The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 39

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about 'running trains', classic comedy outfits, and reading books.

all right hey what's going on everybody it's time for another wonderful hour of the bill pod cast what's going on you said something the other day that i've been thinking about non-stop you're like you know this is the new normal of things is interesting you're like i only really know this podcast as this like i i don't really remember when we would do it in person i only know us skyping and and i gotta be honest with you i think it's better than when we're in person it's definitely healthier yeah i think one of the last ones we did we was smoking that fucking deli dill pickle oh i went off the rails hard with cigars and booze. I am on the wagon, Bill. December 1st, all dry December, no booze, going pescatarian.

I'm cleaning my life. No cigars. I'm going healthy, Bill. I got to tell you something, man. That's commendable, too, because that's one of the hardest times. Is that a beer? I thought that was a Guinness you just poured. I was like, oh, my God, I walked into a bit. What is that a beer? I thought that was a Guinness you just poured. I was like, oh my God, I walked into a bit.

What is that? It's an iced coffee. Dude, that would have been the greatest setup ever. And as I'm singing your praises, you just bust out of black and tan, whatever the hell that looked like. I was saying the holidays is one of the hardest things

to get through because everybody's just like you know it's such there's this weird combination where it's totally stressful and then you go to a party and you don't have your kids there

and you and your wife are like let's just get fucked up and deal with it tomorrow it's quarantine I can do it because of quarantine right I'm really good when locked up and deal with it tomorrow. It's quarantine. I can do it because of quarantine. Right.

I'm really good when once we go into quarantine, it's a weird thing of, you know, I honestly think it's because I'm friends with you and you say things sometimes about like, you know what, I didn't want my, what do I want? My daughter seeing me drunk all the time. And then I go, well, yeah, if I live my life regularly, they very seldomly, they'll see me with a glass of wine or whatever to party, but they don't see me drunk.

But if I'm in quarantine with them, I would just be getting drunk by myself. And I remember when it first started, I thought of exactly what you said, and I was like, I'm not going to drink in quarantine. And I didn't drink the whole time we were staying at home. I never drank. And then when we started loosening up the regulations, I started drinking.

And it's weird. As soon as quarantine starts in and when they go, stay at home, safer at home, I just go, no booze. And it's almost like a switch in my head. I go, no booze. Let's get healthy. Let's be a pescatarian. right let's let's present another scenario okay you and i are both single 20 years younger and we have no families like i don't know how much weight and how many fucking empty bottles

of bourbon i would have in my fucking apartment but but I would be getting like, Oh, I first thought I'd be financially scared to death, but I would be getting, yeah, I w I would be, I'd have some jowls on me right now. Oh, I got the jowls right now.

I did. We, I had to do a FaceTime with friends and family last night for like a zoom party. And the way my, my wife, my wife doesn't know anything about the internet. My wife doesn't know anything about fucking anything.

And so I put my computer up, right? Your wife's a sweetheart. I talked to her for like five seconds thanking you for those slippers, man. You got a great, great wife, man. Oh, yeah. Shout out to everyone. We've got house slippers for Christmas. My wife has a pair that she gave to Nia, the mechanics.

And then I have a pair called the machine. They're still available at freewaters.com. Go to burpt I get freewaters.com but um but yeah the uh but she is I joke I'm busting her balls but like she set up the zoom so that it was just computer on table which ultimately looks like this so the whole time i'm just like hey everybody and you can see them going like you don't look good man and i'm like and i was eating a donut and so yeah i'm always i used to have a theory that women don't know anything about the internet who this is going to be loaded um that i can't believe you are like more misogynistic than me that just like blows my mind oh i went to therapy for it bill fucking ralph cramden over there i would say things that my wife would catch me and go

all right you need to bring that up in therapy i had i one time said she was just trying to get like i we were looking for places i'm'm driving, and she's on Yelp. And she just is like, I don't, wait, how do I get to restaurants? Like, how do I, I'm just getting everything. I'm getting gas stations, and I'm just like, I'm losing my mind. So I'm like, oh, it's very fucking simple. There's a little fork and knife in the top left. I can tell you, without looking at Yelp, I can tell you how Yelp works.

There's a little fork and knife in the top left-hand corner. You hit that. Then you go to your blue dot hit, search in this area. I'm like, redo search in this area. And I go, women will never be as good at men at the internet. And she goes, that's, you can't say that. And I said, no, I actually can. And I said, and the tech companies have proven it. I love you can't say that. It's like, I can say whatever I want and then you can react to it. And she goes, and I, and she, I go, the tech companies, you know why there's men there? She goes, why? I go porn. Because fucking 20 years ago when it was dial up,

I was learning my hand at the internet by Googling porn. I was Googling porn. Then I had to learn how to get it out of my history, out of my browser, get it out of everything. And I go, you didn't even, I was doing it where you had to wait for the picture to load. And I go, you weren't using, you didn't, there was nothing you needed the way I needed porn. It's just, it's a sense of like necessity is the mother of all invention. I needed porn back then. And then she was like, she was like, she was like, you watched porn on the internet 20 years ago?

And I go, that's why you're having a hard time with Yelp, is because you don't understand technology because it wasn't a necessity of yours. Let me ask you a question. But does shopping online catch this new group up? Because women are also watching porn, I think. No. Here's the weird thing about my misogyny is it's just them as a group. It's not them individually.

Individually, I will fucking go, listen, don't listen to this fucking guy. If this fucking happens, do this. I'll try to help somebody out individually. But as a fucking group, I don't know what it is. They just drive me up the fucking wall i think it's more i'm more like a contrarian i think that's it's probably contrarian and i also feel like part of me feels like sometimes when i'm making an argument i will say i will say everyone because it's a more fun argument to have than just going you it also gets the frustration

out of you if you just like you know everybody's fucking saying it yeah yeah the whole world agrees with me there's not a woman on earth and that's a fun way to start an argument that was i was i was fighting with my i was fighting with my uh my bus driver i say my bus driver he's my friend i've been on tour with him now for like two and a half years, and I love him. Yeah, you guys are friends at this point. If you can have arguments and still keep working together. At that point, it's been blurred.

Oh, yeah. It's been way blurred. We had an argument last night, yesterday, driving home from San Diego on whether or not. He passed out. You're driving. Yeah, it's been blurred. On whether or not.

Cast out, you're driving. Yeah, it's been blurred. We had an argument on whether or not. This is a very, this is a hot button topic. But I have never been in a train. I have never run a train on anyone. I'm just not a trained guy. I never understood what is in it for the guy. Okay, I actually said.

You can have one-on-one sex or it could be you and 40 other dicks yeah and then the whole time in your head like is she cool with this the whole thing just is she cool that's what i said i go i go ron i think it's cultural i don't think i think that's like a might be just a black dude thing and he got and he got pissed and he goes that's racist and i was like no no I'm just saying like and then I was like I just like saying everyone like I just go I'm sure there's white guys that run trains on girls I'm certain there are but in my say I'm trying like we're gonna talk big numbers like that was never something me and my friends did and then and then and I go you're saying that it was commonplace where you grew up. So I'm saying culturally.

And he was like, he was like, no. And I remember, I won't say their names, but they're friends of ours. One of the, I only say that. I don't think they have a problem. Who wants to go second? I mean, by the time you ate her, her vag is so full of pre-cum. If you're lucky, it's just's just i mean what the fuck are you sticking oh my god you're just you're suggesting they don't come inside her i assumed everyone

just came inside her yeah dude i mean i'm not in that world i don't want to be in that world never never would i want my daughters ever to have that ever happen to them i think it's I'm so against I'm so into trains I'm taking a hard line stance on trains that was like that old Patrice joke he goes do you remember this he said I was talking to my girl and I was like you ever been in a threesome she's like yeah two guys he goes no bitch

that's a train that's hilarious a threesome is two girls and a guy a train you were in a train wow yeah i remember i remember i just not wired that way i knew i i had a a friend outside the business you know they used to do that they did two-on- one chicks and they would try to make each other laugh in the middle of it. Like she'd be like in the doggy style position. One guy's getting blown and the

other guy is banging a doggy style and he'd be like, don't look at him, don't look at him. And then you just look up and the guy would be like making a face and try and make them laugh. Like they got, and I was saying to him do you guys realize how disgustingly comfortable you are with each other? Yeah I don't want to know any I don't want to know any man like that. I don't know a man like that and I don't ever want to know a man. Well I mean I don't like Bert I don't want to know you like that. No. I don't want to know your sounds. I don't. By the way.

This is so fucking gross. It's so gross. This is my impression of me and you in a train. Me going, is that okay with you? Are you like that? Tell me what you like. And Bill going, shut the fuck up. Stop talking to me.

No, no. That would be me, dude. That would be me. That would be me also. No, no. That would be me, dude. That would be me. That would be me also. No, dude. I was talking to another comic about that. We were talking about all these fucking comics getting in trouble. And we were just sitting there.

It was always that fucking, like, the second there was any ripple in the water, it's just like, I'm out. I'm out. Yeah. Going back to the room i uh i think i'm i'm like that aggressively i i would be the guy on the train going you're sure you're cool with this and they'd be like shut the fuck up i wouldn't be in it yeah i wouldn't be in it and then they'd all tease me and say i was gay and i'd be like all

right i'm gay i was told you and all those dicks have a good time in that room. In front of the Boston Comedy Club. In front of the Boston Comedy Club, three black comics that were man unnamed, asked me about trains and I was cuz I was the party animal guy and they assumed I just ran trainings on chicks all the times and I was like, and I was like, I've never run and one person who we all know very well, but I just won't say his name, said, that might mean you're gay.

If you've never been in a train, that might mean you're gay. And I was like, I don't think so. And they're like, nah. And then everyone, it was all black comedians. They just started agreeing. You're probably just gay. That's what it is. And I was like, what?

And they're like, only gay guys won't run trains on chicks. And I was like, hang on. Where does this come from? Yeah, that's that macho thing that i can i can fuck with other guys watching it doesn't affect me because i'm so into this pussy it goes it pushes through the gay zone comes back around to straight again but there's something inherently homoerotic going on there there's a lot of layers to it, man. And this is above my pay grade. It's like back in the day, I remember some buddies of mine were going down to Brazil.

I know these buddies. You got to go down there. And it's just like, I can't go down there because I'll never come back. Who the fuck are you talking to? You're coming back. It's like, oh, physically I would come back. But it's just, I don't want to do that. And also, I was dating a sweetheart at the time and i was just like i i can't i'm not going to a third world country and paying money to have sex with some of the the daughters of some of the poorest people

on the planet and then coming back talking shit about it like i just hit a fucking three-pointer with two seconds left on the clock yeah it's just Yeah, it's just like, I just never understood, and they tried to say that bullshit. Well, Bill, you're paying for it here. You gotta take him to a movie. Shut the fuck up. They have options here. They have options.

So fucking funny. Yeah, I just was, I never, that's one of the smartest fucking decisions, and I've made a lot of dumb ones that was one of the smartest decisions I have ever made was not to go down there and do that

and it was funny they used to take pictures and shit yeah you know when they were down there you just saw the evil they're like like trying to smile

next to a statue I remember hearing you just see it you saw the emptiness of what they were doing. All right, if you're going to keep drinking, I'm going to have my after workout smoothie here. Do you work out today? Yeah, the first time. This hotel, there's nobody in it, and there's nobody down the gym. If there's anybody in the gym, I won't fucking go in. I don't know what this is.

This keeps my pubes glowing. What do you do when you go in the gym. If there's anybody in the gym, I won't fucking go in. I don't know what this is. This keeps my pubes glowing. What do you do when you go in the gym? What is that? Is that mango? Who's with you on the road? Who did you bring with you? I got Dean Del Rey. And then I got Club Soda Kenny, who got me this. So I'm going to tell him, what in the fuck did you get me mango for? He does shit like that. Club Soda Kenny is one of the coolest dudes.

He's one of the funniest motherfuckers ever. And I guarantee you, he got that one because that was the weirdest one. How great would it be? I got you a mango smoothie. Enjoy, sweetheart. How great would a Club Soda Kenny book be? I was going to say a Club Soda Kenny doll, and you just pull the string,

and it just goes, excuse me, mister. I love when he does that. I told you all those stories, right? No, no, no no no in the middle of scotland i love let me i'll before i start you start this i want to say it's a little things in life that mean a ton to me and i remember the first time i did ona and i was scared i was nervous i didn't know anyone there uh club soda kennedy club soda kennedy was so nice to me said hey bird welcome to this show everyone's really excited to have you have a great show and you're just like and like no one was talking to

you this back when they were all fighting and no one spoke and it was just like that one person wait I think they were always fighting yeah tell me tell me a good club soda Kenny stories just quick little silly things that he would do. I remember me and Verzi were doing essentially the Midwest of Europe. It might be my favorite tour I ever did. I got to see all these amazing countries and cities that I'd always heard about. Prague, Budapest, Warsaw, all these cities in Germany. It was amazing. And Vienna.

I remember at one point we were taking a train. He goes, I go, how are we getting down to this next gig? And Kenny's like, oh, we're taking a train. And Virzi goes, what kind of train? And Kenny goes, a choo choo train, Paul. And it was hilarious because it was like cold as shit, which was another thing that I just think that I really enjoyed about being over there because it was during the wintertime and it was really cold. And I'd watched so much stuff about World War II. Everything I could see, Ken Burns, the war, and you just being where it happened and just feeling like what a bitch I

was on a train platform. And just knowing that the Russians were like even colder dug in, you know, with the kind of footwear that they had back there. And these people plowed through this. And it's just, you know, I don't know. I find all of that fascinating. So it was a really fun tour. But dude, Club Soda Kenny was just, he was hilarious. He was fucking hilarious. We would walk in. We'd just walk in and they would speak there.

And you'd just go, hello. Excuse me, mister's my favorite one excuse me mister i'm not from around here he would say that was we just so clearly american and like obvi was speaking english and just the look on people's faces like is this guy fucking serious i don't know how he keeps his straight face it's he's the most deadpan dude i've ever met in my life but he has it down which is so great when you finally make him laugh and he actually breaks excuse me god bless you um i was in i was in paris or in france uh a few years must be like five years ago six years ago and i was freezing and my dad called. I said, what's up? He goes, nothing. Where are you at? And I said, I'm in France. I said, it is cold as shit here, dad. I'm like

breaking down. I feel like I want to just call it a day and go back to my hotel room. My dad goes, it's funny. I have your grandfather's diary. And he said the coldest day he ever had in pair in france was he was in the trench warfare and he was poured some ice in his helmet so he could shave and he had to take the razor and break the ice in the water the water formed his ice and he had to break the ice oh my god to to get the water onto his razor and i went went, wow, I feel like a pussy. That made me feel like a pussy. And I wasn't even bitching about the cold in France. My dad tells me those.

My dad's told me that story. My dad tells me like five stories every time I see him, just like he's never told them to me. I have a story. Go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. You go. You go. I was done. I was going to say,'s never told him to me. I have a story. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. You go. You go.

I was done. I was going to say, I wonder if that's dementia. I have a – I got one for you. I shaved in cold water for almost like 10 years straight because I watched the Dirty Dozen, and they used to make them shave in cold water, and those were all tough guys and it was something that i did i don't know i got it wasn't even like a conscious

like decision that was like a subconscious thing it was one of those things that i'm gonna do this to make myself tougher so all of this bullshit that's happened to me will fucking roll off my back easier. It was fucking weird. I did it to try to make myself tougher. It didn't work, but like, and then one day I was just like, the fuck am I doing? From like 17 to 27, I shaved and cold.

Jesus Christ. And then, and then I finally put hot water on my face. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. Yeah, dude, I'm a fucking weird person, man. As I hold up a mango smoothie. So this is the first, is this your first trip away from your new one? Yeah, it's the first time.

This is the second day of my son's life I haven't been with him. And yesterday, of course, I get to FaceTime and he was staring and then he like broke into the big smile. Dude, my heart was like the Grinch. My heart was just like, oh, my God, I can't take it, dude. I can't take how cute my kids are. I just I just want to. My son is doing the he's doing the commando crawl now. My son is doing the commando crawl now. He's really strong, like gets all up on all fours, and he's rocking.

He starts screaming and stuff like he's all excited. And then the other day, he moved the right arm. I was like, oh, shit, it's going to happen. And then he just literally face planted. You know, the head just so – his face plants on the rug. He shook it off, though. He shook it off, man. He's – yeah, they're both amazing kids.

My daughter said to me the other day, we were sitting down for dinner, and she goes, Dada, she goes, I like being a big sister. I was just like, ah. Yeah. She's a riot, man. That's crazy, man. You think about it. You had him in quarantine. You've spent every single day with him.

Like, you would have never had that opportunity if things weren't the way they are. Dude, it's ridiculous having kids. You just want to put them in your chest, in your heart. It's the craziest thing ever. My wife is already establishing herself as the disciplinarian, and I'm just like the older kid that never moved out. Can I tell you what? I got a joy today.

I have a hard time getting rid of T-shirts. I have a lot of T-shirts, and a lot of them are ones I picked up. I know. They're so sentimental. I have a great Modest Mouse T-shirt. I got it at the concert. It's a green t-shirt. It says modest and then mouse, and then there's a buffalo in the middle.

You can't get rid of that. You went to the show. I can't get rid of it, and it's the greatest shirt. I've got some of the greatest shirts, but a lot of them I got when I was smaller, and I was dating Leanne, and I was 186 pounds. Wow. There's your goal, dude. There there's your goal to be able to fit into your modest mouse t-shirt no i got a better one i got it this made me this made me well up i

wonder if i have a i wonder if i have the picture i bet i do hold on the um i think it's just floating around. Oh, that's not it. That's such a great old school looking chair. That looks like the chair Oscar Goldman sat in on the $6 million man. Yeah, I just bought it. They finally got chairs back in fucking Target and all that places. All the good chairs, ergonomic chairs were gone because of a COVID. You couldn't get a good chair. I'll find it. Anyway,

who saw that coming? Did somebody hoard chairs and then get shamed? Chairs and weights. You cannot find a free weight. If anyone's got free weights, I'm looking to buy up to 50 pounds with a rack. Anyone can hook me up with some free weights. I looking to buy up to 50 pounds with a rack anyone can hook me up with some free weights i would love it i want to get the old school ones bill that they used to have in high

school that were like smelled like pennies and then and they had the they when you'd click them they go chink chink you know they were like the plates oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i wanted to get those and then uh and but i you can't find them anywhere. Anyway, here's back to my – What's up, buddy? Look at that dog. Oh, wait till you see the new dog. The dude dog is fucking adorable.

Anyway, so I have these shirts. I can't get rid of any of them. Yesterday, I'm with the girls. We're moving stuff out of this garage, and Georgia has on a shirt it's this it's a shirt i bought a concert shirt i bought in nashville all you know all you can see i forget what band it is but it says nashville above the top of it it's a badass shirt black old school shirt she's wearing it and underneath it she's wearing a waffle like uh what are those waffle shirts that

that used to keep you warm you don't remember that waffle thermal right i look at it and i go hey is that my shirt she goes yeah she goes it's a cool shirt and i was like yeah it is cool shirts because you have a lot of cool shirts and i was like wait do you want some of my old shirts and she goes can i have them and i was like hold then I go, wait, where did you get that waffle shirt? And she goes, it's in your closet. It's cool. It's got holes all in it. It's bad-ass. And I went, baby, I wore that waffle shirt the first night I did stand up. The first night I did stand up, I wore that waffle shirt with a, I said, that waffle shirt was like, you know how you get lucky? You go, I did good. So I'm going to wear gonna wear that I said I wore that waffle shirt for the whole first year I did stand-up like that was my shirt there's a big hole

in the thing now and I go you're wearing and then she goes she goes oh cool and so then I got they left we have them going to school at a got a man we're building a new house we have a man cave that's done we send them there to go to school, and it's so much easier. I went into my thing. I grabbed my Modest Mouse shirt. I went. I put it in her door. I grabbed all these X, and I was like, this kid's going to be fucking so happy.

So that's my new thing. You know, I should show you the shirt I first wore. I got it, like, in one of those vacuum sealed things. Like I have all my shirts that I wore and all my specials, like retired jerseys. And then the first shirt I ever wore. And I have the stagecoach shirt

from this episode of Breaking Bad that I did. And I have it all shrunk wrapped into the thing. I got to show you, dude. It's like, it is such a classic early 90s. It's like lime green with these thin blue stripes. Remember that shit?

It's like a Z Cavaricci like style shirt. So that was like my go-to shirt. I had a good set the first time. And then I felt like it was-to shirt i had a good set the first time and then um i felt like it was a lucky shirt and then i started bombing after like my second show and then i kind of got past that i'm just like no i don't think there's any mojos in the shirts i think i just stink and i gotta get better at this so i retired shoes shoes are what i would retire because i don't i stop wearing shirts but uh i have the shoes from all my specials

and then I have the shirt still that I wore the first time I got a deal and I have the shirt still that I wore the second time I got a deal those those those sets I have both those shirts ah it's so crazy I and then you know what that reminds me of somebody was saying that maybe the that comedy club not the magic castle the comedy magic club down at Hermosa Beach needs some help I was thinking of doing a show

for them in the top parking lot they got that parking garage right above it they should do a fucking show right there let's do it I'll do it I'll go down there. All right. I'll reach out to Mike Lacey, see if we can knock it out. Hey, tell him I got a curse, though.

Yeah, you were outside. We're not in the club. It's fine. Okay, yeah. Dude, you're working with me. Don't worry about it. Yeah, reach out to them. Let them know I'm in.

Okay. All right. I will. Because he has all of that memorabilia really um dude no he has crazy he has uh george carlin rest his soul went down there one time and he saw the memorabilia that he had and he was like you know I have the whole outfit that I wore for the album cover of Class Clown it's been in a suitcase under my bed for like 30 years you want it he was like yeah so I mean he was trying to start like like if he started a museum if he had like money like the stuff that that guy has he's taped every single set he doesn't you know use them for profit but he has if you did a set there in the 90s 80s 70s he has it he just has to find it so he has here's a question what what outfit would you buy

you know and let's just let's say let's put a caveat on this because i know that you're willing to donate money meaning meaning i know you're more apt to in an auction bid on something if the money's going to a good place than to just spend money on yourself i had a dream you bought a helicopter last night anyway um i had a dream you bought a helicopter and you go it was fucking cheap bird it so cheap, but the wheels are too heavy. It can't fly very far. It can only fly 900 miles. And I was like, for real?

And you're like, ah, I fucked up. I fucked up. 900 miles would be great. Yeah. So, Ready, you're in an auction, and they say we have two suits available. Richard Pryor's all red suit from Live on the Sunset Strip or Steve Martin's all white suit.

I got to go Pryor. Really? Yeah. Sam Kennison's trench coat. Okay. Or let's see what we got up here. If you say something from dice, I'm going to have to flip a coin.

Oh, dice is jacket. That says dice man on the back or Sam Kinison's trench coat. I think I got to do the dice coat. I don't know, I think I got to do the dice coat. I don't know. But dice is still alive and I can talk to him. I can't talk to Sam.

Maybe I would take the Sam thing just to have some sort of connection with him. How much do you think that is? Because he's the one who taught me about dynamics and stand-up more than anybody I ever saw. And George Carlin. George Carlin taught me about mic control and Kinison taught me dynamics. Explain to me. Well,

all right, I would say George Carlin had one of the greatest voices of any comedian I ever heard. And he could go, he had this register from way down low to really up high. So when he did characters and voices, he had like a radio broadcaster voice that he was not only a master of standup, he was also a master of how he used his voice. And when you learn things like that you can in a very economic way control the audience by just raising and lowering your voice lowering your voice you can draw them in you know you bring your voice up you can make them go back like that I I watched I saw a Cosby

before all that bullshit went down and he just had us on a string and really like I think comics, we have a tendency to listen to the material and not see the mechanics around it. And Sam Kinison, I think I've told this before. There's two clips. There's a clip of him. I don't know if he was just in a bad mood or whatever,

but it was before he had the trench coat. And he had like fingerless gloves on or something he was dressed all in black and he had these sunglasses i mean he looked like a cocaine cowboy man he looked like just like a fucking like he had a gun with the silencers what he looked like and he's just on stage just screaming his blood curdling, just screaming all of this shit. And I remember my wife came into the room. She was just like, Jesus. She's like, oh, God, what are you watching? I go, this is Kinison before he learned how to control it.

And then he had this incredible, powerful voice. But if you just come on stage and do that, from the second you're on until the end, like people, eight minutes in are like, dude, I just can't listen to you scream anymore. So it was when he went all the way down, and we're starting, hey, buddy, how you doing, huh? How are you married?

Is this your wife? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. How long have you been married for? And he would just do that whole thing, and then just, why don't you just remember this face? And he would just do that whole thing and then just, why don't you just remember this face? And then he would just bring everybody down. And it was like, it was almost disturbing when he would ask those questions

because you could feel something was going to happen. Yeah. But it caused the whole crowd to just shut up and listen and then take that little ride of, where the fuck is this guy going? Like, this is getting crazy. And then the release was the joke and his frustration of being married or whatever, you know, some woman who broke his heart.

Just watching people do stuff like that, then you don't have to like prance around the stage and make all these giant movements to feel like you're keeping their control. You can literally do it with just moving the microphone closer or further away or pulling yourself off. You can do shit like that. And then also, you know, like you can create moods with your voice going up or down. You can really create. Like last night, Dean Del Rey was on stage and he was doing this bit about people with bad backs. And he went into this character for like just one line.

And I just saw, I was like, oh my God, what the fuck is that? That's a whole new color in his act. And then he immediately went back to the stuff that he usually does. But you felt the crowd like going like, oh man, I wanted more of that. Yeah.

When I got off stage, I was like, dude, that right there, that little thing there, you can blow that out on this run. Just see, you know, just blow it out until you're just bombing and it's quiet. I don't give a fuck. But just because that's a skill that he can do. He just has to develop it. So that's kind of, it's kind of like, you know, I always look like sports, like hoop. You know, you can't go to your left, you start going to your left. You know, you got no baseline moves, you just practice those or you suck it outside shooting whatever whatever your sports analogy is as you start adding those things to your little stand-up uh repertoire there and then you can just sort of then you can start applying those elements to things and build shit

you know it just gives you so many more options rather than being like, hey, did you see this? The fuck is with that? You know, I think the – I'm curious to see what doing all these outdoor shows has done to my act because, as I'm sure you know, and I don't know how, but, like, when they're inside cars, which has been lately – and, by the way, I'm done touring, but, know and I don't know how but like it when they're inside cars which has been lately and I'm by the way I'm done touring but like we just did San Francisco and it was so cold everyone just kind of stayed in their car they have a great time but I know you I feel like I do my energy and what you said is up here and then when I've done something intimate

I feel like I'm like oh fuck you really pick up on that instinctually sometimes, and then it affects how you perform. And then we did like an intimate one in an amphitheater, and I was like, oh, I can slow this down. I can – like you can feel the energy, and you're like, wow, I can't wait to get back. I can't wait until the vaccine's out. Yeah, that's been a hard – I'm hoping I'm not going to lose –

I think you've got muscle muscle memory it'll come back but like i've been having uh you know you just feel like you know you're at some county fair standing on a picnic table and some of these things and it's you know you know traffic driving by and shit yeah you know where I'm performing here we're like on final approach for fucking Love Field. These fucking brains just sitting there landing, 18 wheelers going by but like this people can hear it because I said you guys having a good time and they went nuts like they're having a good time so then I just had to adjust like okay they can hear me fine I just can't hear them laughing because it's just the way it was set up. It was like this little plaza grassy area.

And I feel like the laughs were just. Are they in cars or are they in picnic benches? They're sitting on blankets. Yeah. It's like an amphitheater type of thing. It's like a theater. And then there's like a little place where it's, it's definitely like a music type venue, but the shows were fun.

They're sort of sitting down in this thing and you're above them. And then there's like a little place where it's, it's definitely like a music type venue, but the shows were fun. They're sort of sitting down in this thing and you're above them. And then around the outside, there's other people sitting there. So. That's awesome. Yeah. It's been, yeah,

dude, I'm just thankful to be, to be working and that people still give a shit enough to come out and see me, to be honest with you. So I got this run doing dallas then austin um you doing uh joe's podcast when you're there i'm hoping until he mentioned it but i know you know he gets like fucking astronauts on that thing so if he's got room for me i'll do it but

um i'm definitely gonna hang out with him try to you know socially distance or whatever because i got i have a um spade has a new show and i'm coming back going to be a guest oh what's for real some sort of uh talk show type thing i think it's for netflix so i just got to make sure i mean i want to get sick anyways because i have kids so i just got to make sure yeah no um i had a buddy of mine in dallas just asked if i could hang and i was just like i can't do it, dude. I can't. It stinks. It really does stink, and it stinks now because you're like, God, I feel like we're at the tail end because we know there's a vaccine in sight,

but you just got to keep your foot on the throttle and be like, there's rules. There's still rules. I'm going to take the bullet for the world. I'll be the first guy who takes it if you give it to me. Will you take the vaccine first? Well, I actually went to my hat doctor the other day and uh he said they already gave it to him wait we have the same heart doctor for real yeah yeah don't say his name i don't like saying people's names but yeah so he uh he said i said it was

a side effect because i heard you feel like you kind of have a cold for a couple days he goes no it's just more like a flu shot you just felt like a pain in your arm and you were fine so i don't give a fuck if the side effects is that i'm fine with the ponzi scheme and a fucking crazy government and i'm just sitting there like hey man this is fine with me dude i don't give a fuck i see him i need to calm down the uh yeah i'll take the i'll take the flu shot. I just got a thing today that said morbidly obese people will get it first. And I was like, wait, maybe I'm going to keep the weight on, go get vaccinated, then lose the weight.

Lose the weight by running. Oh, I see. That makes sense. It's like boarding a plane. Women with children's, people who can't stop eating. Did I say children's, people who can't stop eating, did I say children's? People can't stop eating fucking hot dogs and cookies. Yeah, I'm going to put on some pounds. Who fought for this country.

They got all those reasons. Yeah, it stinks when people get it and don't feel symptoms, and then they come out publicly, and they're like, yeah, man, I got it. It wasn't even a problem, because I feel like that makes everyone go like, well, then what are we worried about? And then you hear the one horror story. There's a comic out of L.A., Jimmy Cholo, I think his name name was I just read about it he was out of East LA

comic and he got it and he was starting to talk about it on Instagram and he passed away and I'm like man you gotta you never know if you're gonna get the good one or the bad one and so I got a buddy of mine outside of this business he thinks it's a hoax

yeah and and so I got a buddy of mine outside of this business he thinks it's a hoax yeah and one of his relatives just got it which is fucking hilarious so it's just like oh I guess like you look

I love a conspiracy theory but this is just too big like the amount of people that would have to be on board to keep this lie going and then not say shit about it is just like off the fucking charts. They're lying to you, man.

Who? There's 50,000 fucking people in on this lie. How many people run shit? The entire infrastructure of the world is fucking in on this thing. And we're all gonna keep my mouth shut deal deal i thought i had it last night i was laying in bed and i was like god man i'm fucking sweating like i don't have chills or anything but like i'm sweating and i'm fucking like i feel achy and then i go oh no that's right i've just been partying my balls off for a month

straight and i just came out of san francisco san diego where we partied we had one show at like six o'clock every night and we just were like for three nights we're like oh we get home at eight just fucking make dinner drink like savages get in the hot tub smoke cigars go down to the beach it was out of this world and then i'm like oh no i'm why does that kill you why does that have to kill you what does god have against fun yeah why do you just have to fucking be a goody two fucking shoes and just sit there and read a book and get eight hours sleep or else you're just gonna fucking croak at 50 that's just like why can't you just, you know, there is something to be said to those people who I really have. Now that I have to be a fucking good boy, I really envy people that just don't give a fuck. Yeah.

It's like, you want a pizza? All the toppings. You want to get some donuts for dessert? Fuck yeah. Drink some bourbon and a cigar you know smoke a little crack fucking whatever let's just have a good time you know what i almost did like this is i was thinking about this last night we were unloading that garage and i knew i was going on the way i went on I started the wagon yesterday right and I said to myself one of my favorite beers I've had this entire year in 2020 was the first beer I had in quarantine where they loosened

up constrict controls and you could be around other people outdoors we had friends over to our backyard and it was socially distant I think the kids were watching a movie outdoors. Everyone was socially distant and the sun was setting and I had a cold beer. I had an ice cold beer and I got the first rush of alcohol buzz. And I, and, and, and what's beautiful about it, Bill is I had quit drinking, but I hadn't quit drinking because I had problems with it I quit drinking because I just quit drinking right so there was no shame involved with that that buzz that buzz didn't come with the like I remember hearing a story of one comic who was sober and he took a drink like after like three years and he goes oh the old me is back i just had this great feeling of like

oh man i forgot how awesome a beer buzz is like a nice cold beer buzz and i loved it yeah i don't even i'm trying to remember uh what it feels i will say though I have this new thing though I like I went I did the shows last night and then the second I got back no no second was over we just went straight to the hotel room and I was so excited to just be back in the hotel room I didn't do any damage you know and i went to sleep around midnight woke up at 4 a.m which was weird because i'm on central time and then i was like oh fuck really bill like what what demon is running around in your head why are you awake and i just you know laid there for like 10 minutes and then i slept till 10 o'clock so i basically got almost 10 hours sleep dude I feel amazing right now that's a good I look forward I I didn't sleep super good last night because I was on my first night not boozing but and I won't

sleep great tonight but you just got to bite those bullets and then the third night I'll sleep solid but what I love what I love about not drinking what I love is going to sleep at midnight waking up at five and going yeah I'm up I'm not hungover I can do this I can get through this let's make a cup of coffee and see the sunrise I love that feeling as opposed to if you've been partying and you fall asleep at midnight wake up at five you're're like, oh, this day's going to fucking suck. Oh, get on the treadmill, fat boy. You know what I used to do that was so stupid? I used to just stay out all night if I had a long flight just so I could sleep on the flight.

And now I'm hearing like the long-term damage of not getting sleep is sort of the big thing now. You know what's really good for you is like reading a book. Oh, God, this is so pathetic. Reading a book before you go to bed. I got a great one for you. Oh, tell it to me. Jim Carrey wrote a book called Memoirs and Misinformation.

Dude, if you thought that this guy was brilliant, which I don't know why you wouldn't, like the level of this guy's brain, you wouldn't like the the level of this guy's brain um this this book just like it's sort of like mocking celebrity his own celebrity the business human behavior uh just you know i don't know it's it's it's this is it right here yeah all right i'm buying it it's it's it's incredible it's incredible i'm about 80 pages in because uh you know i got two kids young so i i was supposed to bring it on the road and i was going to finish it and i'm i didn't like can i tell you can i tell you what book i just bought I just bought, and I'm excited to read,

and I kind of want to get this guy on the podcast. I think you and him, I think he'd be a great, great podcast guest, okay? His name is Hunter S. Thompson. No, it is. Shit. It is Wright Thompson. Oddly enough, right? That's why I said Hunter. Wright Thompson. And he wrote a book called Pappyland, a story of family, fine bourbon, and things that last. And I'll read the book and see if we'd like it.

But I think he's the head writer for ESPN. And, like, he runs ESPN.com or something, or he's, like, the head editor for ESPN Magazine. But it's a story about – I think it's – I listened to him a little bit with Scott Van Pelt at the end of last night on Monday Night Football. It really is a story about dads, about dads being a dad, having a dad. So it should be getting here today.

I'll take a read, and then if we can reach out to him, I think regardless he'd be a great guest. I'd love to have him on. Yeah. Wright Thompson is his name, Andrew. But I'm getting his book. i know he's doing a press tour for his books it's like a it's a national bestseller it's like a number one bestseller new york times bestseller so i just think in just it's inherently hilarious if you and i are talking

to an author hey we don't read too much in our life, and you wrote a book. Can you help us out? Is it good? You can hire a question like that. Are there pictures in your book? Yeah. How big is the print? You've had to have been approached to write a book before.

Yeah. Have you ever thought about it? Oh, I got a great – I wrote a book. I wrote a book. With DeRosa and Bobby Kelly. Yeah, about how to cheat on your girlfriend. So this is what happened. This is what happened.

This is such a classic showbiz story. So we wrote a short film called Cheat. And it was basically, it was set up. The set up is basically, you think there's these three guys that are getting together to do some sort of crime. And it's really set up, basically you think there's these three guys that are getting together to do some sort of crime and it's really set up blah blah and it just turns out you know this guy's girlfriend's out of out of town and this hot chick from high school is coming to town he wants to bang her he doesn't want to get caught so he calls his two pieces shit friends they try to help him out so we make it we submit it to tribeca it gets in

at tribeca and it fucking does great so with that they go um okay what's the next thing we can do with this so to try to market the movie we were gonna write this stupid you know how-to book on how to cheat on your girlfriend and then you were supposed to get the fucking movie with the book. Yeah. And they agreed to it. And then somewhere along the line, the movie thing went away. And we just had a standalone book on how to be a piece of shit. And it was just like, this is what this is supposed to be. That of shit and it was just like this one this isn't what this is

supposed to be dude that was one of the hardest books to write because i didn't believe it yeah it's just a funny idea that became a movie and then okay write the how-to book and we would just sit there on the phone going okay what else what's another chapter we can write i mean i would have had an easier time writing a book on sailing, right? I was like, I don't know what the fuck. I can't write a hundred,

fucking 200 pages about this shit. But I just kept thinking, no, it's going to be good and it's going to be funny because it's going to, it's going to be a real cool thing

like this little stupid handheld thing and then you watch the movie and you realize the whole thing is just a big joke and then, then it became, well,

it's going to be too expensive to have like a DVD. DVDs are kind of going away. Then it became a joke and then then it became well it's gonna be too expensive to have like a dvd dvds are kind of going away then it became a link and then it just became go fuck yourself and then it's just this dumb book um and then through that we then got a deal at fx to do a show the three of us because they just liked our chemistry in the movie and um we would just we wrote it ourselves we were just too green um which is a really a shame because uh joe de rose is a really good actor if you watched him on on uh better call saul and bobby kelly is a fucking ridiculously good actor yeah ridiculously good actor so So we could have made a show. It was just one of those showbiz things.

You guys were too green of actors at the time? I didn't know how to write a show. Like now I could sit down and I know how to do it. After, you know, all of these years in efforts for family. Like I just had, you know, all of these years in F is for family. Like I just had, you know, I mean, I can crank out a fucking first draft of F is for family in like two days. You give me an outline. I can just, I know, like, I just know how to do it now to sit in that room and, and,

and I'm being surrounded by writers. You just learn how to do it. So now I could, I could have taken, you know, being surrounded by writers, you just learn how to do it. So now I could have taken, you know, we would have had a better idea. It was still a good idea. I could have wrote way better dialogue. I understand. One of the great things that I learned about writing a scene is come in late, get out early. It's such a simple thing. is come in late, get out early.

It's such a simple thing. It avoids extra fucking lines that add pages, and it keeps the fucking thing going. It's like you don't need to be like, hey, Bert, how are you? Oh, is that a ram's head? Oh, that's great. Fantastic. So listen, about this thing,

you get rid of all of that fucking thing. What are you trying to do? What information are you trying to get in this scene? And how late into this conversation can I go and I won't lose the crowd. And then once we have it and I've, and I've taken the ball from here and got it to here and now I need to go get the fuck out of it. Yeah.

And that's what, that's what keeps that. That's what makes it tight. And that's what makes a really good first draft where it's not this giant fucking gelatinous like there's something fucking in here those are the worst drafts to get where you're just like oh my i don't even know where to fucking start with this thing just burn it down and start over again so that's where my my skill level was back does that give you does that give you a... I realized the other day

I think Seth Rogen is turning 40 maybe or maybe he's turning 30. I don't know. He's really young. When you've done... He's 40? Yeah, I was going to say that guy's been doing movies for like 20 years. But my point is like I had a real sense of respect.

I've always enjoyed his work but I was like, oh, he was making shit that I was crying laughing at when he was 20. When he was 20, he was working for other people, but by like 25, 26, I feel like he was doing his own shit.

That's so impressive. That's a Pineapple Express hot tub time machine. All of that shit was like 10 years ago, right? One of those was like 10 years ago, right? One of those was like 10 years ago. Yeah. Oh, he's, I mean, knocked up. All the stuff he's done.

I was still living in New York when Knocked Up came out. But I think that was a Jack movie, wasn't it? Yeah, but he was in it. But Superbad was his movie. Dude, Superbad's one of the funniest goddamn movies to this day. It's one of the funniest. I've laughed. Jonah Hill, when he's talking to this day. It's one of the funniest I've laughed. Jonah Hill, when he's talking to that teacher, he's like, no offense.

And he's doing that rant. You realize Jonah Hill's a kid. A movie written by, they were children when they wrote it, Seth and his partner. It's such a good fucking movie. Jonah Hill, too. He wrote and directed a great movie.

I just always forget the names of them. About some skater kids. Mid-90s? Mid-90s, yeah. I fucking love that movie. Jonah Hill's sister, Beanie Seagull? Beanie Fiddlesteen? Yeah.

I forget her name, but she's fucking awesome she is awesome like awesome how are we in this business with our talent i'm not in this business bill i've never met one of these people i saw jonah hill park down my street one time and i was like hey and he went room yeah you just need a little more confidence burke uh i'm cool with i'm cool with being right like the letterman thinks you're funny dude at some point you got to feel like you arrived you can chill a little bit and then you won't do that that fucking thing you did with sand the way like hey can i just can I just say something for a second? Oh, my God.

I love you, man. I've never watched that. I shut it off. I had to shut it off there. I was like, I just can't watch him do this to himself. Well, we should wrap this up. One of your charms, Bert. One of your charms.

I got a busy day. You've got a whole day of hanging out in a hotel room. No, charms. I got a busy day. You've got a whole day of hanging out in a hotel room. No, dude. I'm not hanging out. I got to fucking finish this script and I got to... I'm doing a promotional thing for Pete and Judd's movie. So I have like a full

day, but tomorrow I got nothing. Today is the only day on the road where I have to like you know... What's Pete and Judd's movie? The King of Staten Island. There's some other thing. Oh my God, that's so funny. That's so funny. Oh my God.

I thought you were talking about Pete Holmes and Judd and I was like, shut up. What movie do they do? Hey, let's get Judd Apatow on here one time. I'd love to have one. Okay, Andrew, can you reach out to Judd? No. I don't know Judd.

You guys know Judd. He just did a movie with Judd. Andrew, can you reach out to Judd? Yeah, let me call him. No, I can't. Who else you want, Bert? Hey, might as well get How about Brad Pitt? Hey,

Andrew, can you get Brad Pitt on this thing? Get Pete Davidson on and then see if you can get Ariana Grande and we'll surprise him with her, right?

That'll be good media. Oh my God, no way, no way. All right, well, it's been a fun hang, Bert.

It was a good podcast, Bill. I had a good time. I had a good time I had a good time talking to you you wish well Andrew even though you can't get us Judd Apatow it's okay yeah

after the podcast all right that's it I am in Dallas thank you to everybody who's coming out in Dallas Austin and Houston Texas

I'm gonna have a good time I'm gonna have a good time out here I don't give a shit how loud the traffic is I'm still I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to have a good time out here. I don't give a shit how loud the traffic is. I'm still giving it my all. It's for my supper. All right, that's it. This has been another wonderful episode of The Bill.

Bert. Pod. Yes. All right, we'll see you next time.