The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 24

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about meeting Presidents, wise-cracking kids, and places they could live.

okay talk talk talk there we go now it's on me hey what's going on everybody it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill bird pod fast never goes back to me there it is big podcast with dave portnoy last week bill yeah it wasn't how about uh like and then two days later he's talking to the president yeah why the fuck wouldn't he slide that in on us you know give us the inside scoop well because that's what makes him cool what did you think they had a they had a uh they had a little meltdown over it uh at barstool with big cat and uh and dave just going like i'm not running it by everyone i'm going to see the president it's it by everyone. I'm going to see the president. It's such a fucked up thing that going to see the president

all of a sudden, like the president, I know it's Donald Trump, but the president just divides everyone going, how dare you play golf with him,

Brett Favre? And I'm not sure. I think that the little that I saw, I thought Dan thought that they were getting used. Yeah, yeah um and and Dan Katz thought that they were getting used it's like hey man we just make people laugh here blah blah blah

I don't want to get involved in that and they sort of how it seemed the way he was presenting it was however they presented it to him was not the way it went down so I wasn't there I don't know I'm sure they're going to survive but uh you know personally speaking you know I I make up my own mind as far as who I'm gonna vote for so I don't think it hurts them that I don't know I didn't I also I also didn't see it so so I just hope that you know they put it all behind them and they keep cruising because I love that site. I do. I really do love that site.

And I love those guys over there. Here's the question. Let's do a three-parter, okay? A three-parter. A three-parter. You get offered to play golf with the president or fly helicopter. The president says, Bill, I'd like you to fly me in a helicopter. That's a horrible pitch.

That's a horrible pitch that's a horrible bitch okay hold on all right i mean it's a fantasy so it can be whatever you want but the bill the the president says bill i'd like you to fly me in a helicopter or i want to meet you i'd like to invite you and your family to the white house i'd like to play golf with you like you did with Brett Favre. And then all of a sudden, Brett Favre got lit up. Vince Vaughn saw him at a football game and shook his hand. Like now it's at the point where you're like, if you meet the president, if you want to not get assassinated in social media,

you just got to keep your hands down and be like, no, no. Like, would you take the opportunity to meet President Donald J. I wouldn't have done that with any president. Never? No. Well, hold on. That's crazy. You wouldn't, Obama, are you fucking kidding me?

No. What? You wouldn't, I would love to have met Obama. No. What about Ronald Reagan? No. Why? Why not meet any president?

Because then they fucking own me. And I can't do jokes dude what the fuck uh we had fucking steaks in the oval office and now if he's acting like a cunt i can't call him a cunt because he's got my number but what the fuck i know that's the thing about this business dude is and that happens a lot is that they bring you in. Once they bring you in and then you're making a little bit of money or you guys hung out,

you golfed together, you broke bread, then they're like a real person. So I really believe just as a comedian that you avoid getting into that because then then your act just gets like you know how are you gonna have your hot take if the guy's drone bombing a fucking wedding

i go over the obamas i can't make fun of him for that then he calls me up oh it was a mistake uh we thought they were terrorists but how the fuck he talks like jackie mason right and i gotta listen to him fucking, or then I couldn't have done the Michelle Obama bit. It was one of my favorite things I ever did. It was one of my favorite reactions I ever got from anybody. I mean, she was nice to your wife. We had you over.

Then I got to listen to that shit. I hate it. I don't have any fucking interest. I don't know how to run a country. I don't want to know how to run a country. And I don't want to rub elbows with those guys because then all of a sudden, you know, they're calling me up, you know, crying like some fucking asshole. And I got to listen.

I don't want to listen to it. So what part of like, like one of the perks, one of the things I like about being, uh, in the public eye a little bit is getting to meet like heroes, like the rock. Like if I can meet the rock, I would be like, is there anyone out there that you would leverage all your years of hard work?

Like all your years of hard work where it pays off and, and it gets to go like, Hey Bill, heads up, uh, fucking Chuck Yeager or someone or someone that excites you, like Larry Bird wants to have you out to the house to have dinner and play basketball.

Is there anyone that you would be interested in that you've been over backwards for? No, I mean, once you meet a few, you kind of get it. It's like, oh, this is just some fucking guy or some woman, and they had a dream, and they went after it just like oh this is just some fucking guy or some woman and they had a dream and they went after it just like me and then you sit down with them and they're like fucking out god they get this fucking itch i can't get rid of it they just become normal it's like i don't want to do that i don't want to do that i don't mind doing it on like a tv show or in a

movie i'd like to work with them in that sense but But I'm not saying I wouldn't want to go over to somebody's buddy's house, but like – But there's nothing – I have a really busy life at home, dude, with two kids and everything. I got my hands full with that. And to be honest with you, if I was over fucking Chuck Yeager's house the whole time, I'd be sitting there going like, I'm supposed to be singing the bare necessities to my daughter putting her as he's

telling me what it's like to go through the uh the stratosphere vertical but I mean no this um I think it's more more people um I think it was more when I was younger so let's go back in time all of those people they're all dead now everybody that i like is dead like who well most of the cast of the magnificent seven uh john bonham such an interesting person why huge fucking movies i'm just a little bit older than you. And it was before cable. How much older than you? We're practically the same age. No, we're not. I'm 52.

You're like 45. Bill, you were just a senior when I was a freshman. That's all. No, but there's a big difference, though. There's a major. You ever see Keith Robinson do that bit about black guys? Uh-uh. He says there's earth, wind, and fire black guysinson do that bit about black guys uh-uh he says there's

earth wind and fire black guys and then there's run dmc guys there was that thing where keith graduated and it was it was earth wind and fire and parliament and all that and then within four years run dmc aerosmith and all all i mean i don't know a shit about rap. KRS-One, all of those guys came out. So that, when it became mainstream, I should say, because I guess the Sugar Hill Gang and all that, before you fucking hip hop heads come at me, all right? No, you're right. There was the blouse, the blouse prints black guys,

and then there was the tight leather members only jacket black guys. like i remember this distinctly there was it was cool to be feminine for a second and like and then all of a sudden it was a different look i remember the look vividly you know whose look it was bill um fucking uh god damn it i just watched this uh a documentary on nfl networks about him and i was like god i didn't think he was that old uh randall cunningham Randall Cunningham okay Randall Cunningham was like tough but he was like jerry curls and a tight members only leather jacket and that was the 80s so clothes were tight in the 80s I will tell you this I I've been going through some pictures

um for that Patrice documentary and um I uh the pictures from the 90s it's some of the worst fucking photos i i look like i lost 80 pounds in every photo like it's just the most baggiest awful shit ever but getting back to that so when did you get cable? What grade were you in when you got cable? Late. It was late for us. I want to say I must have been – I remember hearing about MTV and shitting on it to my friends playing wiffle ball. So I would say fifth grade, sixth grade.

Yeah, fifth grade, sixth grade. I didn't get it until I was like in high school. Like I never saw MTV till I was like a freshman sophomore in high school. And then all of a sudden it came out. It was like, holy shit, what is this? But so there was no HBO, no Skinamax, none of that shit. So my generation, I grew up on the eight o'clock movie, the Sunday night movie. Yeah. And they would show Clint Eastwood, Spaghetti Westerns, Magnificent Seven, Bridge Over the River Kwai, Kelly's Heroes, The Dirty Dozen. I used to watch all of that shit.

And so it was this weird thing where all the movie stars I liked were from like the 50s and 60s because it took that long, I don't know, to get the rights to movies to show them. And all the movies that were coming and going, like I guess like in the 70s when like, you know, Travolta and all those guys were blowing up. Like I wasn't going to those movies. I was too young for that.

And then the 80s came along. And by then I got, you you know we got cable and I started seeing Chuck Norris Stallone Schwarzenegger movies Scott Face and all of that shit but like and that just like blew my fucking mind because where that was compared to what I had been watching on TV so so I grew up I just grew up watching all of those know, Henry Winkler was huge for me to meet. I met him one time. I did a podcast for a Bill Hader show, Barry. And that was a huge thing.

I had like, you know, Fonzie trading cards. And my goal in the interview was not to bring up happy days the entire time and just talk about barry so i had plenty of questions for bill hater plenty for uh the creator of the show and plenty for henry henry winkler and i was going to get through this fucking hour right so bill hater has a peanut allergy he sends somebody out somebody goes out to get him a fucking uh coffee and they put almond milk in it instead of milk. The poor bastard drinks it like his throat closes up. I mean, like the people can die from that shit. So he had

to go, you know, I don't know, do his breathing thing. So he doesn't show up. So now it's me, the creator of the show and Henry Winkler. And I got beads of sweat going. I'm not fucking asking him. I'm not asking him. And he was so fucking cool. And like 40 minutes in, I was finally just like, I'm sorry, man. I was like, I was trying not to do this, but I thought Bill was going to, I was really trying to go the whole hour without bringing up Happy Days and that character you played. And he went right into the character and basically said like, you know,

hey, you know, I can't do it. I can't do the Fonzie sort of that. Yeah, that jagged talk where he was like, I'm not upset because that character put my kids through college. And he did it. And everyone's just like, oh, my God, he's doing the Fonz. He was such a cool, generous guy. So as far as meeting people, like, how's it going to get better than that?

I met Henry Winkler. He did the Fonz. He was gracious. He was totally cool. And he's on a killer new show. Have you seen him on Barry, dude? Everyone's talking about Barry. We were just talking about, I just had a conversation about Bill Hader directing something.

And I was like, Bill Hader directs? And they're like, you have not seen Barry? Barry's fucking amazing. I love Bill Hader. Bill Hader, Drax, and they're like, you have not seen Barry? Barry's fucking amazing. I love Bill Hader. I think Bill Hader is the most, he's the greatest actor that you don't know

is acting. Like him and Trainwreck was fucking awesome. Trainwreck was a great fucking movie. His impressions? You ever hear him do the guy with the white hair? The guy with the white hair would be like, it was a sleepy town.

And he would always do that. Did you ever see him with the parrot, with the puppet? I never saw. So my daughters and I got onto an SNL tear of like, I think so many people shit on SNL, but they forget how many amazing sketches they put out throughout a season. Like sketches that are like the funniest things you've ever seen. Do you ever see Kristen Wiig with the baby hands?

When she pulls up the baby hands? I mean, she's like an all-timer. She's like up there with Will and Eddie. That's one of the things that really kind of bugs me when you hear people say that guys think women aren't funny or that people say women are funny. I would argue women have owned SNL for the past fucking 15 years. The women on SNL. Yeah, I'm not saying the guys aren't funny, but man, those fucking the women on that show are like laugh out loud so underrated is uh is um uh not amy poehler not kristen wade what's the oh yeah rachel dratch yeah rachel dratch yeah

debbie downer debbie downer is it's official I can't have kids. Yeah. No, all the way. But yeah, it's been. No, but I thought that they were great during Dana Carvey's era, too. I'm just so bad with the names. I'm bad with the names, too. The two women who were on during that, Anna Gasteyer and.

Yeah. Anna Gasteyer is gorgeous. And something hooks or something like that. And a gas that was later it was uh jan hooks julia sweeney um yep julia sweeney here comes pat is that julia sweeney no i just think i just i think people you know they get paranoid. Well, it's not complete bullshit. There's been like major fucking people that say women aren't funny. Literally just say it.

And, you know, I don't know. I don't agree with it. My wife's funnier than half the fucking comics I know. My daughter, Isla, is... Both my daughter. My daughter, Georgia, I told you, I was buying running shoes. I don't know if this is just

because their dad's a comedian. I don't know if it's because they're my kids or because I'm a comedian that they maybe speak up when they shouldn't in times of an adult. I was buying running shoes. It was during the pandemic. I had to go out

and get running shoes and i georgia with me so we go into a running store and uh and i said and i know i'm like in and out right mask on and i go over and i go can i get these a6 and a size 12 and a half and he goes uh sure thing what are you going to be using them for and i look at him i go running and he goes running and then ge then Georgia goes and a little bit of lying and I just thought I thought wow that's a that's like a that's like a ball busting comet brain but that must have got a good laugh right uh guy didn't guy wasn't laughing I man he wouldn't laugh at all he just kind of walked away and I was doubled over I was like god damn it that was, God damn it, that was good. But yeah, that old adage of women aren't funny just had never –

the second I got into a comedy club, I remember sitting back there and going – and one of the first comics I saw was Sarah Silverman. She did that licking jelly off my boyfriend's dick joke. And I remember going, not only do I have a crush on her – like one of those – when a woman makes you laugh, all of a sudden you're like, oh, you own a new space in my heart. Like you got territory on me. Like when a guy makes you laugh, you forever go, I love that dude.

That guy's fucking great. But for some reason, when a woman makes you gut laugh, as a comic maybe, you always have like a subtle crush on them, you know, where you go like, I don't know, there's something different about them, you know don't say yes yeah no no i i if i made somebody that a woman that breaks balls yeah that's it like because where i came from that's like showing uh affection says that you like somebody it's also what can be done in a mean way so i don't know who the fuck knows?

What, I watched The Good Guys. The Good Guys? Is it The Good Guys we were talking about? Nice Guys. Nice Guys again. I want to run this theory by you. Is The Nice Guys

an homage to Abbott and Costello? Well, definitely when he's, when he sees the dead body. Yeah, without a doubt without a doubt that is uh i'm trying to look up this actor's name nice guy's cast ah shit who is it is it john boy no the guy the guy who plays the blue guy oh wow he was great man fucking unbelievable that movie is bill that you're the one that turned me on to that and i watched just a full nap is that i hope i said his name

right dude that guy that guy is a beast he's a fucking beast i've seen that movie like six times and the way russell crowe and uh ryan Ryan Gosling play off each other. And I thought Ryan Gosling doing that thing when he saw the dead body was like, I just was like, this guy is a student of comedy. Like he is showing, he's going all the way back to the forties. That was Abbott and Costello's heyday, you know, black and white stuff all the way up to right now where you know you know you look at some of the comedies from 40 50 years ago and

people would like deliver a funny line bye bye you know they really get it now you're like you got to act like you're not being funny he could do all of that and then Russell Crowe that the register he was talking in when he was bringing his voice down almost like a monotone was killing me when he just had the brass knuckles and he punches that dude in the face I don't want to ruin it for people but that that's a

on the road movie like back in the day you know when we'd be on the road and every once in a while I'd get like a tour bus like that was like the highest compliment for a movie. And when that thing came out, I was like, dude, that's in the rotation. We're throwing in Anchorman, Goodfellas, and then we're watching the Nice Guys.

Yeah, incredible movie. Did one of those guys come on your tour bus? I was in Atlanta when they were shooting Anchorman 2, and I'd gotten to know Dave Koechner. Yeah. So he invited us over there. And I've told, haven't I told this story? I don't think so.

I think I did, yeah. Andrew's saying, yeah. No, he did like that old school hello. Like we walked up, they brought us up to outside of his trailer, and he just burst the door open like Kramer. And he's a big guy. So he's standing above us and it's me and Jay Lawhead.

He had never met Jay. So he just burst the door open. He just goes, the man, the myth, the legend, come here. And he starts bounding down

and I'm like going, oh my God, this guy's going to hug me like a grizzly bear. And right as I put my arms up to hug him him he walks right by me and just bear hugs jay who he had never met and buried his face into his neck totally committed to it and like it was just such like an old school silly thing to do yeah and uh we would dying laughing and then we ended up yeah we got to go down to the set and they were actually doing a a news piece so when when will ferrell showed up he was totally ron burgundy he had like the uh like the this crazy looking suit on and shit

it was nuts the whole thing was nuts um yeah that was a great then we played the tabernacle they came out and we also went to the nca finals that I believe Louisville won that year. I mean, nobody had more fun doing the fucking road than I did back when you could do it. I was just a sports nerd. Did I tell you what I had lined up for this year as far as sports? No. I was going to the Masters on Saturday and Sunday, me and like four of my friends. Then I was going to a MotoGP race, the motorcycle racing

in Austin. I was going to the Kentucky Derby and I had gigs around all of this. I was going to the Kentucky Derby and then I was going to go to the Isle of Man race in TT, the TT race. I had that lined up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Isle of Man race in the Isle of Man. Yeah. The Isle of Man race in fucking Rhode Island. Dude, Isla and I just watched a documentary on that the other day.

That is fucking insane. That's dangerous to go as a spectator. Yes. Everything about it is insane. That's dangerous to go as a spectator. Yes. Everything about it is insane. Tell everyone that doesn't know about the Isle of Man race what it is. It's a motorcycle race that's held, I think, over two weeks. There's all these different classes and stuff. And basically, they've had more people die than years that they've run the race.

And they're just on these country roads going like 200 miles an hour, which is like what a three, 320 kilometers. They just flying and they'll fly right through town. And there's like people just standing on the side of the road and they're just going like, like these people are insane. They're going to get fucking decapitated and they're going to kill the guy on the side of the road, and they're just going like, these people are insane. They're going to get fucking decapitated,

and they're going to kill the guy on the bike. And it's a little like Irish village. It's not like – It's not Irish. It's not Irish. Is it Welsh? Is it Welsh? No.

They're their own deal. They're their own deal. There's Great Britain's here. I got to do it this way. Great Britain's here, And then there's Ireland. It's in between. But, but, but, but, but perspective wise, if you're hearing this story, I don't want you to think it's like, uh, like, like, like, uh, like a town in Alabama. These are like old cobblestone, like little, little like brick walls that it's just, it's cow paths

that they paved over. And they're just, I mean, there's just tree line streets going like, you know, 200 miles an hour, 180 miles an hour. And then they get into town. I saw one, one year, the guy came into town and he went over the hill and his bike went airborne. And then there was just the side of a store that was looked like it was out of Lord of the Rings, like all stone.

Yeah. And just boom, splat. You were going to go to the race? Yeah. I've been trying to, I've been, yeah, I've been trying to go with a buddy of mine forever. So it started off, I went to the college Super Bowl this year, saw Joe Burrows and LSU win it against Clemson.

That's the game Vince Vaughn shook hands for half a second with Trump you were talking about earlier. I was at that game. And so that was the beginning of this run I was going to do of really cool venues and going to all of these crazy sporting events. But whatever. I mean, it's not like they're not going to ever have them again. It just kind of got derailed. All right, everybody. This one's from Thera1.

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not if people aren't going to do what the what they're fucking telling you to do you're absolutely not going to i think but you know we never got rid of aids but we came up with something where you can manage the disease and live a very long time. So that's what will end up happening. I mean, I don't think that you ever really cure a virus, do you? You don't really stop a virus. It can burn out if you quarantine people. Look, I mean, there is a way to do it, but everybody would have to get on board.

And human beings, generally speaking, just seem to like to argue. You know, it's funny coming out of me, huh? Met a dude this weekend. We took the girls on a road trip this weekend in a Winnebago. So I figured I can stay safe on the tour bus. I toured the country. And we're doing another tour. We're doing another tour just to give everyone a heads up.

We're doing another tour through Drive're doing another tour just to give everyone a heads up. We're doing another tour through drive-in movie theaters in August, starting August 8th until August 20-something. So I believe you can be safe. I really do. I'm proof that if you wear a mask and you kind of stay zero contact, you don't get in people's faces, don't touch a lot of things, I'm a little obsessive and compulsive, but you can be safe.

I am proof that the mask fucking works. But get to this dude ranch we're gonna go ride horses with the girls do a sunset ride and i see a guy who's a fan he's a fucking listens to rogan listens to us listens to my podcast and he sees me and i have a mask on and he goes oh come on you're not one of those maskers are you bert and i wanted to go yeah like why aren't you like I wanted it's pointless because they they are convinced that doctors don't know what they're talking about but the news program they watch does and um look it's it's both sides' fault. Both sides politicized the thing, so it stopped being a medical issue. It became a machismo. You're a fucking pussy.

You're wearing a mask. It became those kids. It's not a mask. It's a muzzle. I love that. Well, take off the, okay, well, what do you have to say? What are they stopping you from saying? And the whole thing is just, I don't know.

Like, look, I love a conspiracy theory, but to think that the entire world got on board to either help Trump or get rid of Trump, depending on where you sit on that thing, or I don't know what. Fucking, man, I just saw Charlemagne Tha God talking about Biden. Fucking, ugh.

This is, I'm like giving up. Why would you listen to that guy? He's not like a political pundit. He's a smart dude. He's a smart dude. And he's any, and Bill. I'm a smart dude, but I don't know shit about politics. What, what, what, what, what do you have?

Some inside scoop? No, no, no, no. I just, no. I like to take, I don't get a lot of different perspectives in my life you know I mean when it comes to people of color so well-rounded fucking I'm horrible Bill so I like to listen to guys that I don't guys that have different perspectives and to hear someone like Charlemagne Tha God who i respect say i hope i really like your vice presidential candidate because i fucking hate you go like god damn it if he feels that way

then a lot of black people must feel that way and that bums me out that a portion of our country is feeling disfranchised even more disfranchised than they than they did like their one hope makes them feel like shit too it just but Everything about 220 fucking bums me out. Like I just go, come on, man. Let's get fucking, I'm so ready for a cure. I'm so ready for a vaccine. I'm so ready for fucking something. And I want a Democratic candidate that everyone has hope behind.

And I want everything. I want to go to a concert. I want someone to spill a beer on me and look at me and go, bro, my bad. That's all I want everything. I want to go to a concert. I want someone to spell a beer on me and look at me and go, bro, my bad. That's all I want, my bad. And I go, don't worry about it. Like I fucking want everything back. Dude, I'm like losing my shit, Bill.

It's been a bad week. No, no, I've been there. I would like it if everybody stopped watching CNN and Fox News. And I would love it for the government to come in and break up those two news channels and go back to regulating ownership of media. So we're not listening to two people's fucking opinions. And they have that level of influence to the point that people listen to their news channel before they listen to doctors. Bam. Yep. Try to get me to say that fucking thought

that clearly again. I want a revolution. And I want it to be someone that takes down twitter takes down those and goes guys we will give you the news this is fair and these this is the truth and it's just impossible impossible like picking a form of government that isn't corrupt yeah like people's idea of like communism god communism social i mean on paper you know it's a cool fucking thing but you're not everybody like as far as my limited limited understanding of socialism is everybody kind of has the same right is that what it is just hanging it okay there's always going to be somebody taking more oh somebody there's always going to be somebody taking more oh there's always going to be that person taking more and and just fucking everybody else because

human beings are inherently flawed they're just inherently fucking flawed and corruptible and and then that's just regular people Forget about people who are born missing some empathy and ability to give a fuck about other people. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so fucking sick of talking about it.

Let's just talk about some dumb shit. I'm bummed out that my daughters are getting older. It really is bumming me out. So tell me some cool baby shit. Like, like I'm already kind of looking. One of the advantages of being an old dad is listening to all you fucking guys who had kids when you're supposed to have kids all regretting going, man, I should have been

there more. Oh, they grew up so fast, dude. I'm, you know, make sure you take it in. You guys are like that dude in that fucking, avenge me! Avenge me! Hanging under the chain link fence as your kids are going off to college.

I just had a moment this weekend where I said, I'm fucking done. I'm done. I can't wait till I find my second wife and start my new family. And I'm going to do it right this time. You get a do-over? what's going on with me i'm learning to uh braid my daughter's hair and it's like the greatest uh father-son interaction we

could be having really like uh like like legit braider hair like cornrows and stuff yeah well i mean you start simple yeah so now i'm working my way up to like a french braid and then stuff like that and like you know doing the whole thing spritzing it detangling it combing it out and all that shit and we just sit there talking to each other she's like a little girl in her hair salon and she seems to really be enjoying it and i gotta tell you man i if i keep doing that i'm not gonna be you know in 18 years being like, it goes by so quick. Make sure you're fucking. I'm going to be sitting back going like I took, I did the whole thing.

I took it all in. Because that is the one great thing is I have been home every single day of my son's life. I have not missed anything. And now he's smiling. I'm telling you, the kid's got a vibe, dude the kid's got a vibe dude kid's got a vibe really yeah i said to my wife i go he's got a vibe because yeah he definitely has a vibe he's chill and he already knows what he wants he's a chill dude man oh do you are you guys nickname people? Yeah. Yeah, we got some.

I keep those to myself though. Cause that's. No, no, I'm just saying. Oh no, we got a bunch. We have nicknames. We have songs. Oh, we're songs. We were big song people.

We were big song people. Like making up your own little songs for inside the family. Oh yeah. I got one for my daughter when she's taking a bath. Cause she was whining and And she's, like, doing all that, and I just started making up this stupid song. I was like, take off your shirt, take off your pants,

take off your underwear! Just thought it was the funniest thing ever. But now every night when she goes to take a bath, she goes, Dad, Dad, take off your pants, take off your underwear! We used to love when they'd say a word wrong, and then that would become the new word for that. Pie-Z was our favorite.

Are we getting Pie-Z? And we go, what? Pie-Z. I want a slice of Pie-Z. And you went, oh, pizza? You know what? My family, the youngest one in my family, we came up with a catchphrase that we used to say

when someone would say something to you uh you know like basically that was like you know sort of a clap of thunder you just go i would just go me up bert so me up meant meaning what yeah my little brother didn't know how to say it i was thinking about my sister i can't remember he didn't know how to say it and my dad used to always do that he'd be like well you know so uh i forgot my books today when i went to math class and then he would look and be like meaning what bill meaning what i uh got a zero for the day. So we used to imitate him over just dumb shit. Going, meaning what? We used to imitate him.

My dad's such a character. So my little sister wanted to be like us. So she would look at, she'd say, me up, Bose. Because she couldn't say Bill. Yeah. Yeah, and then we all said each other's names the way she said them. And to this day, like when all said each other's names the way she said them and to this day like when we text each other we text each other in the pronunciation of the youngest kids pronunciation

of all of our names like 30 40 years ago it's fucked oh that's i love those that's what i when i was in i think i guess i'm maybe high school i felt like i felt like i i felt like my family wasn't cool. And I'd look at other families and go, God, I wish my family was as cool and as fun as other families. And then one day it switched. And I think it was my youngest sister, who we realized was like the energy of our family. And she, she would just grab things. And we had an uncle who would, it was very, very very wealthy and we'd go visit him but his lifestyle wasn't conducive to like kids and so he used to call us he used to call us big

team like he was just very like i love this guy and if he ever hears this i don't want him to think negatively but he would like he would be like uh all right team, we got brunch by the pool, and we're going to do some Bible reading, okay? And so he'd be like, all right. And so he'd leave, and then my little sister, Cotty, would go, all right, big team, can't wait for this Bible reading. Who wants to read first? And so we'd do that, but then as Disconnect, and I hope he doesn't ever hear this and think badly about it,

but he would then have a bottle of Chardonnay because he would want Chardonnay at brunch. No one drink but we'd all get chardonnay and we'd be like wasted and kati my little sister kati go i love being big team this is great i'm 15 and lit so my little sister would be the one that would be was kind of like the energy that connected all of us because her inside jokes were always fucking hilarious. Like, and I, you know, and then one day I just, what's that? I would say we used to, one of my brothers had a boom box that had the double tape, you know, so you could record. Yeah.

You'd have like ACDC and then make a recording. He one time recorded an argument my parents were having with Led Zeppelin no quarter underneath it. And it just meshed together perfectly because that song starts off so slow and creepy with the keyboard. And then when it builds to the crescendo, that must get true, you know,

and bottom comes in. I'm not into my dad. I'll tell you what the fuck I ever got fucking married. Dude, we've been asking him for 30 years. He goes, I know I have that tape somewhere, trying to find that fucking tape. That's the other thing too about um when i think about being a kid was how fucking funny my family was how funny everybody in my town was and just how funny i don't know just the entire greater boston area it was just like i don't know what it is about the east coast because i feel like new york down to philly is the same way it's just everybody is fucking hilarious yeah but actually pittsburgh's that way i think cleveland's that way i i don't know what it is there's just something about uh i think you gotta you gotta have a major city

and you need four sports teams and if you have that for, then there's just going to be like, I don't know, there's going to be like that sports vibe. So then it becomes the locker room vibe, you know, breaking balls, learn how to take it and your ball's busted. And then everybody just sort of becomes like funny, I think. And cold weather too. Cold weather is a big one too. There was something when my cousins all grew up in philly and there

was uh um i think what you need to be funny sometimes is like a really not caring if you're funny like just being funny like someone who cares too much which happens a lot in the south like in the south and i obviously i grew up in the south i'm not shitting on the south but one of the things in the south were like, uh, like old stories you'd heard a hundred times. They'd tell it 111 times. Like I met this guy, I met this guy. He did the funniest fucking thing. He goes, we went to a professional fishing tournament one time. I don't know. It's long, but he comes up and he goes, uh, you're special.

And I said, I am. And he goes, I, I can notice special when I see special old man but I want to do it in his accent I hope this isn't cultural appropriation he's like I there's something I want I see special in a man's eyes and a young boy I know special and I want you to know that I know you're special and I got this coin and it says the coin says given to one special person he goes I made this 20 years ago and I swear to God I said when I find the guy that I just think is gonna do big things I'm gonna give it to him and I got it and I went sir I can't tell you how much this means he goes don't mention

but he came and comes up and he goes you're special and he pulls another coin out of his pocket he had 20 coins in his pocket and we watched as he gave them to other people like and we were crying laughing to watch the response on they're like i am special but like that's like a old southern man thing to do where like they tell the same story almost a hundred times and then they work on that story it's it's the difference in comedy a little bit but i know you're saying the ball the quickness people are hilarious yeah southern people are hilarious but it is a different sense of humor a little bit it's just like a different rhythm but like um what i like is a super smart Southern guy, but they still speak at that pace. Yeah.

So it's still, it's like watching this overhand when they trash you, it's like watching this overhand right coming for a minute and you still can't get out of the way and they get you right on the jaw and you're just laughing your ass off. I've had, I've had, I don't know.

I've had a really great time touring all the way through there you know college football and all of that shit I don't know dude I think it's gonna come back I think I think I think there is something I remember when I got to New York I felt like everyone was moved I felt like I jumped into a game of double dutch and everyone was already knew how to do the double dutch. And I remember being at the Boston comedy club going like everyone's so quick. Like you couldn't say anything on that front stoop without fucking nine jabs hitting you. And then you were like, I don't know how to defend myself. Like this is, and I, and I remember someone saying,

welcome to New York. And I just thought this feels like Philly like I remember going to this place called Norristown in Philadelphia where my cousin Abe lived and it was predominantly black neighborhood and his buddy Quate who had an amazing influence on me he had a brother Dante Durante like they had all different versions of it they were the a family the tays and the tays okay i remember quate and his friends or maybe his brothers were just doing the dozens and busting my balls your mama's and they were like things i couldn't even like i was like didn't even make sense your mom is so broke she drives a low router milk trike like and i was like what like nothing made your mama's your mama's got a spoon taped here and a fork taped here and he's like this and like you're just like i was like what like nothing made your mama's your mama's got a spoon taped here and a fork taped here and eats like this and like you're just like i was like i don't have any of your mama jokes

ready like i have none i just i just got home i looked at my mom i was like what the fuck wrong with you i remember yeah boston comedy club though that was uh i never i never worked a place like that ever like that no i used to be terrified, fucking terrified of that place. I used to walk by it during the day and just looking at it, my stomach would get nuts because the comics were so good there. And you had that thing where in the back of your head, way in the back, you knew you were going to get in there. And you knew you were good enough if you just get over this fucking fear and you go in and no one was really

overly nice they weren't mean but they just were like doing their own thing and then the people running the room frosty and all of them used to deliberately put you on after Red Johnny and the round guy like a tell they would they would try and bury you your first time down there and that was like their big thing because they wanted to see if you had the balls to fucking hang down there it was like a real um sort of like um a rite of passage with like a little bit of hazing. It's one of those things that you couldn't do it now. No. Because people would be out in front of their cell phones. I just want you to know, I just came down here to do a spot

and they were so mean to me and blah, blah, blah and all that type. You really couldn't. It'd be considered like a, I don't know, like just a toxic environment. And it was. It was. By the way, I was about to go, it was definitely a toxic environment.

It was, but like how much, what a feeling of accomplishment though, to somehow get in and actually have a good set. Because dude, there was guys, there were comics who used to hide uptown. They went down there once or twice, got their balls handed to them. And they just said, fuck this in state uptown. And,

um, I remember there was like, there's always a divide. So when I was first came down to New York, it was like, um, there was sort of this, this,

the, the uptown comics look down on the village comics. Like these guys are crass. They just say, fuck every other word and blah, blah. And we were, and we did. But the thing was, is we could go up and do their clubs and some of them couldn't come down. Not all of them, but there was like,

like the most elitist out of all of them, but there was like, like the, the most elitist out of all of them were the ones that ate their balls the worst. So they kind of had like this, you know, sort of attitude. And then somewhere along the line, the alt rooms sort of took that elitist sort of vibe that reached, really reached its peak in like the 2000s yeah when when they just really thought that they're you know i i whatever the fuck they were doing down there evidently was just so much beyond my shit and dick jokes um i don't know i remember i remember seeing i remember when i started you could go to um some of those alt rooms would let you pay five dollars and go on stage or like surf reality or collective unconscious i loved surf reality i saw some really genius genius out of the box thinkers like dudes who i remember going like i know

nothing's gonna happen with this guy but god damn it he's a smart dude i remember seeing a guy and this is i mean obviously i think people go we're gonna be outraged by this this guy but god damn it he's a smart dude i remember seeing a guy and this is i mean obviously i think people go we're gonna be outraged by this this guy was like alt as fuck the alt the altest alt dude i've ever seen and he did a set in a clan outfit this has got to be 99 right and he came out from and he was wearing a clan outfit and everyone was shocked and he was like guys before i start my set you have no idea how hard it was to get this dry cleaned and he did a set with no but it was just like so different I said the same guy did a set about traveling to Japan and experiencing toilets that shot

water in your asshole like this guy was really brilliant I wish I knew who this guy was but I can't remember there was a guy yeah he went on stage in a full nazi outfit yeah it was like that it's like you could do shit like that and people understood that he was just fucking around i remember his joke his joke was something like he comes on stage he's like he's like yeah they say six million jews died in the holocaust and everyone's like what the fuck he say six million Jews died in the Holocaust. And everyone's like, what the fuck? He goes, oh, yeah.

He goes, name one. It was just like, what the fuck? It was like his opening joke. And then he just plowed ahead. And it was like, I forget what even like the vibe of that was. And then what's-her-face used to come through? Sharon Needles? Remember her?

Whatever the proper name is. It was a guy dressed as a woman. Yeah, I don't remember. And her stage name was Sharon Needles. And I just remembered I was in the back of the club with Russ Meneve, and we didn't know this person, and they brought up, please welcome Sharon Needles, and it both hit us, and I remember we both looked at each other and just started fucking laughing.

Yeah. I mean, I already loved the act just by the name, and to me, that was alternative comedy, and then what happened was like anything. It just kind of became like a formula and it kind of got leveled out. But early on, like when I first came to New York in like 95, 96, there was shit like that going on down during the week at the Boston Comedy Club. And then there was Luna Lounge, which became eating it i can't remember what

but surf reality had some really like crazy like someone would go up and just do a piece of a one man show of just super toxic crazy characters it was fucking wild and it was really like do you remember becky donahue yeah i remember her sure becky donahue you remember Becky Donahue? Yeah, I remember her. Becky Donahue. Becky Donahue was roommates with Reverend Jen, who ran Surf Reality, right? And Becky Donahue came up on... This joke has made me laugh so hard since I heard it.

Just one joke that you never forget. She goes, I slept in all day. I haven't done anything all day. And I got out to go down to the bodega and there were feathers from my pillow just sitting on my stomach. And I knew people were going to look at me and go, oh, we know who you are, chicken fucker.

He's just like, they were really, Brody Stevens. I met Brody stevens at surf reality and brody's first uh first joke i ever heard him say was popular movie 10 things i hate about you i'd like to start off with 10 things i hate about me i've got hair on my cock not at the base halfway up the shaft yeah i remember I think I first met him late night at the Comedy Cellar. It's amazing how much all of that has changed.

When you go to the Comedy Cellar now, the Comedy Cellar is like a celebrity. It's famous because it's been in so many TV shows now where before it was like this thing you had to know about. It was almost like you had to be a kid going to NYU and be hanging in Washington Square Park and be like, hey, you know, there's a fucking comedy club around the corner. And there's this guy, Dave Chappelle,

who goes up because I remember Dave was like the guy, even way back then. Yeah, it's just sort of becoming – the cell is still great, but it's like a – It's like the store. Yeah, the comedy store is famous now. Yeah, comedy store. Which it sort of was, and then it went away, and then came back. It was like Travolta. It had its first run, and then now it's having its Pulp Fiction run.

What do you think about what's going uh going on out in uh yellow springs with chapelle have you been following any of that um i just heard about that it looks so much fun camp chapelle where it's like mo hammer michelle wolf donnell rollins and then a a bevy of like his hip hop star friends like Common or or Talib Khali or like all those. Everyone's just hanging out there doing shows in a field, socially distancing, and then Donnell cooks every fucking Sunday and has a barbecue. And everyone's, and Chappelle's, so Chappelle's footing COVID tests for everyone. Everyone gets COVID tests. Like every day they're getting COVID tests.

That's crazy. He really has done him. And I know this is not your strong suit to talk about a guy like Chappelle, but you have experience with him. You've known him for a while. When you see this part of his personality that is really like this, like, I'm really going in my own lane. I want to live in Yellow Springs. I want comedy to be the thing. Like he really has put a thumbprint on the way he's decided to not only live his life, but work this business. Like, I don't think he cares a ton about money or celebrity or any of that.

Did you see any of that when he was younger? I didn't really get to know him too well until I did this Chappelle show. And by then, he was like, you know, I mean, he was like you know I mean he was like huge so I mean I was I think when I came to New York I just sort of stayed to myself it was like I'm just gonna try to be funny and get in at these clubs and all of these guys that I'm in awe of I'm not gonna to bug them. And if they see me on stage and they like what I'm doing, if they come up and say hello,

you know, or if they talk to me, you know, like David Tell was always nice. Chappelle was always nice. I would talk to them, but I had, I always had like a respectful sort of distance thing with all of those guys that like, um, from basically Louie's generation of comms, because they was just so much better than I was. Nick DePaulo, all of those guys, Colin, all of them. I just sort of was like, all right, these guys are on a whole other fucking level. And I'm just trying to figure out what bullshit I'm bringing down from the Boston scene that actually works three states away which wasn't a lot um and so I I had sort of a lot of stuff to think about

but I definitely um was he went on the set of Chappelle, was he... I know this sounds silly, and I'm sure I already know the answer, but was he like, someone was like, hey, the numbers were up last week. Or like, cared about... Like, it really seems like he does not have a care in life. And that he just... He seems like such an authentic... What you said about the all scene, where it's like all of a sudden you watch

everything kind of come become the norm Patton does it really well and and Sarah does it really well and and Paul F. Tompkins they all do this the thing differently and then all their all the young kids the open micers just kind of replicate what they're doing and then that scene kind of just goes ah it's not really that interesting anymore same thing with with with the reason those guys started the alt scene like marin and them is being david cross is because they were doing a scene where it seemed like everyone was doing the same thing and they went different chappelle just seems like how many clubs got stale so they wanted to have a place to stretch out is how it worked and then they ended up creating a scene where people could start a career there. So, yeah, it was, you know, it was a cool,

it was a cool thing. But what Chappelle's doing seems so authentically, originally him. And I go, you know, and then you look at, let me take that from the top. Take it from, how do you feel about Chappelle? No, but we had to edit something out because I just told a secret. But so, no, don't worry.

Just take the edit out. Let them guess what we were talking about. It doesn't fucking matter. Just take exactly what we need to be taking out, taking out, and we'll go back to it. But it is, I think it's, if I say i'm very impressed with day the the way dave chapelle's running his business the way you've run your business the way that you do comedy is so different both of you two are so different than the way most comics do it most comics think

my agent knows the answer whereas for whatever fucking reason so many people go i'm doing it differently i'm i'm to do it my way. And it's just, I don't know what my question is. Fuck it. No, I know what you're saying. No, but it's become a business where now you can kind of pick and choose what you want to do, how you want to do it, where you want to live. But when Dave first got his place, and he's been there for like 20 years, I feel like when he did that, that was really unheard of. It was a handful of people that got to his level and then went back to a

home state or a state in the middle of nowhere. Like, I've got to be honest with you. Like, state or a state in the middle of nowhere like i i've got to be honest with you like if there was a way that i knew how to do this business where i could live in the middle of nowhere um well you would uh i would miss you guys that's the thing i would just miss comics too much and then i'd have to sit there and be like all right um'm either going to go hang with Bert and all those guys this weekend or hang with my kids. I mean, then I got to make that fucking decision. I like that my kids and all my comedian pals all live in the same general area. But I definitely have a fantasy of a regular house near a lake or on a lake. You know, this year we went to a Clemson game in Death Valley

and we stayed in this really cool little house. It was right on this amazing lake that we actually could have taken a boat right up to the stadium. It was like this really long sort of connection of a bunch of different lakes. different lakes. And it was just, um, a pace of life that, uh, I haven't experienced since I moved to New York. So I moved to New York in 95. So I'm 25 years of being basically in like the rat race, you know, and living in some of the biggest cities in this country and giant fucking airports, LAX and JFK and all of that shit. And there is something like, you know, there's something you can know. There's really something to be learned from people that live in these so-called,

you know, East bum fuck. It's just like, it's like, all right, so what? So it's East bum fuck it's just like it's like all right so what so it's east bum fuck what because they they only have like two movies there as opposed to 24 but they also they don't spend like a significant portion of their lives sitting in fucking traffic yeah breathing polluted air and shit like that like there's definitely you know and you know the deal dude if you want your brain to shut off you need alone time and quiet which is is not something that you can do a lot of the times living in places los angeles chicago uh la but the excitement of living there that's the trade-off you know what i mean the fact that these amazing bands will come you know they come to where you live you don't have to drive six fucking hours to go where would you where would you move where if say say they say that Fauci comes out right now and says listen coronavirus isn't gonna it's things aren't going

back to normal for another 10 years uh no movies no television no nothing so whatever you got to do if I don't have to take any of my family into consideration okay yeah give me that one and then give me the other one give me both and then i'm gonna give you answers i would um i definitely go back to boston i would live outside of boston in one of those uh one of those really cool towns that i don't even know what the names of them are that like every once in a while i'll go on zillow and be like look at that fucking beautiful house what's the name of that town and then they got this little place where you can get ice cream

you know they got like a dairy farm like i'd either do that and if i wasn't gonna go back to massachusetts um i like milwaukee and i like chattanooga, Tennessee. I'm a big Tennessee guy. I can't stand Nashville only because it's like LA traffic. It's just fucking, it's just too many fucking people. Like there's these really cool towns that everybody knows about, and that's where the fuck they go. So like Milwaukee is Chicago without all the fucking people. Yeah. You can still get a house right on the fucking lake. You can play way less.

And if you want to go to Chicago, I mean, it's not that far a ride. And plus, you know, I like Miller High Life. And they got a great cigar bar there. One of my favorite couple of theaters is there. And then one of my favorite fucking hotel with the best steam in America, the Pfister Hotel. Spelled P-F-I-S-T-E-R.

It's an old family, German family. I don't know what the fuck it is. You should drive to the steam room at the Pfister Hotel. I think I'm gonna pass. I swear to God. The Pfister Hotel. It's fucking amazing going to pass. The Pfister hotel. It's fucking amazing. And then there's a theater.

I forget the name of that's right down the street that has one of the coolest green rooms. It's like a bunch of pinball machines. They cook for you. The people show up. They're fucking awesome. And I love the Milwaukee brewers from back in the day when I fell in love with that team in 82,

when they made their run and unfortunately lost to Ozzie Smith and the Cardinals. But I loved Robin Yount and Ben Ogilvie and Vukovic with that Fu Manchu. And I loved those uniforms. And George Scott, who was a great Red Sox, also played with them. And we did a lot of trades. Cecil Cooper played with us and played with Milwaukee. And I missed the winter.

Big 10 football. There's a lot to love. Is that with your family or without? Well, it's super fucking white out there. So, you know, with my wife, I think I'd have to, she'd be more towards Chicago. I don't know. I don't think she'd want to, I don't think she'd want to live any of those places.

Really? She likes New York and she likes LA. So let's say, let's say you had to, Monday morning of next week, you had to surprise Nia with a new home in a new city. By the way, I can't even buy a fucking present for my wife. I've just told her now, you will never get a present from me. You go get yourself something. I'm tired of failing. I'm

tired of failing and you telling me I failed on a day we're supposed to celebrate you. So if you want something, go get it. I'll be very happy to pay for it. How does she say when she said you failed? What does she say? Oh, Bill, I got her. she said she said she knew she told me exactly what she wanted for her birthday it was it was one of her birthday it was a valentine's day valentine's day i fucking hate that you shouldn't even wrap it and so i'm sending you on an errand she no she bill i listened it wasn't even that i listened she said you said, you know, I'm, I'm absolutely lovely, loving these tracksuits, these, these sweatsuits from, because we went, I bought, I bought her and the girls all matching tracksuits to go on a vacation for the flight, right? So they were

really comfortable. They're called, I forget the name of them. That's a great dad move. Yeah, right. So she says, she says, I really love that tracksuit. I wish I had another one. She just said that in passing. So I thought, Valentine's Day, I'm going to get all my girls a nicer version of these tracksuits. Like a nice version. Now, I'm a fan of velour. So I bought them each.

What's wrong with velour? Nothing is wrong with velour. There's nothing wrong with velour nothing is wrong with velour and i buy nothing wrong with velour it's one of the most comfortable fucking uh fabrics out there and more expensive so i thought you know what i drive down valentine's i drive down to to venice to get these i wish you could remember the name of them um they're really great i go down to venice i pick up three different color velour and i and i knew the types that my daughters would like like isla i got a pullover extra large black hoodie velour with black matching pants that didn't even but and isla was like whoa this is perfect for georgia i got a uh a green your daughters loved it got georgia earth green and for leanne i got her a

gold she has always said don't buy me silver silver washes me out i'm gold i've always worn gold so i heard that that's old school memory so i give her a gold velour track suit and she looks at it she goes it's ugliest thing i've ever seen in my life and i go hey that's not what you say when you get a present when you get a present you say thank you but like you didn't you said this is the ugliest thing I said I just spent the whole day in traffic I said I'll never I'm never buying you a present again and she went no that's not what I'm saying no I go no no no that this is how that works when you do something nice for someone and then they shit on it you don't want to do something nice again so I said for in the future if you want something by all means get it for yourself

but you will not catch me spending an hour and a half in traffic on the 405 to get to venice to get you a present only to be shit on and she was like why what was i supposed to say so was i supposed to just go hey thanks yeah i say you thank you it's great you lie yeah and then never fucking wear it like all the presents you've gotten me that's what you're supposed to say and so so i like i just i would never be able to predict a place to live for my wife and i wouldn't try ever ever ever like ever i said what about tampa oh all the women there are stuck up bitches i'm like i grew up with them they're not that bad she's like i couldn't i'm not tampa burt i'm not tampa it's like she's from fucking georgia what about georgia what about

alabama no i'm not gonna go live with all those those are all the people that never left i'm not going there georgia And she's from Georgia. And she would not move back to Georgia in a million fucking years. I'm doing a show in- I'm glad she wasn't born in New Hampshire. His daughter's from New Georgia. Can you imagine banging a chick named New Hampshire? Oh, New Hampshire.

chick named New Hampshire. Oh, New Hampshire. Oh, Illinois. Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland. Where would you buy a house for Nia if you had to? On Monday, evacuate LA,

all get new houses. Oh, and you have to get out of gotta get out of here oh fuck yeah that's a no winner I'll start I'll start very easy near a beach does it need to be near a beach definitely has to be near

a coast okay okay south or north east or west yeah can't be a Trump state. Yeah, right. She doesn't need that headache, all those fucking people screaming and yelling at her as she just walks down the street. It's not that bad.

Huh? It's not that bad. I was just in Arizona. But yeah, I know what you're saying. Oh, yeah? What was your black experience when you went there Bert you fucking idiot it's not that bad I was just in Arizona as a white guy they treated me fine no I was with a I was with an Asian family and uh and we pulled up to a beach and we were like no one's at the beach this is

great beach in Arizona that's an amazing thing how did you do do that? On Lake Havasu. Lake Havasu. We beached our tripod up on a beach. And we're sitting there. My daughter's, my buddy's wife is Asian. He's Asian. His daughters are Asian. And then we get Oreo'd by two boats with Trump flags on them. And for the first time, I was actually, I mean, and I know that not every

Trump supporter is racist, but I know that a lot of racist people also happen to think Trump's got a bunch of good ideas. And so all I'm thinking is one, one sideways comment of like, of course, that's why they're, you know, just something like go back to your own country. I've never been really sensitive, as sensitive as I was until that moment. So I understand that Nia could feel the same way, seeing flags like that. But all I'll say is that both those boats were both very nice. Yeah, we like being here in L.A. where they pretend they're not racist. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not shitting on, you know, it's just,

it's just one of the things that I've learned is that there's limited options and people are not thrilled when you, you know, when you get outside of cities, if you move in and your family looks a certain way and that's a fucking real thing, man. That is real and it's fucking. And everybody acts like it isn't, but it is. So, but what are you going to do?

That's how people are. I don't know. There's a lot of places I love, though, that I would like. I'm fascinated with the Redneck Riviera after I read this Ken Stabler autobiography. Ken Stabler. Bill, I've been wanting to talk to you about Ken Stabler autobiography. Ken Stabler. Bill, I've been wanting to talk to you about Ken Stabler for fucking three weeks. All right. Let's talk about him.

Ken Stabler. Now. The holy roller. Dude, I'm obsessed with Ken Stabler, Dodging Dan, Dodging Don. Like all those old school scramblers. They made. Don Meredith. Oh, was he... No, it was Roger the Dodger. Roger the Dodger, I'm sorry, you're right.

Roger Staubach. Kenny was the snake. Jim McMahon wasn't too much of a scrambler, but he made the game fun. Those quarterbacks I believe are the predecessor to what we're seeing now with black quarterbacks where the game has changed entirely.

They were talking about an offense that was established. I'll get you the guy. I'll get you the guy right now. I just spaced on his name. Denver Broncos. Denver Broncos first black quarterback there you go there we go marlon briscoe that's the guy you want to watch you watch marlon briscoe in the late 60s you see the nfl today yeah and it's fucking great and they you know he was basically the uh he was a quarterback in college

he came to the pros they said you know we're gonna make you a wide receiver he said no give me a chance it's a fucking movie somebody's made a documentary about it so they made him like third or fourth fucking string behind like a punter or something to become quarterback. And as luck would have it, you know, everybody got injured. So they put him in and he had like two or three, 300 yard gains. He was fucking running down the field.

He was two minute offensive moves. It was a game. They don't want the fuck to do with this guy. Yeah. Right. And then the next year they drafted some high-touted white quarterback, never got an opportunity, and then he became a wide receiver. I have his football card from 1972 when he was on the Bills playing wide receiver,

probably with a young Joe Ferguson, if my memory is right. So Marlon Briscoe was the first guy. That's the guy that really showed the future of the NFL. And, you know, they didn't think black quarterbacks were smart enough. They didn't like that they ran around. I mean, even Doug Flutie's career suffered tremendously because they couldn't handle that he ran around. They wanted him to stand in the pocket and he couldn't see

and he would roll out. But the guy was a winner. He won in college. He won in the CFL. He came to the NFL and he couldn't see and he would roll out. But the guy was a winner. He won in college. He won in the CFL. He came to the NFL and he won then too. Ken Stable, the snake. Bill, I'm obsessed. I read the paperback version of that.

I'm obsessed with this because there's a part of this and this is a little bit of a stretch but where he played like his personality was in real life you know yeah like I love those guys it's like the Brett Favre's where he who he was on the field it could it just permeated everything well how about Alabama they had Joe Namath and then Ken Stabler, like two of the great, greatest quarterbacks of all time and two of like the greatest personalities and fun guys. Did you ever see that, that whole thing on when Joe Namath had a bar with Mickey Mantle and somebody else, I believe. And they called it Bachelor's Three. with Mickey Mantle and somebody else, I believe.

Yes, yes. And they called him Bachelor's Three. And there was too many, like, you know, mob guys hanging around. And they were worried about gambling and that type of shit and them getting in their ears that they made him shut it down. And Joe Namath said, well, fuck it then. I'm going to retire. It was this big thing during the offseason. Like, he just stuck to his guns he's like no it's not

right this is outside of football but i totally understand though pete rozelle was right he was right because of what happened with baseball in the white socks in 1919 and it was the white socks i hate that they called the black socks because for the longest time I thought that that was a team that folded afterwards. It's like, no, it's the fucking white socks. They did that. Pete Rose getting to the Hall of Fame. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. But the thing, he has no one to blame but himself. Yeah. He came clean and he just had his hat in his hand. I remember when he finally came clean.

It was all right. I gambled on baseball. Now let me in the hall. And it's just like, but that guy, um, I met him when he was signing like autographs and stuff. And he was just like,

so fucking into baseball. He loved it and everything. He just fucked up. He had a, but I definitely think he paid the price. I understand why they gave him the death penalty is because that's the number one rule that they say, do not break this. This almost took down baseball early on.

You just can't fucking have it. And they had to make such an example of it. And then it also didn't hurt that the Commissioner Giamatti passed away after it and it was sort of like it was really fresh I believe the suspension so I think a commissioners after were afraid to go back against that because it was the wishes of a dying commissioner who they all respected um so i don't know but i think at this point he's paid the price it would be i think it would be vindictive of baseball to wait till after he died they made their point you know what i mean and i think you know that you're going back at this point 30 something years it was like 1989 31 years Jesus as far as I know nobody's gotten busted

doing it again I think everybody has saw what happened to him you know the greatest hitter of all time and he's you know arguably and uh he certainly has the stats but um now he's got to sit outside like a fucking casino selling autographs i think people like all right you know i i believe in forgiving somebody you know i mean letting them try to put their life back together just had a whole conversation about trust about trust and breaking trust and punishment and reward i just as a parent what are we talking about as a parent i can't talk about it but yeah i had to yeah well then don't because you with your loose lips earlier in the fucking horrible bill i've been biting my tongue all fucking day i had a rough fucking week bill i can tell yeah i just i just noticed it. I just noticed it.

You seem like life kind of kicked your ass this week. Life kicked my ass. Yeah, life dealt me one where I woke up this morning going, literally thought, I don't know if I can do podcasts this week. And I got to be honest with you, man. This got my mind off it. And I'm so much happier so thank you for this oh good good

listen part of being a husband and a father is at some point you have to give up on the hope of appreciation you have to find the humor you know what you are you're basically on a sitcom you have a living

room you guys all gather in there you're on a sitcom you basically created your own sitcom and you are you are not the star of the show no that's it okay it's the civil shepherd show mixed with a bunch of urkels and you're that guy who's gonna get written out um it's been a great episode man thank you for doing this i literally i was in a shit fucking mood and i uh and i i i've giggled know, people always say like, you know, comedy, like try to take down comedy. And I tell you right now, laughter can definitely get your mind off shit.

And if it did that for anyone this episode, I am as appreciative as they are for this podcast. Yeah, dude. Hang in there, man. It's going to come around. I guarantee you, your wife feels bad. She's going to... Although, I guarantee you, your wife feels bad. She's going to...

Although, you know, I don't know. I'm so fucking jaded. I don't even know if they feel bad as much as they can't. She can't handle that you have control right now. Oh, it's not even that bad. You know what it was? It's a combination of a few things. I'll share one thing with you.

I posted it on Instagram today. Oh. Yesterday. I don't want to get you in trouble here, dude. No, no, no. No, no. We had a rough family week with some stuff. And then at the end of our trip, we found out we had to put down Priscilla.

And so we drove home. Is that one of your kids? Sorry. I had to go for the joke. It was just easy. No, it's our bull mastiff and so we put down yesterday and it was been uh and so uh it just man it's the first time i've ever done something like that and and as a father look at your kids hurting and and then and then you to hurt and it

just uh and i literally out of curiosity how old were your kids when you got the dog? We got the dog nine years ago. Georgia was four. Ottawa was two and three, four and three. Yeah, see, because, yeah, my daughter wants a dog. Oh, Bill. So I'm sitting there going like, all right, I'll get a dog. But I have to time it out where when it dies, you're going to be able to emotionally handle it

like you can't get a bulldog when your kids won i wish i had thought that far ahead getting a bull mastiff they only live 10 years max right so we got nine years out of her which is more than enough she had five knee surgeries but uh but i know i went over there was a great dog what i loved about those big dogs is it thinks it's a small dog it just comes over and just plops down in your lap yeah man we talked about that yesterday we talked about when you came over and she we used to call her teacup bull mastiff because she didn't know she was that big and she came over we were doing a podcast and she just sat in your lap and i go priscilla and you go no no no let her do it it's fine i don't mind and then i got that great picture of you and priscilla yeah man it uh it was a rough fucking day it was a really rough day

and uh and but and i woke up this morning i was like i should i i gotta i don't know if i can podcast today like wherever we all have been crying for like 24 hours and then uh and then we started and i felt fucking great and so i and i and i really honestly i thought to myself this morning i went this is what podcast and comedy are about is to get your mind off the bad stuff going on in your life and get your head out of your ass and just giggle and i did so thank you all right well now you got me thinking about when I had to give away my dog. All right. This is just going to become – look at that.

The light went out. The light went out, Bill. The light went out. All right. I think that's it. Well, I'm so sorry about your dog. I hope you guys, you know, get past that, get another one. Next week.

Next week I'm getting a puppy. Fuck this. I don't like bad feelings, Bill. Yeah, that's what you got to do. You got to get that rebound dog. Rebound dog. The dog's sitting there going, I think they love me, but there's something weird going on here.

They really are familiar with the name Priscilla. Why the fuck do they keep calling me Priscilla? Yeah, that's how we always did it. A dog died, and like two days later, there was another dog. Yeah. Yeah, you had 48 hours to cry about it in your bed at night just doing that shit and then like yeah and that that was fucking we had dogs we give them the same fucking name

the second mike mike the second mike the third And then they were all the exact same breed. You couldn't even keep track of them. It was like that Sam Rockwell movie, Moon, where they just bring another guy in. All right. Well, sorry about the dog. Sorry to have everybody out there if you lost a pet. That's fucking brutal. In a lot of ways, sometimes it's worse than losing a family member.

It's fucked up as that is. Yeah. All right. This has been another episode of The Bill. Hurt. On. Fast. Thank you.