The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 40

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about breakfast, mind games, and indulging in vices.

Hey, what's up everybody? This is Bill Burr and Bert Kreischer. Is that how we do it? It's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill Burr Podcast. All right, what's going on, Bert? Great to see you. I just had a bowl of cereal at night. Is there anything better? bowl of cereal at night uh is there anything better that isla said i said i'm gonna talk about this on the podcast and isla goes dad bill's an egg sandwich kind of guy he's not a bowl of cereal kind of guy i'll be tell you this dude i there's i'm trying to think anything that i don't like for breakfast i love breakfast i go everything from a healthy smoothie with the powdered protein all the way to, I'll eat like, I'll eat, I'll re-eat, I'll just eat salmon cold from last night's dinner out of the fridge in a cold tortilla. I don't give a shit. I've got up,

I haven't eaten in eight hours. looks good to me i don't have that morning thing of like oh god i can't eat that in the morning i could i could sit down and eat like i don't know if you pick something i could eat it i could eat a goulash for breakfast cold i remember the first time i had a breakfast burrito and i was like shut the fuck up. I was like, they do this for breakfast too? Oh, my God. Dog. Breakfast burrito. Yeah, that thing puts you on the mat, though.

That's the only thing I don't like. I don't like shit that's going to take me down. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, now my day's fucked. So I try to stay away from waffles, French toasts, and pancakes. Because that thing's taking you down to the map you know you're just that that's like you're just choking yourself out it's taking yourself down we went to breakfast me and al went to breakfast one time at a place called 4 and 20

it's right it was closed now um if covid got it but one of my favorite things was their walk their pancakes to get their pancakes and then I do pancakes very specifically I butter the pancakes first I I never just get pancakes I'm not that kind of guy I get I never thought you were I would never say that about you eggs over easy I usually add eggs three eggs over easy bacon hash browns murder that. And then what I do is I butter, before I start murdering, I butter the pancakes. Then I cut a pie sliver out of the pancake, right? And I pour syrup into the center of that pie sliver

and let it load up in that one little sliver so that it's almost candy bread. And I, fuck, I'm getting hungry again and I just had a bowl of cereal. Yeah, no, there's a whole art to putting syrup on pancakes, because if you don't know how to do it, you'll go through a whole bottle, and you still won't even taste it. Yeah, right?

Pancakes are like a gold-digging whore. They're just absorbing all the assets here. So what you got to do is you got to put the syrup to the side you bring you bring you bring the pancake into the syrup you don't put the syrup into the pancakes it'll disappear it just goes and and and you know do you know this is one of those things that you you you see for the first time and then you can't unsee in a weird way is uh syrup's more expensive than gasoline oh yeah i heard that and they also like they monitor how much they put out it's a whole scam diamonds syrup oil the whole thing those beanie babies back in the day yeah all of that shit

football cards the whole thing you know they did that with free agency and major league baseball what's that so i'm watching i'm watching i'm i'm on like a huge history kick right now and so i watched ken burns's baseball on my on my tribe mill and they said when free agency started off i'm by the way i'm certain there's someone that's really into baseball that's gonna go that's not at all what happened but okay when free agency kicked off they were like well we can't just make everyone free agents or there's it'll be a free-for-all we've got to space it out so it's a trickle effect so you just release a few free agents at a time so then there's money there to be spent because it was just everywhere but But then all the owners colluded and said, don't pay them.

No one pick up a free agent because before free agency, it was just like slave days. Like you get a studio system. Yeah. It was, you were on a team and then they can keep you forever. It's fucking amazing. Yeah. Like if you were in the system, like they were saying, like, uh, if you were a great centerfield prospect during you know joe d into mickey mantle you actually could have made the pros if you just asked for a trade or got out of that system but you just never you never got brought up yeah there was really fascinating how like i was watching this thing about ty cobb and it's amazing that they you know with what

cancel culture is that they allow a guy like that to remain in the hall of fame but they're but they cancel you know like uh Andrew Jackson or whatever like they're canceling old presidents but when you look at Ty Cobb outright racist like outright bigot who, who walked around with a Luger in his pocket everywhere and a million dollars worth of bonds and just got drunk every fucking day. Whiskey and milk. I think he had, and he might have an out then. Cause that was the out that a lot of modern day racists were using where they were like, well, I was drunk. I need to go to rehab. He was a victim. There was no rehab. If he went to rehab, he could have got sober and he wouldn't have been racist anymore. He could have gone that route. It's so ridiculous to go back in time and and try to uh compare now to then and then of course you're living now like you don't think somebody in 100 years can look back at 2020 and some of the shit that we're doing

and saying and you're not going to be that you're going to be in the fucking wrong dude just look at 10 years ago the shit that you could say versus now that was 10 years ago yeah so you know you're gonna go back a hundred years yeah and then you're gonna look at this guy and act like everybody else around him was woke right they just didn't hit 4 000 baseballs so you don't know who they are well ty cop was very progressive with transgendered rights, oddly enough. I heard about that. He was using pronouns, proper pronouns, so much quicker than anyone else. Dude, there was so much dislike.

It's like comparing eras. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you know, tonight I was watching was watching you know the pregame for the patriots rams right yeah and um i was sitting there with my mother-in-law and she saw tony gonzalez and she goes was he a football player he looks really big he doesn't look like a broadcast yeah i said yeah he's arguably statistically the greatest tight end of all time and i'm thinking in my head was he came around during the right time where it

was such an offensively mind. I'm not taking away from the guy, but like, it was just like for the longest time, the tight end was a glorified offensive lineman. It was just a blocking end essentially. And then that position evolved through, you know, the Raymond Berries, the Dave Caspers, all of those guys on the way up to open the door, you know, and then they figured out that offense sells the game, catches the casual fan. So like the statistics, if you know, it's crazy to look up the all-time passing leaders in football right now, if you look at the top 20,

like it's like 18, 17, 18 are still playing right now. Something crazy like that. Or I'm sorry, all played within like the last like 20 years since like 1990, 30 years, I should say. Like all of a sudden, all of these guys got like just blown by. Like when I was a kid, it was Fran Tarkington had the most yards all time. And he had like 47,000 yards or 48,000 yards. And there's like guys who are considered mediocre. Had a, you know, he had a decent career. He wasn't like, you know, he wasn't one of the greats. He's not making the hall of fame and they'll throw 40, 45,000 yards.

Yeah. And then if you look the other way, the running stuff, the all-time rushers and all of that stuff, they just run way less. So, I mean, to try to get like 10,000 yards has become a really difficult thing, certainly for the average back. I look at that. I look at that. I'm writing down ideas. I look at that in comedy too. You look at, I think you said this actually, you know, you go back 20 years ago, 20 years ago, the guy, the amount of guys playing theaters was like 20, maybe 10.

I can't even, I Carlin Cosby like legends. Yeah. Legends were playing theaters would play but even then a lot of them a lot of the other bigger guys would just they'd sit in vegas do like corporate gigs and stuff like that like you had to be like really really big dude i remember like um when when politically incorrect, Bill Maher's first show was on the air in the late, was it early nineties, mid nineties when that show first came on, he, it was a big deal that he came to the comedy connection in Boston and went

clean for the weekend, sold out six shows. But you know, if now he's doing real time, he's a theater act. But I don't know what it was. I don't know what made that leap. Because I don't think the comedy boom ever got bigger than the 80s until recently. You think it was Netflix? Oh, you know what it is?

Yeah, it's Netflix. Well, you also can do this shit. Can you imagine if back in the day you could have just watched Carlin and Pryor shooting this shit on a podcast? Like, how big would they have been? Oh, my God. How great. I mean, it sucks that I know it's just me and you. How great would it have been to listen to Pryor and Carlin on a podcast? A lot better than this.

A lot. But if they had to do it every week, I bet there would be some weeks it would fall off. Yeah, it would be. Somebody would. Yeah. I, it would be. Somebody would, yeah. I mean, I don't know. But that's why I'm not a big, like, as far as, like, the little history of football that I know, you know,

it's Paul Brown and Otto Graham and Lou Groza was what brought the NFL And Lou Groza was what brought the NFL into sort of the pre-modern era, modern era, where, I mean, if you read up on those guys, like that's who Bill Belichick is. Bill Belichick is the next Paul Brown. I feel like he changed it the way Paul Brown did. And, I mean, up until then, they didn't even know that like kicking like your kicker was an offensive lineman which is what they had Lou the Toe Groza and they just they didn't take it seriously and Lou took it seriously and Paul Brown took it seriously and then all of a sudden they

just started winning all these games and they came in from that that other league and they thought it was inferior and they were winning all these games and they so they finally broke it down in a piece on paper like why what what are these guys doing and it was like they were it was inferior and they were winning all these games. And so they finally broke it down in a piece on paper. Like, what are these guys doing? And it was like they were kicking field goals. And he was accurate like from 45 yards out, straight on kicker, offensive lineman. So they were just getting three here and three there. And these other guys were just either punting the ball away or going for it. Which, by the way, dude, the fucking analytics people, what they've done to football.

I watched a game the other day at zero to zero in the first quarter, or maybe the beginning of the second quarter. And they go for it on fourth and goal that came against the bills. And they don't get it. It's just like, what the fuck are you? Kick a field goal. I don't understand. Like they, they, they play the whole game. Like it's the end of the game.

And it's just, I guess there's analytic where you go for the most points. It's almost like what happened in the NBA with like the three pointer. And it's, I think it's like, does it work or does it work? Cause everybody else is doing it. I don't know. I don't follow enough basketball. I love analytics. So I watched a show today where they were talking about a crash, an airplane crash in England. And they were like, they were like a lot of people survived and they were all in one area of the plane so they're like so they we had to recreate it and find out where the deaths were and they had a plane like a like a plane and they put where all

the deaths were and then all the people and it was like i and i think you said where all the desks were i'm like how big was this fucking bed an office it's deaths and what they were saying was and it was like so i would i would love to be a part of one of these like fact-finding missions to like get to the bottom of why some why people died they were like the chairs were supposed to be withstand 16 g's right and they're like why were there so many deaths if the chairs could withstand 16 g's the chairs and then in my brain i'm sitting watching this going yeah but they're just screwed to the floor how strong is the floor and then they go the floor gave out so the second the thing hit the ground everyone stayed in their chairs but they went into the plane and then all died and

i was like and then the only people that lived were the people in the back of the planes they didn't hit hard so they remained intact to the floor fucking shit like that amazing i would love to have a job like that like a like to figure out mysteries of why things happened yeah i don't know if if your chair can survive 16 g's i think the chair survives i don't think you stay human brain being does not like your brain then slams off the front of your skull at 16 16 g's is that even a thing i don't know what the fuck that would be yeah um i think they kind of slam towards the front of the plane is what the plane hits something unless you just fell out of the sky and pancaked if you slam it i think it all just goes like an accordion yeah it was uh i i that that kind of stuff.

I mean, I feel like if you're- We should get one of those guys on. There's guys, insurance guys, where that's their job, where they know the probability. And just to see if does it affect the way they live their lives and like what's safer versus, you know know because everybody throws it out there you know this is safe for the most dangerous thing you do is drive down the highway i say that all the time no numbers no numbers behind that statement i just want to see where they sit in an uber

right like you get they probably say you you want to sit on the driver's side that's what I would think. Because if someone was coming at them, they're going to swerve away from it. Yeah. They say that's where you should put your baby. Oh, really? We'll put it on your side because just your instincts, something's coming at you. You're not going to turn towards, you're going to try to be further away from it.

I love little shit like that. Like, you know, what you'll find, this is crazy, but where you have your kids in the car right now is where they'll sit for the rest of their lives. Is that right? Yeah. I love the sound in your voice there. Because I heard what a great dad you are. Where they sit right now is where they'll sit for the rest of their lives.

They just have this sweet Christmassy. I said, I would argue. That's a great dude. You're a great dad. I can tell. I would argue every parent out there right now goes, wait, let me think about that. Your oldest sits behind the driver's seat and your youngest sits to the next because that's how you set it up.

Normally, your first baby is going to sit over there so you can look at it when you're driving. And then once you have a second one, the oldest goes behind you and the youngest goes to the right. I would argue everyone's family, that's how they sit. Is that how you set it? Now they're doing it, though. Now they tell you to put the second one in the middle

because it's safer in the middle. So my kids, my daughter sits behind me, and then my son sits right in the middle so my kids my daughter sits behind me and then my son sits right uh in the middle it's fascinating yeah we didn't have that with that we had louis ck had the greatest joke as a parent yeah like that was like the fucking perfect joke he goes you know a lot of people i'm gonna fuck it up because a lot of people uh talk about disappearing when they're a parent going out and getting away and taking some time off yourself you know what my vacation is you know the second when you buckle in your youngest kid and you shut the door and you walk from the rear passenger side all the way to the driver's side that's my vacation and i i've been there so much

where you're like okay everyone's in the car i got a second for myself and we're back in the car yeah yeah it's amazing it's yeah uh that that joke i would say transcends even being a parent it's just such a an amazing because when he did that joke you remember that joke yeah oh yeah i didn't have any kids and i understood way more what it was like to have like it was a it was vivid i remember seinfeld brought that joke up like people that was that was like um that's a high watermark joke yeah like i don't know whether it is on the all-time list all-time passers all-time rushers all-time jokes that's for me that's way up there that's funny i thought i was the only one that heard it you know like i thought i was the only i thought

that was just meant for me in a weird way i didn't realize other people got it the way i got it dude i'm gonna go back to therapy. Hey, I'm back in therapy. I'm going to go back. I got some shit I got to work out. I got to get it out of me so it's not affecting people around me.

Oh, unlike me who's affecting everyone right now. Oh no, I am affecting people, which is why I have to like i i gotta i gotta fix some shit my my therapist gave me good advice i misunderstood it told it to my wife she then recorrected the advice i then understood it and it's been working great isn't that amazing he said he goes you need to what he was saying was you need to separate yourself you're what's happening is you're getting upset and the the the your reaction is is toxic

the way you're reacting to it is unhealthy and it's not good for other people you need to separate yourself i never see that side of you oh you're like one of the most fun guys i was saying on rogan you're so much fun like i i i feel like you get you you pay attention to make sure everybody's having fun i feel like you're that guy and if you see somebody you're like like i'm as a bad example remember belushi in animal house when that dude was crying because he wrecked his car and he took the bottle? He smashed the bottle on his head. I feel like you've got that thing where, like, yeah, it's amazing. I don't know.

But it's different hanging out versus living with somebody is completely different. My stuff, oddly enough, is kind of about that shit. It's stuff going on in my family where i feel like people are not i want everyone to hang out in the living room and be a team and i want i don't want anyone to grow up i don't want anyone to grow up i want us to be the same little group that we've always been and people are growing up and people are making decisions without consulting me and and i and i get really upset regardless the therapist told me i need to separate from those situations because I'm taking it personally and I'm being toxic.

Just separate. I misinterpreted it and I was like, my therapist thinks I need to take a vacation from this family. And my wife's like, what? And I was like, you guys are toxic. You're killing me. And then she was like,

oh, I see what's going on. You're're toxic you need to go to the bedroom right now and just go and i dealt with it really good i said hey i'm really proud of you i understand what you did i get that and i we're not done talking about this but i can't talk about this right now because i love you too much to be a bad person right now and then everyone was like wow this is very mature for you and i went into the bedroom and i went to sleep and i woke up the next day i was in a better mood and i said hey i said we're gonna talk about this later today i still haven't talked about it but but i don't know what joe bartnick says joe bartnick says women who marry comedians are saints any woman that marries a comic is a saint oh no dude you know I learned I was watching um I went down some uh you know I was just on YouTube right I've been watching all these French films

and um I watched the original uh Le Fme Nikita, which was great. The French one is great. It gets a little, her training, it got a little hokey. And I'm like, well, you know, they, you know, the French sense of humor is a little, plus the movie's almost 30 years old. But then just the way it goes from there was amazing. But I, in that column was somehow,

it was somebody analyzing Joe Rogan's show, which I love when people come up with these videos and they analyze a friend of mine because most times it's not right. But whether the analyzation of him was correct or not, I actually got something out of it where it was like Joe was talking to somebody and they kept interrupting and they were going, look how Joe breathes here. He breathes,

he's breathing from his mouth and the data that I know it's like one of those things where they just created this whole backstory and it was probably whatever, but I was it. And it was, they used his show to talk about breathing, to maintain your not losing your shit so I now that I've said this out loud they probably just attached it to the Joe Rogan show because it's so fucking huge and they wanted to get hits yeah but my wife said something and I went I started raising my elevating my voice I just brought it down and I just put my head back and started breathing slowly as she

was going like, well, what? Thinking that I was getting ready to blow up and I actually went the other way. She thought it was like this nuclear thing. I was going to go nuclear and I brought it all the way down. I went, all right, it's fine. We can just do something else. Then she was looking at me like that was it. I was like, did you see what I just did there? Cause of course I'm the comedian. I need the pat on the back. I got to get the laugh or the, or the acknowledgement. I was like, I just started breathing. So I did that today with, um, had a couple of issues that came up and I just sort of breathed my way through it it worked out things fucking bother me that like they shouldn't well you know

there was people on my street they took out these two giant they were redoing the sidewalk and they took out these two giant old trees and it's like can you do that oh that would drive me fucking nuts you're not allowed to yeah and it's just like so what so what somebody can rollerblade down the fucking street like when did the trees win bert huh that's what i started thinking like why don't why are we always the fucking priority and they were these great trees and it's this awesome tree line street and now like this is giant alopecia tree hole in the middle of the fucking street oh man but here's the thing dude i can't rat people out i can't rat people out first of all i don't know why they took it out

they could have been dead i don't know they didn't but as far as my assessment and no knowledge of trees i looked at the stump and then i'm like, Oh, are you just going to leave the stump there? Yeah. Um, that's the type of stuff. Uh, Oh, okay. Let's talk trees then. That's that gets, that gets me going. So we, we, I don't think there's any secret, but we bought a new house and we have been, we've been trying to fix it up over the quarantine, but it's been touch and go with restrictions and whatnot. But one of the things we could do was very early plants, plant some privacy hedges, right? So, so I was pretty specific about what I wanted.

This is, but by the way, this is one of the things I was in therapy for. I was very specific about what we wanted. I but by the way this is one of the things i was in therapy for i was very specific about what we wanted i said uh i want ficus ficus grows big and tall and and they're perfect and leanne says their roots are invasive i go not to me i don't really care what is invasive me means that they just roots go anywhere i don't give a shit i don't care i see okay they're great and you can't see through them they're great privacy hedges she's like they got these great cherry blossom privacy hedges i think we're gonna go with those their roots aren't invasive and now i'm thinking in my head i go i bet invasive root means bigger tree i bet an invasive root that's like saying

like uh you know you know he's got big hands well then he's got a big dick i need a big dick in this situation so i'm like i maybe i want the embed we buy these fucking goddamn cherry trees and we must have gotten the fucking most rescue cherry trees you could ever see none of them none of them are even at fence height half of them bend over because they grew too heavy so they're just bent over these are the bane of my existence and I'm and the whole time I'm just like I knew what I wanted I said what I wanted and then I got convinced by you and another woman to get something else and I told you I want these and both of them said no this is the problem

with men invasive you don't want invasive roots it's going to tear up your fence i go hey i won't need the fence once these once these trees are fucking fucking kareem abdul-jabbar high i you know dude uh yeah i i i feel your pain there's there's like don't you hate as a married guy when the decision's already made and they still come and ask you that's one of the things where it's just like i literally now so many things my wife asked me i just laugh going like i know you've already made up your mind yeah you know what i mean it's just like it's it's it's a wrap like um yeah that's the thing that's my you know i have a lot of issues with this whole narrative as they say that that guys

are just like married women are just these kept women and blah blah blah and i just want to be like where i mean like it just seems like the only way to have your woman like that is you got to be like abusive yeah i like those wife beater guys like they're staring at the ground afraid to do anything like i mean if that's the way you want to fuck it i mean who'd want to do that to somebody but like everybody else if you if you just oh wait wait, this is going to sound like I'm having, if you don't slap the shit out of your wife, you ain't going to have her in life. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying like, if you try to do what they tell you to do, oh, wow.

Can you imagine if this whole fucking thing, this whole woman's move was really just about to eliminate the physical superiority as far as strength generally speaking of a man towards the woman and then shift the game to a cerebral thing their strength the way Jim Irsay sat on the competition committee and made the Patriots defense illegal then he stole our offense and won a fucking Superbowl, right? Like what if they, if that's the way they were going, I like that because then what happens is all you got to do is learn how to play their games. And then you get better at it than they are.

And then they let you win. And now you, now you're reading their playbook. This is like a fucking movie, Bert. This is a great idea i love that every sports guy goes i actually can understand that analogy that's perfect yeah they just flip it on us so all the mercy help make fucking rules the guy who calls everybody else a cheat help make fucking rules that was advantageous for the time how his team was built that was that classic one where we fucking shut him down and they bitched about to the refs and they said what they're doing is not illegal then they made a tape

him and peyton manning were talking about it they're like it's not illegal and then the next year it was illegal and within two years of that and and ursa sat on the competition committee i'm not saying he was the only guy but he was in there running his yap and within two years of that they they beat us um with our own offense and shit which i gotta tell you is fine i don't have a problem with any of that. Well, the problem I have is that then double back and be like, Oh, they took some air out of a ball. It's just like, yeah, you fucking changed the rules, buddy. Good on you, but quit your fucking crying. Yeah. I bring this up fucking 15 years after it happened. The only thing that is more upsetting about customer service there's nothing worse than bad customer service and especially when they don't give a shit when they don't give a shit

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match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up and give you a full refund if you don't love it. Gross. But you will right now.'ll be enough dna on that thing to plant it at a murder site right now helix is offering up 200 off mattresses off mattress orders for our listeners get up to 200 off at helix sleep.com slash bill burr h-e-l-i-x bill burt b-e-r. Hey, I went and got a CT scan today, Bill. Oh, you did. I got my heart scanned. Have you ever gotten one of those? No. They check the amount of calcium in your heart to see if you're going to have a heart attack? No. How are you looking? I go to our cardiologist on Tuesday. I got to tell you, Burt, there's a lot of people pulling for you.

Because their excuse will be, not because they even love you. That's a given. Yeah. But we want you to be okay. So we'll know that we're definitely okay. Even though we have completely different DNA, whatever, genetics.

Because there are those people. Because my buddy tries to show me this guy who lived you know he lived to be a hundred and something and one of his things was what what do you do he goes I have a cigar every day and he goes see dude it's not bad it's like well somehow for him it is like it's it's like there's a whole recipe going on there what else is he doing what What's his genetics? Yeah. Is he one of those guys that just walks around?

Because I know guys that just like to chew on him. Oh, I have a bag of cigars right here that I haven't been drinking this month. And I've lost 16 pounds since the beginning of the month. Dude, you know how much clearer your face is? Can you see it? Absolutely, dude, because a lot of times you'll come on here and you look like a yachtsman. You know, like you just – what's that big yacht race they have down there?

America's Cup. America's Cup. Remember that year we lost it and everybody was freaking out in Australia and we were like, what happened? How many years did we win that? I didn't even know that was the thing what are there a bunch of rich people in australia who roots for anybody on a fucking yacht i always just see there's always like guys doing this shit with the fucking oh yeah i was watching i'm not drinking and i was watching uh the darkest hour have you seen that it's about winston churchill okay and this is what i i love winston churchill uh i i might

need to get a big poster of him for my new podcast studio if i don't i i learned you know i learned about him uh um iron maiden reallyiden, right before Ace is high. This is fucking, the speech used to give me chills. He's like, we'll fight on the land. We'll fight on the sea. We'll fight in the air. We will never surrender. It's just like that fucking attitude.

It used to get me amped the fuck up. And that used to end me up to go to the gym. I can't imagine, you know, they're handling the blitzkrieg, and he's just sitting there. I mean, that's a fucking leader. Oh, yeah. Which is what we have been missing. I don't think we corrected the problem.

But it's what – I mean, I don't want to see either one of those guys on the center that neither one of them has the joe montana vibe if you know um but winston churchill smoking us you know and that was that uh keep calm and carry on it's just like we ain't going anywhere buddy yeah you can kill some of us but you're not killing all of us and then the payback's coming and he was right they wanted to give they wanted to surrender they wanted to negotiate with yeah you can kill some of us but you're not killing all of us and then the payback's coming and he was right they wanted to give they wanted to surrender they wanted to negotiate with hitler and and and winston churchill was like you don't negotiate with a fucking madman you don't negotiate anything he says we're going to be under his foot with a nazi flag flying above

westminster that's not going to happen. And he, but this is what I love about Winston Churchill. He starts his morning with a breakfast, eggs, bacon, a little juice, some water, a cigar, and a cup of scotch. Every morning he started this. And then at lunch, he had a bottle of champagne. And then at dinner, he had a bottle of champagne. and then he'd start having scotch through the night and he slept he took naps during the day and i i swear to god bill i i wish i wish i had done my birthday right because what i would have done is i would have had my wife bring me breakfast in bed with a couple scotch

and a cigar and i would have a cigar in bed with a scotch eating eggs reading the paper dude you call it winston churchill day winston one day because none none of us could ever measure up to him but for one day we all live like that great man a bottle of champagne at lunch a bottle of champagne and at dinner i mean it it looked like i was like i need to have a cigar in my bed one day dude you know when i lived like that well you know i i went over uh three times i went to paris one time i went with my wife on our honeymoon and i lived like that for two weeks and it was fucking amazing i i basically um no i think it was our second trip there god we've been there three or four times i think it was our second trip there and we stayed in the seasari these mall um the right side of the river we were supposed to be on i think it's the left

bank i don't remember right and we just had this killer fucking apartment. And there was this little bakery downstairs that made these little fucking donut balls that they injected with. I don't know what. So I would go down and I get some eggs. And then I come in there. I would order that was doing it all in French. I had it down back then. Like when I'm over there, I get it fast so i was ordering all of that and then right up the street was the cafe where uh ernest hemingway used to drink uh dumb dumb as well it looks like two maggots is what it looks like it says in english but i would just sit there and every day we were like what you know what to do we're gonna go over to the louvre today blah blah and we would never make it we had the best time we were just oh look at that cafe we got a drink here and I would just sit there dude we'd start getting stewed at about 10 in the fucking morning and we had nowhere to go my wife you know smoking a

cigarette or whatever and I'd have these little shorties that I would I'd always pick a table to the outside and I would just sit there and smoke and I would order the beer over there uh you know what was it what was it the beer I would get uh excuse me uh monsieur uh uh and get this beer the 1665 and then he come back uh the mem shows which just meant more of the same right and I just started hitting those things and i was like i gotta figure out how to order uh scotch and in in uh in french or whatever we would just get fucked up and then we would take an afternoon nap and then we would go out and get some ridiculously rich french meal and um we would just up at all hours of the night and it was it was um i can't even tell you like it's it was magical it was magical i just met awesome oh dude we went and we once we the first time we went we were more

like tourists but the second time we lived there so we would go down in the market i knew what time to get up to get the to get a baguette before it uh they were all gone for the day and um my wife would already be making the eggs she and she learned how to kind of make them that french style that sort of runny cheesy egg style yeah yeah she did them like that and then i would stop off that little bakery which we were heartbroken because we came back two years later and that place had closed um you can never go home bert it always changes a little bit, right? And we would just sit there and I would get a bottle of rosé and we would split that for breakfast and we had a balcony and then I would go out and smoke a cigar. And I'd wait before noon before I'd have a little

heater or something like that. And we just, we laughed, hung out, we made love. We had, we laughed, hung out with my love. We had, oh, dude, we just had, we had the best, the best time. And then the other time, you know, we went, both other times we went there. I guess, no, we went there three times. So the other time our daughter was born. But after we were there, we then went down to San Tropez. And that was just, and we were there off season because that place is a shit show really i think during the summertime we got there in like april so there was like no there's like one road in you can sit in traffic for hours and we got there and drank at this there's a famous cafe there it's all in red everything in is red they have all these

pictures from like 40 years ago of you know young mick jagger with like you know cheryl teagues or some supermodel from back then and i remember the level of money that was there was just we were just total rubes they saw it on us right right? Just sitting in my stupid sweatpants, smoking a Cuban, right? And I was smoking a cigar in that cafe and there was all these yachts backed up. Okay. It was like the cafe. And then there was a road, a little road, and then a little boardwalk. And then the dock where they were backed up and the fucking guy's TV was so fucking big on the boat. I was in the cafe watching, watching his TV on his boat. You know, it was funny. I thought I was, what the fuck did I think I was watching? I can't remember. There was a great joke at the end, if I could remember. What I thought I was

watching versus it actually was, was my eyes were just starting to go. You know what I mean? If you and your wife went back to paris and she said let's go back to paris just me and you would you give yourself a week of boozing and cigars or would you stay on the narrow i wouldn't leave my kids like i wouldn't do that i'm taking them with me my i that's the thing it was not even the booze Oh, you'd want to be the whole family there. Yeah. But I got to tell you, dude, like. Because that sounds romantic as fuck. It sounds so awesome. It was.

Yeah, my wife's a really special. My wife has an amazing spirit, like incredible energy. And that just drew it out. Like, you know, I was with this beautiful woman that I just married and I was in Paris. And if I wanted a Cuban cigar, I could get it. I knew my phone wasn't working over there. I had nothing to do, but just like chill out. And what's so funny is their food over there. Like is so much better than here in that. Cause it's not like poison. So I gained weight, but I mean, I would have put on like 20 pounds instead of like seven, you know,

and dude, I was going fucking hard over there, boozing and like the booze alone should have done it for me but like um yeah that's kind of a wild thing like our food over here like they go around to other countries they try to force them to take it and they go no we're not taking it they they they created a court these fucking evil corporations created a court that's somehow above the court of your own country to force you to take the food. Do you understand like the fact that they're going after comedians and shit, it's just a misdirection. Like the level of evil that is, that it's like, we're not, we're not going to poison our own fucking people. And they're so greedy for fucking money that they create this

thing. There was another thing. It's like, okay, you can sell it here, but you have to say what's in your food. And they're like, we're not doing that. Jesus. Dude, Dean Del Rey just told me he used to drink like four, like five or six, like diet Cokes every single day. Yeah. And when he decided like, oh man, I got to get off this shit. Like he's having these massive headaches and mood swings and shit. And according to him, he went out with this chick and she saw him drinking a Diet Coke and she somehow was affiliated. This is all alleged, although this is the internet, so you can say whatever you want, right? We're saying, you know, I used to work there. My old boyfriend used to work there. They used to put that shit together wearing a hazmat suit.

old boyfriend used to work there they used to put that shit together wearing a hazmat suit i mean dude it's it's it's nuts and they'll come at they'll come after you for saying shit like that this is all alleged but um so that's what i i did find was uh you know i don't know i just went way off the rails but but paris is nice central i want that i want that trip i want i want a winston churchill day and i want a trip i want my wife would never like we went we went wine tasting one time and my wife just got wasted and then i had heart palpitations all night and i was like and she went like she she couldn't like she couldn't pace herself she got like crazy wasted and then like was like i think i had too much sugar i'm i can't sleep my heart is racing and i was like i'm still drinking i'm by myself outside

in a adirondack smoking a cigar i was, that's what that reminded me of when you was talking about the champagne. That's what I thought, because we took a tour of the Vue Clicquot, you know, that top level. I'm not a champagne guy, but that's like the best there is. Yeah. And my wife wanted to go so bad. And I was just going like, all right. I'm like, this is, this is a her thing, you know? Yeah. But I'm going to go. Cause you know, I can still get, you know, whatever, have a good time. And we went there and it was absolutely fascinating. I forget the story. It had something to do with them starting it and somebody died.

And then the daughter just took over and was a total like beast of a business person and just built this company. And it's still the same, like, I don't know, these things, these caverns like deep in the ground and the whole time they're giving you samples and you're getting a buzz going and you're learning all this history you know the history from from over there is so much older than here because we killed all the history here if you know what I mean it was people like they go oh the history of the new world is is so much more it's like yeah because

we slaughtered the people that were here every once in a while we'll try to put up a new luxury condo and we dig up some of it you know but over there they still have it so um yeah that really makes me i could run a vineyard in the south of france i would i could i could i mean i don't know if you said my bills are paid and all i got to do is make some wine and that's my that profits mine for the year i could really get into that i could really get into that clay i would just be in my backyard you're like you know who seemed to be living the life there was this killer like 30 for 30 on drew bledsoe yeah and he runs his own vineyard now dude his wines are killing it and he was just still like in killer shape he still got

the great head of hair still looks like he could just go out and throw 400 yards on a sundae and he was just sitting there you know doing the whole wine thing and shit and i'm just like oh man so my wife every once in a while tries to talk me into like you can't just have one it's like yeah that's what i was wondering when you quit did your was your wife like forever no it was a personal thing yeah i told you the story that i i was drinking in my backyard with bartnick drinking this shit kentucky aisle it was delicious and we just watched the first half of michigan ohio state and uh we were smoking sticks and just hadn't had the game on pause and we oh no i remember we were drinking uh we had a little bit of that and we had just a bunch of uh miller high life on ice it was just an awesome day i remember looking at him going like i'm never quitting i'm never

quitting is what i said and then the next day i woke up i was like i need to shut it down for a little bit and it was the end of the year and i was like you know i'm gonna try to go a year for a little bit and it was the end of the year and i was like you know i'm gonna try to go a year i'm gonna try to i'm gonna try to go i wanted to go from january 1st to december 31st no booze and then i wanted to go a birthday june 10th to june 10th so i was like all right do another year and a half and then it was just so easy to keep the weight off yeah and i didn't have any of these massive massive lapses in judgment where i just said things and did things and then had to apologize and it was like um and then i had the whole thing is my kids have never seen me drunk is a i think is a good thing and like yeah i mean my daughter turns 21 she's like come on dad have a drink with

me i'll be like all right you know i'll have one then so club soda kenny's like that he does it like that really when his kids turned of age he would have a drink but he he would have one and then just shut it down my thing is i just for a while i just couldn't shut it off it's like a boxer when they have to get that first concussion first knockout then all of a sudden it's easier to knock them out like i just i kind of i pushed through something i pushed through something evil burt and there was no my thing was uh you know after after we had that friend that got hurt uh i had a moment of of appreciation of like mobility like just watching someone not be able to get from a car to a bed or get from from from one place to another I I remember that that night getting out of my car and feeling like like a little fat right getting

out going like god damn it oh fuck and i was like hey wait i don't think it's supposed to be like that and i and i said i'm shutting it down i'm gonna shut it down for the month of december and i'm gonna lose weight and i'm gonna feel better and i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna finish these i'm running a thousand miles this year i go i'm gonna finish this thousand miles and i'm going to like, feel good about this thousand miles. And man, I'm telling you, I feel like I've lost. You know, dude, if you just, you don't got to shut everything down. If you just do it in moderation, you, you,

you're running a thousand miles cause you have to. Yeah. It's just like, you, you know, it's you, when you have that thing, I always call like some of you, do you want that? I'd be like, that's a plate full of sit-ups. That right there is at that's two hours on an elliptical. I fucking hate doing the elliptical. And then you're going on the elliptical and you're wearing out your knees and your hips doing this for like an hour, all for like,

you need your knees and hips for the rest of your life. Joe said to me one time, he goes, Hey man, i'm worried about your knees running and i remember thinking oh i guess just joe didn't know anything about knees because like what are you talking about i want a treadmill i'm going straight i'm not juking that's how you hurt your knees i didn't realize that my body was not meant to carry an extra 150 pounds on the top of it. And my knees were only meant for a hundred. Like you only get the ligaments that are meant for the size of the body. You've got. Yeah.

Lean and mean dude. Lean and mean. Dude, this guy's like when they really get into working out and stuff, they become obese with muscle in a way where it's just like, as much as it's tone and all of that, and they look shredded and everything. If you, if you have a little assistance getting into the next weight class like that's when you start really uh i don't know put doing wear and tear you know the power your body has

the torque when you're turning with all of this muscle and stuff i mean obviously i don't know tiger woods is back. Yeah. And you can really, but, but it really fucks with your feet and your knees too. You can even go that way with like muscle. So like, um, I was, you know, I just did this run through Texas. How was that? It was wild, dude. It took a lot out of me cause it was two shows a night, eight days. So it was 16 shows, 16 plus hours of stand up. And we were outside and it was cold. Most of the nights it was, it was fucking cold. And I was joking on stage that if I had done my whole stand up career outside, I would have been retired by now.

if I had done my whole stand-up career outside, I would have been retired by now. We were all like, we were just outside for like four or five hours every night. It was like we tailgated for eight straight days. Yeah. And Kenny was going like, what's this red thing? Is this a bug bite? I go, I think that's windburn, dude.

You've been outside in the elements. Like, so you got to, you know, drink some water, put some lotion on it or something but like the the crowds were amazing and um the food was incredible dude i got i got a place for you the best brisket i've ever had in my life hands fucking down the pecan lodge pe. Pecan Lodge in Dallas, Texas. Oh, my God, dude. First of all, it wasn't that thin shave thing. It was a thick cut, I mean, thick for brisket. Dude, I've never tasted anything like that. Like brisket, a lot of times, you know,

everybody flips out about it. I'm not like the biggest brisket guy. I'm a pulled pork dude. So, yeah, I love pulled pork. So the, that thing though, something the way it was, I can't even, I can't even describe it to you. It was just, it was just melted in your mouth. It was un-fucking-believable. And what was funny was we tried to order it the second night in a row and it wasn't there. So we ordered this other shit that didn't travel well and I ate it.

And I was like, ugh. Right? So the next day I was meeting a buddy of mine. And I go, let's go to the Pecan Lodge. And they set it down in front of me again. And for three days in a row with barbecue in me, I almost puked. I was like, I can't fucking eat this shit anymore. I kind of ruined it.

Yeah. Because i overdosed but now if like i would go back there in a second that was the best barbecue and then my favorite guitar shop in the world is in houston texas what's the name of the guitar shop southpaw guitar and all they have is lefties oh they never have left dude and they have fucking everything it was so cool i went in there with dean and i bought a couple of guitars off them and i was so tempted because you just can't get them like that anywhere to get another one and i'm just like i have so many guitars that i don't have time to play right now like i'm gonna get another one and then i so I didn't get one. And now there's two of them that I'm thinking about going like,

fuck, why didn't I get those? I'm like, I'm glad. Well, I should have got one of them, but I didn't. You know, I don't know. But. Well, let's go watch the football game. Yeah. Dude, I thought you literally froze up there.

No, no, no, no. I'm thinking about i was thinking about guitars i have five guitars and i have them all in cases and i can never get to them so i never play them but i want to have it out on a stand have them out on the wall so you can grab them that's when you that's when you feel inspired just grab them and play a little bit well dude that's what was the difference between between me playing drums and trying to get to another levels. I soundproofed my garage and I got my drum. So I got guitars hanging in there. And I got an old Rickenbacker left-handed bass that's killer. I got some sick, nice stuff. Nothing too crazy. I didn't spend too much money because I didn't feel like I deserved them and then also if I didn't end up having time to play them but uh you know I went in there looking for a telly and I just didn't see anything that stuck out but then I saw um a couple others that I was just like my god they're just amazing I mean yeah I'm a total nerd for that stuff but yeah I agree with you let's go watch the

football game awesome um great to see you dude I'm glad you're having a nice healthy month here. Let me and everybody else know on the next one, we want to know, you know, your CT scan or whatever the hell it was for your heart. Oh, I will definitely tell you. Yeah. Okay, cool. And I just had my heart checked out. I'm looking pretty good to go. And I got a physical coming up. So I'm doing all the right shit here. I've had too many friends have issues. That's all I kept saying was I kept saying, I don't like that shit.

I don't like going in for the CT scan. But then I was like, do it. And then you know you're not having a heart attack within the next two years, three years. Or yeah, if they find something, they can just go in and take care of it. Yeah, take care of it. Before it's like a problem.

Yeah. What happened to us, Bert? We used to just talk about where we're doing spots and where we're drinking afterwards. Now we're talking about, you know, it's good to get your heart scanned. It's staring right at me, Bill. It's right here. Oh, hold it up again. I want to see it again.

Buffalo Trace. What is that? Oh, it's a fucking fine whiskey. race what is that oh it's a fucking fine whiskey that's another thing i miss about like fucking whiskeys and bourbons just the bottles and the labels i was just thinking that it works of art you could sell so much more water if you sold it in old whiskey bottles i'd drink so much more water if i could put it down in a in a handle of jack daniels i know dude you know they always like for the photo shoot of the bourbon whiskey they always backlight it and you just like yeah to this day dude if i if i could say anything if i did anything

it would be bourbon i really got into that shit i i, I, you know, all right, dude, you're making me thirsty. No. Yeah. Okay, buddy. We'll have one for me. Thank you everybody for listening. This has been another wonderful episode of the bill. All right. Love you, buddy.