have life insurance you have life insurance right bill i absolutely i have i have enough

flex i don't that's my wife you're skipping it you're skipping out say it again you have what i said yes i have i have so much life insurance i only cook my own meals i don't trust my wife to cook for me unless she sits across from me, eats, I ask for a drink, and then I switch plates like a bad whodunit movie. That is perfect. Policy Genius makes finding the right life insurance a breeze. In minutes, you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find your best price. You can save $1,500

or more a year by using Policy Genius to compare life insurance policies. Once you apply, the Policy Genius team will handle all the paperwork and red tape for free. And Policy Genius doesn't just make life insurance easy. They also can help you find the right home and auto or disability insurance. Do you have disability insurance? They can do that too? They can do all of that. I have all of that stuff. I fly, you know, for a living and I, you know, I just, I just got to have it, you know, and a lot of guys don't want to do it because you got to confront your own mortality. It's the best feeling. It's the best feeling to step on a plane that could crash and know that everybody's going to be okay. It is. But they're not even going to miss you.

My point is you're going to get a lot of things wrong in life, like interviewing Adam Sandler or meeting Gary Shandling. Let's not make that same mistake with life insurance. You'll never get distressed about life insurance ever again with Policy Genius. In just a few minutes, you can find your best price and apply at policygenius.com. We get all the things in life wrong from time to time. genius in just a few minutes you can find your best price and apply at policygenius.com we get all the things in life wrong from time to time at least we can get life insurance right with policy genius that was uplifting that was an uplifting message in the end i liked it you got to do it

man you can't bring people into the world and they're of a certain age and they're not making any money you know you can't do that i had a life has to be like uh florida evans slamming that jello dish down on the floor damn damn damn i had a buddy uh who i used to work with he used to be a producer on my show i won't say his name but he used to be a producer on my show and we were on the road we were in uh vietnam and we were talking about life insurance and i said said, yeah, you know, I had a really interesting conversation with my life insurance agent. They do the whole, the test, and then you do a phone interview. And we got on the phone thing and the guy said,

do you drink? I said, seldomly. He goes, do you skydive or do you do anything dangerous? I said, no. And I think we do the whole interview, right? Have you ever used drugs? Never used drugs, I said, no. And we do the whole interview, right? Have you ever used drugs? Never used drugs. Work out every day. Great shape.

And we get done. And he goes, OK, Mr. Kreischer, the recording is now over. And I went, awesome. And he goes, the machine. And I went, what? And he goes, that was the funnest interview I've ever done on the phone, man. I know who the fuck you are. And he just hung up. Oh, no way.

He knew you were lying your ass off. But hey, wait, don't you go there when I, don't you go there. I didn't mean it like that. When you fucking, when I got my life insurance and all of that, they took, they needed, it was funny because they had my head shaved. They took up from my beard and they fucking yeah and then they see if what drugs you're doing if you're fucking drinking or smoking so i said to the guy i said listen man i don't fucking do drugs or anything like that and

i i but i do smoke cigars and i go you know i have a few whatever i and he says how many do you have i'm not gonna you know i gotta fucking lie to you I smoke a lot he goes well we can put you down as a occasional smoker and dude what that did to my fucking life insurance made me cut back I'm like wow man if it goes up this high you must fucking even cigars you must fucking die from this shit huh so I told my buddy Paul I go we're telling I'm telling that story and he goes they really check into this shit and I go Paul man they like, I'm telling that story. And he goes, they really check into this shit. And I go, Paul, man, they don't drink the night before. Cause if they take your blood and they find high levels of alcohol,

then I go, don't take Xanax, man. Don't smoke weed. Like, and by the way, he dips, I go, don't dip for like a full week. And he goes, okay. He goes, I'm scheduling it. No dude, you gotta go like, you gotta go longer than that. Right. Well, I told him, I said, you got it. You can, cause they'll find it in your system. He's like, okay. he was scheduling it no dude you gotta go like you gotta go longer than that right well i told him i said you got it you can because they'll find it in your system he's like okay so a week later we're back from this this trip and i get a call at like at like seven in the morning this time right it's out it's like eight it's like nine in colorado and i go i by the way i've already

said his name twice so he calls up and he's like, oh my God. I go, what's up? And he goes, oh, well, I walked into work today and the life insurance person was waiting in my office. And I went, what? I go, you had your exam today? And he goes, I totally forgot about it. And I go, whoa. And he goes, yeah, I go, well, wait, how have you dipped? And he goes, let me tell you something. He goes, we were out last night and I go whoa and he goes yeah I go well wait how have you dipped and he goes let me tell you something because we were out last night and I don't normally do cocaine but I'm like you were partying with drugs he goes I rolled in so hungover so fucking he was I took a Xanax this morning just to get into work and then I had to put a dip in just to level my he goes i walked into the exam with a dip in going uh today's a bad day oh so he he said it's a bad day and they were cool with that no they weren't they canceled

the appointment and they said in canceling the appointment this is going to raise your rate and so he just was like fuck it i'll get life insurance at another time yeah that's what you do you just just be a be a friggin i was say altar boy, but what happens to them lately, that's not a good thing, right? Yeah. Be a boy scout. Can't say boy scout either. Did you see a thing? Have you seen that lawyer commercial out here where it's just like if you were abused in the Boy Scouts, the Boy Scouts just filed for bankruptcy, but they still have over a billion dollars in assets.

So they're filing for bankruptcy to protect their assets that they have and then I'll like all these people are suing for shit happened to him really yeah it's just fucking horrible all of that all of that shit that when I was a kid, you know, that your parents, you know, be an altar boy, be a Cub Scout, you know, be doing this shit, you know, the Pinewood Derby and all that fucking shit, whatever the fuck it was called. Like, thank God I didn't get into scouting because my, uh, one of my, my older brother got into it and he wore the uniform down to the bus stop one day and he never did that again came down with his little you know little badges on him and I thought the shirt was

the shit and then I saw him the level that he was getting trashed you know and then I'm showing up I'm already getting trashed with my orange hair it It's like, I don't need to be adding a blue shirt with a bobcat on it. I don't need to be doing that. I'm catching enough shit here. I don't need to do this. I don't need to add to the beatdown. So I didn't do it. What a weird outfit.

What a weird what? What a weird outfit. And what a shift to go from like loving something like the boy scouts must be fun and your brother's so excited and he's like yeah got a boy scout meeting i'm gonna wear this shirt everyone's gonna be like oh cool you're in the boy scouts and then you get down there and the kids just two grades above him are like oh you didn't know that shit's out of style? No, what it was, it was the early 70s. So it was still long hair, fuck authority, like that type of shit.

Like if my brother did it 10 years earlier, early 60 time of like, you know, everybody thought that they were a rebel and, you know, everybody acted like they went to Woodstock when they didn't. It was really like that sort of time that was happening. You know, Vietnam War was still going on. I'm an old fuck, dude. Like, so. Does your family laugh together?

What do you mean? Laugh? Yes. We tell jokes and if it's funny everybody laughs no but is it like like my family when did this go oprah i'm not doing this it's your life about my family no no no we're dinner's a big thing did you eat together i always wish i grew up in a big family all the different personalities i just wonder if your brother something like that happens to your brother and there's humor about it because you find humor in it or if it's one of those things where you're like like you'd say it to your brother he's like yeah it was rough bill i don't i don't know what the fuck you're talking about oh no if i brought that up to him now no he would laugh about it absolutely absolutely i mean back

then it wasn't funny it was just like i mean what you wanted to have back then was you wanted a jean jacket long hair and an apollo three speed the schwinn apollo three speed bike wow which had the banana c the little fat tire in the back and what was hilarious it had this little gear like a like a hearse shifter between your fucking legs it was really ridiculous the hand brakes up there i want me and my brother we wanted that bike so fucking bad oh wow oh wow it looked like a motorcycle like a chopper right yeah it looks like a chopper how heavy does that frame look like you could get any air and the the front tire was smaller than the back tire right yeah that's a those things are like you know you can get like six seven eight hundred bucks for those things wow it's called a muscle

bike yeah so there was the apollo three speed there was there was a number of those those were like the cool bikes before like uh 70s when the Redline, the BMX bikes came in. Yeah. Mongoose, Redline, all of them. Mongoose was the big bike when I was a kid. Diamondback. I had a Diamondback.

I knew all the cool shit and had none of it. My parents, you're not getting that. I had a big Pee Wee Herman fucking beach rambler with white wall tires. It was a great bike to do a paper route on. And it was also a great bike to have if you wanted to be socially in the middle of the pack and not noticeable in your school. Oh, man. My dad did the coolest thing. I had a bike.

I had a Schwinn. I forget what kind of bike it was. It was a Schw it was a Schwinn. It was like a kind of a nondescript bike. And I remember my mom was having a yard sale that day. My dad wasn't interested in the yard sale. And he said, why don't we, why don't we upgrade your bike? And I was like, well, my bike's fine. He was like, no, we'll go and we'll get new stuff for it like we'll take the and i think my bike was stock but like nerd stock right like it was a good bike but it was nerd stock and my dad went down and he got new tires like like the like the kind of knobby cool many knobs of the tires got a new handlebar and new new new uh new wrist things and it was like a cool handlebar and then like just and and different uh uh guards to put on the seat on the on the middle pole yeah it just stripped it down and immediately it was like i never thought my dad was like cool like he didn't have any cool vibes about him but he made this bike so fucking cool that i remember taking it out and everyone was like dude you get a new

bike and i was like nah i just upgraded it they're like, I was like immediately a badass bike. And you know what's funny? As far as eBay goes, if you had kept it the other way, all original nerd, it's actually worth more money. Cause I still have the bike that I, I, I had on my paper route that I bought. I bought a 12 speed bike. I mean, it's I had on my paper route that I bought I bought a 12-speed bike I mean it's still fits I mean you just adjust it you know so but um I remember I had it on the kickstand and it tipped over and I tore the leather on the seat so I got a new seat the one that's that's better for your prostate because now I'm old fucking hilarious and pedals and the second Dean Dalray saw it he goes oh killer old bike he goes too bad you didn't keep it all original.

I'm like, what? He goes, did you keep the seat? The seat's a big thing, man. I was just like, I was like, I'm not going to sell it anyways. Oh no, that's it. I actually tried to sell it because I was getting rid of some stuff. I'm like, it's time to let this thing go. And then I went over his house and I saw it again. I was just like let me get that back because that represents my first job and it also represents like my work ethic that I got and how I never had I never had to bum money off my parents I always had fucking money oh dude I was making like anywhere from eight to twenty bucks a week when I was like in like third fourth fifth grade I mean that was fucking amazing really yeah like right through like I always fourth, fifth grade. I mean, that was fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. Like right through, like I always had fucking money. I mean, I would blow it all on football cards and, you know, but I had like, you know, I had like $60 in the bank.

It was a, it was a big fucking deal. It was always like the rich kids whose parents gave them money and they had a couple hundred bucks, but I actually had a little bit of money in the bank. And I don't know. I was like right i'm gonna fucking i gotta get that bike back there's no there was no better feeling than commiserating with a sibling when you went to a rich kid's house and you saw the shit they had and you'd be like they have a pac-man machine and your sister's like mom and dad would never let us have a pack machine dude i used to think people if they had blue christmas lights it meant they were rich really i don't know why i think now it means they were jewish right jewish people put the blue lights up i had no idea i just thought it looked cool

no i i really think like people's idea of wealth has totally changed with social media and like the Kardashians were huge to introduce and, and sex in the city. Wow. What's his face? Duff McKagan was talking about that one time. He was the one he was talking, he was on my podcast. I think we went on a podcast. He was talking about the same, the thing that, that switched it. He goes, it was sex in the city. And they, they, they made all of those brands. When I was growing up, I didn't know what Louis Vuitton was

or any of that shit. I knew that Saks Fifth Avenue was a big store. That was the expensive store in Boston. But I didn't understand that Fifth Avenue meant Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. And this is where all of these stores were. If you wanted I think, I mean, I don't know

too much about a lot of shit I talk about. But if you wanted a Louis Vu think i mean i don't know too much about like a lot of shit i talk about but like if you wanted a louis vuitton bag you had to go either to london paris new york city there was a only a probably la rodeo drive always had it but like it wasn't everywhere and one time i was doing a tour and i was in like um mobile alabama great fucking city by the way oh yeah um and I went to the mall and they had a Louis Vuitton store and I just remember thinking like oh man that is like that's crazy how Louis Vuitton has become like the gap like that's that's like a mall store that it's a fucking ridiculous like I I'd never seen a Louis vuitton bag until like the 2000s you don't or even heard of it you

know what i mean i never i never saw one uh my grandmother had louis vuitton bags my grandmother lived in new york was a banker in new york city lived in levittown but was a banker and would come down and she was just she had fur coats and a louis vuitton bag and i remember being like yeah she was a pimp nails done to this day there's a song bill what you know bill withers is he just passed away yeah no he was one of my favorites yeah and he said he sang this great song grandma's hands and and it was hands you ever listen live at carnegie hall no oh my God. He has, he has like five or six albums. Those first three or four albums when it's just him, James Gadsden, one of my favorite, most underrated fucking drummers of all time. He's fucking unbelievable drummer. James Gadsden, I forget the bass player and the guitar

player. When he just had that little quartet, I would put them up against any band in the world. And there's a couple things of him over in Europe playing live, playing like Use Me or Kissing My Love. He just was like, what I loved about him was he was like a man, like a man, like a guy, like he did. He had that John Wayne, like swagger. Like I, I almost feel like he wasn't even singing. He just opened his mouth and was talking to you, but just came out as like music and, uh, just the subject matter is timeless in the groove of his music. What's that one? Um. What's that one?

What's that one? About the guy walking by that, who is he and what is he to you? Oh, dude, it's about this dude walking down the street with this chick and this other guy comes the other way and he catches them both the way the dude looks at him or something and he just reads into that and he's like who's that who is that and what what is who is he and what what is he to you like he knows she's fucking around just by that look i don't know no that well i mean it's probably one of the uh i don't know it's everybody everybody talks about lean on me like dude his other shit is what it's way better than the radio hits yeah ain't no

sunshine when you're gone uh those are all the radio hits you got to get into you got to get what uh what's the one i just i just played the other day that i thought is the perfect i i went through and bought all his he got a lifetime achievement award from the grammys like two years ago i'm sitting in my i'm sitting on my recliner and i'm having a glass of wine and they play all his stuff and i'm like i'm i'm like losing my mind going, shut the fuck up. Lovely day. Lovely day. Lovely day.

That's the one. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, dude. Lovely day. Lovely day. Lovely day. No, he's unbelievable. Here's my favorite, most underrated one that I don't know why wasn't a bigger hit. And just listen to these.

Who is he? Who is he? And what's he to you? Yeah, who is he? Play that. And what is he? Who is he? And what's he to you? Yeah, who is he? Play that. And what is he? And what is he? A man we passed just tried to stare me down.

tried to stare me down And when I looked at you You looked at the ground Ooh I don't know who he is But I think that you do That coming down Who is he and what is he than you do. Step down and

who is he and what is he to you? Oh, wow. Come on, dude. That's just... I had something in my heart. Dude, that's... Let me tell you something. If that's not every time I ever got cheated

on and I knew it before she told me, that is me me going, well, I saw it. You gave him a weird look at the bar. It's like, you're crazy. And then I went, Ooh, we've all been there. Hey, here's one. Here's one. This is mine. Listen, this is James Gadsden. I can't, how do I, what did you just do so you could hear it? I just played it on. I played it on your phone? I'm going to play...

Andrew, if I play it on the computer, you'll be able to hear it? Yeah, I should be able to. Okay, I'm stupid. I don't know. Here we go. Listen to this shit. Oh, no.

I hit play. Yeah, I can hear it. Turn it up. Yeah, turn it up. As loud as I can go. There you go. Wait, I got to go back. I'm going to go from the beginning.

It's kicking in now. We can't hear it now. Oh, you can't hear it? God damn it. Can I ask you a question? Why the fuck does my shit never work? It just never fucking... No matter what the fuck I do,

how much of this Apple fucking horse shit I buy, it just never fucking works. It never fucking works. Wait a minute. Fuck you guys. I'm fucking taking out my fucking iPhone with the goddamn cracked screen that you can't even fucking see.

It went blue. I know, I know. fucking taken out my fucking iphone with the goddamn crack screen that you can't even see it it went blue i know i know why would i think that that would work by the way as it was cutting in and out i thought who's gonna tell him and i can't wait to see his response sorry whatever it's just it's that's my life in a microcosm right there all right where is it where is it where is it all right off off the uh still bill album all right here we go can you hear it now yeah yeah no it's cut all right go fuck yourselves

just go fucking listen to it all right you have an Apple phone I have an Apple phone we're both on

Zoom we're both fucking on Apple laptop computers yours works crystal clear like I'm standing in a waterfall

in the fucking rainforest. I go to use mine. Your background right now with you angry, I feel like we're stuck in a boat together and we're lost. That's hilarious. This was your idea, Chrysler. Shark's got a black eye when it rolls in the back of its head oh anyways james gadson james gadson is he i can get him on uh youtube or on instagram

james gadson lives right here in la and i actually i read such a uh heartbreaking story where he had a he had a snare drum that Miles Davis's son had. Are you guys still there? Now you seem like you're close. I'm listening. So he had a snare drum and these drum mics that you can't get anymore. And somebody went into his house and fucking stole them. And just listening to him talk about it in print almost made me cry

as far as like how heartbroken he was because when you play the way that guy plays like that is not a job dude that that's coming from your soul the way that that guy plays he's unbelievable so to take those things from him you're literally taking a piece of him, man. What was the name of the song you were trying to play from James Gadsden? I'll fill with it. Kissing My Love. James Gadsden's got his own albums, huh?

He's played with a lot of people and he's a super, super humble guy. And he is on the down low, one of the greatest drummers easily that has ever existed. Could you have been a studio musician or would you have needed to be a Bon Scott? All right. What are we talking about? If we're talking my talent level, I could barely be in a wedding. No, no, no no no no pretend pretend for pretend you go in and they give you the injections for the stem cell on your shoulder and you get back and you find out that

those stem cells in fact were taken from the old body of bon scott and now you can drum for whatever reason like they got them from dna from him and now you're amazing drummers in the world and everyone's like oh my god bill you can make you can now make a hundred million dollars drumming whenever you want but the would you like to be a studio musician or do you want to be on stage like tommy lee like no i'd go studio because i'd want to hang with my kid yeah oh yeah yeah knock, that's right, you already. Yeah, knock it, yeah, dude, I'm passing. I'm done asking to ask you. I pass.

I can do that in stand up. I don't give a fuck. I don't have to go to the goddamn airport. I'll tell you, if you wanna talk one of the best, now we're talking drums here, one of the best fucking studio drummers or live drummers in a band drummer ever is Steve Gadd. And Steve Gadd, Steve Gadd he played Paul Simon

he's played with Clapton played with everybody but there's some like he did so many fucking studio things I couldn't find the drummer and then I just I figured out because it was just his sound I'm I'm 90% sure it's a Jim Croce song called Car Wash Blues. And it's a really silly song, sort of pop song. But if you listen to what Steve, I'm 99% sure it's Steve Gadd underneath. I was just talking to somebody about that the other day. Like, what the fuck this guy puts underneath that and what he adds to that song. Like, every time I listen to that song,

I get the chills and the hair on my, my arm starts standing up. Dude, Jim Crow. You forget you, you know, it's like, sometimes you look on your phone and you're like, God, I got no good music on here. Then you go, Jim Croce, that motherfucker had so many great hits. Do you have Car Wash Blues? I'm looking for it. Working at the Car Wash?

No, isn't that Working at the Car Wash? That's not him. I don't know who that is. Jim Croce. Working at the Car Wash Blues, there you go. Oh, did you hear that? I might go I might I'm getting back on the treadmill I might have to listen to Jim Crotey can you do me a favor? Can you just listen to Steve? I'm 99% sure that Steve Gadd listened to his drums. The shit that he, how he is elevating that.

Yeah. It's like, I don't know. I lack the musical talent to be able to explain what it, it's, I don't know. He's just, he's a fucking genius. He's a genius. There was a, there was in college that was a really great drummer. And we were in a car driving from fucking West Virginia to Tallahassee. And we were all doing drugs.

And we were listening to Tool at the time. And he was in the back with me. And he said, oh, put it on like number five. I want to say it was like undertow. But it was a great drum solo and he said what's beautiful about this drum solo is that and he was trying to break it down to me he goes you got to listen because the way I hear it it's so complex because he slows his drums down to a beat that now he's dictating where the band goes. that now he's dictating where the band goes.

Rum, dum, dum, dum. And he's like, and then as he speeds up, the band goes with, he goes, and he just, I wish I could remember the exact song, but it was like the most, like I didn't know anything about drums, but all of a sudden every time I hear that song, I tear at what I remember from him telling me, this is what's great about this song. I saw saw the best times I ever saw that because the band has to be ridiculously tight to do that I saw uh I saw

Meshuggah and Danny Carey was there and I remember Meshuggah as a band they did something that I was like what the fuck was that and I look over I saw Danny Carey just was standing there like nine feet tall just goes fuck I was just like oh my god they made Danny Carey just was standing there like nine feet tall, just goes, fuck. I was just like, oh, my God, they made Danny Carey freak out. It was fucking awesome. And there was like a bunch of drummers there. It was at the Wiltern. And they were playing this song called, what the fuck is it called? What's it called when you have a brain bleed?

What do you call that? A fucking. Aneurysm. I think it's just called bleed. I think it's just called bleed. I think it's fucking um aneurysm i think it's just called bleed i think it's just called bleed i think it's about an aneurysm and dude that fucking song i i don't know i've talked about it enough on my podcast but basically what the drummer's playing he's it's like a three against four top, he's playing just a simple one and two and three and four. And then with his feet, he's going like. And the band is locked in with his feet.

The crowd's all rocking out to what he's playing up top. And then the band's going. And he leads with left and right foot it's fucking insane it's called bleed and then the singer is just singing like in four I was looking at that whole band like what happens if somebody fucks up how do you jump back in you got for the mic

Yeah. So anyway, so I feel like on top, he made it simple enough so I could understand. You know, but then underneath was like all of this other shit that was going on. There's some really phenomenal, phenomenal fucking bands have you do you know fred armisen a little bit i met him a couple of times yeah did you see his special stand-up comedy for drummers did i see yeah i did see that i did see that yeah it

was really an interesting yeah special but it was just meant for drummers right yeah that guy man i remember one time i came up with what i thought was the most obscure idea ever was i have oh my god i can actually show it to you here if you can see it oh do i need to get rid of my background here to show us something probably yeah i do let me see here let me just get back to the regular old background let's it's some it's a picture of a blue thing then we'd get it all right here we go here's my little shitty fucking area here look what i got here most people have stacks of porn can you see that yeah these are all fucking drum videos there's james brown that's bill hicks dave weckl uh we got denn Chambers, Mike Clark, Dave Garibaldi, Chad Smith,

Dave Garibaldi, Omar Hakeem, Carter Beauford. Double bass instructional with Joe Franco, Rod Morgenstein, Terry Bozio. Oh, and this one right here. That's the man right there. Steve Gadd up close. Modern drummer festivals. Dude, I have an entire VHS. I got DVDs underneath.

Go fuck yourself. So I have all of these fucking things from, you know, just back in the day when I was trying when I was trying to learn, okay, choose it, choose it. I did it. How do I get out of this? Can I get out of here? There we go. I had all of that shit from just like back in the day. Like I used to watch all of those fucking things over and over and over again. I don't know what my fucking point was. We were talking about Fred Armisen. You had the weird- Oh, Fred Armisen. So I was watching those videos. And after you watched enough of them, it was just like stand-up specials.

They became like a way to do them. So it kind of became cliched and something to make fun of. So I was talking to a comic. I forget. I was on the road in the middle of nowhere. I go, dude, I have the weirdest fucking idea. I don't know if I'm going to do it. But I just, I don't think it's going to make any money.

And I go, I want to think it's going to make any money. And I go, I want to do a parody of a drum video, an instructional drum video. And as I'm saying it to him, he's kind of smiling. I was like, Oh my God, somebody gets it. Maybe he plays drums.

And he goes, Fred Armisen already did that. And I go, what? Somebody already did a parody of a drum instructional video that you can get in a music store he says yes and then the kid was cool he ended up sending me i think i have it in there somewhere and he did he and he fucking nailed it they all somebody who were done in like the 90s when everyone was wearing like paisley yeah and there's always pays this paisley stuff and they're

always playing this smooth jazz shit that was super intricate but had like no balls whatsoever and then the song would end and they would all look at each other and laugh like something happened and you always missed it and he he did all of that shit i was just like god damn it but i'm glad he did it because i i back then i always talked like i was gonna do do shit. And I never, I never followed through. You and Bill Armisen, she get together, Fred Armisen, and she get together and do, uh, and play drums together. Could you play drums with another guy? Yeah, I've done that before. I mean, I wouldn't want, I wouldn't want people to see it. I'd hang with them and just jam and fuck around. I would do that, but I would never do that and actually make people listen to it

fred ormiston i met him one time and he was so sweet like meaning like so genuine like i said hi and he was like hey like really stopped and like focused in hey how you doing what's your name and i said bert and he said oh it's very nice to meet you bert i'm fred would you like to sit down and it was at aspen no one's like sitting with each other and I was like oh thanks then Nick Nick Swartzen came in Nick has always been uncomfortable around anyone man I wish I could have like Nick never had the Gary Shandling or the Adam Sandler moment he always was just cool you know what I mean because he is cool Nick's one of the coolest people ever just one of the the funnest, funniest, just coolest fucking people ever.

You know what's funny? I loved that guy before I even met him. I saw him on that, when they did the reboot of Make Me Laugh. And I was just, he was just going for it. Like just went out there and just totally committed. And he was a kid.

I mean, he couldn't have been like 20, 21 years old. And he was one of those guys doing that exciting time at the Boston Comedy Club and Barry Katz had all the guys and I remember when he came to town it was like you know every like two three years a no-brainer came to town you're like this guy's gonna make it this guy's gonna do shit yeah one of those guys. I would love to know Nick's Gary Shandling moment. I mean, he's got to have one.

Gary Shandling thing? Like, no, Gary Shandling moment where he just screwed the pooch. Oh, on stuff like that? I don't know. You know, I never really talked to him about stuff like that.

Let me see if I have his number. You're just going to call him up like that let me see if i have his number you're just gonna call him up like that yeah right that feels weird to me hey nick you're live on a podcast can you at least give my heads up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i wonder if he'll answer i did answer hey nich Hey, Nicholas, it's Bert and Bill Burr, and we're doing a podcast. Hi, guys. You're on the podcast. Can you hear him, Bill? Yeah. What's up, Nicholas?

Hi, Bert. How are you guys? Doing good, man. How are you holding up? I'm doing good, man. I'm in Minnesota. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's nice here.

Hey, listen, we were talking about really awkward moments we've had with celebrities. Bill talked about his meeting Gary Shandling for the first time, and I had a really awkward interaction with Sandler the other day on some live stream. And we were saying, have you ever had one? Because both of us think you haven't. Have I had like an awkward interaction like one where you cringe and you go god that was fucking bad i wish i'd never done that i mean i haven't per se if i found myself in situations i would always just be fucking quiet really see that that's the difference he knew to shut up and we talked

what did you do to sandler oh bro i'll send you the clip it's so bad i missed i called all his movies by the wrong name i said oh we loved happy madison me and the girls are gonna watch precious gems we can't watch you wait to watch precious gems i was like you have netflix hey adam you want to hear a cool story it was so bad nick it was so like i love 50 first raids hey nick it was so bad i had to shut it off the look of excitement and knowing when he just said hey adam you got time i got a quick story you got time for a quick story the look of excitement and knowing when he just said, hey, Adam, I got a quick story. You got time for a quick story?

The look of hope on his face, the way his head was sideways on the camera. I had to shut it off. Oh, no. I've got to see that. Oh, I'll text it to you. I chopped it up into a video. You'll get a kick out of it. Well, that actually goes with what me and Bill were talking about the other day.

I watched this documentary on John Lennon and Yoko Ono, and you want to talk about just a kind of celebrity disaster when, Bill has already talked about this, but when John Lennon was performing with Chuck Berry and Yoko Ono was on stage, and she just starts doing this, in the middle of Chuck Berry singing and that to me is one of the most uncomfortable

if anybody has not seen it you can YouTube John Lennon Chuck Berry and Yoko Ono did you hear Bill's breakdown on it? yeah it was amazing it was so amazing that to me was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen

and I texted Bill I go next time you're at the store, I'm going to take a microphone in the back and do a just pull a Yoko in the middle of his set. Whatever Bill's talking about, I just wanted to hear like, You have to be on stage because she was on stage and everyone could see her. They had a little microphone for a bongos and the sound guy should have had the shit turned all the way down. And she just didn't think she was loud enough or whatever. And she just grabs this thing in the middle of it. And Chuck Berry just goes like, makes his face like, yeah, that ain't my woman. Even the bongos. That's the woman in line, Johnny. But the bongos. Get the woman in line, Johnny. Yeah.

But the bongos weren't even a contribution. I don't even know what that haunted house acid cackle would add to anything. Even anybody in a haunted house would be like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, it was a, it was just a, it's actually brilliant. The confidence to do that in front of Chuck Berry. You're banging a beetle. I'm going to do this in front of Chuck Berry. And then just stand there like what I just did has artistic validity.

And I will stare everybody down in the room. She should have been a poker player. You could have handed her nothing and she would have won the fucking pot. You couldn't really figure out what reaction meant what. She could have pocket aces and you'd have no idea.

She could either be cackling or she would start vomiting out of her eyes. Who knows what she would do. I will say, though, she had one of the best names for a band. The Plastic Ono Band. I always loved that name. I thought that was a killer name.

Yeah, that's not bad. That's her one redemption, I guess. Yeah. I feel bad for the people in the band. They probably would have taken bets. At what point are we going to finally get the crowd to listen and she's going to start that fucking cackling again? Are we going to finally get the crowd to listen and she's going to start that fucking cackling again?

At what point are they like, should we even play anything? Like, we can play whatever we want. I'll just play a potato. I mean, you can really just master any instrument. Yeah, it's like if she's going to do that, then I'll bet her off. Yeah, I'll just sit here and strum my pubic hair. Who fucking cares? How long are you in Minnesota for?

I have no idea. What are you guys doing with your road dates? Because I push everything to the fall, but I don't even know if that's going to stick. I don't even know what to do. I don't know. I'm leaving everything as is because everything's shifting day by day. So I got dates in June. I got dates in July and August.

And then I have a tour in fall. So I'm just going to kind of play it by ear. Bill's got the Larry the Cable Guy schedule where he does like 30 shows a year. So he can just push it all to 2021. First of all, Bill is here. And I don't know what you're talking about i was saying is he talking bill maher who's he who the fuck is he talking about my road schedule what are you doing what are you doing in the fall bill i i have dates and i'm confident that they're going to get in front of this thing and come up

with testing or a vaccine because rich people don't want to fucking mow their own lawns they need us to get back out there and send them their shit they need kids to sew together their their clothes i mean so do i you know so everybody's got a fucking we're gonna get out of this it's gonna be fine and i think nick's doing it right he's up there in minnesota there's not even corona in fucking Minnesota. It's too cold up there. Yeah. Truth. Yeah.

Nobody catches the flu in a cold state. Yeah, and I think we're actually kind of okay with delaying sports seasons. Anybody's rushing back for another Minnesota miracle into a Molotov cocktail anytime soon. Well, I can tell you Patriot fans are not in a rush to see Tom Brady in Tampa. I can tell you that. What did you think of his announcing on Tom Brady and all those? Did you see the licensing he got for that? I just saw it today.

What is it? He copyrighted Tom Brady. That's terrible. That's not a good idea. That sounds like the first thing you throw out. But I hope he makes his money. This is the thing about Tom. He always took pay cuts to get better players.

I think he finally wanted to get paid. I don't fucking know. Who knows? He was with us for 20 fucking years. We won six Super Bowls. You know, I'm happy, but I am definitely, it's going to be hard to see him in that uniform. But I've been a Pats fan since we had Jim Plunkett and Steve Grogan.

So I'm staying. But what I like about it now is we're going to see who the real fucking fans are. All these fucking people that have been filling up the stadium. You're still going to go. I hope so. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Dane Cook. Oh, I don't question them. I question all of those fucking people like the, the, uh, I don't know. I do used to be able to just walk up and buy a fucking ticket.

But we'll see. Bill Belichick's still there. Bob Kraft's still there. I have confidence. We'll have a good season. I love talking about it like it's going to happen. Positive. I mean, you have to be.

That's the only real way to do it. I mean. NFL money could have cured AIDS. It's interesting, though. What's that? NFL money. I mean, there's too much money to be lost. If there was this much money to be lost during the AIDS epidemic, they would have fixed it. They would have cured AIDS. What's that? NFL money. I mean, there's too much money to be lost. If there was this much money to be lost during the AIDS epidemic,

they would have fixed it. They would have cured it. I think the NFL caused this fucking virus. Should have brought that up to Sandler. By the way, I was just shy of that, Nick. It's so fucking bad. I can't wait to see that. The NFL had something to do with this virus because they profited the most

because NBA had to shut down. NHL had to shut down. They shut down the XFL. Baseball's delayed. They let the NFL get their Super Bowl in, right? Then they waited a month so it looked good before they shut everybody down. That's my theory.

Yeah, they did get a Super Bowl in. They did. They made all of their fucking money, and then they're projecting, when are we going to come out of this? Right when football starts again. Not bad. Do you think they'll play to empty arenas? Yes.

I hope this helps me get tickets to the new stadium, the SoFi Stadium for the Rams. I think they will, and I would definitely, I would watch it. And what I would love was great is they won't be playing that stupid fucking music every five seconds when you're watching an NBA game. Like the worst game I ever went to was the Brooklyn Nets. It was like there was a guy DJing the entire time they were playing.

And then every five seconds, Brooklyn! Where Brooklyn at? Brooklyn, we go hard! Where we at? Brooklyn! It's like, we get it! We get it! We're in Brooklyn! I understand. This is Brooklyn. Let's stand up!

Brooklyn! Is Brooklyn in the house? my god shut up my god i need i need literally need a fucking earplugs what were you gonna say nick no i went to a minnesota timberwolves game and they tried to uh we were losing the new orleans pelicans were on a 30 game losing streak or something insane i can't remember what it was and uh we were losing to them and uh they tried to hype up the minnesota crowd they were like all right you know make some noise and minnesota is so polite and even they were like no boo and they just kept sitting they just didn't want to be a part of it they tried to hype up Minnesota, and they were just like, no, we don't want to do that.

That's it. We're losing bad. We're about to snap a bad team, the worst team in the league. Losing streak. No, we're good. We're good. Nice. How are your families doing?

How's your family, Bert? We're good, man. We're fine. I haven't drank in 21 days nick wow i'm at seven months what yeah are you serious yeah i'll be seven months in uh next week another great one retires holy shit yeah i almost I know. I heard about something in Denver or something, right? Yeah, I drank for like four months straight, like super hard, like beyond hard. I was just like, fuck it.

And then I went to Denver, and then the altitude and everything kicked in. I was in the hospital for three weeks. Really? It sucks. Yeah, so I had to take a pretty long time out. I don't know how long, but probably a while a while yeah i was like holding down the fort i was like one of those comics it was like still going really hard and then uh i was like yeah i'll just i think i keep doing this i'm like 43 years old like the fuck am i doing i'm just chugging fucking shots and it was just insane so you're seven months nice do you feel you feel good

are you losing weight no i'm huge uh no yeah i'm yeah no i feel way better i feel awesome i always liked i mean i would go like hard for four or five months then i would try out for like four or five months so i was like really extreme so i always liked when i would dry out and take a break it was always kind of nice yeah that's how i feel right now i don't really mind you know it's like it's fine not having and i was having like every crazy thing it was like bad i mean i had shakes and i had all that shit it was brutal it just became like drinking to fucking survive i would wake up and i would wake up and have two cocktails and a shot before I did anything. God, that kind of sounds romantic.

I was going to say, as fucked up as I am, that sounds awesome. There's something about seeing a full-on alcoholics-like day. I talked to this guy. I had an acting gig one time. He quit drinking. I quit drinking.

So we were talking about shit that we missed. And he you know my favorite thing to do was he go i get up around noon so already that's awesome he goes i get up around noon i'd get the morning i'd get the morning paper and i'd go straight to a bar and just just start drinking i forget what he would start his day with like a bloody Bloody Mary and just read the morning paper in like a dive bar that was all dark. And then he goes, I would just, and then I would just get absolutely hammered and around five or six, I would go home,

pass out for like a couple hours and then go out for like the last three, you know, no, it's like two, three in the morning. Then he'd go to bed and he would do it again the very next day and just eat that bar food and all of that it's like i mean that sounds awesome it was great i took the summer off i didn't have to film and that's all i did was drink every day and go to baseball games and just run around and it was awesome it was great. What was your drink of choice? I went through every alcohol.

I maxed out every alcohol. I went through a whiskey phase. It was a disaster. I went through a Jägermeister phase. Disaster. Tequila. And then I just finally thought I had solved it. I was like, oh, I'm just a vodka guy.

So I would drink a vodka soda with a wine. And I'm like, oh, this is it. I solved it I was like oh I'm just a vodka guy yeah so I would drink like a vodka soda with like a wine and I'm like oh this is it I solved it and then I'm just like oh I'll have 70 of these and that's fine and then it was just yeah I just got to a point where it was I mean I don't remember then it got to a point where like after months and months of that I would go to football games I don't remember anything I would have photos I point where like after months and months of that, I would go to football games. I don't remember anything. I would have photos. I'd be like, what? I would have to call the Vikings and be like, where are my tickets? It was just completely ridiculous.

But I mean, I was told I had fun. And from the photos, it looked like I had a blast. Oh, nice. I ended up, I think where I quit, I quit. I was a bourbon guy. Bourbon with a giant ice cube. And then I would buy these bottles of it. And then I would look at the bottle and I would just challenge myself. Can you finish that in three nights? And I would just go with a third,

a third and a third. So I didn't get as bad. I obviously didn't end up in the hospital but like I was I was a uh I drank alone and I drank at home I'd put my kid to bed and I would be in my head going all right this is the night I don't drink and I would go downstairs and I would put on me tv which is all the old shows and everyone was smoking and drinking and I was like oh man I mean I gotta have a drink Ephraim Zimbalist Jr's having a drink I gotta have a drink. Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. is having a drink, I gotta have a drink, right? Fuck this shit.

And then they were all getting hammered and I was like, you know, Lou Grant's asking Mary if she wants a belt, you know, cause she's having a tough day in the newsroom, why can't I have a drink, you know? I miss it. When you watch that stuff, it does kind of kick in. Like when I was watching the show madman i was

like god these guys are having martinis at like meetings i'm like that's awesome yeah that is ripping cigarettes they're just chain smoking non-stop i'm like i guess that's how it should be isn't it i can't i couldn't drink in the afternoon like i've never been able to drink in the afternoon i can drink in the morning if i gotta fly but not in the afternoon like the way some guys have a drink at lunch but i might my afternoons would end early meaning i'd be like okay the day's over at four oh yeah dude i'm gonna go back to drinking yeah i do those call and stick to work shows. So we'd go in, do radio, drink on radio from like 8 in the morning until 10,

and then go straight to the club, show starts at 11, and they'd be in fucking sane. God. I mean. Where were you? Where were you when I was working in a warehouse? I would have loved if there was a comic out there calling sick to work day. I would be, me and my friends friends when i worked in that warehouse we would have been so fucking psyched

and shit-faced dude they were the best they were the best shows i remember one time in tampa i got so drunk i don't remember getting off stage i don't remember leaving i lost my check i gave out segura's number on stage and i woke up in a house I'd never been in in my entire life. Right. I wake up and I have no idea where whose fucking house I'm at. And as I'm walking around, I see a picture of myself as a kid in the house. And I'm like, these people have a picture of me. I, my dad walks through the front door and they had bought a new house and I forgot about it and they had moved and I had never been there and i was like for a moment i'm like someone kidnapped me and they're a mega fan pictures from fucking first grade of me and my sister

they're like they did some extensive research holy shit it even smells like my parents i remember one time i was i got off a flight i was so shit face this guy struck up a conversation with me at baggage claim and i ended up riding home with him and i forgot my wife was coming down to pick me up so she called me up as i was pulling up to the house and she was down in LAX. She's like, where the fuck are you? I've been out here for 40 minutes. I'm like, I'm in front of her house. She's like, what the fuck do you mean you're in front of the house?

I spent an hour getting over here, right? And then she came home and I was passed out. She had to wake me up. It was, yeah, it just got to that point. I was like, wow, wow man that was really the guy just came up hey bill i'm a big fan of you coming i'm like oh yeah really and i just started talking and we just kept talking the next thing you know i'm in his fucking car riding home and i'm like all right i was like wait i know there was something I was supposed to be doing And then when I got to the house my phone rang

I was like oh that's right Meet my wife at the airport Oh Dude I blacked out one time And I came to And I woke up and I was on my couch Woke up on my couch And I'm looking around

And there was a rabbi Full rabbi watching Avatar On my couch, and I'm looking around, and there was a rabbi, full rabbi, watching Avatar on my couch. Full rabbi. And I look over at this guy, and I go, hey. And he goes, hey. And I go, what are you doing? And he goes, oh, I was just making sure you didn't die. And I go, what?

And he goes, yeah, you were walking home from the bar, and you wiped out and passed out on the lawn. And I helped you home. And then I brought you in your place. And then Avatar was on. So then I just decided to, I just watched Avatar when it was on TV. And I just, and then you woke up. And I was like, oh, all right.

Well, I'm good. He goes, OK, cool. And he left. Do you realize how lucky you are that that was actually a good person? My God. Good God. Dion Cole told me, Dion Cole said, he goes, he goes, I quit drinking.

I said, yeah. He goes, yeah. He was like, I was, I was drinking one night and I black out and I wake up and I can't find my fucking car. So I call the cops. They don't know where it is. I call the tokes or a company. They don't know where it is.

I get my friend to drive me around. We can't find it. He goes, Bert, I spent three days looking for this car. And then I was like, fuck it. Fuck it, man. I guess I lost a Mercedes. So he goes, I go to the bar. I sit down.

I order a drink. And they're like, hey, man, when are you going to drive your car home? He's like, what? And they're like, it's in the back. Oh, my God. He left his car at the bar he had been at last. They just didn't know. Yeah, those are the signs.

Yeah. I'm going to go back to drinking, though. I'm just going to see if I can do this quarantine. And then when I go on the road, I'm going to start boozing again. Yeah, I lost my car I fucking woke up drunk after a set of the improv and I woke up and I couldn't find it and I went to the improv and I wasn't there and I did the same thing I guess I just lost my car and I went on another bender and I was walking on the street and TMZ pulled over and they go hey Nick what are you doing and I go nothing I'm just straight drinking

I lost my car and they go okay and so they put it on tmz they go nick swartz and lost his car and then they put it on the show and then my neighbor called me he goes do you think you lost your car and i go yeah and he goes it's fucking down the street because i was wondering why you parked it down the block and it turns out a couple comics had driven my car home and then got me to my place and i just forgot about it and then my neighbors saw tmz and they fucking solved the mystery of my car and they did a follow-up story like nick found his car yay hey bill did you ever did you ever hear the story about nick did you ever hear this story it's one of the coolest stories you may not think it's that cool nick but nick uh got a new phone number and whoever got nick's phone number all started started getting texts from like paris hilton like

hey are you coming to the party tonight do you remember this story is this a true story nick yeah and he just started putting a plus one on everyone's party he talked to sandler he talked to all these people this guy that got nick's phone number got his old phone number so all these celebrities would text and be like hey man are you gonna come to the party night he's like yeah can you put a plus one for my friend harry david and the guy's like sure the parasol and be like yeah sure so this guy ended up going to all the hollywood parties just as like a nick's plus nick's plus one and nick was never there that's amazing. That's fucking, that dude, that's like a documentary. I would have watched that.

No, I'm surprised you didn't turn it into a script or something, Nick. I think somebody had approached me about it, about doing something. But yeah, it was really fucking weird. Yeah. That's the craziest. I almost texted that guy because I have that old number. I almost texted him to like, see if I could get him to come over to my house. I mean, sure.

I'm going to be like, hey, man. And then he gets here, and I got no payoff for it. I'm like, so you came, huh? He's like, yeah, where's the party? I'm like, it's just me and you, buddy. It turns out it's Yoko Ono. She's like, da-da-da-da-da. That's a perfect closure, Nick.

Hey, man, stay safe in uh in minnesota brother yeah i love you guys man love you too man all right nick always great to hear from you we'll see you soon hopefully all right all right you called it he's never had one of those awkward exchanges no you did that That was funny. You were the one who said it. And then you said we both said it. Oh, man. I just can't stand my own words.

What's wrong with you? Even when you nail it, you can't just accept that you did it. You tried to share credit with me. It was very generous. But it was you. You said it. This is a good podcast. I hope so.

I've been doing it for fucking two hours here there's a ass fell asleep andrew last week goes man the comments are really great on the podcast like everyone's loving the zoom and i went really so i go i'm getting on the treadmill and i'm looking and i go good amount of views i go to check the comments i was like i wouldn't mind a little positivity. And they're like, this podcast is awesome, man. Burt finally shut the fuck up. And I'm like, God. No, you can't do it. Because I looked up to see how people was liking it. And somebody said, Bill Burr acts like a spoiled 13-year-old girl.

And somebody wrote, I agree. So for the rest of the day, I'm in my head going, I know I'm an idiot. But I don't know. I don't feel like I'm of the day, I'm in my head going, I know I'm an idiot. But like, I don't know. Like, I don't feel like I'm like, oh, my God. Like, if I can add. So I was thinking, all right, I must have said something politically that fucking annoyed him. I have no idea. But every once in a while, I forget.

Do not read the comments. The first comment, the first comment, this podcast was awesome. 69 replies. go oh i wouldn't mind getting into this right it's all got to be the same agreeing and they're like yeah burt finally must have understood that he's annoying as fuck after being on rogan and after doing his own podcast he finally shuts the fuck up and they're like i agree i can't stand and then i'm like wait these are 69 people that just don't like me yeah yeah and then you're like these are the people who just took the time to say they don't like me

can't do it Bert you gotta stay you don't watch the news you don't read the comments on shit you did I'm texting uh Nick that video from me and Sandler oh dude seven months man that's impressive yeah this is the thing like uh you'll get to a point where you don't even think about it anymore like i don't think about drinking anymore i i more think about cigars because that's the latest thing i quit oh dude i have such great fucking cigars, Bill. I have literally probably- Please do that with your head again. I have such great cigars. Fucking cigars. What do you have? Just tell me what you have.

What do you hold? Oh, Bill, I've got three humidors full of my favorite cigars. I want to see it. Here, I'll pull it over. I want to see it. Look at that map of the world like you're some interesting guy. Oh, my God, it really is flat. It's not flat. Explain that map. You're looking right down. It's two cereal bowls side by side.

This is this is all the cigars from my tour bus these are all ones fans gave me and these are just stuff that i've been like dude i have i love tatouage and then all of a sudden i've got tatouage in here i got the fucking flathead the big one those are some serious gauges too i love a size queen this is my favorite cigar padron 7000 are you kidding me oh i love there's nothing i love more than a little what do we call to walk the dog this is a nub nubs are the best nub in the afternoon in the afternoon a nub get the fuck out of here these are from my show these were rolled on this show from my netflix series these are hand rolled from a guy that came out. I've got a bunch of those. Oh, look at this.

This is the Padron. It's a special. They only made a few of them. It's a special 20th anniversary cigar. I love how you just go, these are special cigar. They only made a bunch, a few of them. What are you selling me here, man? That sounds like a piece of shit cigar you caught yourself.

I got it. It's a good cigar. They only made a few of them. Oh, fuck. I like my thing. There's a place on Sunset out here. Cuban Seed.

Those are my favorite cigars. Those the la auroras la auroras are great oh man the ones the um look at that where do i go where do i go oh my god he's back um i like the one i was actually looking at the uh the different shapes different cuts and all of that what makes something this or that like the one that i like i'm trying to learn like what the cigar shapes so the one that i like it's a perfecto and it's the you know the la auroras i love the perfectos that whole fucking line i love and um i could smoke those the rest of my fucking life and i could smoke the um the cuban seed one this one that's sort of i don't know regular gauge whatever i'm not good at the sizes and everything i fucking

love those things let me see i've had one cigar since january 13th oh you like the you like the perfecto okay that makes sense yeah those are dude the best one i've ever had of that is the um xeno platinums perfecto holy shit that's one of the greatest cig one I've ever had of that is the Xenoplatinum's Perfecto. Holy shit. That's one of the greatest cigars I've ever had. Xenoplatinum? That sounds like some shit you'd buy in a titty bar. It's a Xenoplatinum.

Yeah, by the way, it was given to- Get around a Xenoplatinum. I'm buying. There was, I guess, this was a long time ago, a rapper came to Jay Moore's show, and he gave him three Xenoplat platinums and Jay didn't smoke cigars and so he didn't want it me and Walter his tour manager at the time went down to the pool and smoked them and I wasn't even that big of a cigar guy but god I'll never forget that cigar was like you're like oh I get it oh I get it that's got to be 20 years ago and I just remember being like this is really

nice that's what that's exactly what I said what that got me hooked on cigars I was doing an acting gig I've told this story a million times I'll tell it really fast I was doing an acting gig the director was taking us out on a little booze cruise around Boston Harbor and uh so I was like all right so I got a box of cigars for all the fellas who ever wanted to fucking smoke. And we got on and the boat was too small to have 10 people smoking cigars. It would have been obnoxious. So I held on to them. And then we wrapped on the movie a few days later. And next thing you know, I was back home and I had the box of cigars. I'm like, what am I gonna do here? And I was by myself and it felt weird to smoke by yourself. And I went out on my back porch on the middle of a perfect LA sunny afternoon. And the second I drew in the first one, I was just like, oh my God, I get it.

I get it. And then I've had a problem ever since. Here's one, if you can get a good box of them, because I heard they're a little hit or miss. I swear to God, they're called the Caligula, like that fucking half a porno movie. Let me look up who makes these cigars. I had these things.

They were, I got a good box of them. They were fucking delicious. I can't spell Caligula. Oh, there it is. Caligula cigar. Magnadon makes them. Yeah, Magnadula. Oh, there it is. Caligula. Cigars. Magnadon. Makes them.

Yeah. Magnadon. Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God. And you got to get the ones that are like the... Let me see what shape this thing is. God knows we got the timing. This fucking...

Oh, my... I smoke those things, dude. Somebody got them for me. Say it to me. Wait a second. I'm going to fucking find out what this thing is. It's almost like it's got the torpedo end on both sides. I don't know what that shape is called.

Collegiate with a K or a C? With a C. I'm sorry. I'll get it for you here. C-A-L-I-G-U-L-A. Casa Magna. Magnus. Sorry.

Casa Magna de Magnus II Caligula cigars. You get a good fucking box of those. I love them. And then as far as Cuban cigars, if you get real ones the last two real cubans i smoked i was in tel aviv doesn't that look delicious no that looks really good yeah oh i'll tell you that's a tasty cigar i won't i'm not gonna smoke a cigarette until they get a vaccine for this fucking coronavirus. That's amazing. I want my lungs to be at, like, legit.

Right now, they're so fucking good. I got on the treadmill today, and I ran great. I don't think it's your lungs, dude, because you're not inhaling. What I get worried about is because I run my mouth for a living. I can't be fucking smoking, you know, jaw cancer, tongue cancer, throat cancer. I don't need that shit. Yeah. I just had a full blown CAT scan on my head so I don't have any cancer

in my mouth. Thank God. Oh yeah. Dude, I got to do that. I got to get the shit shot through my heart. You know what I mean? When they say, shot through the heart! You having a coronary? I need to get that shit. Do you have your teeth cleaned by your dad when you go home? No. Why?

Do they look good? They look great. You know what? I quit fucking smoking and I just fucking went nuts with the toothbrush. You know, like a fucking whore going down on it every night there, Kurt. I got it back because they were getting a little yellow there. I looked like I was ready to do the beginning of a fucking Effordent commercial. Remember that? And people put the dentures in the worst all right i think we've done enough

time here i'm gonna go play some drums before my lovely daughter gets up all right um and that's it uh all right brother i mean as much as i love you and i miss you these zoom things are kind of cool man these are awesome man i could do that i i hope everyone's enjoying them because these are fun as fuck for me yeah i gotta clean i'm just embarrassed by how messy my office is i gotta clean it up but i'll have a regular background for you here so i really take the background to the next level i got my oldest special right there hey big boy streaming right now everybody go check it out i love you brother thank you that was fun as fuck the only thing you're missing you need like some some sort of like one of those gazelles or something from Africa.

You need one of those heads up on that thing. The wall there. That would be nice. Right there. Like a big elk head. Or a, have you ever watched those fucking, those wild boars in Africa? Yeah. Dude, you got to watch the one where the fucking thing eats a baboon.

Wild boar eats a baboon? All right, the look on your face, don't watch it. You just watch it. Don't do that. Dude, it's an old baboon. He's trying to hide. He doesn't have the strength. I don't know what happened to the thing.

And the pigs are freaked out because, you know, baboons baboons are weird man they're like monkeys that have like tiger grills you know what i mean like when you look at him i was like all right it's a fucking monkey doesn't look as jacked as a chimpanzee and then they yawn you're like oh fuck i didn't know he had that under his coat yeah yeah so that whatever just just watch it what just check it out yeah i'll check it out i'll be i'll have my research for next week oh man we got to take that fucking castle magnum box out of the picture man i'm gonna go smoke some now all right goodbye everybody thank you so much for watching another episode of the bill burt pod cast we'll see you next week see you guys see you bill see you next week. See you guys. See you, Bill. See you, Andrew.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.