The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 30

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

Bill and Bert ramble about colonoscopies, impossible situations, and a call from Bret Ernst.

This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer. It is unquestionably good, and I'm going to go downstairs and have one right now. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's time for... I looked at the wrong place. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's time for another episode of the Bill... Bert.

Pod. Past. I might start drinking, Bill. I might start drinking. I'm back on the hooch. Hey, what about, I got my light, I got the whole thing, I'm using my wife's setup here. You look good. Are you still at your friend's house?

Uh, no. Okay. I'm gone. I'm back. I'm done. Nice, nice. You, uh, first off, that fucking Toby Nguigwe. Nguigwe. Nguigwe. Nguigwe.

Whatever. Nguigwe. There we go. There we go. He is fucking awesome, dude. You should see it live. You should see it live. I'm in Houston.

Hold on. I'm in Houston. I'm putting this out there because you know he put a clip of us talking about him on his Instagram stories so I'm on set and someone comes dude comes up to me this guy comes up to me he goes

yo man you and Bill fuck with Toby and I was like what and he was like you and Bill fuck with Toby and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about and he's like Toby Ngigwe or whatever and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about and he's like Toby Ngigwe or whatever and I went I went oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah Bill talked about him and he's like man he is awesome he goes he put your clip on his Instagram and I went oh for real so I find

him I go to his clip and then I just start scrolling you know I haven't listened to his music since you said it I haven't done any of that i'm scrolling and i hear this song eat with his wife fat his wife's name's fat right and i think i'm by the way i am internet smart about this i just watched a little a few videos okay so i just did a gig with him that's that's what it's funny to me is this 52-year-old guy, all of a sudden, I know the next dude coming up in, is it hip-hop or rap? I don't know. I'm so white, I have no idea. Dude, I just downloaded the car's greatest hits. That's where I'm at.

So I'm in Houston October 16th. I'm going to invite him and his wife to come see my show. Dude, I am obsessed. This song, Eat, that he does with his wife is so badass i'm sitting on set i can't stop listening to it it is all his i bought everything he has on itunes i bought it all i bought it all and i'm listening to that specifically bill i walked up to snoop dog i had that eat on i go hey man I know this happens to you all the time. I got to fucking do this.

Have you seen this? And he goes, oh. He looks at me and goes, that dude's dope as fuck. And I was like, yes. I go, Bill Burr. I go, Bill Burr turned me on to him. And Snoop's like, Bill Burr turned you on to him? No, no, no.

Dave Chappelle. It was Dave Chappelle. We were just doing a gig. Don't set me up like that, no. Dave Chappelle. It was Dave Chappelle. We were just doing a gig. Don't set me up like that, man. I'm still listening to Biggie. I don't know anything that's going on. So then I'm with Snoop, right? And I'm like, oh, man.

I go, you got to go to Chappelle's summer camp. Snoop's like, what is it? And I go, dude, Bill went out there. It's fucking amazing. I go, Snoop. So now me and Snoop are in a trailer with Cody Rhodes, right? We're all sitting in a trailer.

Snoop's smoking a blunt. We're drinking a little bit of wine. And I fucking FaceTime Donnell, right? Donnell's like... Who's living their best life during COVID? No shit, right? So I FaceTime Donnell and I'm like, yo, Donnell, take a look at this and i flip my phone

around and it's snoop right you know donnell is never someone that just just has a mild reaction to anything donnell goes fucking crazy and he's like yo chapelle flips the phone around to chapelle now the phone's back on me right chapelle's looking at me never met me in his life and he's like who the fuck is this and i'm like oh i literally i'm like hi dave it's burt kreiser i think i know what you want to see flip it to snoop snoop sees it and is like what's up dave dave's like dude it was all based off toby no wigway because i now you got me forgetting how to say his name i'm gonna fucking say name it it's in wigway in a wigway in in wig in wigway no no wigway i i can't remember anyway toby and so and so then you know snoop's like

uh chapelle's like so many celebrities in this bird you've lost me he's like are you at the playboy mansion 30 years ago what is going on? You guys all in a pool with fucking towels on? They're talking about Snoop coming out and hanging out and shooting shit. And Snoop's like, man, I'd like that. And Dave's like, you got to do it.

And you know me, I'm in the background, Bill, on this FaceTime going, hey, are we all invited? Are we all invited? I want to come. I want to come. Why do you do that, Bert?

I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. But I got to say, man. There's any celebrity shit going on. This is Bert. Hey, I just want to say, if we could just do this really quick, I'm a big fan of yours. Bill, you have that so accurate.

I know, because I watched you do it with sandler man i was like cringing for you bill take a look at this picture chapelle and donnell and then look at me behind snoop oh jesus you know we need to do with you bert you? You got to work on your fucking swagger. I have none, Bill. You have to learn to let shit come to you. You're like a, what is it, a baby possum just clinging to the fucking thing walking down the street. You're in this business.

You're selling tickets. You're a fun guy. People love you. Just relax. what are you doing right now just have your arm like that that's great energy whatever you want to come to you it's going to come to you if it doesn't who gives a fuck oh it was so you're like you what are you 53 years old you're still sticking your head into a goddamn selfie what's wrong with you mid 40s mid 40s i know i'm a fucker with the um it was so great but man i i'll tell you you you you turning me on to that guy has made this quarantine this bubble

that i'm living in so fucking enjoyable because i love that dude's music i'm listening about that giant vibrator you appear to be talking into what in in the, what in the, that's from NASA. That's my snowball. It's my mic. Oh, I knew it was a microphone. I didn't think it was actually a vibrator. But yeah, that, it was a great man. That guy's music's badass. I'm glad you fucking. Dude, I, I, Dave Chappelle turned you on to that. I didn't know any, I just, I went to go. Dave Chappelle turned you on to that. I didn't know any. I just,

I went to that thing. There was all this cool stuff going on that I got dropped into. And because I was there, that is so funny that Snoop thinks that like, I'm this fuck, like not only like know who everybody is out there in hip hop, that I am on like the cutting edge now i just you know i i don't know he he said he he said about you he goes he goes oh i love bill he

goes man me and bill hung out and we knew the wrangler jeans commercial i was like what i know that blew my mind i did a podcast with him and we started singing it. It turns out we watched the exact same TV. The deeper cut than that was Run, Joey, Run, which was a dog. It's about a straight German shepherd. And I don't know, the dog catcher. Somebody was always trying. It was like the Hulk, except it was a German shepherd.

Like every fucking episode he had to leave town. And I swear to God, like the theme song except it was a german shepherd like every fucking episode he had to leave town and i swear to god like the theme song was just like run joey run joey run joey run joey i love dogs i used to watch it and he's the only other person that i ever met that watched it remembered it could sing it is that he you know he does a podcast obviously in uh um one of those episodes that that was it yeah you know what's interesting is um i i you know i i don't think i have very much diversity in my life growing up but when you start to hang you're going deep now burke all of a sudden i feel like i'm on an award show. You're going to apologize for not having more people of color on your podcast? Did I just lose my spot here? No.

You know, redheads are an unrecognized minority. If I could just argue for my position here on this podcast. What's interesting. Stop smoking blunts with rappers. I want to keep doing this with you. I want to keep doing this with you. What's interesting is you forget how many shared experiences. No wig way.

What is it? No wig way. Tell me no wig way. No wig. No wig. You got me all fucked up now. All right, go ahead. You forget how many shared experiences we had when we were kids. you you know what's cool about being us being our age is that we all only had three

examinations no we only had three channels so all our shared experiences were fucking similar everyone was very very familiar with howard can't put a camera up your ass. What's that? You can't do that in your 20s if you go to the doctor and say, hey, can you shove a camera up my ass and look around in your 20s? You're some sort of weirdo. But in your 40s and 50s, it's just considered maintenance. Yeah. Wait, have you had that done yet?

Yeah. Colonoscopy. I haven't had it done yet. You get it done when you're 50? When did I do it? Yeah, Ioscopy. I haven't had it done yet. You get it done when you're 50? When did I do it? Yeah, I think 50. Well, they changed the game. They said they used to be 50.

Then they said 45. And now they're saying like 40 or whatever. That kid from Black Panther just passed away from that. Dude. Yeah, dude. You got to have the Jacques Cousteau crew go up the ole hole. I haven't had that done.

It's an easy procedure. Really? They just drug you and you go like this and it feels like two seconds later like, oh, we didn't find anything. You were sound asleep? Yes.

Jesus Christ. You think they're like just snaking this thing up me? Because I'm like, ah! How many more feet? Dude, if that was the deal, I never would have gone. I would have said, fuck it, man. I'm going to roll the dice. You're awake, man.

Oh, God! No! No! There's too many guys in here. There's too many guys. I need more nurses. Who's putting their fingers in my mouth? Stop it!

Stop it! You know what? You know what's funny is there's going to be, by the kids in their 20s, by the time they get to their 50s, there's going to be a less evasive way to do that, I bet. Oh, I'm sure. And this is like, I got to tell you, it's as like, you know. The only thing worse than having to go down

and do that is dying of it. So, I mean, that's the game. So, yeah. God, that's funny. I didn't even think about it. Of course you'd be out for that. Who's going to be awake for that? That's hardcore. It takes like NHL playoffs when they'd stitch you up on the bench.

That's the, oh yeah, I had a whole camera crew go up my ass. Wait, were you sore the next day? They're trying to make sure you're okay. They're not trying to do damage. They weren't trying to beat it up there. You weren't walking around like you just got off a horse ride? You're like, God damn it. It was actually sort of terrifying.

That unless I knew what I was there for, I would have had no idea what happened. Really? Yeah. You probably do it. I mean, you got kids or whatever. But, you know, know whatever if you want to roll the dice no i gotta get it done i gotta get it i gotta get a whole full checkup i gotta get

the uh i'm going back to get another ct scan it's been like five years since i got my last ct scan oh yeah you just look for any aneurysms anything how long is the full body how long you in that thing for then you're radiating yourself. Yeah. That's the old weight to horsepower in racing. You put a bigger engine in, it's got more power, but now it weighs more. I do the whole CTE.

You can see if there's anything there. Now you don't see anything. Now I know. But then I just fucking radiated my whole body. I got to do that when I get back from this trip. And then, yeah. And then I,

I'm not looking for that. The only thing, the only saving grace about that. And that all that stuff gives me. The colonoscopy is the stuff you have to drink like 20 out 24 hours before. I just remember you were drinking this stuff that, it just doesn't taste good. It cleans you out, you know what I mean?

So then they can just go in and do what they have to do, and not try to weave around all the mistakes you made at the Waffle House, if you know what I mean. Yeah. The, when I got my- I'm getting my hat checked out in October. are you really yeah what are you getting i just had like i had a you know i've just had too many friends you know diet or whatever but um i fortunately you know i have good genes i think so and i i've eaten pretty well but you know i went

pretty hard with the booze and the sticks over the last 10 years. But now, now my biggest vice Bert is like once every four days, I'm up late with my wife and we're watching Cobra Kai, which is the greatest reboot of all fucking time. I absolutely, Oh my God. I cannot say enough good things about it. Really? It is fucking,

it is, dude, it is the shit. Really? It's fucking, it is, dude, it is the shit. Really? It's just, it's like, it's edgier. It makes fun of itself. It's making great points. It can be ridiculous.

It's just fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing. I cannot say enough good things about it. I mean, I just blew through the whole first season. We had to literally put a governor on it. I'm only watching two episodes at a time. It started off on YouTube. And I'm hearing this buzz going, no, dude, I'm telling you this thing is really good. And I'm like, I don't I go on YouTube to watch animals fight each other that's what I do watching this bobcat going after a fucking mink or some shit the other day for half a second I thought the mink was gonna fight him up um but anyway so I didn't watch it

but then it made the jump to like Netflix it's the number one streaming show right now in the United States on Netflix. And I guess it's going to go to season three, I think. Let me see here. I just saw that it was trending number one on Netflix the other day. Dude, it's... It's...

I can't... William Zabka, who always played the bad guy, screw you, Mellon. He's, he's like my favorite character on TV right now. First of all, he fucking says everything, other than his, his feelings about immigrants. I don't give a shit about immigrants. But other than that, he just talks how everybody talked when I was growing up. Don't go a dick or everyone's gonna think you're

a pussy like he just fucking talks like that and i i just find myself watching his character going yes yes is brett ernst in that yeah yeah oh dude he's great brett ernst is great in that yeah he's fucking really really funny and a really like natural actor. And I was very excited. And like, it's just one of those things like, you know, when your buddy's in something and you see him standing next to, you know, Ralph Macchio, like doing a scene. And I'm just like, I just got so excited.

Like, I can't believe you know brett's in this scene with with ralph macho i don't know it's i don't want to ruin it for anybody but it's it's like uh i don't know when you can talk about it that's what sucks about streaming now it's just like when can you fucking talk you just watch it so i have somebody to talk about it with so wait i've just texted Brett. I was like, dude, fucking congrats.

You zoom. Hey, what was, uh, what was, so what's the premise of the show? I saw the beginning. I saw it on YouTube.

It's so fucking great. I'm not going to, I don't want to ruin it. Really? I don't want to ruin it. If you have him come on, like all these people who haven't watched it, we're going to fucking ruin it for him.

But it's like, dude, it's the best reboot I've seen where you know just the way just how they did it it's where those two guys are in their lives now all right hey send brett a link i want to uh hang on can you send me a link and i'll hang on i'll just send brett this link correct all right what are we going to talk to him? We're going to talk to him about this great show that nobody can talk about? No, he wouldn't.

Dude, let me tell you something, Bill. Copy. We're going to have him hop on for a couple seconds. You need to have faith in your own celebrity. Look at you. You're fucking texting Chappelle. You're hanging with Snoop. Now you're calling Brett Ernst.

I mean, aren't I enough? You are enough, Bill. I don't feel I am. You're more than enough. I just got done reading this book, this self-help book called I Am Enough. And now you're undoing everything that I just read. I have my hand in my chest showing that you're getting into my feelings. I saw Cobra Kai on YouTube youtube this is how shallow i am and

i assumed since it's on youtube it must not have a big but it must everyone must have passed on i thought that's what i thought and apologies to youtube i could not have been more wrong this is a first class fucking show The writing on it is incredible. Yeah, and then I kind of saw it, and I overlooked it. And then, you know, Brett moved to Cleveland. Like, he moved out of L.A., and I was like, how great is it to get out of fucking L.A. and then get a hit show? It's even better when somebody doesn't say where you moved on a podcast

you know me and paul verzi have this fucking shit brad ernst brad earns hey brett you know verzi right yeah of course all right me and verzi have this running fucking joke uh when we see somebody with a big mouth and we go, how long would this guy last in the mob? All right? I don't know how well you know Bert Kreischer, but how long would Bert, if you gave him any sort of pertinent information,

how long would this man last in the mob before he got whacked? All right, here's the thing. I don't think he would rat. I give up pertinent information, but I do think that there would be enough signs to where he would get clipped anyways, just out of fear.

That make any sense? Just as a safety precaution. Well, listen, I did a total sidetrack there. I was just telling Bert how fucking, I just finished season one of Cobra Kai, and I just cannot say enough good things about it. It was such a great show. Me and my wife

had to limit ourselves to two episodes a night so we could make it last. I know this is season three. When is season three? Are you allowed to say? You know, dude, I heard rumors that it's going to be in November, but, you know, who knows, man?

You never know with this stuff, you know, the way they're put. But I know it's shotting in the can, that's for sure. Oh, that's amazing. Brett, we didn't want to hold you up, man. It looks like you're busy. Are you moving right now? Yeah, it's actually just – I just got in my place in Vegas. I just picked out tile and paint and stuff, you know.

Oh, nice. Just my bed, by the way. You can see it. That is a Vegas mattress if I ever saw one. Was it a guy dressed up like Elvis who sold you that? It's a pool float, man. And I couldn't find a blow-up mattress. I got it last night, but I'm coming back to Florida on Saturday.

But anyways, it's all good, man. We wanted you to hop on for a second because Bill was saying this literally is his favorite show he's ever seen. I want to – No, no, no, my favorite show right now, not ever seen. Okay. Okay, that would be Peter Gunn way back in 1960s. Happy days when Fonzie still had the barracuda.

Sorry. When Richie had an older brother? Yeah. You got the basketball scholarship, and then they disowned him. You never saw him again. I think it was George Mikem. So, Brett, how did this work? It was on YouTube originals at first.

Right. And then did it get good downloads on YouTube? Yeah, man. You know, it was, I don't want to say underground, but it was like one of the top rated shows of the year. It was like two years ago. I mean, people who watched it loved it. It was just, you know, it didn't get that mainstream burn,

but we had like a nice little underground following. And basically from what I heard, there was a little bit of a bidding war, but I think YouTube had promised to do a whole season. And, you know, they didn't really put a marketing machine behind it, but it was still, you know, people still knew about it. They lost, man.

They screwed up because everybody I know who's watching it, it's just like this happy surprise. And I think even if you didn't, you know, you're not my age and you didn't grow up watching The Karate Kid, they do enough flashbacks. You know what's going on. It's just, I mean, it does help to obviously know the story, but I don't know.

I'm so afraid to talk about it because I was so, I just loved all the choices they made with the characters and everything. I love that you were in it and everything. I just don't want to ruin it for anybody, but, you know, ringing, ringing endorsement for this show, Cobra Kai. Yeah, I signed an NDA, so i can't really tell any spoilers tell me how to pronounce william's last name i kill everybody at the end of season three so how do you pronounce william's last name zelka no zapka zapka dabka i'm the fucking worst

dude that guy's comedic timing well you know he's like a comedian just walking around shitting on a crowd he's unbelievably funny and i'm not just saying this because you know i work with him and they're great guys i'm not just saying this and i gotta tell you it was a little surreal to uh like that first scene when we're in the car dealership and they're face to face that's like the first time they were ever face to face dude i was freaking out for you and and i was looking at dan who you know the the guy who plays uh anoush across from me because he's a comic as well and we're both i know dan and we're like what the fuck is going on here right like it was just surreal um but you know bill this is the two things that obviously younger people don't know but billy only did comedies i mean you know

he was always the bad guy in like back to school and then just one of the boys remember when the chick dressed up like a dude um but the the thing that was cool too like with ralph you know ralph has worked with some of the greatest movie directors from john adelson to Coppola. You know, there's so much history between the two of them. And it's, you know me, I like to talk. It's just amazing to hear the stories and, you know, how long and how much work they put in the business. You know what I mean? No, and I'm just so psyched because William Zabko used to always get like he but

as much as he would get the roles and you know him they never let him stretch out it was always screw you melon and and blah blah blah blah and just you know he got to do a lot in Karate Kid but like I just felt like when you see what this guy can do how underused he is I mean I already knew Ralph Macchio was great I I'm not trying to just make this, you know, all one guy. Like, I don't know, dude. Like, some of the shit he says, I mean, in the dojo, shitting on all those nerds. I mean, it was like

watching a comic just tearing through a crowd. Dude, I was saying, I find myself, half the shit he says, I'm just, I'm yelling yes at the TV. Dude, you know what else is crazy dude and again man you know me i'm not gonna say it if he's a bad motherfucker dude like you know he's a real black belt like that dude he's a tough kid man like he's a tough dude bro yeah no i i yeah i

didn't i you know when i watched his interview i kind of saw that I was like yeah this guy is and I like too he's still in great shape he still looks good you know for an old guy like me it's great to see it gives you hope

yeah like alright man if you keep fucking working out you can you can hold it together nah it was it was pretty cool man

you know what was really cool too is seeing John Kreese you know, because he was the helicopter pilot in Predator. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Now, is he – I'm the worst with names. Was he the Cobra Kai teacher? Yeah, Dojo. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to talk too much because I don't want to give away anything. He lives, John Kreese lives like three blocks from my house.

And one day I see him. Why are you always saying where people live on this? No one knows where I live. There's crazy people out there. And I saw him one day walking out of his front door and I lost my shit. I was riding my bike with my girls i was like oh shit oh shit this is this is like oh that's john crete and they're like who is that they go you have no oh my god oh i was like losing my shit do you know you know it's uh mostly comics

we always lose our like the i you know i'm we've all experienced seeing actors in Hollywood. The only time I've ever really marked out or, like, was seeing Rowdy Roddy Piper, you know? And I saw Kreese. I'm like, holy shit. You know, that's, that's, it's like people that most people wouldn't really give a shit about is the ones that, you know, like, that they, like, people always ask, do you see anybody like really famous you know when you get out of hollywood i'm like yeah dude i saw the pilot from uh from iron eagle you know that's always way better it's always way better than seeing the a-list guy is the guy that just you like uh-huh like i i don't know the actor's name but my favorite guy in goodfellas is the guy who owns the restaurant. When he goes in to Pauly and asks him to fucking, what's his face, whacked? Yeah.

I was just saying, you know, wouldn't be a bad idea. Yeah. Fucking, his performance in that. And then Johnny Roast Beef. It's in my mother's name. I'm sorry. The way he was doing that, he just looked like such. It's so funny to play that like dim-witted.

You got to be so smart to be able to do it, to fucking make it believable. I always love the smaller people in it. You know who I love? Did you ever see Out for Justice with Steven Seagal? I'm sure I did. When he played the cop in Brooklyn and they killed him. Anybody see Richie? Anybody know why he killed Bobby Lugo?

Yeah. Where he's in the pool hall, right? And he's beating the shit out of people with a pool ball. And then he leaves. And then the mob comes and the guy richie's brother has got a fucked up nose but he you know he's not talking and the mob guy goes hey rusty you know grab him and that guy rusty he's like come here you cocksucker motherfucker and he grabs him by the nose i fucking love that guy

and then i also love uh the old man in braveheart the one that you know the father yeah the one that fights everybody he pulls the fucking arrow out and the kids are afraid to uh like those are the characters i love in the movies how about that how about that irish actor that's got two slit he was in braveheart he's got two slices on his face yeah and he was anytime he shows up i'm like that's a bad bitch he's in sands of sons of anarchy too i saw him at uh happy endings hey how about how about the big chicken uh over the edge when she runs by with the globe and she yells at the cop eat it you stinking pig yeah you're stinking pig that's matt dylan a lot of people don't know about that movie.

Yeah, but, yeah, that's Matt Dillon movie, but, like, eating a stinking pig is one of my favorite. We gotta keep this movie PG. Because, of course, you'd be like, fuck you, you fucking cocksucker! But, eat it, you stinking pig! One of the great lines in cinema

history. That's a great call, man. That's a great movie, Over the Edge, when they take over the middle school. That's a great movie. That's a 70s drug movie. He's got the flag on the back of the fucking banana seat bike. Which is the coolest thing ever. That was like an Apollo 3 speed. You had the shifter in the middle.

I mean, those things were badass. I had a fucking beach rambler with white wall tires. It wasn't enough that I had orange hair. Just every day coming out just waiting to get a beating. Big Pee Wee Herman bike. It's for my paper route

because sometimes it snows. Fucking loser. Alright, as big a loser as I was, dude, this show is a winner. Look at that, Bert. That's called a fucking segue. Good job, Bill.

I'm getting uncomfortable watching you fucking with no furniture here and not looking comfortable doing a podcast. No, I'm fine, dude. Are you kidding me, man? I just, this takes time. Are you out of Cleveland now? Yeah, yeah, I'm out of Ohio.

I'm in, I was in Florida for a minute and then just bought a place here. That's awesome, yeah. I'm out of Ohio. I'm in... I was in Florida for a minute and then just bought a place here. That's nice, man. Good deal. Happy for you. Please come back on when season three comes out, all right? Yeah, absolutely. I don't know who you're looking at over there. Is there somebody fucking with you already over there? Come here,

you fucking... You know what, man? Dude, I can see it in the corner over here. Like somebody's walking by, but I'm still, I'm not used to being here. You know what I mean? So my own thing. Once you get used to the ceiling fan,

then you buy the block. Don't, don't do it the other way around. Actually, I'm just joking. Ralph Macchio. Hey, Ralph.

No, but guys, I appreciate you reaching out, out man I'm glad you like it and uh congratulations Brett that's awesome man thanks cuz I can't wait to watch it yeah and if anybody wants to follow me go to Brett comedy Brett with one t comedy.com and you can check it out is that okay if I put that that's it coming up you got any dates nah man I mean I know no nothing nothing on the books right now I just finished this weekend that was great nah man nah nah nah I can't allow drive-ins like you guys all right hey I'm doing drive-ins now I'm doing a cow pasture in Connecticut I'm not even lying. Can I open the door, man, please? I'll fucking be out there. Are you kidding me?

We'll put cows over in between sets. I'm hoping people on the East Coast have been wearing masks. By the East Coast, I mean the Northeast. They seem to be wearing it. The infection rate was down to less than 1% over the month in New York. It is what it is, so it is what it is. the infection rate was like down to like less than 1% over the month in New York. You know, it is what it is. So it is what it is.

I don't want to get into all of that shit, but if people could do that out there, hopefully they do it on the West coast. We can do something. Cause it's, there's no money out there, brother. All right.

Well, let's end up the pressing note. Yeah. Oh, it's good talking to you, brother. Enjoy your apartment all right guys i'll see you later all right take care the uh now we gotta wait for him to hang up jesus christ this is taking forever

you gotta have you you gotta have you you gotta the thing. You got to have his finger on the thing. That was hilarious. This podcast is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, one of my favorite, I mean, drinks to have across the board. I love it because they got three great new flavors available in the Remix VP starting this September. Bill, it lowers your blood pressure. Do you know what flavor that is?

No, cranberry. They got cranberry too. They got cranberry, pineapple, and also grapefruit. I love the taste of grapefruit. Dude, I love grapefruit. Grapefruit and booze. Of course, the second I quit booze, they make like adult slush puppies. You ever slush puppies?

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Let me just get that image out of my head first. They've got a little light on there. So inside a toilet is often very dark. So if you're trying to trim your balls in a toilet, it is dark. So it's a lot of guesswork. When you have that light, you can then highlight those hairs that need to be trimmed off. Bill, I figured out then why they have that light. It is genius.

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to plus 54 for a limited time only. Use promo code Bill Burt to double your deposit and grab a free entry into the biggest online handicapping super contest on the net. I cannot wait to gamble on football and watch every snap. Going right now to my bookie. So Bill, you're doing, you're telling me about the Connecticut show. Wait, that was a good call getting them on. That was a good call. Never listen to me, dude. I'm antisocial. I feel safe with you.

Yeah. Can I just tell you in you, in my opinion, I know you're going to roll your eyes at this. I love seeing a guy like Brett have big success like that, be on the number one show on Netflix, because me and him have been struggling in this business for so fucking long. It makes me happy.

And you know what? I know that you're- Please don't make Brett's success about yourself. What? Please don't make it about yourself. Please try to keep this on Brett. I'm not. But what-

Don't lean in. Don't lean into his success. What is great about me and him, Bill? No, but it's cool- Because what Brett and I have gone through it's been so hard it's cool when you know that people that you respect are enjoying the thing you're in and so like for him it's like good to share that that you are obsessed with his show that motherfucking that that makes i mean shit like that makes my day so and look bre Brett just texted me love you guys thank you

yeah yeah absolutely I understand I mean I'm such a fucking asshole that I don't understand like you just basically explained to me that if you're on a hit show and two of your friends you respect call up and say good job it makes you feel good like what do you think of me? No, you're the one going, don't call him, Bert. You're so Hollywood. Don't call him. What do you think of me that you feel like you had to explain that to me? I was already texting him. I was already texting him saying it's fucking great, and I loved it, you know? Yeah.

So wait, tell me about this Connecticut gig. I don't know much about it other than that we sold tickets. I'm very happy about that. gig i don't know much about it other than that we sold tickets i'm very happy about that and that we my agent went out and we we checked it out when they had a band there to make sure that there there wasn't this thing where you know because i've been offered shows where it's just like okay we're testing you know taking their temperature and then they come in but then the crowd kind of does whatever it wants like i'm not gonna be a part of that that's the norm out there right now if people want to fucking

be idiots i don't want to be a part of it so i mean you got your you know your freedom to do it i'm not saying you know i don't understand why people want to prolong this fucking thing why i you know and i blame cnn and Fox because they politicize this fucking thing and people are literally not listening to doctors. Do you think that'll happen in the future? Like at what point will a colonoscopy be just a liberal thing to do? That's a good premise. I think it's just a conspiracy.

Cancer isn't real socialism up your ass and they gotta vacuum it out i'm a fucking full-blooded american i got nothing up my ass but the burgers i ate yeah the uh those shows i haven't done connecticut but it's there is a way there is a way there are people doing it right where you can go out put on a show which people want people want to get out of the house they want to go back to normal but hey i always looked at when i started doing these drive-ins i looked at it as what would i want and i personally would want the option my car or wear a mask or have my own area. I didn't want to be, I did some clubs and man, it was a shit show in my opinion. No, no, no. You don't want to, I, yeah, I'm not into that. I don't want to do that, but like everybody else, I have a mortgage and I have bills. So, I mean, I have to go out there and, you know, I also have to still be good at standup when this

is over and it's like anything else, you know, if you don't do it for an amount of time, you're going to stink. And I don't want to do that because it took me forever, you know, not to take away how much you and Brett struggled, but I also struggled. I had my problems. You didn't, you, you did it. You, you came up on your own though. Like your success was like by yourself. I told you I'm anti-social part. I do not do well in the group dynamic.

There's a reason I chose standup. No, I, uh, whose compliments meant the most to you when you were, when you started to do good things, what compliments did you get from people that meant a lot to you? Um, people that were the least like me. Like who? Black people, gay people. Just knowing that I was reaching, you know, like there's this.

Like I knew I could make me and people of my ilk laugh. Yeah. Okay. But then when I got down to New York and it was all mixed up, you know, and I would do a show and some, some Puerto Rican kid would come up to me and say, man, you're funny or whatever. I, I, that really, that was always like, cause I, I know why, because one summer speaking of back to school um I saw at Great Woods which I don't know what it's called now it's an amphitheater in um Mansfield Massachusetts I saw I saw Rodney Dangerfield and it was right after back to school was a big hit and he had he had this you know this big explosion again this whole new generation he had the the bleach blonde short hair and uh um bob nelson was opening

up for him jiffy jeff's gym and i went and i saw him at uh at great woods and he fucking murdered. Murdered. And I sat there going like, wow, man, that's amazing. I can't believe I just got to see this guy. This is incredible. And then like three weeks later, I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour. Came out in the purple suit, and the Weather Girls opened up. And with Eddie's crowd, it was a mixed crowd. And I remember I was like 18 years old and I was able

to look at Rodney's all white crowd and look at Eddie's crowd. And like, I was like, Rodney was making people laugh and killing and everything, but Eddie is making everybody laugh. was making people laugh and killing and everything, but Eddie is making everybody laugh. It was just something that stuck with me that I felt like, as like a litmus test to being truly funny, that you should try to go up in front of as many different people as possible.

And it's why I did alt rooms, I did shows in gay clubs. I did the black rooms, uptown rooms, whatever the fuck they call them. I did Latino night a couple of times. And then, you know, it really was, was just about getting past the nervousness of being like, oh, wow, I'm the only one of me that looks like this then after that you know if you really if i really thought about my life i worked in a warehouse with all kinds of different people and i made all of them laugh so you just had to kind of get out of your head it was like a fun exercise so yeah i would say that i would say when someone would come you know when i would do you know take the e train to the end what i used used to do, whose gig was that? Drew Frazier's gig,

Manhattan proper. Um, which sounds like it's near Manhattan. It was about as far, it was closer to long Island. You take the E all the way to the end to like Jamaica Queens, which I'm sure is all white now with hipsters and cupcake shops and artisan ice cream. But back in the day, like I'll never forget. I got off the subway and it was like artisan ice cream. But back in the day, like, I'll never forget, I got off the subway and it was like a whole other world. And I saw concern on people's face when they saw me. Like they wanted to help me get back on the train. Like, do you want to go across the platform and get out?

Like, I would see, like, it was funny. As you took the train out there, and it became less and less white, I would notice the side glances. You know, it's New York. You learn to just read people, and they're kind of like, what the fuck's with this white dude? When's he getting off? Yeah.

He should have gone off, like, five stops. I mean, I'm getting off here. He's back to me down that way. He's still going. and i'm just sitting there you know trying to look like i know how to fight and shit and um yeah and then i went out there and it was like it was it was always once you got in the venue it was fun it was getting to the venue you know what i always called was the second shift you know what i mean like during the day those neighborhoods are cool that's all the first shift people waking up trying to work

their way out of the neighborhood but there's something as the sun goes down when the second shift comes out the hustlers and all of that shit i noticed people stop walking on the sidewalks they start walking down the middle of the street so nobody jumps out at you it was all these fucking rules that i learned um that that was like you know i don't know it was it was definitely and then going out there going like what in the fuck am i gonna talk about out here and then that's when you learn like oh you know people are sort of the same yet can be really different and all of that shit so i did the usual shit i just of course in the beginning i did the oh i'm be really different and all of that shit so i did the usual shit i just of course in the beginning i did the oh i'm the white guy and i'm afraid which felt like totally selling out even though i was the white guy and i was afraid i knew i was just doing what they

wanted me to do yeah and then it became like can i just do what i want to do now now that i know how to be like you know gina where did all the white people go? Everybody laughing. So yeah, I would say that. That's interesting. I remember doing a gay club with Patrice O'Neill and it was fun.

We were so new, we didn't know it was a gay club. What was it? It was called Fiddle Sticks. Oh, he did that one by himself. I did one. What the fuck was it called?

Dude, when I tell you I was in this fucking place and I got there like an hour early because I was still working in a dental office and where the gig was. It's like I had time to go home, but I could sit there for two seconds and eat a piece of celery and then driven down to the gig. Or I can go straight to the gig and be like fucking 45 minutes early queen of hearts it's called the queen of hearts and it was a couple towns over from where I lived and I went there

and I sat I sat down at the bar and I remember I had an Emerson College sweatshirt on. That was the college I was going to. So I remember I had that on. Because some guy made a comment. I remember I was sitting there. And this guy walked by. And he just goes, he said something like, oh, that's my fantasy. Or that's my dream.

Something really forward. And I was like like what the fuck is with that guy so then he goes down and sits down with this rob halford looking dude so i'm just sitting there like a fucking idiot and literally like the woman behind the bar has like the katie lang hair and nothing is clocking i mean any of those guys were gay, but I mean, whatever, right? So finally, Karen Neuch, I think she booked it. Name from the past. She came walking in. She goes, hey, you here already? I said, yeah, you know, it was my day job or whatever.

I just drove over. And I just said, you know, I was like, hey. I go, those two guys down the end, they're a little happy. And she's just like, what? She didn't know what I was talking about. Because I felt uncomfortable that that guy hit on me right yeah you know and i was just like i said those two guys down the end of the bar they're a little a little happy you know what i mean and i remember she just looked at me she goes bill this is a gay bar everybody in here is a little happy. And then I looked around and I literally see like this lesbian,

the short haircut with like the tuxedo shirt. I just completely, I was just like, dude, I was so like sitting there. I remember I was so nervous when I first did stand up. Like I would set the timer on my watch the second I got there. So that was already taken care of.

My little digital watch to go so I could do my five minutes. I mean, like an hour before I even went on. We've got all this OCD shit. So, dude, I was so like, you know, you saw gay people, but I just didn't put the whole thing together. Yeah. And then I went up there and uh I was freaked out I was I was freaked out because my truck was out in front of this place

and it was a couple towns over and I was thinking oh my god one of my friends is gonna drive by and today right this is like you know the early 90s, you know. This is pre-Will and Grace. So I ended up doing, I only think I did, like, I did, like, okay. I did okay. But Karen, like, hosted it and was great. And I should have done great because those clubs are always fun because, you know, they came out. You want to see a show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

So, God, I have not thought about that. So then I remember Patrice did one called Fiddle Sticks. I remember me and Dane just dying laughing. Just the name and Patrice talking about the shit that he said when he was in there, you know, teasing him and having a good time. And, of course, he killed, and they loved him and everything. And it was – those were such fucking fun days, man. It sucks because you're not making any money.

But when you really think back, it was just so much fun because every night there was just, like, 40 new monumental questions that you had no answer for. And you just had to go up there and just wrong, wrong, wrong, right. I got one right. Wrong, wrong, bomb, bomb, bomb. And you just, it just, and the only, and then you had to be like, okay, I got that one thing right.

And you could think of like two scenarios. Next time I'll try this, not knowing if it was right. And you can think of like two scenarios. Next time I'll try this, not knowing if it was right. It's like behind this door, you know, there's always the pie to the face. And the, yeah, I just, I just remember that. Like the first, I felt like, you know, six years of my career, seven, eight years of your career is just, it's just one impossible situation after another and then you get a college agent and then there's the whole new you know we don't have a microphone is that going to be a problem you know did did these people know there's going to be a show did anybody well we hung up some flyers it's like they, did they eat lunch? Like all of those. Yeah, look at the pain in your face.

I hope you feel that. That is just like, I used to literally have to go somewhere mentally. I would just be like, all right, in an hour, this is going to be over. My car, I'm going to have my check and I'll be driving away. And whenever they show stand-ups in a movie whatever they always have you bombing in a club and there's like a microphone and a stage and there's lights and everything and what sucks about that is it kind of puts it on the comic it shows which happens it can be your fault but the amount of times the bombings that you take when you're starting out that it's not your fault it's like

the uh oh my god the fucking uh uh what is that goodwill hunting hey will it's not your fault yeah yeah oh fuck i'm plagiarizing something this is why i don't watch people's acts somebody i know did a did a short film remember what what I was saying to you? They did the Goodfellas thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They made a short film about comics going up at a club. This guy, they did the Good Will Hunting. This guy bombs and then the other guy kills. And when he's on stage, before he kills, I'm going to fuck it up. But basically, this guy's going like, hey, man, it's not your fault.

He goes, yeah, I know, I know, I know. I mean, yeah, I mean, he has a bachelorette party. It's not your fault. He goes, yeah, I know, I know, I know. I mean, yeah, I mean, he has a bachelorette party. It's, you know, it's not your fault. Yeah, I know, I know. And then he goes, hey, I just happened to get good spots. He just totally fucking breaks down. It's funny as hell. See, dude, that's why I don't watch stand-up specials,

because it just seeps in, man. I feel, like, embarrassed that that just happened. So, yeah. No, no, that happens. I did that one time. I was on stage, and I happens i i did that one time i was on stage and i was i actually did it on on television one time i did this bit the guy was talking about we were doing like a morning radio television interview and he said something about you know comedy's so great because

it it just brings people together and and there's so much distance between people. Everyone's fighting. And I came up with a bit on the fly that was killer. And I got off. And someone was like, someone emailed me that night, texted me or DMed me that night. It was like, I'm pretty sure you just did a Louis CK bit verbatim. And I was like, no. And then he's like,

I'm pretty certain that's a Louis CK bit. And as soon as he said that, I went, God damn it, man. I definitely, that came out way too quick, way too easy. Like, and I was like, son of a bitch. I think I might've. And I was like, and I-

You get older too, dude. Your short-term memory gets really bad. Like the first 30 years of your life is vivid. And then once you have kids and shit, it's just the light goes out and you can't remember. So like, if I'm watching people's acts and all that shit's floating around in somewhere there. I remember one time I did this, I just used a reference.

And I was talking about, you know, this guy came up to me when I was in Tennessee and started saying all this racist shit. He was white, I was white, so he thought it was cool. And then this black dude came in and it was this whole fucking bit on it. But at one point in the middle of it, I was like, I wanted to take that thing from the grocery store and slam it down like when between your food and my food like the race of shits that's him this is me oh I am not with that and I did this dude for a couple of months on the road and then I got into Boston and I went on up at the old comedy connection and as i did it i was like oh my god that's rich seissler's reference i saw him do it in this club i had to be in the club yeah and my heart sank i was like oh my god i'm in boston at the club where i saw it some boston comic just saw it i'm gonna get labeled

a thief and it's just something happened rich seissler the late great rich seissler did this bit where he was saying when you go into a bar and you just want you know boston guy we just want to have a drink you know what your drink is and this fucking guy comes up and starts just jabbering at you and you don't want to talk to him his reference was having that thing at the supermarket we just set it down and then the person would shut up i forget how he did it yeah but like and in the overlap because like that guy came up to me at a bar he was jabbering at me i didn't want him to talk but the whole thing was different Like, and the overlap, because like that guy came up to me at a bar. He was jabbering at me.

I didn't want him to talk, but the whole thing was different. But that reference where I went, I'm telling you, dude, like that's why I really try. And, you know, people always, you know, I hate when I do radio. I'm a huge fan of that guy. Oh, you see that latest special? And I'm like, no, I didn't. And that makes it sound like I'm not a fan. But like, the thing is, I get to talk to you guys offstage.

And all the comics I know are just funny talking. So I don't need to like watch the act. Because I don't want to see the material. Yeah, because like I said, because shit like that ends up happening I did a bit I did a bit one time about uh needing my wife like loving her but I need her more than I love her um and I and all of a sudden as I did it a couple times and I was like that doesn't like I sound something familiar and I said the bit to my wife and she was like yeah I don't know and I go I think that Patrice Patrice had a bit like that and my wife goes yeah it's a Patrice

ism and I and my wife goes down shit like that yeah and my wife was like yeah it's also in every self-help book you're ever gonna read so like she's like it's patrice didn't coin the ver coin the idea of wanting something or needing something versus loving something she was like that's like deep has that like every self-help guru has that theory and i was like oh yeah and then i was like oh i can't do it as a bit though she was like well yeah definitely don't do it as a bit because she goes listen she goes patrice's brilliance ideas are also sometimes broke things broken people recognize about themselves that self-help gurus go oh this is also what's wrong with you

dude i saw a clip of him today just it just came up and it was um him talking about that radiohead song creep i just saw that the other day too i just saw that and it was him talking about that Radiohead song Creep. I just saw that the other day too. I just saw that. And what I love watching, because everything is hilarious, but it's how little black and white people understand each other. Yeah. Patrice was fascinated that white people were gravitating towards self-loathing

and pain because the same way white people's image when I was growing up, black people always playing like muggers and pimps and all of that, that, you know, it was just like, oh, you go to college, you know, that all they were seeing was white kids in like cereal commercials with the square piece of toast,

with the square piece of butter, part of this complete breakfast. And it's just like, so when I was watching that, like I was of course missing him and thinking it was funny, but it was just like, it's just,

it's the weirdest thing. It's what makes this country so crazy, but it's also what makes comedy so fucking amazing. It's just those perspectives and then the fact that someone like me would run into him. And next thing you know, we're doing a gig about ready to go to try to answer 40 questions that we, you know, that we don't we don't have the answer for. And the different way that people react to it.

I remember one time he did a gig in Ireland. And he went up on stage. This guy, this English comic told told me maybe he was in England he goes he's like ladies and gentlemen please welcome Patrice O'Neill and he went on stage and they they just saw him and they bursted out laughing roared laughing and Patrice got all psyched out like what the the fuck is this then he had and then they laughed even harder. And then he goes, the fuck is, is this some N word shit? They just laughing. And when they finally stopped laughing, the comic had to explain to him.

It's like, Patrice is only a woman's name out here. So when they said Patrice, they thought it was going to be a woman and a white woman. And then a big black dude came out. Neil, Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. And then Patrice, when he would get upset,

his voice would go up in octaves. Yeah. What the fuck y'all at? Up there, which made him laugh even harder. And then he was in his head being like, whoa, did I just step into Mississippi burning the English version of this?

Yeah. It's really fucking, I don't know. It's really fucking, I don't know. It's a, and the thing about it is, is you have those experiences. And I don't know if you've experienced this, but then when you go back home to your friends, you relate less to them. Unless you keep the conversation like, know sports and blah blah blah blah but if you start talking world view it's like they had what you used to like me before like oh my god my my truck's in front of a gay bar people gonna think i'm gay that guy's a little

happy where my head was and where my world was yeah so now you know if that happened i would i would let me at my age i'd be flattered you know what i mean i would just laugh at that shit um that's also a thing too why i think it's fucked up that people go back into people's histories you know when i see like how how many times i've changed how many fucking things that i thought i now look at and be like that's stupid or like or or or you'll be like man I should have listened to myself I should listen to my gut because like I had this weird thing back then where I didn't know shit and I also didn't listen to my gut so I was just completely not connected to myself so um but there is a lot of stuff the things that I, the way I looked at the world versus now, you know, I mean, if there was like social media around when I was in my fucking 20s, stuff that I would have said, the stuff that I would have thought was funny, my worldview and all of that shit.

You know, it's a weird thing. It's a hell of a standard to hold people up to. Were you a good person the entire time you were alive? No. No. You made any mistakes? Yes. I got a text from the guy doing that documentary

about the footage I might have about Patrice. And so I was sitting there and I was like, yeah, and in my head I'm like, I definitely have it. I know I have it. And then I realized I may have footage of when we were in Scotland together because I had a video camera and I was taping everything please find it because we're getting close to wrapping that thing up I know well I gotta I told him I said I'm here until for another like week and then I'm home and when I'm home I'll go in and look for it but I had a camera and I have

I mean I was you know I was uh I was a fan of for the world right like so like before everyone before ONA no ONA like just standing in front of the Boston I was a fan of his so to be and I was such a young comic that anything he said or Voss was like really important to me. So like, and so I have footage of him making, teaching me how to make an omelet. Like, cause he was like. That's priceless. If you could get us that.

I gotta find this. I gotta, I am praying that I kept this tape with all these tapes because there is, he taught me how to make an omelet and he said, you need to videotip this shit. And we did it like a cooking show. And, and it's, it's funny. You say the little things like, you know, I was, I lived very like, uh, kind of sheltered life. And the more I hang out with people from different cultures and different

different types of people the more you learn like little things that across the board apply to everyone like I remember him and Donnell both seasoned the pan as opposed to the egg they put butter on the pan and then put salt and pepper on that pan and season the pan and then started making the omelet. And I remember going like, I've never seen a chef at, like, making omelets at an omelet station in a hotel. Never once have I seen them butter the pan and season their pan.

But they, uh... What's that? And then the egg. And then I seasoned the eggs up. They both seasoned the pan. And I remember being like, I wish, yeah, I got to go home and look for that footage. Because I got a lot. I was, you know, I was a fan of Patrice's. Because I was a young comic.

And so it's just me videotaping him the majority of the time yeah i'll say this last thing and then i gotta run because uh the kids are up here i um i remember there was a few times he just did shit fucking with regular people walking down the street that was so goddamn funny that afterwards, I would feel a little sad in the weirdest way because I would be like, oh man, this guy is gonna be so big and be so famous because he was just so much funnier than everybody.

Yeah, I got sad going like, there's gonna be be a day he's not going to be able to stand out here. There's going to be a day people walk down, they're going to expect him to do it. And like this, like I really tried to like take it in when he was doing it. I mean, just watching that guy go in to buy something. And watching back then, you know, back then before everything became corporate in New York and you could haggle for prices. Remember that shit? Anything you go in and buy at an electronic store? Yeah.

Oh man, I'm not paying that. Come on, I'll give you $60. It was just, it was fun. And just watching him do that. He used to just throw the money down on the counter and just be, I mean, that's what I got. That's what I got. And the guy would, no, my friend, I can't, blah, blah, blah. And it'd be like, he would just point to it. I mean, he would have so much fun.

It was like, afterwards, it's like, did you even want to buy that? Or did you just want to fuck with this guy? And he would, I don't know, when I used to do that, it would feel like either he was one of those guys, he liked the praise, but didn't like to hear it. He seemed like, I don't know,

whatever, just like don't overanalyze it, Bill, just fucking enjoy it. It's just like, but dude, you got to understand, like what you're doing,

that was like funnier than, there's like 10 writers working on a fucking show right now. It's not going to write anything as funny as that. And you just did that off the top of your head with a guy who didn't even know he was now on your show. So,

all right, everybody. That was a great podcast, Bill. Thanks. That was a fun one. Yeah, absolutely was.

Once again, I hope you guys enjoyed it. This is another wonderful episode of the bill. Bert. Pod. Matt. Watch Cobra Kai. Thank you.