The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 27

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about revisiting old spots, Los Angles, and 'sharks below the water'.

Thank you so much to Bud Light Seltzer for being a presenting sponsor. We love these drinks. I love these drinks. And can't wait to tell you more. I wish I was still drinking. Keep listening for more. Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome to another wonderful edition of The Bill. Hurt.

Hot. Fast. Yeah, baby. Someone's doing stand-up again huh bill oh my god i had uh it was the best of times it was the worst of times i went up uh i was supposed to go up friday night at the comedy store they were doing this thing where they had you know the or the original room for you non comedians out there. When you stand on stage right to your right, the crowd's left is that window that looks out to the patio and Sunset Strip. So they had you standing on the other side of that window, which, by the way, has all these autographs on it.

So you're looking through, you know, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams, Eddie Griffin, all their names and shit. And then the fans, well, the crowd would sit on the patio. And they did. I don't know how many they did, but the city of L.A. came down and shut them down. So I was all excited. I invited a friend or two down, and it got canceled. And I was like, ah, fuck, you know. And then, you know, ah, fuck it, I'll bring it up.

I talked about it in the other podcast. One of my great friends in life passed away. So I was driving around Hollywood, just going by all the gyms we were members of and fucking places we hung out. I went to the Jack in the Box where we went to eat late night. And dude, it was closed. Like it's over. Like Jack in the Box sold it because they put in a hotel there. So it was that really cheesy sort of metaphor. My buddy Wayne Previty's gone. The Jack in the Box is gone. You can never go home, all of that shit. So it was really just- He moved out to LA with you guys? Huh? He was out in LA?

Dude, this is crazy. There was like, there was a whole crew of guys, Boston Comics, that all moved out at the same time. I went to New York in 95. And it was just, it was one of those things where like Dane started getting shit. And Bob Marley got a deal or something out in LA.

And the whole herd was starting to stampede. And no one wanted to be the guy I think still left in Boston. and no one wanted to be the guy I think still left in Boston so this mass exodus of of comics all in like different like levels of like doing well and everyone was doing well but like you know we probably all left a little early which is I don't know it's arguable whether it's better to leave a little late or a little early but um I went to New York thankfully because LA is just so fucking hard like everybody always acts like New York is a hard city and everything and all of that shit like dude LA will just like I don't know what it is it's like you just I think it's just the way you fly across the country and literally when you look at the topography you're literally watching the country. And literally, when you look at the topography, you're literally watching the country slowly dying. It's like I start out east, it's all green and lush and mountains,

then it kind of like levels out. And then it's past the Rocky Mountains. I used to joke, it was like watching your life. You know what I mean? You're all full of fucking energy when you're on the East Coast. And then you get married, you have kids, you kind of flatline. And then the Rocky Mountains is that first medical scare. You know, you're losing your hair and shit. And then you get out to the desert. And then you land out here, man. And it's just like, it's a combination.

You move so far away from everybody you know. And that Groundhog Day weather, where it's just the same thing. I don't know if you experienced that being from Florida, but it was just like, you know, when you're struggling, at least if the weather changes, you know, oh, good, it's a sunny day. At least it's sunny out. There can be something to get your mood going. But every day, Bill Murray hitting the alarm clock, waking up,

sunny, 75 degrees, no one gives a fuck about me. I got no spots at the Laugh Factory. No callbacksbacks no audition i just got dropped by my agent sunny 75 degrees how am i gonna make my rent i'm doing fucking stand up in a fucking chicken wing place it just was you know and it was uh you know nobody nobody comes out here and doesn't just get lifted you know if you're lucky you get lifted up but when you do it's not even just a body slam it's that fucking wham all your shoes fly off people stepping over you that were fucking wanted to talk to you the day before just just all of that shit. So all of these guys moved out and they moved to this apartment building on Argyle

called the Bravo. I don't know what it's called now, but it was one of those apartment buildings like you open your door out to outside, almost like a motel. And it was like a double decker. And they all got apartments. This landlord must've been like,

this is fucking amazing. But until he found out they were all comedians and it was like a half dozen of them and it was like a sitcom and they all lived there and they, they would go down and wait for spots at the laugh factory. And you know, some of my buddies like Wayne would work at the spaghetti factory and all of that shit. And, um, when I first came out here to do my first, uh, stand up on TV, I did Louis Anderson's comedy showcase. I think it was called The Palace at the time,

which is now the Avalon or something. But I didn't realize it's one of the places where, I think with Dice, the Dice Man Cometh or something. I think he did one of his specials there. I'm glad I didn't know that when I went on stage there, I would have been extra psyched out for it. But I came out and I stayed, this dude, Tony Moschetto, I stayed at his apartment. There was this guy, Nick Costas was

upstairs, Bob Marley and his wife, there's Dave McLaughlin, Wayne Previty, Rick DeLee, all of these Boston comics just coming out, having a big swing. So whatever. So the next day, at the last second, Josh Adam Myers called me up. He said, hey, the woman who books one of the nights at the Belly Room is doing the parking lot.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, did you just finish that story? Because I didn't want to... No, no, no. I got very confused. I was like, you've known Josh Adam Myers for fucking 20 years? No, no, no. no. I got very confused. I was like, you've known Josh out of Myers for fucking 20 years?

No, no, no. Sorry. So whatever. So we all hung out. We all hung out and did all of this shit and we all went through ups and downs and getting spots

and having a big gig and then it gets taken away or getting on a show or it gets canceled or having an agent and you're fucking, you know, or my first time headlining in Vegas and I'm in front of a bunch of blue hairs and i get psyched out i'm trying to do my edgy

i lived in new york for five minutes and i have a leather jacket material and i get bumped down to the middle just all kinds you know all of those things along the way as like good shit is happening so um so i was kind of psyched to do this spot, and it got taken away. And so I was like, all right, I'm going to go to Jack in the Box, get the ultimate cheeseburger like I used to with my buddy, sit here and sadly eat it by myself, thinking about all the times he saved me in a bar fight. And, yeah, and then, like, the next day.

And then it sucked, too. I couldn't go back for the funeral because I got two little kids that I had to quarantine for, like, 14 days. Yeah. It just, the whole thing just sucked sucked and they were having a really small thing anyways so i when i ended up doing as i sent him this big patriots floral arrangement um which i made sure you know it got there um it got delivered and people were like well we didn't see it at the church. And I was like, ah, fuck, because what am I going to do? But then somebody sent me a picture and they had it like when they were getting ready to put him in the ground, they had it right next to his coffin. So that made me feel good that the flowers got the headlining spot. So anyways.

Was he living in L.A. when he passed? No, he went back east his uh i don't want to give out too much information but one of his his mother got sick and he was such a big hearted guy that he just basically you know he was doing well he just stopped his dream he went back to help out his dad she unfortunately passed in january you know which broke his heart and then he passed now and i'm just you know i'm worried about his dad and his sister and his brother. It's just fucking awful, man. Awful story. Hey, welcome to the Gilbert Podcast.

You came here for a laugh during a pandemic. No, everyone, dude, I mean, everyone, I think, goes through this shit. Wait, tell me now. Tell me about stand-up. Because I heard, I don't know how it got back to me. They're like, Bill Burr got on stage in the bus. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah yeah he did an outdoor show I was like wait where and they're like comedy magic it was him Jim Jeffries no no the magic castle magic castle magic castle tell

me about it so I went down there and you know I kind of got this feeling that there was going to be a stage and then people sort of seated spread out behind the magic castle or something i didn't know what it was but it was actually there's a parking lot that i've driven by a zillion times never really looked at it um i think it's where they valet when you go up and they valet and you bring they bring your car down so they had people there they built this little wooden stage with some christmas lights on it and shit and then they had like these clacker things for the people in the crowd which was really weird and annoying the first night because it sounded like a like locusts and so i get up and i do my thing i haven't thought about my act like a mile away from

them why couldn't you hear them laugh i mean i could but there was also police helicopters and loud motorcycles going by. I mean, I'm right on Franklin and La Brea. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay, yeah. It's loud as shit. So, I went up and I was just trying to just remember my act and I started doing this bit making fun of women, right?

I regressed as a comic because I was in this great place of empathy and really figuring out all of my issues. And, you know, I went back to my I regressed to my safe spot like, all right, let's fucking pick on somebody in the crowd that's going to get overly upset. So I started making fun of them. And I'm in the middle of the setup for the joke. middle of the setup for the joke or the first little joke and this woman i swear to god dude sticks her head out the car window like jim carrey and ace ventura and just starts going fuck you fuck you fuck you for the whole time just so i'm making fun of her i'm just saying we'll be on the debate i must be on the debating, you know, just busting her chops, whatever. And then her boyfriend, yeah, fuck you, starts yelling in. I'm like, are you with her? Jesus Christ, get your balls out of her purse or something like that.

So I continue the joke, as you do. And I swear to God, dude, they drove away. I shit you not. And then two other cars followed them. And I was thinking, like, like wait I know I'm on last are they gonna get in trouble and I and it took me a second to put it together and I was just like wait this is like walking a room but like with cars and three cars fucking drove away and I gotta tell you dude it was like overwhelmingly depressing that that overly sensitive white woman has not gone away.

And it's just really, it's a lot of work to try and still have fun up there. Especially because I find them to be so astoundingly hypocritical and like over-the-top sexist. And this is me talking. They are so fucking sexist. It's like that literally if you're saying something they don't want to hear, they're going to yell over it. Like when I said I was doing this thing, you know,

every study I've seen that when they do to see who's smarter, they always say women are smarter than men. And she's like, yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right, the whole fucking time. So then when, of course, when I flip it, then it's like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. So it's like, okay, so you had no problem with when I said women are smarter than men. You were just like, that's just like that's right that's right that's not some sexist shit that is a fucking fact but when I flip it around then all of a sudden it's like you need to leave because buttons have been pushed and I have and I cannot fucking believe like those people that do that and then what they then go and sign off on, which is the exact thing that they're fucking yelling about, just completely reversed.

And they're like, no, no, it's not the same thing. And you look at them now that they're in power, which they basically are on social media. And like, I mean, I don't remember a time where I could go on Twitter and end a woman's career. No. You know, well, just by saying that i say that something happens even though they said that it didn't like right they have that level of power and look what they're doing with it look what they're doing with it and my favorite fucking thing is is when they trash the person with the circumstantial evidence and then it starts slipping into their act and it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait now, wait now, let's, let's,

let's try to stay on topic now. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just like, what is the person does act have to do with what you're talking here? Why all of a sudden he's not a real comic. He's a hack. And this is, I shouldn't just say women comics. I saw some guy comics doing this too. So it's just like, this is how petty you are. This comics act and them getting spots annoyed you to the fact that you're gonna sign off on some shit to end their career and you weren't even there yep that's real and and because you're a comedian you hold

like a higher level of power in this argument and you're just like yep that's all i need to see yeah and it's just like it's really um it's it's something else and i'm and then i'm supposed to sit here and be like uh and sort of sign off on this narrative that toxic human behavior just sort of exists in the male sex and that there's no toxic nothing just nothing but just you know if women ran the world there'd be no war and everything would be great there's no vindictiveness enough it's just like that's a cartoon it's like human beings all of us are flawed so anyway so it's just like I remember last year when I was doing Pete Davidson, Judd's movie, doing stand-up

New York and it was just like, it was just not fun. It was just not fun and you could just feel this certain crowd member like trying to bully the direction of your act. Yeah. And like, that it's like, you can say all the sexist shit you want, as long as it's about guys, but anything else, then you're this toxic person and they're fanning themselves.

And an apology needs to be made. And like, I don't know, dude, the more I look at that fucking Ellen, the generous shit. And the fact that she had to issue a public apology for being mean at work to a bunch of people that never worked for her. It just, it like blows my mind. And here's the thing, I don't even watch the Ellen DeGeneres show, but what's

happening to her is complete fucking, like it should be handled in house. Yeah. That's like locker room shit. Okay. okay and and all these people who never had to host a fucking talk show five days a fucking week she's got to go out there and dance in front of those fucking animals that whose excitement is through the roof and she has to do this 300 something times a year and every time she has to get this fuck yeah you're gonna start getting short with people you know and then the amount of people at her level that are just talking to her just to fucking talk to her and she has to like conserve her shit she's gonna get short with people listen i'm not saying i mean i wasn't fucking there all right but like i mean adults are literally acting

like children i've had mean bosses. I've gotten fucking yelled at on set. I had a guy one time come at me. I was doing a scene and the lead didn't like the direction of it. So he started improv-ing. So I started improv-ing because he was improv-ing. And then the fucking money behind the movie came and looked at him and fucking yelled at me. Thousand fucking F-bombs and all that shit because I was the low man on the totem pole.

And I got pissed, but I didn't fucking say anything, right? I was like, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you. I couldn't get to sleep till like, you know, I woke up at like three in the morning thinking all the shit that I want to say, but I didn't say it. And you know what the fuck ended up happening? This guy ended up being a really good shit

and he ended up having another fucking movie, you know, years later. And he goes, hey, there's two parts in here. Pick the one you want to do. And I did it. And we hung out in that movie. And now I fucking love the guy. So it's just like, if I judged him in that one moment and I went to Twitter, it's like, no, we were making a movie. Things weren't going the way we wanted. Money was flying out the window. People's emotions were high.

I got caught in the crossfire. You know, you got to be a big boy at some point. Just be like, all right, is this who this guy really is? Yeah. He does this again. Yeah. Then I got to say something. All right.

He does it one time. All right. I got five lines in this fucking movie. I get it. Shit runs downhill. And I don't know, just this, you know, it's kind of like

if you're going to hold somebody to that standard and then look at yourself, it's just like, dude, I haven't been that guy. I haven't fucking snapped on somebody that didn't deserve it. Like, I actually think about

that woman in the car the way I could have finessed that and got her to laugh to listen to the rest of the joke, which was actually complimentary to, you know, I was going really hard this way to end up going that way. And they drove away in the middle of it.

So the next night though, so my wife had to listen to me, give her an earful about like how, like I was just dumbfounded that six months of people watching their loved ones, grandparents, friends, and people died, people lose their businesses and all this shit that this stupid fucking petty shit of, Oh my God, I'm a white woman. And you just like crossed the fucking line. I thought that that shit was going to go away.

And to go back first show pick right up where we fucking left off, um, was just overwhelmingly depressing. And fortunately, the next night, Josh goes, hey, you coming back? And I was just like, all right, fuck it, I'll come back. And I went back and I actually sat and I listened to my act, like 10 minutes of it, wrote down a little bit of a set list

and then went up there. And last night, I fucking ripped. And I had a great set. And I actually really enjoyed it. And and I remembered I had that feeling again like oh this that's right connecting with an audience making people laugh seeing people you know that aren't like you laughing especially if you're talking about your life and them relating it just makes you feel better and um for the life of me i don't understand why they have just seemed to have singled out um comedians and i think i don't know i mean my paranoia is that if you get a really great one like a dave chappelle they can say stuff that can really influence people

i think in a really positive way yeah and like certain people don't you know don't don't like want that like i don't just the level i don't know i'm a lefty dude i have to tell you like the level of name calling and bullying that's been on my side of the aisle is is like it's like it's fucking it's just embarrassing it's like when you see a fan of your team like you go to an away game and you just see fans acting like fucking idiots, you're getting into fights. You're like, come on,

man, they're going to judge our whole city by this. What are you doing? So yeah, it's been, you know, been a bad week. It's,

but I did have that set. So it was good. So they, they sit, they stay in their cars. Yes. And they're not allowed it's la parking so i mean it's jammed in i'll tell you what man we had uh we had we were in philly last night did uh

900 cars fucking amazing at the old vet the parking lot for the vet and uh and initially they were like you know no one's allowed out of their cars and then and then they you know philadelphia like where the phillies and eagles played yeah yeah the whole parking lot bill was like a quarter mile long it was fucking massive it was amazing i did have a panic that i was like shit this philly is where Bill had his hiccup with the crowd. And I was like, Philly's unruly. It was not a hiccup. It was a face plant. So I was like, shit.

Initially, they were like, no one's allowed to leave their cars. And people were kind of pissed. Fucking Philly just did a rework. They just climbed out their sunroofs and sat on the hoods of their cars it was fucking amazing amazing i can hear it in your voice dude i was like you're all your voice is blown out oh dude i was i mean it was like and then i got in the golf cart and do a meet and greet drive around and like everyone's leaving traffic-wise, fucking out of this world. But them being out of their cars is the game changer.

Once they can, like the one we're doing tonight in Cape Cod, they have roped off areas that you have purchased where you bring your car in and then you, that's your space. So you're like, everyone's like, like last night, every car, they had a space between every car. I love that they're figuring it out. Oh, dude, this place in Cape Cod is fucking amazing. Three huge jumbotrons, like the one last night Bill Live Nation put on,

two huge jumbotrons next to the stage, and then three jumbotrons throughout the parking lot so everyone could see everything perfectly. It is, I'm telling you, ma'am, this show last night, everyone will end up doing that. If we stay in quarantine for much longer, it's an option for comics. I don't see, I did a show in Butler, Pennsylvania. That was one of the best shows I've ever done in my life. A tiered drive-in.

So it was into the side of a hill. It was fucking crazy, Bill. Are you going to put out like a drive-in, it was into the side of a hill it was fucking crazy bill are you gonna put out like a drive-in uh like coffee book stand up drive-in coffee book just like with just you should i mean i i mean i know like you're on a small budget because of of all all this extra money you have to spend with travel and all that but like you got a photographer to start snapping pictures because this is gonna be i mean you go back and you look at those uh the spanish flu or whatever the fuck it was influenza and all of that like those pictures are really interesting um i just don't know if picture a picture is

interesting nowadays i think just because so many it's just like an idiot like me with a cell phone but like you know what's really underrated that nowadays is a loss as a professional photographer with like a real camera and someone that can like capture you know those honest like moments rather than you know the selfies and and look at this picture look at this picture we took the other day bill selfies and and look at this picture look at this picture we took the other day bill hang on look at this picture it didn't get barely any likes this is a real picture we took in memphis jesus christ lightning striking right above the tour bus in and no everyone's like nowadays you're right people look at that and they go oh that's photoshop that's not real and it's a real fucking picture but then or they'll say shit like uh great pic

but what's up with the color of that bus laughing my ass off shaking my head they got to look into the corners of the picture so they can be the original person dude it's uh i mean i posted a picture of me and my buddy, you know, my buddy who passed away and it was just the same shit. Yeah. You know, you should bury those fucking dad jeans with your, you know, it's just like, I get it.

You're edgy. You're funny. I get it. I get it. Yeah, like, you know, like you were wearing today's styles in 1999. I understand. So are they going to keep doing more shows at the Magic Castle? That sounds fun. Like you were wearing today's styles in 1999. I understand. So, so, um, so are they going to keep doing more shows at the magic castle? That sounds fun. Oh,

I hope so. I mean, I'm going to try to like go down there. Um, cause now that I I've seen what it's like and everything and everybody is safe. Uh, there's always a couple of jerk offs without fucking masks on,

you know, or the guy who has it down and he's breathing out of his nose and it's here. It's just like, what is the point? And then they want to come up and talk to you. It's just like, buddy, what are we doing here? Don't you want to help this fucking thing end? So there's always a couple of people like that. And I'll tell you, I never say anything, but it is annoying.

I'll tell you the thing. Here's what I noticed I have uh I was talking to someone they're like yeah man I can't do drive-ins those are shit shows everyone's honking I go says who I said you've never been to one and he goes well that's what my agent said and I was like your agent hasn't been to one like fuck off agents are so afraid of losing clients because they're not making any money right now that they're scaring their clients into staying with them. When the truth is, there's – Why can't their agent just book them at the drive-in?

Because it's not that easy. There's only a couple promoters doing drive-ins. So it's kind of tough to get into right now. You just said Live Nation's doing it. What's Live Nation's doing? Live Nation's doing this one. This is brand new. I was the first, I think, person to do this show michael blackson

no no no no no no i meant shut up bill shut up this stage just went up yeah so it just went up yesterday but um but there are going to be options like what chapelle's doing different stuff out there that we can all do and try. And I think, I think agents scare people into doing it. Brian Regan's doing a run. Nikki Glazer's doing a run. And I'm telling you, man, there's so much fun to be had at these things. And I got letters from people that are like, you know, Hey, my husband's a cop. It's been a rough, been a rough run. It's so nice.

You know, that, that we put on nice clothes and went out and got out of the house for the first time in six months, you know, it's been a rough summer and you're like, and that's what I think is, that's what I think is so cool about them doing it. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Dude. It's so funny that just a different experience you can have you're a fun guy

on stage i'm a cunt and then you know that's what happens the uh the last yesterday we're driving through philly and those those kids on dirt bikes like the rough riders like tmx all surround our car and they're just doing fucking wheelies and shit. And there's fucking a van full of late 40s men with their cell phones videotaping these 12-year-olds, 15-year-old kids on motorcycles. And they're just, and then some kid fucking wrecked. Yeah, that happened. Have you seen this one guy?

He's the best I've ever seen as far as doing wheelies. He does it on like a Harley like a like a like a with the bags the whole fucking thing and like flip-flops in Larry Bird shorts and dude he has like the back scraping on it doesn't even make sense it's he has it looks like he's on a road king that I I wish I could do that shit when we went to Sturgis there were guys they just go down the strip and they're going on their motorcycle just standing on their seat arms wide open going to like fucking 50 and you're like fuck that i could not do that i mean i don't know what i like that people do that

but i can't well i can't watch i gotta look away. What's the reward? I saw it today. This guy was doing one of those fucking backflips off, you know, in a quarry. And he fucking did it the wrong way and landed on the rocks and then went in. It's just like, I mean, it's just these fucking kids. It's just like you just went from the prime of your life to now you can't beat Joe Namath in a fucking foot race. You went from prime of your life to I played 20 years in the NFL fucking 50 years ago. I mean, I just was like, that's Patella, Femur, fucking. Dude.

It was like Wile E. Coyote, except it was a person. I don't know why my ac isn't i gotta turn my ac on just talk amongst yourselves real quick okay hang on hang on hang on hang on hang on all right that should do it sorry okay um so i get a phone call from leanne the other day i wake up at like noon and i get a phone call from leanne and she doesn't look right she's crying and i'm like what's up i actually i knew something's off because she was in her bra she never calls me if she's in like, if she's always FaceTime to me fully clothed cause she knows I'll take pictures.

So calls me. She passed out walking into the kitchen, landed on her face. Teeth went through her lip and knocked herself unconscious. Woke up in a pool of blood. like what the fuck was so out of it from concussion that she then worked out went and met the contractor for the new house and then she called me she was like i think i hurt myself and i'm like her face is fucked up beyond recognition didn't say anything you must must think you're a wife.

Contractor was like, what are you doing here? She's like, oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I was like, go to the hospital. Dude, I joke around about, I joke around about, like, my wife. I make a lot of jokes. They took her to the hospital, and they're like, yeah, we're going to keep you here. There's something wrong.

Like, it could be a brain tumor. It could be, like, the panic that went through my heart. The idea that that i would have to raise my kids i'm hoping there's a happy ending to this she um they they're doing they're they don't really have an answer they think that they think that it's either uh exhaustion or that she has a electrical problem in her heart that just flickers every now and then and it just made her faint. She's fainted before but never to this level, never to like... Not like that Hank Natter stuff from Reggie Lewis, is it? What's that?

They were basketball players and they had something going. I forget what it was, some sort of irregular heartbeat or arrhythmia or whatever. I i mean i don't know what they they um yeah they would collapse yeah i was oh no she's i think she they think she's fine they're doing tests on her heart right now but man the idea of being a single parent for a second i had it like in my head i was like oh i got real angry i was like so life's not fun anymore i guess i guess i just don't do stand-up i guess i just move home and then raise two kids and then what i guess i guess i'm not you know like i got real fucking angry you didn't think about her at all not in the slightest i was like i was like leanne doesn't care leanne just be like

well i'm dying i'm so sorry i'm leaving you guys. But this is life. This is a circle of life. And I'm sitting there going, no, it's not. That's not fucking cool. I literally was like, I'm supposed to die first. How dare you outdie me? Outdie? You mean preemptively die.

Outdie would mean you died too. I don't want to be a cunt here. But this is what I am. She's fine now. Her face is still really fucked up yeah I go back and forth like I want to live to 100 but I don't want to live I don't want to say anything out loud with the way my friends are fucking dropping like flies um speaking of which I gotta call your fucking heart doctor yeah oh is that Oh, is that what got the text? Yeah.

I got this year alone, two heart attacks, a stroke, and an aneurysm. People in and out of both in-show business and out-of-show business in the last, like, I don't know how many months. So it's just like, we are at that age. Yeah. We are at that age. I'm going to, when I get to Macon, no more booze, and I may just run that through the end of the year.

Unquestionably good. They are fantastic. Refreshing seltzer with natural ingredients and no artificial flavors. Bill, this is a perfect pre-show cocktail. If light, refreshing, salt. That was just what I was drinking. Dude, let me tell you something. These are amazing.

Put it on ice. I pour them over ice. Drink it right out of the can. I had them with Bon Mise the other day in Philly. Lemon, lime, black cherry, mango, strawberry. 100 calories. 100 calories. Let me tell you something.

Four of these really does the trick. One gram of sugar. So you get balls going to get fat. Wonderful. Where was that? Where was that, Bert? You look at me and pictures me in the past with my giant Charlie Brown head. Well, God bless you and Bud Light Seltzer.

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I'm over 600 days. Yeah, someone just asked me about that. I don't even think about it anymore. I really don't. Really? No, it just doesn't even, you know what it is? It doesn't occur to me. Like I haven't had a cigar since January 29th. I'm going to have one tonight. The first one since then, but in a way I'm a little bummed out because it doesn't occur to me

to have one anymore. Like I only need to go like 40, 50 days. Alcohol was longer. Because alcohol like, you know, cigars like a celebration, the moment or whatever, where alcohol was it was just there. You know what I mean? Do a show, do a shot, you know, going out to dinner, have a glass of wine. It was just it wasn't like, you know, alcohol is just so. There all the time, everywhere you go, it takes it took me a while to have stopped to be at places where there's alcohol and to not see it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I've been there like is there still any feelings there i think i finally cried all the whiskey out of me so um cigar i smoked a cigar in uh i think we were in amarillo we were at a lake and uh we were on a, and the lake was below us. I would say Bobby Lane lived there.

Who's Bobby Lane? Bobby Lane, one of the great quarterbacks in the NFL of all time. Oh, probably, yeah. He's sort of the original Ken Stabler. Ken Stabler modeled a lot of his career after him where he would go out, you know, he'd have booze on his breath in the huddle and still win the game and the championship for you. Yeah.

Was Amarillo where Texas Tech is? Or is that Lubbock? I don't know. I fucked that whole thing up. I apologize to everybody in Texas. No, we were in Amarillo and we were on a cliff overlooking a lake and a thunderstorm was coming across the lake and lightning was everywhere.

But it was far away and it was lighting up the sky and I broke down. I broke down, went in the bus, got got a cigar sat in a fucking lawn chair i thought you meant you started crying i was like oh god i don't want to hear no no we were drinking and i fucking lit a cigar and i was like i'm gonna have a cigar it's my first cigar i've had probably probably definitely since quarantine since march definitely oh cool it was weird that you would you haven't smoked them but you brought them i have them with me all the time i bill i always have weed with me and i never smoke you just want to just well just in case just in case i hope you're not going across

state lines where it's not legal end up in some fucking tommy ch shit. I think we're good on the way. Getting here was a little sketchy. I was nervous in Texas and Arizona. Oh, my God. Those guys, they're just waiting to take out their fucking miserable existence on you. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know, Texas isn't as great as they say it is, so they wouldn't have to talk about it all the time. Tell that to Rogan and fucking... everyone's moving to Texas, apparently. I love when you say everyone. All it takes is two, three people. Everyone's leaving Hollywood. I start panicking. I text Whitney Cummings.

I'm like, you're not leaving, are you? And she's like, well, I don't know. Taxes are, you know, dot, dot, dot. Joey Diaz is going. Ari's going to Texas Joe's gonna have Ari was in New York he left a long time ago

did you see Big J get attacked Big J got attacked no he was doing an outdoor show and they were on stage about what the fuck would Big Jay do on stage? It would make something.

He has such like a, I mean, I know he's a little blue, but like I always just thought he had a, his vibe is great. Like I don't see him, like even when he makes fun of people, the way he makes fun of them is in such a playful way. What happened? is in such a playful way what happened he was the girl was losing her mind for every comic that went up it was like at one point apparently this is all i mean allegedly i wasn't there but i heard from jay apparently at one point was screaming like a baby like screaming throwing a temper tantrum her dad claims she's an alcoholic bipolar bipolar. And Jay just went up.

Oh, she's not a feminist. Yeah. Jay just, what is in that bag? Oh, Jay just went up. Thank you. Yay! Bud Light Seltzer. Jay just went up and started messing with her.

White woman this and privilege this and then her brother came up to the stage her brother's like a porn star or a porn director this is a great family yeah well their dad's a fan of the legion of skanks so that should tell you everything you need to know about this family

hey big Jay live by the sword die by the sword your fan base is so crazy wow the dad or the brother came up grabbed jay by the ankle and ripped jay off the stool off the stage jay fell six feet off the stage onto the dude and then luis j gomez jumped on him and apparently legion of skanks fans bum-rushed this dude and I think put him in the hospital and in jail. He went to jail.

Oh, you got the video? Most importantly, how's it going? You got the video. Yeah, right? I sent it to you, Bill. I texted it to you if you want to watch it. Ari shot him. Yeah, look at this.

Dude, first of all, is he the Hulk? Who ripped Big Jay? Who just grabs Big Jay by the ankle and fucking yanks him off? He pulls the legs of the stool, I believe. Oh, is that it? That's still amazing. Yeah, it was – dude, Jay was on a live stream. I'm in the bus, and he's talking about it.

And I just called Jay. I was like, tell me everything I need to know. Yeah, right? I take that back. Yeah, he pulls one ankle. He pulls his right ankle off. Yeah, and that is Luis Jay Gomez. No, no, no, no, no.

He came from behind. No, no, that's Luis Jay. Gomez coming to stop the fight. It looks like he gets – it looks like Luis is knocking J. off, but – That looks like an old Burt Reynolds movie, like Hooper or something. I'm just laughing because I know he's all right. He's fine. But that other guy is not good. That was no joke.

That was a fall. Yeah. Six feet in the air and about fucking 20 yards not 20 feet it was fucking it was intense stand-up comedy i'm glad you told the big j story before i told my fuck you fuck you and she drove away story i couldn't follow that wow yeah having someone having someone walk during a drive-in and i've had that where they leave early is extremely distracting extremely like when they go back up pull out drive in front of the stage you gotta look at the make and the model and then you gotta do a whole backstory

because i was doing that last night like oh, oh, man, look at all the Priuses, fucking liberal crowd. Someone with a lift kit to balance this crowd out. Did you hear what Colin said? He said something about making fun of cars, and he's like, look at this guy in a 1997 Mercedes-Benz. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, that's your next act, Rich Voss. It's crazy.

I knew I wasn't original. So, yeah, I mean, it's crazy that with everything going on, there are still people that are looking to get outraged. They're going out of their way to find outrage that that they can't just put things on pause and go not for me you know you know what kills me is i have a bigger chance of offending people in front of a crowd of white women than i do doing like the black show oh yeah one of the uptown shows the uptown shows are like you know if you don't bomb they're fun but even if you bomb it doesn't get ugly

and it's like you can literally joke about like the sense of humor that African Americans have is and you just look at feminists they just just, they have, that's the thing. They have absolutely zero sense of humor about themselves. Yeah. Everybody else is okay to make fun of. You make fun of them. They're just like, they're, you know,

it's not all of them. Cause my wife was a feminist and she's got a great sense of humor, but these like, uh, I don't know. Feminism meets morons. Like you're're just a they're just fucking morons and uh but i will say though they are very they know how to apply the pressure they apply pressure where the money's at you know they go to the corporation and they know corporations act like the mob this

guy's bringing too much heat whack them get rid of them that's that's all they're doing and uh what's crazy though is that they... The tipping point is when networks and agencies and whatever, big companies stand by and just go, well, okay, if you can prove what you're saying then well and then it just goes away in three days but they they they get all sucked into the bubble um it do it there's so much i could say but like i don't want to like i am a big believer in not trashing other comics publicly i really am yeah you know there no, there's no money in it. We can all get each other's phone numbers. You want to call that person up and vent

or just do what everybody else does. You had your close buddy in comedy and go off on the person that you don't like, you know, to fucking do it on the internet. It's just like, it's like you're, you're acting like one of those bots, you know, that are just, they're just there to disrupt shit. I don't know. You know what, you know what bums me out? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I don't.

I hate that. I hate that shit. Because I look at things like, I get on the phone with Nikki Glaser and I start telling her about one of these gigs. And I'm like, hey, you need to get hooked up with the merch guy. Like, that is what I got into comedy for is the camaraderie and the fucking bullshitting. And there are comics I don't like. And I text privately with other people or you. I go, I'll go like, you know, what about this guy?

Or back and forth. But to do it out loud, I just don't get it. And then what's even crazier. As much as I don't like somebody, I would never pile on to try and help ruin their career if I had no evidence. If I wasn't even there. As much as I didn't like somebody's act, I just...

That's the thing that's really sad about a lot of this stuff. And it's just it's creating this division it's like when i see somebody do that it's going to be real weird if they say hello to me because there's no way for me to not have in my head like well yeah hello now and then what are you going to say tomorrow online if there's even a gentle breeze blowing in my direction it's just like that's that's not that's not i don't know i just i don't it's not how i was fucking brought up dude you don't somebody's laying in the fucking gutter you start you fucking start peeing on him because

of your own personal bullshit i don't know there's a comic that Patrice and I saw, Headline, in Edinburgh. And Patrice and I were breaking down why this guy was good. Like, what was good about this guy? Like, I mean, he's not my style of comedy, nor is he Patrice's style of comedy, but we sat there and we picked apart, like, what we loved about what he was doing

and how it was good and what was brilliant about his act. I never forgot that. I never forgot that I watched this guy do a full hour. It was the first time I saw a person do a full hour before. I'd never seen anyone do an hour. And I sat with Patrice. And then later that night, the guy didn't know who Patrice or I were, but we said hi. He knew that we were American. He's American. And he was fairly nice, but aloof. I won't say his name. The other day, I saw that he had liked a tweet i was

mentioned in you know how that comes up in your twitter though if you go to the verified people liked a tweet i was mentioned in a tweet was someone saying they hoped or they were pretty sure that i was going to be the next person up for sexual assault charges. Like, I don't know, man. Rogan's friends are all sketchy. Burt Kreischer's definitely got some dirt. And this guy liked it. This guy that's a celebrity comedian, he wasn't mentioned in the tweet, Bill. He was looking through the internet for fucking –

and by the way, he's a big comic. And he was sitting there in his fucking underwear and his shirt eating ice cream on the internet just going, yeah, fuck Burt Kreischer and Tom Segura. Fuck those guys. And he liked it. And he retweeted it. What a fucking cunt. I want to call him out publicly because he's a cunt.

But I don't because, listen, man, I hope he does well also. Like, I have no idea. If you've got a problem with him, get his number and call him up. That's how you handle it. You handle the shit – it's like that Ellen shit. Okay, the show got a little sideways. Maybe she did something. Maybe she didn't.

I mean, you fucking adults sit down – like, to sit there and whine to the public who's just sitting there – not everybody, but generally the public. It's just entertainment. Throw another but generally the public they just it's just entertainment yeah throw another log on the fire yeah because that dude that really is like um um i don't know it's it's starting to go into now where it's just like if someone thinks you're mean your dream is over it's just like now what's it going to be what what's it going to be three years from now no you know it's slightly aggressive and and what and what i think it is i think there are lower way he said good morning i just it made me uncomfortable i think there are comics seeing that there are spots opening up they're going wow

we took to leah down now we got a spot open i think there are comics seeing that there are spots opening up. They're going, wow, we took D'Elia down, now we got a spot open. I think there are comics that look at this business that way. And they go, if we cancel enough guys, then there will be spots. Maybe I can get more spots. And maybe I really believe that there are people that think that way. Because I don't necessarily

think that that's what's, I don't think that that's what's behind the movement. I do think after somebody gets taken out, that there's a lot of... No, I don't think that that's what's behind the movement. I do think after somebody gets taken out, that there's a lot of... No, I don't think that that's what happened to... I don't think that that is what's happening with the movement, but I think there are comics that are excited that people are getting taken down

because they're like, okay, now I get a shot at my million dollars. I think that there really is. I had a female comic called... Yeah, you wouldn't be wrong. You wouldn't be wrong that there are unfortunately in all industries there's people like that but um my thing is i i feel like uh the same way we have to keep ourselves out there by putting stuff out you know specials and getting an acting gig or sending out stuff on social media. I feel like movements have to keep themselves out there. And, you know, when you're doing what they're doing,

you need, you just got to take somebody out every once in a while to remind people that that's what you're doing. And, you know, like, I'm not,'m not dude i'm gonna be honest like this some that i'm like yeah man that looks like that person did some shit and then there's others where it just looks like dude that is like hot held together with like fucking honey and scotch tape this is like this is bullshit this is just a bad date and um but they all get treated with the same like you know they just I don't know and then at the same time and they're the people that do that are then asking for you to support it and it's just like you know I definitely support stopping that type of behavior I I mean, as far as somebody being mean at work,

I don't give a fuck about that. Okay, that's in-house shit. But I mean, this whole sexual assault thing, like, I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with signing off on, you know, just everything from like, you know, there's 40 people saying this to like a sliver of two DMs pasted together from seven years ago. And you're supposed to, you know, sound the fucking alarm.

I mean, I. You see all this shit of people going to jail for shit that they didn't fucking do. And they actually got a goddamn trial. So, I mean, you're doing it this way is, I mean, I just, I don't know. It's that they're playing a very dangerous game. So, but also having said that, you know, I talked to a female comic like 10 days ago and she told me some fucking stories and I was just like wow and then and she said yeah man when I see some guy getting going down my first thought is good fuck him and after

hearing her stories it's like you know what I understand that I I do understand that so I bet I bet I really hope what I really hope will happen is eventually that it's gonna that the the initial blast of anger of like this is what's been going on all this fucking time you fucking asshole guys will eventually come back to take now everybody knows that okay now we can like go back to now now there's people there's people you can report shit to and all of that then there can be evidence they can be an investigation and all of that stuff so you can make sure that when you nail somebody's ass to the wall that they they did something that they definitely you

know i don't know it's it's a um i don't know i don. It's like, it's, you know what it is? When you, I think when you talk to, especially female comics, like it's, it's like being in a boat and someone saying, are there any sharks in there? And you're like, well, I don't see anything from above the water. And women are below the water because they see the sexual harassment and all this shit. And they're like, oh yeah, there's tons of fucking sharks in there. And you're like, that's funny. I don't see any fins. And you're like, yeah, they're not going to show you the fins because they're going to treat you differently and so I think that's

probably what it is um because I don't I'm not a I'm not like a guy that chases pussy so like you're never gonna hear me talking about that you know at the clubs I'm just gonna be like in anyone want to get a drink and then I bounce so how psyched are you that that's the way you were dude can I tell you I am so grateful I am so grateful that I had no game that I have a hard time kissing people like it it for whatever reason I have such a difficult time with the first kiss and I wanted Bill I wanted so badly to slide be able to slide into people's DMs and fucking, and try to kiss chicks, push them up against the wall and like make out. I wanted that shit in my life. I just am not that guy.

And I could never do it. And I hated myself for it. I was like embarrassed that I'm just a, I'm just a like uncomfortable fucking dude. just an uncomfortable fucking dude. I remember being with someone, these girls, we were in this room and there was this guy, another comic, and he thought we were gonna fuck. I was so uncomfortable with the idea

of asking these two girls to fuck both of us at the same time that I couldn't stop making jokes about it. And he was like, hey, turn it off, turn it off. You're fucking it up. And I was like, I just got to leave. I do not get fucking while there's some other people fucking in the same room. I have never understood that. I don't understand, you know, me and my buddy tag team this chick.

And it's just like, I think I won. If I just like, like, okay, you're hooking up with the chick. I never think like, oh, wow, I wish my buddy was here. I never understood. I never understood. Like, I remember coming to New York and you'd hear comics talk about doing the road together. And then we both fucked this chick. And I'm like, gross.

Like, that's disgusting. Like, I won't. You know what? I actually, let's just get off this fucking subject because I swear to God, like someone will edit this fucking thing up, you know, and they think it's funny. They think it's fucking funny. I don't know. Yeah.

Weird times. Weird fucking times. Yeah. I mean, I'm ready for clubs to open up. I'm ready for theaters to open up. I'm ready to – I have a brand new bit that I'm in love with, but you can't work it out the way you would in a club where you do like three shows, belly room, OR, main room,

and then run over the improv, bang one out, and then you're like, okay, that bit is solid. We've got that up and running. Well, maybe there'll be three parking lots near each other. You can get a little fucking scooter. No, if they just, in the Grove, you just have a show on the level one, a show on level two, a show on level three, and you're like, oh, I'm going to go –

Have you seen any good movies or anything out there? No, nothing. Nothing? Nothing, nothing. I need to – you watching hockey playoffs, anything like that? I grew up in Tampa. We didn't – when I was a kid – Lightning.

Lightning were up 2-1 against Columbus. Yeah, but the Lightning weren't there when I was a kid. The Lightning weren't there when I was a kid, so I never got to play lacrosse, hockey, all the white guy sports that I would have been good at. I never got to play. What about the Devil Race? Are they going to be the next Expos?

Are they going to move to Montreal? I don't know. So I've set up events every day for us to do on this trip, right? Every day I have some socially distant, safe event, usually at the parking lot. So we had these CrossFit guys come out and do a CrossFit day for us. Today they're going crabbing. Everyone's going crabbing today in Cape Cod. So the other day, I get this guy to set up a pitching machine

in the parking lot. And it's wet. They're rubble balls. It really sucks. And then he's like, fuck it. I paid a buttload of money to have a batting cage and a pitching machine there, but it's too wet to use it. So then the guy goes, fuck it. Just grabs a buttload of money to have a batting cage and a pitching machine there, but it's too wet to use it. So then the guy goes, fuck it, just grabs a bucket of balls, and he threw batting practice to us in the drive-in movie theater. Bill, I have never had more fun in my fucking life. I mean, I have been watching videos of me swinging a bat all day long. I'm just watching videos going, because I never got to see myself swing a bat as a kid.

Like you never got videos of yourself playing baseball. Like it was videos were hard to come by back then. This is the first time I'm watching myself swing a bat. And I am like, I cannot stop looking at it. I'm like, God damn it. I have a beautiful fucking swing.

It was so much fun. Just hitting dingers in a drive-in movie theater. You're fucking hilarious, dude. You're a shit talker. God damn, I have a beautiful swing. Dude, I have wanted to see myself swing a baseball bat my whole life. My whole life. When I was in – when I was like in – in when i was in when i was probably like 13

we got a first camcorder right and my dad had a camcorder but it was horrible fucking footage through a fence over in the stands like no one cared about like framing or anything so i barely and i got i had i had two base hits that my dad filmed on that tape. And then in high school, someone videotaped me one time. I saw myself swing one time. And I was like, oh, man, I would love to see more of that. I was up last night drinking by myself, watching myself swing and hit the baseball. I was like, this is crazy, man.

You know, Bert, the longer I do this, the more I get into your whole psychological makeup. I'm broken, man. You know, Bert, the longer I do this, the more I get into your whole psychological makeup. I'm broken, Bill. Yeah, I never knew. I always thought that you were one of those. I'm fucking with you. I don't think you're broken, broken. But I thought, you know, because you got married younger.

I always thought the comics you got married younger and had kids were a lot more grounded than i'll tell you what's up is uh one of my buddies sent me a video um of my buddy who died of us we went to an anaheim angels game april 2nd 1997. whoa and and like just watching like wait, what do you see yourself in five years? And almost everybody said married couple of kids, hopefully selling tickets. Like I feel, I took me back to that time in my life where I always wanted to be married. I always wanted to have a family, but it always felt five years away, no matter what age I was at. And I starting to think like god damn is this ever gonna um happen for me and I and I and I was always um like um I got more envious of comics

personal lives the more the more regular they were than than I did of their acts. And, oh, he got this or she got that or whatever. I was envious of like, you know, this guy comes down, he does the show, and then he goes home to a family. Like, what's that like? Instead of me hanging out here trying to stay out as long as I can so when I go home I just pass out and go to sleep and I don't have to live. Because it's weird. You're not lonely in the morning when you wake up

It's weird. It's for me. It was nighttime going home alone. Just sitting in your fucking place by yourself was That that's when the demons and the smoke and everything would fucking catch up with me and I remember there was a few guys It was one guy he's always come down to the comedy salon flaking on his name and he's you know he's much older than I am and he'd been married for like 40 years I get married for 40 years he goes I have not kissed another woman in like 43 years because he met his wife and dated her like three years and his kid was like 27. And I was just looking like, it's like, you do this great job, but you're totally normal.

You know what I mean? I was really like, you know, I used to look at guys like Ray Romano. And when I would look at Ray Romano, I wasn't looking at his, he had like a killer sitcom, which the thing is still hilarious and relevant now.

And it went into syndication and he's got this this amazing you know becomes this amazing actor you know as good an actor as he is a comedian and all of that and but the thing with him i would watch him just like you know he married you know he got married young and he had kids and it's just like, he, like that was the part of his life that I, that I wanted. I wasn't looking at like, Oh my God,

this guy's doing these corporate gigs and he's whatever, whatever. I mean, I don't know what he's doing. He's doing these celebrity golf tournaments and shit. I didn't give a fuck about any of that. It's like, this guy comes home with two,

three kids. Yeah. You know, the park and or whatever, three kids. Yeah. You know, to the park or whatever. Just does normal shit. And, yeah, I think if I could have done it over again, who knows? But then that changes what, you know, that's like that said back to school. Not back to school.

Back to the future shit. I was in such a panic to work in this business I remember people were friends with like like I remember someone was friends with an executive at like a network and I remember thinking how can you be friends with them like wouldn't you be pitching them the whole time like wouldn't you always have an idea to pitch them and they're like no I'm just there's like my friend I just hang out with them and I was like i could never do that like i i need to i need to i was amazed people could make money like when i'd see people that owned a house i'd be like how the fuck did you get a house like that is so amazing to me that you you saved up like what how like i remember thinking where did you get the big check

from like you got to put a down payment on a house like what was your like did you know and also have the proof that you're going to continue to be making this money dude I there's so many moments in comedy that I just remember shit I remember Anthony Clark coming into the um the comedy connection in the beginning of the year in like 93 or 94, and his agent had just sent him his entire year of dates. And it was just like punchline, improv, all the great things. And I just remember sitting there going like, I can't imagine what it's like to be at that level to just, because at that point I was my own manager, agent, the whole thing. And I'm calling, this is Bill Burr calling. I mean, I was still at Nick's Comedy Stop.

And the woman who booked it used to make me say, this is open mic-er Bill Burr. And I used to laugh and I would do it. Now what's funny about that is that should be like, you know, it was really degrading. And I feel like you did that to me because I was a redhead. And it was just like, I laughed about it. And I actually still said open mic or Bill Burr, even when I had moved on to hosting and like even like featuring. And she doesn't work there anymore.

And she lives out here in LA and every once in a while, there'd be some sort of reunion thing. And she would show up and she would be like, Hey, open Micah Bill Burr. Hey, what's going on? That's right.

You got any spots to me Monday night? And we would laugh. I don't know. Oh, and we would laugh. I remember, know oh and we would laugh I remember I remember I remember getting my first deal and they were like uh so we want to bring you out to LA um what week works for you and I was like every single week you have like I have nothing to do and they were like I love you didn't know enough to be like let me check my calendar they flew me out bill i swear to god they flew me out and they're like so um so we'll fly you back and then when and when we have other meetings we'll fly you

there and i was like i was like i don't i can just stay here and they're like what do you mean i was like are you i'll just stay here and they're like you can stay out here for us and i was like yeah they're like how long and i was like how long do you need me and they're like it'd be great if you could stay out here for like seven months and i was like yeah i was like yeah and they're like how long and i was like how long do you need me and they're like it'd be great if you could stay out here for like seven months and i was like yeah i can do that and they're like bill i stayed in a hotel for seven months in at the universal sheridan they paid for it the entire time gave me a rental car and i just didn't leave i was like i have nothing to do i was like i'll do spots at night but the fuck like you gave me money universal sheridan yeah i said i think about that every time there's two hotels i think about i But the fuck? Like, you gave me money? I stayed at Universal Sheraton. Yeah.

I think about that every time. There's two hotels I think about. I think of whenever I see them. I think, you know, if I'm flying. Yeah. When I fly out of Burbank, when you go through the Coanga Pass, not trying to big league everybody, but I always look at that thing, and I remember staying there.

And I had some big role. I can't remember if I even got it they put me up there and then the test was like on the lot right next to it this is before they had all the crazy I think they just had the backdraft ride at that point and and then there's that one when you go into the Lincoln Tunnel it was a days in, I don't know what it's called. And I actually found that I have in my scrapbook. I have the key. When I first came down to New York, I stayed there and went through that place roommate finders to try and find a roommate to try to find a place to live because I didn't know anybody in New York and I needed a place. And I stayed there and I would take the PATH train in and then I would go to Times Square, that Howard Johnson's that used to be there and there was a pay phone and I'd have a fucking $10.

I remember that. They used to put the Delta flight attendants there. Yeah. Well, this is just a restaurant. I guess there was a hotel there. There was a hotel above it, I think. Yeah. I just knew the restaurant.

I didn't even look behind it but i would just call to try and you know and just meet all of these and this is when new york was just so still like just really like sketchy you know i mean it was just really like every person was like a character and fucking really weird, really weird. Like it's a different kind of weird now where it's like sort of Mayberry weird, you know, with all the glass towers and just the level of money. I feel like you have to have, I met, I met a guy when I was,

when I was looking for roommates and trying to find an apartment in New York and wanting to be a comedian. I'll never forget. I'll never forget this guy was like, uh, it was a broker. I think it was a broker. And he was like, so what do you, what do you do? And I said, I'm a comedian. And he goes, Hey, my roommate's comedian. I said, really? And he goes, yeah, Russ Meneve. And I went, Oh, wow. And I remember thinking, Bill, I hope one day I have a roommate who gets to say, Hey, my a comedian Burt Kreiser and it'd be

true I was like I just want it to be true because he said Russ Meany but I knew Russ and I was like oh yeah oh yeah he's a comedian and I was not I mean I was not a comedian really I was just hanging out at the clubs I wasn't getting spots but uh that's so crazy those little things when you're younger that like blow your mind I mean I remember I remember seeing- Back then in 95, in 95, a one bedroom apartment in New York City was 700 bucks a month. And I just remember thinking, how the fuck,

I couldn't make that money in fucking three months. Yeah. That's all the money I would make. Like how in the fuck does somebody take $700 and go here every month and they can still eat? Yeah, God. You imagine paying 700 bucks to live in Manhattan now? and go here every month and they can still eat. Yeah. God.

Can you imagine paying $700 to live in Manhattan now? By the way, it'll be like that. It'll be like that in a fucking year. Why? Are people leaving then? Everyone's leaving. Everyone's leaving big cities to go to suburbs. I mean, I just talked to my lawyer.

Just lie it out. They'll be back. You think? Yes. go to suburbs i mean i just talked about they'll be back think yes but you're you're you're an everyone guy yeah probably met two people that lie everyone's leaving everyone's leaving everyone everyone i speak in hyperbole my wife says it's never it's never the fact it's just i i want i feel like people don't feel how i feel when like two of my friends leave LA, I am upset about it. So I want everyone to go, I want everyone to know that everyone's leaving.

And then Leanne's like, it's Joe and it's fine. He's, you know, he's gonna be back and forth. I'm like, yeah, but, and then Joey's leaving. And she's like, I know, but I go, but Joey and Joe are two of my close friends. Like that feels like everyone. She's like- No, that's, it's sad. It is sad because I know that I'm assuming Joe is going to be flying back

and forth doing the podcast. He's building a studio out there, I think. But it's an end of an era. It is. I mean, it's like you go down to the store and you saw those guys. I mean, that's a crater. That's definitely a shift. There are, that I can think of, six dudes that were huge store guys

that are now probably not going to be store guys because they're either moving or something went down with the, you know, with the whatever cancel culture that you look at it and you go, I remember bill. I remember going into a show right when I booked that, um, that call and stick to work show that we were going to do the day my special dropped. I remember thinking, this is insane. Like, this is crazy. Bill Burr, Sebastian, David Spade, Rogan, Segura. Like, I'm listening to these guys going like,

this is the best comedy's ever been. What could possibly happen? And then the coronavirus hits. And then taxes get up. Everyone starts fucking leaving. And you're like, oh, that's how that works. Oh, shit. Yeah.

I don't know. You know, but then what happens is new guys slide in. I mean, you know, back in the day, people were saying, think of the fucking names, dude. As great as those names are, there was Knights when it was like Pryor, Jim Carrey, Kinison. I mean, Dice, Eddie Griffin, like just the level of, you know, people that were like, I mean, yeah, that's a hell of a place. It's amazing.

I hope, I don't know, man. I don't know. Who knows what fucking happens. It's a good place to end the podcast. We did. Yeah, who knows what the fuck happens. Yeah, I'm sorry, dude. I'm in a real weird head space.

Like I, like if, if you told me that I was going to miss my buddies, that, that guy's funeral, like that, that, that,

cause it was a, cause there was no fucking way I would have driven back for that damn thing. It's just my stupid fucking Corona virus and all of this, you know, having kids now and shit, you gotta, you know, you gotta make decisions

differently but i'm gonna tell you this dude and i i promised the memory of him this dude when this fucking thing is over i'm gonna put together a goddamn show out there for that guy that's gonna make up for all of this shit so at least i was able to get the uh you know something to his funeral um yeah it just sucks so whatever sorry to bum everybody out but you know it is what it is but i'm back i had a good show last night okay i gotta all right everybody well that ends another uh wonderful bill burt pod cast uh dude it's great to see you, man. Even though we're not hanging out, but it's great that the shows are going good

and you're affecting people in a positive way. And I am for unity with comedians. Yes. Be together here. There's enough room for everyone. There's enough room for everybody and try not to be some bored person's entertainment as you fucking rip the heart out of somebody else with some, I don't know what,

what you're basing it on. All right, that's it. We'll talk to you next time. Thank you.