The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 5

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about lying to children, vacations, and how to break up with a girl.

All right, so I'll go even one further with the neat freak shit. Yeah. That looks exquisite. It's so beautiful. It is. It's a form of meditation, I believe. It is, and there's no way I'm going to be able to, like, with drinking, I think I might be done. Nah what what but i mean how can you put such such finite definitions on things

i cuz dude i can't behave the way i behaved before I had a kid. My kids, I'm going to normalize being a fucking moron. Because this is my thing with my kid. I'm not going to ever act like I didn't do this shit. I mean, God, it's all documented that I did. But I mean, I just, it's just like, I have a job right now. And I am like, it's not about me. So funny, man. We approach fatherhood very, very differently.

I was like, hey like hey guys welcome to my world i wasn't gonna like hey guys let's figure out what world you're gonna figure out and then i'll form to that that's not what i'm doing yeah but no but i was like i'm not like hey i'm gonna show you this fucking deviant world before you even know your abs. Like, I'm not doing that. I was downstairs watching MeTV legally, not even shit-faced, watching Peter Gunn. Just down there. Just watching these fucking guys all smoking and drinking, and I was just sitting there, and I was just sitting there down there going,

you know what would be great if I could get that Michael Jordan-level smoke that he had in his house. You've talked about that for a while. Yeah. And just sit there smoking cigars, drinking bourbon, watching me TV while everybody's asleep. And it's just like, you know, it just became that. So that's kind of like, that's why I just sort of I had to just, you know. But forever? You think you could say forever? No, I think when my kid turns 21 and she's like, hey, you want to have a drink? I'll be like, all right, let's do it. And then she'll see, hey!

She'll be like, who the fuck is this guy? I can fire it up. Woo! She walks into your wife's room. Send it back. You married him? There's too much ice in this. What was the closest you've wanted to having a drink?

Where you were like, on the edge, you're like, I can't do it. I can't do it. It happens. The other night, we went to this burger joint. And there was somebody who had like, you know, it almost looks like a fraternity paddle. And there's all the different types of beers. Yeah. And I was just like, man, that right there.

But then I looked at the kid he was like in his 20s no wedding ring it's like yeah that's what the fuck he's supposed to be doing yeah but i'm not supposed to be sitting there with my wife and kids just there there there fucking they throw me in the hatchback and drive me home because that's the thing like i i like yeah like if we're doing it we're doing it so i just know that about myself so my kids now sucks have well we will say they've never seen me drunk. That's good. But that's the way I drink.

If I drink, even if I drink a lot, you can't really tell I've been drinking. But if my wife drinks, it is, they are like, Mom's wasted. And she's had like two glasses of wine. Yeah, I don't think that's a good thing for your kids to see. My wife drinking? Just your parents. Your kids should not see your parents shit face until they're at your wedding.

No, but that's, I think that a healthy childhood. So you're at their wedding, I mean. A healthy childhood is every now and then. My wife's probably been drunk around them maybe four times. Every now and then, dad goes face down in his fucking soup. Every once in a while. Just goes, plate full of pots.

I never get that bad. I get that bad. I'll get that bad on the road, but I would not, like around my kids, it'll be, the most I've had around them is like a bottle of wine.

I have this weird thing that if somebody, you know, if somebody got me a bottle of booze, I would look at it like a challenge. Like, I could finish that

in three nights. A third, a third, and a third. Ize, I would look at it like a challenge. Like, I could finish that in three nights. A third, a third, and a third. I don't know why I looked at it that way. Really? Oh, dude, I got into those fucking, I bought those fucking ice cube trays. So you had the big ice cubes. Oh, there's nothing better than over-preparing for an evening of drinking. Oh, yeah.

I had the cup with the cigar holder in it. Dude, I have these glasses. This guy made them them down an el segundo a glass blower right okay these glasses what you saw they were heavy as shit so it was a glass and then it looked like there was an ice cube in it but it was all made out of glass so then you'd freeze the shit out of that so you pour it in and now your liquor was all surrounded by ice-cold glass. So now there was nothing watering it down. So you just got a straight, it was like a chilled Jaeger, but it was like top-end booze. That's where I took it to. Because what happened was, I used to go out to bars, right?

And I never had booze at home. And then, you know, you do a couple of little fucking, hey, little skittles on TV. Then it's just like you got drunks hanging on you. So I was like, fuck, it sucked. And at the same time, my tolerance went up. So I was just like, I was like, I know. I'll have the booze at home.

Then no one will bug me. No one will ever shut me off. Now I'm the bartender. No standing in line. No having to be like, hey, honey, you know, you're pretty. Get his attention because they would never pick. They just, bartenders never saw me. They just look right through me.

It's like, I get it. You look problematic at a bar. No, they're trying to get laid. They're dealing with the fucking hot chicks like i get it you look problematic at a bar no they're trying to get laid they're dealing with the fucking hot chicks i get it no but you are the stereotype of what the problem was in boston redhead loud but like no the stereotype of what they've seen a lot of i never had a bar fight in my life no no but what they've seen a lot of they've seen the irish guy like hey bartender and he's like oh fuck another one of these. Right. You're right. I can't argue that. So, yeah. And then I made the mistake

and then I got a humidor and then I had cigars at home. And I'm sort of a big believer in like, if you're going to do something deviant, you should have to be able, you have to go out

to go do it. Because at my age, it becomes like, I'd love to do that, but I'm not going to fucking get in my car and drive down the fucking street. Then it becomes a better thing.

But like, when people know you smoke cigars, they're just always giving them to you oh you can't throw them out and then like i my humidor was fucking empty and then we had a christmas party and i got two boxes of cigars and it's like 20 cigars fills right back up again the next thing you know every night i'm fucking out there like castro or something i was just like so that's why i i love i love uh six o'clock 6 30 making dinner you are killing me right now why i want to live with you oh it's the best i i love i look at every day as a party i look at every day as as something big should look at every day as something big should happen. Last night I said, hey, what do you think? You sound like an old sassy white woman who just thinks he lives in a small town.

I look at every day like it's a party. And when I show up, people know that I'm going to be a hoot. What do you do at your parties? Oh, I'm having a party tonight. I'm throwing a party tonight. I'm throwing a party Saturday night. It's Chinese New Year's. I'm throwing a party tonight i'm throwing a party tonight i'm throwing a party saturday night it's chinese new year's i'm throwing a party saturday night i love parties i love everyone getting together i love packing for vacation i love getting on the plane for vacation i like the day you get there i have such intense depression leaving hawaii or leaving of coming

home from a vacation or I have the exact fucking opposite for real I swear to god dude I you know what I love I love a staycation I love not going to the airport I love dude everybody want everybody comes here there's some of the sickest fucking hotels ever out here and you just get in your car no stress hey you want to stop and get something to eat there's no stress. You just drive to the fucking hotel. Yes. My youngest daughter, Isla, and I were in the car.

There's palm trees right outside your fucking house, dude. I don't know what you're flying all the way to the middle of the fucking hotel. Hawaii is the greatest place in the entire world. It's the greatest place in the entire world. I didn't believe it the first time when you did a little sassy head thing the second time. I totally believed it. Dude, Hawaii is the greatest place. I love Hawaii.

I love Hawaii probably more than anywhere in the world. Can I tell you what happened last time I went to Hawaii? What? You had the greatest time of your life. They gave you a lay and they said, hey, Bill. I don't know why. Maybe I just watched the big Lebowski, but it was morning and I started drinking white Russians.

Fuck, Bill. This sounds so awesome already. I was, my wife wanted to go down to the beach because she has pigment. So I fucking, and I'm like, I don't want to fucking go down to the beach. So they had some bar out there, you know, with the Gilligan's

Island little hut fucking thing, totally for the tourists. Fucking great bartender with a ton of personality. Not really. He was just, fucking making shit, right? for the tourists. Fucking great bartender with a ton of personality. Not really. He was just fucking shit. Right. So I go, I know you're getting me so excited. I go, I know this is weird. I know it's only 10 in the morning, but I would love a white Russian. Dude, one of the dumbest things you can ever get shit faced on is something that has dairy in it. So I just started fucking drinking these things. And that was his back when I was eating like an asshole. So, like, you know, I was kind of addicted to sugar.

So these things tasted right. My body was like, this is what you need. They're so fucking, I might have white Russians tonight. They're insane. They're the best. They are fucking insane. Hold on, let me put a, do you know what I used to do? It's like drinking a milkshake and getting shit-faced all at the same time.

Do you know what I used to do? I'm going to put a pin in this. Do you know what I used to do at clubs? On Sunday nights. Sunday night's always a rough night for comedy. You pack during the day, you watch football, you go in, you're going to miss a game, do a show. I used to say on Sunday nights, I'd get on stage, I'd go, let's see if we can out drink the white Russians, drink all the white Russians that this club has. Everyone just order white Russians

and everyone would have white Russians. Dude, the club must have loved you. They're like, this is one of the most expensive drinks we have. You're making a killing for us. Half the reason I toured was that I would come in on Sundays and sell white Russians through the... I'd have fucking four on stage. People would be having nine white Russians. People would be farting like crazy. Dude, murder white Russians. Murder them.

Keep going. Okay. I love that you're... This is maybe my best Bill Burkner I've ever heard. So my wife is like just taking in the sun she's frolicking in the surf and i am up at this fucking gilligan's island bar i am fucking crushing white russians i had like four of them and she fucking comes off ready to go i was like yeah i'm ready to get it just how many did you have it was like four like, four. And she just started laughing. So now they're in me.

So now it's like sugar, right? So I want to keep going. So we go to the airport and I find a place and he's fucking making them. And I had like another fucking, I think I had like a total of like seven or nine before I got on the plane. I was so fucking hammered. Before I got on the plane. I was so fucking hammered. I got a group text going with Ian Bagg to start a fucking, what's that fucking game where you slide on the ice in Canada and you let go of the thing?

Curling. Curling, yeah. He wanted to do it, and I just said, fuck it, let's do it. I was just feeling all fucking drunk, and let's get together. So Ian got all excited. I think it was Bartnick, me, and Bartnick was like, yeah, fuck it, I'll do it.an got all excited and i think it was bardick me and in part he's like yeah fucking i'll do it i got all of this excitement going blind drunk couldn't even remember doing this i got i still feel every time i see you and i try to apologize for that and i fucking and then i got on the plane dude and i fucking passed out so hard and half no

halfway through that flight dude i woke up with like a like a nine white russian hangover milk dude it was like i don't i think i drank for like maybe four days oh i knew you thought it was gonna be a big number but it was like it was one of the worst hangers i ever had i felt like i drank like i don't like antifreeze or something it wasn't right oh i love white russians i do too but not nine nine nine's a lot i could have two i just got into i just got back into bloody mary's i couldn't do bloody mary's they gave me heartburn and then i was golfing with my dad let's do let's do worst experience like drinks you had like the worst

experience drinks number one without a doubt for me, is Southern Comfort. Southern Comfort. There was this thing called it's called a Southern Sunrise. Right. So it's like a tequila sunrise, but made with Southern Comfort. I'm not good. I used to drink everything straight. So what's a tequila sunrise?

Tequila sunrise is like orange juice, cranberry juice. Oh, I get it. And tequila. I think it's breakfast juice. Oh, I get it. And tequila, I think. It's like breakfast juice. Yeah. All right. At a party in college, someone says, who wants a southern sunrise? It sounds like a bad 80s action movie.

It's so good. It was so good. I remember at one point saying, I can't even taste the alcohol. That's bad. It's really bad. That's the first thing. Next thing you know, I am mean i'm spinning i'm spinning so hard that i'm holding on to a fire where i'm on a fire like in front of a fire and i'm holding on going i just want to fall back into

the fire and die i am so fucking oh god oh i've i've never been like that as a grown-up, but man, that southern sunrise, oh, I mean, I was like, I was so funny, too. Like, I remember everything that came out was like a, like, you guys want to buy a boat? I don't know what happened. Then all of a sudden you get quiet. And then it just changed, and I went, I don't know, I'm feeling good. And everyone's like, uh-oh, I think they caught up to him. And everyone else had seen this train going off the fucking rails who punched yourself out i've never had southern comfort since wow i didn't have rum and cokes i didn't have rum for fucking uh from 1987 until 2004 i didn't have

it for 17 years really yeah because Yeah, because I went down. We used to drink in this industrial park. You'd go all the way down into the woods. And these two chicks showed up, and they had rum and coke. I was a beer drinker, and I didn't know how to drink. I didn't know that hard stuff. You just sort of sipped, and half a shot of that was like drinking a beer and a half or something. So I was just throwing these fucking things down and i had to drive down from boston down to north carolina the next day with my brother my brother goes don't go out and get fucking hammered you

got to do half this drive and dude i came home fucking blind. I fucking puked out the side of the car, and I fucking passed out. I didn't wake up until Virginia, and I woke up, no, dude, I had like, I don't know, he was driving an old car, and it had like, you know, the fumes from the gas. It was just one of the, I was just like, I didn't fuck with that shit for, yeah,

87 to 2004, and I was doing a weekend at Hilarity's, and it was one of those weird weekends where New Year's was Wednesday so then New Year's Day we just had off and then I had to finish out the weekend.

So Jason Lawhead and all those guys were still working there and they took me out and we started drinking rum and cokes and once again I got totally fucked up.

I got, they lost me. I remember that was their big thing. We lost the headliner. We don't know where, I was totally fucked up. They lost me. I remember that was their big thing. We lost the headliner. We don't know where. I was in some fucking titty bar. It was one of those weird titty bars.

It was like a full bar, and they had a full menu. You could eat a grilled cheese sandwich, and then there was some girl with her titties out. Was it called Christie's? I don't, dude, I don't remember. One of the best titty bars in the entire world is in Cleveland called Christie's. Now, they have locals there. Oh, fuck yes.

Dude, this is the way to get you in. Whatever titty bar, it's like local talent. Oh, I need to hear the accent of the place that I'm at. If I can hear the accent, I fucking love it. I remember I got a lap dance in Christie's and I actually told the girl to stop. I go, I think I'm cheating on my wife in this lap dance. And she was like, huh? I go, you need to stop. I'm think i'm cheating on my wife and it's like dance and she was like huh i go you need to stop i'm gonna go back to my friends yeah you still i haven't been

with titty bar like i've been recently a few times because i i never had gone with money and i'm not saying like uh like but like i always went when when you were a kid and you were like like a hundred dollars was a lot of money like two hundred dollars was like a fucking dickload of money now you can't now you come in as travel channels no pressure the last time i went to a strip club i went with uh a bunch of this big showrunner his son and his all his friends were living in new orleans and they came to my show and they were really impressed like they've never been to a theater show. They'd never seen comedy like this. This guy's dad's one of the biggest showrunners in Hollywood. And I texted his dad.

He's like, hey, take him out to a strip club. And I was like, yeah. And so I went and I, and the lap dancers were like 20 bucks. And I was like, there was like a bunch of guys go, here's 200 bucks, ladies, take care of the guys. And all the girls just hung out with them and like sat on their laps. And 200 bucks wasn't a ton of money for me.

And I went, oh, this is fucking fun. To make sure everyone's having a good time. I didn't get any lap dances. I just drank and talked. And these kids were like, college kids were like, dude, this is the most amazing night of my life. And you're like, it was $20. I gave the girl $20. It was so much fucking fun to be the Hugh Hefner of the club as opposed to the degenerate who's like, one more lap dance, can I get one for 15?

You know? I used to go to this one with a couple buddies of mine literally just to drink because it was a cool place to drink and we would stay up at the bar. We'd stay up at the bar and when the women would come out, we'd go over and we'd just put money on the table and then we would just go back up

and we would fucking argue sports and everything. It was fucking, we used to call them board meetings. So we would go there. How great is this? Well, because we would just go back up and we would fucking argue sports and everything. It was fucking, we used to call them board meetings. So we would go there. How great is this? Well, because we, we would go there and no one would bug us. Yeah. That's what we would do. So this was like, you know, I don't know, like seven, eight years ago.

And we would go over there and we would just, we would hang up at the bar or whatever. And we would literally just sit there and tell stories about doing standup and laughing. but we always made sure that we took care of the women that were, whatever, gave the money, but when we go back to the bar, so it was like, and that was actually, that was a fun one, because that one was just topless, and I always found that that was, that one's more like a party, where it's Nude was always just like serial killer, creepy, fucking whatever. But like the Topless one, that was actually a fun one. But like. Last lap dance I got was very recent at the end of this last tour we did for the Body Shots tour.

My bus driver is a big strip club guy and he wanted to go to a strip club really bad. How old is he? My age. Ron, Black Dude, the funniest guy in the fucking world. I love being around him. He makes me giggle. I don't get it, because it's such a jerk-off. It's like you're not getting laid.

What is the point? Not to speak, not to, this is going to, I mean, just, I don't know if I'll say it, but for Black Dude's going to a strip club is a different experience. It's like, for mean, just, I don't know if I'll say it, but for black dudes going to strip club is a different experience. It's like, it's like for him, it was like a fucking night out. It was like this. Oh yeah, Atlanta.

It's like a party. The black club was a party. Yeah. The white one. I remember this chick down there said, yeah, she goes, yeah, white club, man. That's like all creepy and shit in there. I was like, yeah. I don't know.

What kind of creepy? We went in, I took out a thousand bucks and I said, I just gave it. I said, passed around to all the guys were with all my openers with us guy from australia was with us uh very funny comedian you're really baller bird oh and i gave everyone money and i said i want everyone to have a great time it was well it was the end of the tour it was the last night of the tour so i said we took them out i got i could take care of all the drinks gave everyone money and at the end of the night this girl comes up oh bill I had the best lap dance I've ever had in my life. I, I, I, when I walked in, I knew that the owner of the club had been

at my show, right? That's how we got back there. What was it? You didn't get any makeup on your pants? No, two best lap dances I've ever had in my life. So the first one is I go in and a girl's leaving and she goes, Oh, I'm like a huge fan. And I went, Oh,'t street close she's a street woman that's she's a witness she's a street I'm gonna give you a lap dance because of your credits she's in street clothes and I say to her she goes I wish I had known you were coming in I would have just worked longer and I was like yeah she was like well okay it was great meeting you and I said can I can I just say I said, one of the lap dances I've always wanted is a person in street clothes to give me a lap dance.

Like jeans and shoes or socks with a coat on. Was that true or you just gave her a lap dance? A hundred percent. Because it's what I want. It's like what you want your wife to do is to come home and give, you know what I mean? It's like a regular person doing it as opposed to a person in lingerie.

I just want her to leave me alone. So she says, so she goes, really? And I said, I'll tell you what, before you leave. Stop picking on me. I go, here, let's get a lap. I'd love to get a lap dance from you, but I want to see you take off your street clothes. She was like, OK. And she goes in, and she sits down and takes off her shoes.

Fucking the funniest. I'm just picturing Mr. Rogers. It was the funniest lap dance I've ever had. She's like, she had the mark from her belt on her stomach. It was the greatest fucking lap dance that was the and then i was like that's the only one i'll get i just wanted to do it for fun right i gave the i over tipped the girl and then the end of the night there's the one girl comes up to me and she goes uh can i give you a dance and she hadn't been getting a lot of dances at night and

i felt bad and i said yeah sure with the heart of gold so she. So we go back to the thing, and I said. It's like Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I said, so I don't know anything about the rules. Just so you know, I'm married. I'm not going to touch you or anything. And she goes, oh, no. That's the worst when you're trying to be the, you know, I don't usually go to these.

My friends wanted to go to these. No, I was trying to be kind to go, like, I'm not a dog. I'm not going to be fucking groping you. You were. You were trying to be the creep with the heart of gold. said uh oh no no no the managers told me who you are and i went what do you mean she said they said you can do anything and i said anything she goes anything i mean there's no rules for you and i went cool and i facetimed my buddy cowhead in tampa the dj mike calta i facetime i go can he watch she goes sure and i facetime calta he

didn't answer the phone i go i'm out i'm done the only fun would be to be in a strip club and facetime your friend and be like hey man i'm getting a lap dance at two in the morning it's time oh now i want to go to a fucking strip club and have fucking white russians yeah i'm just not and you're just saying never again what good what i mean yeah yeah you know i'm a creep i'm just not and you're just saying never again what i mean yeah yeah i'm a creep i'm 51 years old shake it up i'm just gonna keep it young stay young at heart i dude i go in that got somebody's daughter i'm that age i'm that age i can't do it they don't know their dad they're you just i'm not saying i'm a good i'm not saying I'm a good person, but it's just, you know, I don't know. But we're different men in the fact that I remember telling you one time

that I had lied to my daughters until they were 13 and 11 about Santa. And you're like, what the fuck? No, it was the level that you took it to. I took it hardcore. You went like video and you dressed up like him and stuff? Like the level of lying that that was was just like. It's so much fun. You took it to. I took it hardcore. You had like video and you dressed up like him and stuff. Like the level of lying that that was was just like. It's so much fun.

It was so much fun. Oprah Winfrey should have interviewed you after that. Dude, being Santa Claus. We're doing Lance Armstrong and then Burt Crusher. I want you to see the look on my daughter's face. By the way, hold on one second. I just found this video the other day. Look at this video of my daughter. Ready?

This is my daughter seeing that Santa had left a trampoline. Okay? This is Georgia. Look at her face. What? It's a trampoline what daddy are you what what the set that's cool yeah santa left her a trampoline oh yeah you can do that you don't

have to fucking do the greatest the green i miss this so much oh that video i'm gonna get the copy of that video and give it to you. And you can play it inside this. It is the best editing work I've ever done. They put the GoPro up. Because you did it with love. They put the GoPro up to catch Santa with a fucking 16 gigabyte card. I'm like, ladies, we're going to be running all night. We're not 128 gigabytes. And they're like, what?

I was like, don't worry. I'm going to plug it in to the wall. I'm going to put the gigabyte. We got it covered. And they're like, really? Now I'm on their team. We're'm going to plug it in to the wall. I'm going to put the gigabyte. We got it covered. And they're like, really? Now I'm on their team. We're all on the same team. They go to bed.

We all go to bed. Let it normal, right? We let it run for like an hour. And then I come in and I just spliced that part of me walking in. And the dog stayed the same. The cat stayed the same. Everything was identical. I just pulled it out and I got under the mantle and I jumped down with a bell in my hand.

I had a bell in my hand and a white glove on and a flashlight. I jumped down, and I put the flashlight around, and then I took the flashlight up to the GoPro, and the glove comes up. See how it doesn't come in like a burp? Turns the GoPro around, and I walked around, and I started messing with presents, right? Then I played it for them Christmas night. They're like, oh, we should check the GoPro. My dad's there, my family's there. I was like, let's check it.

My dad's looking at me like, the fuck are you going to check a GoPro for? I go, dad, we tried to catch Santa last night. And he was like, do you think you got him? Like, my dad's like, you think you got him? And I was like, I don't know. Let's check the footage. And he's like, ladies, you're not going to see anything.

Like, I hate to break, they're getting older now. And he's like, guys, I hate to break it to you. But listen, girls, I think now would be a good time and then you hear ching ching ching ching and my dad goes the fuck is that and i go it's santa and my girls were like oh my god oh my god the glove comes up and my dad looks at me and he goes oh i think you're fucking your children up he said that he said that right to me and i went what he goes you got to tell him right now and i was like dad we got Dad, we got footage of Santa. Oh, my God.

So how did that play out when their friends found out, and then they're like, I have documented footage. And then you have to be, did you, you were sitting there like this when you were telling them, were you just like, listen, Daddy hasn't exactly been forthright. I use Christmas confessional words. Hasn't been forthright. I use Christmas confessional words. Hasn't been forthright. Yeah, I've already, like...

Your daughter's too young to even know what Santa is. No, she gets it, but she doesn't understand the impossibility of it. That one guy in a bag can somehow go all around the world in one night.

Yeah, I'm already having like why am i doing this it's just because you just so fun it is it's but who's it fun for it's fun for me okay you know what i used to do i used to have my uncle pete would call you ready for this brought him into bert's world you ready for for this? In my contacts. This shit is making me uncomfortable, Bert. Under Santa Claus. It's a picture of him and everything. And it's my Uncle Pete. I could call him right now and I'd go, Santa. He'll go, ho, ho, ho, ho.

He'd call up. This is like a conspiracy. He'd call up every Christmas Eve. All the families are there. All the kids are there. I love that you have his cell phone number. I mean, that's like beyond having like fucking Brad Pitt or some fucking superstar's number. I got Santa Claus.

My wife would go into the kitchen, right? Either that or my sister. My sister would go into the kitchen, and I'd put my phone on the table. And she'd call my Uncle Pete. She had a list of all the kids' names in the room and all the presents they wanted for Christmas. She'd call my Uncle Pete. So my Uncle Pete would be on one phone. His daughter, Laura, would be on another phone in Tampa.

And she'd go, all right, go. Santa would call, phone would pick up. My daughter would go, Dad, it's Santa. I go, well, answer it. And she'd pick it up. And we'd phone to this kitchen. It's Georgia. And he'd go, is this Georgia?

And she'd be like, how the fuck does he know? And be like georgia do you want a trampoline for christmas like that's exactly what i want he couldn't recognize the uncle's voice no he'd be a perfect santa voice and then we go uh did you audition all your aunts and uncles this is my godfather this is the best one then he'd go is max fromkin in there and would be like, the fuck, he just said my name. Max, happy Hanukkah. And he'd be like, oh my God, oh my, it was like, it was next, oh fuck. You messed with a little Jewish kid? Were they mad?

Max Frompkin. Were they mad? By the way, Max Frompkin. That's like you're forcing your fucking religion and your pagan rituals on him. We're gonna have to run this by his dad, Stephen, to make sure we can use his name. Beep the name out, Max Frumpkin.

The first time we did it, Bill went like this, right? He's a very literal child, very literal child. Max Frumpkin, is Max Frumpkin in the room? He's like, Santa? And he's like, Happy Hanukkah, Max. I understand you want a bow and arrow. He was like, looked at his dad. He goes, Dad, I need to talk to you outside right now.

And he walked outside with his dad. And he goes, you got to tell me right now if this is real. Because if this is real, we need to stop with this Jewish thing. We need to really, like, he really melted down. Melted down. Stephen looked at him. He goes, hey, buddy, it's his uncle. But don't say anything.

Because all the other kids. And now he's got to carry that. Now he's got to carry that. Fuck it. Oh, my God, Bert. I'm not the best parent. It was so much fun, though, to see the look on their eyes. Dude, you know what you're like?

You're like one of those guys on American Greed, where it just kept going, like the Ponzi scheme. You've got to hear my uncle do it. It's like a Santa Claus... No, no, no, fuck it. I'm calling my uncle. You've got to hear his... This is...

He's a lawyer. Hey, Pete. How you doing? Good, good. Hey, real quick. I'm with Bill Byrne. I'm telling him about when you used to play Santa. Can you just do the Santa voice one time for Bill?

Okay, ready? Yeah. And who is this? Little Bert Kreiser? Yes, Santa, I'm here with Bill. I'm here with Bill Burr, Santa. That's right. That's right.

Hello, Bill. Or is it Bill? It's Bill. It's Bill. He's a stand-up comedian, and he really wants... A new microphone. A new microphone. Okay, okay.

Well, we're just going to have to get one of the elves on that task tonight. A new microphone. A new microphone. Okay, okay. Well, we're just going to have to get one of the elves on that task tonight. But the big question is, is he naughty or nice? Bill's been very nice. He stopped drinking for a year now, Santa. Oh, what was the naughty drink he was drinking before that? White Russians. Yeah, anything brown.

Anything brown. Anything brown. Well brown. Anything brown. Well, that's my Santa bird. Oh, Pete, I love you. I'll talk to you later. That's amazing. He literally sounds jolly. He's the best. It was the best.

I'll see you on Merry Christmas. I love you, Pete. I'll talk to you later. So let me ask you this. So you went this far with it. Yeah. What was it like the day when the Ponzi, the Fed show up and you are, you're Bertie Madoff at this point and they fucking show up and you, you have to, you got to basically tell them that all of that shit to that level was a fucking lie. Please don't start crying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Isla lost a tooth. The girls were still sharing a room. They had bunk beds, but they were both up here. Leanna and I had just come back from a party. I lost a tooth. I had a glass of wine. We're putting the tooth under the pillow. Isla wrote a note to the tooth fairy and Georgia's reading a book. Georgia's got a book up here. Isla puts it under and Isla just turns real quick, like face to face with me and Leanne and goes, are you guys a tooth fairy? And it just caught us off guard. And you can see Georgia peek out from the book. Georgia's 13 at the time, peek out from the book, like over the book. time peek out from the book like over the book and leanne goes okay there's something we need to tell you oh god and and she goes honey do you want to take this and i said yes mom and i are the tooth fairy and they went and i goes yeah i thought you

guys were and georgia goes yeah yeah but by the way, Georgia, she can say what she wants. She could tell she was like, fuck, they're the tooth fairy. And Georgia still got the book up. And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of got the idea that you were the tooth fairy. Oh, God, this is fucking uncomfortable. And so the book goes back up and Isla goes, okay, so what do we do? And Leanne goes, well, mom's still going to leave you a present for losing the tooth and I'll put it under your pillow and you'll get it in the morning. And I was like, I still get the present. And Leanne's like, yeah, you still get the present. She's like, okay. Puts her in the pillow, sits up and goes, hold on. Are you guys Santa Claus?

And I start fucking melting and I'm like, okay, now the book slowly drops again and George's eyes pop up over the book. I go, um um mom and i it's been the funnest experience of our lives to get the opportunity that's a good response to get to be santa for you i can't tell you how much fun it is and george's eyes widen like fucking shit and the book drops and she's like and we're like mom and mom and I were both Santa Claus and it was really fun. And, and, and we don't want you, we don't want you to lose the experience of Christmas, but now what we'll do is you guys can help be Santa for Teddy. There's their cousin and we can, and we'll

show you how much fun it is to be Santa. And Georgia's like this. And I go, Georgia, are you okay? And she goes like, almost like, like holding, but she goes, like, almost like holding. She goes, no, I knew it. And we're like, baby. And she goes, no, I've known her for a while. I've known her for a while. And she was just like, are you okay? And she's like, no, I'm totally fine.

I'm totally fine. I totally get it. And we were like, listen, it's been a lot of fun being Santa. And then, so we go, are you guys okay? That is probably the best way you could have it's been a lot of fun. It's been a blast. Oh my God. You guys would go to sleep and then we'd get you guys

to, the look on your face in the morning was just so much fun and so pure to see your excitement. So then they go, okay. And so we start to leave the room and all we hear is Isla go, hey, Georgia, do you think they're the Easter bunny too? And Leanna and I are like, back leave the room, and all we hear is Isla go, hey, Georgia, do you think they're the Easter Bunny, too? And Leanna and I are, like, back in the room.

All right, hold on. We're also the Easter Bunny. And they're like, you're the Easter Bunny? We're like, we're everything. It's all been, yeah. It's all been a fucking lies. It's been a pack of lies. Dude, it was the funnest thing about being a parent was being Santa Claus.

It was my favorite thing in the world to show shock and be like, you guys got a fort for the backyard? I remember putting that fort together in the middle of the night, putting the fort together, and then having them having the fort and pissing and moaning about the fort going, I had to put this fort together. No one fucking plays with it. And Georgia goes, oh, hold on, dad. Santa brought the fort. And I went, oh, that's right. Santa brought the fort. Yeah, I forgot. If you want, if you want, I will call your daughter for Christmas.

I'm not going neck deep in the lie, dude. You're going to get a call Christmas Eve from me. Ho, ho, ho, Bill. deep in the lie, dude. You're going to get a call Christmas Eve from me. Ho, ho, ho, Bill. It's so much fun, Bill. Right now, people are split because I think the

average single guy looks at you going that is fucked up. But I think there's a lot of married guys that go, ah, we pushed it further than we should have. I think there's a lot of people out there that agree with me. That's what you're doing right now. No, no, no. What do you think? Who do you think agrees more with who? Leave it in the comments, guys.

Dude, it's one of those things where, like, I think that your kids had a better Christmas than most kids. Oh, they would have. I mean, we would arrange. We would arrange. But, dude, like. Santa's gifts were unwrapped. Our gifts were wrapped. So Santa's gifts looked like fucking F.-o schwartz like we'd we'd

set it all up so if there was a train it was moving when they woke up and it was next no there's something really commendable that you loved your kids to deceive them that much oh my god i mean i'll get you the video of the santa video and you'll see it and to see what my kids saw their mouth they were like, I remember George goes He's real and I was like, oh, yeah So so but as you bringing this level to the man it got so great You know that the default that the fall is going to be

each year you just keep jacking it up higher. There were times Leanne and I would be out to eat and Leanne would just go, hey, we got to fucking tell them. And I was like, she's like,

Georgia's going to be driving. I mean, she's like, she got her period. She should know there's no Santa Claus. I don't get how kids that old can go. I mean, I knew by the time

I was six. I knew when I was, I found out when I was 11. By the time my older brother found out. Oh, because you were. And he was pissed. Because he's just like, these fucking people have been lying to me. So he came to me, he goes, yeah, there's, he's like, there's no Santa Claus. Mom and dad, they told me.

And then I was just, I thought it was cool. I was like, oh, cool. I know a big person thing. Oh, for real? It didn't bother me at all. Oh, broke my heart. It broke your heart, and you still did what you did. That's interesting.

It broke my heart to find out there was no Santa. I was like, I was 11 years old. It was Christmas Eve, and I opened the front door. I opened the front door, and there were... Picture the young 11-year-old Bert with a slingshot in his back pocket. He got done whitewashing a fence. Opened the front door, and all our presents... It was nighttime, and allhing a fence open the front door and all our presents nighttime and all our presents were on the front door and i was like holy shit guys sand already

dropped all our presents my mom and dad were like oh calm down calm down and i was like they're unwrapped we can go through them right now my parents were like hold on buddy why don't you come back inside and i was like no our stuff's right on he he didn't why didn't he use it wait and my just a look on my parents' face. And they were like, keep it quiet. Your sister doesn't know. And I was like, doesn't know? Yeah, my sister doesn't know.

I guess we'll keep that a secret. And I was like, ugh. I was like, so I get a shit Christmas where no Santa? I found out the night before. If I had just kept my mouth shut, I would have been like. If you didn't look. I didn't look. You could have enjoyed one look.

I would have loved one more Christmas. Just one more drink. Or one more Christmas. Can I ask you a question? How did this madness start? Why do we do this to kids? I have no idea. It feels like just a selfish thing that parents do.

It is selfish because I enjoyed it. It's like when you get a puppy and you just want to get the thing all excited. Like, ah, you want the ball? You want the ball? The fucking thing's get a puppy and you just want to get the thing all excited. Like, ah, you want the ball? You want the ball? The fucking thing's freaking out. Just because you want to see. I just think you just want to see a kind of joy that you don't have as an adult.

And feed off of it and be like, I'm creating this. But it's just like, I have a friend of mine. He, right out of the gate, just said, yeah, it's all bullshit. You can't do that. Why? Because then you get some first grader that's like, it's all bullshit. You can't do that. Why? Because then you get some first grader that's like, it's all bullshit, man. And like, no one wants that kid.

Let me tell you something. Let me tell you some fucking bastard something. Let me tell you something about all your parents. They're all a bunch of fucking liars. There's no Santa Claus. And Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. Just fucking. Yeah, there's definitely a mike might yeah i went as far as to

reach out to a santa further than this i tried to get a santa to show up at the house when they were getting towards the end where they weren't believing i was like i bet i could get a high-end santa to show up at the house and just be like all right guys there's no santa and then he just walks oh where are the non-believers what the fuck guys i was wrong he's real i would love to be a part of that in someone's life this is what you should have done to get out of it what you should have done is have a high-end santa slash stuntman they do him up like he's dead and he's in the christmas tree i don't know he's in the chimney upside down and then your kids kids see that Santa died in your chimney. You have fake news that you create.

Bring out just a bunch of cameras on tripads. That is on TV. Yeah. So then you don't ever have to tell them he doesn't exist because he died in your chimney. And that's it. Guys, we killed Santa. And they'd be like, ooh, got to live with that. And then you're like, hey, there's no Santa.

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I'll be like, yeah. Dude, I'll tell like, yeah, dude, I'll, I'll tell you, I'll tell you something I did even worse. I'll tell you something I did even worse than that. It's something for little kids. You're a bigger kid. You get it. When someday, when you get older, you understand this lie. I mean, how do you even get out of that? I don't even fucking understand it. I don't know. I mean mean everything about my daughter's future is bright lights to me is the stuff that i want to show her and see if she gets into it or whatever everything you know i told her i got the old truck three on three i wanted the fact that she's going to know how to

drive that and she was born in this century it's going to be fucking cool as shit uh sherry she's a lefty can already fire the ball all this stuff i'm teaching she knows how to swim the only thing in the future that i see awful is this fucking bullshit hold on and i'm only doing you sound a little bit like what was the movie of the the little girl who's raised in the woods by her father to be a hitman do you remember that movie what is it hannah you sound like hannah's father why she's gonna learn how to drive three on a tree. Like all the things you idolize. She's a fucking lefty. She can throw.

No, because my wife's going to teach her all the girly stuff. Yeah. But I don't want to have so many girls. They don't want to do anything. Yeah. They just, they don't get exposed on how to do shit. And then they get all dependent on a guy. It's just like, no, I know how to drive a fucking stick.

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. There's no second date. You know, she'll have confidence. There dependent on a guy. It's just like, no, I know how to drive a fucking stick. Go fuck yourself. There's no second date. You know, she'll have confidence. There's no second date. That's it. I can drive three in a tree. What the fuck do I need you for? Speaking of Valentine's Day.

Yeah, there we go. I am not in with you. That's it. I think another thing, too, is you teach your kids how to break up with somebody. Whoa. That I agree with 100 fucking percent. That I agree with a hundred fucking percent. You just go, listen, it sucks. But there's nothing fucking worse than staying in it.

So you just teach them the opening line. The opening line. How many girls have you broken up with? Ah, dude, I want to get into this. It's fucking brutal. How many did I break up with? More than have broken up with you? Yeah, unfortunately. Oh i'm the opposite uh i've cheated on more girls than i broke up with i was really into cheating one i kind of miss it cheating was

like the greatest thing ever one two three i don't like a half dozen like i wasn't like a big like i didn't go down the road with a lot of people if i weren't into them i didn't i didn't do that but i went down the road i did i did yeah i broke like three hearts that i still think about but once they get married then you kind of feel like all right i'm off the hook but like i still i still think sometimes like I'll just be thinking back in my life going, I should just... I just wish I never met them. I just wish they never met me is what I think.

I broke up with probably one girl. Cheated on... Wait a minute. You broke up with one? Yeah, but I cheated on everyone else. More than what they found out and they broke up with you? Yeah, that's how I did it. I was like, I'm caught. Oh, so you took the coward way out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I agree with you. Hey, honey! What? Oh, man, you want to talk about a fucking rush of energy getting walked in on cheating on someone?

Getting, there's like, they should bottle that. You did that? I've been walked in on. Yeah, I got walked in on. Is that what there's like they should bottle that i've been walked in on yeah i got walked in on is that what it's called yeah oh so fucking uncomfortable i mean it makes me gives me deuce chills now just the look on her face introducing herself to the girl i'm with hi i'm dot dot dot i'm bert's girlfriend. And the girl I was with was like, oh, I've heard about you. Oh, God, I fucking, hmm, that hurt. I just fucking, that feeling of just going like, I think I... Then doesn't she kill you? No, we had to have a conversation. that was rough that was rough I've been cheated on too oh yeah I think anybody who stayed out there as long as we I don't know how yeah I've been

on both sides I've never walked in on I got walked in on it was so I will never forget that feeling there's no equivalent feeling. My first girlfriend cheated on me. Really? Oh, yeah. Big time. Really? Big, big time.

Like how big? Just big time. Fucked your brother? No, no, no, no, no. Big enough that I wouldn't tell it on camera. For real? Big time. Big time.

Wait, big time. And then I was just... I heard he had issues with women. I did't tell it on camera. For real? Big time. Big time. Wait, big time. And then I was just, I already had issues with women. I did not need to meet her. And I did. And then that just was like, what the, it was just literally black is white, up is down. Oh. Everything is bullshit. And then my anger, all my childhood issues then caught up with me.

That's why I'm such why I started so fucking late. You know what I mean? And it just took me so long to get my act together. It was just like... How'd you find out? Oh, my God. Years later. Oh, you didn't find out when it happened?

She broke up with you and then you found out later that she cheated on you? Yeah. No. I can't tell the story. Really? Yeah. It's a great one, though. Oh.

It's a fucking... Tell hints of it. I, I, I... Why can't you tell it? Can you tell it without using names? Just out of respect for the people that were involved. Like, yeah, there was, it was... I learned that recently, because I would tell stories

about the girl. I had a girl sleep with my best friend, and I got to this place where I was like, I would say their names. And I was like, because I was like, I don't give a. And then I thought, one day I was in the shower and I was like, that's a real shitty thing to do is to, like, they've gone on with their lives. But then if someone might work with them, hears me saying their name somewhere that's not a thing to do also because i i was like you know as much as the first one destroyed me like i heard a ton of people and i was a fucking asshole and like

you just like it's amazing that well you don't understand what you're doing you just don't get what you're doing and how that's affecting fucking people and i was so wall off. Like I should have been like literally tied to the side of a house. Like I shouldn't have fucking been allowed to interact with people for like a good 15 years of my life. Like I, that's what I consider like your twenties and thirties. You're just going out, taking your childhood out on people and you don't even know you're doing it. And then you're just walking around thinking that, you know, you're the victim and shit like that. So that's a, that's the interesting thing. Yeah.

There's a, there's a bunch of shit that if I went back, of all the shit that I would redo, I would redo all of my dating shit over again. And there was just so many people, I would never meet you, I would never talk to you, I would never do that. I would just completely stay away from you if I could just somehow do that all over and

sometimes like you know sometimes i don't know why you just sit there thinking about your past and a lot of times i just go like oh yeah yeah i i took when i'm uh the last girlfriend i had i think she cheated on me there's i think technically there's one also that i but i got a couple of those where i'm like yeah i'm pretty sure that you i'm pretty sure and then i decided i remember i was living at that place across the street from the cellar and i was and i i was sitting in the room and i was obsessing about it like i couldn't i couldn't stop thinking about it this before cell phones right and so you just sit by the phone and hope they call you go out and do something and check your answering machine

when you got home and i thought i'm gonna i'll what I'm going to do. I'm going to do something. I'm going to make something. And I'm going to take a break from women for a while. I'm not going to date anyone. I won't let myself date anyone. I won't put myself out there at all. I'm just going to focus on stand-up. And I'm going to build a loft today.

So I called my dad. And I was like, can you buy me some wood so I can build a loft in here? And my dad's like, sure. So we called a lumber place. They delivered the lumber. That night I stayed up all night smoking weed, drinking, building a loft. I built a loft. And when I got done that day, I went.

I love at nighttime. You're on the treadmill, got a glass of wine. Smoking weed, building a loft. And I was like, all right, I did that today. I go, now let's do that with my career so that I'm in a place where people want to have sex with me as opposed to I want to have sex with them. Six months later, I swear to God, six months later, I'm in L.A. I had a deal with Will Smith. I had forgotten about this girl.

I'm at a gas station on Beverly and La Cienega. And she calls me and says, hey, I'm in L in LA. We should hang out. I hadn't talked to her since I built that loft. And I, I was the greatest feeling. And I went, no, I'm taking a break from everything. And she was like, wait, what do you mean? I said, I don't want to be like, I'm cool. I'll talk. I know hard feelings, but like, I just, I don't want anything complicated in my life. I'm in a really good spot. I'm working. And she goes, no, I heard you're doing a TV show. And I said, yeah. And I'm a really good spot. I'm working. And she goes, no, I heard you're doing a TV show. And I said, yeah.

So enjoy LA, but I'm just going to be by myself. She was like, you can't just hang out? And I was like, nope. And I hung up, went back to the Universal Sheraton, just was like, I'm good. I took that break, fucked me up. Because when I met Leanne, I was still that guy, that guy like, I'm good. I'm good.

Because I had had so much success in such a short period of time where I was like, this is the plan is if you're a bachelor, you will succeed. If you have nothing else, someone says, Hey, we need you in the Miami improv. I'm good. I'm up. Let's go like that mentality. And I believe that mentality fucks guys up if they stay there too long. Like if you, if you get to a place, I always say this to Ari, and I can say this about Ari because we're friends, but like Ari's been a bachelor for so long

that he has a hard time wrapping his head around giving in to people. So like when you're a bachelor, you're just always right. You're like, it's me tonight in my bed. I've got this.

Right. And so one of the big things when you get married, you learn how to compensate and self-correct and go, oh, maybe it's not all about me. You give in a lot quicker. You bend at the knee a lot quicker than a bachelor. You want to stay, yeah, if you want to keep it going.

It's a really interesting dynamic about men. They wrote all these books about men of how to get laid, how to get this. There should be a book about how not to like, I remember Gary Valentine. How not to hurt people. Yeah. How to break up with people. There should be something for everybody. They don't teach you how to do it.

That's why I always try on my podcast, I always try to say, this is what you say. Listen, we need to sit down and talk. You sit down and talk. Just say, listen, I'm not happy. This relationship isn't working. I don't want to be it. And just get it out. You just say it, however you're gonna say that and then it's gonna suck for another two to six hours

but don't get talked back into it just hold your fucking ground you're out yeah stay out the second you say it you're out you're out this is by the way this should be a manual for every 18 year old guy and girl watching yes is say the words take that band-aid off and once you do it do not go back don't go back and you are out and then and then if you then don't get back into this is what's everything i wish somebody told me how to get out and then how not to go, you know, get dragged back into an old relationship and then how not to immediately go into another one.

And that's my biggest mistake. And just fucking live your life and do what the fuck it is you want to do and stay out of those things until you meet somebody that you're actually, you know, like you're not doing it for the wrong reasons. Like, oh my God, I can't believe this person likes me. Like they like, I like you because you actually like me. Like, I don't like myself. I mean, dumb reason, right? I'm going to fucking, I'm lonely. This is convenient. You know, well, nobody else has given me a shot. All these, you don't even think about

it, but that's like literally fucking reasons you'll waste six months, a year. And then you're like what you knew from the very beginning, you then say a year later, then you end up hurting somebody. It's fucking terrible. I, if I, if I could just go back and not do any, all of that shit. I broke up with a girl. One, the only girl I can say I broke up with, I broke up with her. And the one lesson I will say is if you take them out to eat, break up with them towards the end of the dinner. I broke up with her before we had ordered drinks and it was the longest dinner of my fucking life. Hey, God bless her for still sitting there. I sat there, we sat down and I said, this is crazy. What's going on? And I went, I'm not happy.

I don't want to date anymore. This is over. And I went, I'm not happy. I don't want to date anymore. This is over. And she went, wait, hold on. And they came up and they go, can I get you something to drink? And as soon as I heard that, I went, I should have gotten a drink first. I should have gotten a little more.

I should have waited until mid-meal or towards the end. I don't understand taking somebody out to drink to break up with them. I took her out to dinner. To dinner to break up with somebody. To dinner. I could have done it over the phone. I could have it you got to do you do it over the phone or face to face you sit down you sit down give me the perfect scenario say say that say that uh

say me al madrigal had the best one al madrigal when he he would be in something long enough oh where the woman would have stuff over at his house he would pack up all her shit we need to talk he'd go over to our house with the shit with the shit oh my god hand it to her dead man walking and just walking up the thing with a box but what was great was he's got a white hazmat suit on what was great was wiping prints off her doorknob it was over what was great what wiping prints off her doorknob. It was over. What was great? What was you said? Because then what happens is like, you

know, just how women want to discuss all the feelings of it is you just have that one talk and it's done. If you have, if you break up with them and then they have stuff at

your house, then they have to, or your apartment, they have to then go and get the shit. Yeah. I mean, this is for men and women.

I'm not sure. I'm just saying it from a guy's point of view. Just get the shit, get it over there, and then it is fucking done. Didn't you used to have a bit about this? No. Dane Cook had one. About? The van?

The van. What was the bit? He didn't know how to get out of it. And it was a breakup service. Yeah. And a van would pull up and you'd just go in it and they'd drive away. And then a guy would come over with an earpiece and just be like, yeah, listen, it's over. Wait, wait, wait, it's over. Man, he's in the van.

He's in the van. I'm going to need to get his CDs. Yeah, it's just the whole fucking thing. They came in, they just packed him with shit. He just stepped into a van. It was kind of like the Breaking Bad episode. I never saw Breaking Bad. Well, I'm saying Dane's Bick foreshadowed the Breaking Bad episode where when you were to get your new identity, I know it was a van.

A guy would just pull up in a car, and you just got in, and then you were just gone, and you had your new identity, and he just took you somewhere, and it was over. Yeah, man, that is a breaking is a do you think anybody's ever done that if there's actually really a service like that someone who was just unhappily married but nowadays i don't think that you you just can't you can't abandon a family i don't know why i'm saying this like it's a bad thing you used to be able to just fucking leave like i'm going to get cigarettes i'm just going out walk away now i used to do a bit just fucking leave. I'm going to get cigarettes and just walk away.

Now, I used to do a bit about that. Was that what I'm thinking of? The fucking feeling of elation when you're walking out that door. If you're that unhappy that you can leave kids behind. All your clothes, everything. How miserable are you that you're just fucking walking out, and as she's going, like, don't forget to get blah, blah, blah, blah. You're just thinking, that is the last fucking time I ever have to hear.

And you're trying to like, hold down your joy. You got it, honey. You got to be like, all right, all right, I'll get it. And then you just leave. And it's just like, what is that feeling when you get to that train station? And you're just on that train you just look into your watch they're probably starting to wonder and you just go and you go to that new town and you go into that bar and that first person

comes up to you hi what's your name and you just just like uh mike mike phillips nice to meet you mike you're married would you no i'm not in the back pocket the fucking ring goes away hey you gotta say mike phillips man he's fucking he's a great guy and then you just sit there and then you just start inventing inventing this thing and then it was fine then you meet you you marry you find love and then your wife wants to vacation in the city that you abandoned a family it's like a movie and then you have to go back in the whole fucking time honey why do you keep putting your collar up? I'm a little cold. It's like 80 degrees out. What are you doing? That's fucking wild. I can't imagine. Abandoning a family

is fucking wild. Like, if there was a drug, like you're saying, that drug, you know, when she walked in on you, if you had that that fucking feeling, I mean, that's like the end of like what

was that that argo movie or whatever that ben affleck movie what the fuck were they get yeah well yeah were you in the plane you're like let's get the fuck out of here like that's that same feeling ladies and gentlemen we're 15 000 feet we are clear out of missile strike grains you're like i had that feeling when i left fucking india i did a gig in India, and they had this thing where I had to send my passport to San Francisco to the fucking whatever, the consulate or whatever the hell it was, to get a work permit. And then they said, just to let you know, when you get there, you got to go to the embassy or some fucking thing to get a piece of paper

so you can leave. I'm like, if I don't get the piece, it's not a big deal. So I fucking go there and i'm only there for 36 hours so i land the night before and we're literally driving and there's those guys in like the scooters but they're also like in clothes oh my god i'm in fucking india this is amazing right and uh so that day i go down to the fucking embassy thing and like they won't let the promoter go in. And then it's just me, English speaking dude.

And I'm in there trying to get this piece of paper saying that I could leave. And then there was like there was this pop star plays a piano. Gorgeous woman. She they didn't let her leave. That was the story they told me. So and so was here. They didn't let her leave. I'm thinking my head.

They didn't let her leave. There's no fucking way to let me leave. So I went up there and I was just talking to the people and i just was hanging out with this chick from afghanistan and she was trying to get out and i was like i'm like this is like stripes where he was going like son of that guy son of beat son of except i was in the class i wasn't teaching the class so i just remember finally i was getting really nervous and i finally like i got this piece of paper and i said to the lady i go so if i show this at the airport this means i can leave right and they have this thing over there where they they where it's not yes or no they don't

nod and they do like this bobblehead thing so she just goes like i'm like what does that mean and she just sort of laughed like you, you know, maybe, maybe not. So that night, I'm doing my gig, and I'm just like, fuck, man. Like, in my head, I'm like, I don't know if I can get out of the fucking country, right? So I fucking do the gig, and then afterwards, you know, I hung out with all these comics. It was hilarious. They were asking me all normal comic questions. Yeah.

You know, how do you write? Do you write on stage? And then finally some guy goes, who's the comic out there selling the most tickets that you just don't think is funny? And I was like, oh my God, this exists over here? Great kids, right? So I got to the airport,

and fortunately I was taking a red eye out, so there was nobody there, and I kind of guerrillaed my way past this guy, because he's looking at the paper. You need blah, blah. I go, I got the paper right here, and he's looking at it. I go, I missed my flight or whatever, and he's fucking doing this shit. And I was like, buddy I got the paper right here. And he's looking at it. I go, I missed my flight or whatever.

And he's fucking doing this shit. I was like, buddy, I got to go. I'm going to miss my flight. And he was like a slight sort of dude. And I just fucking got through it. And then I got on the plane. I was just like, what the fuck? What the fuck?

And we were flying to Dubai. And I didn't feel comfortable until we changed planes in Dubai. And you left Dubai? And got out of Middle East airspace. Yeah. Because that was another thing. You know, you always see that flight accidentally shot down by fucking whoever right so then once we got over like uh you know wherever the felt turkey greece then let's get over there then then i was good that was the greatest flight because we used you know i used up all my miles and we

flew air emirates which is the greatest fucking airline top lot top it's the sickest plane yep stewardesses are all hot like back in the day dude you get your own little private room oh no that's like 15 grand i flew that i flew that from all right don't make my story before you fucking sorry so i go to get up now i'm feeling good like oh thank god i'm getting out so i walk to the back of the plane like first class upstairs and we walk to the back to go to the bathroom. And I walk in the back and there's this big open area. These people stand around. There was a semicircle stand up bar with six people sitting on stools. And then this bench. And I was like, oh, my God. So I went back to see. I go, I go, Nia, come on back here. She goes, what? I want to buy you a drink. Because what are you talking about? I walked it back. This is like, oh, my God. And we sat down on the bench.

We both put, like, seat belts on. Yeah. Clicked the glasses. And it was an amazing tour. I actually flew around the world, because I started in Australia, New Zealand, then went to Singapore, Hong Kong, then Mumbai, and then from Mumbai, Dubai, to New York City, and New York back to L.A. So all you flat earthers out there, I'm telling you, it fucking exists.

I was thinking about doing that to start my my fall tour uh i mean i'll say it but i'm doing uh st petersburg and moscow to kick off the fall tour and i was thinking about going around the country going around the world the other way doing a date in aust Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai. I would love to do something in... I would route it a little different than that. I would go start in Mumbai, then go Hong Kong, Singapore. No, no, no. If you go Mumbai...

No, no, no. I want to start in LA, go Australia, Singapore, Mumbai, Dubai, and then go to Russia. And then go down here and then go back. I want to go to Russia from Dubai. Russia from Dubai. Okay, yeah. Yeah, because I think that'll be a shorter flight, and I think I can fly Emirates. And those fucking planes are the greatest.

Dubai is, like, shady, though. It's like a slave city. Cheaper tickets on Emirates when you're not flying. get cheaper tickets on emirates when you're not flying like like those emirates flights from like new zealand to uh to i took one from new from bali to new zealand it was actually kind of affordable i want to say it was like three thousand dollars to fly first class right and and they had you had your own private bar like you had like it was like an like a hotel bar and i just was like by the way i travel with little bottles of myself so i was like i'll drink mine and then be like oh i just got it from there and just fucking oh i love that

did you uh you ever flown singapore airlines no that's another great one for real just sick plane gorgeous stewardesses like it's just like like back when flying was glamorous yeah before they just i don't know what they did to it in this country. They just ruined it. They just treated people like shit. Like the way people show up, they dress like you. Dude, I dress up on a plane.

Like I just started recently wearing track suits. I think people dress appropriately on a plane because they treat you like shit. Yeah. And then they so like, and then there's this awful like chicken or egg thing. Like what happened first, the of the the people on the plane or the way the airline treated you it's got to be the first people the people on the plane the way they behave i think

so i think i think flight attendants lowered their behavior based on what they were dealing with i think at that level but the corporations what they did was they forced it in. No, you know what happened was I think they deregulated airline travel, and that allowed all these different people to start an airline. Yeah. And then that started this price thing, and then flying became a cheap thing. And then that allowed any mouth breather to get on the plane, and I think it lowered. It's like casinos.

Like back in the day, people, if you didn't wear a sport coat, the mob wouldn't let you come down. Now you can go down there and like flip-flops in a thong with your kid and play slots at like 2 in the morning. A week after 9-11, I was in an elevator with a guy, and he was on his cell phone, and he was saying to his accountant, I want to put, I'd never heard of this airline before. He goes, I want to put everything I have in Southwest Airlines.

And I remember going like, I remember thinking, you're going to invest in an airlines right now. Like thinking that. And I was like, and I've never heard of this airline in my life. And he goes, Southwest, I'm telling you, man, they're going to change the game with airline travel. They're going to make it so that everyone's going to be flying. You're going to be shocked. I mean, he's on the phone. I want to invest everything in Southwest.

Yeah, and that's been terrible for the environment. Like, I don't understand why the fucking video conference has not taken off. Why do all these poor fucking people have to get on a goddamn plane every fucking week to sit across the desk? I mean, I could sit there and FaceTime my kid. You can't FaceTime a fucking meeting? Yeah. I just don't understand why there's still nine zillion fucking people at the airport.

It's like, are you guys all on your way to the funny bone? Where the fuck are you going? Like, I understand during spring break, holidays. I understand that. But like, all of these fucking people. Then you just see like, middle of the school people then you just see like uh like middle of the school year you just see like mother father and the whole family like it's just like where the fuck are you going something's supposed to be in school yeah i would say that was traffic

everywhere like i think traffic it's it's it's uber lyft and postmate people just circling waiting for someone to fucking call because people try to do the thing well well if they didn't pick you up you'd be out there anyway it's like i would go out there and drive to where i'm going to come back i'm not out there circling waiting till i figure out where i want to go like i feel like la now you already had the traffic now you took all like basically all the cabs from out from new york and you stuck them in in in la we didn't have cabs when i when we just first had george and is, I would take a cab to the improv because I was going to drink.

And getting a cab was so fucking difficult. You had to call 30 minutes ahead of time. You never were certain they were going to show up. And getting a cab out of there was like a nightmare. But have you done, I know you haven't, but have you had the experience of Uber and LAX today? No. Have you done it?

It is a fucking nightmare. It is a nightmare. They have sectioned off one lot where all Ubers show up and all people have to walk to this lot from wherever the fuck you were. You have to walk a half a mile to this fucking lot or take a bus there. Good. And all, there is no way anyone's getting an Uber from LAX.

They have, they are trying to kill Uber in LAX. Not the town cars. Town cars can pull up. Because of that horseshoe fucking design. Yeah. That they just keep doubling down on. They just keep stacking it up. It's the worst fucking design. It's the worst fucking design yeah that they just keep doubling down on they just keep stacking it up it's the worst fucking design the worst ever design no have you ever seen the the vip vip vip vip way to get

in there uh are you talking about the one on the other side of the airport 4,500 bucks just for a membership and then it's like it's like 2,700700 on the way out and on the way back, plus your first class ticket. It cost you like $10,000. We took it. You did it? Hold on. We did it for a helicopter.

To take a helicopter to Burbank, you can use that facility for $1,000. So it's $1,500 to get a helicopter from here to Burbank, and then $1,000. Is that Orbeck Air? I don't know. I'm not certain. But you get on the plane, you get off the plane, and someone meets you, like a concierge meets you at the plane, and then drives you. You walk down those steps. You walk down the steps.

You get in a Range Rover. They drive you across the tarmacs to the other side. That place is through the fucking roof i mean it's gorgeous beautiful facilities we were doing it i was doing it because we were taking a helicopter and i was like well fucking a thousand bucks i'm never gonna get to go there i thought you wouldn't fly in a helicopter uh because you was like it's one bolt yeah no i i did it that's what i'm saying yeah all of aviation is one bolt i did it i did it i did it i did it because because I wanted to shoot a promo video for some dates that I needed to sell tickets on. So I figured I was going to make fun of Joe Coy and all these guys driving and flying private jets.

I was like, who's flying home in a helicopter? It is a seven-minute flight for $1,500. It's one of the coolest flights I've ever taken. You are literally 20 feet above the ocean just. Then he cuts over the 405 and just tracks it for a little bit. And he's like, take a look at the traffic. It's six o'clock. It is slam packed.

He's like, come on. And then cuts this way. And he is down. It is a seven minute flight. And you're like, all I can think is that is the quickest way I've pissed away $1,500 in my life. But I was only home for uh 15 hours and i was like and you know when your brain i start going i'm not gonna fucking wait i'm not gonna spend an hour and a half in traffic when i have 15 hours home my kids are gonna be asleep i won't even see

them i'll wake up they'll go to school i won't even see them so i took the helicopter it was one of the coolest experiences of my life yeah that fucking i've been trying to tell you that dude forever i did that flight the other day did you you? Well, I flew. I did a three hour flight. And one of the things I came down the coast of Malibu over the Palos Verdes. Not a Palos Verdes. I came down. The hell's that called? The Pacific Palisades. Yeah. Then you stay out of Santa Monica's airspace and all that. And that's my thing. Like, I love looking at, like, all the brake lights. Where the fuck's my phone? I can show you, like, some of the sickest pictures. You'll look at some of the pictures, especially when it rains out here. When you go up into the, you go, like, north of Santa Barbara and you get into the hills, it looks like you're in Ireland.

Sweet. How hard is it to get a helicopter right after it rains? Are all the helicopters rented? Because it's, like, the prettiest time to fly, right? No, not really. No, people just fly all the time. It's not like that. It's just what's great about right after it rains.

Because any time you look out and it's really clear, clear air usually means there's some sort of wind, there's turbulence because it's blowing all the haze and all the crap out of there. So the more hazy it is, the smoother the air is, which is sort of, you know, it's just like life you're the always you always got to pay a price so the greatest thing ever is after it rains out here is it knocks down all that dust and all of that shit and then if it's oh there's no wind that day if you're

flying like LA is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever fly over it's it's it's gorgeous has some of the most beautiful homes and just as far as the topography the stuff that you can see like i mean you can literally like if you leave out of burbank and you just sort of go like like northwest i mean you just leave civilization and you're just fucking out over i remember one time we landed like in the middle of this field and i don't know what got killed out there as far as an animal yeah but it was a a pretty decent size skeleton and it was just sort of littered over the place yeah we were like oh my god did we stumble upon

this serial killer whatever but we were just in this fucking green field and then like if you wish somebody that's like into hollywood and shit like we flew over and he goes look at this hill here you see this hill uh just one of the pilots over there that i fly with and he goes this hill right here is where uh little house in the prairie with that little girl would run down the hill and would fall down I go this is what they drove all the way out here back down it's like yeah they shot we were somewhere in Malibu the other day and they go see that hill I go yeah they go that's the Paramount Hill and I went what he's like yeah on the other side

that's where they shot all the Paramount movies that's the hill and we were like do you know there's a lake in Malibu Lake Malibu it's like no yeah, on the other side, that's where they shot all the Paramount movies. That's the hill. And we were like, do you know there's a lake in Malibu? Lake Malibu? It's like, oh, dude. I just see. You must have seen beautiful fucking houses flying. Oh, no. There's weird ones, too.

There's one. A guy has a house who was like really into the Flintstones. And he literally made like the stone house. And now he doesn't live there. That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. It just sits on top of the hill. There's another person who was really into airplanes and took old parts from like a 747 and made it into like a house and like there's a big like the wing is

like this crazy deck that goes out like a triangle um did you did you at all then there's just like in like santa barbara and in malibu there are just houses along the ocean that you're like, that's a resort, right? And they'll be like, no, that's just one guy's house. It's like, what the fuck did that person do? What did they do? Yeah, you go up to Santa Barbara, you see like fucking Oprah's house. Oprah's house is ridiculous.

It's ridiculous. Like the amount of land that is just around. I mean, if that is Oprah's. When you went to buy a house, did you take a helicopter up and look at, did you ever look at houses that way? Because I would have done that in a heartbeat. So I was looking for land when we went to buy a new house. I wanted land more than anything. And I wanted to get up in a helicopter and just find a parcel of land. Why don't you come up with me? I'll fly,

I'll fly with an instructor. No one's going to write that obituary. Bill Burr dies with opening act. We could do like just some of the stuff that you see. You fly by the fucking Reagan Ranch. You fucking library. Yeah, you fucking dive down in.

You look at the fucking Air Force One. Do it all the time. Probably shouldn't say that, but yeah, do it all the time. And then when you get up by Camarillo Airport airport which is so amazing where's basically the valley stops is is the elevation goes up and it's canejo grade and then

it just drops down and into like oxnard and and all of that and it goes right out to the ocean and you get out and then the marine layer comes in you gotta make sure you stay underneath that but like really it's it's fucking wild dude it's it's it's it's gorgeous it's absolutely gorgeous and then there's like uh i mean it's endless there's um there's times there's a there's a military base up there i mean one time i was flying down and they were telling me like they were letting me transition through and they just let hey just let you know you know there's whatever the fuck they say and it was two planes coming in i'm sitting i can only see one i can only see one and the guy with me laughs he goes just watch just watch and i just see this guy coming in like this fucking f whatever

cruising in flying in and at the last second i realized there was two of them because they fly so close together so then when they come in for a landing they do these hard turns one lands and the other one is like i I don't know, to cover him, stays above him, and then fucking loops back around and then goes, and I'm in my little egg beater like going, like that. These guys are like, flying by like, what

the fuck? Would you want to fly in one of those F-15s? Like in the back seat? I've never been into speed. Those guys always try to make you puke and it's just like, I don't want to be inverted puking on myself. I don't want to be inverted. I feel like that's their sport. Which I think is really Bush League.

You know what I mean? It'd be like me calling you up on stage and having a fucking joke off. As I've been doing stand-up for like fucking 30 years. I have no interest in throwing that. I would like the Red Bull guy. I met one of those Red Bull helicopters. Oh, the guys that do the stunt pilots? Yeah, and I got to tell you, I watched this guy take off.

I couldn't fucking, but it was like watching a spaceship. The level of power that this thing has. Like, usually, you know, before I go to take off, it's, you know, left, right. You know, just kind of making sure like that, right? Making sure my tail's clear and all that shit. And then you just go like that. This guy has to do all of that shit and then look like that because this fucking guy was like on the ground and then he was like you know like a thousand feet in the air it felt like in three seconds i mean i was like if

i was in that thing i just you'd be like it's stomach all the way down to your ankles it was i would like to do the power i would like to do the Top Gun stuff where they go in the canyons and... Like that one seems like it would be fun. But I don't really care about that. You just have to... You just got to make sure you're with somebody that is going to look at it first, make sure there's no wires. And then there's also another fucking thing where there's...

I mean, I don't really fly a lot of... Occasionally, I fly a 44 that has hydraulics. The 22 that I fly it's literally like it's like a car with no power steering or power you really have to fly it like like and the main rotor is really short so it's it's fucking squirrely but that's why i have most of my hours so it feels normal to me and when i get in anything else it feels like a cadillac i'm like oh my god this thing flies itself so there's a thing with hydraulics i forget what it's called though but if you were to fly and if you were making like serious inputs like slam slam slam like that what can happen is i

don't know something with the liquid or whatever it gets like it gets stuck here and what you have to do and you don't have enough strength to pull it back so what you have to do is you got to chill and let it sort of fucking whatever it reset and then you can go back so there was some fucking idiot doing that in the grand canyon with a whole bunch of people in there and it got stuck and the fucking rock face was right boom over we took a we took it over so make sure if you're going to go out with somebody who's going to do some shit like that it's like there's a fine line between having fun and then being a youtube video we did we went to the what's the thing in in uh it's not sao paulo in uh brazil the mother the the statue like this you know the statue in brazil yeah yeah the virgin mary whatever we took a helicopter up there. And we're up there. We're circling it.

And then the guy just went out over, like, now we're, I don't know, 10,000 feet, I'm guessing. Instantly, yeah. And just hovered, just didn't move, just stayed still. And we're just dangling. And I never had more panic. And he was like, it didn't speak any English. And I was like, we're ready to go down. And he's like, no, no.

And he just waited there. And we were just hanging in the sky. And I was like, it didn't speak any English. And I was like, we're ready to go down. He's like, no, no. And he just waited there. And we were just hanging in the sky. And I was like, yeah, that's why I don't like doing that. I don't like I still don't like doing that. Yeah, I just sit in there. It's weird. Yeah, there's a thing. If you're pulling too much power, you can you can actually start to get into your own wash.

And then you start going down. And then your instinct is to pull more power which creates more wash called settling with power and then you just Then it's like you go on down an elevator But all you have to do is you just you lower the collective you Gently push the cyclic forward and then you you go back into cleaner air. We I like that you the one thing I'm terrified. You know how to get us out of we should do that We should go up and then I'd love to go on a helicopter ride.

Can I drink? No. Why? I talked to the FAA. No. Wait, the FAA won't let me drink? Yeah, no. Why?

Well, they just don't want some fucking drunk idiot like you with flip flops. And you can be. What if I put on a straight jacket? But you can basically reach out. I don't know. Maybe because I don't know why that is. Because maybe because you can just sort of reach up and grab something, do something fucking stupid. Yeah. Well, just when you're in something smaller, I just don't think why that is. Maybe because you can just sort of reach up and grab something, do something fucking stupid. Yeah.

Just when you're in something smaller, I just don't think they want somebody shit. You can get shit-faced on a fucking DC-10 where you can't break down the cockpit door without an axe. Yeah. Oh, that's what I want to do. I want to do fucking edibles. That's exactly what I want to do.

No. No, what you should see is like what i love about helicopters is it's like what we give up in speed the shit that you can do yeah like we landed after we flew there we went to malibu and there's this place where uh he always drops people off or whatever if they just want to have this scenic thing like the sun was going down and all. He's like, oh, dude, you got to check this out. So he had me land on this hill out in, I guess it's Malibu. There's a little picnic table there and shit. So there's a little degree of difficulty making sure you're away from that thing and all that. So come right in over the trail, and then there's a little flat part.

You just set it down, and you're just on top of Malibu just looking out at the fucking ocean. It's unbelievable. It's just like I can't believe I get to just do this. And then he's like, you want to shut it down and hang? I was like, no, I got to go. So we just lift up and just, hey, we want to go down the coast? Get a little lower. Let's have fun or whatever.

It's fucking amazing, dude. It really is amazing. So like. I'll do it. I'll do it. Let's do it. All right, that's it. Thank you do it. Let's do it. All right. That's it.

Thank you again for watching!