The Bill Bert Podcast - The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 9

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

Bill and Bert prattle about dogs, burning balls, and social narratives.

Hey, what's up everybody? Welcome to another pandemic version of the bill. Bert. Pod. How are you? How are you hanging in there, Bert? You look great. Look at you, you look like you're slimming down. I haven't drank in 19 days, haven't smoked a cigar, haven't smoked weed. I feel fucking amazing. There't smoked a cigar. Haven't smoked weed. I feel fucking amazing. There you go.

Congratulations. I'm going to see if I can go the whole time without boozing. Because it's like, it makes no sense to drink by yourself in front of your children. It's a bad, fun, but bad thing to tempt. As you can see by my background, this is what i've been thinking about i haven't had a cigar in uh since march 3rd and i've had one that one cigar since january 13 and that cigar behind me is my favorite like afternoon cigar the la aurora sapphire oh bird so great you know that's gonna end up saving your life because if you get the corona they say the thing is is smoking because you're drawing it all the way into your lungs it's like bronchitis well i'll tell you why uh what's gonna save me

is i haven't even other than going to the end of my driveway to put my trash cans out and bring them back in, I have not been, I don't think I've been off my street. Really? In like three days. No, no, I'm just, I'm fucking, I'm a team player here, man. Let's fucking do what we got to do. Look, I run an errand here or there, and every two, three days I do have to take my wife and kid for a drive just to get some air. But we don't run around with the windows up. But these fucking jerk-offs.

Did you see that? My buddy was telling me there's a woman who was wearing full scrubs and a mask, was driving to work. A nurse, right? So you know she's overworked and underpaid at this point. And videotaped all these jerk-offs out in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Frisbee-ing, riding bikes, acting like it's a giant fucking vacation. It's like, it's a level of selfishness that even stuns me.

One of the most selfish people out there. I mean, I can't like, it's just like, I don't want to kill somebody's grandma. Yeah. I think, you know what I think it stems from? It stems from all those baby boomers talking shit about millennials right which then created okay boomer and i just think that there's a lot of like it's funny gen x we just sit right in the middle of it nobody gives us any shit and these two have been going at it and eventually it's escalated. It's like the East Coast, West Coast rap thing now.

So now I think, you know, like Tupac getting shot outside the studio is these millennials sneezing on boomers. Dude, there was a group of Persian guys. These Persian guys that smoke cigarettes outside our house, like right in our driveway. Was it a bunch of Muslims?s no these same persian guys i think they might own the uh complex that that is by my house the like mini strip mall but they always sit out there and smoke cigarettes and talk they i mean they do it until like 10 at night i i have a lot of theories i think number one majority of

persian men still live with their families so i live with their parents like 26 27 so i think that's their outlet is getting out there smoking cigarettes but the other day they're out there they drive me nuts smoking cigarettes touching each other and they're getting ready to leave and they're hugging and isla is like uh isla's like dad we should say something about social distancing i was like you've been kidding me i've been trying to get rid of these guys for years that's it hug it out guys yeah you missed one dude all i thought about that whole story well i didn't even think corona i just thought i have one of these cigars behind me and joining in what are you guys talking about

fellas oh i had uh i had to rearrange my humidor i haven't smoked a cigar but i had i have all these cigar cigars that i got on the road from the bus and so i wanted to put them in my humidor at home so yesterday was my time to organize and i'm looking at these fucking cigars and i'm just so tasty oh i mean and then i got these little ones that bobby kelly gave me they're uh like little tiny ones but their age they're like 10 years old you know the little tiny ones and i was like i could just puff on one of those oh god i want i mean i want one so bad dude goes great with the cappuccino i just made a little cappuccino dude you know i never gave into the coffee thing i'm really happy you're not a coffee guy no i was every once in a

while i don't even know why. I just think because so many characters in a movie that I liked were sitting outside, you know, the mafia den drinking a little cappuccino. Every once in a while, if I'm going to have coffee, I'll actually have a cappuccino because it's not a lot. And I have a buddy of mine, like most of my buddies, scotch guy, cigar guy. His cigar thing is he has one in the afternoon, and he has a little cappuccino with it.

I'm just like, you know, that's definitely. I know, and you cannot do that at night. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, no. Dude, I'll tell you what. One of my favorite things in the world, my dad got me on this. I called my dad up one morning. I used to have a bit about it. I called my dad up one morning i i used to have a bit about it i called my dad up one morning i said what are you doing he said uh coffee and a

cigar i said it's like fucking seven in the morning there and he goes yeah i know what are you doing up this early i was like but i remember thinking he had the end the joke was i i told him i had a dream and he was like you still dream it's a true story and i go yeah i dream i go you don't dream he goes no i don't dream i I'm a fucking man. But he, but he was having a cigar. I kind of like your dad. All the stories you tell me. I like the guy. I mean, I never needed a hug from him though, but. It would be tough getting a hug.

He's the kind of guy I want to hang out with. Sometimes you'll say on the phone, all right, dad, I love you. And I go, okay. He, he loves you we listen to your we listen to paper tiger on uh on uh on our golf trip to uh to uh uh pebble beach this is what you do when you tell him that you love him and he goes you go okay i love you dad he goes okay and just be like all right you big softy big cupcake just keep doing that you'll break him down my dad's like you you know you and joe and my dad are all similar men in that my dad's pretty like we're bald doesn't he's very yet bald uh-huh but has a really soft spot for dogs like

i mean oh my dad is like the kind of guy that like if he if he saw someone mishandling their dog he'd get in the middle of it and be like whoa whoa whoa what the fuck like i don't i was thinking about that today because i remember hearing my dog's driving me fucking nuts we have a new dog and i remember you telling a story i must have been on a podcast or maybe in a special about your dog never liked anybody oh yeah no man well no my dog the wiring was wrong on her and when she bonded with her new owners um she's like all right you guys are taking care of me. I'm down with you guys and everybody else can go fuck themselves. That was the problem. So, um, you know, my, my trainer who now has the dog actually sent a, uh, a photo the other

day, you know, he's had the dog since December of 2016. Wait, when did you get the dog? What kind of dog was it? April, 2009, blue Nose Pit Bull. 2009. I'm trying to put that in perspective. So you're single at the time. No, I was little over...

No, no, no. Nia got the dog. That was the joke. Believe it or not, FaceTime and Skype, that existed in 2009. Seems like ancient time ago. And she goes, that was the thing. She literally said, it's a pit bull mix. And I said, mixed with what?

Another pit bull. That ended up in the act. And that's what it was. And I was terrified. And then Charlie Murphy, rest rest his soul is going like Charlie she found this thing and he's just like yo man he goes you got to get that thing the fuck out of your house you can't go I watched enough dog whisper and I talked to Charlie Murphy that when Nia said that Nia thought that I was just going to come home from the road

walk into the apartment where the dog was while she was at work which might have worked because she had probably just bonded with Nia and maybe not the space yet but I didn't want to risk I said the fuck I am I go you're putting that thing in the back of the hatchback put it in the parking garage so the dog dog's okay. She checked on it, you know, and I go, I will meet you at the bottom of the stairs. And then I will walk up in front of you guys, pack leadership, and then into the house. And then we were fine. The dog was a little weirded out by me, but I had really chill energy. And it took about a day and a half. And the next morning she was laying at the foot of the bed and I could tell it was okay to pet her. So I did. And I just kept petting her for like 20 minutes. And then she was more and more relaxed. 20 minutes goes by. And then after 20

minutes, she rolled over and gave up the belly. And then I knew I was in. And then I go, okay, she's accepted me. I go, now I got to take her for a walk. And then I knew I was in and then I go, okay, she's accepted me. I go, now I got to take her for a walk. And then we went out for a walk. I went on like an hour long hike and we sat together and everything. I was totally chill. And I just, you know, just kept giving her affection and all of that. And within two days of that, that thing was just like, you know, wanted to sleep on my head every night. I miss that dog so much. Like I still like remember everything, like everything that made her like get all wound up.

The games I used to play, the things, breath, the whole thing. That was one of the biggest heartaches of my life, but we definitely did the right thing because it would, I told you you my trainer came back to town with the dog when my daughter was about i don't know about six months so i just had that question of like could i have made it work so i brought her by the house i still had her on a leash had her in the house on a leash and everything and my daughter was sitting on the bed where she used to lay and i saw her look at her and I saw her ears go up where I usually would give it a tug so it wouldn't fixate.

I go, let's just see what she does. And she looked at my daughter and she went and growled. And I was like, all right, that's why you don't live here anymore. And I never had any more feelings of guilt. But, you know, my trainer comes, you know, our trainer comes to town once every like three, four months and I get to see her. She's got a lot of white on her face. You know, she slowed down a little bit. But when she's in town, like I walk her every single day. I always take her for a walk. And, you know, there's always that sadness when I have to, you know, give her back up again.

But I don't know. I love that dog, man. And she's like me. She's trying. She's a mess. She's trying. So like right now, if I had that dog, it would be laying on the couch with me.

We'd watch TV. And it would have its head right here and its paw crossed my chest. Thing would literally snuggle. It was the most lovable dog. It just couldn't get along with anybody else. And it was, yeah, it was not a good scene. Is that the only dog you've had? That I've owned personally.

But when I grew up as a kid, we always had West Highland Terriers, those little white dogs. And we used to tease the shit out of the dog. I told you, the thing bit me in the face. I had to get stitches. You didn't tell me. I know. And we were latchkey kids.

You know, I told you. My dad fucked with us, so we all fucked it with each other and then everybody fucked with the dog i dude april fools april fools all i could think was your dad telling you school was still in and not telling you the joke i was laughing so hard at that it was so it was so like his commitment like i always like i want to tell like sal from the impractical jokers that story because i know that he would respect because those guys are like you know the joke wins that guy's got a tattoo on his ass so like justin bieber or something like that, just for a joke. Yeah.

And he still has it. It's not like he did it and then, you know, dealt with the laser removal. He still has it. One of those rappers or something. I don't fucking know. Figured he'd appreciate it. Yeah. So, wait.

How did your parents get hooked on with West Highland Terriers? I don't know. I don't know. But they liked the breed. Sorry if I'm disappearing here. They liked the breed. And they just sort of knew like a breeder, you know. And, yeah, we just got one. We got one. And the first one got hit by a car and died. That was my first old yeller moment. I used to cry myself to sleep at night,

little Billy Burr with his orange hair. And then we had another one that lasted like 12, 14 years. And then the next one lasted like 12. and now we have another one that's like 10 years old so it goes back to like the 70s oh wow you know we we keep dogs the way the pittsburgh steelers keep head coaches you know like pittsburgh steelers have had three coaches in my lifetime i think they had chuck noel and then the guy with the underbite there, Bill Cower. And now they got... Tomlinson, yeah. That's it.

We had a Jack Russell terrier named Arfer. And it was just an outdoor dog. Never lived. Never was inside. Lived outside. Would hunt rats it would get in the lake yeah those things tap back into the wolf dna when they stay outside yeah they do yeah it was it was

a wild animal like a like a legit wild animal that would come around us and we fed you just take a can of dog there was the same plate in the backyard. Every just the same plate by the back door. And you'd open a can of dog food, just punk it out, like throw it out. Like, uh, like Brad Pitt did for whiskey.

Was it whiskey or bourbon? What was the dog's name? Uh, Oh, I forget. That was, I do it. We just watched that the other day.

Again, such a great. Hey dude, when this thing's over, let's smoke a fucking bat, and I want to watch that movie. I fucking, I love that movie like I haven't loved a movie in so long. Like one of those things like I need to own this movie. I need to learn every line of this movie.

Yeah. I'm going to do just like a car pass of that movie, writing down all of the cars. Dean Del Rey knows a lot about the cars and that. I was telling you that one that Brad Pitt, the first night when he drops, a little spoiler alert here, this is a car thing. When he drops one of the characters off,

I won't even say who it is, he gets in his sports car. That's a Karmann Ghia. And when he's flying of the characters off, I won't even say who it is, he gets in his sports car. That's a Karmann Ghia. And when he's flying down the road, that was a really dangerous car because it was really light. It had the engine in the back, and it was rear-wheel drive. So when you whip that thing around the corner, you had all the weight of the engine was back there, and it was rear-wheel drive.

And a lot of people, like, lost traction up on, you know, you'd slide out your back was side out. Right. Yeah. So if you watch him driving that it's, I don't know, knowing Tarantino, he did it on purpose. It was a very subtle, I couldn't tell if it was like, all right, this is the poor man's Porsche. Or if it was like this guy, like there is a stuntman, dangerous, is his game, so he has this really dangerous car, and then you watch him just drive like a fucking lunatic.

What was the dog's name, goddammit, was it? Hey, look that up, would you, Andrew? That fucking, when he beats up Bruce Lee, I've never enjoyed watching that more than when he throws them into the car i mean that was i like my hands are registered weapons that means if i kill anybody i will go to he goes anybody goes to jail if they kill someone in a fight it's called manslaughter i just fucking i mean brandy brandy that's. Dogs eat brandy. Brandy, that's what it was. Yeah.

Brandy. So I'm going to tell you something. I think Tarantino, this shit that he's doing, these movies where he's fucking with history and all of that, retelling it and all that. I don't think people are going to fully get how great that shit is until, like, he's going to be, like, in his 70s or 80s. And then they're going to give it up for him.

Because my favorite thing was when the family of Bruce Lee was, because, like, the family of Bruce Lee, like, I guess, you know, when he was saying I could beat Muhammad Ali, his wife or somebody came at Tarantino and said, he never said that. And then Tarantino was like, he absolutely did. You said it in the autobiography that you wrote about him. He's like, I got that from you. I got this idea from you.

And I just love his whole fucking thing where he's like people like when you go to write a movie they're like he can't do this you can't do that he's just like wait a minute i can do whatever the fuck i want it's just like yes can you imagine if it's more directors with tarantino's talent just did whatever the fuck they wanted. Oh, yeah. That would be fucking amazing. It would be amazing. But, you know, I don't know. Maybe the fact that they don't and he does is what makes me fucking love that guy so much. I think that's my favorite Tarantino movie.

I think it is. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what's a little interesting footnote to that movie. We went and watched it in the movie theater. The girls wanted to watch it. My daughters watched it in the movie theater. And at the very end, you know, when not, and obviously I don't think we're past the spoiler alert

for this movie, but the very end, when Leonardo DiCaprio meets, uh, Jay Sebring at the, at the bottom after everything's happened. And he says, hey, what's happened? Isla goes, Isla and Georgia, we get out of the car and they go, why would they even put Margot Robbie in the movie? And I go, what? She's like, what were those characters for?

Like the Jay Sebring and Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie played Sharon Tate? Yeah, and I go, what do you mean? Because they had never heard of the Manson murders. So they're oblivious to the idea that Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And they're just like, why would they even put them in the movie? I go, because in real life they were murdered.

They were like, what? I was like, oh, wait. This movie. They loved the movie without having any idea what the movie meant to, like, me and Liam. And I loved Margot Robbie's performance and all of that. And what Tarantino basically did was show a young, excited actor and mother in the prime of her life with the whole life ahead of her and he wrote a happy ending for her and so many critics missed that with that bean counting of how many lines did she have i mean yeah it's like can you even write a movie do you even know what the fuck you're talking about and then not only that it's like if they just got over that fucking horse shit if they watched her performance what she did with so few lines like when i think about that movie like i like her she's right up front as far as this stuff um like her watching herself in a movie and being excited and looking around and

like you do something and the crowd laughs. It's just like, I don't, I don't know if you ever been to like a, like a premiere where you got a couple of lines in something like the lack of control after being like a comedian where you can just say what you want. And if it doesn't work, you can adjust your performance, speed up, slow down, fuck with the crowd, bail on a joke. That shit is just locked in. And it's like, all right, here it comes.

Like it either works or it doesn't. It's like, fuck, it's really a nerve wracking thing. So watching her go in there, like, I don't know, I kind of got like a kick out of the fact that she didn't seem nervous and was enjoying people like, you know, and then that whole thing, hey, I'm in the movie, do I get a discount, all of that cool shit. I love that he takes all that time with those. And I don't, I didn't find the movie long at all. No, not at all.

And I think it's Leonardo DiCaprio's best performance. Like, you know, I love when he's complaining don't you i'm playing property tax up the butt and then when he's got the margarita mix thing and he looks out the window and he goes what's your fucking hippies i gotta see it one more time because i don't think anybody ever says hippies without fucking in front of it i think it's always fucking hippies the whole time and then he also the manson family had like such this mystique of evil and

mind control and and let's you know overthrow the government and he just reduced them to i think the truth it's just a bunch of fucking idiot hippies. Yeah. Like a bunch of idiots, dopes who didn't want to work. That was another part, you know, fix it.

Get a fucking, he throws the job. I come on, man. I mean, there was just so many moments in that where I just thought there was a lot of stuff in that movie that pertained to today and people's like sense of entitlement, which you're seeing in this pandemic,

the fact that fucking assholes, you know, after all this, you know, let's make this a safe space. That whole fucking generation chastising us. Let's make this a safe space. Oh, I didn't even think about that. I didn't even, I didn't even think about that. They don't give a fuck. They're out there running around. Not all of them, but I'm just saying, um, I don't know. I that. They don't give a fuck. They're out there running around. Not all of them, but I'm just saying. I don't know.

I take that back. That's too much of a broad brush. It's not everywhere. No, but I love broad brushes. Broad brushes are the best. It's easy to fill up the canvas. A couple of swipes and you're done. Yeah. What's the topic?

Hey, we're just done. I love a good broad brush. Hey, that should be a segment. Okay, you give me a topic, and I'll take out the broad brush. Go ahead. What do you got? Come on, man. The things I'm thinking are fucking horrible.

come on man things i'm thinking are fucking horrible uh liberals liberals say uh uh conservatives saying that this is a liberal uh disease that uh that they're doing to take down trump oh jesus christ they're a bunch of fucking morons the problem is is their loafers and their ties are too tight it cuts off the oxygen to their brain so they don't take the time to realize that this actually came from China, who's not an ally of ours. Everybody knows somebody over there went down on a bat. It got in his throat and then he sneezed on a tourist. That's what the fuck happened. Okay?

If these goddamn people would stop giving fucking head to bats, we wouldn't even be in this situation this has nothing to do with trump broad strokes with people stop fucking going down on bats this thing ends all right all right i love broad strokes with these motherfuckers going down you're going down. You're going down with me. I got to give you a topic. Skinny jeans that still hang off your ass. Here's the problem with white people. I watched a whole video of Kodak Black and his buddies running a train on some girl on Pornhub today. It was aggressive.

Kodak Black. Kodak Black's a rapper. I was going to say he's a rapper, right? He's in jail right now. They're talking about freedom because they let go of Tekashi69. So T.I. was like, you guys need to- I thought that 69 guy9ine guy died. No, he's out.

He's out. Oh, is he the guy who snitched on everybody? He snitched on everyone and he's out. Donnell says he's going to have the biggest album of the fucking century. Who? Takashi 6ix9ine. Donnell says black people never- By the way, this is me really broad stroking whatever Donnell told me.

He's like, black people don't fuck- Donnell represents all black people during did by the way this is me really broad stroking whatever donnell told me he's like black donnell represents all black people during the broad stroke just during the broad stroke segment during the broad stroke segment donnell said black people don't fuck with tiskashi 69 it's just white kids and white kids are still gonna buy his movie music because they don't give a fuck about snitches um all right yeah okay this is what i feel about black people with snitching everybody acts like they're not a snitch you know the way italians and the mob act like they're not snitches but when push comes to shove you know and you know you're not going to get that good fellas yeah two bedroom apartment that they got in jail. You're going to have to fight off people trying to stab you with a sharpened toothbrush and getting fucked in the ass.

I think most people roll. I think so. I would love to know percentages of people that snitched. You know what's fucked up is I've talked to a couple cops, and they actually respect the guys that don't. It's so weird, even though it makes their job. And they actually respect the guys that don't. It's so weird, even though it makes you a job. Well, there's that thing where if somebody snitches, you're excited because it helps your case.

But you kind of look at the guy like, ugh. It's like chicks that were easy to fuck. You're always like, ugh, I should have had to fight her. The broad brush segment, evidently. Yeah. Any time it was easy to fuck a chick, I was just like, ah, if I did it that easy to fucking check i was just like ah if i did it that easy i guess everyone did it oh then that might be low self-esteem oh it's definitely low self-esteem yeah i just was picturing you like fucking three days later with that crabs comb

just brushing out your shit never had crabs never had did either. Never had. I had the clap once, but never had the crabs. Never had crabs. You know, speaking of crabs, I don't like fucking, you know what I don't like? I don't like shrimp. Really? It's just the fact, we're talking seafood here, right? Yeah, we now are. The fact that I have to de- devein the fucking thing and get the

shrimp shit out of it and the amount of shit that says is deveined it is not i still when they say it's deveined unless i see that thing split on the back i don't fuck with it but like the fact that okay now i took it out but the shrimp shit is was still touching what I was going to eat anyway. Yeah. I don't eat chitlins. You know, why am I eating the bite-sized version of this shit? I don't want to eat anything that touched the animal's shit. We were just watching Valerie Bertinelli peel and devein shrimp on Cooking Channel as like a segment of how to do it. And the girls said, you have to do that when you eat shrimp and

Leanne goes nah I go whoa hold on yeah you do yeah you do she goes no you don't and I said no you definitely do she goes I've never done it and I was like I'm I will never eat your shrimp now yeah it's so gross hey by the way Valerie Bertinelli I had the biggest fucking crush on her. And then I lived vicariously through Eddie Van Halen, like fantasizing, like, what if I had brown hair and wasn't a freak and I could play guitar? Man. Valerie Bertinelli was so fucking hot.

Valerie Bertinelli was, dude, I think saying she was so hot is disrespectful. You're right. You could marry her. Valerie Bertinelli still is hot. Oh, yeah. Not to – I hope this isn't slanderous, but do you know who I had the biggest crush on all through fucking high school and college?

Let me – what years? What years? 90 – probably 95 96 no wait no i'm sorry no no i'm sorry i'm sorry 89 90 91 all right tv or movie movie movie movie star um melanie griffith no No, my age. Your age. Married to a guy we know. It wasn't Veronica Corningstone, was it? The lady from Love and Marriage.

What up? Veronica Corningstone? Wait, who is she? From love and marriage. What up? Veronica Corningstone. Wait, who is she? When was she Veronica Corningstone? How do I know that? In Anchorman. No, it wasn't Veronica Corningstone.

Who's that lady? Who's that lady? No, no, no. Fucking Patton Oswalt's wife. She was in Dream a Little Dream. I mean mean like we all had the biggest when he when he got remarried and he married her like all my friends texted me like holy shit Patton Oswald married dream a little dream and I was like Meredith Silent Salinger is her name but I mean she was all of us we it's so bizarre but we're like i read a party and near like i never saw that movie

dreamalina that's not like there's a lot of singing and dancing in it like there was a little bit it was a beautiful movie it was a great fucking movie was that what that dude who says he got touched as a kid was he star cory feldman cory haim cory feldman cory haim meredith salinger and what happened was they trade places with an old couple like the the moon shifts wackiness and so so fucking good it's so good and we watched we must have watched that every night when we got done partying we go back to the dorm and watch that movie and just it was like it was a bunch of dudes, but we loved that fucking movie. That's a weird movie for you to like. I know, right?

Bizarre. It's like weird science where they made some hot chick they were all going to bang. Oh, I mean, Kelly LeBrock is next level. Yeah. At the end of that movie, when they pan up and she's in the coach's outfit. I don't remember that. I just remember Chet. Yeah. Bill Paxton, rest his soul.

He's dead? Is that his name, Bill Paxton? Yeah, Bill. Yeah, yeah. Bill Pullman's still alive. Bill Pullman's still alive. Bill Burr's still alive. Bill Paxton is dead.

I met him one time at a party. He was the nicest fucking down-to-earth dude, man. How did Bill Paxton die? I think it was one of those medical things. It was during surgery. It was during surgery. He went in for a routine

surgery. What did I say? Routine. He went in for a surgery and he died of complications. And he did Marin and Dean's podcast the week before and he talked about you know going into it wow good god that right there broad brush time that's why i don't go i never go to doctors don't ever go to a doctor don't ever bring your car into the mechanic they're just gonna find something which leads to something else yeah man just routine surgery is scary as fuck um yeah so i don't know we got to do some ad reads here

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Back here? Oh, yeah. Then, yeah, that's when you're surrounded. Yeah, that's when you can, if you still have something there, you can do something about it. You're like a war on two fronts there. Dude, I'm losing it everywhere right now. When I start growing my hair out, I start realizing how thin it is.

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Your partner, your body, and your balls will thank you. All right. So I've been playing a ton of drums, and I'm not a young guy anymore, so my hands were bugging me a little bit. So I put some CBD oil on it because Dean Del Rey told me you know from years of riding a motorcycle and you know you know working the clutch there or whatever like he used to have this pain in his hand and he put that CBD oil in and cured it so I did it and I was going to go out and play drums but then I had to take a leak and I wasn't thinking I had it on my hands

I touched myself and all of a sudden my balls started feeling really cool right and i was just then i started laughing go wow like i did a practical joke on myself and just you know like when you take an edible and you think like you've reached the height and then it goes to another level that's what was happening with the cbd oil i guess the skin is really thin down there I have no fucking idea maybe that's why it hurts so much when you get kicked in the balls but like it just kept going to the point I had to just I had to abort going to play drums I had to get in the shower and then my dumb ass I'm washing them with my hands again I'm like what are you doing

now it's all over the undercarriage so then I had to take a loofah and put it in that and then do that. And then I had to throw out the loofah. Oh, that's fucking cool. Be careful with your CBD oil. But I got to tell you, my balls have never felt better. Dude, it was like winter green. Like somebody had a double mint gum and just fell asleep breathing on my balls for a second. Then it went to another level of freshness that I wasn't prepared for I remember being in high school and having a pulled my groin and I put

uh bengay on my groin and then you know you move over a little bit to the left you're like yeah fuck it let's rub one out a little little oh no you didn't oh hardcore and it was it went it got cold then hot then on fucking fire and there was no you put water on bengay and it just gets hotter dude so wait wait wait wait so did you get in the fucking shower what did you do shower got in the shower and was i mean to the point where i almost got my parents i was like i need help like i might need to go to the hospital. It was fucking rough. That was the worst I've ever felt. That's so weird. Isn't it weird that you're like, your fucking groin can take it? Yeah.

And then one house over. Literally. Right next door. I remember. They lived on the other side of the world. We were in Alaska. We were doing a show for Travel Channel. And the next day, we were at dinner with this girl

Lonnie who was my producer this woman Lonnie who was my producer and we were she was talking about getting punched in the nuts and about nut skin and I said it's funny you can pinch nut skin and it doesn't hurt like you could pinch it it's like your elbow skin like when you pinch your elbow you don't feel it you can pinch your nut skin it doesn't hurt it she went really I said yeah she goes it probably hurts more to get hit on the dick. And I went, no, no, no. I said to her, and I was inaccurate. I said, no, I think like the head of your dick, you could hit it with a hammer, and

you wouldn't feel it. So the next day, we're doing this snowball fight. And it's called Yugi Gassen. And this guy throws a snowball. He had been a minor league pitcher. And he throws a snowball. And I had been a minor league pitcher and he throws a snowball and i go to jump over it in the air and and i miss and it hits me in the tip of my dick and i thought my dick exploded in my pants right oh my god i am i am i literally i'm panicked but

i my hands are so cold everything's so cold and it's stinging i can't feel it i'm just reaching in my pants in the snow rolling and groaning i have a mic on too and she has headsets she's our director and i'm just making sure it's still intact in my pants and she comes right up next to me and goes i thought you could hit it with a hammer ah that is they nobody does the i told you so oh uh like that thought you could hit it with a hammer no like i was fucking you thought it was like had the consistency of like a mushroom yeah like i think you didn't realize i i don't know it's a really uh it's a strange area that creates life birth it really is they i remember someone telling me you can pinch your

elbow and you won't feel it i remember being like blown away by that like the l your elbow i can feel it yeah but you can pinch it hard as fuck whereas if you did that to your forearm it hurts oh that's right you can yeah ah shit i would have fed that my my mother used to always grab me right behind here or the back of the neck your mother used to do that like like mothers drew blood back in the day oh yeah spider bites my mother one time jeez i keep slouching and my mother one time got so fucking mad at me i did something and she just grabbed me by my hair picked me up by i literally felt like a thousand hairs come out of my head. No, that's not why I went bald.

It all fucking grew back. But I was like, fucking foolish. Is there a family picture of you online anywhere? Yeah, you had a bird on my shoulder. Huh? Do you have a family picture online? No. I don't understand you guys that put all of that shit out there don't you

have fucking weirdos out there like your brothers and your and your and your mom and dad like from when you were a kid is that online i don't think so no like your brothers don't your brothers don't have like so social media dude we are the most antisocial fucking people ever. Dude, this pandemic has been going on for a month. My dad just called me. Really? For the first time. Yeah, we just, dude, you are like, you know, you're on your own.

I raised you. We're done with you. Wait, how old is your dad now? He's got to be 75? Something like that. Yeah. Late 70s, yeah. What is this thing on my fucking shoulder?

It's your couch, I think. Oh, that's what it is. Okay. Are you the only one with red hair? You're doing a really good job sitting still. Yeah, I keep wondering what is making you slide down. Oh, because I like fucking laying down when I do these fucking things. I keep wondering what is making you slide down. Oh, because I like fucking laying down when I do these fucking things. By the way, I could do it like this forever, these video conferencing calls.

I think we should continue doing it. I want ATC to pitch TV shows over video conferencing. I want to have ATC meetings over video conferencing. I want to have ATC meetings over video conference. There's no fucking reason for any of us to get in our stupid cars. Why we were doing that, I don't know why. We can all just fucking come into Zoom and do this. There's a difference. There is, I'll tell you, I had one pitch meeting and it's very interesting to see

the house your executive lives in it it shifts the energy of who's got control over the meeting oh really oh yeah one bedroom like a one bedroom apartment you could tell and you were like huh interesting oh that was hilarious because you know what the bunch of guys skyped in from fucking uh new york city and gnome the guy who owns you know fat black pussycat all of the wah the cellar dude he had a fucking illuminati level like dining room set behind him like he could have like they like it looked like fucking 20 30 people could have sat at that table had all the fucking chairs and that was his new york apartment i believe wow yeah that's a game changer when you see that's the problem we were talking about that we were talking about the the gal gadot thing it's the problem

some people don't realize your background says a lot about you so when so when you see like oprah shooting you know shooting a selfie video talking about how we got to help people and you look back and you're like how fucking big is your house holy shit like people read into like where you are where you draw the line you go well they're just looking at me right no everyone's reading everything into what's behind you no that's why i always i just i find a white wall and that's my background yeah they caught that fucking serial killer from uh don't fuck with cats yeah yeah i didn't i didn't all the information that was just in that video was incredible and that was used for a good purpose but what you have to understand is bad people can also do that. So I try to keep like

the personal information that I put out. I try to keep it about me because I think I was the guy that was dumb enough to get on stage and, Hey, look at me, then I should pay the price. And I don't think that people, you know, friends and family and, and, and, you know, I, I, I, I feel like that's a real personal choice. And I really have issues with fucking people that, like, try and – that just ask ridiculously personal questions in interviews. It's just like, why the fuck would I put that out there? You're not just fucking with me now.

I'm fucking with somebody else's life. They might not want that out there. So I always try to, like, you know, I'll tell some funny stories. You're super aware of that, though. I'm might not want that out there. So I always try to like, uh, you know, I'll tell some funny stories. You're super aware of that though. I'm not aware of that at all. I share, I overshare people's information all the time. Uh, well, you know, maybe that's something you should work on. Someone just said to me the other day, I was talking to someone, I forget who it was. And they said, I said something said something like oh I went to Bill and I went to a football game and they said oh wait what did you guys like uber down I said no Bill drove and

they went oh what kind of car does Bill have and I thought I'm not gonna I don't know I don't know if I want to share that I don't think Bill wants his cars out there in my head and then I said uh oh I we we drove and we drove another car we didn't drive one of bill's cars and they went oh and they wait where's bill live and i and i thought i thought this is so funny i said i'll tell you this much bill when i went to his house gave me the wrong address so i'm certain he doesn't want you to know the address he's just standing down the street over here no because then people hack into your phone and then it just becomes like this fucking thing and like it's it's safe for 99 of people it's just that one percent and you know and i've had some

issues with shit like that it's just and other people have had issues and like, you know, somebody I worked with had somebody fucking run into their house and, you know, she's in a fucking closet talking to the goddamn cops. They got there in time. It's fucking crazy. People have fucked. There's some fucking lunatics out there.

Lunatics. The, uh, look at all these fucking people licking fruit and fucking coughing on packages there's some fucking disturbing people out there do you see that one lady get that one dude get uh fucking smacked he was coughing on shit and some guy just came up and smacked him and knocked him out oh yeah yeah that was great oh an asian dude right came out yeah yeah yeah just and he smacked him like a he got indian smacked like you ever see the indian guys smack people and they do it

fucking so good just oh yeah doesn't hurt the hand but the guy's out cold oh like a nice You know what that took me back to? What? When I was walking back from the comic strip, I lived on the Upper East Side, and I was walking along 3rd Avenue, and I went into this place to get something late night to eat, like a deli, but it was the bigger one. And I walked in, I just felt tension. And the Asian dudes that owned it were just standing on

either side of this kid and they were like sort of with the back of their hand hitting his his chest area and the kid was sort of standing there and then they unzipped his fucking jacket and all this food came out and they instantaneously just started beating him up it was funny it was almost like noogies the whole way out and i instantaneously just started beating them up it was funny it was almost like noogies the whole way out and i was just sitting there and i was new to new york and i was just like well i mean you were stealing from them and they they sort of handled it themselves and i was like uh and i don't know i i like respect them it's like i like these guys and i went out of my way to shop there because it just seemed like it was family-owned,

and it was like a good movie. Like, anybody steals from the shop. Like, dude, I'm telling you, they saw him stealing. They went up to him. They gave him an opportunity. He didn't give it up. They unzipped his coat, and then the ass-kicking, the second the first product hit the ground,

there was still other products coming down that he had stolen and they were already beating his ass it was fucking great oh it's i gotta respect that yeah and then you gotta shop there yeah you gotta support the guys that just handle with them within themselves that'll never happen to them again yeah it didn't cost the city any money no you know they're not they're not a chain. They're a family. Like, there's everything that I love. Yeah, and I used to go there all the time. I love that. I haven't seen, I haven't been, do you think we're going to,

how do you think we're going to shake out after this? Do you think people will always be very conscious of what they touch now? Do you think that's something that's going to be ingrained in us? No, no, they'll be weird for three days. You think? Everybody's fine. They'll go back to normal. Like the same way, like I bet people were really looking out for the next Hitler or Stalin throughout the 40s and in the 50s and stuff.

I think that after a while, you know, you just get, you know, shit shit cruises along you just kind of get lax or whatever um i don't know i i don't have a lot of faith in that and i guess we also feel like most people too they got like three days in them which is why most people's dreams don't come true what do you want to get in shape they go to the gym like three days in a row and then it just falls off. Yeah. You got to stay in your house pandemic. They can do it for three days. All right, God, I'm going crazy. They start taking that becomes all about them and their own fucking needs. And it doesn't affect me. And I feel good. And just like, you know,

people are, you know, there's a reason why some people are special. It's because they can just go, they can fucking have a goal, see it, and keep marching towards it. Hopefully it's a good one. Because there is the Richard Pryor of serial killers, right? Yeah. Who had a goal to kill as many people as I can, they didn't get tired of it you know like do you think there's serious killers out there that were kind of like comedians that started and then quit it's a lot of work man yeah i did a couple of open mics it wasn't what they thought it was

gonna be and it's just like you gotta cut up the body and you're looking over your shoulder my heart was racing like you tried blow one time it's just not into it that would be interesting to see how many people killed somebody just once yeah because there's people out there that smoked crack once yeah oh wow dude i just i know the exact song that you play during that montage of people that only had did one murder and then stopped right when they admit it you do a montage of all of them right and you just play that song just once can we finally figure out what we've been doing wrong that song something something right you just do the pan everybody just sort of nodding at the camera. And then you do a little animated thing of, like, the way they killed him.

All right, if you had to kill somebody. I did this a long time ago with Joe DeRosa on the Uninformed show we used to do. And we tried to put together the perfect murder. And we had a cop as a guest to try to debunk to see who had the best one. So I go, alright. He goes, okay, let's see your perfect murder. Alright, so a buddy of mine is sitting outside. He goes, it's

over. He goes, you're already caught. I go, why? You can't do it with somebody else because someone's going to get paranoid. Someone's going to freak out. So I lost before i even started all right uh i try to poison a stranger i mean that's the way to do it yeah like if i wanted to kill i'd have to do a stranger no if you have no record nobody knows who you are whatever you know and then you go out and kill somebody that you have no connection to whatsoever and

nobody saw you yeah i bet but now you don't know because now they can see you anywhere oh dude there's so many fucking ring cams and i mean you think they all they have to do is go alexa pull up uh you know like never mind fucking alexa just started chiming in shut up alexa stop never mind you just talk to that thing like a pet my daughter said i would talk with it i would treat it with more respect if it was a man oh man they're going in deep oh dude they they are so dialed into the fact that i'm a misogynist and they're gonna just point it out every if mom did that you would know if mom did that oh yeah they fucking they lean in hard to that i know well is

it really their idea what they're being spoon-fed you know my favorite thing is i love what i did we talk about this last time was when they say like you know you know if a woman does that she's a bitch but if a guy does it you actually respect it's like no you don't nobody likes getting yelled at nobody likes being disrespected i don't respect somebody more if they're a guy and they yell at me and treat me like shit that makes me hate them it makes me not want to work with them it makes me want to fucking beat the shit out of them oh my daughters didn't know that i had a job until they were like they they kept i remember saying something they go yeah mom makes all the money i said mom doesn't have a job and they're like they they kept I remember saying something they go yeah mom

makes all the money I said mom doesn't have a job and they're like yes she does I said what does mom do and they go she writes checks and I was like where do you think that money comes from and they're like mom I go what does mom do to get that money and they're like dad what do you do and I went I work for travel channel and they're like, you go on vacation. You don't have, like, a job, though. I was like, hold on. You think I don't get paid for that? Or, like, you get paid to go work for Travel Channel? And I was like, oh, my God.

Like, the fucking amount of disinformation these kids have gotten spoon fed. I mean, there's a lot. I got to give it up to white women. They picked up the ball and have been running with it. And this pandemic's the first thing that stopped them. And they presented a reality of a white guy's life that is just simply not the case. No.

It happens. You know what i mean it's just like yeah there are white guys that can fucking i guess you know grew up on a yacht and shit like that but like they just don't you know they're just doing that fucking thing where i don't know that is one of my most fascinating social things that i've seen in a long time is the oppressed white woman in the United States of America. Not saying that, you know, there's not misogynistic guys, not saying that there's not sexism, but the level. I mean, it was like roots level that they were painting themselves. And it's like, all right, all right, all right. Let's easy. Because that's the story. The story of slavery is the story in this country if you want empathy. So everybody tries to attach themselves to that. You can't say that word.

That's like our N word. It's like, yeah, minus the slavery and the oppression and the continued getting pulled over for no reason and getting killed for nothing minus that yeah yeah i guess that is the same thing but nobody wants to say anything because they don't want to get in fucking trouble there was a video i saw once i was at the la jolla comedy store and i taught i talked about it once on stage but I was I was up at night drunk had him cigar watching these videos and it and the I can't I haven't been able to find it since but the title was something to the effect of black men hitting feminists and it was it was basically should have

been called test your liberal because ultimately you had to watch an interaction where it was it was basically should have been called test your liberal because ultimately you had to watch an interaction where it was who was more oppressed now in every instance the black guy would always had his hands up like hey it's my parking spot go for and she was like fuck you fuck you and at one point she just touched him too many times and it was inevitably you'd watch it you'd watch your your your your moral switch when he's just like bitch and you'd be like oh like it was it but it was every time it was the exact same scenario of a chick lesbian with her girlfriend girlfriend's filming it and they're attacking this black guy and the black guy's like hey man like i'm trying to keep my nose clean it was every and i have never found that video since

and i it i was i must have watched it a hundred fucking times yeah it's fascinating um that is a fascinating thing that thing where you don't get physical with me but i can get physical with you yeah do you ever see the slap heard around the world you have to have right oh is that the one on the subway you have the dominican guy the six foot six dominican guy and the fucking sexy fucking black chick who's like gotta live like this you're stupid you're stupid you know who wears an eight ball jacket anymore oh yeah yeah oh my god god that's such that video that goes back to the and now i this is gonna sound super almost like grabbed her face it was like he was going in for a dunk oh like his hand became part of her face it was the it was the perfect skin hitting skin sound like smack like it was like it was insane this goes back to we were talking about quentin tarantino there is a weird joy i get at the end of that movie when brad pitts just and the dog are

fucking everyone up where i'm like like going come on like yeah like it's a it's an unhealthy pleasure that i'm getting out of that like i don't know what it is but i get like excited going come on hit her when he's just to the to the fucking mantle like fucking to the point where the you're like come on your eye was i don't know if it's healthy probably isn't i liked uh i like the epic old guy on the bus the old vietnam vet that guy yeah santa claus just beating down that kid um yeah that's why i don't know i i don't you know i don't fuck with people i mean i mess with people on stage or whatever but it's like a joke i don't when i go out in public i do not fuck with people unless i lose my temper which happens but i i don't i try to avoid

that type of horseshit when was the last confrontation you were in with another individual i can tell you mine, 2009. You mean just yelling at somebody? No, like you yelled, things slowed down, and there's the moment where things could have happened. You got out of it, but things could have happened. Like a confrontation that took it too far where you were like, God, man, that was actually, I'm glad that nothing happened there. Oh, that's been a while. Maybe, I mean, it probably doesn't count because I was in a car and the other guy was in a car.

It counts. All right. And he was screaming. It was one of those deals where I pulled, it was clear and I pulled out, but the other guy was going so fucking fast. And then he beeps at me like I'm the asshole. It's like, dude, you're going like 20 miles over the speed limit. There's a reason why the speed limit is 35. Because if you come over the hill doing 70,

I've looked and it's clear and all of a sudden I go out and then you're right on my ass. So he started yelling at me and like i just kept telling him to go fuck himself and he was trying to be all like hard and stuff i just kept going he's like motherfucker i'll fucking blah blah i just kept going fuck you fuck you and he's pointing to pull over and i go fucking pull over i don't give a fuck pull over i'm go, fucking pull over. I don't give a fuck. Pull over. I'm saying other things too. And then he fucking pulled over. And then I was just like, wait, what am I going to do? Literally going to fight? You get to a certain point where it's like, if you've made any money in life, there's no way to win a fight. You either get out and fight and lose and get sued,

or you get out in a fight and you win and then get sued. So no matter what, you're getting sued. Once they find out you have fucking money. And, you know, it's weird. For the younger people out there, when you're 51, you know, you can still feel like you're 27, which I do. Like, I don't – dude, yesterday, oh, my God, because I need to get some cardio because I can't go on hikes or anything. I'm trying to be a good person here, right?

Yeah. So I went in the garage and I went to you know jump rope for like I was gonna do I'm gonna do three two minute rounds I haven't skipped rope in like fucking five years dude I couldn't even do it I kept hitting my feet I'm going what is there something wrong with the rope did I grow my tooth what the fuck and it took me like it was embarrassing and then to get the coordination then I got it going again. And then today I woke up, my foot was killing me. Both calves are tight.

And I was just like, hey, you know what? Get out of your ego. You're too old to do this. Save your feet and calves when you have to run from a coyote. Don't fucking burn them out. Sitting out here doing, skipping rope like you got a title fight coming up. So I've been doing great though, man've been i've been jumping i've i jump rope i'm a i'm a pretty good rope jumper i've heard that about you but yeah i've been running every morning i

do the same fucking thing i get up i have coffee i come out i get on the treadmill i did eight miles yesterday today i did four but i did them fast like i ran them fast and then i get on the treadmill. I did eight miles yesterday. Today I did four, but I did them fast. Like I ran them fast. And then I get in the sauna, get in the pool. And then I just sit in my kitchen going, so what else are we doing today? I've been doing a core workout and just body weight exercises. And I had already like changed my diet before this shit really hit. Yeah. And I'm down eight pounds.

Wow. Yeah. No, but I'm eating perfect. I got a whole diet. Oh, you're eating good? I'm eating like shit. I paid someone to put together a diet. And then I go, I did this before.

And then I just cook all the meals. And I'm kind of loving cooking. And then I get introduced to all these foods that you wouldn't be eating, like parsnips and shit. Like, goddamn, I like parsnips. Who the fuck knew? And, yeah, like for lunch, I had this salad of black beans, lentil beans, a peeled apple diced up in there and then like a balsamic vinaigrette and then whatever green you want to put on it bert and uh i fucking i'm sitting there looking at this shit and i ate it and it you know i actually really enjoyed it and what i like about

eating well is you don't there's nothing like eating bad because you did the sugar salt rush of fucking yeah there's pizza or this fucking you know dessert you can never reach those heights but once you get that sugar salt craving out of you and you're just eating healthy, like the high, like with bad food, the high comes instantly and then, then you drop off. You feel like shit. With healthy food, you can kind of eat it and it's not exciting. That's, that's the worst of feeling like shit. But then afterwards your energy level was, you just fueled your body.

That, that becomes like the high so um i'm trying dude i'm trying to get the fucking six-pack back i gotta do something to focus so i don't go out of my mind being bored so i'm down to like a buck 72 and it just at this point it just becomes all like uh it's like chemistry. So I just have to put together the right foods because I don't want to get any like lighter, you know, maybe 170 or something like that. I just need to eat foods that fuel the body and then burn off.

And I'm telling you, it's one, two, three, four, it's abs five and six are the hardest ones. The ones that sit just right, the ones that are like security for your navel right the secret service of your belly button even like the seven and eight aren't that bad that that fucking that's the one that's the one that pushes out the shirt those are the ones that hang over the pants those are the ones dude like when you start to lose it the first thing is that your back goes first well it's it's the last place you put it on so your head shrinks yeah and then then your back

and then it's the side of the abs and then you get the first mogul then you get the second and then actually seven and eight come in and then those two cunty ones just sitting there like two fucking marshmallows it's the hardest thing ever i couldn't even tell you i'm so far right now i have kind of stalled out at weight loss and i'm running great i'm not drinking i feel awesome but man at like four o'clock three o'clock four o'clock i go through this like just a fucking sweet tooth where i can't stop eating fucking what you have to do is you have to power through that the first day it's all about that first day

and you get through it what you have to do is you got to think it through what's going to feel better tomorrow tomorrow eating this right now or stepping on the scale tomorrow and my stomach's a little flatter you get you got to like you have to get outside that addict it's really an addiction oh and i have nothing else to put my addiction in so it's going to like like i literally sat up we were watching 1917 the other night oh god up what a great fucking movie unbelievable dude i was that's a Dude, that's a movie where you go, man, they really don't make men like that anymore. I wonder what the trade-off was. Clearly, the good is you are the man that is honorable,

and you say, if I'm delivering this letter, I will deliver this letter, even if my life depends on it. And then that's amazing for that generation, man. But there was also a lot of bad things. That's reverse Park Slope American. Yeah. Like, Park Slope guy definitely listens to his girlfriend and doesn't beat her up. That guy probably hit a woman a couple times, but he delivered that letter.

Yeah, there's a balance. There's a balance. You times but he delivered that letter yeah there's a balance you gotta strike that balance i when i watched that movie all i just thought was how hard everybody on that movie worked you do even the extras when they said action they had to run when they told the amount of running in that fucking movie um where dude that's take after take after take and it looks like one shot in those world war one fucking boots and you're in the mud and all of that shit and all of those extras just all piled on top of each other in the trenches it's brutal but dude you got it but getting back to the reason why i went back up to a buck 80 because i've never been a buck 80 when i when i'm not drinking

yeah all right i usually go the other way But what happened was once I quit cigars and I had nothing going on, then it was like another burner on the stove had to be turned on, you know, and that became eating. And all of a sudden I got on this, I could just feel it. I was like, am I back up to a buck 80? That's my, when I see that eight in the second number, that's my, that's the price is right. You know, and you pick the wrong number, bump, bump, a bomb. Oh no, not Billy fat again. Right. So I got myself down, but what happens is, is if you could be like shredded at a buck 68, and then when you go up to a buck 80, you get back down to one 688 those bumps are still there on your stomach because you got it now you have to undo that fucking horseshit that you put in your trans

fats and all of this fucking crap trying to get it out of you and it's really really hard but i'm sticking with it this time i'm doing like a fucking great core workout um playing the best drums of my life i'm fucking loving this pandemic, you know, and I'm telling you, my kid is just at the age where she's going to have to start going to school and I'm going to lose my little buddy around the house all the time, you know? So I'm actually psyched that I'm getting all these extra hours. And so we've been playing Candyland and shoots and ladders and tracing and drawing and you should see T-B-ball dude she's a lefty

and she just has this natural torque thing that she's doing riding bikes uh reading all kinds of books to her and everything she's she's the love of my life dude she's the best and i get all these extra hours with her so hope she misses her friends though though, so that's tough. No, I think it's cool. Being with the girls, especially like George is 15, Isla is 13, so this is the age where they would fuck up and take that wrong path. And the idea that we're hanging out as much as we are, I feel like I'm – They do got that Chrysler blood in them. Yeah. I was smoking weed.

I told – I was hitting bait pens and finger-fucking bitches in the back of a jetta back at that age and so no no no that's a that was a joke i had i fucking fucked it up so um but it's nice to have up your own joke i it's nice to have them like one last run at like my at like keeping my little girls little girls for this little stretch of time where we're just watching we watched uh the truman show last night we're watching movies every night we're having dinner together have you told them that have you told them that listen i'm enjoying this i know i'm a cornball at this point at this age can you tell um a kid at that age that listen

you're gonna be going out in the world soon. And you're not going to understand like the, until you're a parent, what it's like to, you know, those first few years that everybody, for some reason, seems to bitch about, like those few years before, like they go to school, once they can walk and they can talk and you can have conversations and stuff it's like you basically created a friend oh you know it's amazing and it's just like it's the greatest experience you could ever i mean that i've ever had um oh they get better too they get a man i mean like i i've had experiences with georgia not not so much with Isla. Isla's a little bit closed off emotionally.

Like you'll have fun moments with Isla, like moments that you could never imagine, just crazy fun that you're laughing hysterically. Georgia had moments where, like this is one of my most, I mean, I'm talking like fucking break your heart moments. We're about to redo the house before we, before we renovated and we were tearing down the girl's room and Georgia just was dragging her feet and she wasn't, she wasn't moving.

She wasn't moving her stuff out of the room into the pod. So we were like, come on, we're starting demo tomorrow. And we're kind of, we're kind of like hustling them, not realizing that there's a little bit of trauma that's going along with this. And Leanne goes, hey, go back into Georgia's room and tell her she needs to pack. So I go back. She had the bunk beds. I go back and I sit on the bottom bunk and I sit down with Georgia.

I go, baby, we got to pack this room up. And she says to me, I wish I could tell you exactly how old she was. She must have been like fifth grade, fourth grade, fifth grade. She said, starts crying. And she says, the second they tear down this room, my childhood goes away. She goes, all my memories were made in this room, daddy. I'm not ready to be a big girl yet. I don't want to be.

She had the ability to say that at that age? Holy shit she's crying and bill and then she stops and looks at me and she goes she sees that i'm emotional she goes it's okay to cry daddy and i just fucking bawled we just held each other and we're sobbing crying and you know me by when i get emotional i start to get angry so like i'm sobbing crying she's sobbing crying and i was like fuck this we look this house is fine the way it is fuck it and i walk out of the room i go they're not moving their fucking room leon fuck this motivation and georgia just said give me one more night in this room give me and isla one more night of sharing a room and being in this room where all our memories were made one more day of playing one more night and then i'll be ready the next day and man sure enough the next day she didn't say a word she packed her shit

like a fuck i think that's because she's a girl and they're in touch with their feelings where a boy would feel the same thing and he wouldn't say anything about it okay stupid stupid room just bunch of walls and then he would act out later you know he's just yelling at somebody yelling at somebody to pull over years later in their neighborhood dude we got to wrap this up man my kid's getting up from the nap soon so all right next week i'm it's not like i'm booked i got nothing to do this is perfect man i love doing it like this this is awesome well i will say this though uh when this thing is over there was some movie that you mentioned was it once upon a time in hollywood i was like i gotta go over there and smoke a fucking cigar

yeah yeah something that you mentioned maybe it was once upon a time i don't know Was it Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I was like, I got to go over there and smoke a fucking cigar. Yeah. Something that you mentioned. Maybe it was Once Upon a Time. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I'm longing for some humor and interaction. That would be nice.

Yeah. I would just like to, I just want to run down the street. Fucking get out, you know? How crazy would it be if you just knocked on your neighbor's door? Just knocked. He was like, what the fuck are you doing here? And you're like, hey, man. You didn't hear?

It's over. I do my dad's practical joke, but it's like, ah, gotcha. It's not over. Right in his face. Let's do this next week. All right. All right, his face. Awesome. Let's do this next week. All right. All right, everybody. Stay safe.

Just try to everybody pull in the same direction. I'm going to go play some drums and then go play with my daughter. All right, guys. I'm going to hang out with my daughter. I'll talk to you later, buddy. Thank you for watching The Bill. Bert. Pod.

Cast. See you next week.