The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 36

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about

Hey, what's going on everybody? It's time for a wonderful new episode. I almost forgot what I used to say. Wonderful new episode of the Bill Burt Podcast. Burt, how are you? Bill, I am doing great. I've had a great, great, great, great last two weeks and I was not having great shit this whole fucking, I've had a run of bad luck and anxiety and whatnot. Leanne fell, her teeth went through her lip. We had to put our dog down. It's been crappy, but this last two weeks has been really awesome, Bill. Thanks for asking. Yeah, I was going to say, I thought you were crushing it out there. You put on a brave

face. The show must go on. You were out there at the drive-ins. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. The flag. The comedy flag. The cabin did well. I was really proud of that. I was really happy for that. Thank you, Bill, for your participation. Thank you for the coffee mug and the sexy magnet.

Of course. Of course. The best is Leanne goes, I was telling this story to someone the other day. They go, they go, is Bill like a private person? I said, very private. And they're like, well, yeah, like how private? And I said, we went to go to an XFL game one time, and he gave me the wrong address because he knew the second he gave me the

right one, I'd Zillow it, and I'd probably put it online. And they go, what? And I said, I went up to his neighbor's house. Bill comes out his front door. He goes, nah, over here, over here. That might be one of my favorite fucking Bill Burr stories. And we had a great time. Who even remembers the XFL?

That's a great sports story. We went to that thing. Yeah. We saw the Dallas Outlaws play the L.A. There was something you were going, what were they? Cougars?

No, it couldn't be Cougars. That's too on the nose. The Trophy Wives. Who did they play? The Turkey Basters. I don't know. I forget who they were. What? It was the Renegades. What?

It was the Renegades. Okay, the Dallas Renegades versus the L.A. Brown. Yeah, you were doing something. Wildcats? Yes, Wildcats. Wildcats. There we go.

That's such a generic animal name wow what is that just a coverall like uh like uh like a vermin or like a rodent varmint varmint vegas varmints should have been that um yeah that was great and to think that like just on the smallest molecular level there was a guy who got a chance to play in the XFL, sat to his chick and said, honey, this is it. This is my big break. I'm getting in the XFL. I'm going to shine. And I'm going to the NFL. And then all that's just taken away from him, too.

Like, I think of all the small things taken away from people during this pandemic. And those are the little ones, you know, where you go, well well i guess i'll never be a nfl star whatever but that's fucking just a chance of a fun another fun thing to do on sundays you know it was a good time and there was some cool helmets that uh that renegades helmet was uh that was on point i liked it although like, oh, they ripped off the fucking CFL. Shakespeare did it back in 1600. All right, can I enjoy something? I'll tell you who's enjoying something right now are the Buffalo Bill fans jumping around like they beat the New England Patriots.

I couldn't believe where they go. Oh, they finally got a van. It's like half our team opted out because of COVID and Tom Brady's gone. Yeah, I hope you can win a home game. And they're sitting there talking about, you know, eight years. They finally got it. My buddy just told me on ESPN radio, some idiot over there was saying, I think we finally solved the Belichick versus Brady debate.

How dumb. Half of their team got sick. No, people opted out and shit. For real? Yeah. Look, the Buffalo Bills beat us, but don't act like you finally beat Brady. Brady had to go to Tampa.

Yeah. He had to go to Tampa and there had to be a pandemic. And you got yourself a win. Let's, you know, let's say what it is here. God, that's crazy. It's crazy that that virus hasn't just rapidly

spread through the NFL. More so than it has, you know? If you do what the fucking scientists say. Yeah, but those kids playing ball are legit, like, would spread the virus quicker than everyone, you know? So it's crazy that it hasn't gotten... How so? Meaning, like, say Cam Newton has it, right?

He did have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you'd think everyone that tackled him should definitely have it. Everyone in his hud? He did have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd think everyone that tackled him should definitely have it. Everyone in his huddle should definitely have it. I see what you're saying. Just the idea of huddling up with people and him breathing and saying, you.

You'd think... Contact sport is what you're trying to say. Yeah. It's amazing that it hasn't spread more rapidly through the NFL. I don't think it's that difficult to control if people just do what the smart people tell us to do. But they're choosing not to. So here we are. It's under control.

It's under control. I was in Joplin, Missouri outside my bus. And a guy, there's a big, we parked it right next to a big restaurant. And it was the type of restaurant that people that is the type of restaurant, not that my fans would go to, but people that would go to would see a bus,

Google it and go, go make my picture next to that bus. And so when I walked out, some guys like, Oh shit, that's him comes running up. And he's like, Hey Bert, make my picture with you. And walked out, some guy's like, oh shit, that's him. Comes running up and he's like, hey Bert, make my picture with you. And I was like, oh

I gotta do it distant. And he goes, oh you're not one of those virus believers, are you? And I was like what do you mean believers? Like, you're telling me you don't believe in it? It's nuts. It's pretty nuts. It's just what, it's the internet, dude. I've been doing this bit in

my act about how they should get rid of it or they should at least have it be like the library where there's a fiction and a nonfiction section. The problem is it's all presented as nonfiction and if you're an idiot, you're going to go on the internet and you're going to, that's what you're going to come up. Because I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Some of the things, because what you do is you want to be right. Just Google, is this virus, is COVID real? You're going to get the answers you want.

Yeah. I don't think there's too many scientists that are taking time out right now to be like yes this is real they're trying to cure it so it seems like why do they not think it's true even their guy got it it's the most fascinating fucking thing

I think they in a while considering you could die from it here's where my this is my hill to die on right here, is we have friends that are liberal, progressive liberal, hate Trump, never would listen to a conversation about Trump, might actually disown you. And I've said nasty things to me.

I don't support Trump. But because I travel in the middle of the country and I play to people that probably like Trump. You go on stage without a shirt. Yeah. You're a Trumper. That's all those liberals need to see, Bert. Oh, Bill. And they can just, you're a white male with your shirt off doing a show at a drive-in. You're a Trumper. That's probably what they see but they don't they don't wear masks they don't follow the rules they don't socially distance they're going to parties we're white we're wealthy we can't get it let's all hang out fuck that it's all we need

a little bit of vitamin d i have a real problem so are you going to these parties no no not at all i mean how do you know this is happening? You got pictures of it? I can't really get too into details, but let's just say... Oh! I knew there was a story. ...because I light people up. But, like, it bothers me because, like, there's a... I'll give you another example.

There's a young lady who is very progressive left, who's dating a friend of mine, and said, I can't wait. I got a big Halloween party I'm going to. And I said to my friend, oh, is she not believing the virus? And he goes, what? I said, she must not believe it.

Is she voting for Trump? He was like, what do you mean? I was like, well, she's behaving like the people she says she hates. She's behaving identical to them. She's going to a Halloween party. She's going to hang out, drink. Oh, you don't get it. She's going to a Halloween party. She's going to hang out, drink.

Oh, Bert, you don't get it. She lives near an ocean. Her friends are progressive. They're smarter. When they do it, it's different. Yeah, that's what I'm fucking losing my shit about. It's like, if you were going to mock that dude who came up and said, make my picture, you're not one of those virus believers. If you're going to mock him,

then you better wear a fucking mask anytime you step outside your house. But Burt, does that surprise you? The super hardcore left is one of the most judgmental. They're just as judgmental as what they hate. They will judge you. Skin color, sex, sexual

orientation, race, the whole thing. Write down the whole checklist and it's okay because they feel the way that they're doing it is right. It's a really, the whole thing is fascinating. And if there was just more people out there that could admit that they're stupid, like, I feel that's one of my strong points. Hey, you've been saying you're stupid. Knowing that, I'm a fucking idiot. You know, that it's like, I'm going to listen to these guys that are in the league.

The CDC, they made it to the NFL of scientists, top level, Heisman Trophy winners. I'm going to listen to what the fuck they say. I'm not going to listen to people who played high school football or took an IPS class or went on the fucking internet. My wife, we're building a house right now, and these guys are working in the room trying to get the lights on. Last night, we did a socially distanced outdoor movie night with friends, like watch a scary movie, Beetlejuice.

So it drives me nuts. Leanne goes, hey, why don't you guys go in the room and see what they're doing, or see the room they're building? And I said, hey, they're working in there. That's super disrespectful for you to invite other people into a room where people happen to be working. They're working. They don't have a right to say, no.

And she was like, what do you mean? And I went, there's a fucking virus out there. And then I start going, am I crazy? Like, maybe I should just ignore it also. Like, maybe I'm following the rules too hard. Do whatever you want to do. All I know is come Tuesday,

Bert, there's a bunch of Karens that got to go out and vote for Fire Marshal Bill's grandfather. That's our choice. Fire Marshal Bill's grandfather or we stick with the orange cunt oh my god do you think what do you think is going to happen i think the democrats hold on let's get this clean bill because this is going viral bill what do you think is going to happen this november

3rd in the election i think trump's going to win it again. And I think the Democratic Party threw the election on purpose because all they needed was a 45-year-old dude with a full head of hair and they would have trounced the guy. Yeah. I think the dollar's about ready to collapse

and the Democrats do not want to be staring the ship when it goes down. So you think this is the game of Hopping? They got this fire marshal Bill-looking guy to come out there, and, you know, with all of his issues and all of that. I don't, I, you know, I don't know. My thing, I don't have a political party, but I definitely am not into overt racism and people that race bait. I think it's the most cowardly thing you could possibly do. And with all the information out there, it's astounding that it still works. As much as they all, no matter who you vote for, they're going to work for the banks and the oil companies,

it would be nice to not have the Grinch. It would be nice if somebody had a little bit of a heart, do something. So we shall see. I hope he doesn't win. I hope he doesn't win. So you think you think – I think that there's – I don't know. I don't know. Dude, I don't know. I don't know. Dude, I don't wanna talk about this.

Look, I'm a white guy, so I'll be fine, but the amount of pain that people who aren't white are experiencing with this, it's just not cool. It's just like, why would you wanna do more of that? It's just weird to me. Why did you make me say something political, Bert? I don't do that shit. I try not to.

I just kind of try to make fun of everybody. But now I feel like I'm going to have an influence either way. I don't want to fucking influence it. It's interesting that people say, all these people are getting up there and being like, hey, make sure to get out and vote on Tuesday. And assuming that everyone that's getting that message is voting for the person they want. Like, it's so crazy that like, you know, like,

you see like, especially like our comic friends are like, it's so important to get out and vote. And you're like, hold on, your fan base is pretty broad. They may not be voting for who you think so. Like, I think I might do more good by going. Yeah, there's two layers to it. It's also like, if you don't vote vote you can't bitch about what's going on and you should be informed um which i'm not um so there is that but then the other thing is is they want you to go out and

vote for who they want um you to vote for and And I don't know. I mean, the worst thing, dude, the worst thing of those, those frigging propositions. I mean, each ad just convinces you. It's always just like, Hey, let's put a new water fountain in. Then somebody is like, I won't be able to get dialysis and I'm going to die. And you're just like, what the fuck?

What do you do? We're doing it. I don't understand why they just can't word it like so you can understand it they always word it we're like no means yes yes means no or there's something fucking attached to it that's not in the paragraph i don't get any of that you okay burt yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no I was gonna say we're doing uh I don't want to do I don't want to talk politics dude I fucking hate talking hey listen you motherfucker I've tried to say the same sentence four times

okay I'm sorry Jesus Christ and then when I gave you time you're like what Bert we're not talking I was gonna do it. And you stuck cut me off again. Well, just tell me to shut up. So tonight, me and the girls are going to, me and Leanne are voting by mail tonight. We're putting our right in votes. So tonight we're sitting with the girls. We're going through the propositions.

And we're going to talk them out with our daughters and see what they think. And so I don't know anything about those propositions. They're confusing as fuck. The dialysis oneysis one you're like should there be a doctor should there not be a doctor it seems like both people have an argument for why there should or should not be a doctor and you're like well fuck why do i make the decision oh that fucking uber driver thing what's the uber driver one i i don't even know it's just like hey i'm an independent contractor i'd like to keep being able to make a little better extra money.

We need to do this or else serial killers will fucking, but I don't, I don't even, I don't know what it is. You know what I did? I called a good buddy of mine who knows everything about politics. And he gave me the answer to the test. Who Vince Vaughn?

No. DeRosa. DeRosa. DeRosa doesn't even vote so if you had to if you had to give if they said i have a friend of mine that like literally pays attention to politics like the way i watch sports yeah dave anthony dave anthony knows let me tell you something i did a show with dave anthony right before the pandemic literally right before they're shutting shit down I did a live dollop and Dave Anthony said Bert this is gonna get very real and I went Dave it's not he goes no they're gonna shut down our country and I was like Jesus Christ chicken little like fucking take a breath I'm sitting there having beers and Dave's socially distancing at the time and

i'm like fucking seriously dave and he goes i don't know man have you been flying i was like i just landed and he was like i'm telling you man this is going to be very real i'm saying like three days later they shut down the fucking country and i swear to god whatever dave anthony says i fucking listen to dude i was i had an acting gig and this woman on set goes i think this is different i'm like that's like sars it'll be fine she texted me for three months of this the first three months and i was like all right all right you got you were right you were right there's a there's a there's a comic uh uh a female i say female only because i can't remember her name right now andy is her name but i i can't remember her last name and she texted me bill this is i talked about this another time but this it's so fucking eerie listen to what she texted me on what date and you'll go whoa let's see andy

andy with an i and Andy with a Y. Search older messages. Search older messages. Here we go. Andy, you ready for this, Bill? Yeah. This is March 15th, okay? March 15th.

Is that March 15th? No, this is February 15th. February 15th, Okay She writes. Um, hi, it's me again I've been google translating this shit out of this virus situation for weeks and please stop traveling tell everyone to stop traveling I know I know You're probably thinking come the fuck on are we really gonna wait until they tell us to stay off the streets? Then it will be too late, right? right honestly everyone should just call in sick tuesday what are they gonna do suit up fella come on over and let's see if i'm lying it's genius really it's probably the most american protesting thing we could ever do is just don't go to work and save our lives and probably the last chance

legally shift power this is in fucking february she was google translating these documents seriously stay the fuck home learn to knit knit yourself a face mask this is in fucking february i wish we could just get everyone to stay home for a week just jump their gun and save our lives fuck and then i wrote on march 16th wow you were right and she goes i know i was right and then she told me to buy a bunch of fucking allergy medicines that were going to save the body. I think she, she really, she's a,

and she's a funny fucking comic too. Andy Smith. Oh, there you go. There you go. Some people know, but let's talk football, man.

Let's talk football. Let's talk football. How somebody on ESPN evidently said that they've solved the Brady-Belichick debate somehow in the end of October. And it's like, wouldn't Tampa have to go and win a Super Bowl? Yeah. Not win just some regular season games? I mean, it's so dumb.

Bill Walsh and Joe Montana together versus them not together. It's, you know, it's like a – What did Montana do for the Chiefs? David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Allen together, them separate. I mean, it's just – So you're saying, theoretically, that if Brady goes off and wins the Super Bowl for the Bucs, then it was Brady? No.

What are you saying? It's asinine. Yeah. That's an asinine. Well, no, it's not asinine because when you say Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth, I say together they were great. Apart, I did not enjoy Sammy Hagar when he was with Van Halen. That's what I'm saying.

That is what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's not like they were bad. It's just it's not as good. Right. You got the recipe perfect, and then, you know, you go on your run, and then you go your separate ways, and then you continue to do well or whatever. But, like, look, Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time. Yeah. He just is. He just is.

He just is. But anybody, if you take the biggest bullet out of their gun, is going to be hurt for a little bit before they get it going again. And Tom Brady, as great as he is, it's like you're going to be at the mercy of your coaching staff. And they're not as good as what he's had in New England, just because their record is better. He's the greatest quarterback of all time,

and Belichick is the greatest coach. And when they go their separate ways, there's going to be some suffering. Tell me what you – if you can. I don't know the right answer to this. But how – what makes a good coach? Is it play calling? Is it allowing the player to be independent? What makes a good coach?

Why – what makes Belichick, other than the fact that he coached with Lawrence Taylor, he coached – I mean, he's coached fucking – No, people don't understand that. It's like Bill Parcells never won a Super Bowl without him. And he won in 86 and he won in 90. And he shut down John Elway in that high-powered offense. He shut down with a run-and-gun Buffalo Bills. He shut down the greatest show on turf.

He has beaten the greatest offenses of the last 30 years that that that first group of three Super Bowls that we won we used to win games like 17 13 what we didn't become like the the crazy offense until Randy Moss came in and then that's when it started to become that and um I just think for the duration that he did it, because what happens is if you come up with something new, okay, and what you're doing is working, everybody is stealing from it. So what happens is eventually the NFL catches up with you. And if you don't keep adjusting, which is really hard, it goes past you.

It's like Don Shula. Don Shula, Dan Marino. By the time Dan Marino got with Don Shula, everybody had caught up with him. I feel. Can you just, because I understand what you're saying, but I don't understand. I would say like the West Coast offense. Right, right. West Coast offense was developed under Paul Brown and Bill Walsh in Cincinnati. And the reason why they did it was because, I forget the kid's name, but they had this quarterback that just had an arm like you dream about. And Bill Walsh, to the end of his life, said this guy would have been the greatest ever. But he fucked it up. And it was a rotator cuff issue. They didn't know how to deal with it. So his arm strength was weak. So they developed this offense, these short, quick passes going down the field, which was the advent of the West Coast offense. And with that, it's a whole long soap opera how

Paul Brown passed over him. He said he was a head case. He had to go to Stanford to prove himself. Then he gets back to San Francisco and takes that offense, gets a guy named Joe Montana. And Joe Montana is built the way he's built and bill walsh has the mind that he has yeah okay and then these guys start going on this run they win in 81 aka whatever whatever they do it again in 84 and then everybody's catching up with them then they do it in 88 and 89 and then everybody goes well seaford was 89 but then everybody is just going to go and steal it like the colts the baltimore colts i mean the indianapolis colts who come totally fucking bitch about the patriots every fucking

year we would beat them literally went in and stole our offense and beat us with it and went on to win a fucking super bowl in 20 uh 2006 i think it was that was our offense that's what was fucking our defense was beating them but they was beating them. Jim Mercer sat on the competition committee. The way we were covering his receivers, they made a video saying that that was cheating, right? The NFL goes, no, it isn't. They made a video. They bitched about it. So then he sat on the competition committee. And then all of a sudden, that of um coverage on receivers was no longer legal and then they took our offense and then they beat us in the playoffs is that like the Belichick doesn't stop there and go okay they know what we're doing I guess my time is done he continues

to improve on what it is that he does I watched the game I mean I'm not a head coach so I can't literally break down the style that he's doing but it it's like there was does. I watched the game. I mean, I'm not a head coach, so I can't literally break down the style that he's doing, but it's like there was a game I watched one time. The Patriots had it won. It was like the final two minutes of the game, and Bill Belichick just did some weird thing, and Tony Romo goes, you know why he's doing that? He's doing that to throw off the analytics

of what he does at the end of the game because he knows this game is won, so he's trying to throw this fly analytics of what he does at the end of the game because he knows this game is won. So he's trying to throw this fly in the ointment to get you off the scent. That shit that he does when he does a press conference, he's just like, yeah, all that good, you know. And everybody thinks he's boring. He's not going to give you any bulletin board material. bulletin board material. This guy is like on so many levels competing. And what makes him the greatest is no one caught him for two straight decades.

He won six Super Bowls when there's 30, 32 fucking teams. Continued to be successful. Went to nine fucking Super Bowls in 20 years. Wow. I mean, the resume speaks for itself. And he stayed. As a head coach, right? Yeah, and he stayed and then won two others when he was an underdog.

And they weren't supposed to win. And their defense shut them down. And it's the defensive genius of him. I think that that's why he's the greatest of all time. Obviously, I can't break down the X's and O's of what that guy's doing. I just know that he just continued to, it's like a great comic that never stops writing. It's like, you're not going to run them down. And then you see the other ones that get their following, they stop going down to the store. They just do their weekend gigs and following. They stop going down to the store. You know, they just do their weekend gigs. And then they sit in their house in the hills.

They slow down. And then people run them down. And then all of a sudden they show up at the store one night to put their stink on the place again. They haven't been there in four or five years. And it's like they're still playing grunge music. And everybody's like they're still playing grunge music, and everybody's like moved on, and I would say that that's the number one thing that made him what he was, was that he,

the continue, the evolution of what he was doing. It was like, it's not like, okay, this guy's been in the league head coaching for six years. We know what he does. It's just like,

what the fuck is he doing now? I think that that's why they had so many fucking cases all these fucking people bitch moaning and complaining because what were they going to do beat the guy yeah right it's and that's like what when they talk about buddy Ryan recreating the defense right that was him that did the yeah that 46 defense 46 what do you think after they did that in the NFL? What do you think every defensive coordinator was doing halfway through that season?

Halfway through that season, they're breaking down, what the fuck is this? What are they doing? How does this work? And then also they win the Super Bowl, and what happens? All their assistant coaches and shit get picked up by other teams, and then they sit down. So what the fuck were they doing there?

How did they do it? And they just break it down. So what happens is your unique thing then goes into the mainstream, and it becomes like hacky. It's like Richard Pryor doing those white guy, black guy routines. By the time 20 years goes by, and it gets to death jam by those last couple of seasons, I mean, it literally was down to, you ever see a white guy sitting in a chair, you know?

Do you think there's the same proportion of hacks in comedy that there are head coaches in football? Well, I mean, that's out of my world, but I would imagine. But I would equate to what he did. Belichick, what he did is like a band putting out a killer albums for 20 straight years DC boys there's very there's very few that did that the Rolling Stones did it Rolling Stones ACDC did it some people would argue but I'd say ACDC did there's very few and then what ends up happening is a lot of people once they get those first two three albums

out that's what they do yeah they just keep doing more of the same it's a i asked i got asked a question that i'm curious to hear your answer um i was talking with uh a good one podcast uh over i think it's at vulture i'm not not certain, but they said, how do you avoid, how do you avoid, and this is a better question for you as it is, as opposed to me, how do you avoid not ending up in an echo chamber and just performing to your fans

and making sure that you're still doing what got you to the dance in the first place by way of converting fans and getting strangers to like what you what you're what you pop in pop in pop in go do an alt show do a gay show do the uptown show that's what does it you get out you get outside of uh your your your fan base if it's if it's a thing for like battered women, that's a great night for me to go up. You know what I mean?

If it's some like super progressive thing, that'd be fun. And if I lived in a red state, if it was some Trump rally type of deal, that would be a great one for me to go up on. To, you know, because that's, I sort of have this thing where Trump people think I'm a Biden guy and Biden people think I'm a Trump guy. And what it really is I'm just a contrarian and I'm an asshole.

So I just, I just argue the other side like a dick. So, um, but I also think the game within the game is you pushing yourself where it's like, if you see a skills set that another comic has doing characters or um acting stuff out or or you're saying this or just staying standing there just telling the jokes being funny and you don't have that in your act that's something to work on i it's like hoop it's just like,

I can't go to my left. So how do you get better at going to your left? You go to your left. So, you know, if you want to like expand ideas, there's tricks to doing that. But it's like, if you continue to push yourself to get better and better and better, If you continue to push yourself to get better and better and better, I think that that's the only way that you can try to stay relevant and you don't become like, you know some guys when you see them come on stage, you can tell what year they made it. Do you remember like when we were coming up, you saw those star search guys, those evening at the improv guys, they were like stuck in time, still had the sport coat with the sleeves rolled up a little bit you saw him trying to do the grunge thing but couldn't really do that um or you saw like uh the catch

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$200 off at helixsleep.com slash Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-B-E-R-T. I remember those guys. I remember a guy coming to the Boston Comedy Club, I won't say his name, obviously, I remember those guys. I remember a guy coming to the Boston Comedy Club. I won't say his name, obviously. And he had the fake smile, struck the stage look, you know? Like, no one had that at Boston. Boston, it was like, back against the wall, arm on the thing.

Here we go. All right. You know, like, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. And he was like, so, hey, walking down the, I was hanging out with my girlfriend. Like, it was just the idea of presenting a premise. Like, what's up with that? Like, and I remember just being like, that's, who does, like, did that work at one point?

Like, it was so, it was so like deer in headlights. And then you just watch someone else go on stage. And it was, but it was funny because moving to LA, did you feel like when you moved to LA there was a veneer of of phoniness that you had to present on stage somewhat like you had to go like I remember being like don't talk to the audience what are you talking about that's all you do in New York you get up start with the audience run into your material it's natural it's fluid and in LA they were I remember they were like don't don't talk to the audience and you're like I was like okay I remember coming out and thinking the stand-up

was horrible out here in a wave of depression hitting me going what did I do because I'd lived out here before and I was like I promised myself I would never come back and I came out here in 07 and the store was at the end of that dark period and but it was still you know sort of the joke thief period the half filled crowd and people weren't getting the reps and shit and it was had to like, I had like a panic, I remember standing in the back hallway, and I had a panic attack. And then I saw Al Madrigal for the first time. I went like, okay, that guy's good. All right. So that guy's good. Thank God. So then what I did was I just got into this mindset of like, all right, well, I can't go down to where this is right now. That sounds crazy to say about the comedy store because the level is so high.

This is like Joe Rogan wasn't there. He was kicked out because of that bullshit. So it was like, there was a vacuum. And I was just like, and I remember hearing, just hearing the piano brought me back to the late nineties when I went out there and Mitzi didn't pass me. And, and it just was a, it was just a bad time. And I kind of had to fight through all of that, go up there. And I just was like, I'm just going to fucking do what I do, try to come up here and fucking rip.

Establish myself out here in LA that this guy's a funny guy and we're not making a mistake putting him on this lineup. And then the more I went down there, the more I was able to not be looking at the whole thing at once. Oh, there's another funny person. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I think a lot of it was my panic of, did I really fucking move all the way across this country again?

I think a lot of it was that. But when Rogan came back, that was huge. And then the booking changed, the booker being changed. What were the bookings like? I've never worked there when the previous booker worked there. Were the bookings, it seems like they were somewhat unfair, or was it not insightful? Well, I mean, there was this fear fear that i'm not going to talk about

people but that a certain comic was going to show up and you couldn't even do your fucking act i just remember thinking like how did it get like this everybody hates this why is everybody at the mercy of this guy and why is this business 100% behind this? It was fucking nuts. Agents and managers. It was fucking nuts. Then Rogan came back and it was immediately,

it was like the lights were brighter. Just his energy. Then all of a sudden like uh you know some newer guys started coming around i remember the excitement when dalia came around it was like he just was a legit force of nature on stage and you were like you know i was like fuck man i i kept i the booker at the time I was just like why do you keep putting me on after this fucking guy and he was like because I know you can follow him it's like dude I'm trying to work on my act here yeah this guy's coming down it's like fireworks going off what am

I supposed to do here but but I caught myself I was like no no no Bill don't be the older comic that resents the new funny guy it's just like root for this person it was just you know as much as that was cool probably for him it was better for my psyche to not do that because I think that that's the thing that older comics do the younger comics come in and like oh you know you know that't cover. This should be do it this way. Don't talk to the crowd. And I'm not coming down here. I got my following.

And then you're done. And then you're done. Then you're done. You're done as far as like you are relevant as long as your fan base is still alive. And it's like they're going to fucking have kids. They're going to have jobs, lose jobs. They're going to get divorced. I mean, to try to hold on to just, it's like holding on to water.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good analogy. Yeah. I said to them, I said, I'm curious what your thoughts are. But I said, my answer was, the same way that you parent a child and then set them off into the world and hope that you gave them a skill set to deal with how the world operates and you can't really you can't helicopter parent at that time you do i think that's how formative young stand-up is when you're young the values you that you're set that what you appreciate like what i appreciated as a young comic was originality like i'm i know i'm talking to you right now but like i'm and i it's it's hard to say as a friend of

mine or as a friend but like you were the one that changed the way I saw the future of this business as a entertainer as a as just a dude who does comedy because I remember watching and I've told you this but that bit you did about you did the act out of talking to the kid. You had the two adopted kids and you did the act out. I've never seen you do an act out. I'd seen you get away from act outs like at a period of time. And then to go back to it, I was like, oh shit, you can do anything on stage. You can like add stuff to your act.

You don't have to like be this guy. And then this is your lane. And that's the thing you do. You can branch out i remember hearing that bit i was right there on the treadmill watching it right fucking there on my tv and i was like oh fuck like you got to keep growing and i think if you establish those things as a young comic and those are your pillars of like of like trust that what you think is funny is funny. Don't lean into what the industry wants you to do,

make your things and then follow the guidance of great, great comics. I was like, then, then that when you get a fan base, you can just stick in, in with that, with those values and you can keep growing and you,

and obviously doing sets. I think doing sets is probably number one, but it's cure. I'm curious to why I'm curious, you know, as I get older in this business as to why guys like you and Gaffigan and, and, um, and Rogan and, and a lot more that I'm leaving out you know but how you've been able to maintain with so many haven't you know

like been able to like keep growing an audience you know just luck dude everybody's working hard yeah no there's so much fucking luck there's so much there's so much luck luck. There's so much luck. There's so many people that I see where if they just fucking adjusted a couple little attitude things, it would change their world.

Like I, you know, I was such a pessimist and negative person when I was younger. I just grew up with it. So I didn't even realize I had it. It just felt like, but like once I changed my mindset to go into things, like if, if there's four people here or 400, I'm fucking murdering these people. If I have four lines

or I'm on this whole shoot, I'm fucking bringing it every day. Once you just like, once you get into that mindset of like, not like an ego thing. It's, I'm going to throw myself into this thing and I'm just going to, I'm just going to go for it. And I'm going to throw myself into this thing and I'm just going to go for it. And I'm going to have a good time doing it. And then people will see that. So they'll enjoy it or they'll enjoy working with you. They'll want to work with you. And as long as you do that and you don't think that everything is about you,

I think people, you know, think that everything is about you, I think people – you know what's funny is it doesn't take much to be labeled a good guy. It really doesn't. I swear to God, dude. If you just show common courtesy, people – Oh, he is so nice. I remember once I did a yet another failed pilot. I think I've told this story before. I mean, walking from like, I think we, whatever we broke for lunch. There's this wardrobe woman. She's carrying a bunch of shit and she dropped a pen. She's like, I got it.

I got it. You know, she's carrying all this shit. I'm not carrying anything. She dropped the pen. I took 0.8 seconds of my life to stop and pick the pen up and give it to her. And she told like 900 people I was the greatest guy ever because I did that. You know why that is? It's because the level of fucking asshole that she's worked with. Yeah. That's all that, that's how many assholes are out there. level of fucking asshole that she's worked with. Yeah.

That's all that, that's how many assholes are out there. That's all I had to do. That would be like to get my black belt. I just had to go, hi-yah. Like, ooh. That was impressive. That was a real karate chop in your own pub. Here's your black belt.

Like I'm telling you, like if you adjust, I don't know and I just, I watch, I'll tell you the death knell of so many fucking people because they're so stupid. They don't think people notice. Those fucking people that treat, did we talk about this last week? Those people that treat you by what level you're on no we did not talk about this last okay those are the dumbest fucking people as far as like if do they think people don't notice because this business it's like a mixing board you know one day somebody's here and you're here looking at them and then six months later all of a sudden you you went up here and they went down here that like you just treat people nicely but there's these people out there that will literally the second they go past you stop returning phone calls or stop returning your

texts stop saying Heidi all of a sudden you feel like them talking to you is a chore yeah and i always just do that mental note i'm like oh wow you're that guy you're one of those people all right i got it through this i i have all those little lock the door tests there was a person one time right um we were in a comedy club let's keep this real vague there's a bunch of people sitting in the back room of a comedy club. Let's keep this real vague. There's a bunch of people sitting in the back room of a comedy club, like a festival almost, Bert. So I was sitting there and I'm on this sort of like an L-shaped style couch. And it was so jam-packed that this comic comes in and the place was packed. She wanted to get around everybody.

So she climbed up and walked along the couch, which is fine. But there was a full, like three quarters of a bottle of water there and when she stepped into the cushion it caused it to tip over and she saw it and she was like oh shit oh my bad and I kind of went like that and then she kept going so I was thinking like all right is she going into the bathroom to get some paper towels, toilet paper to help clean it? Nothing. Went across the room and continued the conversation. And at right, I was like, I'm done with that person. That is the fucking tip of the iceberg of your selfish fucking behavior. And I don't want to see what's under the waterline so that person since then you know I people like that I just hey yeah there you are I just do that and it's like you know I'm

not gonna be but I'm not gonna be a dick but it's just like I'm not uh I would never get myself into a position with a person like that where I was depending on them to not be that person that did that. Oh, that's who they're going to be. Yeah. It's the old, you knew I was a snake. You knew I was a scorpion. A scorpion's going to need the ride across from the frog halfway through. He just steps the frog in the back.

He goes, why would you do that? He's like, I'm a scorpion. That's what I do. Yeah, that's like self-sabotage yeah there's a there's I've had I know I've talked about this but I was very lucky enough I was very very lucky in that and I didn't consider it luck at the time but and getting let go from travel channel and getting kind of pulled off of the oddball tour for whatever reason because dates weren't selling or whatever and then going back to clubs i would say that's the reason i don't know what it was like they were trying to make money and they weren't no no no no but i had noted all the dates i were i was on for whatever reason got canceled and I was just hosting I

wasn't like I was I was getting I was not a part of the bill I was just like doing I wasn't blaming you I'm just I was just joking my point is all that going away there was a moment I had like a two-year moment where I was the person that those people would look past. And you got to real quick figure out who those people were. And it was really eye-opening was when I started to sell tickets, how quickly their eyes shift back to you and they want things from you. And you're like, wow,

I didn't know it would happen like that. I didn't know that- But you did because you heard the stories. But when it actually happens you feel like you're in a in a bad movie about show business like when you see somebody who makes it and then all of a sudden starts treating people like shit that's the that's the one you're just like oh my god sometimes you see it coming there's a few people where you're just like this person is a fucking lunatic at this level god help god help somebody if somebody gives this person a show and

it's a fucking hit holy shit oh there is gonna be some stories but then there's other people where they hide that whole thing and then all of a sudden they get that thing and it was just like what the what i watched someone do that to someone when i was a very young comic i watched someone light someone up and they had made a little they made a little success for themselves and were kind of a little bit of a star and all someone said was congratulations that's it and. And this person was like, fuck you. You wish you had gotten on my train. You wish you had gotten on my train. You never gave me spots. And you know what? Suck my dick. I don't need you now. I never needed you. And I was like,

you could have also just said, thank you. I have, I swear to God, I'm writing as as a joke i'm writing this like self-help book just for myself with like the stupid things i think of like how my brain works and one of the things is it's an it's a lyric from uh from judith by by um what was what was maynard maynard perfect circle perfect circle a lyric from jude the from the songs Judith on Perfect Circle is, you're such an inspiration for a way that I never want to be. And it's like, I remember looking at people and going, note to self, that person just did that.

And I saw it from the outside. I was like, write that down. Never tell off anyone who you don you don't like, who just says, congratulations. In defense of that person, everybody wants to do that. Everyone. When the moment comes, you don't do it. You just say, thank you. I have so many people that I wanted to do that too. And now they're great friends of mine.

So many club owners. Cause you know, in my world, it's like, I'm so ready. I should be. How could you? And then you, like, take it personally. And it's just like, maybe he didn't see it. Maybe you suck. Maybe you weren't ready. God forbid it's on you, Bill.

And it's just like, there was so many, not so many, but there was like, probably like four to six people, which is a lot. That's a lot of mental energy. To be like, someday, man, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to get in the ha-ha fucking chuckle place. And then I'm going to, he's going to want me there. And I'm going to be like, fuck you, man. I ain't doing that shit. And then it's just like, or I could take the gig. I could go in there and fucking rip.

And I'll have another place to perform at. And then what happens is, you know, you're selling tickets. Your relationship changes. A lot of those club owners have to be standoffish. Yeah. Because they got all these comics coming out. Like, you ever see the Meerkats when there's like a cobra? And they try to act like they're this one big. And they got all all these comic coming out like you ever see the meerkats when there's like a cobra they try to act like they're this one big and they're all like lunging

toward like that's what they're dealing with so they have to they have to have a certain level of aloofness to just get to the back office without you know having a stack of vhs tapes whatever the fucking kids do nowadays but um so i've learned there's a balance of like not taking shit personally but then also seeing somebody spill a water bottle and not clean it up or give a fuck you gotta have to have like all right you know i don't know it's a weird sort of it's funny you watch you watch norm mcdonald go through a place like the Comedy Store, and he's so generous and authentic to everyone, takes a minute, makes eye contact.

Hey! And, like, you know, you can't tell if he's busting your balls or not. You can't tell with Norm. Like, I remember when his show got in trouble, I sent him a message, whatever he said. Who knows what he said? But I sent him a message. I didn't even say a message.

I just put something on Twitter. And then he direct messaged me. He was like, hey, I really appreciate it. Sometimes CMS is like that. It means a lot. Thank you so much. And I was like, nice. I remember screen grabbed it, sent it uh thank you so much and i was like nice i remember screen grabbed it sent it to rogan and tom and ari and i was like uh just got blown up from norm mcdonald

and as i sent it norm's next one was i hear you're a very funny comic i hope i get to meet you one time and i was like i've met him four times but you can never tell it Norm if he's busting your balls or like like he's just he's just a pure comic but he's always been very very generous and nice and sweet every time I've ever run into him and you're like that's why people like that's why people want him to succeed like I want him to succeed always in everything he does because he just is not a dick,

you know, Spade, not a dick. And Spade has this like, whatever, you know, like ball buster attitude from like, you know,

SNL or whatever. Fucking guy in the world. The sweetest. Totally self, all the stuff he's done too. He's totally self deprecating. Yeah. Um,

yeah. It's interesting. I've been around those those those real assholes and i've seen them blow up in it and it's so funny when i was younger i remember thinking if i just had a little more of that squeaky wheel energy you know like that that energy that why not me like Like, how come fuck this guy? Get me in front of them. Like, Hey, Hey, I wish I could. I wish I could. I have never been the guy that comes up and was like, Adam, I got to be out of here in five. You either put me up now or I'm fucking not calling into bills next week. And you're like, I would love to be that guy.

I'm the guy in the back that's like, no, he's got a newborn. My kids are older. They're sleeping. I get it. Go ahead. No, it's not a problem. No, no, no. Look, if you're chasing pussy, pussy leaves at 1130. I get it. Go ahead. I'm already out. My night's a shot.

I don't mind. Like, I've always been the guy going. I remember one time a guy came in and, you know, did extra time that would come in and be like, I'm jumping on now. And I'm going to gonna do and he would do an hour right uh my age right like good good comic but he had that privilege that he could do an hour and i remember just being like not being an asshole just going like here you do it do you think you'll do an hour and he's like hey man like if i get up there and i'm feeling it maybe

and i was like oh i just want to know i'll go home. Like, I've got drop off in the morning. I have no problem just fucking getting a cold beer right now, getting in the car, fucking going home and getting a good night's sleep. But it was interesting

the energy around that the fucking at the time. I've never been that guy. I would love... I think that's, I think that is a bad move. I think if you have a stand-up special coming out and i have to do this but then i would apologize profusely to anybody i know i

wouldn't i would schedule the time but just in general to go down and burn the light is you are pissing off an entire the generation of comics behind you and they're gonna pass you this business is based on youth and newness they're gonna go past you so then when the time comes for you to play their uncle or their dad on the sitcom they'll be like you know what fuck that guy you should fucking come in lean on the mic stand for a fucking hour and bump me fuck that cocksucker or you could just it doesn't happen as much you could pop in and you do your 15 you get in you get out because the thing about it is is as a young when i was a young comic way back in the day if somebody popped in and they were a big comic i was psyched because i wanted to watch them but But after like 15, 20 minutes, then it's also like, I still

want to be able to do my spot. So I feel like if you pop in, you know, you don't bring the show down, you're still doing your thing and you try out your new shit in the middle, the Seinfeld way of doing it and then close them with the big money, you get the fuck out of there. People are like, they're not bummed that their night got pushed back 15 minutes they're psyched that they got to see somebody hopefully that they like and because i've never seen that like you know bobby i was living with bobby be like oh man you know chris rock popped in i was like fuck yeah you want to see it you want to see it and then be like how much time you're doing he was another guy he wasn't a guy that ever like went on and on and on and on and on and on

and on. Like he, he like had done the work at home and now was coming to try it out. And so you were learning. Rock is a really interesting guy to watch. Chris Rock is, I wish he was more approachable from guys at my level meaning like I would love to get I would love to get that guy on the podcast and talk about his process because his process is really fascinating in that he does all the work at home and then when

he takes it on there he pulls all the fucking razzle dazzle out of his act to find out what's funny knowing full well oh I can punch this up in in a theater and just it's almost like uh like it's like he's he's running with a weighted vest on is is that how yeah that's a style that people um someone's telling me what's his face johnny carson used to do that it was like you come up with a new joke he goes you just stand just stand there. Don't even move. Deliver it monotone. If it gets it laugh, that means it's funny. I mean, you can take it to extremes. But have you watched Chris on Fargo yet?

No. I watched the first two episodes. As a parent, it's a little hard to watch because of this sort of exchange thing that's going on. But it's the best acting i've seen uh chris do and it's uh really like interesting you know prohibition era okay here's the question here's the question then so like we i talked about your set your your bit with the two kids and how that kind of shifted the way. Chris Rock, his Bring the Pain was like a life-defining moment for me of going, oh my God, this is amazing.

This is what I want to do. Like that special was like, I've liked comedy my whole life, but that is what I want to do. That is the job. And the other one i'll say and and get yours ready because i'm coming to you the other one i've got to say is and there are more there are more than just this but kevin hart doing cedric and shaq's all-star comedy jam that

was one of the best sets i've ever seen a stand-up comedy because everyone went on before him was playing to the um culture of the crowd, meaning like, where are the real thugs at? Where are the real pimps at? Oh, who got their hair done today? You know, like, who sipped a little syrup tonight, huh? And then he walked up and said – I love how he kept going to those examples.

Like, I didn't get it the first time. Yeah. He walked up, and I'm sure I'm glazing over. I'm sure he said something probably to get over with the crowd. But I remember him just going up and going, I have two children. And I remember going, oh, my God. I bet there's a large group of people in here that have children also. He is also playing to – like, he doesn't need to go to what the obvious is he just is going to

what hey man this is who i am this is my joke this is my act and it's gonna and it was so funny that i literally like i remember and and all three of those just repositioning and going hold on like fuck man you can just do your act sometimes. Like, you don't need to pander to the room. You can just go up and go, my material speaks for itself and work on the material. So those are my three that I just brought up of like...

A skill set is, as a comic, is being able to recognize those things or whatever it is you do for a living, recognizing when you're seeing somebody showing you something, even though they're not, they're just doing what they do, but you can just learn by, by like watching somebody. What are your sets that you, where you kind of shifted your perspective and you're like, well, fuck man,

I had been doing it. I haven't seen it that way. Or like, what was the set you saw where you're like, that's where I want to be going. Like, like. I mean, my whole career, I can, I can name them almost in order. I saw Frank Santorelli at the, the old comedy connection on Warrington street. I saw him go up. And, and, and the host, they played this silly music and the host was dancing. So he came up and danced with it with a really serious look on his face.

It looked like a fucking music video. And it kind of just got the crowd into his vibe. And he just fucking murdered. I saw David Feldman there a few weeks later. And he had this whole hour was based on where he just kept going. And once elected your Fuhrer, he just kept referring to Adolf. And his jokes were just so amazing. Showed me a whole new level of joke writing. Then there was, I saw Brian Regan. These are all the Boston sets. Brian Regan came in.

And I remember all the comics were rushing through their sets from all parts of Massachusetts, New Hampshire, drive down to catch his late set at Nick's Comedy Stop. And just watching him, like, that is murdering. And that is a superstar. And then I would say I saw Chris Tucker when I was hanging with Patrice. Unknown Chris Tucker before Fridays came out. I saw him Sunday night at the Boston. Was life changing as far as just how free he was joe rogan aspen comedy festival

uh just wire to wire fucking murdering in the power of what he was doing um who else well there was a bunch and I went back. Oh, and then there was in the one night I always talk about when there was like three people in the crowd down at the Comedy Cellar

and I got to see Daryl Hammond, Gary Valentine. Oh, Gary Valentine. I saw like three people all go up and in different ways.

It was like a two top and a one. And they all, and I think it might have been Louis Black. And they all just handled it differently. I know I must have told this story. No. Darryl Hammond walked up. He's like, I'm Darryl Hammond. And it's literally.

And he walked up and he stood there looked at the two top and then looked at the one person there and then just threw his head back and went like and then he did his first joke and it killed but it was only three people laughing and after their laughs he just looked at them both and went and he just kept doing that so that became the thing was his jokes were great and he was killing but in between the jokes the people were laughing looking at each other knowing that no matter how much they laughed he was gonna fake cry after each one of them and how sad and miserable he was while making them laugh it was fucking hilarious and then he brought up great uh um great that's a gary valentine gary valentine went the opposite way he acted like those three people were three thousand

and he was in such like a like a know him, just that fun, silly energy. And he did the bit, you know, that when you get all the way down with the deodorant, when it's just down to the plastic but you still do it anyways. And I just remember him just full on just like, like screamed the top of his lungs. They were dying. And then I think it was Louis Black went up. It was the middle of the summer and it was Louis Black went up. It was the middle of the summer,

and it was hot as fucking hell, and his hair was, you know, the curly hair, but it was like sweated down here. He had the fucking sport coat and the tie, looking like a fucking, he looked like a teacher that was going to shoot his class up, and he just went up there, and he just started talking.

He was leaning against the wall, and he just started talking, and he got that talking. He was leaning against the wall and he just started talking and he got that finger going. And I'd never seen him. And he was just talking about how fucking hot and miserable it was taking this. I don't remember what he said. And it was just like. Yeah, I just watched these three comics murder three people. And I was sitting in the back like I

mean I was just hanging out I wasn't even passed at the cellar I was just hanging out in the back watching them and I remember leaving there fantasizing that I did it and wishing that I knew how to do that I can't wait to get in into these New York clubs so I could be the guy going up in front of three people and being able to handle it. Because I came from the Boston scene where, you know, there were paper in the room every night and there'd be 400 people and you'd be in there getting laughs. It sounded like a jet was landing. It was so jam-packed with people to go down to New York and all of a sudden have to deal with going onstage

to this silence was quite an adjustment. Gary Valentine. I used to work on a TV show with Gary Valentine, and he was like, Hey, I'm doing the Ice House. And I was fresh out of New York. I thought I knew everything about comedy. You know when you leave New York, you're like, I'm started in new york i've seen the best there is

gary valentine murdered i'd never seen someone murder for an hour like that that was a big difference murdered i mean like to the point it looks like he's having the time of his life too yeah i opened for him in vegas the the old harris when they had the improv which i heard just closed but i i worked for him there and he was uh he just fucking murdered all week and then also was like ridiculously fun to hang out with like it didn't stop honest he didn't he did like that thing where i was sitting there and he was just talking he goes yeah but you know I forgot my sparkly purple pants and I was like what

and all of a sudden this guy walked past me with sparkly purple pants I'm doing like a spit take he was just doing that dumb shit just doing that dumb shit the whole time I was like it was like he was so cool it was like he did a show before the show I'll tell you a good gary valentine story

this is my favorite gary well i have a million but this is a good gary valentine story so we worked on this show and then on thursdays we got we had off we didn't have to work fridays so thursday night me him scott henry and mike burton are all hanging out with the whole cat they're all comics for people listening uh they're the whole cast of the're all comics for people listening. The whole cast of the show, we're all partying. And Gary just goes, Burtzki, let's go to Vegas. And we're like, and I'm like, let's go. And we're like, Scott, you want to go to Vegas? And he's like, let's go.

And we say to Mike Burton, you want to go to Vegas? And he goes, we got spots this weekend. I'm like, I fuck your spots. Let's go to Vegas. And he goes, I can't. And Gary's like, come on, Burton. It'll be fun. Four guys, road trip out tonight scott

hasn't started drinking we'll drink the whole ride out we'll party we'll gamble it'll be great and burton's like i don't want to go and he's like god damn it burton come on man we're like no and gary goes all right i'll tell you what i'm gonna go back to santa monica get all my shit you guys get all your shit on me with scott and mike's mike try guys try to get mike to change his mind and we're like we'll try so going to get my shit mike burton goes you know what fuck my spots i'm going to vegas and i say you know what would be funny we'll pack my truck and we'll put all the clothes on top of you in the back and when we're halfway to vegas you pop out and surprise gary and go ta-da i'm coming and it'll make him lose his mind. And he's like, you think?

And we're like, brilliant. So we get my car. We go over to Scott and Burton's. They get their shit. We cover up Mike Burton with all the luggage. We put the beers next to him. So what we're going to say is, hey, Gary, grab a beer from the back.

And he's going to turn around, grab a beer, see him, and go, hey, you're coming. It'll be a great surprise. So we're waiting. I mean, we're waiting like 15 minutes for Gary to pull up. Finally, his car pulls up, opens the door and he goes, no Burton. And we're like, nah, he's not going. He gets in, shuts the door and he goes, you know what?

Fuck that guy. And we're like, what? He goes, let me tell you what's wrong with him. And I would never say this to him, but this is what's wrong with him and i'll say this about his car i'm going to tell you what's wrong with this we're like this we're going like this and slowly we see mike burton sit up out of the back seat and just sit there listening and gary's going off and we can't get a word in edgewise we haven't even left we haven't even left bill we're still in front of the book now all of of a sudden, I go, hey, Gary, can you grab me a beer?

And he goes, sure thing, Burtzke. Turns around, sees Burton, comes back, leans up to the front two seats. He goes, when were you going to tell me he was in the car? Oh, that fucking, oh, man. Did Burton laugh? He did we we started driving then him and gary i think talked talked out whatever the fuck gary had said which was just that the truth was that he didn't fucking come along that's all it is and and the truth is and i will say this mike burton is is as i've my as long as i've ever known that guy, and I don't see him now, because I think he's not doing comedy anymore,

but he was the funniest fucking human being you could ever be around. Everything in his life was hilarious. Everything that happened to him was fucking hilarious. Share a story. Just that story is the bottom of the barrel of the fucking hilarious stuff.

And I think that's what Gary was trying to say, like he's so fucking funny and and and there are guys like that that are just the funnest to be around the fucking funniest and sometimes for whatever bad habits you get on stage it doesn't translate and i think that's what gary was saying and and anyone would say that burton he was fucking hilarious but man gary valentine gary valentine i remember sitting gary valentine introduced me to um guacamole i never had guacamole before i was 27 years old he's like kevin just got a full like a a hd kevin kevin james is his brother for anyone listening kevin just got an h television, like fucking 70-inch. Back in the day, this is like 2001, right?

And he's like, we're going to watch the Jets game or whatever. We're going to watch the game. Why don't you come out? So we go over. And I think maybe not everyone knows this, but Kevin is a very quiet, borderline shy dude. He's not a very boisterous dude. He's not a big drinker. He's not like, he's just a pretty like mild mannered, very friendly, not an asshole.

Just doesn't he's a, you know, he's a regular person. He's not whatever. And so the whole time I'm in his house, I'd never had guacamole and I'm losing my mind over guacamole. Like I've never had it. I'm fucking freaking out and I'm killing beers and I'm like my mind over guacamole. Like, I've never had it, and I'm fucking freaking out, and I'm killing beers, and I'm, like, the loudest guy in the fucking room. And you can see Kevin just kind of staring at me like, who the fuck is this guy?

I mean, he knew who I was, obviously, but he was like... And at one point that night, all I remember is being drunk as fuck and staring at Kevin, and Kevin said, man, I think you'd have a lot more fun in life if you were me. And I went, Kevin, if you gave me the opportunity to have your success, I would be a fucking blast. He was like.

But Kevin, Gary Valentine, I would argue, I would argue Kevin James is an amazing comedian, but Gary Valentine makes me laugh hard as fucking shit I was just gonna say the two of them well I'm trying to think of

brother comics there's a few of them out there like that's two of the best the two of the best man the two of them they might have the belt and you know Brian and Dennis Regan

Kevin James Gary Valentine trying to think who else. Guy and Joe Torre. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Waynes. Yeah. Waynes.

I'm an idiot. Kevin and Neil Brennan. They fucking hate each other. It's amazing that there's Hatfields and McCoys within the family. That's a shame. They'll work it out. I hope they work it out. I love both of those guys.

Yeah. Yeah, man. I'll tell you, the last thing I'll say about the – I forget their real net last names, the Fitz or something. Their last name is a weird name. You put out a lot of information. their last name is a weird name you put out a lot of information but uh but kevin james affected the way i spent money because i remember i remember i got i got this television show i was making five grand a week and the first thing i did is i bought the most expensive fucking expedition Ford made.

Like it was, I dropped coin on it. I was like, bam, moved up to a house in the hills. Cecil B. DeMille's old place, three stories. I mean, I was living large. I was like, yes. I remember going over to Kevin. It's never going to end. It's just, sign me up, sign me up.

But I remember going over to gary and kevin's to watch tv and when they lived and and kevin is on a sitcom he's on the king of queens at the time and it's a hit everyone knows king of queens gary's on my tv show and i remember going to their apartment and it was a very modest two bedroom apartment in a apartment complex on like, like in the middle of like Culver city, like it wasn't like super fancy. And Kevin was driving probably a 10 year old Jeep Cherokee. And I remember saying like, why don't you have a nice car?

Like, you're not, not realizing that I'm saying that, but saying like, you have tons of money. How come you don't have the nicest things in the world and he was like well you never know it's gonna go away and i remember being like what are you talking about you're the king queen it's like what like i can look in people and find out how much money you make you're making a ton of money

and he just was very modest and i and that shifted i remember when everything went away like you lose all the money and you start i remember when i started getting things going like what would kevin some guy driving your exhibition back down the street you had to sell it to him you lost like 15 grand on it i love that thing man kevin yeah i used to think when i get a car one of a car kevin kevin james is driving right now ell Elliot Gould was the same way, by the way. Elliot Gould drove a very modest car. And I kept thinking, I remember asking that to Bobcat Goldthwait. I go, what car do you drive? And he was like, why do you ask that? I was like, I don't know. Like, I know you have money, but like, you don't seem like a guy that cares about cars. And he was like, that's a great question. And then we ended up talking about all the, he used to buy vintage

cars because that's what he liked more. And his brother was a biker. I will tell you, having a nice car is overrated. Having a reliable car, underrated. Overrated, nice car, because now you've limited where you can go. You've got to worry about the thing. Where is it going to be? There's going to be people opening the door into it. I don't know. but i've never been one

to buy uh i'll buy a nice car i won't buy a super super expensive by the way i got did you see the picture i sent you on instagram i i did uh yeah that caddy that thing yeah that caddy with jay the best part is jay says uh you know, we're doing Jay's Garage. I'm not, I don't think I'm giving anything away. Jay's Garage is a show. And Jay goes, I think, you know, I think it would be funny if I were to just, you know, I give this big, like,

this guy was a party animal and he's, and now he's doing drive-ins and, you know, we were gonna get him in here the only way acceptable. He's in the trunk. And I was like, you want me to get in the trunk of the car? And he was like, yeah, you know, get, I'll get you in the trunk. That's how people used to sneak people into the drive-ins back in the trunk. And I was like, you want me to get in the trunk of the car? And he was like, yeah, you know, I'll get you in the trunk. That's how people used to sneak people into the drive-ins back in the day.

I'm claustrophobic. And he's like, come on, hop in. So they open it. And Bill, this is the first generation I'm imagining of the trunk that you don't slam, the trunk that you shut, and it goes, and vacuum seals itself. And all I'm thinking is that technology is fucking 50 years old and i'm trusting that this key is going to open it so i get in the back of the trunk and i'm i'm not in a position this isn't my tv show so i can't be like hey guys when i get

in the trunk we just know that i need to get the fuck out of the trunk ASAP. Like, I'll do it, but we can't do it. It's not my show, so I get in the trunk and I get... Is that good? What? You could have just said, listen, I'm not trying to be a diva. I'm just super claustrophobic. So whatever time, the second you have the shot, if somebody could let me out of this, I would appreciate it.

I get in the trunk and I realize I haven't really established any ground rules, and I can hear them. So, Jay, we want you to get back in the car. You can't shut the door. And I'm just in the back going, someone speed this up. Someone speed this up. So I hear Jay get in the car.

I hear Jay come to the back and he fumbles with the keys a little bit. And I'm like, oh, God. Oh, God, please, please, please. I mean, literally, Bill, like 10 seconds feels like a minute and a half. Pops it open. I get out. I'm like, great. So then we get done. please please i mean literally bill like 10 seconds feels like a minute and a half pops it open i get out i'm like great so then we get done the whole interview it's a great interview jay is fucking awesome he's the sweetest guy in the world and he's like all right okay and he ended up doing a spot on at the rose bowl and we get ready to leave and the director goes so we missed you

getting out of the trunk can i get you back in the trunk? And I'm like, God damn it. So I spent what you fear, man. This has been a great podcast. I feel like I talked too much at the end. But this is a great podcast, Bill. I think I talked too much in the beginning. I let you I let you talk. No, no, this was awesome, man. Um, all right. Well, have I just want you to know that on Tuesday, when everyone's voting, someone is also having a birthday, and it's me. Oh, happy birthday! My wife is going to have a party, and everyone's like, we're definitely not coming. We have no interest in coming to your backyard at your new house, staying socially distant with no TV there, and not watching the election. They're like, we'll do it on Thursday. I was like, my birthday's on Tuesday.

So I'm sitting by myself on Tuesday night. Super Tuesday. Super Tuesday. Well, happy birthday. Thanks. I'll have to smoke a cigar with you this week. All right.

That's it, everybody. We just went down memory lane, talked all kinds of stuff. I think there was a lot of stuff people maybe could, could learn that you treat everybody the same like shit no you treat them nice all right there you go that's another wonderful episode of the bill Thank you.