The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 54 w. Doug Stanhope - PART ONE

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

Bill and Bert prattle with Doug Stanhope about drinking, day drinking, and airport drinking. produced by Andrew Themeles & All Things Comedy. 

all right hey what's going on everybody and welcome it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill bert pod yeah what's going what's going on bert how are you so happy to have the number one requested guest on the show today. Ladies and gentlemen, our friend Doug Stanhope. I've been right here waiting the whole time. And I was the one that put in most of those requests. Come on. False accounts. Doug, I heard you talk on Joe about, on Joe's podcast, which I loved, by the way, I should tell you, you talked about not talking to some people for so long that it's awkward talking to people again.

to see your first interactions with people like in an airport when they're like oh bill burr and they start closing the distance and you're like god get the away bro bro get the away wait you talking to me or him both of you i witnessed doug's first interaction with an outdoor human and it was joe rogan and it was it was awesome What have you been doing? I mean, you've been pretty much quarantining before the quarantine, living in Arizona out there. What have you been? That's it. That was that road trip to Austin was my first foray out into the real world.

And, yeah, I've just been hanging out, watching sports on the patio. I can't imagine how loud the outside world must be if you're just like, you know, I'm really envious of the peace and quiet that you have out there. When I hit El Paso traffic, it was the first time I'd seen traffic in over a year. And I was like the fucking little old lady from Pasadena. And I'm like, I'm getting behind the slowest truck in the right hand lane. So I have an excuse to go 10 under the speed limit. It's fucking terrifying. What have you been like?

I don't know. I haven't talked to you in like i can't remember last time i even saw you i feel like this is like when jesus died where it became bc and ad like with like the pandemic it's just there's like certain people like bert i've seen him like at least on zoom and um but there was other people other people's like they fucking died it was like they died for a year yeah i i kind of feel like that like just the idea of booking dates i think the last time i saw you was it uh in london uh i don't even remember that. I saw you in, oh, no. Yeah. That was the last time? Unless, or it was when I did your podcast

after I was fucking strung out after a fucking Manson debacle. Yeah, I think that might have been it. That thing in London was a long time ago. I have to ask as far as like, you know, left to your own devices because i i think uh i can't tell you how much i didn't miss going to lax i missed the shows i miss riffing in front of crowds i always like that aspect of it but the travel like i i really figured out i kind of

learned how people stop doing stand-up is you just stop doing it. And then all of a sudden it takes about four months. And then 25, 30 years of just thinking about bits, it just goes away. Yeah. And you just start driving. You'll see something. You're like, oh, that's amusing. And it's no longer like, let me connect this with this.

And I'm going to try that tonight at the store i kind of like was like yeah i think i could maybe just sell everything live in the middle of nowhere and have an old pickup truck and have people whisper when i went by he used to be in that that that pedophile ring out there in hollywood before he moved out here. What did you do? Like, did you drink more? Did you drink less? Did anything change? Well, I just started drinking earlier and going to bed. I'd be up at like four in the morning sometimes and starting my day because happy hours started.

Like, all right, it's two o'clock in the afternoon. I have nothing to do. Like, you guys have kids so you're kind of fucked how many kids do you have now bill i have two and thank god i did because my liver would be face down in a puddle of fucking alky sweat right now dude if i if i fucking didn't have a wife and family and all of a sudden all of this work that i had just got cleared out of there and i had the you know i got dude i got the 27 yankees as far as like that lineup of booze bourbon and all of that shit that's been staring at me because i haven't drank in a couple years

pappy van winkles all that i would have i would have burned You haven't drank in a couple of years? Yeah, isn't that crazy? Yeah, 2018 I stopped. End of 2018. And now I took mushrooms for the first time in February, and it made me realize all this shit I needed to face about myself, and then that's why I fucking abused alcohol. So now I'm just stone fucking sober. I don't even smoke cigars. I'm not saying I'm done with all of it.

I got to figure out all of this shit that made me want to, Hey, look at me. I'm a comedian. Oh, I can fly a helicopter. Look at me. Do you like me? All of that shit came up. It's like, Oh yeah, I still fucking hate myself. And I'm terrified to do them for that reason. Like I just, I'll stare at them in the freezer and go i gotta fucking do some mental laundry here eventually i i'm just i just you're not gonna rip your eyeballs out like a fucking student film it's just sort of like it's it's i i think it kind of it settles you into the real you oh i know a part of you that you didn't know you know that was just drifting right here i'm aware i i'm i used to be a regular tripper and over the years as you fucking age and you start storing so much baggage in the back of your skull and you eventually i want to trip again but

all that shit's gonna it's like when you puke when you first eat mushrooms. But it's the mental puke that I would have to do after that. Yeah, just dealing with... I'm just picturing storage wars. Like they cut that lock and then they open it up and then like 30 years of shit just comes spilling out. Anything valuable in there? Father Cack? Yeah. 30 years of shit just comes spilling out anything valuable in there father cack do you have like tour dates and stuff because for those of you who are i don't know lived under a

rock doug stanhope is basically the best fucking comedian you're ever gonna see that's still alive as he smokes another fucking cigarette this fucking guy on just a whole other level dude like you know there's a lot of people putting on the rebel jacket and acting like they're fucking against the system i mean you move you fucking you've really just been that guy the the first time i saw you i saw you when you had the long hair i saw you at the laugh factory and it was just like and everybody was going up doing their give me a deal set i gotta you know here's my 20 minutes set about my wacky family so i can get on must see tv right and you went up there and it was just like you just made all of us look like fucking cowards.

And it was just this 20 minutes of shit. I was like, who the fuck is this guy? I thought I was funny. And then I found out about you. And then a little bit later, I found out about Hedberg. I was just like, oh, that's where the bar is. Okay. I just went down a Hedberg rabbit hole the other day.

Every year or two, you just fucking go down a Hedberg YouTube. It fucking still holds up. Do you know what's the most amazing thing about that guy? He did a Letterman set one time where he did a joke or he called back to a joke he did in a previous Letterman set and just let it lay there just to see if anybody got it i mean to have the balls to do that on uh and he didn't miss the fact that it was a callback from a previous one what's that he didn't

even address the fact no callback he did it like he was doing a set and they hit pause for a year and then he just continued with the next like chunk that's pretty sure i wonder if they approve shit like that because i've heard like letterman you know they'd go over every single prepositional phrase that you were going to say or if he just said fuck it and it well it wasn't um letterman i don't think that made him do it was the fear of letterman like what you found out when you did that show was that in a lot of ways the booker was under more pressure than you were if you went out there and ate your dick that was it you weren't coming back and then you could pick up the pieces and go do a friday night video so you could get the momentum going again you know some but like that guy who booked you it was his responsibility so if you bombed like he had to face um letterman how i used to handle

the stress of it a lot of ways i would be doing doing it for Eddie, Eddie Brill, who was booking. It's like, I don't want to get Eddie in trouble. And it would take the pressure off of me and put me more in my comfort zone of, Hey, let me do something for you. You know, I got the Catholic guilt. I can't shut up. When I did my first, cause I, I, I, I follow rules way too much, as much as you might call me a rebel. When I did my first Comedy Central, my only Comedy Central half hour, they like nixed everything.

And I was doing like, I was trying to do my same material, but without saying, I'm doing poo poo caca instead of shit and fuck. And then, cause that's what they told me I had to do, and it sucked. And then Louie was on the same filming,

and he went up and just fucking cursed. And I go, they let you do that? And he goes, no, fuck them. You just do it, and they'll bleep it out. They spent all this money to film you. They're not going to fucking leave you on the editing. I'm like, wow, I wish or i filmed it i know isn't that the worst that's the fucking word dude i i had that feeling so many like i i definitely

burt you must have gone through those things where you just remember when you were just like they like blue shirts i'm wearing blue shirts this week bro bro i sat before my premium blend with pat buckles and a table full of comics and she read my act to me to make sure that we could clear it and it was so not funny she was like all right so let me okay so you go out and you go hi my name's bert bert bert bert what are you thinking hot sexy name porn star wait and then bert bert bert you go bert bert bert and i'm like well it's funnier the way i say it she goes didn't you do it to me i was like i don't think it's gonna work pat she goes okay uh where the black chick's at you say where the black chick's at i'm like

oh yeah i do but she just went through my fucking transcripts and i listened to my set right before i went on stage and i was like this is going to fucking bomb and then and then went out and did it it was fine but I have to be honest with you it wasn't as good as Tig Notaro's Tig Notaro murdered not in the room in the room she bombed murdered on television I killed in the room and then bombed on television there's no rhyme or reason to those fucking things no no those comedy center ones they used to just drag tourists in after by the time i got one they just no one wanted to go so they would just get fucking people from like hong kong and shit that they found in uh

fucking time square you want to go to that tv show tv american tv show they fucking bring them in there and there'd'd be this giant table of Chinese people just sitting there like, what the fuck is it? And they were polite and they were smiling. But they had no idea what you were saying. And the comics would start shitting on them. And you want to be like, it's not their fault. It's polite.

They should have said no. They're on their best behavior. With that half hour special, because they have the fucking warm-up guy fluffing everyone. And so you walk out to this fucking giant round of applause. Oh, that's Michael Biehn. I was going to ask you about him. Remind me.

But you get this fucking thunderous round of applause from all these people and I said, sounds like all my fans are here tonight. Woo! And I go, okay, what's my name? 1,500 people dead fucking silent. They cut it out.

They cut right from sounds like all my fans are here to the most awkward edit into my first joke. Do you know who our warm-up guy was? Tig went out first. I went out second. Our warm-up guy.

Our warm-up guy was Fluffy. He was murdering so hard. I mean, destroying. Destroying. That we were like, who the fuck's going to follow this guy? And they're like, Tig? And Tig just walked out like, hi, how's everyone doing?

Oh, it was fucking brutal. Just readjusted all their energy. I had a guy one time warming up for me for one of my specials, and he did one of my bits. Not a bit I was going to do in this special, and he did one of my bits not a bit i was gonna do in this special but he lifted one of my bits i never said anything to him because it was a shit joke it was literally a joke about diarrhea and he did it in front of my right before i went out there and uh my rep at the time's going like dude what the

fuck i was like it's a diarrhea joke i don't give a shit and then i just went out there i just wrote a shit joke in my notebook going oh that's a that's a vaguely admirable tweet but i have no idea how to do comedy anymore and i'm gonna have have to go back on the road. So I'm writing everything in a notebook. Fuck Twitter. I put everything in my phone. I'll write it down and then I'll go, we'll figure that out when we get on stage. Today my joke was

I'm tired of Google looking at the news and reading the one that says for you from Google. I don't want to know the news that the internet thinks i deserve to get because all the fucking news i get is like uh uh hasan minaj canceled uh it's all like shit that gives me anxiety and then i'm like fuck it i want to read real news so today i read the real news the real news is boring as fuck it's none of the shit i've

ever heard of. Yeah, it's kind of funny, too, when they send that to you because you kind of brought it on yourself because it's based off your own search. Yeah, they're like, fucking Meghan Markle's nude picture is leaked. And I'm like, okay, I've been Googling that for a while. I did a month at the beginning of COVID where I watched absolutely no news, including, like, I don't even, I don't

even want to hear the local gossip. This was brilliant. Hold on. Let me, let me set this up. This was brilliant. This was brilliant. Doug did a time machine deep dive. Is this what, what didn't I call you during that? And you were like, Brady got traded. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. After a month, it was the month of april where really nothing happened the only difference was that when i came back in you know in may and and found out really nothing happened john prine died or some shit i don't know and that was it uh it was such a great social experiment because it really gave you that, that Brendan Fraser movie type vibe where he goes in the, in the bunker underground and then comes out 12 years

later. And it was, and it was like right at the beginning of the pandemic. So I remember thinking when you started going, shit, man, he's going to come out a month later and the news will be hundreds of millions of people have died from the pandemic. And it was like, numbers are still okay. Brady got traded. Gronk's back in football. That's it.

How did you go about doing that, by the way? Like, you just shut your phone off, unplugged your – Yeah, no Twitter, nothing. Just sat around and fucking – I mean, this was the first year i've i've been in the same bed since as a teenager so like i've owned this house for almost 16 years and i don't know where my shit is you just come home and you dump your shit and you do your laundry and you pay your bills but then i was you know sharpening knives and fucking organizing my Tupperware. It felt good. I was a fucking domestic artist.

I bet that was a problem. The only difference between when I started and when I came back to Twitter was everyone's attitude. Everyone felt like it was a blizzard and we're all stuck in this together. And it was kind of a, a communal like, Hey,

isn't this cool? We're all stuck at home. And then when I came back, everyone fucking hated everybody. That hasn't changed. That's just gotten worse. Yeah, that is crazy.

I'm curious what, what your insulated group was like, not, and I mean, this in a romantic way, like for Bill. I'm curious what your insulated group was. And I mean this in a romantic way. Like for Bill and I, it was maybe like a mother-in-law, kids, wife. That was it. For me, it wasn't even my sisters. It was just me and my daughter's Leanne. That was it.

And a puppy. But I'm curious in a romantic way, like who bunkered in with you and was like, all right, like pandemics kick in and we're going to the compound. Well, most of my friends here are loners. So I did have people to hang out with. I wasn't sitting here all by myself. You know, Chad Shank, he doesn't ever fucking leave the house because he'll murder someone. Like, almost everyone I know is sitting at home alone. So once I, you know, but I had come from every fucking hot spot on the road.

Like, my last shows were in Seattle and Baltimore. And then I got to Boston. That got canceled the day, you know, as I'm landing. Then I had to fly to San Francisco. That the day as I'm landing. Then I had to fly to San Francisco. That got canceled as I'm landing. So no one would come near me because I had just been in every fucking dirty fucking. I had a layover in Hunan. Yeah, exactly.

But after two weeks, then we're just hanging out on the patio. I remember when baseball started. It was like, okay, now we have – I don't like baseball, but, I mean, we always have sports on here for the awkward silence where you have nothing to say. You can stare at the game. So, yeah, it was one of my favorite years I've been alive as an adult. It was an interesting year in that I got to spend time with my girls.

I got to spend time with my wife. And now I don't feel guilty disappearing for the rest of their lives and going, like, I'm going back to work. Well, you both, I don't know Bill's kids, but you both have incredible, both of your wives are cool as fuck. So, you know, it wasn't like, you know, you're not getting stabby like the shining after a month you get. And your fucking kids are like about the only kids I can tolerate.

Bill had a brand new one in the pandemic. Yeah. I had a baby boy. Yeah. You didn't make one in the pandemic. Yeah. I had a baby boy. Yeah. You didn't make it in the pandemic. You had it in the pandemic. No, we made it. Really?

I went down a rabbit hole on the internet, and I figured out how to make a baby without my wife. A lot of jerking off, Tupperware no um we she was already pregnant and then that happened so that was yeah that was kind of scary I was like oh great we're gonna go to ground zero of all of this stuff that's going on but it was actually was safer because they had an entirely separate entrance for pregnant women so it was actually better than the first time as far as like possibly running into somebody that had something so it wasn't that bad it was is it's been like a cool thing that that I've I've been home for every single day of my son's life except for eight days when

I did a run through Texas um and he's almost a year old that's pretty cool so that's all you've done for stand-up is that uh no no no no i've been doing dude i am a i am a parking lot veteran like the way i thought i used to be comfortable with silence before this pandemic now i got I got it down. Dude, I did this thing for the comedy store. There was like 700 cars, this grassy area outside the Rose Bowl, 750 fucking cars. You couldn't hear anybody. It was a few people that had pickup trucks

and they were sitting in the back. So that was what you were sort of feeding off of. But when they didn't laugh, dude, I was joking on my podcast. I felt like I was in a, like the lights are on you. I felt like I was in a – like the lights are on you. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie like pleading for my life. But I couldn't tell how it was going.

It's like, is this going good? Is this going bad? And then I found afterwards a buddy of mine is walking around and said, none of the people were dying laughing in the cars. It was going great. And I was like, all right. But like – Like where they're honking their horns as a no no no never let them honk never let them honk that's a fucking rookie mistake

right there never let them honk honking is for the same comics that need applause when they tell a joke you know you let them honking is so last may doug dude i had reels i had strict rules about no honkers because i I like it. What it is is lean into the silence, allow your know that they're laughing. And I'm telling you when I say this bill, when you get back indoors, that joke where you thought like you'd hear a little smattering, a laugh, it's like fucking swimming with overalls on. You were going to hear thunderous laugh and go, it's going to be like a shock

going like holy shit that joke really works it is dude those parking lot shows i think they were the best thing i've ever done for my stand-up because you really when you bill said it perfectly that silence is like once you get comfortable with it you're like i know it works i'll figure it out what i don't know i don't know if you work the uk much i know bill does but in the uk every time i go back over there to tour i have to remind myself listen they're not going to be going they sit there like they're watching fucking theater politely and you have to re-acclimate in the uk to the fact that they're not fucking drunken yahoos fucking screaming out well it depends

on where you go out there i was about to say liverpool and manchester those guys get after it yeah manchester manchester's crazy flasco yeah they fucking they like you but you know what it is over there there's a professional level drinking. Like, it's kind of like the crowd drinks like comedians where they can kind of handle it. It's not like, you don't, you know, I, I hate shitting on America. I don't like going, oh, Europe. Oh, those, that's where the good white people are. It's like, I will say though, over here, it's like, you can definitely run into the person that needs to be like, I don't know, needs medical help.

I remember I went to New Orleans. What the hell was I doing? I think I was just doing a showdown. My wife was there. We were down on Bourbon Street during the day. We were having a great time. This afternoon band was playing, and I had a good buzz going. I was dancing with my wife, and she was, like, really excited.

I was being, like, go romantic and shit. And then we sit down. We're eating some food. We're looking out on Bourbon Street, and this chick comes down the street with two other guys, like, middle-aged, like our generation. Hair metal, probably maybe a tribal tattoo that's all expanded with their fucking granny arms now. arms now starts puking like broad daylight i mean i'm talking like two in the morning drunk at two in the afternoon just a big lake of puke and then loses her balance

slips in her own puke and landed ass first in it and they were trying to help her up, and it was just, it was a shit show, my wife almost puked, it was so bad, and I was like fucking crying laughing, now I've never seen that, other than here, I hate to say, I've seen some fucking ridiculous level drinking,

out there, but it's like Jackie Gleason, in what is that movie with Paul Newman, The Hustler, where it's like jackie gleason in in uh in what is that movie with paul newman the hustler where he's like okay it's all fresh during the day they're all fucking proper and polite and as soon as they fucking especially weekends they're you know it's like the 1950s over there with their fucking nine to five monday through friday and then the you know weekends it's yeah it's they're spewing vomit everywhere like every weekend is mardi gras and fist fights dude i watched a uh i watched the documentary on this this english guy trying to cut back on his

drinking i think i saw that yeah and like the level of drinking that they do over there i had like crazy level respect for. I was like, because they were dealing with that bullshit that you hear like, you know, three or four drinks a week. Do you do more than that? You're like, do that an hour. What are you fucking talking about? I was sitting there like, I just feel like going out and drinking is so much more a part of certain cultures. When this guy was in England, I was so fucking envious with how acceptable it was to just go out, have a couple of points, which of course means to go out and just get fucking banged up on Thursday

because you're watching a game. Dude, I'm not gonna lie to me I'm like I fucking miss drinking like you can't believe I don't miss the baggage of it the weight the booze the apologizing yeah the the what did I tweet last night oh yeah yeah I don't miss any of that shit, but the social aspect of it. When you get fucking stone sober, there's nothing you can do with another human being other than play tennis or go have a fucking dinner with them. The options get pretty fucking... Yeah, yeah.

I'll say it. It's sad your tolerance for people that i can hang around with him if i'm drinking and now now i'm not and they're still coming around i'm like i have nothing to say to you if i don't have three or four cocktails i have fucking zero social skills unless like there's a handful of people in my life that I can be around sober and I'm afraid to go back because I know I'd probably go after it really hard because I've really missed day drinking because I always felt day drinking was the the ultimate like flaunting in people's face that I have a great job.

Yeah. That like I can, what's it, Tuesday? I can start drinking right now if I fucking want to. And I got enough time to sleep most of this off before I go off and go to the stage. And it took me a while to realize that there's a danger to that. But I really miss day drinking in a dive bar i used to love walking into a dive bar where they didn't know me and everybody's looking at me like look at this yahoo and then they see me keep to myself and know what my

drink is and then you occasionally get that side glance of approval. Like, good. Hotel bar day drinking. You check into a decent hotel that knows how to make a proper cocktail. And just, you know, drinking while all these assholes are going to conferences and stuff. And you're basically the only person in the hotel bar having a proper whiskey sour with egg whites. Yeah, that's there. There were towns. Chattanooga had one of the best day drinking dive bars and it was attached to like a days in. So you're staying in a fucking two star motel that has a 24 hour diner next to it and a smoking bar. It was it's called the officeounge in Chattanooga.

And every time I played there, I'm like, yeah, this show is going to be fucking recklessly drunk because I am not passing up the opportunity to just sit here and get shit-faced with some country like country hot bartender like way too much cleavage and way too much belly spilling over the jeans but cool as fuck and uh you know just chain smoking cigarettes and talking to the fucking three locals that are slumped just like you see horse posture over the bar. There you go. Pulling up the picture right now. What's that? That's one of my favorite underrated cities. Chattanooga? Chattanooga, Milwaukee.

There's a lot of fun to be had in cities like that that aren't the city that everybody goes to. It's got that same kind of UK feel. All right. Hey, Bert, guess what? What? It's ExpressVPN. Ooh.

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Mardi Gras. It's, you know, 3.30 in the afternoon or whatever when the game's over, and it's just a sea of fucking walking dead drunkards. And they're beer drunks. You know, they're nice people that's amazing dude i went to county stadium before they had miller park like third game of the year and i sat in the upper deck i was so excited to be there because i love that 82 brewers team that had uh storm and gorman thomas ben oglevy robin young all of those guys And how they used to have like when they'd hit a home run,

some big-titted blonde chick would slide down a slide into like a barrel of beer. It was supposed to be beer, but it was water. Like you could never do that now. No. I sat in the upper deck, dude, freezing my ass off. It was like fucking like, you know, it was like 35, 40 degree, probably 30s. I just remember I was underdressed and i was in the upper deck and uh there was a bunch of you know diehards there was a day game i used to be uh with

this college agent uh bass schuler back in the day and i and i would knock out all the parks i would i would if he didn't book me for a nooner i would would go to a game during the day, and then I would do the show that night. So I was probably in like Rhinelander or the Upper Peninsula of Michigan that night, and I stopped off to just check out a game. And that was one of my favorite ballparks to go to, but it was fucking miserable because you're still on Lake Michigan, you feel. It's freezing your ass off. Dude, a baseball park day drinking does not get better,

especially when you have those drinks that are specifically made for morning or day drinking, like a michelada, where they go, oh, we set this up because this is the hair of the dog. It's going to have a little salt, a little soy sauce, some Clamato juice, some beer, a shot of tequila. That's for you. Start your day off strong. We started Sober October when I was day drinking at Coors Field in Colorado,

smoking weed and drinking, and the perfect day buzz. And Rogan just texts, do you think you could quit drinking? And this is a day drinking phrase. I just wrote back, easy peasy. Wow. Can I ask you a question? This is I just wrote back easy peasy. Wow. Can I ask you a question? Like, this is what I don't get about life is what you just described. It course field,

like life doesn't get better. You're never going to talk that moment. I don't care if you get a fucking Ferrari supermodel girlfriend, there is nothing better than day drinking, smoking a little fucking weed on a fucking tuesday before a goddamn baseball game it's just it's just like like if there is a heaven that has to be what it is that has to be it's got to be a there's got to be a lounge and you could just drink and there's no liver shit to worry about there's nobody you're letting down and you can just get fucked up and eat all that great ballpark food i've probably

spent more time thinking about my first day drink like a drink during the day than any other drink in the ever in period in my life where you go where you get to a football stadium or a baseball stadium or you are you pony up to a bar at a hotel and you go what should i have like that i wish i put that much thought that thought in that moment where you go whiskey is it early too early for whiskey i don't i want to get a beer but i don't want to i want to start strong you know what let's get a shot of tequila and a Corona with a lime in it, and let's start there. I love that. I used to do the same thing.

I used to do this. I'd walk up to the bar with Bersie, and I'd be like, look, Paul, they got all my friends here. And they'd be all this look, all these bourbons and all of this shit. Dude, I had a good day drinking one with – Just at home at my own bar. I'm like, how can I change this up? I don't really want to drink, but if I could come up with a new drink.

How about let's do a gin fizz? Oh. Let's do a gin fizz. We had a mimosa. One of my favorite day drunks of pandemic is I go, we're going to not just do mimosas. We're going to have a mimosa bar. And I went to the store and I found every weird kind of juice that you could put like tart cherry and banana juice in a mimosa. We have like 11 different juices, watermelon juice and float some blueberries

in it. And we, I mean, it's, it's a difficult drunk. Mimosa drunk is way too fucking sweet, but it was too funny to have a fucking dozen juices and then just giant fucking magnums of cooked champagne. If you can switch someone over who wasn't going to day drink with you

to day drinking, to legit committing, like if my wife, if I can get my wife, i go i go i don't know we should wouldn't you like like a signature cocktail and to watch her eyes go actually i would oh my god my heart skips a beat it's almost like kissing someone that you thought was out of your league in like eighth grade you're like shut up i'm making out with her in the bushes like it is the greatest feeling and then they're like let's get fucking bill you always i always think of you and nia in in fucking paris i think of that because honeymoon do we doug we had the best fucking time we didn't see anything we never made it we'd be like we're gonna go to the fucking

whatever whatever let's go look at the mona lisa like all right let's do it oh man look at that fucking cafe and you just whatever the fuck they call them, let's just sit down and watch people go by. And then we would get fucked up. And, you know, I was smoking cigars. And we would just sit there. We ended up finding this place where Ernest Hemingway allegedly, like, did most of his drinking.

Yeah. In the C. Sorry, Desmond mall the uh the maggot or something i don't know how to say it and there was a uh we would just sit there and just watch people go by and i would i would i would feel guilty i'd go shouldn't we be going into the uh what's the big museum there the new no the the lube shouldn't we be going in there we finally went in there and we just made a beeline well i almost said martha stewart to the mona lisa it's good to show you i shouldn't be in there right and we got there and there was a whole crowd of people it looked like it was as big as a postage stamp i understand it's a masterpiece masterpiece, but I'm just a moron. And I, you know, I did a couple of these

and I was like, you want to get out of here? She's like, yeah, yeah, we can go through this. We'll have kids someday and we'll torture them, dragging them. I've been there, I think, three times and I only went in there once. I went in, I looked at the Mona Lisa, and I fucking left. Then I immediately went to go try to find... Do they call them cafes? I feel like that's the wrong word. I don't know. I've never been to France. We would just sit on the street and just get fucking...

I would just get annihilated. Ringo and I went to Cape Town, South Africa, and really had no interest in seeing anything. And when you drive around, it's all kind of creepy feeling. Like everything's like all the white people are walled off with fucking concertina wire around the fucking gated community. So just felt creepy. And I go, wait, we got a cool bartender.

We have a cool hotel and a pool I think we were there for a week and never left yeah plus you don't you don't want to catch the beat down for the white farmer that pissed everybody off over there that's what sucks about Hawaii and Hawaii is my favorite place in the world but you feel so guilty day drinking there because there's so many activities you can do during the day that you need a place that's why key west might be the best day drinking place because they have their beaches suck but they're just there for the bars and the homosexuality yeah uh uh arnold in hon and what uh honolulu arnold's tikiiki Bar. Have you found it? I went there, Doug.

I went there because you went there. I went there by myself because you went there. By the way, that usually doesn't work out, historically speaking. I'm going to this place because Doug Stanhope said you should go there. He got on a plane. Tell him the story. You got on a plane and flew to meet Roseanne there, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I had to fucking explain to her how to get an Uber. Well, I don't get it. She's like, well, just get a cab. Well, Google searched the number for a cab. It took her like an hour and a half to figure out how to get fucking three miles to this bar. And then, yeah, then we got shit-faced and went skinny dipping

in our underwear in the ocean. That was before she went completely tits up, queuing on. Oh, by the way, did you see that fucking documentary? The series? Queue Under the Storm on HBO? Of course I'm watching that.

I, I gotta tell you, man, if you're looking, if you have questions, Q's got the answers. Have you not finished it? I haven't finished it.

I'm just watching the, I've only seen like two episodes, three episodes. It's about QAnon. It talks to you all about QAnon, 4chan, 8chan, uh,

all those different things. And it shows you kind of, it kind of tries to figure out who Q is, right, Doug? It ends pretty strong. I won't spoil or alert. I just literally heard about QAnon

like a week ago. Yeah. It was like the conspiracy theories that would make those guys with the buffalo heads go in that building in Washington, whatever the fuck. Yeah, they're the people that think that all of Hollywood is eating babies and drinking their blood for adrenochrome. Well, that's how you keep looking as good as I do.

Dude, I got on a Zoom call today with somebody who was 27, one of the people that was 27 years old, and I'm literally looking at her and then i'm looking at my face going god damn what the fuck happened was i half the meeting was me just sitting there looking at how fucking old i was i wasn't even listening to him so i took my fucking reading glasses off so i don't see my face everyone's blurry we're perfect but i get an email from you in fact it was i think it was with Chrysler where we were just looking up. Yeah, it was a Zoom call that we did with you,

and we were just looking up old text messages and emails from our friends, and I found one from Bill from probably 2004 or something, and you had emailed me randomly because I was all into the conspiracy shit and fucking 9-11. Oh, the Behold the Pale Horse you told me to read. Probably. Like I was wicked into all that stuff. And you were saying you were losing your mind.

Like you were just like getting into all this conspiracy shit. And like, how do you fucking handle this? all this conspiracy shit and like how do you fucking handle this is this true like what do you think oh yeah that was me for like the rest of the decade i was really difficult to be around for about four or five years i'm lucky that that happened to me then or i would have been right next to that buffalo headed guy exactly that's what i was thinking this would be a conspiracy i would fucking dig my teeth into like fucking spare ribs if i was like you know 33 again i would be a like an anti-masker and fuck the government and this is all that anti-mask thing is just is one of the

most amazing things i've ever seen in my life where they just like, it's like there's a reason doctors and nurses wear them. And they were able to work on people with tuberculosis and these people who aren't doctors. Because I don't get how a mask, I don't get it. I just know that they're smarter than me and they're telling me to do it. You know, it's funny. My daughter came home and had a cold. So we had to make sure it wasn't COVID. and because we all had mass we just wore masks because

she had the colds the first time ever a cold hasn't burned through the house it's like it works it works yeah this it has nothing to do with with liberals this has nothing to do with casinos casinos conservatives can see them conservatives martha stewart martha stewart yeah i'm a mess all your fans are going to be sending you martha stewart's head on the mona lisa pictures now we're going to be tweeting the out of you yeah just the the pro it's i'm telling you it's the internet and it's 24-hour news networks yeah like well you watch how espn once they got greedy and they went from one channel to two to three to espn college that's when it started getting loud and crazy and they kind of got away from it also they had all this ridiculous comments

comp uh competition with like streaming and everything that i think the formula just became just be loud and doomsday and shock and stupid, stupid shit. And then like stuff that really matters. It just like it just slides under. Yeah. No, it's it's it's. There's so many things like I won't talk about on stage like just because i don't want to give it fire even though everyone you know yeah no i know what you

mean you got to kind of that's why like you know that shit where where where dum-dum was going fucking the china virus now there's nothing wrong i get it it came from there but there's too many idiots in the world that if you say that now you feel like a year fucking later like all of a sudden all these agents are getting attacked and it's just like that's why you don't do that shit that's why you have to have a fucking certain level of responsibility like you know i mean like fucking trump kind of like made our style of comedy so fucking difficult to do because he was an asshole and making it unfunny to like if he did his speeches in a comedy club he would have killed they would hollywood would have tried to build the fucking show wait they did build a show around him.

It's just, I don't know. That guy was- He didn't have the out of, I'm just kidding. So when we're just kidding, now you sound like Trump. But this is funny. I'm not saying it like he did. So yeah, it makes you rework a lot of things. Yeah, I also can't dictate the foreign policy and pick up a red phone and

change everybody's fucking life i'm in a strip mall clearly fucking around clearly fucking around it's another thing too but you can be in a strip mall and say some mean shit and fucking mean it and can cause damage too i'm not i'm not exonerating that either because there's been times where i've been in a fucking bad mood and i have said some shit made somebody cry in the crowd uh because of whatever they were going through and i apologize i mean it's not like it's not i'm not saying comedians are fucking free of that but like i i did find it hilarious that comedians were held to uh uh something like they were the president and then the president wasn't yeah like he said shit every fucking day that if i said it my stand-up career would be fucking over

that guy but now we got this new guy in there and it's just like this guy's even fucking scarier he's he's saying the same shit george bush said they got weapons of mass destruction it's like you did that 20 years ago and they didn't find anything now we're bankrupt you can at least come up with something new dude i'll tell you the best thing ever i saw i saw the other day a fucking tesla raced against like an alfa romeo or something this really super fast italian car it's the fucking fucking SUV fucking soccer mom one. Not only does it beat it, as you see as it goes past,

it's pulling a trailer with an Alfa Romeo on it. No. Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you, my wife has a Tesla. We got the dual motors. It's like motorcycle fast. You feel like the front end is going to pop up and it doesn't make a sound.

And it doesn't put any money in what we're fighting's pocket. It literally is the solution, but the problem is the fucking goat-headed people that got their fucking hooves in whoever's in office. Sorry. See, I'm going back to 2004 here. That's why I never do... I don't do

drop-in sets. I only play to my audience that's paid a fucking healthy ticket price that knows what they're in for. I don't... If I go to the... It's to see a tell after he did his set.

I want to see your set. No, I don't want to go on stage and have some fucking asshole blogging about what I said. Yeah, I played a mile. You know what the worst is? I don't even want to feed this fucking thing in anymore. We're coming back. There's going to be tours. I think I just don't think it think it I don't think any of that

that I think I think they ran out of people to go after like seriously bad people and then they because now they're just like if you have like an analogy they don't agree with a analogy can make you lose your career so I think at that that point, it's like, all right, I think you guys did a lot of spring cleaning. Definitely needed to happen, but you get a little anal now. I'd say- I Google News searched you right before we went on. You're cleaning inside the fucking light bulb at this point? What are we doing?

Yeah, I Google News searched you right before we went on. I found some fucking non-event that someone wrote about because they found one person on Twitter who said something and then your wife responded I'm like a love but yeah I know don't bring that event exactly exactly it's a non-event and it is treated as such and you ignore it and it goes away it just it It just dies of its own fucking weight. I got another good day drinking one. Oh, go, go, yeah, yeah.

Speaking of Hawaii, I don't know if I ever told this on this podcast. I fucking, for whatever reason. You tell them why I make a day drink. All right. Are you still on the coffee and the Baileys? I'm going to switch to some whiskey Coke. God, I'm gonna switch to some uh a whiskey coke god I'm jealous dude I love your house by the way I know his oh you gotta Bill if you fall off the wagon that's a great place to fall off I don't know mushrooms too that's my that is one of my uh that is one of

my favorite trips I ever took Leanne said to me I'm on the road for like a week and a half, and I'm coming in hot. And she goes, you know what I think? I think you need to stop by Stanhope's. I said, what? She goes, fly into Tucson, have Greg pick you up at the airport, take you down to Stanhope's for a day, burn it off. Just burn it off.

And so I went. Jesus, did you marry the right oh i forgot this is the this is the the fateful fucking trip your drive go ahead but the drive back to the airport oh no that was another one doug that was another one i had two trips because it was so successful the first time that leanne was like that worked worked perfectly. I landed, I was grounded. I was a dad. I was there. And she goes, you know what? You got to do that from time to time. You don't see your friends. You're on the road. You're talking to strangers. You need to connect with comics. And, and she gets really, she was getting territorial of me going out and being at

the store all night and then not being a dad. She was just one day right on your, on your flight at home. If you, if you're doing a Saturday show, that's Sunday. Fly into Tucson, hit up Stan Hope. So I go, brilliant, brilliant. I have another one, and I go, babe, I think I'm going to stop by Stan Hope's. You know, I just got Thursday, Friday. I'm going to spend Saturday, Sunday, fly back into L.A. on Monday. She goes, I think two days might be a little bit much.

I go, I'm going to be fine. Oh, no. We drink that night, wake up the next morning to champagne, right? And I'm like, this can't. And Doug goes, I got another house. It's got a pool. You guys want to go swimming? We all get naked.

We get in the pool. We're day drinking there. We lead into the night. I end up getting so drunk. I call it a night. We have like a 7 a.m. flight. I end up getting so drunk. I call it a night. We have like a 7am flight. I, I, I put the booze back. I get in the, I wake up the next morning and I am rough. I am really rough, really rough. And Doug sees I'm rough. He goes, I think you need a smoothie.

We're driving to the airport. I go, great. We get to drink the smoothie. I am not talking on the ride home. I am like stomach hurting. I don't feel good. I drank way too much. Get to the airport, get a cocktail, go to the bathroom and realize I've been shitting blood. And I'm like, Oh my God, this is the end of the line for the B man. And I got a white look on my face. I come out to the bar, Doug's drinking a vodka soda. He's got another one fresh for me, hands it to me. And I go, I think I'm shitting blood. Doug giggles, takes a sip of the drink and he goes either that or someone put some beats in your smoothie oh my god oh my god and then by the way the one before that doug well the one before

that is when bingo ran away yeah that was the first one the first one the first one bill the first one i come in i party all night they're like we're gonna get you up get you to the airport at 5 a.m and i go great so i get up at 5 a.m and bingo's dressing like camouflage got the keys and she's like come on let's go i'm taking you and i said well i want to say goodbye to everyone she goes don't wake anyone up and i was like okay she's like i already packed your bags are in the car and I was like uh all right so I get in the car and she is not talking she's like kind of like nervous and I go is everything okay she goes uh you can't tell anyone this and I said tell anyone what she goes I'm running away and I went I'm in my head I'm like you're a grown-up like like grownups don't run away.

Grownups break up with people. I go, where are you going? She goes, we were kind of in the middle of a breakup thing. It was weird. Yeah. They had gone on the Joker's cruise.

Things had gotten crazy on it. She was like, and then we just talked and she kind of spilled her guts about life and what was going on. And I don't have a phone. I don't have any money. I don't have any money. I don't have, uh, I don't, I don't, I just, I'm going, I'm just going, I'm just going to go. I'm going to start driving. And then wherever I end up, I end up and I'm gonna let the universe take care of it. And

I'm like, bingo. I think this is a bad idea. She goes, you can't tell Doug, you can't tell anyone. So I, she takes me to the airport and I'm like, okay. I fucking leave like $100 in the thing for her. And then I get out, and I call Doug immediately. He's like, hey, where are you? You ready to go to the airport? And I go, I'm at the airport. And Bingo ran away. He was like, I knew she was going to run away.

And so it was the beginning of a fucking. She just packed a bunch of shit and left her cell phone at home. So we have no idea where fucking Bingo disappeared to. I had fucked a stripper on a cruise and got busted. She had been seeing some local musician behind my back. And it just got weird. She said, half jokingly, she had told Bert, yeah, maybe he could be the other guy, could be on Stan's podcast and they can decide who I should be with. So once we couldn't figure out where she was, then her phone starts ringing, and I see it's the other guy. So I answered it, and I go, let's just talk about it on a podcast.

So he came over, and we hung out and podcasted and put out APBs of a fucking 99 Chevy Tahoe that might be driving in any direction across the country. Jesus Christ, dude. And then the next day, we still haven't heard from her. So I go,

let's just keep doing the podcast every night about where's bingo. Like that missing Malaysian flight. We'll just keep doing podcasts. And after the second one, she called from new Orleans and I go, Oh, we found her. So yeah, it all worked out. Dude. If you put that New Orleans. And I'm like, oh, we found her. So, yeah, it all worked out.

Dude, if you put that in the script, they're like, yeah, it gets a little wacky there. Oh, boy, that was that whole year. That was the last book I wrote. No Encore for the Donkey. That was the beginning of 2016, which ended up with her in a fucking coma and me and you and rogan doing the end of the world and bert doing the fucking end of the world podcast for the trump election wasn't

that that was rogan's idea he just fucking knew something weird was gonna happen it was your idea oh okay yeah doug called doug called everyone and said i want to do an end of the world podcast me joe bill and you and i and i was like great i'm in my head i'm like i don't think i deserve wanting to be on that panel but okay and then then that day i called i called like two days before i called from new york and i was like hey man are we still on for this end of the world podcast and doug's like bingo fell it's her birthday she was partying she's in a coma we don't think she's gonna make it and i was like what and he's like i don't think i'm gonna make it to the podcast i think you guys are just gonna

do it so i called joe joe's like oh fuck he goes okay it'll just be me you and burr and i was like all right and he's like and we'll just tell anyone to stop in. And then day of the podcast, uh, fucking Doug calls and goes, Hey, I'm here. I'm at Johnny's house. I'm going to go to the store and just start drinking right now. I can't, I don't want to be around anyone. Can you just come drink with me? And then we'll just pre-party until this podcast and i was like yeah so i met you up marilyn manson was there um and and i remember i called manson

just because he was like the weirdest guy was in such a fucked head space like my wife's dying i came to la anyway because i don't see where i'm gonna do any good staring at her fucking half corpse in a hospital with her family. So I called Manson randomly and he answered the phone at like four in the afternoon, which is, you know, that's his sleeping time. And he says, I'll be right over with Krispy Kreme and cocaine. And he was there in less than like 20 minutes. I'm like, how did you even beat fucking la traffic to get here but yeah he brought crispy cream donuts and a boy with a satchel full of blow and like this is the most fucking surreal experience of my life it was crazy and uh

i really wish i told my hawaii day drinking story before those last two stories i'm just not seeing that uh that being a satisfying ending Thank you.