The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 12

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about inflated stats, vengeance, and showboating.

Do the intro. Me? Yeah, yeah, do the intro. I've hidden my view. No, no, do the intro. Welcome to the Bill Bird podcast. Episode 12. This may or may not be the beginning of the episode.

Continue. Continue. may not be the beginning of the episode continue i got drunk everybody yeah burke got drunk he's back on the wagon and we were talking about the best drunks we ever had what are we gonna do i was telling you because you've been tracking your sleep dude i'm like that information just doesn't go to you. The company that uses that device keeps that and then they sell it to people that they find that interesting. And here's the thing. If you're getting great sleep and all that type of shit, they're not going to give you a better rate. They're not going to give you the right rate. They'll give you maybe a better rate. But if

you're getting if you're not getting good deep sleep, they'll attribute that to a bunch of fucking health problems you're going to have in Are you saying they sell it to insurance companies? Yeah. Fitbits, all of that shit. They have this information. What do they say? Information is king or it's power or whatever. They have it.

They sell all of that shit. They sell all of it. That would fucking suck if you took a life insurance exam and they're like, so hold on, we're going to pull up your Fitbit report. You've been logging less than 2,000 steps a day for about a month. What happened last week? I don't think they're going to be like transparent like that. I love using that word.

I don't think they're going to be transparent like that. I just think that they'll just have, they'll know. They know what they're fucking walking into because the worst thing for an insurance company is a guy that looks like he's healthy, you know, and they, a low rate, high policy payout. And then the fucking guy drops dead because he has some sort of thing. So they've been, that's the only way that they've been getting burned. Cause other than that, they hold all the cards and they fuck everybody over. But even when they get burned on that, then they just raise my rate a little bit and everybody else's. So they cover their fucking asses. So now what I think that they want to do is fuck everybody and be able to

know that you're going to drop dead in a week, but still get one payment out of you and then act like they didn't fucking know. That's my conspiracy theory. That is, well, you're the one that I stopped saying certain things in the house because of fucking Alexa.

Dude, you, you, you've bugged your own house. You're the one that told me that. You're like, you put bugs in. I remember saying, oh, yeah, there's Alexa. And you're like, you got bugs in your house? And I was like, what? Hey, dude, if you're having a serious fucking conversation, if you're playing in some rebel shit, do not be in a room with a flat screen tv a computer any

technology go in your garage fucking turn some fucking music on i'm waiting for the day for uh someone from the government to walk in and go alexa pull up how many times burt kreischer mentioned the name donald trump and you're like oh no no no no no no no. Dude my favorite fucking thing ever now after he was sort of suggesting to inject yourself with household cleaners I just sit there and I listen to Trump supporters just going like you're still supporting this is still your guy this is still your guy there There's a fucking pandemic. And the president of the United States,

the guy with his finger on the button just said, I mean, we could do it. He's basically, and I've been trying to be neutral in all of this fucking shit. Okay. Cause I am, I, I,

I, not nobody on the Democrat side excites me, but I got to admit to, I mean, I just, he should just step aside, let Mike Pence run the fucking thing. That guy is like, he's on, that guy's on the ball.

You might not agree with him, but that guy is on the fucking ball. He's sharp as a tack. He doesn't scare me as far as like, like Donald Trump reminds me of what's his, Martin Sheen's character in The Dead Zone zone the birds are away

what's what's the dead zone I forget the dead zone oh my god that's that Christopher Walken one where he'd shake your hand oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and he he knew you never it was never anything good um but so then wait explain to me this because you probably know more about this than i do i probably don't but i will definitely give you an explanation i feel horrible for this girl tara reed now obviously i want biden to be president i'm going to vote for him probably but it's kind of fucking shitty that the me too movement was believe all women yes all women believe all women and now conveniently they've kind of ignored this person accusing biden because it's like it seems like all women were behind each other and then this tara reed comes out and goes biden sexually assaulted me and everyone's like but you know what

easy bitch like we're not now not now let's bring you should have brought this up a few months ago when we were all doing it now we've changed you know does that make sense it's called politics burke it's fucking ridiculous because if she said anything about trump that she would be like she would have a comeback so here's the thing the whole thing was flawed first of all believe all women and all of that that was the joke i was doing it's now you're suggesting that all women are are honest that's not that's not even that would be like saying all guys are honest that they women would easily laugh at that but you can't the reason you have a judicial system the reason why you have due process and all of that is because people have agendas people lie people are fucking crazy

and then on the other side people are victims people get take advantage of there's fucking monsters out there there's there's there's the whole fucking reason but you have to sift through all of it and beyond a shadow of a doubt that's how the fuck it works what happened was was men weren't listening to women at all. And they were getting away with horrible shit. Right. And then understatement. And then the court came off the bottle and then it,

you know, and then it became like anything a woman says, that means it happens. And because of that, you know, I think there's obviously there was a couple of fucking people where it was just like, dude, that just sounded like a bad date or that that was just a bad relationship and all of a sudden they got thrown in the harvey weinstein pile and had to fucking plot how do i make a

comeback when they didn't really do anything so i think and then now you have an election comes right and all of the media which was without a doubt left wing yeah out of fucking doubt which back in the day wasn't the worst thing to give the little guy a voice but like it's some they've somehow they became like the bullies i don't know what happened like in in the 2000s it was like the republicans were the bullies and then i feel like and now in the last, I don't know, six, seven years, it just kind of became like, you know, as a liberal, I was looking at a lot of shit like, what the fuck are we doing? When did we start telling people how to raise their kids?

When did we start telling people what to think? When did we start like going like, hey, if you don't think the way I think, I'm going to try to systematically destroy your ability to make a living. I mean, that's not liberal by any, that's, that's, that's not even conservative. That's just like fascism. Is that the right term? I don't know what it is. But if Joe Biden did that shit, I'd feel horrible for Tara Reade. If he didn't do it, then I think that she should be prosecuted. Yeah. She can walk around trying to destroy somebody if they didn't do anything. And if you did some shit, then I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. I didn't see that story, though. Yeah, it's funny, man, because I guess I saw that Alyssa Milano, who I fucking have always had a crush on. I think Alyssa Milano is so cute. I mean, cute's a weird thing to say to about a woman but like i'm just gonna let you stammer through all of this yeah fuck her why what happened listen dude i don't want to talk i i don't know who any bad about her she

but she's supporting biden and then she got kind of trashed like everyone was like but but what sucks is it's not like she didn't she didn't back to our read yeah Everyone was like... What sucks is it's not like... She didn't back Tara Reade? It's not the right people trashing her. It's alt-right trolls trashing her. We were like, come on. Jesus, fuck. The internet is so...

How the fuck are you in that world? Dude, I have... What fucking website were you on where you know what's going on with Tara Reade and Alyssa Milano in extreme right- I've spent way too much time online these last three days. Oh, you want to know what I did online yesterday?

What? I compiled all of the, it bothers me that the NFL does not count NFL titles. What do you mean? They just don't count them. They only count Super Bowls. Once the AFL and the NFL officially merged,

that was like the New Testament, and they just hit reset, and they cleared all the past away. So now, because they only count Super Bowls, like they say that the Steelers and the Patriots are the most successful franchises of all time. And it's just simply not the case. The Yankees of

the NFL are the fucking Green Bay Packers. They won like 11 NFL titles and three Super Bowls. Meaning they won their division and they won the NFC. No.

No. Okay, Bert. Before the AFL existed, it was just the NFL. Okay. Okay? And the NFL. You're talking about Jets versus Colts. No.

Jets were an AFL team. Right. But but before that it was just the nfl yeah they were rival leagues before afl started in 1960 the nfl started in like 1925 it was a number of leagues and then they all got on the same page sometime when the providence steamrollers fucking won a title. I see what you're saying. What I'm saying is every other fucking sport, as a Bruins fan, I have to listen to Canadians fans say they got 22 fucking Stanley Cups, whatever the fuck they got, knowing that their first five, they were playing pond hockey, you know, and the Stanley Cup was the size of a fucking shot glass.

I understand what you're saying. And here's the thing so tom brady you know they were saying you know is he the greatest of all time when he only had three three rings only but he had three rings and i'm going well joe montana had four and only took him four attempts to get four right then he gets four now they're tied then he gets five and he gets number six and he's like okay without a, without a doubt, it's this guy. But at no time during Is Brady the Best did anybody ever bring up Bart Starr. And Bart Starr won five NFL titles in the first two, they were called AFL-NFL title games that then became Super Bowls. So that guy won seven championship games, five in his own superior league and two against the upstart league, which I mean, if you want to say those are 50% because they were an

upstart league, whatever. But it's just like, for some reason, they don't count that shit. So I just find that fascinating because like Yankee fans sit there and they rattle off these stats by Babe Ruth, who played in like a fucking beer league. I mean, you're telling me that a fat guy who ate hot dogs and fucked hookers on trains could show up at an MLB game and either throw you a no-hitter or hit five home runs. And that's what that athlete looked like. And ever since then, nobody has even come close to that i never thought about that it wasn't working yeah guys back then dude if there was a double header it's like burt you're pitching and you'd pitch all 18 innings

dude this is where the league was back then. When those guys played, there was a guy in the league who kept a section of rope from an actual lynching as a good luck charm. This is when these fucking guys played. And then you got to sit there and look. Hank Greenberg, 190

RBIs. Get the fuck out of here. And Barry Bonds on Roids can't do that? Can't even come close? He didn't get within 50 of that. Get the fuck out of here. Okay? But here's the thing. I'm not saying Babe Ruth couldn't play in any era, but he either would have been a pitcher or a fucking hitter. There's no goddamn way. There's no fucking way you're going to be throwing no hitters when Cy Young's and hit 700 home runs that is softball league stats yeah so okay but here's the thing they are counted so no one has been able to ask answer this fucking question I love this I never thought I never thought that Babe Ruth

would would just simply would not be what he was then today because he's just eating hot dogs in the middle of the game and just babe ruth would have played in any era would have been a hall of famer in any era he's one of the greatest players of all time however his stats are grossly inflated yeah there's a reason he hit all those fucking home runs there was no pedro there was no josh gibson he wouldn't even let sandy koufax in go play in the jewish leagues hey they i mean was over i honestly think that i could have made the st louis Browns or at least gotten the fucking tryout. If you put me in a time machine right now at 51. All people of color, all Latinos out of the sport. Out of here.

Out of here. That's got to open the door for me. I love this. Take all of this with a grain of salt. But my thing is it's like, fine. It's not Babe Ruth's fault when he fucking played okay but if you look at the NBA there was like the the BBA and the NBL and then when they combined that was the NBA and that's when it started except if you're the Lakers and you still count a fucking

BAA championship as an NBA championship. I will never get past that. The Lakers count, the Lakers somehow won an NBA championship before the NBA even existed. But here's the thing with the NFL, the NFL absorbed the AFL. They fucking absorbed them. And it was still called the NFL. It's not like the AFL and the NFL combined and then became something. It was still the NFL. Yeah. When the NBA absorbed the ABA and took like four or five of those teams, the Celtics, the Lakers, the fucking San Francisco Warriors, whoever the fuck won before that, all got to keep their titles.

They all counted against like, you know, like to this day, when they talk about the guys who won the most championships ever, they'll talk Bill Russell on the Celtics and Yogi Berra on the Yankees. And they count all of those fucking things. So I don't understand. So there's like very little talk about it. And I know no one's going to give a fuck, but I went back and was just looking up all of these old quarterbacks. Here's one for you. The Pittsburgh Steelers in 1955 had Johnny Unitas and they let him go. Then they had an old Bobby Lane who had already won three with the fucking Lions.

It's just, and there was, oh, here's one for you. Do you know there was a football team that played in the Boston Braves stadium called the Boston Yanks? They lasted four seasons in the NFL before folding. They were the Boston Yanks. Then they moved to New York and became the New York Bulldogs. Then they switched to the New York Yanks. And both the Giants and the New York Yanks played football in Yankee Stadium. The Giants didn't want to share a stadium with them. So they went over to Shea, I think, something like that. No, Shea wasn't around. They played somewhere else, maybe the polo grounds or something. And then they still were going under. So a group of people in Dallas bought them and called them the Texans for one year. And then they folded. That was 53. And then in 1960, the AFL started and the AFL stole that name

and they had the Dallas Texans. So the NFL laughed at the AFL, but they still tried to fuck over the AFL. The most, the owner with the most money was Lamar, Lamar Hunt, and he owned the Dallas Texans. So, so the NFL put an NFL franchise in Dallas to fuck with his gate. And, and the Minnesota Vikings were an AFL team and they asked the Vikings if they wanted to join the NFL which they then did and jumped ship. So they fucked with the biggest the guy with the deepest pockets in the AFL and they absorbed one team

just to fuck over the AFL. And what happened was the AFL couldn't compete in an NFL city because you could go watch the Cowboys get the shit kicked out of them but watch Jim Brown run over them or see a bunch of nobodies in the AFL. So they ended up moving to Kansas City and they became the Chiefs. And now you know the rest

of the story. That's what I've been doing. Wait, what started this? What started this? What started you going, wait, hold on. Missing sports. Well, I've been arguing this for years, but just missing sports and then not knowing enough of my sports history in the 50s and 60s. I mean, I can name all the Super Bowl champions, but now I can go back with NFL titles. I can name every fucking champion. Not AFL. I'm getting to that.

But I can name it since 1947. I can name them all. I think it's good for your brain. It's good for the memory. I'm old. I like that premise. I could play professional football had it been back then, baseball. One time I had a theory that the intelligence, that Jesus was only around when Jesus was around, there was only like 15,000 people on the earth. So there wasn't that many people. So to get famous with 15,000 people, it's like being famous at college.

And so, uh, I, I got obsessed with trying to find out the average IQ of the, of people at Jesus's time, like wondering if people were dumber back then, if there was a possibility that he just had, like I say, like a hundred IQ, but everyone else had 70s. And so it wasn't that he was a messiah. He just happened to be smarter than everyone.

And so I was Googling IQ tests in biblical times. The IQ test wasn't invented until like fucking the 60s. Yeah, I was going to say. There's no fucking way. I was such an idiot i'm googling what was i what was the average iq of a of a shepherd and you know what the fact that you googled that that information got shared and that's something your life insurance is going to go up bill you want to hear the dumbest thing i've ever ever ever thought I tweeted I tweeted this yesterday and I had to take it down because uh because people called me racist but the joke it was a joke originally but at first I'm watching

the news and they're saying that Kim Jong-un is uh is probably dead and then they said his sister uh I forget her name but it's kim kim kim song something and i thought for a second i thought fuck they all have the first the same first names they're all named kim like how fucking confusing was that house and then i realized oh it's their last names right like in korean they go last names first. So then I tweeted it as a joke. Like how narcissistic of Kim Jong-il to name all his kids after him. It's like George Foreman, right? No one got the joke. Silly joke.

That was called racist? Everyone called it racist. Everyone called it racist. It was up for like 15 minutes. What happened is I tagged. I wrote all the names of his siblings. I put him in there. And then the last one was Kim Jong joke or whatever,

like just so people knew it was a joke. And, uh, and because I tagged Kim Jong on, it got into all the people talking about Kim Jong on that were very passionate Korean nationalists, South Koreans who, you know. All right. That's not going to happen. Yeah, so they got it. The Yankee fans watching this thing are going to flip out about me

saying that shit. And once I said it, I said, you know, the same way Kim Jong-un could have been a dictator in any era, Babe Ruth could have played in any era. But you've got to dial those stats way the fuck down. Will Chamberlain is not scoring 100 points in a fucking game. That string bean is not. Well, I guess that's not fair to say because he could have had today's workout regimen or whatever.

I don't know. That would be interesting if they did a sliding scale of like the average height of an NBA player versus when they played. So you could find out. This is a movie. This is a movie. We should write this movie. It's two shithead guys have a fucking argument in a sports bar and said, dude, I could make the fucking St. Louis Browns.

They get in a fucking time machine and they go back. And then right before I get, I get my – right before we both get our tryouts, I get polio and you get Lou Gehrig's disease. It's hot tub time machine meets heaven can wait. And you just go dark. Or? We don't make the team and then you get drafted into World War I. It just goes off the fucking rails.

Or one of us gets polio, Lou Gehrig's disease, drafted, but the other one is so overwhelmed with his white privilege that he's like a kid in a candy store. He doesn't know what to do. He beats his wife. He starts a business. He doesn't want to go back. I don't want to go back.

I love it here. He gets polio. He goes out and he buys the first Harley Davidson. Do you know how much this is going to be worth? It's like, dude, you're going to be dead by then.

Oh. Oh. Jay Leno's going to buy this in fucking 90 years. Jay Leno. Oh. I do. Yeah, you could definitely. Yeah, you could do some damage if you went back in the day.

Just I mean, that was the greatest thing that I the thing that I love most about Back to the Future was that was how Biff just took the sports almanac and went out and just bet all the games, which is the exact thing a meathead like me would do. That would be my yearly income, and I would be really, really like, you'd have to be like real subtle about it. All right? I'd hit them big every five years, but I'd lose four years in a row.

Yeah. I wouldn't lose a lot, but I'd lose enough, and I'd be, ah, gee, ah, whatever, right? Oh. Yeah. And then I'd fucking., but I'd lose enough and I'd be, ah, gee, ah, whatever, right? Ah. Yeah. And then I'd fucking- Why and right?

Who saw that? I'd kill him because I got it memorized. I know who won. Yeah. I know in 1947, the Chicago Cardinals won the NFL title. And then I know the Eagles won the next two years. And then, of course, it was the Browns and then the Rams. Then two years of the Lions, two years of the Browns.

56 was the Giants. 57 was the Lions. I would crush it. 58, 59. I'd go to the fucking game. Greatest fucking game ever. Two for Johnny Unitas. 1960s.

Fly, Eagles, fly. 61, 62. Bart Starr and the Packers. 63 is the fucking, that's the Bears, then the Browns. Three-peat. Three-peat for the Packers. And then you start, you know, and they also won the AFL. You know, and I can just fucking go from there.

I want to see. Packers, Packers, Jets, Chiefs, Bulls, Cowboys, Dolphins, Dolphins, Steelers, Steelers, Raiders. I want to see a short film. Fucking Rain Man. I want to see a short film directed by Andrew starring you and your family. And it's when your child takes her first steps and your wife's like, oh my God, oh my God, Bill. And you're just going through all the winning teams of the Super Bowl. Packers. Packers. Then it was

a nine. You know what's so fucked up is I can't get enough of sports history and I don't give a shit really about today did you okay something happens go ahead that's a great point because I could give two fucking shits about the draft but if you show me a draft from 1982 where it's like Dan Marino, fucking John Donnelly. 83? Yeah, definitely 83. I get so excited, and I watch the whole thing going, I know that guy. Yeah, no, that's like, I can't get enough of that shit. I feel like I should know the players more than I do, but like I also got, you know, I got busy, got married, had kids and fucking, you know,

fucking, you know, what do you call it? The, telling my jokes there. You know, I was thinking the other day, I was trying to think of my act.

I can't, I forget about my opening joke. I can remember one bit. Oh. Rubble. I got, I videotaped my last month of shows. So I have them all on tape.

I just got to watch them. That's kind of worse. I'd rather try to remember what I did rather than watch myself. I might want to remember it, too, because I know I'm going to get up. If I haven't done my act in a while and I try to remember it, I fuck it up and I make it better usually. Dude, you know what's scary about all of that? What?

Is just think about everybody is getting worse at what they do commercial airline pilots not getting the stage time they need oh god that's not what i want to think of did you like the shaky hand doctor for kim jong-un did you hear about that oh yeah because if the guy dies, they're going to throw him naked to the fucking dogs. According to the U.S. propaganda, he did that to one of his relatives. What's that? I don't want to repeat that.

A couple of North Korean come over here, and you see they fucking spray that shit on you, and that's it? Johnny Hecker, the kicker. Who are those two women? That was a fucking movie. They went and they tried to spray some shit on this guy and kill him and they got caught they killed his brother that way

did you see that they killed Kim Jong Un's brother he was in an airport they came up and sprayed a chloroform in his face went in and killed him right away immediately don't say what it is somebody's gonna have that in a carnation like like the original batman series yeah um hang on i gotta get this fucking computer's getting hot here it's interesting you say that about sports i can watch the documentary this football life when it about a player i can watch

any of them and any of them they all fucking excite me and get me mesmerized i watched fucking carson palmer the other day like i've never been a huge carson palmer fan but i walked away going carson palmer figured out the the keto life. Like, he figured it out. Like, God. I love all of that shit. And it always motivates me to do something. Yeah. Go to the gym.

Fucking try a new 10 minutes. Like, it's kind of like, it's weird because they don't do what we do. But the same thing, they're going after what they want in life, which anybody who's a stand-up comedian, it's like you went after it. You don't just end up, I guess I'll be a comedian, you know? Yeah. Speaking of which,

I want to talk to you about, I didn't get to watch you and Chappelle and Neil and Donnell. That was fun. I don't think Zoom was up to the, how quick shit was going, but like, yeah, we kind of all just in our own way,

we're making fun of Don L. I was probably the most over, cause he, you know, he's Don L. He's gonna, he's like, Don L is like the youngest kid in the back of the station wagon.

Yeah. He's going to just be shouting up there, trying to get some fucking attention. Neil was sort of walking around his house like uh bill gates and uh i was doing my usual weird angle shit and then dave chapelle of course was the funniest guy out there yeah chapelle's fucking great with a hundred thousand dollars that's great thank you to everybody who uh participate you know some fucking asshole she wrote she goes i will i saw on twitter afterwards just get it you know i always read like 10 or 15 to the first real negative one i got well you know we went 14 and 1 and we went

13 and 3 that's all right some woman wrote i will ask again what are the comedians giving and i so wanted to write back, well, didn't you take the hint the first time when no one gave a fuck? Like, I just love, I love it. I will ask, like this big, grandiose statement. And that's one of my favorite things

as far as like, how like the big thing during this pandemic is to be making fun of celebrities that are tone deaf and their big houses. And there's this hatred towards these people. It's just like, I don't understand that. It's like, these people were you. They weren't born into wealth.

They took all of their chips and they put it on the 200,000 to one and it came in these people were you is they were yeah yeah and now because they have a bigger kitchen than you they're somehow tone deaf but you're not the way you perceive them is is right on the money and because your fucking horse hasn't come in yet, somehow you're like, I don't know what, a more honorable person? I don't, I just, I don't understand any of that shit.

I don't understand when they make fun of, like they're always like when celebrities get like Botox and shit, they're making fun of them and blah, blah, blah. And they're all phony and they're all plastic but then you look on twitter and all these regular joe six-packs all they do is trash people in the public eye who are getting older and what the fuck they look like and they divorce themselves from the fact that they're like a part of the whole thing now the whole thing just like fascinates me that you could just hate somebody

because they moved out here with a fucking you know a headshot and suddenly got you know work their ass off work their fucking ass off and got a tv show now they have a nicer kitchen than you so now you automatically hate them now having said that what kind of a fucking asshole with a million dollar kitchen is sitting there dancing around during a pandemic trying to cheer you up and forgets that they were in a fight. I understand that aspect of it, but I'm getting a little bit, I'm getting a little fucking tired of the regular Joe acting like they're, that they're a fucking saint because they're not.

Yeah. They're not. Well, it's, I mean, most, most of the comics that hosted gave money. And so. Forget about that. How about taking care of people in your fucking family uh in-laws all kinds of shit there's all kinds of fucking if you're making anybody if you're a successful plumber you're helping out people you're doing that and then also what we're fucking

donating our time dude yeah man it's fucking i'm not gonna get into it okay but believe me i've been donating yeah that's, that's what's frustrating. And I'm doing fucking benefits. So I so wanted to go, but I knew that she wanted me to fucking respond, and that would get her my followers. She's just a troll. A perfect troll just wants you to, like, I think that's what's wrong with that Korean tweet of mine,

is it was that I was trolling idiots who didn't know what I didn't know five minutes ago so I was making a joke of morons who would go uh uh Bert their last name comes first and then I go yeah fuck face that's the joke that's a troll a troll just wants your response the point is I'm not a troll I don't like that shit I don't enjoy trolling like it fucking gives me anxiety so I had to pull my shit down but all that woman wants is you because if she gets your response then she always think it's a bad move to pull your shit down because then then it comes off like you you meant it in a bad way no no I just didn't want to deal with fucking I didn't want to deal with people like like I said it was a smart move I think you made a good move yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Bill.

It's interesting because then you go, so what is the – like people were shitting on – I sent you – I love that you can do like an hour show, even over Zoom. It is like, what are you giving? What do you mean what am I giving? I just made you fucking laugh for an hour. Yeah. I just did my job. Well, Dave Chappelle and Bill Burr, not knocking Neil and Donnell.

I think they're fucking brilliant. But what is arguably two of the biggest specials on Netflix, you and Dave last year, this year, are on a Zoom for over an hour. And she's like, yeah, but what do they give? You're like, oh, fucking come on. You just got to just. I know, because then you put me in a position to show you the money that I have been giving and the people I give it to, which I'm not going to fucking do, which is not the point

of giving something. You're supposed to give something because you want to do it because it's the right thing. Not so you can fucking parade around about what the fuck you're doing. You're fucking tweeting cunt. Sorry, I had to get it out of me. They were shitting on Post Malone for doing that Nirvana. I sent that to you. Did you see Post Malone playing Nirvana?

I love Post Malone. Dude, it was awesome. I got to be honest with you. I didn't expect much out of it. First of all, he plays amazing guitar, and I could watch Travis Barker play drums all fucking day. Yeah, Travis Barker is a beast. And you know what?

Both of those guys are ridiculously talented but the mistake they made is they got ridiculously successful and a lot of people liked them so hence you just get a ton of shit yeah that's so right because i i and by the way i travis barker retweeted one of my videos on Instagram about me video him showing how great he was. But I will say you're so right. You get lost in the brand of Travis Barker, meaning you don't think of him too much as a drummer, more of a celebrity, right? No, I think of him as a fucking killer drummer. The regular person, not you.

You're a drummer. The regular person just goes, oh, Travis Parker, Blink-182. He's like a DJ or something. Or, you know, MTV reality show. He's got a reality show. You forget, oh, no, this guy is a fucking amazing drummer. No, he's not a drummer. And what I like, too, is he likes old Cadillacs.

And I'm a big fan. Like the 67 Eldorado, that's my car when I walk away from all of this shit, when I become a slumlord and I take advantage of Joe's six-pack and I'm tone deaf, that's what I'm riding around in. I'm coming out with a big cigar. Give me my fucking rent. I don't give a fuck if there's a pandemic. I'm going to have a top hat.

Laughing like the penguin. But I want to get a fucking – there's a there's one if you google 67 cadillac eldorado there's this one that's like i googled it that's a car i want it's a it's a dude look at the the back end of that car is the pinnacle of right now of of a man car you just gotta the rear end on that car. It's the meanest, coolest fucking, I fucking love that car. Oh, that is a great car. 67 Eldorado Cadillac for sale. $23,000 in Long Beach.

You know what happened was De Niro blew that car up literally in Casino. And I think because he had it, kind of woke up a whole new generation to it. Because when I was a kid in high school, you'd get that fucking car for nothing. And it was already a classic. Yeah, Travis Barker's car. Travis Barker's a really interesting fucking guy. It was really cool to see him drum. When I was drinking

on friday night i watched that whole uh whatchamacallit of him and post malone and it was so good but it's so cool seeing someone do something that they're naturally gifted at doing it's just do you think if you played drums with Travis Barker, you'd walk away with anything? Or would it just? I would walk away with what I already knew, that he's way better at this than I am. No, I would, yeah, no, I learned, you know, I learned from every single drummer that I ever watch,

I learned something. And what I love about him is the energy that that guy puts out in his show is fucking incredible. God. And it just seems like every show he does that. And then also his drum parts are incredible. And there's a lot of like, the fuck is it like clouds or some shit on the side of me? There's a lot of, you know, with the internet now, because, you know, back in the day,

when I, when I first tried to learn how to play drums, I mean, you were at the mercy of the talent you were born with and who was in your neighborhood. And if there was somebody, hopefully that was, you know, better than you, but could show you something, you could get better, you know, maybe get a drum teacher or something like that. But like now with the internet, you can basically, you know, the whole world, you can, you can watch what they're doing. People break it down. Dude, back in the day when I was trying to figure out whatever fucking song I was figuring out, you'd slow the record player down or just keep rewinding the tape until you fucked it up.

Like now, you can go on the internet and there's like a zillion guys will break down the whole thing. Not saying it's always, most times it's not correct, but it's correct enough that you can fake it. But there's other times where like literally the person who played it will be like, okay, let me get a lot of emails about this. I mean, I just kind of did it. So I went back and listened. This is how I'm doing.

Literally, the guy who played it will break it down. Like all these years of me trying to get my foot as fast as John Bonham, which I don't know if the hell it fucking happened. If he lived or if the internet was out back then, he would have just been like, oh, right, here's good times, bad times. I'm doing a fucking heel toe or a slide or whatever. So the point I'm trying to get to is because everybody has access to all this information.

Like it really gets about, becomes about chops and how fast you're going in in the the technique how technical what you're playing is and all playing for the song and all of that goes out the window and what happens is that's why guys who play for the song who are fucking incredible people just go they're lame and blah blah blah blah blah like you know there's one thing to listen to somebody play something and then you sit down and you can play it it's like that's like that's like whatever but like to actually be the guy that came up with it that's the talent so I don't know so they say that Neil Peart from Rush is the best drummer ever.

Who's they? The internet. I just Googled best rock drummers. They said Neil Peart. Is Rush the best drum solos? Is Rush? Now that I say that, I think of Rush. And they've definitely-

It depends on what you're into. If you're into that type of music, people would say that. Like, you know, as far as like what you're into if you're into that type of music people would say that like you know as far as like what i'm into like i i my thing is dude there's a video remember steve gadd i was telling you about yeah i found this other one um the name of the video steve gadd crazy army transcribed and it's him doing a version of that classic solo. But in the middle of it, he breaks up playing like drum grooves. And my whole thing is like some guy blazing around a kit is fucking amazing and all that type of shit. But at the end of the day, what does this guy sound like?

Like when he plays with the band and the best one ever by himself just playing a groove and that's like the biggest thing for me if i just hear a drummer playing by himself just playing a simple groove and and the second i hear it i just go oh or it makes the hair stand up on your arms like those guys are the best guys now when i was I was younger... Like Phil Collins, Heat of the Night? Dude, Phil Collins is one of the greatest drummers of all time. He's a victim of his frontman pop star success of the 80s that people just know him as a singer who gets behind the kit once a night and goes, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. That guy is a monster. That's one of the most That guy is a monster. That's one of the most recognizable drum beats ever.

Like if you hear, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, dum-tsh. Like that is so recognizable that when you think of music, you go, you know, something like that, like you were saying, it's something that's so simple, but yet so identifiable. You're like, oh, wow, that's fucking amazing.

I mean, technically, it's an easy fill to play, but there's no way I would have thought to do that. He does that. The 80,000 people in an arena air drum along with him. It's like Kenny Aronoff, that fucking drum fill in Jack and Diane. Like, you can sit down and figure out how to do that but can you come up with it that's in the studio everybody fucking looking at you that's a great drum fill i never even thought of that that's a great drum fill so let it rock

let it roll it changes the energy of the song yeah just fucking and then brings it back it's a weird drum fill and it almost feels like it's coming out of time and then he comes right back on one i mean it's it's that's what makes kenny aronoff kenny aronoff and me and me me still playing in my fucking garage do you ever think do you ever think of applying any of that like wouldn't it be cool no i look i'm just talking i'm talking broad brush right now broad brush we love broad brush i just talking broad brush right now. Broad brush. We love broad brush. I was talking broad brush with Babe Ruth. Broad brush.

I said I could make the fuck, I could get a trial with the St. Louis Browns. That's as broad as the brush gets. Who became the Baltimore Orioles, by the way. The original Baltimore Orioles moved to New York City, became the New York Highlanders, and then became the New York Yankees. This pandemic has to end. Do you ever think when you do stand up, do you ever think,

you know, you said something so long that stuck in my head about continuing to grow as a comic and challenge yourselves and not just do what you're good at, but try to do other things like add in an act out, add in other things and create and, and get better as a comic, not just stay in that box of what got you to the dance. And do you ever think, and I do sometimes, I think this might be almost frustrating,

but like, wouldn't it be cool to have something in a joke like that drum fill in Jack and Diane that totally shifted the energy, took you to somewhere. And like, does that make sense to you? Do you ever think about it? Yeah, what you're talking about is you do that with your voice. You can do that with silence. That's like, in music, that's like dynamics.

Like dynamics is just like, you know, like if you were just playing no accents, there's like, you know, play like if you were just playing that, that, that, that, that, that no accents, there's like, you know, all one sound. It's kind of like when, when you talk, if somebody just talks flat monotone like that, you get bored. And the same thing with like music. Like if you play a drum fill, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, bash or da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, you can be like, you start doing that. it's more interesting to listen to so with comedy

all of that shit like i became a better comic when i tried to become a better drummer i became a better drummer when i got better as a comic the same rules apply where i was just sitting downstairs playing drums forever just trying to play what other guys played. And it finally took me like 12 years of being a comic where I was like, wait a minute. If I applied that same work ethic to comedy, I would have been a joke thief. I would have just been doing what,

I would have been saying what was already said. So as far as like, if you talk about that Kenny Aronoff, drum fill, the thing that changes the room, you can do that like by being super silly, super silly, and then all of a sudden it goes sad or it goes dark or you drop your voice. And that's, if you watch Sam Kinison, that Richard Pryor, that bit we were talking about

when his monkeys died, you watch Sam Kinison, that Richard Pryor, that bit we were talking about when his monkeys died, that is a territory where I think so many more comics could do it, but don't because what it involves you of letting go of all of this energy that you've now created, that the standard way of doing standup is you create this rolling laughter and then you ride that wave all the way into the beach, step off the board, I killed, right? Yeah. The thing is, is to be up there in the middle of it

and all the other comics are watching you because you're killing and then you let go of this energy and it just disappears like a gas. It just goes into the atmosphere and now you've go of this energy. And it just disappears like a gas. It just goes into the atmosphere. And now you've created this other thing. And I'm telling you, people fucking lean in like, where is this going to go?

And I'm not going to lie to you. The first thousand times you do that, all the air goes out of the room, then you suffocate and you fucking, yeah, you're like a kitten in a plastic bag. Sorry for the bad image, but it just goes out the the room, then you suffocate and you fucking, yeah, you're like a kitten in a plastic bag. Sorry for the bad image, but it just goes out the fucking window. But those are the games that keep it interesting. Once you are seasoned, you have your act, you know how to fucking do it. Those are the games, if you want to keep growing that you play on stage and it's

fucking hilarious because you're literally undoing what you i'm killing i'm killing this is what i want this is what they want and now i'm gonna fuck it all up and see if i can get out of it and if you start doing that um not only do you get better as a comic, but then it opens up all of these other colors and all these areas that you can now. It's like a guitar player if you can only solo in one key. All of a sudden opens up a whole lot. I mean, I don't know about guitar, but like it opens up the whole. All the possibilities become there. opens up the whole, all the possibilities become there.

Then that's how you can then as a comic be talking about subjects that other people are already talking about, but there's just so much more depth, so much more color, so much more up and down dynamics. There's a ride, and it becomes like a little movie that they're watching. And that's the way when I would watch guys like Chappelle, Chris Rock. Chappelle really did it brilliantly in his last special, where he starts off with that Prince poem, that Prince song, and then kind of, I mean, Chappelle really honestly lives in that a little bit.

Yeah, and I think that the, I think a lot of the great ones don't like, they don't like it comfortable or whatever. I mean, I think it's just a natural progression. There was this thing I used to have when I started where you try to figure out, okay, this is a blue collar room. You know, it's a good blue collar. It shows me I'm blue collar. I'll tell that joke about how I used to work in a warehouse, right? And somewhere along the line, it starts to become like, what do I want to say? What am I trying to say? Okay, now I know what I'm trying to say. I think, how can I get them to listen? And then once you learn how to do that, then you can kind of talk about whatever,

and they'll listen, and then that just gets boring. So at that point, you either flatline, or you go to the next level. It's like, well, how far can I take this? How much can I lose them?

How much can, okay, this is a group of this group. I know if I talk about this, this is gonna piss them off. Like when I was in fucking New York last summer when i was doing that movie i was doing this bit about michael jackson when that that documentary came out about you know the whole extracurricular activity what the fuck you want to call it but The butthole licking? Yeah, all of that shit. So I was doing that, and it was always a little weird, and then in front of a mixed crowd,

and then it would just sort of take off after about 15 seconds. I did that in front of an all-black crowd, and they did not want to hear on this crowd anyways, any shape or form that dead michael jackson was alive uh like when he was living was a pedophile they stopped looking at me there was a lot of uh uh going on in the crowd really oh my god exactly and i had no idea that was coming because i knew i was going to do the michelle obama bit after that and i was like that's going to be the tough one. So that one, dude, when I tell you, like, dude, it has been years since I sucked the air out of the room like that. The only person I could hear laughing was

talent in the back of the room. And he was doing that laugh when your friend is bombing. And it fucked up my rhythm. It fucked up what i was trying to say and then i had to kind of go at him like what the fuck you tell me you would have dropped your kids oh i figured what the fuck i did yeah and then i then i segued in like all right you guys if you think you don't like me and my whiteness on that one where do you hear the next topic and i was like michelle obama and then then it loosened it up yeah Yeah. And, but then they still, they still did not, they, they weren't, I did not have a good set. I did not have a good set and I did not, I, and the thing was, I wasn't anticipating that. So I just, I, I, I wasn't like this. So I just

took it right on the chin twice and had a more than mediocre set that then turned into a shit show. But now I know that that's a lot of it. I didn't. I just kept going. Now, the old day, if I was a younger comic and I was trying to get in at Caroline's, I would have bailed immediately because comic and I was trying to get in at Caroline's I would have bailed immediately because it's like I need to show them that I can do the job

yeah so that they'll book me and then once you show that you can do the job then you have to kill for a while before you earn that license to kind of piss the crowd off a little bit um you know which took you know the better part of you know 12 which took, you know, the better part of, you know, 12, 15 years, you know, as much as there's all this fucking horse shit out there about, you know, white male privilege, not saying it's all horse shit, but like, I've always maintained in that argument, like, if you want to say it's easier, 100%, but if you're going to say it's easier 100 but if you're gonna say it's easy that's where i draw the line it's like not none of this shit is easy life is not easy period there's easier but there's there is no like easy like if people look at donald trump that guy has not had an easy life

that guy a lot of ways when i look at that guy in his business career, I don't know that he even wanted to inherit his dad's business. Yeah. I don't think he was allowed to dream. I think it was just given to him, and he didn't have that gift. He had another gift. But he just was sort of sent down this road, and I think that's why he's so outside of himself. He's essentially like a fucking socialite.

He had all this money, and he was going around to the parties and then i think he kind of liked fame the whole thing is just weird to me and i to humanize somebody like that is how i get through that shit trying to be like all right rather than just saying he's a fucking dope who just told me to shoot drano into my vein so we can get the economy going again. I try to be like, what happened to this guy? Because it's weird. He's, I still don't think he's dumb. I just think it's what he's experiencing, his business career to being a fucking president,

I think is just, he's having an outer body experience. You know, I don't know. And I think the most normal I've seen him is when he was doing The Apprentice. And it was his own show and he could kind of like joke around and blah, blah. It was like he was at a party, except he could tell whoever he wanted to fucking leave,

to leave. I don't know, I'm an idiot. What the fuck do I know? Yeah, that's interesting i yeah i i've i've been trying to do uh i've been i've been i don't know if it's because i haven't been partying but i i've been getting angry angrier quicker about weird things where i was never get angry like some homeless people were breaking into this the house we bought we're trying to do and some homeless people were breaking into this, the house we bought, we're trying to do. And homeless people have been breaking in on the reg, like nonstop, just trucking.

And I would have fantasies about catching them and hitting them with a bat and then burying them from their knees into the ground and then their hands into the ground and then holding them there for months. And I was like, where the fuck are these thoughts coming from? That's a combination of a pandemic and when somebody breaks into your house or your car, there's a feeling of violation.

Oh, man. Oh, there was a number that had texted me a number of times a long time ago. And I had always – I saved the number. It was someone else. I didn't know this person, but they were texting me very aggressively. And I had saved the number. And I said, one day I'm going to find this number. Enough time will have passed.

And I'm going to fuck with this person and try to fuck with their lives and get in their head and find some space. Oh, that's a dark place to go, dude. That's vengeance. I don't do vengeance. Oh, I do. That's the. I don't do vengeance. Oh, I do. That's the... I fucking started the process today.

I got to tell you something right now. I don't ever want to get on your bad side, know that you're after me, and then whatever that little giggle that you just fucking did. Yeah. I don't want any part of like vengeance is like i look at it this way all right we're all we're all human beings but we're all flawed we all have our insecurities so regardless of what somebody

did to me i've done something just as bad, if not worse to somebody else. And I'm looking for forgiveness. So I try to, I try to go that route. And I tell you, man, it's a way lighter way to live. Yeah.

I, there's no way I could just, I remember one time this fucking asshole kept fucking putting his dog shit in my trash can. And he only lived like two fucking feet away. And the fucking fantasy that i had i have these fantasies i hang outside his house i used to do a bit about it just sitting there smoking a cigar sitting outside his house waiting for all the lights to go out and i and it was the whole bit was creepy no one would laugh until just the bathroom light was on and I would be sitting there going that's right brush your teeth right get ready for bed dude I

went in that house I killed everybody including the fucking dog and the guy asphyxiated the guy in his own bed with his dog a bag with his bag of dog shit. That's where I took it. I do it. I have, I have like crazy, like thoughts like that. And I, you know, I just don't act on them. Oh, I did today. One of those ones where, you ever have a handshake with a guy after a show and a guy's like, hey man, here's a challenge coin.

Here's a, you know, here's a card, NYPD. If you ever need any favors, hit me up. I got your back. You know, any, you get arrested or anything, or if you ever have trouble in New York, I got your back. I had one of those. Today, I randomly, I was thinking,

this is how it started, oddly enough. I wanted to text Opie. I hadn't reached out to Opie in a long time. And I know he's lost two friends very recently. And I wanted to text opie i hadn't reached out to opie in a long time and i know he's lost two friends very recently and i wanted to text him and say hey man just so you know i was thinking about you and uh and and i wanted to you know say you know thinking about you i'm sorry for all the loss in your life these days so i texted opie and this person who had semi-fucked with me had texted me about opie i guess it because as i searched it their number came up and i had it saved under hey don't forget this number this person will get his reckoning and uh vengeance is mine saideth birth chrysler and then i thought i

was on the treadmill and I thought that one guy said one time, if I ever needed anything special. So I texted him and I said, Hey man, I got a number of someone who is sending some fairly aggressive texts to me that I don't know who it is. And I don't,

I don't know them. They got my, I got doxxed. My number was online. And this person had texted me. This feels like a Netflix miniseries. I'm in, I'm in.

So what happened? And so I said, hey, can you get me some info on this person? And he said, give me five minutes. And he hit me back with all the info. He said, what would you like to happen? And I went, can you give me five minutes to answer? He said, yeah. And so I texted back. Wait, so you sat for five minutes and thought, what do I want to do to this guy? What do I want to do to this person? I fantasized. I've thought of a number of things to do to this person. I've, this person texted, texted me at a time and it was, and it was so ongoing and they were so familiar with me. The way they talked to me in the text was real creepy. It was like, it was like, it was, it was a salty, uh it was assaulty the way they texted me like if

someone texted you and didn't you know what i'm rooting for you i'm like after my high horse live and let live shit i'm i'm i'm wanting you to win this one and so imagine if someone texted you that you don't know who they are and it said hey billy how's the family you'd be like hey man i don't i don't know you okay no no no all bets are off yeah and then and then and then and then you text back hey new phone who is this and you gotta kill this guy uh yeah that was one of the one of the options it was that was no joke that was one of the options do you want this person hurt and i went no i don't want them hurt but i definitely want them to be really confused at why things are happening like i want like i'd come up with a number of scenarios initially.

Initially what I was going to do is I was going to put their number everywhere. Like those little signs like earn $1,000 for free. Working at your home. Give me a call. And those tab things. I was going to put those all over the city. I was going to put their number on cars that were nice. Hey, for sale, Prius.

Yeah, but that would cause him to change his number. His number is the umbilical cord. You know who he is now. I know everything now. But I, and so I didn't do that because I didn't want to, I didn't want to tether. I wanted to have this number. I wanted him to forget about me, sincerely to forget about me and it's been long enough that he has for then when things

start happening to him him to go wait what the fuck is going on you know so i can't really explain what's going on but it's it's starting oh i'm calling you with once this is over i want to blow by blow oh no don't tell me because then i'll have to fucking testify at your fucking trial yeah i've done i've gotten i for some for whatever reason i've had a lot of shit happen to me with uh with like stuff like that like i don't my number got given out dude my number got given out when we were doing the uh when we were saturday sunday or whatever we were doing the comedy store thing. My number had given, got given out and I started, my phone started ringing on and on, like nonstop,

nonstop. It kept ringing. I'd answer it. No one would answer, right? 818 number, 310 number, 323 number. And then one came up, the comedy, the comedy magic store, right? So I thought it was Richard down there. So, and I'm like, God damn it, nothing.

It happened, Bill, for an hour. It rang nonstop. I had to turn my phone off during it. You can actually see it during the live recording. So I get done. I turned my phone on. It stops ringing. No one's calling. Then that night, one of the numbers that had called me, the one that's from comedy magic, it, it called me again. And I fucking was like, all right. So I thought it was Richard from the comedy magic so I answered and I said hello and he goes he goes stop fucking calling me motherfucker and

I was like hey man I'm not calling you and he goes the fuck you're not my phone's ringing off the hook I start fighting with this guy who obviously the same thing that happened to me had to happen to him his number got into some loop all of a sudden all these phone calls are coming to him he gets my number and calls me now i'm fighting with this guy bill i ended up in bed thinking of ways to get back at this guy because all he did was just yell at me fuck you fuck you don't stop calling me you fucking fuck and then hung up and then i texted him i go it's not me and he. And he calls it. It is fucking you. It's fucking you. And he hangs up again. I'm like, oh, fuck you.

He doesn't know my outreach. I got 600,000 fans on Twitter. I'm going to fucking light this motherfucker up. How would you do that? He's in the same boat as you. He's just confused. That's what I came to. That's where I came to.

That's where I came to. Good, good, Bert. Good, Bert. But man, it took me pacing in my backyard, fighting with this guy, who, by the way, had been victimized exactly like me. Like, we both got our numbers in some sort of thing, and we both got phone calls, but fuck.

And I wonder if it's because I don't have booze to let the air out, if that is where all this is resting. Well, if I don't have the outlet. I realize, too, because I've been saying I don't miss doing standup and I feel like I don't, but then I kind of realized how I'm wired, which is when I lose something or something painful is going to happen. I just downplayed in my head and just say, I don't care. So the reality is I do care because just talking to you about the games you can play on stage

to get better um and something you said earlier it gets like the juices flowing like i want to fucking get up i was watching that jordan documentary and when he said that thing like i knew when he got on the bulls he goes i knew i needed to establish myself dude i felt like this jolt of energy like that i used to feel right before the third show saturday night and there was like fucking only 15 drunk assholes there and you think i'm gonna get these motherfuckers and like like that that's literally the mindset that you need to get like successful and you and you have to learn how to turn that thing on yourself yeah but i love watching the

the greatest of them all that was the greatest fucking doc and how great is that oh it's still going it's only there's only two episodes in so far right there's one tonight there's one airing tonight oh there you go there is there is something you know i had a hard time processing um competitiveness in women so my daughter played competitive uh softball last year and they won state championships and this there's this girl is her name and she was their right fielder first like the lyrics to a bad song there was this girl was her name? And she was so fucking competitive. Bill, she got up. They're down two runs. Base is loaded.

And she hits a fucking dinger off the right field fence. A fucking rifle off the right field fence. Drives in all the runs. He's a lefty. Drives in all the runs. Gets on second base, Bill, right? Looks at the pitcher. P picks up a handful of sand, and goes like this to the pitcher.

And I'm like – and I'm sitting there going – I'm getting chill bumps. It was like just such a that's right, that's what I fucking – it was the coolest, like, LeBron moment. But I had a hard time going, that's a little girl doing that. This is a little girl. This is a little girl, just as little as mine. Like a 15-, 16-year-old girl doing that, is a little girl this is a little girl just as little as mine like a 15 16 year old girl doing that like one yeah motherfucker and and i was girl in the mound should have done should have pretended it was a pickoff move and drilled her right between the

fuck i like that first of all a dinger's a home run no no it was a double off the wall and that fucking bullshit doing this i, I fucking hate that. Because the next time she goes up, if she strikes out, is she going to stand there when she's – I fucking – I fucking hate that shit, dude. I loved it, but that's what Jordan did. I hate that shit. That's what Jordan –

I like confidence. I like somebody stepping up in the fucking moment. But that stupid shit where when it works out for you, you do your little fucking dance but if it doesn't you run back to the huddle go fuck yourself with that i don't blame her because espn and all them have glorified that fucking horse shit and it's not espn's fault because now there's nine million fucking channels so they the more you you act you act like a complete fucking ass fuck that man fuck all. Fuck all that. I never saw Jerry

Rice do that. That's what Jordan did. Did what? Jordan was so fucking competitive. He didn't fucking go like this. He punched Steve Kerr. What the fuck was Steve Kerr doing? I don't know, but Steve Kerr said it was the best thing that ever happened to him was to get knocked out by Jordan.

Yeah, because he wasn't fucking... That's different, dude. I'm talking about rubbing it in the face. Look, if someone says you can't dunk on me and he goes like this, then you dunk on him and go like that, that's all fucking fair. And if somebody's talking shit to you, that's all fair. But if you beat somebody, I think that's such Bush League fucking athletic horse shit that goes on today where anytime you do something good,

you call more attention to yourself but anytime anything bad happens to you like you know you go run into the dugout and all that fucking bullshit no stand out there and do your fucking dance you just drop the fly ball you fucking jerk off i hate that shit okay i like i i my point is I miss competitiveness has been shaken out of our culture at some point and watching this Jordan documentary that's not competitive listen don't confuse that fucking hot dog and horse shit that's not competitiveness yeah that's your ego that's self-involved fucking horse shit the competitiveness was when she was up there and delivered in the moment. You do that shit afterwards, dude, that's no

fucking class. This is a classless fucking move. Okay. Hey, edit that girl's name out of this, would you there, please? I love that documentary, though. That documentary is awesome. That's so fucking stupid i fucking do you actually watch nfl games now and when they score a touchdown they all pretend to be

rowing a boat like hold on you hold on hold on one second that was what part of the shit i love the fun bunch and the redskins they score a touchdown touchdown. One. No, no, I didn't mind. No. Three. I love that shit. Right. But my thing is the end zone celebration went the way of the dunking contest where there was only so many fucking ways you could dunk a fucking ball, and the next thing you know, I'm going to jump over a Mazda Miata. It's like, all right, it's over.

Right? The end zone celebration was just like when the guy takes the fucking pylon and pretends to be putting and i'm supposed to be like blown away by the creativity of that i loved dude when when when uh when terrell terrell owens took his pen out and signed the fucking football i that i don't know man i this is why terrell owens didn't bug me though because he would have done that in any era. There's always been the Billy White Shoes Johnson flamboyant fucking guys. But what I haven't, like, what happened was is then they saw how they then got all this advertising.

So then they, I think they were encouraged by their agents. So people with no personality were now trying to act like they were the life of the party. And it's like, you're not. But what if that's inherent in your personality? Is this just, I mean, like, people have that. That's literally what I just said. What? What?

I literally just said that you would have done that in any era. But the trickle down is now you can't even go to a high school softball game and there's somebody acting like they're fucking Terrell Owens. Really? Did you hit the ball that's as big as your fucking head? Dude, I it's not even the celebrating Bert. It's the when

you fuck up. It's like the fucking cornerback going, you know, you don't throw a my side of the field. You don't ever do that shit. And then the next fucking game he gets beat and then pretends like he's holding his fucking hamstring. The fuck out of here.

Guys like that never take their fucking lumps. That's why I don't like that shit. I don't. What about Richard Sherman? He goes, that's why you don't go up against a cornerback like myself. Remember when he got lit up for that? Yeah, and then Randy Moss caught that pass, and then he – no, no, no, that was Darrell – Revis Island.

Revis got fucking – He got burned, and then he fucking grabbed his fucking hamstring. Yeah, Revis got – he talked so much shit. I did like Revis. Listen, here's the thing, though. I will forgive a cornerback because it used to be the hardest because they made so many fucking rules, changes. Yeah.

To get the casual fan because offense sells the game. I believe it used to be the hardest thing to do in baseball was hit the curveball. I now think it became to cover a receiver. Really? Dude, if you couldn't touch fucking Jerry Rice after five yards down the field, how many fucking yards do you think that guy would get a season?

He would have got 2,000 yards in his prime. Easy, 2,000 yards a season. Jesus. What the fuck was that? I got the hiccups. I got so excited there, I got the hiccups. I still love that time machine movie idea. Two white guys go back in time and just fucking call it field day.

Well, go, I will go registered at the writer's guilt. Yeah. What else did I want to talk to you about? I was, there was one thing I wrote down here. I was like, oh, don't forget to ask him.

Brad. Dude, please tell me. That's pissing me off, that chick on second base. Please tell me that pitcher fucking drilled her in the side of the – and if she drills her in the side of the fucking head the next time she's up, then she's the asshole, right? No, no. We won the game.

It was awesome. No, no. I'm saying, did she get drilled the next time she went up to bat? The asshole right no no we won the game it was awesome no no i'm saying did she get drilled the next time she went up to bat the game was over game was over that they had one more inning the other team was home team they had an at-bat and we won i love dude i mean i i loved it because it just sealed the championship for the team and I was so I just was like I was so excited to watch her just pick up the sand and go like this it just was like I don't know I had a hard time I did have a hard time at the time but I I quantified it with that my wife said to me

my wife says to me consistently I put no value in women she says says that. She says that. I disagree. She first noticed it when a tall guy was walking down an airplane and we were sitting, I was in the single lane in the exit row and she was behind the exit row in the double lane sitting by herself. And a tall guy was walking down and I looked at him and I went, hey man, do you want my seat? And he tall guy was walking down, and I looked at him, and I went, hey, man, do you want my seat? And he was like, excuse me? And I said, well, why don't you just take my seat, and I'll sit with my wife.

That seat's open. I go, look, you look, you're, he was like 6'7". And he was like, for real? I said, yeah, man, your knees are going to fucking kill you in one of these seats. So I switched with him. And my wife said, it's interesting. You didn't do that.

There was a woman that was very tall. You didn't offer it to the tall it to the tall woman and i went well yeah that guy's probably got to deal with this his whole life she goes but the woman does also and i went i didn't even notice her and he goes because she wasn't hot she wasn't like smoking hot because you don't find value in like an unattractive woman and i said what do you mean she's like well this was the beginning of the flight very before takeoff oh jesus and I'm like and so my wife will consistently say that my issue resides with male female as opposed to where my so a lot of times in that situation with that kid I went I went I I immediately was like I'm I tried to shelve it in am I uncomfortable with a girl being competitive? Because would I be cool if that was my team and that was my son and my son did it? Would I be

cool? And my wife assumes, rightfully, I guess, is that I would be cooler than if it was my son. But when it's girls, I rear my head up because I'm like, girls shouldn't be competitive. And so it's a long fucking thing to unpack that we should not even try to. And so it's a long fucking thing to unpack that we should not even try to. Yeah, I don't have a problem with competitiveness. I have a problem with showing up the other player. I just think it's a classless fucking act. But it's a fine line between showing up a competitor and expressing your enthusiasm when you do well.

Meaning like Mark Gastineau. Tell me how after you hit that ball. Don't use her. Don't use her. Standing there and then rubbing it in the fucking face. That's not, you're showing them up.

Dude, you used to get your fucking ass back in the America I remembered. Yeah. Okay, the next guy up at bat, you didn't do that shit because the next guy up at bat

got one right between the fucking shoulder blades. If you were big enough cunt, he took it right off his fucking melon you didn't do shit like that because there was an understanding that at any given moment she could have struck out or you can hit a fucking double all right we're all fucking pros here act like a fucking professional but then showing your ass and being an obnoxious fucking jerk off so you can get a fucking sneaker deal became the way to do it and then you come into the league before you even hit a fucking layup and you already have your own sneaker deal and you go i'm not playing for charlotte i want to go play for

fucking you know whatever new york or something you start to choose your fucking teams i don't know there was somewhere along the line where the owners had total control and then the players got too much control there was the perfect just like with like unions at some point there was the perfect ownership in unions and then at some point the unions were i don't know but then here's what about with the backflip the bat flip that they were everyone was losing their minds over yeah i think that's all it It's classless. Really? Totally fucking classless. Because there's no reason.

You got the best of the guy, and now what you're doing is now you've made it personal. You've made it fucking personal. The problem is it's become mainstream now. And like I said, flip your bat when he fucking strikes you out looking and do your whole fucking dirty bird dance and all of that shit. And have everybody looking at you for extra time when you fuck up. Don't just do the electric slide when you fucking hit a home run, you cunt. You realize how great that would be?

Is if you struck out, but you didn't. Oh, shit. You then did your celebration dance? Yeah, do your celebration dance. I'm dancing for how well he fucking fooled me on that curveball i hope there's some young athlete that hears this and does that that'll go fucking that no i hope you don't because you're gonna piss off your coach and you'll probably get sat down so don't do it i'm just saying like listen i'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do. I like, I get way more out of a charge when somebody hits a fucking home run in a big

moment and then they just act like it was no big deal and just trot around the bases. The silence of that, the power of that is so much better than like, it's like you're not giving the other team any more bulletin board material. It's like you're not giving the other team any more bulletin board material. He just fucking took your best shit, sent it into the cheap seats, and just trotted around the bases. He or she, not saying I got a problem with competitive, whatever the fuck your issue is.

That to me, like somebody scores a touchdown, you just hand the ball back to the referee. It's just like, oh, fuck. Dude, I was talking to Bartnick the other day. Super Bowl fucking 10. Dallas Cowboys, first half, they're fucking owning the Steelers. They got this fucking game.

Roy Jarrella misses a field goal. And what does Cliff Harris do? He gets in his face and fucking congratulates him. Ah, you fucked up, you missed, blah, blah, blah. And Jack Lambert went over, picked up Cliff Harris like a fucking rag doll and fucking threw him down on the turf. Almost got kicked out of the fucking Super Bowl. Okay. And it totally turned the tide of the game. Dallas was winning. That dude missed that field goal. You shut the fuck up. Can you imagine if you were on the Steelers and he missed that field goal. You shut the fuck up.

Can you imagine if you were on the Steelers and he misses that field goal and you feel fucking dejected and then your own teammate picks up the other fucking guy who rubbed in his face and spikes him into the fucking turf, dude? I mean, you're ready to run through a brick wall after that. I think it's just the only thing that saves it is the fact that so many people do it that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. I don't know. Listen, you're talking about somebody who was looking up NFL titles, okay? Like I am a soon-to-be 52-year-old man, so like –

When's your birthday? In a couple of months. Yeah, but you're all – you know what the difference is also, Bill? But you're someone that like – I remember that kid came up and was like just we were at the breakfast and he was like the kids like just want to let you know man you're the voice of a generation you're you're immediately someone like dude shut the fuck up no i'm not thank you goodbye like you're someone who doesn't take compliments well that is true but it's taking a compliment well fucking flipping a bat after you hit a fucking home run i mean it's got to be a happy

medium i could definitely work on taking compliments well but the other thing too is you are a lunch pail comedian where you come i i do that burt because you can't let that you you i should let it in and say thank you but if you start letting that shit in you start thinking that shit and if you start walking around thinking what i'm a voice of a generation dude your comedy is immediately gonna go it's gonna go down yeah because then now it's just like you don't have anything to learn. So my thing is like what's the next thing I have to get better at? Yeah. I think that that's why you're a good comic is that you don't like the –

I've always been where I deflect compliments because I go, if I listen to the, not because of your reason, but for me, if I listen to the compliment and I take it to heart, then I've got to listen to the constructive criticism and take it to heart. And I do not want to listen to that. Like I don't want to listen. I hate compliments, but I love a funny insult. A funny insult is one thing. I would rather have somebody come up and shit on me in a funny way,

not in a personal way. That would hurt. But, like, as far as I – I like compliments like anybody else, but, like, I'm trying to get better. You know, you go, oh, hey, thanks a lot. You know, you get your eyebrows up. Oh, thank you. I loved it.

I loved it like a fucking robot. You go, you know, you put your eyebrows up. You're like, hey, thank you. My thing is that it just keeps going. And then what do you do? You're like, your fucking eyebrows hurt. All right. You like my shit jokes.

Thank you. Yeah. you're doing you're like your fucking eyebrows hurt all right you like my shit jokes thank you yeah all i want all i want you to do is to leave and feel like i gave you your money's worth enough that you want to come see me again so i can keep living the dream that's all i need i don't need like you know there's these people out there when they don't get on a list they call up their fucking publicist i mean what the fuck how the fuck is this guy number seven and i'm only number nine who gives a fuck are people coming out to your show great all good the uh i just said to um they're opening comedy clubs uh next week oh good yeah i mean it's just like you can't let 60% of the population go homeless because less than 1% has the flu. Yeah.

Yeah, do you think you'll go out on the road and do any clubs? Well, I mean, my shit all got, like, fucking rearranged and shit. Oh, clubs. Yeah, clubs. I don't want to take nights away from guys that need it I feel like clubs are like I know where I was at when I was in clubs

I needed that gig I feel like if you're doing theaters which I'm blessed enough to do I can ride it out for a couple let it get all sorted out I just don't want to see like you know 5,000 comedians all trying to get a weekend at the fucking Irvine Improv I think that's going to see like, you know, 5,000 comedians all trying to get a weekend at the fucking Irvine Improv. I think that's going to happen.

But what I think should happen, what I think could happen is they would, some clubs would need, like say DC Improv could use a weekend with Bill Burritt maybe like just to make sure that they have it sold out. Who just fucking booked me across the fucking country, you fucking asshole? But only so that. Why couldn't it be fucking Reno? Collier? What?

Oh, Reno. Reno, Reno. Wait, what color sounds like Reno? Reno Collier is a comedian. Oh, Collier. I thought you said color. No, I thought you said, why couldn't it be Reno? And I was like, no, they could have Reno.

But what I'm saying is to get the clubs back on the feet, to get the waitstaff tipped out nice, to make sure that they have a cleaned up weekend. I ask again, Bert. Yeah. What are you giving? I ask again, Bert. I ask again is now my favorite thing.

I'm doing that with my wife. I ask again, why didn't you make me breakfast in bed? No, I will ask again. I just love how, I love the regalness, the royalty of it. Yeah, I love the regalness, the royalty of it. Yeah. I ask again. Because it puts so much depth to the thing you just asked. I will ask again, has anyone seen my cell phone?

Right? Oh, I love the cuntiness that people come with on social media. I'm let down in you, Bert. And you're like, fucking let down. You should lay in bed with me one night. Here, I'm let down in you, Bert. And you're like, fucking let down. You should lay in bed with me one night. Here, I'll let down I am in myself. No, this is what, no. The thing is, you always go at what they look like.

You go to their fucking profile and you go right after what they look like. My best work ever was somebody said, hey, Bill, don't you think you're a little bit old to be blah, blah, blah? I just looked at his headshot and I just went, don't you think you're a little bit old to be blah blah blah i just looked at his headshot and i just went don't you think you're a little old to be taking selfies

on a bridge i don't even know what that means but he took a selfie on a bridge and it was just fucking funny oh i love when people i love when other people will take someone's someone will uh post something and then you'll see everyone someone just with way too much time on their hand will go through all their pictures and then start picking them apart and go so wait would you adopt that dog and then they're like you can see like just the unraveling of humans no when you if you watch that um uh don't fuck with cats yeah what they got out of just that little fucking clip like people are fucking this this psychos this i mean in that one that was a good thing because they stopped a bad

if applied correctly i guess it's a good thing but like it's funny what you focus on when you shoot something versus what other people see i did uh i shaved my chest i trimmed the line here so it looked like just told me you shaved it. I didn't need to see it. So it looked like I packed it. And I put a video up on Instagram of me showing it to Leanne. It looks stupid.

It looks horrible. But I showed it to Leanne. Leanne fucking makes fun of me. All I look at in that video, right, is my chest and Leanne. That's all I see is those two things. I didn't see anything else.

I posted it. And then Whitney texted me. She's like, how much Rogaine do you and then when then Whitney texted me she's like how much Rogaine do you need and then I look and there's like Rogaine lined up all like and I look at look around I'm like oh this is a real glimpse into my life and who I am no no that's that's a psycho move psychos do that psychos go in and they're trying to figure out your life like the joke was that why can't it just be that no no no i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna look into your your world whitney didn't

hear the joke she went wait how are you four toothbrushes why do you have four toothbrushes i'm not saying she's a psycho i'm just saying like or else i think that's just everybody's commented on the basic thing so then they gotta be like the clever one to notice your fucking surfboard in the background or some horse shit. What's up with that old lady couch in front of the surfboard? Huh? Yeah.

Did your grandmother just die and you got that? Laughing my ass off, shaking my head, whatever the fuck it is they do. There's my thermos. Yeah, I don't know. All right, we should wrap this up know all right we should wrap this up yeah we should wrap this up i will ask again when were we gonna wrap this up um all right well that's another edition of the bill burt podcasts are opening comedy clubs up in every state or some states what texas texas

nashville and omaha here that's right you don't tell red states what to do no no but it's also it's more rural out there i think there's few people in omaha that have it right now so i think they're like let's just go back to work i love it good for them yeah good for them that's good that's good yeah it's gonna work everything's gonna be fine Bert say it's gonna be fine gonna be fine Bill is it gonna be fine it'll be fine oh all right well uh congratulations on your one night bender and the fact that you're back on the uh on the fucking wagon yeah I got in and out no didn barely any marks. I'm upset that you told me that story because guess what I'm thinking of doing?

Please. And if you do, let me come over to your house and do it with you. Let's have a one night Bill Burt drinking podcast. We'll do it on Zoom. We'll invite 500 people.

They can sit in and then everyone pays an admission and that money goes to a good cause. I ask once again. Will you get drunk for Joe's six pack? All right. Love you, Bert. I'm glad you're back on the wagon

and that you have that skill set. I hope I have it someday. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, everyone, for listening. Once again, thanks for watching during the pandemic. The Bill. Bert. Pod.

Cast. Cast. All right. Thank you so much. See you next time. See you, buddy. I'll see you guys. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you.