The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 46

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle about winners, violent teachers, and Bert's Winston Churchill Day.

all right hey what's going on everybody it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill bert pod cast yo what's going on man good to see you as always man of many hats i i really respect your hat game i have so many hats that i gotta get rid of some but here's the thing i'm a size eight head so i have like i have a very unique size head. It's the biggest head you can get. So I have a hard time getting fitted hats. So a lot of minor league teams send them to me. And then, and then I, and then I get them sent.

I get sent so many fucking hats. I have the greatest goddamn hats. With a big head though, you, you're able to pull off the straight across. Sometimes it doesn't work. With the big head, though, you're able to pull off the straight across. Sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah. With the big head, you've got to kind of round it. Size 8. You know what's so funny? I go into a hat store...

It's a subtle, huge head. Oh, yeah. Every time I go into a hat store, I go, hey, it's the same every time. It's so frustrating to me. I go, what hats do you have in a size 8? And they go, everything. And I go, everything? And they go, yeah, name it. And I know they don't. I already know they don't. And I go, cool, I'll take that one. And then they go, and they go, okay, we don't have that in size eight. I go, how about that one? And they go, yeah, we don't got that either. And then I go, how about this? Can we start all over? Do me a favor, check to see what you have in a size eight in the computer and then they go yeah yeah yeah yeah and then whatever city i'm in it's their team's hat that's all they have that's all they ever have so so what would happen this is by the way i have a i have a a lot to unpack here bill what would happen is you could always get a boston red socks size eight

a new york yankees size 8, a Dodgers size 8. Top sellers. The top sellers. Top sellers were always a size 8. The problem is, for the longest time, I had Red Sox Yankees hats. And in L.A., and you know this, if you're walking around with a Red Sox hat and someone grew up in Boston and they see you, first thing they say, hey, man, you see the game last night?

Yeah. And I'm always like, I'm not from Boston not from Boston they're like you got the hat on I was like yeah I don't I have a big head and they're like what huh and I was like I never mind so I had to stop wearing information too much information it was it was a conversation starter so then I started getting when I go to these towns I'd find a like a minor league team and then you know the you you were saying the earlier the more the more you start working the more people give you free shit and i'd go to cities and there would be a hat in the green room size eight happy to have you in our city this is i think this is the river dogs right here

that's a really cool hat it's a great hat hat. I love the colors. It's like the San Diego Chargers. It's got a ball for a mouth there. I didn't notice that. A little halo. Is that maybe the Angels minor league team with the halo? I think this is the Charlotte Riverdogs. I'm almost

certain. Minor league teams have great names. Riverdogs. What the hell is a River Dog? I don't know. I'm almost – I got to look that up. River Dog.

Is that like some crazy otter that can eat a bear or something? River Dog. I think it's the minor league team. What is a river dog? A river dog is a canine command. It's just a dog of adventure for the... Carlston. Or fame.

It's like a duck hunting dog. I was hoping it was one of those fucking otters, man. I've been watching all this stuff on otters lately. And the stuff that they lately and the stuff that they fight and the things that people are afraid of like alligators don't fuck with otters for real i think that's what they were so this is a charleston river dogs hat this is the dia de muerta hat and so these minor league teams do these great light blue Peros Santos, the Peros Santos hat. Okay.

So these minor league teams do these great hats where like there's a great team in San Antonio, and they had the Choclas hat. And the whole theory was, and by the way, I apologize if I'm ruining this and it's sounding racist, but Mexican moms used to beat their kid with flip-flops, right? So if you ever had a flip, like if your mom ever took her flip-flop, and by the way, I really apologize if I'm getting this wrong. They'd beat you with a flip-flop.

So they had a celebration for Mexican moms. So they had a flip-flop so they had a celebration for Mexican moms so they had a flip-flop on the hat and it was the chaklas and it was like it was like just a cool way to like and I'm certain I ruined that story but dude if that's a true story if that's done the right way it's funny but you know nowadays you couldn't do that because someone would be offended i'm actually jealous that that's all you got hit with that seems like you know this got a little cushion on it i'm sure it would sting but it's not like uh not like a paddle or a wooden spoon or a brush uh otters can uh this national geographic, how a river otter can bag an alligator for lunch. And it says that what other big animals do they eat? They're smart, agile, and strong predators.

They do eat a lot of amphibians and fish, but they'll also take out sizable beavers, raccoons, plus snapping turtles, snakes, and small gators. Of course, gators can also eat otters, so it goes both ways. Yeah, but when the otters are all together, they got their crew like the alligator swims away. He doesn't want to deal with it. They're like piranhas. They're like cute piranhas.

They just start eating. Their mouth isn't big enough to choke you out. Oh, man, one of the worst things I ever saw because i love turtles okay here you go guys right now do not watch on an otter killing a turtle it's one of the saddest things i've ever seen question once again a higher power that what in the maybe you should have spent two weeks creating the universe instead of making us all in our fucking throats okay you ready bill serial killers to fucking otters that are eating turtles alive they flip it over i'll just tell you they flip it over on its back and just start eating one of its legs and the thing sitting there can't do anything oh that would have fucking

i was just like can you just bite it in the brain that's why i don't fucking eat lobster dude i don't fuck with lobster there's no fucking reason in 2021 that the only way to prepare those things is to boil them alive yeah they don't feel it they don't speak english bert what are you what are they measuring and how many times do they say something then they go oh new evidence shows that christopher columbus actually landed in cuba and he was fucking chopping people's arms off because they weren't fighting gold molars in the fucking river right they discovered that somehow in 85 90 or some shit it's just like where would you find that on a fucking napkin scribbled somewhere so they're gonna do the same

thing with these fucking lobsters they're gonna figure out the whole time they were screaming at a frequency that only your fucking rescue dog could hear so i don't understand you know you have those little things to break open their shell they should put one of the extensions like a swiss army knight just have it be like a little mallet and right before you put it in the water you just knock the thing out yeah how fresh does it have to be it just died, in the water. Although those hunters, they always say, like, you know, if the animal experiences trauma, it affects the way the meat tastes, right?

Yep. They release some sort of thing throughout the meat. Stress juices. All right, you ready? The San Antonio missions changed their names to the Flying Chanclas. that is a flying sandal for those who don't speak spanish and it's a marvelous name it says here a chancla is a sandal but in the hands of your mother or your abuela it became a heat-seeking missile that would was the bane of your existence as a child if you did something bad as a kid, their instinctive reaction would be to warn you that a chancla

that they were wearing was going to be taken off and flicked at you from across the room. It was a great hat. But then when I explained it, everyone's like, wait, Mexicans beat their children on flip-flops? And you're like, ah, it's more than that. Never mind. Yeah, Eddie Murphy used to do a bit about that.

About his mother taking off a shoe like a boomerang yeah yeah mothers used to beat their fucking when i was a kid yeah mothers beat their kids my mother used to just line us all up and you'd just be standing there waiting my dad saved the paddle from his fraternity i used to hide that fucking thing move and she'd miss and hit your lower back back of your legs, and you'd reach back and get hit in the knuckles. It was the fucking worst. It was the fucking worst.

Do your parents, have you ever talked to them about being spanked? No, because I deserved like 99% of them. There was only one time my brother said that I kicked my other brother in the face, which was against the rules. If you hit from here down, it was considered working it out amongst yourselves. I used to do a bit about this. I kicked him in the chest. My brother said I kicked him in the face.

My mother was getting ready for work, and she had one of those big 70s brushes like the mirror mirror on the wall ones yeah and she won and i ducked and she caught me right in the middle of my shoulder blades and it was plastic so the thing burst i went down and then like this is how frugal people were back. I mean, we were living in a fucking duplex. So she just kept the brush part. You know, like a black guys try to get waves. You know, that little thing that they were. That's what she just brushing her hair like that. I mean, I'm doing what I'm telling you, like eight years.

And for eight years, we got to laugh at that. Anytime I'd come in. You know, she was brushing her hair. Be like, hey, that's a nice brush you got there. And she was just laughing. And it was the way it was's a nice brush you got there. And she would just laugh. And it was the way it was because she smashed, tried to hit me over the head with it. So I don't know. We've never hit our kids.

I take that back. I take that back. Leanne spanked Isla one time. One time. She was jumping on the, I mean, this is like, this kid deserved it. I wasn't there but i had a theory and my theory was that leanne did it because her family was around and her family was a bunch of you know her families was was the hitting type they still spank they still spank where they

live yes so my wife's family is the hitting type. I like that. Yeah. So Isla was jumping on the couch at the lake house in her bathing suit, and one of Leanne's aunts was like, you need to get that kid to stop. There ain't no jumping in no wet bathing suit on that couch. Leanne's like, Isla, Isla, Isla, don't you disrespect that furniture like that? And Isla looked at her and goes, get off that couch. And then they grabbed Isla Isla don't you disrespect that furniture like that and Isla looked at her she goes get off that couch

and then they grabbed Isla they took her down and they said look at that couch you don't disrespect that couch while I was jumping

in a wet bathing suit and Isla looked at all the ants and Leanne turned around and spit on it oh my god they fucking spanked her Leanne turned around and spit on it. Oh, my God. They fucking spanked her.

Yeah. I was on the road, and Isla called. We got on the phone, and Isla whispers, I got spanked. And I went, what? And I lost my shit. Because I've never hit our kids. Right. Leanne's like, dude, there there you go there's one for hitting

your kids you don't hit your kids they end up spitting on the couch in front of company spit my one of my favorite one of my favorites that sounded like like wwe like the beginning of some bit to set up a championship fight let me tell you something brother would brother, would you spin on my couch come this Friday? We were kids, there was this kid, Louis Fagan. So I grew up with the Fagans, right? Patrick and Louis Fagan, Patrick and Louis Fagan. F-E-A-G-A-N. Okay.

Irish, hardcore Irish. Slur into a verb. No, okay. Irish. Hardcore Irish. You're trying to slur into a verb. No, Fagan. They were Fagan. What are you doing tonight? I'm Fagan. Oh, Bill. If you had grown up with us, we would have used that immediately.

I didn't even think of that. I already immediately felt bad for him. I go, well, that went his childhood. They're like literally how far he dropped down in the draft of when he picked for a prom date. With that last name. Poor bastard. It's just not fair.

Patrick's at school. Louie's younger. And they have a microphone on the stage. And Patrick's mom's helping out at school. And so Louie, younger, not in school yet, grabs the microphone and starts singing in the microphone. And one of the nuns comes up and grabs the microphone, puts it in the thing, smacks him on the hand,

says, don't you touch that microphone. So Louie goes up, grabs the microphone again. The nun goes away, grabs the microphone again, starts singing. Now the whole school's watching, right? Whole cafeteria kids are watching. Nun grabs the microphone again. The nun goes away, grabs the microphone again, starts singing. Now the whole school's watching, right? Whole cafeteria kids are watching. Nun grabs the microphone, puts it on the floor, doesn't put it back in the thing, lays it on the floor,

and says, there will be hell to pay, Mr. Fagan, if I come back and you touch this microphone one more time. He's setting him up for a kick to the chops. Nun walks away louis fagan waits gets on the stage marine crawls over the microphone lays his head next to it goes sister what did she do oh lost her lost her fucking shit. I laughed. Bill, that story happened 40 years ago, and I still remember it.

I guarantee if his last name was Johnson, he wouldn't feel the need. He had to do that. He needed a rep. He had to be the crazy guy. Oh, Marine crawls over. The kid was probably six years old. Lays his head next to the microphone and goes, sister. He was only six?

He was fucking six. Wow, that's like a genius comic mind to do. Because then he was also like, well, I didn't touch it. He had an alibi. He had a loophole. A loophole, yeah. Dude, I remember one time. I'm not going to say the names. I'm not going to say what grade or what school.

But this teacher asked me to go down the hall. She may or may not have had a drinking problem. She you know, go down the hall, right? So me and this other kid get up. And then one of my best friends goes, me too. And I was like, I don't know. Come on with me. And she didn't say him. And she came storming out. She goes, I didn't say you. And she grabbed him by the back of his neck, dug her nails in, and threw him.

Well, he did one of these where he almost fell down. and threw him where he did one of these where he almost fell down and then i was sitting next to him in class and he had blood coming down his neck like like they took the bolts out of frankenstein and uh i don't know you could do like that the kid could like leave home with a perfectly good neck and then come home what happened to your neck i thought the teacher said me it wasn't me so she grabbed me by my little neck and threw me down the hall i remember him crying at his desk oh man yeah and i fucking hated my teacher because that was like my best friend i fucking hated her and i was just like i don't know kind of solidified was getting to like the whole like well you're really realizing that uh

adults did not have their shit together oh just because they had a car and they they could fucking you know stay up as late as they want eat eat whatever they want. You think they have all this freedom that they're these fully developed people. There's another part of that story that I told them I would never tell. I can't. I remember the first time seeing that with a cop. The first time I saw it, I grew

up thinking cops were always right. I was always wrong. I never saw it filter and then one time we got pulled over in uh in georgia and man i remember he took my license and cut it in half with a knife and i went hang on i don't have a license anymore he was like you like he literally was looking for me to start a fight so he could beat the fuck out of me.

What did you do? I was speeding. I was just speeding. We were making moves. Well, how fast? Maybe 50 in a 35, going over a bridge. And not, I mean, not really bad. Small town?

Small town. His town. Okay. You didn't say anything smart to him? No, not at all. I had long hair. I was listening to the great- Like two!

Yep. In a Jetta with Grateful Dead stickers all over it. And ring him up! I remember being- You're lucky he didn't throw you in that crick. I remember being so confused. I was like, wait wait what are you doing like the fact that he

wasn't following the law blew me away I can't tell how many times I got pulled over when I was on the fucking road I used to always do the same thing I would immediately pull over and I'd sit like this waiting for the guy and then he would show up I'd be like how you doing I'd go it's okay

I got my license I did all of that shit because i remember one time i got pulled over i had some gig in colorado and i was driving like 90 miles an hour for like an hour in the wrong direction before i realized it not 90 like 65 70 and then i realized it's gonna take me like an hour and a half just to get back to where I started and I went from having enough time to go to subway check into the motel 6 make a set list to having to go straight from my car on the stage so I'm driving like fucking 90 now and I'm on some back roads in colorado i swear that this guy in a ford fucking bronco that had like radio shack like cop lights on his dashboard was coming the other way and he like swerved at me and i was like what the fuck so i pull over and he comes walking up, dude. All he had on was the cop shirt.

He had like blue jeans with the, he looked like a scout master. Like he was late to a Cub Scout meeting. He had just the cop shirt tucked in to his pants. I'm like, what the fuck? And he comes up and he just fucking, bam, slammed the window. He goes, get it out. Talking about that. And he was a little fucking punk-ass fucking kid.

Little fucking, I still remember his fucking little face. I could have put him between my fingers and snapped him on my fucking neck. Little fucking douche in a big truck who got the cop shirt. And I'm going to be like, you know, hey, buddy, when you get your first couple whiskers do they

give you the rest of the uniform i mean i had a million for this guy and i can't say because i am so in the middle of nowhere this guy could blow my brains out and he seems unstable enough like the level mad that he was i was doing 90. like the worst thing was going to happen i was going to hit somebody's cow he's in the middle of nowhere he's acting like i was going through some fucking playground with kids running across the street oh what a cunt i can never tell that story without getting fucking pissed late 90s i'll tell you the best part of that trip was i made the gig and then um this was 99. The Giants, not the Giants, the Jets were in town playing the Broncos at the old Horseshoe Mile High Stadium. Yeah.

The Broncos had just gone back-to-back and had Terrell Davis. And everybody thought Elway was going to come back. He retired. Everybody thought the Jets with Bill Parcells and Keyshawn Johnson and Vinny Testaverde were going to go undefeated or whatever Vinny blew out his Achilles in the first game so they were both oh and four and scalpers had a stack of tickets like this giving them away I paid face value I probably could have got in for less but whatever so I fucking go in there and uh Terrell Davis blew blew out his fucking acl i guess that isn't a

good story i was just psyched that i went to the i went to the uh i've got to go to mile high stadium a house of horrors for a patriots fan oh wow dude i swear to god we played them like every other year it seemed when i was growing up and it was always in Denver, and it was always snowing. Craig Morton kicked our ass. John Elway kicked our ass. Just right on fucking through. God. How about Brady, huh?

How about Tom Terrific? It's not the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It's Tom Brady Buccaneers, buddy. Tom Brady. I call the victory formation, that's Tom Brady Buccaneers, buddy. Tom Brady. I call the victory formation, that's Tom Brady formation. Well, his defense definitely stepped up when we'll say he had some miscommunications with his receivers. But I can't.

Dude, he beat Drew Brees. He beat Aaron Rodgers. Who did he beat the first week of the playoffs? I already forget. Andrew? Do you remember? No. But they're doing what the 2008 Giants did,

which I thought was one of the most undeniable championships ever. But the Patriots were undefeated with the fucking deflate gate. So it was all about, it was more about us losing rather than like, wait a minute, do you realize what the Gi just fucking did they beat dallas in dallas they played they had like three brutal fucking road games dallas was good back then um what do you got in uh washington it'd be washington oh sorry all right yeah. They're not all going to be world leaders. Who do you like? Who do you like in the Super Bowl?

Tampa. I think it's going to be great. Yeah. I mean, I just think there's something that Tom Brady goes in. Man, Patrick fucking Mahomes. That guy is – I didn't what he he's done the last three years like that guy he has the same thing brady has it goes beyond being great it's you you have the fucking you got the fairy dust sprinkled on your fucking career like just it

just like i was looking at derrick cheater derrick jeter's whole career was like that scene in the natural when he hits the the the lights and all the uh um fireworks and shit well it wasn't fireworks it was the uh the lights going you know coming down to the field it was every fucking big moment he always got a hit he never choked even when like guys fucked up and missed the cutoff man he's over by the dugout somehow and flips it sideways to get jambi out who doesn't slide right yeah his 3 000 hit he can't just get a fucking hit and just get that unbelievable milestone it's a walk-off home run i mean the guy is just like he wanted to end in Yankee Stadium, and Red Sox really wanted him to play another game so he could show our respect.

So he does one at bat. What does he do? Gets a fucking hit, of course. Gets a hit. We're all saying thank you for just watching your greatness. And then he goes, take me out. It was fucking perfect. And I feel like certain people just had, like,

the odds that he would be drafted by the Yankees get to play shortstop never get caught in some stupid fucking trade that's oh I thought you're gonna say right there is hope it was like a he had a perfect career right yeah then I look at a guy like you know like I don't know just like guys like Tom Brady like the balls just bounce their way he just Mahomes has that fucking thing and there's a way to beat those guys but you have to have a running game I feel to do it you want Mahomes sitting on the sideline like Bernie Sanders that's what you want to slow the fucking game down what happens is everybody sees KC come out and that freight train offense goes down the field on like four or five fucking plays. And then everybody starts, oh, fuck, I got to do that. It's like when a boxer fights a brawler. Don't stand in the center of

the ring with them. And that's what they all fucking do. And it's just like, they're going to score 38. We're going to try to score 40. And I can tell you, having not played organized football since third grade, the way to beat this team, you want like a 23-17. Patriots beat the greatest show on turf. You want a low scoring fucking game. Yeah. You don't get involved in a shootout. That's my piece. That's my two cents. Yeah. It was a beautiful day yesterday watching Brady play. I've never been able to, I mean, this whole season's been fun rooting for him because I always wanted him to succeed. You know, like I always wanted him

to win, but I had no stake in the Patriots. So I'm always just kind of rooting for the guy to win. And so when he went on the box, it gave him like a, it made you feel like he had he had taken a hit backwards everyone said he couldn't do it parcells said i'm the genius you'll see and then it's i don't know man it was belichick never said that that was all

you have to understand a little something about sports there's like nine 24-hour sports news networks, and they have to fill time. Oh, yeah. So because of that, things like Deflategate, which was laughed out of court, and the judge yelled at the NFL for wasting his fucking time. They actually acted like something still happened because they had to fill up the fucking time. Because they had to fill up the fucking time. So that bullshit with friction between Belichick and Brady, it's just a bunch of bullshit. It's all bullshit.

All right? They both respect each other. I bet he texted him and said congratulations. This podcast is brought to you by Romans. How often do you use... Okay, let's do it. Start it over. This podcast is brought to you by Romans. How often do you use excuses like,

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GetRoman.com slash BillBert. How many minutes can he eat up with that on ESPN? Have you watched the Tiger Woods documentary? No, I haven't. You guys talked about that last week with Dean.

That's right. One of the things that I can't get over, I cannot get over over and they maybe should have never told us was the first time tiger woods got in trouble fucking that perkins waitress the the national inquirer had the scoop and they went to his team and said hey we know you've been fucking this Perkins waitress. You got to play ball. And Tiger's like, tell us what to do.

And they're like, we want you on the cover of Men's Health. And he's like, fine. So they got him on the cover of Men's Health. That's so gross. It's so gross because now all I can think is everyone that's ever been on the cover of men's health must have a perkins waitress to get like why the else would they how about that's extortion that is extortion it's completely this this is my deal okay all all he has to do is play golf and entertain me all of that other is none of my fucking business.

That's between him and his wife and his immediate family and his in-laws. And if they want to drag him around and fucking scream and yell at him, they got every right to do it. But the amount of fucking people that were just like, he let me down. It's just like, what is missing in your life

that you're looking into the fucking TV and, like, you put, like, that much stuff on it? I mean, I just, I don't understand, like, listen, if that documentary was going to be about him, the golfer, I would watch that. But I do not give a fuck about somebody's personal life. Somebody's personal life is their personal life. This fucking bullshit where exes leak videos of former boyfriends and girlfriends. And then they go after the person who was violated. And nobody says, hey, what a piece of shit moved by this other person to do that like that happened recently to the lone ranger guy somebody fucking put out a bunch of shit about uh

whatever the fuck he's into sexually and everybody was coming at him and it was just like what well what about that fucking woman that he thought he could trust? Isn't the story about the broken trust there? Yeah. And then what kind of person am I if I sit down and read all of that shit? I'm fucking as bad as she is. I'm worse. I read all of it, and then I Googled his family history. Did you know that Armand Hammer?

Can I ask you a question? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Did he do that to you? I'll tell you why. Can I ask you a question? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Can I do that to you?

I'll tell you why. Because I always thought that his grandfather, Armand Hammer, was the person behind Armand Hammer Baking Soda. And he's not. Two totally different companies. And I was like. What is he behind? Fucking petroleum.

And then he ended up. He was so rich. He bought Armand Hammer Baking baking soda so people would stop fucking asking him are you part of arm and hammer he bought the company so that no one had to ask him if he was if that was him that's one of those moments where you're kind of running out of problems yeah you're going to therapy what's getting you into today army you know that baking soda well that's you right see that's what the fuck I'm talking about. No, I, anytime like some like starlet,

all of a sudden there's like naked photos of her online and shit, and they're all devastated. Yeah, I'm not looking at them. There's plenty of fucking porn out there. I don't need to do that to somebody. If they're fucking sitting at home crying, why would you do that to somebody? I might be a dick, but I'm not an asshole. I'm not going to put that on a T-shirt.

I wish I was as good as you. No, that's a, I don't know. That's a, listen, I cross. That's a, this, listen. I cross lines all the fucking time, believe me. But for something about that, like, I don't, you know, I don't do that. I don't fucking publicly shit on other comics. Like some of these kids today going on Twitter and just piling on on some fucking, one of those twitter trials

twitter lawyers all sitting around just hang them hang them high and you see like other comedians jumping in on that and it's just like were you even there today twitter introduced something called bird watching in in which it's a program in which if you think something is misleading, misleading through a joke, you use this feature to tell on them. It's called birdwatching. Yeah, I don't. They're just what that's some horse shit their lawyers came up with I probably I'll tell you know

what would fix that if every comedian just left said alright we're going to another platform I don't want to go I don't want to be telling jokes where there's birdbush I gotta be honest with you though like I save my real jokes for when people come out to see me. Oh, I don't put them on Twitter.

Who the fuck puts a joke on Twitter? No, no, no, no. I just mean thoughts. Yeah. Because, dude, there's Twitter jokes that I won't fucking do. But I also wouldn't do it in my app because it's just a fucking Twitter joke. Yeah. So I just kind of keep it to sports and being glib.

I like putting out – I like going, hey, what's the most underrated Grateful Dead song? And then getting a bunch of people tweeting me great songs that I can listen to and then going, oh, cool. That's what I like for Twitter. I don't like – I try to keep all my – That was great my acting Bert. Yeah.

That was the exact energy. If you were sitting by yourself reading tweets. Oh, cool. Oh, cool. I said, I said,

uh, Twitter for me is a lot. I find myself some mornings going on Twitter doing, this is exactly it. Ready? Getting on Twitter and going, wait, I'm having a great day so far.

Why would I fucking ruin that and then put my phone down yeah i mean i wish i i i i watch i watch a lot of videos dude i just look at old trucks i got my phone right here i'm gonna go on instagram right now let's let's let's do this right now see See, when you click on the microphone. No, the spyglass. What a fucking magnifying glass. Whatever the hell you call it. Spyglass?

I don't know. Oh, for on Twitter? Okay. So, for some reason, I have a shirtless Jason Statham. I think that's who that is. Is Jason Statham. I think that's who that is. Is Jason Statham the most shredded actor? I don't know why I have that. I got a Stevie Ray Vaughan.

I got some chick on a hoverboard. An old Ford. Oh, this is for Instagram. Instagram, yeah. Oh. I got... I got somebody walking in the bottom of a pool with weights. Okay. A big Ford truck.

Yeah, a lot of musicians. Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, some chick playing bass. There's Slash, another old truck. Larry King, 1933 to 1933 2021 another person on one of these boards see the board thing see this thing she's riding yeah vince neal i have people running back oh oh oh please get up what's that oh my god holy what a hit it's a hockey game oh jesus oh my god yeah i have a lot lot of Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut. I'm obsessed with that.

I don't know what this is, but this is all that comes up. Any Puerto Rican getting a haircut is like number one. It always looks like they're going to fuck it up. And then all of a sudden it all comes together. I have watched so many of these fucking videos where you're like, oh, shut up. Is that a leaf that's my favorite old ford recently look at that you like that bird oh god yeah the silver i'm obsessed with those things yeah so that and i'll just sit there and go down each one of

those rabbit holes look at every ford truck everybody like right recently i started following you've seen these people they have like those skateboards and they're going down like pike's peak like the sickest uh bombing hills yeah i've watched a lot of this yeah and they do that thing where they kick it out to slow down as this car is coming the other way oh i love it yeah i love it i had a lot of action on my uh on my instagram uh yesterday morning so you did yeah i did i had a lot oh wait a minute do we haven't talked about we got to talk about your fucking your day dude yep it's a Churchill day sorry you were literally setting that up and I didn't know what it was I was like wait I know something else

by the way Bert facetimed me on his birthday and when I saw his spread I thought you were in London it was tell me there's photos please take me through. For people who haven't watched the podcast, just tell them what it is. Well, it started with me and you talking about Winston Churchill. And that's how this all started is we started talking about Winston Churchill and about what he did in the mornings. And his mornings, he did the same ritual every day. You started it by talking about you in Paris with your wife and about what your days look like. And it just was so romantic.

And then I watched The Darkest Hour and we started talking about it. And I said, you know what? I'm going to do a Winston Churchill day. I'm going to have a day where I get up at eight in the morning. My wife and daughters bring me in my breakfast on a tray, which was Winston Churchill's breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast, jam, a little bit of water, a coffee, a cigar, and a scotch. That's what he did every fucking morning. And now I prepare.

That is the breakfast of champions right there. No disrespect to Wheaties. That's it right there. Bill, let me tell you something. Now, it's important. It's important. Oh, let me tell you something. Now, it's important. It's important. Oh, here we go. Yep.

There's my daughters, my wife at the corner of the bed, and my bacon, my eggs, my coffee. That's what got me, dude. The thing that the toast is in. That's what Leanne got me for Christmas. She got me this toast holder, the thing that the butter's in, the thing that the jam's in on that table. She got me the ashtray.

She got me the tray for the fruit. She got me the scotch glass. She got all this fine china, like all this fine dining ware, so that I could really enjoy my moment and really take my time with it. Dude, your family loves you, man. look how proud they are that they did that for you you're a great dad and husband right there i actually asked the kids wouldn't be there she wouldn't show up she wouldn't even done it for you you did it man good for you it was so so i woke now here's what's interesting is i thought to myself i don't want to have a scotch in the

morning if i haven't been drinking at all. And I haven't been drinking much at all this month. So I said the night before, oh, look at this. Cigar in the mouth. Oh, I'm so fucking excited. Smoking a cigar. I'm one of the happiest. Yeah, excited.

I've ever seen you. You almost look like you don't know how to take this all in. It was a little much. By way crushed the bacon oh the bacon was flawless she baked it in the oven at 425 on parchment paper oh my god i like it a little crispy if not burnt up this was amazing so i hate rubbery bacon so the night before i uh i we some friends facetime us so we leanne made me uh an old-fashioned like we had this little machine that makes drinks for us she made me an old-fashioned the night before and i was like i'm not really drinking she said well you gotta have a drink so you so you want to do tomorrow and I was like yeah I'll have a drink so I had an old-fashioned then we opened a bottle of wine had a couple glasses of wine and uh and I had a great night the night before so I

had a I had a little bit of a buzz the night before I didn't smoke a cigar I wanted to save it for the morning so I woke up not hung over just a little like ah fuck man i was a i tied one on last night which was perfect okay food hair of the dog i just love how fun your life is dude you're such a fun guy that you have a machine that makes old fashions oh it's great bill i'm gonna have liane's oh you don't drink fuck it's so great man's been in she goes i want to make cocktails but i don't want to open a bunch of bottles. You put a pod in, and then it has all the liquors connected to it. You push it down, press a button, and it makes the drink for you out of this fucking world.

That's dangerous. She's been drinking every night. Wait, when did you get this thing? Christmas. She's had a drink every single night. She's like, I i want a margarita i hit a button margarita i'm gonna have an old-fashioned button mold fashion so i'm gonna see you on intervention what's it called uh i don't know i'll find out i'll tell you exactly well they should advertise on this podcast dude because you just sold 100 of them.

Dude, it is. I'll call Leanne right now. You know what's great, Bill? I said to her, I said, I'm having a great time. I'm smoking a cigar in bed. And I go, why did you do this? She goes, it's your idea. Hello?

Hey, what's the name of our drink machine we got? Bartesia. Bartesia? Uh-huh. A Bartesia. It's fucking. pull up a picture of it andrew you're gonna get half in the bag right now it's called fucking bartizia all right set it up set it up bye-bye so she said i said why did you do this and she goes it's a quarantine you came up with a fun game why wouldn't i play along and i went huh she goes let's there's nothing else we can do why not have fun like this and i was like

fuck yes what's interesting was really like the rock star man oh she do she's the best she woke the girls up they made breakfast all together isla did the fruit plate georgia made the eggs liam made the bacon they georgia sticks her eggs leanne made the bacon they they georgia sticks her head and she goes what's a good morning scotch and i went uh johnny walker blue george that's the barkesian it's fucking awesome so those are bottle of booze is on the side it's fucking so great i would be afraid to own one of those you get little pods you put a little pod in and then there's four you only see two here but there's two behind there's one behind it on each there's four places that you plug in there you go put it from the side view you see

all the bottles of booze so we put high-end booze in there and then you make great cocktails, whiskey sour. It's fucking awesome. High-end booze into that thing? I'd be nervous to do that. Oh, dude. I tell you what, I had that. What's your idea of high-end booze? I'm not trying to big league you here. Buffalo Trace for whiskey? Never heard of that.

Buffalo Trace. Oh, my God. Buffalo Trace is fucking awesome. If you've ever had whiskey with Joe, that's what you're drinking. Here's what's fascinating about this right bill so i'm i'm not a big one drink guy like i'm not a guy who like has a drink and then doesn't have another drink i'm like a two or three drink guy but i had a day i had shit i had to do tomorrow yesterday so i wake up and I'm thinking I'm gonna see how this scotch goes. I may chase it with another one to finish my cigar off in my bed

I eat my breakfast eggs and bacon first have my coffee a little bit of water toast and jam Right and then I go to the scotch. I like the cigar. I take a sip of the scotch and it it tastes perfect It tastes so perfect johnny walker blue did you have to like slow yourself down from wolfing down the breakfast just to experience smoking a cigar in your own fucking house i paced myself i paced myself i love you i never do. I never do. Bert recognizes a moment, and the man delivers. I love it. You paced yourself. Bill, I swear.

I'm just holding that fucking toast in half, jamming it down my throat. I've never done this in my life. I took almost three-quarters of a cigar down before I finished my scotch. I took my time with my scotch. I literally just took a sip, switched it around, little hit of cigar, Three quarters of a cigar down before I finished my scotch. I took my time with my scotch. I literally just took a sip, switched it around, little hit of cigar, and just slow rolled it. Leanne got in bed. She brought her computer.

We're working on a project. She's just taking notes, shows me edited things. I'm giving her notes. I'm in bed like Winston Churchill. She's got an edit for a thing we're trying to sell and so she's showing me the edit i'm giving notes cigar and scotch just like winston churchill i i do get done my scotch i get done my cigar i smoked the whole cigar in bed doors open we changed the sheets and i felt so good i felt so good that i go i'm gonna get on the treadmill and run six miles got on the treadmill ran oh with that

cigar all in you I felt I was on a high like I was sweating out I was on an emotional high sweated out got in the pool fucking 56 degrees ice cold I feel great I said to myself and then I said no more drinks today let's go to sleep get a good night's sleep start our week off not one more drink throughout the entire day drank water i felt fucking awesome and i thought to myself anytime i tie one on the night before and i got a sunday that i kind of need some shit to get done i'm gonna do scotch and cigar in bed room does not smell like a cigar it does not smell like a cigar aired it out leanne came in this morning's like it doesn't smell like a cigar. Aired it out. Leanne came in this morning and was like, this doesn't smell like a cigar at all. I was like, yeah, no shit.

Fucking greatest day. Because I fucking inhaled the whole thing. Wow, dude, you're an adult, man. I, you know, I've toyed with the idea of like, you know, I told my wife, you know, if we're in some really special place or something i would have a drink and then i'm like now i've done that too many fucking times and it's like it's not even just like you know after three weeks it's like the next day then i'm just drinking again yeah no i get a six or something and it's just like my big thing

is i can't have it home i don't know whatever i i got kids and when i drink i get hammered and i don't want to fucking do that so dude i'm so happy for you that that happened and i i think i speak for a lot of listeners that we lived vicariously through you or you maybe you gave them an idea maybe they're not a cigar and scotch person um i tell you that little barista thing or whatever the hell you just had there uh the way my mind works is i would have to try every drink oh we have what's what's this you know like i gotta go to all the stadiums i gotta drink all the drinks i gotta play all the clubs i gotta do a stand-up gig every fucking night i swear to god it's like i have to make sure whatever i'm applying that to is is gonna

be good for me dude i if i ever watch that fucking um big lebowski oh forget about it white russians out the ass just i mean I can't even make it through the movie anymore. Just slamming them. And they're fucking delicious. And then that sends me down a fucking road. Next day, I'm getting, why am I ordering a slice of cheesecake with a bagel? What the fuck am I doing here? It's because you got all that sugar in your gum.

We need more. We need more. So anyway, we got to wrap this up. Bert Kreischer, once again, people, want to know how to live. This is the man right here. God bless you, Bert. God bless you. Let me tell you something. God bless this podcast.

We came up with this on this podcast and it worked out. It was perfect and it was such a treat. You're right. If scotch and cigars aren't your thing, find your thing. Make a special day out of it because I had a blast yesterday. Okay. Well, I already know what I want for my birthday.

I already told my wife what it was going to be. It's going to be – I'll let you know when it happens. Okay. It's something really simple but something that I fucking love. But she would never let me smoke a cigar in the house, too. Oh, my dad texted me yesterday. He goes, I bought this for Bill. I said, what is it?

It's a cigar called the Jackass. Have you seen it? Oh, it's got to be the size of a fucking horse's dick. It's like this big. Yeah, that's what I figured. You got to light it with a Bunsen burner. fucking horse's dick. It's like this big. Yeah, that's what I figured. You got to light it with a Bunsen burner. All right.

We got to wrap this up here, dude. I love you, Bert, and I'm so happy for you. Happy birthday, and I love doing this podcast with you, especially during a pandemic. It's a way to connect with somebody here. All right. Once again, everybody, this has been another wonderful version of the bill. Bert.

Pod. Cast. Dude, I hung in there with you. You were frozen like this, like in the middle of a laugh. And I was just like, is that him or me? I got to close it out. All right. That's it, everybody.

I don't know. Write in. Tell us what your perfect birthday thing is. We got to do some of those. Give some people some ideas. I don't know how to say the names. Whatever. We'll come up with something.

That's it. We'll see you next time. you