The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 44

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle about World War I, Bert crushing in class, and political twitter.

hey what's going on everybody it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill what's going on dude uh i've dude i've been thinking about you i've been thinking about you a lot lately first of all man you're all over the media like you were on fallon the other night you were uh the everyone's talking about the Mandalorian I literally it's like we talked about the Mandalorian on here and then all of a sudden everyone's talking about the Mandalorian everywhere I turned Bill Burr defends his Boston accent I was like what the fuck yeah I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know you know it's interesting Bill because I wonder how he responded to know what's interesting, Bill? I don't know how to respond to that. It's crazy.

I had one little episode. I think Jon Favreau and all of those guys are doing a little more than heavy lifting, but it's definitely awesome that people are liking it. You know what's cool about that is that you know, man, I have a lot of thoughts about Jon Favreau now that you know man i i have a lot of thoughts about john fabbro now that i know he's elected in the mandalorian and that are like that i'm sure they are just useless but i bet it's cool for him to make a cool product and then have a guy he respects like you be like the focus of it and he gets to stay in the back and just make shit cool, but watch people like you and Rosario kind of blow up

and talk about the project. Have the project be so hot that just the idea that Bill Burr is talking about a Boston accent is like viral content. Oh, yeah. That was just because a couple of those guys were teased. They just teased me. I'm just messing around. No, I did the Fallon thing.

I forget what we were promoting. Yeah, so I got a couple of those talk shows. Oh, no, the Grammy nomination thing. So you got to be out there in the talk show-a-sphere, whatever the hell they call it. Did you get nominated for a Grammy? Yes. Did you really?

For Paper Tiger? Well, it's not for singing. sphere whatever the hell they call it nominated for a grammy yes did you really for the for your for paper tiger well it's not for singing i do think it's kind of funny no it was it was uh netflix put it on vinyl that's how you can be tone deaf and still get a Grammy. It's kind of weird. But it is its own category. It's not like you win and then Bob Seger loses, you know, because you told the shit joke and he can actually sing.

Who's nominated for a Grammy? I guess I didn't get nominated. Yeah, I'm not going to win it. Just move ahead. But it's so flattering to win it. Just move ahead. It's so flattering to get nominated. It's like Gaffigan, Tiffany, Patton Oswalt. Yeah.

By the way, I'm so fucking dyslexic. I got to give a shout out. Rami Youssef, I guess, has a TV show called Rami. Rami is also, I think, nominated for a Grammy. I wrote Ramy? Comedy? Yeah. I don't get it.

I mean, just as long as, you know. Yeah, it's funny because. To get nominated is great. And then at the end of the day, I love all of those people and their comedy that are in there. So I just kind of wish that there was the actual ceremony if there wasn't all this covid stuff because then i could have like hung out with some comedians i mean that that's how like cooped up i've been like i'm not bummed that i'm not oh i'll get to go to the grammys and see all these rock stars and rappers and stuff that i'm fans of my thing is like oh my god i could sit at a table with comedians and talk to them is is the main thing that i'm kind of my thing is like oh my god I could sit at a table with comedians and talk to

him is the main thing that I'm kind of missing here so dude I saw a crazy movie last night wait hang on the G on my fucking computer's not working so that's why I kept typing in Rami the fucking that's a shitty way to find out

someone goes hey the G on my computer is broken how do you know I was checking to see if I was nominated for a Grammy. Wait, what movie did you see? I saw this wild movie called The Piano Teacher. It's a French movie that came out in 2001. And I'm glad I didn't see it 20 years ago. I'm glad that I saw it now where I finally, in the last like three months,

I finally understand what an abusive relationship is. Because to me, it was normal. Like abusive relationships were just like, I grew up in Massachusetts. It was just everywhere you went you just saw like yo what the fuck are you you fucking idiot get out of there it's like this is all people just verbally abusing each other it's why it was so funny but it's also why you know it was probably 2 a.m in a bar and there was fights and stuff so I don't know so just watching it um i'm not gonna lie to you dude it is you watch kind of like the

first whatever 20 minutes of the film and it's like okay this is definitely unsettling but whatever and i was actually sitting there going like i wonder what this thing got rated because they haven't cursed yet i mean at least in the subtitles they did um but it's definitely an abusive relationship but this is like sort of But it's definitely an abusive relationship. But this is like sort of maybe if there was an abusive relationship. This is almost PG movie, not even PG-13. And then this other thing happens. I was like, oh, maybe this is NC-17, like in a split second.

I heard a long time ago, I think Louis C.K. talked about this movie on Opie and Anthony's show. I was dropping my kid off at school and a parent who's into film recommended it. Because I said, oh, I'm watching some French films. He goes, oh, yeah. He goes, I got one for you. Check out The Piano Teacher. So I don't want to give it away. I just saw that i just saw

the description and i can see where you're like oh i wonder if this is nc-17 yeah i think the trailer like most great trailers it doesn't give away the movie or whatever so it's a weird thing though because i just brought up a movie that came out 20 years ago but i know practically nobody saw it probably over here so i don't want to ruin it but uh it definitely uh this is just my favorite moment in the film spoiler alert is the lead the lead is now she is 67 years old now when she made that movie she was not 67 that's so interesting. I have a hard time watching movies these days that are 20 years old because I start going, everyone's dead.

Anyone, I'm like, that dog's dead. That person's dead. Oh, yeah. You're really morose. You have fucked me up, Bill. I am on a history tear. I'm now reading a book about World War I. I am like, you instantly turned me into an old man.

Because after Flyboys. Here's how that started. Somebody got assassinated in like Austria. Archduke Ferdinand got assassinated. He was. Franz Ferdinand, right? Like the band. Yeah, Franz Ferdinand.

That's the reason why I remember that. It's amazing. You know, I'm not a great reader, so, like, I get half of the information, and then I start telling it to people. Why do you think that is? I don't know, man. Because you're not a dumb guy. But a guy like you with a brain like yours, when you go through school,

did you feel like you were dumb? No, I was bored. I was bored. I always felt dumb, yeah. I was always like always like how can people how can someone hear that i i still to this day don't know how to take notes like i remember was i'd sit in front of paper and go what part do i write down like i get too wrapped up in all the talking to be like in that sentence no no no no no i should be making a fucking graph this should be would you ever sit there faking like you were writing notes all the time i never took notes once in life not once when they take notes on this i have no idea

what they were writing down like how someone would take notes? No fucking idea. It is amazing how not ready for a guy like you school is. Where they, you know, like a guidance counselor, I imagine, you know, from your story you just told, if they were to look at your report card, your level of attention or whatever, how they used to gauge that, they would be like, oh, man, like, I'm not letting my daughter anywhere near this guy. This guy is a loser. And then you go out in the world and do what you do. Like this, there was no class other than being a class clown, because you had a captive audience. There was really nothing in those things that was going to like, I guess, teach you. Or I don't know, shine a light on me. Like, you know, that guy sucks at math, but I'll tell you, he can tell the story.

Yeah. You get this guy on stage without a shirt on, I'm telling you, things could happen. Like, nobody – I'm sure you played shirts and skins in gym class and no one was going like, there goes a fucking headliner. My early shirtless work was kind of notable. I got to be honest with you. I ripped my shirt off at a pep rally one time,

just ripped it off. And I was like, everyone get down here. And literally 900 kids ran down the bleachers, stampeded each other, like on top of each other. Everyone's fucking hurt. Absolute chaos. And Father McGinn slapped me in the chest shirtless on top of each other. Everyone's fucking hurt. Absolute chaos. And Father McGinn slapped me in the chest shirtless in front of my mom. You, Mr. Kreiser?

Mr. Kreiser are an asshole. Whap! And slapped me in the chest. And I went, I looked at my mom. I must have been 16 or 17. I looked at my mom who was standing right there and she goes, he said it, you're an asshole. And I was like, fuck.

Wow. Because I was just going to say I would have loved to have heard what somebody's thought was as a teacher. If I saw somebody, if I was a teacher and I saw somebody rip their shirt off and cause 900 people to turn into Beatleia i was like i'd be like at very least that guy is gonna crush it in sales very least this guy's showing them he's selling the most hyundais this month but they i think because teaching is such a difficult job and it's just like you got the hecklers the class class clowns, the fucking idiots. And as a teacher, you have 30 fucking people who are sitting there. And all they want to do is get drunk, get laid, or get the fuck out of there.

Except for like five, I don't know, whatever those kids were with the pocket protectors, wanted to be there. Like they were probably too burned out. They probably already had too many preconceived notions about you that like like to not see what you were going to be you were just more this this pain in the ass i think class clowns are more viewed as like pains in the ass like i'm trying to get through this lesson this person keeps yelling this shit out i had a teacher i had a teacher in college it was a film studies class it was maybe i'll ballpark it around 800 kids in the class it was an auditorium class and i sat dead center maybe nine rows back like pretty dead center of the class. And he called one time, my roommate, Blair Mendez, who's a lawyer in Tampa now can vouch for this. He called Blair and I were in the same class.

I answered the phone. He goes, uh, Mr. Chrysler. I said, yeah, he goes, um, you were failing my class right now. And I said, uh, okay. He goes, do you have any idea what you're going to need to make on the next four tests so that you pass? I said, probably A's. And he goes, you know, actually you need to make like 120 on each of the tests. That's inachievable. I'm just letting you know that right now. I said, well, is there any way I can do extra credit? And he goes, nope, there is something you can do. I said, what's that bill hand on a Bible swear on my daughter's lives. He goes, if you do not show up for class again for the rest of the semester, I'll pass you. And I said, excuse me? And he goes, you are so

distracting in class, and I can't deny that you aren't hilarious. Bill, I swear to God, he goes, you say some of the funniest things, and when you get me laughing, I really lose focus, and I can't teach to the kids that want to learn. So if you just promise not to show up, I'll pass you. Wow, that's really – it's kind of cool that he said that. I said, deal. He looked like, let me tell you something, Spicoli, you pain in the ass, this is our time. Really fucking cool. And I hung up.

I looked at Blair, and Blair was like, what did he say? I said, he asked me not to show up, and I'm going to pass. And he was like, are you fucking kidding me? He was like, call him back. Tell him I won't show up if he passes me. That's where he fucked up. He should have said, you can't tell this to anybody. And you still would have told him.

I would have told everybody. But he should have been smart enough to say that. Because he probably could have lost his job. Man, I was. And what sucks is, I'm being dead serious, Bill. I was murdering in this class. I mean, I would murder in this class. It was probably the funniest I've ever been or ever will be in my life.

For whatever, like, at my. I had great sex in this class. I would destroy. And I would get this guy laughing. And once I had this guy laughing, he would, he was a giggler and he would fucking double over and he would go to start another sentence and bring back to like, think of what I said. And I mean, me and this guy really gelled. He would love my standup.

Now, if he knew that I am who I am, like dude that i have specials out as a film guy i bet he would fucking love my shit and what sucks is it was a fun fucking class like it was a really interesting film class and man i could i destroyed in this class i was killing so hard every day i got excited to go to this class. That's amazing. My killing in a class, it all depended on, I was really respectful of the pecking order. If there was a bunch of football players, athletes, and cheerleaders, I was like, all right, they are the chosen ones, so I keep my mouth shut.

But then some of my other classes, if it was just sort of the middle of the pack guys like me um i could i could have a couple you know i could get a few one-liners in there every once in a while i don't really i'll be honest i don't really even remember high school it was so fucking long ago my mind was not doing well and i remember getting yelled at a lot. I got yelled at from like junior high on. I got, no, seventh grade on. Seventh grade on. I had a fucking social studies teacher. If this guy could have grabbed me by my freckled neck and thrown me out the window.

See, the difference between you and me, you're lovable, I'm a cunt. And I always have been. And this guy just, he fucking hated me. And I kept, I got a laugh off. He said, well, what if you did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, oh, you'd get sued. And it got a big laugh.

So I just kept saying that. And it was like, I think it was the beginning of the sue happy culture. This was like the early 80s. And he just flipped out going, oh, you see, that's what's wrong with this country. Flipping out. And at one point he got so mad at me. He got so mad at me.

He made me, there was this, I don't know, this table in the middle of the class. Everyone was sitting in a circle. He made me sit at the table. You sit at that table by yourself. So I got there. There was all these regular sized chairs and one really little one so i sat down in one of the regular chairs and he's like in the little chair just sat me then i just sat there going like wow this guy is like really uh this guy's really upset and um

this guy's really upset and um it's i sort of started this thing where like me and my whole group of friends just started getting under his skin and it really bothered him and i remember one point he was yelling at us we were just staring at him we didn't give a fuck and i just remember he goes like oh what is this the gang look and we all just bursted out laughing it we literally had a 40 year old guy unraveling emotionally with like i don't know how old we were like 12 or 13 um that was seventh grade and then eighth grade i remember it was this kid from texas named todd who was in my class and he was the funniest motherfucker I ever met. And that school year felt like it was three weeks long.

It was like going to a comedy show. He was out of his mind. I remember one time he challenged this burnout to an arm wrestle. And he was just stronger than the kid. And he fucking, he goes, all right. And they go to do it. And he fucking, all goes, all right. And they go to do it. And he fucking, all right, one, two, three, just goes slam. And he slammed the kid's hand down. And then started running around the classroom, holding onto his hand,

slamming this kid's hand down. And the kid's going, ah, ah, ah, all around, crying, laughing. Not realizing the psychological damage it was doing to this kid it was back then where you're just like thank god that wasn't me this is fucking hilarious um i had some foreign language teacher i don't know what the fuck happened i told this story before right she was smoking hot she was wearing a dress with a slit up both sides her fucking legs so what do you think i'm looking at right and then she calls on me i don't know what she's talking about and i was i was too young to be i

should have been like well look at what the fuck you're wearing put some fucking clothes on maybe then i'll be able to say uh you're fucking gorgeous and i can see halfway up your fucking dress and i'm in i'm in eighth grade what am I supposed to do here oh dude I had I had my my ability was if someone was on the verge of upset that's when that joke showed up for me like like right when someone's like hey one more word out of you that one more word would just it would like whatever my creative juices would just go like oh i'm gonna find the one word that sends them over the edge i remember we were watching i went for the laugh i would do the one more word and then get detention oh i would go for the laugh but whatever whatever that walk home i remember we were in a fraternity uh we were in a fraternity meeting like a big chapter meeting and you got three strikes

and then you got kicked out of the meeting and i got kicked out every meeting and one time the meeting hadn't even been lasting five minutes my buddy eddie fernandez and i were not friends at the time we were fighting and he was trying to talk about pi fi about the pi fi homecoming and i kept making jokes about homecoming, doing homecoming with Pi Phi. And the president at the time was a friend of mine too. Not anymore, but was a friend of mine. And he stands up and he goes, I swear to God.

He goes, Bert, one more fucking joke about Pi Phi and you're fucking out of here. Do you understand that? And it's silent right 180 guys silent sits down and I lean over to the guy next to me I go two pi fives walk in a bar in the fucking place

and I just that there's something about did he have a sense of humor about it or did he get mad he ended up beating me up because of a joke so no he never he never really appreciated my sense of humor. Yeah. Control.

He was one of those guys that when he was younger, I don't think he's like this anymore. I haven't talked to him in 25, 30 years maybe, but he was a very physical dude. He was like Joe Rogan before Joe Rogan started smoking pot. But this guy didn't have a great sense of humor and i wrote a song in college rogan before the catalytic converter yeah exactly fucking ripped yo collaborators five seven just fucking a muscle a cuban muscle this guy and he was the coolest fucking guy like he was the

he was i'm i was friends with this guy for a very long time he was two years older than me and and then and then i i wrote this song making fun of all the people in our fraternity and i'm and i included his name and he got really upset and he ended up beating me up and sending me to the hospital so whatever he beat you up like that yeah oh it was bad it was pretty bad i was uh yeah so uh and then i never talked to him again i never talked to him again never talked to him did he care uh i don't think he did i mean i think i think he probably i wouldn't be shocked if he went into therapy because of it because uh because i think he he had anger issues that i don't think he was ever in control of yeah i would say that was a bit of

an overreaction is that that's one of those things where it's just like is it really the song or is it your childhood like what's what is i think that was it and by the way i said much worse way worse things about other guys on a fraternity and everyone took it with with stride like laughed at it nobody in the frat tried to break it up oh no it was it was me and him i was playing pool with another guy and he just kind of came up out of nowhere and i thought we were friends i was like come on man well you know let's talk about this i'm sorry i didn't mean to upset you and he just grabbed me in a suplex fucking flipped me on my head knocked knocked me unconscious. I woke up, I woke up. And then I was like, this is like a really intense story, but I, I woke up and I was out of it. I had a really

severe concussion and I walked onto campus and I didn't know where I was. I was really confused. And I, some girl found me crying on the middle of campus. Cause I didn't know who I was. I didn't know where I was. I was, I couldn't,. I couldn't connect two thoughts. I was lost, kind of. I was going to the hospital, and my roommates found me. It was kind of super traumatic. Then this guy graduated, and I never spoke to him again. He graduated. That was during exams. He graduated, and I never spoke to him again. saw him on instagram i was friends with his uh girlfriend that i made fun of too i saw him on instagram and uh they made fun of his girlfriend too yeah yeah well that was the joke yeah but it wasn't bad it wasn't even

bad it was like just her name all right wait a minute yeah you don't have to sing it no i'm not i'm not what not what is the line it's just basically connecting the two that they had sex but they've been dated for four years like it's just it was really a really bad line it wasn't even funny

are you afraid if you repeat it he's going to somehow drive across the country to the valley and drop you on your head again I respect that I'm not going to lie to you it country to the Valley and drop you on your head again. I respect that. I respect that. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. It was a pretty traumatic event in my life. And, and, and by the way, I, I'm afraid I'll run into this guy.

I'm not afraid of fighting the guy or anything like that, but I'm always afraid I'd run into the guy and just, it would be uncomfortable in Tampa. I feel bad for him. I know it's not a good thing in his life. He's got two, they seem very happy right now he still goes to concerts and but uh oh you did a deep dive into this guy's instagram huh the other day the other day someone tagged me in something and he was in it and i went oh i wonder how he's doing like hoping he's doing well and uh and i just saw his wife's instagram i kind of perused

it and i was like oh cool his sons kind of lookused it. And I was like, oh, cool. Son's kind of look like him. Like he seems like he's really happy. Any song lyrics pop into your head? A few. A few real quick ones. And I was like, little did he know I'd be doing this for a fucking living. That he would be the first person to get upset at one of my jokes.

Get in line. That's wild, man. Yeah, it was, uh, it was, you know, so funny. It's all my friends.

Now he kind of, uh, none of our friends stayed friends with him after that. And all my friends now that were in his class and we're friends with him, uh, I'm still friends with, and there,

and it's kind of funny that I became a comedian and he did not, he found me funny. Now he, I don't think he ever found me funny. Now that I think a comedian and he did not he found me funny now he i don't think he ever found me funny now that i think about it he was he definitely kicked me out of all our chapters and everything like anytime we had chapter he was the one that kicked me out control freak too i don't know man he was he was a badass in fighting i will tell you people who like control don't like comedy you know what i mean and that that was you know not to beat a dead horse it was amazing to see certain comics during the height of that whatever the that was what

comics were like going after other comics. When was it? What are you talking about? Maybe what I'm talking about. I'm talking about going like on, on like social media and stuff and like, you know, people piling on and yeah. Validating like,

well, yeah, I remember one time and they're just like helping to throw dirt on the guy. I saw a lot of that. was like oh wow there's actually like comics who are like dean wormer and all those classic you know coming of age movies like the dean that doesn't wants everybody to just not have fun as a kid and study and be fucking miserable because now they're an old miserable person i felt like there was an element of that of like oh this person may or may not be in trouble there they get way more laughs than i do what can i do to help get this problem out of my way it's interesting that that i'll tell you bill very candidly and I'll tell you off air who it was

but I said I I said something about a comic in an interview I just was caught off guard and I didn't I wasn't ready to answer it I didn't know where I should say and uh and I reached out to the comic and was like hey man I'm sorry that I piled on to that I was like I didn't I wasn't prepared to answer a question about it, and it caught me off guard. And, man, when you're getting – when everyone – You should have gone publicly apologized. I don't know.

I don't – it's – man, there's so much fucking – everything is so complicated right now. Where you just go like, I don't know anything, where you just go like i don't know anything so i should i should resign with i don't know anything that's that's the thing well that's my thing about all of this shit it's just like okay if if what you're saying is true that's yeah that's terrible but it's just like i wasn't there you weren't there how can you speak about this with such confidence it's the truth man you know what i mean because you know you you want to make You weren't there. How can you speak about this with such confidence? It's the truth, man.

You know what I mean? Because, you know, you want to make something of this level of importance. You want to make sure you get it right. Because if you get it wrong either way, the level of damage that you're going to do. Like if you are wrong and then somebody who didn't do anything, know suffers it and then you find out it's bullshit now you're fucking over everybody with real stories yeah right and vice versa if you let somebody go you know who actually did something then that's kind of giving license to to other abusers and shit but it's just so my thing is i don't want to fuck that up so if i wasn't there and i have no information about it i don't say anything and now that was the thing that just i found so fucking

astounding especially from people that are in the public eye that understand how uh the way they um what is it like like the Daily Mail. You know, they like doing that. They did that to me one time. Bill Burr says something racist, and they go like this. They put the quotes so you can't see them, but people just read that. They took a clip of my podcast, and I was about ready to go to Australia, and I was making fun of our country and what we did to the native americans and i was talking about uh the aboriginals down there it was making fun of it but they took this

clip and then they read it out of context to you know whatever the original person whatever you're supposed to call them down there is that offensive yes i am offended they just they just manufactured yeah this whole thing and um so that's why i just sit there like the first time that happens to now if that happens to me i'm just like are they just doing that again i guess it's it's a now it's a feather in your cap that they think that people give a about you enough that they can start making up so anyways i just it just blew my mind as a performer to see other performers become that person going you know air quote this you know oh dude you know especially even in my, you know? Oh, dude, you know, especially even in my instance, I was trying to stay on the fence and represent both sides of it.

Like, hey, man, I don't know anything. You see some stuff, and then all of a sudden, it just, there's no fucking, there's no positive out of it. If you know something, then definitely speak up. That's what and by the way here's the fucking disgusting thing is i i won't even say anything there's there are there are women who have done dirt like the women who flicked you in the head of your dick there are women who've done really bad stuff in our business we're not calling out like and that's

like the fucked up thing if you did they don't care it's funny when a woman does something it's either his fault or it's funny or it's both it's just it is it is what it is and dude i have gotten to this fucking level of peace with all of this shit and i just there's just certain shit that's just cigar talk yeah which is like you know i could cigar talk that's great i could force this issue and get into some big stupid argument it's not going to get me anywhere yeah i could tweet this i could do that it's just no this is cigar talk just sit down with the guys with the group of guys that you know that can keep their mouth shut

and then there was there was a last week when there was a this the the insurrection or i don't even know what it's called but the thing that happened in the capital the siege or whatever the where everyone stormed the capital you know can i say something real quick yeah i saw on the news where they they had a graphic for that and they had the actual picture of the people in front of the capital and then they added this color to it that sort of looked like something was set on fire and it's just like how did they get away with that yeah that's crazy like that sort of license because and i'm watching it going like for half a second i was thinking they lit the capital on fire i'm like no wait they didn't they didn't they broke windows they went in they beat a cop to death and a woman got shot and now there's all these people saying well that wasn't them it was antifa antifa dude

antifa's this the new fucking stand-up comedian those motherfuckers get blamed for everything i'm gonna start using i was joking i'm gonna start using that my relationship my wife gives me shit on that wouldn't mean i was in tifa if it's something bad it's them if it's something good it's me oh i don't even know what antifa is antifa is the anti-fascist they're basically i think just portland people who work at coffee shops, I think. Oh, bored white people who want to break things. Yeah. Not the best punch throwers based on what I've seen on the internet.

Not the best throwers of punches. I rode bikes with a bunch of Antifa members. I'm certain they're Antifa members now. Actually, I know they're Antifa members i'm certain they're antifa members now actually i know they're antifa members i know they're antifa members we did an episode of trip flip and we did this uh we bombed this hill on like little bikes with a bunch of by the way really cool fucking people like i i hung out with all of them uh everyone was cool they were the kind of people that are like uh you know, fuck your TV show, man. Like, that's the way they were, you know? Like, fuck, fucking, who you making this for, corporations?

Fuck you. Fuck TV. But the second you put the camera on them, they're like, yo, what's up? I cut my hair crazy like this for a reason. I want people to look at me, right? But they were cool. I don't give a fuck. They were cool. They were beer drinkers.

They knew their shit about beer. They all went to Burning Man. Like, we had a lot more in common than I think any of them would say that we had in common but then one of them one of them i'd given him my number and he texted me when like and he was like they weren't he was he was he was planning a riot and they were playing antipa was planning a riot in portland and he texted me he's like bring weapons bring this tell us what you have and then i was like oh man wrong guy this is bert and he was like oh fuck my bad please don't tell anyone i sent this to you and i was like i already talked hey fuckhead if you're gonna plan a riot i don't think i would text over a smartphone

oh i'll read you the text hey Hey, make sure you delete this. But then I'm going to go get it. He wasn't even speaking in code. Like, hey, make sure you bring that bag of groceries. I'm going to see if I can find it. All right, everybody. Oh, Jesus. It's Thompson Cigars.

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Watch you get lost in your phone with your glasses and you're just like. All right, I'm going to find. I go on Twitter. I go on Twitter and you tweeted, hey, the Heat and the Celtics are playing tonight. Do you remember this tweet? Yeah, that was when the riots were happening. And did you see the people attacking you for not tweeting about the riots? For not...

How dare you, Bill? How dare you? Exactly why... Your silence is deafening. you exactly why your silence is deafening i did that deliberately what i did it deliberately for the people that would get it and then for this all those idiots out there it's like dude if i was running for president they would be like why is this fucking shit joke telling clown they would remember that i was a comedian then but then for some fucking i don't know what the reason it's not for some stupid reason it's because of all these other

people in the public eye who are who just are talking politics it's like that thing is on every channel on every news feed everywhere yeah that was just it was like their response to it was was the joke the joke was yeah that you could be that glib like you wouldn't know what was going on and you were that buried in like sports channels that you had no idea what was going on. But then there's also that thing where I was like, I wasn't going to let that thing make me feel like those people and what they did. Like, yeah, that's what the average person walking down the street is like, or that's only people who wear red ties and blah, blah, blah. Look look we've both done the road for a long time um i can't even begin to tell you how many times like when i was drinking that late night

somebody dropped the n-word just the that came out of people's fucking mouths like that like that level of ignorance is not um shocking yeah when you do the road and that whole that whole bullshit of that you know that's only on the right or that's only in the south and in boston is that you once you travel, you see that, oh, that element exists. That element is here in L.A., that level element. But it's not everybody who voted this way is like that. Everybody voted that way is like that. That is the disease of Fox News and CNN. That's what they created.

And I was saying on my podcast that I felt like they should have taken a piece of that responsibility, considering what they do inherently to make money is to divide this country. Just every single day, it's just like, that's all they're doing is just saying that we are right, we are smart. And these other people are idiots. And they're trying to take it away from you and they're going to do this and oogly boogly. That's all they do. It's fucking annoying.

Oh, I agree. Dude, I listen to- I fucking hate CNN and Fox News. I hate them. I think they should all be tried for treason and getting the fuck out of here, right along with those fucking idiots who did whatever they did down there because I didn't watch it

because I don't want to sit there and watch some cop get beat to death. I don't see some fucking delusional woman get shot in the fucking head. You know? I just, you know, I don't want to see that. Why the fuck would I watch that?

No, I have no interest to that. Or if I saw some of it, why the fuck am I going to add to the misery of your day and you turn on my fucking podcast No, I have no interest. is. I don't know how the House of Representatives works. I don't know how any of that shit works. Okay. But I do know that I do serve a purpose in this country. And my job is to make you feel smarter than you are, or at least not as dumb as I am. That is my job. And you come down and I make you fucking laugh. And I am a dancing fucking clown. Okay. And what kind of a fucking moron is going to my twitter feed when the capital

is getting attacked to try to get some sort of clarity i can point it's like do you even know what you're yelling at or why you're yelling they're idiots and i can't like i got yelled at that i don't know how many times. I did Fallon. I was talking about how, you know what that looked like when they were at the Capitol? Remember when you do with like live, those live fucking radio, morning radio, when they would have a live event? You're like, dude, this is like 8 a.m. on a Monday.

Nobody's showing up to this. People have to be at work. And then you saw what wasn't at work at 8 a.m. on a Monday. Oh, shit. And there was always some guy in like a furry hat with horns and somebody with no shirt on and shit. There was just always that, just going, what in the fuck? There had to be a couple guys yelling, Baba Booey.

Yeah, those people in their 40s still living at home with their parents. It was like, it was all of a sudden, you just suctioned out all the functioning people, and this was all that was left. Those guys used to get drunk at Schaefer Stadium and fall off the back of it. They go to Monday Night Football and die. That's what the fuck shows up.

You've got to jerk off as a president who for six weeks before the election goes, and if I lose, they're making me stole it, which is the dumbest thing anybody could ever fucking say. Yeah. Okay, it doesn't come off as confident. It sounds like you think you're going to lose. The level of moron that you are stirring up i mean

that's what you're going to create and if you run a news fucking network 24 hours and you never fucking take responsibility for anything that anybody on your side fucking did that's what you're going to create all you've created with life and death shit is Red Sox Yankees. Yeah. Which is funny to listen to a Red Sox or a Yankee fan never see any wrongdoing with their team, but only see – it's funny when it's at a sports level. It isn't funny when it's at that level.

So there you go. I listened to the representatives today on NPR. They each get one minute to say why Trump should get impeached. It's like bad panel. Like, you know, when you do panel and they're like, so Bill, you got a story about your dad being a dentist and you guys growing up in Boston and your mom one time driving you. Can you include all that into the answer? He's going to say, what was it like growing up in Boston? And you're like, and you try to cr in Boston and your mom one time driving you, can you include all that into the answer?

He's going to say, what was it like growing up in Boston? And you're like, and you try to cram in your answer. Man, they gave these motherfuckers 30 seconds to say why Donald Trump should be impeached. And every single one of them ran the light. Like they were just like, there's butt on his hands. There's butt on the Capitol. And I was listening to all these people.

Why is something that important? you only get 30 seconds like it's all of a sudden becomes billy in the street name a white woman name a white woman i was listening to him i was on the treadmill trying to write a joke about it last night watching some representative sobbing crying or not not, crying, but very emotional about the siege on the Capitol. And all I was thinking about was my grandfather. I remember asking my dad, my grandfather, cause I'm so into history right now. My grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy. And I asked my dad what he said it was like. He said, he never spoke about it. And I was like, my grandfather never talked once about storming the beaches of Normandy. Probably one of the bloodiest events in our history.

And this woman was, I mean, I don't think, from what it sounds like, I don't think her life was in danger, I guess, from what her story was. And I just sat listening and was like my grandfather never like man we have gotten soft like my grandfather never and died of a stroke obviously at 42 because he never spoke i don't think we got soft i just think we got really uh self-involved like i think social media and and and like dude like you know i forgot this story this fucking guy um was whenever the only time i ever read my tweets responses is when i type sports stuff because i really like going back and forth about that stuff because you can get all worked up and

in the end of the day it's just sports so it's nothing it's not heavy. Yeah. So, what the – I don't know what it was. I was tweeting something about some sports shit. I don't know what it was. Maybe the Clemson game or something like that with those targeting calls, which I – I mean, the guy hit him in the fucking ribs. Give him a 15-yard penalty. You're going to take one of the best guys on defense out of the fucking game. It's like, I don't have a dog in this fight. I just want to watch a good game. All the good players are getting pulled out, right? So I was just talking about that shit. And I guess somewhere along the line,

well, it couldn't have been that. It was after that. It was something along the lines of that and this guy he he wasn't going to listen to my podcast anymore because of that the way I equated the what the Miami Heat wore as uniforms to what happened at the Capitol um no I just started I started off the podcast and I said like you know it takes a lot to shock me you You know, I've seen a lot of things. But what happened yesterday absolutely was disgusting. It was, you know, it's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Those uniforms that the Miami Heat were wearing against the Boston Celtics, I totally set it up like I was going to say something.

It's a fucking joke, right? Yeah. So this guy, this is how self-involved people are this fucking guy decided because of that he wasn't going to listen to my podcast anymore but felt like he needed to issue like his own twitter press release to me explaining to me why he wasn't going to be listening interesting interesting it's fascinating that's really how much are you up your own ass that you think i didn't even know you were listening i dude i don't even know how many listeners i have okay yeah and if you don't want to listen i totally get it i get it but you don't even

take time out of your fucking day like what like he thought that like I was going to be like, oh, no. Fuck. Not at who gives a fuck. What am I going to do now? But like that's what I think is. Yeah. Social media, you have your own YouTube page, your own Instagram page. And then all of a sudden, you know know you start holding the camera up because you want to look better like for what what is it going to cost you a magazine cover if you have it down here all of that shit then you gotta everybody's gotta be looking like you know they're balling with flat screen tvs and fucking whatever the fuck you know i'm old i don't know whatever the hell these kids are into like i just i see what you're saying it's like that representative that that congresswoman or whatever who is telling her story maybe it wasn't as intense as she was but if she doesn't do that then she runs the risk of missing a great branding opportunity to get her re-elected that's interesting so i i so I think that there's a lot of people on social media who are not in show business and they are acting like somebody who got a show and it went to their head.

Wow. Like someone like the... I just think that guy's tweaked. I was like, wow, how fucking self-involved is this guy that like this is this is so monumental that he needs to make this statement or maybe he was saying that hoping other people would fucking you know that that maybe he would start trending yeah i i i'm always shocked at someone who records a fight or something and thinks that that's their lottery ticket. Like, I've got to get this for my page.

And you're like, well, you've also got to create content. You being there once. No, but I follow guys like that. And if I was in their shoes, I would be doing the same thing. If I was the only person, I would be doing that. My thing is just like when people just like they're so up their own ass that they think it's fucking unbelievable that they've decided to stop listening to one podcast and will now listen to another. listen to another, like that's at the same level as like an airline buying out another airline. I don't know. I hope, I don't know. I probably didn't make the point the way I wanted to say it. I see like there's a, like the disease that is in our business, I have now seen with people sort of semi-in-show business, but by having a profile page, you see it happening to someone who's like a fucking hygienist.

It's like, oh, wow, she used to be fucking cool. Then she got a TV show, and now all of a sudden she's got a new number. She doesn't take anybody's calls it's funny my daughter tweeted something the day that the thing capital came out she put something on tick tock or something i don't know where it was but she was reading it to my other daughter whatever she was saying and it was very political and i stopped her i go hey don't put your politics out there and then i was like wait this is your own journey like you do whatever the fuck you want i got your back whatever you say i'll stand behind you and i was like i just don't put my shit out there because i don't

want to deal with it you're fucked go ahead this is how you learn say whatever you want to say do whatever you want to do this is and then i was like oh fuck that's everyone like that's everyone everyone that's interesting to me because i would almost warn i think i would warn my kids just say listen um i hate to tell you this but in life when you get something um most people not most people but there's going to be enough people that aren't going to be happy that you got something and uh evidently it's fair game to go back you know these kids now if their first tweet when you were eight years old you said this you know when they're like 40 running for president i i would maybe try not to leave a uh paper trail yeah dude i'll tell you the most brilliant thing i saw then we got to wrap this up one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy just as far as like my two favorite things comedy and

music right how this person heard this did you see the animaniacs clip from the the trump thing oh my god do you remember you remember the song for animaniacs yeah remember that they'd go when i'm aini totally zany, Shirley MacLaney. They would do something new each time. Yeah. Dude, this fucking person took a clip from somebody getting interviewed. And went, Animani, totally zany. And then this chick goes,

They push me down and tase me. Animaniacs. And it goes, Let's start this show. And you know that little drummer they go she they have her laugh go i watched it like 30 times that somebody saw this woman go they pushed me down and tased me and heard that melody in there and then dropped it I thought it was brilliant. Okay, here we go. They pushed her down and maced me.

That's fucking gross. And then the laugh in the end, like... They pushed her down and maced me. They pushed her down and maced me. Dude, like that, like... Did you hear her say that? That was a genius mind. Yeah. The man or woman who put that together, kid, whoever the hell it was,

I was just like, what the fuck? They put me down in Mace Me and I'm baby yaks. Yeah. Like, I don't know. We've got to talk. We should wrap this up. I definitely want to spend, beforeuary 24th i want to talk to you about what exact cigar i should smoke we should set it up with thompson cigars but what

exact cigar i should smoke for winston churchill day where i'm having drinks and breakfast and a cigar in my bedroom at 8 a.m we should talk about what day is that again january 24th january put that in my phone. 8 a.m. My wife and my kids are making me breakfast. They're bringing in juice and some water, some toast, some jam, some butter, some eggs, over easy, maybe sunny side up. The London Times.

Yeah, the London Times. Oh, the London Times. All the stuff. And I need the London Times. Oh, the London Times? All the stuff. And I need the exact cigar. I'm looking for the exact cigar Winston Churchill smoked because I want to have his cigar. So we should set up something. I would think that he probably had a Cuban.

He must have had a real one. He was definitely smoking Cubans back then, I think. But we should talk about that. Let's set up something with Thompson cigars where people can get like a Winston Churchill pack. Isn't it crazy that they named Churchill cigars

Churchill cigars. Like that's fucking next level. Wait is that why they call him that? Yeah it's his length of cigar that he liked. Isn't it also gauge too or is it just length? It's a gauge in everything. I would love if they could do a burt gauge because i'm a size queen i love a big fat one in my mouth is someone isolate that audio

um i think uh jordan smokes churchills really i think that's what he had in his uh you know what i can actually look that up jordan's favorite cigar i haven't had cigar i had a cigar january 1st that's the only cigar i've had this year i've been smoking like a lunatic uh all right he's partagas Lustania cigars. Michael Jordan's favorite. Oh my god. Yeah, there's a video where you can see it. Winston Churchill, it was

normally Cubans. Romeo y Juliet and La Aroma de Cuba were his preferred cigars. There you go. All right, that's what I'm smoking. I'm going to get them off Thompson Cigar now

and order a box. That's such an amazing... God, I just wish I could come up with something as good as that for my birthday. I don't know how you beat that. I can't wait. I really can't wait. And for my birthday. I don't know how you beat that. I can't wait. I really can't wait. And by the way, I haven't drank at all this year.

So I'm kind of, that'll be my first time drinking and it'll be a scotch in the morning. Shut the fuck up. 8 a.m.? You might die. I may have to drink the night before so I can appreciate the morning cocktail. Oh my God. All right. We got to wrap this up.

We got to wrap this up. All right. Okay. Good episode. Yeah. Fun talking to you as always. I don't know if we solved anything, but that's what this is about. All right.

This has been another wonderful episode of The Bill. Bert. Pod. Cast.