The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 50

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle about shrooms, the royal family, and surf dreams.

hey what's going on everybody it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill podcast what's going on bert jeez you've changed so much since the last time i saw you i know i can change hats real quick i got so many fucking hats bill it's ridiculous i uh i got my trainer what is that one this one is god dang it they just sent them to me the diamond back devil dog no it's I think it's a Montana farm team but they sent me

they sent me every single one of their hats I really should know the name of the team because they sent me all their hats and I fucking I tagged them in my Instagram post I gotta do something if people are watching don't send me any hats i don't want any shit i'm trying to get rid of stuff thank you yeah that's you know that's when i first got into this business bill i remember going over not business but like we

opened it was going to take you longer to take that sticker off because i love you you know you know i got into this business that's just funny to watch i remember going to rogan's house one time you remember when he'd do the podcast at his house? I was just talking about that. Yeah, that little conference table. Little conference table. And he had so much merch and, like, boxes of stuff that, like, fans sent him and, like, pictures that fans sent him.

And I remember going, man, if I could get to this place in my life, I'll have made it. And I'm telling you, I didn't realize how fucking annoying it is to just have boxes on boxes of shit people sent you. And you're like, oh, my God, I got too much shit. I want to get rid of my shit. I got to get rid of stuff, man. Yeah. No, you'll – yeah, I'll give you some good advice.

Don't take gift bags. Don't do any of that because i'm telling you you will literally it's it's i always look at like dude you gave a enough to buy a ticket to come to my show that's all you need that's all i want all you need to do because the thing about it is is if somebody gives me something, like I feel so bad if I don't take it. But then what happens is just what we do, you're doing this shit, you know, when it's not this bullshit, you're doing it every night

and then you're coming home. Like there's still a guy, there's a guy that made a wood sign that said Bill's Garage, right? And I know it's kind of corny, but he took the time to do it and all of that and he was also kind of because i was talking about how the garage was my house that i still have it and i finally was looking i was outside doing my band workout which is fucking doing great for the uh the road

rotate is it rotate a cuff or cup i still don't cuff cuff with an f yeah f like fantastic um i'm gonna i'm gonna finally put the thing up there. But people make these things and they take all of this time. Dude, when I was on the road one time, I was trying to lose weight. And this lady came and she had like a cookie store or something. And she made all these cookies with my name on it and shit. And I had to eat every one of them. Yeah. It's like you took the time to beg for me so what i um be careful what you say on the podcast because if you go like dude you know what i'm really into i found the best pair of toenail

clippers these things are fucking unbelievable man next thing you know you'll have like a thousand of them they'll have like you know a razor on it and shit um you don't want to know the best one i used to i i still i have a po box that people send stuff to and uh and for a period of time for whatever i don't know who was doing it have, I have nine 25 pound weights. I have no idea. I have no idea. I said something I must've. And I, and I'm, and then I went on my Instagram. I was like, Hey, whoever sending me 25 pound weights, I'm good. And then all of a sudden 25 pound weights started showing up. What I love though, is when you get a company that'll like hit you up or like drop off something at your show and then all of a sudden you try it and you love it and that is how i feel about liquid death they these cans of water dude

they're the fucking greatest aren't they i got it i got it okay you know what i like i i wish i brought it with me you're such a good businessman uh is whatever that beard the beard wash and the the beard bomb and all of that harry's harry's but i'm not sure if they advertise on this podcast i think that's the other one but it's fine whatever yeah sorry c part you i should just let you do this no no it's fine um well now this is awkward no no i i love this i love when you get hooked up with a good product that is a sponsor and then all of a sudden or like or like or like there's this guy his name his name's burn he's got it's called burner's beef and we're on tour and he's just this guy. He looks like John candy.

It looks like John candy with a beard, right? Just a guy at working out of his garage, working out of his kitchen and he's making beef jerky. He just loves it. So he makes some beef jerky, drops it off at one of my shows and we eat it and we love it. Right. And then we go, Hey guys guys if you want to on the instagram and this is what i love i go if you want to try some really good beef jerky check out this guy's

burner beef and he fucking gets orders out the ass he's like dude i just make this shit out of my my my i gotta like buy equipment now and now the guy is a professional beef jerky salesman oh that's awesome and he is and he loves he makes great beef jerky great beef jerky and he's like doing it he's doing his dream if you if i can help facilitate a dream like that then that that's worth it i would rather do that yeah that's the fucking greatest man yeah have it go that way yeah yeah yeah i love i love when you find good merch like people making cool shit and you're like you're like damn i could i could really ride with this oh you know wait you want to talk about uh something that i've been i've been doing

i fucking uh i went out to the desert uh the i still call it the dessert because of uh greg giraldo i still say when your balls are sticking onto your leg out here in the it the dessert because of Greg Giraldo. I still say it. When your balls are sticking onto your leg out here in the dessert. We went to, me and the family went out to Joshua Tree. Really? Yeah, I went out there and everybody got tested and shit. I have some other family. We came in, whatever, did the whole thing.

So I tried mushrooms for the first time because I was in the desert. I was like, I got it. I got to do I, you know, I got to see what it's about. Somebody told me it would help my tinnitus, which is total bullshit. It's fucking mushroom people. They think they understand the universe after they take it. Dude, you fucking understand the vibrations, man. It's so it's just like no dude you were tripping um like you look at a lamp a whole different way so anyway i took it and and my buddy told me he goes take four squares so i said all right i'm taking six i want to go on a ride jesus christ bill well fortunately my wife told talked me out of it she goes take four and i'm like

typical pull it back on the reins yeah i wanted i wanted to be the lizard king i'm like if i'm gonna fucking do it i want to do it so i i ate the four squares immediately really nauseous it was in the form of chocolate just really like and and the not the being nauseous lasted the whole time and the other dude that i did him with was feeling the same thing so you know at first it starts feeling like a pot cookie like all right i've been here before and then it just kind of keeps going like passes the pot house like oh we're still going down the road and then you know the tv starts looking like it's getting bigger and then all of a sudden it kind of looks like maybe it's going to fall on me but i'm just sort of enjoying it going like oh i know that's not happening that's bolted into

the fucking wall and that's a tv tvs don't grow you're able to keep it like you know yeah yeah yeah i started talking myself through it and somebody else there was like jesus christ bill just go with it it's like well i don't want to start freaking out i gotta remind myself a toilet can't breathe i'm sorry right because i wanted to take a leak and the toilet was going was kind of doing this a little bit just a little bit so then um i got about two hours into it and i was just like all right cool i need to go lay down so i go lay down and uh and i felt this uh i told this on my podcast i felt this profound sense of loneliness and not feeling loved in this depressive thing so now i'm in my head going what the fuck is this and i'm looking at my wife going like did i marry the wrong person right

and i'm like no and then so then what i did was like all right let me think about something that i know i love and i know loves back, you know? Not like I don't know I love my wife, but you know, we get married any given day. It's like, you know, like you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Like next day, I'm fucking out of here, right? That's marriage, right? So I go, let me think about my kid. So I think about my kids and I still felt the same thing.

And I'm going like, okay, so this isn't that. And I realized, because I had gone, I'm going like okay so this isn't that and I realized because I'd gone I'm going to therapy again all of this shit that I was running from this is the feeling I had growing up and this stuff is like coming out of my pores now so it wasn't a bad thing so I just had to sort of sit in it and realize that that's what this is. And I don't know, like the next day, I was all clear. I was just like, wow, man, I really like, and I was still, through the rest of the trip, I was like, man, I just slept walked through my 30s and 40s, just trying to achieve shit because of the way I felt when I was a kid that what I did to fix that was to just start doing shit and if I did all of these things and accomplish these things and people would think I was cool and then they'd stop fucking with me that was my little kid way of getting out of this shit and now I'm in my 50s and that shit doesn't go away till you deal with it.

So I'm finally stopping and like sitting with it. So it ended up being like this great thing for me to kind of like deal with, to kind of have that goodwill hunting. It's not your fault yeah fucking moment so it was weird because all my friends that that i told i was gonna take them were all excited because they thought like i you know i was hoping i'd be like dude i felt love i felt oneness with the fucking universe i wanted to hug a cactus it wasn't that it was just sort of like like this fucking empty thing but i was able to like figure it out thank god i had kids yeah i didn't have kids i'd be fucking looking at my wife sideways and ruining that so that that was that was my trip that's you're such an interesting

person because you don't look like you don't act seem like the type of person that would go i'm gonna do some mushrooms dude i tried him the first time when i'm 52 so i am not that person you were you nervous no dude i i like i i can like i flip out of a little i don't get nervous on big i just i'm able to just block it out and do the job right and it like really helps me for when i'm really nervous like for like really big gigs like back in the day like the first time you you know when you're doing like uh you're doing five minutes on a talk show and it becomes like super like surreal and you're hearing the band playing and you're like what the am I like this is happening he's gonna introduce the comedian and it's gonna be me

it's like you have to like just block all of that out and be like, all right, there's 400 fucking jerk offs here. They look like me. They talk, I can, they speak in my language. I can make them laugh.

Why are they jerk offs? I don't know. See, I called them jerk offs cause I'm nervous. So I'm lashing out at them. And I had this weird thing where I had to work up like a healthy level of hatred on some level. if I didn't feel comfortable I I would go like you know fuck the fucking host I'd have to literally I think I had

to go there because that was just me being nervous so I wasn't like fuck the host thank god for the host thank god he has the tv show I got something to do tonight so it helps me to like, like just sort of like dial in, but I'm really bad with like little shit. I mean, it has to come out somewhere. So it's like little things. So like if I'm going to do something like it's really scary, I don't want to do it.

I'm nervous about what's going to happen and everything. But then once I do it, like I'm one of those people, if I'm going in a pool, I just jump in. Yeah. The deep end. I don't of those people, if I'm going in a pool, I just jump in the deep end. I don't walk down the stairs. My wife doing that drives me up the fucking wall. It's like, well, you just get in. It would have been over like fucking a minute ago. This is how I do it.

That's my wife. Oh my God. It's like, why would you prolong that? Um, so yeah, it helps me with like flying and shit like that. Like the other day I soloed out into a place where I hadn't been before and it was way more gnarly than I thought it was going to be. Uh, there was like, there was like three things all happened and it fucking once. And then I got clearance and I was crossing the center line. I was like, what in the fuck is this? And I was just like, all right, just look down your GPS.

You can see the traffic. There's nobody there. There's a Charlie airspace coming up. It's from 2700 or whatever. You're at 2500. Just stay in here. You don't have to fucking talk to them. Just go north of this.

And then I got north of that. And I see there's all these fucking jerk offs like me get north of it because they don't want to talk to the fucking tower so then I just make the decision these fucking assholes aren't even talking on the radio I don't want to be near them so I ended up asking for clearance got back into the Charlie so now I'm talking to him so I got fucking two eyes my eyes and his eyes watching what these jerk offs are doing and I was all they be able to do that calmly now you tell me to download Google Chrome and I will almost take my laptop and throw it out the fucking window. And I don't know why I'm like that, but that is the way, that is the way I am wired. And, and, but in the problem with that is most of life, 95% of life is downloading Google Chrome.

Shit like at that level. So I've spent so much of my life losing my shit over like, you know, anything. Nothing. Like the stupidest shit. People who don't understand that a garbage garbage disposal you're supposed to scrape off as much food as possible and then put it in it's not designed to take all of that food and people just you know got a chicken bone going down there my daughters my daughters just empty all their food into the sink i go no no no no no you throw that in the trash then

whatever else the garbage there's so much little in like information about garbage disposals it was like when i was like 30 years old somebody finally told me how to hit the ketchup bottle that you hit it on the heinz 57 everybody's always going like from the back yeah and then all of a sudden somebody just says no you just hit it on the 57 and this shit came right out i was just like i think the kids call those life hacks or whatever oh i love a good life hack people stick food like this big and they'll just send it down there it's like dude like you understand this is the pipes the sewer everything goes into this shit you want as little of that stuff going down there as possible by the way dude

the the fucking sewer pipe the fucking drain pipe to the street i gotta get that fixed fucking i i just got a couple of gigs coming up i can't announce them yet and i'm like finally finally because you know other than podcasting you know we've all been like a financial freefall here fortunately i'm not a fur coat guy i don't have a grill i didn't do any of that dumb shit so i got you know i'm all right and these guys fucking came up and it's just like yeah man we gotta we gotta do the whole thing and i was just like all right just fucking do it and then it's just like yeah this section's fucked up too we ended up just going all the way around the house and the number just kept going oh my god does does and i literally go can you just cap it at this number and he goes

okay and he came two grand less and i'm like oh is that how it works i should have said less than that so wait are you doing indoor gigs um i'm gonna do a virtual gig really because i i did one i did um i did a benefit for somebody this high school kid in massachusetts uh got hurt really bad playing hockey and um you know it's just something you know you know a comedian you can just help somebody out why not go do it so yeah you know it's just something you know you know a comedian you can just help somebody out why not go do it so yeah you know i did that and then through doing that it's just like oh i could do like a gig or something or a gig or two doing this just because um you know i i just miss it and i also need to i you know i'm you know i'm i'm not bill gates here man i need them i need to make

some money here yeah i feel i feel like i'm not going to be getting back on stage for at least five months and like i won't be able to get on stage for five months and i'm kind of i i kind of feel like i have no point in life i'm just like why aren't you getting on stage for that long ah long story i story. I'll tell you about it later. Okay. But, uh, but I'm really,

I feel very, you know, I felt very guilty going out and doing those summer shows. Cause I was like, I don't know. Am I like, I don't, I, am I doing the right thing?

You know, I know they're not the ideal climate, but I'm so glad I did them now because I'm like, Oh, I would have not gotten on stage for it for a fucking two years're safe stay in the car wear the fucking mask whatever it is you can do it safely like what that guy is doing in texas i don't have a problem with him opening up the whole fucking state my only problem is just like just have people wear masks when they're when they're inside i mean it's a big enough state I guess people could kind of walk around each other. You know, I don't know. But like, you know, I don't think doing like a show,

if they're trying, you know, they're taking people's temperature. At some point, you know, people have to get out of the house. They have to fucking, they have to earn a living. Yeah. Dude, I've just seen so many of my favorite goddamn places are just going under but the upside

that i i do know of that is is i feel like that you know i don't think i'm actually really liking this new generation of young people you know i did i did like three shows on friday yeah they're cool i kind of feel like the millennials took the hit on this whole new overly sensitive pretending to care time. Like so much of it is just pretending to care and grandstanding and shit. They kind of took the hit on that. Like the way when we were talking to George Lopez, how his generation figured out that doing blow was not good for your career. figured out that doing blow was not good for your career. Fortunately for them, we knew not to do that. I feel like millennials took that hit for this next generation. They're a little more relaxed. And I think every generation in front of them kind of let them know what the happy drugs were and what the ones that made you up on a billboard

with fucking wooden teeth look like. Not saying people won't still fuck up, and what the ones that made you up on a billboard with like fucking wooden teeth look like, you know? Not saying people won't still fuck up, but like, you know, some of the music, like I've been following some people on Instagram where it's just more, not even like lyrics, it's just more vibe music. And I'm like, where I'm in a part of my life where I'm trying to calm down, you know,

with kids and shit. And it's just like, I like this. So, oh, I forgot to tell the end of the mushroom story. So I fucking, I, I just was so clear the next day. And I was just like, you know what? I need to like, take care of myself more. I need to stop. Like, I need to get eight hours sleep. I need to stop fucking smoking cigars all the time. So I was just like, you know what I'm going to do in March? I go, fuck this.

Like me, I'm all or nothing. I jump in the pool. I'm going plant-based. I'm going to see what this plant-based thing is. I'm going plant. Dude, I'm going to tell you right now, before anybody gets me all fucking, there's no fucking way that I'm not going to keep eating steaks, okay? I like, you know, I like fucking steaks too much um which by

the way i saw a bear maul a cow the other day on youtube and i usually feel so bad for whatever's getting killed by a fucking bear because they just maul them to death but the cow just it makes the funniest fucking noise the whole time he just sounded like he was a passenger in a car with the bear and the bear kept missing the exit like nah doing that right i know that's heartless but i also eat burgers so anyway so for the last like eight days other than like you know after i go to therapy i i there's a sandwich place i go to and and i and i get i get like you know a sandwich with like salami or something like that and then uh and then saturday night we you know they opened up the restaurant so he was sitting outside under a heat lamp and i got like a chicken palm but i gotta tell you ate that chicken palm after eating

all like the plant-based the whole fucking week dude i mean i felt like i ate a fucking anchor you're real well i mean it's italian so they give you like enough for three people which is why i love italians but like it was i i should have stopped so i was sitting there going like is that the meat or is it because i ate so i think it was a little bit of both but um i've been making like these fucking protein bowls or they call them buddha bowls before that gets canceled um and dude i'm barely working off it's just falling off me for real yeah like i weighed myself today like i lost like six pounds holy shit but i think you do in the, you lose a lot because your body's

like, Oh my God, he's finally stopped eating ice cream. Oh, this is great. And then it kind of settles in. So I really believe in having that one big fucked up meal every week. You ever see like the rock? Oh, like what the cheat meals? Yeah. Sunday night cheat. See, a lot of people fuck up as they have a cheat day. It's a cheat meal. So he'll have like a whole fucking pizza or like, dude, he was making these waffles that were like, you know, as big as his fucking arms. So a fucking huge. And like, I think that that's like that that's kind of been working for me. Oh, dude, I walked by,

I walked by a, um, a couple eating, uh, chicken and waffles in San Diego. I took the girl to San Diego this weekend and I had a mask on and I had sunglasses on. So the woman couldn't see that I was looking longingly at their food she but i definitely i

definitely like looked and then i just kept staring but i'm in a fucking complete mask and she got pissed she was like excuse you and i was like in my head i was like oh you can't see that i'm just looking at your meal like if i had all this shit off you'd be like no she might have been saying that too oh fuck there's certain people they don't want you just staring at their it was so fucking good it looked so good it was a by the way i'll tell you i don't the name of the restaurant i don't know the name but it was right across the street from the hotel del mar and it the fucking chicken and waffles at this place where I'm talking like double take. I haven't seen tits that have gotten me to stare this long.

Like it was overwhelming. You know, I know a great place for that in, uh, I don't, I have it in my phone somewhere in, uh, Durham,

North Carolina was one of the best soul food places I ever went to. And now I'm just hoping it's still there with all of this. God. Yeah, this crap that's going on. Yeah, so that's the deal. So I'm going to try to go the month of March. And then I just need, you know, my buddy Jason Lawhead does. He's kind of.

I just watched him eat a fucking sandwich today on Instagram. It looked like the greatest sandwich I'd ever seen in my entire fucking life. He's an unbelievable cook, but he does vegetarian. He does plant-based thing. So I just need something to switch it up, dude, because I am like – it's like what I should have done was gradually go into it because I didn't have all these feels, dude. I'm eating like a fucking prisoner of war.

Like I got like fucking four meals. I've been eating them almost every day. And it's just like if I eat one more fucking sweet potato and cabbage with all I can't fucking do it. So I'm getting bored. And I'm like, well, when I eat meat, I don't get bored. It's like, no, when you're eating meat, you got the whole fucking, you know, you're eating chicken, but you're eating chicken like 9,000 different ways. You're eating steak 9,000 different ways or pork or whatever. But I kind of like the shape that you get in, you know, sleep a little better.

I didn't sleep last night because my wife was watching that stupid fucking interview. With Meghan Markle? Oh, my God. You know what's not fair? The fact that Netflix hides thousands of shows and movies from you based on your location then has the nerve to increase your prices on you. That's not fair. I mean, I love Netflix.

I absolutely love Netflix. But it's not fair. I'm glad you're reading this one. Jesus. Oh, this is going to be the controversy this week. Bill Burr and Bert Kreischer, terrified to talk about fucking Netflix. Go ahead. Now, you could just cancel your subscription to Netflix,

but I wouldn't do that. just cancel your subscription to netflix but i wouldn't do that or or you can be smart and make it make sure you're getting your full money's worth by using express vpn like both bill and i do so you might not know what's on netflix in your country is completely different than what someone in the uk or j has on there. Using ExpressVPN, I can control what country I want Netflix to think I'm in. ExpressVPN has over 90 countries to choose from. And every time I run out of stuff to watch, I just switch to another country, unlock new shows. Right now, I'm watching The Crown. We talk about it on this episode. And it's not the US one cause I want the real one. So I'm watching the one from great Britain.

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you want your dick to work. All right? And remember, get started today, and you'll save $15 on your first order of erectile dysfunction treatment. What was your wife's takeaway? Was she like, because, I mean, black Twitter today was fucking all but ready to get on a plane and kill the fucking Britain. I mean, it was like Britain. I got on Twitter and I was like. Or the royal family. Yeah, the royal family. I mean, I just felt like I was watching a bad

summertime Hollywood movie where you already knew the ending it's just like let me get this straight you went to the whitest fucking place ever into a castle and you found out they were racist like I was it was I mean look obviously I feel for all of that type

of shit but like I don't know. I, I, and you know, you're not allowed to say it anymore. You're just not allowed to say where it's just like, it's like, Hey, I went out and played hockey and somebody smashed me in the face with this stick. Well, what the fuck are you playing hockey for? Why would you go?

I wouldn't go there. Like, I'm not white enough to go there. They would be talking shit. It just sounded like. You're Irish, Bill. By the way, they don't want you there. I got to be honest. I kind of like I had fallen asleep and my wife said, do you mind if I watch this?

And she had it cranked up. And then like I ended up waking me up. And then I had her laughing her ass off because I just started doing this bad British accent and just go right. So then I met this ginger cunt, right. And we went to a castle and I was just being an asshole because I couldn't go to sleep.

I slept on the fucking couch last night. Oh, I look, I don't, to i slipped on the couch last night oh so like i look i i just i just started watching the crown have you seen the crown it's on netflix it's so good i heard that's i heard that's really good but uh it's amazing did you watch the interview like i just i just watched it i watched i just kept waiting to be surprised maybe i just know white people because i'm white like i was just like well yeah that kind of seems like didn't they have a guy there a long time ago he was like some indian guy and the nickname they gave him was sooty he was such a sellout he's going no it was a term of endearment. I liked it. He was like the only Indian dude at the golf club. And it's just like, yeah, those guys exist in like 1860.

Yeah. You know, look, I mean, the truth of all of it is that England or Great Britain doesn't have a great history with uh you know the monarchy doesn't have a great history with racism by the way also these are like little my takeaways from the crown is the queen now we're talking the crown I love how you're now talking about a tv show oh it's but that's all I know all I know is what i saw on the crown i don't know anything about the real monarchy is like they don't teach them they didn't teach the queen like school they taught her how to be the queen like at a certain age when you're going to be you you possibly will be the queen they just start teaching you how to be the queen so you don't get like a lesson

in history or you don't get math lessons you just learn how to be the queen um but i was like yeah i mean her husband was not you're walking into that where they all got a fucking wave like this you know you have to sit there if some stiff tells you how to fuck now you know they're gonna literally gonna control how you wave oh it's if first of all it's so it's i mean it just seems seems like a life you don't want to live in. And I thought that's why Harry got out of it. Honestly, I thought that's why he got out of it because he didn't want to. Royal duties are like fucking exhausting.

And you don't have freedom. You have no freedom. From what I'm seeing on the movie. I know they live in a castle. But how about the fact you can never move out? Yeah. You never move out of your parents' house. And you're just fucking sitting there.

Dude, how sick do you get of fucking recitals? Ah, fuck, some cunt's coming over here with a cello. I got to get all dressed up in my ruffles. The fuck are we doing here? I mean, Prince... You want to go to a fucking soccer game and get shit-faced and eat fish and chips like everybody else, and you got to fucking sit there.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. there dude i i tell you what i wouldn't mind i just because they seem pretty lax on when you can drink and how much you can drink i wouldn't mind being a prince and just have one of those you know it seemed like prince philip always had a fucking cocktail in his hand and the guy's 100 years old so you get doctors all over you you and i would definitely be the ted kennedys of that fucking family like i would i would i would just be like like how well i'm living even if i die young it doesn't matter because i still had a better life than everybody else in a very superficial way so right right look at this ruby right uh here's my question i got a gold-plated fucking lighter lighter i know i'm doing a bad accent whatever so wait here's my question because

you've been in his shoes meaning you married a woman of color he married a woman of color his family said i was a prince no no no but like just the experience of of of of your brother saying something off color that you go what the fuck like and then sharing it with the world is I think kind of what is I'm sure fucking no I don't come from a family like that it's not like there was like that shit was going my my, my, I don't, I don't like talking about super personal shit, but just say my family was a little more open-minded than the average family. And we've definitely, you know,

fucking had our issues and shit. Yeah. But like, it wasn't a, uh, no one asked what the skin color of your kids are going to be. That's what the big thing is. They were like,

how dark's Archie going to be?'s what the big thing is they were like how dark's archie going to be and you're like what the i mean it's like they're just they're just backwards people dude and they they're all each other i i will i will tell you this this is my this is my take on all of that shit yeah okay i have the answer to all of that as far as like when it comes to racism and should people be together and mix and all of that how beautiful my kids are yeah is the answer and then if you look at the royal family who've all been in the same pond like purebred dalmatians i mean they're some of the ugliest people i mean there is i mean this just it's just a sea of fours walking through that they're a mess.

Dude, fucking Prince Charles was one of the ugliest fucking people I've ever seen in my, he was never good looking. He was a weird kid too, weird child growing up. They're all weird. They're all weird because they're all sitting in the castle fucking each other. So that's my question. You looking at these weird, ugly ass white people

living in this fucking castle. I can't believe she went in there and made it out. Yeah. I mean, that seemed like, what was that poor reporter in the Middle East where they had him go in the embassy and he never fucking came out, but he didn't come out alive. It's just like, you got to like, that is like, you're fucking with the level of power that you're, I wouldn't fucking go in there. There is no fucking way I would ever go in that palace and that door's closing behind me.

People are going like, dude, you gotta see what it is. I'll take your word for it. I'm good. I'm going to keep being Johnny Appleseed out here. You know, I'll be bread and circus. You guys, you do all the the yacht yeah so like they're brutal too man once once you're out you're at you're dead to them like they did that with with uh with the queen's uncle was the first first uh king and

he abdicated the throne and gave it to his younger brother her dad and they hated that guy and they made his life yeah abdicated i know a lot about this man i watched it what does that mean slow down here i gotta start taking notes abdicate i tell you what though that is this is gonna make a word great season seven on the crown what's that this is gonna make for a great season seven on the crown what's that this is gonna make for a great season seven on the crown when they cover all this shit oh i know they just kind of wrote that thing yeah so that was what i kind of thought about it's just like i was not surprised that they would be super racist like wondering how dark the kid's gonna be none of that is surprising it was just

wasn't that i thought it was kind of already out there i guess it was interesting to see somebody that actually went in there and like you know and had that experience and everything um but like none of that was uh was you know i mean it's it's england i England. I mean, they're just the shit that they've shit that they've done. I mean, it hasn't been good. No, it was, uh, yeah. I'll tell you, it was a rough one. Okay. I would love to be, I would love to be like, one of those gifted lives that Prince Philip had where he just partied his balls off, took a boat, went to Australia, sailed back, fucking big. And so he took like a cruiser, like a big cruiser. He was like something in the Navy, in the Royal Navy. It was just like, fucking let's go party, boys.

They had a bachelor party around the world and just were fucking uh indigenous women everywhere everywhere everywhere that's fucking that just sounds like the most loneliest horrible fucking experience oh being prince philip would suck dick he didn't get a voice in his life bro that that guy got fucked he married his that's not what life's about dude if you make money you should help people out other than that what what's the point of fucking making money yeah look i understand hey man i always want to have a fucking you know fucking pinball machine in my garage or whatever i'm not saying you can't fucking do that but like you know if you start making like decent like crazy fucking money or like even just it's easy you can go fucking help somebody out

even if you just see a band playing and they got a fucking hat there throw them a fucking 20 there's a little good deed for the day something you can do something but to just sit there and just roll around in it you know right we got a yacht all the women with bad fathers come on the boat so we can do horrific things to you like i just be like i would just think that we'd hit a iceberg if we did some like that oh there was no there was no insight on on the problematic behavior that went on back in those days. None whatsoever. I mean, just Prince Philip started what we would now call grooming the queen.

When she was like 13, he started writing her letters. He was like seven years older or something. Started writing her letters. He was like, yeah, fuck, I want to marry a princess. My parents don't. By the way, don't take my royal history for what it is i'm giving you the a bottle of wine into the crown royal history but like his fucking his sister wasn't married to a nazi his family were all nazis he he he was like a bastard child his mom was a whore by the way once again i was a

bottle of wine into it what are you talking about you talking about the show prince philip prince philip the interview last night i didn't fucking hear any of that oh no no no no no no that's just everything that everything that had gone on in under the royal family has been what we would now term problematic what we would now term problematic. What we would now term problematic. Why would you go with problematic? That was like some of the most epic evil shit I've ever heard in my life.

There's like pedophilia going on in there. There's fucking racism. You know, things got a little problematic. At that point, we realized we had a problem. I tried to keep my nose out of that shit bill i don't want i don't want i don't want the i i don't want to be under the radar i don't want the the site to get locked on in on me and they're like what did burt chris because all of a sudden some royal fucking websites like dedicates their life to the queen is like how dare you you can't even talk shit about the queen some lady was on pierers morgan's today saying something and he was like

she would question the queen does she have her own beehive you know like if you make fun of beyonce like every fucking you know fat chick out there starts they start calling you a bald ginger cunt and all this shit it's fucking hilarious to me i wish i had those i had those fans once i had a set of like diehard fans once in my career i mean i think i feel that one of us may perform but not people that are gonna die on my hill there's a lot of people dying on my hill I wouldn't want to waste their time doing that anyways it's like just I put out comedy shows every couple of years go watch it if you like it come see me live that's that's all you need to do I don't give a shit if somebody trashes me on Twitter I don't be honest with you I don't even read it yeah i don't even yeah i don't fucking read it i read it i read i read yours every now and then no me and derosa read it back

and forth to each other oh because of that stupid shit now me and derosa got the worst of it they they were like they didn't even acknowledge me or joe and any of joe and i are texting each other hey man they pronounced my name wrong in this that was yeah that was interesting it was interesting to see people watching the same clip and have two of the exact opposite takes on it but uh what was hilarious about that clip was you said i don't even want to talk about it because people are going to construe this as something that it's not and all i can say is this and then and then they went no no that's exactly what we'll do thanks for giving us a heads up there you go you poked your head out just far enough and now we're gonna make up a bunch of

shit it's like i'm gonna fucking you know this is my opinion so i'm gonna make him be saying what i'm saying fucking idiots all of them fucking idiots it's just it's that clickbait you've got to sell man i don't even want to talk about that stupid shit because then it just gets him no he said we're fucking idiots you know that that term came from the potato famine you're a little tone deaf right now i dude it is so nauseating watching white people trying to fall all over themselves acting like they care yeah i mean sitting here watching fucking hollywood acting like you know we're gonna hire all these people of color acting like they weren't the ones who weren't doing it five years ago acting like they were the ones who it's like you were the guys running the shit

what do we got fucking 20 year old people running fucking networks now you guys were all doing it it was like when the me too thing came out and then all these fucking guilty assholes had fucking uh male feminist buttons that was the you know that that was a that was a dicey call in a limo going you want to put this pin on he's like ah i've done some shit maybe uh i don't know is there a way i can put it like undercover and my inside my jacket i think if you did some you put it on yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know i don't know i i who gives a that's just like it's it it is what it is i i i just do what the i do if you like it watch it if you don't watch something else i don't read i'm a moron yeah that's it

so if you want to fucking you know and meanwhile dude meanwhile there's stories out there they were saying how like in in by 2050 the amount of plastic in the ocean is going to outweigh the amount of fish okay jesus christ how much how much time did people spend thinking about that is there out there living their best life buying some thinking about that is they're out there living their best life buying some more plastic shit that they're going to then give to goodwill pretending that people want their old shit they don't they just throw it in the fucking ocean yeah i saw i keep i saw a video one time about sierra leone and uh they were talking about half a second i thought that was a pop star all right go ahead that's that little island right off of uh india right no it's in africa it's i think it's in uh

west africa or sri lanka is that the one off of uh sri lanka isn't yeah i think is what you're thinking of but they i watched this vice thing on on sierra leone and i i know there was just a story of this kid who was smoking heroin or smoking, I think, smoking heroin. He was a child. He was like maybe 10 in the video. I think he was on Vice. And every now and then when I hear the outrage go off about whatever, the CEO of Papa John's or whatever, I just think of that kid. And I go, I mean, that kid's life is rough.

What about that kid? what now that's why i don't believe in a higher power because that kid's got it he's just as much a human being as me and he's smoking heroin what did he do that life what did i do to deserve this life how come i got this life it just doesn't make like whatever made us doesn't care it was for entertainment and if you look at the fucking animal kingdom just watching that cow stupid ass fucking cow has no fucking chance a fucking cow could oh could maybe outrun me all right what the fuck can i outrun in the wild and just watching when you really watch like nature videos and realize that like rabbits are they're there to be eaten and you just look at them they're not hurting anybody

they're hopping around their little fuzzy tail and then one of that what the is those little things shouts whatever you call those things. They come out of nowhere. These little weasel looking fucking things just jump on their neck. And the things go like, no defense, no defense. Little vegetarian fucking teeth like me, right? Fucking with you. It's just fucking terrible.

Watching fucking baboons grabbing baby gazelles. It's just, it's the fucking terrible watching fucking baboons grabbing baby gazelles it's just it's the worst fucking thing it's just like there's something out there that loves me i don't know maybe i need to do mushrooms again yeah i don't know if that i i think about that i think about all the bad shit going on in the world and all the kids that don't about all the bad shit going on in the world and all the kids that don't get a shake at it and then you're like well how could why what if we focused everything on that of like just raising the just raise the tide enough so not so like kids don't have to live work in diamond mines i i don't know i don't i that's that's the thing that uh the way this whole thing is set up.

You know what I didn't really think it is? I think nice people don't want to control other people. And fucking assholes do. And they just took power early on. And they set up this game plan where they just have everybody pitted against one another. And rather than helping each other,'re just like you know i mean i don't want to just blame it on like oh the sociopaths and the oil companies something i do a lot but like it's human beings are unbelievably flawed flawed and your your behavior because of your

own insecurities the amount that you can hurt other people is fucking ridiculous. And then not to mention the shit that happens to you when you're a kid, which isn't your fault, but then you go around and now you're an adult and basically your job, I think as an adult, is to figure out how you're fucked up and how that's affecting other people and yourself so you can be as little of that as possible but there's no no i mean if

you're a human being and you're out there walking and talking the very least you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings you're gonna say something very least or do something so it's a uh you know i don't know i don't know let's let's fucking, you know, bring the nose back up. All right. I'll complain about my wife. So I wake up, I wake up the other morning in San Diego and I go, you know what? I'm going to go buy a surfboard. I'm gonna buy a surfboard. It's 300 bucks. It's a, it's a foam top surfboard. And I'm going to spend the morning while everyone sleeps. I'm gonna spend the morning surfing. I'm going to, I'm not really, I can't, I can barely surf barely surf but i was like it's not that big out there it'll be fun and i tell my wife i go i'm gonna i'm gonna run over the surf shop and buy a surfboard

and it was amazing how quickly she whittled it down that i just was like ah fuck it i'll just go back to bed like she was like what time do they open and i was like, ah, fuck it. I'll just go back to bed. Like, she was like, what time do they open? And I was like, well, I don't know. She goes, I bet they're not even open. And I was like, well, yeah, well, I'll check on my phone. And she goes, well, it's cold out there. You're going to need a wetsuit. And I was like, okay, I'll get a wetsuit. She goes, how much money are you going to spend? I said, the board's 300 bucks in this wetsuits. I don't know. I'll just, I'll, it doesn't matter. And then she's like, what are we, where are we going to put the board going home? And then you're going to have a wet wetsuit in the car. I mean, that's going to be, and I was like, God damn it. I just was trying to better myself and have, that's like nature, dude. They had to develop their brains because guys

were just born generally speaking, physically stronger. And we're using that to overpower them. So it's like, all right, I'm not going to try to go at you physically i'm going to go at you mentally and i really think that that's why women are smarter is because they've been doing that for a million years and you know that's kind of how nature develops like oh i need this i need this needs to be better than that so we can level the playing field and now considering over the last hundred years the rule of thumb went away like we're just playing a rigged game man yeah you ever hear what the rule of thumb was yeah you could beat a woman with anything smaller than your thumb oh there's yeah no bigger than your thumb can you i can't not fucking imagine beating anything with the can you can you somebody breaks into my house

yeah i could hit him with a bat but it's just like you're really gonna get a wetsuit all right time for the stick lady i mean what the fuck is that dude you got a surfboard right there you could i know but i didn't i could just sit it right next to it. I didn't bring it down with me. That's what my daughter goes, you got a surfboard in the man cave. You've never, everyone just, like, they teamed up on me so fucking quickly. And the one caveat. They all got in the water with me.

But Liam would get in the ocean. It was fucking freezing. So we all got in the water with me. But Liam would get in the ocean. It was fucking freezing. So we all got in the ocean for a little bit. Whatever. I didn't realize San Diego is like Texas. San Diego is super conservative. Most of California is super conservative. I didn't know that.

How come? It's just L.A. and San Francisco that are the two little places? You go to the, like, fucking Inland Empire, Burbank. Dude, all the beaches, Huntington Beach, Seal Beach, and all down there. Yeah, it's completely different. Totally different. They don't have as many followers as, you know, some woke celebrity person just up there pontificating so that's what i always tell people who don't live in la it's like dude la is one of the most incredible places you'll ever go to as

far as the the food the people and just the viewpoints i'm not saying the viewpoints are always fucking good but like if you're under the hollywood sign it's gender neutral 20 miles no traffic you could literally go to a white power rally on one of those and it's like that's that's really what la is everything's la is like you know that that little montage thing in beverly hills cop eddie's walking down the street seeing like i mean that's the rodeo drive that's like the cliche type of thing of like that's what la is it's like no man it's like there's so much more to it good and bad um i don't know yeah it caught me off guard it caught me off guard like uh just and then i was like oh fuck yeah the military's down here like i just assumed san diego was this like hippie liberal and then all of a sudden you're like oh yeah this is not

that this is like navy seals live here and and and fucking like it was really crazy like seeing old people walking around without a mask i I was like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. It's a, well, I mean, you can thank all the celebrities to the, uh,

networks and even me, I got on people, but not wearing masks. So it became like a, um, a left wing, right wing thing. One of the dumber moves.

I think I'll keep wearing masks I like wearing a mask like even when I don't enjoy wearing a mask but it's not as big of a pain in the ass to not wear it I don't want to fucking get sick and then breathe on somebody

and then they die and somebody loses their grandparents I don't want to do that i mean this is going to change the way people behave sick i mean think about it like how many times have you been on an airplane and the guy next to you is coughing and you're like oh i might get sick now you're gonna be like dude put a like it's i don't know't. And I'll tell you, nine 11 taught me that. What's that? Now, is anything ever going to be funny again? Can we ever make people laugh? But blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. I remember about six weeks after that, and you could still smell it burning. They've just almost had it all out. Whatever.

A month later or something like that. I remember I was on the upper West side and it was, there was a, there was that time. Everybody was coming. You're all right. You're good. And it was all that in West Side, and there was that time everybody was coming, you all right, you good, and it was all that in New York, right? Yeah. And about three, four weeks later, because we were already doing spots, and I did a spot like three days after, right? We ended up, I was trying to catch a crosstown bus.

I was at a gig at Stand Up New York. I was trying to get over to fucking Comic Strip with my MetroCard, and I was running. strip with my metro card and i was running i was like hey you know and the bus driver didn't see me and kept going i was like ah fuck and i was losing my shit and i looked on the bus and i saw this woman looking at me laughing and i was just like all right new york's back it's over we had our little we're gonna care about one another it It's slowly going to go back. Now, I think, you know, as long as there's nothing like, you know, once it goes back, once it goes back, dude, like people aren't even going to fucking, they're not going to remember it. Yeah.

Once everyone starts getting vaccinated, you're going to be, I bet people will feel powerful. I don't know. I think if I, I know for a fact, if I am getting sick and I'm getting on a plane, I'll wear a mask the entire flight. So don't get other people sick. Okay. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Unless I'm drinking bill. I don't think, uh, you know, I don't know. We'll probably work up an immunity. I don't know. Something will happen.

I'm going to be fucking straight edge now, dude. I like it, Bill. I don't know how long I can do it because there was like... I think when I was watching the other night,

I was just kind of like, man, I wouldn't mind just fucking having like a little edible. But it was starting to become like booze for me. Yeah. It's the same. It's the same fucking problem is if it's in the house, I'm going to eat it. I'm going to do it. You got cookies in the house. I'm eating cookies.

Yeah, me too. You got kale in the house. I'm eating kale. So I just got to in the house? I'm eating cookies. You got kale in the house? I'm eating kale. So I just got to... You know? Some of these fucking gigs, they give you a bag full of weed now. And then that's just sitting there.

You know? And your wife doesn't let you get a surfboard. You need to take the edge off. I smoked a joint that night. And then passed out in my daughter's room and uh dude that's your catchphrase tell this story i'll tell you then you ended up yeah i'll tell you i smoked a joint that night okay i smoked a joint that night no i'm already after that argument i'm already fantasizing about i I have a, I have a trainer. I've been working out with a trainer.

And so I have a trainer at four o'clock today. And I saw, I was, I was, you know, Googling George Lopez and I saw a picture of him smoking a cigar and I went, Ooh, I'm having a cigar tonight. I'm having a cigar tonight. And then I, and then when he said, and we were playing golf for the first time and we cracked those, those silver bullets, those cores, I cores i went oh i got cores in the fridge i'm gonna have a cores and a fucking cigar and it's windy out i love smoking a cigar in the wind so i'm gonna go bust my ass with my trainer and then what i love smoking scars in the wind what what is it about

the wind it's hard to lemon it just it i just it's to watch the smoke come out of your mouth and just dance away i love it i love it i can romanticize any way to catch a buzz i can do it i was gonna say you just painted a picture there man i like that oh i can't watch i can't watch michael jordan smoke a cigar and not want a cigar immediately oh dude that was the hardest thought about not drinking whatever he had in that little fucking that little the right glass for that scotch that was just sitting there and he was telling his whole fucking basketball life story and then you know in the end i'm lighting this and i'm drinking that because i'm the greatest that ever fucking did it. I love that documentary.

Dude, I watched a interview he did with Cigar Aficionado. And I think you might have told me about it. Someone told me about it. And he smokes one cigar. And then the guy goes, I got this one too. And he's like, we'll smoke both of them. And I was like, you're smoking two cigars back to back. And he's like, I need something to drink. And I was like, you're smoking two cigars back to back. And he's like, I need something to drink.

And I was like, Oh, his life is fucking perfect. Like he just gets to do him all day long. I was like, I fucking not that I, not that I'm holding back at all, but that was my favorite line. Joe DeRosa said last week,

you know, bird is great to see you finally cut loose. DeRosa's podcast with Sal Vulcano, when they were talking about Sour Patch Kids today versus Skittles, and I could not stop laughing. Dude, it's how mad the passion. They get so upset. you see them the the mozzarella sticks versus the fucking chicken wings no oh my god joe was so fucking mad he's gonna say

you're crazy they they don't have they don't have like you know mozzarella stick nights it's wings nights you're crazy and then one time uh sal was going off on the fucking whatever the two shakes are jamrock shake and the mcflurry yeah and he's like i'll tell you right now because the mcflurry can take a fucking walk mcflurry can take a fucking walk it's going off and i actually get into it i actually have like an opinion it's like watching fox and cnn but it's about food dude i watched them talk about sour patch kids now i hadn't had never had any i never liked sour things my entire life never liked sour things and i go on vacation very beginning of the pandemic I take the girls to Arizona in an RV and Isla goes says go into the store when you go to get gas get grab some Sour Patch Kids and I said I and I had the exact conversation those two were having I said what's the lure of a Sour Patch

Kid like what is the so what you get over it like you can overcome the taste and then you get the good stuff yeah and they're like well they're like well some people like sour stuff and i was like no no one does and they're like well we do and bill i am addicted to sour patch kids i started eating them that week and then when we were on the tour bus i would take we had these edible mints i would crush up these edible mints and pour them on the sour patch kids and then we would we would had a marijuana sour patch kids dusted with marijuana on the bus and i would eat i would eat bags of them bags of you are a chef at heart you're always doing that hey you ever had this heath bar dude i take a heath bar i put it in the oven with some Fritos. It's just like, what the fuck? I will say this, though.

As far as that, just as we're promoting the show, and Joe was nice enough to come on last week, even though he opened his big fat trap. How long would Joe last in the mob? Fucking three days? Big fucking idiot. I would say between the mozzarella sticks and the chicken wings i gotta i gotta go the sticks all day long oh a good mozzarella stick oh come on with a little

bit of ranch and some marinara that's the great i like the marinara sauce i'm not into the ranch but dude that thing when it's the perfect level like there's a like there's not there's nothing worse than an underdone one in the over that person that hits that sweet spot oh god yeah i don't think that like wings can um wings i don't know they're just they're fucking messy i well i love wings also i like wings too I like wings too but like if I gotta choose between the two man I gotta go with the sticks I don't wanna do their show here but I was just curious

what you thought I'm a big mozzarella star but I'm a big my problem is my daughter said to me the other day like yeah you got a problem with pizza like I have a problem with pizza like when I order pizza I order an extra pizza you just finished one problem with pizza like i i have a problem with pizza like when i order pizza i order an extra pizza you saw you just finished one i order extra boxes of it i make sure we have

lots of leftovers because man i can murder pizza yeah murder okay you get a large cheese pizza right how many slice how many slices can you do oh Oh, the whole thing. Yeah. I do the whole thing. And the crust? You can get the crust down? I do the crust. Bill, we got... Because that's cheating. You don't do the crust.

That's fucking cheating. Yeah, we got six pizzas the day we got down to the Hotel Del Mar. Six pizzas. They got great pizzas down there. Six pizzas. We had maybe three pizzas left. I woke up in the middle of the night. I swear to you.

I swear to you. I got pretty loaded. Smoked a joint that night. Woke up in the middle of the night. And I had put a piece of pizza in my pocket of my pajamas. Oh, I pulled it out in the middle of the night. Took a bite and threw it on the side leah goes we wake up the next morning she goes what is all over your side of the bed

knowing oh i found a piece of pizza in my pocket last night she was like what the fuck burke i got a problem with an. That is like some junky shit. Just sitting there like fucking... Oh my God. I probably wrap this up. I got a class. I can do like... I do four.

I always say I'm going to have two slices. Then I'll have four occasionally. Then I'll come back, you know, double back. And I'll get four occasionally then I'll come back you know double back and I'll get to maybe the fifth one but um I can't do a whole pie not out here there's no pizza out here good enough to to do the whole pie but back east there's a bunch of spots in Massachusetts just because I grew up out there that I know that I could definitely do it in New York because I live there. There's a lot of places. If you go into Ben's, what's your order if you go to Ben's?

Oh, Ben's Pizza? Yeah, what's your order? Oh, okay. All right. Those are happy days. All right. You just got to have a plane just to have a plane oh of course of course um and if they got a pepperoni mushroom that's my favorite i'm probably knocking down two of those

and then i'm gonna see where i'm at i would how long does the conversation happen afterwards do we the people when they go by ben's they have no idea the amount of fucking comedians that were in between do you remember I just I remember the summertime shows and going in there and the sweat drying from your sets because I was I was moving around like because I was so nervous and drying on my face and then being so relieved and having all like you get 50 bucks a spot and it was all mashed in with with with cab fare money all stuck in like like when you're drunk and come out of a titty bar back in the day right and going in there and then being like having to pay and being like oh because that's back when they

it was dangerous down there yeah kind of like you just grab one and peel it out and be like, please don't be a 50. Please don't be a 50. I'm going to get mugged here. Oh, me, Dane, Bobby, Patrice, Keith, Voss. We would all just, nobody knew who the fuck we were. We all would all just be standing there fucking just eating that pizza laughing until like fucking three in the morning i i actually like ben's better than joe's i love ben's i love i love ben's

i would get i would get always get a cheese uh pepperoni and then if they had uh spinach and the white um yeah yeah yeah the white pizza yeah the white pizza spinach with it i had to get one of those and then and then i'd always grab one for the road because i lived over on mcdougall and so i'd grab one for the i'd grab one for the road fuck all right real quick real quick my late night my late night when i was in new york because those delis are open all the time my late night move was i would get two slices of pizza at one of those rays and then i would get uh i get like a pint of ice cream and then i would get a can of regular Pringles. And I would go home, and then that was just it. And I would just eat the fucking pizza, right?

And then I'd have a little bit of the ice cream, and then I'd open the can of chips, and it was just like, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, all the way down. And then the next morning, I'd wake up like, why the fuck did I do that? When I'm in New York now now and i see a pizza place like say i fly to new york i drink on the plane i land i check into the hotel and i like how you said that like that goes without saying i fly to my kind of place it's a five-hour flight yeah i the second i see a pizza place the second i see a pizza place i go who are we kidding we're

not on a diet we're fucking this up right now i just walk in i i mean it's like it's you know so you know so funny bill i ordered my first drink in a year because i haven't i haven't been out it's like i haven't ordered a drink wow and i and we were in we were at that hotel and we got the socially distant outdoor on the beach uh seating to have dinner moving out. My whole family went on as a, as for dinner. And the lady said, can I, what can I get you to drink? And I went, Oh my God, I have a drink that I don't normally drink, but I haven't, I haven't had it barely at all this whole time because I haven't ordered it. And I go double Tito's double Tito's and soda, big glass, no lime. And then I was like, I haven't said that in a year

i haven't said that and i i said it every fucking night i mean it was like your face is all cleared up so you're looking yeah i remember one time uh when back when i was drinking there was somebody uh there was somebody on the plane male stewardess whatever the what are you calling stewart flight attendant right he knew who i was and i was drinking and he just kept bringing him he kept bringing him dude i was the mo i was so hammered i was so hammered by the time i got to lax i went home with a passenger. Like, he drove me home. He's like, do you need an Uber? I'm like, I was going to get it.

You want me to give you a ride? I was like, yeah, fuck it. And I got in the car, and I didn't realize my wife was driving to LAX. And I got home as she got to LAX or something like that. She was like, where are you? And I was like, oh, sorry. Dude, she was, it was the maddest i think i ever made her i mean someone drove all the way the fuck down there and i well it couldn't have

been like she couldn't have got there when i came with the plane came a little early that's all i remember she was going to the airport and might have been burbank dude i was that level hammer i know it was it was lax i remember that because i been Burbank, dude. I was that level hammered. No, it was LAX. I remember that because I got down to baggage claim, and I was getting the bed spins just looking at the carousel. Dude, it was bad. It was bad. All right, we got to wrap this up here.

We got to wrap it up here. All right, this has been another wonderful episode of The Bill. Burt Podcast.