The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 3

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about their favorite comics, football cards, and late night television.

And I can't help but think that's what she said in Moments Now. So it's like the hackiest comedy phrase is stuck in my brain by a guy that I know is hilarious. I mean, fucking hilarious. I do it all the time with my wife. That's what she said? And now it's just, I don't even need to say it anymore. I just do a dumb laugh. She'll say something, I just go,

She goes, shut up! That's what she said. And now it's just, I don't even need to say it anymore. I just do a dumb laugh. She'll say something. I just go, huh, huh, huh. She goes, shut up. Do you have inside jokes with your wife? Like, do you guys have, like, me and my wife, our inside jokes or our tell jokes? Mine is a, our inside joke is a Chappelle joke. Really? Look at him.

He loves it. Do you remember that? Yeah, wait, what's that from? That's Dave saying that he loves chicken, but he would never, or fried chicken, I don't know what it was, but he would never eat it in public

because he would be afraid white people were watching him being like, look at him. He loves it. We were in the desert shooting a Comedy Central thing, and they brought out, in the desert, right?

I'm with Donnell Rollins and Red Grant and they bring out a tray of ice cold watermelon and Donnell just shook his head and he goes, nah, you're not getting me like that.

We're like, what? Like no one was putting it together? He goes, you're not gonna and him and Red just sat off to the side. They're like,

we're not touching it. We're not going down like that. I know what's next. You get a camera out, you get pictures of us eating watermelon and all of us were like, it's such a weird stereotype that. I know what's next. You get a camera out, you get pictures of us eating watermelon. And all of us were like, it's such a weird stereotype

that no one really was connecting to. You're just thinking it's hot, watermelon's awesome. And so Donnell made a white woman serve it to him. Put it on a fork

and put it in his mouth. I've always, I never understood how racially charged food became. Yeah. Because it's always like delicious food. Oh. Everyone food became. Yeah. Because it's always like delicious food.

Oh. Everyone loves watermelon. Everyone. Watermelon's fucking amazing. That's amazing. Fried chicken's great. Burritos are great. It's all good.

You fucking kraut. I love sauerkraut. Dude, I love sausages. Frog, I don't know about frog legs, though. You're from Florida. I love frog legs. Of course you do. Oh, fuck yeah, I love frog legs.

Dude, I love anything, anything that has a cultural hint to it, I'm immediately into. Of course you do. Oh, fuck yeah, I love frog legs. Dude, I love anything. Anything that has a cultural hint to it, I'm immediately into. I want to explore it. Can you please say that again? Anything that has a cultural hint to it. I just want to explore it. I want to explore it.

I just do. That's one of my favorite things you've ever said. I just saw a whole new side of you that I didn't know existed. You play like a big, dumb, goofy guy. You actually, who are you? Anything that has a cultural hint to it, I just want to explore. I mean, no wonder you got a show on the Travel Channel.

No, that's because of. Rob Mark couldn't come up with some shit like that. That was fucking poetic. That's because of Travel Channel. There are phrases in my head that are Travel Channel phrases. This place is otherworldly. That's a Travel Channel phrase? Hey, Bill, I swear to God, if you go to Vietnam, it'll change your cultural DNA.

I got to hear more of these. I want to hear more. Give me some more. This is going to be one of the top five life experiences you'll ever have. That's a big one from Travel Channel. Top five life experiences. I can tell you my top five life experiences because I used to recite them all the time. And not one of them was having a child.

They were all like jumping off the stratosphere. Drinking goat's blood with a Maasai chief. You jumped off the stratosphere? I was the first person, first white person to jump off the stratosphere. That. Yeah. Well, who jumped off it first? They said to us, they were like, you know.

Was it a mob hit? No. You're going to be the first person to jump off the stratosphere. It's like a big thing. They're big fucking, the mayor comes out. It's like David Copperfield's there. Vegas has a mayor? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's hilarious. Did he have a pinky ring? No, yeah. A very famous mayor. Of course he did. What's his name? Google the, he was actually a really famous mob lawyer that became the mayor of Vegas.

And then his wife became the mayor of Vegas. It's one of my favorite things ever. What's that? When the woman married to the political guy then gets the job. It's just the funniest shit ever to me. It's a great joke. Oscar Goodman.

Oscar Goodman. Came out, had a shot of tequila waiting for me. He's like, first guy gets off the stratosphere, he gets a shot of tequila waiting for me. He's like, first guy gets off the stratosphere, he gets a shot of tequila. I'm like, oh, this is going to be amazing. I love this guy. By the way, still haven't ashed it.

Really? That's coming into your lap and light your dick on fire. So they go, you're going to jump off the stratosphere. And they're like, hey, but we're going to be in and out because it's a busy day. So we're going to talk to people that have already jumped. And I was like, what do you mean? I thought I was the first person.

They're like, well, no, obviously they've tested it with people. And I was like, who? And they're like, her. And it's this 80-year-old Vietnamese lady who on her lunch break would jump and test the machine out for them for like 50 bucks a jump. Aren't they supposed to put like a sack of potatoes or something? Water dummies. They do water dummies and then they need to do real people so that they can get the landing right.

So they got this lady. They got this lady. I'm sure that's not how they sold it to her. No, they her son was in prison and she used to send her money to his commissary and so she would get 50 bucks. She was raising his kids. She'd get 50 bucks every time she'd jump.

She was very like fucking. So doing an interview and I'm like, so tell me about the jump. And she goes, I get 50 bucks. And I was like, well, don't say it. Like we need to use this on television. So like, why do you do it? No, you got to keep that.

I get 50 bucks. That's like the fucking realist answer ever. She would eat her lunch in the elevator. She'd eat her lunch in the elevator. She'd eat her lunch in the elevator and just jump as many times as she could during lunch to just rack up money to send money to his commissary

and raise his kids. And I was like, I can't, none of this is TV friendly. They should have videotaped it and as she's yelling, she should have just been like, look what you put me through.

She said to me, I go, how bad is it? She goes, first time's not that bad. Second time, terrifying. I bad is it? She goes, first time's not that bad. Second time, terrifying. I said, why? She goes, because you know it may not work. I was like, what? She goes, the first time you're so overwhelmed that, by the way, she's Vietnamese.

She's not saying it this clearly. But she goes, you're so overwhelmed that by the time you see the bullseye, you're landing. And you're like, ah, I did it. She goes, the second time you see the bullseye from the top. And you go, that is where I'm going. And it may not stop on time. And she goes, it's terrifying. And so I jump the first time.

I go to jump. How fucking bored are people? That they jump off buildings? That is because of free internet porn. It's too much. It's just too. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back this up. Start this at the beginning. What do you mean, how bored are people? free internet porn. It's too much. It's just too... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back this up.

Start this at the beginning. What do you mean, help order people free internet porn? Just think about before media. Okay. All right? And you wanted to jerk off. It was up to you

to create a porno in your head. Yeah. And if you lived in the middle of... Just the work that it was. I remember those days. It's not like there was any lotion or anything like that. I'm talking before TV and all of that shit. And now you could use whatever you can even think of.

Yeah. It's like Netflix. You got to scroll through, which one am I going to pick? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So then because that's just, you're like a rich kid now. Everyone's like that.

Instead of Bentleys, it's like whores, right? So you're fucking, you're just overwhelmed by that. And then after a while, it doesn't mean anything. So the next thing you know, you're going to Vegas. And it's like, all right. This is nice. I got to fucking jump off this thing so I can feel something. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. My body no longer responds to human touch. Because it's like I've been on the vice squad for fucking 60 years. Yeah. There's kids out there like that. Because they watch porn before they even, their first time hooking up with a chick, chick goes to touch them, they can't get it up

because they're just so fucking desensitized because of all the shit that they watch. This is how people end up on the top of the stratosphere. I'm telling you. I can't imagine people having sex for the first time and all their grooming is all the stuff they've seen on porns. It's horrible. So the first time, they're like, reverse cowgirl.

And they're like, wait, what? Your first time isn't supposed to be reverse cowgirl. It's supposed to be awkward, trembly-armed missionary. Like, uh-uh, uh-uh. But they've seen so much, they're like, I'm going to do a cream pie, spit in your asshole, gaper, all right? We're out.

And that, I mean... Not we're out, he's fucking for like 30 minutes. Yeah. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Trying to get himself there. Shut up, shut up, shut up! His voice has barely even changed. I'm going to have to choke you!

Pull my hair! Pull my hair! Shit in this cup! Shit in the cup! Don't ask questions. I have an eel in the refrigerator. I want to go get this eel out. I know. All of these... How many times did you have sex before you got wild in bed?

Oh. Good question. It was more like, how many women do you date before you met a wild one and showed you what wild was? Wait, tell me about that girl. I don't think I can. Why? You know why. Because it's imaginary.

No. I'm not going to. I someday will tell you. Oh. I'm not going to. I someday will tell you. Oh, I went from zero to fucking Mach 2. Ah, shut up. Yeah, dude. It was fucking bananas. How old were you?

Just how old you were? Let's do 20 questions about it. No, because she's fucking nuts. So I ain't going to fucking put the time on it. Anytime you want me to talk, I'll tell you all about that. Oh. Oh. Oh. I remember I was with a girl.

It was a good thing. It was a great experience, though, because I was down for it, and then what happened was then I kind of got caught up, and I was able to have this cool vibe with every woman that I met that I wasn't going to judge. It's a huge thing. You don't judge somebody as far as like what they want to try or whatever. And then it kind of would free them up.

You can't talk about now, but I had a I had a phrase for it. I used to I used I used to. Rub your mic, rub your mic. I used to, I used to, I used to. Rub your mic, rub your mic. That's what I would call it. Not to them, I wouldn't. But you just created this fucking environment. And then, then they felt like, yeah, we were fucking, we were deviants.

I had a girl, first time I had sex with her. We ended up dating, but first time I had sex with her, we're getting towards the end and she goes. By the way, do you ever think I'd whisper that in your ear? No. In a million fucking years. First time I had sex with her, she goes, we're getting close to the end,

and she goes, do you want to come on my face? And I was like, not originally, but I guess now I do. I don't want to be the one guy that didn't. And so. You took it as a challenge. And then next thing you know, it's like, that's my thing. And then you go to the next girl, and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? And you're like, oh, sorry.

I only speak the language of the last person, so I'm trying to translate into you. It's a bold move, dude. It's a bold move. Really? Wait, where are you going? And then you're over. bold move, dude. That's a bold move. Wait, where are you going? And then you're over. Oh, I thought it was cool. Wiping it off with your sleeve.

Sorry. Do you hate me? Do you hate me now? Then you play the victim. Then you play the victim. Now you hate me. I mean, I can't do anything. I mean, everything. You're leaving your shoe with me. Don't come on my face.

I mean, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. I'm on the corner of the bed naked, pouting. You just don't know. I'm an asshole. I'm the asshole. Oh. Oh. Still haven't ashed it.

Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, still haven't ashed it. Look at that. Oh, my God. It's the big ash for Billy Burr. Did you see this cigar I posted on? You don't follow messages on Instagram, do you? I haven't been on Instagram in like a month. I don't know what it is.

I was smoking a cigar two nights ago, and I did a video, but it didn't record. And I said, hey, Billy. And then I stopped it. I started to record it. It didn't record. And then I got it to record. And Leanne called me out. She goes, were you going to call him Billy? And I went, yeah.

And she goes, you don't call him Billy. And I went, Leanne, just shut the fuck up. She's like, no, I'm not going to let you. You talk to your wife like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, maybe I shouldn't. No just shut the fuck up. She's like, no, I'm not going to let you. You talk to your wife like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, maybe I shouldn't. No, I make it up. It's a make-believe.

I'm a pretty regular. You know, I saw a thing the other night where these two neighbors just escalated their fight until the one neighbor shot and killed both of them in fucking cold blood. And what was the guy, like, he was, it was basically a guy, I think, that his whole life he was in control

and he was a great dad and all that type of shit and he buys his little house in the middle of fucking nowhere and then these people moved in and they were like sort of hoarder junk sort of funky hippie sort of vibe right and they were right across from him and he didn't like the way they were living their lives and i don don't know, it just started fucking escalating. And basically what happened was the road that they shared, he fucking, you know, they had to back out of their driveway onto his property. So he started planting a garden in the middle of the fucking street. And the dude backed over.

And then finally, he fucking put a boulder right. They couldn't get their fucking car out. So the guy comes home from fucking the restaurant with his wife, and he's pissed, and he goes in, he grabs a sledgehammer, and he has a heart condition,

and he's fucking slamming it. And she's going, Jerry, stop it, Jerry. They have that on 911, the fucking him coming down and killing him, right? She's going, Jerry, stop it, stop it. And he goes, shut up.

And they had talked the whole time, how much in love they were. Yeah. And it was so sad. Then the guy shoots him, and as he's getting shot, he says, I love you. But I'm going to. I mean, that really took you guys down.

Where is this? What were we talking about? Because that's how you talk to somebody you love. Oh, yeah. You tell them to shut up, and then when the neighbor comes over to kill you, you're like, oh, yeah, I love this person. Yeah. And then you say it in that moment.

Yeah. Sorry. I have a more depressing story than that oh yeah you want to go back and forth yeah yeah yeah let's do it our streets a one-way street but there's a Starbucks by our house so sad no and so this guy one time I'm walking down the wrong way I get really upset when people drive the wrong way down our one-way street it drives me nuts I talked to my therapist about it he goes what can you do about it and i said nothing and he said then don't let it affect you anymore get yourself apart from that anyway one day i'm walking the girls to school

and this guy flies out in his fucking bmw the wrong way and comes close to my girls and i fucking yell at him i don't know why i yell. I'm not going to do anything. But he stops his car, gets out of his car. He's an older guy. He's like 60, 65 maybe. You're like, I got this. And I have a water bottle in my hand, so I'm like,

and it could be used as a weapon. And I go, hey, asshole, you're going the wrong way and you're flying down. You almost hit me and my kids. And he starts yelling, fucking 30 years

I drive down the street. No one's ever said a fucking word. 30 fucking years. 30 years. This is my street more than it is yours. And I was like,

Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 years you've been breaking the This is my street more than it is yours. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 years you've been breaking the law? A month ago I saw the guy. I haven't hit my wife for 30 years. No one's ever said a fucking word about it. That's the dumbest argument ever. 30 years.

That's what he said to me. 30 years. This is my street. Ah, you fucking tattletale. Yeah. So I see him a month ago. He had a stroke. And he's walking around they got him in a wheelchair and i thought oh that all caught up to him i was like wow and then i was like oh you

know what that's why you don't let people driving the wrong way down your street affect you because one day you're still fucking worked up 30 years later and you have a fucking stroke. So you think that you caused the stroke? I hope I did. There's a party. That's a big thing. Pardon me, I'm fucking, the guy was so aggressive in front of my daughters. I was like, ugh, this is a bad dude.

Hey, let's talk about me being a hero though. Did you tell him not to fucking drive his wheelchair up the wrong way? No. No, I didn't. You can use that if you want. By the way, I'm already thinking about that come on the face joke

going, how much of that was Bill and how much was me? Can I take that on stage? I got to write a new hour. Do it. It is your story. I got to have a new hour by fucking February.

Do it. I don't give a fuck. Oh. Oh my God. This is a job. It just started loosening up. You know when a cigar starts loosening up by the bottom? Oh yeah.

Dude, I have so much shit I have to do after this too. It's fucking ridiculous. What do you have to do? I got to decorate a tree. I got to study for that fucking test. What test? I don't know, but can you do that look again? You've got to to study for that fucking test. What test? I don't know, but can you do that look again?

You've got to do that in a movie sometime. What test? You like this. You went... You did this little turn. What test? Helicopter thing? Yeah. For real?

I know. It always bugged me one time. You said, like, I would never fly in a helicopter. You said, because it's one bolt. You go, it's one bolt. And I've literally been in my car arguing with you by myself about that. And I say, Bert, it's aviation. It's all one bolt.

One bolt on anything has taken a plane down. You can't lose bolts in aviation. It's not even my fault. It was someone else told me that in a helicopter and fucking panicked me. Dude, we flew in a single-engine Cessna, I think.

Dude, if you lose your rear stabilizer in a fucking plane, which one bolt can fucking do that? I saw a thing where it got stuck. I don't know shit

about planes before. Yo, you fucking flyboy stuck giving me shit. Yeah, you just fucking, you just invert and it's over sweet what test are you taking

in helicopters it's an instrument thing it's super egghead shit I fucking love it but like it's pushing the boundaries of fucking my

mental capacity it's so much work it's so much brain like but dude the reward in the end is just fucking amazing

I actually I flew a a buddy of mine who's helping with my instrument. We flew an A-Star the other day, which is the one that the cops and the news guys fly, compared to what I fly. You fly the small, small ones? Yeah, the light aircraft, which are fucking scary. You go out towards the desert and stuff, and the wind kind of whips through that, right by the Morongo Casino. It gets scary. um oh yeah i won't get into the whole logistics of semi-rigid versus a fully articulated main rotor system that's what the fuck he wants and this is what

this thing had and it was it was it was fucking incredible it was like life-changing when i flew it really i i i literally said to my wife, I wish you knew what the feeling felt like to pull power and then just... We just fucking... And so that's the test you're taking? Does it fly those? No.

That's the helicopter that I want to someday buy a used one. You know? Yeah. Get a hang around Van Nuys? Well, no, they forced everybody out because they they don't want any like weekend warrior guys because they want people with like big jets where they can make all the money on the fuel and stuff so they kind of forced everybody out so i mean i don't know i but i just i have to tell you though dude flying that fucking thing

it was it was uh put it in words that I get. It was, compared to what I'm used to flying, it was like a sports car in the air. How responsive it was, how forgiving it was, the power that you had, the space in it. Like, you know, the space between me and the door was so big, I kept thinking I had the door open, because I'm used to the fucking... I fly this little fucking egg beater, you know like the the space between me and the door was so big i kept thinking i had the door open because i'm used to the fucking i fly this little fucking egg beater you know um and then also because the main road had turned the opposite way so your your inputs on your feet are

different the exact opposite but my instructor told me the most brilliant thing he goes he goes the collective comes up your left foot comes up. Your left foot just does what that, and it just, because people say, oh, just follow the nose, but it's a weird thing because you have like muscle memory, and then you're also flying something that's more expensive, and you don't want to fuck up, and there's people watching, so you get into your head.

You're like, what the fuck am I doing? And you have to let go of all of that and just watch the nose, but he just gave me that little thing, so I was able to anticipate it it and i flew like really well with the thing and now we just flew out of uh whiteman which is just north of burbank flew down the five and then just went out over like hollywood but there was like rain coming in. There was all weather coming in. So we had to bring it back. And but it was. I can't. It was just the level of power that was at your fingertips and how sensitive it was. And just anything that I wanted it to do, it did.

It was it was it was exhilaration that I hadn't i hadn't felt like i can't i can't explain it it was do you know when like in ferris bueller's day off when the guys take out the ferrari and they go over the hill yeah yeah yeah that's what it felt like it was fucking it was like i was grinning ear to ear the whole time i was flying it and i like i haven't stopped thinking about it and it was like like a week ago it was literally like a life-changing moment like going, it's, it's, it's,

you know, getting your pilot's license, dude, it's just like, it's one of the biggest privileges you could ever get.

Like, I can't believe legally I can do this. You just take off, rent one of the things and you just fly over all this stuff. It's so peaceful

and it's amazing. We flew the Fresno in a plane, like peaceful. And, um, it's amazing. We flew the Fresno in a, in a plane, like a, uh, single engine, whatever. I forget what it's called. And the guy that was there said, you know, how interested in your own flying? I said, very. He said, well, then why don't you help me go through my checklist and I will help you learn how to fly. We'll get up. I'll let you fly a little bit, keep it at altitude. I'll give you the readings or whatever keep on direction and it was i was so overwhelmed by how much information you had to have that i was i'll tell you the fucking most incredible thing is you when you're learning

there's this period you go through for about three weeks maybe to a month depending on how fast you're doing it where you feel like you're ready to solo and you're getting a little cocky or whatever. And I'm telling you, the day your instructor steps out and goes, okay, you know, I want you to just, and this just was literally a hover taxi, like 50 yards, turn around, come back. You're never more than like fucking four feet off the

ground but there's something about a helicopter we have that guillotine over your fucking head you just go what the fuck and he goes all right he just he goes all right set her down we're down on long beach and he steps out of the thing and then all of a sudden she's like your heart like oh fuck you know and i'm fucking german irish so you don't know what i'm thinking i'm just fucking sitting all right and he goes all right so the weight displacement's going to be really weird the first time because he's not in it he's not in it oh so he goes just make sure you have you oh whoa hold on stop take that back two seconds you've been flying with two people your whole time a whole time so it's

almost like it's almost like playing in wet socks and then yeah and then he's like all right you're gonna play a lot faster so you need to well yeah you're gonna pull power more than you need probably and you're gonna fucking shoot up shoot up a little bit and then you gotta have the stick way forward yeah much it's gonna feel like you're fucking like this and all you're really doing is moving it to here but it's just and then and then it just becomes like, this is weird. This is weird. And then it's just like, and then the first time they have you flying the pattern, the whole time you're talking to yourself, you can't believe what you remember.

Because they've so drilled it into your head that you're just saying everything that they've been saying. When you go to take your turns and it's just like approaching runway three zeros down long beach and it was you just start doing your downwind check lights are out rpms are in the game gauges gauges are all green uh collected down left right pedal or whatever left pedal is what it is and then the fucking pull carb heat all of this shit and then you're looking um at your altimeter so when you turn base making sure you're at the right height the right speed in case you had to go into an auto rotation the whole fucking thing and it's just like i almost get nervous just talking like how fucking like anything i ever did in stand-up oh including fucking doing the Apollo all of that shit nothing Letterman nothing

was like it wasn't even the first time I did like a solo that was like a half hour up half hour back the first time I had to do this three hours you had to get three hours on the Hobbs meter like um so they don't measure in like miles they measure in time right so you had to do three hours you flew to a a controlled airport that has a tower and then you flew to an uncontrolled airport and you had to get gas fuel and then no you didn't have to get fuel and then you had to come back and dude i have to tell you dude like that fucking flight was just like the level of like um like you're just like in fight or flight mode the whole time level of stress yeah and i just keep looking over at that empty seat and it's just like if something goes down this is fucking on me fuck right and i'm just like not gonna happen it's not

gonna happen today just doing that shit not today motherfuckers and so i made it all the way motherfuckers and so i made it all the way to french valley set it down and one of my instructors was somebody else and she was supposed to be like right behind me but i the person she was flying with flew really slow because i guess she was going to be talking to me the whole way which would have been way more comforting but i kind of was just like you know i remember when i went to lift off i lift off i fucking shot up in the air and it was really hot out and I was sweating. And I was like, fucking trying to get back under control. I'm like, I know everybody just saw that. And I was just like, I just wanted to get out of the airport. I got out of the airport and then some wind was coming. I was like, fine, OK, I'm good.

And I went by this airport where this guy He's just always grumpy This guy in the fucking tower there I'm not gonna say the tower Because I don't need any shit right Look I'm telling so many stories My cigar went out So I fucking The call is

What I just say You know whatever Fucking Burbank tower Helicopter Blah blah blah blah blah I kept saying like Burbank traffic Burbank traffic Is when you're talking to people When, blah, blah, blah. I kept saying, like, Burbank traffic.

Burbank traffic is when you're talking to people when you're just out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I kept going, and the guy kept going, it's tower, you say tower. And I was like, oh, I guess go Burbank traffic, student pilot. Fucking nuts.

Do you like flying because it shuts your brain down? Because, I mean, I'm just preface this with, like, anyone that knows you well knows that like bobby kelly will say it we've said it before you really are probably one of the fastest most thinking comedians like you always are thinking you're always kind of whittling subjects and topics down can i tell you what's funny about that i'll tell you two people i cannot even remotely keep up with mentally jim norton and dave attell i did a tour me brewer norton and attell and in the end we'd all come out and like try to do like this improv thing

and dude the speed with which those two guys brains work i i couldn't even remotely keep up so if you guys think that my brain works on some level you are always you are those guys are like fucking dude those guys were crazy like there were nights me and brewer standing like dude i because me and brew are like kind of goofy or whatever and they were just like bam nor his brain nor his brain is is non-stop like that but you're like that i was when i when i flew that plane i thought oh this is why bill like i really thought this is why Bill, like, I really thought, this is why Bill likes this, because this is like an hour where it's almost like therapy. Like, you know, when you take a Xanax, your brain, my brain stops, and I enjoy it, because I go.

What is Xanax? I always hear about it. What is it? It's just, it's like a benzo. You take it, and it just kills your, your brain just stops thinking. Is that supposed to help me? So benzos are pretty aggressive. That's a big Florida thing.

You went deeper into the pill world. Like, you're supposed to come back more my way. No, no, no, this is a Florida thing. It's like a Dorito that gets you high. It's like a benzo. Oh, thank you. But I thought, when I was in a plane, I thought, this is why Bill likes this,

because it really does probably give you peace and quiet where you're in the moment and not thinking of a million different things it's a thrill when you do it and then you especially if you solo it's it's it's an it's an in the beginning i think after a while probably wears off but like when you you've been flying for six years yeah but i take like big chunks of time off like when i went back to new york i had an acting gig i mean we were just working every day and I had my family there. So I had to, you got to prioritize.

So, I mean, I don't have that many hours for as long as I've been doing it. So it's, which is what the fun thing about it is it's still such a fucking thrill when I get to go do it. And I want to go with you on a, I want to go with you in a helicopter. And one of those ones you're talking about the high powered ones on the beach because you can go like i met i'm i i met a guy that fucking flies one of those high performance ones yeah that you can do fucking loop the loops in oh fuck i saw that guy fucking take this take on dude he fucking he pulled power this thing just went like a fucking high speed elevator it just, it didn't even make sense.

It was just like, his stomach has got to be in his socks. Like, how the fuck you can even do that? And the guy had an air show, so he went out to go practice. Oh, wait, I know this guy. Practice his routine. I might know this guy.

I was supposed to fly for Travel Channel with this. There's like the best, are you talking about like one of the best helicopter guys out there? He does loop-de-loops and no he's a mediocre guy who's out there doing barrel rolls over disneyland i think i know who you're talking about there's a number of them out here yeah so it might be a different guy i'm not trying to blow up anybody's spot or whatever i don't i don't know the guy i just watched him take off and was funny as i was flying the robinson r22 which is the the

smallest light as far as i know there's a couple of old i think sikorskis that are like that but like um what's fun about the 22 if you learn how to fly on it is it's like driving a car with no power steering or power brakes so you're really flying the thing yeah and if you can hold a hover in that they always said you can kind of fly anything, which, you know, it depends on how much you fly too. But like it definitely helped me when I moved up to something else. The hardest, it's not really holding a hover. The hardest thing when you get into a different helicopter is when you're, it's setting back down knowing where the skids are. Because if it's a bigger helicopter, you're uh it's setting back down knowing where the skids are because if it's a bigger helicopter you're used to something smaller so you feel like you still got like another six feet to

go and it's like oh like you feel like one of the skids like hitting and stuff so i tell you my brain is so stuck in promoting tour dates and instagram videos that i immediately if i had your skill set of flying helicopters, I would be booking a world tour and everywhere I went, I'd rent a helicopter and take everyone on like fucking sightseeing tour, fly up in the helicopter, GoPro, cameraman, shoot it. Yeah. Guys, let's see Tel Aviv. Just, you know, what's funny is I would like to start doing like when I, I know a few people,

I know, I know a great school up in Vancouver and I got a gig coming up there and I'm going to try and fly with those guys again because the last time I flew up there it was like a real cloudy day so I didn't get to see the beauty of. Take a camera.

I mean, I would love to see it. Yeah, no, it's, it's a. Go to New Zealand, go up to the fucking,

go up to the glaciers and fly up glaciers. We did that. You know who lives in New Zealand and flies helicopters? Phil Rudd, drummer of ACDC. Really? Yeah, the first time he left ACDC or got fired

was after the flick of the switch recording, not even the tour. He recorded the album, and they parted ways, and he just kind of quit the music business, didn't play drums forever and just learned how to fly a helicopter and this is what I read anyways and like what was funny was he he hadn't talked to anybody in ACDC in 13 years and out of nowhere Malcolm just called him up rest his soul and he just he picks up the phone he's like yeah and then malcolm is just like

hey it's mal you want to have another go and he just goes yeah then he was back in and then they ask him they go how much drums did you play since you left he goes none didn't play any and then he came right back he's one of the greatest drummers of all time. There's a great story. Brian Johnson tells how they were fucking recording an album. And it was the take that they wanted. And the fucking tape ran out or something like that. And the producer was all bummed out or whatever.

And I guess Phil Rudd was just like, nah, just play it again. I'll jump back in. He can't do that. It's impossible. Just play the tape. And he did it fucking perfectly. And the same energy got right back into it and fucking nailed the take.

And the producer was just like, that's fucking unbelievable. You're fucking amazing. He just goes, and now. I'm butchering the story. Look up Brian Johnson. He tells it way better because he was there. Yeah. I wish we had an equivalent story. Look up Brian Johnson. He tells it way better because he was there. Yeah. I wish we had an equivalent to that in stand-up.

Like, our stories are all like, you know, I guess telling someone's joke is like that. Sharing someone's, like, sharing a Norm MacDonald joke is like that. He's fucking unbelievable. You see his last bunch of Hitler's's dog he's amazing yeah he's amazing for the the times that uh the times that i just go like the i don't know i i'm i'm i'm obsessed with those guys because like i look at things like the thing about him is he's operating on such a level that there's so many people that don't get him and that's what makes makes me like him even more oh yeah you know like there's always those guys where it's like people

know he's for they don't understand i think it's almost like you have to do stand-up to understand how fucking great that guy is i think so i think uh that's why you know rest his soul brody why i love oh brody stevens it was just like the shit that that guy would say and i would never hear him say it again yeah when he would just those guys where you can't tell if they're if if you are getting the joke or you're not getting the joke like you don't know if they're joking or not joke i could never tell with norm or with brody like is he fucking with me right now i remember one time somebody heckled him in the crowd and he's fucking was basically saying how dare you talk down to me i'm in show remember one time somebody heckled him in the crowd and he fucking was basically saying,

how dare you talk down to me? I'm in show business. He goes, hey, I'm in the gated community. I buzz you in. I buzz you in. And it fucking like, that's like one of those things where it was like the crowd was dying laughing because everyone thought it was funny.

But like, I was just like do you under do you understand like how fucking bizarre and obscure that reference is to throw that out there so fearlessly in front of a fucking packed house oh it was like a discovery moment i'm like oh crowds get i know that sounds like sort of a pedestrian reference but there is a thing you know especially when you start touring that you you kind of have to commercial fish a little bit where you kind of got to be like, you know, cast a wide net with like your references. And I kind of learned a lot by watching him. Fish is a really great statement. Yeah, but it's just like you sit there like, no, man, I can just kind of go up and just talk how I talk. Yeah.

But that's like, you know, when I did when I did the thing in London. I was just like, I'm just going to act like I'm fucking America. It was so funny. And it works because... I don't even know why it works because

I saw Brody do it. I was like, all right. Yeah. I guess you can do that. I didn't know that. We were crossing... He lived right next to me and we went to the same Starbucks all the time.

One night, me and the girls were walking across the street to the Starbucks from our Gelson's or whatever. I don't know if I can finish this fucking thing. Yeah, it's going to be tough. And the girls see Brody outside, coffee by the, outside having his coffee, writing,

and George Maladus goes, Dad, Brody Stevens. The idea that his branding with his name had made it down to a 10 year old just blew me away. He was another guy. I couldn't watch him too much because his cadence. Oh, Ian Bagg's another guy. I can't watch Ian too much. You started talking like this. Okay. All right. All right. You should see my dick. Oh, flicker in the tit. right you should see my dick oh flicker in the tit mitch head you got it atel headberg and bag all cadences regan oh dude when i started early people were saying i was ripping off regan because i remember those days i remember that you know what i always say like i always go i remember when you switched into bill like like legit to where, like, people now copy your cadence.

You know? I remember that. Poor bastards. Oh, yours is... Don't do it. I don't want to know what my cadence is. Oh, no, no, no. Because then it'll be in my head.

I can't tell your cadence, but I know that. Am I doing me right now? What's funny? I just fucking... What happened to Bill? No, yeah. He Googled himself. It's over.

I remember we were at the Boston Comedy Club and you went up and you had just been fired by Barry Katz and ICM and you murdered. It wasn't ICM. It was somebody else though.

I've had so many agents I don't even fucking remember. It was Barry Katz definitely and you murdered and I went up and fucking bombed. It was Barry Katz, definitely. And you murdered, and I went up and fucking bombed. It was Barry Katz. I'm shirtless in the back, and I'm having a beer. And you come back there, and I was like, Bill, I was like, whatever the fuck you're doing, man.

Holy shit, this is so different than the, I saw the guy on TV, he's got cell in the pans, and I'm like, bang, bang, bang, bang. Oh, yeah, because I had nothing. It was so different. No, because I had nothing. And I go, I failed in L.A. I unincorporated.

I went back to my walk-through bedroom, and Bobby Kelly was living. There was three of us living in a walk-through bedroom. Bobby slept in the living room. I slept in the walk-through. And then our roommate, who had the lease, he had the bedroom. And we used to play roller hockey every fucking day. and bobby almost killed each other and i lost my manager i lost my agent i remember patrice you know he could be so fucking passive aggressive yeah he just goes like damn bill and you're back here it's just like wow i mean i know shit ain't happening

for me but like it's like at least at least, at least he goes, he goes, no, wait, he goes, at least, at least I feel like I'm moving forward. He said that on the phone. I remember it really hurt my feelings and I didn't, because I didn't know how to say it in the moment. Yeah. It's just like, who said this? My dick is on the floor. You got to jump up and down on it.

What the fuck? The fuck else do you need here? He could be a cunt. Oh, he could. Yeah, yeah. Oh, definitely. But even then, he was hilarious.

I remember telling him and we were in... This is like the sad second half. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the part where, like, I will always say this

before, out of all our friends that do podcasts, I might be the only one that listens to more podcasts. I listen to more podcasts than I do. I love podcasts. I love listening to old opening Anthony. Like, when you guys would come on. I can only listen to it so much because then I get sad. Really? Because I miss, like, I can't even tell you the fucking void of going back to New York and that show isn't there.

It was so good. It was so fucking, I remember you calling in. I remember being in the car. I loved calling in. You called in and fighting with Patrice. You and Patrice got into this huge fucking fight about who, I don't even know what it was. The stupid fucking man cow show. Oh, it was the Man Cow show.

Patrice is in studio. You called in. He threw you under the bus. No, he called in. He called in. You threw him under the bus. I didn't throw him under the bus. What he didn't know,

because he wasn't listening, was that was Man Cow's style. Man Cow trashed. He trashed my fucking half hour on HBO that I had coming out. That's how he ended my segment. He trashed me. He hated me.

Or at least I thought he did. He didn't like me either. He didn't like me. He didn't like me. He didn't like anybody. It just, it was a big misunderstanding. And our friendship was never the fucking same after that. You and Patrice?

Yeah. Really? Because that happened so close. And then like five years later, he died. But the thing was, but i moved to la in 2007 so we couldn't quite get past it because i would go huge chunks of time without seeing him yeah and then we'd see him we would kind of go back to that we were still friends but it wasn't it wasn't the same where were you when you there top that sadness And then he passed away. Where were you when you found out he passed?

I'll tell you. Bobby Kelly sent me a text. He said, Patrice passed away. P-A-S-T. Swear to God. P-A-S-T. He passed away. And it was this weird thing where there was this overwhelming sadness

and then I also had to urge to call Bobby on three-way with Keith Robinson and trash him. Passed away. For his fucking juvie education that he got. bobby texted me when keith had a stroke and he goes uh hey just give me a heads up keith had a stroke he's in the hospital he's okay and i wrote back worse than patricia's question mark and he goes no he's still alive and i go i'm

joking bobby i know what else are you supposed to do in that fucking moment? Oh, boy. What other sort of morose shit can we talk about here? Oh, we can. We'll turn this around. What's the name of the cigar again? Assault. Assault, yeah.

Assault on our feelings. This is fucking aggressive. I'm basically smoking all my cigars for this month right now. This is, they have to have an equivalent of how many cigars this is. It's got to be three. Oh, no, dude. I think it's between four or five. You figure. I can't smoke anymore.

You can. You just get dizzy and it hurts. I have orange juice. Power through it. Turn it around. Are you touring at all? No, I start. I have orange juice. Power through it. Turn it around. Are you touring at all? No, I start, I can't wait. I start, I start next month. January? Yeah. And you know what I realized with, um, is touring. How much, how much, hold on one second.

How much material do you have? How much new material do you have? Do you have a full hour? Like an hour and 15. God fucking cunt. Can I run, throw me my joke book. I'm going to run through it real quick. Tell me what I can use. Go, so. You got that come in the face bit.

That's a closer. Come in the face bit. That's an aggressive move. I'm only speaking our language. That's a good one. There's nothing better than a good little bit. What was the first bit you got

after you did your special where you're like, not something you've been working on that you're kind of folded did your special where you're like, not something you've been working on that you're kind of folded in, but something you're like, that's brand new

and it fucking works? Two, I got this abortion bit and then this bit about this lesbian. Oh. And what I loved is the first time

I did the lesbian bit, these two women fucking screamed at me, told me to go, fuck you, go fuck yourself. And I knew that they were going to wait for me.

Comedy Club security is the worst. I'm like, they're out of here, right? Right? They're not here. So I knew. So I put my fucking hoodie up and I go to walk out and of course they're there. They're like, yeah, they left. And I take the hoodie off. You motherfucker. What do you say? You changed my, I won't say, I'm not going to throw you. But you know what's funny though, is within a month of doing that, because that was the first time I was trying the story, within a month of doing that, I had a lesbian come up to me, and she goes, I absolutely love that bit.

I feel like you're talking about my life. Which is why people can't, you can't film people, because I can't work it out at home. I've got to figure out how to say it. I've got to figure out what I'm saying, because I'll be honest with you, after I had that fucking fight, like, you know, three days later, I was thinking about I was like, I don't want to make people feel like that. That's not what I'm trying to do with that story. But when they flipped out, that was my defensiveness from the environment that has been

created in comedy clubs by so many of these fucking white chicks. I swear to God, it's like half the time, they're getting offended by a group that's not even offended. I have a big bit of it. I have a bit. I had a bit that I was trying to work opposite direction, but it only worked one way. It only worked about being married to a black chick. And it only worked if you made fun of white people being married to a black chick and it only worked

if you made fun of white people you couldn't work at the other direction yeah and i ended up the entry point you have to figure out how to enter it so they're going to be open to listen to what you're going to say yeah because there's the other style where you just like fuck you i'm saying it how i want to say it. I don't want to pander. I don't want to step here and go, I don't want to go, I know this is the only way you'll hear this. I want to say it as funny as equal. Right, but you have to do it in a way where you want to.

It depends on what you want to do. Like, whenever I used to, it was those comics that would walk the room. Yeah. And that's a style. My thing was always like, if you leave, then the fun's over. I want you to think about leaving, but you stay. So then you have to listen to all the rest of my shit. It's more the thing. I don't know.

Yeah. Are you getting to the end of it? How long are we in? Are we 15 more? Oh, that's it? I can do that. Oh, dude, there's more. We've got to take this thing to the end, man.

Yeah. The premise I had was in D.C. there's an interracial couple in the front row. Regular looking white dude, hot black chick. Okay, so now it's politically correct. You shit on the white guy and you complimented the black chick. Okay. All right. And I said, but the premise I wanted to say is to the white guy and you complimented the black chick okay all right and i said but the premise i wanted

to say is to the white guy what's it like being with a black person all day every day like like there's got to be shit that where you go i didn't see that coming and he wouldn't go there but and he was like it's the same it's the same but then when i gave it to the black chick until you go out in public. That's when it changes. But I said it to the black chick and she shit on him. She was like, I fucking hate hockey.

I've never seen hockey in my whole life. And now I got to sit, I walk in and he's watching hockey and I've tried to go back to him. Like, what about, like you ever come home and she's watching Wendy Williams

and he was like, I don't know what you're talking about, man. And I was like, okay. Yeah, because you can't, you can't go that way. You can't. I've tried. It doesn't work.

You know what's funny? Oh, my God. We get in such stupid fucking arguments about shit. What did I make fun of? Well, I just sometimes, but I don't think this is like a racial thing. It's just I sometimes get surprised at what she thinks is funny and then what out of nowhere just like piss her off. Like she was watching something on,

you know that actress who married the prince, the red-headed prince there, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kate Upton. Yeah, so she, no. Pippa, Pippa. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. So recently she was complaining about how mean the paparazzi was to her. So it was on and I wasn't even...

You know, I was just being a comedian. I just saw something on TV and I made fun of it. You know, I married a prince and now everybody makes fun of me. Just something stupid like that. Yeah. Like, it's just... You fucking married somebody where the wedding was broadcast to the world. You know, go marry some local fucking guy if that's the life you want. Like, I don't understand what the fuck is going on here.

And she just flipped out. Why is that fucking mean? I was kind of like, you know, she's so flipped out that I was like, all right. I had to think about what I said. Still think I'm right. Is there ever a time where you do notice cultural sensibilities, like things that she finds funny that you go, yeah, I don't really get that? No. Like Little Duvall or like Cat Williams. I love Cat Williams, but I grew up with hip hop, but my wife can't really get that. No. Like Little Duvall or like Cat Williams. I love Cat Williams,

but I grew up with hip hop, but my wife can't get Cat Williams. What it is is you're trying to turn a real human relationship into a Def Jam bit, and it's just like, it's not. It isn't.

Like, I don't, it's like, yeah, it's all the same fights. It's the same, you know, we don't pay attention. We gotta spend more time. You're listening to the sports too loud. It's the same fucking fight.

Same, same. The whole thing is just like, you know, I mean, you've traveled the world enough. People are the same. They want to find love. They want to feel safe. And they want to go get a sandwich. That's basically what everybody is. Or whatever the fuck, kebab.

Whatever the, wherever the fuck you live. I live with two lesbians in New York and I was fresh out of college. I didn't know anything about anything diverse. Can I watch you two get it on while I have my shirt off? What did I say? And then I come on your face?

No? That's not cool? I paid half my rent. Technically, why am I paying half? If you bitches, you should be a third and a third. If I'm paying 50%, I ought to be able to see the two of you go down on each other. And then they flipped out. I thought I would come home and they'd be wrestling in sports bras.

Just... I know. I thought I would come home and they'd be wrestling in sports bras. Just. And it was just, they just fell in love like regular roommates. It was annoying as shit. They're like, does baby want eggs? Baby likes eggs. It just is the same. And that was like the most eye opening thing. That's why racism, homophobia, all of that shit is so fucking stupid.

all of that shit is so fucking stupid because it's it's people on the outside coming up with i guess hateful sort of stand-up ideas is it hateful or is it just purely ignorant like meaning like i think it's it's just i don't think as many human beings if you look at the internet i mean the internet has a lot of hate What percentage of the internet is hate and what percentage is supportive? Oh, on my feed? I just mean in general. I'd say 80% is hate. Yeah, but I don't think it is 80% because there's a good 30% that are just doing it just to piss people off,

which if I wasn't in this bullshit, I would be doing that. I would definitely be doing that. I would be the biggest fucking troll. It would be so fun. It would definitely be doing that. I would be the biggest fucking troll. Hard as fuck. It would be so fun. It's fun. I don't mind.

I think trolls are funny. This is the thing. If you're fucking... Good trolls. Good trolls. If you're joking, I don't give a fuck what you say. I really don't. Good trolls.

But if you're serious, then that's actually annoying. But the thing is, is you can't tell. So that's why I don't read any of it. That's why I don't fucking... I tweet something. There was a girl, Jim Norton did a thing with Lindy West. She was like, I don't know what the thing was, but she went on W. Kamau Bell. I keep wanting to say podcast.

W. Kamau Bell. I keep wanting to say podcast, but it was this TV show and read her hate mail. And she gets like 15 in and you're just like, this is what's wrong with the Internet. And then number 16 was so funny. It was like, I hope a refrigerator falls on you. And you're like, that one's good. You got to give it to that guy. That guy's got some chops.

I know you always have to get. Patrice was good about that. What's that? Just like if somebody got him with a good one. Yeah. I remember he was in the, he told me this story.

He was at Stand Up New York and he was, remember that bit he used to do? Like when y'all look at me, do you see a big motherfucker or do you see a fat motherfucker? And this black dude in the back goes,

a big fat motherfucker. And the whole place died laughing and then Patrice goes, all right, that was good. That was a good one. I'm not was good. That was a good one. I'm not going to lie. That was a good one. What was the one, by the way, this is, this will stamp my fandom in podcast, in radio

and podcasting and comedy. What was the one that they yelled out at you at Dangerous Fields? If it's red. Anything on, anything red and on stage is a faggot. I didn't even know what to say to it. It was so schoolyard and childish and he was so fucking angry.

No, it was just like these three white dudes and you could just feel the heat of their anger. And the whole crowd, the whole crowd felt the heat of their anger. So it was cock blocking

the whole show and I'm up there bombing and my survival skills were just going don't look at him don't say that this is just a loss bill just take this fucking loss you're still gonna make the playoffs just get out of the stadium leave and i just i just the ego i just couldn't i just finally just went let go of i go hey what are you guys talking about on and that's he says anything red and on stage is a faggot it was like it's like all right so uh what's up with monica lewinsky and then i kind of had to walk by him like no i was just like these guys are gonna jump on me

and they are not gonna stop and i and there's like fucking 80-year-old waiters in red jackets are going to have to try to pull them off. I remember, I don't know where I was when I heard you say that, but I could not stop. You're like, I had no defense. There was nothing. There's one of the few times somebody ever heckled me, I didn't say anything. I just went right back into my act.

Oh. I saw Anthony Clark do something like that one time it was fucking hilarious he was standing on stage and he was doing his shit and he was he was killing blah blah blah as always and then somebody just started talking said something to him and he was just standing there and he just looked at him and then just went right back and did the next joke and the i can't i can't do it the way he did it the The whole fucking place just leveled. And I was like, and we were in the back.

We were all young comics then way back in the day. And I was thinking like, he just handled the heckler without even saying anything. He's one of the guys I miss the most. I miss him, man.

He was funny as fucking shit. And he was a good hang. And one of the greatest storytellers ever. God, he was, everything about him was really dripping with like authentic,

like he was just, all right. No, he was so funny. Do you want a martini? Like just a fun guy to party with. I party with him a bunch at the improv.

Super intelligent and really silly is like my favorite combination ever in a comedian he was like that man did you do you did did you you townies wasn't with him right molly ringwald gosh he's so fucking hot to this day dude uh one of this oh fuck what was i gonna say oh david tell best i'm young comic i'm in the back and a guy is heckling a tell This has got to be 99 98 and he goes he goes sir

That's enough out of you I'm gonna come back and he goes and then the guy he goes I hear one more peep out of you and when I'm done With this joke, I'm gonna destroy you and then the guy Says something again. He goes okay. All right, sir I'm gonna finish this joke and I'm coming right back to you. And he finishes his joke, da, da, da, and that's the difference between men and women on fire. All right,

you're up, dumb nuts, here we go. And he goes, it's guys like you that make girls like that fuck guys like me. Here's the problem with,

like, he had 20 and the guy got up and walked out and I'm just in the back going, I don't have that skill set. Like,

I couldn't, I had nothing to get out of a fucking... Didn't you, I love that when, when I didn't know how to handle hecklers, my favorite. And you go up there and you get eaten alive by a crowd.

And I remember when a tell or Louis C.K. Chappelle, Greer Bart, like somebody was going to go on stage that I, and I would, as much as I hated the crowd and I was embarrassed and people were walking by, looking at me, I bombed. I didn't give a fuck. I just stood there and I would just wait. I go, this fucking guy, now he has confidence

because he fucking, you know, because he beat me who doesn't even know what he's doing and he's going to think like, oh, I'm running the room. Ugh. And then those guys would go up there. Fucking destroyed.

It was like your big brother came in and beat the shit out of the bully for you. It was fucking awesome. Patrice did that for me one time. He saw me say a prayer before I went on stage. It was that bad in the Boston. And I got off and he was like, ugh.

He's like, I don't ever want to see you say a prayer before you bomb. And then he went up and annihilated this table of black chicks. All in the front row. David Tell did that to me one time. I came off stage at State of New York. I was going, oh man, they're real aggressive. And he goes, I was too scared to do this one

blah blah blah and he went up there and fucking just leveled all shut them all the fuck up and was in the middle of killing and he looked over

and he goes do you have a little more courage now little red man something like that I just I felt like such a fucking pussy

oh Jesus I would love to tour with a towel I just, I felt like such a fucking pussy. Jesus. I would love to tour with Attell. Just to watch him. I'll tell you a turning point in my career, opening for him at the Improv in Tempe, Arizona, that great club with Spade taped at Special.

Yeah. And that was like, back then, that was the deal. That was the club. Well, because nobody was doing theaters like carlin was doing cosby like guys at that level you could sell at the tempe improv that's 500 that was it that that was that was where the dream ended yeah those black and white tiles you walked in it was like i've made it and i watched rachel can i get one more drink please real quick keep going so i walked in and and I was thinking, like, all right, I've never seen David Tell not be doing the 1230 spot at the Cellar. How is he going to adjust to this dry climate of the desert?

And I'm all in my head, okay, don't say this. You've got to say Circle K. You've got to say- Wait, you were that guy? I used to be like, what do they have here for convenience store do i say 7-eleven this is before 7-elevens were like across the country we had like we had like christie's and cumberland farms for where i was from so and he went up there and did not change a fucking word one bit actually went harder here take this and And murdered.

That was the crazy thing, watching people go from doing city sets to watching them do an hour. I'm going to finish this fucking thing. Yeah, we're going to get through it. I got to burn on the other side. All right. I've never seen you on the road. I would like to see you in a theater.

I've never seen you do a theater hour. That's fun. I'm not going to lie to you. It's a fun time. Do you know what I wanted to do I got a great one for you I'm a fucking huge Stevie Ray Vaughan

Double Trouble fan and I found this footage I'd never seen of them killing it at this this little theater

in Memphis and I was like wait I'm going to Memphis and I looked up and it's the same fucking theater but I think they redid it cause I'm one of those geeks I get off on like if I get up there and I'm standing on the's the same fucking theater. Yeah. But I think they redid it because I'm one of those geeks.

I get off on like if I get up there and I'm standing on the same floorboards that they stood on, you feel like their magic is in there. Hold on. What's the place in Long Island? Brewer did a... A one in the round?

No, no, he did a residency there for a month. It's a... Governors. No, no, no. It's a theater. They just opened it. They just redid it. It's really beautiful. Was it No, no, no. It's a theater. They just opened it. They just redid it. It's really beautiful.

Is it Montclair, New Jersey? No, no, no. No, no, no. It's Long Island. It's... Is it Montclair, New Jersey? I'm trying to think of the cities. And so anyway, I go in and they have a thing on stage

and they go, it's like a plaque. And they go, this is where billy joel opened he opened the club for them this is where he sat his piano so if you stand here you're standing where billy joel stood and i in the middle of my set just walked back over and told a joke from there i couldn't help it i love dude theaters are one of the coolest like uh clubs are amazing because you see everyone's name up there but you know everyone's been there but when you go to these theaters some of them you're like i was there at one i'm a big fan of wilco and and i got i did one in what does wilco stand for i don't know will comply no and so and so i was in columbus and they were that's why they do it but they were going to be in columbus the next night

and uh and i was like i was like wait you're telling me that do it. They were going to be in Columbus the next night. And I was like, wait, you're telling me that Jeff Tweedy's going to be on the same stage I was in? And they're like, yeah. I was like, wait, you guys are all going to see Jeff Tweedy tomorrow? And they're like, yeah. I was like, do you guys know who he is? And they're like, nah, not really. Because it's theater staff. I was like i like holy fuck like it just blew my mind that

my favorite band that i would go see was going to be standing on the same stage i was on i was like that just like i was in fucking fort wayne indiana and they're like wu-tang clan's here tomorrow and i was like shut the fuck up yeah that's when i always think of those i go save your money these fucking brilliant people that perform where the fuck am I going to go down to oh Wellmont is that

no I don't think that's it no it's not it's not Montclair it's in Long Island and Montclair New Jersey Long Island

so you want to Google it's in Long Island Brewer did a whole month there he sold out like every fucking he did like Thursday Friday Saturday you know what's hilarious

he has a fucking bit about Slayer fans where he went to some fucking concert and everyone's having a good time and then slayer closed and he said these fucking people came out from the bathrooms and just going slayers you're gonna make those crazy voices yeah climb over the seat slayer slayer right the paramount so i saw slayers last show at fucking the Forum last Saturday night. And we were out in the parking lot and you just hear people go, Slayer, Slayer. And they're coming into the fucking Forum going, Slayer. It was like literally Brewer's Bit coming to life. They were doing everything but climbing over cars.

Oh. They were fucking, like their fan base. That show was so fucking incredible. like their fan base that show was so fucking incredible it was phil phil el samo does that say and el salmo yeah i missed him he did such a quick set he did all the pantera songs rex brown on bass right i think and no no he wasn't i don't think he was was he i don't think so. And then I saw Ministry set, and then Primus, and then fucking Slayer closed it out. And it was fucking incredible right until the end. And then they were saying goodbye, and I saw in the lead singer's face like legit sadness.

It's like, oh, this guy's really saying goodbye. Like, I don't think he's coming back. Do you ever get that? Do you ever get that way on stage, emotional? I don't see it in you. I know I had. I did it in Salt Lake City. I like how you started to ask that, and then you lost all confidence in it.

Do you ever feel that way? I don't see it in you. But do you ever get emotional on stage when you get done a tour, and you're like, that's it. This tour's over. No, because it never really ends. Yeah, but a tour tour like a tour when you're out for say you know you know 12 months and then your tour's wrapped and

and i don't i don't get i i get like uh i you know what brings on depression going back to new york really well how much the scene has changed, and then I go back, Opie and Anthony's not there. I want to see this guy. This guy died. This guy fucking died. This guy died.

So many people died. I mean, dude, I was counting the other day. I mean, I know like 30 fucking comics that died. It's fucking crazy. Fucking crazy. Yes. And same thing with Boston. I go back.

Oh, yeah. And I was back there for a week getting ready to do that that um Leary Cam Neely benefit and I was going back into the old haunts and what I had to do was I had to go to a new room so I went to like Laugh Boston and it was new so I didn't have any memories I didn't walk in and think I was gonna see fucking Bobby Dane Al Patrice and all of these guys Todd Todd Parker, Jim Loretta, all these guys I saw back in the day. I went in not expecting to see them. So I was able to have a lot of fun at that club. So, you know, there's clubs that, clubs I went to go to and they're

like not clubs anymore. Yeah. Like the Boston, you go back, it's like a fucking wine bar. Yeah, I know. And I walked in there and I was going, yeah, this used to be a comedy club, some 20-something. Yeah, fucking Dave Chappelle, right where that table is? I watched him do fucking 90 hours of stand-up there over the years.

I watched Dave Chappelle murder in that room. I didn't know he had been doing stand-up and I pulled him offside my second night in the comedy. Oh, how long were you doing? Yeah. And I was like, hey man, you're really funny. You should stick with this.

I just got into this. Like, let me know if you want to hit some mics or something. He was like, all right. Thank you, man. And just walked away. That's cool that he said that.

Very sweet guy. He's always been, I don't know him, but he's always been very nice anytime I've ran into him. He's always been very regular and nice.

Yeah, he's pretty laid back. All right, so what would you rather see? I'm going to say this game because I remember. I'm going to say this game because I remember. Lesbian roommates getting it on while you jizz on their face. Or? Chargers, Dolphins. Chargers, Dolphins.

You know the game. Kellen Winslow. Kellen Winslow, you know the game. There's only one Chargers-Dolphin game. Okay. That was the game of the decade. Okay, hold on. Would you rather be live at that game, right?

At that game. Great seats. Best friends. Okay, hold on. Would you rather be live at that game, right? At that game, great seats, best friends, age you are today, right? So you can appreciate how great that moment is. Or best band, like Led Zeppelin, although, you know, Metallica. Was that game in the Orange Bowl? Metallica and Guns N' Roses. Was that game in the Orange Bowl? It was in the Orange Bowl. That's one of my big regrets. I never saw a game there. I saw one. It sucked, Bill. I know. I hate the new stadiums.

I fucking hate them. I fucking hate them, although I hate the fucking Coliseum. I love that the Rams play in the L.A. Coliseum. Oh, it sucks so bad. I was there last night. It sucks so bad. You fucking pussies. What, because they don't have a sushi bar up there?

No, they got a sushi bar, Bill. They got a sushi bar. Oh, they do? And that's why it sucks. Who's eating sushi at the Coliseum? No, they got a sushi bar, Bill. They got a sushi bar. And that's why it sucks. Who's eating sushi at the Coliseum? No, so what would you rather see? Metallica Guns N' Roses

or in the Palladium or wherever the fuck they played in the 80s? Or early 90s, or late 80s? Or that Chargers-Dolphins game? Wow. All right, I'll tell you who I would like to have seen.

Bonscott, ACDC, Highway to Hell Tour. Okay. Or that game. It's a tough one. I've been to so many games, though. Sitting in the corner end zone when they're carrying Kellen Winslow off, and you reach down and he high fives you the hook and lateral bill i remember i remember standing i didn't know that play was possible

i stood up and told my dad that is what i want to do in life you know my manager saw ecdc on DC on the highway to hell tour really yeah um fuck uh I that's a pick-em I'd have to flip a coin because because the two things that are fucking magical to me uh music and old games when those guys were gods and all and also what was great about sports then is if you watch sports, you watched them because you love sports. Where, like there was no Super Bowl parties when I was growing up. Like people who were into sports watched the Super Bowl. The fucking Super Bowl used to come on at like three in the afternoon. Dude, I would wake up.

And the halftime show was like the local band. Steelers, Rams, Steelers, Rams. They played, I would wake up. And the halftime show was like the local band. Steelers-Rams. Steelers-Rams. They played, I think it was Super Bowl XIV. They played highlights from Super Bowl I,

II, III, IV, all day long. I sat. Oh, that's all you did? I sat in the front with a football with my fucking little short shorts

that said Tampa Bay Bucks and a half shirt. And I sat with a football just throwing the air and catching it. Throwing the air and catching it. All fucking day. All day. I watched half shirt. And I started with a football, just throwing the air and catching it. Throwing the air and catching it. All fucking day.

All day. I watched all those. And I had all the football cards and I would just like flash cards, like what I should have been doing with math. I knew Louis Kelch's fucking foot size. 16 quadruple E. I knew the fucking size, like every offensive

lineman, every defensive lineman i knew the colleges i went to and my dad used to say jesus christ you get fucking announced the fucking game like i used to get like fucking all these compliments so i would just keep doing that and then he'd be like christ bill hit the fucking books it's like i don't get the same sort of love i remember how many yards this guy got i remember finding out where leroy selman lived who was a and louis leroy do we die from sickle cell anemia yeah yeah louis did leroy had a heart attack a few years back i remember finding out where he lived it was in a cul-de-sac in carolwood and i told my dad what are we going to do with this information now like we know where he lives my dad's like

nothing and i was like leave him alone i was like hold on dad leroy sel dad's like, nothing. I was like, hold on, Dad. Leroy Selman's like, right there. We can go see him. And he was like, yeah, yeah, buddy. We're never going to see Leroy Selman. I was like, this is unfair. Can't we just stumble into his house and knock on the door and be like, hey, Leroy. I didn't know you lived here with your Tampa Bay shit head to toe.

Five pennants. Dude, I used to collect football pennants. So did I. I had so many football pennants. Yeah, I used to try to make the whole circle. I actually, I bought every plastic batting helmet from the thing, and my dad would paint numbers on the back. Oh. You ready for this? Because the Reds,

I had, oh my god, they're shortstop. Dave Concepcion. Yeah. I had that. You ready for this? My dad came home from a party at Burns Steakhouse with a Bucks pennant. And he said, buddy, I'm going to blow your mind. I got you an autograph from one of the Bucks players.

And my head's spinning. Batman Woods, Leroy Selman, Doug Williams. Oh, come on. Beat anyone. Garrow your premium. That's a great one. Do you still have it? As a kid, you're like, the fucking kicker?

Like, that's who I got is the kicker? No, he went old school bald, too. He had the horseshoe. He looked like a fucking insurance salesman. Garrow your premium? Yeah. That's a great one. Now, yeah, that's a great one now.

That was on eBay late night. I might have to, I'm on the road and I'm lonely. I might buy that. Oh, you know what I buy on eBay, on eBay late night, drunk? You ready for this? Football pencils. Do you remember football pencils? Yeah.

Dude, that was a big score for me. Do you know what I bought? I bought a complete set of all the football cards from 1970 all the way to 1980. Bart Starr? I bought all of them. I'd buy like not one chunk. I just kept buying. And I didn't buy the mint condition one

that were like thousands of dollars. There'd be guys that had like fucked up cards for like 150 bucks. It's like, I don't give a fuck that the corner is, I just want to look at them and read them. I fucking love them. It's like time traveling. You grab it and you go back to first grade where you're like...

I remember walking through Sears with my mom. And my mom, hold my hand, going... All we were there for was football pencils. Just walking to the girl. Do you guys have football pencils? And she'd be like, I don't know, maybe. And in my head, I was like, mom, if she doesn't know that she has them, they don't have them. Next door, let's go.

And then finally, I found football pencils. What a great mom, though. Taking you to store to store to get these fucking pencils football pencils and uh figurine horses and precious gems those are my things that's so florida fucking anything with a horse like a horse like a plastic horse i had one of my great fucking memories on the road i was you know alone of course i was watching tv one of those QVC things. And there was a woman, like they had the local feed. And she just kept going, this is genuine white gold.

She kept saying white. And I was just walking around the whole day talking to myself. Genuine. And it became totally exaggerated. White gold. And I opened with that that night and everybody was like laughing.

And it just, you know, when you improv right off the top, it puts you in a zone. you have the best set ever? Dane Cook, Sports Chalet. I like to take everything to the limit. He had seen that commercial one day. Dude, I wanted to go down and do a guest host on QVC because those hosts have legit chops. To be able to speak for four hours nonstop about nothing,

that is, like, I wanted to try it once, see if I could do it, and be brand friendly, you know? Who's that guy? They fucked up because they made him national. The guy who used to do the radio show for Alabama and Auburn fans, Feinbaum? I know who you're talking about. Is it? Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Oh, my God. If you listen, you got to go on the internet. You want to go down a rabbit hole. Listen to the people calling in, how much they give a fuck about that game. Because they always talk about Ohio State, Michigan, which is insane, which puts Yankees, Red Sox, anything at a pro level to shame. And I watched this whole fucking thing. It was this whole thing. No, no, no, no. I remember where I saw it.

What got me to go down there was they did a 30 for 30 on that guy who drove down and poisoned the fucking trees. Wait, do you know who Pat McAfee is? I got too much Bama in me. Do you know who Pat McAfee is? Mm-hmm. Have you heard him call games? Mm-mm. Bill, you're gonna fucking love it. Do you know, how well do you know Pat

McAfee? I know the name. Oh, Bill. I thought he was a comedian. He is. He is. He legit is a comedian, in my opinion. Okay. Played for the Colts.

Oh, that's how I know the name. Yeah, was a kicker. They're kicker or they're punter. But he's... Oh, that's... No, because I did a fucking one of those rough and rowdies. Yeah. Dude, that guy is fucking hilarious.

Really? He is the funniest fucking guy he did this he did he's calling games on espn and they are brilliant bill brilliant he's how do i get text me i'm gonna get you guys in touch but let me no text me i don't want to listen to the game when's it oh yeah i'll get you on it uh he's the one that remember when the last episode we said i said where i could kick a field goal he texted me and said hey he's the one that, remember when the last episode I said where I could kick a field goal? He texted me and said, hey, he's hosting game day now on ESPN. He goes, let me know,

and I'll have you kick a field goal game day. We'll set it up. You and Bill come out. Oh, that's who you're talking about. Kick a field goal, yeah. Pat McAfee is legit one of the funniest dudes out there. We'll helicopter in, we'll kick a field goal, and then tell our shit jokes at night.

I'll call him right now. Well, no, we get it. You're a big shot. You have people's numbers. Don't let the flip flops fool you this guy's the most hollywood piece of shit i've ever met so hollywood i've been waiting for it my whole fucking life just a little bit of this intro at the rough and rowdy i forget who he introduced it was just like you know you know matt sullivan hey please welcome Matt Sullivan, the second. And then he goes, the second.

There was another. And it was just such a subtle way of going, no one gives a fuck about you or whoever the fuck your dad was. There was another. Dude, I was fucking, I'm not even doing it justice how well he delivered that comedically. He is so funny. He did a thing on Instagram yesterday. Lamar Jackson is amazing, right?

Oh, my gosh. He does a juke, and this guy literally breaks his ankle trying to catch him. And Pat McAfee, all it's him going, that is a professional athlete. He just made fall. He is a professional athlete he just made fall. He is a professional athlete. A professional athlete. Do you know how much greater it must have been to be on a team with him? Where the field goal kicker is the funniest guy in the locker room breaking everybody's balls.

For the brand! He always says, if any field goal kicker kicks a good kick, as soon as he goes through the thing, for the brand! Bill, I've got to get you two together! Bill, I gotta get you two together. I gotta get you two together. You guys are very similar, different people. You fucking, wow. I don't know if this is a cigar or what the fuck you just said.

My throat hurts from the cigar. I gotta tell you something, I'm getting my second wind here. I'm ready for another. I have a problem. Dude, this is a fucking fun podcast. This is great. People, go after your dreams. Someday you could be as dumb as us.

Oh. Doing this shit. This is the middle of the day on a Monday. There's people out there that actually have to work. It's January 2020. The year 2020 shows up a lot in science fiction. A lot of people predicted we'd be living in Mars right now, teleporting, going to work via space vehicles,

and a lot of those predictions were wrong. The truth is, we'll always get the future wrong, which is why we need to get life insurance right now and get it right. That's where Policy Genius can help. Policy Genius makes finding the right life insurance a breeze. In minutes, you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find your best price. You could save $1,500 or more a year by using PolicyGenius to compare life insurance policies. Once you apply, the PolicyGenius team will handle all the paperwork and red tape. And PolicyGenius doesn't just make life insurance easy.

They can also help you find the right home or auto insurance or even disability insurance. So if your science fiction dreams for 2020 still haven't become science fact, don't get discouraged. Get life insurance now. It takes just a few minutes to find the best price and apply at PolicyGenius.com. PolicyGenius. We'll always get the future wrong, but get the life insurance right. How's my hair look, by the way? How's my hair look, by the way? How's my hair look?

Because did you know that 66% of men lose their hair by age 35? That's right. This podcast is brought to you by 4HIMS. HIMS is a one-stop shopping for male wellness, whether it's male pattern baldness or ED. This is the place you go. If you notice your hairlines moving backwards, it's already too late. You got to get in front of that. I've got a lot of friends, Bill Burr, Tom Segura, they both of them started losing their hair because they didn't stop

it. I, on the other hand, stopped it. And if you look very closely, you will notice that my hairline looks amazing. I will tell you right now, when I went to deal with my hairline move back, I had to go to a doctor. I had to wait in a pharmacy. I had to talk to a nurse behind a counter and have an in-awkward patient visit. The guy that started for him knows very clearly that's not what guys are motivated by.

It kind of discourages us. So he set it up so that all you had to do was go online, fill out a simple questionnaire, and if you were approved by doctors, then you could get the medicine that you needed to replace your hair. Simple medicine. The medicine that got depatentized and now that we can all use. I don't think that's actually accurate.

By the way, I am ballparking this for him, because I've done a For Hems read so much, but I love For Hems. I've done a 4HIMS read so much, but I love 4HIMS. I'll tell you right now, this isn't snake oil medicine that you get over the counter at some gas station. This isn't some bullshit. This is doctor prescribed medicines. All you've got to do is go online and fill out a simple questionnaire. If you're approved by the doctor, then you get the medicine.

Discreetly shipped to your door. You use it, you get your hair back. That's all that it is. It's super simple. Thanks to science, baldness is now an option. That is why I have hair. That is why Bill doesn't. Simple. Very simple. All I did is do the work. Do the work, get the hair, be beautiful, and be the lead of your own podcast with your best friend who's bigger than you are, but people look at you because you look beautiful. Dive into 2020 hair first. My listeners, our listeners, can get started with their first month for free. Go to 4hims.com slash Bill Burt. That's 4hims.com slash Bill Burt. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate, offer valid, only if prescribed. Very important.

Three months minimum prescription, additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. I was supposed to go to Universal Studios with my kids, and I was like, I'm panicking. Pax BM put on roller coasters now. And I was like...

I fucking hate roller coasters. I hate all of those fucking things. They did that for a living. I hate the lack of control. What do you mean? I can do... They're on rails. Because I...

Yeah, every time I go to fucking Six Fl on rails because I yeah. I may not go to fucking Six Flags. Somebody gets hurt. We got stuck on a fucking ride. You know, the Superman roller coaster one. We were stuck on that. I was stuck on that. I was stuck on that. I was stuck on that. And I didn't have claustrophobia until I tried to get out. And I was just like, oh, my God. And I saw this guy's coming in the yellow beekeeper suits looking at a fucking fuse box. And I'm like, oh, my God, I saw this guy's coming in the yellow beekeeper suits looking at a fucking fuse box. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm that guy. And my wife was starting,

the only thing that kept me calm was she was starting to freak out. Dude, it was only a four minute delay. It was fucking terrifying. Cause I remember the story is like, am I going to be here for six hours? Yeah. Am I going to start losing feeling in my extremities? Season two of Birth to Conqueror.

I now know that I'm riding roller coasters for a living. We get stuck on a ride at Busch Gardens West in Virginia. And we get stuck on a ride. And I don't think twice about it, right? And this child is sitting next to me. He's maybe 10 years old. And he goes, kind of scary, huh? And I went, oh, the ride's over.

We're just waiting for them to get us out. And he goes, yeah, but to think like we can't get out. Like, could you get out right now? And I went, huh? And I went, oh, the ride's over. We're just waiting for them to get us out. And he goes, yeah, but to think like, we can't get out. Like, could you get out right now? And I went, huh? He's like, wait, are you in the Superman?

I'm locked in. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes like, dude, it's making my chest hurt. And I go, I did not like that at all. I go,

and now I'm shaking. And I go, huh? I started freaking out so fucking bad. 10-year-old's holding your hand. I held his hand. No!

Dude, it's in the... There's a promo of me going, I'm sorry, I stepped on your punchline. No, no, no, no, no. I started... And then I got stuck on one ride out at Magic Mountain. It's the ride where you lock in.

Hey, Bertolino, what's the ride where you lock in and then they put you so that you're flying? Tatsu. Tatsu. I get stuck on Tatsu, right? We come into the thing. We're shooting

another show for travel channel i have a vest on with a camera and a mic attached to it right we're still facing down and we're waiting we're waiting we're waiting we're waiting they bring us into the fucking thing the floor hasn't come up yet so we could stand we're waiting and they go it's going to be a little bit guys and now i'm you know i have a tv show that we're shooting there so i call over the lady and i said can can you tell me what's going to be a little bit, guys. And now I'm, you know, I have a TV show that we're shooting there. So I called over the lady and I said, can you tell me what's going on? She goes, we called the maintenance guy. He's on his way. Guy's showing up with welder's mask.

Just hang on a second. You know, they do that welding mask thing where they do this, they do that. She says. She goes. It's going to get a little hot before it gets better you're just surrounded by metal hot hot hot all right move on to the next kid she goes she goes it's gonna spritz in you with water like they're cutting diamonds yeah she goes it's gonna She goes, it's going to be a while.

I said, how long is a while? She goes, he's on his way. I said, okay, where is he in the park? Like how far? And she goes, well, we woke him up in Tarzana. I'm like, he's got to get in the fucking 170, then onto the five. I'm like, I'm going to be here for how fucking long? And I was like, I said, I'm going to need someone to hold my hand.

I'm a, I'm going to be here for how fucking long? And I was like, I said, I'm going to need someone to hold my hand. I'm a fucking grown man. They raised the floors, and she sat crisscross applesauce underneath me and held my hand. I panicked so fucking much. And you know what? The guy who owned that park was smoking a cigar like that. Don't hurt the fucking rag. Those people can sit there for a fucking week. I still owe 80 grand on that fucking thing.

Fuck amusement parks, man. I'll go on the teacups. I can get the fuck out. Fuck the teacups. If they can get out. But you can get out. I won't. No, I won't.

That makes me dizzy. I throw up. Okay. It's getting good. It's getting good. It's getting good. Yeah. Do the battery change.

I'll piss and we'll finish it up. Oh, I've legit got laughed so much. Do you think, well, it doesn't matter. Just edit this out. Do you think Chappelle, does he laugh a lot? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, he gives it up. Really? I think when you're as good as him yeah like you're not intimidated like people who are like assholes are like they have a level of insecurity to like it's I think it's all how you apply your insecurity because insecurity is tremendous for a comedian yeah and but you really part of being a young comic

is you don't know how to understand that everybody around you has no effect on you. So you're reacting, and there's comics you can't fucking stand, and you get into this whole fucking thing. And then when you get older, you just understand, like, look, I am in total control of this yeah like if i just do what the fuck it is that i do something chapelle told me hey can i ask you a

personal question yeah did is did did sebastian really live below you meet you and lived on the same floor as me and that's how he got into comedy he He asked me how to... He did the hardest thing in comedy. He came to L.A. and started at the store in the late 90s. Wait, what year were you in? Was this when you were shooting... Yeah. Well, no, that was over, but I can't... It was like...

It's got to be 90s. 98. 98. You came back in 99. 99. 99, you came up to me. I was on... That's when Patrice told me, like, wow, at least I feel like I'm moving forward.

99, I was walking down 3rd Street, and you said, West 3rd, and you said, hey, I heard you're funny. I heard you got a deal. Listen, you should go. Don't be embarrassed to tell esty that you got a deal they don't know about hollywood stuff and if you got something going on it's okay to say that and i went really and you're like yeah yeah you know it's whatever you can do to get spots you said whatever you can do to get spots and then did that work uh no and then i know yeah i didn't think

that's bad advice not work and then my heart was in the right place i was listening to that advice i'm like that doesn't work yeah and then geraldo gerald i said to gerald i said uh i said so bill said bill said this and gerald was like if i were you i'd just keep getting on stage just get on stage as much as you can buddy and i was like what did you learn listen to greg don't listen to bill so wait sebastian came up to you you live on the same floor and he was like it's so funny he came up to me he goes uh yeah so you're a... By the way, he was still Sebastian then. Yeah, he was still Sebastian.

He's like, you're a comedian, right? You're a comedian. And I was all excited. Oh, my God, somebody knows what I do. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. Come here. And he goes, yeah, I've been thinking about trying it. I felt like we were like a drug deal or something

and i was like he goes how do you get it and i was going like yeah you go down to the store and i was and as i was telling him what to do he's just going to go like like i was boring i felt like i was boring him with it and we just became friends and he had some crazy neighbor that was living across from him they used to walk around naked. It was, I'm not, I'm spared the fucking details. It was some dude that was getting off on. Other people seeing him naked? I think other guys seeing him naked.

I've been that guy. Keep going. So I became friends with him because we were hanging out and we were spitballing, trying to figure out, because he was calling the cops and like, unless you got like video, we can't get you so i was spitballing how he could entice this guy to get naked i go you gotta walk around the apartment just be a little frilly and we were just laughing and then i moved back to new york and then like five years later i was out and i'm

never going to la again they're all so phony. Just stupid shit, because I couldn't get stage time. I was blaming a city. Stupidest thing you can do, right? So five years later, I come out. And I see this guy on stage. I'm like, how the fuck do I know this guy? Because I knew him very briefly.

I knew him for about six, seven months. And then five years went by. And I was back out there doing some showcase probably bombed right and I saw this guy on stage. I'm going like fuck don't know the out drum. You know when he was just going by Sebastian And I was just like oh my god. That's that fucking guy down the hall Look at him. He's getting spots, and I wanted to say hello, but like I you know, bullshit. I had to, you know, go somewhere. And then the next time I came out, he was like one of the guys. Yeah.

And I walked up to him. Hey, do you remember? Yeah, I remember you. Right. And then fucking last year, he was getting Comedian of the Year. And he had just sold out Madison Square Garden four fucking times. It's one of the coolest stories I have as far as like, I lived down the hall from a guy who asked, how do you start?

And now here I am presenting him with this award and he fucking- You presented the award to him? Yeah, I almost got choked up. It was fucking crazy. But he said, I want Bill to present it because he's- I almost got, I was like, I was worried

how I'm not good in those fucking moments. And I was so proud of him. And I was just like... And it was such a cool fucking story. It was really fucking amazing. What did you say? I don't remember. I kind of told this story

and I was trying to be funny and all fucking cool, whatever. But it really like... It was a big thing that he asked me to do it, I felt. It's a perfect... Yeah. Like full circle kind of thing. And he asked me to do it, I felt. It's a perfect. Yeah. Like, full circle kind of thing. And I kept saying to Nia, going, I got this fucking, he was right there. And his wife was there. I was like, he was down the hall.

And she was laughing. I was doing the impression. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He made me feel like I was asking him how to start. Because he's like, cool guy. You know what I mean? I'm like this fucking orange-headed shithead, you know? I sat.

I think I slept on him. Like, I saw as one of his specials and it was great but i hadn't really seen him live a bunch this bick is like i didn't sign up for this man he's gonna have the same life as a mosquito uh we i forget where we were somewhere maybe in vietnam and what they were doing is they take a big what is it about Vietnam? Tell me something about Vietnam. I love Vietnam. No, no. Give me some travel channel about Vietnam.

Give me a nice fucking sound bite on Vietnam. This is going to be... It's going to change your cultural DNA. Is that what they call eating crickets? That's my agent.

Probably should take this. Did you eat crickets when you were over there? I ate everything. Did you eat the bugs? Yeah, yeah. I've eaten just about... I've done a lot of,

I've eaten a lot of stuff where I was like, oh, this is going to be, I'm going to be sick from this. And? I never got sick from anything I ate and I ate everything.

Well, it's because their food is better. It's just. There's no trans fats in a fucking mosquito. We went into a village one time and I had Skittles

and they had all these kids that never, kids never seen a guy with a beard before So, you know Vietnamese men don't grow beards like this I didn't know so here I come out of the woods like chupacabra and walk into their village fuck is true Chupacabra is that in Star Wars? No chupacabra is is a Puerto Rican Legend like he's like they're wolfman. And so I come in and the kids fucking I am fucking Googling that. Chupacabra.

On the way home. Oh, it's a dude. It was a great name. Any wrestler ever take that? I'm certain there's a wrestler named Chupacabra. And so I come out and these kids are never seen a guy with a beard, let alone a big, loud American like me. And we go in. He's such a great ambassador for this country.

Oh. People know exactly what they're getting when they come here. And so we have a beer with the local guys there and then I go over to the kids and they're scared of me because of my beard and I tell them they can touch my beard and when they touch my beard I go

and they all freak out and so then I give them that's chupacabra and so I give them a handful of Skittles. They'd never had Skittles. I had them in my bag. And I looked at these kids that have Skittles for the first time, and they were like, this might be the perfect food.

Like a little Vietnamese kid never had a Skittle in his life, just pop it in like, oh. And I'm like, oh. Now there's an obesity problem. You're like the first AIDS patient. You went over there with Skittles. Now they're all infected. Yeah.

But, uh... This wolf man came by. Gave me fucking diabetes. It was crazy walking into a Vietnamese village because...

Do you know, in Japan, they got a big problem with diabetes. Really? Because you always think they're so skinny and everything is great.

It's because all of the white rice that they eat with the sushi. Now, I don't know if that was just some sort of propaganda that I heard in a political campaign, but that's what I heard. You know, I heard Japanese people are allergic to alcohol. Their faces get red. Their livers don't process it. By the way, we should Google that

before we post it on the internet. That's one of my bucket list cities to go to. Japan? I gotta go to Japan. It's fucking amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing because

you've never seen anything like it. Everyone is silent and polite. You go into their train station, Bill, no one's speaking. No one's speaking. It is like drop a pin silent. Sounds amazing. It's pretty fucking nice. Then you go into their train station, Bill, no one's speaking. No one's speaking. It is like drop a pin silent. Sounds amazing.

It's pretty fucking nice. Then you go into where all the crops... Do you know they defeated Russia in a war? When? And they went to go claim the land, and the whole white world said, no, you can't do that. And they were like, what the fuck? You guys do it all the time.

It kind of was like what I believe kind of set off the whole World War II thing. Because they were on an island and they needed to expand. So that's what they were trying to do. I'm really speaking beyond me here. I'm just realizing right now Japan is just that island.

Yeah, so they needed to expand. Holy, this is like the dumbest white guy statement ever. We went to war with just like a small island the size of California. Yeah. Dude, you don't understand how close Hitler came to winning. And he just gave in to Paris. He could have drove all the Allied forces into the fucking ocean and he couldn't resist Paris. And he made a left turn because I think he wanted to go down the Champs-Élysées in his fucking Mercedes-Benz.

I'm really paraphrasing the complexity of a world war here, but that's... Oh, he refused to bomb the city. Because he wanted Paris. So he wanted Paris. Like, he didn't... He'll bomb the fuck out of Europe. Yeah. There's all kinds of shit. Do you know

Sweden became an economic power after World War II because, simple the fact that they were standing because they remained neutral. They looked the other way while the Nazis went into Norway. And they didn't do a fucking thing about it. This is a great story, right? And Sweden used to own the lowered third of Norway and Norway bought it back.

And after the war, they were so broke. They said, can you buy it back from us? And to add insult to injury, when they needed the money, they said no. And then Norway kept it. And then they discovered all this fucking oil. And now Norway is crushing economically over Sweden, and Sweden comes in and does the jobs that Norwegians don't want to do. That's what they told me over there. Yeah, it's fascinating over there. Finland also defeated the Russians, but because they were aligned with the Axis,

they ended up losing even though they won. Gulf of Finland is right next to the St. Petersburg. Yeah, and the thing was, you know, anybody that was on Hitler's side, they assumed that they knew what the fuck he was doing. But I look at Finland like they were stuck between two of the biggest madmen ever, Stalin and Hitler, and you had to pick a poison.

And if you look at the Russian cars and you look at the German cars, you're like, I think they're going to win. So I think they went with that. I mean, they had like fucking liquid-cooled machine guns. I read all of this shit. If you were an American GI and you killed a German, you dropped your weapon and picked up theirs.

That's how far superior. Did you ever hear that fucking, Norm MacDonald said one time, he goes, Germany's like the size, I think it's like the size of Maine. They tried to take over the world, and he goes, and they almost did it. They're the size of Maine? Something like that.

I mean, it's not- That's so crazy when you think that America's so big, and then I don't think I've ever really, when I think of Japan, I think of Asia. I don't think of like Japan being that island. Can I tell you something? That's why their cars were so fucking superior and why they looked down on us.

Because the way we designed our cars, we had all this open space. So it was about pinning it and going in a straight line because you could. And they were driving, they wanted to go fast too. And they're driving down all these streets that they used to fucking ride horses down. So their suspension, their turning and all that was just far superior just out of necessity whoa yeah so then we were just like muscle car big fucking engine so that's why they look down on us and there was especially in formula one there's this great book called the limit have you seen ford and ferrari wait the limit yeah of course i saw that the limit and it was uh it was the first time an american won the formula one championship and they

looked down on us like we would we were vulgar like just and we were idiots and stuff and this guy got the best ride he got the he got the ferrari ride in formula one and this is how fucking much people died back then and how much they didn't give a fuck. His ride, when he got it, it had a hole in the fucking floor pan like that. First of all, the fact that they would leave that shows you how primitive aerodynamics was. First of all, how high up the car sat. And that air just going in there, just what that would do as far as drag. And that air just going in there, just what that would do as far as drag.

And the reason why they had the hole in there was because the last guy who drove it got decapitated and he bled out in the car. So they drilled a hole in it. And he fucking they hosed off all of the blood and they're like, this is your ride. And that was the big thing. Enzo Ferrari, when a car, when a driver would die be you know with a little cappuccino would say how sad that was and then his next question was how's the car dude you have to look at some some of the old formula ones dude there's people standing on straightaways behind a fucking yellow rope and you're on a straighter when you think you're safe until cars hit each other and then the physics of that sends it into the crowd dude there was a guy he fucking crashed his the hood of his car came off and went through the crowd like a chinese star and decapitated a whole row of people his car was airborne he landed on like a fucking jersey

barrier dead on fire in front of all these people like and he's just like that there's footage of it i when i read the book i looked looked it up. I'm sorry. The guy's name was, there was a guy, his name was Crash, was his nickname. No. Yeah, Lunatic. He's the guy who goes into the crowd. And people just underneath the car. The heat of the engine dying. I mean, just sitting on your fucking face.

I mean, it was fucking brutal. And it was just like, you couldn't sue anybody back then. And he went to the race that did not go so well how's the car bert you are up next yeah we'll look at the german cars we'll look at the russian cars i think we're gonna go with germany on this one i love that i i mean i'm sure i could listen to it i could listen to a whole show when they break down history in the way that mal Gladwell does those books. You know, like just the economics of history.

Dude, I'll tell you right now, you've got to get into racing. I mean, what you've got to watch, you've got to watch MotoGP, which is the fucking top motorcycle racers. It's the most exciting fucking racing that's out there. There was like four races this year where Marc Marquez and Andres De Vizioso pass each other like fucking four times, five times on the final fucking lap. I couldn't believe how much I was screaming like I'm watching a football game. I like the Ducatis.

I'm a Harley guy. I was thinking I'm doing this show out. One of my goals, at some point, I want to ride a fucking... What's the big one? Fat Boy? Not the Fat Boy, though. The fucking classic. Oh, my God.

Soft Tail? No, dude. You don't know shit about motorcycles, either. I don't. A Road King. I want to ride a Road King in the middle of this country. No. Oh, I want to do that. Tom Papa did that across country.

Tom Papa's a really good motorcycle. You've never known him. His dad's obsessed with motorcycles. Yeah. Like a legit motorcycle guy. He drove across country with his wife. Yeah. It's one of those.

Tom Papa's such an interesting guy. Yeah. He's like, doesn't seem like the guy. Hey, how are you? How's it going? He's baking bread and shit. And it's just like, yeah, I rode a Harley across country. Someone just said something about Tom Papa to me.

He was probably wearing a sport coat when he did it. someone just said something about Tom Papa to me he's probably wearing a sport coat when he did it someone just said something about Tom Papa to me the other day they're like no yeah you know

he's like black belt in jujitsu or something no he isn't no he's a boxer or something someone just said it to me the other day

and I went Tom Papa and they're like oh yeah yeah yeah I want to see Tom Papa knock out a heckler that would be the

I bet he could and then go right back into his clean comedy he's got that old 1940s man vibe. He is. You know?

He is. He was, in the best possible way, I'm saying this, he was born in the wrong era. You ever go to his, like his, when he has parties and stuff,

like he does like the, the entire seven course Italian meal. He's a great dude. He is. It's fucking, and then afterwards you smoke a

cigar with him it's just like somebody's still flying the flag here i love this yeah he doesn't he doesn't push for conversation you know like there's something you and sagura like that you don't one of my favorite things he ever did i'm not gonna say who the comic was but just one of these fucking comics he's just at first you like them and then they're fucking annoying and the dude came up to him and front of everybody, started talking to me. He goes, don't talk to me. And he goes, what? He goes, because every time you talk to me, you want something.

And it was it was just classic him right to the fucking point. And it was so. I remember thinking, like, that's what I've been trying to say to this guy. I just did not say it. And there wasn't a curse. He didn't raise his voice he said it right and all the guy could do you know when they put i have this big thing when somebody puts a hand of their chest like this they're lying yeah i wasn't trying i was just blah blah you're full of shit yeah and that's what he did he got him so bad i think was both hands you know i came up with

that when that publicist backed over all of those fucking people out on long island oh yeah and the cops the cops came to her house she had so much fucking money a lawyer met the cops in the driveway and said she'll come down there tomorrow and i remember reading that going i didn't know you could do that. She'll come down there tomorrow. I was with a really famous comedian. And the next day in the paper when she was talking, it was just a picture of her defending herself. She had both hands doing that shit.

And I was just like, she's full of shit. I was with a really famous comedian the other night. And I said... By the way, she backed over like seven people. Sorry. That's okay. She couldn't get into the club, and she got mad. Is that what she did?

Like, she ignited them? She fucking backed up and just... And then left the scene of the accident. A lawyer met the cops in the driveway and said, she'll be down there tomorrow, and they said, okay. Nice. I got to know that that's available now.

My point was, I was with a very famous comedian. And then? And he was very standoffish. And I was like, that's so weird that he would be like that. Like, he wouldn't just. Because he's a guy that says. Were you wearing a shirt? In defense of him, were you wearing a shirt?

I was up until I went on stage yes but then i thought i wonder how many people ask him for stuff i wonder how many people don't see him as a person and see him as an opportunity and i went uh maybe that's why he's standoffish you know like the same way tom papa goes every time you talk to me you're asking for something i wonder if that is the defense that guy has to throw up no because he wasn't anywhere he wasn't tom papa at that point he was a comedian we were all just comedians yeah and we would we were in at the cellar that was it so nobody knew who the fuck we were so i'll give you a good tip on that type of shit you meet somebody like that if you can find out what their hobby is. I don't care. Talk about that. I don't care.

And then never ask for a picture. I don't, no, I don't. Look, I've done, all my heroes, I've met all my heroes in comedy. Hollywood.

No, no, like who were your heroes in comedy when you started? You're trying too hard with the flip flops. Just come in here with sunglasses the next time,

you fucking bastard. Who were your heroes when you started comedy? You. Shut up. Who were your heroes when you started comedy? You. Shut up. Who were your heroes when you started comedy? I didn't know you yet

and I was just like, someday, there's going to be a guy from Florida who shit in a pizza box and he's going to come here and he's going to change comedy. And I was like,

I need to meet this person. And then someday, do this thing that doesn't exist yet while smoking a cigar. Do this thing that doesn't exist yet. You got those toothpicks? It's becoming that time. You're taking it to a toothpick? Come on, man. You got to finish.

We got to show these people. This is how we got where we were at. You start something, you finish it. Who were your comedy heroes? I didn't have any comedy heroes when I started. My biggest comedy hero

was Attell. Attell, Hedberg. I never met Hedberg. He died before I met him. I met him a few times. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Quiet, nice fucking guy.

Stan Hope. Oh, Stan Hope. Like, for the longest time, like, I used to guy. Stan Hope. Oh, Stan Hope. Like, for the longest time, like, I used to joke with Stan Hope. It was just like, I knew Stan Hope, loved him, and then started to hate him

because every fucking comedy condo I stayed in, he was there the week before and did something crazy with a hooker or a midget, a little person, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. And it was just like, it's like, doesn't this man understand that other people have to stay here? But he's Stanhope, so you can't because the story would be so good.

It's like, all right, I understand it. And then I have to go buy like a fucking plastic zip up suit to fucking sleep in the goddamn bed. What are you putting in? Toothpaste. Oh, thank you. Yeah, Patrice. I would say I was a fan of Patrice before he was famous. You know, like everyone became a fan of Patrice's, I think. Everyone was a fan of Patrice who knew him.

Oh yeah, who knew him, but I think as a young comic working the door at the Boston, Patrice was the guy that I was like, I just was blown away by. This is literally two fucking sticks in here. Who were your heroes? Who did you get when you got into stand-up? You're like, if I met that guy, get the fuck out.

If that guy knew my name and said you're funny, that would fucking change the way. All right, I'll tell you this. As far as like, the top of the list was Pryor, and he was still around. And I remember my thing with him was all I wanted him to ever, I just wanted him to somehow poke his head in and just say funny stuff.

That's all I ever wanted out of people at that level. And to this day, to be honest with you, it's still the same thing. If I run into anybody that was famous comic before I, because I watched them all, so they all in a way made me want to do it. Everybody. Everybody that, every fucking,

everybody that I ever watched. Like, oh, Jesus Christ. Who was, okay, it was Cheech and Chong. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. George Carlin, Pryor, Kennison, Dice. Dice. I met Dice the other day.

Dude, I was a huge Sandra Bernhardt fan. Can I tell you? Dude, she had a bit one time. I was watching with my mother, and we were watching, and she's going, look at you. I like you, huh? She goes, part of me wants to fuck you, and the other half of me wants to slap that beard

right off your fucking face. And the way she said it, my mother, I never saw her laugh like that. Really? I'm fucking up what she did, but that was the punch. The other part of me wants to slap that fucking beard right off your face, and my mother just fucking howled. That was a big thing, too remember seeing jerry lewis uh me and my dad one night late night

sorry they're doing this whole fucking thing on jerry lewis and they were doing this thing where right after him and dean went their separate ways he got the jerry lewis show and it was old school like a big band playing ladies and gentlemen the jerry lewis show and you know, like when they got the runway for you to walk on? Remember that cool thing when you stood to the front? You stood at the front

of the runway and they bring it through the curtains and you were riding it out to the front? Yep, yep. And he was standing there. And the way they shot it,

you could see the backs of people's heads in like this supper club. And he came to ridiculously shiny fucking, like, curtains. The whole thing was so fucking big. And he came out at the backs of people's heads in like this supper club and he came to ridiculously shiny fucking like the whole thing was so fucking big and he came out at the front of that and he was standing there with this fucking look of arrogance that i immediately felt nervous for him going how the fuck is he gonna follow that and the fucking runway went all the way out and it meets the crowd and it keeps going and he goes into the tables and does this whole fucking pratfall and looks like the biggest check-ass ever.

Dude, me and my dad, we were half asleep, watched it, fucking screaming, laughing. This guy, we were both ready to go to bed, and at 1.30 in the fucking morning, we're sitting in a living room, half asleep, on the fucking sat- up, fucking howled laughing and then just cried laughing watching the entire Restless Special on the fucking guy.

And the greatest thing ever was my mother was there and she can't stand Jerry Lewis. She thought he was too silly. And the more she hated it, the harder we laughed. And it was, I just remember, I don't know, this was before I ever even did comedy. Or maybe I just started. And I just remember looking at them and just,

we were seeing my dad laughing and just being like, this is what it's all about, is making somebody do that. And when I did my abortion bit at the Village Underground, and I looked over and I saw this guy laughing the way my dad laughed. Yeah. He had his hand like this. He was laughing so hard it made me laugh. Yeah.

And I just remember i was on stage and consciously thought like this is why oh you're supposed to be doing it dude i told i texted you but like your paper tiger comes out i'm in pebble beach with my dad we're playing golf we get done tonight you get your special i put it up on the on the on the computer uh-huh on netflix and i hit it my dad is looking over my shoulder and I go, Hey, well, I'm going to open a bottle of wine. Why don't you sit down and watch this and sits down at it. And I go back, I open the bottle of wine and my dad's like this going, Oh, like dying. And he goes, who is this guy? And I go, Oh, he's a friend of mine. He goes, you know him, you know him. And I go, yeah.

My dad crying, laughing, going, this is, this But to think that my dad, who does not find me absolutely hilarious, finds my friends hilarious. That always happens. It's like a good connecto where you go like, maybe if I wasn't his son, he'd fucking think I was funny. You know what I mean? It was fucking great. A long time ago, I was working the Funny Bone in South Bend, Indiana.

My grandmother came out to the show, and Greg Hahn was fucking the middle. Oh, my God. Did he? One of the hardest guys. Murders. Murders. And the whole weekend, she was going, you were so funny. But that guy in the middle.

And I couldn't even get mad. I was just like, yeah, you should try going on after the guy i mean he was just fucking it was just he just went up there and was just a he's just a force of nature and i just remember like you just it's one of those things like why isn't this guy having his own weekend what the fuck is he doing here yeah fuck. Fuck. What, I got six shows? Oh. Dude, I woke up after. I stopped watching them.

Because the only way I could just fucking, just be able to go up and do my shit, and I would just hear these, rah, ah, the crowd laugh, and it sounded like a fucking murder was happening. I saw him on my show one time, I said, hey Greg, why don't you come do a guest set? And he was like, ah, I'm on a date.

I was like, Greg, you're so funny. He went on for five minutes, destroyed, I couldn't't you come to a guest set? And he was like, I'm on a date. I was like, Greg, you're so funny. He went on for five minutes destroyed, I couldn't follow him. And then he comes off and he's soaking wet, he's got his beard

on his shirt and he's like, I'm on a date. I just threw it back into the audience with this chick. Dude, I told you,

we were talking about this before and I won't say anything about this but I'll just say roughly. I get done my special, I get a text from Binder and you Binder saying, should you check this out? And I read it and I go- How great a guy is he?

He's the one who directed my special. He's the greatest, dude. He's the greatest. So I'm done my special. I get a weird depression after I shoot a special where I go, I worked so hard for this one weekend. Did I do everything I could have done? You know, in your head. You can't do that. And I'm laying in bed.

I'm checking my phone. I'm up early. And I see Binder's thing. And I hit the video of that guy saying nice things about me. And I'm not expecting it at all. I don't think that's what it's going to be. David Letterman. Is Letterman saying nice things about my stand-up? First thing I did is I forwarded it to my dad. My dad calls me three minutes later. He goes, hold on one second. Is that real? I go, yeah.

And he goes, oh, buddy, buddy. I mean, hold on. Hold on. I got to watch it again with you. I got to watch it again. Hey, stay on the phone. I'm going to watch it. Can I watch it on my phone?

I go, dad, just put it on your computer. Call me back. He calls back. He goes, I've already watched it six more times. I can't believe he said that. I love that he didn't want to like it and you got him. That's the best thing ever.

It's the thing where I go, I'll play that at my funeral and I'm done. I'm done. You can hang your head on that one, man. It's the best comment I've ever gotten. That's the greatest thing about guys like that. But what also makes them so intimidating is because they don't suffer fools. So it's just like if that guy says, I like your shit, it's fucking legit.

That's the king, man. Dude, it was the greatest. It was like the greatest thing that I had ever, where I go, thank God the world, the universe connected to give me that one moment. I watched him as a kid. I would, I remember when he did the fucking Velcro wall. I remember where I was. I remember, I remember sitting up in my bed.

It just changed your brain the way that you saw funny as you're like, what's he doing? What's he doing? And then jumps. And when it stops, when he just just stops i was laughing so hard my dad said he goes buddy i came in your room when you were laughing as a kid at him on a velcro wall and i was yelling at you and they played it in replay in slow motion and he stopped and he goes i remember laughing with you at this guy and he thinks you're funny he thinks you're funny he's like who else has seen this i go dad everyone i fucking know kid for laughing i was fucking two in the morning and i'm howling stop that joy in there

that was the greatest fucking that was the greatest thing that ever happened probably my career like that and doing his show i did his show one time and paneled and i made him giggle on on the show you did panel and paneled wow panel It's so weird, Bill, because you go out and you've seen it so many times that you know what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to wave to the audience, but you're not famous. So you're like, who am I waving to technically? You're supposed to wave to him. You walked out, you had to give him a nod.

I gave him a nod. I waved to the audience. I waved to Paul. And then I go, it's Paul fucking Schaefer. Like, what the fuck? They're playing music for me. I sit down. And I go, it's Paul fucking Schaefer.

Like, what the fuck? They're playing music for me. I sit down. And I forget what I did, but I giggled. And he gave me the Letterman look of like, we got a hot one on our hands type thing. And I saw the look I'd seen so many times. And I started laughing uncontrollably. And we were supposed to do two minutes.

Two minutes, maybe three if he likes you. We did seven minutes. I walked off and I was like, I was like, dude. No, but he always loved guys. He loved Farley. He likes fun guys who are going to bring it. And I thought he was really generous with people like that. I think so. I watched those like probably like nine times a year. I'll just Google Farley on letterman just to watch how hard the hardest i ever saw letterman laugh was when he interviewed farley and he was telling some story he was telling all these crazy stories and letterman was dying laughing about being a kid and he goes so then you go to college what happened at college and he did that farley

thing where he gets all small but he's this big guy? He goes, well, Dave, the trouble continued. And Dave literally just went down on the desk, you know, and I remember sitting there going like, I want to go on that show someday and make Letterman laugh like that.

That would be the greatest thing ever. I got fired from Tribal Channel that week. You know who I think is the next guy that Thomas was passed to was Conan. Conan and Andy, they're such old school guys think is is the next guy they the baton was passed to was conan like conan and andy like

they're such old school guys kimmel's like that too where it's just like if if you're bombing they help you if you're going they just laugh conan they they get they get they get they get it if the guest is killing the the show's killing. Yeah. They're the best. You on Conan, there was like a two-year period where I felt like you were doing your Netflix specials on Conan. Where you were doing legit, great. I remember you telling the fucking Lord of the Rings kid about how to buy a gun.

Do you remember that? Yeah. And I remember fucking, I remember just going like, I remember watching that and going, please tell me there's more of this. And then finding like

three more and going, oh. I mean, I honestly, I'm not, the reason I do Conan today, I'll do it as much as they'll let me,

is because of the way you and him would laugh on that show. I remember you, one time you going, I can't tell you how much of that is them though it's a hundred percent it's going once you go on kona is there and he's listening and he's dialed in and they're both willing to play and you can say whatever you want and they fucking they go with you no and they what they also do is they figure you out yeah they figure out your style and then they adjust their shit to you.

There's a, there's not a lot of people. No, that's like, I feel something that is gone away where it's like, there was that time where they would just, there was a period where you just laughed at anything anybody said. And then there became the whole,

now I have to go at you. Yeah. And, and I got to try to knock you down like those fucking and it's just like okay now we're both stuck in the mud now now we're both bombing like where does this get us if you if you're supposed to be out here trying to help like you know active listening and blah blah blah and it's like it's kind of becoming like a lost art i think where it's like, I just think because there's so much shit out there

that taking somebody down and it going bad gets more hits sometimes. I don't know. I don't understand the philosophy of it, but I've done interviews. Not going to say who.

Well, you're just kind of sitting there going like, did you not want me on this show? Because, like, I flew a long fucking way here. I know who that is. And I'm trying to,

I'm trying to, like, I saw that one. Bring bring it i don't know what you're doing here so i think it goes back to like what we're saying about like in a weird way you get more traction off of negativity of like of like going did you see that bill burr interview how come it didn't go the way i wanted it to and you're like it did or even when it goes well they fucking try to edit it to make it like it didn't. And it becomes their perception of it, the way they edit it. It gets more traction, I think. Yeah. That's what I just said.

Why are you saying what I just said like you thought of it? It's like, yeah. It's like, yeah, it gets more traction. That's very astute. I don't know how you came to that realization. Was it after I said it? You fucking. That's very astute.

I don't know how you came to that realization. Was it after I said it? You fucking... What's that? Hey, what else do that I think that you think? By the way, would you be okay with me taking your old hours and performing them on stage? Yeah. I always want to know.

My jokes would work shirtless. I'm just too pasty. I would love to franchise out the machine story to comics. You've got to be careful. Why? Gallagher did that with his brother. Yeah. Gallagher did that with his brother.

He was sick of doing the road, so he goes, all right, you go out and you go do it. Yeah, and then his brother took his career and was like, I'm not Gallagher. No, no. He got addicted to the laughter. So he said, all right, I'm doing my act now. You got to stop doing it. He goes, no, people are coming to see me. He goes, you're doing my shit.

It's really sad because it kind of seemed like it wrecked their relationship for a minute. But I remember what was fucked up was when Gallagher 2, it was his brother, they weren't telling the crowd. And he sort of looked like him. And he'd go out there, hey, hey, hey. And then there'd be whispers, like, this isn't Gallagher.

He cut his hair. Yeah. Yeah. His voice sounds weird. Is he sick? He was huge for me. Gallagher was huge. He went to Plant High School in Tampa.

I said... Patrice has the greatest fucking interview with him. When he's on Opie and Anthony and he broke it down. He goes, dude, you have like Carlin level shit, which he did. He 100% did. And then he goes, you have to make a decision if you're going to be this sledgehammer guy. Oh, fuck. I feel like you're talking to me to make a decision if you're going to be this sledgehammer guy.

Oh, fuck. I feel like you're talking to me right now. Or if you're going to be this other guy. But it actually was really an interesting conversation that they had. Gallagher was legit. So was Howie Mandel. People didn't understand the fucking sledgehammer bit.

They still don't get it. He was making fun of the stupid shit that they sell. And he was mocking it. Yeah. shit that they sell and he was he was he was he was mocking it yeah but it was just such a killer bit can you imagine going to your show and everyone's in rain parkas in the front row waiting for you to break the fucking thing you ever work a club after he worked it and there'd be food and shit all on the fucking they could never clean the club they'd be like cottage cheese in the fucking corner going bad oh we're running out of shit this first time we've ever starting to run out of shit and the fucking cigar is still going no we're not even

close to running out of shit i could there's a million fucking questions i feel like i feel like uh i feel like on this podcast i could sit and do this for another three hours. It doesn't seem like work. Let's hope the listeners feel the same way. Could you cut these down to eight minutes? How long have you been doing the Monday Morning Podcast now? 2007. What's the oldest podcast? August 2007.

So 12 years. Yeah, I started in June. I thought it was in June. I don't know. I know it was the summertime. I fell into it accidentally. Because of that phone number you'd call in? No, Bobby Kelly was my neighbor in New York.

He's like, dude, you got to do a podcast, dude. It's a new way to connect with your fans, dude. So I would just post them on MySpace. You called in to... That's what I said, yeah. I just said that. Were you just taking the stuff I was saying

and put your name on it? No, no, no, no. I'm saying how I started. I know how you started, Bill. I owned you once. I listened to the fucking Monday Morning Podcast when you called on MySpace.

There was a phone number that you called in. May 1st, 2007. I listened to Bobby have one with Colin Quinn where they'd call in and you had one where you'd just rant. And listened to Bobby have one with Colin Quinn where they'd call in, and you had one where you'd just rant. Bobby and Colin are great together.

Bobby's good with a lot of people, though. Yeah. Bobby is, Bobby, I would say, One of the most fun fucking guys. has not gotten his due. He's so fucking funny. No, he's right there. I think he's gotten funnier.

He's right there. No, the best thing that ever happened to him was when he hurt his knee. I thought you said the same. when he hurt his knee i thought you said they say when he hurt his knee yeah when he hurt his knee and then he couldn't move around and then he fucking had to just stand there and do his shit yeah and then he already had this whole giant thing that he could do prowl the fucking stage and do the bobby kelly thing then he learned how to just stand there and now you watch him he's combined both he's a fuck he was already a fucking beast i would tell you a time he fucked me over oh my god it's such a fucking hilarious thing he

was doing a pilot down in san diego he had this stupid cop mustache that he fucking grew for this thing you know like most pilots i don't think it got it didn't get picked up. Right. So he goes, he's like, dude, I know you're doing a show down in San Diego. He goes, can I jump on it? Maybe do like five minutes. I go, fine, no problem, whatever. And I go down and it turned out I was, I was really sick and I lost my voice. Okay. And we go down. Oh, he didn't ask me to go on yet. So I went down there and he was just going to be down there. He goes, dude, you know, if Cass is here, dude, is it okay if I just go out and do like five minutes, dude? Would that be cool? I'm like, Bobby, my voice is fucking, just don't do all your A-level shit. I could barely even talk. He goes, no problem, dude.

No problem. Goes up there, fucking guns a-blazing. Does his fucking closing 15. Murders the fucking place. I was so fucking mad at him. I got up there with laryngitis and just shit on his fucking insecurity that he had to, that he chose these fucking actor cunts over his fucking 15 or whatever, 12 year friendship with me at that point. And he was dying laughing,

dude, crickets. Nobody even knew. Nobody knew who he was, who I was. And I was in this bar yelling at Bobby for fucking 10 minutes. And he was in the back dying laughing. And in the end, what does he do?

I'm sorry, dude. And then you love him again. Dude, I had to bring out the guns, dude. They had to see what I could do, dude. So Bobby, so you ready for my favorite Bobby Kelly story? Bobby Kelly and I are on a road trip with Matt Frost. I didn't know there was such a thing. It's just Bobby's stories.

They're all great. Matt Frost and Vincent Nastry. We're all in a Winnebago. Oh my God, Vincent, yeah. And we go to Lake Powell and I rent a boat, right? I rent a boat. I get a tube. I get a wakeboard.

I go, we're going to go tubing. We're going to wakeboard. Now Bobby grew up in Boston. Not a big boat activity kind of kid, right? Smash cut. He's fly fishing in the middle of fucking Winnipeg. Dude, first one

on the tube. I'll call first one. I'm like, alright, I'll drive you. And he goes, alright. So he gets on, right? He's got his bandana on. Please tell me you've got fucking video. So he gets on his thing, on the tube. And I grew up in Florida, so I take him on the boat and I start spinning him and slow rolling him and I'm like back and forth over the wake and you can hear him back, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And I slow roll him and he falls off and wipes out. We all laugh. I pull back and Bobby is fucking chest high water and he's fucking fuming. He goes, fucking not cool, not cool. Get me in the boat, I'm going to kick your ass. And I start circling him, I go, I'm not letting you in the boat. And he goes, get me in the boat me the boat i'm gonna kick your ass and i start circling i go i'm not letting you in the boat and he goes get me in the boat i'm gonna kick your fucking ass i go i'm not letting you in the boat emotion and he has no negotiation level at all or else what i'm laughing so hard he goes you you busted me on purpose i go bobby that's tubing

that's how you go too big and he goes no it's not no it's not bro bro you take me on a fucking ride i go bobby listen i go i've grown up tubing you you're supposed to get the person to wipe out he That's how you go tubing. And he goes, no, it's not. No, it's not, bro. Bro, you take me on a fucking ride. I go, Bobby, listen. I go, I've grown up tubing. You're supposed to get the person to wipe out. He goes, no, no, no, no. It's about the scenery. It's about looking around and seeing the scenery. And I go, all right, Bobby, I swear to God,

I'll put you on the tube one more time. I'm going to take you straight. I won't bust you. But in a matter of minutes, you're going to ask me to bust you. He goes, no, I won't. No, I won't. So I get on the tube. He goes, you promise you won't bust me?

I go, I promise. So he gets on the tube. And we get you promise you won't bust me? I go, I promise. So he gets on the tube. And we get on. Why would he believe a comedian in a boat is not going to flip him off a fucking inner tube? Bill, Bill, I took him dead straight at like 20 miles an hour for like five minutes. Five minutes. He's just sitting on the back of a tube like a fucking child going like, fucking spin me. So I fucking whip him off.

He goes, I was wrong. You were right. It's about getting the bust. OK I fucking whip him off. He goes, I was wrong. You were right. It's about getting the bus. Okay, get me back on. Him in the water. Let me in the boat. I'm going to kick your ass. And I'm like, no.

And I'm just circling him. No, get me in the boat. Someone take the bus. Get me in the boat. I'm going to kick his ass. Dude, Bobby actually taught me how when a fight was over, it was over.

Because he does that. Yeah. I'm sorry, dude. And I just started doing that a fight was over, it was over. Because he does that. I'm sorry, dude. And I just started doing that. I was like, you know, he's kind of right. This is how you do it. Dude, I have a million of them. You know, he was such a fucking street kid pack rat. He found this fucking Stairmaster on the fucking sidewalks in New York City.

We were living on 97th Street. This thing was like the prototype. I remember when skateboards were like so skinny, like your feet hung out, like those fucking pedals, like half his foot's hanging on the other side. And he's fucking, wait, and it needed like fucking like all the oil in fucking Saudi Arabia to make it not squeak.

And he's in the corner of this fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just fucking making fun of him. So I had an audition. This is when we were fucking making fun of him. So I had an audition. This is when we're living in a walkthrough. I had an audition for fucking Conan O'Brien. And when he was in New York. And I'm fucking putting on my electric blue button-up.

Remember with the black slacks that everybody dressed like an agent for half a second in this business? Yeah. So it was that time. So I'm fucking putting that on. Took a shower. And, dude, he is in that far corner of the fucking you know not far corner it's a new york city apartment right so he's fucking like right there it was like the greatest trick shot ever i fucking i'm walking out like he can't even

see me i'm coming out of this fucking bathroom door i opened the door and he took one of those fucking racquetballs the blue ones he fired his. It was like a bank shot. Threw it off the wall. It ricocheted. Hit me right in the fucking mouth. Split my lip. And split my lip. I'm like, you fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking go to the corner! He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Doing that shit. I walked out in my electric blue shirt with a fucking napkin. Cursing him all the way down to fucking stand up to uh the comic strip and i go down and who's fucking in the fucking lobby when i walk i'm in the fucking area they're walking fucking patrice o'neill he's got bill got mugged it's fucking shit right giving me shit and then i tell the story like he's going to have sympathy for me. He's like,

dying laughing at me. And I went up and I fucking bombed. I didn't bomb. I just didn't get it. I was just, all I could think about was my lip.

They probably couldn't even see it. Bill got mugged. I think that's a great way to end the podcast. I do. I can't finish this. I can't.

My throat hurts. I'm done. My eyes are burning. Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. This is another great episode, man. It was. I can't finish this. I can't. My throat hurts. My eyes are burning. Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. It was another great episode, man. It was. I can't even. This can be like a dream the next day. I'd be like, does this even fucking happen? All right. Thank you for watching the January episode of the Bill. Burt. Pod. Cast. Hey, guys, if you have any notes about another location you'd like to see us shoot this at, leave them in the comments. I would love to hear your opinions of this current set we have.

We spent a lot of money on it. These are the Rose Bowl chairs. Yeah, are they really? I've passed out in both of these probably 15 fucking times. Back in my drinking days. All right, thank you guys for watching. We'll see you again next month. See you next month.