The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 48 w. Joe DeRosa PART ONE

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle with Joe DeRosa about drinking, smoking, and game shows that would never make it to air. For listeners, we are giving you 50% off your first 6 bottle orders from Bright Cellars. Just go to bit.ly/BrightCellarsBillBert. You can take their 7 question quiz to get your wine matches and receive 50% off your first 6 bottle order. 

All right. Hey, what's going on, everybody? And it's time. I'm Bill Burr, and it's time for another wonderful episode of the Bill. Burt. Pod. Cast. Well, there's no reason when you, you know, sometimes, Burt, you know, if we have a guest who's, you know, at a certain level in this business, you got to do a big intro. But every once in a while when you get an A-lister, someone who makes all the teenage chicks go crazy

the second he gets on stage with them glitter pants, there's no reason to do an intro. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, straight from some bar somewhere, from the gutter. Please welcome the teen idol sensation from the opiate anthony program mr joe de rosa and anthony program what's going on joe nothing man just sitting here it's funny you say uh you said boo it's good to see you guys but it's funny you said booze i'm on a i'm on a little bit of a break and yeah getting tight over here in the apartment oh dude i came close the other night

i got like over 800 days no booze no 800 you're still off bill you're still off from when i remember you going off when i still lived in la right yeah I left uh I I left the party Joe in November of 2018 the other day where the hell were we we were oh it was Valentine's Day the day before and uh my wife took me out to brunch and they were just they were just mixing drinks, Joe. And I just kept hearing that blender. Yeah. And I just heard. And I was just like, I literally said, Bart, you'll appreciate this. I said this to my wife.

I go, I am so glad I'm not drinking right now. And she goes, why? I go, because I would get fucked up. You know, like sometimes you just feel it? Yeah. You're just like, dude, I am going to get fucking hammered. And that place just had the vibe. People were in a good mood.

All the different plates of shit. They're all small plates, so you don't feel like you're eating like a fat fuck, but you really are. I know what you mean. Oh, Laurie. Whoa. Yeah. but you really are i know what you mean whoa laurie whoa yeah the blender never got me dude the blender's not the noise that gets me this is the one that gets me oh there was that going on there was that fucking craps thing or that yahtzee whatever you call it well i just the blender to me means oh there's a bar here right they're putting all kinds of booze in that blender i just want

whatever you're putting in there straight. Or on the rocks. That's it. Well, that's good, Joe. So what are you doing to, I mean, Bert every year, he does Sober October. I've been pretty dry since December. However, I did make a Bloody Mary yesterday

and smoked a blunt by myself. All right. Listen, Bert, the fans want you to make an appearance. Every once in a while, you got to fill your contractual obligations. Yeah. I've been really into blunts lately, guys. I'm not going to lie to you.

I got my... Oh, here they are. Here are all my blunts. And I'm doing it again today at 4 o'clock. Ever since Snoop introduced me to blunts, I just really feel like... Slow down, dude. Slow down so we can see them here. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you kind of just... Oh, this one's empty. I really treat myself, you know? It got it's got oh it smells so good well burt you deserve it you know some people get some people get a pedicure other people smoke a blunt i mean you know it's it's been really wow that's all weed that's all it's a it's a gram of weed how long does that take to smoke you don don't smoke that all day. I smoke the whole thing. But here's what I do. Oh, my gosh.

It smells so good. Andrew's nodding. How fucking high do you get? Well, here's the deal. I got really high yesterday, and I could not stop writing jokes. And we had some socially distant cocktails with some friends outdoors. And I thought, I thought I'm going to smoke a blunt. And I did.

And I could not stop making everyone laugh hysterically and I thought that's old Bert that's the Bert we know and love it's the Bert we miss yeah I said one of my friends said one of my friends said my kid just got on ADHD medicine and I was like oh how many does he get a month and they were like what I was like I don't know instead of having to mow my lawn i might just buy some drugs from him and and so and so it started there and i enjoyed it and but i more than anything i enjoyed the frivolousness of just going just throwing the top off and saying we're gonna have a cocktail at four and just enjoy it and i and i had i had one of the more enjoyable nights i had in my life yesterday wow that's great you do a blunt to the head that's impressive man i can't i don't i don't do i don't inhale the whole thing i smoke it and i enjoy it i look at it like a very fine cigar a very very fine cigar take maybe 10 hits

throughout the whole blunt but but I enjoy the smell. That's a lot of hits, Bert. I was pretty fucking high. Well, let me ask you this. How many hits are in that thing? Oh, probably. Oh, the hit's dried up, Joe. I mean, I know there's only about 20 good hits in that thing, right?

So you're smoking half of that blunt to the head i mean there's more than 20 it burns for a while that's what i would think it burns that's enough to get like four full-size adults high bert oh yeah a quote-unquote posse i've seen it done i've uh snoop is the one that introduced me to blunts and i and i joe rogan got into blunts and i was like i smoked a blunt and one of snoop's blunts in my room and i have never been more high in my entire life but i enjoyed the smell the smell was so beautiful and aromatic i'm just happy birth that you're finally cutting loose a little bit you know you've always shown such reserve hey i've got it listen i've got a i've got a personal trainer that i'm working out with every day uh every other day every like four days

it's a she bill very be very progressive very progressive and uh she puts me through the fucking ringer so and it's weird i came in this morning i was very hungover and i did my hour workout and i felt perfect i mean it's like all of a sudden all the toxins flush out of my body and i feel like a million bucks and then i go now we got to go back at it again tonight so i think you've i think you cracked the code i might have i might have i i i've going dry has been enjoyable i did it i've done it a bunch this year and last in december so what was the how old are you this 48 how old are you bert i just i like to compare 48 48 and i just got my enzymes done for my liver. Okay. So you're 48. I'm 43.

It makes me feel like I got like, you know what I mean? If I, you know, I got some time. And then if you're feeling real bad, look at Anthony and go, oh, I'm really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was the impetus? I just, um, you know, it was weird through the first half of the pandemic and the, and

the lockdown and everything, you know, New York's obviously getting hit pretty hard. So i i didn't drink at all i didn't like it i didn't care for it and i think a lot of that had to do with i had i apparently i had covid and it was a very very mild case but my taste buds were all off so the first at the beginning it's just tougher than a lot of these people out there yeah you know you know, I'm tough stuff. I'm tough, I'm tough, I'm tough. But when I would drink, it didn't taste good to me. And neither did cigarettes, neither did coffee. So all these things that kind of went hand in hand with booze and kind of went away.

And then the summer hit, and the city opened up outside, and they were allowing you to do walktails, and everybody could have open containers. Walktails. hit and the and the city opened up outside and they were allowing you to do walk tales and it was everybody could have open containers walk tales and that just lit the fuse and i it just i called i called my buddy justin solar the other day and i go dude i gotta take a breath man i go because the pandemic was the allowance for us to have a great time right now and it's becoming the excuse and i was like if i'm not careful when this lifts i'm gonna be like that you know what i mean watching everybody go to work and i was like i gotta i just gotta take a breather here man it

was a little too much free time you know a little too much fun i think that's the problem with all of us yeah just being a comedian you have this ridiculous level of free time and people who have nine to fives what do they do the second they get free time they get a day off they get fucked up that's just what that's just what ends up happening yeah yeah i'm living vicariously through both of you i don't want you to quit oh keep going keep going my last night of now, my last night was the Super Bowl. So it hasn't been long. It's been about a week.

Yeah, but that first week is brutal. It's brutal. And I don't know how long I'm going to go. I'm just going to go for a while. But I was with a couple friends. And I go, dude, I don't remember getting home last night. What happened? And he goes, well, you and so-and-so finished a whole bottle of Jack Danieliels between the two of you and i was like what i did no recollection of it like and

that was after i'd been drinking for you know you know how it goes dude by the way one of joe's best stories bert joe in scotland a scottish guy said to joe's like joe you can fucking drink so he got the nod from arguably the top of the booze and mountain that's like telling a joke in boston and someone going wow that was racist my favorite bill did bird ever tell you this is my favorite bird story you you told me this when i did your podcast this is a few years back whatever but uh the first time you ate the weed gummy bears and you said your sister gave you weed gummy bears yeah and you you ate them one night and you said you felt like you were sinking into the couch and you called her and you go something's wrong those weed gummy bears really fucked me up and she's like what are you a pussy they're they're nothing how much you eat you're like i don't know 15 and she was like what

and you're like i thought it was like eating regular gummy bears you had to eat like a bunch of them why would they make a whole bag of gummy bears if we're not supposed to eat the fucking gummy bears i know but that is a rule though somebody's giving you shit to eat they're supposed to tell you what the deal is. Take half of this. Yeah. Just bite off the corner. Can't you just drop shit off? Then you had to start trying to race the THC with alcohol.

So I was like pounding alcohol going, I trust you more than I trust it. Let's go. I've been there, dude, just that just amplifies it the last time i ate a strong edible i went to the troubadour to see this band fu manchu play and ate half a weed cookie and i never do that but they're kind of like a stoner rock band so i thought i'd be like into the groove and uh i drank two double jack daniels uh at the bar because i was like i gotta meet the weed with the boo, and it just hit fast forward on the weed. I had to leave the concert halfway through.

I feel like I was on Astor. Just out of curiosity, where did you guys read that if you drank, it somehow overpowers the THC? I mean, I'm a newbie here, man. I would think that that would just make you doubly fucked up, but I was never good at math. Same place I read all my facts, Bill. I just pull them out of the air you know come on you remember from the uninformed days this is researched you went to your security blanket of booze i get that

i was pulling shit out of the sky man i i've definitely had too much marijuana and been like, I can just drown this with booze. That's that's rough, man. It's it's, uh, it does seem because I get the logic of it. I know, I know where my logic with it came from because you think to yourself, well, well, whenever you have anxiety, you know, booze helps, you know, if you're, if you, when you start out doing comedy and you're terrified to go on stage for the first couple times you have a couple drinks and it evens you out or you know you're having a bad day and you're all panicked or whatever you have a drink

so you think with weed you feel that panic come in you're like booze will even me out and it's like so the first time you went on stage you had a couple of drinks before you went in for the first year i went on stage i had six drinks every time before i went on stage because i would go on so late in the night and i'd get there so early it wasn't like a barrel and it i didn't even feel buzz my adrenaline was going so fucking hard that it would just make me feel normal you know what i mean like i would be so scared that i i was so afraid of bombing i was like i needed all of I need all my faculties here, man. I can't.

Like, I don't think I, the first time I ever had a drink before I went on stage was when I was in, I did Kill Kenny Ireland. And I went on stage pretty much blasted. And I did not have a good set. Not the whole, it was like the last night of the festival. Right. And I was just. The Guinness tasted good over there, Joe.

Put it that way. I remember getting off stage at the store one time. And Bill was going up next. And you had already gone up. And I was buzzed. I got buzzed. I never drink before I go on. And I got buzzed.

I think Rogan was there. Everyone was there. And I get off stage. And I go in the back got buzzed I think Rogan was there everyone was there and I get off stage and I go in the back and I go god that did not go well and Bill goes really and I said yeah I had a couple drinks and I was like and then Bill looks at me he goes yeah it slows down your reaction time that's why they don't let you do it when you drive yeah I mean you're not a big believer and after you get some through some shit and having a couple of belts to kind of like calm you down but i feel like when i'm going into whatever i'm going into that i'm nervous about i need to i need to face it clear-headed yeah now i feel that way now uh absolutely but in the beginning seven days into being sober, now I'm feeling it.

I would have a bad set now if I went on drunk and didn't use the energy and the nerves in the right way. But back then, I didn't, you know, I don't know. It was weird. But I remember. Oh, sorry. I'm going to throw side a curveball to you i would argue that when you've got your hour you've dialed in your hour you're getting ready

to shoot a special you're about three months out two months out do you know your material it's perfect idea to get fucking blitzed and go do your hour drunk because what will happen is you'll fuck up your hour you'll be forced to work yourself out of fuck-ups and in working yourself out of the fuck-ups you will find new ways to do those bits that have become a little boring it'll give you it's a good way to like mix it all up and then try to fucking figure it out again on the fly i don't i don't disagree with that but i feel like that's more of an exercise versus a practice right yeah you know i gotta be honest with you that sounded like a really bad idea to me right before my special getting hammered and totally screwing up my act and then trying to remember how it

was funny again dude i was i did a uh a set first my second show back since doing like december and like i had this this one bit that it just like this one part of it just crushed and i couldn't remember what the reference was no clue and i'm like man is that gone forever because i can't i don't think i i haven't taped myself in a long time i'll have to go back maybe and listen to it but uh i was getting to the point where i was just not even thinking about comedy anymore being shit that was funny and the the thing wasn't going like oh i'm going to talk about that and i was i was just felt myself like drifting away i was like hey better get on stage here joe what do you what is your uh what is your outlook joe joe i want to hear your forecast pull

something out of the air force once again sure uh is the vaccine are you gonna get it are people gonna get it is it gonna work are we gonna go back to uh i'm trying to get it desperately but it's like trying to get the new xbox it's ridiculous dude you can't you can't get well they're not down to your age group yet i am with the xbox then with the xbox Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I opened my sandwich shop pop-up, I qualify technically as a restaurant worker in New York City. What is that, by the way? What are you talking about? I opened a sandwich.

Me and Paul Italia from The Stand opened a sandwich shop pop-up in The Stand called Joey Rose's. They're sandwiches that I created. So he's the bank and you're the pretty face itself. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a home run to me. Yeah. He's the brain. I'm the tits. You know how it goes. Um, so we've been doing that over there. It's been going really well and we're,

we're trying to open it in its own location now. Um, and, uh, but that qualified me as a restaurant worker in new york city said that restaurant workers were considered essential because of indoor dining reopening so i'm i'm allowed to get the vaccine i just can't you can't get it it's just it's impossible like you can't every day you go on the thing and it says there's no appointments available or whatever but i mean i'm going to get it are you going to get it me oh yeah absolutely yeah yeah you're supposed to be due to get it uh 50 and older in la is in march so that's leanne my wife i'm gonna be i'm a cougar out there so i gotta i'm gonna be vulnerable should be going around collecting disease i i gotta call i got a call

from a friend they're like yo they they got extra vaccines at uh at uc santa barbara so you see something uh go over and get one and i was like i can't i can't i have a real i'm not a you know i'm a bad person obviously but but i'm not i'm not a i mean i just i don't want anyone to think that jump in the line jump in the line and then then somebody else's nanny dies or some shit. I'm not doing that. I can't do it. I can't. I'm a bad person.

I'll do a lot of bad things, but I can't do that. It was, dude, one of the best lines of that Patrice documentary. Have you seen the Patrice documentary yet? No, I haven't. I haven't. I don't have cable. One of the best lines ever. And this is so prophetic considering Patrice was not alive during cancel

culture. So fucking prophetic. He goes, he goes, they're talking about web. I know this is just on the same tangent a little bit. He goes, they're talking about web junk 2020 or whatever,

whatever he did. And he was like, yeah, I didn't want to do that show because then I go on stage and there'd be 17 year old girl year old girls in my audience going like well this isn't funny this isn't like web junk and he was like that's what happened with peewee herman he was like peewee herman was a jack off in a theater kind of guy who was doing a kid's show and when he was jacking off in the theater they were like what the fuck he goes well i'm a jack off in a theater kind of guy and i want everyone to know that i'm looking

for jack off in the theater motherfuckers to ride or die with me wow and it's so that's great it is what that documentary is so good bill so fucking good there are so many lines in it where i went holy shit like he was so ahead of his time in his thinking of why people stop liking people of why he's talking about cancer culture before it even existed and he was like i don't want to get canceled but he didn't say canceled it was it's such a good documentary he was always like didn't say canceled it was it's such a good documentary he was always like tapped into that like i remember i remember in like in the in like 2002 or three him already being hip to like the the like the plight of reality tv and all that shit you know what i mean like it was still fairly new at that time and it was still pretty celebrated at that time it had not crossed

into you know the kardashians and whatever led to what we have now and i remember him saying like you you can't um you don't want to get on last comic standing before you're ready because then all you're going to be able to do after that is go be some reality tv show guy and then like you saw it happen he said that like during the first season and then you saw it happen with everybody it was like he was she was pretty pretty tuned in as you said yeah he told me he told me one time we were in scotland and he said i got a tv show i got a tv show and a deal i've been doing stand-up maybe a year and six months i'm guessing maybe less maybe like fucking 13 months you were or he was at the time i was i was okay and fucking only you guys can really imagine this but patrice was being extra disgusting eating his breakfast like he was trying

to be disgusting like fingers in the ketchup like just and he was like but he was trying to be disgusting like fingers in the catch-up like just and he was like but he was holding court the way it was almost like a scene in a movie like let me tell you the problem with you i hated when he did that and and i go what and he goes when this goes away you fall all the way back down here and i said what do you mean he goes you got no base your base is that of a comic who's been doing it a year so when this goes away you go all the way back here he goes you should be focusing on raising your base by doing clubs and doing stand-up so that when you get these opportunities you just fall to here you go see when i fall my fall is not going to be that high no one's going give me shit but I'm

going right to here and then they're not taking shit away from me because I can make a living and I was like such a fucking I remember thinking such a cunty Patrice thing to say instead of congratulations and then they take away the tv shows all that goes away and I went back to hosting I was on tv and I was hosting I was like oh what the fuck my base sucks yeah that's funny no he uh you know as cool as they uh they got the billboards they got a billboard joe out here on uh of patrice on sunset in la cienega yeah it was really melancholy it's kind of a bittersweet thing to see because all through, all through the years, seeing all the comics, everybody's had one at this point.

If you have a fucking special, you get up there with that. But like we got in the business, like the Marlboro man was on fucking sunset. It was like big shit. yeah. Yeah. So I got a real,

I took a picture of it, man. I got a real kick out of the fact that, you know, at least we got them to be up there. Um, but Mike Bonfiglio is, is the reason why that thing is so uh incredible he did the 30 for 30 doc and daryl and um yeah so i knew that you know when when we well vaughn's his girlfriend vaughn sold the idea to comedy central then they came to All Things Comedy for

us to produce it so the thing was it was already a thing because a couple people said hey Bill you did a great job with that thing I didn't do shit they sold it then they came to us and then we hired Mike Bonfiglio all I did was he'd be like hey I'm trying to get in touch with this comic can you get him so you know I looked at some cuts of it but it's mike bonfig though he knows what he's doing so now that i've cleared that up uh do you have a i don't have cable do you have a link that i could watch it on or something or can i buy it can i rent it can i download it like yeah look who you're talking to i have cable joe i'm the reverse of a cord cutter i pay like 300 a month in cable.

I have every fucking channel. I still have all the networks channels. I pay for the UFC. Yeah. It's like three, four hundred bucks a month. And I would rather pay that than try and figure out how to do what you're doing. I can't. I have so many streaming services.

I'm paying a cable bill every month but i mean when something like this comes out and you don't have access to comedy central it's like it's a real you gotta you know what you gotta get into dude you gotta get into the criterion channel man oh dude let's talk man i've got uh i've got some on blu-ray and i like that channel quite a bit man that chance i saw this documentary on this on just on this little short film on stand-up and it was a guy going up there telling this up story and they they animated the whole thing in black and white and he was slowly losing the crowd so like you'd be all shadows and your face would be white and then you just see

the light go out on your face and i think that meant like losing the crowd and then he ended up like admitting to doing something really horrible he's telling this story it was really it was i remember watching it being like this must be like what like uh hallucinating is like because it was really like my idea of like trippy and druggie i never hallucinated which i really regret this point in my fucking life that I never did it. I've seen that. I watched all those Sergio Leone movies, Once Upon a Time in the West. I never even heard of that movie.

Fucking unbelievable. I watched a bunch of French movies. Go listen to Bill. Bill fucks your life up. Bill got me on one goddamn book, and now I am obsessed with history, and I've read so many fucking history books it is ridiculous i'm reading one right now on the fucking on the revolution i'm listening to a podcast right now about the revolutions in south america you just dialed that way back yeah yeah i'm reading this book i'm sorry i'm listening to a podcast i saw a picture. Somebody told me about something they watched.

You dialed that way back, Bert. Bill's really into history. He's, many times throughout our 20-year friendship, he has tried to turn me on to a book about history. I'm not a history guy, so I've never done it. I'll tell you when I gave up. I tell you when I gave up, when I realized how bad Joe was at geography. Like, Joe has been to major cities and has no idea where they are.

They are logistically in like from New York. I couldn't, how can you just go somewhere and not know where you're at? He goes, wait, Bill, you know, I land, somebody comes and they pick me up. I don't need to know. Like, like I was like, where is Atlanta compared to New York? He was just here. I couldn't point out Wyoming on a map right now with a gun.

Come on, Joe. You never watch the weather and just wonder what that big lonely square in the middle of the country is? I know where my color is on the map. I looked there. All right. How about this? How about this? what's bigger africa or russia africa right i don't know i don't know the answer i love i think africa would be drunk whatever one i'm gonna say is the other one's

bigger because i lost a bet drunk with someone and i was like bull fucking shit they're like nah take a look. And they stretched it out. Wait, which one is bigger, Andrew? Do you know? It's Africa. No, are you telling me or are you guessing? Yeah, Africa's a continent.

Russia's just a country. Yeah, I know, but it stretches through two continents. It's in Europe and it's in Asia. I sounded a little too sure. I think if you just turn it sideways, that sounds like one of those trick ones. Cause you'd be like, well, Africa, I can't. Yeah. I honestly don't know. I know that was,

that was a straight up fake fact, right? You were faking, right? Bill, what you were just doing, you were just faking what saying that it's in Europe and in Asia. Yeah. No, that's true oh it is okay oh yeah i just i just found that out there's a place called uh volk volka the middle east is in asia i don't know why they call it that but it's part of asia the um it's so fucking confusing i heard your voice in my head the other day bill about about this exact thing i swear to god because i was watching charlie wilson's war the tom hanks philip seymour hoffman movie yeah awesome movie Bill, about this exact thing, I swear to God, because I was watching Charlie Wilson's War, the Tom Hanks, Philip Seymour Hoffman movie.

Awesome movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman had the control in that movie. But there's a part where he goes, where Tom Hanks goes, like his assistant Amy Adams asks him where something is, and he goes, no, no. Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan. And he names all the countries. And I was like, I remember when Bill asked me where the capitals were,

and I couldn't even name them. I'm like, I'm a fucking idiot. Well, that's the thing, Joe, because you're not an idiot. And it just blew my mind. And you do the road. I'm a kind of jerk off. I go to the Quad Cities, and I want to know why are they called the quad cities these cities aren't that big at some point were they one of the bigger cities out here what

did they used to do and then next thing you know Joe you're reading up on I remember one time when I did the uh the Pittsburgh improv uh-huh at the stacks and there was these four stacks and it was it used to be a steel mill yeah knocked it down and now it's a mall but they kept the stacks right so i started reading up on this whatever you know and uh turned out they had some massive fucking riot there between the workers in the steel mill wanting a fair wage and the local militia. And a bunch of people got slaughtered down there right along the river. It was just cracking me up to look out and see like a Fuddruckers and a bunch of fat people waddling out of there.

And you just like those sons of bitches running the factory one. Jesus Christ. I didn't know that. I should have asked that question. Yeah. There's a lot of this. For some reason, like they kind of skip. Like it's all kind of like. Every group of people is all just sort of just mushed into one thing. So white people are mushed into the oppressors, you know, because, you know, the ones doing the oppression were white people.

But there's a whole bunch of shit like, you know, Irish people showing up here and it's just like all right you want to come in you're fighting in the civil war like what the i'm going to go right to the front line get their heads blown off and i remember reading like i didn't know that happened to white people i thought we only did that to non-white people it's like white people did that to other white people too it's nuts dude some of shit like they had to make rules child labor laws like you'd have a kid once the kid could kind of walk and sort of screw a fucking lid on a jar they'd stick them in the the uh factory it worked like a double shift smoking cigarettes and shit and finally someone was like we got to stop doing this so it was kind of, it was abusive, like straight across. I always compare it to Delta Airlines.

Everybody on Delta Airlines has some sort of status. It was like that, but it was like on an abusive thing. And it started with white people fucking with white people all the way down to like the genocide of Indians and Native Americans and slavery. I watched a clip. I just thought of this because you said sweatshops. I watched a clip of Noam Chomsky the other day criticizing porn, and he made the strongest anti-porn argument I've ever heard in my life because he goes, I'm against it.

It's exploitative. I refuse to even consider it. And the reporter goes, yeah, but isn't it a way for certain women to make money and he goes yeah sweatshops are a way for certain women to make money they agree to it they agree to the wage they do it he's like yeah so let's just open sweat i was like jesus dude he really just laid the hammer down on that argument no i think i think that there's uh some woman wrote into my podcast gave me a good trashing um and was saying how you know i always act like all these uh women are just trying to get stuff from guys right she goes

she goes all of my friends are beautiful they all make money and they all pay for their stuff i'm like oh what a coincidence i wanted to be like oh really so you only hang out with beautiful people you stuck up son of a bitch no but she goes and they can't find a guy who's they keep running into guys who are 30 years old addicted to porn and playing video games and i was like well you got us there i think in the future the new booze and cigarettes like addiction thing that they're gonna have they'll have like an intervention of some guy who's jerking off too much to internet porn or just like playing too many video games. I think that those two,

those two things are considered harmless. And I quit watching porn in May. I had a fucking six week relapse in December and January. Cause the holidays are rough. And now I'm trying to, I'm trying to get back on to not uh watching it yeah it's tough dude it's it is it is good for you i went off of it when i went off of booze i've been off for both for the week and i gotta tell you the immediate immediately i'm just like oh yeah my

brain i can see the difference already and just not having porn in my life on a regular basis. Like there's just, you immediately start to rewire the way you look at shit. You know what I mean? Like, and I, I don't know. I never was a big believer in like, when you see a construction site, you don't see like some chick coming out of the manhole and a threesome. Like, Oh, those are two guys making sure the shit flows into the ocean.

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and supporting this podcast get honey for free at join honey.com slash bill burt wait that's a great question because i i wanted to say this to someone to my wife really when okay and andrew get ready to edit this out because this may sound horrible do you guys think about fucking everyone no no what do you mean but elaborate on that like You're at the doctor's office, and the lady behind the thing says, what's your name? And then you go, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. And then you go back, and there's a nurse, and she's like, hey, we need to get you on scale.

And you're like, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. I think about having – I had a period where I couldn't stop imagining what people looked like when they had orgasms, like looking at people and going, I would love to see that person's look when they have an orgasm and then and just thinking like because everyone's got their own orgasm face i would love to see everyone's orgasm i really think that orgasm face just was something somebody said as a joke. And then it kind of got, is it zeitgeist, Joe?

Is this where you use the word zeitgeist? It just kind of got into the little grab bowl that everybody has. And it became a thing that never really was. Like nobody really thought about that until somebody fucking said it. And now that put that idea into your head like does that make sense it doesn't exist i'll give you an example all right when i grew up in boston people use the word wicked people use the word pisser but they'd be like oh that's fucking pisser like dude he's fucking wicked stupid But nobody ever said wicked pisser. But then some actor came out here trying to book a job as a Boston guy.

And he extra Bostoned it and started saying wicked pisser. And then that became a thing. And I've spent my entire adult life saying nobody said that. But now I think they probably do. Because I remember when the Red Sox finally won the World Series, people on ESPN kept saying, I'll tell you, these Red Sox fans, I mean, they're not going to know what to do.

And then a week later, they cut to some meathead. He's like, I don't even know what to do. It's like somebody said it, it went in your brain, and then you think it. I think that that whole like walking around thinking of what somebody's face looks like when they bust a nut, I don't think that's something that you ever thought of

until that became acceptable mainstream reference. Does that make sense? Now I get what you're saying. Yeah, nobody thought of that shit. Yeah, I get what you're saying. saying yeah nobody thought of that shit yeah i get what you're saying like yeah how many people like do you ever i i think sometimes i wonder how many people think about having sex with me like i would love if there was like an app on your phone and you'd be like wow i just checked into this doctor's office everyone in here would fuck me everyone wants to have sex with me like

let me ask you this if you had that app sorry joe if you had that app you know and i would think that the goal is to go someplace and everyone wanted to fuck you to basically appease your ego that you're still attractive a woman's shelter keep going okay okay we'll say a woman's shelter. So do you then to make yourself feel good, do you start putting the woman's shelter more in your circulation of places you go? Because you walk in there and you feel better about yourself because you're not going to fuck anybody, but you just know that in that moment you get to know what it feels like to be a Brad Pitt. Yeah, I would probably start volunteering a lot more at the shelters if they were like, wow, his stability, like he's dependable, he shows up on time, he seems to be even mannered. He doesn't fly off the handle too much. I don't think of any of that shit ever unless there's uh there's a vibe

something unique about them then all of a sudden my brain will go there but if i just show up and it's just it's just a head talking to me obviously if they're beautiful but even then if they're beautiful i'm sort of taking in like the beauty i'm not thinking like gee i want to watch you know her her fucking orgasm face i don't i don't look at it like that different unless if if they're they like totally just whoring it up and their clothes are barely covering themselves and obviously but i mean you really got you gotta you really gotta prime prime the pump with me i'm the exact opposite i don't think of attractive people i always think of unattractive people like unattractive people are who i'm always fascinated

i go i want to have sex with me i wonder if they would i wonder i wonder what they look like if they when they have an orgasm i wonder When do you think your number starts tapering off? What age? No, no. Bert walks in a room, there's a bunch of ones. They should be happy to see you. Oh, yeah, okay. Get to twos. Like, what number do you start?

They start thinking, like, I can do better than this guy. I'm holding out for Joe DeRosa. No, Joe, what's your number? Where does your number? Don't let him do that to you. I backed him into a corner. He's trying to get you to say your number first. I'll say my number.

My number, I think once you go into the sevens, over a six, they start going, I can do better. A woman who's a seven realizes she can probably get an eight dude, right? I would say if a woman doesn't talk to me doesn't talk to me i mean let's i mean i'm fucking old as shit here right so you're not that old you're not that old bill dude i'm old but you're well i love how you're speaking for women in their 20s the oh oh oh by the way all my women are in their 40s i Oh, oh, oh, oh. By the way, all my women are in their 40s. I'm talking about

20-year-old sixes. Okay, if we're going to do that shit, they don't talk to me. 5.7. 5.7. Miss the six. I'm a little above average.

Where you at, Joe? I think I can cruise into the sixes, but yeah, after that... Easy, Joe. Come on, easy. You can go easily in the sixes. Yeah.

After that, I think sevens are where sevens are. You know, I can speak for sevens are my teetering point because sevens I've, I've definitely hooked up with a couple of nines in my life and I've definitely hooked up with some eights and I've definitely hooked up with a lot of sevens, but I've also been turned down by plenty of sevens and eights and nines. So it's like seven is seven's where I started to go. That's your handicap. I'm a little, I'm a little shaken.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a little, I'm a little nervous. I might think about this game show pitch. Okay. I think back in the day, I think I was, I was good till about seven. Then I just knew I was out of my element. Yeah. I needed an oxygen mask. I was good until about seven. Then I just knew I was out of my element. I needed an oxygen mask.

I was going up too high. And you know what I mean? And I'm not talking about just beautiful women. I mean like an eight that knows she's an eight and has dreams. That's a whole different animal you're talking about. That's a completely different. She wanted nothing to do with me about i can't talk to a confident six i don't mean a low self-esteem eight i mean someone who knows what they're bringing to the

table yeah i have no shot at an educated six bill the difference between educated seven would have been a tough one to get in the boat for me back in the day the difference between six and seven seven i'll go all right i'll fuck off and then six you go who the fuck do you think you are that's the difference yeah seven is uh yeah you're starting to get up there top shelf little johnny blue little splash what if what if we do this what if we do this okay What if we do this? Okay, Joe, we do a game show where we put you on stage and then it's an audience full of women and we go, all right, guys, you have a, you have a buzzer in front of you with a scale of one to 10 rate, what you think Joe is. All right.

And so then they all plug in. Joe is a six, right? And so we go, Joe, you officially in America is a six right and so we go joe you officially in america are a six now ladies what you don't know is joe has rated all of you on a scale let's all the sixes that joe picks stand up now that's great that's a great game show right going. Keep going. So then we all stand up. One of you has to fuck him on camera. Anyone below a six, please leave the room. Okay?

And then we take all the sixes. And you go, it's like a date. That's perfect. You go, you guys are too good, and you're not good enough. But you ladies are coming with me. are too good and you're not good enough but you ladies are coming with me and then you say you say joe i want you to pick two girls out of the sixes to go on a date with and the third we want you to pick a 10 and then you see how much fun the dates are and then you pick a one and and and maybe my pitch is falling apart here, guys.

It was good up to there, though. I like that. I got sad when you picked the one. I don't want to see somebody rate it as a one. Yeah, that's a fun idea, dude. You know what a one is? It's a total narcissistic cunt. I wouldn't do a one with looks.

No, just a shit person. Just a bag of shit. Just a garbage shit person. I'll give you another cancelable game show okay to be a companion piece to this one that i've had rattling around my head for years it's called butterface and it's like the dating game and it's a guy or a girl contestant either way and then you have your what you like out there men or women and two of them you just see the body but their head is covered and the other one you just see the face but the body's covered and the two bodies you can see are 10 bodies and the face you can see is a 10 face and you got to go i'm rolling the dice

on not knowing what face is on that body or i'm taking that face with whatever the fuck is is carrying it around under that underneath that chin see this is the programming spike should have done when they were the man's network yeah they should have done that lowbrow the worst fucking common denominator fuck i i tell you man i would be curious to know what people rate me as on a scale of one to ten right yeah it's gonna be well do you that that's like uh like there's two different ways if what if they don't know you? Do you want to know just somebody who doesn't know you, doesn't know what you do? Oh, oh. If you get to know me, I'm a fucking idiot.

Nobody knows you. Burt walks into a fucking CVS baseball hat on, your hoodie. Oh, I don't stand a chance in that situation. On your way to the candy aisle. What are they thinking? Yeah. I'm out. I got no shot without the without putting the personality in nothing what about you none i'm zero i'm zero i'm a i'm a much i'm a sit i

think i'm probably a six looks wise for my supper yeah the show never ended joe i never had a set where after the show i didn't have to still be funny tell me about it dude i know i know that that that i've been i hosted a pussy telethon before i met my wife never ended give him a life he's getting engaged oh yeah i used to just get i just fucking tap out you know it never stops never just i've yeah it never i i i need the talking i need the personality or i got to get to know you for a few weeks something it's never just you know it's never right off the bat you know unless there's something right off the bat, you know, unless there's something really, I got to tell you something, you know,

to up your broad fucking deal here, you could get something a little more exciting on your bed there. I mean, those, those are some of the, those are some earth colors, man. Wait,

you fucking Roberta flack. What are you doing over there? That's red. Wait, no, no, no. It's gray sheets and then red and blue striped quilt.

No. What is that Wilma Flintstone pattern there? Pillowcases you got going on there? It's the, I just picked some sheets quick. I know it wasn't a good pattern. I just picked them in order. That reminds me of the early seventies. Yeah, that's, I kind of thought it looked like that, but everything else doesn't match it. So. It looks a little rust belty.

Yeah. I'm going to get a green screen screen for here so you won't see that anymore but all right i got i got a good devil's advocate question so we're three guys who have always had to dance for our supper as bill says how often has a girl you're not attracted to been able to dance her way into your bedroom? No comment, Bert. Does that make women officially better than us? Yeah i don't know i don't know i really don't know uh you don't know you don't want to say all right all right he's squirming i don't want people to be squirming on this podcast joe i don't know about you. I think you're going to fold under questioning. I'm so turned around with this whole thing anymore. I don't know what's empowering or what's, you know what I mean?

I see women do things and I'm like, does that make you a creep or empowered? I don't fucking know.