The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 6

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about Walt Disney, ways to improve half-time, and times they escaped the law.

Hey, hello everybody and welcome and it's time for another Bill Burt pod cast. How are you Burt? You were so late on this one. You realize if this was 10 years ago and the network was like, I'd like you to say, you say Bill, you say Burt, both of us would have pushed back. Really? I'm not going to fucking do that. Come on, man. I was more looking at it like if it was the early 80s and we tried to do that rap thing where you like run dmc used to do where they would say yeah yeah we would just you know then it would have been

good it would have been bad because you bet there was too much of a gap there yeah hey what's up welcome to another edition of the bill podcast there There you go. That was too quick. Okay, ready? Just settle into the... Try it again. See if this one works. Hello, everybody. Welcome to another fun episode of the Bill Pod. That's so funny.

I'm so gullible, I didn't even know you were going to do that. Now, you're probably asking, who is this great, toxic, white male that they made? We've got to be progressive. That they have made a bust of that has crying children and shit on his armor, whatever the fuck is going on. This is Julius fucking Caesar.

What did Julius Caesar do? He invented the salad. Thank you. That's the first rimshot joke of the fucking podcast. He went into the Mediterranean Sea. He got himself some little fish easy. Tried to start a fire with him.

And somebody threw some shit on it. And all of a sudden. Mayonnaise. And he was like, what do you think? And they beheaded the person. And his head landed in a field of fucking lettuce. And it just so happened that when they said, get this guy the fuck out of here, he still had the Caesar dressing on his, not pronounced to himself,

it was on the guy's head, and it fell off with some lettuce. And he was trying to be all fucking hardcore. See, this is the best part. I just cut his fucking head off, and I can still eat. And then he said, oh, goddamn, that's delicious. This is the best. This is the best part of you being a dad. They executed him for saying goddamn.

You're going to love this part of being a dad when you get to lie to your kids, just extravagant fun lies. I don't know. Oh, it's the best. It isn't. It's the best. Breaks down trust. It's the best.

I have told my daughters such huge, especially when they were like, just dumb enough to get it. Like I remember the first time they took a sip of a milkshake. And I go, let's do a milkshake race so you can drink the most milkshake fastest. And they're like, okay. And they all did it and then they got cold headaches. And I go, oh, I am in control of your brain. They're like, dad, make it stop.

It was a fucking. That's not a bad one. That's actually a fun one. That's a fun one. That's a fun one, yeah. My dad, one time, we had a day off from school, you know, because it was like a PTA meeting. Did a train just go by? What the fuck is that?

So he came home, right, and we were all fucking jumping around because it was Tuesday night and we had no school Wednesday. We were jumping around. He goes, what are you guys so excited about? We're like, oh, we don't have school tomorrow. They got a PTA meeting.

He goes, oh, that's not what i heard you know what do you mean no no the teacher said when we left that we have to stay up from school and he goes no i just heard on the radio they canceled that you got to go to school tomorrow we're like no way he goes yeah i just heard on the radio we're like oh we're a ripoff so we we went upstairs, did our homework. He didn't say shit. Set my alarm to do my paper route, which you could do before all these pedophiles were fed by social media and they came out of it. You just have dirty old men, right? That was all it was, right? We took a little ball grab,

and that was all that was going on back then. A little grab ass. A little grab ass, you know? Stay away from that guy. He's a little filthy. So we set our alarms to do our paper routes, got up early, crack of dawn, didn't say a word went out we did our whole fucking paper routes come back like seven in the morning right to sit down and eat breakfast he

sits down with us doesn't say a fucking word let's just pack up for school we walk out the door doesn't say a fucking word. Finally, we're down at the end of the driveway, waiting at the bus stop. He drives down in his car, we had this long driveway. That was great. Rolled down the window, beeped the horn, waved at us, and drove to work.

Didn't say shit, and we stood out there for like 90 minutes. Oh. Neighbors were driving by with their kids in the car slowing down looking at us like how did they not do they have no friends how do they not somebody finally pulled up was like what are you guys doing and we were like we're waiting for the bus and you know what you go to you know you don't have school today like well our debts, well, our dad's.

We do. We just started saying, oh, our dad's. It's the first time I ever called my dad an asshole. He was laughing so hard on the phone. He was at work. He was like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Dying laughing. I'm like, dad, you asshole.

And then I got nervous that he was going to get mad. But he was laughing so hard. And my mother went along with it, too. Oh. That was called toughen you up, right? Yeah. That was it. Yeah.

That was a good one, though. That's a fucking legit good one. That's a real... But that is really a microcosm of my family tree where we don't know where the line is between funny and then crossing the line into cruel. Doesn't always happen, but it definitely, yeah, there was a lot of drunk driving going over that fucking line. Whoa, hey, that's a school bus full of kids. Yeah, so, yep.

That's a good one. And here I sit sit running my yep so this is what it's really about is uh andrew themilis the brains behind this operation said the ides of march they killed caesar on march 15th everybody thinks march is about stone that right there is what it's like to talk to a comedian 24 fucking seven i mean just how easily you got distracted i was really he got he got this is julius caesar the ides of march and you just were looking you couldn't look at it for more than half a second before like what is this made out of can i make this what if i wear this and then do a promo video for my special oh my special hey big boy is streaming right now on netflix that's a great name

thank you that's a that's hard yeah there's so many specials yeah my daughters call me big boy all the time my bus driver calls me big boy everyone's always called me big boy my sister's that's when you're almost too fat to be made fun of yeah, well right at the precipice. Hey big boy. Yeah. Hey big girl. That's That's you carrying it. Well, I said last night a big boy woke me up Hey big boy moth flew my mouth. I go Martin behind your fucking mouth. She was a moth flew my mouth I need to get in bed with you. I go baby a moth did not flying it She was that I swear to god a moth flew my mouth and I went just get better don't come in here Are you attracting moths?

and I went, I just can't bear with me. Don't come in here. You're attracting moths. I sleep with my mouth open too. What do you think you got that from? And then this morning she went to school and I was in the kitchen and sure enough there was a freaking moth in the kitchen and I went holy shit, a moth really flew in her mouth last night.

And I just wrote it off. I just go, she's getting bad. If you want to sleep in my bed, sleep in my bed. Wasn't it like a Silence of the Lambs thing? You put like the moth in the mouth? Yeah, a bug. bug no he was a bug collector and a bug accidentally went down her throat because she died there i almost happened yeah i think so in that movie yeah was that the real documentary behind the scenes of silence of the lambs no i think it's an amalgam he put her in a well just there's one he had a well in his house there was one fucking serial killer that they made all of these movies about because there was one guy that ed ed ed gein ed gein was so fucked

up it's like we can't put all of this in one movie yeah because we can't with the ratings people will will they i don't know i don't know what, so they divided it all up Ed Gein made skin suits out of the people he killed there was no internet, there was no phones back then I mean it was, no there was phones well the thing about it was, what was fascinating was

the guy was in like a town of like 75 people and he was killing them are you serious? you can't tell me, i don't fucking know i just remember he had some somebody went over his house the plainfield ghoul that's the 1930s what year and that's really underplayed to just say he's a ghoul i have a theory about fucking, about people about 80 years ago. Yeah. In 1900 and why so many fucking, so many like fairy tales and everything involved death and people getting eaten and all this crazy shit.

It has to do with the farm animals. Wait, how so? Because they, you know, they went out. If you wanted like a goose for christmas your grandmother went out grabbed it by the neck and went like that and broke its fucking neck and all the kids would see it and you had to fight back those tears right and then in the middle of that you're eating the goose that you actually named you knew it that well yeah your little brother starts coughing a week later he's got tuberculosis he's gone and they have to stick him out in the outhouse

and disown him yeah you know and then they act like nothing happened because there was no therapy right somebody's getting polio yeah somebody's gonna be hobbling around the house and it just it was yeah so that's why they have like gallows humor is they just was they was so close to fucking death everybody had a sibling that died that's why they had like 11 kids because they knew you know like at least five were gonna die you know they were just throwing dna at mother nature just trying to flood the game with fucking with people everyone on the ice keep going you get the puck, shoot it. Put the puck on net. That's what they were doing.

So I feel like that's why so many fairy tales, because you're reading, you're like, god damn, we can't relate. Even with the corona, we cannot relate to that level of, and I forget about the fact that they would have plagues. Oh, yeah. I can't believe how much of this you're buying. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. I'm like, fuck, I got i mean i can't believe how much of this you're buying oh yeah no no no no i'm like fuck i gotta make more i'm buying this i'm buying the uh the fact that there was a world where you just had kids because everyone died and you killed the goose

and there was no there was no therapy and everyone was like fucking broken here's my question probably made your son go out and shoot it yeah this will make a man out of you shoot it but that's ernie i mean you think about this guy again he was he was doing creative serial killer shit when he didn't see this on tv he did it it was him it was who he was that's why so many serial killers today are so hacky and redundant yeah it's because social media if i see one more fucking serial killer you know i mean i'm trying to think of what they do no but no but like think of like school shooters kids are doing school shooters as copycat yeah it's copycat crimes ed gein the same way we imitate wrestling yeah he's trying

to hand you this stuff that he did first listen to this this imdb page stuff they found in this IMDB page whole human bones and fragments a water basket made of human skin I could buy a mentalist I couldn't make you a water basket with plastic let alone human skin covering several chair seats skulls on his bedposts female skulls with some of the top sawed off. Bowls made from human skulls. A corset made from a human torso. Wait a minute. He must have done the thing where you take the top of the skull off and you make one of those avocado bowls and then use the femur.

That's the next one. Avocado bowl made from human skin. They didn't have avocados back then. You know, he must have at some point, when he was walking around his house, he must have, you know, like, you know, post-jerking off, you know, that clarity you have? He must have had that after some kill.

Just be sitting there as he's washing up in the sink. Just being like, yeah, what the fuck am I doing? I gotta stop this. I'm gonna clean this house up. I gotta get rid of this evidence. The cops are gonna come. A belt made from female human nipples.

That's gotta, I mean, I'm just judging by my nipples, that's gotta be I mean, I'm just judging by my nipples, that's gotta be... 40? 40 nipples. How many... Why do I know so much about your nipples? I guessed the same number, that was like at the carnival.

Don't I want a stuffed animal? A lampshade made from the skin of a human face. Nine, volve... Wait, did it backlight the guy's face? Yeah, like it would show up the guys he turned it on and be like no the last look the guy had on his face this is insane masks made from the skin of female heads this guy was he had no internet he was the tiger woods of syracuse like if you ever went over to Tiger Woods' house, he has all the fucking trophies.

I mean, you just walked... All of those... Yeah. It's like that. Going to Jordan's house. Except rather than NBA championship trophies, it's skulls and skin face. Face skin.

This... Skin face? Ed Gein was not only... Was the Silence of the Lambs based on him, so was Psycho. Psycho was based on Ed Gein was not only, was the Silence of the Lambs based on him, so was Psycho. Psycho was based on Ed Gein. Oh, yeah. Just parts of his personality.

He is like, you know, he's the Brando. He's the James Brown. You know those people who just, they just take it so far in the beginning you can't surpass what they did creatively as far as killing people and then doing shit with the bodies i mean but i would have to say other countries need to weigh in and i'm talking to you eastern europe and where else are the ghoulish people uh eastern russia no you never seen like those Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on him.

Yep. Psycho was based on him. Ed Gein. This is insane. Eddie! Eddie... But I'm still blown away. He hadn't seen this in popular culture.

He just was by himself... Came up with it on his own his own was like i want to i wouldn't mind cutting her skin off her face and then me wearing it for a day or like i'm gonna make her waist from her nipples down to her stomach i'm gonna make a corset and then i'll wear that you know i would love that's fucking insane love to have a cover for my ironing board and then we'd walk around town, and he'd look for some tall, lanky guy with bitch hips, and he would just take it off the back.

Can you imagine how much he would laugh at this era when people say, you know, we're getting turnt up compared to his? You want to talk about turnt up? Try collecting nipples and then sewing them together. I mean, what a fucking like he was the walt disney of serial killers like he's just a guy ahead of his time he really was and walt another dark guy because his wife died his mother sorry his mother died early on that's why all those

fucking asshole disney things they were they always got uh bambi bam all of them for real wait what happened to w's mom? She died. He lost his mom when she was really young. I never looked this up. I never... People just told me this. Hold on, hold on. People just told me this.

The look on your eyes when you looked, and you're like, I don't know if this is true. I didn't think there was going to be follow-up questions. But I'm pretty sure. Andrew, you got a fact check for me. You know, I think they died in the house that he bought them. Who?

I thought his mother died when he was young. No, no, no. I thought she was shot by a hunter. And that's why he made Bambi, because his mom got shot by a hunter. Was the guy Jewish, and that's why he doesn't like Jews? Yeah. We're trying to psychologically... Wouldn't it be great to hear Walt Disney defend being anti-Semitic today?

Like, just have him, like, have them bring his frozen body back. He's the guy that froze his body, right? That's a myth, too. Okay. Pretend he froze his body and they unfreeze him. And they put him on Nightline and they're like... He's like the owner of the Dodgers, Ted Koppel. I just want to make sure

you know what you're saying here did you ever see that one the owner of the campus you know the dodgers when he was just going like black people lack the i can't say it because people cut this up and make me look like fucking hitler there's he just was like i it was like he came here from a fucking other like like, in a time machine. And Ted Koppel was just sitting there. What a head of hair, Ted Koppel. I mean, he just was just, I mean. Yeah.

The shit just swooped down. I'd love to have that hair. You still got a lot left. What are you talking about? I think you look good, man. I sit next to you, I look like an old tomato. I should have been picked, but wasn't. Wait, so wait it would be cool to see come back and with no idea of cancel culture or anything and just be like

so wait what are your views on jews and he's like ah i can't trust them you can't trust them right right guys like looking around going this is how we talked in the when i died where my wasps at where my wasps we're still running shit, right? Yeah. But you know, it just goes to show you how complex people are. What the fuck, you could have all

of that fucking hatred in him and then he could still make all those wonderful cartoons that made kids cry. Yeah. What a weird, I was always impressed by the idea that

a grown man would be like, I want you guys to invest money in this Mickey Mouse, and then we'll have a big thing where kids walk through the thing. It's such a childish way to view the world, but to try to get money from guys that are like, back then they were men. They were a little stuffer, and they're like, oh, we'll make a Western. He's like, no, no, no. You get in a boat, and it takes you around the world and you see around the world.

Just how hard that must have been to pitch. A theme park might have been hard, but exploiting child labor, I don't think was difficult. The theme park part must have been hard to pitch. Because the Little Rascals, I mean, I mean, they paid all of them once and then that was it. Here's the myth is did Bill Cosby buy the Little Rascals? That's a myth. Really? From what I researched on the internet,

which involved asking the question and clicking on the first answer and taking that as law. He did not do it. I haven't seen it. The Little Rascals? Oh, yeah. How sad is it when Spanky gets old?

He got old? Well, yeah, they still had him. He went from this cute little kid and he just became sort of this fat fuck. I never really watched Little Rascals much. I was an Abbott and Costello guy. 14 or 15. Cosby didn't buy it.

He didn't? Did not buy it. Jesus. What other myths are there? Generally speaking. Yeah, I like these debunking, like Gerbil and Richard Gere's ass. generally speaking. Yeah, I like these, I like these, like, debunking, like, gerbil in

Richard Gere's ass. We're, like, doing the moron Joe Rogan podcast where Joe actually does these fucking highbrow conspiracies. We're doing the exact opposite.

Half-researched concepts. Was there or was there not? Did you ascertain that there was a gerbil in his edge? Rod Stewart had a gallon of cum pumped out of his stomach. Well, I mean, come on. You can't have a gallon of anything in your fucking stomach. Yeah, you can. Huh?

Yeah. What have you done, you fucking weirdo? I've had a gallon of water. I drank a gallon of water. Oh, Jesus. I was hanging on that sentence. You said I drank a gallon of jizz? Is this part of your Florida State frat initiation?

Yeah. Gallon of jizz. Those were like the ones that you heard when you were a kid. You're like, oh, it had to be true. Alfonso Riviera broke his neck doing the Michael Jackson video. Remember that Coca-Cola where he did the head spin? Do you remember that? They said he died? And they said he broke his neck doing a michael jackson video remember that coca-cola where he did the head spin oh they said he died and they said he broke his neck doing a head spin so your parents like do not do head spins okay those are those are all myths i never heard that one oh yeah that was a

big one that michael jackson pepsi commercial that was not a big one oh if it was a big one i would have heard big in your area down there in gainesville on your fan boats hey you know what hey guess who came to see me do stand up this weekend um what you are seem excited let me i want to guess what the the dude from the fucking uh xfl the xfl came out oh you know what's funny? I fucking ran into that blonde-haired kid, Sunbird. Oh, yeah? We went to an XFL game. Yeah? It was the XFL Wildcats versus the fucking Dallas Renegades. Yeah.

It was awesome. We had a great time. It was awesome. We have notes, though. I have notes. We do have notes. Yeah. I have notes on other sports, too.

Go ahead. Oh, okay. Do you want to start with other sports? No, let's go with XFL. Okay. How would you sell this game? Ooh, that you just sold. That's how you sell TV shows.

Yeah. You just go like this. I was like, wow, this is going to be some deep shit. Number one, let's talk recruiting. We came up with this together. I think you should recruit out of the college conference that is in your area. For instance, say you have a team playing out of Tampa. I would recruit from USF, Miami, Florida State, and Florida.

And have all your players, the bulk of your players, your starters, spend your money for the big quarterback. And that automatically gives that region of the country pride. Yeah. Like our college players that didn't quite make the NFL, the CFL, are fucking, you know, this is how good they are. They could probably, in one year, they could probably beat the Bears. Yeah.

And I'll tell you why. This is why. Because as we're flipping through the brochure, the thing, I saw a player on the Wildcats from Florida State, Whitfield, and my instinct was, oh, I want to go get his jersey. That'd be a fun jersey to wear.

People are like, are you a fan of his? I go, yeah, I went to Florida State. That's where I went to school. So they should do that. I'm going to wear the XFL one to the Florida State game. Yeah. Confuse people. And then when you do that, that's a big sports thing.

Like, wow, man. This guy goes deep. It would be, but it would make college, when they did the draft for the XFL and they went live, you'd want to hope

to see that your college guys got on the local team so you could support the local team. Yeah. That was number one. That's my number one note. My second note is,

stop playing to win. We don't care if you win. Play to play. They should have made it more exciting. Yes. Because it was this big thing that you could have two forward passes on a play, which you cannot do in the NFL. So, I mean, it's basically the halfback option.

But I wanted to see it. So I wanted them to design plays around the fact that you can throw the ball twice as long as you're behind the line of scrimmage, right? Yeah. I would even open it up that you could fucking do it past the line of scrimmage. That's a different thing. I would too. All right?

I'd also allow a helmet to helmet. Within 15 yards of the line of scrimmage on the other side, enemy territory, you can throw. And then the fun they could have designing plays. What I saw at that game, God damn it, Bert Kreischer, was I saw a bunch of coaches trying to get back into the NFL.

It's not what I wanted to see as a fan. Remember, I was yelling that. The whole game he was going, do the double pass! Double pass! That's what we came here for! Yeah, we want to see you play. And then that one referee, hey, red hat. Yeah.

Red hat. What was the guy with the red hat? I don't know why. He wouldn't answer me. Why is your hat red? Yeah, I would play to play. Make the game as exciting as possible. Every league that is fucking end up getting absorbed into the league that already existed

did that. The AFL did that. Stop pointing at me, Bert Kreischer. You're right. The AFL did that. Stop pointing at me, Bert Kreischer. You're right. The AFL did it. They just, they had the fucking different looking ball. They fucking went to the air. Yeah.

Isn't that the beginning of the West Coast offense? The West Coast offense began with the Bengals when they had Bill Walsh. Oh, really? Because they had a quarterback, was actually a great quarterback, and they designed it around his skill set. There's a very interesting story with the Bill

Walsh. See, when you go like this, that means you want to talk about stuff. So he was under Paul Brown. Paul Brown got forced out by the fucking Cleveland Browns. Paul Brown was the NFL, so then he started a franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals, and that's why their initial helmet

looked sort of like the Browns, where it didn't say Bengals on enough, didn't say anything at first, it was just sort of a burnt orange rather than that orange, then like, that's two symbols, similar, so he said, fuck it, so he put the Bengals thing on there, so one of the guys he had underneath him was Bill Walsh, Bill Walsh worshipped Paul Brown, and he fucking came up with this offense, and they won, and everything was great, and they had a quarterback who would have been one of the greats, but he fucked up his arm. I believe that. I read this story a while ago. So anyways, he came up with the West Coast offense when he was there. Okay. And when it came time that Paul Brown was stepping down, Bill Walsh thought he was the guy and he passed over him.

Devastated him. Not only did he pass over him, he said that he didn't think that he spread this thing around the NFL. So I guess he couldn't get a job somewhere else because he knew he was good, maybe. I don't know. He said that he didn't have the mental stability to be a head coach. Devastated Bill Walsh. Really? So he left. He went to Stanford, immediately made them a winner,

and did so well that his next NFL job was with the 49ers. And that was when they had Steve DeBerg and OJ Simpson and Jim Plunkett, I think. And then the next year in the draft, they picked in the top 10 or whatever, and then that's when they got Joe Montana. So 1981 comes along. San Francisco 49ers. Who are they playing in the Super Bowl?

Cincinnati Bengals. And they said to Bill Walsh, they go, does this game have any more special meaning because you're playing the Cincinnati Bengals? He goes, nope, it's just another game. I have respect for the Bengals, Paul Brown. He said what he had to say. And then the very first play of the game,

he called a classic Paul Brown play that they never use in the NFL anymore. That was the first play of the game. That was his tip of the cap and his fuck you to Paul Brown. And then he went out and kicked their ass and got his first ring. What a story. Did I tell that perfectly? You did.

I think I did. I think that's going to be very clippable. And just post it right in. West Coast offense defined by Bill Burr. Perfect. All right. What other notes do you have for the XFL? Yeah, that's what I would do.

What you have to do is you cannot, if you're just going to play NFL football, it's not going to be as fast because it was noticeably slower. All right? And it's not going to be exciting. It's just going to look like, you know, it's like you went from the IROC Z and now you've got the Rally Sport with the fucking V6 engine.. You still got the same shape of the car, but it's not going

anywhere. Right. So what they have to do is they have to be doing batshit crazy stuff that does not happen in the NFL. And that will get guys on ESPN. All of those guys go, oh, you don't see very often. They're going to fucking be talking about it in the highlights. OK? And corporate sponsors. Here's what we do with corporate sponsors. You get big names like Pepsi. And you say to Pepsi, who's your best football player?

We're going to put him in the game as quarterback until they can take him out. And then Pepsi throws in money. Go, today's quarterback for the starting of the game is brought to you by Pepsi. This is a CEO, John Witherspoon. That was a bad name. I should have picked something else. What, you'd take a non-football player and put him in there? You can't do that. Lit the fuck up.

He dropped back. It doesn't look like they're blocking this one. I would make that the halftime show. You make the bottom six players on each team either block or try to kick the shit out of the guy. And it's a guy from the crowd. And if he can survive four minutes of XFL football, he gets a brand new Dodge Stratus.

They should put a backpack full of money on him and say, you can keep this backpack. Put him in the 50-yard line. Put players in each corner and go, if you can keep that backpack on put them in the 50 yard line, put players in each corner and go, if you can keep that backpack on for one minute and 30 seconds, you get to keep that money. But if any of them can get it off you, it's theirs. And the guy like that, I got, I got, I got, you have to improve on that, right?

Yeah. You put it in there all loose, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Right. You put it in loose and then he has to have it unzipped on top. And the only way, whatever money they can knock out, they get to keep, they get to split. And whatever money is left in the bag, this guy gets to keep. All right. You put extra pad. He

signs a fucking waiver. This is just halftime shows here. This is how, this is how much we've thought about this league and what it needs to do. Oh, halftime shows. I've already, I'm pitching them a halftime show.'m oh yeah oh yeah is it gonna be kind of like remember when the milwaukee brewers back in the day would hit a home run and then they had that big titted chick slid down a slide into a keg of beer no i don't remember that no that was fucking great fucking awesome it is fucking awesome there needs to be some of that back yeah they need to do they need A little sexism goes a long way. A little bit of a hint to what it used to be like.

Yeah. Just like... A nod to the past. Yeah. Hipsters are fucking always growing mustaches and shit and putting wax in it. You know? You don't see me getting offended by that.

I don't understand why these feminists would be upset if some big-titted whore slides down a fucking water slide into a big keg of uh what's supposed to be beer while children watch that would be they should do that literally just real quick all right this is halftime and then a big slide comes out from the scoreboard into set into the center and we go all right here we go and then she just comes sliding from the scoreboard down to the center. I love it. Fucking love it. Plus, because I think feminism's out of control and needs to be taken down a peg. I'll give you a great example. I was fucking in the supermarket, right?

Okay. Completely emasculated, doing the food shopping, doing the cooking, washing the dishes. I don't know what happened in my life. So I'm fucking in the grocery store. Okay. A what place when when i was a kid only broads went there no um so i'm i'm i'm i forget what the fuck i was trying to find but like right across from me was the fish department so there's this lady there this older lady like you know i don't know 50 60 like fucking my age right and she fucking goes uh she asked for a couple salmon fillets and then she just looks back she goes is that a woman working back there oh my god congrats all loud so everybody could hear i've been coming here for 30

years i've never seen a woman cutting up congratulations. Like she fucking won the presidency. I want to be like, lady, do you think any of those guys want to work back? This is a shit fucking job. Why don't you go be a fucking garbage collector and hang off the... I don't understand why every fucking thing that they do has to be like... I mean, she didn't catch the fish. I'm so upset my voice is cracking. It's just annoying.

I wanted to be like, hey, honey, you know what? I'm the first guy that was getting the shit kicked out of his girlfriend, called the cops, and when they showed up, they actually arrested her. Yeah.

Where's my medal? That never happened. But I just, you know, I know it's happened. It sure has. It just annoyed me that, not that she said it, that she was trying to say it loud enough so everybody else heard it. And this is the fucking idiocy of the left right now. Is they think if they do that and then they do that loud, that makes you come on board.

It doesn't. It just makes you feel like you're being lectured. Like, do you know like those fucking people who like talk really cute and loud to their kids? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, why, no, Jeffrey, you can't have more marshmallows. And they fucking look over at you. I'm supposed to be like, oh, the kid's so cute.

And you're such a great parent. Like, that's a bad example with the marshmallows. But they talk like super loud. And it just makes you want something bad to happen to them. Woman, and we were eating lunch at Georgetown at Clyde's. I remember when women weren't allowed in Georgetown. Continue. And she said, she gave me my thing, and she goes, there you go, honey.

And I went, hey, thank you. Like, it was kind of nice that she said that. I was like, hey, thanks for two strangers for throwing out a little bit of a love line to me. A little pet name. And then she came back and I said, can I get another Diet Coke? She goes, anything you want, lover.

And I went, goddammit, I'm into this. I was like, this makes me feel really good. And then I smacked her on the ass. I was like, hey, toots. And she stabbed me. No. No, I know what you mean, though. But it was like, I was really touched that in... It's almost like telling an

off-color joke to someone at work that you don't know. It was like she was taking... She was extending an olive branch, like, I'm gonna say stuff that we're not allowed to say and i'm gonna i'm looking at you going but when are women allowed to say that i don't think anyone's allowed to say that anymore i think women are specifically white women i think they can kind of do whatever they want to do there's a black woman there's a black woman yeah

there's a black woman there goes that theory yeah well i think definitely black women are definitely allowed to say how many times that happens to me today? I just build the whole story. And it's just like, actually, this fact. And the whole thing falls to the ground. Oh, I read a story. And then I'll go, wait, was that guy Mexican? And they're like, why would you say that? Like, well, I don't know.

You said that he didn't have allergies. And I just assume no Mexican guys have allergies. Why? Because they do a lot of yard work they do, I'd assume. Well, that's the first thing I thought with your theory. Yeah? Well, I was trying to think. I try to get inside get inside your head man which is a scary place to be i was like why would burt think that mexicans don't have allergies because they i mean i just you never see them out there with

an asthma inhaler like but any white guy if he's doing the yard has got a fucking asthma inhaler got a fucking flow nays maybe maybe taking a claritin maybe their culture it's too macho to admit that you have allergies no no no no no no i just think they're i think they they got rid of the tail it's it's uh it's the next level it's they've they've leveled up i used to have a theory do you have a tail i don't understand no meaning like you know you don't need your tail your your append know, you don't need your tail. You're appendicitis. You don't need your appendicitis.

So then some people... You don't need your appendix. Oh, yeah, appendix. Fuck, this is... By the way, I'm glad I cut myself off before I told you my next theory. No, I like this. About autism. I feel like autism is leveling up.

It's like autistic people don't like to interact with people. And that's where we're going. It's like, you're on your phone, don't call me. I don't know, why would you FaceTime me? I think it's from the food. Really? Yeah. I just think it's, I think it's not natural.

What's it called when you don't need your appendix anymore? You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. I don't know what the word is for it. It's like, it's the quickening. Obsolete. The quickening. It's autism at the next level of what's going to. I don't know what the word is for it. It's like, it's the quickening. Obsolete. The quickening. It's autism at the next level of what's going to...

Are you referencing movies now? Yeah, yeah. Evolution? What? It's evolution. It's evolution. Is that... Don't fucking go.

It's evolution. Like you knew. No, I'm just... You had a fucking phone a friend. I don't like the way you just said that. It's evolution. It's evolution. It's evolution.

Like, the only thing you need is you just need to tag that with Jesus Christ. By the way, I don't mean to discount the hardship you may have had raising an autistic kid. This is fucking spinning out of control. My point is, it's, like, I just, it's all started with writing. I got a question for you. Go, please. Do Romans actually eat grapes, or is this just what we saw in Hollywood? There was always some guy wearing this shit, whatever the fuck is which i think is backwards isn't it doesn't it isn't supposed

to go around oh yeah it goes this way it goes like this yeah like the early silent films right let me see that the early silent films they always had some powdered white dude right and he would fucking have this thing on and then he would be sitting there just fucking eating the grapes. Yeah. And what I want to know, because the same way they said that Native Americans played a drum like... Yeah, they didn't? Did not. Really?

According to my brother who went on a Native American tour in Arizona. He goes, Native Americans play a drum like this. They might play it like that. But under, Native Americans play a drum like this. They might play it like that, but under no circumstances would they play it like this. And everybody laughed because they knew what they were talking about. I think there's a lot of shit. As much as Hollywood likes to preach at us

during their fucking awards ceremonies, I don't know. I think it looks better this way. You don't want to see what's going on here, buddy. For as much as they're sitting there preaching at everybody, like they've created a lot of the fucking stereotypes. Oh, a hundred percent. You know, I mean, you went that thing with the Mexicans and the landscapers, right? And I was right on board because we both watched Chico and the man and he was Puerto Rican, but that doesn't matter to toxic white males. Puerto Rican, but that doesn't matter to toxic white males. Oh, God.

By the way, speaking of that, I don't want to say any names or anything, but there's a guy. We're not going to say the name because I don't know if it's allowed. You know you can't fucking promote anything anymore that you know something's being made? You don't fuck this whole conversation. Wait, tell me what's going on.

I'm nervous. My hand's shaking. Tell me what's going on. No, I can't. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. My hand's shaking. My hand's shaking. Tell me what you're going to say. I can't. Why? Because I don't want to fuck up his deal. Or is it her? Or is it a they? It might be.

It might be. I had a theory this weekend that I was saying. Hey, are these Roman colors? Is that why USC took them? Is that why they're the Trojans? No, but these are colors that match common dyes of the time. Oh. Did you really do that much research? A little bit. A little bit? Common dyes of the time?

That's way more research than I would have done. Lucky Charms was that big? It's just a nod to March. No, that was because they probably took over Ireland next. Yeah. Did we just lose a light? I think we did. We lost a light. I haven't had Lucky Charms in forever. These are fucking good. I can't eat them.

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Ah, every time I get up off the couch, my Achilles feel like they're going to snap and fucking go up like a shade underneath my ass there. My sleep on the left side of my body, oh, I just felt it right there. Yeah. And it's all in my neck. And then I grind my teeth. And so then all this ties up into a knot. And what, your wife punches you in the neck to loosen it up? No, actually, swear to God, we use this cryo-freeze CBD. All right, let me tell you about it. Enter Omax Health. Oh, Max. If you're looking to get rid of nagging muscle and joint pain immediately while providing long-lasting recovery,

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I was in great shape last year when I did a movie and I'm not drinking, but then I quit smoking. And then I, you know. Then that's where you start. Then it's like, I need a rush, man. I need a rush. What do you do for exercise? Stress.

Grind my teeth. Grind my teeth. Well, my shoulder's been fucked up so what i really do is i just try to eat healthy and stop eating past a certain amount of i just want to take this and fucking throw it you know you know what i don't like about what i've done with my life is i feel like you get a certain amount of fun days in your life and i've used them all up unless unless you want to just check out in your late 50s or early 60s which if you watch a lot of old movies the way i do um a lot of people died then but they had a great time yeah they were smoking unfiltered fucking camels they were having a steak if they

could afford it and they would just fucking afternoon hey you look a little hey how about you know pull out a little bottle of scotch here would you have a couple of belts i couldn't i couldn't do that i wouldn't be able to drink like when you look at like don draper on mad men i couldn't drink in the morning the way they did i i would be a fucking mess well that was a tv show so he didn't drink like nobody but men did drink like that i gotta you know i think without any research that people definitely it was boozing at work was way more acceptable i love that one of them just fell down onto your neck and your shoulder it's just uh i should just anyway i i feel like there was there's always i think back then if you didn't have a drink until lunchtime, you didn't have a problem.

Yeah. So I think if you woke up and your first thing, you know, you woke up your wife to the sound of making a fucking martini, you know? I think that that was when your wife back then would be like, what's going on with you? Then you took off the belt. How dare you question me? Right. I think if you didn't drink until noon, I think if you didn't have a drink at noon, there was probably something considered like you weren't a man. Have you ever been, have you ever had a drink at noon? Like a drink? Oh, didn't I tell you I used up all my fun days? No, but no, but did you ever go out in Hollywood, meeting at lunch, and have a cocktail at lunch? Bert, who are you talking to?

Did you really? I can't do that. Oh, my God. I have a hard time with that. Now, don't get me wrong. I can have a drink at the airport in the morning. Oh, you can't. Okay.

Yeah, I love that. I love to have a couple drinks in the morning, get on the plane, pass out, sleep the whole flight, wake up, come home, sauna, run. I mean, that's what it's about. Yeah. What were you going to say? Your first TV show you sold? First TV show I pitched was called Day Drinking.

Really? No. It worked better if I said it when I was going to say it, but I'm trying not to interrupt something I do a lot. Oh, that's okay. I used to have like, they would be like, I would just carve out a lot. Oh, that's okay. I used to have like, they would be like, I would just carve out a day.

This was before me and my wife had a kid. We'd just fucking go out and just get fucked up this afternoon. My wife's so cool, she'd be like, yeah. And we would just go and there was this place that either had burgers or wings. If you had bad food, we'd take a cab over. This is how long I've been with my wife.

And then we would just fucking get fucked. But I always get more fucked up than she did. My wife's really good at just getting a buzz and fucking... She goes, I like that. She goes, I'd like to just have a buzz, enjoy it. And I go, and I have another buzz. And she goes, I'm not like you.

She's like, you like to get faded. And I was like, what? You you mean fucked up, you know? And I do. Like, that's my problem. I'm not addictive. I just, if I'm going to fucking do something, I'm going to do it. Well, there's no reason.

I can never understand the people who chase a dragon like that, who would have a, get a little buzz, let it go up, and then it'd go away, and then get a little buzz, let it go up and go away. I'm someone that, I'm very much on... That's not chasing. Chasing the dragon is when you're an addict, isn't it?'t no chasing the dragon is is smoking it's a way of smoking heroin but i call that chasing the dragon of like well so you just take expressions and then you just mean what they

mean and then you use them then the listener is supposed to fucking jump on board i like that yeah you like it but like i i like to get a buzz and then get that buzz and then pass out yeah that's that entails keeping going. Yeah. Well, yeah. Like if you were a race car driver. I can't have a beer at lunch. I'll never have a beer at lunch.

Like if everyone's getting beers and they want a beer, I'll go, no. Is everyone going to have four? And they're like, no, we're just going to have one. I go, I'll have Diet Coke. Yeah, because if I just have one, I'm going to go to sleep. Yeah. What the fuck's the point of one beer? i just kind of feel off center like that doesn't make sense to me i agree with that so i could not i could never be one of those guys in the 40s and

50s that would go out to lunch and go yeah let me get a martini and then go back to work i'd be like nah let's do you know i did the other day was I actually had a cigar. I had one because I just decided like because I was putting on fucking weight, which is probably worse than what's not as worse as smoking 20 cigars a month. Let's be honest. But I was kind of like, all right, I can't take all of this shit away. I have to learn how to control myself. Yeah. how to control myself yeah so i was like all right what if once every two three months if there's a special occasion i just have a cigar all right so or if it's a beautiful sunset or if i just feel i deserve it yeah there we go there we go there's i forget that was my favorite thing ever where you just fucking said that you have little bowls of fun stuff to eat around your house it's fucking hilarious to me that's such like there's one right here it's like it's like such an old school thing my grandmother did that i thought it was the

coolest fucking thing ever i'd come over to her house and she had little like peanuts and candy and just little and these really like decorative little bowls and then she'd break out the cars like crazy just start dealing and fucking kick our ass yeah and could just sort of nibble as we were like ah like eating all this shit she she was like jackie gleason in the hustler where he's like all right let's play some pool remember that yeah and pa And Paul Newman's all fucked up. Yeah. She could, she could hold herself together. So anyway, so Verzi was in town and he wanted to go to a Laker game. He wanted to see their latest batch of free agents that they just fucking bought. So the NBA is the worst. They've sold their soul to the super team. So I'm looking at all these guys. Oh, look at that Pelican. Look at that fucking Cavalier. Look at that fucking Houston Rocket, right?

They're all wearing those colors now, right? So, you know, they're playing the 76ers, and, like, they have two best players, Joel and Beep, and the other dude didn't show up, you know, because my theory, they're off. They're fucked out. They came to L.A.

They were there the night before. Yeah. You know, whoever their favorite show is, they call the starlet, and she comes over and bangs them all night because they're all, all these celebrities out here, they're the starlet and she comes over and bangs them all night. Because they're all, all these celebrities out here, they're all Laker fans. So the celebrity women out here take one for the team as they go out and they fuck the best player.

That's what they do. It's a very old school thing. You know it's true. You know it's true. I agree. I'm on board. I'm whispering so you know it's true. Yeah.

So, you haven't noticed that? Like when the fucking Bruins come here right if they're playing back to back ducks kings they they're gonna shit the bed the next day when they play the kings they're gonna get their fucking asses kicked because they're all fucked up and they try to keep the teams down at hermosa beach so they they you know they're away from the whores but whores have cars this is this is a car city they fucking drive down there, and they, which came, they fuck these guys, and they keep them up all night long. And then the next day, they're like a fucking scratch, or they don't fucking show up.

Yeah. That's a brilliant fucking theory. Yeah, they're fucked out. Sweet. So go back to the cigar. So anyway, so it's just like, you know, it's like there was nobody on the sixes, even though they were playing. So then the Lakers are just like, well, this isn't any fun.

So then they weren't playing. Yeah. And then finally they fucking, what's his face? Anthony Davis just decided that he was going to end the game at the first half. He just fucking went off. He scored like 12 points in a row. Monster dunks. I mean, for today's game, monster dunks.

Back in the day, you had to go. It's amazing how fast they are. You had to go into the trees back in the day, man. You go into the fucking trees you don't have to do that now nobody's allowed to stand in the paint everybody fucking clears out and then if you're the only guy in the paint you're like i don't want to be on instagram and they just run out of there they run out of there i don't want to be on it yeah and then get a dick to the face yeah yeah yeah and then they fucking then they put some fucking the fucking rap music and shit underneath. Oh, look at this fucking monster jam.

On who? And they'll be like, he dunked on this guy. He's getting out of the way. Yeah. So this is what the fuck I'm watching. This is the product that the NBA's giving me. But basketball, okay.

I like where you're pointing. You're pointing up now. Yep, yep. You're pointing at me. Out of all the sports, when you watch them live, up front, up close, which is the quickest sport?

Hockey. It's gotta be hockey is the quickest sport? Hockey? It's got to be hockey, right? Hockey's pretty fucking fast-paced. But still, NBA, we went to a Knicks game, sat up close, and it was, you're amazed at how quick those, James Harden, James Harden is. If you put white guys on skates,

they can be as fast as black guys in sneakers. That is the most, that's a t-shirt, if I've ever seen a fucking t-shirt white guys on skates are almost as fast as black guys in sneakers it's amazing that they haven't taken over hockey yet i know right i'm still waiting because it's like what are they gonna do to take this thing to the next level what are they gonna show that is i mean how many sports do they have to do it with before you just got you got to give it up before they even get there.

It's like France when Germany showed up. All right, forget it. All right, we get it. You get it, you know? Is that a liquid-cooled machine gun? All right, it's Paris.

Jesus Christ. You guys are operating on a whole other level. Go back to the cigar. Oh, so. Is that a liquid-cooled machine gun? That's what they had back in World War II.

I know, yeah. If you killed, if you killed a German guy, right, which back then, I had a K1-1 crop guy, see? Right? The greatest generation. We're all fucking racist, right? So they...

So they'd fucking kill him, and then it's just like, you're not going to keep your fucking, you know, the American machine gun where someone's got to stand in the front and crank it to start it up, right? They had, like, you know on the american machine gun where someone's gonna stand in the front and crank it to start it up right they had like you know just imagine a porsche was a gun i mean that's what they had yeah these guys they were making jets you know there's a lot of stuff out there

about the bad things that they were doing but as far as like nerds those people that like you know they were sort of the original steve jobs coming out with the turtleneck and the new balance. Going, once now we have audio tape. So anyways, I'm at the Lakers game. Yeah. And so we got these VIP things, right? So they fucking bring us down, right? Because nobody fucking showed up, right?

Diane Cannon, no one fucking showing up. Joel, she fucked him. Joel Embiid being like, right? So they fucking bring us down, right? Cause nobody fucking showed up, right? Diane Cannon, no, no, no fucking showing up. Joel, she fucked him. Joel and B being like, right? She did her part.

Lakers are going to win. Yeah. She can take a night off, right? No disrespect. Um, so they're like, all right,

let's take this douchebag from fucking comedy central. So they took me down in there. And then the woman who took us in the back, it was fucking, it was this little closed off area with some sandwiches or whatever. And they said, you know, there's a cigar bar here in the Staples Center. How do they get the fuck out of here?

And I see Verzi looking at me. You know the deal. Somebody you used to fucking carouse with cleans up his act. You're happy for him, but there's a sadness. And I already wasn't drinking, so I was just like, all right. Was Verzi drinking?

I was smoking cigar. Well, I mean, not the way we drink. Yeah. He was drinking responsibly. So we went in there to smoke a cigar. I just picked a smaller one, and I had it. And, you know, what was hilarious was this crazy Russian dude in there, right? This little guy who was fucking drunk or whatever,

just being Russian and fucking being fun to be around you know it's like your machine story they're just they're fucking fun people right so he's being all loud and all of this shit but he was like a comedian where he would like just argue the other side and i just think i was in the cigar mindset where i was just fucking chilling and i was talking it was this great laker fan a r, who knew the history, who would ride it out during the dark times and knew the history. So I was talking to him, and I was saying, you know, of course we go back to the 80s, how great those fucking Celtics and Lakers battles were.

They were fucking insane, right? So I was saying, you know, I got to admit, man, I'm just not a fan of the Staples Center. Like, not only how far away the fans are, but how quickly, 20 rows up, how far back you are. And then those brownstones of fucking luxury box suites. And then all the real fans way the fuck up there. Like, I mean, I couldn't hit a fucking golf ball, I don't think. Well, I could do that, but you know what I mean. Yeah.

How far away they are. I was saying, I like the four room better, man. The four room, it was like no upper deck. You just fucking, it was so loud. They were on top of the game. But you could only seat, like, what, 20,000? Well, the staples center doesn't hold more than that for real yeah well all of that space is used up for fucking luxurious horseshit so i was saying this and then i was going i just think the forum was better i miss in venues like that it was a better venue and then the russian guy goes he's like you know i would argue that and i was like and i don't know what happened i

just went you know what i agree with you before he even got his argument out like i agree with you and then he still presented his argument and i just was just like i go that's amazing i never looked at that way thank you for for giving me that information i can't believe i was walking around without it right so the laker fan is fucking laughing because he knows what i'm doing this happened like six more fucking times and i just kept agreeing with this guy i didn't get into the dumb argument yeah nothing and it's it's that's my new shit oh my new shit i haven't i it's but i mean i'm hardwired to argue so i'm trying to do that somebody beeped at me the other day and i just went i know right. Yeah. Dude, if somebody pulls up next to you,

what the fuck are you fucking doing? I know, I know, you're right. You're right. What was I thinking? What do you say to that? It was like, all right, well, try to do better. What are you going to do? I wonder if you did that. I wonder if you did that.

If you could apply that across the board. How much happier my life would be? How much happier you'd be. How many more people would like you? Incredible. If you were trying to merge onto the 134 from the 101, and you just gave some space. So if people... I always do that. I get

so upset when people scoot all, drive all the way up to the front of the line on the 405, getting onto the 405 off the 101, and they go all the way, like they're going to Sacramento, and they're like, fuck it, LAX. And you're like... This is what I say. I always go, nice move.

I've done that. I've never done it. I won't do it. I refuse to do it. What are you, a fucking preacher? No, I... That's like what a preacher does. It makes me nervous.

All right. Well, I don't let people in every time, like I said. Most of the times I do, and the reason why I do it is not for them. It's for me. It keeps me in a calm mindset. Going over Laurel Canyon, on the top of Mulholland,

you can, there's two lanes. Now you point like this. It started with this. Then you improved it to this. Now you're getting back to your bad habits. There's two lanes. One is must turn right. And one is straight.

And if you go at like 10 o'clock, this straight line is all the way down. And you see people hauling ass all the way up to the front and then they just try to get over at the last minute. Oh, that fucking drives me nuts. I am the kind of person who gets in the very back and just waits it and goes, this is what traffic is. I don't.

This is why I left early. I don't. I take a shot. Do you really? Oh, your heart starts racing. Are they going to let me in? Is there going to be a gap? I should have taken that gap. I'm going for another. I'm getting greedy. Am I getting too greedy? Keep going. Keep going. There'll be a gap. There'll be a gap up there. Am I going to fuck up

the underside of my car driving up over this curve under the grass? You're like Leanne. Leanne just does that. Goes all the way to the front. What are you doing? She goes, it's fine. There's always an opening. Parking, do you go to park closest to where you're, do you look for a close spot or do you just go? I just take whatever's available. I take whatever's fucking there. I go, sometimes I'll even park a little further away. Low self-esteem. That's what that is.

For real? Oh my God, I can't believe you like me. I will date you for three years before I actually get in touch with my emotions. That's what I did a long fucking time. Really? Fucking idiot. Yeah, until I finally was just like, what am I looking for?

And then I met my wife. So... But a lot of my life is the first thing that comes to you. If you want to pay top dollar for a car... This is insane. This is insane. Have me negotiate you for a car. Really? I just don't care i just go in

i don't have the energy yeah okay he's happy he made a bunch of money off of me i'll go do an extra gig i don't give a yeah i don't care i didn't negotiate at all for this truck we bought i just he said i said how much is it and he told me and i went that's awesome i'll have my business manager call you. And he was like, huh? Dude, you know what I do that with? I do that with cops. When they pull me over.

100%. I go, total honesty. Yep. Do you know why I pulled you over? I had one, I don't think I've told this story in this. Do you know why I pulled you over? I go, yep. And he goes, why?

I go, because I made an illegal U-turn. He goes, yes. And why did you do that? I go, because. And he goes, why? I go, because I made an illegal U-turn. He goes, yes. And why did you do that? I go, because I'm impatient. I didn't want to wait in that line in the post office. I thought if I just spun around here. He goes, you know, you could hurt somebody. I was like, yeah. He goes, then why did you do that? That's when I said, I go, because I'm impatient and I'm trying to work on that. And he goes, you know, I can give you a tick for that. And I said, well, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't. And he goes, well, I'm not because I'm busy.

And I said, you're awesome. And then he laughed and he walked away. And these are the experiences white men have with police officers. I just realized like halfway through that, that nobody of color has a story like that. Nobody. I wasn't doing anything. I pulled in. I wasn't doing anything. I pulled in.

He came up to my car. I pulled into Burbank to pick up my parents. We were driving, I want to say, to Palm Springs. So the car was packed, pulled in, and I pulled into the bottom parking garage into a handicapped spot. And I was just waiting. And a cop came up.

But it's a white guy in a chair. So I think, yeah. Yeah. The cop came up very angry and he said, uh, do you, do you have any idea? Do you, do you, why would you park here? And I said, I'm just waiting. So I'm just waiting for my parents are coming out and my parents now are there and my dad is there.

My dad's a lawyer and he goes, uh, he was, do you know how much that ticket is? I could actually write you a ticket. And I said, then by all means, please do. And he went, excuse me? That's a little flippant. I go, no, sir. I go, I didn't realize I was breaking the law, but I did. And if I get a ticket of it, that's because I fucked up. So I apologize. I can say I'm sorry and I'm moving right now, but if you need to write me a ticket, you can write me a ticket. I'll

understand that. And he went, what are you trying to say? And I went, I'm moving right now, but if you need to write me a ticket, you can write me a ticket. I'll understand that. And he went, what are you trying to say? And I went, I'm saying I fucked up. And if you have to write me a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot, and he goes, do you have any idea how much that ticket is? I go, I'm guessing a lot. And he goes, $700. And I went, okay. And he was like, you're willing to pay $700?

And I was like, well, no, I'm not willing to, but if you're going to write me a ticket, I don't think there's getting out of it. I did what you said I did. I'm here. And he went, and he looked at you're going to write me a ticket, I don't think there's getting out of it. I did what you said I did. I'm here. And he went, and he looked at my dad. And my dad's like, I don't know what's going on. And then he goes, just move your car. And I went, okay, I will.

Yeah. Do you know what it is? A lot of them, they don't want to do the paperwork. I don't, yeah. They don't want to do the paperwork. So you can actually, you know. That's my whole theory with divorce with my wife. She doesn't want to do the paperwork, so she stays with me.

It's a lot of paperwork. It doesn't always work. Because I've been honest with people. And then I got even more of a ticket. How so? Because, you know, I pulled you over. Yeah, because I was speeding. You know how fast you were going?

I was like, yeah, like 82. He goes, that's right. And he goes, is this your current address on your license? And I was like, no, I need to change it. How long you lived at your new address? I said, like a year. And he goes,

I got to write you up for that too. I was like, all right. I was like, get back, I got two tickets. I'm like a gambler. I think I'm down like,

I think I, I want to say I'm up, but I think I'm probably down. But how many tickets do you think you've gotten? Don't listen to this advice. How many tickets do you think you've gotten

in your life? I don't know. I've, um, I don't know if I can tell these stories, but there have been times. Oh, I know one of them. I know one of them. There have been times when. We lost the sponsor. There was a person of authority who did not have a vehicle or was on a compromised vehicle and I knew that they wanted me to pull over and I didn't. Are you serious? I kept going.

Oh, that's a rush, dude. You know what the best ones are to keep going is... I can't do this. You just looked at it and you're like, I can outrun this horse. I can outrun this horse. It's too soon. Oh, it just happened? Well, no, I can outrun this horse. I can outrun this horse. It's too soon.

Oh, it just happened? Well, no, I just outed myself that it happened. All right. Just tell it. Okay. I was in some unnamed city. All right, I'll tell you the first one. Okay.

So I was going to the airport. I thought I had plenty of time to drop the rental car off, right? And then I ran into some fucking traffic. So now I'm stressed, right? I'm fucking cutting people. And I get, I go, okay, at least the fucking rental car thing. Or I need to get gas to fill up the car. I don't know what the fuck it was.

And the way it was, you know, this was like years and years ago. So the way the map was working, it looked like it was on my side of the airport. And it turned out it was all the way on the other side of the airport. then i have to sit in traffic come back in so i was fucking pissed i think it was dropping off the rental car because if it was gas i just say fucking eat the car so i started driving way too fast through the terminal area flying like i'm talking like 45 miles an hour yeah there's people with wheelies running out of the way. But I feel I've been wronged by this technology. So fuck these people and everybody who loves them. I'm taking their lives in my hand because I feel I've been wronged.

So I'm fucking driving like a maniac. And all of a sudden, I just see this cop steps off the curb. What the fuck did he do? He just sort of fucking just, you know, he's got the whole outfit on. Mike. Oh, shit. So he's got the whole fucking outfit on, and he just kind of does like, he just walked out and he pointed at me and then did one of these.

So in that fucking instance, I came up with a plan. I was immediately, my brain was like, we're not stopping I was like all right that's the play it's like quarterback called the play on two on two ready break we're not stopping so I'm like all right what do I do and I just immediately came up don't speed up don't slow down don't look at him if I slow down it's gonna indicate that I saw him if I speed up it does if I stay at the same fucking speed and I just I was sitting there like that and I start seeing he's waving his hand back saw him. If I speed up, it does. If I stay at the same fucking speed, and I just, I was sitting there like that, and I start seeing him, he's waving his, ah, that guy doing this, and I was like,

and he's walking to intercept the car, and it got right up, and I just, and I went right by him, and then, when I looked in the rear view mirror, I didn't even go like that. I just looked like that, and I see, dude, the look on his face. He couldn't believe it. He had the

outfit. He told me to pull over. And I saw him. He does this. This fucking thing. And I was like, ah, fuck. Here they come. But I couldn't stop thinking of his face. And I started laughing, dude. And I was scared because I knew his friends were coming. And it became like, next

person who laughs gets detention. I was in that heightened sense. So I am crying laughing by myself. I can't stop thinking of his face. And I was screaming, get your shit together. Get your shit together. Dying. Yeah.

So I made it to the fucking gas station. And I get out of the car. And I am laughing so hard. The guy on the other side of the pump like peeked over looking at me. Dude, I was like, I was crying to the point it looked like a family member died or something. And at one point I just gave up. I was like, there's no way

I'm going to be able to get my shit together. There's no way. I'm not going to have a shit eating grin. I'm going to jail or whatever the fuck happens when you do this shit. And the weirdest fucking thing happened was nobody came. And then I got in the car. He was bullshitting. He did the weirdest fucking thing happened was nobody came and then i got in the car he was bullshitting he did the fake call he was so surprised fuck i can't believe god damn it i wish i turned this charge this thing this morning fuck he was so surprised

that i did it he wasn't ready the next guy who did it i'm sure he got but he wasn't ready so by the time you know it was earlier in the morning, my license plate, and I fucking flew by this guy. So then I get back in the car, and I'm like kind of a little relieved because they didn't show up. And then I was like, ah, fuck. I was driving back to the airport. I was like, I got to go by this guy again.

How do I pretend to not see this guy again? So, and I'm laughing again, and I'm trying to find Howard Stern as somebody on the fucking radio, that's how long ago it was, when he was still on Terrestrial Radio, like, trying to fucking, so I would have something funny to be laughing at, and fortunately, as I came right where I was going to see him, there was the turn to fucking, so then I got the car, and I'm fucking, oh, fuck, he's up there, and I'm down here, and I'm going through the got the car and i'm fucking oh fuck he's out there and i'm down here and i'm going through the fucking thing and i'm waiting for tsa to stop me and then i got on the plane i was like totally freaking because i don't do shit like this i don't know why i just somewhere

in my my older age i just got that i'm not fucking stopping for you yeah so i ended up getting on the plane and and uh i waited like you know four or five months because there was a license plate. It wasn't my car. Nothing happened. All right. God. So then there's other time. This happens twice. Just keep going.

I don't like people on bicycles that don't share the road and then tell me to share the road. Don't ride out in the middle of the fucking road unless you're going to. Unless there's a reason you're making a left which I get Yeah But you just start pedaling down the fucking road like you're in the middle of a park and there's 20 people behind you That a lot at enough time to get where they're going by car. Don't be a cunt Yeah, just get over and we'll make sure we don't hit you that's sharing the road Yeah, getting out in the middle of the road and fucking slowing everybody down

is you're an asshole. Yeah. So I'm late. So I'm already in a mood and I'm a cunt. So. Yeah. Just setting the table.

So I'm driving. And I'm there tearing up every fucking road in this fucking city. Right. And I got to go do the morning radio, whatever.

I'm mad in detail so it doesn't sound like it's here. And. So. do the morning radio, whatever. I'm mad at detail so it doesn't sound like it's here. And so I fucking get to this green light and I'm psyched because now I know that there's this clear stretch before I have to get back into the teeth of the bullshit. And what happens? These two fucking assholes come out on bicycles

and ride right in the middle of the road. One of them's doing little fucking S's and just acting like they're in their fucking driveway or live on a dead-end street. So I did not even entertain slowing down. The other side of the road was clear, and I was like, look at these fucking jerk-offs. So I just, and I actually drove a little faster

when I went around them, right? And then I looked, and I was like, oh, fuck, are those security guards? They're kind of dressed the same. And then I realized, and I was like, oh, fuck, are those security guards? They're kind of dressed the same. And then I realized, and then I was like, wait, were those cops? Because I think I saw a gun or something. And then when I went by them,

I see them both get out of the seat and start riding at me. And I'm like, oh, fuck. So now I'm driving, right? And they're on bikes this time. And they're out of the saddle. Out of the saddle. And I'm fucking driving.

I'm like, oh, fuck. And then there was like a cement truck, you know, fucking. I was like, ah, fuck. So there's a detour. So I make a fucking left. And once again, I slowly increased. I used my turn signal. But when I turned the turn, I fucking, you know, I got a few feet on them, right?

So they wouldn't get my plate. And then I see them tearing around. You know, the bike's doing that fucking thing as they're riding. And I go around the corner. I go, please be green. Please be green. Please be green. And it was fucking yellow. And I go around the corner. I go, please be green. Please be green. Please be green. And it was fucking yellow.

As I came around the corner, I fucking, wah! And they fucking went right through the fucking light. Woo! Went right through the fucking light. Oh, that's fucking great. Yeah. Stupid. It's a stupid thing to do, but it's fucking fun.

I don't drive enough. I had one time I was going through, I was traveling with a comedian. If they were in a cruiser, I would have pulled over. Yeah. I was traveling with a comedian, and we were flying to Vegas, and I was opening for him, and he was like, hey, man, I want weed when we're there. Will you carry it? And I was like, will you carry it?

And he goes, I can't. I'm famous. If I get caught popped with a weed, it's going to be a big thing. If you get popped with a weed, no one's going to know about it.

It won't be a big deal. Except the cops and the court system. Right, right, right. So I'm like... Unfamous people go to jail every day. So I'm like,

okay. So we're in my car and I have like a quarter ounce of weed and I'm like, we're flying southwest and I'm like, all right,

I'll just fucking, I'll just put it in my like underwear, put it in my pants and then like keep it here. The headliner made you do this? Yeah. And so then I shut the door, I locked my car and at the last minute I go, fuck this. I'm not doing this. I'm not, I don't want to go to jail.

So I take the weed and I throw it in the car. I then go through security with him. He goes through security first. I go and they pop me. They go over to the side. And I went, okay. And now I know I have nothing on me, but he thinks I have something on me. So the guy goes, are you carrying anything illegal? Anything? We're going to do a full body search. And I went, this is before 9-11. And I go, no. And I look at the other guy. And the other guy's got panic in his face. And I start laughing hysterically.

And he's like, and he's like, and the guy stands up. He goes, what's so funny? I said, I was going to bring marijuana through. And if I had, you would have found it. But I didn't at the last minute. And I looked at this guy. I go, I didn't bring the marijuana. And he goes, you didn't? I said, no, no, no. It's in the car. And the guy goes, where's at this guy, I go, I didn't bring the marijuana. And he goes, you didn't?

I said, no, no, no, it's in the car. And the guy goes, where's your car? And I go, I'm not telling you. You're not a cop. He goes, I could be arrested right now for saying you have marijuana. And I was like, no, you can't. And then I go, check me. If I don't have anything, you got to let me go.

And he was like, fine, and just leave. And it was the greatest feeling i couldn't it was that nervous laughter you're like i don't have anything i don't have anything it's that's yeah i flew marijuana into fucking bali on accident dude that's like ganja queen like you're gone punishable by death i flew marijuana into bali I had had it in my cigars. I had a couple joints. And I just threw my cigars in my bag. I get down there.

I'm like, hey, babe. Check this out. I got like a joint. And she fucking lost her shit. She was like, I didn't know it was punishable by death. She goes, it's punishable by death. You could have gotten our entire family killed. So what did you do?

No, they wouldn't kill your whole family. They'd kill you. Just kill me. I would have just gone to jail. But they'd make them watch. Yeah, probably. They'd our entire family killed. So what did you do? No, they wouldn't kill your whole family. They'd kill you. Just kill me. I would have just gone to jail. But they'd make them watch. Yeah, probably. They'd make your family watch. Wait, so did you just bury the joint?

Yeah, in my lungs. You smoked it? Yeah. There was no one around. It was all... What was that high like? It was fun. It was beautiful. We're in the middle of the jungle.

Middle of the jungle. No one's around. Oh, dude. There's always somebody around. It was so fucking We're in the middle of the jungle. Middle of the jungle. No one's around. Oh, dude. There's always somebody around. It was so fucking great. There's always somebody around. Just listen to the jungle just talk to you. It's out of this world.

That was with people watching you. That was the code. You think you would have gotten in panic? I mean, it's like, it's so funny when you don't know you have drugs on you. I flew back from one of these places, wherever I just was, D.C. I flew from D.C. to L.A. with marijuana in my bag, and I didn't know I had it. It was just my bag had been in the tour bus, and there had been this little, like, case of weed, these pre-rolled joints, and I'd gone to do Desus and Miro,

and so I'd put... I love those guys. I love those guys. That's a fun show. I love those guys. Fun show. They're funny as shit. Did you do them when you were promoting Paper Tiger?

Yes. Yeah? Yeah. I bet they love you. I mean, it went well. We never hung up. Hey, well, that's it for this episode of the Bill Burt Podcast. That was good.

Yeah. Hope you guys enjoyed it. None of these stories we told were true. Yeah, please. I want to go back to Bali.