The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 22 w. Paul Virzi

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle with Paul Vrizi about English actors, dream food orders, and men crying.

All right. Hey, what's... Get on me. Get on me. There we go. Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to another wonderful episode of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Ass. I'm drinking beers, Bill. I'm drinking fucking beers. Is that the Robin Williams-flavored Bud Light? What's with the Hawaiian shirt on it? This is the beer I talked about last week on the road that I absolutely love. Common Space. I've never been into IPAs. I started

drinking IPAs because we were on the road and I was worried about coronavirus and I wanted to make sure I have my sense of taste. There you go. That's a smart move. Well, before we get into you and your sense of taste, we have to welcome our guest here, our new guy on the block. I'm kidding. This is one of my buddies from way back in the day, from the Paul Verzi, the Verzi Effect podcast. Please welcome the one and only, the pride of New Jersey,

Paul Verzi. By the way, do you know how many people always say that to me? Hey man, Jersey, right? Where you from? I said, I, Paul, i said it today i said we're doing a podcast she goes with who and i said jersey's own paul verzi i that's when i met you paul you we were at we were in west nyack yes let's fly and me you and i met lewis j gomez that

weekend yep and you said and roland roland and sam came yep's why I love that I've been able to change the narrative of where he's from. So I can't get mad at all our listeners last week when I had like my head in my hands, listening to that Bitcoin guy, and they were trying to say I was bored. Well, all you listeners, what I was really thinking was, I just prayed to this Ponzi scheme God through the best years of my life, earning years. Now, I mean, I'm 52 years old. I mean, it's over for me, right? And I was actually thinking, do I have enough time in my life if it all goes away to build it back up again? I think that way. I know you're not going to like this reference, but I think about Dane Cook

when he lost everything from his brother. I think about that all the time. I was thinking about it pumping gas today. I thought, could I start from scratch and get to the next and get back to here? Like, could I if everything was gone? John Travolta did it. Dane did it. What's fucking scary is you guys are a generation ahead of me talking about it could be over. And I'm fucking trying to build up. Like, where does that put me you guys are scared you're in a great place you're in a great place because you're not gonna you know usually you're falling off a curb you'll just yourself off you got another 40 years to do this i got like 20 25. who's gonna want to see me at 75

going what the up with this? You got to start virtue signaling more, Paul. I've been looking at your feed and you're not tweeting enough about oppressed people. Really lean into it. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the new thing now. That's what everybody's saying.

I actually saw one tweet that said, hey, white comics, we're watching you and we know you're not tweeting. We know you're not tweeting we know you're not part of the fight we know the person you really are I'm going like I got fucking kids to raise you think I fuck you yeah oh you have to become like these new white people you have to pretend you care about something other than yourself dude I somehow make it about yourself.

Yeah, I apologized yesterday on Twitter. I said, when I was 8 years old, I wore my mom's heels and dress to be funny. I just want to get it out there now. I'm really sorry for anybody that I offended. Wait, do you ever sit and lay in bed and think of all the problematic things you can remember you did, and then the ones you go,

oh, fuck, I forgot about that one? Not one not only that burt i actually thought to myself was i too mean to that girl at that party in seventh grade i actually thought that she would see like a clip of my special and go he's a piece of shit he didn't say bye to me that's how scared i am of everything going on right now yeah there's there's uh there's floaters out there i was thinking the other day i was laying in bed and i was like why why wouldn't some just girl who just has had it up to here with life and go wait i think i was at florida state with burt at the same time why don't i just say why don't i just say he was a like dude just go through the list of things and then how would i defend that i couldn't defend it you're not allowed to. Even if you have the entire email, text, whatever the fuck it was back then.

She wrote it on one of those mead pads. Even if you go, I'm showing the whole thing. People are like, fuck you. She said, I just love that believe women. Like women believe women if they're talking about men. But women amongst each other don't trust each other as far as they can throw each other. So I don't know. I understand on a certain level where the judicial system was not working for them, but I think that they're not really aware that now that

they have power, that they can also abuse it. And if you're just going to go with borderline circumstantial evidence to end careers you're going to take that there's going to be some people that were innocent that you're going to take out and if you're okay with that then what are we really changing to because i just feel like they're unscrewing the dick and balls and then screwing in the vagina light bulb and but the brain's remaining the same and you're just going to continue with now now we're going to be over here where it's totally unfair. I don't know. No, you said it.

I hope I'm not taking material you haven't used on a special. But you said one time, I might have seen you on stage say it, you go, it's not just that they want equality, they want what we have. No, that was what you said. I think that's what you said. think you said that i gotta be honest with you i don't even know dude i've had so many fucking kids in the last couple years you just put your feet up i almost had a heart attack like oh fuck burt's water broke here we go again that's

what you said yeah that's no you said that dude they tried to get they tried to get jessica kearson did you see this they're trying to cancel jessica kearson because she did a character she did a character that was like a black woman's voice and it was years ago and she posted it and they went after her and she's like i know the person i am like fuck you i you. Good. I wish I saw that. I would have defended her. What is wrong with these fucking idiots? Everybody's defending her, but then you could go back to, you know, in living color.

Get rid of all those things they did. Go back to SNL. Get rid of all those things they did. It's like, when is a fucking joke a joke, and people can just leave it at that? Okay, I will play devil's advocate on this, because I remember watching Key and Peele with someone and they're like,

this is the greatest comedy I've ever seen. And it was just them acting gay. And I remember, I'm not saying I was woke, but I go, what's the joke? They're just gay. I was like, people can be gay and not, it's not, gay guys aren't just fucking hilarious. And that, when we talked about going back to-

You obviously never watched sitcoms growing up. No, no, no, no, no. They were a hoot. It was funny then, but I can understand how it doesn't translate now. King K. Bullock was fucking hilarious. I can understand how shit doesn't translate. But here's my problem,

is if you're going to say you can't do a black voice in a character, which I can understand, then I also don't want British black dudes playing American black dudes. No, here's the thing. No British black dudes playing American black dudes. Well, now here's the thing, now here's the thing, too. What they're doing there is, they're gonna destroy acting. Acting is being somebody you are not.

I can't believe, I love when I hear, you know, I just did a, fuck, I'm gonna forget her name. She worked on Pete Davidson's movie. Pamela Adlon, I think, let me see. Yeah, she was in Grease, too, I'm going to forget her name. She worked on Pete Davidson's movie. Pamela Adlon, I think. Let me see. Yeah, she was in Grease, too, by the way, also. Yeah. Dude, I was watching her in the rehearsals,

and I thought that maybe she was from New York. And then when she finished, she was like, I was just like, what the fuck? I was just like, that is an actor. And I can't imagine like to me like anybody could do what I do even when I'm in Staten Island they still make me a Red Sox fan anybody can go out that's not acting that's just saying shit people wrote in a believable way what she's doing is actually acting and if they're going to take that off the table I mean there's a

fine line because there was back in the day where they would literally like I watched the Hawaii five episode, Hawaii five episode, the original. And they had the worst makeup ever trying to make this white dude's eyes look like Asian or whatever. And it's just like you couldn't even just get a Hawaiian guy to pretend he was Chinese or something. They couldn't do that. So I understand that aspect of it. pretend he was Chinese or something. They couldn't do that. So I understand that aspect of it. But now they're getting to the literally to the point of like a transitioning person should only play a transitioning person. So then it's like, okay, a transitional actor. So should that transitional actor only play people who are transitioning? And like that's going to be that the trans actor's

career is just playing. Yeah, that limits them. Yeah. Well, I do, like, it's a double-edged sword because you see that Halle Berry got lit up for thinking about taking a role about a transitioning actor. No, that's not what happened. She got in trouble because she referred to it as it, and she was referring to the story. She goes, then it becomes blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh, my God, cis people still referring to us as it. The way I read

it was that way. I figure if you're an African American female and you're still getting shit, there's no hope for us. But it sucks because then a story that would be greenlit with Halle Berry because she's a movie star

kind of gets... It's not going to get as much publicity and I think the issue is more important possibly like to get it out to people like to let open people's minds I think but what the fuck do I know I'm a fucking I'm I'm the enemy I'm the fucking worst thing out there listen here's a question because if you're just asking what this is the thing I have what what's fascinating to me right now is what Sports Illustrated is doing. Yeah.

Okay? Now, Sports Illustrated is a business. They have a magazine, which nobody's reading anymore. Okay? So they're trying to hang on to their readers. So this year they got on the cover, they have on the first,

I hope I say the word right, transgender model on the cover. So what they're doing now is they know all their, whatever portion of their pie that's homophobic, they just flash that. By the way, it's probably the guys who still get that magazine. So this is what I'm wondering. Is the transitioning community going to step up for the next 51 issues of the year,

or are they going to be selfish and just buy that issue and say, thanks, Sports Illustrated, and then leave, and then they just spiral down. You got to fill that void, I think. I don't know why they needed to tell us right away. They should have told us a month and then let us sit with that. Wait, I jerked off to her. Oh, my God.

That's what they should have done. That's what they should have done. That would have been great. She was fucking hot as shit. I don't give a fuck what you say. She's still hotter than my wife. Fucking, I heard about that Halle Berry role. Holy shit.

You don't realize what a mind fuck that would have been to every straight guy out there. You wouldn't be looking at a magazine rack for like, I don't know, like a year. Dude, I couldn't stop looking at her. I was like, gosh, she's got like legit fucking sexy underarms. Who's this? The Sports Illustrated one? The Sports Illustrated cover girl. Oh, I haven't seen it yet.

I remember like a year ago, I bought the last one, and they were just starting to go down that road, and they had like old women and fat chicks in there and I was just sitting there going like all right I I'm trying I'm getting this magazine to look at women that are out of my league this is supposed to be a fantasy why are you dragging me back into my reality? Is this the Applebee's issue? Yeah, dude, you had to be a 10 to be on Applebee's.

I'm going to tell you right now, if any magazine for women that was out there, if they ever said that they wanted to put me on the cover in a Speedo, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves. I would never do that to women. This is their magazine. What the fuck are you doing to them? I remember getting berated in fifth grade

when they had Gwen Cowan play Peter Pan. I was so fucking livid. I go, it's a boy. A boy should play it. And they go, no, that's not how it works. Anyone can play Peter Pan. And girls play it better than boys. A boy should play it. And they go, no, that's not how it works. Anyone can play Peter Pan. And girls play it better than boys. And I got fucking livid.

And they brought up Sandy Duncan. And I was like, fuck Sandy Duncan. She's got one eye. Fuck her. That telescope-looking bitch. Fuck. I was so angry. And I got berated and sent to the principal's office because I wasn't open-minded.

And now, thank God I was on the right side of history. I feel like that's what's happening now. And I'm all for it. You know, the black dude from Get Out has a British accent. Dude. Right. It was, that role historically was played by a woman, just to let, as far as I know.

And then secondly, they were fine in everything that they said until they say, and women play it better. That's when it's the overcorrection where it's like, well, wait a minute. Now you're doing, you know, it's like anybody can do the role, but blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I, it's, it's, it's a, yeah. Bert just said something hilarious. I was talking about this on stage and Bert's a comedian who people know. So I'm not talking about him, but the amount of people on Twitter and Bert's a comedian who people know so I'm not talking about him but the amount of people on Twitter and social media saying I want to be on the right side of history it's like nobody's writing about you in books you work at fucking Chipotle nobody I need to be on the right

side of history it's like you fucking are barely making your car payment it's fucking these people are so self-involved and narcissistic I I want to be, one guy was literally in the street with like no clothes on going, I just want to be on the right side of history. It's like, you're never going to be. I just like when like those stupid expressions come out of the fucking ether and then everybody, oh, I want to say that. I want to, I want to be on the right side of history. It's like, that's why I don't listen to sports talk radio.

Yeah. Once offsides became encroachment and everybody stopped saying offsides, they started going, for encroaching. I mean, then they take that encroachment penalty. It's like, am I out of my mind? We were all saying offsides five minutes ago. For somebody to say

they want to be on the right side of history and nobody knows them and they're just saying that is one of the most narcissistic things ever. But that's what it's become. And that's what Twitter's allowed people to do. While not being involved in the fight. It's just you on Twitter.

I want to make sure when my thumbs move. It's like back in the day you had to join a fucking revolution. You had to take a couple of fucking bullets to the shoulder. Something. What do they call it? I'm a woke signal. Signanor. I can't even say it.

Signanor. How do you say that word? Signaler? Signal-er. Signaler. Signaler. That just really took the momentum out of my argument. It's just, it's, I used to get bothered when I found out people had British accents and they played

American I used it used to bother me as a kid and I I've and I'm being serious I don't I have no idea because I was like why can't you just get American guy you know like someone I was I was just reading or I was listening to a podcast maybe and they were like did you know the guy that played Martin Luther King and Selma is British. And I was like, how weird? Like, you could, like, how, that's such a, like, it's so weird that you'd have someone flip their accent totally to play a historical figure. But it's acting, and it adds a degree of difficulty. That's what they should do.

You should hire the best person. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree. Are we getting feedback? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree. Are we getting feedback? Yeah, I'm getting feedback here. I was... Do we need to... I was like that too, though, Bert.

I hated that too. I was always like, just give it to an American guy who can crush it too. Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that with a fucking... You wouldn't hire me to play a British guy.

I'd go, Hello, lovely. Hey, how you doing? You'd be like... If you could do the fucking accent, you'd got me in chimney sweep. How is that supposed to be? Chitty, chitty, bang, bang?

Listen, you two fucking dopes. Are you really going to fucking, like, wave the American flag about acting? No, I'm just saying... I'm trying to... I'm trying to... Support my African-American cohorts and get them roles in our movies.

Listen, I might be an idiot, but you two guys are dopes. I don't give a... I want whoever does the part to crush it so I'm not sitting in the fucking movie theater going, I paid for this. I don't care who it is. Just hire the best person. Yeah, I agree.

No, you don't. You want an American to play for an american what the fuck are you just talking about yeah yeah i want americans to play americans but the best american to play the best role all right me too all right let's talk late let's pivot i think you're both idiots and you don't understand what acting is but go ahead by the way i i could only play oh why did you go over to europe and do stand up and make all that fucking money over there they got plenty of english comics and fucking people from Bangladesh or whatever the fuck it is over there. Budapest could have done the gig.

What about that? All right. I understand that. I'm just back your palms, Paul. If American. If you're prone as Paul. If that's your Deutschmarks, Paul. Hey, I didn't get paid enough.

All right. You guys are fucking full of shit. Wow, all right. Now I feel like I'm on the outside here. I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not agreeing with you guys right now. I can only play Bert Kreischer or a derivation of Bert Kreischer. I cannot.

I'm not a good actor, so I couldn't play, like, I couldn't come in and, like, be a different dude than me. I hope when they do your story, they hire one of those Bollywood actors and they put makeup on and he's in white face and he does it. You know what, A? Do you know what movie

doesn't hold up anymore? Soul Man. Have you seen that lately? No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I mean... Here's the thing about that. We all fucking saw it.

We all fucking... I'm really annoyed with going back in history with shit that but he got shit for that back then he actually did but shit that nobody had a problem with seven years ago and then everybody gets to do a do-over on their emotions i'm talking about white people what movie are you talking about what movie so man let me pitch give you the pitch okay young kid dad's got harvard lined up and paid for him. Then his dad decides, I think I want a vacation home.

I think I want to spend the money on myself. My therapist says, I need that money. So, kid, you're not going to go to Harvard. I'm not paying for it. I'm going to give you the best lesson you can get. You're going to pay for it on your own. So, this kid decides, well, what better way than to just dress up like a black guy and get a fucking – get a look. Oh, affirmative better way than to just dress up like a black guy and get a fucking

get a look. Oh, affirmative action. That was just. No, it was how he was going to pay for it was was just looking black. Well, how was he going to pay for it then? They I think in the premise of the movie, if I could be mistaken. I think you're already mistaken. No, no, no, no, no.

I just watched the trailer to the movie the other day and we were like, this is what they call tone deaf now. Yeah, the premise is that he gets a scholarship if he's black, so he takes these pills that changes the pigment of his skin. There you go. Whoa, are those real? They put radon chongs in it, too. I could be wrong.

Sammy Sosa did that the other way. Yeah, so did Lil' Kim. So did Michael Jackson. Oh, I thought Michael Jackson did, yeah, so did Lil' Kim. So did Michael Jackson. Oh, I thought Michael Jackson had like a disease. That's what he said, but...

Yeah, he had a lot of issues. Yeah, it was called pedophilia. Allegedly. Yeah, you gotta say allegedly. Allegedly, because, you know, they weren't able

to get him twice. Hey, did you guys watch this Red Table talk with Jada and Will Smith? I cannot fucking believe the way people give a shit about their personal life. That's none of my fucking business. And the way people are going after Will, I just think it's terrible. Leave him alone. It's not a painful thing that they went through. How about the fact that that's news and headlines during a pandemic, when we're fucking literally suffocating and there's everything going on?

That was, like, the main thing. Like, Jada Pickett admits affair after. It's like, gives a fuck. Seriously. She had an entanglement. That's why. I think that's why people got caught up to it, because she called it an entanglement. And Will was like, it was an affair. She goes, it was an entanglement.

It was an entanglement of the dick. That's what she got entangled with. Well, listen, you know how it goes with the ladies over there. They don't exactly, you know, you know, there's always, there's always like a, you know, how often in your life have you heard them say, you know what, that was 100% my fault? That's what I love about my wife. Like, she'll actually do that.

But there's usually a fucking caveat, some sort of like, they plead down. They go from murder one down to an entanglement is all I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was, I don't like i don't i i this is what bothered me is that like it seemed like it seemed that they they were destroying will smith like it was and i didn't like that as as as his wife i would never want to put i would never put my wife in a compromising position on a podcast to make her look like a piece of garbage or to lessen her quality and as being like a legit fucking legend that will smith is i didn't like

that they took a legend and tried to make him i i i i didn't like that i just bothered oh it's bad and i gotta tell you something if he fucked around on her do you think everybody would be trashing her making her fun ah your man's out there fucking around with one of his children's friends this is what i've been saying as a married guy whether you're at fault or you're not at fault the shit's still flowing down to you now granted i'm fucking biased because i'm living my experience but like i mean how is he the dude who got cheated on and he's still getting the shit yeah that sucks you know donnell rollins one time said something he goes you don't ever want to be a meme and he goes look what they did to jordan jordan's the greatest of all times

and all kids know him now is crying jordan that's all they know him as he goes don't ever become a meme yeah then that documentary came out he's fine and donnell is a meme isn He's an Ashy Larry meme. That's true. I'm rich, bitch. Donnell is a meme. He is a walking meme. He's one of the most memeable people I've ever met. He's got that amazing voice. He says all that crazy shit.

Yo, son. Yo, son. That's going to curse on us. That's, yeah. Yo, son. Yo, son. Yeah. Jessica Curson does a really great impression of him. Who does? Jessica Curson does a really great impression of him.

I didn't get that at first. Why would Will Smith want, why would they air that with him with like tears in his eyes and just looking like, like, and her like being confident? Like that was what was annoying was she was confident when she's like, yeah, and then I his eyes and just looking like like and her like being confident

like that was what was annoying was she was confident when she's like yeah and then i did this and she was all like okay with it and he's just looking at her like devastated it was fucking brutal man you know guys say that's why i don't watch dr phil because i always feel like the guy didn't want to be there and he just gave in and he's just sitting there and then dr phil's got a you know his fan base is women so nine times out of ten he's just sitting there. And then Dr. Phil's got a, you know, his fan base is women. So nine times out of 10, he's going to be like, you need to stop taking your dick out when you're peeing. Sit down like she does.

It was like when Tyson was sitting next to Robin Givens. And she was like, he's manic. That's a great fucking analogy. He's manic and he's just a prick. But I want to have little Tysons. But he's sick and he loses his mind and he's just sitting there. And everyone's like great fucking analogy. He's manic and he's just depressed, but I want to have little Tysons, but he's sick and he loses his mind and he's just sitting there and everyone's like, holy shit.

But Will Smith, I felt like, did that to himself. Like, there was no fucking interviewer there. There was no Barbara Walters. It was just like he was the one saying it and then getting devastated, which I thought was really bizarre and weird. I think it's more of the same. That's how it works.

In the male-female dynamic same that's how it works in the male female dynamic that's how it works it it's it's never gonna be their fault that's it's gonna be well she cheated because he did this this and this and if a guy dies a fucking dog he's a piece of shit blah blah blah blah so we just went out to we just went out to brunch me my wife yannis and his wife right because he's in the neighborhood so we went out there and we have the constant same fight and he has a greek flag mask on no uh sorry he goes we go out and we're in town and i say to my wife and he says to his wife hey we're in town if you want we're gonna get food what do you want and then it's well where are you we're in town. If you want, we're going to get food. What do you want? And then it's, well, where are you going?

It's like, well, whatever you want. You just let, well, I need to know where you're going. I need a menu. And like his wife is doing it too. And it's like, guys are just like, I'm in town. If you want pizza, I'll get you pizza. If you want a sandwich, I'll go get you a sandwich. I'm in town.

So whatever, I'm going to get, but where are you going to go? Well, what is he going to eat? Well, what is she? It's like, I'll go there. And with them, it's just like, no, you're not organized. You're a fucking dummy. Tell me where you're going. And that's just the difference.

Because they want you to order their second choice. That's why they do that. What are you getting? And then they, so they get the number one, the two, they get two number one picks. And you, half the time, end up eating something you didn't even fucking want. You just did it just to keep her happy. They all want it there today. Oh, they have a better food draft.

They get the first pick and the second pick. They don't even got to trade now. Every time I go out to eat, I do the same thing. I go, what's the best to go on the menu? Get me one of those, and then I'm gonna order what I want. I get two meals. I eat half and half. Take a bowl. Oh, my God. Jesus. Was that you? Was that all you? That was me. I'm gonna get order what I want. I get two meals. I eat half and half. Oh, my God. Jesus.

Was that you? Was that all you? That was me. I'm going to get another beer, guys. I'm fucking loving this conversation. We can have Berzion more, Bill. Yeah, I'm feeling like this isn't balanced enough. Dude, I can't drink or smoke cigars for months because I went to the gastro guy and I have ulcerations,

ulcers in my esophagus and stomach because the acid was coming up so much and I was just smoking and drinking. And like, I would take the pill he gave me occasionally because I don't want to keep taking pills because that's not good for your liver. So I would, and he's like, you haven't been taking the medicine, huh? He's like, dude, you're you got ulcers like you need to just stop the acid is like. So yeah, dude, I'm on. I'm on a fucking hiatus right now. So that for the love of God, take all your croners and your Deutschmarks and your pounds you made over in Europe and hire a nutritionist. Don't try to go online and figure it out yourself because there's so much fucking misinformation. It's like trying to figure out who's fucking up the country. You

have no idea. Hire a fucking, hire a nutritionist. No, no. Why are you making it like I broke the bank in Europe? I just recall back to you being like, I don't want a British guy playing an American guy, but I want to be able to go over there and do stand up and make money. Go fuck yourself. There's plenty of English comics. They don't need you. I am a fucking nutritionist. And they'll teach you how to put food together and how to eat right. There's no read like that. You can solve all of that. I guarantee you, through diet and exercise. Yeah. Well, he told me, he said,

like, lose 10 pounds and just, he goes, you can drink. I've been telling him for fucking 15 fucking years. He just goes, yeah. He's just going to go right back. He wants someone. You're not going to do it, Paul. Paul, you're not going to do it. You're not going to do it.

I was doing nutrition shit. I told you that. I'm back. He's doing nutrition shit. Paul's looking up shit. He's doing nutrition shit. Paul, hire a nutritionist. Are you gonna do some electrician shit? Like I almost did. I almost started changing my outlets before my listeners were like, hey fuckhead, you can burn down your house. Get a fucking electrician. And I was like, you know what? They're right.

You're doing that with your body, Paul. You're going to burn down your body going, oh, I'm looking up nutrition shit. Why don't you hire a nutritionist, you dumb fuck? How many flat screen TVs do you got? 90? Sell one of them. Look at his face. He's not going to do it.

No, no, no. He has ulcers in his stomach and his esophagus, and he's still going to try to figure it out. I'm out. Paul, Paul, here's my question. Shark Tank, Shark Tank, I'm not buying. I'm out. You ready, Paul?

I'll bet you, dude. I'll bet you. We can do a wager. I'm in. Paul, you've lost every time I'm sick of taking your money. You lose five pounds and you start going, dude, I'm going to fucking break. You've set the bar so low. That is true.

That is true. Paul, Paul. I'm from a place of love, Paul. Say we could go to a stadium right now and watch a football game. You walk in, no ulcer, no nothing. What do you order? I go double vodka soda. Ooh. I go double vodka.

You're talking no ulcer. No ulcer. No ulcer. I want to hear it. Bill, get ready. You're next. I go double vodka soda with two lemons. Right?

Yeah. Double vodka soda, two lemons. I'll do three or four of those. And then at the end of the night, fourth quarter, like last call, I'll wash it down with a cold fucking beer. And then we'll go out to the parking lot and hopefully have a couple more. I'll even at that point, if it was a really good time, I'll take a couple of hits of weed too and just close it out. And what do you eat?

I would go, if they had premium sausage, I'd go premium sausage with onions and peppers. Spicy though, not the sweet sausage, the hot sausage with onions and peppers. You know, spicy though. Not the sweet sausage, the hot sausage. Yeah, yeah. And then maybe either a fucking hot dog or a burger. One of those things. Nice, nice.

Bill, Bill. You know what should have been a meme? The look of seriousness on his face when you asked him that question. He's just like, no ulcer. No ulcer. No ulcer? Bill, we walk into a stadium. What's the first thing you get? All right.

First of all, I got to give a shout out to Italians and Greeks. The way Paul, there was no pause. Once he thought and then the menu just, it was like big night. He just rolled it right out. I'm German-Irish, so this is going to take. What's the just, he just rolled it right out. I'm German Irish. So this is going to take, what's the first thing I do? All right. So I'm not on the wagon.

No. Oh, I get annihilated drunk. I put a dent in a bottle of bourbon, no beer. I start with a bourbon on the rocks and I don't give a fuck. Whatever they have at that point, I get so drunk, I feel like I'm gonna get sick. I just need food. I would literally anything.

And I'd shove that down my fucking Northern European fucking ancestry face. And then I would smoke at least three cigars. And then I would go into the stadium and I would continue drinking. And in the first quarter, I would be funny and my section would like me.

And somewhere in the second quarter, it would start to turn. And Paul, even with his Mediterranean skin, I could tell he was getting embarrassed by my behavior. Dude, you've had a couple, dude. I mean, he goes, Bill goes from happy and fun to just fucking, he gets when somebody does something in the crowd, he'll just look. Dude, he heckled the punter. He heckled the field goal kicker of the Miami Dolphins to the point where the guy walked across the field. He didn't want to do it anymore. He walked down the sidelines. Carpenter. Carpenter. So we're in there and we're

watching the Dolphins play the Cincinnati Bengals in Cincinnati. We took the ferry across the river drinking some Kentucky bourbon. Bill's got the whole place loving him. Look at this guy. This guy's hilarious. He's laughing with everybody. Quarter number two, he just turned, he's going, Carpenter, Carpenter, you better get your real estate license. I know you can hear me. And it

just kept going on and on. The guy in front of me said, hey, get on the kicker, get on the kicker. So I was so hammered. That was all I could see for the rest of the game. I mean, you got on that guy, dude, I would have thought about retirement if I was that guy. That's how brutal that day was. Your reliability, carpenter. Reliability, you -"Your reliability, Carpenter!" -"Your reliability. You know you'll miss it if it's inside 40!" Oh, dude, it was... I literally, Burt, I just started leaning away from him I just started, like, trying to talk to strangers

about other things, because he just was relentless with it. I think Carpenter hit all the field goals, too. Like, he'd never heard some drunk idiot yell at him before. He just had heard enough. So he walked down. I wish I went down a few sections after he walked down. Be like, hey Carpenter. I'm not gone.

You got to walk out of the stadium to get rid of me, buddy. And then everybody would be like, what the fuck is with this guy? Just to have the new section shock. That is something that i do miss is about sports is you used to be able to get terrifyingly drunk people would be gathering their children i mean you could get fucking hammered at least where i was from i remember the first i went to I've told this story before. The first game I ever went to, I went to a Patriots versus the New York Jets, Freeman McNeil, Richard Todd, Wesley Walker, and the sack exchange, Gaston Ocleko, Marty Lyons, and Abdul Salam. Right. I saw those guys and the Pats sucked that year.

It was like 82 or something like that. And, um, and I went to the stadium thinking everybody, even though we sucked, I thought everybody was going to be as excited as I was. That holy jeekers, look, there's a professional foot. That's the Patriots and they play for us. And I got in there and they're all like, fucking Patriots suck, you fucking clock sucker.

I was terrified. My dad was sitting there like, Jesus Christ, I mean, he came from the Midwest. I don't know. Not like they're not animals out there, but I think they're more animals at the college level. I just remember it was freezing rain. Like that, that sleep was a miserable experience.

And I was like, I was scared at a guy. I remember when I came down out of the stands was pissing. It was just a concrete stadium. And he was just pissing like he was up against a tree. And there was that puddle of foam coming between his legs. And it was just, it was not a good experience. Dude, I was at, I would say maybe 10 years ago, Jets Patriots. And even though I'm a Giants fan, we got tickets and we had to bundle up because it was freezing we were at the highest point of the stadium and then there's just a you know the flat

cement where you get up to walk and then there's somebody else's head there was a guy laying on that face like this like he was sleeping comfortably late third quarter and he would just go and just shit would fly out of his mouth and every time he would jolt, he would... So I was just looking. And every time he would jolt, fucking water would fly out. And water would fly out. And people just left him. They were just like his friends were like,

all right, man, he'll be all right. And the guy just stayed there in a puddle of his fucking... His friends just dragged him out like they had a mannequin at the end of the... Have you ever read any of the stories from old Sullivan Stadium, Schaefer Stadium where the Patriots played? No.

We got banned from Monday night football. Somebody stabbed a police horse. One time we won a game, they took the goalpost out of the stadium, and they hit wires, and people got electrocuted. We had a guy fell off the back of the stadium this was a time where you could actually sit up on the back of the stadium there wasn't even anybody to be like hey you might want to get down from there dude who stabs a horse i'm fucking drunk no and like the people of foxborough it was like eight years into the stadium, they were like, what the fuck have we done by having this animal magnet that we put out there?

And then after that, after the white people behaved like that, essentially, then Michael Jackson came out to do the victory tour in that stadium. And Foxborough was like, we're not going to have a bunch of African, black people, they probably said something else, no one left back then, right? Coming out here to watch this game. So they canceled the concert. Well, this is what happened. That's how that opened the door eventually. It opened the door for Victor Kayyem to end up coming in

because that's what fucked over the Sullivan family, one of the original families. Because two things, they somehow were promoting the whole michael jackson victory tour and when they did the finances what they were paying him and in the gate they were going to make the money but they didn't see how big michael's stage was this is what a promoter in boston told me his stage was so fucking big and ate up so many seats that they were going to lose money on every single gig, like substantial money. So they asked him to make the stage smaller. And he said, I can't because he was competing with Prince and he was worried that Prince was going to have a better stadium.

So he refused. So they lost money every single time. So they were going to take the tour as a loss. And then they canceled Foxborough and he still made them pay. And that was it. That's that's what this promoter told me bill you had a story that i wanted to tell somebody but you it you i just you had to tell it because it was one of the funniest things that i've ever heard about a boston guy either getting drunk or getting into fights but you told me about a friend who fought so much he had a mouthpiece in his pocket and i gotta tell you something the visualization of that the mind of that is

still one of the funniest things and when i think about it i'll cry laughing he was a bouncer when he had he had a mouth it was like i think that you just put it in and you bite down on it it wasn't like the full-on with the puerto rican flag like you're watching pay-per-view it was he had like the little thing and he would he would get in with a guy, and they were going to square up. He put this thing in their mouth. They were like, dude, this guy brought gear. And I saw him one time actually get suckered, and it flew out of his mouth,

I believe. It's so long ago, I can't remember. But, yeah. Dude, if you're going to fight a guy, if you're about to square up with a fucking guy drunk or sober and he pulls out a mouthpiece and puts it in you win dude yeah no don't hey did you guys watch the UFC last night boring really I love that a lot of people hated that last fight I loved it fucking hated it I didn't know toe stomping was a fucking move.

Dude, how about the fact that that guy just stood there while a champion heel. How many times can somebody stomp on your fucking big toe and you're expressionless? Dude, what I don't like, that was like everybody's just, oh, he's stomping on his toe. He totally took away that guy's game. That guy's one of the greatest fighters I've ever seen.

That was like a chess match, and he won, but people wanted to see, like, an action here. I understand why some people thought it was boring after a while, but I loved it. I'll tell you what. I would argue. I actually texted this to Rogan this morning. I would argue that had there been fans there,

it would have been a different fight. I think they would have started a different fight i think they would have started booing and then when they're down grappling and someone's going for a triangle they start booing yeah that speeds up the fight when they start booing those fighters hear that and they're it does dictate the energy of how the fighters behave and i think they would have booed let me ask you this when you're a stand-up comedian should you do what the crowd wants you to do or should you do what you want to do i i do a lot of what crowd wants i get subject suggestions like a little where they write it on papers and send it forward and i just do their bits i don't know bill what the fuck i'm just saying no you're gonna

put your i mean look i understand their job is to entertain those fucking people, but those fucking people, anytime it goes to the ground for longer than 20 seconds, historically they've started booing, regardless of what's happening. So I don't want the upper deck to dictate what I'm watching. I actually enjoy it. I'm such a cunt.

I actually enjoy it without a crowd. I like it better. I like hearing what they're saying in the corner i like to so many of the hits that i thought were just bullshit hits you know you watch it at home i could take that leg kick just hearing them you're like oh my god how is that guy not flinching how is throwing that kick not hurting the guy throwing the kick forget about the guy taking it i have like a whole nother level of respect for those fighters. I'm not thinking that it was like, it was an eventless fight. I just was, I wanted to see more.

I wanted to see a knockout. I wanted to see it end. I didn't want to see a decision. I didn't want to see him hold him up against the fence. I think Masvidal had not trained, had not obviously not gone through a camp. So I don't think he was physically as fit as he has been in the past. Absolutely.

And Hussman was fucking dialed in. He literally was in great shape, wasn't gassed. And after that first round. But they'll have a rematch. I hope so. It'll be, I think they, I mean, I don't know shit about this, but I would think that they would. But I don't know, man.

I kind of, I kind of enjoying. I was just, I watched the F1 race today, Formula One, and there was no crowd there. And I was just thinking like, how much less trash is there? Because dude, like over a hundred thousand, I don't know how many people show up. I mean, it's a fucking racetrack. It's got to be big enough for them to drive 200 miles an hour on.

Just not all of that trash, all of those people pissing and shitting in porta potties and all that. I know, I guess they do it at home, but I kind of enjoy, I'm looking forward to the NFL without a crowd. Well, here's the question. Go ahead. Go ahead, Paul. No, is the NFL going to have some crowd though, like a limited capacity? Or no, or nothing I feel like the NFL is like the Federal Reserve of Sports Leagues where they sort of dictate they're like a beyond the government

I feel like I thought it was interesting that we kind of knew about this shit and nobody said anything until after football was over you know they put a shut it down in January during the middle of the playoffs. They're like, nah. Yeah. They're just going through the Superbowl. Bert said something too, about the crowd dictating things. What about the NBA playing in that? Like when a guy, when you get hot in basketball,

you start hitting shots and the crowd momentum and stuff. It's going to be weird to watch a guy hit a couple and then run down with nothing and just see if he can keep that. How great is that going to be? How great is's going to be weird to watch a guy hit a couple and then run down with nothing and just see if he can keep that running. How great is that going to be, Paul? How great is that going to be? You're never going to get to see this again. Instead of whining about, oh, why can't it be the way it always is? Why can't you just enjoy like this is fucking, if you ever wanted to hear what the fuck they say, dude, can you imagine the shit? Like they're going to have to, they almost have to be on a delay because you still with with the crowd you hear people going what the fuck to a ref there's gonna they're gonna have to be like i even saw like some of the uh the guys last night

were whispering in the fighter's ear um or trying to keep their voice down i find all of that shit like i used a long time ago i i said that that that the NFL package should have like the NC-17 version where all the players are mic'd up and if you sign on you can't get offended by anything that you hear and then you get like the ultimate sort of like you're watching the game and you know you always see guys jawing at each other you could hear every fucking thing that they were saying I'd rather hear that than people chanting bullshit. Why don't fucking comedy clubs have that? How about a disclaimer right before you walk in? You're going to hear this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. You have to take a picture of the fucking disclaimer on your fucking phone. And then there's

no problems, no fucking complaints. You don't like it, just fucking leave. You know what you were walking into. They should have that. I wish people would just push back against the fucking, the 8% of people that are doing this, which really just seems like at this point, I don't even know what it is. They're not making anything better.

They're just ruining people's careers. That's what I'm saying. It might be only 8%, but that 8% is taking fucking food off people, taking careers away. Well, that's because everybody else is keeping their fucking mouth shut and letting them do it that's what it is because listen this it's not like every time they complain I feel that they're wrong but like now it's getting to the point of just just like I mean it's just like there's no trial a little bit of circumstantial evidence go fuck yourself the other person's like here's all the evidence you were just looking at. That actually shows it a lot differently than the way you're

deliberately skewing this shit and everybody has no time for it. This podcast is brought to you by ExpressVPN. I know most of you are probably thinking, why don't you just use incognito mode? Well, let me tell you something. Incognito mode does not hide your activity. It doesn't matter what mode you use or how many times you clear your history in your browser. Your internet service provider can see every single website you've ever visited. That's why even when I'm at home, I go online and use ExpressVPN. It doesn't matter if you get your internet from Verizon,cast or any ISP ISPs in the US can legally sell your information to ad companies ExpressVPN is an app that reroute reroutes your internet connection through their secure server

so secure servers so your ISP can't see the sites you visit. Dude, I want to get this shit. I know, bro. This is like my late night, up at night brain mode. ExpressVPN also keeps all your information secure by encrypting 100% of your data with the most powerful encryption available. Most of the time, I don't even realize I have ExpressVPN on. It runs seamlessly in the background and it's so easy to use.

All you have to do is tap one button and you're protected. ExpressVPN is available on all your devices, your phones, computers, even your smart TV. There's no excuse not to be using it. Protect your online activity today with the VPN rated number one by CNET and Wired. Visit this exclusive link,

expressvpn.com slash Bill Burt, and you can get three extra months for free on a one-year package. That's expressvpn.com slash Bill Burt, expressvpn.com slash Bill Burt to learn more. All right. And after you're done protecting yourself online, it's time to manscape your junk. Manscaped, everybody. Summer is in full action. And we are thankful for our sponsor today, Manscaped, for keeping us fresh. Sun's out, buns out. And hopefully your pubes are not out. Manscaped offers all the right tools to keep your hair groomed above and below the belt. Manscaped is dedicated to helping you level up your full body grooming game.

They actually just released their Shears 2.0 nail kit, which is the perfect add-on to their Lawn Mower 3.0 or Perfect Package. I'm telling you, Bill, I just used these last night. They just sent me the tweezers and the rounded point scissors, nail clippers. The nail clippers are fucking awesome. I want to get those. All right. The Shears 2.0 is a luxury four-piece nail kit featuring tempered stainless steel tools, and it includes slash tip tweezers, rounded point scissors, fingernail clippers, and a medium grit nail file. You're

probably wearing flip-flops and people don't want to see those nasty unclipped toes of yours. No one likes ungroomed set of feet, fingers, and most importantly, balls. That's why they have their forever change. That's why they have forever changed the grooming game with the Perfect Package 3.0. The Perfect Package 3.0 kit comes with the essential Lawn Mower 3.0, water-resistant, cordless body trimmer, and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your manscaping routine. This is the best trimmer on the market for those of you in need of a chest shave or a ball cleanup. This third-generation trimmer features skin-safe technology to reduce manscaping accidents. Inside the perfect package, you'll also find the Manscaped Crop Preserver,

an anti-chafing ball deodorant, and moisturizer, because we know how painful chafing can be when you're wearing your bathing suit all day. You'll also find the Crop Reviver, a testy toner that's designed to give you a little pep in your step. I don't even know what that is, but I want to try that. Subscribe to the perfect package and get a new blade refill on your lawnmower trimmer delivered right to your door every three months. For a limited time, subscribers get two free gifts, the Sh bag $39 value added and the patented high performance reduced chafing manscape boxer brief get 20% off plus free shipping with the code billburtt at manscape.com do yourself a favor and always use the right tool for the job

comics when some comic gets in trouble and then comics start having it out with each other on social media, that cannibalism thing. It's like, what are you doing? You guys all have each other's text messages. Like I can text message somebody, handle it fucking in house. No,

but you want to know why? Because there, a lot of them are narcissists who wanted, who want that show. They want to show that show. I don't want to handle it. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? that show. They want to show that show. They don't want to handle it. Yeah, who gives a fuck?

I don't even want to talk about it. It's so depressing watching comedians attack other comedians or believing shit about comics because they don't like the comic. Not because of the evidence presented, because he bumped them, because they don't like his act, because they don't like where their career is at, that they literally just co-signed on this bullshit to have one less person in their way. It's really a fucking bizarre time. I wish someone got rid of social media altogether.

I would love it if someone just fucking tanked it all down. I'd be cool with it. I thought of that. I actually thought about that. I go, what would happen if just Twitter went down and maybe you could just either have a Facebook account or nothing and you just had to- Put all the power back into the industry, people,

is what would happen. And we'd be right back to what it was before where you'd only get 80%. So you gotta have the thing. My thing is the government should break up CNN and Fox News. They just need to break it up. It's the most divisive thing out there. And I think the fact that they both politicized this virus and it's really, I feel like it's an issue of national security now where we're showing that we're divided, which shows that this country is vulnerable and weak. And to have fellow Americans running these news fucking channels,

profiting off of this and just showing the wildest videos of people dropping the N-word and being fucking like this or crazy people on the left trying to cancel and just making that like this is what's actually going on when you walk outside the house. It isn't. No, it's not. It's a smaller percentage, but that's what they show you. They should do a social experiment and make somebody watch Fox News every day for 30 days

and then make them watch. Cause I remember watching, I would go back and forth and I'm like, oh, that's why that like, I have parents who are both, right? And I have relatives that are both and you watch them watch it and I'm that like, you know, I have parents who are both. Right. And I have relatives that are both. And you watch them watch it. And I'm going like, yeah, but what about the other side? And it's just it's like a brainwashed thing. It's CNN is trying to use this fucking pandemic as a way to get Trump out of the office.

They're thinking about that first before they're thinking about, you know, making sure everybody's OK. It's fucking reprehensible. thinking about, you know, making sure everybody's okay. It's fucking reprehensible. I tried to tell a joke the other day. Yeah, the other day. Yeah, the other day when we were on the road. And I said, Fox News for me, sometimes an article will pop up,

and it'll be Fox News. And that's the same as, do you ever remember when you were in, like, high school and you were on the beach? And you'd be like, oh, shit, look at this hot blonde getting out of the water. And then you'd be like, oh, fuck, that's a dude with long hair. Fuck, fuck, fuck, never mind. That's what Fox News is like for me. I'll see an article and be like, oh, fuck, this is what – God damn it, it's Fox fucking News.

I can't fucking co-sign on that. I just wish I could go to one of them, dude. I can't go to one of them. I need a list. I need a list on the sides of my computer right here that says the ridiculously left and the ridiculously right. So I read their articles and I go, Oh, no wonder they're fucking feeding into whatever was wrong with me.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you went to the beach in high school. That's the shit, man. I wish I had that. No, seriously. Like, you're like, Oh I would you ever go to the beach in high school it's like no we went to a fucking pizzeria or the deli

it's stationary store you have candy we live hey so wait you guys got me thinking when you were talking about about sports without fans two questions number one if they offered maybe a higher price ticket very socially distant but you could go to like exclusive events like go to the Masters and it only be like 500 people so like you could kind of it was almost like no one was there would you do it and what event would you do it um i mean i guess it's just and what event would you go would you want to see paul like how safe like you say it looks like nobody's there just how safe would it be like if i'm 100 safe 10 12 feet away from somebody and i have a mask on and i'm with a buddy that i know doesn't have it then then i would then i would probably do it. But if I got there and it was a shit show,

I'd be like, oh, this is not, you know. Like what event would you want to go to, Paul? I'll be honest, man. I've never been to it. I've been to a ton of stuff. Me and Bill, Bart, Nick, and we've been to all these different things. I've never been to the Super Bowl.

Never. And I should have went. I should have went the second time the Giants went. I should have went with Eli. I've never been to the Super Bowl. Never. And I should have went I should have went the second time the Giants went I should have went with Eli should have went should have went up the first time. And I shouldn't I should have went to either and I didn't fucking go and it kills me because Eli's my guy. Eli's always been my guy and I'm never gonna be able to see that guy in

that game, which hurts me. So if they had a social distance Super Bowl, and I had like my buddies, and I had to think, fuck, that's for me, I would do that. Because I've been to game one of the World Series Yankees Mets. I've been to the National Championship NCAA. I've been to Sunday at the Masters. I've been to that. I have not been to a big tennis match. I actually did go to the US Open. So I didn't do that. Super for me Super Bowl. Okay, so here's tennis match. Actually, I did go to the U.S. Open, so I did do that. For me, Super Bowl. Okay, so here's the question. Just so I can make it fiscally responsible, they say,

Paul, we got a gig for you. It's 50 grand. Or I can give you four tickets to the socially distanced Super Bowl. Four tickets or 50 grand. Well, my wife would fucking freak out if I didn't take the 50, for sure. She'd be like, you fucking idiot. So you could drink and forget the ending because you're going to be drunk, smoking cigars. Or look at your daughter.

Look at Sophia and Lucas and tell them to walk from 50K. She's in a medically induced coma and she doesn't have a say in it. So, so. God forbid. You know, I don't know what it is. I just – I would have to go – I would just have to go with the cash. I would go with the cash. One gig.

It's the same as a $4,000 gig, as a $1,000 gig. And they're going to give you four tickets to the Super Bowl socially distanced. You can smoke cigars because no one's around. All right, here's the deal. I got to change it a little bit. It's $50,000. It's $50, socially distanced. You can smoke cigars because no one's around. All right, here's the deal. I got to change it a little bit. It's 50 grand, though. No, no. It's just stand-up, Bill.

It's just stand-up. If the Giants are in it, that may change. If my New York football Giants are in it, that may change it. But if I'm going to see the fucking, you know, the Bucs, you know, play the Dolphins, I'm not fucked at. You know what I mean? Okay, Bill, same question to you, okay? Here's the deal.

Big casino. Harris calls up and says, Bill, we got a really big gig. Here's the deal. We can pay you in cash, and it's six figures. It's like 250 or or bill or hold on hold on yes i'm doing it thank you big casino bill bill hold on i'm i own the casino i'm not done with my pitch okay i'm sorry i would like to give you that money or i can offer you any helicopter you want you fly you and six of your friends out to this game.

You watch the game. You have a great time, and then you get to fly the helicopter back. Six of your friends, cigars, whiskey, no women, just fucking. Yeah, but the amount of money that you're giving me, I could then rent any helicopter I wanted. I know, I know. It's hard with you. With both of these analogies,

you went so high with the money. 250 fucking grand? Dude. What am I, Lady Gaga? I'll take the Lady Gaga money, and I'll put the rest on a gift certificate. Dude, there's little

I wouldn't do for fucking 250 cash. 250 cash, I don't know what I wouldn't do. Actually, I know what I wouldn't do. There are a couple things I wouldn't do. Name them. Name the four things you won't do for $2,000. He wouldn't be able to without getting in trouble. Yeah, that's true.

I don't want to say something. No, I mean, I don't know. I mean, there's just a couple of, you know, I don't know if I would. Wouldn't hurt your family. Sucker punch and none. Sucker punch and none. Sucker punch and none. No, I would do that. With all the shit she's done to kids hitting their knuckles with a ruler,

she probably had it coming. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I wouldn't do anything to hurt my kids. I wouldn't do anything to hurt my family. You know, I wouldn't do what Tom Cruise did in that movie where he hung on the back on the side of a B-2 bomber and had it take off and actually was outside of it and then came back around and landed.

And he said like he was thinking about it the night before. He did that. Like he actually, I wouldn't do that. If you gave me, if you put fucking 250 cash in a fucking duffel bag and said, you just got to hang on the side of this airplane. We're going to take off. We're going to go about 3000 feet, come back around and land. I wouldn't do it.

It's 17 hours. Would you do it? Well, so one, so I was, when I was, I had a show called birth conqueror and I was set to be the first guy to jump off the stratosphere. And so I'm sitting on the edge of the stratosphere, and my cameraman, Scott Sands, is sitting with me, and he's strapped into the fucking building. He's leaning off the building.

I'm just tethered into a ride holding on, and he starts giggling to himself. We're 1,100 feet above the strip. He starts giggling to himself. I go, what are you laughing at? And he goes, how much money do you think you're getting paid to jump off the stratosphere? And I went, well,

I know I'm getting paid per episode. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is only a segment in that episode. How much are you getting paid? And I thought, wow, for all the work I'm doing, this is really only 15 seconds. I think I'm making like $125. And I,

I just was like, if you would, I would never jump off this building for $125, but technically I am. And it fucking killed me. That's one of the scary, have you ever seen that? When they send those people off to stop at the top of the stratosphere out of

all the crazy rides that I've seen at an amusement park. There's just something to the fact that they built a ride on top of that structure that really looks like it's going to tip over to be honest with you. Yeah. The fact that you're now jumping off no parachute.

Oof. The amount of times I've gone to one of those fucking amusement parks and I've seen a roller coaster rear end another roller coaster. I got stuck on a ride. You know the one where they

they bring the thing down and you keep... -"You've never seen a roller coaster. Rear-end another roller coaster." -"You want to bet?" -"Slay to God! You've never seen that!" -"Yes, I have. Okay, let me clarify it. I heard it." -" -"I heard it."

-"What?" -"I'm gonna let you get this laugh out, and then I'm going to tell you the story. I'm going to, Bert, I swear to you, you're going to eat this laugh. I'm telling you what happened. Tell me the story. All right. So we went on this roller coaster, six flags. What year?

Oh, God. Long time ago, like at least 15, 20 years ago. It's more than that, right? Springfield, Massachusetts. We had just got off the ride, and then we got, we had a, you know, a day pass. We went to the next ride, and all of a sudden we just heard, boom! And what happened was, you know, they had two roller coasters. So you got the one you're loading up, and then the other one's coming in,

and it was supposed to stop it, and it didn't. What? And it rear-ended the other one, and this girl broke her cheekbone. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. And you laughed at that that that was violence against a woman bert it's still funny though i mean the not the another time i went to another one of these fucking great adventure whatever the fuck it was i was out and uh jersey my girlfriend now my wife

and we went on the um the roller coaster where the harness comes down like this. And then you don't have a seat and it's like you're flying and everything. So then we come in to stop and we're stopping and we're sitting there and we're sitting there and we're sitting there. And then we noticed some milling around and I'm like, oh no. And then they, all of a sudden people in the line start getting out of the line. Oh, fuck. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I see these guys in these yellow suits go over,

and they're looking at like a fuse box. And at that point, my wife is starting to get upset, and I'm trying to, it's all right, you know, they're going to get us out of here, you know, whatever. It'll just be a few minutes and something like that. And in my head, I'm like, oh, my God, I've seen this on the news where these people got stuck upside down in the loop and the blood went to their head and so i'm just sitting there and at one point i was fine until i tried to get out that's where they fuck you bill because i was going like you know what if i really wanted to i could probably get out of this thing and i went like and i couldn't and then that's

when my my breathing started going like yeah yeah i was as I was starting dude I was seriously gonna fucking freak out dude if you started screaming do you know what Nia would have done if you were like that that was gonna happen and it was gonna happen real quick but thank god for those guys in the yellow suits they brought us in and I will never forget they brought us in i'm like now is it going to happen again it's going to happen and like dude we got off that thing it's like i am i'm i've never gone again i don't think i've gone again i was just like you know this is like uh i don't know what this is this is this is like flying a fucking plane that just all it does is fly they don't even have fucking time to maintain it eventually this thing's gonna fucking crash i i don't know what this is. This is like flying a fucking plane that just all it does is fly. They don't even have fucking time to maintain it.

Eventually, this thing's going to fucking crash. I don't want to be a part of this. I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys get that thing where when you're really high and you look down, your balls, something happens with your balls? Do you know what I mean? Like you're getting like your balls. You do, right? It happens when somebody gets like something happens with your balls do you know what i mean like you're getting like your balls you do that happens when somebody gets like something happens to them if they're really gonna get hurt yeah your balls pull up in you a little bit i i was on 82nd floor of a building we did this comedy show up in new york and then they were just like look down and dude 82 floor

and i looked down and my fucking junk just like fucking, like by itself, just freaked me out. It was fucking weird. When I'm flying, all right, like what's the weirdest thing? If I'm coming in for a landing, altitude isn't something I'm really thinking about as far as like, wow, I'm high up, I'm scared. But whenever we would do as like, wow, I'm high up, I'm scared.

But whenever we would do honor rotations, okay, so you're coming in and your target is almost like, with what I fly, because it drops like a fucking stone, you're almost over it. Then that's when I would start getting like, whoa, we're really, I don't, would have to fight those thoughts early on. It's kind of a weird, like. I don't know how to do that. I honestly, like, that's one thing, like, you know, we've been friends for a long time. We've toured together, and we've been through a lot of things and shit, and I know you're a fucking good dude.

I know you're a smart dude, but I got to be honest with you, man. That's one thing you do that I just, is so fucking wild to me. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, it's one of the most, because maybe it's because of my fascination and slash my fear of aviation. But dude, being up there and flying that fucking thing and landing a helicopter.

And I'm not going to lie, when we were up that night, I had a good time. But when we left Santa Barbara and me, you and Dean, and it was dark and we were fucking moving around like a bumblebee over the fucking thing. And you were calm and cool. And the other guy was talking a lot of shit. I'm not going to lie. I was fucking scared.

Now what that was, was I was just, I was flying a little too low. I had to get a little lower, a little higher because it was the mountain ridge right there. And it's just, the wind was coming across it. That's all that was going on. So it wasn't like a big it's just obviously because your friend is flying it but I understand that fear because I have that fear I am so afraid of the ocean I think fearful ocean stuff in my pool like anytime my daughter starts swimming away from me I immediately start thinking like oh my

god we're in the ocean and I'm going to lose her. Like I have a problem in the ocean when you were younger or no? Um, no, but it, what happened was I read a bunch of books, classics books, and it was all about the sea. And, and, and like, then I, I just started reading about it, dude. It's, it's at a very unforgiving, like, no, man, I watched Jaws. I saw Jaws at a very unforgiving you're like no man i watched jaws no i saw jaws at a certain age dude i'll tell you what's fucking unreal as far as like one time i went to the beach when i was a little kid i mean this was still when i was living in northern mass so that was like the earliest pre-1976 I couldn't have been more than six, seven years old. My brother was eight, neither one of us could swim at all. And we went to the beach.

And there was all of these bigger kids way out in the water on this little dock, this floating dock. And we wanted to go out there. And we just kept walking out in the ocean, walking out, walking out. And I was getting where the water was here. And all I had to do, dude, is a wave came. And if I lost my balance, I would have drowned if someone didn't see me. My mom had no idea. And I always go back and I think about like, if my wife's ever going to go to the beach and she's bringing my daughter, like I just, I have to go and I cannot fucking relax the entire time. Because it's just, you know, riptides, the things that are in there, all kinds of like, it's a... It's fucking huge, dude.

And then like all the shit that's dangerous is like your head's here and all the dangers below there. I find it terrifying. But to make yourself feel a little bit better about aviation is when you look up in the air, just imagine all the roads up there. Okay. If all the roads are up there. Yeah, but how does that make me feel better? Just wait. Then eliminate all the trees, eliminate all the water, all the buildings, anything you could ever fucking hit is gone. Okay. And then eliminate 99% of cars and then have a radio where you can talk to other people so you know where they're at. That's how much Satan, dude, because I got to tell you, when you exist up there and then you come down and you get on a fucking LA highway, you're just like, dude,

what the fuck? What the fuck? And there's some guy next to you and then some guy in a motorcycle split in the fucking lanes. Somebody passing you 90 on the right, 90 miles an hour as you're trying to get up. I am way more terrified. I would be scared, more scared to drive my kids and family down the fucking highway than I would to get into a helicopter. Maybe not right now because I'm only flown once in the last. The statistics. Yes, the statistics. And that's what makes me go. Every time I get on, I go the statistics. But like, Bert, you grew up around a beach, dude. So I'm sure this happened to you going to the ocean. I used to go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina in high school all the time on vacation. And we went out a little too far and the lifeguards calling us in

and I can't get back. And the harder we're going, the further out we're going. And we all started to panic. And a couple of my buddies got up there. And I didn't get there yet. And they're fucking, they're waving and shit. And they're like about to get on the jet ski to get us. And I just remember going like, don't go too, like the people that were, don't fight too hard. Just kind of try to go with it and slow down. And I eventually got back.

And that was one of the scariest moments of my life. Because for a second, I'm like, they might come and get me. But I might drown in the next minute. I could drown. Oh, I almost drowned in a in a triathlon uh recently probably a couple years ago i did a triathlon and i i just forgot i just forgot i got out there swimming and all of a sudden i'm in like third place and i'm like god damn i'm gonna win this fucking triathlon i was like why are these fucking idiots i'm like looking and they're like i go this guy's not even going the right direction he's like 20 yards away from everyone i was like i'm am i gonna win

this thing like i'm touching toes of the guy in front of me going fuck it i'm gonna pound through so i get to the buoy and as soon as i hit the buoy i i didn't turn the way everyone else did i wasn't and i didn't know how to turn to do this roll thing and fucking people started climbing on top of me and drowning me and i i'm like i'm a i'm a quarter of a mile out in the lake just going like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna drown and and there was a guy on a paddleboard and i was like do i wave him down because i and part of it was my ego i was like i grew up in the water i'm not gonna die so i just got on my back and just very casually kicked away from everyone and i was like oh that's why they're not in the group they're out to the side they just want to do a triathlon they don't care about winning they just want to get it done and so i kicked out to

the side i got on my back i kind of swam a little bit on my back and then got in and my wife's like we were watching you almost died out there i was was like fucking terrified. And I was, you want to talk about being gassed? Almost drowning gassed is like no muscles anywhere. You're trembling. Oh my God. Dude, you just gave me an anxiety. I just had a panic attack thinking about that because I know that moment's brutal. Sorry, Paul.

Is that because you panic and then if you just relax for a second, hey, I know how to float. Yeah, I just relaxed and I was like if I just take a deep breath my body will float to the top and I'm fine I just gotta sit here catch my breath and then start swimming and I and I was like and by the way on my back I can just casually keep going in and I don't need to freestyle in and so I got I got like I probably swam like you know an eighth of a mile on my. And then that other quarter of a mile or the other eighth, I just fucking pounded in.

And I was, dude, I've been, I've been caught out to, I've been caught out in riptides before. And I don't panic because I know what it is. I've been caught out and taken out pretty fucking far too. And, uh, but yeah, but, but you know, I can't, that young lady just drowned out in lake piru did you hear about that that actress yeah it's terrible it's terrible sitting there crying on the boat oh my god but you think you just it's like you're right bill is like there needs to not enough people have respect for water like for the ocean because they go ah it's fine dude when we when we were with georgia was maybe like three years old,

couldn't swim yet. We're out at Malibu, out by Zuma, but to the left. You know, over to the left, the waves crash a little harder. It's by that big cliff. And this dad, his name's Matt, he's got a cold beer like this. We had all just passed around a joint. We're sitting by the water. Georgia's playing a thing.

And a wave comes and knocks George's down. She's three. And it tarts to take her out to the ocean. And this dad, Matt, fucking loved this guy to this day. A little high, beer in hand, scooped down, grabbed her by the ankle and lift her up. He goes, I just saved her life. Wow.

Daughter, bro. I would have been destroyed for the rest of my life and this guy matt just two kids fucking scooped down grabbed her by the ankle and lifted her up upside down he goes i just saved her fucking life what sucks about having two kids is if something happens to one of your kids you can't kill yourself to end the pain because you got to be there for the other one that's what i realized that's like a fucking dad thought you just got to be there for the other one. That's what I realized. That's like a fucking dad thought. You just got to sit there and take it. It's just, it's fucking brutal, man.

I like when that story about that poor actress came, I, you know, my wife had it on. And then when I saw that the kid was like sleeping or crying on the boat, I'm like, just the panic of that kid looking over the side, looking for the mom, what if the kid fell in? I just, I can't watch stories like that at all. It's a big, it's a big, there's like little things, I think, growing up around the water where you are aware of.

Like, you ever see that, I think it was a movie, but they all jump off a sailboat and then they forget to put the ladder down and there's no way to get back up it. And're like terrifying fuck shit like that you can't tell me someone when just you couldn't just get two guys we had just because you're gonna die your adrenaline just feed the fucking guy well one guy has a you know something i don't know dude being out to sea what about that one where like they counted wrong and two of them were left out there and the sharks open water like they counted wrong and the scuba the scuba boat left and they were just fucking there like overnight and they like they fucking dude like how dark it gets at night that's the ultimate yeah that's the ultimate you know because god forbid you go down in aviation

you go down god forbid you go quick that dude laying there seeing fucking sharks circling oh dude that's that's scuba diving scuba diving scare i do it but it scares the shit out of me because you realize if something goes wrong i'm 80 feet down i i the the the rate at which you ascend is uh I think it's 10 feet per minute. So that escape route takes fucking forever. It's like eight minutes. And at 15 feet, you got to sit for five minutes and equalize. Dude, scuba diving scares.

It does scare the shit out of me, I think in a healthy way. Dude, I so fuck all. And then you see a shark coming at you. And you got to like, like well i'd love to swim away from him but i need to time my ascent there's literally monsters under the fucking water this is this was nuts our 10-year anniversary stacy and i flew to hawaii now i'm not afraid of water like that like being in it and looking at fish my wife hates it but it's she was just, she just was a champ on this trip. She's like, I'm going to fucking drink. Like it's the first time I saw my wife. And if you, you know, Bill knows my wife, but

my wife is just one of these organized responsible, but you know, she has fear of water and she just turned into fucking me in Hawaii. It was fucking weird. She's drinking, she's having a great time. And we're looking... We're looking... I'm not saying she doesn't have a good time, you know what I mean? I know, that's just funny. It turned into me. She's drinking, she's gambling. No responsibility! Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she turned into a comic after their show was on a Saturday on the road. She just said... She's waking up in the middle of the night burping up acid, just... Yeah, yeah. She's fucking, she's afraid of the ocean. She's in there. She's putting the ocean or water in her head. She's just like, she let go. So I was like, if you don't mind, I said, I heard that the scuba dive, the snorkeling is like incredibly,

see all these tropical fish and the, and the sea turtles. And she's like, I'll do it. So my older brother happened to be there with Aflac for his company. And he was like, do you guys mind if I hop on that trip with you? So the night before, 100% true story, the night before, we're eating seafood. And I'm going, hey, my brother Christian's coming. I go, last time he went out on a boat, he was puking over the boat for five hours. All his co-workers were telling me, he's probably going to be puking tomorrow. I hope not. We're laughing. Fast forward, the next day I wake up, I have coffee. And I'm like a little queasy on the way. They had to pick us up from where we were at the resort

and drive us an hour and a half. We went to the west side of the island. Beautiful, like mountains where they filmed the show Lost and shit. So we get on this catamaran, right? And it's all these people like, here's the rules. You're going to get some drink tickets, but after the drink tickets, we'll make you drinks. We make this one drink called whatever. There's a lot of rum. We're going to go out there. We're going to have a great time. You're going to some drink tickets, but if you after the drink tickets will make you drinks. We make this one drink called whatever There's a lot of rum. We're gonna go out there. We're gonna have a great time You're gonna jump in and give us all the rules, right? So I drink this fucking rum and And I just with the coffee and everything my stomach was a little weird Anyway, I put the fucking flippers on do the whole fucking deal. I'm ready to jump in we go in dude

And everybody just jumps in this one thing. And they saw these dolphins that were fucking like a pack of dolphins, which by the way, I didn't realize, you know, that dolphins can swim while they're sleeping. I learned that on that thing. So anyway, yeah, they could like together, together, they're fucking just going like this. And they kind of like are sleep, like subconsciously they know where they're going, but they're sleeping. So we jump in and I'm laying there, dude. And the water's doing this. And they're like, just put your head down. It won't be.

And we go out far. And my wife is supposed to be scared and she's fucking in. She's down. Dude, I had a full-fledged fucking panic attack. I had a full, I was in an out-of-body experience. I was an out-of-body experience, full-fledged panic attack, right? And I'm looking and the guy with us goes, hey, brother. He was like a Hawaiian guy.

He goes, brother, you good? You all right? He knew. Everybody knew. And I'm looking and the guy with us goes, Hey, brother, he was like a Hawaiian guy goes, Brother, you good? You're right. He knew everybody knew. And I'm just telling Stacy, Stacy's like, Paul, if you want to if you want to swim back, we'll swim back. He didn't give you the out, man. He yelled out in front of everybody. He should have been all right. He goes, Hey, brother, you all right? And doing everything and I looked in and it was like this fucking fish tank of the most beautiful fish I've ever seen. And then I came up and I was just like, I started panicking. I was like, I don't think I can get back. So Stacy's like,

Paul, you all right. I didn't want her to have a bad time. So in a full fledged fucking panic attack and you hear people, do you hear the sea turtle? You see the sea turtles? And I don't give a fuck. I'm like,

yeah, I'm ready to puke. It was a fucking nightmare actually. So Stacy, Stacy goes, all right, five more minutes. We're going to go back. And I can't

get back to the catamaran, dude. I'm trying. And I didn't want to be the first couple back. So I waited for one other person to go. And then we went, I took the flippers off. It took everything in my fucking body, dude. I took the flippers off and I just told Stacey, hold on. I ran downstairs in the catamaran. She came down me i opened the toilet it's going dude the whole boat heard me that the staff was still there drinking and i'm going and stay i was fucking sweating and like the whole night before i'm making fun of my older brother that he's gonna be the one puking that i never get sick puked all over this catamaran had the most miserable ride back they were telling us stories about the mountains, which I could give a fuck about.

And my wife was a champ, dude, but it was brutal. And I had a full-fledged panic attack. Hey, how many people do you think have lost their lives because of that male macho thing that you're supposed to, you know, you can't get seasick, you know, you can't say you're cold, you can't, you just always got to be like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Like how many people, how many guys have lost their lives because of the pressure that as a man, you always have to say that you're good. You want to do this? I'm ready to go. Can you get

in the game? Let's go. You got another round in you? Yes. Like there's only one answer to that. go you got another round in you yes like there's only one answer to that like dude if you were a woman you could have been you oh hey you okay you could be like no i'm not i'm panicking i'm not enjoying you just get it out and it's okay call me a bitch but when i'm i'll i'll go an extra couple beats but then i have to just then I have to go get me out. The fact that you still were that scared and you still were like, I have to let another couple come in first. I mean, what could have happened in that time?

Just because you, that, that, I'm telling you, dude, like, I used to do a bit about that whole thing. The male ego. I mean, that's something that fucking jerk off will dig up. That bit, that whole thing, the male ego. I mean, that's something that fucking jerk-off will dig up. What are you, an F? Remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, from back then, which was making fun of homophobia

and how that gets guys killed. To this day, dude, I'm telling you, I actually had a big breakthrough with my wife yesterday because I flipped out. I was doing something and I didn't allow enough time. This is what I flipped out about. I had a pair of shorts, okay, and the ones that have like the lining in it so you don't need any underwear, but the spring was already pulled out. So I couldn't tie them.

My dog's in town. I was going to take him for a walk. But if I had my phone and my keys in, they were going to pull the shorts down. And old Billy's junk was going to be hanging out. So I was like, I can't have that. So I took like a paper clip, tied it, and I was doing the thing. And then it came undone, and it started poking through the shorts. And I fucking ripped it out.

I'm standing there, by the way, naked from the waist down in my bathroom going, fucking cock sucking, motherfucking. Holy shit, right? I finally got it through, and I was able to be all right. So my wife told me, she goes, I got to tell you, you know, post-pregnancy and all that, I feel a tightness in my chest. Do you know what that feels like? I'm like, yes, I do, because I grew up with that.

I don't want to do that with you. And I was finally able to say, listen, you know when I flip, because the second I flipped out, my daughter goes, she'd be like, Dada, don't scream like that. That's what she says. And then I just go, you're right, buddy. You're right. She calms me down. So I said to my wife, I go, can you start doing that too? And she goes, you want me to say that? I go, yeah, if you literally just say you're giving me tightness in the chest, I'll be able to get outside. What I've read about is losing your temper. Back in the day, the Greeks used to think it was temporary insanity. And when you think about what you say and what you do, it is. So I go, it'll get me outside of it.

And she goes, you'll be okay if I say that? I said, listen, I've tried to do this myself for 50 years. I need help. I literally said that. And that's something that I've never said. And then she's just been like, okay, I'm going to do that. So we haven't done it yet, but we're going to try. But for once I got out of that male ego thing of like, I can't be the first guy to go back to boat. I can't be the guy who says he needs help. I got to be like- No, but I also didn't want to ruin her time snorkeling, which I knew she was afraid of, and now she's enjoying it. Well, I'm not saying you weren't a hero in this situation, okay?

I wasn't trying to make myself above you. I was just trying to say, as a guy, I love that you went there. It wasn't just me. Are you the type of guy in a fight? This goes for both of you guys, you two, all you guys. Are you the type of guy in a fight? when I fight with my wife I go like this like I need to end the fight because you know sometimes my wife will walk away and shooting my son is the same way where they walk away door closed need to

process it and and for me and my daughter that doesn't work I'm like no no I want dinner to be good tonight you know I want I want I want the next moment we have to be good because I don't like the looks I don't like the quietness and the awkwardness where I just go like I why are you crying? Why are you crying? Right? I'm not you know, and I told Bill a long time ago. I can't cry So when I yell at you, this is me crying. This is me now. This is me crying, but I can't fucking I can't cry You know what? Could you imagine if I started fucking bubbling up in front of my fucking what you can't do that right so they need to know that when we get mad that's us fucking crying marching up the stairs like they do dude that's like your god that's such a guy thing to be going to your wife why are you crying why are you crying like

with that energy it's just like it's so funny yeah i don't i don't yell why are you crying but i'll be like why are you crying i'm like let's just talk and then it's so fucking... I don't yell, why are you crying? But I'll be like, why are you crying? I'm like, let's just talk. And then it's like, when I start to get upset or excited, that's us crying. You know? I've never cried.

Have you ever cried in an argument in front of your wife? Cried? Come on. You have or no? She would lose respect for me. Yeah. First of all, would be so fucking weirded out. It would be something like Sal should do on Impractical Jokers. They would be so fucking, it was that time when we went to Canada

and we were playing that game, he gets emotional. I was playing this thing, we go in to get a dinner, and when the waiter would come up, yeah, I got to let you know, my friend, you know, he's 90% there, but he gets a little emotional. And then he'd be, oh, okay. And then Paul would go to order and he'd just be like um no dude we had that guy and it was just weird a guy crying is like one of those bill remember what bill was always great because he was like he would let me do it and no because we do we were on the road for 20 days and i go dude i'm gonna start crying when the waiter comes so just and bill like a fucking pro actor that he is

this fucking guy he was from taiwan and i go he brought me water and i go i just gotta you know it's like nobody gave me water and i just started fucking crying and dude bill just goes i'm sorry dude he gets a little he gets emotional nobody's ever given me water man the guy got freaked the out the guy just was looking at me like what the like but it entertained us but dude yeah you're right sex is over with your wife if you're like i just want to go to mike's house like you just start crying i can't imagine the i remember trying to go uh vegetarian for period, and my wife lost her shit. She's like, I don't live with a prey animal. What's a prey animal?

It's a fucking cow. It's a fucking something that doesn't. Oh, oh, oh. A fucking predator. If I started crying in front of my wife, ugh. I mean, I cry at movies and like I'll cry I'll cry like in a movie a sports movie, Time Traveler's Wife. If something like sad happens but in a fight if I just was like I don't have the words to express these thoughts so I'm gonna just do this and hopefully this will get me out of it.

I just feel like I'm not heard. Or, dude, they always go to their moms. Imagine you're like, I'm going to my dad's house. You're like, what the fuck? I'm going to my dad's. I'll talk to you later. You're like, what the fuck?

I love my wife when she cries. She looks so sexy when she cries. That's a whole other issue there, buddy. That just got weird. Oh. when she cries? That's a whole other issue there, buddy. That just got weird. Paul, I love reducing my wife to tears. No. I hate when my wife cries. When my wife cries,

I don't care if I'm arguing the spelling of my name and the fight's over. I've argued for years that they know that they know the second they cry the only way for you to Because I've done that a couple of times and the Oscar goes to I've done one of those Then that's just all When I first got married I I go, yeah, yeah, go up the stairs. Like, so ridiculous.

I'll tell you what. When my daughter's emotional, she gets upset, cries quick. When my son Lucas cries, he's 11, he plays ball, he's a good kid, he's got empathy. Like, he's the type that'll just stare at a homeless dude and want to know why he's like that and what he can do to help. That's who my son is. And when he cries, it's because he's hurting so bad. And I was taking our cat, Stanley, who's got diabetes. He went into a diabetic shock, and I took him to the vet.

We must eat with you, Paul. I bet he's got an ulcerated esophagus and fucking stomach too you gotta quit hanging with that cat yeah dude don't scare me anyways i'm kidding jesus christ i'm kidding now you may be thinking what about what i just did here yeah no dude and i told the kids i go you know say kiss stanley and and you know i I said, he should be okay. And my son, dude, looked at the cat and just fucking, he went up to him crying. And he just patted his head and kissed him and turned around and just walked towards his room. And I fucking told the lady, dude, I fucking, I mean, I'm keeping him alive. I told the fucking lady there.

She goes, listen, if we lose the cat in the middle of the night and you want to resuscitate, it's 400 bucks. I want to be like, bitch, I'll kill you for the fucking cat. Yeah, resuscitate. I don't give a fuck what it costs. And my wife got mad at me. She's like, you spent your $400 to resuscitate? I'm like, this thing's been in our house for 15 fucking years.

Like, where's your loyalty? We've had this cat since he's fucking seven weeks old and he's 15 now. Wait, do you gotta pay 400 bucks either way or only if they resuscitate? No, either way or only if they resuscitate no no only 400 only if they resuscitate but my the fact that they said do you want to do that and i go yeah and then i came and i did when i came home it was like ben stiller and meet the parents when he took the fake cat i just had the smile on my face and my kids were like stanley's back and i

was like yeah because that cry what my son got me, man. Sure. For sure. Georgia, my oldest, when she's about to cry, we can tell it in her face. So you can see, like, she'll do this thing where she'll go, like, and you'll be like, baby, it's okay. If you need to cry, you can. She'll be like, I don't need to cry. But we know it's going to happen.

And so it turns into such a shit show where, like, I don't need to cry. But we know it's going to happen. And so it turns into such a shit show. We're like, baby, if you want to cry, just cry. She's like, dad, stop. Stop. Seriously, dad, stop. And you can just see it happening, happening. And then just all of a sudden, do the worst, the worst. I'm almost certain I've told you this, Bill. So when we were getting to redo this house,

we were going to tear out the whole back of the house and rebuild it. And Georgia was dragging her feet and not cleaning out her room. And we're like, baby, we start construction Monday. Oh, God, this is a brutal one. We go, we need to tear out. We need you to clean your room. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so she goes in her room, and my wife's like, God damn it.

She's not doing anything. Go talk to her. So I go sit on her bed and I go baby we got it and she just looks at me bawling and she goes daddy once this room is gone my childhood is gone all my memories happened in this room and she's crying and I go huh and then she looks at me and she goes I love you so much daddy I love you so much I love being your little girl. And then she looks at me and she goes, you can cry if you need to, Daddy. And I'm like, just me and her staring at each other, sobbing, crying. I walked out and I go, fuck this construction.

We're not tearing down anything. I need this room. Are you serious? Oh, that's fucking awesome, dude. Oh, my God. That's fucking awesome. Dude, if my daughter said, Daddy, you could cry, I might go. I might go.

Yeah. That's a tough one, dude. Dude. I'm not afraid to cry. I don't give a fuck. A cry feels good. Right? Hey, I cried on.

Oh, remember when Opie had his show? Go back to that place. I'm not afraid to cry. I'll fucking cry right now. He goes, the cry feels good. Right? Hello. You asked us.

Right. I'm not afraid to cry. I'm not afraid to cry. I'm not afraid to cry. I'm not afraid to cry. I'm not afraid to cry. I'll fucking cry right now. And he goes, the cry feels good. Right? I love when you asked us. Right, you guys? It's okay. There's nothing wrong with me. I cried. Opie, when Opie had his show

when it was just Opie, you know, Opie's brain, I'm not shitting on Opie, but I've listened to him enough where I can be very honest. Opie's brain was very shock jockery so like anything crazy wow that's opie style right so we're talking about crying and i said yeah if i watch the end of time traveler's wife i cry and you know opie's like ah hey someone pull it up pull it up let's get it up there let's get it up there let's see what it looks like yeah and so i'm like i'm like opie it's not gonna be as funny as you think it is and

he goes no man i'd love to see you cry let's watch it you can find this video online they start playing the time traveler's wife and i start sobbing crying and they couldn't make eye contact with me it was so uncomfortable and opie's like just fucking turn it off this is not what i thought it would be. Yeah, dude. I can't believe you still able to look what everybody's staring at you. Oh. As a stand-up comedian who travels

for a living and if you party hard, if you watch The End of Time Traveler's Wife, you watch that movie and you watch The End of Time Traveler's Wife as a comedian, you will connect so much with that, especially as a comedian you will connect so much with that especially as a father that i dare you not to watch i dare i almost dare you not to cry like it's impossible it connects so much with our lives i mean you're lucky bill because i think you're

well you i mean you you can kind of dictate your schedule now but paul and i as young fathers were forced on the road it wasn't our choice it was like that was really exclusive the way you just said that and i feel like there's some ageism thing going on there i meant when we were when we were young not young age wise but when we were young fathers you're still a young father but when when we were young when we were fathers when it started we didn't get to pick our schedules we if the if the road was open we went on the road and so there was a lot of times where you're like fuck i've been on the road for like five weeks in a row but i don't know that work's coming up so you were forced to leave a lot and so when you watch the times of his wife i just do

when he comes out of the woods i am sobbing because i go yeah i never i feel like i miss my kids childhood i definitely feel like i miss my kids childhood because i was working but fuck it you know i don't have any problems with it i'm really cool with it speaking of that uh i think we're up against it here and i gotta go i gotta get in and uh help my wife with the little man. You're such a good dad, Bill. It fucking bothers me. Why? What do you know about me? But you're always there for like getting up for naps. Like every time I think of like you really enjoy being a dad,

I don't think I got the opportunity to enjoy it when I was younger. Well, because the other side of what you guys were doing was going on the road and missing your family was I was laying awake at night going, because I, cause the other side of what you guys were doing was going on the road and missing your family was I was laying awake at night going, Jesus Christ, doing the math. If I have a kid now and he graduates high school, I'm going to be this age.

Next year was this age. Am I ever going to figure this out? Am I ever, what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm 20 years behind everybody else. So now that I get the opportunity, you know, I gotta make, I'm going to make the most of it and plus i love it too i do i've done enough fucking stand-up i've done enough friggin shows um this is yeah here's what i learned here's what i learned never stay at

bill burr's house for a fucking weekend because you're gonna feel less of a father and a fucking dude i stayed at me and my wife go out there for New Year's Eve we did the fucking Orpheum out there New Year's Eve me and Stacy they put us up the great room it was a great time this fucking guy's up at 830 I hear fucking pots being scrubbed and he's fucking asking what people want for breakfast Stacy literally sat up at 830 now Bert you don't know me like Bill does I sleep sleep is my I'm a sleeper Oh sleep and I was like at least wake up you know 1112 you fucking 1112 when we went on the tour bus they would laugh when I got up I need to sleep my

wife sat up and she goes you should go in there and help and I go and I go it's a dirty and she's like he's he's clean he's doing dishes right now he's making breakfast we need to go to where she got up. I want to let Bill, can you tone this fucking down a little bit? Yes. Why the fuck would you do the dishes when you're a guest? I'll tell you what I did do was this.

I know Paul likes an over medium egg. So I like over easy, but I made myself an over medium egg for like the week leading up. So I had it down. I had it down. I had it down. Wait, do you let you – Over-medium.

Over-medium is difficult. Over-hard, over-easy is easy. Over-medium, to get it where, you know, it's got a little bit of consistency and then also oozes out. It's a tough one. You got to care, Bill. You got to care. You got to want it.

I go straight sunny side up, guys. That's lately. Sunny side up. I get nervous with that, I go straight sunny side up, guys. That's lately. Sunny side up. I get nervous with that. The rawness looking at the top. Dude, I was in a Colorado bar one time, and the guy goes, want a red eye? I think it was called a red eye. And I go, what's that?

And he goes, here. And he pours a beer, a little bit of Clamato juice, and cracked an egg in it. And he was like, let's kill it. And I was like, fuck it. And I murdered it. And it was, I's kill it. I was like, fuck it. I murdered it. I've never swallowed gum, but I can only imagine it's exactly what it was all in my

throat for the rest of the day. I was like, it feels lubed up. Okay, and with that... We got to have you on more often, man. This was great. Dude, man, I love hanging with you guys, dude. This is the best. Thanks for having me, too, man.

We got some cool stuff coming up, too, that I wanted to announce. So back in the day, Bert, I'm a guy that likes to call shit. Okay? I'm a guy, I like to make predictions. But more than that, I like to be fucking right. Okay? Bill will never give me credit for this, and we've gotten into fights, and I know we have to go here.

But a month into Robinson Cano's career, I looked at the kid. I watched him. All these – I watched him for a month. I go, this kid, this kid just has it. I called it. I said he's a fucking – now, listen, I did call Mark Sanchez a star. I was wrong. I got that.

Hey, don't do the Eminem thing now where you're going to call out all your bad calls so I got nothing to fucking refute. Go ahead. Okay. Go ahead with your roided up call as a fucking Hall of Famer that no one saw. Go ahead. He did the roids when he got the money, not when he was a kid. Anyway, I-

No Yankee, Dan, and fucking what's-his-face did it because he loved Jesus and wanted to get back to baseball. Fucking Yankee fans. Go ahead. Anyway, I like to call shit, right? So Bill would call me dude. I called it. Verzi, dude, I called it. So with that said me and the greatest podcast producer of all Andrew Thimless goes, let's do so we're launching a show called Dude, I Called It. It's a web series and a network. We're going to do finance, we're going to do sports, we're going to do everything. And we already have some episodes in the can, which

we're launching next week. We got Bill, we got Pete Davidson, we got Tom Green, a couple of these predictions. What the show is, is I have a celebrity guest come on, actor, comedian, musician, they tell me a prediction that they did in the past that actually came to fruition. And then at the end of the episode, they give a future prediction. And oh man, when you guys see Tom

Green's, it's I mean, there's a lot of great ones. Tom Green said some wild shit that was amazing. So we're going to launch the Dude I Called It Network. We're going to have different hosts for different categories. And it launches next week. Also, I'm so happy. I want to thank everybody, too, who subscribed. The new Paul Verzi YouTube channel is doing fantastic. It has stand-up clips of the Verzi Effect podcast, which all you guys have done.

And, Bert, I want you to come back on it. But the VersiEffect next week, we got Whitney Cummings coming on. So the VersiEffect podcast will be on there. Clips of my stand-up and my special will be on there. The web series, also some sketches. So check all that stuff out, man. You're doing good stuff in the pandemic, Paul. Congrats.

Dude, I built this fucking studio in it after i got sick after my family we had covid i was like i gotta do something yeah we all got it uh late march early uh april nice get it out of your system still bam this this room was a shitty just i mean I mean, wall falling apart, everything. And I told Stacey, I was like, let's just do something with it. So I gutted it. I painted it, turned it into this. And, oh, man, and I'll say this, which my dear friend Bill Burr,

attached his name to, also Pete Davidson, we got 7 million views during pandemic with, like, five or six different clips of my Comedy Central special And then we got the next one in the can. We're working on it, but all those clips are on the YouTube channel. And dude, wait till you guys see dude. I called it with some of these calls, Bert, you got to come on and tell me a prediction that you did in the past and one for the future.

I'm the fucking worst at that Paul. I kicked out a guy in my band cause he was too good of a guitarist and he started Creed in college. I'm bad at calling shit. Berzy's got some good ones, though. He said one time, he said, you know, I got a feeling Tom Brady's going to get hurt this year. And like two games later was that one and only time he ever got hurt, he hurt his knee. He did have some good ones. But then the flaw in Paul's game is that he loves too many shit-talking players, so he gets a lot of head cases, like guys who have a couple of good years. This guy, he's going to be a Hall of Famer.

He's going to win a Super Bowl. The next thing you know, they're throwing their shoulder pads into the stands. They're running into something. He told me three games in that Robinson Cano was another Robinson Cano. I've actually forgotten so many of your bad ones. You had a litany. A litany of bad ones. I can listen.

Three games in, he goes, this kid's a star. I'm like, Paul, you don't think he's going to have that rookie four or five interception? Nah, man, I'm telling you, this guy's seeing things. Horrific. Dude, what the fuck? i just bought this logitech camera and it's blurry now and it was clear at the beginning what the fuck happened logitech i think you i think you got back sit there it has to refocus on you all right we gotta wrap this up because i i gotta go uh i gotta go do the dad stuff here all right

thank you guys so much for having me, man. I had a great time, man. It was great, Paul. Thank you, man. Thank you so much for having us, for being on our podcast. And I never even got out to the fact he's wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Paul, dude, I called it. How do you think Tom Brady's going to do in Tampa?

I got it. You ready for this? What would happen if Cam Newton and and the new england patriots played tommy terrific and the bucks in the big dance we're going that's when we're going to yeah paul that's the most obvious fucking scenario ever everybody automatically thought that and i hate how you just did that big dude i'm telling this right now anybody knows that no i didn't predict. I'm saying how nuts would that be if we did that and went.

Could you imagine that? I got one for you. I got one for you. Ready for this real quick. I know you got to go. Who are you taking gun to your head if a 13-3 Cam Newton and Patriots come in with Belichick, 13-3, and Brady has a little bit of struggle with the new coach, but they get to the Super Bowl

at about 11 and 5 or 12 and 4 in the Super Bowl who you got gun to your head if Tom Brady has a defense I go with Tom Brady without a fucking doubt I go Bucks without a doubt Bucks yeah you know what Brady's more prepared for the moment than Cam would be and Brady's more consistent I think yeah I think so and Cam Newton fired off that whole tweet about lions and hyenas and fucking rhinoceroses and it's just like you know as he's going like I'm sick of being humble it's like aren't you the guy every time you score a touchdown you rip open your jersey like you're Superman but I love the guy though I love the guy, though. I love the guy. I mean, maybe it's millennial humble.

That's what I'm going to name my next special. He doesn't actually wear a cape. I'm actually hoping, before Cam Newton came to the Patriots, I was hoping, I wanted to see the Kansas City Chiefs, Mahomes, the new gunslinger, the future of the NFL,

up against Tom Brady to see if Tom could get one more. He's already going to turn Tampa into a competitor the way Joe Montana did with Kansas City. But Joe wasn't able to get him all the way there. And I think, I don't know. I've heard, I don't know about Tampa's defense. I've been hearing they're kind of all right. But Tom Brady, last year, the problem was

we had no protection. And all these idiots were acting like the it was his fault that he was he was on his fucking back the whole god dang thing they did that with eli manning don't even get me started paul with the fucking new york press with eli manning how many times does that guy have to beat belichick and tom brady before they actually think he's not a fluke never had to respect they fucking shit on eli manning his whole career. And you know what he did? You know what he did when they went on? And that fucking guy, Skip Bayless,

and I'm going, Eli, I'm not going to lie, man. Seems like luck to me. And you know what Eli Manning did? He gave a nice smile. He goes, yeah, it was luck, man. You're right. Fucking love that kid. Perfect.

He should have just won one and then wear a fucking fur coat. They never would have forgot about him. All right. I love Joe Manning. They never would have forgot about him. All right. I love Joe Namath. Check out Dude, I Called It. Dude, I Called It. Paul Verzi Effect.

Bert Kreischer. Andrew Themlis. That's it. Thank you again for watching The Build. Bert. Pod. Pass. Thanks for watching!