The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 15 w. Jim Norton

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle with Jim Norton about hero fantasies, legendary radio bits, and humiliating good friends.

All right. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another wonderful episode of The Bill. Oh, God. I can't stop laughing. Keep finishing up. I can't stop laughing. Go ahead. All right. Pod. Yes. That was the worst one ever. So, Jim, the last time we did one of these, I took my creative to like wait to say my name he goes the bill and i waited and he goes don't ever do that again because you leave me sitting on the screen like

this yeah like the reporter anyways we have the wonderful legendary the funniest dudes i haven't met quick comedic mind i'm trying to just give him all these compliments to watch him get uncomfortable it really does bug me too i hate it i mean he really is he's somebody who's driven me to get better as a performer oh he's oh yeah oh yeah take it jimmy and he's been crushing with the jim and sam show on sirius satellite radio, a legendary comedian and radio broadcaster. You might recognize him from his star-making turn in Spider-Man. That's more like it. What else did I see you in? I saw you in something else where they had you with more than two lines

in the back of a van. I saw you in something. You were good. In the back of a van? No, no. The Spider-Man thing, you were standing in front of a truck. But I'm saying I saw you in something else recently i don't know i watched shit and i forget like last night my wife was watching uh reality bites and she goes this is one of my

favorite movies of all time and so i sat down and i watched it and david spade had like a bit part and i was thinking like oh yeah this came out in. He'd been on SNL for a couple of years. I don't know what the, there was sort of a non-sequitur there, but welcome Jimmy. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, Bert. I think your intro was pretty good actually.

It was smooth. You guys, you guys are doing good. So Jim, how much money were you making when you worked on ONA? What's that? We like to do the hard hitting interviews, Jim jim what did you say i said how much money were you making when you worked on o and a i started making oh i was joking you don't have to tell me oh okay yeah please tell please tell i think that's already on bobby kelly's podcast

did he ask me i don't even remember if he asked me no he's bobby kelly has a patreon with ant and the clip that he used and was mentioning some of the some of the figures and uh didn't talk about your money nomical they were astronomical and i always wondered because there was this uh you always as a listener you you always knew that, that, uh, OP and Anthony had big deals. And I always knew that you were just, you always had the attitude of like, I'm just happy to be here. This is a great gig.

It's fun. You kind of were like the, you, the Sherpa for bringing, getting comics in on the show. But when I heard Ant say he was making $10 million for a two year contract, I was like, what the fuck? Oh my God. Do you know what's funny? for a two-year contract, I was like, what the fuck? Oh, my God. Do you know what's funny?

What you just said, in all the years I know those guys, is the first I've ever known what they made. And all of these years, I never knew what Opie and Anthony made. I never asked. I knew that I could find out, but I didn't want to know. I had no idea what Opie and Anthony were making until you just said that. That's funny. When I started on satellite with them, I was making 52 000 a year in um i think at wnew and then that's i think

that's what i started at at uh xm 52 a year and then it wound up doubling to 100 and then i wound up going higher but i never made close to a million dollars. I mean, way less than that. It's so crazy because, you know, I think if you had told me when I first started listening to the show they were making $10 million every two years, I would have been like, that's more money. They'll never need to, because, you know, the confidence they'd have when things got shut down, when they got fired, I was like,

what kind of fucking paychecks do they have where they go, I don, when they got fired, I was like, how much, what kind of fucking paychecks do they have where they go, I don't have to work anymore. I'm good. And then you go, Oh, that makes sense. Now,

was that on satellite or was that on any W? I think it was on any W to be honest with you. I think that's what he shared with. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Cause there was a rumor that they were making like 30 million a year.

It was, it might've been less on satellite. I don't, I don't know, but I know that in were making like $30 million a year. It might have been less on Satellite. I don't know. But I know that in Satellite, when we went to KROQ at one point, and we got syndicated to like seven or eight markets, I don't know what they were getting, but they gave me a really nice bump. It was almost like $10,000 a market. So, I mean, for the major markets and like $7,000 for the smaller markets.

So, I'm like, if I'm getting that, and those guys were just opening up and both being pretty generous with me, what they must've been getting must've been a lot more. I never wanted to know. Here's the question everyone wants to know is when, is there a possibility? You guys are like the Eagles or like Guns N' Roses. Are we ever gonna get the original lineup?

No, I don't think so. I don't think so, no. There's too much bad blood. And it's all like, I get why bands break up. Me and Anthony are still very close. But again, Ope has his point of view. He blames us. We blame him.

I mean, it's how everybody blames each other. That's how it is when a relationship collapses. That's why there's prenups. Because, you know, the wife says one thing, the husband says one, you know, everybody looks at their shit differently. So it makes me kind of bummed that we won't. But I don't think there's ever a path back. You know, I mean, it's going to happen. You think so? I think so, too. I think and then by the end of this decade, or the end of this coronavirus, who knows? It's a weird thing that brings people together.

So how have you been doing? I don't want to sit here and talk about your past the whole time. Oh, you can. You're sick of doing that. But the Jim and Sam show, when that came out, everyone was kind of like, well, let's see, how is this going to work? Everybody knew Jim, knew you from being on the the air and Sam would pop in or whatever. You guys have been like really, really successful. And, um, during this pandemic, you guys have been able to continue broadcasting. You're still doing

five days a week and everything. We do four days, Monday through Thursday, where we go, uh, seven to 10, I think that's why they gave me this great equipment. It's the only reason I sound decent is because they sent me equipment. But yeah, I mean, it's good to be doing that. And the UFC podcast, like I'm just,

I'm being able to do that shit so I can at least work and make, and make the money. Cause fucking comics who can't do anything right now. It stinks. Like just sitting in the house podcast, at least you got a podcaster. You got a F is for family to not be able to do anything would be fucking horrible. Yeah.

This shit happened back when I first came to new york i would have had to eventually a couple months in i would have had to just left my apartment and gone back home to my parents i mean i yeah i've been thinking about that as far as like i'm really i feel very fortunate that this shit happened when i'm where i'm at now so uh but there's been some. We did some stuff at the comedy store for comics and, Netflix is going to do something for comedians or whatever. Uh, I hope, and you know,

it's not enough. It's not enough too, but I was thinking the other day, I have not done standup since March 10th. And I was trying to think of my act. I just can't, when this whole thing is over, I want to be down at the clubs.

The first night is we're all hanging on the mic stand like fucking open mic It's trying to remember what the hell we with like poise But like the the material of like, I don't know a feature actor or a new uh open mic or something Dude, every comedian is going to be doing exact hanging on the mic stand Try it like we're going to think that there's so such a wealth to talk about and stand up there and go Fuck, how crazy was that and have no jokes it's just gonna be a comment on how crazy everything was and nobody wants to hear every comic doing a bunch of corona jokes um you know like if we can all get a few decent ones but i have a feeling people are gonna be so fucking sick of hearing

about it like i'm sure there's guys writing corona novels right now about the lockdown and i can't wait to see those fucking bomb and make no money because everybody's gonna be talking about it you know what you know what you know what stuck in my head the other day i started to write a bit and i went uh i was at the grocery store the other day and i was like wow when we get off of this everyone's gonna be like no you weren't you weren't at the grocery store i was walking down the street and this guy bumped into me no one touched you you haven't been no he No he didn't Yeah you were home you were doing nothing I think it's going to be like You guys were all in New York during 9-11 right

I was in Jersey across the river No I mean like We all lived in New York City during that whole time Where everything shut down And everybody's like is anything ever going to be funny again Right And I remember like Within like Four to six weeks down and everybody's like is anything ever going to be funny again right and i remember like uh

within like four to six weeks it was sort of it was sort of back to normal as far as just like the shit that you were talking about and so i think i think it'll be basically the same thing but um i don't know were you at the seller bill when that? When we were talking about how do we get back into being funny? And one of the things we were doing is we were all sitting up. It was Keith and Patrice, and a bunch of us were talking about our daydreams. We all had 9-11 daydreams, like, what would I have done if I was on the play?

Yes, the fantasy. And Patrice's, at the end of his, was so awful. At the end, he said he would get into a cab and say, take me to Brooklyn. Like he had such a shit fantasy. And Keith is so fucking Keith's fantasy was that he would know that they were terrorists. And he was walking onto the plane and he was going to hit the flight attendant. And when the cops came, he was going to go, those guys are terrorists.

And that was his secret fantasy of how he would have stopped the attacks. So we went on stage and started making fun of this asshole and how awful his daydream was and that was kind of how we got into talking about it but that was it was like just by shitting on each other was how we started talking about that was patrice and we all went up that night we all told our heroes fantasies i remember patrice's he jumped out of the plane like the plane was on the ground. He fucked everybody up after they landed, and he didn't wait for the jetway. He jumped. I think it was his.

Somebody jumped out and landed on the tarmac and said, that's what happens when you fuck with America. And I remember in mind, I took everybody out, you know, born identity style, and then I also landed the plane. And I, I thought my hero fantasy was as big as it could be. And then I forget who it was. It was Patrice's. Somebody's was, they jumped out onto the tarmac, landed like the Hulk and said, that's what happens when you fuck with America. That I don't, I own the only one I remember specifically, I don't even remember my own. Uh, I'm sure I always try to fantasize. Like even when I'm jacking specifically, I don't even remember my own. I'm sure I always

try to fantasize, like even when I'm jacking off, I always try to keep it somewhat true to life. Like, so for me, I would have had to have, like, it could never be that I pulled a gun out and shot them. It would have to be like, I talked to them and I reasoned with, you know, some fucking Weasley thing that I probably would have done. They recognized you. Hey, did I see you on Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Hey, you're funny. I like this guy. Yeah, this guy's on the radio. Yeah, some nonsensical childish fantasy.

But yeah, that was how we got back into it. I remember Keith's. Dude, I've been watching you. It's funny. On Friday, you had press. You're great in The King of Staten Island. I've watched most of it, and I'm having internet issues. Judd sent me a copy, so it's hard for me to watch the whole thing because i keep getting it keeps getting like

dropped um but you're fucking great in that dude yeah congratulations bill you really are great in that that pilot looks great leanne is so for that movie and leanne has never said this she's so excited about that watching that movie it's great oh yeah people have been uh really responding positively to the trailer uh so we shall see i don't mean this is sort of new territory where uh it was some kid movie i don't know what it was that when this shit first started and they just put it online somewhere to stream and it crushed trolls international yeah so everybody's hoping that the same thing that happened with you know parents with little kids that you know people who are just bored out of their minds hopefully you're gonna pop on and watch that thing but uh yeah that was all you know yeah judd and and pete

and all of them thank god yeah it's too bad that we're a fucking asshole it's too bad we're in quarantine and pete davidson can can't start fucking Condoleezza Rice and get some press for it. Jesus Christ. I missed that pre-what? I stumbled all over it. Let's hear it again. It sounded funny.

Condoleezza Rice, which is a very modern reference. Yeah, come on. Come on, you got a fucking Jim Baker reference yeah come on come on you got a fucking a jim baker reference come on you should have had a newspaper out you're like a political comedian you just named somebody in a president like two presidents that goes cabinet fuck well this is why I love Bert. I'm trying to think of somebody obscure now. It's like Jeremy Ferrara. Dude, you stumble up like Mondale on the election. Boo.

You know, you fucking, we came on. And the first thing, Bert's changing because the first thing Bert says to me is, did you read that article in the Times? I'm like, no, of course I didn't. I did not read the article in the Times. What times what article bert how many centrals going away forever is that really true yeah yeah that's what they said they fired everyone in there and they said it's a the title it was end of an era and it's the thing you don't get credit for reading the new york times because that art that article had affected your life if you were like reading the New York Times because that article had affected your life. If you were like reading the New York Times about Condoleezza Rice or something. That's right. Yeah. Or how it

looks like Anna Wintour and Vanity Fair are in trouble now. Like, is this the end because there's a new book coming out from her old assistant? Like, that's an impressive thing. But yeah, you're right. Comedy is your life. I should get credit for signing up for the new york times and the la times because you're right bill every time you go and you go oh god interesting article about the coronavirus and then you click it and you're like you've already read your three articles asshole and you're like oh do you get three i get kicked off immediately me too like i'm just like this uh relative that always wants something i get in like a paragraph and i like how you guys haven't been trashing me for my smoothie with the straw here.

I didn't even notice it to be honest with you, but you know, anything is acceptable. It's amazing how like shit that probably would have made you look awful at one point. I'm just like, Hey, good for you. Stay healthy. Like, you know, I've just, my karma is such shit. Oh, so it's not even a COVID thing. You're trying to turn around pre-COVID, Jim Norton. Maybe, yeah.

But I mean, COVID has kind of just brought into like, I'm just so restless and uncomfortable and ready for this to be. I feel like I did for 24 hours in the New York blackout, which this is never going to end. Even though I know it's going to end and I know shit's going to get back to normal, I feel like it's never going to fucking end.

So I'm just trying to like be a good person and maybe that will help. I mean, I don't know. What was, I would be very afraid to be in any city. Forget about New York City during a blackout. What was that like as the sun is going down and the people started coming up out of the sewers to feed? You know, I was, I was with a girl who I was seeing at the time who I really liked.

She had a tattoo on her pussy, which was really sexy. And funny, I just found a photo of myself and her too. She was really sexy and really dirty. And we were out in a Macy's buying birthday gifts for her. It was her birthday. I'm like, I'll take you shopping. We're online in Macy's with her birthday gifts. The fucking power goes out. So I

actually didn't mind it. Tried to take all of her stupid birthday gifts and put them down because we couldn't pay. So we walked out and her with no gifts. So that was the one upside was I'd have to buy her birthday presents. Okay. I got to ask for the listeners. What was the tattoo of? Hold on, hold on. Can we guess first? Can we guess first? The Lincoln Tunnel. And also, I'm asking for myself. I'm not going to put it on the listeners. Yeah, Bert, do you have a guess? I was going to say the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. No, but that would have been awesome.

That would have been great. I don't know. Anything down there is always some sort of a dragon or a serpent. I'm close. I'm close. Yeah. Fucking Bill. Yes.

Snake. It's going to be a snake. No. No. It has to. If you're going to do something to your genitalia, it has to have some sort of meaning. So they're not like, wow, you're just a fucking skank yeah no no no there's thought behind this

oh oh this dragon represents the new regime what is it was uh flame so you had it kind of with the dragon you were kind of right it had some it had it was it was fire um and i've seen a couple of girls with that like she wasn't the first girl i've ever seen with fire on her puss so it wasn't that insane um but the first time i was like whoa google it was sort of familiar you felt like you were at home yeah it didn't bother me i mean it was uh she had such a nice one. I remember hers was so nice. Oh, wow. Yeah. You never seen that? No.

I see it. I'm looking at it online. Was it surrounding it all around like a Guy Fieri shirt or just on the top? No, it was just like on top, like fucking Heatmiser's head. It just kind of popped up off the pussy. It wasn't like all over the place or on the thigh it just went like like right above it was nice she had a tattoo of backwards sunglasses on her ass she's a big diners driving and dives fan um you know what let's talk hacky tattoos speaking of flames was the uh i remember this one from the eighties, early nineties is when you had the flames right here, like you were,

you threw hands, you know, you had some Marvel level abilities. There was, was those. And then every comic on this shoulder seemed to have some sort of like, it was always like a microphone and some sort of like a skeleton or a something with the sickle meaning that you

were going to do comedy until you died or something i don't know what it was like it was just so natural for yeah which is it's such a dramatic it should have been uh you know a tattoo of a guy with a half empty room like that would have been a more accurate tattoo most of those guys fucking the guy an owner panicking over ticket sales being terrible yeah there's a few guys that have those with your little wheelie luggage in your head in your hand yeah you didn't get upgraded again rose 17 god damn it i hate being a feature yeah that's uh that's mostly what comedy is all the defunct airlines you've flown, TWA, Continental, Eastern. You were a big Continental guy.

I remember back in the day bonding with you. We both were flying out of Newark. We had all these miles with Continental. I forget who bought those guys out, but Continental. Who did? United merged with them. So it's like, that's why the planes have the same logo, but the United, it says United,

but it's got that continental thing on the fin because continental United and United, um, uh, merged. Oh, okay. I flew Pan Am once when they went out of business,

they started as a startup airline. Um, and I flew Pan Am. And then I realized that a lot of their planes had been bought from like value jet and other horrible airlines. And they just bought the, like the logo or the ability to license the logo. So it was like a fucking franchise airline.

So pan, that was probably the worst I've been on was the old value jet value jet was somebody had something in their bag that one of those lithium batteries, it caused a fire. Yeah. Anything, but like that was, uh,

that was just such an unfortunate name. There wasn a lot of when that thing went down you had to you know people waited about comics waited about maybe 15 minutes that was just too easy it was a layup i remember jim had a joke when i first started uh stand-up jim had a joke and he goes i flew tower airlines they call it tower airlines because the last thing you see before you hit it is the tower. He goes, I saw Wild West on that movie theater. I've never wanted a plane to go down more. Did I say that?

Yeah, those are your jokes. Do you remember? It's crazy. I remember weird jokes that people told a long time ago that I go that I just can't forget. I remember when Bobby Kelly was trying to rack up his miles at the end of the year so he's doing quick back and forth flights and he called me and Anthony and he was boarding the plane and Jimmy goes hey Bobby why don't you

give the phone to the flight attendant and he goes sure thing and you ma'am, this man has a bomb on him. What? Oh, no. You don't remember that? No. Oh, my God. By the way, you might have said it before she got on the phone, but I was in my car driving to go play tennis with this old man, and I was crying laughing at Bobby giving the phone to the flight attendant.

What a stupid asshole. Why would he do that? Like, why would you, you never give the phone to another person. We've got a few people with that. Well, let me just want to talk to him for a second. But why would he do that? I don't know. He was racking up miles. Because he trusted you, Jim. He thought you were a friend. Well, he would have been right if I wasn't on the air. But if you're on Opie and Anthony, there's no, what are we going to say? Hey, safe flight, sweetie. You know, we have to say something. We have to be horrible. I know. I do have to admit a couple of times when I sat in for you, just for a couple of days, I don't think anybody understands what a grind doing four hours of radio

is, especially the morning thing. Just looking looking at the newspaper there was so many days where i felt like it's got to be 10 o'clock and you look and it was like 7 18 and you're like oh and then if the guests came in and the guest was a dud yep you just i i kind of understood why you guys fucked with everybody but i i've told this story before One of the funniest scenes you guys ever did, and one of the cruelest things, which really was that show, was there was a time Leslie Nielsen called in to promote a movie. Oh, yeah.

Oh, do you remember this? Vaguely. It was bad enough that it was you three characters were in there. Nick DiPaolo was also in there. And you guys started making fun of him. And he couldn't, he didn't, you know, he was old. He was towards the end there. And he didn't know what was going on.

And you guys were shitting all over him. And I was pissed that you were doing it. And I was also crying laughing all at the same time. And I think out of everything I ever saw on that show, I was like, this right here, they were ever going to make a sizzle reel. What exactly was the Opie and Anthony show? It was those mixed emotions of dying, laughing,

and then just being like, oh man, you shouldn't do that to somebody. Yeah, that was mean. There's a few that were like really mean that you look back on and you're like but you're in the moment you know what i mean it's the radio show it's outrageous and fucking crazy so you'll say anything you know in those moments you forget that you're talking to a real person on the phone like you forget that there's a real human being on the other end of the airway that you're talking to and you're like oh then you kind of look back

and you feel like a piece of shit you kind of had to do it because it really is. It's not like it's a script. You're just winging it. You're trying to get it to this place to see. Look, if you didn't do that shit, you never would have came up with that eggnog drinking contest, which to this day is the funniest, most fucked up thing. Do you know, to this this day when I tell that story, I can't tell it, and eventually I start gagging. Yeah. People, look up the baby bird, Opie and Anthony's show. It's funny, I talked about that, and I forget sometimes who was there.

I forget sometimes that you were there and Rogan was there. And Joe's the one, I think, who named it. And we talked about that on his show recently. And the great Pat Duffy was the guy the intern uh who is so goddamn funny and as far as i remember it was joe's idea the joe goes the only thing that could top that is if somebody put their head back and open their mouth and then fan remember another fantastic moment yeah i thought it was him because people listened to it and thought that I was the guy who said the baby bird. I, there's no way it was me. I think it was Joe. Joe or Nathaniel,

but it was definitely Joe's idea. Joe was the one, I remember Joe too that night, he was playing Carolines and I came down to see him. You know, he's one of my favorite comics and you know, I was still living in New York, so I didn't get the chance to see him. So I came down to see him, you know, he's one of my favorite comics. And you know, I was still living in New York, so I didn't get the chance to see him. So I came down to see him when I came walking in to the green room. He had the biggest smile on his face. And he just goes, that was some great radio today.

Yeah, that's probably like the craziest thing I've ever seen. Dude, I remember coming home, I came home to my apartment and my wife was there uh with pam from michael o'brien's office and i started to describe what happened and in the end i was literally on the floor crying laughing and i just remember pam asking she goes where do they find these people and I was just crying laughing going I don't know I don't know dude that one guy oh I'm gonna gag he had the fucking there was literally he had like a pitcher you put a pitcher of beer in yeah and he fucking he was puking into that and

then they dared somebody to take a drink of it yeah and he took another drink he had this big zach galifianakis beard took like a viking swig and like almost like gave himself a facial with it i think that's when i almost went oh Oh, Ari Shaffir was there too. Because that one guy, when he was puking, he puked for like a minute and he would always make the exact same sound. And you know Ari with the low energy, he just goes, like total deadpan was just like,

sounds like it's on a loop. Like as this guy was puking. God, I don't remember. Because we had so many crazy moments and so many, like you always had to just top it. And a lot of times in the retelling of things, they became fucking crazier. But one thing I remember was we had Tippi Tom was in studio

and he was a homeless guy. And I remember that we, and I could be misremembering something, but I think he had shit his pants and he was a homeless guy and i remember that we and i could be misremembering something but we i think he had shit his pants and it was hard like he had hard hardened shit in his pants and one of our guys brushed his teeth with that might be the craziest thing i ever saw let me let me amend my last statement that might be the craziest thing I ever saw. Let me amend my last statement. That might be the craziest thing. Oh, God. That might be people put like charcoal and shit because it's supposed to fucking – and

food, I should say. All right. Well, okay. I don't know where to go from there, Jimmy. We exaggerated a lot of things on the air, but those things like baby bird, the dog shit, there was – or I said the homeless guy shit. There was a few things stand out in my memory i'm like no that was as bad that was as bad as i remember it the up and down game though and i'm so glad that you captured patrice laughing like that which is there's like three times i ever saw him laughing that hard then there was

then there was the time the first time he ever saw uh boss do the uh you drop something bit yeah that agent who was walking down the street with all the boxes right in front of the firehouse next to the old boston oh no what time is it what time what time it is yep he asked him what time it was and the guy's struggling and as he looks at his watch boss immediately walked away and then the guy just goes like just a little I remember Patrice ran down the street if you can envision that and was leaning on the hood of a car dying laughing and it was echoing that remember that shit they used to dump water down on us for being scream yeah shut the fuck up 2 33 o'clock in the morning on west third street just being loud and

I'm not yeah yeah what a great life. I know. Those were the days. We had no idea. We had no idea. But having said that, I'm glad no COVID happened then because I would have had to fucking move back home with my parents. Yeah, you never realize how much fun those –

and that film of the up-and-down game, I think Opie shot that. He shot everything. He had a lot of good moments that we probably never would have had. Just these little, he always had a camera. What was the up and down game? I remember this,

but I can't remember it. We just had a guy who was a friend of the show. And when he would talk about sex, you didn't have to touch him. His dick would get hard. And when you talk about the Mets

and his dick would go soft and Patrice saw this, he was just standing there talking. And I would talk to the method, his dick would go soft. And Patrice saw this. He was just standing there talking. And I would talk to him like, yeah, that girl has big tits. And his dick would go up. And, you know, it would get a few. He had sweatpants on, just to let people know. It wasn't like completely.

He had like sweatpants on. So Patrice was sitting there, had never seen the bit. I had never seen the bit. And when Patrice sees him starting to get aroused like I mean he almost passed out he laughed so hard I still like once a year will watch that you know missing Patrice or whatever and I'm so glad that Opie shot that thing so you can still kind of and I also love it it kind of gives people like an idea of uh you know what it was like to hang out with that guy how fucking funny he was and everything but um and how fun it was fun to watch him i i saw him left fight that a couple of times

there was that time once in his house when will sylvins came in barefoot and will uh will had horrible bunions and i remember will came in barefoot, and his bunions were so awful. And we just looked at him, and we looked at his feet, and we started laughing. And he laughed like that at Will's feet. It was great to watch a guy who's a comedian, and he knows that he has to take it. But to watch a guy want to just not be a comedian and walk out of the room and make this go away and stop. That was the second time I've seen Will's feet made him laugh like that. Tell me that story. You said you asked him why his feet had elbows.

His big toe was protecting all his other toes. It just kind of over, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, man. Fuck. I can kind of over, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, man. Fuck. I can't watch Patrice's stuff though. I can't do it. Like I've never seen all of elephant in the room. I've seen moments of it, but it just, it makes me too sad. I can't like if, if, if I hear an ONA bit and he's in it, I'll hear it.

But there's very few and felt. And for the documentary and for all that stuff, I was going back through a whole bunch of old photos and I found some old pictures and sent them, but it's really hard to look. I can't look at it. I can't watch it. You know what I have? I have a, so, and I guess when I was working the door

at the Boston, a company from North Carolina came up to shoot our specials on DV cameras, which was like the cutting edge technology then. Right. And I have an hour of patrice's stand up on dv tape from back then from back then and interviews with him it's pretty fucking it was it was you know immediately your brain goes god damn it i should i should post that online and then you're like i'm gonna be getting views on my channel for something i didn't do and i was like

i don't know what to do with it and so I kind of wait for like the right project. I think that the Patrice documentary is pretty much almost done, but I could reach out to the director and see if he would want just like a clip of that type of stuff. Because you know, what's funny is, I don't know about you. I mean, I just never took any pictures and the pictures I had there on other laptops and those little stick things. Like, I like, know about you. I mean, I just never took any pictures. And the pictures I have, they're on other laptops and those little stick things. Like, it's funny, I have pictures of me doing stand up from 92 to about 95. And then the next picture is like from 2016.

Oh, really? You're not a picture guy? Well, I just, you know, I was living with Bob, dude, put him on the hard drive. And then with the hard drive, you had to put him on the next hard drive and the next hard drive. I just, you know, I was living with Bob. Dude, put him on the hard drive. And then with the hard drive, you had to put him on the next hard drive and the next hard drive. I think I just lost all of them. We did a photo shoot for Edinburgh, me, Patrice, Voss, and Louis Schaefer, where it was the four of us, like the notorious B.I.J. or like the Tupac, Suge Knight, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg photo, right? But no backdrop, just the four of us.

And then we also took solo headshots. It was a promo for our shows. So one night we're at the assembly lounges and we're drinking in the bar. And Patrice isn't drinking. He's having like a cider or something. I'm taking a piss and I see our our posts our posters are like above every toilet and i go or outside in the thing and i say you know what would be brilliant like in my marketing brain i go i'm gonna take our fucking posters like our our pictures i'm

gonna put it at the bottom of the urinal that way everyone's forced to look at us while they're pissing they're gonna see us and they're going to go, Hey, I should go see that show. So I take all our pictures from the outside and I line up. But now Patrice, as you can imagine, his headshot was lackluster.

It was like, I'm going like, right. Really angry. So we're sitting in there and I, I'm like, man, I just had the most brilliant idea our shows are

going to go from no one there to sold out in a matter of seconds you watch and and eddie izzard walks up and goes oh mate i just pissed on your face oh no and patrice just looks at me he goes what did you do i said i took all our pictures and i put them in the bottom of the he got so fucking mad he's like you can't have everyone in this bar pissing on our face and and then slowly a stream of people going hey i just pissed in your mouth you know it's funny too bert you mentioned that shit headshot he had that fucking that he thought where his head looked too skinny for his size i hated that we stood outside one time with my picture and his because i told him your headshot fucking stinks and he's like no it's good and we stood out and just asked random people whose

picture is better uh my picture or his picture because he had that one where he thought that he really looked kind of like sexy and he had like kind of Percy lips. What a shit picture that was. The worst one was his first one. The first one he had, the one that was down the Boston where he was like, remember that one with the smile? Like he didn't want to, like you could just see his self-loathing. It hung up at the Boston the entire time. I remember the first, his his first head shots he didn't want to pay he's like why am I paying all this money for somebody so he had his girlfriend at the time take a picture I remember they were like first of all it was like three quarters of him he was across the room at one point he had like the cat that they had a cat or something he had this stupid

black cat on his shoulder and I didn't know him well enough, but I was looking going like... Yeah, he legit asked me, what do you think of these? And I'm just like, fucking horrible. I had his girlfriend take them. When I first moved to LA, there was a guy that instead of having an 8x10, he had a 9x13. And he was like, these will stick out.

They were just an inch or two bigger than every other headshot. I have, do you have all your old headshots? Do you save like that type of stuff? Do you guys both save them? I have some in here. I'm finally cleaning up my office here. I found, uh, I found one back when I had hair and it's a decent smile, but my hair in the front was doing something weird. So there's this weird curl and somebody brought it up and after that i couldn't stop looking at it i don't know i had another one i had one from the late 90s where i've told this story before where where moose was a big thing back then jimmy right oh yeah i got the flyer from the b Comedy Club. Look at Jimmy from that.

Can you see it? Where? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was a great headshot. I love that. I love that headshot. That was a decent one.

That was, I think, 1997 or 98. That was like a side headshot. But this is my first one this is my first one and oh let me sorry go ahead go can you see it uh 1992 oh my god oh wow look like john caparillo yeah oh yeah i love the no sideburns that was like a big like uh you were a cool guy if you had no fuck if you had the straight across yeah 92 maybe that might have been a little late to still be doing that probably was yeah i was they were done in woodbridge new jersey this comedian named gemini in new jersey he's like

you gotta get headshots like i didn't think i wanted them or needed them but i just did them because like comedians i kind of looked up to at the time told me you got to get pictures i save everything did you guys get pictures with the guy barry used to have a guy named jeff nichols did you get pictures with jeff nichols out in la he would come out to new york every now and then and barry be like listen my guy's there he's gonna shoot your headshots he's giving you a deal he's got bilber earlier and then he can cram you in. It's like a thousand. I get a percentage for driving traffic to him. It's a pay for my Ferrari. He would leave that shit out.

Yeah, he would leave out the percentage part. No, I don't think I ever used him. But then again, Maureen told me, so maybe that's who I went with. I might have went with him for that shot that you just showed. I don't know. Because we all had the same. He had a few moves and one of the moves was like looking like it was this one of mine of like uh of like on your you'll see me I'm right at the next to you I think Jimmy it was like on your knees elbows on your knees like kind of like a

ah Dane had it like I felt like everyone had that same same headshot yeah Dane had that one him sitting on the curb that was the boy I remember that was the boy band maybe I'm into hip-hop yeah white guy sort of pose you know I was thinking about recently I was looking up Red Johnny and the round guy do you remember those guys Bill were you were you around for those guys they were like uh John DiMaggio and And I forget, Tim was Red Johnny's, was the round guy. I don't remember his last name. Oh, yeah. No, there's people still from our age group telling stories of trying to go on after.

Remember when they would do It Takes Two? It would be Fox. It takes two to go, right? And Matt Frost would be flicking the fucking lights on and off they were talking about how like when people dance uh they they get that strobe light going on and they did it so perfectly and it sounded like you were in the fucking club and then you just be going like and and they and jason steinberg and fucking matt frost with new guys when they would put you on, wouldn't put you on early.

They'd put you on at the end. They had this thing like, we just want killers in this room. So the first time you went down there, they'd put you on after those guys. And I remember Jason saying Dane was the only guy. Dane Cook was the only guy. He goes, I couldn't bury him. I remember thinking in my head, I fucking knew you guys were trying. He goes, I couldn't bury him. I remember thinking in my head, I fucking knew you guys were trying to bury people. I couldn't bury him. No,

Dane came down there and like, just seamlessly, there's very few people I saw the Boston scene go down and just seamlessly kill. All of us were a little nervous, like, whoa, you know, what is this about? This is a totally different energy and dane just went up like like he was still doing next comedy stop in boston and just fucking slayed i hated following him the guys who were really obviously red giant around go impossible uh dane was very hard i remember i brought a girl to see me on the friday late show and i had to follow maceo and do you remember Maceo would fucking kill he really killed and yeah he's probably in there somewhere

right? Yeah with the beret he's really dark at the bottom yep that headshot Maceo's shot Maceo was insanely good he would destroy and I remember having this girl with me and wanting to impress her and having to follow him on a Friday late show I got buried a lot in that room like i had some really bad fucking shows

in the boston comedy club that was never a good place for me dude i remember bombing one time the aspen comedy festival i met some chick there and she was totally into me it was like a layup it was gonna happen and then i went up and fucking in the thin air and just ate my balls. And I got off stage and she was gone. It was like a dumbass. I looked for it for like 15 minutes. Has anybody seen her? It's the worst. It's the worst when you bring somebody and you sit them down,

whether it's at the cellar and you just bring them and you sit them down. And then you look at the lineup and you're like, oh, fuck. I'm not going to enjoy what not gonna enjoy what i was the first person i ever saw he shifted the way i saw stand-up because when when i was in new york people would bomb that was part of doing stand-up is like you'd see david tell and he'd have a rough set or you'd still see like like people would bomb that was part of the art form and then coming out to la and seeing dane and he was at like he was at like, he was at like, there was, I think it was a restaurant called Guy's.

And he was upstairs and it was the worst setup. He was standing on a speaker and it was packed and he fucking murdered everyone else. And I was like, the guy never fucking bombed. Like he never had a bad set. And it just was like, so that's the new threshold of like, and then you go back to New York, everyone's still bombing and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It's really, it's uh i remember we did a montreal we did the uh it was

like a just for laughs gala or something and everybody was fucking eating their own dick everybody like anthony uh what guy from boston bill he's uh anthony clark who never bombed the anthony clark fucking murdered he bombed i every one of us bombed and then fucking john pinette went on and fucking literally blew the roof off the place and we're like god it was us like it is possible to fucking kill in this room john pinette went on and just absolutely doing gluten joke like he was so fucking funny um but yeah that's the worst of what everybody's eating their dick and the one guy who goes up and wrecks it for everybody well john panett well his thing was like he he just once you got once he started getting the wave going i saw that guy uh coming

at nick's comedy stop one time to do a guest spot he did 10 minutes and got like i think he got a nine minute standing ovation i mean it obviously wasn't that long but like right he just went up there and they just fucking leveled and this is another thing too like that place sat like 400 people and there was probably 80 people in there so they were all stretched you know spread out and shit and he just brought them all together murdered and he didn't give give me somebody a standing ovation when there's a bunch of other people standing near you feels okay but when it's just you and then four empty tables and they they still got up yeah i remember him he was like oh sit down sit down you know and we were just like it was the only guy that i ever saw that like put Dane's killing at that point in perspective like that there's

many levels beyond what Dane because Dane came in and was like he ended up being the guy every night was closing out the show and he was going on after grizzled vets and shit and what he was doing was just like I just wish the people understood that about yeah i just feel like too many people after once he got super popular you know and then all the haters and all that type of shit if they knew what the fuck that guy did he basically came up with a whole new style of comedy and that put like there was like 20 year veterans i remember i go down to dick dick doherty's at the yaku yaku and i've seen this headliner pacing and talking to the the booker going i shouldn't have to follow

this and he had told when he got off stage the headliner told the booker to tell dane to tone it down oh i mean can you imagine like yeah you're a 20-year vet you got to tell some kid who's been doing it for a year and a half to tone it down and then this is what i loved about dane he was like 2021 and he didn't do it and he had the internal strength to be like fuck that guy he's the headliner he should be able to follow anything yeah i remember thinking like wow this dude like what he ended up doing i thought he was to do within the first fucking three years. I just didn't understand how long it took. Yeah. He got a really bad rap. Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. Sorry, Jimmy. Go ahead. No, no. He got a bad rap, man. Like, and it's funny. Everybody's like, oh, it's social media.

But he was like one of the first guys to make the, like to do what he was doing from outside the business. Like the business came around, but like getting all those followers on social media, he did it before anybody did it. He changed the way everyone in the business pursues being famous and pursues followers and having fans. And that what he did on my space, everyone was playing catch up for the next X amount of years.

They wanted to do it. Like Dane had done it on my. And I saw him shoot a special. We were broadcasting like 2007 up in Massachusetts. And he was shooting his special at the Boston Garden. And we went, Opie went, I went, Anthony, a whole bunch of us went. And he was great. I mean, you watched him on that stage and you're like, yeah, he looks like he belongs in the round in front of all these people.

It was just him with a stool and a fucking thing. And he looked really good. I'm like, you know, people can hate him all they want. He's up here doing it with just a fucking glass of water. There's no bells and whistles or bullshit. He was great. I remember when he, one time when people still didn't understand the power of social media. This is like the MySpace days.

He fucking, they were, he was doing some weekend like an improv and they were trying to set up all this morning press the radio and all that he's going i'm not doing guys i'm not i don't need to do that i don't like doing morning radio they're like no you have to do it he goes i don't he goes watch this and he just hit send and then like within like an hour like all six shows sold out, something like that. And I think that that's when people were like, what the fuck? Yeah. And then kind of thought it was like an anomaly. And then typical of this business, it was all like, oh, Dane's doing that.

So everybody do that. And then everybody will be doing Madison Square Garden in the round. And it just wasn't the case because you weren't him. Like you didn't have uh that star power thing you know right something that some people like well yeah i've you know been in this business long enough that you watch people go you see the light and you see it gradually go out on them and they get like bitter and shit and it's like you kind of have to understand where you fit in the business yeah you can't look at a guy like that and get like all resentful

that that isn't happening to you because it's just like, you're not like that vibe. I used to look at it going like, that'd be like if Justin Timberlake was doing standup. He had like that thing where it was like, like these chicks were like screaming,

like it was like a pop star vibe. And that's not just something that anybody, you just can't go on social media and try to get some followers if you're not born with that. So then I think that that's when the fucking resentment came in. There's a number of guys like that where it's just like they took a beating they didn't deserve. Well,

I think the resentment with dane came in that and i can only speak from the group of people i was hanging out at the time was there was a you could almost like felt okay with your career as long as dane hadn't made it because you knew he worked hard you knew he didn't do drugs he didn't drink and like he was funny as shit and you could almost go see that's what's wrong with this fucking business if a guy like dane isn't super famous then what you know this business is just fucked and then all of a sudden his hard work paid off and everyone's like fuck that dude like it was it was like a quick turn it was like there were certain guys where you're like god damn it man

how the fuck isn't he a superstar and i think dane was that guy here's the other thing is dane wasn't keeping these secrets you'd go to his house and be like oh let me introduce you to myspace come on man i'll get you a myspace page yeah let's sign you up and you were like i i don't i can't i don't have the bandwidth to be responding to fans all day and he's like this is what you have to do man if you want to get successful this is what you have to do and he'd sit in that office play guitar and just respond to fans all day and and and tell you this is how it's done this podcast is brought to you by policy genius there's never a bad time to save money am i right bill oh you're absolutely right as always burt i always look to you when i want to hear the truth but now more more than ever finding smart ways to

put some cash back into your pocket can make a big difference. One way to do that is simply by saving on things you already pay for, like home insurance. If you own a home, reshopping for your home insurance rates with Policy Genius could save you a good chunk of change. And the best part is you barely need to lift a finger to do it. Love it. I know, right, Bill? Do you barely need to lift a finger to do it. Love it. I know, right, Bill? You have home insurance? Yes, I do. I have a home and I have insurance. We all have home insurance and you also have life insurance. Do you have disability insurance?

I don't know. Now I'm nervous. I wish I had disability. God dang, I can barely talk. Anyway, the first thing you want to do is head to policygenius.com and answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. Then Policy Genius will compare your policy options against top insurers to make sure you're getting the right home insurance coverage at the best possible price. If Policy Genius finds you a better rate than what you're currently paying, then all the work you have to do is done for you. They will do all the work and get you switched.

Own a car, Bill? Yes, I do. Policy Genius will compare your home and auto policies with across different insurers and even mix and match to find you the best savings. They save their customers an average of $1,127 per year just doing that. What could you buy with that money, Bill? I could buy a lot of styrofoam coolers and fill them up with alcohol. And then become disabled and then be covered. If you'd like to fill up your backyard with styrofoam coolers, just like Bill, just put a little cash back in your pocket right now. See how much you can save?

Save by reshopping your home insurance rates at policygenius.com. Yeah, it was interesting to watch because now there's this Twitter and Instagram and all these fucking things. But he was the guy who did it before anybody that I can think of and uh he was so big in colleges he had a huge college following but i always hated the uh the reputation he got when i never thought he deserved it like people didn't have i thought he was a safe target for certain comics like yeah you can shit on dane and it's cool um but i was like what the fuck's he doing that's inspiring such uh and i mean from guys who didn't know him like you know i mean if you had an issue with him personally that's, and I mean from guys who didn't know him. Like, you know, I mean, if you had an issue with him personally,

that's different. But I mean, from guys who weren't in that circle or around him, I just didn't understand what the problem was. Yeah. Well, it's a fucking, it's a fucking brutal business. I think that, honestly, I think that that just comes, you know, it comes with it, dude. If you're going to be doing arenas in the round

and every hot chick in the country wants to fuck you, there's going to be a price to pay for that. Yeah. Do you think there's a reward in keeping your head low? Yeah, it's longevity. There's this thing that there's a place that you exist in the, it's, it's longevity. There's this thing that if there's, there's a place that you exist in the middle where you've made it, but you're not all the way, you're not the guy. Cause if you're the guy, then eventually someone's just going to knock you off or,

um, or if you are the guy, you got to do it like Chappelle or like how the Chappelle's like, like the beastie boys, Chris rock does it too, where it's like, they're the guy, but they, they don't need to be in your face. Right. 12 months out of the year. It's like, um, I think Chris said that one time, don't be afraid to go away for a little bit and then come back. And that's what I always liked about the beastie boys was right when I would be thinking like, fuck me, you know, they haven't put out an album. All of a sudden, bam, it hits you.

Promo, tour, the whole fucking thing for like a year and a half. And then they were just gone for like three years. And they knew it. It seemed like they knew exactly when to come back. It was past. It was right before you were going to start forgetting about them. And when you're sort of you wanted their album to come out at the height, they seemed to be just able to read the tea leaves.

Yeah, but Rock and Chappelle kind of disappear. I mean, I could be totally wrong, but I feel like they disappear from stand-up in general. Like they go, it seems like Rock will take like a month off, two months off, a year off, fucking years off and then and then just come back and do it great whereas i i could never take i'm having a hard time with this pandemic like i could never take that much time away from stand-up i have to be on stage i think they take time off more like you don't see it on tv so if it's not on tv you think they're taking time i

don't think anybody either one of them ever took that amount of time off. Like even when like everyone was wondering where Dave was, anytime I would do Cincinnati and I would do Go Bananas in Cincinnati, they'd be like, oh yeah, Dave was down here, did like, you know, three hours on stage, you know, he pops in here a lot. I do the punchline in San Francisco. Chappelle was just here. You know, i don't think

anybody is good enough to take that level of time off patrice was the only guy who i saw consistently take six weeks vacations after doing two weeks of stand-up i just need to i just need to blah blah blah it It's like, no dude, you're lazy. You don't want to drive. It's like, I need to, like, I need it to, that's like, no dude, the grind got to you. You made a little bit of money and you sat at home and you lived off it. Yeah. You don't want to do anything. Yeah. Those guys, you're right. They come into the cellar they're always doing something

then maybe not be shooting anything but yeah you're probably not taking a year off without getting on stage and without performing because comedians are weird man we're like attention we desperate for attention and you could even see it during this thing like how many guys are like almost panic stricken like not for the money but just for not being noticed for a little while. Like they're afraid. And I understand that instinct, but I've been trying to not like go crazy with it. Cause it's just seemed like a really a deep, a fucking, a sad place to be. Dude, it just happened this weekend. They started opening the gates the other day, the other day I'm texting with a couple of friends and we're texting about like, Hey, where should we move for a couple months and live and do spots?

Like, where do you want to move? Well, very clearly, I texted with Segura. And I was like, do you want to just go get a house somewhere and just go work at a club for a month? And he was like, yeah, let's see if we can find a club. And I started texting around. But the panic started where clubs started opening up to half capacity and comics are like i mean i think dallas has ron white uh jamie for uh dl hugley brian callan and brendan shop like they're lined up yeah and all the shows are sold out and i the second those

gates opened comics were like fuck i mean rogan's like fuck it i'll move to texas and everyone's like it's not a bad idea just set up a residency in fucking omaha and do monday tuesday wednesday thursday do an hour every night to 45 100 people you know maybe i don't miss it enough it's never occurred to me to do that maybe i really am just getting older and lazy and you know i'm never going to be accused of flying too close to the sun let's be honest so i think i think i've petered out this is this is kind of where i'm going to be where i'm at right now yeah i mean i got a wife and kids and shit so i don't see myself being able to be like hey i heard uh albuquerque just opened up and then there's another thing too it's like i don't want to fucking go down there and sponge up all the fucking stage all the local people are all right the comics are excited and then some fucking jerk off like me comes out

starts taking up every fucking you know night out there you're doing 20 minutes you're doing 30 minutes like you know you maybe do an hour let everyone else do an hour sell some tickets and get everyone stage time i don't know it's not a bad idea no i'm not saying it like i mean look maybe to go out there yeah but then it's like how do i how the fuck do i go out there i mean how many flights are there i don't even i haven't even looked in on that so listen you know this is what i look at that's how i look at it everybody's gonna suck at their job when they get back. All right? The plumber hasn't turned the wrench for a while.

It's all going to be at the same level as shit, and then we'll just kind of move forward. Dude, I don't want to fucking move to Nebraska. Yeah. But hang on. I'd rather just do Zoom comedy. Let me pitch it to you guys. Let me pitch it.

Hold on. You've already said no too fast. Let me pitch it to you, okay? Soft pitch. Just hear me out, okay? The way you were wagging your index finger, it didn't seem too soft to me. Yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's just say three weeks. We got a nice big house about an hour outside Nebraska. We got motorcycles. We got shotguns. We got all the fun things, a big ranch. We got big trucks. We can have a lot of fun out at the ranch. Got some boozeze some cigars

sunlight moonlight at night after the sets you're gonna hear the coyotes go crazy and we can hunt rabbits in the morning and then and at night we go in we drive into the city we show up at a club we each do like 30 minute spots to a hundred people wait staff makes tons of money we all make a little bit to pay for this adventure and we we're all writing, right? Me, you, Jim, Keith Robinson. Like, tell me that wouldn't be a fun three weeks. First of all, me, Jim, and Keith Robinson in the same house would just be shitting on each other all fucking day long, making fun of each other, saying that you stink.

It's not going to fucking, like, I don't want to go out there and shoot rabbits and fucking get on four-wheelers like we're on some sort of fucking same-sex honeymoon. I don't want to go out there and shoot rabbits and fucking get on four wheelers. Like we're on some sort of fucking same sex honeymoon. I don't want to do that. It's a terrible idea, Bert. I'd be sick of that by day two.

I would hate it. I would want to come home. That's why I'm different. A 22 year old wants to go. I'm going to be 52 next month. I'm doing it. Dude, I have lined up.

You would be, you would go, you are fucking out of your mind. Do you really want to look up at the stars at night? Aren't you supposed to be quarantining? We're all going to get together, breathe all over each other. This is a couple months from now,

a couple months. Oh, great. And we're all going to hunt rabbits in the morning, then go on stage and do our hunting rabbit. You ever hunt rabbits? We're five comedians. We're all gonna hunt rabbits in the morning then go on stage and do our hunting rabbit so it's funny you ever hunt rabbits we're five comedians we're all doing the exact same shit all grabbing from the same bowl hey you ever live with five other comics i'll tell you that's pretty wacky you know what i hope you all go out there and fucking bomb another fucking dip like the end of the 80s in stand-up because

everybody they all talk about the same thing like the jack nicholson impression becomes talking about rabbit hunting in the morning and on top of it i hope you get sick that's what i really hope i hope you all go out there and get the fucking coronavirus i would love to live in a i would love that scenario if i can make that happen i'm making i would love to go in I would love that scenario if I can make that happen I would love to go in and have like a like an Omaha funny bone where you could just go in

and do like 30 minutes every night every night just write shit during the day and just I miss that oh I mean I would love to do that if it was in a state

or a place that I that my whole family could live in and be happy I don't understand like how sick is your family of you that they're alright or a place that my whole family could live in and be happy. I don't understand. How sick is your family of you that they're all right that you're going to go do this? Bro, they are done with me.

I mean, fucking done with me. And I'm not drinking, so I'm driving them fucking nuts. Like, I'll read something. Everyone outside, vitamin D. We're all sitting outside for 15 minutes together, and they're like, what the fuck? You're still not drinking. That's good. Joe Rogan podcast, when he dropped that shit about the vitamin D. Vitamin D, you can't find.

What is D3? Is that Division III fucking vitamin D? You can't find vitamin D anywhere right now. Really? We live in L.A. Just go stand outside for a minute. Yeah, he talked about vitamin D with Dr. Rhonda Patrick and

literally, Jimmy, within an hour, Amazon was like ships in three weeks and you're like everyone ordered vitamin D. He's taken 5,000 milligrams a day and he says, and this is what's really fascinating, and it could what's really fascinating, and it could be causality as opposed to,

I'm not smart enough to finish that sentence. Please finish that sentence, Bert. Causality versus, I don't know. I don't know. I forget the thing. Is causality a word? No, it's as opposed to like, it could be as opposed to whatever, whatever.

Here's the deal. Okay. Black people are getting it. Finish your thought. Finish your thought. I'm hanging on to every word. Causality. Yep, it's a word. He said that,

she was saying that people of color, not just black people, but people that live in like N in like Nicaragua and like, and like around the equator, uh, they have vitamin D deficiencies because it's harder for a dark skin people to get in vitamin D. Whereas Bill, if he steps outside, he gets filled up with vitamin D in 15 minutes. If I think about going outside, I might overdose.

A lot of times you do overdose. And so they're saying that that's the reason that they find that African Americans in our country are getting coronavirus easier is because they have vitamin D deficiencies. It's like the number one thing in the African American community is a vitamin D deficiency just based on how hard it is for them and their skin to take it in. That's what they said. And by the way, I'm also paraphrasing and I barely listened. So wait, D3 is the vitamin to take? No, D3 is all that's left after Joe had that guest on. Dude, you know what? That reminds me of the power of that guy's podcast. Do you remember when Oprah Winfrey went like, you i don't think i'm gonna eat beef anymore and then she got she's so fucked with the uh the steak market and hamburger whatever that they all the ranchers got together and tried to sue her for just saying i'm not gonna eat red meat or whatever the fuck she said i mean that's like i don't know that's like

one of the most as far as like how there's a zillion places you can go to go and promote something like Rogan is, is just, I don't know if in this day and age, I feel like he's like when they talked about Johnny Carson getting like a 30 share back in the day, if you wanted to promote something, you want to get on Carson. I think going out on that, not even going out on a limb here, I'd say it's Rogan, man. It's the best place. I,

there's nothing like it. Uh, TV wise, there's nothing you can do that gets as many, because I guess because they're watching it for at least two hours. Um, and it just, it gets people really invested,

whatever you're doing. But yeah, Joe's podcast, I think is by far the best thing to promote anything on. It's he is, I would argue, and I know everyone can argue against this, but that are that podcast he did with Michael Osterhaus,

who basically was the chicken little, the Corona virus, who had a book about the Corona virus and was trying to sell a book about the Corona virus. That podcast scared the fuck out of everyone. I mean, that, that podcast has more downloads, I think, than anything he's ever done.

And that was the scariest fucking podcast. It's the reason I quit drinking. So I was like, he was like, alcohol intake, cigarette intake, cigars, marijuana, all that shit, obesity. I heard that, got up, and I was like, I feel like Joe's talking to me. And then I talked to Joe and he goes, oh, actually, I was. I was was i was talking to you you're fat you're an alcoholic you need to quit drinking and get healthy and so but that one podcast shifted the narrative it was it was within that time and it maybe it's just but that one podcast was fucking so what were they saying if you indulged in those things that increased your ability to to get corona or

get it and to die like that was the number one reason and that michael osterhaus i think i'm saying his name's right his name right that podcast was joe's like so this is a guy that specializes in viruses like he's a virologist or whatever and he's uh i don't know if that's word but i think so and he it was terrifying i said that to joe when i did the podcast i called him chicken little i go that guy fucking scared the shit out of me he goes joe's like i think we should be scared like legit and well here's my question i don't understand why they're making fun of people wearing masks when did that be it was like like the cdc i thought was telling people to wear them

and now i'm seeing everybody saying that wearing a mask doesn't do anything. It's the people think they're being independent by not wearing a mask. Like they think, yeah, no one's going to tell me what to do. And it's like, look, we all feel like dicks in them, but you just wear them. They help. But somebody I was saying, it might have been on Joe's podcast, was saying that they don't work. They cause you to touch your face and blah, blah, blah. And at that point, I was just like, I'm just going to stay home. I don't know what to do. I don't work they cause you to touch your face and blah blah and i at that point i was just like i'm just gonna stay home i don't know what to do i don't know

what to do wear a mask don't wear wearing gloves is stupid and but it's like wearing gloves is stupid wearing a mask is stupid it's just i i can't i can't keep it straight so yeah i just they're saying they're saying now that nicotine is good for you. And it's just to sell articles. It's all these people just needing you to click on their thing so they can sell ads. But there is a legit source saying that they are giving first responders the nicotine patch because whatever nicotine does, it blocks the receptors. I read that and was like, I'm fucking smoking a cigar tonight. Why would I not smoke a cigar?

Yeah, but you're doing that because it said what you wanted to hear. That's what you're doing. You got to watch out for that. My favorite thing that's been clicking up as far as like trying to get you to click on it is like, here's a stretch that if you do will eliminate all back pain. And then it's always some chicken like the doggy style, ridiculous with the ass up in the air and like booty shorts on. And I was joking with my wife, I go,

why do they gotta have that picture? Like, that's it right there. It's like, you're selling porn. I don't know. I don't read any of that shit. I just fucking stay home. I'm staying home and I'm hoping, but I gotta be honest with you,

this independent, we're going to open up. And even if you have nobody in your town, like there's some place out here in California is going to open up saying this is like an oasis of Corona. It's like, well, what about all the towns around there where they're bored shitless? It's like, I'm going to go into a bar, see if I can get laid. laid i'm gonna drive into the oasis you're just gonna be attracting people this is people coming in in case you give you can't see me here yeah yeah they're gonna come that was good that's perfect give me i like to act out the jokes they're all gonna come into the town and uh then it's gonna be i think it's gonna become a hot zone they got me they got me to click it's i fall for those fucking things every time I see one.

Every, there was one, it was an article or it was a video on how to empty your bowels completely. And I'm like, I would love to know. I'm cause you're looking for a quick answer, but it's wind up where the arrow is at the bottom of five other things. So they're trying to trick you into clicking on other advertisers.

And you know, you have to go below the arrow, but I really clicked on this thing. I would love to empty my bowels completely. I fall for those fucking things every time, whether it's somebody, uh, you know,

how to avoid Corona, how to stretch properly every time they get me. What this, the one I get, I get every time is a picture of precious and they'll go, you'll never believe what she looks like now. And I'm fucking click a hundred different celebrities going, God damn it.

Get me to press me to press it. And the payoff is never good. No, you know, it's exactly what I thought you would look like. Now you look exactly like I expected you to look pounds lighter. Celebrities in, in homosexual relationships that you didn't know about. And you're like, shut up, click it. Portia de Rossi. And you're like, shut up. Click it. Portia de Rossi.

And you're like, fuck. I knew that. I click it. A mirror comes up. Are you still in New York, Jimmy? Yeah. So how often do you get out of the house? I mean, almost every day.

I get out just to fucking, just to wind up going to the supermarket. I'll drive out of town to supermarkets, just, just like to do something different. I'll try to go to different places. I go, I'm getting stir crazy in the house. I'll tell you, Jim, that headshot behind you is making me think about the whiz in New York. Like all, like the way New way new york was when i was there in uh 95 where they still had all like those independent stores like there was no bed bath and beyond there was no chain stores that's right blown away by that going like jesus christ like if you try to buy any sort of quality just like a fucking coffee table you had to go outside the city

everything was a shithole. Every fucking deli was a dump. I couldn't believe it. I bought an air conditioning from the Wiz in Union Square, and I walked it back down to where I lived across the street from the cellar. I walked it back down to the cellar with my buddy like a TV. We walked it all the way down there. Fucking didn't want to get a cab.

Spent our last cent. It was so fucking hot that summer. We would take shirts, get them wet, put them in the freezer, and in the middle of the night put a frozen shirt on just to go back to bed for a second. Just to go back to bed for a second. God damn it, the whiz. I haven't heard. They had a

30-day return policy. I bought an air conditioner for them, too. Yeah. And I fucking, I had, I had a walkthrough bedroom that had like a window. It was hilarious. It had a window that looked into like a three foot area that you could go all the way up to the roof. And across was another window, which was my roommate's bedroom. It was so weird. So I had to keep, we had to keep the curtains closed for obvious reasons. But reasons but uh I got an AC in there and it was fucking hilarious because it was such a small room but there was no there was

no like like I said when you opened up it was a chute up to the up to the roof so there was there was no air getting in at all so I fucking would put that thing on but then it was such a small room within two seconds I'd be freezing and one night i fell asleep and i woke up and i caught a summer cold and i went outside i had to go do the boston it was like 100 humidity i was walking down the street like i had like fucking malaria you know it's funny i used to when i was a kid i hated being warm so we i would put my pillow on the air conditioner until i went to bed and i fit that would would like, cause you said, you reminded me of that when you said just to be cool for a few seconds, like, and then I used to sleep on the kitchen floor under the table because it was colder.

Like I would literally wake up every day. Like I'd be under the kitchen table from the middle of the night. And now I look back and I was probably being molested. I think that I was just cold and I was probably just going to escape and have a safe place to hide under the kitchen table. I was going to say, yeah, hiding under the table, that seemed like an abused dog to me. Yeah, that's not a temperature issue. You're probably right. Jim, how old were you when you first started living by yourself? 30. Is that when you got your own apartment? Oh, no. That was 33. I was 30 when I moved out.

I moved in with Jim Florentine and his girlfriend and then another one of his girlfriends for three years in Cliffside Park. And then in 2002, I moved into New York and that was my first. No, but how old were you when you got your own place? No roommates, no nothing. I was 33. Oh, really? The No roommates, no nothing. I was 33. Oh, really? The first time I was alone, I was 33. So it's 18 years old. How about you, Bill?

That would be 2000. 32. 32. And I fucking loved it. Russ Meneve used to do a bit when... I'll do three Mush Meneve bits while you think about it. I got to find my keys. I got my keys.

He used to do a bit about saying, when you have a roommate in New York, when you're alone in the apartment, and you're just sitting there enjoying yourself, he said the worst sound ever to hear is... Just hearing somebody like, oh, fuck. And then they come in, hey's up man just the because they would still apartments are so fucking small and just to have any sort of alone time in new york is so fucking precious at least back then you know i don't know did you

only live with bobby or did you live with other people too? Oh, I lived when I lived with Bobby, I lived with, there was the guy who owned the apartment, who had the lease. And then he leased out the walkthrough bedroom. And then I got that. And then I got a, uh, I got a gig that took me out of New York for a little bit. So then I let, I sublet it to Bobby. And then what I was doing, I was I was bi coastal for a few years. And I would just come and crash. And then I said, you know, I came out to LA too soon. I got to go back to New York. So then I went back. And it was me. I was the dude who had the lease was in the main bedroom. Is that the Somali hockey fan? Yep. And then I slept in the fucking walkthrough. And then Bobby, there was a pullout couch that he found on the fucking street, on 97th Street.

He had that in the living room. And every night, we'd have to get on either side of the coffee table, and we'd move it out of the way. And then Bobby would go to sleep there. sleep there you go to sleep there i but we oddly really all got along well because we you know and you know until we did me and bobby when we had blow-ups they were bad but like we were just like three knuckleheads living in uh living in new york we were all like 25 26 27 we play roller hockey we had we actually had a really good time but there was a definite privacy issue if you had a fucking jerk off or something it was fucking brutal i mean one time bob tried to catch me i've told the story a zillion times he's such a fucking creep he tried to catch me

so i was sitting there and how it was, was when you, you walked in to the apartment, you opened a door, it closed. And then there was the other door. So it was that inside thing where you get buzzed in. So you had to open two doors and then you'd walk down this long hallway. And we lived on the first floor. You had to walk. It was literally like 20 steps to get to our place, take out your keys. So the thing about it was, is if you were rubbing one out, you heard the door slam. All right. So it just so happens one day I was sitting there watching TV on my little square fucking TV, watching TV. And there was no sound of a door or anything. It was the middle of the day. anything it was the middle of the day and all of a sudden i just heard the key for half a second and bobby fucking bursted in looking around i was just looking at him like dude what the fuck

and then he tried to be like oh hey what's up man what's up and i just looked down i go were you trying to catch me jerking off and he started fucking we do we laughed for like a fucking half hour and i went and i backed him i go wait a minute i go you opened that first door and you slowly closed it you dude he had to open one of those locks slow as shit because all i heard was the second latch it's just like bob what were you gonna do if you caught me it was just the idea of catching you he had to tiptoe down the hallway like catching you he had to tiptoed down the hallway like bobby literally had to tiptoe down the hallway he had to think about it jim he had to think about what

time of day it was because his fucking he used to say that shit like dude i've never seen your dick he would say shit like that to me it's like i plan to keep it that way i don't think like giving you the full frontal i don't think like giving you the full frontal I don't think I know you that well right and Bobby I don't know what his deal was so he became like obsessed over like a week's period of trying to like catch me jerking off and stuff I've never seen your dick I mean how odd is that but this is the thing Bobby's the kind of guy that can say that and it was just like hey it's Bobby right so the reason why we laughed was just like, hey, it's Bobby, right? So the reason why we laughed was because, like, for 40 minutes, I just broke down.

When did you first start thinking about, hey, it's 1240 in the afternoon. I wonder if Bill's jerking off. You're on the train. Was the excitement building? Were your hands trembling when you had to unlock? How fucking, Bobby, how fucking weird are you? And and he dude we fucking and i that was like living with him dude i had some of the best laughs i had in my fucking life of uh because there was enough of an overlap both good stuff and bad stuff definitely our friendship went up

and down during that time but we there was just enough of an overlap he was just such like uh he's one of the most fun guys ever to hang out with and he just he has that weird you know we're all fucking weird and that was his weird thing but uh well that was his also he wanted he wanted fucking something to attack you with like you know if you caught somebody jerking off and you went down to the cellar or boston with i mean that would that was great fodder. It was like great information. Yeah. That's what he would have done. What was the, I remember Steve Byrne telling me,

Bobby asked to borrow his tape, his camera. And I guess he left his audition reel for Saturday Night Live in there. But just the outtakes. And Bobby went up at Caroline's and just played the outtakes. No Bobby went up at Caroline's and just played the outtakes. No, no. This is an intimate story.

Was it Boston? I want to say it was Boston. Yeah. It was the Patrice O'Neill roast. So what happened was they had these opening auditions for SNL. So comics were all putting themselves on tape doing characters and shit. So Steve, and it was just open.

They were like, they don't care if you're doing comedy fucking two days. And Steve Byrne had literally been doing comedy for like a year and a half. So he makes this audition tape.

Just imagine you a year and a half into comedy doing an audition tape. You would not want anybody to see it, right? So he filmed himself doing the audition then uploaded edited or everything and he gave the camera back to bobby and then he realized that he had left the unedited tape in it and he said bobby and he made the mistake of telling bobby that it

was in there bobby's like yeah no, no problem, dude, whatever. And Bobby immediately took the tape, uploaded it to his hard drive. And then gave him the tape. Here you go, dude. Right. Never tell him you're watching this, you're open to debate this. This is how I remember it. And then this is the creepy thing. Once again, Bobby, how long were you thinking about catching me jerking off he kept this fucking thing he didn't just fucking hey Burke come over here man let's just watch this and then we'll fucking make fun of Steve and then I'll fucking put in my track he kept this thing I want to say for over a year waiting for the right moment to unleash it. So there's the Patrice O'Neill roast, that famous one. The tape of it is up on the internet somewhere. So Bobby goes up.

I think he had to go up first. He had a real tough spot. He's doing his jokes, and he was doing okay. And then just out of nowhere, he sort of set it up. But I don't think people quite understood what was going on, because it was still early in the show show and it was a really wild crowd and everything. Hey,

it was a wild crowd, right? Started playing the thing. And everybody was like, what the fuck? And here's the thing. Steve Byrne was not on the dais and he was also not at the roast. So was he not there for that?

I remember, I remember. I didn't remember that he wasn't there. No, but we also in defense of bobby we didn't know that that was breaking roast etiquette because i made fun of tony rock on that one and then found out that you weren't supposed to do that because it isn't fair because tony should have been there and then fucking slammed me so then i had to apologize to tony i felt fucking terrible right because i didn't know so bobby played that thing i just remember everybody like 30 seconds in i remember gerald the rest is so we're all going shut it off fucking horrible it was bad it was bad and then i remember going over to the cellar afterward

and steve burn just sitting there eating like a kebab and i just said hey steve what's up man i go hey man sorry about that bobby shit man he shouldn't have done that you know he's just kidding around or whatever and i just remember steve just going like surprised you're even talking to me dude it was fucking brutal humiliating that's a weird humiliating thing like a tape you make of characters and of trying to be a celebrity and it's like when you don't want guys watching that you don't want guys watch that if you like it you don't want a room full of comedians watching your fucking audition tape even if it's good but if it's the outtakes i mean there's nothing more humiliating than that but here's the thing though if you survive it and you're on the other side then

it's just like who gives a shit because then it's like all right well i took my turn right over that's what i used to whenever you used to take a pounding at the cellar and it would finally move on to somebody else and i'd just be like well i mean there's no more jokes about this shirt i can now i can order some food fucking relax i i got the beating from the gang, the initiation. They clubbed me and stepped on me and we're good now. I'm done. It is a weird type of comic that can't

be made fun of. I've seen a bunch of them where you start to break their balls and they shut down like it's a childhood thing where they're like, hey, no, man. That doesn't happen. I'm someone that I get made fun of a lot. And so when I go back and break balls, I'm the guy, oddly enough, that people will pull me aside and go,

hey, man, that fucking joke's not cool. And you're like, oh, I'm sorry. You can say everything you wanted about me. Nothing worse than a comedian who can't take being made fun of. A comedian who gets upset. We've all had a few where you shit on somebody, and you're like, oh, what the fuck was that joke? You know, there was one guy I got really mad at

because he was on stage and I'm at the sun and I'm going, oh, boo. I'm like fucking from the back of the room and he fucking went ballistic on me. He had just quit smoking, but he was really offended. He said, what the fuck are you doing? We were joking. But he just, he wasn't in that click. And so he thought that I really meant that he stunk,

but I was just, I was just fucking around with him. It took me a while to learn how to take it. When I was a kid, it wasn't done in a loving thing. It was mean. It was, it was trying to humiliate you. It was done until you cried so when i got older like my brain would go to that so it took me a while like it took me like three years to be like oh these guys are just fucking around and then i actually bill if you wake up and listen to half the shit you say about other people um and then i also then you learn techniques too it's like they shit on whatever you're shitting on and just be like, yeah, I'm awful, I stink. Yeah.

Just agree with it. Like the M&M and 8 Mile. You list all this shit that's fucked up and it just takes away the ability of them to club you with it. I saw Madonna do that when they found her fucking nudes from early on. This is before she'd done the book. They go, oh, these are, what do you have to say? She's like, oh yeah, you found those?

She's like, yeah, I got some better ones. Maybe I'll put those out someday. they go, these are the, what do you have to say? She's like, oh yeah, you found those? She's like, yeah, I got some better ones. Maybe I'll put those out someday. And they're like, oh wait, you were supposed to be humiliated and start crying to keep the story going. I watched Donald Trump do that

when he got elected. He said this about women, he said that about women. He goes, no I didn't, I said that about Rosie O'Donnell. And they're like, no,

you said it about other women. And he was like, yeah, you're probably right. And they were like, no wait, you were supposed other women. And he was like, yeah, you're probably right. And they were like, no, wait, you were supposed to deny it and it was supposed to be a scandal

and then we take you down. Yeah. I hate when I end a story that really has not a good ending. No, but all I'm thinking of is how bad I have to piss. That's Zoom bombing.

We should wrap this up. We've been doing it about an hour and 30 minutes. Yes, we have. This has been a fucking blast, man. I swear to God, I have giggled harder listening to you two. Thank you guys for having me on. Can I plug my Chipped Patreon? I'm just trying to make money on Patreon.

So the Chip Chippers and I have a Patreon I just started. That's what I'm doing after 30 years in the business. Jim my chip i want you to do it again i want you to i want you to believe what you're selling now i don't want that low self because i'm on that patreon that's a fucking hilarious episode but your episode is actually going to be regularly released too it's the episode after we'll start the page i didn't start with you because i wouldn't do that with it without telling you um yeah the chip Chipperson podcast is now on Patreon. There's going to be additional stuff in the full-length video. It's fucking hilarious.

It's worth the price. Go and get it. Don't be a dick. How was that? That was pretty good, right? I loved it. I challenged them. All right.

The great Jim Norton, dude. Great to see you over Zoom. Yeah, you too, man. Yeah, man. I'm hoping, I don't know, like everybody, I'm hoping this shit fucking ends sooner rather than later. So whatever. I got to start watching the,

got to get up early enough to get to start watching the Jim and Sam show. So on Zoom here, wait, where can you watch that? It's on YouTube. They just upload it and it's for free. There's like, I think everyone is for free right now from Sirius. They're just putting us all up to let people see it or hear it for free. So it's out there. It's easy to find. All right. I probably knew that just, I was trying to wrap up the show and it just unraveled. So I figured I'd throw it back to you.

All right. Well, thank you guys. And a great job in the King of Set and Alamin. Thank you so much. All right. That concludes this episode of the bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. Ah, it was on you though. All right, man. Thanks for of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. Ah, it was on you, though. All right, man. Thanks for watching.

We'll see you. Thanks, Jim. See you, guys. All right, guys. We'll see you later. Thanks. Stay on it.. you