The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 13

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about documentaries, civilian submarines, and hookers.

All right. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's time for another edition of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. There we go. Dramatic pause. What's going on, Bert? I'm trying to, I'm gradually cleaning up my little space here. I'm trying to catch up with your, the level of your man cave, which I have to tell you, dude dude i've been watching like legit shows yeah and they don't have that background that you have i get frustrated when i saw andrew cuomo's

uh backdrop i was like bro you're seeing an anchor like someone didn't stage that for you like someone couldn't be like hey man can you put some stuff in the background or do this by your office i've i've been impressed like the the amount of people that i did a podcast with guy fieri and he had a beautiful backdrop it was his kitchen and he didn't even plan it he was just like showed up and his kitchen was back there yeah and as you know what what's happened is all the bitter bettys out there have been getting upset about people in the public eye and they're they're they're imposs possibly large kitchens. Oh, you're right.

It's the funniest thing to me. It's like, it's not a trust fund kid. That guy is you. That could be you. You go after your dreams, you make some money and you buy a fucking sick ass house. I get it if these fucking people they're shitting on were like, you know, born into wealth. Although one of those guys, wealth although one of those guys well one of those guys is like a fucking vanderbilt or something like that um anderson cooper the guy who bought the fucking uh the firehouse he's a legit vanderbilt like his yeah vanderbilt yeah that's a statement that's like a saying but he's a fucking vanderbilt. I'm not. Dude, that right there just summed up our podcast and why everybody loves you.

Dude, that guy's a fucking dirt. Vanderbilt. He turned on Kathy Griffin so quickly. They were like best friends, and he just was like, fuck that bitch. I don't know her, man. She had Trump's head on a stick. I got a fucking mortgage. Look, my mom didn't leave me a ton of money.

I got a... Well, I mean, that was just one of those stunts that you knew when you were doing it that you were going to get all this negative attention. So you're kind of going for that. And then it kind of spins out. You got a tiger by a tail. And then it turns around and bites you. Yeah. And then it kind of spins out. You got a tiger by a tail. And then it turns around and bites you. Yeah. And then you learn what you already know. None of these famous people

are your friend. If I put Trump's head on a stick, Bert, you change your cell phone number. I never fucking hear from you again. No, you know, my political view. I'm going to change people. I'm gonna change people the uh yeah maybe I would the I went radio silent real quick when Ari went fucking folk obi I went radio silent real quick

I mean you know there's an art to that it was weird too because I'm not that guy but then you go then you go like no one it's it was such a hard thing to defend his kid his kid i don't want to talk about because i don't want to dig that shit back up for him i love art yeah i love art too yeah so anyway what you drinking diet coke no booze this week i I'm going to drink Friday, though. Dude, I love and respect

and I think borderline envy. Borderline envy the new Bert Kreischer. This guy who can dip in and dip out. Dude, anybody can quit booze and not do it

and be a miserable cunt around the house. Anybody can do that. But to know you got a problem, get your head around it and still be able to dance with the devil every once in a while and then say, I've had enough. Bert's keeping his shirt on tonight. No second base for you, booze.

That's amazing. I almost ate an edible Friday uh just a light one because I was like I wanted something to kind of yeah razzle with your diet coke you have a light edible with your diet coke yeah I wanted some I needed I wanted some razzle dazzle like a treat at the end of the night but then I just thought I was like I don't want to need it because if I like it then I'll go well I'm definitely doing this Saturday night so I was like yeah I love razzle dazzle I used to just call it rock and roll my wife what are you doing I'm like rock and roll my favorite one ever uh Joda's buddy, who isn't even in the business, he was standing there one night drinking with Joe, and he had a beer and he had a shot.

And Joe was like, what's going on here? And he goes, bingo, bango. He goes, what's bingo, bango? You know, bingo, bango. Bingo, bango. Bingo, bango should be in the fucking dictionary. I like that a lot. I'm going to have to throw a little Bingo Bingo this Friday.

I love Bingo Bingo back in the day. My favorite fucking thing, day drinking. You'd come in and I'd start off with like a shot of Jameson and an ice cold Budweiser. A real one. Not the lime one, not the light. I just ice cold in the fucking bottle and you just started off you look at your friend we grin because we knew we weren't supposed to be doing it and we're off right what is brad pitt saying once upon a time in hollywood when he when he smokes

the uh lsd thing oh shit and away we go or something yeah yeah yeah and then we go um yeah that was kind of like i I don't know, Bert. I'm going to use you as a case study. Yeah. And if you don't lose everything that you know and love in the next few months, I might, nah, I don't, I've tried to do what you're doing. I've tried to do it. And it always ends up being i just i just get back

into it i did a little bingo bango with my buddy eddie one time at uh with tequila a little ice cool beer and a tequila little bingo bango by the way i love that we got to get joe de rosa on him we got to give that kid credit text joe de rosa see if you can hop on okay um uh I did a little bingo bango with my buddy Eddie at uh what what's uh what's the what's the it's like one of the oldest Mexican restaurants it's on Sunset everyone used to buy coke there it's uh across from Guitar Center oh wasn't like the Acapulco or the uh we were doing a little bingo bango it was the first time I ever saw a fish taco I'd never seen a fish taco in my life. El compadre.

El compadre. And, these girls sat down that we were going to meet up with. And we, this is how Florida we are. We had a shot and a beer. And, uh,

they arrived right when the girls sat down and we tapped the shots and the girls go, Oh, cool. What are we celebrating? We were like, nothing. What are we celebrating? Nothing. A little bingo, bingo,

lack of self-control. That's what we're celebrating. What are we celebrating? I remember we looked at each other like celebrating. You know what I love? I love that bar across the street. Stanhope told me about that place. The coach coaching horses.

Ooh, that's a great, great bar. Yeah, but it's gone now. Did you hear what Stan Hope did? No. Radio silence. But I'm going to say he's innocent. Radio silence for 30 days. Didn't learn anything in the news.

No cell phone. No computer. No internet. No newspaper. No nothing. Tapped out of the news no cell phone no computer no internet no newspaper no nothing tapped out of the news cycle for 30 days and then had a day where someone just read him all the news from 30 days all the highlights so brady was traded to the box and he was like shut the fuck up no way yeah yeah can i watch that uh he did a podcast about it but he said he said he called me and he was drunk he called me i think he was drunk and he was like nothing like he wanted something he thought because he started

right when the pandemic hit and was like all right i'm gonna tap out when i come back and he's in bisbee no one knows you know he's not doing anything down there he can no one he won't see it he's like half a fuck in the world is going to be gone. There's going to be riots. There's going to, like he was hoping for something big. He was like, gronk, that's it? He was hoping for the, I don't know. He was hoping for like big news.

And he's like. Dude, I'm the exact opposite. I want them to just, all this money that they've blown on never-ending wars and everything, just get people tested, get a bunch of fucking masks, and let people go back to work. I don't want to see people who are where I was at, you know, number of years ago, where I can't take off any more time after three months. You have to let people get back to work. You have to let these small businesses that are going to go under, all of these great fucking places that I love. There's already been a couple of places that I like.

This donut shop, been around for 30 years, just fucking went out of business. I don't want to see that happen because the thing is, the corporations, no matter how much money they lose and they whine and all of this bullshit, they're going to be able to ride it out. So, you know, there's a couple of blockbuster videos left for old people. I don't want to see those go under people.

No, I really, in all seriousness, I would just like, uh, I'm hoping the May 15th thing, but I was just seeing a thing in Russia it's like completely out of control

and you can't like it's like you can't open anything up until everything's under control because of air travel so I guess you could just say you can't fucking fly in here I don't know even still

I think it'll be confusing because then I mean did you see that flight that was going to New York and it was just fucking elbows to assholes. No one's got a fucking mask on. When was it? Why?

Why? Because the airlines are only, by the way, I shouldn't, I don't know this at all, but I think the airlines are only, they've skinnied it up. So they've got like one flight flying to Fort Lauderdale in New York as opposed to like four throughout the day so they're cramming these planes because they want to turn they want to keep stay I understand that I understand jet fuel is expensive you can't fly it down with three people on it I get it but like why doesn't everybody have gloves and masks that

should be a requirement are you not going on they just came out with that they just came out two days ago and said that for now on there's going to be no service on the planes no cocktails no peanuts no nothing everyone's got a mask on shut the fuck up stare forward you know what the government trying to handle the size of this thing has been like me trying to clean up this fucking room it's the same thing i'm gonna hang up my pictures next i'm gonna get a bookcase it's just fucking this is where all all my shit is oh god it's uh i want man i'm praying for a miracle i want them to fucking find a cure or something no they will i mean no matter what in like a year they'll have something right we survived aids aids killed people you caught it through fucking if that didn't kill us come on yeah i guess you're right i never got aids although there was never airborne aids uh no but we used to think there was when when we were kids there was like a nudist colony which we

just thought was a gay was gay when we were kids and it was across the lake from us and i remember them being like yo there are gay people across the lake mosquitoes are biting them and then coming over and biting us and i was like i was like god damn it this is how i'm gonna grow out a fucking mosquito bite i've been wearing condoms for two years now. Yeah, I remember that. But the mosquitoes, they dry in though. Yeah, not the same. I remember getting a blowjob, calling my dentist and being like,

I think I got AIDS. He was like, was she bleeding? And I was like, what? And he's like, out of her mouth, like someone punch her in the face? And I was like, no. And he was like, then I think you're good. He's like, she would have had copious amounts of blood coming out of her mouth. And then chomped down on your dick.

Yeah. And I was like, well, that didn't happen. He goes, I think you're going to be okay. Stop calling me. I'm just a dentist. I love a self-deprecating dentist. You know what? We watched the hangover with the girls the other night and ed helms's character is so funny in that fucking movie you forget like he kind of carries

the movie i think they think zach is the lead like zach is the one where has all the jokes zach's funny but ed helms's character is the one that everything happens to he gets married he pulls his tooth out in this in the second one he gets fucked in the ass by a by a transgender by a trans whatever like a girl boy dude he's a beast that guy's a beast you know I didn't know that he did stand up and he used to hang out down around the boston dude he he did open mics with david j you remember david j yeah became a big time producer yeah me david j nash is his name uh dimitri martin all kind of started on that monday open mic night that david j used to run and ed helms then he went on i running in, you want to talk about fucking perfect cases, shut your mouth and just smile and say hi. I ran into Ed Helms in Boston one weekend and I had been on TV for like a year, two

years or whatever. And he had just gotten the daily show and he was like, Hey man, how you doing? And we just saw each other at a hotel. I was like, Oh good. And I said, Hey man, can I give you some advice? He was like, yeah. And by the way now in retrospect i just wish i never said anything i go don't lose stand-up i go stick with stand-up

like state always have stand-up like these television shit the movies they go away but you always want to have stand-up to be able to work and he was like yeah i don't know he was like things are going pretty good and i was like don't lose stand-up always get on stage. That's great advice though. That is great advice. Cause there has been a lot of people that had that, that didn't have Ed Helms's trajectory. Yeah. Quit doing standup and then had to, um, reestablish themselves. Ooh, nuts. One time I was, I took my daughter to a music class. These people up the street on my block hosted it. And I went there and there was another dad there around my age. And, you know, I didn't even clock or whatever thing. Right. And he comes up to me, he goes, hey, you're Bill Burr, right? I said, yeah. He goes goes I don't know if you remember me

and the second he started talking I saw his eyes and I remembered a bit he did he stopped doing stand-up he's doing great too but he he quit doing stand-up and uh I was like wait there's a party over here there's a party over there where's the party I did something about him being at some hip hop party or something like that and he's like I can't believe you fucking remember that and uh that was another guy he quit doing stand-up but he did great so I think it like stand-up can be like a thing like if you really find that you have like this skill for like writing producing creating shows and if you really don't like it because I think stand-up is the greatest ever, but it can also be the worst job ever. If you don't like it,

you don't like doing standup. That's going to be just vapors coming off of you. And you're going to, you're just going to ruin people's nights. You're going to be going to LAX and fucking flying into fucking connecting through Dallas and just doing all of that shit that even people who love stand-up fucking hate. Yeah. And then you're going to get to the club with like this fucking attitude.

You know what's fucking funny? I know a guy recently was working with some comedian, right? And she was headlining and fucking the Sunday night show. She was going like, I can't believe my career all these years in. I'm Sunday nights, this fucking dump and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And my buddy goes, well, you know, you don't have to be here. Which is the great life lesson is you're sitting there shitting on something that someone would dream. Like, dude,

I'm dreaming of being where you're at, of closing this place on a Sunday night, half full full I'll fucking take that I mean who doesn't remember those days but this fucking you know the grind of it can really uh can really get you so I think if you're if you're gut saying quit um you know if you're quitting for the right reason I don't I don't think it's a bad thing but I I remember

back in the day seeing guys when I was out here in the 90s and their show would go four or five years and would go off the air and they got the syndication money and then nothing else was happening and then they would go down to the clubs and it was like a seven-year break. And it's just like music.

It's like you quit in 78, then you start in 85. We went from disco to fucking hair metals in the top, you know, the top 10 video countdown, and then you're up there doing like BG's era, you know, doing a Jimmy Carter impression or something. And it's amazing how quickly you can age if you don't do it the same way with like music. But the thing about stand-up is if you just keep going down and going down there, you stay like young forever, or at least not young forever.

You stay contemporary. Yeah. There's a big word, Bert. Nice. Contemporary. Five syllables. You feel like we've all been put in a freezer while this COVID's going on and that stand-up's not moving anywhere right now and then when we all get back on stage, we just

pick up where we left off? Do you feel like there'll still be that gap? There will be a ridiculous connection between the crowd and the comedians because we've lived the same experience. We're all coming out of this shit. We're all going stir-crazy. We're all worried about how long it's gonna last. We're all coming out of this shit. We're all going stir crazy.

We're all worried about how long it's going to last. We're all kind of like, you know, in that same thing. There might be a disconnect with Stanhope, you know, going that far into quarantine. I mean, shout out to Doug Stanhope. Like, he took this quarantine thing seriously. A lot of people half-assing it with a mask on top of their head talking to their neighbor stand up wouldn't even get on the phone he he is he has really has taken life into a you know he was a big part of the one of the jokes i had for my last special

i called him up i think i got so fucking obsessed with stand-up I forgot that that it was could just be fun I called him up one morning and he I go what are you doing and he goes having a vodka grapefruit trying to think of some goofs I said what and he goes I don't know trying to write a knock-knock joke and just the idea that he had just put his act over there and was like I wonder if I could write a a knock, knock joke this morning that it was for him. It wasn't just about trying to get a bit that goes into the act. It was also just about being funny. Also,

like I just, it's cool. The way he looks at me, he, his, his last hour, he hasn't recorded it yet. I saw him do it at the store.

He has a fucking bit in there. I love when, I love when you see a comic comic that's got a bit that is like a an airplane bit and you're like oh you're gonna do an airplane bit but it takes it to a place where you're like well that is fucking a great airplane like you know what i mean no one stanhope he deliberately picked that topic yeah just to lead the comics in the room like oh god is he falling off with this hacky topic and then he he's amazing like what you just said Doug Stanhope has this bit he always

does yeah he always does I remember that time when he did that when he did that special in New York and he went down there one of the first thing he did he started trashing Yankee fans yep he goes you root for the Yankees that was at the height of the Red Sox and the Yankees just buying everybody in the league and everybody on Roids. And he did this whole thing comparing being a Yankee fan to like rooting for the new Walmart to put out the mom and pop thing. You know, the mom and pop hardware store out of business and stuff. Like, of course, I'm butchering it.

He goes, do you go to Vegas and root for the house? Yeah. And I loved it because I, as a Red Sox fan, saw that we were just as guilty during that time where it's just like, and then, you know, I have empathy for Yankees fans. I grew up there. I'm a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan. I grew up in Boston.

I'm a Red Sox fan. But there's in Boston. I'm a Red Sox fan. But there's no way if you're a serious fan of baseball and competition that there wasn't a good 10-year period where the Red Sox and Yankees were just horrible for baseball. Yeah. How do you think they're going to afford these millions and millions of dollar salaries with no attendance at these games for football? Is that going to cut into their budget?

Well, I mean, yeah, everybody's taking a hit except for the fucking banks. I would say, you know, with like the TV contracts and stuff that they have, there is guaranteed money. they have there is guaranteed money um i would think before they take a hit on their money was they would play games uh in front of no crowds and i think the ratings i mean i know i'm watching i'm fucking definitely everyone's that's must see tv i hope i wonder if they have a cut of the uh i wonder if they have a cut of the ad sales that would be who the uh teams i think well i don't know how that works i know that they have like a a deal with like uh mbc yeah well yeah whoever the hell they're with but um uh so i'm really you know hoping that the ufc thing is gonna be uh successful aren't they doing something without a crowd yeah in jacksonville i think okay cool

i think i don't know i haven't that's a smart move too because if they accidentally kill people it's just people from jacksonville you know you don't want to do it from a thriving city that actually has scientists that could cure this thing Jacksonville you go to Jacksonville I actually fucking love Jacksonville I had the best time when I was there um there's a comedy zone there that's part of a hotel and and it's like one of those fucking like a coen brother movie hotel like you feel you're in no country for old men and you're gonna see that your fucking lock's gonna go flying across the fucking room uh dude if i was fucking drinking dude i would get a fucking that's what the fuck i would watch tonight oh i would get a giant fucking ice cube. I would tip the bottle like that.

I would fill it up and I would sit and watch that fucking masterpiece. I love that movie. That's the reason why I bought my old truck. Cause I wanted to get a classic car and everybody, you know, all the baby boomers had all the fucking muscle cars. And I, I grew up driving a truck.

So I was like, you know, a little baby pickup and I always wanted a bigger one. So, um, I, I was, I was watching that movie in the beginning, you know, when, you know, he comes where all the people are shot, there's a bunch of old trucks and they're all Fords and I'm a Ford guy. So that's what I was just like, you know what, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to check that out. You know, a buddy of mine, uh, who, uh uh he built my dad's car and um and uh and rebuilt the engine on my truck he showed me this fucking auction dude you should have seen this shit this guy had this giant property i think he just passed away dude they had like a dodge van from the 60s

with like five windows on each side it was it, I think it was white with a baby blue, like thick stripe down the side. I fucking loved it. I showed it to my wife. I go, Nia, what do you think?

And she just goes, ew. I just think vans are scary to women in general. But it's like, she goes, what are we, the fucking Partridge family?

I'm like, we have a great time in there. Then he had, this guy had a lot of Dodgers. He had another, I think he had a Dodge crew cab, the four door one from like the early 60s. And then he had uh this guy had a lot of dodges he had another i think he had a dodge crew cab the four-door one from like the early 60s and then he had a a cab over uh engine coe a fucking orange which probably had a black interior like all that weird shit that's that's what i'm into

i'm you know i started off like most people like in mustangs and camaros oh wow oh you holding up a picture of andrew say something so everybody can hear it i'm holding up a picture of a multi-windowed dodge yeah i mean i prefer the ford andrew talk again so they can see it yeah oh there it is yeah all right i put myself on so yeah i don't know if, yeah, I'll insert. I'll drop one. That's beautiful. You know, it's funny.

I had a little truck when I had a little Ford Ranger, four speed, four cylinder, no AC. Did have an AM FM radio, vinyl seats, the long bed, the whole fuck. The thing was, it was the anti-pussy mobile. And when i was thinking about getting a helicopter which thank god i didn't do that before this fucking thing they're just so goddamn expensive the only thing that i could even remotely afford and i was going to go in with somebody else was one of those little little ones um so i'd be right back in the same the same bed the thing that i want The one that I wanted to get was the...

I just went blank on the fucking name. It's a French one. God damn it. Whatever, Bert. Start talking so they don't fucking watch me sitting there looking this thing up. This is the one... My daughter Isla wants a white van,

a white van, a white van and Georgia wants a, wants an old school truck like yours. She wants a pickup truck. She said she'll go for any pickup truck, but she would personally, they call them alligator heads, I guess. Cause it looks like an alligator eyes.

Cause it looks like an alligator eyes. When they were girls, we played punch buggy and alligator eyes. Alligator eyes were the pickup trucks where it looks like an alligator eyes when they were girls we played punch buggy and alligator eyes alligator eyes were the pickup trucks where it was like it looked like an alligator's eyes hey oh that's it right there that's the the cabri cabri however you say it i flew on when i was in vancouver i wouldn't get that color but what i love about it is the guy who built this he bought a robinson r22 which is a great helicopter if you don't do just there's a number of things that you can't do in that you just you know it's something you fly in nice

fucking weather turbulent weather you could get fucking killed so he bought one took the whole thing apart analyzed all its strengths and weaknesses and just he just basically what do they used to what they used to what's that thing built a built a better paper shredder how does that fucking expression go you don't remember oh god i'm just bombing on this podcast right now build a better mousetrap that's how right now. Build a better mousetrap. That's how these papers better. Build a better mousetrap. So it went from the semi-articulated main rotor to a fully articulated. So there's no accidentally, you know, if for some dumb reason you slam the stick forward

or if you were to hit some crazy turbulence, you could literally have a mass bump in your main rotor. You watch it go over there as you slowly roll over to the side. Ah, splat. Fixed all of that. It's an amazing helicopter, but because it's new and everything, it's like really expensive. But let's play if I wasn't married and I didn't have kids. What was the last time you flew a helicopter?

About a week before Kobe died. Really? Kobe died and my wife was like, that's it. And I said, fine. Are you going to, I was really shook up about it as were a lot of people, you know, even people that like had a ton of hours. And I just was looking at it. Like that guy had, you know, even people that like had a ton of hours. And I just was looking at it like that guy had, you know, a 10,000 fucking hours was instrument rated and all of this shit was flying

like a beast of a helicopter and he died. And it was just a very like, you know, a massive understatement was a bummer so you think you'll ever fly one again fuck yeah he's got to give it after the covid yeah no because i started to do i was showing you i was starting to get my instrument rating if you guys look at this shit here so i was like practicing here at home i don't know if you can see that oh wow is that

is that all the helicopter stuff well no you know what sucks is they only make them for like the planes so there's a lot of shit like everything i do in life is difficult like a fucking plane is easier to fly than a uh a helicopter they both take skill and i'm not shitting on fixed wing people but it's just like you know I mean you can take your hands off of shit in a helicopter I mean in a plane you can't in a helicopter you take shit up your nose down and hey and then you just I mean if I was to take all my hand off of everything I think I would I think what would I would roll I would nose down and then I would go into a fucking I would invert wow yeah you can't you can't do shit like that so um anyway so I so I had to learn all this plane shit about you know left rudder when you

because like when something spins it wants to turn shit or pull shit so you have to compensate for the physics of that so with the prop turning whichever way it turned uh maybe if it was turning to the right it wants to pull you left i forget how that works so i didn't have the pedals so i'd have to fucking angle it down the highway it was all about just getting up into the clouds and then what you do is you're just you're looking you have like your six pack of gauges and what you're basically doing is maintaining your speed and your altitude through all different types of turns and all of that and then there's holding patterns and there's three different entries to that I was just

learning all of that shit and dude it was fucking fascinating really and um and as a private pilot who's never gonna fly in shit like that. I was just taking it seriously. I wanna be totally over-trained. Because what I would do whenever I flew is I have like this app, and I would fly out of Burbank or Whiteman or something, and I would just look at what the weather was like, if it was too hot, if it was too windy or shit like that.

If it gets real hot, the air gets really thin, it starts to become, can I hold a hover? I don't want to be in a situation where if I go to land at an airport that's at a higher altitude, now I have to do a running landing like I'm in the fucking fall guy. I come in on my skids. I don't want to do that. And then wait it out till night where it gets cold and the air gets dense again and I can fucking hold a hover. I don't need that shit.

Gust of wind, anything above like, you know, it's not to get a 16, 17 knots. I just said, fuck it. I'm not flying. So you can do it that way or you can look at shit and see that it's dangerous. And then you get there, that get there right is it's not going to happen to me. All of these mindsets that they teach you not to fuck with because you know nature will laugh at your 10 000 hours and your fucking eight million dollar helicopter yeah just be like whatever so um but i actually you know i have a lot of friends who are pilots and they it was really cool they went out of their way because they knew you know the lower hours you have the

more shook up you get when something like that happens. And I had a buddy of mine who was actually flying that day on purpose in the clouds to stay sharp. Because when you get your instrument rating, like, it's not like you have it, you just have it. Like, there's requirements. I forget. I knew for the test. I took it in December. I forget already.

the test, I took it in December, I forget already, but every like three months, you had like, you know, an amount of hours that you had to fly, you know, an instrument, whether or they have like these goggles that, you know, you put duct tape on them, so you can only see your gauges in theory or whatever. And you just fly via your instruments. But this guy's like a hardcore pilot, that like, you know, he's a musician and he flies himself across the country. And like when he sees days like that scared the shit out of me, he goes up there to stay sharp. And like that's what I was working towards before all of this shit happened. So I don't know, man. I mean, I have a fucking pilot's license and I have the money to rent helicopters.

I mean, it's pretty hard not to do that. It's like so much fucking fun. And like, I can't believe how much I miss it, dude. Like when I look up and just, especially now, because nobody's flying and the air is so fucking clear on a lot of days out here.

You're just thinking like, oh my, and it's cool out and it's clear, which never fucking happens out here. So how long you gonna let this how long are you gonna let this rest before you get back up in the air again oh i mean the second this pandemic is over i'm gonna go back you can't you can't fly right now because of the pandemic no i i think you could i think you could i haven't seen a lot i don't know i mean i'm i'm look dude i'm like i only have a you know 250 hours so i mean i don't know shit so but i i would think that people who live out in the middle of nowhere um you know and there's also like these these there's these like aviation communities you

ever seen that and instead of like having like a street they have like a runway and they'll have like this little house with this giant yeah yeah where like their their uh their plane is and i gotta tell you dude if you're living like that like the temptation to do something illegal was really high i remember one time i took a water taxi when i was in boston i was i was doing a movie the The Heat. And I took my wife on a nice little water taxi because there was a store or something she wanted to go on the other side. We found this really cool.

It was so much fun. And I remember just sitting out there and we were going by and they were like pointing out yachts like the guys who own like the Red Sox and shit like that as we were out there. And the second I got out there, it was, it just,

even just being in boston haba i felt the lawlessness of it it was just like you see like wow you could dump a body like this is all kinds of shit you could fucking like like this devil just came on my shoulder i was just saying man you get a boat everything's legit and just once a year you bring a kilo of coke up from miami and that pays all your boating fees for the year yeah and it's just a key and all you do is you have enough money to pay back the drug dealer so you don't get yourself and if there's ever like a fucking coast guard comes up and you're in that deep water, you just have like weights on it. And you just kind of lean up.

You just kind of lean over the side and just let it go. Did you see Operation Odessa? No. It's a great movie on Netflix. And it's about this guy Tarzan who tries to buy a submarine from the fallen Soviet Russia and then take cocaine from the Cali cartel in South America into Miami in a submarine. And I watched it with Isla. And, man, I definitely – oh, and then I reached out to Tarzan to see if I could get him on the podcast

because he had lived in Miami and we all knew growing up in college we knew of the name Tarzan because he had a big strip club called Porky's so everyone that knew of this guy Tarzan there's so many times in this story I wanted to say bullshit but go ahead

we reached out to him I had my guys reach out to him. I had my guys reach out to him to see if we could get him on the podcast. Their response was, thank you very much, but he's in prison in Panama. In Panama. Here's my question.

When he was going to take it from California, you can't use the Panama. No, the Cali cartel. Cali Cartel in Columbia. In Columbia. Columbia is on the West Coast? Columbia, Miami. Columbia is, no, Columbia is actually.

The West Coast of South America, right? No, I think it's above, up north. No, no, it is. Oh, if it's on the east side, they're like that. So he was just going to go straight down and straight back. He got fucking caught? Yeah, he got caught buying submarines. They fucking busted him buying submarines.

He had pictures of himself about to buy them. So he's busting. Wait, can a private citizen not own a submarine? No. That's it, I'm voting for Trump. These are nuclear submarines too. And when he asked if he could buy them, they said, do you want the missiles? And he was like, excuse me?

This was Bill. Bill, you got to see this documentary. You're going to fucking lose your mind. I'm watching it tonight. Don't. They went to go rent a helicopter because they were going to get these motorcycles, these old Russian Urals. They were going to go get these motorcycles and they could get them cheap. So they're like, hey, we need a helicopter to they were gonna get these motorcycles these old russian urals they were gonna go get these motorcycles and they could get them cheap so they're like hey we need a motor we

need a helicopter to take us in and the guy goes oh we don't rent them and he was like okay and he's like well just out of curiosity what would like a what would like what would it be to like buy one and he goes buy one i don't know let me check and he comes back he goes 450 dollars and they're like okay we'll take nine like they got like nine helicopters like apocalypse now and flew to a city and then where can you he bought a helicopter for 450 bucks you know i'm punching numbers up and down but yeah like it's whatever i don't remember the exact number, but it was like 900 bucks. There is no fucking way I would get in that thing. Dude, they had military pilots flying them for them. They're going in and they're like, hey, where's this factory where we get the motorcycles?

And the guy goes, I don't know. And they're like, well, how do we get there? And he goes, come on. They land in the middle of a city, right? Gets out, goes over to a cop and goes, hey, where's this factory? He goes, right over there. He goes, all right. Back in the helicopter, goes over. Bill, and goes hey where's this uh factory he goes right over there he goes all right back in the helicopter goes over it bill you're gonna lose your mind but he he rented the helicopter for 900 they ended up they ended up buying a bunch of them and then

putting them in what's that big whale of a plane where the nose comes up yeah i know what you're done they ended up buying them and flying them home he ended up buying because this is right when communist russia fell so all these people all of a sudden you have these guys what kind of helicopters even if he even if he just brought those fucking things up and didn't even overhaul them yeah oh he could turn he could double his he could i don't he could sell those things needing an immediate overhaul he could sell that thing for fucking 100 if it's a nice one I would think 100 grand they were they were selling them they were buying everything over there they were going over

and buying everything and then just flying it back that's what they were doing and someone said hey man how about can we get a submarine he was like let me check called his friend guy calls back like two days later and goes do you want the missiles with it and he's like are you shitting me he's like no i don't want the missiles i just want the submarine no i gotta watch this this doesn't seem operation odessa it is so good i was it's it's but it, it's like cocaine cowboys, but in Russia. I liked,

I liked that Tom Cruise one where he was flying around. That's Margot Robbie. Oh, Margot Robbie from Once Upon a Time in America and Hollywood. She plays his wife.

She is fucking beautiful. Like, beautiful. And, and a great actress. Come on. Yeah, she really is. Bert, stop objectifying her.

I can't help it. That's the world we live in now. You are fucking beautiful. I am so offended by that. Dude, I wanted to say, you know Andrea Kramer from Real Sports? I don't know anybody. She's an ESPN news reporter. I bet if I saw her face, I'd do.

If you saw her face, you'd know it immediately. Can you pull up a picture of her face real quick, Andrew? You'd know in a second. Man, she looks... She's lost some weight. Andrew looks like he's in the afterlife with that fucking sun coming through the window here. I think he's got full-blown COVID.

Let your hair down. She was doing this interview and she's been working out and her legs look fucking jaw-dropping her legs look amazing and i grabbed my phone and i tweeted out jerking off i tweeted out at andrea kramer's legs are fucking look amazing, whatever. I just saw this, dot, dot, dot. Legs look amazing. I tweeted it out, and the second I tweeted it out, I just went, that's a fucking, you know her. Don't, you don't need to. Say something.

Say something. I can't, I can't. They can see it. It's not set up like that. It's a grid, so it's not the. No, he can't see it. He's got it on. Well, let me see the uh let me see the first let me see the biggest one that i'm old i can't see all right now now say something so i can see it oh oh all right yeah you can change it to gallery view so you can just see all

of us at the same time oh i didn't know i could do that no andrew kramer she's on real sports but the second i tweeted it out bill all i could see was people just getting shitty going. Gallery view. There you go, yeah. Yay! I thought you had it like that anyways. By the way, that's not the best picture of Andrea Kramer.

But I took it down because I was like, I'm objectifying her. She is an established journalist, and here I am just going, her legs look fucking amazing. But I'll tell you right now, if Andrew Kramer's listening, her legs look fucking awesome. Her legs are amazing. You know, I don't know why. I mean, I kind of get why I guess that became offensive,

because it's just like, you got to see me. You have to look past my beauty. But what if she said, you know, God damn it, man. I saw Burt's special. His shoulders are fucking awesome. I'd be like, yeah, great. I don't give a fuck. I'm glad.

Thank you. I think it's because sexism and shit doesn't stop you from getting what you want in life. And Harvey Weinstein wasn't into guys like you. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Hey, I want to talk. This is why you get those long lectures at the beginning of flights.

I wanted, I started to, I started watching. I told you about that tweet I sent out about Kim Jong-un and Kim, uh, Jung ill and all the, all his grandfather, everyone. Oh yeah. The last week.

So this week I started reading a book about Kim Jong-un about how he, his rise to power, his family's rise to power. Let me tell you something. I'm listening to the audio book. They just call every one of them. Kim. so fucking confusing it's like kim had a really big rise when his father and you're like which one are you fucking talking about they i'm all over the map but it's probably because it was uh written read by an english-speaking person who

thought that that was their uh their first name i name. I wouldn't be shocked because I'm sitting there going, I don't know which father or grandfather you're talking about, or if you're talking about the son. I'm so confused. There is one caveat, though, is the fact that you're listening to it on tape. That really dumbs down the reader in my world. I don't think it takes a lot to get somebody confused that listens to a book on tape. It's fucking fascinating, dude.

I mean, it's like I hear things and then I kind of hear the information. The one thing will grab me and I'll go, woo. And then I'll go, I didn't really hear what year that was but that's fascinating and then I'll say it oh good you know in 19 parents are watching this they just understood all of your report cards throughout your scholastic career I can't really hear anything then I hear one thing oh's interesting, but I can't remember the year. Right there, that says barely getting a 70 on any test. Korea was basically in the medieval times in 1945. That's what I heard, but I don't know if that's accurate, if it was 1945, because that's when the Korean War started.

You know what I would do? I would try to reach out online and talk to somebody who actually lives in North Korea to give you the what's up, rather than- You can't. They don't have the internet. up rather than yeah they do no they don't that's part of the shit is illegal over here but you still have okay you think if I tweet out hey I'm looking for a pen pal in North Korea any of you guys from I bet you'd find somebody that lived in North Korea and fucking ran down to South Korea somehow escaped or at least has family in North Korea would know better than some fucking jerk off who's calling everybody Kim reading a fucking book on tape

how do you get that job as the reader you to have a pleasant voice and not read out loud like me. Oh, I read, I read, when I wrote my book, I had to read it out loud. I read so poorly out loud, it took me 22 hours to read a five-hour book. Well, who the fuck can read a book in five hours? How many pages is it? It's my book. I wrote a book, and then I had to read it out book i wrote i wrote a book and then i had to read it out loud and what is a five hour audio book it took me 20 hours 22 hours to get through

the guy said he goes the only person that is worse than you he said is tracy morgan and i said really he goes two seconds in tracy morgan goes i'm not reading this shit I'm just gonna tell it to you and just put the book down and talk to him for five hours which you know has got to be 10 times better of an audiobook is Tracy Morgan just going probably a completely different book because he never does his act the same way twice there's no way that he's gonna oh yeah I used to panic when the teacher would be like all right who's gonna read this out loud burt i'd be like yeah and then you know what happens i in my anxiety i of reading out loud i then try and read faster to to catch up where i should have been if i didn't stumble so now it's like um um yeah it's like i'm playing a video game at, you know, instead at

the first level, I'm paying at level three and I suck at level one. I have noticed through reading books with my daughter that if I just chill, I flow right through the book. But my thing is the first time, it's like golf. It's a fucking mental game. My first fuck up taps into all my insecurities, and then I just stammer through the whole thing. Teeing off in front of a bunch of people in that first tee is terrifying. I actually enjoy that. Really? I thrive off of negative energy because I feel like they all want me to fuck it up.

I've always thrived off of, dude, this crowd is fucking brutal. I go up totally loose. I'm like, dude, this is a hot crowd, man. You're going to fucking kill. I go, everybody's been killing. Then I get a little tight. But if everybody's a cunt, it gives me this nice warm feeling. When I was a kid, we were playing a golf tournament.

There was a bunch of people on the first tee. I must have been like 13 years old, maybe less. And I was terrified. And one of my dad's friends said, I don't know why you're scared. Come here. And he takes my golf, my driver, and he takes some Vaseline, like Chapstick, and he just smears it across the face of it. And he gives it back to me.

He goes, not going to slice. You'll hit it right down the center. I went, seriously? He said, yeah. Takes the slice out. It's an old trick. For the first hole, you just put this on your club. You'll hit it straight. I said, really? And he, yeah. Takes the slice out. It's an old trick. For the first hole, you just put this on your club. You'll hit it straight.

I said, really? And he goes, yeah. I got up, and I fucking crushed it straight, dead straight down the center. I was like, I really appreciate that. He goes, I was just bullshitting you. I was just trying to get you less nervous. I was like, really? He goes, yeah, it worked.

You hit a great one. I was like, god damn it. Amazing. I wish he had never told me that. I would have been putting that on gasoline on my club every first hole

I don't know I think I gotta be honest with you dude this whole podcast I've just been in my head about when is this shit gonna fucking end

I've had it for real I have ideas that I want to go out and say on stage. I want to fucking hang out. The good thing is I haven't smoked cigars. Yeah, me either.

Sorry. I have not smoked a cigar in fucking forever. Look at me. Look how clear my skin is. I think I look 49. You look good. Yeah, I'm going fucking stir crazy and I've noticed that my patience around the house is shorter. So I have to figure out what I'm doing here because I can't have that. So I think I'm going to start going for walks.

How locked down are you guys? Are you guys 100% locked down? Yeah, the only time I leave the house is if I have to go grocery shopping. And, you know, my mother-in-law, you know, she's down the street. She doesn't, you know, she doesn't go out or anything. She's extra careful. Cause she's at that age where she's vulnerable. So we've gone over there a few times, like once a week,

we've gone over there. Um, it's amazing how much fun just getting out of the house and going somewhere is where you're like today, we had to go over to a notary public and I was like, Oh, come on, let's, this is going to be fun. Should we dress up? Yeah, no, I've been going,

I've been actually going on drives with the family to parts of LA that I never go to. Really? And it's been, yeah, it's been great. It's been great. I mean, there's some really, really beautiful places outside of LA, you know, outside of Glendale and Pasadena up in those hills and shit are really, really nice. But it's just like. It's a little deceiving because during this time when nobody's on the road, you can get there in 20 minutes. Yeah. And I have to remind myself that like when this city is the way it usually is,

you know, 20 minutes sometimes I can ride a bike further. I was looking up motorcycles this morning. Oh, yeah. I'm back on that too. Get a dirt bike. Get a dirt bike. I was going to reach out to Glendale, Harley Davidson of Glendale, and just go, just send me over something cheap that would be fun.

I don't need the biggest thing. Just send it over. I'll give you cash. I just want something. Like, it would be fun to, like, this morning I was up at 4 in the morning. It would have been fun to throw on, have a cup of coffee, throw on a helmet, fucking get on the bike and just take it up around Mulholland, go down to Malibu, come back, be back at 6 in the morning.

The kids would never even know I was gone. Yeah, I think, you know, a couple of buddy of mine that are older and have kids and shit, they ride on Sunday mornings. But you got to watch out on those canyon roads. There's a few of them out there where, like, those lunatic, the young kids, I'm never going to die, they get out there on those japanese bikes just flying so they're like missiles coming around the corner so i've always been like i've never been a guy that's into speed i've always just been like i mean obviously you can tell if i'm excited about a 10 window dodge van from the mid 60s i'm not really a speed demon but um i like the new indians and i i always like

the uh the harley i think it's just called the it's it's not the it's not the road king it's the one without the bags that one with white wall tires forget about it oh yeah yeah yeah kim jong-il used to race cars up in the streets of penang when he was a kid him and his friends just a little sidebar did they used to fix him up did they do it themselves oh no i don't think he ever learned anything i think he just got tons of money see the russians and the chinese used to send over money for the people and the kims used to just take it and allocate it wherever they saw fit so a lot of uh a lot of uh saw fit. So a lot of retreats. They have a lot of spa homes.

Anywhere they had a beautiful view, just put up a home. I love learning something about something. Let me ask you a question. When are we going to lift the economic sanctions on that fucking place? It's just like they want to be communist. Let them be communist. It's just I don't understand. I guess I understood it back in the day when it was like

right after world war ii when you had stalin and you know these guys are now these going to be the new guys trying to take over the world you can't take over the world we want to take over the world you know i think it's a human humanitarian thing i think there's i think people want us to uh that that he's not good to his people, theoretically. It's interesting because- But we're not good to our people. Yeah, I think he- But we're not good to our people with the fucking-

He takes it to the next level. Listen, if there was economic fucking sanctions here and then food became scarce, who do you think would be fucking eating? Who do you think wouldn't be? You think they would do anything about it? Have they done anything about this fucking drug epidemic? that the goddamn uh look at me i'm up on my stump now the fucking uh pharmaceutical company started no because they lined their fucking pockets i'll tell you right now there's come fucking november did you uh did you i'll

i'll pivot and change subjects i saw last night okay, okay, there were arguments on Charles Barkley said who the greatest NBA players were. Because have you been watching the documentary film The Last Dance with Michael Jordan? Of course. Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's, it's, sidebar, it's produced by Jordan, so it's gonna be a little, we get it, you, you know? But I bet I could make a documentary that says I'm a pretty good basketball player also. But Charles Barkley. Me-ow, Bert. He kind of was the greatest of all time.

Charles Barkley says he was the greatest, but he doesn't even put Kobe or LeBron in the top seven he's like Elgin Baylor Kareem uh uh Wilt Chamberlain Bill Russell like he puts I don't have a problem with that and the thing about my buddy said the best thing he said when he watches that Jordan thing and you see how much he loved his coaches how coachable he was and how when he couldn't beat the Pistons, he lifted weights and wanted to beat them. And he was saying, that is my disconnect from that generation to the new generation, where it was just like, you can't beat them, join them. And I know all the young people are going to be like, all right, this is just an old guy going, eh, when I was a kid, that was real basketball. But it's just undeniable to me that like, if you can't beat a fucking team and then you just join the team and then become a champion, champion, that's not anywhere near what, you know, Larry had to do, what Magic had to do,

what Isaiah and the Pistons had to do, what, you know, all of those guys had to do, like what the Spurs did. You know, I'm not – look, the game has changed with, like, free agents and that. What I'm talking about is when these guys all get together, like the Miami Heat thing where they all got together and sat on a fucking boat we all go here blah blah blah blah and then you know they win all these championships it's just

not it's not it's not the same thing but it would be you could argue that when the Lakers and the Celtics they had all I mean I feel like they had all the best players in the league they had kareem they had magic they had uh the the i'm going now is you're punishing them for being good at drafting those were all draft kareem was the only free agent you just named there really he was from the box and everybody i mean you look i'm not begrudging somebody one free agent. What I'm talking about is KD going seven games, up three games to one against Golden State. And they didn't know how to win, and Golden State did.

And Golden State showed why they were champions. And then that offseason is the offseason you're looking for Durant to be lifting the weights and, you know, doing the Jordan thing. And then he joins Golden State, which was like – that year in the NBA was like a – I used to joke it was like a bad Hollywood movie where you know how it's going to end before it even starts. Like, you know, all right, I'm watching Speed. I know Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock aren't going to fucking die. I know they're going to stop this bus. It's just how are they going to end before it even starts like you know all right i'm watching speed i know keanu reeves and sandra bullock aren't going to fucking die i know they're going to stop this bus it's just how are they going to do everybody knew they go oh kevin durant joins the fucking warriors there's

no way they're not going to win it and then they went out and did it was boring as shit and i think all of those players that were left off are is good but you don't know how good because Kobe just sat there and it just rained free agents on him. His entire fucking career, the best free agent talent, the best coaching talent, everything just fell in his lap. LeBron, the one with him that is most impressive is LeBron when he went back to the Cavaliers. And I i know they had free agents but he went out and beat the juggernaut that was the warriors yeah like to me that's that's his champion him as as as like that's the closest thing to what it used to be um so i mean these guys like all of those guys that were left off the list they could have played in any era but it, it's undeniable that you had to be tougher back then because

people could get way more physical with you and you couldn't just, you know, lose to magic and then sit on a boat with them next year and be like, Hey, is it cool if I get on your guy's boat and then we all win it and then I get a ring. I mean, I'm just, no one did that. You're right. No one did that.

Yeah. So I think that those players that are left off are it's, it's justifiable. And then also they're a little bit of a victim of their time because the game was so, I mean, I say this respectfully, the game was so boring back then like when i watched kareem's highlight reel top 10 kareem abdul-jabbar plays and i i'm not shitting on kareem at all like i

think he was amazing but it's just it's it's astonishingly boring like it because you know what it is you you have that instagram thing in your head of i want to see someone going over it's like i'm not i'm not lying no no no no no you want to see someone going over and then nobody in the paint because it's not legal to be there for more than a second and a half and then you get out of the paint because you don't want to be on the instagram video dude the the number of uncontested dunks in the NBA is ridiculous. If you watch fucking Bill Lambert, that fucking serial killer, six foot 11 serial killer, you'd go up for a dunk and he would have his hands like this. Did you see that on the

Jordan thing? I did. And he goes like palms like this. So it's the bone shit. Fucking right at night. There's not bones the rest of your head but he just and and then the second he hits you then he fucking turns around like dude guys tried to take your fucking head off like it was just like yeah back in the day you had to go into the trees is what they called it you had you had to be um who the fuck was saying he said back back in the day he goes you had to be ferocious to dunk yeah okay and i'm not saying that all of these these fucking guys who are dunking today couldn't dunk back then. They absolutely could have.

But the wear and tear that would have happened to your body and the injuries that you would have gotten. I mean, there was no three-second rule for it. A defender could just stand in the paint. Their big man just fucking stood there. That's what they said you got that you got the fucking elbow that's why they said that when when Jordan was drafted in the league they're like he won't be a superstar he's not over seven feet and they're like in order to be a

superstar you have to be over seven feet that's how you'd be a superstar dude no no not a superstar because there was superstar Dr. J was on it he you mean he's not going to be able to turn a team around? That's what I meant. Yeah, my bad. Yeah. It's interesting because you look at Kareem, who they would argue is number – a lot of people would say Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

was the greatest NBA player ever just based on stats, right? My buddy says that based on stats he was. And the fact that you say that he's fucking boring to watch that guy was poetry in motion is bill top 10 Kareem plays I'm not joking one of them's a free throw that's like the top 10 Kareem plays are just that you're you're Kareem's a victim of whoever put that fucking thing together Kareem didn't put I bet if Kareem had the final edit whoever put that fucking thing together. Kareem didn't put that. I bet if Kareem had the final edit, he wouldn't have put a fucking foul shot on his career high.

The guy scored 40,000 fucking points, and you show a foul shot, you fucking lazy cunt. Why don't you go to somebody's YouTube channel? I'm a Celtics fan, and I'm telling you, that guy is arguably the greatest fucking player of all time i was laying in bed at four in the morning going a fucking free throw this is what i don't understand is the sky hook was unguardable it was it was amazing nobody nobody has added that to their game nobody it was unguardable and it was

just i mean it was you watch it and he's doing it three pointers like that i don't think he did three pointers top of the key maybe come on he was doing fuck this shit i i fuck fuck this whole story no night you were doing your little bingo bango, your rock and roll. What do you call it? Razzle dazzle. A little razzle dazzle. I think you had a little razzle dazzle going on. You're probably watching a fucking rec game live on Zoom. I just found it. You're right.

That sky hook was really beautiful. And when you watch it, it looks so effortless. And you could not stop it. I mean, you would literally need an eight-foot guy to stop it because he would jump up, and then he had his hand like that, and he would just flick the wrist. He had the fucking goggles. Dude, I love Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yeah, I love. I'm a huge Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fan. My theory is what you said is I think I was like, there's no question I'm watching this documentary on Jordan. I'm like, he's the greatest ever. And then, you know, some documentary filmmakers, Ken Burns is one of them says, but it's not fair. He made it about himself. Like he made it about himself. That's not a real documentary, a real documentary.

We would have gone in and shown you who this guy is. And then you, and then what you said is brilliant because what if Kareem's what if Kareem decided I want to tell everyone I'm the greatest I'm going to do a film about myself because so wait a second so Jordan isn't the greatest because the greatest documentarian Ken Burns said his documentary is not a documentary. He wasn't talking about his basketball game. He's just saying this is a bit of a fluff piece. Yeah, that's what he said. That's what he said.

Well, did he then talk about the Hillary Clinton one? No, he didn't. No, he didn't. So maybe he's getting into his feelings because way more people give a shit about a fucking fluff piece about Michael Jordan than they do about his fucking 20 hours on the Civil War. Yeah. I don't understand why.

I don't understand why, like, why do I need to see, like, the sports writers jealous, resentful? Like, all you're doing is it's like you're mixing an album. And if you let the sports writers do it, who watched all those beautiful women faint when he walked off the fucking court, watched him get in his fucking, that Ferrari California that he was driving in the fucking snow yeah his fucking earring and just seeing him just being world famous the coolest smoothest fucking alpha fucking male ever smoothest you think you think if they when they do that when they mix that album they're not going to be like oh what about his hall of Fame speech? And he gambled and he boo-boo, boo-boo, boo-boo and all this fucking shit.

I actually, I don't think that doing a documentary is then like just showing all this negative, negative, negative shit about people. I think that that's like, I used to watch documentaries when I was a kid. I don't remember shit like that. I don't remember them going, you know, Abe Lincoln, you know, he got us through the Civil War, but, you know, he could be a bit of a cunt at dinner. Here's his daughter's letter saying how he fucking screamed at her or something like that.

And, like, now, now I get to understand the man more. I understand that Michael Jordan is a human being. So he is flawed. I don't give a shit. Yeah. I don't want, I don't need to know that he was messy around the house and,

and, and whatever. But I mean, I heard that in the next few episodes, so they're going to talk about some of the, some of that shit. But I also understand that he's like, I'm not going to have some fucking nerd with a camera

go out and tell the world who I am. Yeah. Because then that literally becomes like drugs that have stepped on. Because now who Michael Jordan becomes is, who Michael Jordan is mixed with the guy who makes the documentaries issues. All his childhood, all this guy that makes documentaries issues, then get filtered into how we now will forever perceive Michael Jordan, is what you're saying?

Yeah, I think you're going to get a purer idea of Michael Jordan with one that only he has final edit on, because now I understand how he sees himself. And through that, you can then look at the other negative shit and then apply that. Okay, looking out his own head, this is what he sees. As opposed to this other guy who never played fucking basketball, but knows how to edit and fucking put a story together.

Like, acting like that's a purer version of who michael jordan is when like don't i want to hear it from the guy who's with michael jordan every second of his fucking life yeah yeah i started yelling at you in this like you're making the other documentary i'm sorry no no i like i – I was so obsessed with the Michael Jordan documentary that I was – that I kind of look – I look for people with opposing views going like, it can't be that. Like, it can't be that.

Someone's got to hate it, right? Man, I found them. Charles Barkley. I guess Timmy Charles Barkley didn't get along maybe. No, they were friends. Were they? Yeah. Charles Barkley calls I guess him and Charles Barkley didn't get along, maybe. No, they were friends. Were they? Yeah. Charles Barkley calls Jordan the greatest, but doesn't put LeBron and Kobe in there.

Well, then he doesn't have an issue with Jordan then, does he? No, no, no. That's how he just presented. Well, thank God you're not making a documentary. I'd be all over the fucking map. You're kidding me? I want to make a... I used to want to do a show about... I used to want to do a show about comed used to want to do a show about comedians but instead of uh instead of doing a documentary it would be bringing in all the top

comics all my favorite comics that i love to tell stories about that person so like you do a tell right and then everyone you go like today's episode Dave Attell. And then it would just be stories. I understand we have a little man in the room. Yeah. My favorite Attell story ever is ever, ever, ever. You know, I was obsessed with him when I started doing stand-up. Me and Eddie Ipser were off the wagon on McDougal. And we sit down at a table and Attell's over at the bar.

And Eddie goes, oh, Attell's over there. And I was I don't I don't really know him I've never really met him and he's like oh he's cool as shit man well let's go over we'll get a drink we'll go over and we'll say hi I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and we go to get up from our tables and the bartender comes over with two shots of Jameson and puts him down on the table and and he goes uh guys these are from Dave Attell and we went oh nice and he we go to stand up and grab table, and he goes, guys, these are from Dave Attell. And we went, oh, nice. And we go to stand up and grab our shots, and he goes, leave him alone. And so – And Attell just goes like this to us, like, how you doing?

And we went, okay, and just have our shot. Wow, that's an old-school, classy guy move right there. Yeah, leave him alone. Hey, send those two new comics a shot of jameson on me and tell him to leave me alone thanks that's when you read yeah let's do the reads here now that we talked about how we're not good at reading out loud we're now we're gonna do some reads all right there's three three reads all right you want me to go first Bert yeah all right Fitbit that's what I'm Fitvine I'm sorry Fitvine all right okay everybody it's Fitvine do you enjoy wine oh who doesn't but

wonder what what's actually in it all the time now I'm nervous I already fucked up on the first sentence do you enjoy wine but wonder what's actually in it? Fitvine wines put all of that out in the open. With less than one gram of sugar per bottle, fewer sulfites, less tannins. Oh, good. Less tannins. Thank God, right? Fitvine wines are just grapes.

Better yet, Fitvine wines are gluten-free vegan paleo and keto friendly oh shut up are they telling me i can drink this and still have abs i think that's what they're saying bill i think i'm coming back i'm playing for the wizards no flavor additives lower carbs full flavor it's got everything we want and all the stuff we don't want, Bill. Yeah. Every wine has less than nine grams of sugar per glass or less than one gram per bottle, with some bottles having as little as 0.0 grams of sugar per glass. Gluten-free, vegan-friendly, paleo-friendly, keto-friendly, non-GMO. You can get fucked up and still have a flat stomach, unless you drink 10 bottles, probably. You can find Fitvine, F-I-T-V-I-N-E wines in most stores. But if you want to find the closest location and not have to deal with people,

go to fitvinewine.com and use the store locator. Better yet, at fitvinewine.com, you can get by. See this? You can get by online for delivery straight to your door. Is that actually English? You can get by online? You can get by online. All right.

Anyways, whether you like white wine, red wine, rosé, or even Prosecco. What's that? Prosecco is like uh it's like a champagne but it's not champagne because it's not from champagne it's good oh you got a culture guy here fit vine has you covered with less sugary dietary friendly full-bodied wines made for you enjoy responsibly oh that's i don't think we were i don't think we were selling it responsibly, but go ahead. If you're listening to this podcast right now, I want you to take a second and look down. When was the last time you shaved your junk?

It's been a while. Don't lie, right? Manscaped is forever changing the game of grooming with their Perfect Package 3.0 Essential Kit. The Perfect Package 3.0 Kit comes with a new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0 Waterproof, cordless body trimmer, and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your manscaping routine. And, of course, let's not forget about the Crops Preserver, an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer.

You've already put deodorant on your underarms, right? Why wouldn't you put it on your balls? Why wouldn't you put it on your balls? You're putting it on your... Think of all the expressions. I got my balls in a sling. Yeah. My balls were in my throat.

A lot of things happen to your balls over the course of the day. You can give them a little, you know, tender love and care here. Yeah. And then when you close the deal, you can go, that's because I have my crop preserver. My balls have been moisturized and deodorized all day long. My balls were chilling in that meeting. When you purchase the new package,

new perfect package 3.0 kit at manscaped.com, you'll get the biggest bang for your buck. Subscribers get a new replacement blade refill to your subscribers get a new replacement read come on bert hang in there subscribers get a new replacement blade refill for your lawnmower trimmer delivered to your door every three months making sure your trimmer always stays fresh and clean. For a limited time right now, subscribers get not one but two free gifts. The Shed Travel Bag, valued at $39, and the Patent High Performance Anti-Chafing Manscaped Boxer Briefs.

Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code BILLBURT at manscaped.com. Do yourself a favor and always use the right tool for your job. Get 20% off and free shipping using the code BillBurt at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com. And use the code BillBurt. Your partner, your body, your balls, everyone, including yourself, will thank you. Yeah, BillBurt, B-I-L-L-B-E-R-T at Manscaped.com.

Because I would have spelled it B-U-R-T. Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, look, everybody. It's Simply Safe. You know, with all the uncertainty in the world, feeling safe at home has never been more important. It's why I want to talk to you about Simply Safe Home Security.

They're longtime friends of the Bill Burtt podcast, and for good reason. SimpliSafe has made it easy to finally get comprehensive protection for your home. There's no technician or salesperson that needs to come and disrupt your house. You don't need to pay any outrageous monthly fees or sign a two-year contract. You don't need to do that. You just order online. Set it up yourself in under an hour, and your home is protected 24-7 with emergency dispatch for break-ins, fire, and more, all for just 50 cents a day.

50 cents? 50 cents. It's ridiculous. And we're not the only, I mean, ridiculous in a good way. And we're not the only fans of SimpliSafe. Use U.S. News and World Report named Simply Safe Best Overall Home Security of 2020. Right now, when you head to simplysafe.com slash Bill Burt, my listeners will get free shipping and our listeners will get free shipping and a

60-day risk-free trial. That's simplysafe.com slash Bill Burt, B-I-L E R T all caps to make sure they know that our show sent you from simply safe and all of us here wishing you safety and good health. That last one was a pretty good read. That was really good. You got ahead of yourself at one, at one point, I feel like you start dancing with it because it said, uh, us and I read it as us. it because it said uh us and i read it as us i was uh the first time i ever us a that's my country the first time i ever had to read prompter i thought that the speed i had to keep up with the speed he was putting it on so i was trying to keep up with him not realizing that my reading dictated the speed so i tore through reads like hey this episode on the and i just and the guy was like man you're really going fast and i was like i'm trying to keep up

with you and he was like uh you i i keep up with you and i was like what he was like you pick the speed you read at and then i'll keep up with you and i went oh and so the next read was literally me going, hey, welcome back. Oh, man. You know, a long time ago, I just accepted my stupidity in certain areas. And it's very liberating. You just walk into a place, just say, listen, I'm not good at reading out loud. I always like downplay. I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking moron, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So anything else looks like a good performance. If you walk in there, right? Like you're the next Johnny Bravo. Then they have expectations and then they get disappointed or whatever. Why does that doorknob look so huge? So wait, so when I was down in Florida, one of the Native Americans, they gave me this little necklace here. It was supposed to be for good health and I've been terrified to throw it out. My wife won this fishing in Iceland.

Really? Well, I mean, it's a fishing charter. If you catch anything, they give you a fucking medal. You ready for this, Bill? Yes. What is that? This is the L.A. Marathon. Oh, dude, you just big league me.

Oh, no. You know what? I thought that those were just going to be bullshit ones that you got at shows. Dude, L.A. Marathon. That's better than anything I own. What's that? St. Pete Half Marathon. The Spartan Race.

This makes no sense. How have you done all of these? And you look the way you look. I know, right? You should be emaciated. Dude, it's so crazy. I've been running like crazy lately and I looked at how fast I ran

the LA Marathon and I'm not running that fast on the treadmill lately. I must have been skinnier. I'm eating like fucking shit. You're older, dude. Relax. You're older. Don't. I can't stop with fucking snacks. I can't fucking

stop. If you put a chocolate bar on top of these nature Valley granola bars and put it in the oven at three 50 for like 10 minutes, Bill, it's the greatest snack you've ever had in your fucking life. All right, slow down, slow down. What is that? Honey and what? Oh, honey and oats, honey and oats, everybody. And what I did was I took a score bar, right? I took the bottom off the score bar I didn't know that strip club had their own candy bars sorry that is a very very old reference that really is that's a oh all right I'm sorry I interrupted so you take the oats and honey, and then you put a chocolate, a score bar. I took, so what I did is I took the bottom chocolate off the score bar, right?

Meaning the bottom slab. I took a knife and I cut it off. So now I have a thing of chocolate. Then I took the score bar and I crashed the s'more bar, score bar, so it was a bunch of like bits of toffee. I sprinkled the toffee on top. I put the chocolate on top. Bill, it was so good.

It was so good that I couldn't stop eating it. I literally, I made six of them. That's two in each of these. I made three of them and I just, I had them all over and I just kept taking little bites of them. Oh my God. You know what? That's why adults are fat, are fat. Why? They always sit there and they try to make it all about, oh, your metabolism slows down. You need to take these testosterone pills and all that. What it is, Bert, is you moved out. You don't have a parent sitting there going, how many of those did you have? Knock it off. It's one of the greatest things and the scariest things about living on your own is there's nobody there. You have to

be your own parent, which I was not able to do with drinking. You know what it was? Once I brought the booze home, I started making a little money and i had all this top shelf booze there was no reason to go out and then there was also no reason to stop because i didn't have to drive home yeah like i was never a really big uber guy so um yeah that's that's that's what that's about hey i got an idea for you shoot because you why don't you do the dad bod 5k for charity? And it's a bunch of shirtless dads run a 5k marathon for childhood diabetes. I like this. How about this? How about this, Bill? We do a show the night before and everyone that's going to the show is registered for the race. And they've got to have at least four beers the night before so everyone's

got to get this is why you're you're going to be worth tens of millions of dollars because you always have great ideas with this ridiculous level of fun you really if i was in my 20s whatever 30s or whatever there's i there's no fucking way i'm not showing up and doing that it would be so much fun i would go i would go with my whole crew. I used to hang with roughly six to eight booze bags like me back in the day in Massachusetts. We would all go to that show, and we would get fucked up. And then run the next show.

Who of us wouldn't show up, but the other six would make it? Dude, it would be great. It would be fucking awesome. All right. Well, you can't say The Hangover because that's the movie. I was going to say The Hangover, Hike or something. It's got to be some alliteration there. Is that a fucking bird?

Did anybody else hear that? Is that a fucking hawk? Have you been hearing birds at night more than, say, around midnight? Do you hear birds outside more than normal? Yeah, they're reclaiming territory. Not necessarily birds, but, like, there's definitely been some coyotes and shit. Yeah. Coming down and, like, I've told my wife, you know, but, you know, they don't listen to you.

I'm just a dumb guy, right? I tell her, I go, when you go outside, mama bear is never away from the cub. All right? There's coyotes. You know, there's a couple of mountain lions out here. There's hawks and shit. Like, I don't want to be that guy. Dude, coyotes just look evil, man.

They have a look on their, wild animals just have, they have that look. I used to do a bit. I'm doing all my bits here now because there's no place to do them. I used to do a bit like looking into a wild animal's eyes is the same. Like it's like looking at, like, like locking eyes with the hooker, like a street walking hooker. Like it's, it's the real deal. It's going down if you want it. It's not some chick dick teasing you trying to get a free drink the shit is happening like you know you'll see some mean dog in your neighborhood he'll bite your leg or some shit

like that like those fucking things will eat you yeah we uh i had a hooker proposition me in vegas one time i mean without blaming the hooker with without a doubt the most beautiful woman i mean just oh that's a call girl or that's a fresh hooker is it was a call girl and i think hookers are outside the elements so they they age like i do in the sun she was a call girl she probably got sent to the casino. Guy crapped out or got too drunk, passed out. She lost the money. She was on the floor trying to make some money back up. She came down.

It was me and my buddy Eddie. And she was like, what are you guys doing tonight? And we were like, I was just hanging out. We're like, wow, she's talking to us. This is like fresh out of college, right? You must have saw the show. Yeah. I was like, we're just hanging out, you know?

And she's like, you guys want to party tonight we're like fuck yeah she's like let's go get a drink and we were like okay so we started walking to go to the drink she's like so who's fucking me tonight and we're like and i'm looking at eddie and i'm like i uh either i i don't know who you attracted to she goes it doesn't matter and we were like doesn't matter she was like yeah 1500 bucks and this is back like not saying that i would spend 1500 bucks on pussy but i really didn't have 1500 bucks at all so the idea of 1500 bucks was like more money than i had like ever had planned like 1500 bucks i can get a boat for that

yeah tomorrow i'd still have the boat i don't understand what's happening here dude don't you wish you said that 1500 bucks i could buy a boat i could get a used honda shadow 750 it burns oil but i, I can second fucking it with the helmet. I can get that for under a grand. Did you ever hear Jim Norton's joke? He had a call girl come to his house, and she goes, five grand. And he goes, five grand? Do I get to keep your head well here's my question when she said the drink when you went up who paid for the drink

oh we stopped in between slot machines and we were like excuse me she's like 1500 bucks which one of you and we were like but you're a prostitute she was like oh fuck you guys and just walked away and we're like wait wait this is going away too quick hold on start it over we're from tallahassee you yelled that in the casino don't leave wait a minute you're a prostitute she's like keep it down over there Keep it down over there. Well, wait a minute. Cocaine is illegal.

A couple of rubes. Two people went to a casino in Vegas. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, that same trip. We went to the strip club. And we were with – I forget the guy we were with. And he comes down – OGs, Olympic Gardens.

And so the guy sits down at the thing, and he goes – he looks at my buddy Eddie, and he goes, I think that chick's into me. And we were like, really? And he was like, yeah, she let me lick her nipples. And he goes, if she let you lick her nipples, she's probably let everyone lick her nipples. He looks at us watching us.

It's 3 in the morning. How many people do you think licked her nipples before you? It's so fucking gross. I like, too, that she let him do that and then he goes i think she's into me like how low self-esteem does he have oh i think you're kind of in there if you look in the nipples i think you kind of uh i'd say that there's definitely uh an attraction there oh that's that guy eddie used to make me laugh so hard only because like you ever have one of those kids that you grew up with that you knew your whole like growing up through college or high

school and there were there were you were raised on the same kind of values so certain things that you'd meet a new person and they'd bring in their values and then they'd leave and you guys would commiserate and go oh that guy that guy. Like, I remember, I remember a guy told us a story and he about, Hey, he was at we're at a party and he was like, yeah. And then the next morning he was like, it was great, man. I met this chick in the, in the back. And then she took me out in the back and I just fucked her up against a

trash can. It was awesome. It was like, I was, I just pulled my pants down and I just started railing her and he left. And Eddie just right when my brain was right there. Eddie looked at me, and he goes, not once did he say put on a condom. I was like, that's what I was thinking. But who would say that? I don't know, but two kids from Tallahassee.

And I took out a condom. I did it. I was able to maintain my erection despite the temperature outside. Oh. What a buzz. All right. Well, I think we're up against it here, man. Another quick 90 minutes.

That was a good one. Am I crazy? Andrew. Yes? He's muted himself. Yeah. Okay, cool. All right.

What do you got planned? You going to go wake the baby up? She doesn't get up till like four. So I was actually gonna go on a little hike and try to get some of this fucking energy off of me. So I'm a little easier. You know, that's my big thing, man. I know I'm a lot.

My wife, I just heard my wife, the horn beat for my car. My wife just pulled up to the front yard. Well, there you go. Look at that. Perfect. This worked this worked out perfect bill is it easier when the kids are older no oh dude i let's get into that the next podcast you just would drop three octaves yeah oh yeah oh yeah i know because then you don't know who they're hanging out with or what the fuck they're doing. Today I said, I wish they invented a drug test pee slip where you could just put it in the toilet, and it would be like, there's enough remnants. She's been smoking something. Oh, boy.

I don't think either of my kids have tried marijuana, but I would like to know. Like, I would like, like, I'm just curious enough where I go, you know, she goes on these bike rides every night. Cause she wants to like clear her head. So I let her go on these bike rides.

And I was like, I might, when I was in fucking 10th grade, I would have gone on a bike ride, gotten high, come home and like, all right, I'm gonna go listen to music.

I love you guys. So it's like, I'm times I would have committed. Yeah. But but the upside is is despite the fact that you did that you still got to where you're at so i'm trying to spin it positively perfect we'll talk about that i'll say that you know someday i'll just i'll say to my daughter i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie to her about the dumb shit that i did but i'm also at what age are you gonna tell her the truth is the question? When she asked me.

10 years old. You ever smoked pot, Dad? Yeah. Stupid. I wish I didn't. I wish I never fucking drank the way I did. I did damage for 14 years to my body. I wish I could have back.

And when you do it, it never comes back. And you only get, it's like, you know, I'll just tell it. I'll tell it about, you know, all the friends that I had that died and OD'd and all of this shit. It's like, it's not a fucking game. And it's just something when you're young, it's just like a thing, a dumb thing that you do. And I was not an addictive personality, but I got myself to a point where I now, I opened Pandora's box to a point where I lost the ability to just sort of have a beer. I think I could do it. I don't know. But the thing is, is you just immediately go and you pick up where you left off. Because if you listen to me talking about drinking,

I'm not talking about like, oh, man, it's a hot day. I would love to have a nice ice cold fucking Santa or a Guininness i'm not saying that i'm saying like dude fucking day drinking in a shot i am ready to fuck bingo bingo bingo yeah no i realized that i am a a binger i'm a rager like whatever i fucking do i just i fucking get into it and then i like this helicopter shit I was like dude I'm gonna take this all the way to being an instructor I'll learn how to fucking teach somebody like I have to watch out for that because that is why I was like I did well with like comedy and show business but then if I take that same business model and apply it to boozing, things go off the rails.

All right. Well, enjoy your hike. I know. That doesn't sound exciting at all. All right. All right, Bert. Andrew, thank you, guys. And thank you to everybody listening.

And let's keep our fingers crossed for May 15th that somehow this is all going to magically go away. Fingers crossed. Yeah. All right, brother. I'll talk to you later. Okay. This has been another edition of The Bill. Fingers crossed. Yeah. All right, brother. I'll talk to you later. Okay, this has been another edition of The Bill. Bert. Pod.

Cast. I don't like that you do the delay because then it leaves the camera on me like... All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see you later. Thanks, guys. See you guys.