The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 11

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about survival, George Bush, and classics.

hey what's up everybody time for another edition of the bill burt pod cast what's up everybody burt oh hey i gotta ask you about what's going on with that uh that hat you got there is that minor league shit i love that what is that yeah this guy uh sf grippy is his name. He makes hats. You know, I don't listen that well. I think he makes hats. He finds logos and then makes his own hats. Or they're from minor league teams or they're defunct minor league teams that he brings back.

But he makes cool hats. I don't listen to. Were you just so enamored by his hats that you weren't listening? I like the hats. And he told me, and I just – I was too busy looking at the logos. I wasn't listening at all. And so – and my problem is I have a big head. I have a size 8 head.

So the problem is you only get hats in places where there are big market teams. So New York, Boston, Los Angeles. And so in order for me to have a hat, I'd have to – Yeah. Like, you never – So then walking around with a Boston hat in L.A. is fucking exhausting. Oh, yeah. Now that we beat them in the World Series, fair and square.

Listen. we beat them in the world series fair and square. Listen, 2020, you can't figure out somebody's banging on a fucking trash can. You can't figure out what's going on. I made it, you know, come on. If you have a Boston hat in Los Angeles,

every dude from Boston wants to connect with you. It's almost like you can give them a ride home. You walk into a store. It was like, Oh, Boston, you see the game. Hey, how about Manny? He had a good game you walk into a store it's like oh Boston you see the game hey huh how about Manny he had a good game today right and you're like oh you're

going the other way I thought it was LA fans no no no and then I was I was like I did I'm not from Boston they're like what you got the hat on I'm like yeah I have a big head and they're like yeah I got a big head too and I'm like well mine's bigger and they're like I don't know and then you every time it was that same conversation. Go ahead. It fits good on your body. I think I have a big head, but I'm in the sevens. I was higher.

And then what's great is if you shave your head, your hat size goes down about half the size, depending on how big your fro was. So I'm like a seven and a quarter. You're an eight. Wow. Yeah, a size eight head, it's almost like a fraternity of men who have a size eight head because you go through the same struggles.

You walk into a Lids and I know how to buy a hat there. You go, hey, what size eights do you have? And he goes, everything. I go, you don't have everything. You have and he goes everything i go you don't have everything you don't have everything you say you don't have everything i say that every time that's a little dangerous you don't have everything you don't walk into a store and comment on another guy's inventory i've done it so much i do i walk in the lids i go what do you got the size of that size eight he goes everything I said okay really and

I go yeah I go how about that Tampa Bay hat and he's like all right let me check he comes down he goes yeah we don't have that in a size eight I go okay let's start over I go what do you have in a size eight and he's like and then and then they use their brain and they go probably whatever local team like if you're in Cincinnati probably like the Reds hat I go can you check to see if you have a Reds hat please and he's like yeah he goes no no size eight and that and I'm like okay it's it's such a pain in the ass you come in you come in with a bit of an attitude a hundred percent like a woman with a big foot buying shoes and you cannot bring up the fact that she has big feet.

At all. At all. And so then every time he goes, got seven and seven eighths. Let me put that on. And I go, it's not going to fit. And he goes, I don't know. They run big. I go, no, they don't.

I'm a size eight. A size eight is different than a seven and seven eighths. Trust me. He goes, just try. And I'm like, OK. I go to my head. I've been doing this my whole fucking life. And I put it on. He goes, well, you got a big head. I go to my head. I've been doing this my whole fucking life. And I put it on.

He goes, well, you got a big head. I go, that's why I walked in with a fucking attitude, asshole. Wow. They just want to get that red mark on your forehead. Have you walked out with it? Wait, what do you have, a seven and a quarter? Yeah. Yeah.

I remember seven and a quarter. I was in like eighth grade. My mother buys me. When my mother gets me hats, she still buys me a size eight. Because she told me since when I was a little kid, and I wanted, it used to be called a whiffle. In the summertime, I wanted to get a whiffle. She goes, you can't, your head's too big.

It's too round and all of this shit. And I think in her head, because when I was born, my head was this big. We already talked about this shit. So I think to this day, I think she was head, because I, when I was born, my head was this big. We already talked about this shit. So I think to this day, um, I think she was embarrassed of me. Just this big headed kid,

just walking around looking at, he was going to knock down a Lego city. So to this day, when she goes to buy me hats, dude, I mean, I could like spin these fucking things. I was like,

mom, I got a, I got a big head. I don't have a big head. Like David Ortiz's fucking hat? Where did you get this? What's a wiffle? A wiffle is like a crew cut.

Where I grew up, it was called, yeah, there was different expressions. We called it a wiffle. If a teacher yelled at you, you got balled out. If a teacher yelled at you, you got balled out. If you were just trashing somebody, it wasn't roasting them. It was called, he was ranking on them. Really? Dude, second period, I was fucking ranking on Mark,

and I got balled out by the fucking teacher. Now my mom's not going to let me get a fucking whiffle i hate that teacher she's a fucking d-bag our only example of those this is so bad in florida was all our slangs all had the n-word in them oh god oh dude like in the hip-hop generation type of thing no no no no no with the r yeah with it was like uh like if you knocked on someone's door and ran away or if everyone jumped on one person so like that was like like if you if you jumped on everyone you guys called it a dog pile we all jumped on we'd say that wasn't a fair fight no no no say there was a fumble and everyone jumped on the ball a scrum a scrum no i don't know i don't know what we were we just called that game kill the man with the ball no well we didn't call that that we called it smear the queer

smear the queer well what hey you know you know what it is about florida i i wonder if i wonder if before walt the anti-semite showed up you know i bet when he showed up you guys all didn't like him because he didn't hate enough when he showed up and he made that park right there in florida disney world yeah i think that everybody else in the country then separated Florida from the South. And maybe I also think Miami, Hollywood, Florida, the Jackie Gleason show. I think there was a level of glamour to Florida that people didn't like, I don't know. I mean, you know, I guess people always retired down there. For some reason, it never got the bad rap that the rest of the South deservedly get.

Oh, it was just as bad, too. It was just as bad. Kidding about deservedly get. I like the South. Oh, dude, Florida was definitely the South. It was the outer, like, the coast of, like, right on the beach was a little bit more elevated than like the center of florida like okatobi live oak like all that ocala all that center of florida was very

redneck i used to scream the name of that lake when i would be driving by myself on the 75 or the 95 whatever the fuck it is out there i used used to do that all the time. Oh, Kachobi! Just to keep myself awake. I just love the name. I've never seen it. At some point, I was going to drive across and then up from Miami because I had a gig in Miami, then Tampa.

And I just, you know, by the time I got that gig, I was too old to do the drive. I was like, I ain't fucking doing this, man. I'll look down. There was a river we'd float called the Ichetnitukne. Ichetnitukne. Dude, Florida's like

of all the places that are the most like Australia, I think Florida. Australia, as far as I just feel like the second you get out of civilization in Australia or Florida, something reptilian is going to get a hold of you. You can't go in any bush, any body of water. I mean,

the fact that you guys just coexist with alligators, I think that's why you're so racially intolerant around there. All the energy that you used to tolerate all the different parades of all the different cultures in our country i think you use that up on looking for a gator and then you just like get out of here you damn whatever the hell you guys say down there alligators were a legit threat growing up did you have a childhood friend that lost the limb or their life no i had a kid across the lake that had a pet alligator raised him and then had to let him go in the lake you always have to let a reptile go a hundred yeah oh well i have every i want to say every reptile that we had

in college ended up either dying at the hand of a dog or being let go a reptile died at the hand of a dog yeah what what a little lizard yeah lizard my my my uh iguana died because one of the dogs got a hold of it and then my buddy cheese had a uh ball python that got out and just disappeared. And he was like, well, what are you going to do? And we were like. Yeah, that's what the fuck happened in the Everglades. Now you have like two top-level predators that we're never supposed to meet. And I'll tell you what kills me is, man, those pythons can take a chomping. I watched this one like on youtube where this alligator and this python were just having

like the undertaker versus mankind steel cage fucking match in okachobee and this thing was like i'm thinking it's an alligator just bite the fucking thing in half but it's like it's like fucking biting on bruce smith's biceps back in the day. So they can't get fucking through it. And the snakes just take a beating. Like those pythons could take a beating. Oh, yeah, dude. There are so many down there because so many people just let them go. You could buy them in college.

Dude, reptile farms were a big deal in Florida. You'd drive, and there would be like a stop like 40 miles outside Tampa where you could go. And they had poisonous snakes. Yeah, it's just nuts down there. I'm telling you, it's like Australia. I remember seeing this thing one time. It was just one of those great just cheesy shows where you don't even have to think, right?

And like most of my TV viewing. And it was about this guy he picked up this chick at a bar and he had this giant giant what burmese python whatever the fuck you call it yeah to the point it like took up a significant part of its house he had this giant glassed in thing where it was. She saw it like freaked out and he was hammered. He goes, I'm going to go feed it. So he went in there and somehow the dope fucking face planted, hit his head or something and he started bleeding. And he couldn't like regain like his full faculties or his consciousness.

And the smell of the blood or whatever on its little fucking little tongue there turned on the predator thing and it just fucking grabbed him and started choking him out and then the chick was just freaked out and like you know called 9-1-1 but by the time they got there it was over um i was watching one the other day where this python grabbed this dog and these guys in like somewhere in asia just had like these these branches with leaves on them and they're whipping the fucking snake the snake is still squeezing the dog as it's going and then the snake is like like fucking got its head going fighting them off while it's squeezing this thing to death it was like some jackie chan, fighting them off while it's squeezing this thing to death.

It was like some Jackie Chan shit, like multiple attackers while it was also killing its fucking meal. They finally got the thing off. It was kind of funny because the dog chilled once they got it off its rib cage and it was just sort of down around its hinds quarters. It was sort of chilling,

but I've been watching a lot of shit like that. Hyenas versus leopards, wild dogs. There's a great wild dog one where the guy had to turn off the comments because he was such a fan of wild dogs that when the lion was going after it, he was out in the bush going, oh no, run, run, oh no no run little doggy like just like they shut off all the comments because sick and twisted people like myself watch those fucking things there's something about it like it's not like a rogan thing like while rogan's like into nature and predator and fighting and all of that yeah there's just certain animals i don't like and i like watching them get killed what are those bill ostriches ostriches annoy me there's just these big fucking goofs and you'll watch like these top predators and those fucking things do when i tell you they just take off oh like remember that dude who would play full court

hoop outside in his bare feet and you come down on a rebound, land on his foot, was so calloused over he didn't even get hurt. That's the fucking, the human version of that is a fucking, what do you call it, ostrich. Those things, there's so many cats I saw go after that thing. When those things can see you, they just start taking off. It's hilarious because they don't have arms to move. And it's just like this little blob. It looks like a kid drew it. And then they have like these fucking Carl Lewis legs with these giant big chick feet. And they just fucking take off.

And it's so satisfying to see one when they get caught, man. Yeah. I don't know. Them, I like seeing chimps get killed. I like seeing wild boars and hyenas. It's everything else I root for. We hunted a wild boar on Travel Channel. And they were like, yeah, there's going to be a segment.

And I was like, I bet that seems pretty brutal. They have a bunch of the Hawaiian pit bulls. They all have trackers on their necks, big collars. They're all in the back of a truck and they let the dogs loose. And then we just kind of hit, watch the tracker and then follow the dogs. And so we're running through the forest after the dogs. And man,

the second we caught up with the dogs and the fucking five dogs were holding the wild boar down and one's got it by the asshole one's got it by the ear one's got it by the like they're there's they got it the dogs have pulled all its arms and legs out and it's holding it down and you just hear this thing just uh they give us a knife and they go stab it in the heart and i had the knife in my hand and I passed it to one of the travelers I was with because it was when we were doing trip flip. I go, it's your vacation, brother. Congratulations. I heard you have to like sew the dogs up.

Like they get stitches and shit when they get hit by those tusks, right? Oh, yeah. Those dogs took a beating. And then they put the – this was the most brutal part, is you got to get the – you're in the middle of the woods. You got to get the pig out of there. They took the pig. They cut out its intestines right there.

The dogs are fighting over the asshole, the intestines, everything. And then they tie the legs and the arms like this. They tie them and then I put it on like a backpack with the head right here and walked it out of the fucking woods. Wow. It was- By the way, I think it's hindquarters and front legs,

not legs and arms. I don't think- Legs and arms. Yeah, and I actually think that there's probably people who watch this don't give a fuck

about stuff like that. But if you are like a PETA person and everything, you can't tell me that during this pandemic when there was the initial

two weeks of panic and everybody just running to the store and buying everything. It was, it was, I am patting myself on the back that in real time, I was like, this is fucking stupid.

There's Postmates. Fucking cows and chickens don't have this. It'd be one thing if all the animals were dying. I understand that. But you can't tell me after this pandemic that you're not looking at a guy like Joe Rogan who's got a frozen moose in his garage or something going like you know that's pretty fucking smart oh he's papa making his own bread yeah he's he's got

uh he Rogan has like five refrigerators and when I was just telling someone this the other day when I did his podcast it was right after the pandemic hit and he was like hey man you good on meat and I was like I could always use some he's like all right took me back gave me 40 pounds of moose elk I mean just like so and you're like you're looking at that going oh he's gonna be good you know when the fires hit out and where where he lives when the fires were out there yeah I heard he's speaking out of school I don't know if you need to say this I don't want to hear his neighbors hear this no no no no the fire i think this was on the news all right the fires were out were out in that area and everyone from like everyone uh west of the 405 had to evacuate pretty much and joe just popped open his freezer and

cooked 300 pounds of elk and and moose for all the all the first responders just popped open his freezer and cooked 300 pounds of elk and, and moose for all the, all the first responders just turned on his grill and cooked up for everyone. Yeah. I remember hearing that. Yeah. Yeah. He's a dude. I have to watch his Instagram pictures too. It looks like he cooks the hell out of it too. Oh, he does it different. He, he smokes it and then reverse sears it okay okay so you've already you've already got the inside temperature you want then you just

give it a quick one seat on both sides butter and garlic and it looks so fucking good thank you for not trashing me for saying one seat you give it a quick one seat do you think you could hunt an animal could i absolutely really yeah with a bow and stuff i mean i'm not saying i could hit it yeah you wouldn't have a problem killing an animal no okay i love animals but if i have to fucking eat or if it's gonna try and kill me and i also think it's it's a it just, it's really stupid that I don't know how to hunt. I think it's really stupid that I don't know shit about guns. I think it's really stupid that I never, uh, you know, did any martial arts shit up to like a decent belt just to be like, you know, proficient, like, like all of that is stupid. And I think that, you know, like with most shit,

there's a ridiculous stereotype with like gun owners and stuff. But on the other side, they do have a really bad timing. I guess because when bad shit happens with somebody with a gun, they immediately go after gun rights. So then they have to say something. So it's just like, you know, there's a lot of like, you know, I, you know, I'm one of those guys where, yeah, I think you should, you, you know, you should have something in your fucking house to protect yourself. But like, I also draw the line, I would definitely draw the line on, like, I don't think you need something that you then as one person could take out an entire fucking mall and there's nothing anybody can do about it until the fucking cops get there.

Cause then it escalates to then open carry, and then we're all walking around like fucking high noon. And I don't think most people have the, I know me with my fucking temper. I should not be walking around. I would definitely brandish a weapon. I'm not saying I would shoot somebody. But I don't have confidence in my temperament. It's a ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous fucking responsibility owning a gun.

And I think like, you know, it's like, look at standup comedians. There's a lot of comedians that love it, but there's very few that, that like have that need and that hunger and that respect. And like, I mean, dude, I, I, I mean, I'm here. I'm going to pat myself on the back here, but I can literally walk into the biggest fucking hell room ever. All right. And when I walk in, when I see like the mic stand and the mic just sitting in it before the show,

I still get a little, like, I get like that, you know, when I see like the mic stand and the mic just sitting in it before the show, I still get a little like I get like that. You know, like I nerd out about it. Like, look at these fucking animals. Look at this whole situation that's completely not set up for this. And then this human beings are going to walk up there and just grab that microphone and somehow try and turn this shit around. And it's just like, I don't know. There's just something so fucking awesome about that.

Um, and I think that there's like this, you know, with everything, gun owners, hunters or whatever, there are those people like plumbers. There's the guy that does it right.

And then there's the guy who just fucking does it the way my fucking house was done. You know, there's the Richard Pryor of everything. Yeah. And then there's like the pop singer of everything. So I think the problem with guns is that there's too many middle acts that have them. And they are open micers that have guns and then they give like you know

legit gun owners people who grew up with them respected them and all of that type of shit um my big thing about a gun is i don't understand like i have it in my house for protection but then it's in the fucking safe like at night i want that thing loaded right on the nightstand but then i'm worrying if some guy comes in the house and he's got his soft socks on and he's tippy-toeing up, and then that thing's sitting there like a fucking hors d'oeuvre. You know? Yeah. What if you're thrashing about or you start sleepwalking like Mike Birbiglia?

He's someone who should not own a fucking gun. Pick up a gun and fucking blow your brains. There's a lot of, you know, it's like having a tiger for a pet. Nah, it's probably a bad analogy, but you know what I mean. Yeah, I have the thumb safe. It does your fingerprint. You just wiped your nose. Would it work?

Do you have to wash your hands before you do it nope nope it's just like your iphone just thunk and it just funk gun flops out loaded one in the barrel see there you go problem solved oh i've been i have been i've been very lately we're dealing with some uh issues of uh that's my favorite thing you've said today. I've been very lately. I've been very lately. I'll just say we have guns all around the house right now. Well, that makes sense.

I mean, you're either going to do it or you're not going to do it. You either have to go fucking born identity or not. Like, what are you doing? Yeah. You're going to, you better be ready to use it if you pull it out. All right. Now you asked me if I could shoot an animal. Yeah. Could you shoot a person?

Very easily. Very easily. Yeah. Very easily. If I ever Yeah. Very, very easily. I don't want to get your fucking gun. If I ever had to pull my gun out, it would only be if there's, I would only ever pull my gun out

if there was someone in my house. And if there's someone in my house, especially in today's, what's going on with social distancing, if someone gets into my house, I have no problem shooting them. All right. What if someone was just on your your front yard and they were just screaming at you trashing your act then i would just go out and argue with them it's crazy man that the the people lately that i've been looking that are that will trash your

act and then you go to their and it gets you so upset and then you go to your their thing and they have six followers and you're like oh you don't even count like no one heard your opinion i like those guys my favorite ones are the ones on Twitter when they really rip into you. And then they have just the egg, like no picture. Yeah. And then zero followers, not following anybody. It's like, oh, wow, this guy hates me so much, or woman, that he just started in an account specifically to trash me,

but was so afraid that if i just had a little bit of information the person's name their twitter handle or their fucking face that i would trash himself so i always found that as a level of respect okay here's the kind of people like i could shoot the obvious naked pedophile oh yeah running up my walk screaming i will rape you all yeah no problem fat people because it's easy i don't really want to kill somebody and have that hanging over my head and i just feel like a fat person could really take a shot because they and they're already got one foot in the grave or they kind of got they got that level of blubber you know what i mean and i just feel

like it's not going to get to the vials but you know a fat person you don't you don't have to do much yeah you just gotta you just gotta like slap that belly get that weight rippling you know i don't know that it's it's a very like uh i think you watch enough movies you think he can do it but i remember uh one of the big disappointments was this rapper came out and he was a boy soldier in africa and just killed all kinds of fucking people and before i listened to his album, he said, he was talking about all these rappers that were at that time with the gangster rap shit.

This was a long time ago. We're bragging about killing people, you know, and all of that type of shit. And he goes, if you've actually killed somebody, he goes, you don't brag about it.

He said, it haunts you. And I never forgot that. I was like wow and then i listened to the album and and like you know this is 20 years ago and the producer wasn't good so i was just i was like fuck this is gonna be like the the real deal so his rhymes and shit were all right but like the producing stunk i hope he doesn't see this we we've been watching the girls have been into vietnam

movies lately we watched platoon the other night and uh yeah and it's and you know it's so funny is that they see so many movies that aren't real we talked about 1917 but we there's so many movies that aren't real that they still have a hard time believing some of these movies are real like vietnam they're like that really happened and they're like they made some of this up right right you're like oh no that oliver stone was there that's what it was like dude i i i worked with the guy uh second shift in this warehouse and um he was in vietnam i've never seen a guy put away booze the way this like you would go out drinking with this guy and he'd hand you a budweiser he'd drink budweiser hard right and then he'd be doing shots but he'd hand you a fucking beer and i sweet dude you get like fucking five sips in and he handed you another one And then it became like the, I love Lucy sketch, you know,

where she's trying to wrap the chocolates and dude. And this guy was just like, he looked like a toad. He was just all just flesh and booze. And when he'd get really hammered, he'd tell you stories and he always laughed about it too but it was a crazy laugh and then he would get quiet but he was on the he was at the dmz and you know you know those anti-aircraft guns that shot shot like that like boom boom boom boom yeah he said he had his pointed horizontal at the tree line and when shit would going, his job was just to just fucking, like, he said they would explode like water balloons. Good. Just hit these fucking guys.

Yeah, and he was, like, raging, raging, raging fucking alcoholic. And, like, smoked cigarettes down to the thing the thing like fingers all yellow and brown i mean i lost touch with the guy but there's no way that guy made it to the year 2000 no i was with him in the the early 90s um the fuck was his name that's the question do you think you think you could go to war and do that shit i've always maintained that if i could get the courage to kill the first person once i did that then i would be worried that i would be that psycho running around in the nude at night with the knife in his teeth collecting years i think there's an 80 chance i would actually be in the fetal position crying.

Yeah. Because my walking around guy is that guy. But then I have this, somebody cuts me off in traffic. And then I turn into that other guy. So what I would have to, my entire adult life has been holding that other guy at bay. Yeah. So, and then also trying to toughen up the other side. I am the most fucked up dude ever dude i i have like any social situation i walk into i'm either crying in the foxhole or running in

the nude with the knife the fucking lunatic or just letting somebody completely walk all over me take advantage of me and it drives my wife nuts she's just like like there's sometimes i'll just walk into a situation and it's like uh it's if somebody's passive with me like does it like no dude like and i'm not really kind of it kind of like makes has me at ease no that's not even the one i think passive aggressive people and bullies bring out the lunatic and then everybody else, like if it's a weird social situation, like I just, I, like I've let people say some of the rudest, most disrespectful shit to me ever. And then afterwards, like afterwards, I mean, like anywhere from two hours later to six months or a year later, I'll bring it up with my wife and she'll just be like, yeah, I was like on pins and needles.

I couldn't believe you didn't say anything. And I was just like, yeah, I don't know why I didn't. And now that's going to fucking bug me for the rest of my life. And then for the rest of my life, dude, I drive around replaying that situation in my head alone in my car as I fucking say it to the windshield. You fucking think you can, as I'm buying you a fucking burrito, you're going to fucking say that in front of my wife? You know who you're talking to? I go into that fucking mode. And then I'm at a red light and I look over and there's somebody looking at me.

And I just, yeah, dude. Mess. No, I'm the exact same way. I would allow liberties with people because i always felt like i was resilient i could be cool i could figure i could get past it and then i never got past it it would be something i'd sit up and fight with in my head i was telling i told rich voss this today i had a they had a radio show call in where there was the fans were trying to get the most famous guests to call in and someone reached out to me and I definitely

wasn't by far famous, but for whatever reason they let me call in. And then the, so I like, I like the radio show hits me up. Hey man, would you mind if we called you? And I was like,

I'm going to give you a props for downplaying your celebrity and trying to act like you're down to earth. Continue And I was like, I'm going to give you a props for downplaying your celebrity and trying to act like you're down to earth. Continue. Well, no, I'm that's important to this story because I send, he said, they send me an email,

like a text. Hey, can you, do you mind if we call you for the show? There's what's going on. And I'm like, yeah, I'm aware of course.

So then I say, yes, they announced that I'm on the show. And then the fans start going, Hey man, they've been trashing you all week saying you're nobody you're not famous they've been mispronouncing your name so i'm sure by the way i did the interview it went perfect they were cool as fuck they were and they just did not know who i was so

they're like i don't know who this burt kreischer guy is so that's why but what happened was i laid in bed getting these emails going i'm walking walking into a trap. Like they're going to fucking destroy me tomorrow and be like, so who are you? And I'm going to have to defend myself. I must've, I played radio jock verse Bert out in my head, but I played both voices. So I wrote the script.

This radio jock was saying the most poignant, destructive things to me. and now here i am like he would never know these things about me right never and here i am defending him fighting until i go to bed and then i wake up and by the time they called i'm like hello and they're like hey man we're gonna be on in two are you ready and i'm like yeah and then he was like really nice he's like hey man super excited to talk to you thanks for letting us call you and i was like oh hey what's up man and then and your guard went down and they didn't trash you they didn't trash me at all they were super nice and then he texted me and he was like thank you so much and they were

awesome it was like an awesome sports talk show i got one for you one time i was on the road and i did a radio station that was it was outside my wheelhouse you know i was somewhere in uh the south or something like that and they were definitely more like the good old boys and I and I was an east coast guy but you know we made it work or whatever and then I went out and I did my show wherever chuckle hut I was at and somebody came up to me going hey you know those guys just trashed you for like 10 minutes after you left now And I was just like, oh, those motherfuckers, right? So then I went back to New York and I went on Opie and Anthony and then I trashed them.

And then they got in touch with me and they're like, dude, what the fuck was that all about? I thought we had a good time. And they were like, we never said shit about you. You know? And then the one guy wanted to fight me and shit and i was i learned a lesson i was just like you know just because some asshole comes up to you and says that somebody's saying something about you yeah the proper procedure

is to well do you have audio of it and if they don't you just fucking let it go that's what i've learned i've learned uh with that shit and business working in atc and that type of thing and just knowing that people are gonna you know there's gonna be disagreements people gonna come and go and blah blah blah blah and you just fucking it's just business it's you know, I was talking to somebody the other day and they were flipping out about something in show business. And I was just listening to them. I go, listen, I'm not trying to be the know-it-all old guy, but everybody in this town has that story.

Denzel Washington has that story. I signed up for the thing. It was supposed to be this. And I showed up and it was that. It's just like everybody has that fucking story. So just take comfort in the fact that, you know, it's not a personal thing. And that was a big, like I learned a lot and I felt really bad. I wish I said when they got back to me, I should have been like,

I'm an idiot. Somebody said that you guys did. Maybe it was another show. I'm sorry. I'll go in it. That's what I should have done. I should have done that. I should have been like,

yeah, I was like, then why did 20 different people come up to me and say that? And it was only one. Like I tried to lie my way out of it. I felt like a fucking asshole, which I am. You know how many times I laid in bed fighting with Opie and Anthony?

Oh, in your head? Fighting. Because I wanted to be on that show so bad. Like so bad. And then I got on. And I talked to both of them about this. But I got on. And by the way, I got on, and I talked to both of them about this, but I got on, and it was – and by the way, I got on, and it was a good appearance, but it wasn't the best

because it was when they were fighting, and so no one was talking. And so, like, everything was wrong. Everything went wrong with that appearance, in my opinion, as a fan of the show, right? So then I go on to do it again, and E-ot comes up to me we're at montreal and he's like hey just so you know you're uninvited i said what he was like some one of their one of their guests that they have on one of the regulars doesn't want you on the show he doesn't like you and he doesn't want you on the show so you're not allowed to do the show what yeah dude don't get me

started it's a fucking what kind of a fucking asshole would do that to another fucking comedian? I know. I got to know who it is if they're a regular. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know the person well. And so he, and I was like, are you fucking serious? And they're like, yeah, he's not letting you on. E-Rock was, I think E-Rock was buzzed.

We were at Montreal. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah, so you're going to get a text tonight saying that you're not allowed to do the show but it's because of this guy everyone in the show loves you and he got and he was like it's bullshit and so I was like okay blowing up E-Rock spot right now or does it not matter because it doesn't matter it doesn't it really doesn't matter to him now he's over at Kumia's network and it wasn't Anthony didn't give a shit and neither did Jim it was Opie by the way I don't have any problems with Opie and I've talked to Opie about this but um but yeah it was Opie that kind of put the kibosh on it because of someone else and so so then from that time on like wait did you did you

bomb no did you talk over people nope nope did you not drink the eggnog and puke into the basket and you must have done something. No, no, I was perfect. I mean, I will tell you, look, I talked to Sam Roberts about it. I talked to him about it right after I did the appearance. The appearance went fine. As a matter of fact, it went even better than fine because I had just done Letterman the night before,

and I had done panel, and I had done panel with Henry Winkler. Henry Winkler was there. And Henry Winkler was walking by, walking by and they're like hey it's the Fonz and I go I know him and they're like what and so I jump out of the studio I watched the show so much listen to show so much that I knew how to behave you know I knew it was good so I jump out of the studio I'm like Henry come on in I bring Henry Winkler in. It was a fun appearance. It was a really fun appearance. My God. I was just picturing you going, Henry, you sticking your head out sideways like you did with Sam? Do you got time for a quick story?

We talked about this. Henry Winkler strikes me as so nice that he didn't even remember you. And the fact that you called him in there, he went in there anyways because he's such a sweetheart of a guy. Oh, yeah. And then he hung out. It was the only thing that was wrong with that appearance. Wait, how do you know him? called him in there he went in there anyways because he's such a sweetheart of a guy oh yeah and then he hung out it was a great it was the only thing that was wrong with that how do you know him i want to i want to see the degree you know him you met him before you did we we had just done letterman the night before together you don't know that guy i know him

bill you don't even remotely know that guy we had done letterman we had hung out with jennifer aniston i don't fucking know her if you're out of your fucking mind i'm sure you are out of your fucking mind i know him wait wait wait did you do stand-up or panel panel oh it's a little better but not much i did seven minutes of panel and so and so and he was the first guest it was him so he left dude he left no he was there he was there he was there I got off, he was – because they did three panels. It was Henry Winkler, Shia LaBeouf, and me. And they said, you know, just so you know, you get two minutes. And I was like, wow.

And then everyone was backstage. And they're like, that's not for everyone. It's just them. Unless Dave likes you, and then you'll get more. And so I was like, okay. And so I did seven minutes, and I got off, and Henry Winkler was backstage. He was like, Dave must've really liked you. That was awesome.

I had a good appearance and Henry, Henry, Shia LaBeouf left. But, uh, but Henry Winkler was back there and I was like, oh yeah. And he was like, that was great. It was a really great appearance, him and Biff. And I was like, oh, thank you. And so I left. All right. So then you saw him the very next day.

Okay. That's not bad. All right. The next morning I see him and I'm like, I'm like, Henry. And he was like, Hey, I go, come on in. And he walked he walked in they're like and opie's like bert knows henry winkler and i was like oh we did letterman last night and then henry linker came in it was fun it was a good appearance the only thing that was wrong with that appearance in my opinion and this is a fan of opie and anthony is i know you don't do prepared bits on that show, right? That's not how that show worked.

And I went in and I sat down. No one's paying attention. Everyone's on their phones. And Opie just goes, so what's this machine story everyone says I got to hear? And in my head, I'm kind of like doing the show the way I think it should be done. I'm like, oh, it's a long story. You don't want to hear it. And he's like, no, tell it to us. And I was like, I don't think it's right.

I hadn't even met them. And he's like, tell it to us. That's a long story. It's not, you don't want to hear it. And he's like, no, tell it to us. And I was like, that's, I don't think it's right. I hadn't even met them. And he's like, tell it to us. That was, that was, that's a good Opie. Yeah. Like that is the level.

Like when I first did that show, dude, I gotta be honest with you. All shows. I think that you really wanted the respect from, Oh, always had that vibe. Stern,

like Howard Stern show. First time I did that a long time ago it was the same thing where it was just like in letterman it's like you're going into something uh that you so want to go well yeah that the the pressure is fucking crazy like you know if you just if you all three of those shows opie, if you, all three of those shows, Opie, Howard, Letterman, all three of those, if you walked in and didn't give a fuck what the stars of those shows thought, you would have, it would be a joke.

You would have such a great appearance. But the thing is, I think that that pressure is caring. That's all it is, caring too much. So you have to trick yourself into not giving a fuck in enough of a way that you can get the job done, but not do it in a way like, hey, wash those dishes. I don't give a fuck. And you got leaving food on. I mean, you got to do the job right.

But wow, dude, that just took me back. Yeah. I remember whenever Opie and Anthony would get a really good guest, I would be rooting for them. I would be listening to the show going, come on, guys, please. Please don't do that ONA thing

where for the show, you're gonna, you're gonna, was it cauterize another fucking artery? Yeah. To taking the show to another level one of the worst and best things which is so much which was what made the opie anthony show so fucking great was one time leslie nielsen called in and fucking it was opie anthony jim norton and fucking nick dipolo and he called in it was towards the end of his life oh i mean it was it was i i was it was fuck it was hilarious it was fucking brutal and he was old and he couldn't hear and he couldn't figure out what they were doing

and i don't know where the fuck his publicist was, but the guy or the woman, guy or woman should have got Leslie off the fucking phone. And within 30 seconds, dude. And it was just like, I mean, you literally, you ever been a fan of a boxer and then you just watch him get his ass kicked or like your favorite quarterback gets old. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's just like, oh man, you know, your favorite quarterback gets old yeah you know what i mean and it's just like oh man you know your favorite athlete or whatever it was like that but at the same time the guy's doing the ass kick and it was just it was it was so bad it was so fucking watching i

mean as far as everything that i saw on there, I was just like, I can't fucking believe. I can't believe that they just are going to fucking do like they just, it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. It was, it was almost like watching it. Opie and Anthony was a little bit part. The end of Donnie Brasco, when,

you know, he's been made, but he's still got to go in every now and then. And you're like, fuck, are they gonna, are they going to know there's a wire on him does he have a wire on him like opie and anthony was so there were times where you just be like oh please don't they'd go we got a great show we got we got david hellen patrice o'neill bill burr and we got uh we got judge judy coming in later and you're like, oh, fuck.

Did you ever see the one? I think Patrice was there, too. This guy came in, and he was promoting a book. And it was a bunch of puns with definitions to them about bros. like, okay, about bros. Like, all right, this is your bro that you only drink beers with. That's your broski. Like they were level jokes like that. So they don't trash him right in the beginning.

They let him do, it felt like 11 of those things. And I just kept remembering Anthony going like, ah, and they just let him keep going. And I want to say Patrice was there and Patrice's silence was deafening. For like, I think this was the guest. It might've been, Patrice did silence was deafening for like, I think this was the guest. It might've been, Patrice did it so much,

but he finally just said, he just in the middle of one of them, I think he just looked at Opie and Anthony said, Anthony, what year is it? Can you please explain why this motherfucker came in with a book of puns on this show. And they started trashing this fucking book. I forget if the guy called in or what, but it was like, it was like one of these things where like,

you're just watching somebody walking into their death and they don't even fucking realize it. I do, I swear to, I still to this day, when I fucking go to New York, I have this excitement. opie anthony it's not there anymore it's just it's like this this uh yeah phantom limb every time i come back to that city i i after that i used to set up i used to think i would be that pun guy that i would they would then the next time they let me in i would go in and they would have a setup to destroy me to try to destroy me like only because that could happen that could happen there was there would that was definitely a subset of guests that you were coming in there and they and they it was just going to be that they were turning on

the humiliation button full fucking power or whatever and you were just going to be that thing and it was like uh playing on a football team where it's like all right you're the starter now but somebody else comes walking through that door and then they're doing your job better you're you're now second string and so like that thing that's why i always said like the theme of that show should have been the wheels on the bus wheels on the bus go around because i i saw every single fucking person spend at least half a fucking ep like an hour and a half underneath those fucking wheels yeah oh yeah i had i had my fight i had my fight planned i knew what i'd say i had my i knew everything i was going to say i had i had the moment i looked to jimmy to help me out and then

the moment i had to turn on jimmy i remember all of it i i would lay in bed arguing and they would say the most poignant things to me that were the things I thought of myself. And it was brutal. And then I never ended up doing Opie and Anthony again, I don't think, because I think they split up. The table at the cellar was the same thing. Before I got there, I would just think of every possible comic that could be there, and I would get two or three insults ready to go. So I went in there, and I could lay down some cover so i could make it into the fucking trees yeah and then and then just fucking hope that somebody else with a dumber looking shirt or whatever the fuck they were coming at me would just come walking in hey eddie if i was

gonna say that please eddie if eddie should get a special pass into heaven the amount of shit he got he took at that club at that day that was another good one patrice and kevin brennan those were good ones really oh those were good ones i don't remember i remember one time he said to kevin kevin this is when we were still new so like like they, you know, Kevin had status, man. He was one of the fucking guys, right? Still is. Right. So Patrice was just holding court laughing and just being like, just fucking as loud as you could possibly be. And I forget what the fuck Brennan said.

He yelled over and like something to keep it down or something that I don't know Patrice just looked over he just goes Kevin shut your face he said I can't do it the way he said it was such like contempt like how dare you talk to me and went right back to talking and me and kevin hart fucking laughed for like 20 fucking minutes it was just the stupidest shit ever i don't know i gotta be honest with you like when i go to new york um i i have like i i go through a depression every if i spend too long there yeah like i when i go to new york what i've learned to do to get around the depression is i go to the stand and i go to the new york comedy club because i walk in there and i don't expect to see like when i walk into the cellar i'm expecting you know it's like high school and i go back and nobody's there and you know and i mean and then i just see a bunch of people sitting at the fucking table

that would literally have left in tears um it's i just try to avoid it but then uh then of course that bullshit happened last year at the stand so i mean that fucking sucks now too i don't know the dark well kimowitz getting murdered oh yeah that was dude that's horrific yeah that's the uh you know dude i gotta be honest with you i actually learned something from that as far as like grief like that's the one thing that i actually i've always i always fought off the cry with patrice i've always fought you always this is a. I can't fucking do this. With Kimowitz, I fucking let that one out. And it's a really, I learned. I was like, wow, the emotion of crying is healing.

Trying to get you to heal. And I never fucking understood that. And that one, you couldn't hold that one in, man. That was just fucking, let's not talk about that, man. That was the worst fucking thing ever. That horrible anyway back to the comedy no i i have a hard time going back to the like i always go back into the cellar a little shell shocked like well every time i walk in the cellar i'm always like who's at the table and then i don't know anyone and i'm like oh okay but i feel like if you move back to New York and you were there for like a

week week and a half you'd be fine it's it's the leaving and then coming back like I never understood that expression you could never go home I never understood that I was always having fucking get an airplane ticket right now go right stay right outside my high school I never understood that it meant it's it's not going to that it meant it's not going to be the same past a certain amount of time. And just how my head works, I have to stay in the new. Because if I go backwards, I have so much regret about shit that I've done or didn't do and all of this stuff.

I can't go back into that and uh revisit it it's it's it's like yeah it's too much yeah I I feel the same way I feel like uh they when they had me do birth the conqueror season three I'd already the show had been canceled and they're like you should do that again and I was like I think I'm taking a step backwards my wife's like yeah 100% are you should do that again. And I was like, I think I'm taking a step backwards. My wife's like, yeah, a hundred percent are.

You definitely are. That's exactly what you're doing. Oh, did they do a reboot of it? Yeah, they did a reboot of it and I wanted to get it right. I wanted to do it the way I thought it should be done. And,

uh, and, and I think we did, but no one, uh, the new network didn't like it. Do me and Verzi used to watch that show just to watch you scream. It was my favorite thing ever.

That one where they put you on that zip line above that stadium and you're just like, I don't want to do this. I do not want to do this. And then they just push you off. It was one of these. I used to watch that show a couple of times. I would watch it with Verzi on the phone just to hear him laughing. And we would just laugh our balls off.

Some of that shit you did, I wouldn't. Like that's strat. Did you jump up to stratosphere, right? I was the first person. Yeah. I'm not. I would never in a million fucking years do that ever. Oh.

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Fuck. There's no margin for error. Ever. Oh. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Fuck. There's no margin for error. None. It was due to the panic attacks. In aviation, there's emergency procedures. Bungee jumping, if that fucking thing fails, that's it. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I actually always wondered if you were going down, right, and there was just enough to send you back up as it snapped, and then you're in the air doing that running in the air thing you do when you realize there's nothing holding you anymore. Could you fucking, you know, because there's that thing as you're going up with physics, as you start to travel back down, there's the point of no return where your arms are not strong enough to reach out

and grab something and actually hang on which i believe is anything above two and a half miles an hour which is the amazing thing about apes and monkeys how when they're getting chased by something how they can jump down like that into another tree and just fucking grab with one arm one hand and just grab something and keep going that is spider-man i don't know how they do it yeah that is crazy you can't because like over two miles per hour it's almost double your body weight right i i don't know what the physics of but it's like yeah you go from i mean automatically right now like i mean dude if i just lobbed a 50 pound weight at you at the gym if i just went hey burke catch this catch it yeah catch it yeah and and you know so i mean i weigh like a fucking

a buck 71 loving that number i mean yeah i mean i I mean, I, I can't with my shoulders, I haven't put up 171 pounds and I can't remember. And now I have 171 palms falling and I'm contemplating my own death. Yeah. I'm not, I don't see. That should be the workouts where we do where, where you're trying to catch weights. All like, all the workouts we do should be the things we do where you're trying to catch weights. All the workouts we do should be the things that you see in movies. You're holding onto a cliff by one hand and you hold onto something and the other hand is swinging up above you.

I used to think a way to fly a helicopter safely, like in case the main rotor just snapped off, right? Yeah. As if you just flew doors off all right and then you had like you had one of those you know those those base jumper guys yeah but you can't do it because you'd have to have the chute in your hand and you gotta you gotta use all your hands to all your limbs basically to fly the fucking thing if there was a way you use the tail rotor pushes you over you'd want the tail rotor on your side whatever side you're flying on push you over like that

maybe no but then that would take you to the door dude helicopters are just fucking that's just you gotta fly both doors that's the one thing they told us when as soon as you hit the water, the first thing the helicopter does is flips upside down. That's not true. Okay. It doesn't? Well, I mean, it depends on what you do. It doesn't flip upside down. for a water landing is you just do an auto rotation the way you normally would. And then the second your skids hit the water is then you went, you went left cyclic.

You, you know, you basically rolled down to the detent. So you're essentially in neutral. So the engine is not turning the fucking rotor anymore. What you would do is then you went left cyclic to deliberately put it on its side to stop the blades from turning. Does that.

They hit the water? They hit the water? Yeah. The water stops it. And then you unbuckle your seat, take a breath as you're going under, you unbuckle your seatbelt, all of this casually,

by the way. And as you got that spinning guillotine above your fucking head, and then you come to the surface you know fight off a couple of sharks and uh you know wait for a boat to come get you well what you're supposed to do is when you go to the water is if you see a boat or a buoy or something that you can fucking be near that's what you do. And then the other big thing is obviously nowhere near, close enough to a boat so they can pick you up. But there's no way you're supposed to jeopardize anybody on the ground.

I think that's when you learn how selfish you are. I would land on the first boat I saw. If you give a fuck about those surfers below you going like, now let's be fair. They didn't decide to go flying today. This was my decision. Like those fucking military pilots and those commercial airline pilots, when they get into those situations and they put it down in the fucking ocean

have just basically said we're all gonna fucking die and i'm not gonna kill any more people than need be i mean it's some that dude that is some fucking man shit yeah because i would be aiming for the fucking beach i'd at least be shallow water i'd be i would be trying to land it up on the beach head out the window hey hey hey hey heads up heads up sorry sorry and then afterwards just taking the beating as you're getting on the beach. I panicked. I'm sorry. Like John McCain getting dragged through Vietnam. No, but he's a hero. It's not like John McCain.

This is the antithesis. No, but they beat the shit out of him through Vietnam. They were stabbing him with pitchforks. He landed in the lake in the right downtown oh he fucking that i was that i wonder how many times when he was in captivity if he was like i should have just pushed the stick forward and aimed at one of their fucking buildings or whatever they had just killed myself did you ever read i talked Dude, did you ever read,

I talked about this, did you ever read Flyboys? Uh-uh. When the first George Bush had to put his fucking plane in the water? And dude, back then,

you know, that was the first, I think, major war where aviation was a factor as far as like, well, in World War I,

they had like the Red Baron and that type of shit but the level of damage that you could do and the japanese considered it like ridiculously they thought they were cowards it's like we're down here on the ground we're in the shit you fly over drop your fucking bombs and then you gotta fly then you get the fly back so they knew that they told the pilots like you know if you caught, don't get caught because they're going to torture the shit out of you. So he fucking put his plane. He told his buddies they had to jump out because he thought he was going to crash.

And when they got out, I think it helped with the weight and balance. And he was able to go over the island and fucking land in the water. And when he got out, he saw the boat of Japanese coming out to get him. And he was 18 years old, 19 years old, choking on oil, crying in the middle of pitch black fucking water as his boat's coming out,

knowing they're coming out to get him specifically to torture him to death. And he said, and then like a movie this periscope came up from an american sub they shot a torpedo knocked out that boat and then they then they surfaced and brought him aboard it's just fuck i don't even you can't even believe it's fucking real that's fly boys i thought i told this fucking story i know i've never heard that. I told this story before.

You just don't listen. Because I remember making the joke saying Flyboys. It sounds – oh, Andrew's saying no? No, you told it on the podcast before, but you haven't talked about Flyboys. Okay. All right, so this book Flyboys, it sounds like it's about like a boy band, which is hilarious, and it was about like these i i don't want to like it was all this classified shit what they did to these pilots do because it goes beyond that it goes beyond

anything you think human beings were able and capable of i'll just put it this way from what i read in the book there was only one army in world war ii that had rules about cannibalism and it was japanese soldiers and their deal was you can't eat another japanese soldier but everything else was on the deli counter so to speak put it that way dude it's a long fucking so anyway george so george bush senior this is this is what the funny fucking thing is because when he was president they made him all out to be like not gonna do it wouldn't be prudent at this juncture dude this dude was a fucking beyond a man um say what you want about his politics or whatever the warren commission whatever your fucking compares

conspiracy theory is this fucking dude did shit at 18 and 19 years old that I could never do in my life. So he was talking about how you would go to battle, you know, and guys trying to shoot you down and you'd fucking, you know, turn. It was basically who could turn a tighter turn and not pass out from the G's to get behind the other guy. And there was this really interesting thing where our planes were heavier, so they could take more. The Japanese were lighter. They couldn't take as much enemy fire, but they could turn a lot tighter. So it was just really like, it's like Joe Rogan breaking down a fight. This guy's good standing up. This guy's good on the ground. So he would say you would go to the fight, you'd come back and you'd go into your

you know your your barracks whatever the fuck you stayed and then like the bunk below you or above you was empty and you knew that that guy didn't come back and you had to mentally just be like he goes you would just think it's not going to happen to me it's going to happen to the other guy here i am talking about the nervousness of doing letterman or stern or opiate anthony the first time this is what these kids were dealing with. And he said, you'd come back and when you landed, I think what you just went through would hit you. And he said, he goes, he got out of his plane one time

and one of the head guys, the admiral or something, came up and he goes, nice flying, son. How you doing? And he said, he opened his mouth and no words came out. And they were like, it's all right. Just go down to sick bay. They'll fix you flying, son. How you doing? And he said he opened his mouth and no words came out. And they were like, it's all right. Just go down to sickbay. They'll fix you up, son. And he said, you'd go down to sickbay and they'd give you two or three fingers of whiskey.

You just do a shot. And he said the funny thing was, was that it worked. So this is what he was dealing with at 18 or 19. And then you go to become president. And they're on, you know, SNL going like, not gonna die. When we put it at this juncture. And what's fucking hilarious is the fact that people still want that job.

That you could do that for this country. And then become, I know that they were just sort of making it up, but he was considered not a strong president, which is complete horseshit. What it was, was, was Barry Hart was supposed to win. His personal life got exposed for the first time. And then it, then Dukakis was like the booby prize. So he didn't fucking win because we'd already had eight years of a Republican. So now it was time to blame Republicans. So now it was going to be eight years of a Democrat, but it wasn't. So then it was 12 years of Republicans before it was eight years of Democrats before we blamed Democrats. And then eight years of Republicans, eight years of Democrats.

This is why Trump's going to win again, I think. And then everybody's going to blame Republicans after his second term and then say, Democrats are the solution rather than we have to hire those Blackwater guys to take out the Federal Reserve bankers and oil companies. That's just my own personal opinion. Not to mention this virus is just something the government's using to control us. Gary Hart. I remember Gary Hart so vividly. I think I was in seventh grade. Did you see the movie they did with Gary Hart?

I was in the fucking thing. You were the fucking reporter, weren't you? You fucking. Has anybody ever walked out of a Zoom podcast? I forgot you were the fucking reporter. No, no, no, no. I want to get down to how forgettable my performance was in that movie. Wait, who was the lead?

I can't remember who the lead was. How dare you? Who played Gary Hart? Fuck you. Who was it? You don't even remember that I was in the fucking movie? I do now. As soon as I said it, I went, God damn it.

What was the name of that movie? Front Runner. Front Runner. That's right. You were great in it, Bill. No, I wasn't. Who was the star of that movie? Gerard.

Was it? J. Parton. J. Parton. J. Parton. J. Parton. J. Parton. J. Parton. J of that movie? Gerard. Was it? C'est Part Deux? Gerard. Front Runner. I'll give you a hint. Wolverine. Wolverine. We die in...

I still don't know that guy's name. You don't know the guy who played Wolverine? It's not Gerard Butler. It's not Gerard Butler? No, it'sverine it's not gerard butler it's not gerard butler no it's wolverine bill is saying jackman yes jk now i'm not offended because if you didn't remember him vera farmiga hugh jackman alfred this is yours truly kevin pollack I remember watching that

all I remember from that movie was that Gary Hart had kind of an open relationship yeah women back then tolerated the fact that if their guy was out there crushing it

I saw this thing on Elvis recently and his wife after Priscilla was just like you know the man had big appetites big appetites for music big appetites for food big appetites for women and she just sort of accepted the fact that it didn't mean anything to him he was coming home to her I don't know what or she was just like I mean I you know if you're gonna live in tennessee this is the place to do it yeah god she just tolerated it i've been mixing up gerard butler and and hugh jackman my entire life hugh jackman is one of the best actors i ever worked with and one of the nicest

fucking guys he's a sweetheart of a guy speaking of aust Australia. It's crazy. They do kind of look alike a little bit. Gerard Depardieu and Hugh Jackman do not look alike. Hugh Jackman and not Gerard. Gerard Butler and Hugh Jackman do look alike. I know the name Gerard Butler. I have to see the thing. I watch a lot of sports. He is.

Gerard Butler was. In the the thing I watch a lot of sports he is Gerard Butler was um in the movie 300 Bill 300 tonight we dine in hell or whatever he said hey did you ever like accidentally call somebody and then they say sorry I missed your call uh give me a call back they're all excited to talk to you and then you got to be like, oh man, I wasn't trying to talk to you. I was drunk. I'm sorry. I had a great idea.

I hit the wrong button. I had no interest in talking to you whatsoever. Sorry. Stan Hope called me yesterday at like two in the morning. I miss that guy. I haven't talked to him. I don't think I've talked to that fucking guy.

I probably talked to him once since we did that end of the world podcast really well he lives in fucking Bisbee oh I talk to him all the time I feel like well you know what that had a little clarification at the end I talk to him all the time I feel like I feel like it's like it's like you I go I, I talk to Bill all the time. I talked to him once. So I talked to you once a week. Yeah. But this is a lot for like an hour and a half. This is like the closest we've ever been. And I can't touch you. You guys want to do some reads?

Yeah. Let's do some reads. Hey, you know, next time we do this, I'll go in my drum room, and I'll show you how far I am along with good times, bad times. Ooh, that would be great. Hey, I'll pull out my guitar, and we'll play a song together. I won't be able to hear what you're... Oh, that's right. Yeah, I don't think we have that kind of technology.

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is to watch the shows but the reason i use express vpn to watch shows is it's ridiculously fast dude i'm not gonna lie this sounds amazing yeah there's never been any buffering or lag you can just stream hd no problem express vpn is also compatible with all your devices your phones media consoles smart tvs computers tablets you name it so you can watch whatever you want on a personal device you name it you name it remember that lady i got beans creams parrots goats motes you name it i don't know that lady uh real church, black church. You never saw that? No, I never saw it. All right.

So you can now watch what you want on any personal device or on the big screen wherever you are. If you visit my special link right now at expressvpn.com slash nobert, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Support the show and watch what you want and protect yourself with ExpressVPN at expressvpn.com slash Bill Burt. Bill Burt, B-I-L-L-B-E-R-T. All right, policy genius, everyone. You know, there are things we look back on and think, how did I get it so wrong? I might be wearing multiple polo shirts and popping all the collars. That's such a great reference that nobody brings up.

That's a good reference. I did that a lot. Donating to Kony 2012 or dating that one person that one time. You know the one. We're always going to get things wrong. That's just life. What do you mean that hooker's dead? I thought she was having fun.

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Amazing head of hair. He really is. He's in great shape. He's a tall guy. He's a nice guy. But I got to tell you, we did a scene in that movie, that one that you forget and don't even remember who was in the fucking movie. When we ran down the alley chasing him, he turned around. And he was pissed that we were following him. He went into Wolverine mode. And I remember this actor said to me, I love that choice you made where you dropped a piece of paper.

It's like that wasn't a choice. We were shooting at two in the morning and I thought he was really mad at me. And I was like, oh, fuck, did I piss off Hugh Jackman? Is this Gary? Is this Hugh? Typical comedian. I don't even know what's going on.

Did he know who you were when you met him? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Who's the most famous person you met him? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Who's the most famous person you've met? You, Bert. You. Even though you deny you're a celebrity. No, dude.

Who's the most famous dude? We watched Brad Pitt last night on the Property Brothers Celebrity IOU. And it was so funny because you forget, oh, that's right. He's Brad Pitt. him on screen is like magical like we're me and the girls are all watching this and we're just smiling and then i said to my wife i go god he's really fucking good she's like yeah you're used to seeing like average people have their home redone not brad pitt like all his choices are to get you to fall in love with him. And Ilo is like, he is so good on this.

And you're like, he's fucking Brad Pitt. No, but I think he's been redoing homes for a long time. No, no, no, no. Just him being like, so this is the space and telling about his friend and hanging out with his friend. Like it wasn't his designing. It was just him being on camera. Oh, he's the coolest guy ever.

Oh my, he's like the coolest. And Quentin Tarantino finally wrote a role. I'm not saying like he, like, you know, Quentin Tarantino finally wrote the role that showed how cool Brad Pitt is. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Because everything else, he's been like cool as shit. But like, come shit, but like,

come on, dude. Once upon a time in Hollywood, that's the man you want to be. You want to be Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, I was more like Leo's character. My favorite thing ever was when Leo made fun of his,

his character made fun of his speech impediment. Is that how you say it? That's fucking hilarious. I can't even say it. And he's just going like, do, do, do, do, do. Fucking Steve. Yeah. It's so subtle that he does it

the way he does the speech impediment. I think that that's like hands down Leo's greatest performance. I fucking love that movie. If you could be one man from one movie, like meaning you could be that character of all times. Ooh. i might be tristan from legends of

the fall brad pitt's character in legends of the fall was just a great fucking character wasn't he just riding around with a horse with his oh no no no no no he he was technically raised by the native american that lived on their land. He taught them how to break horses. And he was just a wild spirit. He, like, at one point after his brother died, he went off and got on a pirate ship and tied himself to the bow and was just smoking hash.

And then fucking, dude, Tristan is probably the best character, one of the best characters Brad Pitt's played. All right. I'd go, I'm older than you so i'd have to go back to charles bronson i knew you were going to say charles bronson charles bronson lee marvin or uh yul brenner with my bald head. Who else did I love back then? I still love all of those guys. Tali Savalas. I've got to name a bunch of bald guys.

Yeah, dude, there's a lot of guys like that, other than saying like the obvious people. Yeah. I'll tell you a guy robert vaughn was a cool guy he just played cool characters now i'm getting out of the topic like who would you want to be i'm just talking about guys that i really liked like actors i actually watched um bullet was on the other day so i saw robert vaughn was in that and i love seeing guys and then seeing the actors that you see were influenced

by him a little bit like they'll do a little mannerism or something like that it's like oh wow I bet so and so watched that person like when I saw Robert Vaughn I was just like I saw a little like uh he said something the way he delivered a line I saw like a little Kevin Pollack thing in there and I was thinking Kevin's about my age he fucking probably grew up watching the same shit i did um and and that's a cool guy to like model your shit off of like do you know who i got the one of the most out of out of anybody as far as comedic acting goes uh joe de rosa not joe de rosa that's funny joe de rosa no joe texted me today saying he was watching, binge-watching Larry Sanders.

Oh, yeah. Dude, Jeffrey Tambor. Ooh. Jeffrey fucking Tambor is one of the greatest comedic actors in the history of anything. Anything. That fucking guy, that scene, when he goes in,

he confronts Larry and he basically, he's in his office and he fucking tells him that he's sick of being the fucking, the boob, the dunce on the show. And he wants to be

treated with respect and Gary's like listening to him, acting like he's really taking him in. And for the first time, seeing him as a peer. And he gets through it. He's pouring his fucking heart out. All right?

And then all of a sudden, you hear Rip Torn laugh. And you realize that the entire time, Larry had put Rip Torn's character on the speaker to listen to Jeffrey Tambor's character pour his so they could laugh about it later. And he was like up here defending the fact that when Wynonna Judd came on the show, he introduced her as the Judd, right? And he was at the peak going like, they were the Judd, she's a Judd! And he was fucking screaming, defending himself.

And then you hear Rip Torn clears his throat or something. And then Gary Shanley has a look on his face like, oh, fuck, he knows. And he brings all of his emotions back down. And he has this look of pain on his face and looks Larry right in the eye and he just goes, see, that's what I'm talking about. you almost like I almost my heart almost broke for him and when he does that performance dude he's he's fucking flailing his arms around so much that his

watch literally comes undone and you know that's not a choice yeah and he stayed in and he fucking pops it back on dude that guy is a fucking beast. He worked with Al Madrigal, I think. Yeah, and that guy, you know what? And what I learned from him when I watched that scene, that scene is everything you ever need to know, I think, as an actor. Like, he is not trying to be funny. He fucking believes every fucking thing he's saying.

And that's why it's so goddamn funny and heartbreaking at the same time. And when you can do that, to me, that's Richard Pryor level shit. Where Richard Pryor is talking about owning monkeys and you're laughing and then all of a sudden they die and then you're almost crying.

That's one of my favorite bits ever it's it's it's it's still it's because he runs the whole gamut of emotions it's literally the the comedy and tragedy which all comics stay in the for the most part in the smiling thing and he he did it he did them both it's like like moments like that or whatever that richard pryor live you know down on long beach Beach in concert, that Jeffrey Tambor thing on Gary Shandler, like those things, like that's like, you know, what you're going for. But the odds of actually that happening on the day and everything just lines up is so fucking rare. Yeah.

Dude, that when he, richard pryor says and then the dog jumped over the thing and he was gonna get on my ass and he said hey rich what's the matter rich that voice i man there are a few things in there are a few things in comedy that i go i want something like that i wish i had something like that i've always loved you do all comics do you just you have to learn like you have to be you have to be ridiculously comfortable with silence to pull that off because they're gonna follow the story oh i love when the dog goes like your monkey's died oh man man i to eat them. And then you just, but that, and that, he just builds you then to a chuckle. I can't remember how he came out of it.

I just remember, but what was great was when I watched. The dog leaves and the dog goes, all right, I'll see you tomorrow. Hey, just so you know, I'm going to be after that ass. Yeah, he can't see you tomorrow. When I saw it, I was so young that I didn't know to take in like the level of genius that i was watching um i'll tell you what's nuts about his work that i never met him but when he died i cried yeah same with chris farley and me that like that's what that's like a level of like it surprised me yeah like I didn't realize I felt like that level of a connection to the guy you feel like you also I mean not to not to be

morbid but think about the connections that me and you had with like Farley and and Pryor imagine when like our generation of podcasters who've been sharing their lives every week with people like when when one of us dies it's going to be like fuck like holy shit like how's his dogs gonna like love that you just put yourself in the same category as prior and fucking far i was i was thinking no i was thinking of like the guys i listened to like oh yeah i wasn't thinking of me i was thinking no i was thinking of like the guys i listened to like oh yeah i wasn't thinking of me i was thinking of like marin rogan like all these guys that i listen to all the time i feel like i mean i'm friends with joe obviously but like i know so

much about him that it's that i've got to bite my tongue being around him because i go i know everything you do i listen to your podcast. And I text with him every day. And that's one thing. But you know a level of things about people. You know, it's like even like you talking last week or the week before about your dog. Like I have, I feel like I was there for your relationship with your dog because I listened to Monday

Morning Podcast and I would listen to you and her and I would listen to like, you do bits on it. So like the level of interaction is so much more blown up now. I'll never get over having to get rid of that dog. It was 100% the right decision and there was a relief when I did it. But dude, I got to tell you, man, I still think of that dog a ridiculous, like a lot. Yeah, dude, a dog, nothing gets in your heart like a dog, man. I mean, obviously kids, but I'm just saying like a dog is just, a dog is basically your fantasy person.

Like what if I came home and no matter what the fuck I did that day, this person was just ridiculously excited to see me. It didn't matter. No matter how much I was down in the dumps, this thing is just like, woohoo! And whatever you wanted to do, they wanted to do. And then the simplest things pleased them. You want to go outside?

Oh, boy, do I. I mean, it's the greatest fucking thing ever. Do you want a treat? Yeah, this guy's the greatest. All they want to do is fucking please you. It's amazing. So, anyways, listen, I got to get running here

because my kiddo's going to be getting up soon. All right, buddy. All right, Bert. Thank you for hanging out with me. Is it going to be weird when this whole thing's over and we're actually taught? We're going to be all grumpy. I can't believe I had to drive all the way over to the studio. First thing I'm going to do is smoke a cigar and have a drink.

All right. Well, I smoke one cigar. I think I'm going to do one every other month. So whenever this thing clears – You smoke another one? Yeah, I quit January 13th, and then Verzi came out, and I smoked one with them at a Lakers game March 3rd. So then I think in May – I mean, if I can't handle six fucking cigars a year,

I mean, what the fuck? I said to someone the other day, I said, I haven't been drinking. I said, what's even more powerful is if I have had one drink. Like to say I haven't drank in a month is one thing, but to say, oh no, I've had like two drinks in the month. And they're like, you drank twice? No, no, no, no. Two actual drinks. That's even more powerful. So that's my goal is to get to a place where I can have a drink in the middle of the afternoon and then not, we need one for the rest of the day.

Yeah. No, that's like the, uh, that's like total self control. I just don't, uh, yeah, I don't, I don't,

I don't have the confidence because I tried doing that like eight or nine times, eight or nine times. I quit drinking like for a year, three months, a hundred days, 30 days. And I'm going back this time you know

i'm gonna have a beer if i want to have a beer and that's gonna be it i'm gonna get a really nice beer i'm going to savor it and that would happen two three times and then it became two three and that voice in the back of the head come on man let's fucking ramp it up i love getting fucked up so i can't you know i love it yeah i want to do it burke that's why i don't do it i fucking love getting fucked up whatever Whatever kills you, I love. Motorcycles, helicopters, cigars, booze, whatever the fuck you got. And I'm jealous of people that fucking dropped dead at 50 who just said, you know what? This thing has power over me and I'm just staring into it. Let's fucking do it. And they enjoy every fucking, they just fucking shooting up. They enjoy every fucking second do it. And they enjoy every fucking, they just fucking shooting up. They enjoy every fucking second of it.

God bless them. There's nothing to be said about that. It's a very green way to live. Get yourself the fuck out of the way. Yep, I'm getting on the treadmill. Getting on the treadmill? I'm going to go play drums. I got a half hour.

I got, no, I got 28 minutes before the cutie pie gets up and then I got to fucking, I got to go back to being dead. All right, buddy. All right. I'll see you next week. Bye, Bert.

Bye, Andrew. Thank you. Bye, everybody. Thanks for watching the pill. Bert. Pod. Cast. We switched it up.

All right, see you. See you you guys.