The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 37 w. Mike Young

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle with Mike Young about street deals, Detroit, and prank phone calls.Mike's new special, 'Who the F is Mike Young' will be available on All Things Comedy's YouTube Channel on November 16th.

Hey, what's going on everybody? And now it is time for another wonderful episode of the Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. I like you with a mustache, Bill. Oh, yeah? Thank you.

You look good with a mustache. It makes you look younger, if that sounds possible. I don't know what it does, but it's there on my face, and the beard will be catching up soon. Are you getting ready for a role? Huh? Are you getting ready for a role? No, I did one day on something they wanted

like a different sort of look. You know, my head's a nice blank slate for people to create off of. Here's my question. I've seen Bill in many looks. I've seen you lose weight in a week, new mustache. You know what's fucking hilarious?

Oh, by the way, the great Mike Young is our guest here. You know what's funny is I had the exact same look for like the first like 40 years of my life. And then once I shaved my head, then I was like, oh, let me do this. Let me do that. You know, just I also started to get a little bit of acting work so I'm a big fan of wigs I love them yeah they just put them on you like oh my god who's this guy this guy's an asshole I like this guy so anyway let's let's get into it Mike Young has a new

special up correct correct what is the name of it the name of it it's called who the f is mike young there we go coming out on all things comedy your your your house that's right we're gonna blow it up thanks for having me your next special is gonna be how the did you not know who mike young is mike is this your first special this is my first special shut the fuck up it's gonna be a banger you know what burt it's my first i was on that comedy path with everybody with all you guys like we were doing the young american tour and then when i started to get when i started to do like directing and stuff, I got off the standup path and I, it actually bummed me out. You know what I mean?

Like it bummed me out that I kind of got taken out of it for a minute. Cause I didn't have like, I just didn't have like the discipline to compartmentalize well. So I wasn't able to like. Hey, you know who else got sidetracked doing directing shit and all that? Louis CK. And I remember looking at him going, what the fuck is that guy doing? And then all of a sudden he hits as a comedian when he goes back.

And then he also knows how to write and direct. It was like, oh, this guy learned the whole thing. So it's not a bad thing. It's not like you went off and was like just doing drugs and drinking and just stopped doing stand-up. You went out and you learned another part of the business. No, Mike is the cleanest living dude in the world. Like, he'll do debaucheries, but his debauchery is some tequila, and that's it.

And then it's broccoli, lean chicken. I feel like I know so much about Mike. Mike was the first guy I met at the store Lean chicken. I feel like I know so much about Mike. Mike was the first guy I met at the store that I, for whatever reason, that I felt comfortable being friends with. Like, me letting your guard down and, like, I don't know why. But, like, everyone else, you know, like, I love Sebastian, but Sebastian's such a character, like, just who he is,

that you don't know if you're becoming his friend or not. You're just like, you're like, am I part of the bit like is this a bit but mike for whatever reason we got and i i know so many mike young stories i'll say this though we were talking last week about how influences that i've had from comic and bill is one of my biggest influences and watching. Oh, what not to do. Oh, shit. But Mike Young, Mike Young has a joke that made me change the way I write because it was a joke that it was like, the joke was the punchline was just so real, you know it happened.

And I was like, oh, sometimes if you make something so real, you can smell it, you can taste it, then that is the funniest thing. You know what joke it is, Mike? No, but thank you, Bill. The joke is one of my favorite jokes. You ever have that kid growing up who whenever you wanted to do something mischievous, he always wanted to take it too far, and you're like, oh, this guy's going to be a psychopath.

And you're like, hey, guys, let's go TP Brenda's house. He's like, yeah, and then we'll kidnap her fat dad. Yes. By the way, that is based in truth, Burt. That is one of my boys. Yeah, man, I grew up outside Detroit. So to say that I don't have shady friends that did real shit, you know, thanks for saying that, though.

The way you tell stories is so vivid it's so and i maybe it's just from spending as much time with you as i did but the i mean i remember one of the most touching stories was when your dad was dying and uh and he was afraid that he didn't leave you anything so he wanted to teach you the business so you put you put him you put him in the back of a car, and he made you drive to all these junk. What was it, junk? Yo, my family, we were in the scrap metal business.

So my dad was a scrap peddler. So, I mean, if you want the short version, my dad's got like a week to... It's sad, but it's real. My dad had about a week to live and he was in the bed. He was on oxygen. The chemo wasn't working. It was pancreatic cancer.

It was all bad, just all bad. But he was, you know, he still had to keep business going without letting all, scrap metal was like an underworld business in Detroit. So like people, vultures would come at you if they thought you weren't gonna be around. So my dad is like, Michael, get in the room. Come in here. And he calls me into the room, and he's like,

tell your brother to go start the car. And so my brother goes out, and he starts the car. My dad's like, go in your mom's closet and get the shoe box. And I go, and I get a shoe box. And he's like, take $15,000 out of the shoe box and put it in an envelope. And I put, I didn't even know there was a shoe box. I knew my dad was like in the cash world. Cause there was always like hundreds around.

I could always take some cash. And he was always cursing the government. Fuck these guys. They're always pinching me for a penny. Fuck them. I always knew it was like some kind of a street business. And I take $15,000. I put it in an envelope.

My brother's outside with the car. My dad's on oxygen. He goes, he's like, I'm going to get in the back of the car. You get in the car with your brother. Don't tell anybody I'm in the car. I don't want these guys to see me. You're going to go to the scrapyard, which is on 8 Mile, like the famous 8 Mile. We go down to the scrapyard on eight mile. He's like, you're going

to go inside and you're going to see Vern. And like Vern was like this old Italian guy, short, squatty. He just like, he's like the first person you see when you get your scrap weighed, like they weigh it and then they pay you for it. So I go in. I got the money in. I got an envelope of $15,000. I'm 19 years old. I walk in, and there's Vern. And he's like, how's it going? And he knew my dad was sick, but he didn't know how serious it was. He's like, how's your dad?

I didn't tell him that my dad was in the car. I said, you know, it's not good, but thank you, you know, blah, blah, blah. Vern, he hands me a hard hat like a yellow hard hat like we're about to go into a construction zone he goes put this on i put the construction hat on he puts the construction hat on he fucking walks me out to like the the scrapyard like the outside part of it where there's cranes lifting cars into a smash compactor where fucking jimmy hoff is disappearing there's mounds of brass and new steel everywhere. It's loud. And we're just kind of like talking like maybe five feet apart.

And he's like, okay, now. And I just give him the money. He stuffs it down his pants. Like he like puts it in the front of his pants. And he's like, let's go back in. And basically, I just always took that story as kind of two things I was like first my dad was still like handling business knowing that he wasn't gonna be here a week later and it was also his way of letting me know that if God if we keep this business going when he's gone you have to make sure that you always pay Vern if you're going to get the brass. Because brass was worth 90 cents a pound back then. And that was like a huge thing.

And we would be driving around with like tons of brass in the back of a dump truck. I'd be driving a dump truck at fucking 15 years old, unloading brass in the scrapyard. And that was just like, that was like a testament to like what my, like my dad was already, he was already thinking like, make sure the family's okay. This is how business is done. It was like a relay handoff. But what were you, I'm an idiot.

What'd you give him the 15 grand for? Because every month, I mean, there's not even anybody around and I'm like scared to say this out loud, but like every month was a brass pickup, right? So scrap metal, all the deals were handshake deals. No, there was no contract. This was Vern would call my dad once a month and he would say, Sam, the brass is ready. Come at 4.30 in the morning before anybody gets here. And he, my dad would go and we collect all the brass. And it was like at a stamping plant type of place. And like, you know, we dealt with the automotive industry. So if they stamp out like a sink piece, the scrap balls around it, it's all brass.

And he would give us the heads up basically once a month. And because he gave us the heads up, my dad just always gave him, call it a tip, call it, you know, I never saw Vern say you have to give me this. It was just, i think my dad always made sure because my that at that time in the you know scrap metal if you had a good load of brass you're getting 22 23 000 in cash in one day so i think that was just my dad's way of going here's 10 boom keep it rolling was that that world too where like you'd

fucking go to sleep and then you'd wake up and if you had aluminum siding on the side of your house someone had taken the whole side of your house off to go bring it down yo so that's like the hood version of that world my dad was like a little by the way my dad if he saw aluminum on the side of the road he's pulling the fuck over and he's getting it too. He was a hustler. But, yeah, that's that world. Scrap metal is like there's value in junk. So my dad would walk around with like this little like magnet all the time.

You know what that kills me? Just living out here in L.A. They have some amazing homes out here and if there's if there's a really old one and some young kid would come in and want to flip the house these guys are taking all this stuff out acting like it's junk and then they take it down to downtown LA and there's the old door plays there's the the fixtures ones with the handles and the hinges this the bathroom stuff, all of that. Like I went down there, like on my house, you know, I bought an old house with a lot of character, which means it was a piece of shit, refurbishing all of that.

And I went down and I thought I had this unique piece of, it was made out of brass, all in one piece door handle thing. And I restored the whole thing down you know where I got it back where it was shiny used that brasso and all that and took the whole thing out when I went down there one time to try and find pieces I went down and saw three of the exact same door handles that I had going for about 750 bucks each and I was like wow but I also after that i paid attention to when people were redoing they would redo these houses and these builders were making two two times money the stuff they were taking out and selling acting like they were throwing it out to the flipper and then they come in with this home

depot 100 there's a famous story too of, there was an amazing craftsman house in like Pasadena, and some heartless fuck bought it, and whatever he paid for the house individually, everything that was in it, just like the lights alone were worth more than what he paid, he took it all out, sold it, and then just threw Home Depot shit in there and people who loved the house found out about it. And whatever the name of the house was, it was called the Rape of the Something Something House. Some celebrity bought it and then spent a bunch of money having to rebuy all that stuff to put it back on. It was one of the most like, like how much are you just into money those

heartless people um but i should have gotten over that it's fascinating yeah it shows you nobody wants to do the dirty work though like that scrap world is like that's those are the people who don't mind picking up the scraps like it's a mentality right and they're making a ton of money and they're usually people who have cash in the bank. And they never, they're not like high profile. They're not about flashy shit. They're like the millionaire next door. You know what I mean?

They're willing to do the dirty work. And it pays off. Well, I read this book one time. They were talking about Al Capone. And all the smart mobsters thought he was a fool. Walking around with this canary yellow suit, going on TV when he became like a celebrity. And all like the smart ones actually were taking their scams and gradually becoming legal. Of course. Like, if you're a thief, your business model, if you're going to be successful and get out of jail,

you eventually have to get to the legal side of stealing. So then you don't have to hide your money. Because if you look at like banks and everything, that's just loan sharking. It's all the same game. And then people are like, well, a bank doesn't have to break your legs. It's like they don't have to because now what they're doing is legal. They can just use paperwork. A loan shark breaks your fucking legs because what he's doing is not backed up by a governmental body.

But it's all the lottery, banking, all of that shit is just street scams made legal. But then the banker can drive down the street. Look at this brand new flashy car. And then the gangster's got to have the shit in the walls. And it gets annoying, like, man, I could buy that car 10 fucking times, but I can't or I'm going to jail. I want to be on the legal side of lying and stealing, which is the corporate side. That's crazy that you say that, because where I got that joke about my friend who's like, say that because one of them where i got that joke about my friend who's like then we'll kidnap her fat dad that kid went into the illegal world for his whole life he's my you know best friend growing

up he decided just to take that route but cut to he's 48 years old now whatever and he's like mike i got all this money i got i don't know what to do with it i can't even move i can't do anything like so just like you were saying, they want to make that. This is a fictitious friend that he's talking about in a script that he's. I just don't want him to show up. By the way, you're right. Hey, Mikey, who's this friend you know? I'll never say his name, but we've all got the friend.

Oh, my God. I'm just saying, you've got to get over to the legal side of things. But, Bill, you're 1,000% right. The banks are loan sharks, and they don't do it by breaking your legs. They just ruin your life slowly. They just make your life. Yeah, from day one, like that first credit card you got when you were 18, 19, 20, the credit limit that they give you versus what they want back, they just want to get you on the hook.

And if you pay them off every month, it actually hurts your credit because they're projecting. If you pay off a mortgage early, that hurts your credit. They consider it a loss because they look at it like, okay, if this guy takes 30 years, we're going to get back two and a half times on average what we loaned out. So if you paid off before then, and they front end load the interest, so you don't even have like, oh, I paid it off in 20 years. You paid off in 20 years, you maybe saved like 10%. You paid off, you got to be on the other side of that 15. I can't remember. I sort of, when I first got my house. You paid off all your houses. Oh, you did. I remember that was one of the first things you said when you came to the house. You said, we were redoing it. And you go, how much do

you owe on it? A lot? And I went, I said, yeah, a lot. And you go, pay it off, Bert. Pay it off. We were sitting out front. You go, pay it off. And then they don't got anything on you. You can tell whatever joke you want because you got a house. Yeah, and then I was going to get into it. Thank God I didn't. I was going to get into real estate, which I know people who own rental properties, and right now, I mean, what are you going to do?

It's a fucking pandemic. People aren't working. Yeah. And I got a buddy of mine. He's like, dude, I bought a building. He goes, nobody's paying rent What the fuck do I do now, but he still owes? The money you know so I remember one foot was a time one point going

But if I just bought a bunch of you know just gradually built like you're playing Monopoly What if I just started buying little strip malls in the middle of the night. I'm going to buy fucking strip malls. Dude, it's like, you know, fantasizing, like 10, 12 years ago, whatever. And now to see what Amazon alone has done to giant malls. I think a strip mall, you might still be okay with. You got a restaurant,

even if that's a risky place, but you got to have like the place that does your taxes, a cool restaurant, like hot chicken places, for some reason, are popping up all over the place that does your taxes a cool restaurant like hot chicken places for some reason are popping up all over the place quick easy food yeah i kind of like i i'm fascinated with that whole world but i also know that i don't know shit about it so that's brilliant that's brilliant that that there is i bet there is a mathematics to a successful strip mall there is there's got to

be like you need a donut shop you need um you need a hair so like a like I bet there's a way to think of I worked in commercial real estate for one summer in college I came home to Michigan my dad's friend owned strip little strip malls my job was to go take pictures of all the little strip malls and then go to, like, city council or the city hall, find out, like, what they paid for the strip mall and just kind of build, like, a portfolio. But there is a thing. There is, like, a science.

Just what you were saying, Bill. Like, a tax place next to a subway, next to a chicken wing spot, next to a massage parlor kills it. It's like you come out tired, you get your chicken wings, you handle your taxes, you go home. There is a true flow to that for sure. I knew a guy, his thing was Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's, when he found out a Trader Joe's was going into a neighborhood,

before he did the same thing, he would find out what was going. The second it got zoned to do that, he would try and buy something in that area. He'd be like, this area is going to blow up. Trader Joe's is going to be all the young, like, hey, man, fucking white people are going to move into that area. And it's officially like, because that's the big stalemate in these neighborhoods it's like well i moved there but there's no there's no place there's no grocery store the grocery store is like well we're not going to go in there unless there's people that are going to buy the food i just find the whole gentrification argument funny that it's sort of like like only people who aren't white are getting pushed out. Like

they don't understand that those white people coming in also got pushed out. Like everybody is getting slid over. It's not necessarily white people going like, oh my God, let's go in and ruin your neighborhood. It's like, no, I can't afford the white shit where I was. I wasn't white enough for where I was at. Totally. So now I'm coming down here. They tried it in Detroit. I mean, Detroit was being, you know, gentrification was going on big five, eight years ago.

It was going in the right direction, but still they were feeling like the gentrification situation. A lot of the people in the city were getting pushed out. It wasn't a good look. Whole Foods, just like Whole Foods came in, posted up shop. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction. And then this pandemic hit. And now Detroit is almost like back to a ghost town.

Like it's back. This is what I don't get, understand about racism. Other than it's fucking ignorant is at the end of the day, money is the number one thing that people chase after. So my thing is, I feel like corporations

have reached maximum density as far as how they can exploit like white neighborhoods. Okay, they pretty much destroyed all the main streets. They pretty much destroyed as far as how they can exploit white neighborhoods. Okay, they pretty much destroyed all the main streets, they pretty much destroyed all the mom and pop places, they put their big superstore down and they're fucked. It's like, what is it about them that they didn't see what Magic Johnson did

where it's just like, when he put his theaters down in black neighborhoods, they they thrive. Like what is it about that like and why you wouldn't invest in non-white neighborhoods and get them running on the same fucking wheel. You got white people running, get them a cubicle and then you get a position, you wear a Michael J. Fox tie and then you buy a new car and then you're a position, you wear a Michael J. Fox tie, and then you buy a new car, and then you're on the hook, and you're done. Why they would ignore 40, 50, 60 million people that they could, like, make money off of. Yeah.

I don't get that. Right. And historically, like, you put a theater in a black neighborhood, they're going to see the movies. Shit's thriving, right? So why wouldn't, like, in Detroit, they closed. They didn't even put a theater in there. They closed the theater.

It didn't happen. And a lot of the black people in Detroit are pissed. They're like, fuck you. We love to get out, and we would be out spending our money doing our shit, but now you've got this shit flipped upside down with a bunch of hipsters on bicycles and fucking fake art students, and, like, we don't even have our academics now. Well, there's all this, like, preaching on both sides of the aisle.

If I learned anything over, like, the last last 15 20 years of all of this bullshit it's just like the government is not your parent you know what I mean and you just can't be like mom welcome you didn't fix it's like regular people have to what I'm talking about is like right like why am I saying corporations have to do that like regular people should invest in these types of things and like just watching every city that i'm watching like seeing these tense cities seeing people like mental problems like just walking down the highway yeah like two times this week i actually called nine not two times this month i called 9-1-1 because someone was walking down the fucking highway having an argument with nobody. It's like they're going to get hit.

And I always think that's somebody's brother, sister, whatever. Yeah. So I just, you know, and then I hope that when the cops get there that, you know, nothing goes bad. You just hope. But you can't just have somebody going down the street. But I think there's been like a real like, I don't know. We're not viewing each other as fellow countrymen right now. That's the message.

That's the message that's not getting out, which is a bummer. It's like I hate to be preachy like love is the answer, but I grew up in a mixed neighborhood straight up like black white middle eastern punk rock rock and roll I was in seventh grade when the busing system changed in Southfield Michigan all the black kids from Detroit got bused into our school and it was like we were all just playing ball having fun it was like the most fun. And we all remain friends to this day. And my little core group of friends are still like, yo, why are people not getting, like,

obviously I don't have the fucking big answer. Nobody does. Nobody does. But you know what's great about the internet is everybody thinks they have the answer. I know I have the answer. But like, just being friends, it's almost like what Chappelle said on SNL.

It's almost like give a crackhead some ice cream. Just fucking be cool with your brothers out here because people in the streets, they can sense BS all day long. And just like you're not the one. I hate to say it like this, but like Bill, me and you, Bert, we're not the ones pretty much that we're not getting shot if we're not doing dirt like we're not we're there's barry gordy's house that looks like a fucking shopping mall

is literally there's a bowling alley in it it was for sale for 250 000 and i was like two i gotta get this Like, how is no one buying this house? And everybody's like, the neighborhood. Everyone's like, the neighborhood, the neighborhood. And these houses are so beautiful. They look like the nicest houses in Bel Air that are in Detroit. And I'm thinking to myself, I'll take the bullet. Like, if it's in the thigh or like the calf, I'll be the one to test the neighborhood.

How are you going to let a giant mansion, and it's this mentality that's gone across the country of this fear. There's like this fear. And it's like the most, it's called Palmer Woods. It's like the nicest neighborhood still kept up. I think a lot of that's going to change as far as like, I think out of this pandemic, this is totally just shithead who doesn't read theory here.

I just think that like with all of this Zoom technology and how used to this that we've gotten, like Bert, I can't even remember doing this fucking podcast sitting next to you. Like this, to me, this is what the podcast is. I think that it's going to open up people, the ability of people to just live in all of these states they would never entertain.

Different cities are going to start to blow up. And I think with the presidential election, you might see states that used to be blue go red and go like the other way as far as like just sort of a shuffling of people. Because I got to be honest with you, when those fires were going out here in LA, I was definitely, I was looking at some places

and I came on this place in fucking Memphis, Tennessee. Dude, it was like 20,000 square feet. It had, I think I talked to Bert about this, the fucking, it had an indoor pool. It looked like, if you saw like the fake plants and shit around it, it looked like those holiday inns from the 1980s. You'd see a big family come down after they piled out of a station wagon. It had an indoor basketball court and it was up on a hill with this view and they wanted like 2.7 million dollars for which is a lot of money but 20,000 square fucking feet in the indoor pool out where I live is a hundred

million dollar house no and I'm sitting there looking at my wife going like the fuck are we doing here I can zoom all of my meetings the amount of money that I will save by living out there. But the thing about it is, it's not fair to my family if they don't want to live there, because even if I'm not totally into the place, which actually, it wasn't Memphis, I'm sorry, it was Chattanooga. I still get to leave and do gigs. Hey, I'm doing Dallas this weekend. I'm not going to stay. I'm going to do these fun-ass fucking cities,

and then they're going to be sitting there in Chattanooga, and I'm wondering, like, what is that going to be like? Especially for my wife. Yeah, I'm wondering, like, what is that going to be like? But for people who aren't in that situation, I think there's going to be a lot of that. Like people are going to be moving to places they never thought that they could move to and survive

and they'll actually be able to continue doing their business. This is such a weird, this is like it's becoming a real estate podcast. I think office space is going to plummet. Oh, yeah, this is like, it's becoming a real estate podcast. I think office is going to plummet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go buy it up. Chrysler, when we were on tour, when we were on tour back in the day,

I used to, because, you know, I know you have this, you're like the wild guy. You're so crazy. But I met your parents. I met your father. They're like the nicest together people. You come from good stock so whatever you take your shirt off while you want i know what's really going on

but i i felt like comedians if we had any fucking brains back in the day we'd have been like looking at real estate because we could have just checked on our property every six months. But we're too busy getting drunk and waking up and missing radio. Like we had no brains for that. But I used to think like comedians looked around, we could have tons of properties. Totally. You know, a long time ago, like in 04, I was working Hilarities in Cleveland. And he was the only show in town on that. He had the Indians, the Cavs, and the Browns.

The people would come in for that, and the game would be over, and they left. It was a fucking ghost town. They used to have to, like, security, after you did your show that night, would walk you over to Euclid Avenue and whatever haunted-looking hotel you were sitting at. I remember one night sitting there across the street was this giant fucking apartment building. And you could just feel like, I was like, this is going to turn around. And I remember saying Jason Lawhead was still in Cleveland. I said to him, I said, if I had any fucking money, I would buy that thing. And here we are,

what is it? 16 years later, that street now looks like the beginning of the Bullwinkle show. All lit up. And it's a whole scene. There's like a fucking hard rock cafe is there. And I looked at that building. It's all refurbished. And I mean, it would have been like tens of millions of dollars to do it. But I was a huge Rust Belt real estate sort of buff looking around going, there's a great fucking building there. Look at that house, all of that shit. I kind of used Pittsburgh as a sort of a measuring stick where I saw what was happening in downtown Pittsburgh. And then I was looking at Buffalo and I'm looking at Cleveland. I was looking at Detroit.

And it's unfortunate if COVID did that because I know that the guy who owns the Cavaliers went in and bought like, you could buy like a skyscraper for like a hundred grand in Detroit, something stupid like that. You could buy it. But then of course you've got to rewire it and do all the plumbing on 70 floors. I don't know. Here's what I want to buy.

My dream has always been those motels on State Road 60 going into Clearwater. Like back in the 60s, when you'd come on vacation with your family, you'd find a nice motel about a mile from the beach. But you still have to drive. But those old school motels that was like, you know, a nice motel about a mile from the beach, but you still have to drive. But those old school motels, it was like, you know, that you almost see in like every movie now

where that's where someone gets murdered. I wanted to buy those and figure out a way to turn them into something. And they're all over. No, but if you redid those things, and you did them and they had that old school sort of look about them, but you could also still plug your iPhone in and everything,

sort of do, like, a Restomod type of thing and have, like, cool lighting and a sick-ass bar in there, and you could actually make it a place. If you could get a liquor license and you had a really cool bar there and then the rooms was were really cool too but also dude if you give some fucking young kid they got the little rotary phone thing there and the uh that's called the front desk i don't know as a nerd i would be into that shit i love it knows i love the bones what's that that's some cool retro shit if you got the yellow phone yeah you just come up with

that and all you need is just like what like the bar and then one other some sort of activity i think that you could maybe make something like that happen let's do it a real estate tour first of all i'll tell you right now i'm my my purchase that i was literally going to do, I was going to buy a drive-in just outside Nashville because it was $400,000. And I thought I could turn this into a badass amphitheater. Like turn it, like if you, I think we talked about this, Bill. If you turned it into the Grove, like you took all the stuff we know now

about how they do up these shopping malls and you made like a awesome outdoor amphitheater where like people could come, stay outside, see shows, do music, do comedy. I mean, and now I know so much about that space that I was like, I could build it up so that it was stadium seating, parking's fucking there.

And I was obsessed with that. And then my wife's like, my dad's got a saying. He tells me, he goes, buddy, there's a lot of shit you don't know about. Whatever reason you know how to tell a joke, just stick with the stuff you know how to do. He was like, you don't have to do it. I'm a big believer in that. Because I was just sitting there going, there goes all birth births i didn't wear a shirt fucking money you're gonna learn this i can't imagine once you

break ground on shit like it's like dude just buying a house the shit that you didn't know like what what is that tax what the fuck is this i mean i mean here and explain to me the difference between my shit and cricket shit this is the type of stuff that you learn when you fucking well that's old that's old shit and that those right there I know it looks like rodent drop that's a cricket it's like that old fire bit that I'm That old Richard Pryor bit. That old Richard Pryor bit. Everything's $500 when you get a house. Yeah. When we did, when I started making a little money, I got approached to start a liquor company.

And I'm like, all right, I go to my dad and he goes, well, there's one thing you know about, it's booze. He's like, you know, that's right. He goes, I'm telling you, he goes, I would be a little skeptical. Everything seems a little too good to be true. But if you're into it. So I was going to buy, I was going to buy packet it. You know, like those vitamin C packs you pour in things.

It was packet vodka. So it was a little packet vodka like that. You could throw in your pocket, take to a game. And then you could, it was really cheap. You can print your machine vodka on it, throw it in your pocket, take it to a game, take it on a flight, crack it open, pour it in. I'm fucking there. I'm in.

125 grand. They have vodka in powder form? In pouch form. It was in the pouch. So you'd rip it open and pour the vodka into the thing. So I'm in. 125 grand initial buy-in. By the way, that's all the money I have at the time.

And so I'm like, I'm in. So we set up the deal and we're like, I'm moving forward. And my dad's like, remember, slow. Go slow, buddy. Don't just give them the money. Go slow. So I'm on the phone with the guy and I'm like, this is awesome. And they're based

out of Florida. I was like, fuck yeah, man. I'm from Florida. And he goes, cool, man. He goes, I'm really excited we're going to do gonna hope I'd like to be there when you pick it up and I went pick what up and he goes the vodka and I went what because I don't I don't store it for you I just make it and then sell it to you and then you have to take it and distribute it and I was like oh fuck dude this close to buying $25,000 worth of vodka and not knowing I needed a warehouse I needed a truck I needed to sell it I needed to move it I thought I was doing it in works with them I was just buying it from them so do you know how do you know how excited they were to get a

$125,000 whale on a Ponzi scheme because that's what that is. Oh, and I'm sure it's shit. You didn't buy a piece of that company. That's no Russian mob that owns that shit over in Clearwater that you don't know about. We did the same thing. I have a flip-flop line. I do my own flip-flops. And it just came from this i like this flip flop and they

stopped making it and then i hit up the company and they're like well we can make it and i was like well can you make like make like 20 of them for me and then i'll just buy those i don't care what they are because i really like the flip flop and then they were like well why don't we make a line and then you can market to your fans and so i was like great so all of a sudden i'm marketing flip flops and we sell out like in record time like we sold out they sold out the whole first shipment in six minutes and they were like holy fuck let's do another line we sell out the next shipment in six minutes then they're like then they're like what do you want to do now and now i'm starting going like i'm a shoe designer okay you know what to do

why not my dad goes stick to fucking flip flops, asshole. That's all you know. He's like, you don't know shit about shoes. And then my wife, they made a house shoe that we really liked. And we're like, we'll do a run of house shoes. These house shoes are comfortable as shit. Bill, you have a pair, I think. I don't know.

Leanne sent you a pair. Oh, she did? All right. I'm the worst. I'm the fucking worst. I know what you should have. Have a robe. You need a pair. Oh, she did? All right. I'm the worst. I know what you should have. Have a robe. You need a robe. Those are a little expensive, but you could get those made

for it. You would sell a lot of robes. Do you remember, hey, Bill, do you remember when Matt Frost started making robes? Oh, those were great. Those were amazing fucking robes. He made bath robes that he got licensed from all i think all four sports uh made the sports here and you you would have your i got a i got a red socks once it was a blue with the red socks and on the back it was number

14 and said rice it was the jim rice. I got one for Bartnick. It was the Pirates one. That guy who pitched the no-hitter on acid. I got that one for Bartnick. But they looked great. They were awesome. Sportsrobes.com Sportrobe.com

That's his thing. I remember he... Here's the thing I love about Frosty is if you went to a baseball game with him you had he wore the robe to the baseball game because he was marketing so everyone be like dude badass robe he'd be like sportrobe.com sportrobe.com and so you had to walk around with a homeless person in a robe at a baseball game yo so how about this about Matt Frost Matt Frost didn't want to represent me as a manager or anything, but Dan Gilbert, who you're talking about in Detroit,

who bought all the buildings, we ended up working together. He actually did, he produced the movie, one of the first things that I wrote and produced with him. Matt Frost was selling his robe company to, he was looking to sell it to fat head, which was one of the companies that Dan owned. Matt wouldn't give me this time of day ever. As soon as that situation was going down,

I get a call from Matt Frost. I'm like, I'm like, is this the Matt Frost like from comedy? He's like, yeah, yeah. Listen,

I own a rogue company and your guy over there who owns fat head, they're thinking about buying me out. You need to put a good word in. I's like, yeah, yeah, listen, I own a road company. And your guy over there who owns Fathead, they're thinking about buying me out. You need to put a good word in. I'm like, could you like book me on the road? Maybe like dates. That's how I know Matt Frost. I don't even know him from comedy. But he reached out. That's how business works. No, give me a call, Matt. I'm a comedian. But he, and by the way, I did put a good word in with fathead, but I don't know. I never really, I don't know whatever happened with Matt Frost. Matt Frost is one of my favorite human beings alive.

Yeah. He used to make me laugh so hard. One time we go down to Hawaii and Matt had just sold his company, right? So like little backstory, Barry Katz didn't want the touring part sold his company, right? So like a little backstory, Barry Katz didn't want the touring part of his company, so Frosty bought it, right? It was called New York Entertainment. And so that was the touring part of his company.

Barry sells his company and Matt takes all this talent, which, by the way, is led by Dane Cook at the time. I think Bill was probably a part of New York Entertainment at one point. I know I was. We all went through that. We all went through that. Matt sells it to CAA for like millions and we're in Hawaii. And he goes, you know what, man, I'm going to fucking treat myself. I'm going to extend my stay eight days. And I'm like, eight days seems like a long time to be in Hawaii, Matt. And he's like, nah. I said, I'll tell you what, I'll extend my stay another four days and I'll hang out with you. Day two, we are sitting at breakfast, bored out of our fucking minds.

And Frosty goes, I feel like I should get a job or something. You could have retired right there. He goes, I don't know what I'm doing down here. I want to get like a day job. I feel like I'm bored as fuck. I don't know what I'm doing shit. Matt Frost makes me giggle, man. I miss that guy.

Is he still in entertainment? Yeah, yeah, he's over at CAA. He's at CAA. He says he's in New York. Right. Frosty, right after 9-11, Frosty is one of the most, like, not paranoid, but, like, a little like me. Like, anxiety can creep in and then build a fucking spider web in his head.

I remember one time he was like, Bert, I was supposed to fly out to L.A. I'm not making it. I said, why not? And he goes, this is my confirmation code for my flight. It's D-3-A-T-H. And I went, what's that? And he goes, it spells death. I'm not coming.

So then right after 9-11, Frosty bought a full-blown hazmat suit and the tube where you could slide 40 stories down. He had that in his office. So if anything happened, he could throw in his hazmat suit, take the tube out the window, slide down, and slide down to the fucking street oh it's another level yeah yeah i'd love another level i've got you know i've gotten off of i got off a flight i was supposed to do captain brian's in marco island and i was all set i was my first trip down there and i didn't know captain brian but like calum was like, it's the best place. You get to go fishing. You're going to love it, blah, blah, blah. And Captain Brian, I didn't know him, but I kept getting messages like, hey, man, find your way to radio. Get terrible with directions. I really don't rent a lot of cars.

I'm thinking this could go south. I'm headlining, but he's treating me like nothing. I'm starting to get paranoid. And I'm sitting on the tarmac in L.A. on a Virgin flight. And the pilot comes on. He's like, we have mechanical difficulties. And it's going to be a while. I start checking the weather in Marco Island, thunderstorm, thunderstorm,

thunderstorm. Now I'm triple panic. I'm getting texts from him. You'll find, don't worry. Just take yourself to radio in the morning. I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, I'm lost on Marco Island. There's no one to take care of me. I don't know where I'm going. I got off the fucking flight. I canceled my weekend in Marco Island. I got off. It was a very... But I was so panicked

and I was so lost with this guy and all I had was Brian Cowans vouching for me, which that doesn't mean anything to me. I can't be lost in Marco Island. I got off the plane.

I never went back. How mad was the club owner? He was mad. He was mad. He was mad. But he wasn't that mad. Like, to be honest, Bill, I wasn't selling tickets. I mean, I'm not selling tickets on my own right now.

That was like the greatest read of he was mad he was mad he was mad he was mad he wasn't that mad a local guy sold more than he had I knew exactly how mad he was by the way you said it it was brilliant

Captain Brian one time he comes in just to be I want to give a fair representation of Captain Brian Captain Brian, Captain Brian, one time he comes in. Now, just to be, I want to give a fair representation of Captain Brian. Captain Brian is an entrepreneur if he is anything. That man has had nine different hats of careers. He was a fishing guide. He's a business owner. He's a smart dude.

He had a restaurant where he would go out fishing, bring the fish in to sell at his own restaurant. So he was making all these catching all these fish and then he thought if i do come if i bring in dl hugley for a weekend it'll pack out and i'm gonna sell i'm gonna sell every fucking table worth of fish because it's by the way his food is fucking awesome but he's also like he's always he's an idea guy right he created uh like one of the one of his. I had one right here the other day. I don't know where it is. It was like an iPad holder, so you could sit in bed and hold your iPad. So he created it.

He takes all the sources from Japan or China, builds it, tries to sell them. Well, one of his ideas one weekend comes in the green room real excited. He goes, he has a thick Boston accent, Bill. And he's like, Bert, so I got a camera on the stage shooting back at the audience, and I got a screen up of the people there, and they're all live tweeting. Everyone's live tweeting, so they're all like busting jokes

and telling jokes on the screen. So it would be great if you could send it out to your fans. So I go, cool. So I put it out on Twitter. I go, Hey guys, there's a live feed of yous, the hashtag Captain Brian is going to come up on the screen and you can see the people in the audience. And the first person that tweets is like,

who's that fat bitch in the red. And the room falls out laughing. They're like, oh. And it was people online in wherever they lived just roasting the audience. Oh, this fucking pig in the front row. I bet she takes it in the ass. And, dude, I got on stage, and everyone was so fucking pissed. They had been lit up by the internet all night long.

How did the show go? It went fine. It went fine. I used to love... You know, that kind of an idea, the worst pre-show idea ever is Vinnie Brand's prank phone

call at the fucking Stress Factory in New Jersey. He used to have a pay phone on stage, and before the show fucking started, he handed out all of these cards, and there was something how, if you wanted him to call somebody and prank them, he would go through to see which was going to look like the best prank, and someone would give the number. And then live, he would call these people up and you'd

hear it over the thing it always went south people started yelling somebody get offended all of a sudden you find out the person you're calling is like on the deathbed with cancer or something it just encouraged everybody to start screaming at the stage i remember patrice o'Neill made it his life's work to get Vinny to take to and Vinny was just you know what reason why he's successful he had a vision I'm sticking to it he was stubborn he just would not take that fucking thing down and I just remember the it wasn't so bad the first show be the late show where you just hear him coming in. You could just hear it. They were already rowdy. You're like, ah, fuck. And then he'd get up there,

and he would just be going like, you know, yeah, yeah, so I want to, is your daughter home? I want to have sex with her. And the people were like, tell her you want to fuck her. They would just start yelling shit out. Every other show would start like,

hey, turn off your cell phones you know let's try to you know pay attention show his shit was the exact opposite yell whatever the fuck you want to yell out and uh you know drink up and now now here's the show that's how deep that's how deep those club owners want to be comedians some of them like like they won't even take a note like kill that phone their desire to be a comedian some of them or funny or just yeah some of them i think vinny just was like no other clubs doing this i got this hook i to this day still i love vinny i still tease him about that and he still stands by it he goes no it worked most of the times vinny it didn't we all told you how much we hated it how much more work it was the first 10 minutes you went

on stage because you got these fucking lunatics that's the thing too he would get them all stirred up and then he got a host going on who's green going up there and they got these these fucking poked them all in their cages yeah my daughter's one time my daughter's one time they go dad dad come in the room you're gonna love this and i walk in the room and they're like we're doing prank phone calls they're like maybe maybe they're like 12 and 10 and i was like you're doing prank phone calls and in my head i'm like no i never called my parents in the room when you're doing prank phone calls? And in my head, I'm like, no, I never called my parents in the room when I was doing prank phone calls. Like, that was like a thing you did by yourself. So they're like, no, Dad, they're hilarious.

And they're like, Isla, do another one. And Isla just would call a number and go, hello? Is Steven there? Okay. And hang up. And I go, baby, you're just calling the wrong phone number. That's how you're not pranking them. And then Georgia goes, Isla, I'll show you how to do it grabs the phone and she goes hello

you just won a brand new car a Prius yellow hold on one second and then gives the phone to me she's like I don't know what to do now. And I'm like, you fucking idiot. You just told someone they want a fucking car. The Jerky Boys had that shit. Oh, shit. They had the luck. They were the best pranksters of all. I mean, they created the genre.

The most brilliant one ever from, I thought, was the super across the way. Remember that? He just calls this guy up and he just goes, yeah, let me speak to Brett Weir. I go, who's calling? Is he in? Who's calling? Listen, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.

The guy's like, you don't need to talk to me? And he goes, get Brett Weir, I said. And the guy's just like hang on like just intimidates this guy and then the guy comes back says brett where isn't there and then he just did you just launch and said look this is just super across the way hey he's just that's all he invited and then in the end he goes and you tell him i called he goes i got it super across the way and don't have me come down there for you. And he screamed at him, calls him a punk and fucking hung up on him. And the guy never questioned I'm the super across the way. How about a fucking name? Where are you? What is it? He knows what

the fuck I'm talking about. It's all in the sales. Great. Yeah i still i i like once every six months i google that just to listen to it just with a comedic like structure of it brilliance it it is it's those guys were genius man those guys were so i was talking to someone saying we were talking about albums we bought and they were like oh i remember when the Jerky Boys came out, and I was like, I am getting that immediately. I mean, those guys had to be millionaires, because this is back when you sold an album, you made money off selling those albums.

That was their first album. I guarantee you they got fucked. How much money? Like every Motown group in the world. Do you know the names of them? They got an advance, and they were going to recoup once they heard a certain number, and then you never recoup. That's that whole fucking game.

First of all, that Jerky Boys thing, that was just called the prank phone call tape for years. A lot of those classic ones that ended up on the first one, that was just, you know, you got like one that was like 40 generations removed, somebody making a copy of it. For sure. Guess how many CDs they've sold over since their 1993 debut? Three million. I'd say six.

Eight million CDs. Damn. Good for them. They're done. They're retired. No, they're not. I guarantee they got fucked. I guarantee. They're done. They're retired. No, they're not. I guarantee they got fucked. I guarantee.

I'm doing. I'm doing. I was thinking that they own their own publishing. Dude, the greatest thing I ever saw was that guy in that heavy metal documentary. He said, you're better to own something 100% and sell 20,000 copies than you are to not own it at all and sell 20 million. You'll make more money. Dude, so order the rings on paper is not in profit. They grow $6 billion. And there's lawyers out there trying to say that they spent 7 billion on billboards

promoting it. That's- No, there's no checking. There's no, nobody can check those second books that people are keeping like I've I've heard that same thing oh we put billboards up we spent three million dollars in marketing for this thing where I've never seen a single thing on my product like where is the three million oh back in the day when you do a comedy cd like I remember they were like uh I was gonna do one with um I'm not gonna say who I was gonna do with these people right and they were like, I was going to do one with, I'm not going to say who, I was going to do it with these people, right? And they were like, you know, I already made the thing. I just wanted them to promote it and get it in stores.

This is how long ago it was. I need to get in at the Virgin, man, right? So they wanted to own the CD. They were going to give me advance, but they were going to own it. It's like, I don't want to give up ownership. And then they go, well, ownership shouldn't be that big a deal for you. It should be about exposure. So I said to them, I go, well, if ownership shouldn't be that big a deal for me, why is it such a big deal for you? And my manager goes, great fucking question.

And then I watched the guy stammer. And then what he basically said was, well, look, we just put out so-and-so CD and it flopped. So it's like, so what? I got to make up for the fact that you thought that guy's fucking CD was going to sell and then that's what they just end up doing is, and you think you're in business with them? Okay, now I'm going to pay for 50% of the cost.

You're going to pay the other 50. It isn't. It's like all the expense of it comes out of your end. So you look at it like, oh, I get 60% off the net, and you get 40% off the gross, but all the expenses are on my side, so all of a sudden they're making more than I am because I got 60% off the debt. You don't see a dime until every penny's recouped on their end. And then you still don't. Then you have to audit them. And then if you audit them,

then you're labeled difficult to work with. That's how it goes. There's like an internal, what is it? Like an internal email that goes out like, BRRR is difficult. Boom. And it just goes to all the record label heads. is difficult boom and it just goes to all the all the record label their big thing is they act like the accounting part of the company is this separate entity that works on its own so like in this business like it's not it's not abnormal to go in, pitch the sequel to your movie in one part of the building while your lawyer is in litigation in the first one. And they always act like, yeah, we don't know what's going on. That's accounting.

We don't know what's going on. What the fuck do you mean you don't know what's going on? It's your fucking company. No, that's why. No, but that's. I've heard you talk about like ownership before. And I'm like, Bill's got it right. Like, that's why I love what you guys, where your mind is at with all things comedy, like run by comedians with comedians.

That's why we started it. We started the fucking thing because we've seen the businessmen coming in and they were offering that same behind the music deal. Hey, Mike, you come in, you bring your podcast on the exposure we're going to give you, we're going to own your podcast, and you're going to hand everything over to them. They're going to be laying in. I'm not saying they don't work, but they're stealing, and they're going to be in bed while you're going to have to, in 80 years, you're still going to be on the fucking road trying to hustle

as they're getting checks from what the fuck you did, which I'm not saying they shouldn't get something, but like I tried before this whole pandemic. I was telling every young comic out there, if you start a podcast, never give up ownership. There is no fucking reason to ever do that. This is this new lucrative thing. If you do, there was like fucking agencies who rep talent

were trying to start their own podcast networks and there was nobody stopping them nobody fucking stopping them and it's just like no it's almost like a it's it's a young comedian but it's also like that comic mentality of like we're so hungry we'll do anything coming up and we're just like coming to the business like hat in hand you're just so thankful to get any sort of stage president at some point you have to understand that you you've become a commodity right you got the power to believe in yourself i hope some young comics are watching this shit like own everything as much shit as you can fucking own. I mean, there's times when you got to give something away to, you know,

it can't be your way the whole time. But, like, there's a podcast. The fuck am I giving up the ownership for my podcast? I buy a mixer and a microphone and some sort of interface, and I'm in the game. I remember having a meeting with a guy who had a big podcast network, and he was like, so what you'll do is you'll come on board, and then we'll take care of the podcast.

We'll take care of everything. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. And I remember thinking, like, what does he think I worry about? Like, what does he think my headaches are at night? And he was like, you know, we'll own it 50-50. And I was like, why would you own any of my podcasts? I started it. And he was like why would you own any of my podcast I started it and he was like but hear me out you're okay you're in Omaha right you got to do a podcast you don't know how to do

one you don't know what to do I call up Todd and Tyler in Omaha and they say hey man come use our studio and then we you do the podcast in there. It sounds professional. Send it here. We mix it, cut some ads in, and then we get some money. And I was like, I was like, oh, you don't, you're, you're starting a podcast company and you don't know anything about podcasting. Like I literally, I remember sitting in there and I said, how much do you think it costs to start a podcast? And he goes, well, I know how much we're putting into it and we're putting millions into them. And I went, it was like, it's like $500,

like five and you can start a podcast. And I was like, I started buying for 500 anyone, anything I make off my podcast is a profit off of that 500. And I'll tell you what, I fucked up for a while because I was so attached to that fucking like $585 investment in a podcast and that every cent I made was above that, that I wouldn't invest in my podcast because I was like,

no, man, I'm just making money off $585. This is the greatest investment ever. I might be guilty of that. I've done my podcast, other than I used to call in, I do mine the exact same way. It's me laying on a bed running my fucking mouth please no it's the first one joe is the first one that i saw that i was like i remember when he got he got the uh got to when he got the compound

and i was like i was like whoa and it's like before anyone knew how much money he was making on his podcast you were like joe you must really love this podcast and he's like before anyone knew how much money he was making on his podcast, you were like, Joe, you must really love this podcast. And he's like, everyone was making money, but you didn't realize Joe was making like 85 times more than we were making. And you were like, you must really be invested. You must be having a good time with this podcast. You must love podcasting, man. You're willing to do it almost for free.

Let's do this. This always goes viral on the internet. Whenever anyone tells a Joe Rogan story, it immediately goes viral. That's like, I remember one time I said that Joe was generous, and it got 5 million views. Andrew Santino, as the clip says, he went to dinner with Joe. These are all things we normally do with Joe, but for whatever reason, people become obsessed with. I want to hear about your days do with Joe but for whatever reason people become obsessed with I want to hear

about your days touring with Joe because you toured in that early circle with Joe I was yo I I I opened for Joe for a year when it was red band was like a was was Brian heartbroken over a girl that left him in Ohio he didn't know what he was gonna. He was like this like little kind of lost nerd that Joe just like brought under his wing who was a master with a computer. Like the first dude I saw with wires coming out of some shit, like just like walking around like somewhere in Florida, wherever we were touring

this weird kid was just had wires coming out. And Joe was like, he's going to run my, my website. He's going to run. We're going to start this thing down the line. This kid knows everything. I'm walking around the hotel, but consoling him. Cause he was heartbroken,

Brian and touring with Rogan. Cause he had come off fear factor and he, he was already doing like a little UFC stuff, but he was, this is what I got to say about Joe. He was like, he loved that shit so much. I remember him saying, I would do this for free, the UFC stuff at that time. And he was

taking us around to like different UFC gyms. I grew up like skipping rope and hitting the heavy bag a little bit. I'm not grappling. I don't get in. I don't get it. You did grow up boxing though. I did. I grew up boxing okay i can box detroit i was boxing i am a boxing amateur but i never wrestled i got a skinny neck i don't like to be putting any kind of choke hold so joe was always like you're a fucking bitch you're a bitch you're not gonna like roll and he had eddie bravo was with us so like here's the guy that choked out gracie they want me to like roll around and wrestle. And I'm just like, Joe, I'm just going to fucking hit the heavy bag while you talk to

these maniacs over here. And Eddie Bravo comes in with fucking hair gel and beats up everybody in the gym. I'm just going to be over here doing this. So I stayed off the mat. But I mean, I got a hundred Rogan, a hundred stories. Yo, people didn't know at that time how much of a badass Rogan truly was. And I remember being in a bar with Joe and he was calm as can be. And this big giant, like we were like in Minnesota maybe or Denver,

somewhere where they grow giant white boys. And there was like a giant white dude with like a jean shirt on long hair who just looked like he could like break a tree and he's like i'm gonna kick your fucking ass dude to rogan and i'm like there with him and at the time eddie bravo wasn't like in the he just wasn't by near us it was just me and joe and joe turns to me. He goes hold my beer he just goes home that hold my beer and Thank God it like didn't get to an actual physical fight But the way just Joe was like, you know, hold my beer and he just like squared up on this dude This dude knew he was about to like get like his ankle broken in half by a Joe toe kick or whatever

He was gonna pull on this dude. But I mean, I got a hundred Joe stories. The classic one from the Boston area was, it was a comic. He had a roommate who was into like martial arts and he fucking was sitting at, he went to some taekwondo tournament and he came back and you know the comic was like how was the tournament he goes dude there was a fucking guy there i have never seen this guy was a fucking animal like lightning cat quick would just beat the fuck out of everybody i have never and he wouldn't shut

up about it the guy's like i get it whatever so the roommate goes to the comic show that night they went down to nix or something they walk in and there's this comic on stage and his roommate goes that's the fucking guy that's the guy i saw earlier today and it was like rogan basically went down and at some tournament beat the fuck out of everybody got a medal and then that night was up on stage you know this is like probably the 80s is probably going you know you think Mike Dukakis is gonna fucking win head out the tank he's like doing you know just doing stand up after that

it like that was that was the first one that I heard about him I was intimidated because I could box but these guys in the martial arts gyms, they were just doing some next-level shit. I wasn't going.

I wasn't getting on the – and they would just tease me all the time. Even with, like, I lifted light weights, Rogan would always be like, you're never going to get any bigger if you don't lift heavier weights. And I didn't, by the way. He was 100% correct. Yeah, but you also don't blow out your shoulders. No. It's all the bad, like...

Yeah. Yeah, I'm paying the price for 80s lifting. My favorite Rogan story that I can't remember if he told... I can't remember where I heard it, but it's my favorite story is him and Tate Fletcher are at at a bar and there's this fucking drunk dude just going around intimidating everybody just fucking shirt off walking around talking shit and joe and tate are like all right we're gonna stay the fuck away from them so they go up to their rooms that night they're buzzed they go up to their rooms i don't even know if they were drinking i just put in

buzzed for whatever reason but you know i don't think tate drinks but they go up to their rooms and they had adjoining rooms, Tate and Joe. And the guy is trying to get into Joe's room. And Joe's like, hey, man, it's my room. The guy's like, fuck you. And he's like, no, it's my room. And he was like, fuck you, it's my fucking room. Shirt's still off, guy's hammered.

Tate goes in and gets in his room, right? And Joe goes, it's my room. And Joe goes in the door and walks in the door. goes it's my room and Joe goes in the door and walks in the door and the guys live it Joe shuts the door and he's banging on the door fuck you get out of here pussy I'm gonna fuck you up I'm gonna fuck you up at the time Tate's fucking

legit competing in the UFC or whatever and so Tate and Joe go in there and we go what are we doing Tate goes I'm gonna go out I'm gonna subdue him so Tate goes out his door, fucking wraps the dude up and puts him in an omoplata or some fucking move.

Joe comes out and starts commentating. The security shows up and they're like, is there any problem? The guy's not, the guy's still struggling and Joe goes, no, no, no. It's cool. My buddy here is a UFC fighter. He's going to put him in an omoplata and choke him out and Joe said the look on the guy's face like wait what's happening to me what's happening to me and Tate chokes him out they put him in the elevator and send him down

that is yo Tate had like has Tate ever like tussled with you at all like have you ever felt no no I went up behind eddie bravo one night drunk and i thought i could take him down and i went up and i just went hey what if i and eddie so quickly spun on me and touched me with those fucking fat hands it was like you're mistaken i do this for a living like i would really hurt you and i go i couldn't just get you a little bit and he had me in a fucking clinch like just like his neck is like fucking unchokeable i couldn't kill eddie bravo in a hotel room if he was roofied with a telephone i mean that fucking dude like there's such a a the there's such a world class They're like great white sharks. They move with intention.

Yeah. And they have the same size fucking neck, Joe and Eddie. I wish people could go back in time and understand how little mainstream America knew about jujitsu and shit. When those first ones that they had, that they used to call like human cock fighting basically where you would fight like three fights in a night no weight class i remember that gracie dude with each time he would walk down to the to the ring his gi would be more fucking wrinkled up from what and by the end the shit was all fucking ripped. But he kept, and I remember Patrice calling me,

going, you gotta watch this shit. And I go, what's going on? He goes, these motherfuckers are getting this little dude on the ground, and then they're going to punch him, and then they just go, ah! And I go, what is he doing? He goes, I don't know!

Because we didn't know toe holds, we didn't know arm bars, we didn't know what the, these guys were just, like, it's like, I don't know we didn't know toe holds we didn't know arm bars we didn't know what the these guys would just like it's like i don't know we just they just they had no uh passing the guard no uh no defense not not tuck the chin any of that i don't know anything about it but they would just come up like a little kid walking up to like a fucking cobra yep and and just i remember there was a guy who came in who was a boxer and he knew that maybe would go to the ground he came in he wore one boxing glove and within two seconds this dude put him on the ground now he's got this fucking mitten

you watch it now i think i remember that guy man he was just jab he was gonna jab jab i don't know what the fuck it was i remember that guy yeah i'm not making this shit up like patrice got me into it i started fucking watching it and it was like we were like this is like one of these like snake plissken movies or blood sport movies but this is like real and i was i remember the classic one where that Jack Black dude went up against the white dude, and he somehow got the guy like this and just started elbowing him in the head. And before the ref even knew what was going on, he got him like six times. And the guy was out by the second or third hit.

I remember seeing that. I was in a bar in Boston. I think it was Daisy Buchanan's, which doesn't exist anymore. And the whole crowd was watching, and we were watching the elbows. And this was the sound of the crowd. It went like, it went, Oh, at first it was like, Oh shit, he got him. And the way this guy, you know, I think now you're more used to seeing somebody ragdoll, but in boxing, it was like, when you did that to somebody

and they just went down, it was over. You didn't see another nine hits to this guy, which is my only thing that I have a problem with because I love the UFC. I just hate when somebody clearly KOs somebody and the guy goes down to the ground. Before the ref gets over, the guy still winds up and gives him one more. It's just like, fuck, dude. down to the ground. And before the ref gets over, the guy still winds up and gives him one more.

It's just like, fuck, dude. That's the emotion. That's that emotional, like, you know what I mean? You can't stop that emotion. That's not even – that guy's gone at that point. Like, emotionally, he's still on one more shot. Like, that is a terror. I hate to see – I did box growing up, but I hated seeing people getting knocked out.

Like, I don't like it to this day. And the early days of the UFC, there was some brutal stuff. I remember when we played Lauderdale Hard Rock or the Hollywood Hard Rock, whatever that was, there was a UFC fight in that same mall or whatever that was, the hotel area. And a bunch of Gracies were there. And I remember Joe had, like, the after area, and a bunch of Gracies were there. And I remember Joe had, like, the after party, and it was a blast. And, like, you know, these guys are not, like, big guys,

so they kind of, like, just, like, blend into the crowd. You don't know that you're around, like, ten assassins. You know what I mean? And there was a Gracie cousin. She was beautiful. There was, like, the female Gracieie and I remember I'm day you know I'm dancing I'm having fun Joe's in the corner doing like his bait you know his his go-to move we're all having fun it's 15 years ago whatever and I remember just joking with the Gracie the

girl and I'm like so you're saying that you like, totally choke me out if you wanted. And on the dance floor, she just goes, whoop, whoop, whoop, and puts me in a quick choke. I don't go out, but I know what it is to go to sleep. She, like, comforted me to sleep. And this is, like, Gracie's cute cousin who. It's also amazing how quickly you're out. Oh, oh. It's done quickly. Like like you can hold your breath

for a minute but for some reason if somebody does that you just need it i got choked out you're not holding your breath they're cutting off the blood supply no that's maybe that's the difference i don't know i got choked out i think by henner grac, we were doing a show called Hurt Burt. And they brought me into the Gracie dojo or jujitsu place. And they were like, they're like, you're going to learn MMA today. And they fucked me up. Like they walked, they ragdolled me for like a solid 10 minutes of like me just, they had like a circle around me and I'd try to get away from them and they

take me and throw me and then take me and throw me. And then at one point they gave me a knife and they go try to stab one of us and I was like and I was like are you being serious and then when they started coming at me I was like I'm fucking cutting a Brazilian today and I went and tried to stab and they grabbed my hand smacked it out of my hand grabbed the knife put it to me flipped me and choked me out with my own gi they grabbed my gi and went and i mean i'm a grown man who thinks he can defend himself and i just went no no no and went to sleep woke up and they're standing over me they're going come on buddy wake up wake up and i went what happened and they're like we choked you out and i was like in my head i wanted

to be like please don't ever do that again. I can't stop you from doing it, but please don't do that to me. It was so helpless. Yeah. Bill, did you ever do any of that? Bill, did you ever have you done any of the jujitsu, martial arts stuff at all? Never long enough to remember it.

I did a I went in the 90s. went down for like like a month or so and it was just really it was it was not professional really early on in the whole teaching people jujitsu and i remember this guy going uh you know he could barely speak english skip the hip like this skip the hip it's like this is good like this. Skip the hip. It's like this is good. Like this is no good. Like the whole thing. Like this good. Like this no good.

And there was some woman there. I forget what happened, but she somehow like separated a rib cage or something and was like wheezing on the ground. And it was like pilot season, and I was coming home with like bruises. I'm like going, what am I doing here? This business has stuntmen. And plus by the time, but what it really was, by the time that shit came around, I was too old.

Like I would have to have started immediately. And I just, I don't know. It's a certain mentality. Charlie Murphy got me going to his place for like a minute. It just never stuck. Like I was always into like playing drums or sports and shit. I think it's amazing. Oh, yeah.

I have 100% respect for it in a different world, wired differently. I mean, I think, yeah, i would go down and and do it but like as much as i like it i love watching it and shit i have no desire all right you know getting on the ground just to start the move isn't easy i like fighting when i was. I really enjoyed it and shit. But then I got older and I just mellowed out. It's like, I don't want to fucking... If you've ever been punched in the face as a kid, I feel like as you get older, you don't want that anymore. Like, if you know what it is to really get blasted,

you don't want it. Dude, Joe one time, I was telling him I was having a problem with anxiety, and he was like, you need to get into jiu-jitsu. He said, contact. You have a problem with confrontation. I think if you get in the ultimate confrontation, which is fighting another man, I think it will really loosen you up with your anxiety.

So I was talking about my 40th birthday, and he says, I gonna head up set up you and joey so me and joey go over to meet with eddie bravo and talk about taking lessons now i am unaware that eddie bravo is the fucking zen buddha master of jujitsu i think i don't know anything about jujitsu so i go over to meet up with eddie bravo at his at 10th planet or 12th 11th point whatever it is 10th planet and yeah and he shows up and everyone's rolling and everyone's like and everything's moving very fast and Eddie shows up and he's very calm and he has a black eye and I go what happened to your eye and he was like huh I said you have a you have a black eye. And he goes, I do? I said, yeah.

Wait, you don't know you have a black eye? And he goes, yeah, I don't know, man. And he really just passes it off. And I'm like, hold on. If I got a black eye, that's like a fucked up week for me. I can't just get black eyes. And I go, did you get that from rolling? He goes, yeah, sometimes you get popped.

And no one did it on purpose. And I'm like, all right, I'm out. Joey ends up taking the fucking lessons and ends up going to jujitsu and i think joey's like fucking graduated in belts since in these in the last eight years he's like legit can roll and like and he's lost weight from it i'm like god damn it man if i just not been terrified of getting black eyes there is there is something to that physical confrontation and like calming your anxiety in close spaces you know because in comedy we're always in a bar or a club and you know I mean so there is something to that it gets you

loose. when was the last time you almost got into a fight? Me? Yeah. Dude, I'm 52. I don't know. No, I'm just asking. When was the last time you got into a confrontation with someone? All the time. All the time. But as far as escalating to a fight?

The Bills game in the bathroom when that guy shoved you. Yeah, that was bad. That was that one. It was, no, I'm not like, dude, I'm not a, yeah, dude. I have no problem walking away from shit. Like some guy, you're a bitch and you're a this and you're that. It's like, oh, am I? I think I'm doing pretty good in life.

I like, you know, I appreciate your input. I never had that I've been disrespected. I need to fucking blah, blah, blah. I don't give a fuck. That's a young... Go ahead, Bert. Do you want to hear something fucking crazy that happened?

We're getting ready to go on tour this Thursday, I guess. We're all going. The on tour this Thursday, I guess. And we're all going. And the people I tour with are a very diverse group, not on purpose, not by any woke reason. It's just who I like to hang out with. And my bus driver's black. So my bus driver shows up, and he's wearing red shoes, red pants, red shirt, like all red.

And I'm like, I don't, I mean, it looks like a lot of red to me but like it doesn't stick out crazy and we're driving we're walking through a fucking parking lot and a and a group of young black kids roll up on us and and gang bang to him like yo what like yo what's what's good fool or like whatever and and my my bus driver just kind of like bang a fucking porno thing i don't know no no no it's gangbang is what they do out here no they bang and my bus driver just said something to diffuse it like i'm not i'm not i'm not a blood or whatever or like i don't i don't check it or he said something like lingo to diffuse it and they're like all right all right yo whatever right. Check it, yo. Whatever.

Like dialogue from Sanford and Son for the White Cup. But I was so blown away that that is a possibility, a slice of the black experience, is that if you wear the wrong color or the wrong hat and you're in a neighborhood that someone may step up to you and go now it's time to fist fight or or worse and i was like i was floored by that i was floored that if i didn't know the lingo that something bad could happen i was so you never saw colors i did but i didn't think it was real i kind of broke that down for you. I didn't think that was real. I thought that was like, you know, yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, all black guys have big dicks. That's because they had a redhead playing a Mexican in that thing. That's why. They had Malachi in that. By the way, he pulled it off. He pulled it off in that. Yeah, that white kid. Yeah, you're just like, come on, man.

You're that white kid from Children of the Corn. Yo, Bert, I'm not trying to bring this back to my thing but i can't believe you just told that gang story because in my i'm not even going to give it away but there is this there is a i talk about that in my special because that something like that happened to me but it was in the dark and it was in it was in South Central where I pulled up somewhere and I had a Red Wings jersey on because it was the Red Wings were in the playoffs and I'm a hockey fan I played hockey my whole life and so I get out with a Red Wing jersey and just like you just said there was three dudes in a house next door and they were like break yourself fool and I

was like what and the dudes who I was going to see in the house they were like break yourself fool and I was like what and the dudes who I was going to see in the house they were like yo yo yo like chill out like get that shirt off like what are you doing I'm like what like what and it's real I it's you'll see it in the thing I talk about that but that is a real thing that happens they don't play games in those gang neighborhoods it's so where did you shoot your special uh i actually shot it at the beacon theater so so the stand-up portion is shot the beacon theater and i shot it like maybe two and a half two years ago probably and i weave in some cool narrative comedy like some sketch stuff so it's like weaved in and kind of makes sense. Like I'm talking about girls and then all of a sudden we go into like this sketch

of, you know, a girl I can't get out of my place who's under the age of 30. So but I shot the stand-up portion was at the Beacon. Hey, can I pat myself on the back? Can I pat myself on the back and tell you a badass story, Bill? Yeah, sure.

So by the way, if you don't want this in, Mike, we'll edit it out. But this is a good fucking story. Oh, boy. So I am on a flight from New York to L.A. And I'm sitting next to this smoke show. I mean, beautiful. Beautiful. Kurt, I love you for this.

Beautiful. I mean, I say to her, what's going on? And she goes, you know, I just got back from Tibet. And I was like, really? And we're just bullshitting. We're drinking. We're having a good time. And she's like, uh, she's like, you seem cool. We should hang out. And I was like, I was like, Oh no. Yeah. I'm married. And she goes, ah, I said, why? And she goes, I don't know. I'm like, I haven't really had sex in a while. And I'm just looking for a fucking good time. I'm looking for a good time. And I go, can you trust me? And she goes, what? I said, I got the guy for you. I go, he's good looking. He's cool as shit. And he's a fucking blast. She goes,

really? I said, how about I just give him your number and you guys just go out have a drink and see what goes down she's like all right so I call up Mike I go Mike I got a fucking smoke show coming your way she just gave her your number she's gonna hit you up Mike calls me two days later he goes you're a fucking god you're the best friend I've ever had I mean listen you put it in if you want take it out if I don't really care I mean yeah I got a girlfriend but she'll be fine with this this was years ago but the bottom line is when it you were like the last person I thought was gonna hand me off something from an airplane and it just was weird like I knew you were drinking on the plane and you're like you're

not gonna believe this you don't have to say anything i already set it up i'm like what is what kind of setup is this yeah all of a sudden this girl just shows up and it all goes down without conversation i can tell you this if i was the one sitting next to it would not have gone down it would not i would have looked at her going you're a smoke show and you're just sitting here trolling for dick? You either have a dick or I'm going to lose a kidney. Get the fuck away from me.

By the way, I was a little nervous because it was so easy. I'm like, Burt paid her. She's an escort, but Burt doesn't even know what that looks like when a girl says that. The whole thing felt off, but it went down. He called me. He called me, Bill.

He goes, it was great. And I go, hey, hang on one second, buddy. I go, I need all the details like it was me. Tell me what happened. He goes, well, we started off with a shot of tequila, and it moved forward from there. You know what's funny? I just saw that they put a nine millionth time that debate on the internet of,

well, how come if a guy does it, he's a stud. If a woman does it, then she's a whore. And it's just like because that's the game a woman has to have to get some dick. I haven't had any dick in a while. Can I have some of yours? Well, I'm married. I'll give you my friend. Okay.

Oh, by the way. It's the same guy to get laid. The level of fucking, except in this story, but the level of work involved. No, but don't get twisted. At any point, it can go off the fucking rails. By the way, you're 100% right. I got fully used. I got used. I didn fully used. I got used.

I didn't have to have any game. She was willing to go with Bert into an airplane bathroom. Obviously, something was going on with her. She needed something, and I just ended up getting used. So that's, you know, there was nothing special I did. But thank you, Bert. One of the greatest, easiest handoffs in comedy history. And that was in the middle of like. Oh, I got one for you.

One time I was on a plane, right? And I'm sitting next to this woman, fucking gorgeous, and has an even more beautiful personality. Totally outgoing, funny, cool as shit. And I'm just sitting, you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop going what they don't make them like this yeah so finally towards the end of the flight i'm like fuck i go i listen i gotta just say this like i don't think i've ever met a woman as beautiful as you with an equally as beautiful like your personality is unbelievable and then she goes oh yeah she goes i used to be

fat dude i fucking died laughing died laughs she was fat so she had to fucking she couldn't depend on her looks so she actually fucking became a human being yo learned how to interact and make some bullshit conversation and then she dropped all the weight. It was fucking amazing. That makes all the sense in the world. That makes all the sense in the world. She had to develop a personality that's hilarious. Yeah, it's you know, I don't know. That's funny because I always wanted to like, I couldn't figure out what the angle on a bit was. I was always trying to create a bit like, because my match like with a girl, like my match is like a fat, funny, insecure chick. Like that's my personality match. Like those

girls that are just like fun, like what's, why aren't we kicking it? Like that is the match. Like the world is upside down. Like. No, I don't. That's. I don't know. I got it. I don't know where the bit is.

No, but there's something there where that's just. I don't have the. I never from the time when I was young way back in the day when I would come out to L.A., I never understood those people going and sweating those chicks that used to go to Sky Bar. I'm like, they are fucking nightmares. They know how pretty they are. And it's just like the extra level of like, like Keith Robinson used to say, beautiful

women walk around, they have an attitude like they have their own TV show. And they're not handling it well. Some people get a TV show and they're fucking cool. So I just, I kind of had a, I don't know, also walking around with fucking orange hair. I was probably thinking in my head I was gonna strike out anyway. So probably, you know what,

probably 60% of that was my bullshit, but 40% of that, there's some truth in it. The only way you got them was by insulting them. Just insult a 10, you're home with them in five minutes. I know, because they think all of a sudden the expiration date, the expiration date's coming. Starts creeping in their head. Yeah, in their head.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I've seen the expiration date happen on beautiful women where they start getting to the age where no one's buying them drinks anymore and i used to say i used to say to leanne because leanne had this one friend that was a model and was a smoke show and then as she got older you could see that things weren't happening and guys young guys didn't pay attention to her and i said it's like watching superman get locked out of his house. He's like, fuck. Fuck, how do I do this? That window. I love that.

You can't build it on that. You can't build it on your looks. So you got to go, unless you're going to, I don't know, get married early. I don't know. This is going off the rails here. We're almost up against it. Let's promote. Where can these people see the special?

All Things Comedy. All Things Comedy Network. almost up against it uh let's let's promote uh where can these people see the special all things comedy all things comedy network all things comedy youtube november 16th it comes out it's called who the f is mike young and uh yeah man i i appreciate you having me on the network and i you know that's it's it, man. I enjoy the special. There's stand up from the beacon. There's some interwoven narrative. It sounds cool as hell, man. I'm definitely up. I mean, I'm off the road, not up. I'm off the road here for a little bit. So I'm going to definitely check that out.

November 16th, the great Mike Young. Thank you so much for coming on. And this is great seeing you, Bert. Great seeing you, bro. Great seeing you, man. Bill, thanks for having me, man. I look forward to future friendships, man. I told Bert, I'm like, I don't want to fan out with Bill, but we're not like, I only know him a little bit. You know what it is. What are you talking about? I saw you like fucking ever before you became a director I saw you forever at the comedy store we would just pass

and then I see it like Saget's wedding and the first thing you say is everybody here is dressed for a funeral I'm like fuck I gotta be friends

with Bill man I gotta be friends with Bill Saget's wedding was fun alright that's it this has been another wonderful episode of the Bill

Bert Pod Cast alright gentlemen we'll talk again Mike Young November 16th another wonderful episode of the bill. Bert. Pod. Cast. All right, gentlemen. Great job guys. Mike Young, November 16th.

Who the F is Mike Young? We'll see you. See ya. Thank you.