The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 26

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about California, mean people, and adrenaline activites.

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Why won't it go to me? It's on you. Now it's on me. Okay, now is it back on me? All right. Yeah. Hey, what's going on, it's bill burr and it's time for another wonderful edition of the bill burt pod cast cast yes how are you cast when uh so when are you leaving to move to texas bill everyone's moving is everybody moving everyone is fucking moving everyone is moving who's moving

joey diaz is moving to new jersey he's ending his podcast he's ending your church is what's happening now i just read an article saying they're they're done uh i mean i've got confirmations that two other dudes are moving. Rogan's moving. Well, that's everybody, man. Three comics are moving. They might as well turn out the lights out here. Yeah, right? I'm not moving.

How do you feel about taxes, Bill? Because it seems like they want to crank up our taxes to 16 percent are you one of those people that goes like well that's my duty is i pay the taxes are you one of those people that goes how do i get out of fucking paying taxes no i just pay them and i you know i wish i would say that if hollywood wasn't out here and then i was in a different state but the reality is is if ho Hollywood was in Texas or in Florida, the amount of people in Hollywood that trashed Trump, he would have gone after that state. I mean, he fucked this whole state that is as long as like from New York City

down to South Carolina because of this much of LA. And that's what a lot of people don't understand is that LA is like, you're near the Hollywood sign and it's just like, oh my God, transgender bathrooms. You go 20 miles down to fucking Orange County and you're at a neo-Nazi fucking meeting.

It's like this, what is in, how big this state is. You got everyone from the Mexican border to Murder Mountain up in Eureka. You got like San Francisco, the way it used to be, all liberal and everything. And then you go a little bit in Sacramento, completely different. Just cage fighters. Fresno.

Every behind the scene gang thing I've ever seen is always seems somehow you end up in Fresno with that guy with the distorted voice. Like I remember last time I did stand up there, I just kept doing that voice, yo, Fresno, motherfucking country. You know, they always got that thing. They always like showing the guy's face. Yeah. Well, my favorite thing was they black out the face, but they just, they don't distort the voice.

Like, if I don't see your face and you just start talking, I'm not like, gee, who is that? Oh, I know that voice. Where can I place it? I tried to write a sketch one time. A tornado came through Atlanta and just destroyed Atlanta. And I was stuck in my hotel because it just devastated downtown. And I was trying to do a sketch where I had set it up so my face was blacked out, but I had a very distinct,

like the stories I were telling, everyone could tell, oh, this is who it was. And then someone, like I was like, I kept trying to think of like a very, like this is not Joey the Nose. But then when you turned, you just saw a big nose. You're like, oh, that's Joey the fucking Nose, you know? So I was trying to-

I remember a sketch show a long time ago. They did one where they had like the black circle where they would just edit this black circle. And the guy dropped his pen and he reached down to get it. And then you saw his face and he went behind. And then he talked for two more seconds. And then he got shot and he died, which is funny. But then you think about it, it just like well because he went there they then knew where the hotel room was it didn't quite make sense but it was it was still funny though

the uh yeah i i i think i think it sucks that the taxes are that high but my dad's always been one of those guys because this is your your obligation as an american is to pay taxes you don't try to get out of it you don't try to fucking swindle them. You pay your taxes. You do your fucking work. Eat shit, cash checks. That's always been my- Yeah, you can't swindle the swindlers.

I mean, look, if I, I don't know if, if I understand certain people that are just making crazy, crazy amounts of money to not um i mean i i've i've i've known a few guys like i don't know i don't want to do that i don't want to get involved in that but i'm trying to figure out how to say this but it's just like one of those things where it's just like if you're going to get a bunch of cash in whatever business you're in yeah then there's a few states that if you move there where back in the day you could

just have a po box and you were fine but now you got to be like be there taking selfies you know you gotta prove that you're there and um yeah i know people that are are writing out contracts in states they don't want to be in to you you know, keep as much of their money as they can. Have you ever looked into how to have an offshore account, how that works? No. How do you do it? It's so fascinating. Well, what these, you know, they say this guy makes 1.2 billion a year and he pays $0 in taxes. The easy way to explain it, especially if I'm explaining it, is basically you start a fake company in an island, whatever, in the Caribbean or whatever, where basically

the IRS has no jurisdiction. And then what you have is whatever you're doing, that company bills you for all the money that you made or you work for them. So all your money's there. But the IRS over the years has been able to start chasing these companies. But then what you do is then you create another company and that company bills that first company. And you just start doing that all around the Caribbean or whatever, all these islands and countries. So with each time the IRS has to knock on the door of the government, hey, you got to help us out, blah, blah, blah. You just make it so much red tape. And with each one of those places you go to, you're peeling off a little bit of money to that country for

their corrupt people. And you just go all the way around. And then the last company gives you money in the form of a loan, which is not taxable, that you're allegedly going to pay back. And then the company then forgives the loan. And then that's how you can, you don't still keep all your money because you got to bribe people as you go through. But then the last one, the money that was initially in your hand and went all the way around the world comes back in the form of a loan, which is not taxable. And then you don't have to hide your money and you can right in plain sight have this giant, you know, out in the Hamptons house with cars and cocaine and all that cocaine. But you know what I mean? All of that type of shit. And that's basically what they do. And, and, um, considering the

whole thing is like a Ponzi scheme, uh, but we're all, we've all bought into it. It is funny to me when they go after the people that are like, can you believe they're cheating these cheaters? I can't believe these lion pieces of shit are lying to these lying pieces of shit i mean but some of the money that these lying pieces of shit take does go to you know fixing the roads and stuff and uh i don't think any of it goes to the public schools it seems so but like that just becomes this whole thing where like i would rather just get fucked so i can sleep at night you know what i mean just be like can you believe it took all of this money what the fuck but i i don't have the uh the gangster gene where i can just sit yeah come and get me it's all fucking legal you know yeah oh i don't i get i'll be up at night yeah i would rather be able to sleep at night so I just uh you know the end of the year I just have

you know I pay quarterly and no matter what I give them they still at the end of the year got to come in and just ruin my fucking Christmas and I go down there and I just I say every curse word I can I just sign the check and I gotta go fucking take it you're fucking you know what are you gonna do with this you're gonna be happier than me so yeah so so then it's crazy because I think not a lot of people how many people you think are working in America right now a lot so not as many I mean we're on the road right now? A lot. So not as many. I mean, we're on the road right now doing the tour of drive-in movie theaters. We were in Amarillo. No one.

Business has not changed at all. No one was wearing masks when we saw it. It was like insane. And like people just working at a Walmart, no mask. I mean, it was like fucking insane. I didn't see that. The guys did.

But so who's not working then is it just us no it's no people there's definitely people that are are laid off but like no like there's a bunch of jobs that got lost but a lot of my um a lot of people we've just sort of learned how to work from home and there's a lot of businesses thank god so the whole thing didn't collapse have been able to you know work from home and and and or do like those little pod things you know of quarantining so you know the fact that the banks aren't going to give you a break really makes people like they're going to keep the flame lit under your ass to work so what i'm wondering about them is this is like the first

like this is going to be like everybody's going to lose so they're going to lose money too it's just i know the whole thing is just really uh it's really scary. But I'm glad that people have been resourceful and figured out ways to make money. But like, I'm not excited by how many small businesses are going to go away forever. But that did happen in the Great Depression and new stuff came back. I mean, I know, you know, my grandparents lost their dry cleaning business. And then they started it up again after the Depression, then World War Two wiped it out and then they started it up a third time and then they hit pay dirt. And it was just like. I mean, that's. That's life, man. It sucks. This whole thing is like this, like really this year, it's. year it's um you know i'm really trying to figure out a way how to do a show um because like anybody else i have a mortgage and i was smart with my money but i didn't i don't have money to never

work again you know what i mean so it's like you know i i have to get back out i also have to like i can't like not do stand-up so long that I forget how to do it. So wait, so what's, what's your parameters about doing a show live? You, I heard you talking. That no way anybody can get infected.

Cause it can't just be, well, I'm safe. My thing has to be that two things like the crowd can't, there's no way for them to get sick unless they go out of their way and be idiots. And number two, there has to be a certain level of quality of the show. I was just talking to somebody.

I was doing the King of Staten Island DVD Blu-ray. It's coming out with a bunch of extra scenes, deleted scenes and shit. I was just doing a whole little hour-long you know press call about that and one of the last people i talked to said they went to a virtual reality show whatever whatever the whatever the hell you call it the zoom show yeah zoom shows and was talking about how the comedians could see his face you know they do that like basketball games and you're like trying to make a miss a foul shot yeah i mean i just think it'd be the weirdest thing ever for like a person sitting there and they're like trying to make them miss a foul shot. Yeah. I mean, I just think it would be the weirdest thing ever for like a person sitting there,

and they're going like, yeah, what's up with your family? Your house sucks. You know, just shit. It gets like way more personal. So I think I'm going to do... Your house sucks. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do a Zoom thing.

I'm going to go out and be live in front of people if there's a way to do it. There is a way. There's lots of ways. There are lots of ways to do it. And I think other people are coming up with other ideas that I'm hearing about where I go, well, that seems – my biggest problem, my biggest problems are, number one, you cannot control Americans are going to behave whatever they want

to behave. Like you can't you it's the whole problem with comedy clubs spacing it and saying these are half full rooms well you may seat them the way you want them seated but they're going to fucking move wherever the fuck they want to move and and that's the problem yeah it's it's ignorance meets arrogance. It's just like, I don't know what point they're trying to prove people on both sides have died. I just don't, I don't get it, but I am really starting to buy into this, this thing that, uh, our enemies are trolling us on social media and dividing us because the fact that we can't get on the same page with a virus,

this is a really bad thing. And I saw this guy was trying to bring this up on TikTok, going, you shouldn't be on TikTok. That's owned by the Chinese government or something crazy like that. And then just somebody wrote, boomer alert. And it's just like, well, there goes that point. Everything you used is pretty much made in China. You know, like that type of shit.

And it's it's like, guys, we are at each other's fucking throats. Yeah. Which. Oh, my God. The continuing saga of that stupid Ellen story. Well, when the when the celebrities came out to defend her. The shit that regular people were saying, it's like, how do you guys not see

that you're the ones acting like what you're saying these people are acting like? Like the fucking, the rudeness. Oh, I'm gonna listen to this guy who did a talk show one time live at a SeaWorld the way they treat those fucking whales and it's just like dude who can fucking no one can survive a vetting no no no no nobody can it's like you only have to go so far back to find a mistake you only have to go so far back to find

hypocrisy yeah you know at this at this fucking point i mean obviously you know what i mean you know like the big shit like raping somebody i mean most people you go back you're not going to find that i get that yeah this fucking bullshit now where you're just going to go up to you're going to go off to mean people that's what that's what i mean where does that go oh yeah i don't i never understood the what what i don't i never understood what ellen did other than maybe she's just an ultimate bitch on set she doesn't like to hang out i don't know i've never seen her friend of mine said the greatest thing about that oh don't talk to me don't look at me they say it's called conserving energy i gotta do five of these a day and if you're her the amount

of people that are just going to talk to you just so they can talk to you to say that they talk to you to try and you know move their way up the ranks um i can't say this guy i'm not going to say the person's name but i heard you know on one of my tours that I did, that this famous musician, he had the best way of handling this. He would wear a hoodie backstage. And if the hoodie was up, it meant don't talk to me. I'm getting in my zone. I'm wiped out from the road. If the hoodie was down, you can come up and talk to him. So then he didn't have to be rude. All right. And people didn't have to get into their feelings. He come walking in, you saw the hoodie, you left them alone. And I don't think that people understand that it's the same people that will trash you if

you have a bad show that it's just like, listen, man, if I'm starting to feel sick, if I'm just fucking burned out, I just need to quiet so I can go out there and make sure these people who spent their hard-earned money laugh their asses off and feel like they got their money's worth. And if the sacrifice is I'm not going to talk to you about how I'm enjoying Columbus, then so be it. That doesn't mean 100% that I'm a dick. It's when I go, do you know who I am? You don't talk to me yet. Then you're a dick.

But if it's just like, hey, I'm fucking, you know, in the middle of a tour here and I'm fucking exhausted and I would just like to just sit here with my breadsticks in silence before I fucking go back out here. I have a splitting headache. I'm eating like shit. If I have one more quesadilla, I miss my family. I would like to have some alone time. You know, I don't think that that makes you a dick. And I can't imagine like, if you do a show like hers, the amount of

questions that need to be answered every fucking day, you have to insulate yourself. And in a way to survive and to keep your battery life up where it needs to be, you have to do a little bit of that type of shit. People always talk about how this person on the stage changes but they don't address how they change. Where it's just like all of a sudden people who weren't interested in talking to you are way more interested because they want to pitch something, they want to get something from you. So, I mean, I don't know.

I've worked for mean people before. I don't think that they should lose their job. And there's no way I would go talking about it on social media. Do you think that one was a joke, that guy? Was that just somebody making fun of the whole thing? What was that? When I was 11 years old.

It was like 40 years ago. The guy's like 52. Ellen was mean to me in New Orleans. She said I was fat and made fun of my shirt or something. That had to be a joke. It had to be, but they were reporting it, at least the way it was sent to me, as though it was real. It was like, yeah, that had to be a joke, yeah i they fired all their all the executive producers i guess for some of them for

you know what's so funny is like sometimes an innocuous joke in the knock i don't know what innocuous means means like a bullshit joke like something that just is like uh like apparently there were two black chicks that worked there that one guy was like, had a hard time. He would mix up their names. And then I think, what I think people don't understand sometimes, then that guy takes that joke and that becomes his running joke. But he doesn't realize it's dehumanizing two people. You know, that every day they're like, hey, I get the first time you couldn't tell us apart. But we are people and I am a different person than her. don't just we are the only two black chicks we both happen

to have braids let's not just make this a running gag and i think sometimes with white guys especially older white guys that are in charge i think i it's it's i i think lighting up shit like that's good lighting up the guy who goes up to the fucking christmas party is like hey who's gonna suck my dick in the bathroom and you know that's good but just you can't just take my thing is intent is as obnoxious as that guy is if he's not aware that what he's doing makes those two people feel that way okay then if there should be something where it can be communicated and then at that point if he keeps doing it, then he's an asshole. There you go. Was it omnipotent? Is that the thing where you have to understand how everything you do affects everybody? There's also another side of it,

where the locker room breaking balls thing makes the day go by faster. And when I was growing up, there was the guy who couldn't take it. And then if you could take it, you were a good faster. And when I was growing up, there was the guy who couldn't take it. And then if you could take it, you were a good shit. And then you were fine. And you actually got less shit. But if you couldn't take it, then you became like a target. So you had to be and everybody had different techniques. I'm gonna be funnier than you. I'm gonna get you before you get me. I'm gonna just start making fun of myself. I'm just going to agree with you there was a zillion ways to to keep it moving not ruin people's fun but like protect yourself and i mean i don't know i mean i guess i don't know i guess i mean i'm an old white guy so maybe maybe am i part of the problem do i need

to sit out a fucking podcast here no no please the i definitely know that first for me I there are times where I just feel that like uh like I was in I was in an uh I was in a DJ uh booth of a recording booth with Eddie um is it Eddie Pence Eddie Pence is married to Megan Mulaney? Mulroney? Is that? Are these politicians? Eddie Pence. I want to say it's Eddie Pence.

No, no, comics. Two comics. Megan Mulroney is fucking hilarious. So is Eddie. They're friends with Tosh, right? And so I know I'm fucking. Eddie Gosling. Ryan Gosling's brother? Is it god damn it never mind my point is i was hard what this clip up is the greatest story bird ever told i was i was harping on eddie i know his name's eddie i was harping on eddie's calves he had

really big calves we were in a sound booth recording something together and I kept mess joking about his calves like god damn it those are big fucking calves that's the biggest calf I've ever seen in my life those calves are fucking ridiculous I'm like going on and on and Tosh is in the other room crying laughing and I think he's laughing at me busting Eddie's balls for having big calves and Eddie is just going yeah I have big calves I have big calves yeah i know i get it a lot of people say i have big calves i go no you're under i've never seen a calf like that in my fucking life and then toss gets on the microphone and goes uh burt eddie used to be 400 pounds and i went oh that's why you have big calves he's like yeah i don't like talking about it can we just do the fucking and but i'm oblivious i'm just busting his balls left his calves were big because it was like he was carrying a weighted vest around so for his whole

fucking life he had been carrying around 400 pounds so his calves just turned into these fucking massive i mean bill if you saw his calves you'd be like what the you don't think some of that's genetic though he must have big he big – he was already going to have big calves. Nope. Fat people have big calves. Big fucking – and if you lose weight, don't lose the calf. I'm Googling it. I'm Googling it right now. Fat people's calves. Fat people have – it said snore.

Have big calves. What a man's big calf says about his health. Fat people have totally ripped calves, building fat guy calves. What men's calf size muscle says about their health. Let's find what that means, Bert. Yeah, what does calf size? Okay, scientists believe that calf muscle size is largely determined by genetics, but that hasn't stopped men from doubling down on leg day workouts.

Oh, thinking that they can make them bigger. As it turns out, the decisive leg day might be, if not fatal, poorly considered. Big calves, lower stroke risk. That's bullshit. I had a buddy of mine who had huge calves. He died of a stroke. Oh, for real? um i have i have beautiful calves like for a woman but i don't have good calves for a man all right i'm gonna

take your word for it if you shave my legs i would have prettier legs than my wife take your word for it without a fucking doubt okay i would love to have bigger legs i've been doing squats with kettlebells to try to get bigger legs oh yeah yeah you ever see a dude with like a fucking huge ass like just like just like a fucking chunk of an ass and you're like god damn it how do you get pants on all right you've been on the road for a minute it's the weirdest it's the weirdest conversation i've ever seen in my life i mean i've seen a guy with like big bitch hips like that's the funniest oh yeah bill clinton would get fat he had those wide mothering hips and he'd go running with those short shorts and the milky

thighs it was fucking hilarious oh i always i always wished i was a large man like i had a friend ryan carson who just was fucking large like his his thighs were like this his cat like but he was ripped he was in great shape he was a shot putter for the track team but he had like the biggest ass and just huge everything everything was fucking huge and i remember thinking i want to be like that and i was like i can never be like that i'm gonna be my size i'm gonna be regular size man my whole life i'm never gonna be like god you ever see burt's arms they're fucking they're gonna be like oh i didn't never notice no one's ever gonna say that you don't do the work burt i bill i've been doing a lot of weightlifting lately.

Okay. Yeah. What are you doing in the kitchen, though? Yeah, dude. You can't be melting Heath bars into fucking whatever the hell it is you're telling me you're doing. Dude, there's no reason why you couldn't get jacked. If you were the right guy and got a personal trainer, it could happen. I'm going. You'd have to put a shirt on.

Yeah. a personal trainer it could happen i'm going you'd have to put a shirt on there's all these fatties that love you that make themselves feel okay and now you come out oh man and i know a couple of fat guys that have lost weight there's this whole bully fat fucking crowd on social media that shames you for getting in shape yeah sold out Sold out is what they say. Fuck yeah. They're like fat counties. You know, instead of hanging at a bar, they're like a fucking brunch counter. I would love to be fucking ripped on stage. Take my shirt off and just hear the gasp. Oh my God, what happened?

And I'm just fucking yoked. We should have done. If we didn't, we didn't video this thing. Yeah. You would have had time from March till now if you ate perfect. I'm eating perfect. I'm going, listen, Bill, right now,

I'm going into Macon, Georgia for a month. I'm living in a hotel. Everything's in a bubble, right? I'm there for one month. No booze. No weed. I'm going to eat clean as fuck. In Macon, Georgia. In Macon, Georgia. Macon, Georgia. booze no no weed i'm gonna eat clean as fuck in making georgia in making georgia making georgia

you're gonna eat clean how you gonna eat clean and make everything's in the bubble everything's in the bubble we're everyone's living in one hotel so they're all sending everything chef prepared i'm gonna tell them i'm gonna oh you got a chef okay okay yeah i think about telling them i'm a vegetarian start off there right go go vegetarian for a few days you should get a nutritionist and then have the nutritionist tell you what the chef should prepare because i got a nutritionist sucked huh man nutritionists it's they're less about losing weight and more about eating healthy. Like, I remember I had a nutritionist. She was like, all right, first thing you want to do right when you wake up, eat a bowl of oatmeal.

And I was like, aren't those carbs? And she was like, yeah. I was like, hold on. I was always told never eat carbs. And she was like, no. By who? By fucking idiots on the whatever beach diet? Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with carbs, dude. There's nothing wrong. Listen, not like I know everything, but just get a fucking nutritionist because it's their job to sift through all of this fucking shit. The amount of fucking guys I've seen going like, you know, drinking chocolate shakes or eating a chocolate bar, trying to tell me that this is like I'm losing weight. But it's like, dude, what is in that? Yeah, you're drinking a chocolate shake, and you're losing weight. I mean, like all of those those fad diets. I got a nutritionist, really good friend of mine hooked me up with this person a few years ago,

and I've been able to keep the weight off. Just by just once I did the diet, then just sort of being on it. I'm always on it, but you know. Cyrus Khambatta, So wait, how did you get the weight off? Because once you get the weight off, then you can maintain it, but that actual getting the weight off, that's got to sting for it to work. Dr. Dean Mitchell, Well, what was amazing was it came off just through eating because I started doing it when COVID was like two weeks away. And then I just kept doing the diet and it all came off. And then once it came off and I was

down to where I wanted to be, you know, I haven't been eating as well. And then that's, you know, then a little bit of it came back, but only a little bit. So I just keep going back to that. And like 80% of my day is the diet. And I still work out as much as I can. You know, I just do the at home workout. But if I had like an elliptical, if I had access to a fucking elliptical, which I refuse to buy one of those goddamn things. I'm not buying this big gym equipment. I love my garage. Okay. I love my garage. That's what should be in a garage, Bill, is gym equipment. You put an elliptical in the garage. Now your wife's in the garage. You just want guy shit in a garage. An elliptical is not man shit. She wants me to get an elliptical. She'll have an excuse to go out into the one

part of the house that's mine. That's mine. You got everything else with all the fucking throw pillows on it that I never wanted. Let me have the garage. No, don't ever do that. Oh, that's great. No, it's true. I got the best fucking treadmill in the world.

I'm going to miss it. Is it going away to college? No, I'm gone. I'm on the road now for two months. Oh. I won't be back in LA for two months. Maybe I shouldn't say that out loud. Everything all right at home?

You're just really, you're road-dogging like, look, it's an election year. It is an election year. Are you running for office, Bert? I am. No, these drive-ins are fun as fuck so i'm i booked a bunch more and then we've added shows and we're doing two nights in cape cod i can't wait to make it into a documentary i i have been definitely shooting the footage

this has been really hard one of the hardest times for me as a comedian because this is the thing you can't just make the documentary about we went out here and it was fucking fun and we had a great time. There has to be an arc. There has to be. You got to have Bobby Kelly go out there and blow out his ACL. Like something dramatic has to happen. Go with me, man. Remember that?

Jesus. Yeah. That was the fucking. What you did you watch it because i because i just knew the pain that he was in and everything and i just want i didn't want to see but then it was just the audio i think dane brought in the audio so i listened to that invite in the reeds oh what do we got we got uh you got your new favorite thing i was sucking these down watching a thunderstorm roll in to amarillo texas over a lake bill it is so cold and so refreshing i want to call them two sippers because I swear to God, they're so good. I feel like you feel like you're drinking like soda water.

I don't taste any alcohol in it, to be honest with you. Oh yeah. What flavor is that one? This one is strawberry. I was drinking strawberries last night the whole time. I can't tell you. Can I tell you one thing I love about these is the size of the can. The size of the can is the perfect size for it not to get warm on a hot summer day when you're

out on Lakeville. Do you know what I'm talking about? I mean, I noticed the shape of the can, Bert. I think that's the shape you want your body to be. I think if you drink those, you're not going to look like a regular beer can. You're going to be all tall and spelt with the shirt off, Bert. You got that right because there's only 100 calories with one gram of sugar. Four different flavors. We've got mango, strawberry, black cherry, and lemon lime. It's so much easier. Oh, I keep them in a cooler in the back of the bus with just ice. They are ice cold when they come out. I love vodka and soda. I've been loving vodka and soda. But them setting it up for me in a can, they've done all the work. I don't have to go make a drink.

I just go, hey, Bud Light Seltzer. Bam. And it's the best, Bill. Well, great. I'm glad you're enjoying them as I sit here stone sober going, why didn't they have those when I used to drink? But anyways, now I'm going to be the little dad here. Drink responsibly, everybody.

Yes. Don't be like Bert. Puke all over the lake. Drink responsibly, everybody. Don't be like Bert. Puke all over the lake. Drink responsibly. Where's the tagline here? I'm supposed to say that. Please, everybody, enjoy responsibly. Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri. You can get this delivered right to your door or find a retailer near you at Budlight.com backslash delivery. Pick it up at your local neighborhood groceries, a convenience store, a liquor store. I'm telling you, really adds a little,

adds an exclamation point to the summer. All right, we get it. They're delicious. These are unquestionably good. All right, we get it. You're having a good time. All right, you have a little sympathy for us sober guys. They look delicious.

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See DraftKings.com for details. Yeah, I remember watching Torgasm live. Like not live, but like I remember watching it what the night it aired and being like, holy shit. I had that, man, Dane was an interesting guy to have in this business. Because we're all roughly the same age, but to watch him,

I remember him getting on a private jet. I was like, comics can get on private jets? That was not happening, at least to anybody for generations, I feel. Yeah. He was the first know it's changed so much comedy because when i started when and when i started i didn't even know guys did clubs that much like the way we do them now like everyone's at out out fucking 40 weeks a year doing clubs i

didn't even know people did clubs i didn't know david tell did clubs i thought the goal was to get a development deal and then when i heard dane was doing clubs i was like wait what there he's doing clubs i remember there was like the last stop and then there were no theater acts back then me getting into this business was all about going on the road just road dogging for real building up your following yeah all of those stories you see are sam Kinison and the Outlaws and Bill Hicks going around and then when I finally started doing the road Stan Hope and Mitch Hedberg all of those guys then legendary guys like John Fox just just out there you know when did you start when did you start doing like like the Omaha Funny Bone or or Des Moines Funny Bone or any of the Funny Bones?

Was that like in the early 2000s? Late 90s, I started. Didn't sell any tickets. Lost my agent, my manager, and everything. And then had to rebuild it back up and then uh the early um 2000s um i got with the steinbergs and they knew some people and then i got with mike berkowitz and then ever since then you know um but when i even when i got with berkowitz like um i wasn't i wasn't an improv. I like an improv guy was like famous. Like the headliners had a degree of fame and I didn't have any of that.

So I wasn't going to sell any tickets and they weren't going to build me. They were like, go to these other clubs that aren't improvs. I mean, not that they said that it's just, they just had enough. It's like, why am I going to waste my time building you when I have 200 comics that could fill this room and i only have 52 weekends so um i did all these cool clubs like uh cap city comedy club and skyline cafe um great club hilarities in cleveland you know those are all fucking see i got put into the other system molly at the punchline was huge for me molly's the best molly is the best she really is one of

the one of the best yeah the um so wait what was it like when you decided to make the jump to theaters do your were your agents like bill we want you to do theaters and were you like hey i'm making good money in the clubs i don't want to do theaters. And were you like, hey, I'm making good money in the clubs. I don't want to fuck with it. Or were you like, I'm ready? No, my agent, Mike Berkowitz, said, like, I want to do a theater in New Jersey. And I was like, I don't know, dude. And he goes, come on. He goes, you just sold out six shows, 250 people.

This is a 1,200-seater. You sold, you know, almost 1,500 in the comedy club. I was like, yeah, but that was like four different nights. Because that's this is a 1200 seater you sold you know almost 1500 in the comedy club I was like yeah but that was like four different nights to true because that's the thing if you think all right I'm selling out this comedy club I sold a thousand tickets next time I come here I should I'll go to a thousand feet see theater but then this same 250 people have that night free. It's like you have to get to a level where all a thousand people will show up on the same night. And that was, that's a skill set that hopefully the people that are booking you understand the math on that because

Berkowitz believed I could do it before I did. I was like, I don't know, man. I was like, I don't want to. Don't want to fail. Yeah. I don't want to be standing there in front of a half filled place. And, and, and, you know, and it didn't happen, but it happened in some places. I remember doing the tower theater in Philly, um, upper Darby. And, uh, I just did the bottom. I mean, that place is huge. Like David Bowie had a huge show there and one of those Ziggy Stardust ever things. He had a famous show there.

Guns and Roses played there. I mean, it's a huge place. And I felt bad, but he's like, no, this is good. He goes, the next time you come here, because these people will tell other people. And then it's also like, you got to kick the shit out of him then have another good special coming out you just can never stop hammering him it's like a hockey fight that the refs are never going to break up and if you get gassed it's over and you're going to go back down

to those clubs and i don't think you get back unless um there's you know I'm trying to think of the John Travolta does Pulp Fiction and gets back to Saturday Night Fever level Jeff Dunham yeah how you can yeah Jeff Dunham there's always an example it's it's so Jeff Dunham Jeff Dunham did theaters and then went back down to clubs and then went back to arenas oh dude I went to a buffalo sabers game and in between uh you know the stoppage of play they advertised his show it was incredible so um you know i have to i what i miss most about stand-up is i just loved kicking the shit out of people i just loved you know people leaving feeling like that was totally fucking worth it it's like the highest it's the biggest rush like you went there and because i remember going to comedy shows and uh i remember seeing steve sweeney at the randolph nicks the nixon randolph

massachusetts and i remember he went on stage and for the first 12 minutes i wasn't making any noise my mouth was just open and my face was beet red like i was like i was almost concerned that i was gonna like have a medical issue that's how hard this guy was killing and i just remember thinking like like when I left that show, like that, that is fucking killing. That is what you're going for. Like, you want to hurt him. You know, I don't mean to be honest with you. I don't think I ever killed as hard as that fucking guy ever did.

But like he inspired me to get. I don't know what just happened behind you, but you know an episode of Hawaii Five-0? No. Oh my God. I want to do the road again. Hello, sir. How are you?

That's my cameraman, John Manns. Oh, I thought you were staying in some sort of like Hawaiian themed hotel and they all had to wear those shirts. I like it, man. Guys ready to party. Yeah, we, I'm obsessed with these fucking Bud Light seltzers. Oh, you're.

They're the sponsor of the podcast, but I am genuinely obsessed. Well, I probably just fucked up the beginning of that. That would have been a great little thing to show our sponsors. Oh, yeah. Did you see the guy singing the Hawaii Five-0 thing? Because the guy was wearing a Hawaii Five-0 shirt. That guy right there. Oh, I thought you were left.

No, you can leave, man. He has the greatest stories in the world. You're mean. He didn't make any eye contact with you. You just rolled your eyes saying that he could leave. Wow. Toxic boss will be back after these messages. and he is someone who has the best stories in the world, but he doesn't know how to tell a story. He gives you the ending away too soon and he gives you details you don't need.

And I remember one time, he has a story about shooting video for National Geographic. They were shooting video in a desert of like the 10 deadliest snakes. And so they're putting them out, right? And then they'd film them and then they'd grab them, put them back in the thing. And so they take a spitting cobra out.

And they put it out. They're like 20 miles out in the desert. They put it on the sand. And the second it hits the sand, it takes off and scoots up into the body of the jeep, their jeep. It runs up into the body of the jeep. And they're like, fuck. What do we do? And then like someone look under and see if you can see it.

And they're like, no, I'm not going to look under. It'll spit in my eyes. And I'm going to die. And they're like, shit, what do we do? And then like someone look under and see if you can see it. And they're like, no, I'm not going to look under. It'll spit in my eyes and I'm going to die. And they're like, shit, what do we do? So they just sit there for like six hours waiting for it to come out. And it never comes out. Now it's getting dark and they're in the desert. And they have like a 20-mile drive in the desert to get back to a – They started throwing shit at the truck.

They tried everything. They set up a time lapse to see if they could see it come out they started rattling the truck nothing bill nothing right so now they gotta drive with a with nine of the most deadly snakes in a bag one of them in the rigging of the jeep and they have to drive in the desert where they're like this he said it was the most terrifying drive of his life because every time something would hit his leg, he'd be like, motherfucker. And then they get back to camp and 20 miles. They're still in the desert.

They've got to spend the night in tents with the Jeep that has a spinning Cobra loose in it. He said it was the most unc – never saw the spinning Cobra again. But when he told it – It definitely fell out. It definitely fell out. Eventually. Probably slid it out the other side. Yeah. That thing was gone within the first six minutes,

and they sat there for six hours. Oh, what a terrifying ride that must have been. Wait, where were they? See, these are all the things. When he tells the story, he fucks it up so bad and gives you so much information you don't need. He's like, and so then I was with the Canon 800. You know how the Canon 800 has got a longer lens. You're like, get to the fucking spitting cobra. And he's like and so then i was with the canon 800 you know how the candidate 100 has got a longer lens you're like get to the fucking spitting cobra and he's like oh oh oh yeah and

then it just scooted up into the jeep and then we just sat there you're like well there is a spitting cobra loose in america somewhere and no this was in africa he was in africa oh all right well it's supposed to be there well i probably knew where it was going to be there no wait isn't it it's not wait i have no idea in india yeah googling it hang on he he is the person his stories are so fascinating but he it just fucks them up when he tells them he worked on uh deadliest not deadliest catch what's whale wars and uh and they got rammed by the Nishimaru, right? They got rammed. Africa, Australia, Southern Asia.

Jeez. And their relatives, their cousin, the coral snake. Oh, the coral snake. Found in the United States, yeah. Sorry. No, no. Yeah, he's a really interesting guy and and he was on my cameraman on trip flip and i just kind of i got a kick out of him because he's just funny as shit

and then he was my cameraman on birth conquer and then when i started doing these tours i was like man why don't you come with me and we'll shoot some stuff and so he's a great drone operator do you see i posted a video on instagram yesterday of us on this devil's bridge in um in uh sedona arizona fucking scary as shit it is a bridge span of rock right that goes down maybe 180 feet and it is literally this wide bill and we walked out to the middle of it and just stood there and then took it i ripped my shirt off took a drone fucking taking off it was out of this world yeah you can have that is that one of those little vine bridges with the wood slats no no no no no no it's the andrew can you can you show a video here i can show you a picture of it but it is here i'll show you a picture what's the name of it i got it is... Here, I'll show you a picture.

What's the name of it? I got it, I got it. I'll just pull it up on this. So this is... Can you see how... Here, ready? This is it, Bill. Do you see that little rock bridge? Yeah.

And then take a look at this. This is me, and then this is the drone taking off. Dude, that's like some wily coyote shit. Like, that's just going to fall off. You're nuts. That was, it was scary, man, when your asshole twitches when you get out there. Your hands start sweating immediately.

Look at that. Isn't that fucking insane? Yeah, I don't like, I don't like watching those videos where those idiots are, like, climbing up buildings. Like, I can't watch that. Dude, we did this thing one time at the Corona Arch. I think it's out in Moab.

What you do is it's that same form of an arch. It's just an arch of rock with a big hole in the center. What they did is they took rope and they tied rope to this side of the arch and then draped it under. Then we stood on the arch. So it's draped under and then harnessed us in and we jumped and you swing through the arch, right? Like this. We did this for trip flip by a few years ago. And, uh, I get up to the top and we have to, by the way, you have to legit rock climb to get yourself up there. It's scary as

shit. You're up there. You just, all the real rock climbers are walking around, not roped in, just walking around very comfortable. My hands are sweating telling you about this. And we get harnessed in. I go first. I'm wearing khakis, like they're called cool, K-U-H-L pants, but they're khaki. And I have ass sweat all going through there

because I'm terrified. I say to the guy right before i jump i go maybe i should get like a helmet and he says wait when you get scared your ass sweats really bad bill really bad really bad so it looks like i've shit my pants it's soaking wet soaking fucking wet so i say to the guy uh hey man maybe i should get a helmet. And he goes, nah. I said, what do you mean? He goes, you don't want one. I said, what do you mean? He goes, let me tell you something, buddy. If something happens, you just want to go. I go, what do you mean? He goes, you do not want to be half conscious having not made this fall laying down there waiting for a helicopter to

come get you. He goes, just go, just go. go i go so no helmet he goes no helmet either live or die buddy and so i just fucking i grabbed a helmet i put it on anyway i didn't give a fuck adrenaline yeah and i did the jump it was i've done so much shit like that that walking out to that thing i was like i can do this there was a kid out there doing backflips yeah what is the deal with the backflip now everybody tries to do it but i like i follow a couple accounts on instagram and you can't believe what you can do and not break your neck watching these kids jump up in the air and their whole body force comes down right on their fucking head it's just like they're nuts it's amazing how many there's nothing

too the backflip yeah i feel like like how many millions of people can you i've watched the olympics like a backflip is part of 40 other things that they're going to do with the twist and then land why do i give a shit that you're doing a backflip on a beach it's not amazing and you're you're not a gymnast so there's a chance you're going a backflip on a beach. It's not amazing. And you're not a gymnast, so there's a chance you're going to break your fucking neck to do what? Hopefully get me to send a mind-blown emoji? It is a weird thing. I'm going to tell you, clean shaven, I kind of look like a fucking emoji.

It is weird when you see a football player score a touchdown and then do a backflip as if him running through 12, 11 dudes that were trying to kill him. Wasn't impressive enough. The black, the backflip really definitely sold it. You're like, Oh shit.

You can backflip also black flip. If it's a black guy doing it, don't see too many white guys doing it. Yeah. Um, anyway, I, yeah, yeah. I, I'm not into the – I thought I was that adrenaline junkie guy when I was a kid. Really?

I went skydiving one time. I did a static line jump. Really? It was a one-day class, a couple of hours, and then they just sent you up there. Sit in the door, get out, go. Arc 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000, look. If nothing, look, reach, pull. And when I went, I didn't arch. And I just kind of, I just started falling. And I was doing front flips as my shoot was coming out

and I felt it go by my leg and I was like oh my god I'm dead I'm gonna be like a fucking fruit roll-up and then it was just fine I remember there was this fat chick in my and then they talk you down and there was this fat chick in my class and you had to be able to pull the toggle all the way down to your knee and her hips were too big and she was just kind of doing this and she ended up across the street landed in a pile of mulch and dislocated her knee so i was like i was 19 i was like yeah i'm not going to be the guy who dies and then it was just a moment of like wow i guess uh i guess you can die and then i also felt when I was like the chute was open it was super boring because when you're above the tree line

you don't feel like you're falling. You just feel like you're there. You know? And it's like fucking kind of jocking you a little bit

the whole thing and it's just like you know. I could never go skydiving ever again and I would be the happiest man in my life. Yeah, I'm not I'm not into that.

I've done all of that shit. I don't need it in my life. I don't – I remember one time I was in a park in Pamplona with my buddy and I said, well, I guess we had gone running with the bulls or not really running with the bulls but, you know, been there. And we weren't like in the mix we were like in the street and then jumped over the fence real quick bull never saw a bull in our life but i was like wow that's great and then i was like well i guess next thing you do is go skydiving

and he goes why i was like i don't know and that we're supposed to do and he goes i think you're he goes do you want to go skydiving and i was like no not at all he's like then what are you doing it for and i think that's why a lot of people go skydiving is they go well I gotta it's a bucket list thing but if it's not on your fucking bucket definitely don't fucking do it I think a lot of that with guys comes down to I'm not good at talking to women so I need to do a bunch of crazy stuff and I hope that they hear the story about me and they think that I'm cool I mean that's why I was doing dumb shit like that it's just because like I wasn't a cool guy so what if I do some cool shit does that make me cool it's like no yeah you're still not cool so um yeah motorcycles never had that cachet in our

in like my high school if you drove a motorcycle just meant your parents couldn't afford to buy you a car like no one got motorcycles growing up oh yeah if you got him well on the east coast if you had a motorcycle back in the day you were a badass i don't know if you got a tattoo you were a lunatic but i mean all of that all of that stuff has changed no dude like i when i grew up i saw like i mean by the time i by the time i was 21, I maybe saw six people with a sleeve in my life. Oh, yeah. I remember. I remember Ryan. Bikers.

I knew a guy who knew a dude named Dead Eye Pete. He was a tattoo artist slash biker. Drove a shovel nose Harley. I mean, this guy had the big white beard. This guy was the real deal. And he was just covered in tattoos. And I remember looking at that guy thinking like, like, wow, man, like that guy is like left the program like he is doing his own fucking thing. Yeah. And, And nowadays, it's just like somebody making like artisan ice cream

has like double sleeves and like a fucking face tattoo. Like pop stars have like face tattoos now. Speaking of which, are you keeping up on that kid there, that 6'9 kid? Oh, yeah. I mean, that kid is crazy.

Oh, hardcore, hardcore. He fucking told on half the free world, and now he's trying to show that he's not afraid. It's like, no, dude, be afraid. Get the tattoos taken off. I'd get a haircut. You know, I'd maybe shave those big front teeth down or some shit. I'd do something and look a little different.

down or some shit i do something and look a little different like he's like he is like antagonizing somebody to uh i mean he's taking trolling to a whole other i watch those videos i get fucking nervous i'm like dude get inside and then it's just like, if you're going to do some shit like that, don't fucking sit next to me. Fucking inaccurate sons of bitches showing up and catching me instead of you. Yeah. He's an interesting kid, man. I went out with the first time I ever heard about him. I was pulling up to LAX. I was pulling into Delta.

And as I'm pulling up, there is a huge fist fight in the street. And what had happened is some gang bangers from LA felt like Takashi six, nine hadn't maybe respected them enough. And they showed up at the airport to find him, to beat him up. And he got into a fist fight at the airport. And then I said to the guy, I was getting checked in.

So I'm sitting get you at the airport yeah i mean that's it you got it you got him off dude if i've ran it out everybody i fucking knew i'm trying to think of the state i would move to oh he's and all his cars are flashy as shit they're all purple would you like his music? Oh, come on, man. I'm too old for that. That's all young people music. All of that stuff about going into the VIP rooms and all this.

I can't relate to that shit. I want somebody to rap about eight hours sleep. I got too much dad shit I'm doing sleep apnea getting throw up on your shirt yeah not putting an elliptical in your garage because it's the one part of the house that's yours we should do a rap album bill just the things that should not the things that that for guys our age like i can't find my sunglasses uh i think uh rodney dangerfield already did rap and rodney remember that no i do remember that but i don't remember the rap he lived his life the way he wanted and he died old yeah that's crazy he's like the he's like

the canary in the mine like you you go wow, what did he live to, like 80 or something? What's his real name? He hasn't got a great name. Jacob something or other, right? Oh, yeah. What is Rodney Dangerfield's name? He has a great real – like Rodney Dangerfield's a great stage name, but like – all right, I'm looking it up.

Rodney. All we need is – Jack Roy. Jack Roy. Yeah. No, Jacob Cohen Cohen who's Jacob no it's not him that's what it came up as

for real yeah and then it has everybody's real name Chevy Chase is Cornelius Crane Chase oh yeah I like how they have Don Rickles' real name, Donald J. Rickles. It's like he didn't change it.

No one does that anymore, huh? I'll tell you, I saw a name the other day. I was looking up, kind of obsessed with Miles Davis for like the last 25 years. And I like looking up stuff about his different drummers and stuff, you know, beyond Tony Williams, or maybe Jack D. Jeannette. And there's a guy that played with them on that album on the corner guy, Al Foster. So I was like, you know, I looked him up, he was still

alive. I was psyched. I always loved the crazy angles of his cymbals and his drums and stuff. And if you could play with miles, that meant you could play right so i looked him up i think this morning or yesterday and i found out al was short for aloe vicious and it's just like that name is just that game that he was born in the 1940s i think that name was almost gone like aloe vicious and ebenezer we're we just gone. Ebenezer's a great name. I mean, what is the nickname? Eb, Nezer, Beezer? What is the nickname for Ebenezer? Ebenezer.

It's four syllables. There's no way every time I want to talk to you, I'm saying Ebenezer. Yozer. Benezer. Benezer. Ebba.bba ebba eb eb b e e you just keep shorting it nothing but aloe vicious the name is sometimes shortened to uh even even or ebbing i don't know even i was always confused when i was a kid and they were like yeah if your name's john they can call you jack and i was like that's a totally different name yeah but it's kind of yeah it's got to be but i think that's

more like it's that's like the as i brought up the other day in my podcast, the Chevy Chevette and the Pontiac T1000 or the Camaro and the Firebird. You know, it's both the GM product. I think John and Jack, you know, sort of the same thing. Eben is a cool name or Eben is a cool name. You meet a girl, a chick in a bar and you say that, that's cool until they say, what's that short for? And you're like, Ebenezer is a cool name. You meet a girl, a chick in a bar, and you say that. That's cool until they say, what's that short for? And you're like, Ebenezer. She's just like, all right, I'm out.

She's like, this guy isn't going to pay for anything. I am not banging a founding father. You know, I wonder if Scrooge was ruined that name. I mean, that book, that story is around for so long. I wonder if that ruined the name do you think if adolf hitler had a more normal name like joseph stalin because people will name a kid joseph right and left yeah people think of joseph they think joseph and mary they don't think uh joseph stalin adolf was such a distinct name. Adolph. Yeah. And there was like a couple of guys.

There was also Adolph Eichmann. There was a couple of, a couple of his friends had that name. Like it was the German name for like Bob. And they just shut, he shut down a first and last name. I heard his, his relatives

agreed that the bloodline was just going die out anybody who was related to him and they just yeah and they this fucking he was such a fucking asshole they all decided not to have kids to just let the bloodline die out out of respect for the horror that the guy created, but it was just like, I almost feel like his final, I don't know, asshole thing to humanity was that his own descendants or relatives couldn't experience the joy of having a child. Jesus. I mean,

why can't you just change the name? Because they probably think it's contagious. Yeah. You know know what's crazy though is that we got music in our family what do you got in your family i wonder if i wonder how german americans of that like my because my family is german uh my dad's side i wonder how that was like after world war ii they had like pride in being german but distancing themselves from that you know like as opposed to like what nowadays when a war goes on it's almost like you see like you you see muslim americans like standing up for and going hey we're it's not

we're not all like as opposed to like defending themselves, but Germans just kind of shut down. They're like, fuck those guys. That's, I mean, those guys, Germans are animals. And,

like, almost like we turned German, Germans into, like, sex fetish having type people. We created a dialogue for what Germans were for then on, you know? Yeah,

they seem to have gotten it the worst when there was so many people on both sides that just did so much. Like, you're reading that book, Flyboys, when you see what the fuck went on in the South Pacific and they just not even brought up. And then some of the stuff that we ended up

doing to win the war is just like, you know, when you fire fire bomb a wooden city i mean okay you you drop the pamphlets and they have nowhere to go and you like burning women and babies to death i mean some of the shit that we that shit just in dresden alone and you always heard like they were saying you know you know if we lose this war we're going to be tried as war criminals is what they like. I mean, I mean, I mean, obviously never been in that position where you have to make a decision like that. But then it's also like, well, if we don't do this, then what are they going to do to us? I mean, it's just it's was insane.

It's fucking human beings through the capabilities of human beings like i heard this fucking story uh this guy talking about the germans coming in um when uh i was doing a tour through uh estonia and latvia and one of those countries the germ Germans came in and they went to this guy's house. By the way, spoiler alert, this is an absolutely horrific fucking story. They went to this guy's house. They asked him information. He said he didn't know anything. And then they just grabbed his little boy by the ankles.

I can't even say what they did. I mean, it was just right down onto a table. And, and like the guy, all of these years later, immediately just like, just broke down into tears, dude.

It was fucking brutal. And I was just thinking like, how in the fuck, no matter how much you hate another side, you could do that to a little boy or a kid. It's just like some of that shit too. When I, when I was torn over there and you started reading up on some of that shit that they would do it it's just like so that is just right under the surface like as much as you know i've been

watching all these fucking nature videos it's weird all these videos these animals killing each other this animal versus this animal and all this stuff, you know. And just like what animals can do and just be not even concerned about the suffering of the other animal at all. That's why I like that's why I like cats like like lions and cheetahs and tigers, because they'll fucking kill the goddamn thing first. There's a bear that just starts eating you while he's holding you down. It's just like, Jesus Christ, buddy. How about right here? How about the next fight's right here?

Just take me out. You're going to start in the back? I'm going to live forever here. You start offering up parts of your body to go, hey, man, get like the vein right around here. Take a bite. Yeah, I got to be like, I can't watch a lot of that shit because like, I don't know. I don't know how, like people that delve into that part of the world and then go after those people.

And they have to sit there and like relive the tales of those crimes and just have that in their brain. I mean, that story that I heard, that guy that told them now that I just fucking told everybody that, I wish I had never heard it. It was one of those kinds of stories like, and that's not one of those things. When I hear those stories, I don't look at that like, oh, those German so-and-sos. I just think like, wow, with poor leadership and a collapsed economy, what you can get people to do is fucking terrifying. It's fucking terrifying and you really have to, I mean,

I think that there's a belief out there that that was olden day people and that we don't have those capabilities yet. And you're seeing people, you know, I didn't want to say what people are doing nowadays because, I mean, dude, quarantine, the one thing I still can't say, but quarantining has stopped a couple of deviant social activities that were becoming way too normal. Yeah.

You know, I don't know. No, it's... Let's get back to... I wonder, do you think animals... Do you think animals, when they're getting... Like, when they're going across a river and the crocodile's coming at them and they kind of see them and start to get away,

do you think there is... Do you think they panic the way a human does? You think panic is specific to humans? Yeah. They panic. They feel pain. They're already, they're starting to say now,

which is what's going to be so fucking crazy for vegetarians is that plants have higher emotional qualities than we realized. Really? Yeah. That's's gonna fuck up vegetarianism forever yeah and then also then that for me that fucks with the creator then where who was the person that creates all of this? And in order for me to survive each day, something has to die. Something has to feel pain. Something has to be eaten.

It's almost when you look at it that way, it's like the whole thing is designed to destroy itself, to eat itself and just be used up. You know, like sometimes people like look at like the universe, like it's somebody like some of those crazy. I mean, I don't know any painters other than the ones they made movies about that Pollock guy. Yeah. Like just gone. It just goes like that. And it just sort of looks at it's like a new canvas.

And we're sort of getting to the end. I don't know, dude. I got to do a stand-up gig because this is where my fucking brain has been going lately. How soon until you get on stage do you think? I know you got offers. I know you got offers. I have no gigs.

You have nothing? Have you got offered any of the outdoor shows yet? Yeah, we've had like a few, but like the drive-in shows were such shit shows that I didn't want to do that. I don't want people like flicking their blinker, meaning they're groaning.

No one's not doing that. I don't know. I've heard their shit shows. No, that's fucking... I heard their shit shows, Bert. Bert, you're one of those guys you could be in a fucking kiddie pool in the fucking Mojave Desert

and be like, this is fucking great. I mean, that's the joy of hanging out with you. I'm not going to be swatting fucking mosquitoes and I can't hear anybody even fucking laughing. You can hear people laughing. You will be swatting mosquitoes.

That is real. Please open your sunroof so I can hear some semblance that you're enjoying what the fuck I'm doing. I don't want to do that. No. I'll tell you, Bill. You just got to come do one with me. You'd love it.

Yeah. Dude, I've done those gigs, dude. I've done it. They're not ideal. They're not the... I mean, they're not theaters. They're not clubs. I stood outside where no one gave a fuck.

I paid those dues. I'm telling you, Bill. I got to... You got to get... I'll give Berkowitz a call. I have to be able to prove how I'm going you Bill I gotta you gotta get I'll give Berkowitz a call I have to how I'm gonna do it you know how you're gonna do it

I have a bunch of people there is one thing that I am looking at whether people would be in cars or whatever but it's also like in a state where people don't give a fuck

and then it becomes like if you don't give a fuck then what is my responsibility I don't wanna go there and take your money as you don't give a fuck. And then it becomes like, if you don't give a fuck, then what is my responsibility? I don't want to go there and take your money as you don't give a fuck. And then everybody gets sick. And then I'm hurting small businesses in that state that give a shit. So I really got, I got to go to a state where there's not, you know, there's, they've really tapered it off. And then they're going to just shut like, uh, my agent's looking at someplace where they're having a couple of music acts there. And on both of our our big things because we don't want to take the quick money in the short

run and then fuck over everybody else including ourselves when we can go back to work regularly push that down because we wanted to go out make a quick hit so we're figuring it out yeah well well having said that i gotta get a nap because I have a show in three hours. I'm happy for you, dude. Wichita, Kansas, Bill. That's great. I've been there. It's a beautiful venue.

It's funny, the things I look for. Old school drive-in, tiered, so everyone in the back can see the stage and the stage does not block the screen the screen is right above the stage it's a perfect setup perfect setup that's awesome yeah and they and they went through and they they closed the bathroom so the bathrooms are socially distant there you go i think i've've been to Kansas at least 40 times. For real? I mean, I've done every fucking college. Kansas and Nebraska. I've been all over those. I remember being on the 80 when you're in Nebraska and when you get about halfway through the state,

there's some sort of just wooden bridge over the highway. Yeah. Oh yeah. If it's some tourist attraction or whatever i remember driving that that state watching birds migrating to the south like i was in a bugs bunny cartoon like the giant v's like snowflies don't bother me just i remember driving through wyoming one time and seeing these deer looking things that weren't deer going, what the fuck are those? On my way to Grand Junction, I deliberately went up through Wyoming because I'd done the 70 so many times. I've driven through the Rockies, that tunnel. I did that a million fucking times.

I want to see what the Rockies look like up there in Wyoming. And what I did was I did like half of the state, then I dipped down and I don't know. Hey, dude, I got a great documentary you ought to check out. What is it? One of my listeners on the Monday Morning Podcast recommended it. It's called Tread. Like, don't tread on me.

T-R-E-A-D. Netflix? Yes. recommended it's called tread like don't tread on me t-r-e-a-d netflix yes it's about a guy who moves to a small town buys his little piece of the american dream i watched this i watched this with my daughters oh my god yeah and it's one of those things so good they made international news but then ronald reagan died like the next day and then that's all they talked about i mean it was fucking it's actually kind of a good thing that lunatics didn't see what this guy did but that was a fucking amazing documentary that that guy you know what's so funny is that like uh, I think my daughters, if I'm not mistaken, my daughters were, like, on his team, like, almost three-quarters of the documentary through.

And then when he just started killing people, they're like, all right, this guy's a fucking lunatic. No, I, yeah, I was with him until about a third of the way. And I'm like, this guy's fucking crazy. He didn't kill anybody, though. Did he? I don't want to wreck it, but, fucking guy just destroyed the things that people zipping you just you just i swear to god bert before social media there was bert kreischer

just tell him something and watch him try to oh one of the biggest dick moves I ever did. Right when I got back from Europe, I came home. I came back to my fraternity house and my roommate, Mike Osborne, was reading like the hot new book, whatever the fucking big book was, like Michael Crichton.

And I walk in and he's in Charlie Erdman's room and he's got the book. And I go, ooh, is that a good book? He's like, yeah, I'm at the end. And Charlie's like, you don't know what happens? And he's like, no. And he goes, and my roommate, Mike Osborne took off out of the room and ran up to our room.

Cause he didn't want to hear what happened. I said, Charlie, what happens? And Charlie tells me the ending. And I called our room on the phone and he answered it. And I go, he dies.

And I lost his shit. You motherfucker. I've been reading this whole, this is the first book I read all summer. You motherfucker. That's funny, though. Yeah, it's fucking great. I miss those days. He should have known the second you said you don't know what happened

to be like, yeah, I mean, you can tell me anything. I don't give a shit. The book's not that good. And then maybe thrown you off the scent. Yeah. Run out of the room. Why did he answer the phone? Answered the phone.

Just wasn't paying attention. Wasn't on his game. Wasn't on his game. All right. That's it, everybody. Thank you again for listening to another wonderful episode of The Bill. Bert. Pod.

Cast. All right. Stay safe, everybody, in the new normal. See you next week. Thank you.