The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 29 w. Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: September 2, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle with Felipe Esparza about doing stand-up in Tijuana, dressing like the Terminator, and jokes from abroad.

Thank you so much to Bud Light Seltzer for being a presenting sponsor. We love these drinks and can't wait to tell you more about them. Keep listening for more. All right. Hey, everybody. Is it on me? There we go. Hey, what's going on, everybody?

It's time for another wonderful episode of The Bill. Or pod. Cast. All right. What's going on how are you uh today we have a guest as we do um one of my favorite comics who's doing something uh incredible uh felipe esparza our guest today has not one but two stand-up specials coming out, one in Anglaise and one in Español, correct? Correct.

That's amazing. So I have a million questions about this, but before we do, I just want to say you look great. Thanks, man. Yeah, you do look good, man. You've been working out. You're doing something. Since last year, I guess I've been going on a treadmill. I started at 15 minutes.

I started that day that you guys started that sober October. Yeah. I didn't stay sober, but I just worked out. I'm on a treadmill like 15 minutes a day, 20, 30, and now I'm at 45. That's awesome. Yeah. All right. Well, you look great. I got to tell you, I'm at 45. That's awesome. Yeah. All right. Well, you look great.

I got to tell you, I'm inspired by you. I went, I'm doing a thing right now, and they had us pick our menus. And they were like, vegan? Every time I see vegan, I think of you. And I was like, I can't do vegan, but I've been pescatarian so far for seven days. Pescatarian. That's just eating fish, right? Yeah, just fish.

And I got to be honest with you, I like it. I might stay pescatarian that's just eating fish right yeah just fish and it's i gotta be honest with you i like it i might i might stay pescatarian yeah fish is good dude it is good i don't know how many fish are left so you might want to get on that diet soon or just eat the man-made salmon no he'll probably have his own little salmon farm in the valley somewhere a salmon farm in the valley somewhere. You will. You can go out there. We'll have a fish farmer as a guest. And Bert will get in business with him.

So I think both Bill and my first question is, Felipe, do you get paid twice? One in pesos and one in... I didn't think of that. I wish. I wish. When they offered me the English one, I kind of suggested. I wish. I wish. When they offered me, like, the English one, I kind of suggested to do the Spanish one, too.

Really? Is that how this all came about? They asked me, how good is your Spanish? And I was like, I kind of lied. I said, it's good. I could do that. But I've never done stand-up in Spanish. When they had approached me, I just,

I don't think I had, like, maybe three minutes. That's it. had approached me I just I don't think I had like maybe three minutes that's it but I really had to work hard because I didn't know how to approach this I didn't know how to translate the words because my so let me see you but you could you can speak it right nah I could have lie I know all the lingos like,. I get away with it, man. I've been getting away with it for years. I go to the improv kitchen.

. . And they're like, yeah, yeah. But they're like on the back of their head. They know I'm a pocho, you know, a guy that doesn't know how to speak Spanish that well. And a lot of my English words... What does a pocho mean?

Someone who's, what, just been Americanized, born here? Yeah, or came from Mexico real young and eats hamburgers, likes pizza. That's enough to get called a pocho? Yes, man. I'm cut in between because my Spanish is just only good enough to get an extra corn from the corn man, or drive my way into places where there's a lot of Mexicans inside. Well, how good is it now after you did this special?

What did you do? Did you hang out with some people that spoke it? Did you go Rosetta Stone? That's the white guy way of doing it. That's what I do. I had a show at the comedy store, a Spanish show, and I didn't know that the Netflix people were going to show up to watch the show.

And I had to do it an hour but it was only like my second time doing an hour and it didn't go so well and they were talking to my agent outside the improv I'm sorry outside the Comedy Store and like they were saying I don't know if he's ready man he kind of messed up a lot of words and then switched back to English and Then he was speaking Spanglish, a lot of words that don't even make any sense. You know, and the crowd was laughing, but I don't think anybody in Latin America

is gonna understand what he's saying. So what did you have to do then? I had no idea. I had to go to Mexico. You what? I had to go to Mexico. I went to San Diego to the Comedy Palace because there was a Mexican comedian or this woman, she had sold out two shows on a Sunday and I was like, damn, the headliner on the main

room had half a room. She sold out two shows in the back. So I asked her, you know, like a young comic, you know, I waited for her to show up to the club. I came out of my car. Hey, I'm Felipe Esparza. You know, like a young comic, you know? I waited for her to show up to the club. I came out of my car. Hey, hey, I'm Felipe Esparza. Can I do like five minutes?

Can I open up for you? She said, sure, go ahead. Get off on time. So I did. Did she know who you were or no? She didn't care. She didn't care, man. She sold out two shows on Sunday.

They didn't want to give her the- So you went up to do five minutes. You just, I'm just gonna do five minutes in you're just, I'm just going to do five minutes in Spanish. I drove from my alley like two and a half hours just to ask her and she said yeah and it went well. So I kept going

back every other week. I didn't really have time to do this because I was on tour doing the Bad Ambre tour in English and then like every once in a while, I would have a day off to go do a Spanish show. So in San Diego, it was going well in San Diego, but my fans were coming to the show

and they speak English and Spanish. These are the Mexicans, man, that go do their jobs, who are lawyers, who doctors who are who speak english but on the weekends man they put on cowboy boots and they forget how to speak english you know they're like wearing boots with big old belt buckles talking shit claiming their mexican hometown for like as pride fuck you sinaloa but they all live in a valley like come on man but um oh do they get those guys were coming to my show and every time i mess up a spanish word they would laugh and just support me

but it didn't work i had to go to mexico so i went to tijuana to a place where they have comedy on Tuesday nights. And man, it was like we had to cross the border, man. I was paranoid, right? I was narcos. I watched every documentary, you know. I'm like every other white American man thinking that I'm going to get kidnapped. You know, like, you're a badass?

Who the fuck are you? You know? So you cross the border. I thought you'd be worried that they wouldn't think you were a citizen and they wouldn't let you back in. I didn't think that you were worried about going down there. I'm not worried about that because a lot of the INS border patrols, they're like comedy fans, you know? They know who I am.

I just go like this and they let me in. How was the show? You know? this and let me in yeah how was the show and but over there is different as soon as you get there man like there's their smell like it's not you're not in America no more like it's a smell of burnt tire burn trash I don't know burn body they're burning everything over there. And as soon as you cross the border, Mexican Border Patrol is wearing, like, leftover Marine uniform from Desert Storm.

You know, America probably donated. But, like, it's too tight. It's too big for him. Like, they're wearing guns bigger than their heads, and they're just passing everybody through. What was the crowd? So you're seeing all of this stuff. How are you maintaining?

Because this reminds me of a long time ago, the first time I ever did like the Uptown show, the all black show. But at least I stayed in America. It was hilarious. I walked down the street. It was just like I just walked in to a club. And then all of a sudden it was like,

I might as well have been in Harlem, what Harlem used to be. But the second I came out, I mean, I could have gotten like a crepe, like two doors down. But you actually had to go. But what's also crazy, Bill, what's also crazy, what I'm thinking is, when you do an Uptown Room, you also have all the pivot of improv-ing in your own language.

When you're going to Mexico, you're kind of caught in this framework of like these are the jokes I know that work and these are the words that I know that work but like your improv couldn't go you can't just improv like you would in English. you're kind of stuck in a I stay quiet like that. Oh my God. There was like a lot of Mexican comedians going up and me and my friend, Rodrigo, Martin, really only were Americans. The crowd was- Did anyone know who you were?

Yeah, there was a lot of... Half of the crowd were Mexicans that were deported from America. Like, they were all deported. Like, they were all thugs, you know. It's funny, man. Like, I got to know these guys by going there all year. Every cholo, every gang gang banger every guy that speaks English that is deported and goes to Mexico they work telemarketing man so if

you have a problem with your phone you're talking to a MS-13 or a 18 street gang member and he's fucking trying to hold a composure but he's like say orderly homes you know there's my brother who other sells I met a bunch of deportees on my show. There were these Marines, like these Marines. I show Marines, but they're like Mexican-American who also got deported, who like fought in Iraq, fought in Afghanistan, fought in a fucking desert storm,

fought in Korea. They were Mexican, and then they fucked up here in the United States. They kicked them out. storm. They were Mexican and then they fucked up here in the United States. They kicked them out. I know one of the guys was an old man who lives in the park. He's like 74 years old. He goes by a gallon of milk, his name pops up, red know, red alert, red alert. And they found out that he never went back to process his green card because I guess he didn't keep up with it. So his green card had expired, what, 12 years ago? And he never went to go register to become a citizen.

So, man, they fucking deported his ass. He's just an old man no family over there and um they have a community in tijuana where all the ex-vet other veterans from america who got deported live so it's like a veteran community because they're like frowned upon by the america by the mexican troops and the mexican police so they got to live in this area where they could just protect each other, you know, and live in their own community until they fix their papers.

So... How they... Shit, man. You go over there, man. I don't know why human beings behave that way with each other, man. It's depressing. And every Fourth of July, they put on their Marine outfits

and they stand by the wall and they salute the flag. Like San Diego. I wouldn't be doing that down there. They're nuts, bro. You wouldn't believe how quick I would try to assimilate. I'd be putting tanner on.

Me, I'm a get-em-all. I would do anything I could to not stick out like I do. You guys wouldn't have a problem, man. You just put on a Canelo shirt and that's it, bro. You start. Canelo shirt? Guillermo. Guillermo.

You said Memo. The nickname for Bill is Memo. Memo? Yeah, short forairosaw Memo because the nickname for Bill is Memo. Memo? Yeah, short for Guillermo. Memo. Oh, Guillermo is – okay, because I know Guillaume. That's in French.

And Bert will be Bettine. Bettine? I love that. I need to wait a little, huh? Bro, Bert is the kind of guy that he'll stimulate in Tijuana, bro. By the end of the week, he'll be owning that place, bro. I mean, a mechanical worker. What a way.

For real, bro, because he'll be over there hunting and shit, killing deer and all that. There's a lot of dudes like Bert who are Mexican, who look just like him, who live in Tijuana, bro. Really? They just talk differently. You know, they whistle after everything. Like, where are you going?

You going over there? No, I'm going over here. Dude, when I got to the show, the green room is above the kitchen. So it is fucking hot. It was like 130 degrees. The floor fell hot hot I don't want to make fun of this club but I want to go wash my hands and I want to ask the manager what I'm I turn on the water and I Spanish the Nila agua y no agua

anyway I told him I turn on the water and so I can't really know water he goes don't worry about it, mijo. You see that bucket right there? There's warm water. I said, just put your hand inside. So I have to wash my hands and then like water inside. Like, I don't want to put my hands in water that everybody put their hands inside, man. So I just said, nah, man. I'm good. I just washed my hands with a bottle of water, man, like an American. Hey, so you keep going back to this club. This really fascinates me, the work that you put into this. Because this is something I became obsessed with,

like challenging myself to try and get better. So, but I never dealt with going to another country, having to learn the language and all of that. So you started going down there, what did you say, like once a week? I was going there three times a month, every other week. And you just started, would you gradually do more and more time, stretching out your act? At what point did you feel like, like how long had you done it where you felt like, okay, I'm turning the corner. I feel comfortable.

Could you handle a heckler if they came at you? Because I figured that speaking with an accent from wherever they're from down there, they got slang. Like at what point did you feel like like you could did you ever get to that point i guess i think i think by the end of december by of of um december 2019 that's been a year um i did i went over and i did an hour and a half and then they don't want me to get off but by this time i didn't know what i was saying you know i was just i was doing my old act in spanish you know trying to remember my old act in spanish but at that point you felt you had command of the language and if anybody heckled

you you could handle it yeah i could i could um handle it you know i would just have to do it like in in uh like in a real, real Mexican accent, you know, because a lot of the comedians over there, they're in character, you know. So I would say like, chinga tu madre way, you know, like that. Or pinche cara de mil golpes. Yeah, pinche cara de mil golpes. You know, like, motherfucker, you have a face that got pin punched a thousand times. But in Spanish, you know, there's a rhythm to it.

And everybody laughs. But for the most part, I didn't get heckled because they knew that I was trying to do something. You know, they knew that I was trying to build a Spanish set. That must have been an incredible feeling that first time you did like enough to do a special. And you killed it. I would have been like on to be high after that when i was in um still mart california there's a little mexican bar called um casa torres it's right by the 405 405 and um san fernando like when you get to the freeway. And this is a big Mexican restaurant. They have three tortillas makers.

They have three banquet halls. And they have like three mariachi shows most of the time. But some comedian named Mike, some guy started doing stand-up comedy there. But they started doing stand-up comedy in Spanish. So I went in there. I started doing like my own I started doing once and once a month there and now Casa Doris headlining once a month in Riverside and once a month in San Diego and three times and Tijuana

but uh this place was packed dude it was it was free to get in like and most of these gays that did in Spanish they were charging to get in but um I didn't get no money from it I feel like I'm not good enough you know but I would just give the money to the openers and the headliner when I'm sorry though the young comics they would just keep most of it but this place was free and it was packed I mean people would get there at 5 p.m. and the show would start at 8. At this show, I had an awesome set in Spanish. I didn't mumble. I didn't

go, uh. I didn't have to fuck with anybody. And the dudes from Netflix were inside. Inside the place. And I didn't know that. And they told me, oh, great set, man. This is the one. He goes, you did it. He goes, just keep practicing it, you know, memorize it better, whatever.

And that was like seven months. Like eight months. Here's the thing, man. Please tell me you're going to keep doing this because I know you probably realize how much of the globe you just opened up for you to go do a run of dates. And then not to mention that, I mean, then you become almost like recession-proof because as countries go up and down,

you have all of these places you can play. And if, you know, the dollar tanks... Here's the problem is that Mexican Spanish is different than Spanish Spanish and different than Peruvian Spanish and different than Bolivian Spanish. But isn't it like I, you know... It's the latest Spanish. But isn't it like I, you know, but isn't it like, like I go to Ireland, I go to Scotland.

I can't quite understand them, but we understand each other enough. Yeah. Here's, here's, here's, wait, here's my question though. Hold on, hold on. Before we talk about you touring, I want to go back to you working on this act because that you're, you're touring is fascinating to me because I know there's also like, you know, you never call a Puerto Rican guy Mexican.

You never call a Mexican guy Puerto Rican. That's like, I'm curious about like, how did you, did you do the set in Spanish and then that same set in English? Or did you choose different jokes to go in Spanish and different jokes to go in English or did you choose different jokes to go in Spanish and different jokes to go in English? When I was in San Diego, I met a comedian from Tijuana, Mexico named Joel Sotomayor and he was real cool and he toured with me for three shows here in California, Fresno, Visalia and he transcribed my whole set and he wrote it down

in Spanish for me. And from there, I would just take a look at it and try to make it in my tone, in my flavor. But there were some jokes that just did not work in Spanish. And I wrote a couple of jokes in Spanish also that didn't work in English. So the Spanish set is 10 minutes different from the English set. Really? We have to cut some jokes that were not played right now. So it's technically the same set, but you just had to tweak it for Spanish and tweak it for, like you said, your face looks like it's been punched a million times.

In Spanish, that rolls off your tongue, and it sounds harder than when you say it in english it sounds like something a first grader would say we're like yeah that's crazy so this set works in mexico so if you went to puerto rico to do it you'd have to make adjustments but not as big of as adjustments are going from speaking english to speaking Spanish? I think it will work in Puerto Rico because the way I'm talking in Spanish, I'm talking like I will say like anybody who knows Mexican culture in Los Angeles, I'm not talking about the Mexican culture in Mexico. It's different. Are you talking about the food trucks that have tacos?

Is that what you're speaking of? The Mexican culture, like Danny Trejo, that type of Latino, Chicano, they're going to understand it because if you know that movie Blood In, Blood Out, you're going to understand me.

I have fans in Morocco. And there are these two Muslim girls who sent me a video of them quoting that movie Blood In Blood Out. And, man, they're wearing their hijab. And they're talking like Chicana chicks. And they're quoting a movie about gangbanging. And when these chicks came to America, they didn't go to fucking New York, San Francisco. They went to Boyle Heights and they stood in front of the same pine tree as Miklo

and blood in, blood out. And they were like this. No fucking way. When I was in Amsterdam, I did a show in Amsterdam. I had all these guys come up to me and all they want to know about East LA. Hey, brother, really that crazy?

If I ever go there, would you take me where all the gangs are at? I mean, that's all they care about. You know, I saw something recently. For Europeans, American me is like us watching The Godfather, which I don't understand. But the way we like The Godfather for Europeans and Japanese they love American me and blood and blood out I guess they think all Mexicans are like that I saw a thing I forget what country but they it was the same thing they latched on to a like the

lowrider thing that whole stuff they get into those cars and do it It was like one of the whitest countries in Europe It was just this little scene up they just loved the lower it's in the lace top and all of that shit and I saw another one where they had gotten into like I Know smoke more like yeah a lot of like the the LA South Central more african-american type of stuff So what what? Go ahead. i'm sorry well i was just saying that they were doing it the way uh i mean it was an incredible impression i would i would say that i mean it's weird because like if we do it here it's like cultural appropriation with all the bullshit we've been through but over

there i think then it almost becomes complimentary like wow man our cars are so cool that this went across an ocean as opposed to if i went out and got a low rider i'd look probably like an asshole what what what countries would would your your your act in spanish be difficult in do you think? Like what South American countries? Probably Portugal. Portugal, because they speak Portuguese. Oh, yeah, that would be really tough.

And Brazil. Yeah. Yeah, those would be. But I'm pretty sure it's going to rock, you know, Salvador and Nicaragua, Guatemala. Guatemala. Venezuela. Honduras.

All of Latin America. All of Latin America? Yeah. What I find is interesting, and you said that they were like, that primarily Mexican, and I think I've seen this. I watch a lot of the different international acts when they come out. I find it really interesting because you'll read the translation. What's interesting, what works, you know?

I remember there was a korean guy and he just kept talking about like the supreme leader or something and you're like and you just like he did but in that country it's a really big thing to say but to us we're just like huh but like you say that characters work there and when i remember the first time i ever saw you you definitely are a character to a white guy like to a white guy I mean I was fascinated I remember watching you going I gotta get to know that guy he's fucking he smokes weed he's Latino he's Mexican

he's like everything how does that read do you read American to Mexican crowds like do you read as like privileged grow up speaking English parents made it over the border like does that do you read as, like, privileged, grow up speaking English, parents made it over the border? Like, does that – do you read as, like – do you have to, like,

almost change your character a tad bit and go – you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Well, it's funny. When I first auditioned for Last Comic Standing, like the first season one, I didn't make it through. And I remember Barry Katz walking up to me asking me the

same thing. He said, he said that, he goes, do you always do that character? He goes, are you funny

without it? You know, like, when you come up with it, right? He was like lurching over me,

right? Like in my face. Yeah. I said, well, just me, dude. Yeah, big, ever consider falling in love? Yeah, big.

It's huge. And I was nervous. I started, I was nervous when I first started doing stand-up because one of my favorite comedians was Stephen Wright. So I started off doing, believe it or not,

Deadpan. I was Deadpan, you know? And I just wanted to stick to being Deadpan. Like, you know, I would hang out with Jim Pompa, and he would stick to being deadpan. And I started doing rooms that actually were deadpan, wasn't, like, conducive, I guess, to the audience.

And there was people throwing shit at me and, Chuck Wright, you mumbling motherfucker you know you much mouth piece of shit and there's a lot of people mexicans telling me this shit i went one one time this guy told me the same thing my dad told me on stage and i was like fuck it does he know my dad he could just talk like a fucking machine gun gun. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. My dad would always say that you talk like a fucking killer. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

You know? So I was like, fuck, okay. So I couldn't react to hecklers in a monotone deadpan voice. So I would just yell at them. So just yelling at the audience. And one day this other comic told me, you know, you always change your look.

Sometimes you're really fucking bald. Other times your hair is straight like a fucking Mayan warrior. Choose a look. So I started letting my hair grow, and I let it grow, man. And then that's it, dude. And I started being crazy, man. But it's who you are. It's who you are.

I remember the first time I saw you was at Dublin. I had to follow you. I could not. Have you ever gotten on stage, Bill, and you can't stop thinking about the guy before you? No, that's never happened to me, Bert. What is that like? Dude, Dublin's was the

fucking worst. First of all, you went there, and everyone I just felt was waiting for Dane to go on. Like, that was Dane's house. And you went in there, and if it's like, if you weren't on even on his path, I mean, I used to get so psyched out when I would do that room. For people listening,

it was this amazing bar and this amazing room. Jay Davis booked it. It was this great giant. this amazing room jay davis booked it this great giant yeah giant place uh huge bar great sports bar on sunday to watch football then upstairs they just had this cavernous room that would just it would just fill up with beautiful hollywood it was just like everybody in there they looked like they all had botox before botox everybody was gorgeous and um i don't know i always felt years britney spears justin timberlake in sync backstreet boys vince fawn john favreau i mean i remember looking around and being like this is young hollywood dmx will be under two who dmx i saw him inside too, hanging out. Yeah.

I did not feel like that. And then the Biker Gang would be there too on Monday nights. It got scary at that place after a while. Yeah, what's going on with that? The place now is, I don't even know what it is. It still exists, but it doesn't really have a sign on it or anything. I don't know. It's weird. But anyway, so you saw him, Bert. I just sidetracked this, of course, because that's what I do. You were just saying you used

to see him at Dublin's? No, no, no. You had to follow me at Dublin's? You just acted like some kid. Like, don't call on me in class. You just like, no, no, no, no. I don't know. I had to follow him at Dublin's. And I remember going, just sometimes when you find a, I mean, this is obviously a compliment. When you, as a comic, when you hear a very original, authentic voice, you get, I get wrapped up in it and I get on stage. And I want to say to the audience, hey, I saw what you saw too. Like, I'm also in the same, but you're in, but now I got to perform. And I can't stop thinking about him either. I'm watching him walk out of the room also. want to stop and go that was amazing man how long you

been doing it like that's i watched you were leaving and everyone was like tapping on the shoulder and i was just like my name's bert i know you're thinking hot sex to name do you do porn everyone's like you're not like him my it's i loved i love watching you understand if you're one of the few guys who also you can put a clip online and the clip is as good as watching you do stand-up. You're one of the few guys who also you can put a clip online, and the clip is as good as watching you on stage. Like, you're just phenomenal. But I don't know where this was better than to tell you. Oh, oh, but when the Mexicans in Mexico – my internet is unstable.

When the Mexicans in Mexico see you, do they see you as an American Mexican? Oh, yeah. Mexican American. And do they see you as like do they see you as an American Mexican? Oh yeah. Mexican American. And do they see you as like. They see me as an American. They see me as a pocho, a guy who's from Mexico, a guy who's from America.

Once I started doing my Spanish, they knew when I messed up a word and I started noticing the joke not work, you know, not bombing, you know, and like, oh shit, I'm bombing in Spanish finally. You know, this is definitely gonna go good. And like, I didn't know if I was getting the words right.

I didn't know if I was saying the words, I was speaking backwards, you know, I was speaking English, but saying it in Spanish. You know, if you don't understand what I'm saying, like we all speak a certain way, verbs, adjectives in English, but I was saying that in Spanish, you know, backwards, you know?

Like if I was like, for example, in Spanish, I will say, we got robbed is nos robaron, N-O-S. But I keep saying los, because I'm used to saying los. Los robaron. Right? And that shit is wrong, man. But when they corrected me the first time,

I sounded like an American, man, you know, being corrected. That's not how you say guacamole. You know? But I just said, well, that's the way I sound like a white guy. That's how I say it, eh? I've been saying like this forever and I'm gonna stick to it and they said no motherfucker you're gonna be singing wrong and nobody's gonna understand you once you go once you leave Mexico nobody Uruguay is gonna

know the fuck you're saying I'll suggest you say it this way and I said alright I'll say it that way but my mouth does not allow me to say it that way and i say all right i'll say that way but my my mouth does not allow me to say that way you know my mind everything the way i think it's hard and he goes well you gotta say this i get what that because i the few things that i've ever done trying to learn another language i know like in english we'll see like we'll say like whatever the uh the red pencil and they always say the pencil red like they'll say what the fuck it is and then describe it. Yeah. So you were translating that way. That way.

And then immediately they were like, all right, this guy. If they didn't already figure it out, they were like, this guy. They figured it out right away, man. Did you address it? I mean, I would figure out how to say it in Spanish. It's like, all right, yeah, I am. I'm fucking whatever that word is, meaning I'm from America. And it's great.

Decided to come down here and slum it. Another word I couldn't pronounce, there's no word for it. I had a word, I just took it off, cock blocking. There's no word in Spanish for cock blocking. Like, somebody could walk in there and take your chick and go be with her there's no word for it i guess they kill each other i guess so i kept making i made up a word you know i guess i guess they just have a shootout outside you know in the in the okay corral you know but um there's no word for cock blocking and then i said soy bloqueador

There's no word for cock blocking. Then I said, soy bloqueador de gallo, which is the correct translation, you know. But it doesn't rhyme. So it didn't work. Then I finally said, espanta pitos, which is scare dick away, which didn't work. So I just said, forget about it, man. This joke's not fucking funny anyways. It's not fucking funny anyways it's not gonna work I would think I think Bert froze up on us here

I would think that you could have actually done material you could still do material on stuff like that because if you know how to say that in Spanish that's funny that they don't have cock blocking because you guys just go out and kill each other like all you have to do is say,

in America, we got a thing called the cock block. And then you're trying to get laid and they fuck this shit up. And I noticed you guys don't have it down here. But you guys must just kill each other. Then you turn into that hack American that goes over to England and is like, do you call your fanny pack a fanny pack?

That's funny. That means pussy here. Yes. We all have to do that when you get over there until you get the lay of the land. Then you can let that shit go, but you got to do it. Hey, you girls are red over

here. They're gray in my country. That was the first time I was in London. Every brand. I was going to say that. Like, I can be bigger here. I remember an American doing a joke about the cigarettes. I think they're called fags in England. Yeah, yeah.

That was a joke. He said, the American guy keeps saying, you know, oh, we smoke them over in America too. You know, something like that. But the word was um the course of work cock blocker didn't work but when i said blockers all that boyos i that job would work in spain because cock just to suck a cock in spain you say you're my true which means i suck a chicken but that's the way you say it in Spain. It's the

country of Spain. I saw a movie once where this woman said, Tengo muchos daños que me chupo un buen pollo. And the part of me said, it's been a long time since I sucked a cock. And I said, okay. But pollo means, doesn't work

in Mexico, you know, so just fuck this joke, you know. Pollo means the work in Mexico, you know, so just fuck this joke, you know. This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, which is unquestionably good with their new flavors. Their new flavors are here, Bill. Try to guess what three flavors you would like to have. Maybe whiskey-flavored, more alcohol in it i don't know mango peach blueberry grapefruit pineapple and cranberry what a genius decision what a genius decision to add cranberry

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easy drinking name for those of you looking for an approachable brand in a hard, wide, hard seltzer category. There really are so many seltzers that you don't know who to trust these days. Am I right, Bill? You know, that's one of my, everybody's worried about this presidential election. I'm actually, I just want a seltzer that I can trust. Well, you can trust Bud Light Seltzer because it's made with real cane sugar for a higher quality taste. Here's what I want you guys to do right now. Bill gave us one last week. Bud Light Seltzer is looking for its first ever chief meme officer because while they have delicious seltzer, their memes need some work.

The job responsibilities include taste testing the product, making hilarious memes, including verbal memes, Their memes need some work. The job responsibilities include taste testing the product, making hilarious memes, including verbal memes, and figuring out what rhymes with Bud Light Seltzer. Bill, you gave us last week what? Mud Light Seltzer? What was it? I don't know.

Give us a new one, Bill. Oh, I'm not smart, Bert. Don't put me on the spot like this. This is for the fans. This is for like somebody, whatever that not smart, Bert. Don't put me on the spot like this. This is for the fans. This is for like somebody, whatever that generation is after millennials. Generation Y. Generation Y. So if you're part of that generation, go to Bud or any generation and want to try to do this,

go to Bud Light Seltzer needs memes.com to apply. That's Bud Light Seltzer needs memes to apply get it delivered right to your door if you want or you can just find a retailer near you at Bud Light dot com slash Bill Burt or you can just pick it up your local grocery store convenience store liquor store unquestionably good Bud Light Seltzer I'm calling it right now a guy from the greatest generation is going to win it because uh the seltzer will rhyme with some guy that he killed in italy during world war ii that's my prediction bingo i'm on it i called it awesome that was a really great podcast i could have done that

that was he was i i never heard him long form like that. He had me going. He looks like fucking John Belushi, the first season of SNL. He looks all just wild, dangerous. What's this guy going to say? And then he gets up there, and he's just total chill. He was saying this storyteller. I never noticed that about him but there's no you just settle the fuck in yeah yeah and then when he tells

the story you're like oh there's that wild dude like imagine him on PCP biting his fucking ear off dude he never he never once lulled like like lulled like there was a every story just took off hey how about just real quick,

how about Gaffigan going fucking off the roof? Because there's too many chickens in the street and it would be really confusing. Too many chickens, guys. There are no roosters.

I love that you were just preparing for this special and you saw this woman say this vile thing and then you're sitting there as a comic going, ah, I can use that. I'm going to try that next week down in Tijuana, see how that flies. That's amazing, man. This is actually,

I don't know, it's inspired me to work on my ad. I mean, I can't do anything to that level, but now that we've talked a little bit about that, your special is called Bad Decisions. that um your special is called bad decisions so it sounds to me obviously like as usual what I love about your style you're a storyteller and you talk about your life is that essentially what people can expect yes what got me on this path was when I was on bird crushers podcast and we shared some stories there and then I was on the on the Champs with Moshe Castro and Neil Brennan

and I remember being on his podcast saying, Neil Brennan said, well you got like around five movies in one hour of stories. And then when I was on Jay Larson and Ryan Stickler, their podcast, I shared like some of those stories that are in my act on Bad Divisions. And I never thought that I could make these fucked up, sad ass stories funny.

That one where you had a green light on you, you as you said like it was sort of open season on you i forget i just ended with you whipping this guy with a belt in the street oh yeah i was just going like that is a uh that's a story i i could see uh making its way late night on and worked out at the comedy store yeah man uh yeah that guy was trying to kill me. He was choking me to death and there was no other way to get away from him you know and he's a pretty strong guy. I just and I was on PCP you know you've been on PCP right Bird? Yeah and I bit his ear off, man. I bit like this part of his ear off. It started bleeding everywhere, crying like a little bitch. You know, and...

If you bite somebody's ear off, they ought to be able to, you know... They got to make... I'm only saying that because... What is the sound you're supposed to make? I'm only saying that because at the time, I wasn't doing nothing wrong, you know? I was just a guy who had just came from watching Terminator 2. I was like just thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was going to go watch Rambo on VHS, you know, drink 40-ounce and smoke weed and have a good time.

And then this guy out of nowhere starts picking on me for no reason. and then this guy out of nowhere starts picking on me for no reason and man I didn't just go see the Terminator Burt and Bill I was dressed like Arnold Schwarzenegger to the movie I was wearing my black

army army issued steel toe boots I had my jeans on I had my white t-shirt I had my fake pleathershirt. I have my fake pleather jacket on. Fucking love Arnold Schwarzenegger, man. So on the way home...

Even some street shit. This guy just picked on you coming out of the movies and next thing you know he's missing half his fucking ear. And you got blood all over your shirt. Like, that's... How wouldn't you take that to a comedy club? I was afraid that this guy is still alive somewhere,

waiting his moment, you know? But I don't know. That sounds like a left turn in a Tarantino movie. I mean, that's, I don't know. Hey, this is a weird question. I just realized this. The Netflix execs weren't Robbie. It was like Netflix Latino.

Netflix. No, Robbie and the other guy. Robbie's from Montreal, right? Yeah. Robbie, the guy that used to be backstage at the Montreal Festival. Yeah, it was Robbie. And it was a guy in charge of the Latino International. I think he spoke to Tom Segura, too.

Yeah, yeah, I think Segura was doing one in Spanish. Yeah, and then the fucking pandemic started, bro. I was lucky, bro. I shot mine the weekend that Kobe Bryant passed away with his daughter and the rest of the people in the helicopter. That weekend happened and I had to shoot on Tuesday and Wednesday, I think. Man, people came in wearing Lakers jerseys.

We were sad and we had to put them in the back because you can't wear Lakers jerseys. And they were like, the first show was like, we had a bunch of openers go up and the crowd was still kind of sad, you know, but we got them going by the second show. Where did you take this special?

At the Observatory Theater in Santa Ana, the original Galaxy Theater from back in the days. Wow, that was awkward. My bad. I made a very off-color joke and you guys froze and I was like, oh was awkward. My bad. I made a very off-color joke, and you guys froze, and I was like, oh, sorry. What color was it, though?

So you taped on two different nights, and did you do one English, one Spanish both nights, or two English, two Spanish? Two English, two Spanish. We fixed the setup for the Spanish. I wore, I guess I wore a suit. I wanted to wear ruffles. A ruffle jacket.

I like what you're wearing in it. I like what you're wearing. I also like the print. I don't know if you guys are like this, but I get really obsessed about the choices comics make. I like the print on your special. It's really cool. It's really cool looking.

I like the poster, and I love what you wear. I love the location. I watched the trailer today. It looks really cool. It's really cool looking. I like the poster and I love what you wear. I love the location. I love, I watched the trailer today. It looks really beautiful. Well, the music also, the music for the show, for the special, it's a local band from Boyle Heights, Tropa Magica, and they sang and they wrote the song in English and then they did it in Spanish also for the Spanish special. And then my wife, she helped edit it, and together we wrote the subtitles, so the subtitles could be on point to what I'm saying,

because sometimes when you watch Narcos, you see the Spanish subtitle doesn't match nothing. The English subtitle never matches what they're saying. Really? So, yeah, man. Why is that? I don't know, man, because they have a guy

who went to college, you know, translating everything. They should have somebody from the streets. It's hilarious. Sometimes you hear, bichi,

voy a matar, y me voy a culiar a tu bichi madre. and then the bottom it says you fucking asshole I'm gonna kill you and have sex with your family but what he really said

I'm gonna kill you and have sex with your fucking mom right now in front of you while your whole family watches yeah that's definitely

a different version so there as now do you think this is the new trend Yeah, that's definitely a different version. So, do you think this is the new trend? I know Segura's doing one. I think Jesus might be doing one, right? I hope so. I hope there's more of them. We could all go on tour in Europe.

We could all go on tour in Latin America and Europe, man. We could all do 20 minutes. Why do 45? Why do 45? Yeah. What's the money like in Mexico and South America? Is there good money? I have no idea. I don't know, but the comedians that I brought from America to show them

Mexico, they were getting paid in pesos, bro. They were fucking exchanging that shit at the border for $75, $75. You guys could definitely put together like a King of Com, like Latin King of Comedy thing, you know, and tour through wherever, I mean,

wherever they'll have you down there, and then do the States and Canada and all that. I think it's, I think, I don't know. It just seems like nothing but an upside for what you're doing. I really had to focus, man, because I speak English all day. Like, I would have to wake up in the morning

for the Spanish shows and listen to Piolín in the morning and just Spanish shit. Then I would go to listen to that CNN you know the Spanish CNN with Camilo and then go to Fox Deportes en Español Fox Sports Spanish and then listen to a podcast, a random podcast

in Spanish and then go over my set in Spanish remember that time I'm in Tijuana I have to speak Spanish because no one there speaks English, everything is fucking Spanish man I did damn man is everything fucking Spanish oh and um and then the math just to get ready man it's like focusing man method actor I don't speak Spanish I don't speak English all day to get ready for my Spanish show I tried learn i tried to learn the machine in spanish

i was going to do it at uh duce's show so i speak better try to get two people to translate it for you get a jesus trejo and then get another guy with a different style of comedy so you can have two versions of what you're saying because i heard y luego encontrar a otro tipo de comedia con un estilo diferente para tener dos versiones de lo que estás diciendo. Porque he escuchado una historia... ¿Cuál es la historia? Andaba en un pinche tren yo solo, andaba con los estudiantes de mi colegio de Florida, y andaba... yo soy el pinche máquina, y entraron unos pinches ruscos fucking Russians, bastards from KGB. And they told me, you're the machine. I'm the machine.

Hey, this is the fucking machine. And then we were stealing everything. Change the machine. You know what I mean? You gotta say it, bro. Like, you're there, dog. You gotta be animated, bro. Like the first time I did an urban show.

First time I did an urban show first time I did an urban show I fucking bombed like you wouldn't believe bro they should have they were calling I swear to God bro but they were introduced me introduced me by the second show give it up for incoming you know black comedians don't fuck around bro give it up for incoming you know know what I mean? Boom. Get out the way. So they told me this. If you're going to say you're going to walk to the store, don't just say you're going to walk to the store. Black people don't just walk to the store.

You got to say who you saw on the way to the store. Did you skip? Did you walk? Did you fucking moonwalk to the store? What color, what street was it? Was there a bird shitting on a fucking clothesline? Mention that shit. Was there a meskin selling fruit?

You're going to talk about Paco on the way to the store, or you're going to lose the audience, because they don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah. So you got to paint them a picture, Bert, when you do it in Spanish. That reminded me of Reservoir Dogs. And if some nasty motherfucker sprayed diarrhea all over the bowl.

Yeah, man, exactly like that. For real. I used to have a joke that I said that I used to bring in girls to my house and have sex with them. And my brother was sleeping upstairs on the bunk bed So what I would have to make love to her like a prison inmate. I gotta cover her mouth shut shut the fuck up you know

but when I would do that joke in the urban audience, it would look like he's doing a Sodomizing a man Joe Joe you know rape a prison joke so they told me Philippa you're gonna talk about how what happened on the way to your house so I would say um yeah man so I bring this bitch to my house right so I'm walking in my house I walk over my dad you know that get to my room my brother's sleeping upstairs was his wife and baby. You know?

You got to keep the motherfuckers entertained, dog. They're not like American audience where you tell a joke and they want the next joke. When you do it in Spanish, you got to tell them what fucking, what side the train was coming from, what are the fucking school colors. You know what I mean? What year of college it was, what did that Russian guy smell like,

what was his demeanor? You got to keep the fuckers entertained, dog. Spanish audience, they'll lose you, bro. God damn it. Why isn't there some Mexican comic in Mexico City just going through, who speaks Mexico City just going through, who speaks English, just going through everyone's act and just murdering people in Spanish?

I don't want to say his name. It's a guy. I don't want to say his name. Is a guy doing that? That's great. Paul Rodriguez told me that he went to Mexico and he did his act, and then somebody came up to him and told him hey bro how come you're doing Polo Polo's act and Polo Polo is a

known comic in Mexico like original stand-up comic all his fucking stories are dirty and they're filthy. And I guess he had borrowed some Paul Rodriguez jokes, according to Paul Rodriguez. That's crazy. He did it the same way. And when he was doing them, Paul Rodriguez said, he even did my voice.

Like, my voice was a character now. Bert, you know what would be unbelievable? Like, you know, I've done shows in, like, Switzerland and Finland. Some guy could go up in front of me and already do my act and I wouldn't even know it. Then I'd come out there

and they'd be like, this guy's doing the same fucking shit. Big disappointment. He came out and stole from the opener after we just saw him. These fucking Americans. Now, what are they so dumb? Tony Woods.

Tony Woods. Go ahead. There's an international comic named Paul Ogata. Paul Ogata, you know, he's a Chinese comedian. And he went to do a show in China in English.

Headline, the comedy store in China and Hong Kong and whatever, right? He goes back over there. His whole act is being done by three comics in Chinese and Taiwanese. And they're killing it with it.

Oh, man. Tony Woods called me. Tony Woods called me, and he goes, it's like the middle of the night, and he goes, he's like, Bert, I'm in Australia. I said, yeah. And he goes, some motherfucker's doing our Tracy Morgan story. I said, what? He goes, there's a guy, because Tony Woods, the Tracy Morgan story,

Tony Woods was with me that night. And so it's me. It technically is me and Tony's story, because it happened to both of us. It's from whatever perspective you hear it from. And he goes, I'm in Australia, and there's some motherfucker doing our Tracy Morgan story. And he goes, and he's using Tracy Morgan's name. Wow.

International thievery in comedy is a genius idea. Why are we supporting this? Because I think right now at this low level, Bert, it's funny. It's funny because it's just something funny about it.

I don't know. It's just crazy that some guy in Poland is doing my act, right? It's because there's money we can't get. Yeah. Until you go there. You go. Like in Mexico, if you dress up like a clown or like a cholo or any type, like a woman, dressing up like a woman is still big over there

and being a comedian a straight man dressed like a woman and performing a stand-up act is not frowned upon you know it's normal and a lot of the jokes are mom old mama jokes that we've heard broadville jokes like here's a joke um they might say um say the say the say the alphabet backwards, I don't know, the old joke or whatever. And they're like, whatever, you know. They do a lot of vaudeville, old school jokes, you know. A lot of Milton Berle stuff.

A lot of Milton Berle stuff. A lot of play on words. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. It's weird, though, but that's kind of like the evolution of comedy. But you would think that they saw, like, American cinema or whatever. But we were talking about – I think I talked to you about this, Bert.

We were just talking about how, like, comedy – why you have to keep going to the comedy clubs because the young comics keep you young. Just by being around them, your act is going to stay in 2020, will be in 2020. And it's just like music where if you take five, six years off, which is usually enough time for music to change, like comedy change is enough where you're a little sluggish up there. And if you go longer than that, like back in the day when I used to see guys who had sitcoms that made it into like syndication and they just sort of stopped doing their act because it was so much money to be made. When they came back to the clubs, it was like they

were playing like hair metal or disco and everybody had moved on to whatever, mumble rap, whatever is going on right now, know so i think that may be because stand up for whatever reason it's so fucked up that stand i know it started here but it's just so weird that a lot of comedy is early on in in so many of these countries where people are going through so much shit that there's more comedy there i feel the more you're struggling there's more comedy maybe it's because of oppressive uh leadership they don't want people up there shitting on them or whatever like when you're talking about that korean guy talking about the supreme ruler he's not talking about a higher power he's talking

about the dictator right am i crazy i think so yeah i forget i forget the guy's act but it was like there was a phrase that he kept saying over and over again that was like, hot, because I Googled it because I didn't get it, and they're like, no, you cannot say what he's saying. It's like, he's the edgiest motherfucker in Korea. Yeah, and I imagine it's not like he's just going to get canceled. He's going to get canceled. I bet, I bet, I bet, I bet wokeness in Mexico is just not there.

There's a comedian that came to America because he was canceled in Mexico. Platanito, the clown, El Platanito. Because there was some church, some school burned down, right? Because of bad wiring and they used cheap equipment for that school. Like everything for that school was done cheap. They cut every corner. And the comedian made like a reference to like a play on words, like KFC.

He said, yeah, they smell like Kentucky Fried Children, you know? You know, they smell like KFC, you know, something like that. But he got canceled for that? He didn't just get booed? Yeah, they said they smell like KFC, you know, something like that. When they burn. But he got canceled for that? He didn't just get booed? Yeah, they went viral in Mexico. But his joke was really calling attention to the point that these kids burned down and nobody really gives a hell about it because we're focusing on something else. But it looked more like he didn't give a shit about the kids burning

and he's making a joke about it. A joke about it. But he was calling attention to the fact that the school was built real cheap, but nobody got that point. They canceled him and he had to go work in the United States. What about the filthy comic? Can you say like, huh? Can you say like maricón?

So you can call people gay and be like, so this maricón's walking down the street and I'm like, like, maricón? So you can call people gay and be like, so there's maricóns walking down the street, and I'm like, hey, chingan pi pollo. And he's like, hey, oh. He's like, oh, I'm so gay. And you can still do that? This does it on television.

People do it on television Monday through Friday. Bro, I was on a show, and we had to make people laugh, okay? They had a glass of milk, and they had to spit the milk out if you made them laugh. I tried to make them laugh. He goes up there just like a clown. He goes, they say that women breathe from two places, the mouth and from down here. Because sometimes when I put my hand down there, she goes.

He did that shit on television, and of course that girl spit out her milk. He won. And then there was another joke where LeBron James... It's not make me laugh, Bert. It's make me laugh, but with milk in the mouth. That's fucking genius. No, that's how you do it. This is different.

This is different. We got milk. There's milk in the mouth. There's another joke. LeBron James had a finger up his nose, right? And we had to say something funny about it, right? Because LeBron James had a finger up his nose playing basketball. I said a joke. He got a laugh.

This other girl said a joke. He got a laugh. The host of the show said, hey, what do my sisters smell like? But he said it in Spanish. Hey, como apesta tu pichia, hermana, wey? Say that, say that. His finger, what do my fingers, what do my sisters smell like?

And everybody's dying, bro. He got away with a fucking pussy. So what about, so what about like Asian people? Are there people making jokes about Asian people or black people? Not really. In Mexico, they make fun of Native Americans. Really? The Native Americans that are in Mexico, like Oaxaca and those little Indians,

they're really derogatory jokes about them. And I got to lie to you, man. My mom, whenever our house was dirty, like whenever she came home from somewhere, she would say, parece casa de pinche indios aqui. Like pretty much, this fucking house looks like a fucking Native American's house.

It is fucking filthy. And she would say that on a regular basis. But then I would look at her, but my grandfather is Native American. fucking filthy. And she would say that on a regular basis. But then I would look at her and my grandfather is Native American. He was dancing with fucking beads on his fucking feet in Mexico, selling cheese door to door.

Hey, any comics down in Mexico do topical stuff about politics or some of the drug cartels? Do you just stay away from that shit? Man, I don't know. I don't know that many Mexican comedians. Just the ones I met who are like

they don't have TV credits. But I never... Plus, when I first saw a Mexican comedian it was this one guy. I don't want to... I don't know his name right now, but he wears glasses and he has really straight long hair and he

wears a striped shirt like Nirvana Rodrigo Martinez I don't know his name he has like three specials Jorge or fuck I can't think of his name right now Jorge Valdez Jorge Martinez

no his name is I don't know his name but he has long hair he's very popular i'm just guessing mexican name he sells out shows here in america but when he was talking in spanish i mean my everybody was laughing but i don't understand a fucking word bro i'm sorry bro i didn't get it so when i didn't get it and he was talking his his um spanish was well educated he was saying words that would be oh above my grade level you know and i was thinking that's what motivated me man if i'm thinking if i don't get it half of my neighborhood i grew up with doesn't get it and we all speak Spanish so I said you know what I gotta do a fucking Spanish special for the

motherfucker who don't get this shit yeah it's like it's like I when I was in Scotland with Patrice we watched a bunch of Irish comics and like British comics and Patrice would just sit there with that look on his face like any any word play any word play he'd be like what the fuck there's this guy this guy ed burns patrice hit me on the leg guys very very funny at burns very funny patrice goes he's about to tell the biggest joke in england right now and i go okay and he goes i want you to watch me not get it and i went really he goes they told me about this joke earlier this is the biggest joke and dude it got a round of applause like i never heard and the joke was um it's not a bad joke actually he's uh i was shopping and i was shopping for beds with my

wife the woman showed us a big bed i i said it looks like it could sleep three and that's all me said and the place went fucking nuts right because it's suggesting he's gonna have a threesome and patrice next tooss just does this. Just looking and, like, touching other people. You like that? You like that? And it was – but Ed was a cool dude. We hung out with Ed. But that one joke.

I know, man. My first time in Montreal, there was this guy killing it, man. I think he's British. And all he had was, like, his whole bit. And I had to follow him. You know, but I did good. But I couldn't follow him because I kept thinking about how stupid his joke was and how fucking funny it was.

How ridiculous funny it was. And how, like, fuck, how did I think of this shit? He just had a fucking suitcase handle, man, with a price tag on it. I've seen that dude. Fucking destroyed. I lost everybody had their package and everybody went everybody all had a good laugh but then they all went home and my bag never came. Dude the ones that make us I remember Ed Burns had a joke Bro, I have a coin on my nose. I was back to time, bro, like this.

Dude, the ones that make us – I remember Ed Burns had a joke that Patrice and I were shitting ourselves over, and no one was laughing. No one was laughing. It was, Mies was watching Back to the Future. You know, at some point, you'd think that Lorraine, Michael J Fox's mom that his dad would look at her across the table and goes are you sure you didn't fuck that Calvin Klein boy because our son looks exactly like him. the great fucking joke. it's a great joke. the other one that was great

this one comic someone told me this is a great there's so many great British comics there really are so many great british comics guy goes ah i walked into uh i walked into the movie schindler's list about five minutes five minutes late i looked at my friend i said what did the jews do to hitler dude i saw this there's a british there's a Canadian comedian. His name is Stuart Francis. And this brother Joe, he goes, stupid Joe, so fucking funny. He goes, you never know how far a frisbee is until it hits you. He goes, I remember the first time my dad took me fishing.

I said to myself, well, that's a long swim back to the shore. And he keeps bringing up this joke over and over, over and over and over and over. Finally, at the end, he goes, I went out on our first date. My dad took us. My date couldn't swim. And then he kept going over, man, over and over. Like his dad takes him trick-or-treating. Halloween, his Snoopy costumes

are heavy when they're wet. That kind of shit. That's what I like. Also, that Jason Rouse guy with the teeth. Jason Rouse is great. That suck dick joke? God damn, bro. That's what I would... I'd love to speak Spanish. I'd love to go down to

Mexico City And watch comedy Like it would be fascinating For me to see it You know They already know Who you two guys are You just go over there

And say it in English Like Like They know who Bill Burr is Like They're over there Protecting his jokes And he didn't even know

You know like Anybody does a Bill Burr jokes These Mexican comedians know know. You know, like, anybody does a Bill Burr jokes, these Mexican comedians know. They'll be like, hey, cabrón, ese es uno de Bill Burr. Ese es uno de Bill Burr. You know, they'll yell it out, bro. There ain't no mask you're going to do. Comics, no, but I'd go down there.

I wouldn't draw anybody. But, Bill, think how hard you'd kill with just some anti-women shit in Mexico. If you go to Mexico City, I guarantee you'll stall out a 2,500-seater with English speakers. I mean, listen, I've been wanting to go to Mexico City because I'm a Formula One fan, and they have this race track that goes through an old minor league baseball park and you can sit in some of the grandstands it's like a chicane when you go through and I've just been

wanting to do that if I can actually and every then in every rock band that I'm a fan of when they play Mexico City you can just tell the experience they have just all of Latin America because I've seen ACDC in South America, and I just, compared to like the vibe here in LA, where everybody's so over everything, like it must feel like a matinee gig to them compared to when I remember when Guns N' Roses went down to Mexico City the first time on this past

tour. I just was looking at all their tweets, and they're all just kind of like wow. Like we've had crowds into our shit. That was a completely different level. So there is something. I find it so interesting. I mean, and I know that this is probably not as accurate as I think, but to do comedy for everyone that is the same looks alike

and is the same ethnicity, you know, that like imagine doing comedy in Korea if you're Korean. It's from that book, Flyboys, is where only Japanese people... Because you have so many, if you go into cities, you're kind of going to get a mixed bag. Yeah, but it's fascinating.

Imagine just doing a show for like just white people. Well, that's probably, I mean, oddly enough, that's probably what, you know, you end up getting a lot of the times, but just white people well that's probably I mean oddly enough that's probably what you know you end up getting a lot of the times but just white people but all their experiences are only being a white person around white people and they don't really have like like you said because I was like I was like no one's there so you why why would you talk about black people there's no they're not there you know like what

is just because everybody's all mexican and all korean they don't have the same experience so there's going to be the same subsets of uh of type a type b conservative liberal born with money born not with money had money lost it fucking hit the lottery there's going to be you know a mechanic a doctor there's going to be all that different type of shit that's what i learned when i went in and i started doing the uptown rooms when i first went in there it was total culture shock i was just like this is a room full of patrice right um patrice if he never left his neighborhood and then after doing them for like six months to a year, I started seeing people going, oh, that guy's like Bert. Or that guy reminds me of my

brother. You start to see people, which is a great thing. That's another great reason to do it, is rather than seeing a room full of whatever, you actually see individuals. And then within that, you see people like, okay, this guy's doing this, this person's doing that, that woman's doing this. Like that would happen. But when you first go in, I think it would just be like, you know, it was an all-Mexican group.

I thought he was really interested in my point. He just froze up. I get it. Because, man, when I was, I got the opportunity to tour with Mike Epps and Ricky Smiley, Earthquake. Those are three of the big – Bruce, Bruce. DC Comics.

DC Curry. And, man, I never in my life had to go – I never thought that I would have to follow a comic that gets a standing ovation followed by a host who's killing and getting standing ovations while hosting i mean ricky smiley is at a whole different level man like this guy if he's hosting he would have come here fucking a game man because he's fucking has the crowd rolling man yeah he goes up there goes i'm outside out of the club and they think i'm a punk and the whole audience i mean 2 000 people i tell you i would never stop i would never stop y'all whatever not comedian

fuck yeah we used to have a guy like that in boston where he didn't host the show he just took breaks from killing this guy kevin kn called Ricky's Money. Kevin Knox. And guys would meet up afterwards and they'd say, what'd you do tonight? You'd be like, oh, I was on Knox's show. And then it was all, oh, what bit did you have to follow? His Star Trek bit is getting pulled off by the cop.

Not the skiing joke because he just had these stories. And every one of them killed in their own way. And like, it was just, you had to learn. And every one of them killed in their own way. And, like, it was just, you had to learn. You literally had to learn how to kill. I don't know what it's like in Boston now. But back then, it was just, like, guys tried to, like,

tried to blow you off the stage. And they used to have this whole thing in Boston where they were so protective of the territory that if they brought in, if a national act came in, they would put three clean-up hitters in front of them. And they would just destroy local reference

shit. Colin Quinn, I think, is the only guy or a Brian Regan. Those are the only guy or like a brian regan like those are the only two guys i ever i ever heard that ever survived that gauntlet like they they liked those guys they respected them they survived it um but there was like i legendary stories i i can't say the names because i i mean i wouldn't have survived it but of really funny people going in there and we've all experienced that you go on the road and there's that guy oh look at this guy you know this guy definitely is going to be over in Roosevelt tonight you're like what the fuck is

Roosevelt and everybody's losing their minds and it's just nothing but references you don't fucking understand oh this guy grew up on Kelly Street am I crazy and everybody you just remember Pookie the barbershop yeah and you're standing back there feeling like I know I speak English too but I don't think I speak the same English as these people and you get in your head and you have to get that out and just immediately go up

there and be like yeah you know I flew in today you got to do that just to remind them I'm from somewhere else and have them forget about the local reference headliner that they put in the feature spot. Yeah, man. Hey, we didn't say when this special comes out. The special comes out September 1st on Netflix. Two specials.

Bad Decisions. Mala Decisiones. I can't wait to watch it. As soon as it airs, it'll be out. I can't wait to watch it. I keep saying Jesus. I've been with Jesus on a bus for a month. I can't wait to watch it. It'll be out. I can't wait to watch it. I keep saying Jesus. I've been with Jesus on a bus for a month. I can't wait to watch it, Felipe.

I watched the trailer. Dude, you really are. You really are. One of the best comics in our business. By hand, one of the best joke writers, but one of the best storytellers. When you pull me into a story, I really feel like'm there i feel like if you don't i feel like i feel like we're in the backyard and you just grabbed us all beers and shut the cooler and you're just telling me a story just i also think you got a big acting career ahead of you but you probably have to take a major pay cut from your stand-up gigs

after these two specials come out. Yeah, man. Tom Cruise, I'd love to do that movie, but... Man, I always wanted to be... People, it's funny,

like, when you meet the fans after the show, they always tell you what movie you should be in with. Bro, the Nero and you should be in a movie together.

I always tell people, bro, listen, bro, I am 6'1", 285 pounds, the Nero, what, probably like 5'4 four the only way i'm gonna be in a movie with him if he's shooting me or i'm dying because of in his hands i'm gonna be in a movie with a rock you know it's just a small little roll you know the fucking rock crashes airplane in the jungle he walks to a bar he's you know he's

looking for a fucking pilot I'm looking for a guy named Ramos I come out of the fucking bar with fucking shit stains and slob and it's money like cum and shit that's a name I haven't heard in 25 years you're probably looking for a pilot let me find my plane it's over in the jungle Pablo Escobar he never haven't heard in 25 years. You're probably looking for a pilot. Let me find my plane. It's over here in the jungle. Pablo Escobar. He never fucking paid me. I kept the plane. You know, something like that, man. I'm just in for like

five minutes, out, get my check, get my fucking craft service, and go home. Alright, I got one for you. You know what scene I want to do in a movie? I want to be that dude getting chased down the alley by the cops, and you get to the chain link fence, and you get halfway up, and then they grab you, and you get to be like,

and they pull you down, and then fucking handcuffed you and be a little fucking rat, ratting people out. Oh, I know my scene. At some point, I got to overturn a trash can, too, as they're chasing me. I want to be in a mansion in the hills smoking crack while three guys sit on a couch trying to buy coke for me with an Asian guy throwing fireworks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's fucking boogie night. Hey, Ricky Springfield. He's a friend of mine. What's up, babies? Oh, God. And having live UFC fights in your living room you should do it random random bill i got that i got the next show you ready the next show i got

it all things comedy new television show we should we'll just put it online fuck it we'll do it online it's called scene steal. And it's comics getting to recreate their favorite scenes in a movie that they get to star in. It's almost like we make our perfect acting reel so that casting directors can see us

in what we think we can do. Now, do you do it verbatim or do you switch it up? I think you do it verbatim, but I'm never going to be able to remember lines. So I'll add things to my – I'll make my character more interesting. I want to show them what I can bring to it. Did you ever see Sean Patton, Paul Verzi, and Giannis Papas did the Billy Bats scene, but they did it as comedians?

No. Oh, yeah, and the guy playing Billy Bats. Yeah, I knew this guy when he's doing open mics. And Verzi's going like, hey, I don't know if you heard, I don't do open mics anymore. I don't do open mics anymore. It was like the total Goodfellas scene. That was a good one, man.

Yeah, and the way they shot it, it's fucking incredible. So I had to throw that out there before we start pitching. You should have two comedians. You think I stole your joke? You think I stole your joke? You think I stole your joke? You think I stole your joke? You laughing at me? You laughing at me?

No, they did a whole series, and I was going to do one where I was going to be the bald dude in Top Gun. And basically, you know, remember, you two characters are going to Top Gun. Basically, the headliner somehow couldn't make the gig. So it would be like, you two middle acts are going to Top Gun. Basically, the headliner somehow couldn't make the gig. So it'd be like, you two middle acts are going to close the club. Anyway,

I think we're getting up against it here. We got to read some advertising. Felipe, I am so fucking happy this is happening for you. I'm so psyched that you got this in

before the coronavirus and all this shit. You really are one of the best guys out there. And, you know, and as a person, dude. You're all right. Yeah. You're playing with your titties and the accordion.

What is it called? Bad decisions. How do you say it in Spanish? Malas decisiones. It's already out by the time this airs. Tuesday, September 1st. This guy, if you don't know about him, you got to get to know this guy. This guy,

he's amazing. So, Felipe, thank you so much for coming on, and I hope this takes you to bigger and better things. Thank you for having me, Bill and Bert. Thank you for everything you guys do. All these comedy, providing a place for us to do our shit without getting ripped off, and always being a nice

guy with me and everybody else man thank you oh absolutely that's why we created oh funniest thing you ever said first of all i'm not trying to be i'm i am a fan but when uh you did the roast of tracy more uh patricia o'neill that old youtube video that Oh, God. That was one of the... God damn, bro. When you said... Because you destroyed Rich Voss. Oh, my God. I don't even remember what I said.

And then Burt, man. Your stand-up, your fucking Netflix special. Amazing, bro. When you took your shirt off. Thank you, bro. And you did the tour. You're doing the drive-in, bro. I copy a lot from you, bro. I mean,

not like your jokes, but everything you do business-wise, the swimming pool, I'm going to fix my pool too. I got me a treadmill. I got me a fucking sauna. I don't want to show off, but I got me a sauna too. Sorry about your dog also.

I didn't get no chicken yet, but no chickens yet, but no chickens yet, but they get the pool. I just need a big family, but I'll get there, bro. All you got to do is do a dance video like me and Tom did. Shoot a dance video. I want to get there, bro, but I have like extra layers right now. I have a six pack with a couple of 40 ouncers open.

All right, Felipe Esparza, Bad Decisions, and what else is it called? I already forget. Malas Decisiones, September 1st, Netflix. I can't say it. I'm not fucking up. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. All right, buddy. See you.