The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 18

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about bad business, lighting up strangers, and weird parenting.

hey what's going on welcome to another episode of the bill burt pod cast how are you congratulations bill what a fucking great performance dude you were we watched it with the girls last night and leanne like halfway through goes oh my god that's bill burr and i went yeah she goes that mustache threw me this is bill holy shit he can really fucking act i was like yeah i know right she's like he's a man like she was the girls were through the roof we love the fucking movie man that's so awesome that's so awesome i had so much fun doing it for those of you not familiar he's talking with about the king of staten island the new pete davidson mar Tomei, Steve Buscemi, Don Lombardozzi, Jimmy Tatro, all of those guys.

Movie that just came out that is streaming everywhere. I know little people, some people are like, oh, 20 bucks, but you can watch it with like 10 people. Cost you two bucks a whack. We watched it with another family in their screening room, and it was awesome man it was so good and pete is amazing too he's so lovable in that movie like you just fall in love with him because he is a shit the character is an unlikable character until towards the end i don't

want to i'm not gonna spoil anything but like but he becomes so he's i texted pete last night and i was like dude you have an amazing movie congrats and i wasn'tete last night and i was like dude you have an amazing movie congrats and i wasn't gonna text you because i was like i'm gonna talk to him tomorrow you did so good my first question first question about the movie you kissed marissa tomei oh god the creepy morning zoo question she is so hot she is so hot and she is so hot. And she, I swear to God, she is one of the best actresses we have in our generation. When she did All in the Family reboot, she stole the show. She is so talented. My cousin Vinny is one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.

And her performance in that movie is better than anyone in that movie. She is fucking awesome. But, like, you had, like, legit, like, you hung out with her. Like, you, like, went to a Yankees game with her. You, like, hung out with her. Like, you, like, went to a Yankees game with her. You, like, hung out with her. It was a movie, Bert. It was a movie. It was, yeah.

It was, yeah. It was make-believe. It was pretend. Okay, when you kissed her, did you guys use tongue? Bert, I'm a married man, and I'm acting. So you asked for a note. I'm acting i'm acting it was like dude i'll tell you what it was literally people who weren't in the movie sitting on the stoop like out like over her shoulder like going like this as you're doing it it was it's the most not romantic thing ever it's

all like all right you know it's like right before you go, it's like, is this like a kiss kiss? Is this a kiss goodbye? Oh, okay. That's it. That's it. And it's just like anything else. How mad am I? Am I here? Am I here? Am I through the roof? Veins coming out the side. It was the same thing, but she's, yeah, she's definitely, you know, she's the best I ever worked with and I've worked with a lot of amazing actors and the little amount of stuff that I've worked with a lot of amazing actors and the little amount of stuff that I've done.

So yeah, it was great. But as far as like all your creepy questions, no, I'm a married guy. The best kisser I know is my wife. I'm going to leave it at that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I got to kiss Marissa Tomei, I'd do an hour and 20 minute podcast on that.

Why would you do that? Because dude, she is so, she is so sexy. Like there's something about her that is like really just draws you in. Like it's just, you know, it's like they say you got that it factor, you know, like we'll pivot a tad bit and later, but like Chappelle does a special. You are a 14 year old boy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Bill, I had a, I had a sexy one time with a girl and I got a boner in the middle of it. And I had to stop. I was like, hold on for a second. We were dry humping.

And I was like, this is still dry humping. Like we're still dry humping. Hey, you know, Bert, you're method. You're a method actor.

So, I mean, you were doing your thing. How many days did it take to shoot that movie? We shot it over last summer. We started in the beginning of June. And we ended, like, I remember my wrap date was August 9th. I actually remember my wrap date because I was so sick of that mustache getting into all of my food. Yeah. That and I still remember after we rapped, I was going to the beach with my family out and we're still in New York. And I text Judd like six times. Are you sure it's OK to shave it off? Shave away. Are you sure, dude? Took me

eight weeks to grow it. What are we doing? And he's like, you're all good. Shave away. I think we Instagrammed it too when my wife shaved it off. So yeah, that's what I do remember. And there's so much stuff too, like on the cutting room floor of a lot of the firefighter stuff, so much stuff too, like on the cutting room floor of a lot of the, the firefighter stuff. Uh, Jimmy Tatro, Don Lombardo,

Z, Hank, Mario, John Sorrentino, all of those guys, Gisele, everybody just was crushing it. Like Becky own,

like Becky own, Mike, like you own, had a great, I kept forgetting to bring up his name when I've been doing these things. And, uh, action Bronson was hilarious.

Everybody just kind of showed up, did their thing, and Judd would watch a couple tapes and be like, all right, they're leaning this way. You know, we have like 40 takes of action Bronson saying different reasons why something happened. I don't want to ruin anything, but I probably just ruined the cameo. But, you know, whatever.

He was amazing. It really was a great movie. And, like, laugh out loud in so many parts, cameo but you know whatever yeah he was amazing it was it really was a great movie and like laugh out loud in so many parts but it was it was not it it's it's not a comedy but it's a it was funny does that make sense like it was funny i think that's what made me laugh harder it was like not saying it was 48 hours but you know 48 hours was funny as shit but it's not a comedy but it's funny as shit i love that movie i love that movie but it's funny as shit? I love that movie. I love that movie.

And I'll tell you, that movie, I've said this before on other podcasts, the best gun sound in any movie I've ever heard is in 48 Hours. That gun that Gans has when he's shooting that thing, he's got the tank top on. Total badass. I love the sound of the guns in that movie. I'm dying to know, because all I really know about Judd, I don't think I've ever met. I met Judd a couple times, but I think Judd's awesome. Is it, like, he just seems to have the magic touch.

Like, did you see? I'm obsessed with this. I'm obsessed with like, taking a look at the guys that are doing it right and finding the things they do right, but finding the things they do wrong and like seeing like little things, like what is the magic touch Judd has?

Because every movie he does with comics seems to be a home run. Yeah, you'd have to ask him. I mean, I don't know how to make a movie, a home run yeah you'd have to ask him I mean I don't know how to make a movie but um yeah he kind of has that Belichick thing where he can just keep you know moving on to the next second round draft pick that suddenly you know steps in and does the job for him. He kind of, he's kind of like, I would compare it to Bill Belichick, where he's winning with way less, you know,

I'm not trashing anybody in the movie. I'm just saying I'm in it. There you go. But he knows how to, he knows how to win. The way a coach knows how to win, like he doesn't need to just, you know, do like, like what the Lakers do where they just buy every free agent in the league. Sorry, had to do it. Anybody can do that. Like go out and do like, you know, some of the superhero movies,

like they, they got the budget. So it's just like, you're getting proven people that, you know, can crush it. And that's why those movies are great. Right. So, but he has that ability before people get their shot to kind of, I guess, see something. I don't know. But Pete Davidson really lobbied to get me in the movie, though.

Of real? Yeah, well, I had done an episode of Pete Holmes crashing. And I think Judd liked what I did on that, so he knew that I could act. And then, you know, I've known Pete since right as he started doing stand-up. and uh i think judd liked what i did on that so he knew that i could act and then you know i've known pete since right as he started doing stand-up and uh he was he he called me up and was saying like you know i'm writing this thing with judd and i was there's this part i want you to play it would you do this movie you know which is so funny to me it's like it's judd

apatow yes of course yeah anything short of full frontal i'm gonna i'm gonna say yes to it so um it was also part of me getting in there was also pete um jimmy tatro is fucking awesome he is jimmy tatro is really fucking talented i love guys who can take who can be very very small in a scene but make everything they do very he's like a splinter a splinter could be this big but it drives you nuts all night it's a thing you focus on man he would steal the second he'd pop up i would both leon i said we gravitated to him like going this guy's just interesting now jimmy tatro is a star and he has a really unique voice and then also the choices he was making you know there's so much funny in there that a lot of his stuff got taken out but if if uh

you know definitely watch that guy like just the with all the improv there was a couple scenes we did didn't make the movie but there was like you know eight people going back and forth like all kinds of funny lines and he would always find his own lane that not only showcased his character but also enhanced everything that that we were doing you know if you got just got two guys yelling fuck you fuck you yeah he would know to be like well i mean this guy's got a point you know he would do that and then that would add this whole other like you know 3d kind of thing going on. So I loved him, man.

I'm hoping to get him on F is for Family. He's got that great voice. So people watch F is for Family. Another thing I got out there, season four. We got season five. He's definitely – there's a number of people that I'm trying to get in, and he's somebody I definitely want to work with again. Lynn Coplitz, destroyed.

Oh, yeah. It was – destroyed yeah yeah it was it was a it was you know what it was bill you and pete did him you pete marissa tomei were amazing and by the way fucking judd's daughter maude maude holy fuck i'm going like that's his daughter like there's no nepotism she can fucking act like she was great she was great she was i mean obviously she comes from judd and fucking his wife and she's a great actress leslie man but like but uh but lynn cop there were so many people that stole the scenes like lynn coplets whenever she was on camera she just hit it out of the park eat a dick oh yeah no she's really she's like uh like an old tree as far as like just rooted into the ground

you're not moving her and like i shouldn't have said oh you know there's a big thing with women i don't mean it like that i just mean like she's just like she's planted in the scene yeah so what like i look actors that i work with that i like lynn where it's like everything that it's like a boxer with heavy hands. Like everything is so fucking weighted. Like when they hit you with this shit, it could just be a hello, but it's such a legit. They're in it. It's like it hits you in the chest.

You're like, oh, fuck. I'm going to get smoked in this scene. Yeah, it was. It was, dude. There's so many great performances. I can't find the kid's name the kid that was the the um kevin corrigan was the guy who ran the restaurant but the black kid that he worked with who uh was awesome yeah ricky velez was great too i gotta get now i'm gonna feel

like an asshole if i don't know i'm an avalon machine gun kelly the guy that played igor igor is a great character like dude oh i loved him. He was so rich with great, great, great characters that every scene kind of just chugged along. You know what it was like? It was like you couldn't see where the punches were coming. It was just such a great movie, man. And don't forget Keith Robinson, the Daniel Day-Lewis of stand-up comedians.

Keith Robinson showing up. Yeah, I don't want to ruin, like, some of those things people will like to be surprised that they're coming in. I got surprised. I got surprised by, you know, our buddy and his wife were in it. Yeah. It was just so cool, man. It was such a great movie.

It was so well done. Congratulations to you. Thank you. To Pete and to Judd. You guys really fucking did the thing that everyone wanted it to be. Oh, good. All right.

Thank you. All right. Getting trash bird. I don't know how to analyst. Next one. You and Rogan. What a great fucking podcast. Holy shit,

Bill, your line about fucking jaws had me fall off the treadmill. I fell off the treadmill, Bill. I fell. I forgot that one. I saw it. i saw i reposted it uh when i saw it i'd forgotten that thing you know it was just a couple of fellas talking burt yeah but you know it's it's interesting you talked about uh you talked about how podcasting people are trying to steal from podcasters and managers and agents and, and, and the Hollywood accounting of it.

And these companies that came in and said, Oh, we'll just use that old format for radio and we'll plug it in. You said, you said something that I've been trying to, I've been trying to vocalize and I've always messed it up. I said, Oh no, they've got to pay for staples. They need pens. They need, they don't need just a pen to write things down that company needs boxes of pens in case anyone needs a pen they can go get a free pen and then no one cares about that pen because they didn't pay for that pen and you said say

they've got to justify paying for their desk no justify having it no what it's it's i would have no i have no problem getting in business with people that aren't trying to steal from you. And that's just not, that's really not the business model period. Yeah. It's just, it's just like, just people date you to the level of stealing in business is I, I mean, and they get away with it. They get away with it. It's fucking ridiculous. So, and they get away with it. They get away with it. It's fucking ridiculous. So, you know, I just feel a responsibility because out of dumb luck that podcasting came along before anybody knew what it was going to do, that we were all able to do what we did and get out in front of it. But now the businessman's going to come in,

and they only know one way of doing things. They come in, they take their dick out, and they bend everybody over in the room and start fucking. That's how they do business. And then they say, that's how business is done. And they, you know, I just cannot stress enough to any young comedian watching this is you don't need any help starting a podcast. You need help getting into a movie. You need help getting into clubs. You need them for that. This is something that you can just do yourself. And if you're willing to put the work in and you're good, you're going to, you know, the cream will rise to the top. It's just what it is. And I've seen so many people, there's so many podcasts of people I've never even fucking heard

of, but everybody's getting this slice of the pie and they're all living these great lives, which I love to see. And I just don't want to see once again, the businessman comes in with the fucking lasso, rounds everybody up, all the money goes to him. And then he does his little purse strings and trickles it out down to us. You know, and then, you know, they tie it up in court. You got to sue him and all of this shit. It's just it's it's fucking horrible. The way business is done, the dishonesty of business and the fact that, that fucking, that people can do shit like that and then sleep at night, like, you know, not saying I'm a perfect person, but I don't know how you just fucking steal from people like that. And that's what they'll do. Cause I have a bad feeling they're going to treat,

like that and that's what they'll do because i have a bad feeling they're gonna treat if you stay they want to be they got to get their fucking piss on it so i was part of you starting it and then you'll fucking do a podcast for 50 years and you left that agent fucking 40 years ago and you're still paying them yeah that's that's what they want and then what they want is they don't just want that one they want thousands of that. And then I can just sit there in my infinity pool with my mountain of coke and my horse. You know, as you're just giving away all this money, you don't need to give away. You just don't need to do it. You don't need them to do it. And I bet that they're going to use their leverage, their position of power to say like, well, no, we only do straight across the board unless you do this.

position of power to say like, well, no, we only do straight across the board unless you do this. And, you know, that's when it's going to separate the men from the boys where you have to believe in your talent and not give into it. I fucking hate it, dude. I hate, I hate the way business is done as much as I hate, you know, Trump going to have a rally in Tulsa, knowing what Tulsa means to African American people, what happened there, and just being so blatant and overt with this race. Because I'm not a political guy. I don't tell people who to vote for. But this guy has such fucking hate in his heart.

He can't not say something. It's like, Jesus Christ, buddy. I get it. You're conservative. I get it. You're into the religious thing. I get it. I'm not into that shit, but I respect that.

But this shit here, especially with what's happening, just watching that guy. And those people fucking sleep at night. Still pillowcases, Bert. For those of you not listening, this is how much Bert Kreischer has been listening and learning over this last week. In 1921, it was the Tulsa Massacre. There is a little town just south of the tracks. And a shoeshine boy tripped in an elevator and landed on a white girl and she hit him with his purse broke her purse strap she went

to the cops they came and got him the next day when he was hanging out with his friends and it was a massacre of black people they went through this town uh and also because they were doing really well and people were jealous yeah their own shit going on their doctors and lawyers all on this one street and i bet that shit in the elevator never fucking happened the way that lady said it happened so yeah yeah it's it's and so to have the standing president deliberately go there to inflame that is just it's uh i don't even know i don't even know i mean when i fucking put it in words i'm just amazed i am so fucking amazed like when i'm just watching politicians my whole life any little thing could take them down because they i think because they believed they could

take him down and he's just like that's fucking guy the shit that this guy's doing um when just when it comes to that stuff all of that other stuff international trade i don't And he's just like, that's fucking guy, the shit that this guy's doing. Just when it comes to that stuff, all of that other stuff, international trade, I don't understand any of that. But just as far as like, common decency as a fucking human being. I hate bullies and I can't. I don't like bullies. I don't like bullies at all. I think that's what really bothered me about.

That's what bothers me when you look at any of these Karen videos that you see you know the Karen videos Karen's gone wild and it's white women white women are all coming out going just for the record I have a friend Karen and she's really nice like they are so concerned about their friend's name Karen rather than it's like it's not a, that's just a name. It's what white women are doing. And you're a white woman. And you're, and your focus in this is, is the white woman named Karen. Karen's are N words. Yeah. It's just fucking, it's, it's fucking hilarious. And I just, you know, the misogynistic side of me that I'm enjoying the shit out of watching white women. Let me watch how they try to manipulate their fucking way out of this. There's another Karen that I know.

One time. Just shut up and take your fucking medicine. Here's my question. Can they ever just say, you know what, you're right? No. We need to work on that. Did they ever say that? No.

Can you ever say it enough as a guy? Oh, fuck yeah. as a guy. Oh, fuck yeah. I've spent this entire, probably full year, 18 months, ever since Me Too started, and I heard people were upset. I have been one listening

motherfucker. I don't tweet anything. I never talk politically ever really, anyway. But like, I'm curious, because like, I never heard about the Tulsa massacre. I never heard about it in my life, right? Heard about it the other day. There are so many fucking racial massacres and employment massacres

that have happened in this country. Dude, this one in Pittsburgh, I did a gig in Pittsburgh. Where the hotel was, this was before unions were going on and all the people down the factory wanted to get paid and not have child labor and all of this shit and they sent a militia down there and they just were cracking skulls and they just killed a bunch of people just came down and just fucking shot him and that was white people on white people so if white people do that to white people you can imagine what would go down and in the complete lack of being prosecuted.

I mean, that shit was going on right up until like the as far as like what was that horrific one? With the three fucking white guys were sitting there, they either blew up the church. You can't even keep track of them or killed some some African-American people. And they were sitting there with smirks on their face during the trial. Like, it's like, how do you, like, you killed somebody. Dude. You killed somebody,

and you're sitting there with a fucking smirk on your face. Like, that goes beyond, like, I mean, I've seen serial killers on trial, and at least they have, like, devoid of emotion, and they're, like, you know, like you know crazy but to like be totally like this is how fucked up racism is someone could be like a loving father or not but i mean you saw that with like the nazis they could they remember seeing this thing this guy would be like right on the other side of his fucking wall they were they were putting people in ovens and he's on the other side you know another day at work takes off

his ss thing he's playing fucking t-ball in the backyard and the smell of what they're doing is coming over i'm telling you to do that the capabilities of evil of human beings is as uh is scary here's what i say though i've said this don't ever underestimate your capability of being a bad person. Cause when rage fills you, when rage hits you and your ears get light and your heart starts racing and there's only one fix for that. And you're like, I got to light a motherfucker up. Cause I got videotaped. I got videotaped. You're going full on Tampa right now. I love it, dude. I got,

I was with the girls were We're walking the dogs. And I have my bandana around my neck. I don't have it over my face. I just have it around my neck, right? Girls have their face masks on. And a woman is either, I have not seen the video yet. So she is either FaceTiming someone else or she is simply recording me. And she just puts her phone in my face from the other side of the street, walking the other direction and goes, look at it. Another one. it another one no mask no and it's like right on my neck

whoo i lit that bitch up called her a cunt and fucking all of a sudden i'm like but you're just like you're like it's it's just weird when someone videotapes you it's a it is a fucking flex it is like uh it is like go ahead be an asshole and then i go listen i have it and you want to say you know what you should do in that scenario is go uh you're right i'm gonna put it on now but there's a weird thing but if nobody is within six feet of you what is the fucking problem that's what i said that's what i said somewhere in all those that blitzkrieg of cunts you i imagine you said that.

No, I said, I said, we're pretty far away. And she goes, doesn't matter. Mass outside, even if you're exercising. And I go, I'm not fucking exercising. I'm walking my dogs, you fucking cunt. And then she goes, oh, oh, got that on camera. And I was like, eh, okay. It's brand friendly.

That's another thing too, is I, this whole thing of just people ratting everybody out while they just think that they're the greatest person ever. Yep. Like that. That's one thing that there's certain things that you need to rat out. Cunt is not I mean, that's not a slur. It's just a fucking word. And, you know, not for nothing. She's kind of being. Yeah, she's and you know not for nothing she's kind of being yeah she's being like a little fucking there's another one like you couldn't videotape her doing something going there's another one yeah i i was really kind of oh you should have called her a karen okay karen oh karen is gonna bill no karen finally unseed cunt Cunt is like the Yankees in the 1950s.

Nobody could beat him for like four or five years in a fucking row. Sure thing, Karen. When is 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers going to come in with Karen and finally beat him? Oh, my cunt was so under my breath that my daughters didn't even hear it, and she caught it, though. It was such a fucking cunt, like a fucking cunt. But Karen would have been the home run. I was blown away.

I'm blown away about how many people tell people to go back to their own country. Like who the fuck says that? I've never even thought that. Swear on my hand to a Bible. Never thought about hitting a woman and never thought about telling a person to go back to their own country.

What a fucking weird thing to say to someone you know they went to school with you just like that like that what they were that they were born here yeah you know they were born here there would there's a girl did you see the one karen in the park uh i couldn't see the girl's face really i think she's filipino and she's just doing the thing on the step where you go like this, right? With your feet. She's working out. And the girl's like, go back to your own Asian country. Girl has no accent.

Like, I mean, it's not like she's cooking a fucking bat on these steps. Like, she's just putting her feet like this, right? And fucking that just blows me away that that is where that person's brain goes yeah and they're also not um they're not acknowledging that everybody who came here helped build the place some without even getting paid so you know listen we all say dumb shit but that's type of stuff. I mean, past a certain age. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. And I actually, you know, talking about this shit, I don't know that this actually helps anything because people either already agreed with what we're saying or they don't.

And I just wish there was a sort of a world where you could be like, say, like, what just happened to you? Where you could actually sit down and be like, why did you feel like you had to be the masked Nazi? And Bert, why did you feel like, what from your childhood made you immediately go to cunt rather than like, hey, you know, we're more than six feet away and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. You know, and it's just like, there is something annoying in general about somebody telling you what to do.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll tell you personally, I don't like being given directions. I have a hard time. Like, I couldn't work a job now. I think I've been on my own so much that someone couldn't go, hey, this is what I need from you. I'd be like, I need to choose to do that or I'm not going to do it.

Like, yeah, I get like, I get real snippy with like uh tsa and i'm like what is wrong with me like if they'll be like sir could you just stand over here please sir and please and i will deliberately not quite stand where they told me to that's my own fucking rebellion and uh you know and i just you know just full of myself where it's like, I know I'm not a terrorist. Why doesn't everybody else know? You know, these guys are literally trying to help prevent another 9-11. And I'm upset about it. I'm upset by it because enough time has gone by that now I've settled back

into me in the universe between my fucking head, my ears. Sorry. It really stinks, man. I think a lot fucking head. My ears, sorry. It really stinks, man. I think a lot of it, hey Leanne. I'm talking to Bill, do you wanna say anything to Bill? Hi Bill. Hey, how are ya? I'm good, how are you?

I'm doing good. Your husband said a bunch of nice things and said you guys enjoyed the movie. Thank you. We did. It was great. You were so good. Oh, thank you. Hey, you know, you give me 100 shots at acting, eventually I'm going to connect.

You're very believable as that person. It was awesome. Well, raise an asshole and so am I. So thank you. I appreciate it. You're welcome. I'll let you go. I thought you just said. Have a and so am I. So thank you. I appreciate it. You're welcome. I'll let you go. I thought you just said.

Have a good day. All right, we'll see you. Opposites attract, man. She is a sweetheart. Yeah, I know. She's going back to the cuddle dungeon. I think there's just a lot of sadness in people. I think a lot of people are sad and angry that life didn't give them what they were

promised as a kid. I think we give everyone so much hope. And I think, I think social media has fucked this up is that everyone believes one. I remember one day I was watching a cribs and I was like, I wonder what I'm going to get a yacht. I wonder what age I'll be when I get a yacht. And I haven't gotten a yacht yet.

And by the way, there's no chance I'm getting a yacht. Like I literally thought you were going to start crying. I haven't gotten a yacht yet. And everybody's saying that I'm privileged. It's like, wait a yacht. I literally thought you were going to start crying. I haven't got a yacht yet. And everybody's saying that I'm privileged. It's like, wait a minute. I'm still renting a fucking jet ski. Where's my private island?

I remember thinking at one point I'll probably have a private island. But there is shit. I'll tell you what has really influenced stuff is when I was a kid, we moved around a lot and when we moved in someplace whatever it looked like was how it looked there wasn't this whole oh no the fridge has to be over here and i need granite countertops and fucking squirrel fur around the fucking doorframe. Like, you can't move into a house unless it's your MTV Cribs version of it. It seems to be like these fucking makeovers. It was like one makeover house show when I was growing up. It was called This Old House.

Yep. Yeah, and this guy, you know, he would fix it up. He'd put a new roof on. He'd stain the new roof on. He'd stain the floors, and it looked good. But he didn't like – he wasn't – as far as I remember, there wasn't that blowing out the floor open door plan, and the top floor of your house looks like a fucking nightclub with aquarium lights and an infinity pool.

I mean, it's fucking – like,, um, I've seen like, you know, I've lived in my place long enough where I've seen, uh, like there's always that house on the, on, on the block that seems to be the, just the one that's just kind of turning. Like people live there for a year or two, a year or two. And every single person who's gone in before they moved in has ripped a bunch of shit out and put shit in. You just think like, where does that stuff go? Because I've been guilty of it, too. I redid my whole friggin house. And it's just like not everything.

I mean, a lot of it, the cloth wiring and the fucking galvanized pipe needed to go. But there was a lot of shit where it's just like, you know, my parents would have lived with that. Do we moved into one house. I remember the master bedroom where my parents lived was lived with a they their bedroom. I guess the last person was like a hippie or whatever and want to make a look outside. It had this like electric lime green, like Kelly Green. Shag rug it wasn't shag rug what was like this but it was like the clumps like the cowlicky looking shit yeah and then it had like all these daisy like wallpaper i mean it was fucking hideous it was like something like out of anchorman

and i remember my parents were like oh my god we're changing this never changed it never changed it and then their their whole bedroom set was you know my parents are conservatives so it was all really like you know

really like the wood sort of old school garrison colonial looking shit mixed in with this hey man like let's end the war sort of

yeah it made no sense. So I don't know. I watch Pool Masters, like Ultimate Pools. I'm obsessed with anything DIY. Those DIY network is my favorite network. Building off the grid, dude, I want to yurt so fucking bad. What's a yurt?

Oh. See, this is where – so a yurt's like a pop-up tent. They give you a structure that you can put together yourself. They give you the, like, teepee part of the top, and then you put cloth over it. And then it's an expanding, like... Do you remember those gates that you'd put in front of the stairs so the kids couldn't go up in front of the stairs?

One of those that it stretches around, and then you just kind of put cloth all over it on a surface. But it's amazing when you see it. It's like a teepee with a picket fence. Yeah, with a little more high end of a teepee. Oh, sorry. Jesus. Whoa.

Pretty nice. Pretty nice. But you look at, whenever it's the pool, people, I am always shocked that they're like, I've always wanted a grotto and you're like who fucking ever uses a grotto like a grotto seems like it seems so gross you get like jizz in the pool right that means you want to go bang a bunch of people under a bunch of fake rocks yeah basically everyone gets a fucking grotto and i'm always to me which was always the playboy

mansion yeah yeah exactly and all the actors at that time were doing blow off playmates fucking titties and then they all bang going like

you know whatever the movies I loved you in bullet I got a new series called Bonanza you're gonna love it yeah it's interesting uh it's interesting because i think that all feeds into why people are so sad and so upset i mean the one lady the one lady that got busted twice

in one day that karen um she she i think she's mentally ill i think i think a lot of it's mental illness i mean the one karen got busted twice in one day lighting up asians and uh and i i think she's like legit mentally ill and i i think it's a it's just this weird thing about how how how do you teach your kids to grow up with like achievable dreams like how do you say to your kids listen you can be a fucking paralegal you don't like you can just do that like you don't have to be yeah i know because what it is is it's with the social media and all and on the camera and everything everybody is sort of bitten by the celebrity bug yeah that you and i got bitten by before it when we were just like, well, I mean, I'm speaking for myself. I just felt

like, you know, I, you know, I, for me, a lot of doing standup was like, I'm going to get out there and be funny. And then people will stop fucking with me. They'll think I'll be a great guy. Some beautiful woman will like me. I don't need to break the ice. Cause she saw me on stage. She'll come up to me and all my problems are going to get solved and none of them were none of them got the same thing all i did was become all i did was get good at telling jokes and then everything else in my life was at the fucking starting line so that's actually really interesting why i think people would like you know that whole instagram thing and filming yourself because that's another reason why i think comedy comedians are so much better and comedies get better

is because the general public is so fucking educated on what plays because they've posted their own videos. And if what they post bombs, you know, it's the same trial by fire that we get. The no laughs, getting heckled, getting shit, you know, mean comments. They learn that they maybe need to lose a few pounds. I mean, you put yourself out there, you're going to get fucking trash.

So I think it's like a, it is a good and bad thing, but I definitely think that it has men feeling like they need to have a car collection and an infinity pool. And women thinking, young women thinking that they got to be slim thick with the fucking fat ass thick thighs and abs. I mean, women even get to the point of that little fucking V thing with the lips. That's like a thing with them. Do you have the, do your lips come together and then have like that? I forget what they call it. I don't know. i was hoping you could help me out there burke i know you're big into the botox scene but like they they've gotten into this whole fucking thing where they have to

be like um you know just you know go through law school you're getting botox and you're in fucking laws like you know what yeah i've noticed that is I'm fucking, I was always talking too much here. Real estate agents. Like when did they have to start looking like models? Yeah. I noticed that like about 10, 12 years ago, all of a sudden they stopped just having real estate.

All of a sudden they would have like, there was some, first it was just some sort of perky, like, you know, I just grew up around y'all. That was the vibe first. And then it kind of became

like this like is that a first lady look at that pantsuit that's impressive and now it's like full on like is that a movie that's coming out oh no they're trying to sell me a fucking one-bedroom ranch dude i have seen when we were looking at houses last year, I saw some fucking beautiful real estate agents. Like, real estate agents where you go into the house and you're just like, holy shit. I mean, we went to one house and this woman was so beautiful that I, I was like. I want the house. I literally was like, I'll take it. I'll take it. You're perfect. She was so like, and it was so interesting because it was so the house was so overpriced.

Dude, I just thought of something. What? What about in the you ever seen the few, you know, like when they have these really high end houses for like 40 50 million bucks, and they you did you show up it has a Lamborghini already in the garage. Yeah. In the future, when they have like sex robots, right, there'll be one

that comes with the house if you buy it. And if, in like, the better the house, the better, you get like a fucking 10. And you got to start a house

and there's just that chick that's like a good shit, you know what I mean? But she's got, she's got a little back fat on her and stuff. Dude, there's going to be a used sex doll market on fucking, on eBay. It doesn't have a lot of miles. It doesn't have a lot of fucks.

Never did anal. Never did anal with this. She only had six boyfriends. That's it. Six guys. She's only with six guys. Always wore a condom. It never saw rain.

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No drilling, no wires, bing, bang, boom, it's there. You know, Hertz is selling almost their entire fleet right now. What, their cars? Yeah, Hertz is selling all like they're losing money because of the pandemic and they've got to liquidate some of their fleet to make money and you can get a great car for a great price and they deliver it to your house hertz actually um declared bankruptcy the day after they declared bankruptcy. If you bought the stock the day after, uh, after that, it would have been up like 1400%. I don't remember the exact

amount of time that went by because they got bailed out. So essentially they got bailed out by the government filed for bankruptcy, right? All around the same time. And then their stock went up and now they're selling off those assets. So're selling assets yeah it's it's it's pretty screwed up that sounds like a movie steve carell is gonna star in yeah somebody's gonna get caught with their pants down on that one like they knew that it was you know and then we'll just say we're going bankrupt yeah and then we'll get bailed out like when did they know that they were getting a bailout i don't know yeah but buying a rental car would be like buying a used sex doll people trash rental cars yeah yeah that is that is definitely uh that is definitely dumb but i guarantee you they're not i don't think that you are they selling those camaros they're selling

everything man they're selling bmws they're selling uhillac, a lot of Cadillacs, a lot of Fords. I'll tell you the best buy you can get from there would be one of the minivans. Minivans are so fucking good. I wish they didn't look like they looked. I wish they could just clean up the outside and make them look kind of manly. But the minivans are great cars. Well, you should get one for a good price and then take it to a custom car place. I was looking because Georgia just turned 16 last week, and we want to get her a car, but it's really tough right now because you can't test drive anything. You've got to set it up, and it's not like you can just go to the dealership. And so I was looking online today, and I was like, you can get a used Ford Explorer,

which is a really nice car with, with like 1300 miles on it. I used to have a joke bill. I've never had sex with a virgin, but I did get a rental car with seven miles on it one time. And I was like, okay, well, this is nice. We're going to take it slow. I'm not going to go too fast. You'll bleed all over the place. But, uh, the, uh, but yeah, so I was looking through Hertz today. I don't know. There's a few, I love those car commercials. You know, now when they're sitting there going,

you know, we're all in this together. You know, it's such a difficult time. Like how they're framing that. It's like, yeah, everybody is losing money hand over fist and you want me to buy a new car? Like how does this, like in what, one of the biggest depreciating assets the second you drive it off the lot in what fucking world am i gonna do that i i feel like right now the big thing is is

whatever your hobby is whatever the fuck you're into there's somebody that you know but you're taking advantage of people like i was i said a couple months ago, like, right, if you're going to buy a boat, if you're going to buy a motorcycle, a hang glider, just that recreational, an RV. Yeah. This has got to do. There was a place over in New Zealand, someplace that had like three or four of those A-stars, like the police fly, those helicopters, went out of business and was selling those things with low hours for a song i actually looked into how much it would cost to ship it back yeah they take it apart to some extent um one of my buddies asked me so like what you'd like

fly it back ask if i'd fly a helicopter back from new zealand i was i was by the way we just thought you know we'd uh we'd get really high up and have some oxygen and try to auto-rotate to Fiji. And then we'd get back up there. There's a way. Fly along China and North Korea and get fucking shot down. I think everyone's financial plan... When I was a kid, I was like,

all you got to do is be that guy who's got money right before the Great Depression. Save your money and wait for the Great Depression. And then when you have money and something bad happens to the economy, you don't want to be, I feel like those guys are cleaning up. They're like the dirty rich people. They're like, yeah, I'm going to get that property. I'm going to get that property. I'm going to just clean it all up. Everyone's falling. Hey, get out of here by Thursday. You got to get out of here. You couldn't pay your bills. We were there for 2008 when it happened with the real estate market. And I remember being like, listening to people going, yeah, man, they defaulted on their loan. We're going to short

sell it. And you're like, ugh. Yeah, no, that just feels dirty to me. I hate seeing people lose, you know? I don't mind a few sports teams losing, but I don't like getting shit that way. There's got to be another way to, like, it's such a filthy game. I remember when I first got my old truck and I was talking to this guy and he was, like, all about that whole scene. And he was saying, you know, next time you get something, he goes, what you want to do is find a guy who already invested all the money in it and is going through a divorce, and I was just like, oh, fuck. I go, you've done that? He goes, yeah, I've done it a couple of

times, and I was like what I go can you even look the guy in the eye as you come up there he goes because yeah there's not a lot of talking I was just like wow wow I had someone in Canada one time say uh you know what you got to do is because I wanted a motorcycle they're like come up to Edmonton around uh september i said why they go everyone's getting rid of their motorcycles because it's gonna start snowing people selling motorcycles like crazy that's not bad that's just a weather thing yeah that's not i don't want to take it because you know your mom got tuberculosis and the fucking some what are those those fucking bull weevils whatever you call those that fucking bug ate your crops. I don't want to get shit,

but get a good deal because of that. And I believe, I believe in bad luck. I believe you can go, oh, this house, man, like the same way you'd say, oh, like a whole family was murdered here. You can get a good sell on it. You'd be like, I'm good.

But if they go, no, they were divorced and it ended really nasty. You're like, I don't want that energy. Maybe it's the house. Maybe it's the way the kitchen's set up. So every morning when you wake up, you're like, motherfucker, I gotta walk around this beam.

Wait a minute. You think somebody would kill somebody because of a beam in a house? I don't know. You never know. You never know. Is there something in your house that, like, there's a step up to a step

and you stub your toe on it every fucking day? Are you a superstitious person oh wow you should have seen the face he just made i think that the shot was on me yeah i bill i am the most superstitious person in the world i mean will you put a hat on a bed oh i don't have no it's not the ones that everyone else is I have owls everywhere because I believe owls are good luck. If I see a penny, I always grab it. I can... You cheap motherfucker. I can spin myself out in superstition.

Like before I'm shooting a special, my superstition levels are through the fucking roof. Okay. I see what you're saying. That's all right. A couple of owls, you get a little fucking OCD before a special. Hardcore. You don't get it.

I have superstition. I am a big believer in not talking shit. What do you mean? And just like, I just, I don't, I don't know. It's just like, I know that any second it can all go fucking sideways and just walking around. And also I think it's a bad head space for me. Other people, I think it works for them. Because when I watch Muhammad Ali, no one talked more shit than that guy.

But when I watch it, I'm like, this guy's like his own self-help book. You know, I'm fast, I'm'm pretty you can't stop me and blah blah blah and then you think of all the shit he went through growing up in 1940s um he needed to do that but like i don't know i just feel like if i started talking shit and thinking i was the shit that then you get complacent you feel you're yeah i don't need to work you see my last shit joke there's plenty more where that came from and then you just like dry up oh're yeah i don't need to work you see my last shit joke there's plenty more where that came from and then you just like dry up oh yeah i definitely don't when it comes to stand-up i always i'm too self-deprecating in that like and that night i think i really truly

enjoy what other people do so much like i really enjoy watching other people think like uh like did you see chapelle's um new special no i have to see that i usually don't watch specials but that one feels like it's required uh viewing yeah it's i mean leanne has been someone that whenever i put on anyone special she's always like i don't like i don't get it like i don't what what is this i'm not this? She never really gets specials. And I put on Chappelle. We were driving in the morning that it came out. I watched it in bed the night it came out.

That morning I watched it. And then me and her had to drive over to do something and then come back to the house. And I was just playing it through the audio. And I mean, just his beginning five minutes, she was like, wow, this is going to be powerful. It really is. It really was. I mean, I don't like that he shit on driving movie theaters, but whatever.

He's like, can you believe there's that guys out there doing standup and driving movie theaters? People are honking at your jokes. Nah, not for me. And I was like, I'm the guy next week. I'll see you next week. jokes? Nah, not for me. And I was like, I'm the guy next week. I'll see you next week. Yeah. Well, listen, dude, believe me, if I, if I wasn't dealing with, uh, you know, having a newborn at home, I, I would, I got to jump on stage somewhere. I'm going nuts. We haven't talked about that. How's, uh, how's the transition been to two from one to two?

It's well, you know, the first few months, all they do is really sleep. So it's just beginning. It's wild. Like, you know, just in the last couple of days, like now he's looking around, he hears a noise, and he turns towards it. And it's crazy, dude. Like the love I already have for him it's so bananas it's like I have we never talk we never hang I don't know if we even vibe and I'm just looking at him I watch

him yawn I'm just like oh my god I'm talking like dude I'm gonna teach you how to fly a helicopter I'm gonna teach you how to drive we're gonna play fucking hockey like I'm just like you know but whatever you want to do I'm not gonna force it you, but these are some of the cool things I know how to do. My dad taught me how to drive when I was 12. I'll teach you when you're 11. I'm just talking to him. Did you have, when we had Isla, we had Georgia. I think ours were about the same age.

Ours were two years apart, a little over two years apart. No, no, just about two years apart. We had Georgia. I think ours were about the same age. Ours were two years apart, a little over two years apart. No, no, just about two years apart. And we had Isla, and we were in the hospital, and I was in the cot, and Isla was in the room with us. And the first time I heard her cry in the middle of the night, my first thought was, why the fuck did I do this again? Shit. Like, I'm going to be getting up again for another two years.

We had just gotten through that with Georgia no I had the same feelings the last uh three months of my wife's pregnancy when she's sitting there going oh god I'm just I'm over this I'm like I know honey you're almost there and in my head I'm like thinking all these selfish thoughts I'm so glad that little baby is in there and can't go anywhere and doesn't need anything. It's totally safe in there. And you are 100% dealing with this because I'm already like, you know, when they get into that third trimester, the level of shit that you're doing at that point, you know, especially during a fucking pandemic, I was wearing a lot of hats too.

a fucking pandemic i was wearing a lot of hats dude okay i was a dishwasher the bus boy the cook taking out the trash uh i mean you name it i was she couldn't move i had it i was doing everything in that babysitting doing everything with my daughter doing fucking all of that shit and then running up and down the stairs for her and i was was already fucking wiped out. And I'm like, oh my God, this kid's going to come. And then it's going to be back to just that. Like, I just remembered, I remembered what it felt like to sleep like 90 minutes at a time. Every time I'd hear my daughter cry the first time and my wife would give me that nudge and you had to get up.

It was almost like, you almost see like in a dream state. And I would, you know, I'd change a diaper. I'd talk to her and I'd bring it in, hand it to, hand her to my wife. She'd breastfeed her and I would just go to sleep. And then another 90 minutes, like that interrupted sleep. And I would wake up feeling like hungover. So I was definitely worried about that but um the thing that happens is when the kid comes like I have such a uh

I don't know I I have such like my childhood and shit that happened to me that I liked and didn't like is very vivid to me so I I'm remembering the stuff that I like that I'm keeping in the stuff that I didn't like I want to try to get rid of and uh so yeah there's there's there's all of that like it's just like I I am I there's a few times I've been out to shows on shows and I've seen a dad and a son or a mom and a daughter or vice versa, whatever. And they hang out. Yeah. And it always stuck with me. Like, wow, man, you crushed it as a parent where if your kid's like in his twenties and like, well, I hate that. Let's go get a beer. Like to me, that's the, the, the championship ring that the confetti's coming down. And, um, I'm'm i'm obviously looking forward to the whole ride but at the end of

the ride you know it would kill me if my kids didn't want to go get a beer with me you know i know i'm their dad so i'll be a little bit corny but like if like they get tickets to like a game or something and one of their thoughts is maybe i'll take dad, that would be the shit. Yeah. That would be the shit. That would. Yeah. I'm going through a rough patch of my oldest right now who just has all the answers.

And I am turning into the boyfriend that all my girlfriends broke up with. Like I'm turning into that guy where I'm like needy and like, and Leanne sees it and she's like you're gonna get dumped she's she's no one likes this bird yeah no there is that thing where you kind of got to uh I'm going to throw a thing right now with my daughter where she's she's getting really bossy it's like you play with her and it's like not fun because she's like no you need to do this and then I say this and I got to be like sweetheart this isn't playing it's like you play with her and it's like not fun because she's like, no, you need to do this. And then I say this and I got to be like, sweetheart, this isn't playing. It's just you dictating.

Like you have to understand that when you go to school soon, that when somebody plays with you, it's the collaboration of your imaginations. I mean, I don't say it that way. Obviously, it's not going to know collaboration. But like so, you know, it's funny because i remember there was that whole feminist thing about the word bossy and that's not going to make her a leader and it's just like you can't with a kid male or female just take your hands off the wheel at three years old because you're going to raise a fucking uncaring lunatic that you're then going to unleash out on the world. And so, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm saying you're being bossy. Sometimes, sometimes.

So my sister's not going to like me sharing this, but it was just fucking comedic. When she has a son, she's pregnant too. She's pregnant and going to give birth soon as well. And she has a son who's probably your daughter's pregnant and gonna give birth soon as well and she has a son who's probably your daughter's age i'm guessing and uh there was a period where when when he got upset they'd sing happy birthday to him and light a candle and then it would calm him down and it was something that they didn't see as a problem and then leanne my wife and i

my wife and my daughters and I, who my daughters, Leanne raised George and Isla like a little bit strict. You know, if you had a meltdown, we're going to fucking deal like this. You're going to your room. We're going to figure this out. There was no appeasing them too much. And so we went on vacation one time, and he started melting down my nephew. And real panicky, my sister and her husband started

singing happy birthday to him and me and leon and george and i were like oh you can do that and so they don't but aren't you raising then somebody who thinks every day is his birthday and it deserves a cake with a candle i mean you get a fucking lunatic oh this kid is perfect now like we just spent a weekend with him. Like, when we were in Malibu, they came with us. And the kid's great now. But, man, that was a touch-and-go time when he was a baby. Because if you don't –

It's a hostage situation. It's literally a hostage situation. And you have to say the right thing through the megaphone or you're going to lose control of your house. Oh. the right thing through the megaphone or you're gonna lose control of your house oh me it made us my me and leanne this is the when it happened it's probably well over a year maybe two years a year ago me and leanne got in bed in our room and the girls were in another room and the girls came into our room and like right before bedtime and they're like hey uh is that singing happy birthday to him healthy and we're like no not at all and they're like okay just just trying to feel it out but yeah it made us laugh so hard and and then it became just my sister's so like matter of fact she's like yeah

i know this isn't great but this is the only thing that gets them to stop crying so everybody happy birthday let's do it let's do it and here's the thing in that moment you have to you got you got to ride with her because she's she's dealing with it and it's just like if it fucking works this you know it's some little stupid fuzzy thing sometimes you kind of got to go along with it i will tell you what the thing that I loved about how my parents raised me is that they did not coddle at all which I think is a was there was a rebellion against that and I'm seeing the fallout of both I mean I'm yeah I'm a little yeah okay I'm walled off I got my issues but I can handle shit when shit oh my wife would die laughing except if i'm putting together a fucking dude i had to put together this little child swing yeah my eyes are gone

and the fucking that you know the instructions on things now they're borderline they're flipping it's rude it's just like it's a little fucking picture this big and then they do a little explosion thing and i'm like am i really supposed to fucking figure that out? And so I'm fucking saying the thing's a piece of shit. And my wife knows the explosion's coming. And then I finally put the fucking thing together. You know those things where you got to push in that little metal nipple, get it in there, and then it pops out?

And if you put it in wrong, then you got to be MacGyver to figure out how to take this. Dude, I put this thing together and took it apart like five times and then finally when i get the thing together i lift it up and one of the things comes out i'm like what the fuck and it was missing a nipple so it was never going to be now i'm looking for duct tape i'm like this thing's a fucking piece of shit so we got into a fight yesterday and i didn't realize that my wife had figured the thing out and she goes yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? She goes, you're dumb. Because you can't even put together that child swing.

I go, what's missing a nipple? She goes, you put it in backwards. You fucking idiot. And I was just sitting there like, eyebrows still up from yelling. I'm like, all right, you got me on that one. So, dude, I was having like a meltdown. I am like, I was literally looking at the thing,

just like looking at the instructions. I was saying to my wife, how are these acceptable? Like holding up, how is this acceptable? Is there any better business bureau? Is there a number? Is there someone you can get on the phone? It's just, here's the thing.

You figure it out. Go fuck yourself. And my wife sat down and just totally figured it out. They put it together. Oh, dude, I got three victories on Leanne. That's it. I got three victories. One is the other day, when I'm talking to to her sometimes she'll just be texting and i'll

stop talking and then she'll go what i'm listening and i go yeah but i think i think it's because and i always defend it i go i think it's because i'm a stand-up and i know if someone's texting in the middle of a show they're not listening and it just kind of aggravates me it's like it's like a little trigger so don't text and then she'll make like a big deal okay what do you want to tell me and you're like well no now I don't want to tell you anything so the other day she goes she's telling me a story and I'm on my phone and I'm just scrolling through Instagram and she goes hey can you put your phone down and I go oh no no I'm listening go ahead and I kept scrolling she goes I feel like you're not listening

I go oh I know because I'm looking at my phone I go oh hold on and I put it down I go now I'm listening. Go ahead. And I kept scrolling. She goes, I feel like you're not listening. I go, oh, I know. Because I'm looking at my phone. I go, oh, hold on. And I put it down. I go, now I'm ready. Go ahead. And she goes, well, now I don't want to tell you the story. I go, that's how I fucking feel.

That's how I fucking feel. And she's like, wow, dude, you did a two-point reversal. And she saw it, and she couldn't defend it. And she just sat there and was like, you don't have to throw it in my face. And I was like, that's one victory. That's one victory. That's when you know you won. When they say you don't have to throw it in my face and i was like that's one victory that's one that's when you know you won when they say you don't have to throw it in my face that means you got him i go i tell i the other day i was smiling in the kitchen she goes what are you smiling about and i go i got three victories on you and she's like you're still thinking about that i was like fuck yes

i like see i like talking shit like that yeah i love it i met my wife one time was she was going through a pregnancy and then she was panicking because of the pan the the um the whole corona thing and all of that and what's the hospital's gonna be like and it was like it was really scary when people buying like nine years worth of chicken not realizing they're freezing couldn't hold it. And they threw out all those dead birds later. She was having like difficulty, like she was going to sleep and then waking up, you know, having problems breathing.

She's got a little panicky thing. Yeah. So like, yeah, I just was going, all right. I just, I started calling her breathy. Wait, what was the hospital like? How are you doing? Dude, it was great. Yeah?

I mean, that's their business. Yeah. They had all the Corona coffees coming in one way, and then they had all the moms coming in the other way. So we didn't even see each other. It was separate but equal entrances, Bert, during these difficult times, and it worked. No, they had the whole thing down.

But what there was was it was definitely Bronx tale. Once you got in, you couldn't leave. It's like now you can't leave. So the last time when my daughter was born, you know, I could go out to In-N-Out grab a burrito and come back I could not leave if I wanted to leave then I couldn't come back till my wife was gonna leave so and then there was also a thing around the hospital um a little bit oh by the way dude your lifetime, how much fucking money have you just lost in a vending machine?

I mean, that fucking change return thing has never worked. Oh, never. This fucking thing, dude, I came downstairs, okay, and I had been eating hospital food, which was good for hospital food, but it was really high in salt. So I'm like dried out. So I came down and I was, you know, and I want sugar. So I went down there, I was going to get myself a root beer, which of course they don't have. You know, just like a redhead, the unrecognized minority of the soda family, the root beer. I wanted M&Ms and I wanted something else. And they were $1.25 each.

and I wanted something else. And they were $1.25 each and I put three $1 bills in, right? That old school, when it goes in, they spits it back out. I did that for fucking five minutes. Then I finally get it in and I'm pushing the button.

It's saying wrong amount, wrong amount, wrong amount. And then I realized it's exact change. I had to put a dollar and then a 25 cent thing in. It wouldn't accept my credit card. It wouldn't read it. And I had $3 in there. I'm like, great, now I'm going to get $3 and quarters back. I got nothing back. I think that that $3 probably pushed me over a lifetime. I bet I'm at least $800 in. One quarter here, 50 cents there. Oh, I got my arm stuck in a vending machine at sleepaway camp one time. Of course you did.

You were trying to impress the other kids. You couldn't just be Bert. You had to go in there and steal a Zagnut bar. I wasn't stealing it. It didn't fall down. And then I was like, I bet I can get my arm up there. And I get my shoulder. I get my whole arm in the flap thing, right?

And then I go up and over. And I get up. And as I get up, Bill, I'm like still a solid 12 inches away from the thing I'm going. And then they're like, harder. And I'm pushing. And they go, I'm not going to get it, guys. And then all of a sudden, panic sets in. I'm like, can someone go get a counselor?

I think I'm stuck. And I start doing that. You reached other shit? You should have started grabbing other shit. The amount of panic, when panic sets in, you just shut down. You're like, no, I can't get out of here. I need help, guys. Someone go, go, go.

Call my parents. Oh, man. Dude, I. I actually remember one time when, you know, the little, the scrolly things. I ordered it like, I ordered, I got like a Hershey bar or something. So I was working in the warehouse. And like, it did like that, you know, it does, it's like, it's coming. It's like, and it just stays there.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And there was this dude, Joee hall rest his soul was like built like a fucking refrigerator just one of these guys just you know could have played nfl football with a leather helmet one of these guys and i'm like you fucking piece of shit and he was like what's the matter i go oh that thing's stuck dude he came up there like a bully and just went bam bam bam this fucking vending machine was like this and it just fucking dropped out and he goes there you go and walked away i remember like the two hottest chicks from the company i was working at too were watching the like the whole fucking thing and i was sitting

like i can't get my candy bar totally emasculated and this big fucking strapping guy comes in and fucking beats up the bully for me and then just goes there you go and walked away and then i had to like sheepishly reach in from my hershey bar just walk away thanks when we were seniors when we were seniors we went to florida university of florida for a party and it was at the sae house and i remember jaybo beer said uh what do you want to drink they had a big vending machine and i said said, ooh, Sunkist. And he goes, Sunkist? So he puts it in, hits it, and a Budweiser came out.

And I was like, yeah, our vending machine's filled with beer. Help yourself. And I was a senior in high school. I was like, oh, one day I'll have a vending machine filled with beer. Just fucking gunk, gunk. And never happened again. Never saw it. Never did it again.

What vending machine had beer in it? That's incredible know it was in their fraternity house it was oh i see i i commuted so i don't know any of the names of the frats oh yeah you were in a fraternity right oh yeah oh yeah then they put a bunch of produce in your ass and then afterwards a week they're like hey we're just fucking with you now we're all friends i got punched in the fucking face i got yeah it was hazing with us was really aggressive um but i i don't i don't remember being traumatized by it but i remember it just being really aggressive i like how the way you're talking about it it seems like you have vague memory memory of it I block a lot of it out but I remember one time

I remember I got in a lot of trouble one time and they made us they filled our mouths with the insides of pumpkins because we were doing a pumpkin social filled our mouths with pumpkin guts and our hands and we had to sit against the wall so I remember

I could have handled that it's when they they start doing like homoerotic shit with like the shit that i always heard like that was one of my first jokes what's that like people like one of my first jokes on stage it's just like hey do you want to uh you know people ask me i commute i'm a fucking loser people always well you're a uh you're a college student you're a member of a frat? I always go, no. And they go, why? I go, well,

because I kind of have this thing about letting strangers shove fruit in my ass. It's this whole bit about like, I never understood after Hell Week, like what, now we're going to hang out?

Now we're fucking friends? I want to murder you. Did you ever see that article? I think Rolling Stone or somebody, oh, Rolling Stone's like ridiculously liberal, so you can always

take away like a grain of salt. um they did a thing people were talking about it one of those ivy league schools like dartmouth or something there was this one fraternity and they had this classic thing it was called the vomlet and it was a bunch of you know like you stir up some eggs like you're gonna scramble them And then these people would fucking puke in it and then they cook it. I'm going to start gagging. Then you had to eat it. Gross. We, uh, the, the one thing we, me and me and my buddy one time, right before we were just became brothers.

And so we're getting ready to initiate these guys. So we're out in the woods with them. And one guy, my buddy's like, we're hammered. We're like, come on, let's take them out. And so when you were, you know, when it was hell week for you, you had to have a pack of condoms, a roll of quarters, a jar of Vaseline, like you have a certain things on you at all times. Right. So, uh, so we take him out into the woods.

We're just fucking around. And we're like, uh, you know, we're like, he's like blindfolded. And we're like, you know, he's like blindfolded. And we're like, all right, take your pants off. And he's like, drops his pants. And we're like, oh, OK. We're like, bend over. And he's like, bends over. Where do you find fucking kids that would do that?

I would be like, no. My buddy and I are like, oh, put your pants on, man. Like, have some self-respect. What the fuck, dude? We're just going to let him fuck you in the ass? Like, we thought you'd say no. We thought this would be a game to it there'd be a little more action he's like this real quick pull your pants off your brother he did he went mcgruber i remember we walking bad out of the woods he has his mask is uh his bandana off his eyes, and he was like, so wait,

you guys weren't going to do anything? I was like, no. No one does anything like that. We just thought it would be fun. You'd be like, no, and we'd fuck with your head. Like, God, man, you wouldn't let us fuck you. Yeah, he just, yeah, he mind-fucked you. He agreed. Oh, so quick. By the way, MacGruber still, to this day,

is just such an underrated comedy. MacGruber is so fucking funny. I heard somebody was at that table read. It was like, dude, you wait till this movie comes out. Said it was like nothing he had ever seen. I think it was Neil Brennan was at the table read. Really? MacGruber was like this thing.

He goes, I have never seen a table read. It just fucking slayed. And then I remember, I was like, oh, man, have never seen a table read it just fucking slayed and then i remember i was like oh man i can't wait to see that but it came and went so fast because it just wasn't marketed right and i remember versi saw it and said it goes dude i was literally punching my brother watching this movie i was laughing so hard so the second it came out wherever it came out back in the day, because this movie is like 10 years old, right? Probably, yeah.

Yeah, I fucking, I immediately watched it. I was just like, how did I miss this? It kind of, that was like the beginning of like, there's too much shit out there that something as great as that can actually go get past people, which I have to admit, like this weekend, I was real nervous with Pete's movie coming out. I'm just like, there's just so much stuff to watch. There's all

this social unrest and stuff. Is anybody going to take the time? Fortunately, people needed it, but you know, I don't know. Do you guys get numbers on how it performed? Like, I know it's not like movie theater. I mean, I don't. I mean, I'm just a hired gun on the thing. So I don't get anything. So I don't know. So I still think it's like the old days where on Monday you find out how it did.

I remember hearing this great story about this guy who'd done a bunch of movies and was saying what it was like. Once you were an established director and people knew you made movies and knew you had a movie out, what it was like to go out to dinner that week if it was a hit versus if it

wasn't a hit. If it was a hit, everyone was looking at you and you were coming in like it was fucking Goodfellas. If it wasn't a hit really and if it was a hit you just everyone was looking at you and you were coming in like it was fucking good fellas and if it and if it wasn't he said you would walk in and you literally felt and he said the number whatever his last thing did he said you walk and you feel like everybody was looking at you like 850 grand domestic which back in the day was a flop depending on what like what what an independent i guess it wouldn't be but like um i remember like back in the day for like something to be a hit movie um like you remember when sandler movies would come out and they would do 30 million

yeah back when like your option was you know very you know like hit movies to come remember sandler movies would are coming to 30 million and uh jim carrey movies would come out and would do like 30 million in a week like 20 million was like unbelievable and then they would do like 30 million um that's what amazing too now that i just said that how they still go like uh you know you're a comedian you can actually act and blah blah and i want to be like we comedians have been like doing box office for my whole career i mean i think i was like a year in and ace ventura came out yeah it's it's interesting how they're going to quantify a success in the way that media is being released now because it's such a long tail that like we

saw the gentleman have you seen that yet no it's a guy richie movie fucking awesome amazing but i think i love guy richie i gotta see that dude it is bill it is a great movie it is me i watch it with the girls and we loved it and uh but like i don't think there's an urgency to see things on demand these days the way there was. Like, it's weird. Things have changed so much that I wonder how they quantify success. I wonder if there's a way that they're going to make movies for less and find a way to shortcut it so that they can make their money back easier. I wonder if the days of the big blockbuster with what was the thing the thing that it had what they had going for them back in the day as far as less competition they also had this thing of like i need to go see this because if i miss it i miss

it like when i was a kid if you didn't see a movie you just missed it yeah maybe in the next 10 years they showed an edited version on television. And that was only if it was a classic. Then it became, I need to see this because it's, or I'm gonna have to wait eight months to a year before it gets to blockbuster. And then it became somewhere along the line, it became like, you know, you were waiting a couple of weeks. And so now I think, and then, then when it gets on a certain streamer streaming system, it's just out there. So I remember a buddy of mine when I was doing Breaking Bad, I was, you know, cause I was as big a fan as anybody of the show.

That's how I ended up getting on it. Cause I was bugging my agent. I could like right after the three episodes in, I was like, anything I'll fucking carry meth in the background just get me on the fucking show if you can't um I remember my buddy saying to me like uh I go dude you gotta watch the show man each week every time he puts out one fire the fire gets bigger the way they're telling this tale is amazing and my buddy was just like yeah dude I'm just gonna wait till it's over and then i'll just binge it in a weekend i just remember thinking like all right i guess yeah i guess you could do that and i always looked at that like you know certain shows you can do that with yeah but like but like i mean i don't know some things if like people really

take time and they're telling the story at the level of something like that, that to me is like, you know, I don't know. You get some Pappy Van Winkle and you use it as a chaser. You drink it and then you wash it down with a Coors Light or something. It's just like, what the fuck are you doing? Or shotgunning a bottle of- Bingo Bongo. Bingo Bongo.

Yeah, Bingo Bongo. Joeingo Bongo. Yeah, Bingo Bongo. Joe DeRosa's buddy. By the way, we've got to get Joe on this thing so we can fucking talk about... Give that guy an actual name. Yeah, we do. Bingo Bongo guy. Yeah, I'd love to get... Joe's...

I think Joe's great. I think Joe's fucking great. He's just... Yeah joe's fucking great he's just yeah he's like he's another guy that like you know when people figure out how funny he is he's gonna blow up like you know i don't know it's just not everybody that people just see him and they get like i finally got this thing i finally got something where it looks like this is going to be something for me. I just turned 52. Yeah. I heard when I was listening to you and Rogan, I was like, you guys were saying we're both turning 52.

And I was like, nice, nice, nice. I'm five years behind them. So almost six years behind. That's great. I got some time. I got some time to make my $290 million deal, whatever the fuck he signed. Oh, yeah. You're already there.

You already made it. I don't know. Like, if you're going to consider, like, not making it unless you do what Rogan does. I mean, Rogan is like, dude, that guy's on the Mount Rushmore of stand-up comics of his generation, broadcasters. I want to do a movie. Broadcasters. He's on, like, three different Mount Rushmores. I want to do a movie. Broadcasters. He's on like three different Mount Rushmore.

I want to do, I looked at it this week. It was, that was a really great podcast of you and jokes. I was on the treadmill. I was running. And then towards the end, I just started walking. And I started going like, okay, like, because as soon as you did that, I was like, oh, Bill's movies out. So I texted our friends who have a screening room.

I said, you know, let's, you know, because it's 20 bucks. Let's all get together and we'll all watch it tonight. And they was like, Oh, Bill's movies out. So I texted our friends who have a screening room. I said, you know, let's let you know, because it's 20 bucks, let's all get together and we'll all watch it tonight. And they're like, great. So we, and then I was like, all right, what do I want to do? Like, what do I want to do? And I was like, man, I really want to do a movie. I really want to do a sitcom, like a multi-camera sitcom. Like, Oh, I got to do a movie. I got to do a fucking movie. Like I got to make,

be a part of making a movie. And it's cool though when you I wonder if other people get this like uh like Andrew Schultz has a great new segment that he does on Instagram where he does like a rant on something like uh it's like a two-minute rant it's really great there's another self-made guy by the way for all you young comics look at that guy go ahead sorry but it's i watch that and i get this like almost like a like a like a hunger going i gotta create something i gotta make something i wanna i gotta i can't just be stagnant i gotta do something and i'm listening to you and burt you and rogan talk and i'm like god damn it man like i gotta do something i gotta like i and i think it's also because i've been fucking in quarantine for 90 days. And I haven't been. Yeah, dude, I would use some words to describe you,

but stagnant would not be. You're kind of prolific. You always have something. You got this fucking drive-in movie thing coming up. Hey, flip-flops. We just sold out of our flip-flops, my signature flip-flops. Look at that. Yeah, look, that's your idea of being stagnant. I know. I was looking at this book of flip-flops, my signature flip-flops. Look at that. Yeah. That's your idea of being stagnant.

I know. I was looking at this book of flip-flops. That's one of the things I want to talk to you. We got to get going soon. You got a newborn. Yeah, I do. I can feel the tension. But I'm not in there. I was looking at this book of shoes and I was like, God, man, Kevin Hart's got his own shoe. I need my own shoe. And then I then I was like oh I got a flip-flop oh never mind I'm good what shoe would you what shoe would you like do you miss where you go god like I was looking at the Nike cross trainers do you remember those Bo Jackson ones I go back 10 years before you so I would say um there was a there was a Dr. J or Daryl dawkins converse all-star that wasn't the dr j which was the clean one it was the one that had um it was still looked like the dr j high top but up here around the ankle had this red spongy thing um that like they never they never reissued it it was like five

years before the converse weapons when they did the bird and magic. Dude, I was looking for those shoes the other day because I was watching the Jordan documentary. And you see bird wearing the black ones. Yeah. And I was like, I got to get a pair of those. You can't find them. Yeah, they occasionally like re-release them. It's like the, you know, the McGriddle or the McRib, whatever fucking McDonald's does.

They'll occasionally do it. But the problem is that those sneaker heads are like the fucking people waiting for the new iPhone it just takes all the fun out of it like I just hate that whole fucking thing that if I want something there's only a limited amount on purpose and they're trying to create this frenzy to you know hype the next product and I just whenever I see that whenever I just see a bunch of fucking people buzzing around a hive I just got I'll take I'll go somewhere else I don I don't need, I don't need to deal with this. I already know what my next, my next thing is that I want to do. The movie?

No, just the next dumb thing that I don't need that I want to buy. I already know what that is. What is it? Ah, there's an old car that I'm going to buy. I don't know. I was going like, I can't keep it. And when Rogan goes, keep it in my place. And I'm like, now they got the wheels turning. I was like, was Joe just saying that?

No. Joe mean that? Joe means it. I almost bought a motorcycle. I texted Joe. I was like, hey, man, if I buy a motorcycle, can I keep it at your place? And he was like, why? And I was like, and I couldn't tell him because my wife will fucking

kill me if she knows i bought a motorcycle but i can go over here drag him in there because then if you kill yourself then joe has to go to the funeral with shades on and then she'll see him over the casket yeah it was because of you and your garage well listen let's wrap this up get you back to the kids okay how does how's your daughter dealing with having a brother oh dude she has been such a sweetheart um the first night though when you know i was reading the story i always read her a story before she goes to bed and i sing the i love you barney the dinosaur song to her and when i was going to put her to bed, she was, she looks at me, she goes, he's too loud. Like really serious.

Look at me going, he's too loud. We should talk about this now. Yeah. Like, like he needs to tone it down or he needs to get out was, was her vibe. But,

um, no, we just made her like really like anytime he cries, she runs in and wants to do the pacifier thing. Just make sure she feels like involved. And then I also, um, make sure make sure that I play with her a lot so she doesn't feel, you know. I mean, it's a big thing. All of a sudden, there's just this other person. But she loves that his room is across from hers and all of that.

And I think they're going to be great friends. And they, you know, they looked almost identical when they were. My wife sent me a picture of my daughter and then my son. She goes, who is who? I could tell, obviously, they're my kids, but how similar they look. So it's really cool that they – because people in my family, we sort of have the same features, but we look really different. So I think it's cool that they're going to look alike.

Yeah. How soon until your parents can come out? I don't know. I tell you, you know, I've really been missing, um, the East coast and really been missing Massachusetts and was actually thinking, you know, in, you know, my quarantine haze out here thinking of just fucking selling my house and moving back there. But it's just like, the reality is, is this business that I'm in is here.

And then also I would miss all you guys. Like, like my, my lifelong friends that I don't even realize. Cause you know, he's so busy like working that like, you know, how long I've known you,

how long I've known Bobby and to Rosa. You know, I've known Rogan. I mean, I just known all you guys. I would be like moving. It'd be like, you guys I've known Rogan I mean I've just known all you guys I would be like moving it'd be like you guys died you know what I mean yeah so like that is one of the great things about podcasting is I feel like it keeps us like connected in that type of shit but you know I was watching this show uh something about Boston what was it? Something Boston was these guys flipping houses out there.

And it just really made me like appreciate where I grew up and, you know, not being in all like the show busy shit out here. But I think my, I think that's still going to have a pretty normal upbringing. You know, I was looking at houses in Key West the other week i was like that's it i'm gonna move to key west i'm gonna move to key west we'll move to key west i'm gonna do i'm gonna open a bar stand-up club i'll just stand up every night i'll be like we'll do jazz one night i'll play the guitar you'll be the jimmy buffett of fucking stand-up comedy i'm a lifestyle brand bill my daughter goes he's a lifestyle brand there's a lot of money in that. Dude, I would-

You're such a dope. I thought Jimmy Buffett and Warren Buffett were the same person. I thought he wrote that song and then got really good at business and transitioned. All right, I got to get back or she's going to kill me here. Awesome, brother. All right, brother. Have a great time with the newborn. Have fun.

I'll talk to you next week. All right, and thank you for all the nice things you said about me. You know how that feels when something comes out in another comic that you respect likes it thank you and thank you to to you too andrew and anybody out there that watched it all right thank you everybody thank you so much for uh watching and uh then once again this has been another fun episode of the bill burt pod cast see you next time congrats bill thank you buddy take care andrew podcast. See you next time. Congrats, Bill. Thank you, buddy. Take care, guys.

See you, Andrew.