The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 42

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about 'Winston Churchill Day', trypophobia, and welcoming committees.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time... Wait, that's not how I do it. How do I do it? I'm doing the podcast. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Oh, it's going to go. It's time for another wonderful episode of Bill Burr. No. Hey, what's going on, everybody?

It's time for another wonderful episode. There it is, of the Bill... Burr... Pod... Cast. There we go. Forgot how we did the intro, Burr been here how you been i've been good man i've been i've been stressed this covid shit's got me stressed got me stressed i've taken vaccines coming next month you take it you just start walking around like this you're lethargic you don't care what the government's doing to you

yeah i'm by the way cold again i mean i'm at the point where i'm gonna take it without no questions asked i'm gonna take it every doctor i know has taken it and and or so they say our cardiologist took it and he told me he goes why wouldn't you take it i'm a fucking doctor he goes dude what what was the analogy he used? It was an analogy on maybe cooking steaks. And he was like, if he said cook it on medium high for seven minutes, you'd do it, right? And I was like, yeah.

He was like, I'm a fucking doctor. I took the fucking vaccine. So I feel so bad for them. It'd be like, I don't know. I'm trying to equate it to our business. It's the most unfunny people. Because I look at doctors, they're some of the smartest people. And then you have some of the dumbest people ever questioning, you know, or saying that I know it better.

It would be like somebody who just was never funny ever in their life saying that, I guess, I don't know. That's a bad analogy no it's you know during the holidays i would have thought you would have jumped in and saved me there but you didn't you just let me die in the vine on that i saw i saw uh i let me start this because i i people can screw things bad i love godfrey but i saw god i watch his instagram stories all the time, right? Or his videos. So yesterday I'm laying in bed, panic attacks, and I see Godfrey. I go, Godfrey, somebody can calm me down, right? He didn't calm me down in the way I thought. I thought he'd calm me down with comedy, but very seriously, someone goes, he's reading comments he's reading comments he's like

do i believe the moon landing was rigged he goes yeah i don't believe in the moon landing and he just kept reading and i started laughing so hard i was like you know how your brain it's like my brain got so separated from what i was thinking about where i was like hold on godfrey's both of his parents are two of the most educated human beings in Chicago. Godfrey grew up in a household where books were worshiped. And then I started going, do I need to do some research on this fucking moon landing? Like,

do I need to go like, where's my head? The internet is not research. The internet is not going to the library is research. The internet is not research because there's there's no there's no governor on it anybody can post anything as fact yeah oh i watched a video uh 10 reasons mississippi is the worst state in the world and i started watching it and it was just and by the way you start you start watching it and you're like this all adds up they're like mississippi has the fattest human beings living in our country mississippi's education system is the low and there is no footnote to back up this

facts that this it's a child saying it a child saying it who's got a grudge some girl from mississippi broke his fucking heart oh he's an alabama guy alabama shits out georgia shits on alabama alabama shits on mississippi mississippi is is is uh the north's fault why is that because we won the war and we fucked over the south yeah we fucked them and they're still recovering dude we moved down there we moved to north carolina in 1987 my dad got transferred because of business and we went down there we were all like c's and d's and we immediately all became a's and b's they were like 18 months to two years behind in school it's just it's it's, it's not right. Those are Americans. We shouldn't have left them like that.

You walked up and there's a group around the front of the room by the chalkboard and they're, and you're like, well, what are you guys working on? They're like, how do we get this pencil sharpener to get it so sharp? We're talking like a stick sharp. And Bill just goes, you mean like this? They're like, Oh shit. and Bill just goes, you mean like this? They're like, oh, shit. You're Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting in the South if you just did that.

I mean, it wasn't that bad, but it was like literally, you know, instead of doing algebra, they were like adding fractions. It wasn't like years behind, but it was significantly, it was like you stayed back a grade, but you went there and you had progressed a year it was weird oh that's fucking hilarious now granted this was you know 33 years ago so hopefully it's it's come back around but like i like how like when they shit on state impoverished states they they act like they made the decision to be that way i want want, I need, I need, I realize I'm watching this video yesterday and

I realized I've never really been to Mississippi. Like I've never been to Mississippi. I've been there, man. I've driven through it on my way to New Orleans, but, but it has its own, it's got its own vibe. Like any state, it's that weird thing where it's, if you're driving to Alabama, you wouldn't know it unless there was a sign but you get out and you talk to people there's definitely a uh it's definitely a different vibe like if it was the three bears the porridge would be too hot when you were in Georgia and it'd be too cold in Mississippi, and I think Alabama's just right. I always thought going to college in Mississippi would have been amazing.

Going to college, if you're a sports fan, well, you were in Florida, man. Florida is the South. You guys just for some reason are like this appendix hanging off of the country, and they just don't. I think it's because it's also like Miami which is considered like you know it's one of our best cities best looking women all this money all this beautiful stuff to do down there so they got that so everybody all these people they kind of fly over Gainesville in uh all of that or you just go to Orlando with your family, go to SeaWorld.

Like I feel like Florida is kind of like a one night stand like state. You know, some hot chick you bang, but you don't get into a relationship. You know, you go down to Miami, do a little blow. You know, you call up a modeling agency, you throw some dollars around. You know, you meet that Epstein guy, maybe go to his island. Then a couple sunsets, you're on your way. Yeah. And then, and then I think, you know, and then when you settle down, you forget about all the hookers you banged in. You have some kids, then you go to you flying for like two, three days, you take a monorail. You look at some imprisoned animals. Take a monorail. Yeah.

You do that, and then you leave. That's kind of what it is. But around all of that is real Florida. Mississippi gets a bad rap in the south, I think. I think Arkansas gets – what state gets the worst rap out of all the states? I think Mississippi does. You know? Oh, I thought you were going to agree with me. I thought you were gonna agree with me i think like oh my god you nailed it i think it's i don't know shit about it but just

as far as me doing weekends down there i felt like um in mississippi you did you did stand up i've never done stand-up in miss. Yeah. Mississippi was the deepest into the south I'd ever been, where it was like, you know, you go in the capital, whatever the hell it was. Is it Jackson? Jackson. The State House has the Confederate flag flying over. Yeah, they just got rid of the Confederate flag in November.

Yeah, well, you know, there's people like it means different things to different people, but you kind of have to I think you have to address what it means to, you know, the Magnolia. I would I would think you can't be like, well, to me, it just means Southern. There is something really interesting about it. You can't really cut that part of out of it out you know what i mean you're sort of like cutting out a whole thing ignoring it i know but here's here's where the devil's advocate okay but like growing up in florida we had no civic pride right like there was no like what is the word civic mean meaning i i didn't give a you didn't give a

fuck about Tampa. Like, you were like, yeah, I live in Tampa. But, like, no one knows that we had the Bucs. They were horrible. We had no baseball team, no hockey team. People's grandparents lived there. So, like, you didn't – like, if you lived in L.A., you had the Dodgers. You had the Lakers.

You were like, ah, we're L.A.,'re la you know nwa if you lived in boston boston had nothing but civic pride brought boston oh you threw nwa in there i was nuts i was gonna be hollywood actresses yeah but like the dodgers the lakers nwa i never i was jealous when i first moved to new york and i'd and like people were like yeah i'm from brooklyn and the room would go nuts or they go uh yo so i grew up in the bronx and everyone was like yeah bronx boogie bronx downtown boogie bronx whatever and then you'd go to like i remember performing at at uh fanniel hall and and people would say where they were from like you'd hear the guy go i'm grew up in Southie or whatever.

And everyone's like, oh, like we didn't have that in Tampa. You couldn't be like, so I grew up in Brandon. And everyone's like, oh, yeah, that's right outside. Yeah. And so, but. Ybor City. I grew up in Ybor City. But somewhere like Mississippi.

I grew up in Ybor City, but somewhere like Mississippi. And it's interesting because their civic pride is tied to the Civil War somehow, meaning like they remember the good old day. My granddaddy came. That was my great-great-granddaddy, you know? Like it's an interesting kind of like civic pride people people look out their own heads dude so their experience was the north was fucking them over yeah and then they they wanted to leave they fought and they lost so fuck the north that's what that and they completely ignore it's like how some of the most progressive people out there

are still walking around wearing clothes that were made in a sweatshop by some crying kid. And they're standing there like, you know, he, she, or him, her, whatever the fuck you're supposed to write on Twitter, right? Yeah. I don't think it's he, she. It's definitely not he, she.

I'm trying. I'm trying to keep up with the kids here i can't um so they're so like and women are beaten every day and i always every once in a while just picture the person that's so together whatever dress that they were fucking wearing just watching it and just seeing the irony of this person who feels i I am a really good, caring person. So I think a lot of stuff that people do, just sort of the average offensive shit, they're not even doing it on purpose. They're just doing it out of like, it's like the world begins right here where I am. And my problem is in that direction. And that's what I i'm looking at and i don't see any of this so a lot of it which is why like when people judge people on the internet where it's just to me oh

he's in the clan oh this person does this blah blah it's like dude that there's a whole uh spectrum of of yeah there's like full-on like yeah i'm flying the confederate flag because you know fuck this shit and white power and all of that all the way to like somebody just looking out their own fucking white head and seeing what white northerners did to white southerners and that's what it means to them so it's a you know it's it's it's one of those things where you just you're not gonna, you know, that's its own mini pandemic as far as there's gonna be people

with 50 million different theories and shit that makes sense to you will make absolutely no sense to somebody else. That's why we're doomed. Bert. Did you see them go after Kylie Jenner the other day? I don't know who they are, and I don't know who Kylie Jenner is. Jenner is obviously part of the Kardashian clan.

Yeah, Kylie Jenner is- With a C, people. Not with a K. Sorry. She, I guess, had worn fur at one point, and these animal rights activists attacked her. I guess she was shopping somewhere. And one of the people that works at that place.

Wait a minute. Somebody in the Kardashian. I didn't think they had to shop anymore. Yeah. I thought they just sent them the shit. Sorry. I guess, I guess,

I guess they're throwback people. They like to go walk around the store every now and then. Oh, yeah, slum it. Yeah, why wouldn't you just want all the shit sent to your house in a pandemic? Why wouldn't you just be like, hey, can you just send over a truck, and we'll go through the truck, and then we'll send the truck home with the shit we don't want? Yeah, and if you're in the Kardashians or Jenners,

you're in the Kennedy family of fashion. Can't you just say, hey, I saw that bag. I'd like to wear it and take a picture of it on Instagram and you'll sell 10 billion of them. How does that sound? Dude. Or she could go to the store and run into a bunch of animals like you and me. Pivot, a distracting pivot from this story is I watched a documentary on Macho camacho uh hector macho camacho yeah there is a very he's passed away i'm not mocking a dead man but there is a very heart heartwarming

moment where he starts to pop right he starts to really get his momentum and he has i wish i could get i mean i wish i could show you representation he has designed outfits that he would like to start wearing but he's done it with crayons and and scissors so he's like drawn it and then cut it out and he's showing it to people like like so what do you think of this and you're like i mean it's it was so heartwarming because you're like you're like he he's he's got the he's got the confidence he always needed in his life to get out of his comfort zone and go you know what man i'm an amazing boxer but i'm also a designer and i want to show you some of my designs but he's done it with crayons and you're just like oh my god like my

your heart breaks for that guy going like fuck i mean bill it's almost like if i said hey design an outfit for yourself to wear to the emmys and you went okay and you did it yourself with crayons and scissors and then cut out your feet and then you like put it up to your head you're like what do you think about this i mean it was anyway i would love to say that i wouldn't do something along the lines of that but i i will i would have a piece of paper would you make a vision board vert hey wait let's talk about the the day so they had she went to the mall and they attacked her hold okay will you please google andrew you please google uh hector macho camacho uh fashion designs and see if you can find the cutouts he made it is precious anyway so they they attack her and and it's you what you said is they go after her

and they are calling her an animal and a monster and they're trying to block her car but they've got their iPhones which was made in a sweatshop by a child right they've got megaphones that were made in China by some poor woman making a penny every every every every hour and that they're oblivious to all of the hurt they're bringing on to people. Their focus is the animal and Kylie. So their righteousness is kind of an ignorant righteousness, if that makes sense. No, that's why you can't be preachy on a podcast or, you know, I'm sure I've been guilty of that. I try not to be. How about that? I'm a human being. I fail a lot. All right. You try not to because you can't live up to it. You can't live up to it.

There's no like, I remember when I first was reading about sweatshop labor, I went on the internet and I tried to find clothes that were not made in a sweatshop. And there were these clothes called, it was called No Sweat, was the company line. I don't know if they're still around. And I looked at those clothes and I was like, if I wear those down to the comedy cellar, I might have to retire. Patrice, Kev, Keith, all of them, Voss, Norton,

they're gonna destroy me so bad. And I chose my own, I chose myself. myself and I was like to heck with those people that have to work there I don't want to go down to the comedy cellar wearing these clothes and take a trashing so you can't refer I mean she she worked for me you know it's like it's so did Cameron and so did uh so, so did guy guys, people were, don't out these other people. Then they're going to, I mean, I'm, I think you, I'm sure you could find it. I'm by the way, Cameron probably is like, yeah, I'm actually, I didn't wear fur. I'm just guessing. I'm guessing.

I'm guessing that pink Panther. Do you remember that, that what Peter Sellers and that one movie with that woman, that hot chick was just walking around with nothing but a fur and high heels on? Oh, my God. I don't know why I just thought of that. Yeah, fur used to be the shit. Fur used to be the shit.

Who was telling the story? Oh, my dad was telling the story of he had a buddy who were four. The guy's passed away. My dad had a rich buddy. I won't say the guy's name. And the guy said, you know, he was a pilot back in uh vietnam and so he could fly my and he says to my dad why don't why don't me and the why don't we take a group up to um up to uh new hampshire one of those like little sea towns like a nice little sea town but it was also what the beauty

of it is it didn't gentrified but there will was still the segment that was a fishing town it still was a fishing town so you had legit mark walberg george clooney and those guys coming in from the sea and he said you know there's a great bar that the locals hang out at al you want to go down and get like uh go get a cocktail my dad my dad through and through will net he would never claim it he's a blue collar guy his dad was blue he is that's how he identifies he wouldn't say it out loud he that's not his brain doesn't work to find value in preaching that but he is a blue collar guy he he goes and meets a guy downstairs and the guy is in a mink uh a mink vest my dad's like i don't know where he's taking me and they walk right to the ocean and go to this

dive bar that only only that only fishermen are at And they sit down and the guy, the lady goes, what can I get you guys? And my dad goes, whiskey, neat. And she goes, great. Looks at him, says, what can I get you? And he goes, okay. Can you make a graham cracker martini? No, we didn't. Oh, God.

And she goes, I'm not really sure I can. And he goes, if I pull it up and show you the ingredients, can you see if you have them make one? And she goes i'm not really sure i can and he goes if i pull it up and show you the ingredients can you see if you have them make one she goes yeah and he goes and i hope this isn't too much trouble you don't have an umbrella to put in it we're on vacation oh my god my dad said he sucked down this drink so fucking quick and he was like let go, go, go, go, go, go. And he was like, let's get out of here. And he goes, she really kills those graham cracker martini. How about one more?

My dad goes, oh, fuck. Oh, my God, dude. I got so uncomfortable listening to all of that. I would have ran out of there. I would have canceled his order. Would have just been like, sorry, he doesn't know any better he doesn't know any better just get him a budweiser oh and a and a jameson or something so do you want to hear you want to hear something amazing bill i thought about you all christmas morning all christmas so my wife listened to our podcast oh no yep and she said to me i got you a present and i just

wanted to let you know i've been listening to bill burt and i went i'm not i don't think i'm super kind to you on bill burt she goes why i didn't catch any of that but i think you're gonna like your christmas present first thing she got me i wish i had it with me i almost wish i had it with me because i couldn't understand what it was it was uh it looked like it looked like four fat like it was a silver a gold thing and it had like four little sticks coming up out of the thing and i go i don't know what the fuck this is and she goes keep opening so i open up another thing and it's a crystal glass, like a nice highball crystal, crystal glass.

And I go, okay. She goes, keep opening. I open up another thing and it's a little glass spoon, like a crystal glass spoon in a crystal glass jar. She goes, keep opening. I open it and it's a crystal cigar holder. And I said, what is this? And she goes on January 24th, you will wake up like Winston Churchill. Those are everything that he had on his tray. No way. I'll serve you breakfast in bed. You can have a cigar and a whiskey

and really enjoy yourself the way Winston Churchill did. Bill, I froze. I started tearing up. And I went, you listen to me. Like, you, oh my, and she goes, did I do good? Did I do good? And I was like. You crushed it.

You crushed it. This is, and she goes, I've got some more things i do good and i was like you crushed it you crushed it this is and she goes i've got some more things coming they couldn't get there in time but this is the base of it oh my god we got you a nice tray and the girls were there they're like so january 24th we're gonna wake you up and everything's gonna be done really nice and that thing was so you could put your toast in it and your toast could stand up like the little first thing she gave me and i'm like oh my i'm like i go what she goes well i heard you and bill talking about it and i know the way you guys were talking about it made it sound so romantic and i know you get your hat your you hang your hat on that that the idea of it so me and the girls went and watched the darkest hour and we took a picture of everything on his tray,

and we just went and bought it. That's amazing. My Bill, I was fucking floored. Oh, my. Dude, that's – So if there's any women listening here, if you can figure out what your man's Winston Churchill breakfast is, because a lot of people aren't into whatever we're into.

Dude, that's the little effort thing. I mean, what that's going to do for your relationship for a good six weeks? Just first of all, the anticipation of it. Oh. And then at least for the next month. She did that. So, you know, you know that she loves you. Yeah.

That's it. She loves me for who I am. I, Bill, I wanted, I got on my phone. Then you're going to do it. I got on my phone. I'm sitting there still on my phone. Like, and I'm like, can I take a picture and send it to you? Then I'm going to FaceTime you.

And then, and then I, and she goes, hey, what do you like? We want more. And I go, no, I want to call Bill. And she goes, fucking tell Bill later. We got that for you. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

I was like, my first instinct was to call you and go, Bill, look what I got. You're never going to fucking believe this. You call me like you're at the sports book and you just hit your three team tees trying to call me on Christmas day that's fucking awesome man oh i was so floored i kept looking at her i was like wait do you get to smoke the cigar inside in bed bill i get to smoke a cigar in bed in bed In bed. In bed. I feel like if I was doing that, I would be like, this is like I died or something. Yeah.

And I did good enough that I didn't go to hell, but not good enough that I get to see all my friends. But if this is what it is, and I got a TV, I can do this. Because I can smoke and I'm not going to die of cancer now. I'm already dead. This is fucking great, dude. I was so fucking floored. I was like, I,

I can't, I couldn't say anything. Like I was, I kept going like, and then all through the day I go, you, you fucking killed it. You killed it.

Like you, you killed it. Like, and then my, and then Isla, I mean, and here's the other thing is then like, so then they,

that's my reaction to them. Then Isla, I mean, and here's the other thing is then like, so then they, that's my reaction to them. Then Isla, I hope she never sees this. I mean, it's just a weird present. She got me acid wash jeans and a ATO sweatshirt, like my fraternity sweatshirt. And she was like, I know you like time travel. So now you can dress like you used to dress in the past and i'm like huh dude were you on this is my life this is like the i'm this is like the perfect christmas and then georgia goes georgia goes i know your spirit animal is an owl like you every like for whatever reason i see owls everywhere and i always go there's my she goes that's your totem is an owl she goes i got you a pinky ring with an owl on it i'm like that's

the greatest and i go but i'm not like a pinky ring guy and she goes well you are now because it's a great pinky ring and nobody can challenge it either like i thought it got me this song that i liked owls was i not gonna wear it i and i'm like and i love owls i love owls and so i like walked away and i was like i mean i was like i that's the best christmas that they could ever like it was just so thoughtful that like i i was i was just sitting there going like and then i got them i got them a couple axes a switchblade some golf clubs like my my presents didn't hold up compared to theirs i know they they kind of opened with the closer hey you know what that remind me of you ever watch uh when an owl like protects its young this is killer video of the thing it like it's it's young

we're behind it and it was some sort of snake or something trying to slither in and the thing like i'm trying to do is they put up like it's all of its feathers like that and was like doing this shit with this fucking scowl on its face and it it looked like it looked like it was in some killer movie and you came around the corner and this this this was like the head of this badass gang like in the warriors or something and you were about ready to get the fucking ass kicking of a lifetime. And if you can find that video and post that to our listeners, it was like they were in like an attic or something like that. It might have just been the thing reacting to the camera light.

But the way like so many animals, they try to make themselves look bigger. The way that it went down and put all of its its its tail feathers the whole thing put it up and was like moving its head like that with that you know they just always look like they're pissed off i was like these things are the shit dude my my dad goes he's complaining about my mom uh like christmas christmas night we're at my sister's house and uh he's complaining about my mom he goes yeah the internet's not good for this woman it's just not i mean she there you know kids are fine with the internet people our age should not be on the internet and he was like you know sometimes i look at her and i go i don't know who i married and i'm like what are you talking about he goes

some of the videos she watches he goes goes, I walked in the other day. She's been on her phone. I don't know what she's watching. She's been on her phone for like 30 minutes. She's watching jigger removal videos. I go, what's jigger removal videos? And he goes, it's these worms that grow in African kids' feet, and they've got to pull them out with a knife.

And I go, and so immediately me and my sisters google jigger removal and it is fucking fascinating it's like all of a sudden me and my sisters are like oh my god and it it it's there's there's a a word of there's a word it's called tryptomorphia or tryptophobia I think it's called where you're where you are um you you get you're a a averse to looking at a gathering of small holes do you know you know what i'm talking about no it's it's called tryptophobia i think it's what it's called gathering so if you you saw somebody's pores you'd be no yeah yeah kind of actually um is it is that a good kisser. I get in close to your face, and I can see the pores, and it freaks me out. Is it tryptophan?

Your mouth is a big hole. Do you have a picture of it, Andrew? So, now, some people are hardcore adverse to this. If they see this picture, it freaks them out. Like, stuff like that. It's like a sponge. Yeah. No, no, but it's the whole gathering.

Well, this fucking jigger removal... And, by the way, opposite trip what is it that what is it grosses them out or they feel like what if i was walking there and i fell in it no they have a phobia they see it and they just go oh god oh fucking god oh god oh god god can we can we please pull those up oh by the way have you pulled one up of the woman's nipple? Have you seen that one, Andrew? No. Tryptophobia. Woman's nipple. It's a Photoshop someone did.

And it was like the biggest thing on Facebook where it would show up in everyone's corner. And they're like, do you have this? And everyone's like, I fucking hope I don't. But this jiggering. Is it tryptophobia or a nipple with a bunch of holes in it. You see tryptophobia nipple, Andrew. I'm looking. So anyway,

this jigger removal, it ultimately triggers that tryptophobia. So some people can watch it and go, Holy fucking shit. And like freak out. And some people like me, I love it. And so all of a sudden,

and my mom, for whatever reason, when you see a gathering of, Oh, you see that nipple one? I saw the look on your face. It's aggressive. Hold on.

Let me share my screen. And it's just, I mean, I see it and it makes it for whatever reason, it calms me down. Like makes me like. All right, everybody.

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are built with Zendesk. Get started at zendesk.com slash Bill Burt. That's Z-E-N-Desk.com slash Bill Burt. Blacks. Do you see that? Yeah. So people. I mean, it just looks like something you'd see in coral reef or something there's a honeycomb i think one of the ones you just pulled up was fucking jigger removal yeah the nipple one was what that would pop up on on ads this is the image that does absolutely nothing positive or negative oh i get so excited i see that and i want i want it to happen to my finger i want to have holes all over it i'd fucking stare at it all day long and i'd fucking fill it with hydrogen peroxide oh god but these fucking well maybe you ever think that maybe you should have been like a

oh god but these fucking well maybe you ever think that maybe you should have been like a dermatologist oh my god are you kidding me i can't if i i i think there's so much shit i could have done that i just didn't know would have like been like like an itching my itching that can i get that oh my god is a ringtone that was one of the greatest oh my god oh my god jesus christ burt oh i would have nobody's just a hobby for you and you're this good at it you really wanted to be a dermat he's like the fucking carlin a dermatologist we got him out here telling fucking shit jokes at drive-ins have you ever seen have you ever seen uh dr pimple popper my wife would watch that oh pimple popper my wife would watch that oh when she gets a dilated pore i i get my i get so my daughter and i text back and forth pictures of dilated pore removals like consistently okay i can't afford to have a strong bond with your daughter.

My daughter, I walked in one time, she goes, she's on the computer and hits pause and I go, what are you doing? And she goes, okay, have you ever Googled fat people falling? And I was like, Oh Jesus Christ. I have too. And I was like, I've, I've, I've, every, every way that you can fall and fail. I think I've watched, like,

it gets like really specific. They'll have like mailman failures or just like, I'm just, I can't remember like what exactly it was, but like, I just started thinking like, I was on there and I just, you know what? Cause I went down the rabbit hole.

I was trying to think what else do people do that they could fuck up. I just, you know, because I went down the rabbit hole, I was trying to think, what else do people do that they could fuck up? I'll tell you, the ones that really are hard to watch are those fucking kids that do that shit where they leap off a building, do a front flip and try to land on a garage and then do a backflip off of it, dude, I got to tell you, it takes a lot to break your fucking neck. Like some of these X-Gang kids and shit, the way that they fall or like people just doing backflips and they just kind of go up in the air. They literally leap up in the air. They're like five and a half, six feet off the ground. They bring their feet around and just go straight down with all their body weight. And it's just like, how do you get up after that?

And they come right down like BB on the Buffalo Bills at one time. We just bounced right on his fucking head. Like there's gotta be some sort of compression, but I just can't believe they can even walk after some of the stuff they do. And like skateboard failures, fails,

those fucking kids. And it's gotta be a thing. You just can't wear pads. You can't wear a cup. Dude, these fucking kids just coming in, you know, like 90 stairs. And they just go off the top and come down. And their skateboard disintegrates. And their legs, their knees or something blow out.

It's just like those things are uh it's weird like what i'll do is i'll i can't watch them but i have them on i just put my hand over the video like there was one one time it was like if if if the dictionary which i'm sure at some point will become like on the internet as far as like instead of definitions they'll just have videos yeah for agony there was this guy i remember this was on the opie and anthony show a long time ago they played it this guy was doing that thing where you got the spikes inside your your on the inside of your like legs climbing up a tree you know those things yeah he went up there and he had his cinched with the belt and he was cutting down some stuff dude and he went straight down and shattered his legs and dude the agony the ag it was this ear piercing scream

and it was after like the third ears piercing scream that was agony when i just see it was like a i can't even do it it's just oh it's just like fucking oh it was like the most pain you could endure without passing out it's like what is it when i saw that because you hear like those fucking lunatics when they torture people they'll shoot you with adrenaline after you pass out so you wake up and continue the agony dude human beings are fucking horrible and i would just watch that and to know that that guy didn't pass out from that i'm like what in the fuck are they doing to other people oh here it is look at that thing it like bends down so you see the back tail fetter comes

up too. God damn. He's just like I'm going to fuck you up. You come here. We hunted with owls in Scotland one time where we what's it called when you hunt with birds? Falcon cresting?

I think it's called falconry. Oh, it is? Yeah, I think it is. And so we had a bunch of different birds, but the owl was the baddest. Just big white owl sitting on your arm and you just, you wouldn't even see the fucking rabbit just that's correct yeah and it just comes down foom foom kips it up cubs around

takes it back drops it it was it was insane so the skill of that hunting is to train a bird of prey to do that dude they got these things amazing they got these things down so good uh well i mean i've done it a bunch so it all blends into one but this guy could take his bird and and almost tell him like go there there and there and then come back and this thing would just i mean fly right up like we'd spread out he'd fly right up to you and dodge right by your face it was fucking insane how did you find out that place like i go to scotland i'm like all right let's go to a pub oh yeah no that was travel channel some of the shit we did on travel channel oh you know when we did when we did our tour this uh the the few tours through the country i called up one of my travel channel producers and was like hey can you produce our tour

meaning like find cool stuff for us to do send it to us and i mean you get there's certain people that are just especially like reality show producers there's they've got a web of stuff that they know is cool it's the same stuff you see on every Travel Channel show. But she got us one fucking, one RV park that we parked at that was on a cliff in Amarillo over a lake. And it was so gorgeous. And we just watched thunderstorms rolling off this lake. And I was like, God, I've seen.

That's amazing. I've seen some of the coolest stuff. I've done things that I've done. You know what's great about that? That doesn't take up space in your house. It's an experience. Like, I had a great Christmas because all I got was socks, T-shirts, and a pair of sneakers.

And I was just like, I am fucking good. Yeah. I don't need anything. I have a fucking million hoodies. You know? I got this hoodie. Yeah, it's just like, I don't need any stuff. Christmas is for kids unless you're going Winston Churchill breakfast.

Oh, I mean. Like, I feel like I had a better Christmas because you got that. I was so impressed with that woman. And today is our anniversary. And, uh, she's like, Oh dude, do you want to hear something fucking hilarious? I wake up and I'm like, and I'm like, uh, I go, God damn it. Our anniversary is either like today, tomorrow or the next day. It's right around here. And so, and I go,

and I look at my phone and I can't find it on my camera right I can't find it because normally it says you on the new app on the iPhone you swipe left and it'll go this day five years ago so I'm looking for any celebrate and it's but they're not coming up I can't find it so I'm like I'm like I can't text Leanne and be like is today our anniversary that's not romantic like the girls are asleep it's like seven of the photo album from your wedding with the date on it no no i mean that's all back when you took pictures like no there's no nothing up there and and we're kind of in the middle of like moving a little bit so leanne's taking a lot of the pictures down so i'm like fuck so i put it on i put it on Twitter because Leanne doesn't follow Twitter I go

hey how would someone figure out what day their anniversary is and all of a sudden a hundred dudes chime in with how they figured it out and they're like okay go to Facebook find your events find the data and so like they're going all through all those things then one day I just up and he goes hey Bert googled Bert Chrysler's anniversary found you posted this 10 years ago on Instagram. Your, your anniversary is today. Big guy. I was like, fucking the internet kills it. Fucking amazing. Oh, so fucking amazing. I was like, and then I, and then I walk in bill. I look at Leanne. I go, happy anniversary.

She goes, I forgot. And I went, well, I didn't. That makes me feel better because me and my wife never remember ours. Never. No, not that we don't remember that. We forget how long we've been together. Like, neither one of us. Like, I think I'm more into, like, dates and that type of stuff than she is and I'm like you know half-assed I mean as you were saying that I was like I have

to make sure my agent doesn't you know there's you know there's my daughter's birthday my son's birthday my wife's birthday and our anniversary like I just can't work on those days and you know what that means right like the best offer. Like Steven Spielberg just called. He wants to give you half of his estate if you do five minutes of shit jokes on your anniversary. Does Nia have a say in how much you toured?

Does she ever go like, hey man, or are you pretty level-headed going like, I can't do that much? Both. My wife's cool as shit. She'll just be like, you going out again?-headed going like, I can't do that much? Both. My wife's cool as shit.

She'll just be like, you going out again? She'll be like, oh man. She just does that. And that's enough to give me the little twinge in my heart to be like, ah, I'm bumming around.

Okay. You know, and then now I got like, my daughter's been getting on me. Like my cigar smoking days are almost over. You know, or at the very least, I'll have to just do it randomly at other people's houses because, you know,

I try to sneak one when she's taking a nap every once in a while. And I have the curtain closed and I tell my wife, you know, keep the curtain closed because I'm on the back porch. Right. So she came out and she couldn't find you know the christmas dinner some sort of ribs or something she opens up i can't find the ribs she goes oh wait i know where they are and then she just walks away and she was in such a panic that the christmas dinner was going to be messed up that she left it open and then my daughter comes to the window and sees me. She calls it blowing smoke.

She's like, dad, dad, why are you blowing smoke? She's holding it. She's like, I don't like that. I don't like that.

Dad, I want you to stop. So she's at her grandma's house right now. Right. And she called me last night. I call her up. I love when she picks up the phone. She was just,

she goes, Hey dad. I call her up. I love when she picks up the phone. She always just, she goes, Hey dad. I'm so excited. Like, Hey buddy. You know, and I sing her, uh, usually a song from the jungle book or whatever right now. She like said, I want to be like you. And, uh, she's like, so what did you do today when I wasn't? So I told her all this stuff. She goes, what else did you do what and then she goes did you blow smoke and I go no I didn't she goes good I don't want you to do that anymore I'm like oh man she's serious so I have the cigars that are in my humidor and I am not accepting

anymore someone tried to give me two was like I can't so um I think what I'll do in the future because I got nothing left burt i got nothing left okay a root beer and a cigar is all i got left a root beer i love fucking root beer i love it too you can't drink too many because then you ruin it um that seems to be the rule with everything yeah no it is and there's all these fancy ones but at the end of the day child sense memory there's nothing better than A&W it's just it is what it is so yeah so I was actually thinking I got time after this podcast and I'm gonna have a quick one and but I am I mean you know I gotta do I'm an to have a quick one. And, uh, but I am,

I mean, you know, I gotta do, I'm an old dad. So I gotta, I really gotta watch myself. You know, I went to the heart doctor.

I got my heart. And then I went to the thing where I got my heart scanned. You did the CT scan? Huh? You did the CT scan? Yeah. Did you get your results yet? I don't know where they sent them.

I think it's to my, my cardiologist. Yeah. I don't know where they sent them. I think it's to my- Cardiologist? Yeah, I don't know. I'll have to ask him. But he also gave me the name of someone who gives you a physical. I'm just going to start going like every six months. And like my New Year's resolution is I'm going to have like one salad a day. Like when I do that, it keeps the weight off.

It also keeps sort of the sugar salt thing under control. But I don't know, that whole like going like, you know, meatless and everything. Those people, they have to, you really have to know what you're doing. If you just go vegan and all that, very quickly you start looking like a prisoner of war. Like you're wearing dirty pajamas.

They're hanging off you and shit. I got a friend of mine that did that stuff. And I think he's figured it out more, but dude, like he got to the point where like his body was eating itself. It was, he was like, he was so gaunt.

Like his, you could see like his cheekbones and shit. And I was just like, there was a point in the beginning. It was just like, yeah, man, you look great. You look great. And then it's like, there was a point in the beginning. It was just like, yeah, man, you look great. You look great.

And then it's like, whoa, hey. But you have a pork chop there, buddy. Something is not in. I'm not saying that either one is better or worse. It's kind of like what works for you. Because I will say I've never eaten a vegan meal. You said, and this this is true getting salads prepared and ready in your fridge to go was fucking key dude i made one yesterday holding my son

because i had i had cucumbers tomatoes all cut up and i had chicken that i had already baked cut up and then i had and i had already washed all the head of lettuce, and that was all done. All I had to do was throw all of that in a bowl, a little red wine, vinaigrette or whatever, a little olive oil, and a little bit of salt. Shook it up, dumped it in, and that was it. What about a meal delivery service that sends you healthy meals? Could you do that? No, I can't because it's so much more.

They claim that it's less waste than going to the supermarket. Because my thing is, then all of these fucking plastic tins, then I just recycle them. You know they just throw it in the fucking ocean. But there's the other side that if I go to the grocery store, all that shit is wrapped in paper and plastic and all that crap and they're unboxing that but then my thing is is like well so you still got it so it's like you went to the grocery store for me but now now you have to have these fucking tins that you put it in um i don't know i have no idea i watched something last night

on the travel channel speaking of oceans and waste and everything. Or I don't know. It was the E Travel. Dude, it was one of the worst fucking shows I've ever fucking seen. First of all, they kept going. And this is big with celebrities. They'd be like, Leonardo DiCaprio.

And it would just be a picture of him. It wasn't him there. It was just some stock Getty image or whatever. And then they just kept cutting. They cut to Ricky Martin three times talking about Mexico, just going like, oh, the food, you know, great people, great food. And they just kept using that thing. Every time they go to Mexico, they would cut to Ricky Martin, like he's been everywhere in Mexico. So, and it was all of those like the number one thing that I fucking hate to do when I go on vacation especially if I'm going to a non-white

country is to fly down to the to the colonial white fucking uh resort and you're standing in a bar pool talking to some guy from Cleveland, right? The whole thing's fucking white-owned. And then they show, they go like, in like Tahiti, they go, and we have culture night. And like then all the locals come in dancing with fire and all of this bullshit. And it's just like, the whole thing is, it's just gross. I had that experience when I went to the Dominican Republic.

And they just got us in this van and blew by some of the most brutal poverty I've ever seen in my life and the next thing you know yeah we're in like a bar pool and I'm drinking a rum out of a fucking coconut going what the fuck did I just see and then they're sitting there fresh towels and blah blah blah and it was just the whole thing just seemed bad so i ended up going off the reservation going into town one night and people were looking at me and i was like oh this is stupid because now i'm gonna take the beat down for whatever those fucking people that built the resort did i need to go back to the resort you know some guy who almost wasn't quite sammy sosa and didn't make the show,

but still could swing for the fences. He just couldn't hit the curve balls. Now I'm going to hit my big fucking melon as I walk down the street. I had to get out of there. I have been, for the longest time, the longest time, every time I travel abroad,

I work on the same bit of, it disgusts me when we go to like Mexico and you're with all your, like for me, I've been so many times. And you're with all your white friends. And then the Mexican dude who lives in Mexico comes up to take your order and everyone goes, oh, hola, como estas? comes up to take your order and everyone goes, oh, hola, como estas? I said, um, tu tienes

cerveza? And then he's got to be like, si, con limon? And they're like, and they're like, oh, con limon, um, tu tienes tu tienes guacamole? And that's always made me fucking crazy.

I'm like, I'm not gonna... I know, it's the fucking worst. If you want to do like, I'm not going to- I know, it's the fucking worst. If you want to do that, I recommend you go to, I got stuff on my screen here. Go to France and just torture them with your French. That's what I do. I do, I refuse. They start speaking English, I will not break character.

Because my whole fucking thing with those fucking cunts are, I have to listen to your English. because my whole fucking thing with those fucking cunts are i have to listen to your english i went to the supermarket and i thought the bit bit bit and i don't sit there going like oh jesus and start speaking his fucking language but the thing is is they're such cunts i i there's something about it i love them yeah and when you go to paris like the way that they dress Yeah. And when you go to Paris, like, the way that they dress, it's so not us where we're just like, you know, just as much flashy shit as you can have on.

Like, you can't have enough shit. Like that stupid, one of those Kardashians sitting there with a thong up her ass doing some picture, and she has a wall of those stupid fucking bags that you can't buy. You got to ask them, they're like maybe we'll make them you know those bags yeah yeah whatever those fucking things are called you go to paris it's just like they would never that would be considered vulgar and you watch them they go down the street they got all mute colors on but nice clothes and then they'll just be the pocket square or the woman or shoes or a bag there's one little pop that catches your eye as she's

walking through one of the most beautiful cities in the world and that's me my wife we just sit there getting hammered people watching yeah yeah look at that i love seeing the old ray winston looking guys even though it's sacrilegious because he's he's from fucking uh england or whatever yeah i saw him in a steakhouse one time, middle of the day, dressed to the nines, pocket square. So that's what I think, old school,

classy guy. You see those guys where it's still, you know, they're still wearing like the tight shirt, you know, it's all tucked in and shit, you know what I mean? But because they're dressed dapper,

like my wife looks at them and like, and thinks they're cool.'s it's when you're like that shape and you're still wearing like cut off sleeves like we do here sweatpants and your fucking ass crack peeking out you gotta you gotta give it up you gotta give it up for the guy that works like there's my heart swells for the guys when you go just off the cruise ship right just to those bars right off the cruise ship and in Cozumel or Cancun and the the Mexican guy that just takes one for the fucking team and like and soft shoes it up and he's like and you're like come on South State he's like hey how you doing you want a sombrero huh, I love that. And then he does all this shit.

He's like, oh, tequila, tequila, tequila. Like, I wish we had an American bar like that where you would. Isn't that Hooters? There has to be a thing in those countries where there has to be an insult that that's who you're gonna be as opposed to keeping it real and trying to grind it out and like i'm not fucking i'm not i'm not gonna go work some tourist fucking place and have some fucking freckled cunt from you know from la like me come down there and be like don't be me you know we should open a bar

we should open a bar bill in in like mexico city called america and you go in and and yeah yeah yeah right so then mexicans go in and then i'm like i'm like what's up motherfuckers and they're like hey they're like cheeseburgers for everyone and they're like, hey, and they're like, cheeseburgers for everyone. And they're like, ah! And he's like, who wants to supersize it? I just don't think it works. And then we just play him. We're like, uh-oh,

here comes Chang. Watch out for this guy. We just add in all our American racism and sexism. Hey, you can smack waitresses on the back of the ass still. Yeah, I don't know. I don't't know if you could go down there and somehow uh i don't know i already lost my idea yeah i don't

know human beings are terrible the stuff that we do to each other i saw a fucking thing the other day showing this kid starving in africa the mother crying and all the kid needs is fucking food all he needs is food and And it's this stupid charity. And I got to sit there going like, you fucking pieces of shit. You showed that thing. You're going to keep most of this money, aren't you? Oh, yeah. Is that what you're going to do?

Yep. Oh, buddy. Oh, I saw one of those the other day. I saw one of those the other day. I saw one of those the other day there, Bert. And it was attached to all these famous women who are all taking salaries. Oh, I heard about this one. Yeah, they took salaries, Bert. And it was attached to all these famous women who are all taking salaries. Oh, I heard about this one. Yeah, they took salaries, Bert. Who takes a salary from a charity? They took a salary, Bert.

Oh my God, that was big news. Oh, people got canceled, Bert. Oh, careers were through. No, nothing. Nothing happened because it was women. Fucking ridiculous. They sit there talking about a double standard because of the stupid stud whore thing. Get the fuck out of here. Our dog's in heat, and I keep telling my daughters, because our other dog's trying to fuck the dog in heat, and I keep jokingly saying to my daughters, you know she's

asking for it like she's it's her fault and my daughters don't they're like stop saying that i think you fucking believe that like you are you are wording it in a way that you know what you're doing yeah oh fuck fuck happy for you bert i gotta get a good christmas coming. I'm happy for you, Bert. I got a good Christmas coming. I'm really happy for you. A good Jackson. I would like, my wife would do that for me if I asked her. I don't think she would.

She wouldn't let me smoke a cigar in our bedroom though, which is a huge ask. I wouldn't do that. When we first moved in together, uh, me and Leanne, we, she was running an apartment building and she had a one bedroom. She had a two bedroom apartment.

One of the bedrooms was her office where the computer was. Now she also had clothes in that office. It had a closet. So she had clothes in that office, but I didn't know that because my clothes were just in, we in the shared closet in the bedroom and we've been living together maybe two weeks and i get and that's when poker online was big and so i pour a whiskey i get on poker i get like uh two hundred

dollars in my account and i smoke two cigars back to back in that room. Oh, that's awesome. The next day, he gets in the car and I fucking go, did you smoke a cigar this morning? She goes, no, but someone smoked two where all my clothes are and so now all my clothes smell like cigars. And I was like, oh, fuck. Dude, your wife's a champ and she stayed with you she's a champ you have no idea what a champ she is she had no idea what it's my relationship's going great right now because i got some great advice give it to me great advice uh kevin bacon

said this in an interview he said uh you know because he's been with his wife for a long time, Kira Sedgwick, right? And they said, they always say, you know, marriage is a lot of work. And he goes, no, it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. You got to make sure you make them laugh. And I've just been doing this thing, trying to make sure, keep it light. And I try to make a laugh every day. And just doing that alone, even if I don't get the laugh because i bomb a lot even if i don't get the laugh the the effort there's there's a lightness because i'm a cunt you know i'm not gonna lie to you i am a moody i'm a moody fucking person and uh oh dude i fucking in this i fucking snapped in this bathroom thank god i was downstairs

i i have such a fucking issue with designed obsolescence where you make they build something so it works long enough that you can't take it back but it's designed to fucking fail. So you have to throw it out and get another one. That should be illegal with what's going on in the environment should be legal. So one of the big fucking things is we have, you know, what's, what do you call that little brush there that you use for the toilet?

Like a little, like a, to scrape the shit off the back of the toilet. Exactly. What do you call that thing? A toilet brush. All right. Toilet brush. Sorry. I feel like I'm on family feud and I'm the dumbest member. Um, the back of the toilet exactly what do you call that thing uh toilet brush all right toilet brush

sorry i feel like i'm on family feud and i'm the dumbest member um so i went to use one of those i was cleaning the cleaning the bathrooms because uh you know the people clean our house are sick they're not feeling good so like yeah yeah stay away right stay away whatever we'll handle it so i vacuumed the whole house and i'm doing the bathrooms. I got this weird thing, dude. I fucking love cleaning. I actually really enjoy like vacuuming and cleaning up and shit. I don't know why. It's fucking weird.

I just, I'm into it. Doing dishes and shit. I like doing it. So I'm cleaning the bathrooms. I'm having a good time. And this fucking thing to handle comes off. And I see that it's machined where it just screws back on and it won't fucking go back on. And I keep thinking I got it back on. I can't get it to catch. And it fucking falls.

And it goes into the fucking toilet. Right. And I caught it right before it went in the water. And then I go to do it again. And I had it all together. And right as I set it back down the thing, it just right as it touched the bottom it went like that wiggled hit the side of the bowl and went into the water and i as loud as you could yell i just go fuck and dude if that was in a movie and that was a comedy bit if you saw me sitting there it was like i love luc Lucy with the chocolate things, except me with this shit scrubber. Yeah. Dude, I fucking, thank God I was, I'm downstairs, you know, and I'm in the bathroom and the door was closed and nobody heard it.

And I think my wife was up, was, you know, all the way upstairs, so she didn't fucking hear it. And, but like, I do stuff like that all the fucking time. I lose my shit about like inanimate objects and stuff. So I definitely have to keep it light. I think that was the purpose of this story. I just relived the anger that so much came out of what I was talking about. But I do remember you got a cigar. Oh, I said to my dad, he goes, we're smoking a cigar. And he goes, you got to cut back on these, buddy.

And I said, I think I'm done after this. I smoke them with you. I go, I think Bill and I are going to try to get together and have like a socially distanced cigar before New Year's. And he goes, when are we doing that? And I go, I think it's just me and Bill. He goes, the old man can't come? I go, I don't think so, Dad. And he goes, when are we doing that? And I go, I think it's just me and Bill. He goes, the old man can't come? I go, I don't think so, Dad.

And he goes, why? I go, because you just became a big fan of Bill's, and I don't want to sit and watch that. He goes, hey, I can play it cool. I go, the fact that you said you can play it cool means you can't play it cool. He goes, hold on one second. I'm your fucking dad and if i

want to hang out with you and your friends i can hang out with you and your friends i go i'll run that by bill dad your dad seems cool i go i go dad you can't get there and go hey the time you told the story on i go you can't do that about bits you can't you just hang out you know me he'll be over me in three minutes and i'll just be another one of your jerk off friends we'll have a great time he's gonna zoom in or he's out he's out here he's out here he's out we we took him out in the tour bus and so we got we gotta hang yeah yeah yeah yeah i told him i said i said uh we're on our we are on we're doing covid tests every fucking day now i'm fucking i'm done with this goddamn virus. I'm done. Done.

Fucking done. And by the way, when the vaccine comes out, I'm getting it. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if it gives me a tail, bigger ears, the government can track me. I don't give a fuck. Dude, speaking of that, tail and bigger ears and shit, I watched Pinocchio with my daughter. She did not like that movie. Wait, the new one? No, the original one. Oh, the new one's scary as and shit. I watched Pinocchio with my daughter. She did not like that movie. Wait, the new one?

No, the original one. Oh, the new one's scary as fucking shit. Dude, the old one, they're just reprimanding boys the whole fucking time. You lie, your nose is going to grow. I figured out what the fuck they did. Then they started turning into, she was just going like.

Donkey Boys. Yeah, she was just going like, I didn't, she's really like good communicating. She's like, Dad, this movie is scaring me. I don't like this. Why is this no girl? Why he has ears?

You like that? And she looked at me going, you like that? I don't like that. It's like, hey, dude, I don't need to watch this either. My daughter bought the movie. She goes, hey, let's watch a movie. I said, okay. And she goes, you want to watch Ready or Not?

And I go, what's that? She goes, it let's watch a movie. I said, okay. And she goes, you want to watch ready or not? And I go, what's that? She goes, it's like a comedy. And I go, okay. And the whole premise of the movie is it's a, by the way, it's an amazing movie. It's a great movie, but it's not like a relaxing movie that you watch with your daughters. A woman marries into a gaming moguls family, right? And they get married in the first night after they marry they they she has to play a game with them and the game they play is hide and seek and they have to murder her before dawn and she's got to try not to get murdered and it is right if she doesn't get murdered then she can

marry into the family if she if she can survive oh well no actually they need they in in the movie they need to murder her before dawn or they die like that's what they that's what they believe and so it is just a horrific fucking suspense it's not it's a great movie but it's suspense and i don't like suspense i don't like people hiding and i and i was like i said to isla i was like why wouldn't we just watch a comedy she goes this doesn't get you excited and i go i don't like people hiding. I hate suspense. And I was like, I said to Isla, I was like, why wouldn't we just watch a comedy? She goes, this doesn't get you excited. And I go, I don't know if I like this. Like, I don't think I care to like this.

Like, I like. You know, I get through those movies. I root for the bad guy. I just sit there going, kill this motherfucker. I'm so sick of giving a shit about this stupid fuck who went into this place to begin with. That's what I do because I'm so sick of giving a shit about this stupid fuck who went into this place to begin with. That's what I do because I get so fucking frustrated. You know, you hear the monster in the house. You got a kid. It's the old Richard Pryor bit. Leave. Hello. Goodbye. Out. I'm done.

Hey, I saw a good movie. An old French movie from 1955 les diaboliques um i saw it on the criterion channel which is like smart netflix yeah d-i-a-b-o-l-i-q-u-e don't watch the 1996 one uh q-u-e-s i got it yeah watch that one um really uh interesting twist and all that type of it's just really interesting movie and i guess it was a precursor to some hitchcock movies and stuff because i've been trying to like dude i'm gonna learn i'm learning French. I'm getting this shit down because I want to go over there. And I want to act like a dumb American and just listen to the shit that they say.

Plus, I always wanted to learn another language. And I flunked it in high school. So did I lose you, Bert? You're just disappearing into your phone. I telling you this i think it's it's either french or spanish um oh okay the bad and by the way i'm i'm like uh i would say a connoisseur of time travel movies i watched tenant five times okay i watched it five fucking times. Tenet is amazing. Amazing. What is Tenet? Tenet's a new movie by Christopher Nolan.

It's got, I think, if I'm not mistaken, I hope I heard this right, but it's got Denzel Washington's son plays the lead. And it's in a world where... In a world. Where I don't think I'm giving anything away, but they have meshed time

Andrew's blocking his ears go ahead I can't hear you say it I didn't watch even the trailer so I'm just but go for it I don't want to give anything away but it's a world

where objects can move forward and backwards, and it is fucking amazing. It's amazing, but you know it's amazing because I love a movie. I used to hear people, like Leanne would read fucking those Jane Eyre books. She'd read them like three times, and she'd be like, I just could read it one more time. And I'd be like, who the fuck reads the same book twice? But I could watch, I watched 10.

The first night I watched it with my whole family, half the people didn't get it. And the second that they didn't get it, I went, okay, I'm watching this again. And Isla was like, we're definitely watching this again. We watched it the next night and I'd read some articles and I was like, like okay now i've kind of got it i'm watching it one more time i watched it the third time and i get it and i go now i'm watching it the fourth time and i'm gonna enjoy it and i fucking dude i there's a movie you know

i did that with uh no country for old men oh is it a movie like that you can watch over and over again but everybody was bitching about the ending did i ever tell you my theory on that movie my please do my theory is that was such a funny time to ask you about that did i tell you my theory that thing is you're drinking that thing i'm like okay either he doesn't give a shit or that drink is delicious um i feel like tommy tommy lee jones is the main character okay okay and the theme of that movie is that basically things change and if you want things to remain the same you're chasing a ghost and i feel feel that Harvey Bardem, is that the guy's name? I don't feel he really existed. I feel like he represented the change. And I feel

like Tommy Lee Jones couldn't accept that that's where we've become. And I feel like that's why Harvey Bardem's last statement in that movie was, you didn't see me. Like, he's like a ghost. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? I haven't seen the movie in a while. Like, I almost lost it.

I almost drove it off the cliff there, but I feel like he wants it. It made sense. Like, the world kind of makes sense when you're young. Yeah. Because that's the only world you've known it's when you get older um that it stops making sense because it changed and you're like well what's wrong with that the way it was why does it have to change i like this music i

like those clothes i like this team or whatever uh those uniforms. And it just changes. And it just, I think part of it, you just realize like, oh, wow, I really am that insignificant. Nobody cares. They didn't even care when I liked it. I'm just this fucking jerk off going to malls. That makes any sense. So I remember when a bunch of people saw No Country for Old Men, they were stupid. The fucking ending was stupid. That's why I feel like he was able to walk in sense so i remember when a bunch of people saw no country for old men who's stupid the fucking ending was stupid that's why i feel like he was able to walk in in the end to that room and the guys behind the door it's like he's like haunting him you know it's like the past and the future and all of that type of stuff i just feel like uh there's a lot of layers. Maybe I watched it too many times.

No, no, no. Now I'm going to watch it today. Dude, we should watch that while we smoke a cigar. Unless your dad says, I'll shoot the shit. But if you want to just sit down and watch just a fucking killer, killer movie. And Josh Brolin, I'm a huge fan of his. And then his dad, I watched this movie called The Car the other day. and his dad like it's just like they don't make guys like that anymore they don't they really used to be like movie stars actors used to be the guy you wanted to be

and then somewhere as i was growing up they became oiled up with abs. And then after that, it was the man bun era. Yeah. And now I don't know what it is, but it's just like... They've got a handful of good ones. Like Jason Momoa. Momoa? You know that guy? Jason Momoa.

Jason Momoa is a guy I want to be. Like that guy is... Who's that? The Aquaman guy? Aquaman. Yes. And Aquaman was the shit because they The Aquaman guy? Aquaman. Yes. And Aquaman was the shit because they made him

kind of like a booze bag. Yeah. I'm not fucking going to watch Aquaman. Jesus Christ. What is he going to fight a fucking shark? It just was a bad idea

for a superhero. And then I was on a plane and I couldn't leave. I was like, you know, I'm going to give this a shot because this guy looks cool. Right?

Yeah. And I watched it and I ended up loving it. But like, I feel like, you know, I'm going to give this a shot because this guy looks cool, right? Yeah. And I watched it and I ended up loving it. But like, I feel like so many movies now, the big thing is like, they have like a cartoon version of the toxic man that women have been complaining about for all these years and men didn't listen and that type of thing. And then if a guy does anything like manly, he almost has to, even if the character's a good guy, if he does anything manly,

he almost has to apologize for it. It's a really sort of weird, I don't know, everybody trying to be woke, whatever the fuck that even means now. And I also think it's great too that progressive people, that's something else that white people took from black people was the word woke. And they think they're all like, yeah, I'm woke signaling is this like no no you you did it again you did it again you're still part of the problem um all right listen we should

probably wrap this up because uh i got a little bit of football here to watch oh yeah over an hour right oh yeah oh yeah i was watching the Jets and Browns. Jesus Christ. Talk about two teams that love to torture their fan base. All the Browns have to do is win the game and they're in the playoffs.

All the Jets have to do is lose and they're going to have one of the top three picks. So what happens? The Jets are kicking the shit out of the Browns. Maybe they came back. I don't know.

What was your tweet last week? Hey, Jets, one in 15 15 still nothing to brag no no one in 15 is great no one remembers one in 15 you're off the hook yeah oh i see what you're saying oh i didn't i misread that tweet no no no no i i just dude i don't wish owen 16 on any team in the league no matter how much you, you know, I mean, the Jets have been a rival of ours my whole life. They've been the same division. But I don't want to see you go 0-16.

Nobody remembers. A bunch of people have gone 1-15. Nobody can name the teams. You don't remember. But 0-16, they're like the Browns, the Lions. The Buccaneers went 0-14. I remember that. Yeah, you remember.

So, all right, let's, let's, let's wrap up here. Bert, I'm so happy for you and your, your amazing Christmas.

January 24th, I will be thinking about you going, he's probably waking up right now. I can't wait. He's probably making the toast. I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait.

That's awesome. All right. This has been another episode of The Bill Bert Podcast. All right. that's awesome all right this has been another episode of the bill burt pod cast