The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 55 w. Doug Stanhope PART TWO

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

no i want to hear the trilogy part a day drinking i can that would have been the godfather three part three fucking you know how you like to see every fucking stadium of every sport ever yes i would love to get a list of every comics favorite day drinking spot in towns that we play and try to hit every perfect day drinking bar i had so many like my best best fucking times ever with day drinking with another comic that you loved like uh joe bartnick one time we ended up we we somehow had tickets to a Dodgers playoff game that was an afternoon game and we went to this fucking this place out here in LA I don't even think it even exists anymore that just had killer wings and fucking booze uh and we went in there and we had Bloody Marys to start and we just had these shit-eating grins on our faces.

Like, he came in, I'm like, what's up, man? He goes, yeah, yeah. Just big hugs. Big, like, it was going to be Christmas. Got fucking, it was the whole thing, like, we're just going to have a couple. Because, you know, we got to go to the game. We fucking walked in that place,

like, the fucking fourth inning, annihilated. I remember it was against the Phillies, and Pedro Martinez was pitching. So technically I did see one of his final fucking games, but I don't really remember it. Dude, me and Verzi one time, we had a day off in fucking New Orleans and went to the casino on a football Sunday, put money on the game. Dude, I remember when I was in New Orleans with Verzi, I had heartburn for three straight days, the worst I ever had. And every time it would start to, the acid would start to get down to here, we'd go do something else stupid and it

would come back up. It was fucking brutal. And we went to a Monday night football game, Eagles versus the Saints. And on the Saturday, we had gone to LSU versus Alabama, all around doing like shows and eating fried food and getting fucking hammered every single night. And Sunday was the day off. And we went in there and there was a guy who was a little touched, you know. He had some mental issues. And he was just sort of sitting there fucking rocking. And he had a little touched you know he had some mental issues and he was just sort of

sitting there fucking rocking and he had like that you know some people they don't get the gifts of mental so they get the gifts of fucking strength he had this guy could have ripped a tree out of the fucking it was one of the scariest drunk people i know he wasn't even drunk i think it was at harris or something i don't know. I don't know. If I ever come back, though, if I ever come back, my first drink is going to be during the day. I'm just clearing the schedule. Give me a runway because we're firing this baby back up again.

You should plan that, Bill. You should plan that. You should plan that, Bill. You should plan that. You should give yourself one day. I know you missed that part of me, but I got kids now, man. I don't know how to fucking. I got two of them. They're fine. No, I'm doing really good.

I taught my daughter how to ride a bike. I taught her how to whistle. I'm fucking crushing it. I'm teaching her how to whistle. How great is that? Because those are big things when you're a kid yeah whistle can you whistle if you can't whistle then all of a sudden it's on you i can't whistle i can't whistle my day's gonna sell like that's all it took when i was a kid can you skip a rock huh can you skip a ride that's all it took i taught isla how to ride a bike i

taught georgia how to ride a bike and what i did is i took the wheels of the pedals off so that you couldn't and then i just taught them how to kind of just balance down a hill a slight hill and and then i put the pedals on and then go okay now just get yourself going with the pedals and that's how i taught georgia georgia's was perfect those are overfax. I think it's, I think it's a park right by our house and it's a slight downhill to a slight uphill. So it was just perfect. She just went down and then slowed down. It was perfect. So Isla, I teach Isla, I mean, out of a fucking movie and we go into our front, our front street. She goes, I think I got it. Don't take the. And we go into our front street. She goes, I think I got it.

Don't take the pedals off. I think I got it. Just push me a little bit. And I push her, and she immediately starts pedaling. And her theory is, it's like reading prompter. The faster I go, the better it is. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Go at your own pace.

And pedals hauling ass and runs into a bmw that's parked alarm goes off she goes over the handlebars onto the hood of fucking clear body mark on the dust that's on the hood i could not stop fucking laughing fucking cartoon the second you started that story i was thinking of evil kenevil jumping the fountain out in front of caesars i was just waiting for the end over end bone breaking stuff vegas is never the best day drinking city like vegas day is almost like uh amateurs it's amateurs because everybody's doing it it's amateur and the people you're day drinking with have been up all night and they're sad and broke yeah yeah what you want to do vegas is all about the hotel room

you want to go out to a liquor store get some get whatever the fuck you want and then you go back to your room with people you give a shit about and just hang out telling stories laughing they do have great day drinking bars it's just not in the casinos it out telling stories laughing they do have great day drinking bars it's just not in the casinos it's fucking local bars they do have great local bars uh first i moved to new york moved to new york in 1997 97 and new york gets hit with a huge snowstorm and my buddy tony hernandez who had grown up in Tampa gone to University of Florida with me who lived across the street from me calls me at first thing in the morning this is when we had those remember those nokias those like that would get real hot on your face calls me on my

cell phone and says uh uh we're day drinking and I said what and he goes it's snowing and I went shut the fuck up I didn't know we grew up in Florida, it's snowing. And I went, shut the fuck up. I didn't know. And we grew up in Florida. We never saw snow. I go outside. I had like everything ready. I go with gloves on. I go outside. We went to the white horse over in the West village and I get there. And he's already been there. He's got like four friends with him. And he's like, dude, it's a fucking snow day to Florida kids. Right? He goes, we're just going to get drinks here, bar hop all around. And then we're going to end up at a bar. We'll get fucking wasted.

We'll get pizza. This is just day drinking in the snow. So we have a few pops, start going around in the snow. We're like throwing snowballs at each other. We're like 27-year-old men loving it like children. We get to like the third bar, and we're soaking wet. We're like, why are we so fucking wet? Like we had been around snow so

we didn't realize that you got snow on you when you went inside it dried and then turned into water we didn't realize that we are drenched by like the third bar going like what the fuck man my leather coat's drenched some idiot's like hey fuck face where did you grow up we're like tampa and they're like, that's water outside. Treasure Island. You ever drink there? In Florida? Yeah.

Oh, I've drank everywhere. Treasure Island is one of my favorite. I remember ending like a six-week fucking tour, and we were about to fly home from, I think, when our last gig was like Binghamton, New York. And it was just awful club in an awful town. And we said,

fuck flying home. Let's change our flights. We're going to fly to Tampa and get a car down to fucking treasure Island. It's it's outside of St. Pete. And it's just little, it's kind of like Playa del Rey.

You know, Playa del Rey is kind of segregated from the rest of LA. Treasure Island is like that. And just fucking perfectly trashed. It's one of the best day drinking towns. It actually makes me sad when you told that story that more people don't have that experience. To change a flight, to go fly to a completely different city to go to a dive bar and get hammered one of my best thanksgivings ever is i didn't even have thanksgiving

my chick dumped me i was hanging with this cleveland comic ryan dalton he wasn't in a relationship and we were like it man we're drinking and they had like the i finally got to see all of the football games because nobody was yapping we watched the lions whoever the fuck they were playing remember we had bud talls and we were just laughing we're gonna do this yeah we're gonna do this fuck it when we i think we ordered from like a bodega just got like a fucking bacon egg and cheese sandwich it was one of my favorite thanksgivings and just fucking got hammered i think we ended up down the cellar and they ended up having like sort of a american thanksgiving meets like middle eastern this really cool spread and uh i remember going in there i think it's the only time esty ever saw me drunk

i came in she's like oh boom i was just like hey hey bingo and i were in vegas once for whatever reason and uh we just had a non-stop quick flight back to tucson but we showed up late at the airport so we got fucking like the you know c boarding where you know you're gonna get middle seats not together and i go fuck this let's just fly and it's vegas so just look at the board where is uh where's another flight we could take and we ended up flying to providence to see my brother for no reason because we didn't want to sit in middle seats to tucson you know how to fucking live you know people just many people will just, well, we can't do that. It's not logical. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How much fun did you have on that trip? Have you heard about what he does? The most jealous thing I am of what Doug does, and there are a lot, is when he flies basically around the world for the miles and just goes airport bar to airport bar to airport bar airport and he does an airport pub crawl bill and he starts and just goes this one was uh i did dude when is the book coming out when are you gonna he's got three who the fuck have i been oh he's got three books doug's one I been? Oh, he's got three books.

Doug's one of the best writers. I mean, obviously, but writers. I wasn't used to MySpace. I used to read all your blogs. I go way back with you. Yeah, then don't read the second book because that was when Bingo came out of a coma and my deadline was so close

that I took a lot of the shit I wrote on my old website and just fucking copied and pasted it into the book. That's understandable. Wait, walk him through a pub crawl, an airport pub crawl, because they're epic, Bill. The longest one was, and without leaving an airport, was Tucson through Atlanta to Johannesburg, uh tucson through atlanta uh to johannesburg uh then up to uh amsterdam to detroit to uh vegas to salt lake back to tucson it was 77 hours 57 of them in the air but i get diamond status. Dude, please tell me you drank at least one bottle of water. I don't remember.

All I remember is every one of those airports had a smoking bar. Wow. Atlanta, you could still smoke. Johannesburg had a smoking bar. I think it's called the Red Room. Amsterdam had a smoking bar. Until I got to Detroitroit they did no longer but then vegas has this little cubicle salt lake you could still smoke and then i was home and i was zannexed

out of my mind and you know i packed my own alcohol when i traveled i had a gig in india one time mumbai india that's what i remember when you did that yeah I remember listening to your podcast where you said you know what I decided fuck it uh I I'm too old to not fly first class so you okay oh yeah I didn't make any money on that fucking trip no I did um yeah but that was uh we ended up when we were flying I did the gig in mumbai had a great time fucking great comics just awesome great comics they're just fucking they're just cool ass people india i loved india so we ended up uh going to to new york we connected through dubai and we got on this Air Emirates and we were flying up first class and I got up to go to the bathroom and I walked to the back and there was a stand up like horseshoe shaped bar. Yeah.

With enough for like six, seven people could stand, could belly up to it. And then there was a big bench seat with this these giant seat belts you put on so i was like you gotta be fucking kidding me and all the stress of leaving india was over because i needed a piece of paper to get in and i had to get a piece of paper to leave which was was a fucking nightmare and i was only there for 36 hours and they didn't let some pop star out of the country this cut cutie pie, play the piano. And I was thinking that they ain't letting her out. There's no fucking way they're letting me out.

Somehow we get out. So the stress of that was gone. And I saw that bar, so I went up. And after I went to the bathroom, you know, came back. I said, hey, come on in the back. And my wife's just like, what? She's like, I want to buy you a drink. I said, what are you talking about?

I go, just fucking come on. And I took her back. She goes, you got to be kidding me. Pwnied up to the bar. What would you like to have to drink? They had a bartender standing there dressed in the Air Emirates shit. The coolest fucking, I felt like it was in a James Bond movie. And then everybody else was leaning on the bar.

And we sat down on the bench seat, put the big seat belts on, clink drinks at like fucking 37,000 feet. Oh. Oh, dude. Virgin always, international Virgin has the fucking bar that seats about five people. And I've had like some of the best conversations just getting shit-faced with other people

that were half Xanaxed out on a 14-foot flight. I was so bummed when those guys went under. They went under, right? No. Virgin? No. Not that, I don't know. I was thinking the stores. I thought once they lost their CD monies, the plane went next.

Quantus, let me tell you something. I flew Bali to New Zealand, and I flew on an Emirates flight and I had the private cabin, like where they shut the door and it's just you and you have your own mini bar in there. Oh, dude, it's like a train. I mean, it was the coolest fucking experience ever. And by the way, I will say this for people listening it wasn't that expensive i mean granted you had to be flying bali to new zealand so i guess that trip is like just an odd

trip but it was like it was one of the coolest experiences like i mean i just getting in there and then she was like she'd come into your room she'd come into your room and She'd come into your room and be like, is there anything I can get you? Do you need anything? If you want, you can go to the bathroom. You can change into pajamas. I'm going to make your bed. And you're like, I mean, it was like, and I love getting drunk when no one can watch me. Like, when no one can monitor it, I love that feeling so much.

No one there to judge you, Bert. Oh, I was doing shit in that room that you would never do on a plane never i took my dick out like i just was like this is my room i saw something on one of those where you get like a little apartment but it was like 15 grand one way i was like well this was three thousand dollars three thousand dollars bali to fucking new zealand give or take three thousand dollars it might have been six thousand dollars but like, I remember, and you want to know something crazy. So then, so then we're in, uh, Australia.

We have a good run in Australia. We add shows to all the shows. The girls fly down. This is the girls have flown to Bali with me and then flown to Australia to meet me and they're flying back to LA. And I said, I, I, and they're, you know, girls are a little nervous about the flight and so I call uh Qantas and I said you know just out of curiosity uh what's what's it cost to upgrade it was like twelve hundred dollars for twelve hundred dollars for two of the tickets and then like a little more

a little more for another ticket and I just fucking upgraded them i didn't tell them i just upgraded the girls all the girls leanne and the girls and uh i get a call from the airport and it's leanne and she goes i think they messed up our tickets and i was like what she goes we're all sitting in business class and i was like no way she's like no the girls are losing their mind bert like the girls are so freaked out and so and so i listen, I called and I upgraded you and she got fucking livid. She's like, why would you spend an extra five grand on flying? We don't care. It doesn't matter.

I go, it matters because of how you're feeling right now. I go that feeling you're feeling, that's what it's like to get upgraded. And I wanted you to feel that. So I go, don't tell the girls just enjoy it man i got a hundred pictures of my daughters in those seats like like posing and just it was like the great like not being there was the greatest feeling what you need to do now is get pictures of them when they have to go back and fucking fly coach because you ruin them forever i. I remember seeing some BBC documentary. You know, they have those, you know,

fifth world tribes that still exist in the Amazon. They haven't invented the wheel yet. I remember because it would smoke like out of a fucking palm frond. They would smoke. And then they're starting to bum actual cigarettes from the crew and you go they're never going to be able to smoke the palm frond again they're like i want i want them all bro you fucking destroyed me you came you gave me cigarettes and left that's one of the truest things that once you've flown first class

it's it's like i think you can you can dip in you can get upgraded wow this is amazing because that happened to me a few times and then you go back but it's just like what it takes two or three flights and you're a fucking addict that's why i started doing those crazy flights because it you know come december I'm 20,000 miles short of getting you know the highest status I'm gonna fucking get those 20,000 miles because I want to get upgraded for the next year all the time because fucking coach sucks and I can't do it anymore I remember coach I can do coach if I'm sitting with my wife and she has the middle seat then I'm all right because I don't mind then I don't mind if she's up on me because I know her well uh when Big O and I if we were

flying coach I'll book window and aisle because I'm an aisle guy and you get claustrophobic and then we decide if the middle person like it's like really fat or something like we decide if the middle person is really fat or something. We decide if we're going to offer them up the fucking window. How is that conversation going? Look, we thought you were going to be regular size. Well, actually, when I get upgraded and she wouldn, cause she doesn't have the same status. I would still take the upgrade. And that way I could offer the person sitting next to her in a middle

seat. Hey, would you mind trading seats for a first-class seat? And then they're like, I won the fucking lottery. Like I'm not going to allow like i won the fucking lottery like i'm not gonna allow delta to get the fucking credit i want the credit for upgrading someone i'm not gonna say no i'm gonna sit with my wife i'm gonna wait the worst thing i ever did to my wife i still i will never forgive

myself for this i had a european run and i just done a bunch of fucking road gigs and i was fucking exhausted i wasn't making any money. You know, we were breaking even back then. And I got this thing and the promoter gave me one first class ticket. And then my wife wanted to go to Europe too. And I'm just like, I'm thinking in my head,

like, of course you do the one time. And it's going to be this long ass flight. And I was just beat up from flying on planes. I said, listen, they gave me a first-class ticket. Is there a fucking way that, you know, just so I can be rested because I need to do a good job on this tourist. And then we'll be able to come over here, fly first class.

I promise you, if you'll just accept a coach ticket, I'll sit in first class. I can't believe she said yes. And I immediately felt fucking horrible. And it ended up working out because I fucking killed. And now when we fly over there, we're fine. But every once in a while, I think it was the wrong move. I don't care how banged up I was. I should have just gone back and coached her.

I still can't. I don't know how tired I must have been that that seemed coached her. I still can't. I don't know how tired I must have been that that seemed like a good thing to do. We generally make a wager, whatever it is. Bet on something, and the fucking loser has to sit and coach if only one of us is getting upgraded. But Bingo fucking just sleeps throughout and she doesn't eat. She's always on a weird diet. I fucking love airplane food.

I get a weird thing where I get famished on an airplane just because some primal thing where I go, oh, I don't have a refrigerator. I can't feed myself. So I'm like I'm dependent on the prison guard to bring me food. I'm dependent on the prison guard to bring me food. And I know you're going to waste it. And you can't fucking hump a plate of fucking nice first class food back to me in a middle seat and coach. So, yeah, generally. I just my diet goes out the window when I get when I was sitting in coach. I get so fucking depressed of having to fly again across the fucking country and just looking out the window,

again across the fucking country and just looking out the window waiting to see the sand to know that i was getting into the part of the country that died centuries ago okay we're getting over new mexico we're getting closer only another two hours and what i would do is when you had this i at first steadfast refused to pay for my snacks and then i just said fuck it one day i go what do you got they're like we got pringles i'm like go get those we got snickers bar give me those and i just fucking i speedball just mainline fucking sugar salt the whole way just and just finishing them and then immediately being hungry after my body sifts through the lack of nourishment and would send the hunger signal again i bought everything that they had, sandwiches,

wrappers all along my fucking feet. I had a great time. I remember a time where the fucking Delta would, it was a pink lemonade drink or something for breast cancer. Someone on the flight, the lady gets on the thing and someone on the flight has bought everyone that wants a pink drink for breast cancer awareness

anonymously they're paying for anyone who wants a pink drink and I was up in first class I stood up and waved and took full credit for it dude dude i was on a flight when i was 27 years old flying to tampa and the stewardess gets on the flight or the flight attendant gets on the thing and she goes all right if there's someone

that's willing to trade with a woman sitting in 11 C, I will give them free drinks. And my hand went up so quick. She went, not you, sir. All right. I will give them. Wow. We were already drunk or she just, she did. I get fucking wasted on planes.

I got so drunk. I was on a plane with Sal Volcano. We were flying into, we were flying into, I forget where I was. I want that middle seat. They have the two most infectious fucking laughs of any two people I know. I would love to fly between you and Sal. Go ahead. I flew with Sal. we were doing a tour

me him Nate Bargatze and Kyle Kinane and we're flying just like an hour flight and I get beers at the airport then drink on the plane and Sal you know Sal doesn't like being recognized so he throws his hoodie up he's got his sunglasses on he's like first class hiding like this I get drunk and I go up to the flight attendant and I go, can I make an announcement? She goes, of course. So I grabbed the thing and I go, Oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is comedian Bert Kreischer on our flight is Sal Volcano. Do we have any impractical jokers fans on the flight? They go nuts. Sounds like this. I go, well, he didn't get the chance to meet all of you, but he'd like to meet all of you as soon as we

deplane. So he'll be waiting to take pictures. One more time for Sal Volcano and the Impractical Jokers. Sal's like this. He goes, what the fuck? Why would you grab the fucking? I love getting drunk on a plane. There's no better feeling than getting drunk on a plane, especially when you know you're not getting cut off. Like when you get to where the sand is

and you still got about an hour and a half and you just woke up from New York and then you're like, ooh, I think maybe I'll have a drink. And they're like, what can I get you? And you're like, double jack on the rocks and keep them coming. Oh, flying into LA, listening to Wilco,

just sun setting. You see all the stars. Oh my God. Drinking on a fucking airplane i had a flight like that and i end up letting a fucking person i didn't even know drive me home bill and then and then they started sending letters to my house about fucking some script they wrote i was just like all right i think i gotta dial this back bill like dude i'm talking i walked into the house I, if I took a breathalyzer,

I was probably around a two and just back and just face the couch. My wife just left me there. Cause I wrote about that in the book where like the hardest part, if I were to quit drinking would be airport uh and airplane drinking what's the hardest thing for you games airplanes what's the when are you the most missing alcohol oh wow um is five o'clock too broad of an answer no it used to be that i'm not like there's still a melancholy that fucking falls in every night where it's just like ah because my you know what my thing was doug me tv i'd watch old gumshoe shows i started watching um i can't remember uh what the what the fuck's the name i forget i would watch fucking magnet peter no it wasn't it was uh pete peter uh peter gunn peter gunn uh, uh, uh, what's the fucking guy? Um,

manics. I would just want, and dude, you can't believe the level of fucking drinking and smoking that goes on. I'm during those things. It makes you feel normal. So, and then it was like,

it was like, you know, it was LA 50, 60 years ago. So as much as they were going through the cold war and everything the way they were presenting it was so glossed over hollywood back then so it just kind of made everything it was it was the anecdote the vaccine for the news and i would just sit there and i would watch this shit dude and i would pour like four fingers of fucking bourbon and i had these glasses that i

bought this guy down el segundo used to make him was a uh glass blower as i believe what they're called and you know those big ice cubes the thing even if you put them in there they do melt a little bit so if you have a real high quality booze like some of that water is you know it's almost a sin that it's getting in there so this guy made a glass with a glass ice cube in it. So it acted as an ice cube, but it was glass, so it would never leak into your drink. They're fucking heavy as shit. And I used to pour, like, whatever I was into, that Pappy or whatever,

and I would just get fucking annihilated. And then it started off with two fingers. It became four, and then it started off with two fingers. It became four. And then it became a Bartnick pour where it looks at you like, is that an iced tea? It's like, nope, that's all fucking whiskey. You know, with the crushed ice like you're at the skating rink, you know? And then it became two of those.

And then it became three. And then I started like whatever my competitive thing is, I would start looking at bottles like opponents. Like I can get through that in three nights. And then all of a sudden, the first time ever, my wife started talking like, what's going on with you?

What's going, that's your last one. You've been snoring a lot when you go to bed. Like I was fucking laying like an offensive lineman, right? So I fucking, I started doing, I remember one night when I, when I first started going like, maybe this is getting out of control. I was walking down the stairs, bedrooms downstairs. I was walking down the stairs and I had like, I just poured another four finger thing.

And I knew that she was kind of nodding off watching, you know, Housewives and I walked in with the glass on the other side of my leg trying not to move my arms so the ice... Like it was a playoff game? Is that what it is? Where the quarterback pretends to hand off and hides it? Baseball. I had the old hidden ball trick.

I threw it back to the pitcher. Fucking tagged him out. I remember coming down the stairs. I always remember one night coming down the stairs i always remember night coming down the stairs in my socks and with two stairs to go i missed the stairs and you know when your feet do that real quick and you just land like that like loud as shit and and and my daughter had just been born and i was that level drunk and she was in a little bassinet over there. Dude, I landed like a wrestler, though, where the shock went across my whole body and it didn't even hurt. And my wife came out.

She goes, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And I was crying laughing because it didn't hurt. And I didn't spill my drink. I was proud of myself. And she was looking at me. Now I was just like, I know, I know. I'm going to shut it down. She goes, well, don't finish that.

I'm like, I've got to finish it. I know. I'm going to shut it down. She goes, well, don't finish that. I'm like, I got to finish it. I just poured it. Can't throw it out. Fuck. You know, whatever. And then it just froze up. There was more nights like that. One of my favorite Greg Giraldo jokes is he goes,

because I got drunk the other night. I was riding my motorcycle. And my wife hates when I'm drunk riding my motorcycle, but I love it. It's so much. I'm about to ruin this joke, but he goes, but I love it. But she gets so mad.

She knows that I'm drinking and driving my motorcycle. So the other night, I'm wasted. I come back to our apartment. I'm hammered. I've been driving my motorcycle, and I'm real quiet. I sneak up into bed with her into our loft and the first thing she says is have you been drinking and riding your motorcycle and you're like wow why would you say that she

goes your helmet's still on yeah those are drunken victories where you you take a fucking header and you're still holding your drink and you're like look at me i should be on the top 10 on espn i'm still got my drink that's my favorite thing in the big lebowski hey man we've got it we've got a beverage here where he's pushing him in the car. The way he is saving that drink is incredible. San Francisco is a great day drinking town. A nice, like if you're there, like nice August day where it's cool winds, beautiful sunshine, you're walking downhill, like from, you know,

we're above Cobbs, and you're walking downhill. You find those little bars that are outside. Just beautiful day drink in town. When I get to, that was one of the last places I was that got shut down for COVID. I had three nights at Cobbs, and there's two bars across the street from each other right beside Cobb's.

And I had gotten there three days early, three days to kill before they fucking, they were trying to rework the gigs. Well, the governor said nothing less than a thousand people. And then it went down to 250 and then Cobbbs is trying to rework it so okay maybe we do the shows but for the three days i had off i was day drinking in those fucking bars fantastic so i did a movie a couple years ago and one of the producers on it i was

telling him how i you know i was coming up on a year or not drinking he goes yeah I had to quit too and I and I was just and then we started talking about day drinking he was like oh I love day drinking and he told me what he his his thing was he was a Pittsburgh guy and his deal was he goes I would get up like around 11 or noon he goes I get the local paper and I would just go down to the bar and just sit there and he goes, I would read it cover to cover and just get fucking annihilated. And then he goes, at four o'clock, I'd go home, I'd take a two, three hour nap

and then I'd head out with all my friends who were working that day. And I just remember thinking like, because I was still kind of white knuckling my way, getting through it. I remember thinking,, because, you know, I was still kind of white knuckling my way, you know, getting through it. I remember thinking, especially, you know, sitting on a movie set where, you know, you're just going to be there for fucking 16 hours no matter what. And even though I was having a good time, but I was thinking like what I would do right now. And it was like a bar around the corner to walk into that bar right now with the fucking New York Post.

Read it cover to cover getting fucking shit-faced fucking i i i'm a huge newspaper fan i love a newspaper paper yeah uh and yeah morning drinking i remember new york the only time i enjoyed drinking in New York was actual morning drinking where everyone's fucking not there. And, you know, the sun is coming up in your face and it's, you know, 10 a.m. And even because I fucking hate New York, I loathe it. But, yeah, have the fucking New York Times and a cocktail. Yeah. So now all I do now is I have my big thing once a week is I make a chocolate malt.

Like I literally ordered malt. Because I used to love those Bob Big Boys ones when I was a kid. And I'd visit my grandparents in the Midwest. And I make one of those. And then once a week, there's a sandwich place, a couple, couple neighborhoods over that I go to. Um, it just makes a really great sandwich and out here, the sun's always shining. So I just sit there and I have the sandwich with like a fucking orange Fanta. Those are my two things for the week. I try save her but i gotta tell you um sitting out there because it's an italian joint it makes me want to smoke a little cigar

like i'm not done done with cigars i gotta have something but um i used to envy guys i used to envy guys like i remember there was this one guy i won't say his name but i worked with him on the road a couple times and uh we go to lunch on the road and he'd be like what kind of ipas you have and i'd be like and he and you know like two in the afternoon we have a show at seven and i'm like god man i wish i could be one of those guys that had like you know a couple drinks before the show and felt fine and then one night he missed the show and i realized he was just an alcoholic and i was like here i am envying him because i'm like oh i can't do that man i i gotta sleep and get my workout in and like and i'm like what a cool dude and then he missed both shows and i was like oh no i guess he just has a problem yeah he was trying to control it so

you know there are there are four comics right now that think that's them that's happened to me four times you know four alcoholics still bro i tell a story i tell a story these days crestfallen when i just heard bill burr hasn't drank in two years i tell a story these days i will say something i will go oh there i knew this one guy who's a real fucking abuser like just a fucking piece of shit cheated on his wife i mean and and literally i get four texts from comics dude don't talk to me about me on podcasts and i'm like first of all i didn't say your fucking name second of all i didn't know you cheated on your wife jesus christ man you can't say anything these days

without someone going that's me he's talking about i think that just happened when i did rogan where he's like i'm not going to say their name i go well now everybody's going to think it's them god i talked i talked about i talked about comics i just found out ron White quit drinking and I always used to make the joke. What? Yeah. He did some like ayahuasca thing in fucking Costa Rica and he was 60 days sober. Cause I always said that.

There should have been a retirement ceremony. Like fucking Larry bird stopped to quit. I mean, I are his Jersey. What? I love that video he made about his house. I basically exist on vodka and crackers. I went to do a podcast with him one time,

and he came in after a round of golf, and I literally looked at it like, all right, that's the pacing I need to have. Sat down. He had a joint in his mouth. That's just kind of trickling out smoke. And he's like, uh, sits at his desk, got, you know, like the, the guy still golf attire, socks and slippers or whatever sits down with a joint kind of hits it, puts in his ass and he goes, uh, shot of tequila. And I went, yeah, in my head, I was like, was like god definitely and just the pacing he had

he never seemed wasted he always seemed together he always murdered on stage and when i heard he quit drinking i was like all right that's the canary in the mine when wait when did he quit 60 days ago that's amazing good for him, what does canary in the mine mean? So they used to put a canary in the mine to find out because they would die quickly from poisonous gas. So if there was any poisonous gas, the canary would die. So if the canary died, that meant that there was enough to kill its lungs. It was soon going to kill your lungs. You had to get out of the mine. I can't believe believe fucking bill burris never heard canary in a coal mine well i mean i

heard the police song i mean yeah yeah that's you know what i just i just read i didn't never knew what tooth and nail meant i used to literally picture like a nail being hammered into a tooth it means bite and claw your way whatever you scratch your way whatever you gotta do i didn't know that i used to when people would say we don't have enough to make ends meat i thought that was an actual sandwich like the very ends of the meat that they'd sell those cheaper and they go oh we all we have left is ends meat if you got no money we'll sell it to you cheap and so my mom would be like we don't have enough to make ends meat and i was like i don't even like those sandwiches anyway like this isn't bread yeah no yeah i thought they did that with meat like when they'd start off a bologna slice they'd be like we'll throw that away and they're like no save it for the poor people and then you get a bunch of ends

meat so you get like the end of bologna end of roast beef the end of turkey and then they give that to you i was like i don't even remember eating those sandwiches all right doug what was yours oh toes the line i told you line i thought was t-o-w and i just only from doing fucking i started doing crossword puzzles like some fucking old man it's not t-o-w what is it t-o-e yeah it's putting your fucking toe on the line let's go the line what does that what does that mean i still don't know what it means but i always thought it was the other spelling i always pictured a guy in a truck pulling a boat toe the line no no it's got to be like toe the line means like be right up on the edge i don't know what does toe the line mean this is so funny that we're gonna we're doing this after

talking about day drinking for a fucking hour and a half right what is uh stitching time saves nine yeah that's what it means it means that you're you're you know you're crossing over potentially crossing over like if you're towing the line between good or bad, it's you're putting your toe against line. I love when he gets a chance to talk because the whole time he just sits there. I had to explain to my daughters what a whore's bath

was. I never heard that. A whore's bath? Pits and pussies, ladies. Pits and pussies. There's a hockey player. Bill must know. There's a hockey player named Whore Bath. H-O-R-B-A-T-H.

Oh, I thought it was his nickname. And then there's this guy. Oh, the Whore Bath? When I was younger, that was an insert racial group you didn't like. Shower. Oh, yeah. that was uh an irish racial group you didn't like shower oh yeah or even like nationality take an italian shower it's like you know i had bath before water my hair and threw cologne on it something it was all yeah that's a whore bath no all right. A whore's bath. Wash your fucking... Uh-oh. Depending. But, yeah, everything that stinks,

you wash in a fucking gas station sink. I lived on the road out of my car for three years. I know what a whore's bath is. I think I still kind of take whore's bath. Even when I get in the shower, I take a whore's bath. Oh, I don't even care anymore. I don't even do that. I went the other way.

Started over showering? Yeah, I'm meticulous. Do you wash the top of your head? I have lotions. Why wouldn't I wash the top of my head? I don't know. I mean, what is it really? It's skin. Yeah, you got to wash. I mean, I wash the same shit my head. I don't know. Cause it's, I mean, what is it really? You know,

it's skin. Yeah. You got to wash. I mean, I wash the same shit. I washed my face with, I watched it. I didn't get what you were saying. Like I thought that was going to be another ends meet like,

Oh, I never did the top of my head or the bottom of my feet. I just thought that's, that's how poor people shower. No, the wealthy washing the top of their head. Yeah, no, I got like a fucking a fucking you know what's funny is

my wife bought me like uh i got i had like a loofah right because that's like a big thing like white people don't use washcloths or shit like that she goes it's bad for your fucking skin get a loose so she gets me this loofah right so i had it for a while i go when are you supposed to throw these fucking things out she goes all right i'll get you another one she came home with this old-fashioned like minor scrubbing the like my 600 pound life and i'm just sort of scrubbing blubber but i gotta tell you dude i fucking love it for like the bottom of your feet you just bring it up like you're gonna do tree pose and yoga and you just can you can you're gonna really you can get it all i mean there's guys out there probably have not washed their back in a fucking couple of presidents because you kind of go like this you go like

that you go like this that there's that whole the center of my back has not been touched anyone ever told you oh oh, your back stinks? It doesn't happen. Well, there's a lot of polite people out there, Doug. Plus, if it does, they're behind you and they're going like that and they just walk away from you. Think of the producers, Doug, that walked away from you that you could have met if you only had washed your back.

Oh, yeah. If I hadn't done that set when you opened this podcast going that guy's got a lot of balls to be doing this set and if i yeah that's why i went nowhere i know we all had that self uh self-sabotage but there was someone did because i remember billy gardell going up and being a real comic and shitting on the la guys and he ended up he ended up breaking through do we did a show go ahead it was how bad it was i saw a fucking the host was doing a joke and he took out chapstick in between applied it went like that it wasn't a character he was legit doing it and never got heckled the next comic went up didn't say anything

dude that just then i went up and said something that just reminded me you were at the laugh factory one night and a fucking comedian did a joke where he banged himself with the fucking microphone and started bleeding and he didn't realize that he was bleeding and the blood trickled perfectly right by his eye and nobody said anything and then another comic went up never addressed it because everybody was so do their showcase set and then you went up and you're like hey what's up wait am i out of my fucking mind two comics ago didn't the guy just hit himself and start bleeding profusely and dude you fucking destroyed all right i fucking froze up i'm going

back i'm going to the fun house because i froze up and i wanted to hear so i i first of all i only remember doing like two sets ever at the fucking laugh factory so he started bleeding and i said what well the host went back up when he outroed him and never addressed it and then another comic went up never talked about it and then they brought you up so it had been 20 minutes since they watched this guy bleed and you finally released the tension i don't remember that at all it sounds like something i should remember there was a comic there's a comic that works at the boston comedy club do you remember the guy who would used to bark with with lewis before i did bill there was a guy his name was andrew

and he had a joke one of his jokes was about you know walking into a shovel and he'd go wham and hit himself like four times with the microphone. And, uh, he would get welts would develop on his forehead throughout his set as one of his first jokes. And I was like, I was like, man, I remember being in the back going, someone's got to tell him that he gets these welts and Patrice goes, never tell him, never tell him. And I i and ever since then i would every time you go up i'd watch and it hit and i i would be dying laughing watching these welts form with the with the the texture of a microphone red like red crisscross patterns on his forehead oh you know that was very cinematic you walking out of wherever you did just into the driveway like i was watching that like i would watch this show whatever this

is it's the third time i froze up at a fucking crucial point during this because the internet sucks where i was so now now you're making me want to drink right now, Doug, I got two more meetings today and I just want to blow them off and get fucking wasted. Oh, can I, can I join in? Just send me a zoom link. I want to be on the meeting as your agent. Oh, you want to know, you want to know one of them? I'll be like Andrew.

I won't say shit unless you're stuck on a toe. The line, one of the, one of the best, one of the best ones ever talking about like finding someone drinking. I forget what it was, but some comedy gossip was going down. And I texted Shane Gillis about it. And Shane Gillis writes back. He goes, I'm by myself. I wanted to talk about this.

And so he texts back. And then I text back more. And then he texts back and he goes, you got me at the perfect time. Flight just got delayed and I'm going to TJF Fridays at the airport. And I, and I wrote, I wrote back in my phone. I'm running. Is there any better feeling in the world? And he writes, as I'm about to hit send, he sends a text that says, is there any other

better feeling in the world? And I screen grabbed what i was about to send and what he sent and i go that when you're on a fuck at an airport and you're fucking sitting there and you get into a chat thread with a bunch of comics about some bullshit and your flight gets delayed oh is there any better feeling than not feeling guilty for being at a TGI Fridays, then, well, it's at the airport. So I really don't have a choice. I remember, I forget what town where I go, okay, we can drink before the show at TGI Fridays, because my fans are going to try to find me at every cool dive bar in the neighborhood. No one's ever going to think I'm at a fucking TGI Fridays.

So let's go there. I did a gig in Sweden and TGI Fridays was the spot. During the day, they were at TGI Friday. And at night, a fucking DJ would show up. And it turned into like this fucking like really hip. Me and my wife are sitting there going like, wow, these cool young, good-looking people going to the TGI Fridays?

And all of a sudden the lights change. It was like a fucking rave. We're like, all right, TGI Fridays is the spot. I tell my fans I'm going to drink with them after the shows where I go, hey, I'm going to go drink. Tell me the bar. I'll say it on stage. I'll meet you guys there. Or I'll put it out on Instagram. Right. And you always get people to go,

Oh, you got to go to the shoe horn. And they're like, Oh, shoe horns, the coolest. I go, no, I don't want to go to the cool bar. I want to go to the part that's got the, that is dead tonight. And it's got the most open space because that's, that's, I'm going gonna be claustrophobic in the cool bar we're in uh we're in maybe melbourne or or sydney i forget which one and we get done melbourne and i go tell me a good bar and the guy this guy in the audience goes no no they're all yelling out parties he goes no i know what he's talking about he wants a bullshit bar no one's at and And he goes, there's a bar inside our mall. And I went, exactly. And we went to a bar inside of a mall.

And literally, you just watch everyone going, what the fuck is this? The band is there, right? The band's there. And everyone's dancing. And the band's like, yeah, our fans really show up. And someone goes, bring Gert up. They're like, fuck Bert. The band's like fuck Bert

and I go up I go hey man these are all my fans and I think they want me to sing with you and he goes who the fuck are you beat it asshole I go very cool very cool very cool I disappear all of a sudden they start heckling the band so bad the band goes someone get that guy Bert up here we need you guys to stop what I uh I don't know if you know the Leicester Square Theatre in London. Yeah. Yeah, I was doing like a fucking five week,

what do they call that? Not an intern. Residency? That's it. And right behind it, there's this little Chinese takeout place called the Hing Loon. That's as big as, you know, there's this little Chinese takeout place called the Hing Loon. That's as big as, you know, it's, you know, there's no like chairs. It's just like a walk in fucking phone booth takeout place.

And every night I would tell people, hey, the after party is at the Hing Loon. It's right behind the theater. Go in. You have to have the ticket stub from today's date. Don't try to come back for every after party and just ask for the Monte Carlo suite. Send all these people to talk to these Chinese people who fucking know English other than what's on the menu.

People would keep walking in asking for the fucking casablanca suite or whatever it may help that night dude my bachelor party we went to a dive bar and there was this fucking annoying band that wouldn't end and joe bartnick's there and he had this he wore a blue fucking blazer because he looked like andrew was there who by the way is our producer that's why he's not signing china so he fucking i go oh my god this is like the perfect fucking spot with the perfect people in that fucking bam on shut up and he looked like a bouncer and he just walked up right up to the set like and he looks over the piece like over the people's heads because he's so tall, and he just looks right at this lead singer, he catches his eye, and he does the wrap it up,

and he did it with such authority, and turned around and walked away, the guy ends the song, he goes, all right, well, I guess we got, I thought we had time for a couple more, dude, we had our fucking heads down, laughing, What sucked was the bartender went like, no, no, no, you're good. Keep going,

keep going. And then, then the joke became him singing the next song and then being in his head, trying to figure out who the fuck that guy was that did the wrap it up. Dude, he came up like with authority, just came walking bond right up, looked at the guy,

did that. And I go, he did the nod while he was singing. Fucking Bartlett, man. It's like Andy Andrist will fucking drive around with an orange reflective vest, and he'll just

steal street signs. I-5, I guess it is. Yeah, I-5. He showed up at a fucking Death Valley party with an I-5 that he stole off the road and he just well yeah i just put on an orange reflective vest and in broad daylight unscrewed the fucking sign put it in his fucking suzuki samurai but if you have an orange reflective vest people think yeah he must be legit he works for the government you want to

talk about you ever have those moments where you you wake up not maybe the day after but like two weeks three weeks a month later and you go oh fuck i got that on my digital footprint like someone's gonna google that and find that we were in australia we do this show and i get fucking wasted we end up doing shoeies with these kids in a bar where you pour the beer in the shoe and drink it out of the thing and i black out i black out and i wake up the next morning and i'm in the car with my tour manager gavin who, right? We're driving to the airport. We're flying to a new city. Silent.

Uh, hell's angel biker, like hell's angel biker, like legit jacked, tatted in a band, like fucking legit hard motherfucker. No prospect handle on the fucking back. He is a bad motherfucker. He's in a band called the poor band everyone check him out bad motherfucker very quiet guy very casually says to me as we're driving the airport do you remember putting a gun to a man's head last night and i have a clear visual of some dude i completely forgot about it walking out of the bar some guy hands me a gun and goes

Burt real quick take a picture of you holding a gun to my head and I'm like sure have a gun to a guy's head guy snaps a picture takes his gun and Gavin goes the fuck are you doing and I was like I have no idea blackout drunk that picture I guarantee is out there just

me holding a gun to a man's head yeah I think that would actually give you street cred rather than like cancel you I guarantee is out there. Just me holding a gun to a man's head. Yeah. I think that would actually give you street cred rather than like cancel you. Oh, just what I just, just my daughter seeing that and being like, what the fuck do you do when you go on the road, dad?

Or if you get drunk at some point and you start brandishing a weapon and you try to act like it was an isolated incident, then that's when it comes up actually he has a history and then that guy he's got nothing going on in his life uh i had a license to carry he came up behind me grabbed the gun i was scared i was scared for my life don't tell anybody or i'll blow your brains out wait this is the type of white cis male behavior. Bert's going down. You also heard of the Russian mob? I bragged about it and wrote a book about it.

He makes a living off of... Oh. You guys are wondering why I'm coughing. They did some fucking work downstairs and they didn't clean up. Oh, if you're wondering why I'm coughing, it's because i haven't stopped smoking for this entire podcast until now when i left my cigarettes inside but i i got my i

have i have my boy friday he's going to get him so did you notice an uptick in your drinking during the pandemic or was it just the same no no actually uh no it's pretty standard like i i nothing to i can't i love sleeping so much that uh i've had an uptick in the amount of sleepers i take fucking eating pills or just sleeping no no pills like i'd vacillate between benadryls or just over the counters somonix works i i if i'm unless a good book doug hammered huh how about a good bath just to get you to that slow it down kind of thing. I want to start doing heroin because heroin addicts legendarily are afraid of water. Like if you saw a train spotting, heroin addicts don't like showers.

It fucking feels creepy on their skin. And I just, I don't bathe, Bill. I really don't bathe. I've gone completely. I take epsom salt baths every three days i take one and i just fucking it just you know and for after the bath for like 20 minutes you're filled 10 minutes younger and then you just sort of creep back into your age again i'm gonna take an epsom salt bath tonight yeah i i have them and i have uh i have bubble bath uh just taking my clothes off seems like so much effort and the disappointment when i see myself without clothes it's too much to

bear good pajama pants like you put on a good pajama last night hang on i don't know what I tweeted last night, but I get a direct message from Wendy Liebman saying, please don't kill yourself. I'm like, I didn't really have any intentions, but I don't know what I said on Twitter that made you think that I would, but she like, I don't think I even, I don't remember ever meeting her other than on Twitter. Like what a sweet thing to say I was gonna say that I already liked her now I like her even more I love her that's great all right well I think we we just did two hours a day drinking and trying to figure out what sayings we've been using for the last 50 years mean don't look a gift horse in the

mouth you know why they say that that's probably how you tell how old the horse is or something i remember looking that one up yeah don't let the cat out of the bag well you made the decision to kill it and throw it over the fucking you don't need any witnesses you got it is that what it is no oh uh p's and q's you must have looked that up no no what's that one uh mind your p's and q's and and there is a similar looking letter and you might fuck it up when you're writing and no it's uh well it's it's disputed but uh it's uh pints and quartz it's a a british thing where mind how much you drink is are you looking it up andrew okay no uh the the one i read about that was uh it was the bartender would say mind your p's and q's because when they kept a tab, it was to let you know, hey,

you got to pay your tab. Mind your P's and Q's. That doesn't make any sense. Does it mean how many you've had? How much you owe to pay? Oh, how much you owe to pay? What does 86th come from? This is how I know.

I got one for you 23 once about 23 skidoo was no oh i think i did i looked this one up it was 23rd street in new york back in the day the way the buildings are because every street's changed there would be a rush of air that would come as a venturi like a carburetor right and a rush of air would come down and it would blow the women's skirts up and then they would run away in embarrassment they used to call it the 23 skidoo and these guys would go down there to sit sit there just to watch their dresses get blown up and then Marilyn Monroe ruined it for everyone well she yeah she kind of stole it she made it mainstream the phrase throw like a girl you know where that came from

oh shit I don't know so they it didn't look masculine when you threw you threw like a girl oh go fuck yourself Chrysler you're not even drinking oh i'm gonna though i'm gonna though if all i need leanne to say is hey b-man signature cocktail and i fucking light up they call me bertrude no one calls me dad doug no one calls me by my name they call me bertrude they call me foffy they call me bertrude mcfuzz they call me b-man they call me everything but dad oh uh speaking of because i called fucking jennifer bean to say hey i'm about to do a podcast with bill burr because michael bean brings you up all the time you know michael Michael Bean? No, I don't. Who is it? From fucking... Yeah. Johnny Ringo from Tombstone.

Oh, I know who Michael Bean is. Of course. He lives in Bisbee now. Oh, I fucking love it. Bill, you know who it is. We're doing a podcast as soon as he's in LA again, but he's coming back in a week. That was Ian McShane? No, no, no, no.

He was in Tombstone. That was Ian McShane? No, no, no, no. No, he was in Tombstone. I was thinking Death Valley or whatever the... Oh, I fucking love that guy. Terminator, he's fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah. I love that

guy. I know that guy. The fucking... He's worked with you. He's on Mandalorian, which I just found out you're on too, and I've never seen it. Oh, yes, yes. I met. No, wasn't he the. He did.

He was in Terminator. Yeah. Yeah, Kyle Reese. There you go. Yeah. Oh, no, I was thinking. I thought you meant the second Terminator when Arnold was a good Terminator. No, no, no. I thought that terminator because i haven't seen him forever but he lives here in bisbee so he's fine i met that guy that's

right i met that guy he was a great dude dude he is johnny an asshole because i met him and he was really nice to me he's a great great great actor yeah and he's a fucking great guy like we we have a we're gonna do a podcast that's ridiculous and i i don't want to give away the premise but all right i love that guy johnny ring i gotta get going here my daughter just came home i gotta go ride bikes with her so i have i have two meetings with uh burke chry Kreischer that I have to be sober for. I'll FaceTime you if I start drinking, Doug. Doug, it was great to see you, buddy. You look good, man.

You look good. I get a lot of sun falling down outside. Sleep is good. Drinks are good. Day drinking are good. Ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope. Hopefully, we'll be touring near you soon or hanging out at an airport bar. Yeah, I will be touring again with a bunch of diarrhea jokes as starters.

If Doug's not in your town, Bill Burr just announced a bunch of dates. Yeah, I was going to retweet dates when i i looked you up before this but i thought oh it looks like i'm sucking up so i'll retweet them afterwards i put in my stories i put in my stories i had a 2500 uh click throughs you have i think burt just i think you just big league both of us 2500 likes on uh friendsterthroughs. I put a little link. Swipe up. Stand-up touring's back. And you fucking... Congrats, Bill. Congrats, Doug. I wish I could do the road with you guys.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine if we all just went day drinking? How long would we even last? I would last until about 2.30. I need a nap. Tim Dillon just came down for like 12 hours he flew in we did a podcast and he flew out

I woke up at 6.15am and he was already gone and he hang on you'll fucking love this he evidently destroyed a toilet in the guest house but i mean like not it had plugged up and then i had to clean it out because we had other guests staying in there and i look

in the trash and he had thrown away his underpants and his t-shirt i've never met tim dillon so like i don't want to like i wanted to call him up and go uh why did you throw away both your t-shirt and his not they weren't shit underpants yeah just got here at like seven at night and when i woke up at fucking six, you're gone. After we made plans to go take them around old Bisbee. And I go, I'm not going to call him and ask him. I'll just say it on a podcast. So now I did. I'll get a text from him. I travel light, Bert.

I travel light. Anyway, I fucking miss you guys. I travel light. Anyway, I fucking miss you guys. I miss comedy. I miss comics. I miss fucking everything about it except for traffic. I love you guys.

Love you too, brother. Thanks so much for coming on this, man. I hope we all get to hang in a mass-free world soon. All right. This has been the end of another andrew's your two-parter dude you're a two-parter the amazing doug stanhope everybody on the bill burke podcast Take care.