The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 7

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about food spots, false memories, and teaching your kid a second language.

All right. Hey, what's up, everybody? It's time again for another episode of the Bill Pod. And what are we talking about this time? Are we supposed to do like, are we supposed to do a wardrobe change? Ready, ready? I want to talk about things that are exclusive to LA, things that we have in LA that you'd love to see in other cities. Okay. So I'm going to start. Fruit vendors. Bad pizza. Bad pizza? Yep. LA's got-

People are too fat around the country. So if there was more bad pizza, maybe they wouldn't be as fat and it wouldn't be like such a burden on the American tax rate. So wait, do you think L.A. has bad pizza? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, I think L.A.'s pizza is great. Well, it's because you're from Florida.

You don't know any better. Once you've gone to, like, pizza cities and had... So name, okay, top five pizza cities. New York, Chicago. Oh, Jesus. I thought I was doing it. Okay, go ahead. Top five pizza cities. New York, Chicago. Oh, Jesus. I thought I was doing it. Okay, go ahead. Top five pieces.

All right. New York, Chicago, Boston. Boston? Yeah. Boston. The thing about Boston, you got to know somebody though. What do you mean? New York, you can find them. Yeah. Everybody's always going there and making fucking shows about this, that, and the other about New York, about these hidden gems. And then they're no longer hidden, that, and the other, about New York, about these hidden gems. And then they're no longer hidden, right? Yeah. Boston, you got to, like, when I lived there, you had to know people. So basically what they had in Boston was they had those little bar-sized pizzas, the small ones.

And every two to three towns, four towns, there would be a fucking bar that just had the best fucking pizza. And everybody grew up on it so child sense memory like this this pizza is the shit yeah blah blah blah and there would be like battles like who's who had better pizza and like you had loyalty to your pizza at your fucking bar but uh then as you got older and you expand and you travel a little bit like i went to one i'm not going to name it because i don't want to blow it up even though people already know it. This fucking promoter was like,

you're from Massacre? Yeah. He goes, what's your pizza spot? I said, blah, blah. He goes, it's okay.

It's not as good as this other guy. I get the fuck, he goes, oh, the two brothers had a fight and they split. I go, I didn't know that shit.

He goes, yeah. So he sent me just frozen ones out to LA and I stuck it in the oven at 400 degrees and we had, it was fucking unbelievable.

I'm like, now is this unbelievable because I'm in LA or I need to go there and I went there and it was even fucking better what's the name of that piece well I'm not gonna fucking say it why not why blow it up why help it up there's no place to sit in the fucking place oh there's lines around the block it's cash only they're not paying taxes it's good we don't say their names. If I don't stop for cops on bikes, then I'm not going to fucking blow up there fucking not paying taxes. So in Boston, it's little pizza joints like that and it's more neighborhood-y? Yeah. And then in the North End, there's the original Pizzeria Regina, I believe. There's a couple of spots in the North End, but you got to stay off Hanover Street. Hanover Street is the tourist street.

That's the street where back in the day, if you weren't Italian, they'd let you walk down there and get your little fucking cannoli and get the fuck out of here. Do not go off on the side streets because we will kick the shit out of you. That's just how it was. Really? Okay, I want to talk. Okay, let's, let's, I want to- So get off Hanover Street.

I want to talk pizza for a second, but I really want to- It's probably all, they're probably all gone at this point. I really want to talk Boston, so don't let I want to talk pizza for a second, but I really want to- It's probably all- They're probably all gone at this point. I really want to talk Boston, so don't let me forget to talk Boston, okay? Because I just was in Boston. You do a lot of pointing. Yeah, I know. I'm all over the place.

Okay, sweet. Okay, top. Then those are the top two more cities. Boston, Chicago, New York. I had real good pizza in Philly, but Philly is so known for the cheesesteak. Yeah. Where else?

It seems to be like where Italians settled and where they fucking, you know. Have you ever had pizza in Italy? Where there's like humidity. Like there's enough humidity or whatever. Because there's been a bunch of Italian guys who fucking literally straight from Italy flew the water and brought the flour in. They do it

out here and just something happens. Bread isn't as good out here. Yeah. Like Thai food's amazing. Mexican food's amazing. Burgers are amazing. Like whatever. Steaks are amazing. I would say the cuisine as far as that goes is better than New York. Which I never. I would say the cuisine, as far as that goes, is better than New York,

which I never thought it would say that. LA's like ridiculous. I love, you were talking about this the other day, but those little burger places. Oh, yeah. What I love about LA is we've got a lot of like, just like a burger stand. There's one on the corner of,

like it's Riverside and Lancashire, I think. And it's just- There's three burger places I want to take you. Okay, what are they? And we'll just work our way up. I'm not blowing them up. Oh, okay. I want to be able to go there and fucking, okay.

There's the one, all right. That's the first one. I know the one you talked about. And then there's a second one. That's the second one. And then I take you to the third one. And that's the third one. I remember one time-

And I just build them in fucking increments. Have you had Tommy's Burgers? That's the one where they put chili on it. It's like a famous LA burger. You know the last time I had abs? My abs went away. I went into that fucking little streetcar right next to the fucking Saddle Ranch. And I went in there.

Oh, I know that. Is that Carney's Deli? Yeah. And I went in there and I got chili cheese fries. Somebody goes, you have to try this out. This is the last time. I had abs till I was like 28. I was fucking ripped.

Yeah. I was ripped. I was the fucking red ripped guy, right? And I did pull-ups and I did the fucking these. You did not. Fucking xylophone. And I went, I fucking went in there. I did these.

Yeah, and I did the fucking Stallones, right? Hanging upside down. I did all of those. And then I fucking, I went into that fucking streetcar thing. And someone goes, hey, you got to try out. Somebody fat told me this. You got to get the fucking, you got to get the chili cheese fries. It's an LA cuisine.

And I got it. And just my stomach just distended. And it never came back. It went back a little bit. But I never got it, and just my stomach just distended, and it never came back. It went back a little bit, but I never got it. And then it's just, it is what it is now. I got the little fucking, I got the fucking roll here, man. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. No, no, I'm getting rid of this stuff.

Right now, I'm on a fucking insane diet. I'm looking at your lucky charms right now, and I'm laughing at them. All right. They don't have control over me anymore. So places where Italians go. Okay. Have you ever had pizza in Italy? And I'll tell you, one of the best little Italy's I've been to, Joe Bartnick, when he

was in fucking Pittsburgh. I was just about to say the Pittsburgh. Fucking amazing. Dude, the best. Pittsburgh's a great Italian scene. Jersey's got some great pizza and like just random fucking delis you go to. All of that that all that whole Fucking tri-state area can be crazy as long as legit Italian. Oh, dude

I had over hardcore legit Italian in when I was just in Jersey some bar tomorrow's You know, it's legit when they have the cardboard shape of a pizza that they stick in it. That is fucking genius. By the way, I do love that pizza. I love Sbarro's. Well, because what it is, it's usually at an airport or you're usually shit-faced. That's the two times you run into Sbarro's. Is it Sbarro's?

Sbarro's. Sbarro's. Sbarro's. So when you go there, you're in a fuck it mood. Yeah. I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to treat myself. Or I'm going to puke if I don't eat something and try to absorb the alcohol. I have gone to a Sbarro's and gotten pizza and a chicken parm.

Throwing the chicken parm on the pizza. Just fucked it up. I hope you didn't look at anybody while you were eating that. That's when I, when you go, when you say I've wasted all my good days, I go, those meals are the ones that I'll think of when they're like, all right, we're gonna start here

and cut you open to your neck. And I'm like, duh, why did I have to do that? Yeah, if I could give young people any advice, save up some good days from when you get older. God. You don't wanna end up like us where it's just like, I can't have any more fun or I'm going to die. No, right now I feel like I'm trying to log some good days so I can have some,

I log some healthy days where I can get good days in the future. I don't know that you can, I don't, you can't get it back. Yeah, you can. That's why I run. Huh? That's why I run. If I run, my day is, I can wake up like this. What? Bert.

Yeah. You're not going to get them back get back yeah I got a back but you need to go vegan when you turn 50 you got to go vegan I'll do it at 47 50 to 60 okay if you just how long do you think I can go vegetarian I don't want to do that to you I could do it I know you get I just don't what the fuck was what Bert with that what uh okay let's get back let's get back to pizzas I I know you could. I just don't. What the fuck was, what Burt was that? What, okay, let's get back. Let's get back to pizzas.

No, no, no. I want to talk to that Burt. Who was that Burt that just came? I've never seen that Burt. I've known you for 20 years. I've never seen that Burt. You just sat there. You're like, I can do it.

I was just like. All right. Okay. Best frozen pizza. I never fucked with frozen pizza. Ooh, DiGiorno's. Without a doubt. Well, they definitely have a marketplace.

God, DiGiorno's, deep dish DiGiorno's. They don't make them anymore? God, that was so fucking good. Really? Do they still make them? I can't find deep dish DiGiorno's. You can't, but there so fucking good. Really? Do you still make them? I can't find deep dishes or those. You can't, but there's a thing. When it comes to food, you can't, you got to like dial down.

Somebody who eats weed, you got to dial, because I mean, frozen pizza is just made for someone who fucking takes edibles. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just like totally fucking slow and intense, turning on that stove. Then crank up the broil. Just being like, this is going to be so good. Oh.

And then you look at somebody else like, dude, I am like so excited right now. This is so exciting. And it's just everything is fucking intense. Oh. And then that's what they remember. They forget it was because they took the edible. Yeah.

And then they start coming to you going, dude, have you tried that DiGiorno's frozen pizza? Holy fuck. Oh. You've got to do it is an experience and then unless you're as high as they were when you go to eat it Best pizza I ever had was in Rome guy made What's the what's the dish that's made out of egg yolks and No Made out of egg yolks and cheese. Egg rolls. No. Scrambled. No. Tofu.

It's a... Bolognese. It's a bolognese. It's a bolognese. It's a bolognese. It is, right? It's a bolognese. No, it's not a bolognese.

Carbonara. He made pizza carbonara in Rome. This is what the guy did. He took... He's a smart person walking by. It's a carbonara. She's coming to the carbonara. How did you just have access to that?

That was amazing. You're going gonna be a great mom he made the that's the kind of person that should have kids can just pull that out like that and kill us carbonara carbonara he made culture she goes to museums no she does not go to ice i'm dumb i'm over your story he made an ice cube that covered the egg yolk he put it in the oven with an a raw egg yolk and they made an ice cube to cover the egg yolk so the egg yolk. He put it in the oven with a raw egg yolk and they made an ice cube to cover the egg yolk so the egg yolk would stay cooled and then... Dude, Italians don't fuck around.

Dude, no shit. So why did he do that? It was the number one pizza in the world. He won the number one pizza in the world. And you had that? Because when you make carbonara, it is the greatest pizza I've ever had in my life. I'm ready to fucking punch Julius Caesar. That sounds so delicious. It was so so good and then the egg yolk would stay cold in rome i love rome and he then would pull it out and stir the egg yolk everything was hot on the pizza stir the egg yolk and it would harden up the way it is in carbonara and it was the greatest coronavirus i'm going it

was the greatest pizza i've ever had in my life what's the name of the place i can't remember the greatest pizza I've ever had in my life. What's the name of the place? I can't remember. I'll remember. I'll go there, crazy Bert. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

All right, let's talk about Boston, okay? I thought you were gonna go, let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. It's in there. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex. No, you do the, ah. Let's talk about sex. Let's do that again.

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex. There, you got it. You got to slide into third. Feet first slide on that one. I want you to walk me through Boston.

I left in 95. No, but all you guys, let's go Boston Comics, right? You got you, Dane, Bobby, Joe, Gary Goldman. All you guys, you didn't grow up in the same places. But I want to know what is different about different places in Boston, like where Marky Mark's from. Was that like a bad neighborhood? Yes. Those guys are the guys that they make movies about.

Marky Mark? They don't make movies about guys like me who lived in a fucking suburb. I always say that. Whenever they'll be like, you know, where are you from? I'm like, Massachusetts. They're always like, oh, it's South Boston? I'm like, no. The antithesis of Goodwill hunting. I wasn't good at math. I didn't steal cars. I lost fights.

Decidedly. So, no. I grew up in the safe suburbs. It was great. I had paper route. I climbed trees. I fucking played street hockey in the street. What It was great. I had paper route. I climbed trees. I fucking, you know, played street hockey in the street. What about Bobby? Where did Bobby grow up? Bobby.

Bobby is like George the Animal Steel, where he's like from parts unknown. Bobby was, Bobby's been doing the road since he was like three. What about Dane? He's had more dads than you've had managers. So Bobby's been all over Boston? Bobby's been everywhere. He would need I think for somebody to put together

Bobby's childhood, which is why it's so amazing that the man that he is now. He's one of the great husbands and fathers that that i know yeah what what his childhood was like like ken burns could do like a 20 fucking episode documentary of bobby so did he live in bad neighborhoods and good neighborhoods uh it just kind of seemed like it was bad to worse to crazy. Really? To juvie. Yeah, he had like, one of my favorite things I ever saw Bobby say on stage.

We were at the cellar a long fucking time ago. We both had hair. This is how long ago it was. And Bobby was up there doing his shit, you know, trying to find himself. And Bobby had a tendency to steer towards bodily fluids back then, right? Yeah. So it would be funny. You remember that?

And the crowd would groan. He'd be like, are you fucking that? And the crowd would be like, oh, you're fucking politically correct. It's like, no, Bob, that was just gross. So he was doing some sort of sex bit, and he was really describing it. And this woman just made this face, you know? This woman of a certain fucking, you know, level in society kind of made a face. And Bobby just stopped because those comics are fucking sensitive. He goes, what's the matter? What are you making that face for?

She goes, no, nothing. I just find you to be a little crass. You find me to be a little crass? He goes, let me ask you a question. He goes, what were you doing when you were 12? Huh? Playing with dolls, having a tea party? You know where I was?

I was in jail. So, yeah, I'm a little fucking crass. And I remember when he got on stage, I was like, hey Bobby, that's you. Yeah, yeah.

That is the most you fucking thing ever. Yeah. That's how you get this shit over. And then, I don't know, then we fucking did

20 more years of standup. And now he's one of my favorite fucking comics. Because he just goes up there and he's just talking about his life. And then also like knowing how, um, you know, some of the shit that he went through and just like, and how fucking nuts we almost killed each other.

We lived each other. We almost fucking killed each other. We were just two fucking lunatics, lunatics. We almost fucking killed each other. Yeah. So, and now we're both just, now we just call each other up telling stories about what our kids did.

So when you'd go home, when you and Bobby would go home to like Boston for Thanksgiving, and you'd drop him off, and you'd be like, why don't you drop me off first, and then you can take the car over to your place. No, but I do remember one time

we took the train up. Yeah? We made the conductor so mad, she kicked me in the leg and threw us off the fucking train. Wait, what happened? I don't know. We kept swearing accidentally. We were excited.

We were going home for the holidays. It was me, Bobby, and Al Delbenny. And we were just being idiots. We were just talking. And we weren't, like, cursing. Like, fuck you. We were just being like, hey, remember the time we fucking went into that store, right you started laughing and the fucking guy comes in and she just kept she kept going

Hey, hey, she was fucking yelling at us like she was our parent. Yeah So he kept going sorry sorry, right and then we just pushed her to her limit Big large Marge chick, but she was younger right, know, just on her road to being an old maid. You just could tell, you know, unless somebody had a fetish. It was a sad story. Now she's a conductor. She's not meeting any guys. Sitting there with a little fucking punch thing.

That's not a mother. She's going to die alone. And she knew it. So she decided. She's going to die alone. And she knew it. So she decided to take this out on us i don't know what her little fucking parcel of the world where she had power we were going to know it and if we did not respect her authority she

was gonna fucking let us know what was up and she came over the last time when i swore she came over and she booted me right in the side of my foot on my leg. And I was like, are you out of your mind? And then she kind of came clear like, holy shit, I just assaulted a battery, whatever the fuck you call it. A passenger. So she went full on defense mode

and fucking screamed to the other guy after she kicked me. Fucking called the cops and then threw us off the fucking train to the other guy. After she kicked me, I fucking called the cops and then threw us off the fucking train at the next stop. Now, here's the funny thing. The stop she kicked me off of

was my stop anyway. But I felt bad for Bobby and Elle because they were like, what the fuck are we going to do? So the cop gets on the train and she kicked me. So she's, you know, going full female mode,

like almost crying because she kicked me and I think you know going full female mode like almost crying Cuz she kicked me and I think she hurt her foot, you know when she did it So any of the cops just sitting there, you know these cops they don't want to do paperwork If you know that you could really work the system here, right? So he doesn't want to do the paperwork. She's fucking And he goes, okay, okay, and then he just looks at me and he just goes guys what happened? I'm like, oh, he's telling the stories. we said the f-ball until time she flipped out you guys all right can you do me a favor can you just get off of this stop i'm like yeah so we got off and we were laughing her ass off and she was staring at me and as he drove by i just i yelled at her i go i live here

the train went by right and um yeah so then I think my mother came down to pick me up. And then I believe that she drove them over to the red line so they could get into Boston. And it was hilarious because my mother found the whole thing funny, and we were all well into our 30s. No, early 30s. Maybe even in their late 20s. I think I'm older than them, so I think I was in my early 30s. So that's my train story.

How old were you when you first went to New York? The first time on a family trip, 83. I saw Dave Rigetti pitch against the Red Sox in Yankee Stadium. Upper deck, fucking hot as balls in July. And that's when like New York, I wish I could remember more of that. Yeah. I do remember being in Manhattan, and we didn't know where we were going. We were sort of wandering around,

and my dad, you know, traipsed along. We were all trying to keep up with him. He fucking walked so fast back then. And I do remember at some point, we must have... Did you do the subway up? No, no, no. We drove down. Yeah.

Got lost in the Bronx in literally the Griswold mobile we had a 83 Caprice classic everyone red maroon red with the fake wood on the side everyone's in red socks my brother with a permit is driving it like 15. and my dad goes all right let me get out so he gets out and walks around the car you know like that chick who got out in the tiger grabbed him you know that's you's one of those fucking things. So he got in and then he drove to the stadium. And then when we left, we went down into the city. And we were wandering around neighborhoods. We must have been somewhere near the village.

I don't know where. I just remember walking along and all of a sudden it became a gay area. So my dad was like, oh, shit. So we're trying to get the fuck out of it. And I just remember being like, what the fuck out of it and i just remember being like what the fuck what i mean it was new york back it was fucked up i remember there was a bunch of gay guys standing around watching some sort of gay porn outside through a fucking store window this was early 80s like new york was fucking nuts and i was like what the

fuck and i remember i sort of like walked past him and then i glanced and there was this old guy looked like burt young bald with the fuzzy hair, dirty wife beater. And as I walked by, young Billy Burr, he looked at me, he goes. And I never forgot it. I was like, yeah! Right? But I was actually there before then, in the early 70s, when I was just a really little kid. And we went to the Statue of Liberty and stuff, and I barely remember that one.

Our kids are never going to have that barely remember. They just go oh let's check the iCloud oh remember that trip like it's crazy my kids have have it's weird because they don't they can't really connect to things where the pixels are super super low so like yeah just play something newer but all their memories on the iloud that's amazing isn't that bizarre it's like their childhood becomes a tv show that they watched enough times yeah like that that's their brady bunch where i watched every episode of the brain bunch they're watching their lives yeah whatever it goes i mean vivid look at this is georgia in 2005. like i mean there's videos of her she's adorable look at this this is george like i mean their memories are all Like, I mean, there's videos of her. She's fucking adorable. Look at this.

This is George. Like, I mean, their memories are all. I don't have my phone. I got to show you. I got to show you my kid, man. Look at this guy with a goatee. Who's that? That's me. Whoa.

Oh, you had the fucking shit going on in the back, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that guy. Oh, fuck. It's so crazy that I wish I had more memories. My dad wasn't cool with pictures. We went to Key West one time talking about... Hey, no pictures.

My dad was like, don't... He didn't... Never would he be like, give someone a camera. Get a picture of us? That never fucking happened. My dad was big time into that. We all be like, oh, God, Dad. And he goes, you know, you hate it now.

You're going to love it later for the slideshow. It's so true. And he was right. It's so true. He was was right. It's so true. He was right. My Aunt Judy never wanted to be photographed. Back when they take the old, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. They have old videos.

Yeah. And it was when we watched home movies one Christmas, probably when I was just out of college, maybe just moved to LA, maybe 28 years old. And we found the old videos. And we found the old thing and we found the old thing threw it to the TV and we're watching my dad at like fucking five year old five years old playing the snow and it's and it's and my dad's crying he's seeing his dad and his mom and your dad cried oh my dad gets very emotional about his

dad anything about his dad that's why he doesn't want pictures he's a sentimental guy I don't know I guess old- guy, so he doesn't want to cry in front of people? Probably. And so we're watching it, but my Aunt Judy was that, oh no pictures, no pictures. And I learned that day, never say no pictures, because you'll want to be involved like 20 years from now

when they go, let's see the video. Every video, Judy's like, no, no, no, no, no. So she's not in one picture. The whole time you're looking at these childhood memories and she's like covering her face. But yeah, man, that was crazy. Seeing like a world like. I get weird about going into the past. Really? Yeah. Sometimes I like it. I like it with certain things, music, sports, movies and stuff. But me, I don't like going back there. movies and stuff, but me, I don't like going back there. What do you mean?

What do you mean you? I don't like going back looking at me. Really? Yeah, I'm not into that. I'm not into it. It's just, it just, it just fucks me up. And I start thinking like, you know, the dumb shit I did, the stupid decisions I made, the stuff I fucked up. And then I also think like,

God, man, that seemed like it was 20 years ago. That's 40 years ago now. You just think like, wow, it's just going to fly by and you're just going to be dead. And then you're like, you know what I should have done at this point in my life? I can't like just take myself out of it. I can't be like, oh, I remember when I wore that shirt.

Like, I can't do that. Really? I start going like, why the fuck didn't you do I started talking to myself at that age I start looking at pictures like I see that picture of me with a goatee and then I go hey man write a script no but it worked out yeah worked out but uh I was with these girls that I'd grown up with I met all of them in first grade one of them in eighth grade but most of them in first grade they came out to my shows in New Yorkork and uh they were like yeah we've known bert for 45 40 no it was like 42 years

and i was like what and that blew me away i was like 42 years yeah oh the 70s are now becoming 50 years ago. And I remember from like 1972 on. So I have memories. I actually remember 1970 because I remember when we moved into this house, I remember my dad tying my shoe as I sat on the counter. But it's weird. As I think of it, I think of me at this age when I was just a kid. I just, what I do remember is he's tying those too tight. I can't feel my feet. I can't feel my feet.

I can't feel my feet. I have no extent. I remember, what's your very first memory? Is that one of your first memories? My very first memory is too sad to do here on the podcast, but the next memory I remember, I'll tell you some time. On a special occasion, I was smoking a cigar. My second memory is...

Well, that's a sad one, too. The next one, the third one, I remember standing out in the snow in a snowsuit, looking back into the kitchen window and my parents looking out, smiling at me and my brother yeah so i do remember that that's probably and that was probably 1969 or 70. wow i remember uh i remember watching kids play hockey i must have been my mom and dad say i must have been like but definitely before three i must have been like definitely before three i remember

looking on our balcony looking down and seeing kids playing hockey i remember that vividly i remember was there a raven there when somebody went through the ice no why do you think you remember that i don't know my mom and dad are like there's no way you could have remembered that there's no way we would have let you out on the porch by yourself to go down to look over in the winter and look at kids play hockey, but they go, kids did play hockey down there, but there's no way

you remember that. And I was like, no, I remember that. They're like, I bet it's a memory that we've talked about and you remember it from that. That's what it probably is.

But I remember, I do. Do your parents do that to you a lot? Yeah. Hey, Mom and Dad, this is what I'm feeling. No, you're not feeling that.

My dad, you got an active imagination, buddy. Not all these stories are true. They're fun. They're fun that you tell them. Active imagination is a gentleman's way of saying you're full of shit on this one. Oh, 100%. Well, there's times where I will put dreams into memories. Like one time, my dad was trying to sell his company.

And this guy took us to dinner. And he was like, you know what you guys need to do you need to get a get on in the Everglades I got these airboats and you take them down there you can go see alligators I said we did that and my dad's like oh so yeah we all did that remember like we were we were chasing each other in airboats and then like everyone had their own airboat and my dad's like I don't I don't think we did that and then my sister Annie goes i think you're thinking of police academy three and i was like yeah you're right i think it was police academy three yeah i guess we didn't do that oh so you're a little

fucked up yeah we're like i will just memories just all full everything's into one thing right yeah it's all about you yeah and i go. Did your wife give you shit about that? Oh, yeah. Hardcore, hardcore. Dude, I know this guy. He does this thing, right, where you'll be like, you know, if you're complaining about somebody, then he'll say, well, you know, he's always been nice to me. And it's just like, this isn't about you.

It's not about your relationship. I just said what the fucking guy did. That's clearly not good behavior. He's always been nice to me. Yeah. He's always been nice to me. I just said what the fucking guy did. That's clearly not good behavior. He's always been nice to me. Yeah. He's always been nice to me. I mean... And especially in that moment, you just want to be heard. You just want somebody to be like, yeah, you know what? That was fucked up. Yeah.

It is always fucked up when you want to trash someone to someone and they start defending them and you're like, it's just me and you. They're not here. I'm not going to snitch on you. Like, let's just admit that person's a fucked up person yeah but whatever no it hurts i can tell him that whatever it hurts like yeah but where you go to like start a good trashing on someone you're like let me tell you what's wrong with what dot dot dot another guy it was actually we're

pretty close and you're like i know i understood that i thought you could put that aside you can't do that if somebody's close you can't start tracking you do it just do cigar i'll watch this i'll do it i'll just i'll trash them with you yeah but your friends and the camera's on so it's not a true trashing give me someone else you can name someone the camera's on i can do it but i can do it i can listen i can listen to a trash they're not watching i can do i can listen to a true trash you know You know, this is about him again. This is about you and how much better you are at being a listener. I get it. I'm not a good listener.

I'm a horrible listener. I know, because the other person talking is not about you. Can you look through other people's vacation photos? Look through? Like someone goes, oh, we just took a trip to Cancun. Take a look. Yeah, I can look at that, yeah. Oh, I can't.

I'm like, am I in any of these? Am I gonna show up? Is there a surprise? You're showing these to me because clearly I'm in one of them. That's a great thing to say though. What? That's a great out, that line.

Oh, let me show you my trip to Cancun. Am I gonna be in any of these? Because if not, out, that line. Oh, let me show you my trip to Cancun. Am I going to be in any of these? Because if not, I'm not interested. Yeah. And it just shuts their shit down, and it gives something for them to not like about you, which will make them want to leave. Yeah.

That's great. I can't listen. Can I use that? Yeah, of course. I can't look through photos of other people's trips. I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious. What? Is showing a picture of your kid to someone who's never had kids.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you might as well show them a picture of this. A woman, though. You'll find a woman who wants to have kids, blah, blah, blah. And just that motherly thing, they can be, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's believable. But it's really a guy you show a picture of a kid to a guy who doesn't have a kid it's just like

like hey there he is oh yeah look at that one i mean it's just like just no fucking interest whatsoever once you have a kid somebody shows picture kid you get excited because you know you know what the deal is and then you want to show your kids. That's so funny that this is the first question. When you go to the bathroom, do you always close the door behind you? No. I don't either. Maybe we should start this

different. Sometimes, if there's people around, I do. If there's someone I trust in the other room. I just went to the bathroom in here and I left the door open. If there's someone I trust, I'm not concerned. But if I'm like at a restaurant, I close the door behind me. Yeah. I definitely close the door behind me. You ever get to lock it? Yeah. Somebody comes walking in with your fucking pants down around your legs and you're hovering. You ever gone into the stall and the thing's broken and you're like, great, I'm just going

to get walked in on. Well, that's not going to happen. You got to rock back and forth, take a shit, close the door, take a shit, close the door. Yeah. So why would you let people look in on you when you're online? Right? If you're not going to do it in the bathroom, why would you do it online? That makes a lot of sense. Using the internet without express VPN is like going to the bathroom and not closing the door behind you. Craziness. I'd never do that. Did you know that your internet service provider, like Comcast or Verizon, knows every single website you visit? Every single website. And what's worse, they can sell this information to ad companies and tech giants

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have a, when you were single, you'd like have like be at a table or a dinner table with a group of people, girls and guys. And the girls would be like, you know what? Cindy's single. You know who we should introduce you to? And you'd be at the end of the day, we're going to say Bert, say Bert, say Bert, say Bert. And they'd be like, Jason, he's a great guy. And you'd be at the end of the day, we're going, say Burt, say Burt, say Burt, say Burt. And they'd be like, Jason, he's a great guy. And you'd be like, never once did anyone ever go, Burt, we should set you up with Cindy. She's single, never once, never. I was the opposite.

For real? I was the opposite. And they'd go, you know who so-and-so should be hooked up with? I would be sitting there going, don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me. I was so shy and introverted. I was like the right fielder who did not want the ball hit to him.

My daughter. And for me, that was anything social that didn't involve hanging out with the fellas and getting drunk. Like, I could do that. I could go to sporting events. But anything that had to do with chicks or anything, I was just like, I was a mess. Really?

I was a mess. Mess. Were you good at first kisses first kiss well once I learned how to kiss no no I was never good at getting a first kiss like I was never someone that first kiss gave me so much anxiety that I would sometimes anxieties never a good look with the woman I couldn't turn it off. Like, I couldn't... You're making me uncomfortable right now. I'm feeling you sweating throughout the date. I mean, there's girls I dated for maybe, like, a couple weeks,

never kissed them, and they just must have been like, he's gay, I guess. I was the smoothest fucking dude ever with women I didn't give a fuck about I would just be like who the fuck is this I would say shit I would do shit and it just fucking bang bang bang it just fucking worked the second I gave a fuck about somebody yeah it's like being a comedian you go on stage if you fucking care it's just then you're between your ears and the whole thing fucking dies yeah so I tried because you're you're you're not

in the moment anymore you're up here what you're you start watching yourself doing it rather than being like just like how the fuck do we do this podcast at any point you start thinking like jesus christ we got three hours to fill up you don't know you just sit down and start talking and you do the comic thing oh i want to say something i want to say something yeah next thing you know three hours goes by. But if we had just started out, we'd be like, oh, fuck, there's a camera.

That's what that shit is. It's the same thing. It's just, it's getting to a level of comfort where you don't give a fuck. But that's one of the hardest things to do with women

is to be the guy who doesn't give a fuck because then you can be loose, relaxed, funny, and you're going to get laid. But the funny, and you're going to get laid. But the thing is, you're not necessarily going to... When you meet somebody that you actually connect with, you care, and it's impossible to shut off caring.

So you've got to hope that she finds that awkwardness cute and reads it right. Yeah. And if she doesn't, then you know what? Fuck her. I'm kidding. When was the last time you got on stage and noticed that you cared and didn't have a great set?

Last time I noticed that I cared, I think I ended up having a good set set but I cared was I went down to the improv not knowing what night a weekend who was there and I went down there and it was earthquake was working there he came in and it was mostly a black crowd which I hadn't done in a minute and you know you want to go up I was like yeah going up and I gave a fuck when I went up there was like oh bill how you doing you want to go up i was like yeah going up and i gave a fuck when i went up there i was like oh shit do i still know how to do these rooms yeah you know because it's different like going up in front of a mixed crowd it's when the predominant vibe

is not you which is something a white male comic doesn't experience a lot there is there's a familiarity to it that if that gets changed we'll fuck with you unless you've been doing those rooms which i hadn't so i gave a fuck initially but i just started talking and i immediately got him and then i was like well i haven't done these rooms in a long time but but I am now 10 years better than I was, and then I was actually able to talk about a whole bunch of crazy shit. And I remember walking out of there, and I had that high of doing stand-up.

In a situation like that, it's beyond doing new material. It's the feeling of, like, I couldn't be any more different than this crowd in a lot of ways. And I was able to not just stay on the subjects that we're going to relate to, relationships, sports, or politics, right? I can do my fucked up shit. And I was able to keep the attention of this crowd interested in what I thought about whatever. So I left that going. And then I also felt that always doing those rooms, I used to love doing those rooms. I don't know what happened. You start fucking doing stand-up.

I always thought I'd have more of a mixed following. And I know I did BETs and I did the Apollos and stuff trying to i was trying to have the new york crowd everywhere i went yeah because that was my favorite was when everybody was there then you could talk about everything yeah whereas all of a sudden if it's you know you're doing a woman's college like just certain jokes all of a sudden take on like an extra level of weight or it's just it's just like you know that's i view like those types of gigs it's like you become like a radio station where it's just like okay we got white males 18 to 34 do that material to blah blah blah this is a woman's college or

this is a cruise ship with old people i liked new york where it was just like talk about whatever you want to talk about just be funny um so i was hoping that that kind of thing was going to happen but and uh it hasn't so far but hopefully it will that's interesting i i remember watching kevin hart do uh um shaq and cedric's uh all- Comedy Jam. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of the sets that kind of changed the way I saw what... Because I always thought in order to appeal, you had to be edgy, you had to be dirty, you had to be like really ride the line. Kevin Hart went up and talked about his kids and everyone else was like, where are the

pimps at? Where are the real hustlers? Who remembers growing up in the projects? But Kevin Hart just went up and talked about his kids. And I thought, oh my god, they all have kids. The majority of people have kids in this room. He's just connecting about kids. He isn't going dirty.

He's just talking about his kids. And I was like, oh, you don't have to go up there and try to shock the room. You can also just... No, Patrice used to talk about that. What's that? Well, he used to feel if he went in to do those rooms that he was put in a box. Where it's like, Phil, I'm not going down there. I'm not talking about roaches in my apartment.

I'm not talking about this. I'm not talking about that. I want to go up there and talk. And I used to say, well, you can. And he was younger. They won't let you. They won't let you. You know, well, you can. And when he was younger, he was like, they won't let you. They won't let you. They tune you out.

And what it really is, it's a confidence thing. It's in your head. Yeah, it is. It is. Because you can basically go up there and talk about anything. Because that's how I used to settle my head down when I would do those rooms. I would think back to the prior albums that I listened to, and I would be like, the world that this guy lived in could not have been any different than from the way I grew up.

But the way he told this story, he brought me like his his bits, his stories in my head are short films like the crap game. I know what everybody in that thing looks. I haven't't listened to it in a minute, but when I put it back on, I, over the course of listening to it, saw what the room looked like, how much smoke was in there. You know, the girl with the fat ass. Kiss my ass, motherfucker. I know what she looks like, the color of her dress. It's amazing.

I got all of that in there. It's amazing. Yeah, so all of that is like movies. And so anytime, like that's how I actually judge like the level of like performance that somebody's doing. That's the true way to tell, I think, is if you are 100% different, just about, other than being a human being from somebody

as far as your life experience, but you can bring me into your world, hold my interest is like, it it's why i liked biggie you know like i was you know white kid listened to rock music whatever i remember patrice gave me yeah listen to this shit this guy's the next guy whatever so i put it in and what i liked about a lot of his stuff is they they it played out like a movie the way he told stories because that other shit where somebody's just doing a laundry list of everything that they own and how much money they got, it's kind of funny to be talking shit like that,

but after a while it just becomes, it's just like white noise. Like the rap version of doing that, the white version of that, was in the 80s when there was a guitar solo and someone would just do a tap on, after a while. It just didn't sound like anything after a while, it just didn't sound like anything after a while. It's like, all right, I get it. You can do the tap on thing too and make the dumb faces as you do it. But it's just like, you're not fucking, this doesn't even sound like music to me anymore.

What was it like? I had this thought on stage the other day where I go, the act I'm doing today stage the other day where I go, the act I'm doing today is no longer even remotely close to the act I did when I worked comedy clubs where the stage was a lot smaller. In a theater, all of a sudden you're using so much more space. Did you notice? Was there like a point? What? Shut the fuck up. What are you laughing at? I'm just picturing you being extra flamboyant. With a little sword hanging off your side. This is my shit joke. I'm in a theater.

No, I have a bit where I walk across the stage and the bit is the walk and what I'm saying on the walk. I was like, I could have never done that at Caroline's. No, you'd have to pace back and forth. I like... I like doing both. I like the privilege of being in a theater, and I like the insanity of a comedy club.

Yeah. Like, just food is being eaten and served, and checks are being dropped, and people are coming in late. I love that shit, and... What if they said, same money, you gotta pick one for the rest of your life, comedy club or theater?

Can't do the other ones. Same money though. Oh, theater. I got to go with theater just because I can put more people in there. I can make my money. I can do one show instead of six. Yeah.

I'm too old to do six. You don't think you can go in and do Toledo for a weekend for the rest of your life? I could do it, but I also, I wouldn't have to do the time that I do in a theater. Dude, when I came up, man, you said to do 45 to close. I know. It's none of this shit doing an hour. Dude, 45 is a joke. 45 is, I feel like I haven't even started my set at 45. It sounds silly, but like I'm pacing myself out now. And my first chunk is 33 minutes. And then I go, God, man, if I was thinking this the other day, I was like, this was,

they had a tight turnaround in New York because we had two shows. And there was, you know, union fucking hardcore union theater. And so they were like, yo, the guy was like, you got to be off at like 9.06. And I was like looking at it and I was like, that's an hour. And he was like, 9.06, not a fucking second later. And so I was like, okay. And I barreled through, got to 45 minutes and I was like, I still have some material to do and I got to still tell the machine story. I was like, God, man, 45 minutes seems like fucking nothing now.

Yeah, you got to go right to the machine story. Yeah, but you got to get off stage because those fucking union guys will kill you. A hundred. I got off at 11.05, or 9.05, and I went back, I go, not a fucking second over. He was like, good on you, man, good on you. We don't care what you do.

We just want to get the fuck out of here. Dude, they yelled at me because I went on stage. We don't care what you do. We just want to get the fuck out of here. Dude, they yelled at me because I went on stage. The stage was closed at 6 PM, up until 6 PM when doors opened. And I had a film crew with me. And I just said, I want to show you how pretty the theater is. They fucking lit me up. They were like, off the fucking stage right fucking now.

Right fucking now, get off the fucking stage. Why? Because they're on their union break. What the fuck's going to happen? I don't know yeah sum that up one word shut the fuck up yeah do you like or do you like doing arenas i i'm not doing i mean i've done a couple yeah but do you enjoy that if i can do it in the round, I do. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, it's fun. The round is funny shit. Yeah, and then I always, you know, I rent some drums and some guitars, you know, amps and shit. Me and my friends going and fucking jam and have a great time. Yeah.

That's funny. That aspect of it. And then I also like being in the round. You feel like it makes it way more intimate. You way closer you just literally i just you know being all all the way on one side i always feel bad people all that far away yeah um because i've been that guy i saw dice at the worcester central and i had like third to last row upper fucking deck of that place And it's like I saw him, but I never saw him Yeah, I want to say there was a video. I believe there was like 88 or 89

But I was way the fuck up there I still laughed my ass off laugh my fucking murdered laughed my ass off laughed my fucking murdered god then in the end he played with a band and then he did like a drum solo it was bananas it was bananas i would have liked to have seen there's a lot of things i would like to see you know i saw dice in 1989 i mean and that was like a moment in comedy history where these the outlaw comics and that was like sort of the second coming of that do we need to censor these guys after lenny and george and prior and all of those guys this was sort of the second like that whole pmrc do you remember that in the 80s was pmrc it was like the parental yeah yeah yeah what uh what's her name uh what uh tipper gore gore yeah they would put these stickers on albums and cassette tapes and CDs.

And, like, I see all these rock stars joking, like, oh, dude, we used to go for that sticker, man, because all the kids were like, oh, this is the real shit. We got to listen to this. It really, like, backfired. But I wish I saw Sam, and I wish I saw Richard, but I saw pretty much everybody else. You never saw Richard prior out here at the store?

This kills me. Like, he, I could have gone and seen him one night, and I was with Patrice, but Patrice was like, I don't want to see him like that, which I didn't have a problem with it, but I also wasn't on Patrice's journey where he sensed that, you know, what happened to him was going to happen.

He always had like this, you know, I'm not Bill, like, you know, I'm not going to, you know, what do you say? I'm not long for this world. He just knew. I think there's something about going down in your prime. A lot of guys, like, they know it. It's weird.

It's a weird thing. so i think he knew it and i think that that seeing him like that reminded him of what he was going to face which is nuts man i hate talking about that but so i didn't go in and see him and i regret that i wish i was strong enough as a person to be like you know i get that you don't want to see him i gotta go see this like this guy like what he meant to me as a comic was i mean it was he like he like there's there's no way to really put into words how great that guy was yeah there really isn't i would have liked to have seen kinnison definitely without a doubt i would love to i would love to sing kinnison at 84 yeah right before you know all those stories that you hear like i i would want to see kinnison when people didn't know who he was and were like and but you knew who he was it's like when i used to watch a tell before people knew who he was like i used to used to... I can't tell you how many shows I went up,

and I bombed, and I still stayed there just to get the satisfaction of him getting the crowd. And he would go up there, and I remember... And, like, the crowd would have this confidence because they fucked with guys like me and won. You know, me and my big, dumb, orange Afro. They just fucking tore me to ribbons. And then he would go

up there and they'd see oh look at this look at this guy let's fuck with this guy and like within like he would just a bit you know verbally choke slam the first fucking guy and everybody then was just like like he was then and then he would go into his shit and it was like it was my favorite Thing about Before he got famous I remember I used to look at Patrice like that remember time when he you know the classic story when he went back and forth with That transvestite whatever the fuck he's supposed to say now. Yeah And they just went back and forth trashing each other. And I remember it was so fucking funny.

And I remember afterwards, I had a feeling of sadness of like, this guy is going to hit so hard and he's going to get so fucking famous that I'm not going to be able to see people meeting him for the first time because they're already going to know who he is and expect this. Can you imagine hanging out with Don Rickles before people knew what he did? That's interesting. To watch

people meet Patrice was... For the first time was the greatest thing ever. It was one of my favorite... I used to fucking hang out with that guy just to watch him go into stores and potentially make a purchase. I remember haggling with this guy in Times Square. He got into cameras at one point.

He was just like, got into photography. And he was haggling with this guy who could barely speak English. And the guy just kept going, ah, it can't. And Patrice started going, ah, ah. He started imitating the guy. And at one point, he took his money, which was less than what the guy wanted, and the camera was on the table.

He was putting it down. He was, ah, yeah, just do it. He was imitating the guy. I can see that. I was crying laughing. And the guy was trying to, like, because he's trying to catch up with what Patrice is saying. He's, like, fucking imitating him.

And then he sees me crying laughing, knows that Patrice is fucking around. And then looked at Patrice. He was pissed. Patrice had that shit-eating grin on his face. And he fucking laughed. And then Patrice Patrice. He was pissed, but Patrice had that shit-eating grin on his face, and he fucking laughed. And then Patrice ended up getting the camera for what he wanted. And I just was like, it was like the fucking show before the show.

Yeah. Any of that shit, watching him hit on women as they walked down the street, all of this shit you can't fucking do anymore. He would yell across the street, Miss, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. I can tell by your walk you're not happy in your personal life and she'd be like what the fuck he started breaking her down like it's like i would get like embarrassed in this big voice echoing off the fucking skyscrapers and could give a fuck yeah and um yeah we're just fucking like every fucking i remember watching him trying to figure out new

york talking to women and they were just like what the fuck he was just like god damn what you gotta do to get a bitch to talk to you and he but he figured it out he figured it out um yeah he was probably one of the best i ever saw walking down the street talking to women him russman need kevin russman kevin and kevin hart was great they were fucking good at it but fucking He was probably one of the best I ever saw walking down the street talking to women. Him, Russ Meneve, Kevin Hart. Russ Meneve. Kevin Hart was great. They were fucking good at it. But fucking, yeah, Russ Meneve. I remember one time he goes, Bill, just fucking talk.

It's no big deal. And he goes, look, you see that chick over there? He goes, watch this. And he just fucking walks up to her, starts talking to her. He gets her smiling, gets her laughing. I can't remember if he got the fucking number. And he goes, there you go. Got her number.

I mean, I don't know if I'm going to call her or not, but you know, you got to get good at it. And I was just like, all right, this is like a skill. Then I tried, are you going to just let out whatever the fuck you do? I've been hearing sounds over there. Russ Meneve one time, when we were both working at Boston, I want to say he was hosting that night.

And he was like, hey, why don hosting that night, and he was like, hey, why don't you go long? And I was like, really? I was the door guy. He was like, yeah, stretch your legs, you know, go long. Do like 15, 20. And I went, okay. We get up to like 15, and I'm looking,

I'm not seeing the light, and I'm like, all right, get to 20, I don't see the light. Look around, I don't see Russ. I'm like, that's fucking odd. I get to like 25, and I got no material left. I'm like, I need somebody to get me off stage, and all of a sudden Russ comes out of the bathroom. Girl comes out of the bathroom.

I was like, god damn it. He was, you know he used to eat the bones of the chicken wing? No. He ate the bones as well. I spent a lot of time with Russ. Is that possible? Yeah, he ate the well. I spent a lot of time with Russ Maneve. Is that possible? Yeah, he ate the bones. I spent a lot.

I think every time I piss on a, every time I piss and there's shit on the back of my toilet. Was that a Police Academy episode? By the way, I don't know. You might be right. I don't think. One of them is. It was either Russ Maneve or I fed into my dog.

I can't fucking, what are we doing here? Russ Maneve one time, he had a joke about pissing on, he goes, my roommate doesn't clean. He considers pissing the poo off the toilet seat, cleaning the toilet. And every time I see shit on the toilet seat and I piss it off, I think of Russ Meneve's joke. Isn't that crazy how you'll think of one person's joke every time you see that one thing, you go, oh yeah, that guy's joke. Or a punchline that stays in your head forever. Sometimes it's just little sayings, like, I tell, did everyone get it that's gonna get it?

Let's move along. Oh yeah, I remember that. Dude, I remember I introduced, I was dating a girl. Sarah Silverman had one that stuck with me for years. Oh, I was licking the jelly off my boyfriend's dick? No. What? The one where she said something about having, she goes, I have a box of condoms right next to my bed. And the way she did it, she goes, because I do a lot of fucking.

And just the way she did it. I was in another room. I don't think I ever even saw the joke. My wife was on the couch. We live in New York, one bedroom apartment. And I was, it was like the living room and then there was a bedroom and then the bathroom. So I was like, and she had it turned up and i could hear it and i was like shaving i fucking bursted out laughing and it was i think that was that was uh i think

i already knew her then but that's when i was like i i really became like a like i always liked her but i became a huge fan yeah of her uh style she uh yeah she man she, man, she was the first, she was the first woman I ever saw on stage. I never saw a woman do standup. I just, it hadn't registered with me. Like, I'm sure I'd seen like Paula Poundstone and stuff, but I never realized like, oh, they could be sexy as fuck. You never saw Joan Rivers?

No, I never saw Joan Rivers do standup. You never saw Lily Tomlin? No, never saw Lily Tomlin do standup. I saw Paula Poundstone. I saw her do stand-up when I was a kid. Ellen DeGeneres? Nope, never saw Ellen. I knew Ellen DeGeneres.

Marsha Warfield? As an actress. Shirley Hemphill? No, none, none, none. You didn't see any of these people? Moved to New York. Sandra Bernhardt? Sarah Silverman went up in like a, I want to say like a Conan sweatshirt.

And I was like, holy shit. She was so fucking funny. So when people were saying like, oh, women aren't are funny my only representation of that was Sarah Silverman who I thought was beautiful and she was cool like she was approachable because you were a comic she talked to you or whatever yeah I remember that joke that was the first joke I heard fucking year was this the 90s you didn't even think never seen it never seen never I'd seen Paula Poundstone, but that's it. Never seen like. You didn't see, you saw Joan Rivers?

No, I saw Joan Rivers do the Tonight Show, host the Tonight Show. I never saw her do standup. The only people I'd say that I'd ever seen do standup, when I, by the time I got into it, Comedy Central, I'd seen some of the Comedy Central stuff. Like they do those things. Laura Keitlinger used to host.

I saw Laura, I knew laura keitlinger was but when i got in stand-up janine groffalo i saw uh in 97 i saw janine groffalo on hbo and i was i thought she was so sexy i still think she's sexy that's why just because i know you're so funny That's so fucking funny. If I could do it. Here's the Burt show 24-7. Just goes on between your head.

She's so sexy. I still think she's sexy. Oh, she's so sexy. All right. Burt finds Janine sexy. I had a great experience with her in Montreal. We all bombed doing this show. And she was really upset about it. And she was over by the makeup

people there was like it was when CISO is a thing and so all the CISO executives were in our green room where we should be but she was off to the side and I went over and I was like and I had barely knew her I didn't know her at all really and I went over and I was like hey what's up and she said I didn't have a good set I was like oh none of us did and she was like oh you had a good set I said no actually none of us did and And she was like, oh, you had a good set. And I said, no, actually, none of us did. And mine was worse because I stuck with my material. You decided to go off and do your own thing.

And we were dying in the green room watching you. And she went, really? And I said, yeah. And she goes, I don't want to go sit over there. I'm embarrassed. And I was like, hey, I should be more embarrassed than you. I'm going over there. Trust me.

You have nothing to be embarrassed of. She was so cool. She was like, really? And I was like, oh my god, fucking Jeanine Garofalo. How can you ever be embarrassed of what you do on stage? It's like you, when I go, when were you ever in your head? Every time you're on stage, I go, you're so I don't give a fuck that the idea that you would go, oh, when you care too much, I'm like, when the fuck does that happen? Oh, that reminds me.

I got to fucking talk to you about something. We went to the XFL game. Yeah. go oh when you care too much i'm like when the fuck does that happen oh that reminds me i gotta fucking talk to you about something you we went to the xfl game yeah and you did something because you've been a parent longer than me and you you did he fucking you did one of those i've been a parent longer than you fucking moves so we were in the family car it was fucking funny as we have this cd of french songs yeah so my daughter can listen because she's she's learning how to speak french right so what was funny is i'm riding with you and i can't figure out how to shut it off and it's these kids songs uh that song about autumn autumn right low tone say low tone set to bell says oh say low time and i'm fucking driving with

him we're laughing our asses off. He goes, what the fuck is this? And I finally got it off. I go, yeah, well, you know, we're trying to teach my daughter. She's going to speak French. And you just go, that's such an older parent thing to do. That's like the most fucking arrogant, fully yourself, Bert Kreischer fucking thing. It's because you got

sticky fucking, it's not like having your kid be bilingual is not an older parent thing. It's just a decision. And then another fucking thing. Another thing that you said. It's so is. It isn't.

Oh, she's taking piano lessons. Really? Really? She's three. Dude, time out, time out, time out. Piano lessons? No, dude. These entire generations, that's all they did.

When they grew up, you took fucking piano lessons. When you're older, when we're the age where our kids, you just were like, just get them from A to B without dying. It was like we so did not know what we were doing that the idea of teaching them another language was like, oh, ha, ha, like, what are you doing? But that's your limitations. Yeah. You're superimposing your limitations as a parent onto me.

No, I am. No, it fucked with you that my kid's going to be bilingual and you missed the boat. So then you had to fucking be like oh that's such an older parent thing to do well then anyone was missing when you said that was a little fucking hair flip meow bert very catty oh i sat here while you fucking dished out this fucking misinformation about getting help raising your kids going, we raised our kids the old school way. You didn't raise your kids the old school way. You raised your kids the new old way.

Yeah, right. How old is the expression it takes a village to raise a child? That existed long before you went raw and had a fucking kid. All right? So what you're experiencing now is the failure of the nuclear family where it's just the mother and the father. Did you see that fucking poor bastard who left his fucking two baby twin girls in the car and they died? No, I did not.

That's from having no fucking help. Yeah. Dude, back in the day, it's like the woman had the... Like in China, do you know this? I heard like in China, they keep her under blankets for like fucking a month and everybody else told me about this yeah

everybody else deals with the kid to fucking try and do it yourself it's it's stupid dude you're gonna start fucking hallucinating yeah oh it's oh dude i had a night in aspen so that is not the old school way there was a new thing that came about i going to tell you a parenting thing that I did. That Bill Wilson. This is misinformation. This is what happened. A buddy of mine got a job, right? With a corporation.

They moved him. Say he lived in Florida. They said, we want you to work here. And you know what they did? They fucking assigned him in Alaska. And he ended up getting friends with somebody in the HR and the reason why they fucking do that is because they don't want you to have options, friends,

people that can hook you up with a job, a better job, or if you're thinking of quitting, you have options. So they move you as far away from people as you fucking possibly that you could possibly know. That's what created the fucking nuclear family, dude. People started getting jobs and they fucking moved away.

And then all of a sudden you had a fucking kid. You had to go to work and your poor wife had to sit there getting fucking two hours of sleep for fucking 60 straight days, dude. I mean,

that's why every fucking kid when we were growing up had this scar, had that scar, ran with a glass and fucked up their face. That shit doesn't happen anymore. For the most part, if you get fucking help, you should get help.

You should have in-laws. You should have family members. If you can afford to get a night nurse, you should fucking do that. It makes you be a better parent. I will agree with that 100%. My mother said to me one time, she goes, I don't even remember my 30s. And she never did drugs. That's how fucking insane it was to have all of those kids

she'd be like hey can we take the car out yeah just trying to fucking it was insane i remember one night one morning in aspen leanne had the flu and i had to take care of both the girls and we had been out and i didn't know they i was gonna get sick and i took a belt and i put a belt around me i looped it i took a belt and put it around isla And I took a belt and I put a belt around me. I looped it. I took a belt and put it around Isla. And I took a belt and I put it around Georgia. And I just sat there hoping they wouldn't fucking move. And we just tried to watch TV and I was just like this.

Yeah. Is that good parenting? No, horrible. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, but we didn't have. So listen, if you get out of sleep, you have time to be like. Oh, I would have loved. I would have loved to have those.

You could have your cheap fuck. No. Yes. I was making no money on the fucking road at the time. I mean, dude, come on. Buddy. What? You could have done it.

How much money are we spending on booze? You easily could have afforded a fucking couple nights a week. First of all, not a lot on booze. I was getting free drinks at the clubs. But we ended up getting help. When I started doing the road, when I started getting booked on the road. But if you didn't pick this business, you would have been in Florida, your parents would

have been down the street, and you would have had help. 100%. So what I'm saying is- My sisters lived down the street when I lived in LA, and they helped. Yeah. When we were about to give birth to Isla. My mother-in-law helped. She's the best.

Yeah. She's the fucking best. Yeah. You need help. Not anymore. Noin-law helped. She's the best. Yeah. She's the fucking best. Yeah. You need help. Not anymore. No, not anymore. Now it's too late. It's too late for you and your kids.

I would love to have, I would have loved at times to have not, like, I don't know, it's so different though because there were times where I'd hang out with my daughters and I'd be like, I should be working.

I should be doing something. But instead, I'm babysitting because Leanne's at work. And I'm like, all right, let's go. And I remember those fondly, like taking them to the mall or going to play softball at the park or just going to the park in general. I would have loved to have more help. We got a nanny. When I started doing the road, we got a nanny. But the nanny was only there when I wasn't.

I was never there with the nanny when I started doing the road. We got the nanny, but the nanny was only there when I wasn't like I would Never was I? Was never there with the nanny I? Would have loved it Teach my kid fucking French see now. We're getting now. We're getting to why you said that what I'll tell you Oh, cuz I love you enough to forgive you okay? But I'm just letting you know you got a little sassy in the car forgive you. Okay. But I'm just letting you know you got a little sassy in the car. Okay. And I didn't appreciate it. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. And I accept that. And I'm, and I am in a place now where I can move on. That's how adults do it. I'm sorry. I said that. It's alright. I knew where it came from.

Man, when my second wife and I have kids, I can't wait. Oh, yeah. You gotta get help. I'm gonna do this one right. You'll be shocked. Did it really bother you? I clocked it when you said it, and then afterwards, I ran it by my wife. I go, is this kind of, am I nuts?

It's a little douchey. And she goes, yeah. And I said it to her, and she went, ew. He said that? I go, yeah, he's kind of being a cunt, right? She goes, yeah, that's a little cunty. No, I didn't mean it as a cunt. I meant it as a joke. Like, I bust balls with, Segura has kids.

No, no, there was a weird vibe in I bust balls with, Segura has kids. No, no, there was a weird vibe in the car. No. There was a weird vibe. I didn't, I said it right when we got in the car. No. It was the first thing I said when we got in the car. No, you're just, you're flailing right now.

I know you're lying, like your body language, I can see. It was the first thing I said when I got in the car. It's not what you said. You, first of all, you had to register that there was the fucking CD. Yeah. You had to do all of that shit. You didn't immediately go in and hear

the French CD. I can't believe it really bothered you. I did not mean to, I was just joking around. It didn't bother me, like,

I just brought it up because it would be funny on this fucking thing. I wasn't going to be walking around like, you know, I like 80% of work, but that fucking comedy.

No, but I said something the other time. There was another thing I said on a podcast where I was like, I said something, and you were like, what was it? It was like the one we did over there. I don't know. I don't know.

I can't remember. You bugged me? Yeah, something I said. You never legit bugged me. Yeah. I bug a lot of people. You'd be shocked. No, I can see that. You're doing well. You're coming up with good ideas. It's very, you know, people doing well bothers other people.

Yeah, it does. All right. You want to get along with everybody in life. Do not succeed. Do not succeed and then agree with what everybody says around you and you will have more friends than you you know what to do with just agree and fail agree and fail you know that's the secret you know we're on the top relationship podcasts what's that we're one of the top relationship podcasts according to who iTunes oh I don know. iTunes put us on the relationship podcast. I think because we taught people how to break up with people. Oh. You can't go fucking sit there and tell me that somebody's actually sitting here watching all of these fucking podcasts.

There's got to be someone at iTunes. Just sit there and rank them. Like who? I don't know. Like how does that work? I have no idea. I think they just have an algorithm and they just see

what numbers you have, what subjects you talked about and it just funnels it in. Oh, they've got an app. They've got an app. Someone sent me the app where you can type in certain words

and it'll show those words in what podcast you've said those words. This fucking rain is aggressive. Is that what it is yeah is that rain oh god is anything worse than driving in the rain in l.a jesus christ you think it was a goddamn nor'easter out there i have a show at dynasty typewriter in two hours look at you you're gonna

wax that mustache buddy yeah have you ever performed there i love that place i've never been there it's fun yeah there's a lot of places I've been been before I'm never formed at Largo I never performed it I've never performed at Nerdist melt Nerdist melt was that was called comedy meltdown yeah that's it Nerdist at the that place doesn't exist anymore oh for real yeah I guess I missed that opportunity yeah there's a lot of places I've been performing in LA. That's alright. I think you're doing alright. Yeah. Bro, what's going on with you?

Nothing. Are you unsettled? No. Do you feel less then? Yeah. Do you feel judged? Always. Yeah, of course. Now, how much of that is between your fucking ears? 100% of it. Barry Katz once said, I think you think people are talking about you more than they're talking about you.

I was like, that is a fucking accurate statement. He goes, how many times have you thought about me today? And I said, not at all. And he goes, that's how many times people think about you. Barry Katz is always good for a couple. Here's the thing, buddy. Here's the thing, Papa. Just do whatever the fuck you want to do.

As mad as they get, they're going to forget about it. Be clean. I did his podcast once. I did his podcast. I heard that one. That was a great one. It was huge. It was breaking his balls for 45 minutes.

Yeah, and he loved it. I did his podcast once, and he goes, fucking so Barry, he goes, so when are you going to say out loud that you're an alcoholic? And I was like, well, this is not as fun as I thought it would be. I was like, never? And he was like, because you are. No, no, I get a kick out of Barry.

I've always gotten a kick out of Barry. And he's given great advice at times. My only qualm with Barry as a manager is I couldn't get him on the phone. That was it. Can you use that line what this is Barry Katz calling you back from the Carter administration yeah right he had that line hey he wouldn't even switch up the presidency this is my impression buddy is Barry you're gonna be a big star everything's gonna happen for your pop I've seen this before you just have to hang in there, okay? I'm not going to talk to you again for another eight months.

Barry Katz. But know that I'm working for you every single day. Barry Katz line. This is, by the way, anyone who's his client would know this line. Bear with me. Bear with me for a second, Papa. Give me a sec. And then he'd just go do something, and then he'd come back, okay, what's up?

Bear with me for a second. I don't remember that one. Oh, he used to say it to up? Bear with me for a second. I don't remember that one. Oh, he used to say to me, bear with me for a second. That's a Barry cat. I just remember going into his office and he had books on mind control out in the open where you could see it. And it's like, is this part of the mind control? He, uh. I liked the wild shirt, too, back in the day.

Oh, yeah. He looked like a like it's like like a big jewish cowboy you know that rodeo shirt yeah with the fucking hair he looked like wild bill cody he did not look like he sounded on the phone at all at all i mean i remember meeting him and going what the fingers i know i look different than you think i'm gonna look yeah he gave me the best advice. He looked like Triple H. He did look like, he looked exactly like Dirk Nowitzki.

Dirk Nowitzki. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He, he gave me some of the best advice. I was, I was, I was going into. Best advice, leave me immediately. I was going into a test for a pilot at CBS. I had a deal at CBS and they didn't want me to test for the pilot. Didn't want me to test for the pilot at all. And then he got me a test. But they had said, we don't want him. But he goes, but you're already paying him, just test him. So we go to dinner at Yamashiro. Sits down and he goes, let me tell you a story about Hideo

Hideo, who's the, Hideo Nomo. The pitcher for the Red Sox, right? Hideo Nomo. Dodgers, he was a Dodger. He was originally a Dodger. Yeah. Hideo Nomo pitched for the Dodgers and had a great first season.

I'm gonna fuck this up, but this is a speech, just bear with me. Had a great first season. And then he did nothing, and he lingered, no one cared, and they traded him to the Red Sox. He didn't think anything was going to happen for his career. That's where you are today. They don't think you can do anything.

Hideo Nomo's first game for the Red Sox. Do you know what he did? And I said, what? And he goes, he pitched a no-hitter, Papa. You need to go in. No one's expecting anything. And pitch a no-hitter. It was the greatest advice.

That's fucking good. It was the greatest advice. I went fucking good. It was the greatest advice. I went in. I fucking booked that role. I fucking crushed it. And it was like I have Hideo Nomo jerseys in my house because of that fucking speech. One of the best. I loved his wind up.

That straight leg. Yeah. All the way back. Oh, I ended up watching him pitch. He played again, I think, in LA. Did you yell, hey, Dale! Hey, Dale, no, no! I booked a CBS pilot because of you!

You're everything to me! Yeah, man, that was, I love, I love a good, that's what I love about coaching. I love a good speech. A good pep talk. Are you going to see the new Ben Affleck movie? Yeah, I'm a big Ben Affleck fan. I am too.

Yeah. Because that's right in your wheelhouse. Oh, yeah. No one expects anything out of you guys. Oh. Start tearing up. Oh, my God. Dude, the best, okay, the hardest I've ever cried in a movie, miracle.

Miracle. When they're skate, when they play Sweden and they lose, and he goes, everyone on the ice, we're running lines or whatever. And they go, frump, frump, frump, frump, again, frump, frump, again, frump, frump. Coach, coach, come on. Now the lights go out. Don't worry. I'll close it down again. Frump, frump. And then he goes, coach, come on, man. He goes, what team do you play for? And he goes, United States of America. Oh my God. I'm sobbing, crying.

USA. I play for the USA. Oh my God. I'm going to start crying right now. Oh my God. That was the most emotional. Like anything good sports, dude. Oh my God.

Shoeless Joe Jackson coming out of the fucking cornfield. Oh God. Why is it that sports can do that to you? Like, I can watch a rom-com and not cry once. Because it's real. Sports is a... Sports...

All this reality fucking television. Sports is the best reality television because it is reality and it's real. Yeah. And you don't know what's going to happen. And there's fights and there's rivalry. There's all that real housewife shit going on it's just between teams

that's why I like it and I like it that you got to learn how to work with other people and then you also have while learning about yourself and then you got to fucking thinking that you can only go this deep and you got to dig down even deeper and push through shit it's very like relatable

and I just think like someone like yourself who's just trying to get on that elliptical every day you see the metaphor dude i can i'll tell you those did you see the you got to wrap this up soon yeah yeah let's wrap it up let's go fucking play drums like an asshole okay thank you for again for watching the bill thank you again for watching the Bill Burt Podcast. Thank you.