The Bill Simmons Podcast - Ep. 11: Week 7 NFL w/ Cousin Sal

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

HBO's Bill Simmons guesses Week 7 lines, and talks Seattle's swoon, Cam Newton as MVP, Indy's 'Snapfu', Kimmel's first pitch, Andrew Luck voices, and Pats-Jets with Cousin Sal. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's episode of the BS Podcast is brought to you by Betterment. As the first automated investing service, Betterment has revolutionized investing and made it easier and less expensive to be a smarter investor. Get personalized advice and investment management for a fraction of the cost of traditional services. Sign up today and get up to six months of free automated investing. Full terms and conditions at Betterment.com slash BS. Betterment. Investing made better. The Bill Simmons Podcast is also brought to you by HBO

because they were nice enough to give me my own television show that launches next spring. Thank you, HBO. Newsflash, you don't need cable or satellite to watch HBO anymore. Just download the HBO Now app and start your free one-month trial today. Welcome to the Bill Simmons Podcast. Monday, October 19th. A lot of stuff happening in the NFL. A lot of stuff happening in general. What a great time for sports.

Cousin Sal is on the line from Brooklyn. They're doing a whole week of Jimmy Kimmel Live shows there that start tonight. And you probably have spotty cell service, but we're going to fight through this, Sal. How are you? What's happening, buddy? How are things by you? Well, you went to two Mets games.

I thought the Cubs were going to kill the Mets in this series. This is why I don't bet baseball. Cold but awesome, right? It was cold. It was great, you know, because I was at the games in L.A. I don't like to brag. I really don't. the i was at the games in la i don't like to brag i really don't but i was games in la and we were miserable it was like 92 degrees and then we came here i think it was a high of 38 uh last night or a low of 38 but it was a terrific feeling

and i really do i don't want to say i feel bad for the cubs because this series is not over by any means but it does seem like once you go from the second week in october to the third week in october it really could affect teams bats on both teams to the point where you get zeros across the board for one time i mean the cubs were unstoppable against cargill right yeah it's just completely different you know harvey and cinder guard were great but uh i really no sport you can blame the result on the weather more than baseball, I don't think. And then on Friday night on Colbert's show,

our friend Jimmy went on there, your cousin, my cousin, and our agent, James Babydoll Dixon, came out and they made him pasta and he had to pick which pasta was better and he picked Colbert's and I've never been more hurt in my life. It was terrible. We should have been able to bet on that. But yeah, Baby didn't really even have a defense for that. Other than it was Colbert's show and he thought he'd be killing him off if he picked Jimmy's

pasta. But it got physical at the end. If anyone cares to watch it, if you haven't seen it by now, it's worth taking a look at. Did Baby really chip a tooth, or what happened there? Yeah, I think he had a veneer, you know, and last night he explained, you know, I paid $2,000 a tooth up front here,

and I got little tiny yellow teeth underneath, but yeah, he chipped, Jimmy tried to put him in a headlock or something, I think he hit the table until the pasta was on, or something weird happened. Baby, I think it hit the table until the pasta was on or something weird happened. Baby, I think it's on YouTube. Baby came out like he was really ready to do some comedy. I like when Baby's intentionally trying to be funny.

It's always when he's the funniest, but not for the reasons he thinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was terribly unfunny, but great for us. He was, he was, he was uh i was just dying i'm like half asleep it's midnight on friday and i and i immediately woke up and just started laughing um he almost missed his own segment let me say two minutes before his segment he decides he has to have a cigarette he goes out in the cold and then i was like all right i'm not even gonna stop him in fact i think i'm gonna lock out here. And right when I went to lock him out, he's like, you know what, baby?

Maybe I should stick around here. Yeah, good idea. Maybe you should stick around for a live taping. So wait a second. One last thing about that Cubs-Mets series. So you've won the first two. Now it goes to Chicago for three and four.

Right. What is the line right now? You know, I didn't even check. I'm looking it up. I'm afraid to even jinx it. I have to say the Mets are minus one. 220. Oh, my God.

You're minus 420. 420. Oh, it goes 232, though. Yeah, yeah. They got three in Chicago. It's supposed to be warmer. Minus 420. You know, you keep waiting for these young arms. These guys have ice water in their veins.

They're really just the Grom and Harvey and the guard. It reminds me of the Cubs with the Bartman year. They had all these young guns, and it's like, all right, they're up 3-1. There's no way they're going to blow it, but they did. I don't want to drink this too much, but we're looking good. As I told you and the other Mets fans I'm friends with, the Cubs have, I think, a more talented team, but they have 108 years of baggage,

and this is right around the time when baggage starts surfacing and baggage and karma and all this weird stuff starts going on. And falling down 2-0, if you can get a lead in game three, I think those fans are going to get real nervous, and there's going to be a weird energy in that park. All right, let's talk about... I feel weird. Let me just say I feel weird doing it with two guys that we're almost definitely not going to resign.

Best of this to Murphy. But however it gets done, let's get it done. Well, Murphy're almost definitely not going to resign. Best of this to Murphy, but however it gets done, let's get it done. Well, Murphy is now like Rogers Hornsby. Yeah. He's the best baseball player in the world. The perfect postseason player.

He's going to make contact. He's a playmaker. He's not going to strike out. That's what you need in this kind of weather and these kind of games. He's golfing them out now. And that's what you need in this kind of weather and these kind of games. But, yeah, he's like golfing them out now. Like, I'll hit one way foul, and then the next pitch, he'll be like, all right, I'll find that low and outside and put it over the fence.

Amazing. My buddy Gus, his son Jack is 12, and this is his first playoff rodeo because the Mets really haven't been involved since 06, but he was like a baby. And we were texting on Saturdayurday and i was just saying like look you you gotta savor every minute of this you know the the red socks when i was a kid they made it when i was 6 and 75 and they made it when i was 16 in 1986 and then we didn't get back until 1999 when I was 30. Right.

You just don't know. And it's so great, but I, I was almost jealous of him. You know, 12 year old loves baseball. Like one of the few kids under 15 who actually likes baseball. And just like when, when you're in this and just every pitch or swing with just every moment and every momentum shift and all that. Like, what's better? Nothing's better. There's nothing better and there's nothing worse, too. Right.

Because you and I talked about it. There's nothing. There's no elation. There's just relief at the end. And it's just, I mean, they show these people being interviewed after the game. Like, yeah, screw the Cubs. I was with Ari at his mother last night. Wow, I'm just not wired like that.

I can't get anywhere near as excited as that. I'm just like, just like it's a four and a half hour, four hour beating. It really is. And you just feel relief after, like when we went in 04, when we beat the Yanks, when we came back, like game four and five, like we had walk-offs to win four and five and, and, uh and uh you know that's different because that's more of a release but the actual process that led to the walk-offs is takes like 10 years off your life yeah there's nothing fun about it like it's it's like watching your two-year-old kid walking on a roof or something you know know? Right. It's just torture. So, all right, let's get to the lines because a lot of stuff happened this weekend. I was really...

Yeah, it did. Especially this Thursday night game we have. The Seahawks are at San Francisco. The Seahawks have, in their last seven games, if you go back to Super Bowl XLIX, they've blown fourth quarter leads in, let's see, Super Bowl XLIX, the Rams, the Packers, the Bengals, and the Panthers. And then they almost blew the Lions game.

Johnson fumbled on the one-inch line. So they had leads in the fourth quarter in six of those games, lost five and almost lost the Detroit game. The one game they did win was Jimmy Claussen at home. What is going on, Sal? Going back to baseball, could this be a Chuck Knobloch thing or a thief that way you just can't throw to first from second anymore? Like Pete Carroll can't coach the fourth quarter since the Super Bowl.

He just lost his mojo. Well, how many times did they get beat, Carroll can't coach the fourth quarter since the Super Bowl. He just lost his mojo. Well, how many times did they get beat like this allegedly incredible secondary, you know, and these allegedly incredible safeties? How many times have teams just beaten them right over the middle? Right. Like Olsen was wide open yesterday. The Pats, over and over again, we threw over the middle on them.

Johnson was wide open over the middle on that touchdown. You know, it feels like we might have overrated the Legion of Boom here. I'm sure they were good for a while, but I don't think they're as good as we thought they were. Well, now they're blaming, like, they can't get the radio signal in from the sideline because it's too loud, and that's screwing up the defensive coverages and everything and the scheming. And, yeah, Sherman's screaming at everybody. But, yeah, I think Pete Carroll just has to be like,

hey, it's fourth quarter, guys, I'm leaving. Let's get the other coordinators to take over. I'm going to go home and prepare for next week. Let me know how it turns out. He's lost it. Yeah, that was an unacceptable loss yesterday. You have to win that game. Because now they're 2-4.

Well, at least the Cardinals lost, so they're in striking distance to them. But just from a chance of getting a bye now in the NFC, that ship has probably sailed unless they can run the slate. It's tough. But more importantly, you watch the Carolina team, and this is why you can make a case for Cam Newton to be the MVP. Who the hell is he throwing to? Greg Olson is not Rob Gronkowski.

He's good. He's not great. And then the receivers are just a bunch of no-names, and this guy's coming back from double figures. I picked up Ginn because he had like seven targets. I don't even know if he played yesterday. He didn't get anything. Barely got anything.

But yeah, Greg Olsen seems to be unstoppable. A lot of these tight ends in these leagues. Like Barnage and Eifert and obviously you have the best, Gronkowski. Jimmy Graham's not even in the conversation for that. But as the Colts showed yesterday, I actually thought the Colts did a good job in the first half of that game

from a coaching standpoint until things got shot to hell. Yeah, just make sure he doesn't catch the ball. It's pretty easy to stop a tight end coming off the line of scrimmage. Just throw multiple guys at him. With Carolina, I don't understand. Just take out Greg Olson. Let Devin Funchess beat you.

Let Ted Ginn Jr. beat you. These guys are great. Go ahead. Get 100 yards. Very strange. That's a bizarre ending. These guys are great. Go ahead. Get 100 yards. Very strange. That's a bizarre ending. Bizarre ending. So every year we talk about the year from hell teams.

Like last year, San Francisco had the year from hell. You could just feel it the whole year. And I even think I might have picked it. This year, clearly Baltimore is having the year from hell. They're 1-5. They're not bouncing back. Is Seattle a year from hell team? They're 2-4.

Like, could this turn around? What if they lose on Thursday night? Well, there's more than just Baltimore. I know you're making a point, but Baltimore, Kansas City, I mean, 2-10, those two teams. And there was another terrible one. New Orleans. That was not.

Well, I mean, did Kansas City go into this season with high expectations, though? Baltimore and Seattle were considered to be Super Bowl contenders. Right, right. But Detroit. Oh, Detroit's the other one. You can't forget they were a playoff team last year. Detroit and Baltimore are 2-10. They could end up.

Yep. They could end up 6-26 between them. They honestly could. Well, Detroit should have lost yesterday. Yeah. Is that game still going on? That was ridiculous. Jim Caldwell and John Fox are locked in a checkers match.

So I have Seattle giving 3.5 points in San Francisco, and if they don't take care of business in this game, I think all hell's going to break loose. Well, all right, I had it four. I'm going to get this. It's five and a half, actually. That's too high. I think these teams are way more evenly matched than that.

Yeah, and Kaepernick, we talked about this last week. If you're not rushing him, he's pretty good. If Seattle can rush him and get after him, I think he'll fall apart. But I think we've now established that he's two different guys. And if you're rushing him, he's in a ton of trouble. And if you're not, he can, you know, do some stuff. I like the Niners in this game. That's a tough one.

I kind of do, too. There's a lot of pride in that matchup, five and a half. In that Vegas zone you talk about, which is usually a tough one. I kind of do too. There's a lot of pride in that matchup, five and a half. The Nat Vegas zone you talk about, which is usually a stay away, but yeah, I'd take the Niners if we had to. Also, we're taping this right now.

It's like basically noon East coast time. Right. A lot of stuff could happen in that Seattle locker room over the next 36 hours. You know, a lot of finger pointing, some quotes, some unnamed guys.

Like I'm prepared for anything. I think that whole team is a powder keg. Really? Yeah. Just dating back to, I thought it was really strange that there were guys on that team during the Super Bowl that actually thought they didn't give the ball to Marshawn Lynch for the winning touchdown. What a weird thing to think.

Like what kind of team chemistry do you have if there are people actually thinking that and then the russell francessa told you that was the worst call in nfl history he did that you benefited from that was a terrible terrible call and then uh and then you know that whole story in sports illustrated about how they went to hawaii to try to heal the offense and the defense and And Cam Chancellor, can we call Cam Chancellor a dick for holding out? It seems like he really screwed up that secondary with the holdout. He just signed a contract a year ago. You could do it.

You can call him a dick. You can do worse than that. You're HBO now. You can call him whatever you want. Well, I don't want him to beat me up. I just say maybe he could be perceived as being a little dickish. I don't even know if he could beat you up at this point. Yeah, that seems a mess. All right. I don't even know if he could beat you up at this point. Yeah.

That seems a mess. All right. I don't know. Let's go to the Sunday games. Let's do it. And what'd you have for Buffalo Jacksonville? Oh, God. Is that our second London game?

Well, you know what? I wasn't going to even tell you. I was going to try to trick you. I was like, I wonder if he even knows the London game. Maybe I could win a spread from you here. But, yes, it's the second London game. We sent them our garbage again. And, yeah, early, 6.30 in the morning on the West Coast.

I mean, is this the way to get football going in London, by just sending us two of the seven worst teams in the league over and over again? He got London. I mean, it's still retribution for the Tea Party, us two of the seven worst teams in the league over and over again? Here you go, Lennon. It's still retribution for the tea party or something. Here we go. Here's E.J. Manuel and Blake Bortles. God, Blake Bortles. He had a couple doozies yesterday, man.

He threw an interception in the end zone right before halftime. That was just offensive. And then one of the worst pick sixes of the year his pick six it's hard to throw a worse pick six than a couple of the ones manning through this year but uh blake burtles he did it yeah and then he did also like somebody needs to teach him how to be cooler as a quarterback after he makes a mistake like he reacted like the same way one of our sons would react in,

in a baseball game. If the ball rolled through his legs or something, he's like a seven year old. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that, maybe Landry Jones could teach him. There's a lot of guys who were just shocking that they performed at the

level they do. How sad is it that I follow college football so little that I was shocked to find out Landry Jones is white? Oh, come on. Yeah, I really was. I was like, oh, Landry Jones is white. What is happening? I had no idea.

No, you knew. No, I really didn't. Sounds like our car dealership in Reseda. I picked it up at Landry Jones. God, I'll give you a good deal. Or it sounds like a TNT show. So I have the Bills by five and a half over the Jags. Oh, you went high here.

I said three, and it's three and a half. What do you mean I went high here? The Jaguars are terrible. How did I go high here? Aren't they going to blitz Blake Bortles for four quarters? It does seem like that team can't win. They just get in their own way.

The Bills, to me, are the team that not only do we not know if they're good, but every game they play, they screw up. I guess they're not. Going into the year, who did they beat in the first home game? They beat Miami. They beat Miami. Wow, maybe they'll lose to the Patriots, but that's it. 7-1 at home, for sure. They beat Miami. You're like, wow, maybe they'll lose to the Patriots. But that's it.

7-1 at home for sure. For sure. But, yeah, they're not good. All right. What else do we have? I don't know if – I might have that game on on Sunday morning, but I'm not positive I'll be paying attention to it. I might just have it on in the background.

It sounds like you want to do a 49ers Jaguars teaser plus 11 and a half or plus 11 and a half plus nine and a half and then just be done. You don't even have to watch the rest of the day. Let's quickly talk about how every year we agree never to do a three-team tease. And then this year we just felt like we're getting 10 free points with the Patriots because there's no way they're losing in Indianapolis. So it's like, so we're basically doing a two team tease with 10 points instead of six using

the Patriots. And for people that don't know what a tease is, just to quickly say, you get to move the line by six points, but both teams have to then cover that line. If only one covers, you lose. So in this case, we had a three team or or ten points but the pats are one of them so we're winning that

so we do we do we make green bay the second team and then we have denver as the third team in one and arizona is the third team in the other and we had to sweat out all of those teams like and then we lose with arizona arizona loses to landry jones we lost money to landry jones but we should we should know better yeah the landry jones thing was bad but we should know better like when you and i are talking you're like green bay new england is a is a gimme let's just add somebody else like yeah i should stop you right there like green bay, New England, give me. Done.

Let's do it. Minus 240, those two. Let's not even add anybody. Money line parlay. What are we doing? You're right. Money line parlay. You're right.

Let's do it. What's wrong with us? Yeah. And then Arizona snuck because we were getting like five points with Arizona when you had 10. Yeah. Spread, right? And then they were right around 23-18 for a while. Like, all right, even a field goal.

They loot whatever, but to blow that, that was bad. Yeah, and somehow, the one thing I was sure of yesterday was that the Patriots were beating Indianapolis. I didn't know what the final score was going to be. I just knew they were going to win. And I won no money on that because, you know, it's just a shame. All right, what else do we have on Sunday? Well, Pittsburgh, as long as we're on the Landry Jones talk,

Pittsburgh or Kansas City. And I just read that Roethlisberger is unlikely to play week seven. I didn't know that. I figured he would play. Well, the Steelers, they did a nice job of lingering here, you know, because there's going to be a couple wildcard spots open in the AFC. And if you look at it, it's really just Miami, the Jets and the Steelers would be the three teams you would say have a chance, right? There's no other AFC team. The Dolphins could get hot.

We talked about this last week. You know, they look good. They might have just needed a new coach, and they can't be ruled out yet. I don't think the Bills, I don't think the Texans, who are we missing here? No, we're not missing anybody. I went through it.

It's Bills. I'm sorry. It's Jets, Steelers, Dolphins. Oh, you're right. That's terrible. And then that's it. You're right. Even the Chargers are pathetic.

Wow. Yeah, that's across all of them. Well, I mean, we didn't say, like, with this slate, and you're about to see the rest of these early games, it makes for the most miserable early slate in a while, I think because three of the undefeated, Cincinnati, Denver, and Green Bay are off, and Chicago as well. But Pittsburgh and Kansas City.

Oh, all right. Actually, hold on. It's time for the biggest mailbag question ever presented by our old friend Stamps.com. Going to the post office is a miserable experience from start to finish. For God's sakes, have some self-respect. Just use Stamps.com.

At Stamps.com, you can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. Even better if you sign up for Stamps.com and you can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. Even better if you sign up for Stamps.com and use the promo code BS. You get a four-week trial plus a $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in BS at Stamps.com. Enter BS. Here's the big question. Sal, who can we cross off?

Who can we just cross off for the season? I have three. I know I have five teams I'm crossing off, and you could talk me into three more. I think I had five also. Go ahead. All right. Detroit, Baltimore, Jacksonville, Tennessee, and Kansas City. I think I'm crossing all of them off.

Yeah. Well, maybe there was another one. No, that's it. There's three other possibles. You could talk me into the Saints. Mm-hmm. You could talk me into the Bears. For some reason, you can't totally talk me into the Browns yet,

just because nine and seven might get the AFC wild card they're the best bad team right they're my favorite bad team right now yeah competitively they have fantasy guys who put up numbers it's not bad for them how about the Ravens being a cross off

yeah I know Ravens Chiefs Lions Ravens Chiefs Lions a cross off. Yeah, I know. Dog, that is unbelievable. Ravens, Chiefs, Lions. Yeah, the Ravens aren't going to, they're not going to go. Ravens, Chiefs, Lions, 3-15. Crazy. All right, let's get the rest of this in. Okay, so Pittsburgh or Kansas City?

Oh, okay. I have the Chiefs by three, just because of Landry Jones. Chiefs by three, wow. Well, you should jump on the Chiefs then because I said plus three and the Chiefs are getting three and a half points. Wow. You have six and a half points there.

Wait a second. So you're telling me Landry Jones is favorite in Arrowhead Stadium? Four and two at one and five. Steelers find a way to keep these close at least. Landry Jones is favorite in Arrowhead Stadium? 4-2 at 1-5. Steelers find a way to keep these close, at least. Landry Jones is favored in Arrowhead Stadium. Okay. Yeah, I guess so.

This feels like a wonky week. I'm getting ready for it. What else do we got? You already have a nice underdog teaser thing going. Three teams already you like. Alright, Houston and Miami. FYI, we are due for the underdog week. It has not happened yet. Yeah, that's true.

Pittsburgh. No, no, I'm sorry. Miami. I had trouble with this. I threw this in the Vegas zone. I had Miami by five. You're going to get it. I said three. It is four and a half.

Okay. And I'll tell you what, that's team number six, whoever loses this game, I would say, right, for the cross-off? Yeah, but, you know, there's some signs here that Miami might come on because they did what they should have done the whole season. They ran the ball. Cameron Wake finally came back and started doing Cameron Wake things. They just looked a little more

engaged. I know that was the perfect game for them in a lot of ways for who they played. They're sending this Campbell, this coach. It's nice that he invigorated the team defense and everything, but they're sending him to Canton, Ohio a little too soon. If you and I had two weeks to prepare for the Titans offense,

I think we'd stay within a touchdown. And Ken Wisenhunt might be the worst coach in the league. Yeah. I don't know who's worse than him now that Joe Philbin's gone. I'd have to really look at it closely, and we'd also have to decide whether Andy Reid has now deteriorated to the point that he's in that conversation. Well, I have something to say about both of them.

The Ken Wisenhunt thing, to think that people are purposely trying to take Marcus Mariota out of the game in a dirty way. No. You want him in that game. That's not going to benefit your team to get him kicked out. Right. And also, the guy fell.

It was like he hadn't seen the clip. It definitely wasn't intentional. All right, let's keep going. Cleveland at St. Louis. You love this game. It definitely wasn't intentional. All right, let's keep going. Right. Cleveland at St. Louis. You love this game. This is a good game. This is the second best game of the day. This will be on my TV, on one of my TVs.

Oh, wait, did we even say? I'm sorry, did we even say Atlanta, Tennessee? Did I get that one? No, all right, let's do Cleveland at St. Louis. Sorry about that. I have the Rams by six. Ooh, I get this one. I said five and a half, and it's five.

Vegas zone. It's in the Vegas zone. Let me just say this. I don't have a lot of confidence in Josh McCown in St. Louis. And I think Josh McCown got a lot of chits that maybe he didn't deserve from the fact that he lit up the Ravens, who have a terrible team. Right, right, right. You know?

This Rams defense. Look, let's not forget, Josh McCown is 35 years old and has played on 10 teams in the last 12 years. And now he's going against a top-five defense in the city that that defense plays. I would be careful with this one. No, you're right. But I think, though, let's remember why we liked the Rams in the first place. Because they beat Arizona, right? It wasn't Seattle.

No, they beat Arizona, and then they played tough with Green Bay. Yeah, no, they're good. The Rams might be good, yeah. Let's go Atlanta, Tennessee. I hated this game. I had the Falcons by four. I don't feel good about it at all. I said four as well, and it's four and a half.

Wow. I don't like it at all. This is a Vegas zone week. This is bordering on a let's be careful out there week. I don't like any of these matchups. This is the one you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah, everyone's down on, well, Atlanta was bad this week too.

So it's not like they've still continued winning and they're going to get slapped in the face here. That's a stay away. That Atlanta coaching staff with 10 days to prepare against Ken Wisenhut makes me nervous if I'm betting on Tennessee. You're right. Tampa Bay at Washington. Tampa Bay at Washington.

So House and I both gave Washington as a pick on Friday. And then I read on Saturday that like Washington's whole team was out. And I actually backed off and did the rare, the rarely seen Sunday switch to the Jets. Yeah. Washington was missing like three offensive linemen, both starting corners. And I mean,

maybe we should have known that on Friday, but. Do you want to back off the blue jacketsets pick, too, that you gave everybody? No. As a courtesy for listening to us. Aren't they 0-6? That's technically true. Yeah.

It's a long season, Sal. It's an 82-game season the last time I checked. You had thousands of people check to see if they're even a team. And they are. And then they bet them. And now they're not going to win a game this year. Oh, I have to say, I have to do a really quick hockey tangent. I took my daughter to Friday's

Kings game. They played Minnesota. And at the last second, my son decided he wanted to go. So we had to go online and buy a ticket from SeatGeek, which was fantastic. Took him. He sat on my lap. Really boring game for the most part.

Mid-October. It's, you know, it's the guys, whatever. And then it's a tie at the end of regulation goes to overtime. And they play three on three. And it was like the most exciting four minutes of my life. It was unbelievable how exciting it was. It was like nothing I've ever seen. It was almost like watching kids in a parking lot or something and just all kinds of creativity.

And at one point they passed back to the goalie and guys were staying on. They couldn't get off the ice. And it was just breakaway after breakaway after breakaway and it was incredible and that's great what you you won't believe you'll you like going to hockey games you won't believe how exciting it is i loved it i love it yeah no and i it's perfect and i almost think what if they did that for football what if they found just like the perfect flag football formula, like seven on seven or something for overtime? Yeah. I mean,

it almost made me wonder if they should, if hockey during the regular season should just the second period should be three on three. Just the second period. Put this way. Nobody's going to get a drink or food during the second period. If it's three on three for 20 minutes, it would be,

it would be amazing. All right. Let's keep going. Yeah. All right. Tampa Bay at Washington. I have the Washington professional football team by four and a half. I don't feel good about it.

You should feel good enough. It's four, and I said three. So you get that one. So that's another game. You have a chance there at home. That's another game that could edge into the Vegas zone. That's true. It could get up there. Wow, there's a lot there at home. That's another game that could edge into the Vegas zone. That's true. It could get up there.

Wow, there's a lot, right? Yeah. Like five out of the first seven. Wonky week. Stay away. Let's just never take them on the road, though, because they'll put up a fight, and then they just crumble like no one's business. Yeah.

Minnesota at Detroit. Detroit. Is Teddy Bridgewater good? Are we sure he's good? No, I don't know. It's funny. I was watching with some friends yesterday, and they're like, I'm not on Bridgewater. Are we sure he's ever going to be good?

Yeah. Makes some weird plays. I don't know about his receivers, though, either. True. I'm not sure that, you not sure that Cordero Patterson never panned out. Yeah, he's like the opposite of James Jones. Cordero Patterson's

bizarro James Jones. James Jones has no athletic ability whatsoever and somehow can catch passes with 17 guys draped all over him. Cordero Patterson has an Adonis body and 4'2 speed and can't get open and can't catch anything. Nothing, yeah.

Lions, I have—I can't believe I'm doing this. I have the Lions giving one and a half points to Minnesota. Wow. I said Vikings by three, and it's two and a half. Vikings by two and a half. Wow. I think you have to look at the—I know what you're thinking here, but you have to look at the records from this point forward.

They're not going to make a one and five a favorite, even if they're home against a rival or in division. Yeah, but the Lions figured out something at the end of that Bears game. Their entire offense should just be Matthew Stafford throwing the ball 60 yards downfield to Calvin Johnson. That should be their whole offense. Just do it every series. It's true. If you're the other team, downfield to Calvin Johnson. That should be their whole offense. Just do it every series. It's true.

If you're the other team, you're like, fuck. They're going to do this 15 times. He's going to catch four of them. We'll have three pass interferences. Yep. And your boy, for now, McPhee, had that late hit on Stafford, which I don't really think was a late hit. That saved Paul Lowe's job, I think.

I think he's fired before we do this podcast. That's not called. But I don't know this game. The Vikings can play 100 more games, and I won't be able to tell if they're good or not. Yeah, me neither. New Orleans and Indianapolis. Speaking of teams we don't know are good,

Colts, I have the Colts by six and a half. I get this one. I said six, and it's five and a half right now. Another Vegas-owned game. So what did you think of a nickname for that atrocious fake punt play? Barnwell said Snap-Fu, which I kind of liked. Oh, that's good. I liked the Snap-Mary because it was basically the snap version of a Hail Mary.

It was certainly the worst play of the last 25 years. And I like that. My favorite part was that Pagano got upset that they snapped the ball. It's like, why are you in a formation with nine guys on the right side of the field for no reason at all? You're down six. What are you doing? Am I the only one in the world who thinks that was a smart play? The snap?

That was terrible. No, it was terrible. No, but listen, you line up the center, who's normally a wide receiver, and you tell him, hey, just take the first three guys that come after you. And then it should work. You had three guys? It was so bad. It was great.

I'm so mad that the Patriots, I know why they did it, because the offensive line was so banged up. They were like, we're just getting out of here. We don't want anyone to get hurt. Let's just throw away. We're up by 13. They're not going to beat us. We had the ball three straight series where we didn't get a first down.

You know who wasn't happy with that fourth quarter is our friend Hench. He wasn't. He should have bet the Colts. They weren't covering. They weren't going to cover. I consider that a loss if they didn't win by 50. The game that's supposed to win by 70. Hench sent two classic Hench emails.

What did he say? You know, Hench, for the people listening, our friend Hench is just never satisfied ever, even though we've won nine titles in the last 13 years. First of all, Hedge complained that Malcolm Butler can't actually get an interception, but it touches six balls a game and was like, was this our penalty for the Super Bowl XLIX game-winning pick that he will never hold on to another interception again?

So that was great. Hedge became the first person ever to complain about the Malcolm Butler interception that won the Super Bowl and then and then second he blamed the three straight three and outs that we had for Matthew Slater getting injured which actually really hurt us because

you know that guy's the best special teams gunner in the league and uh and it was just bizarre like we had a second and four we got to delay a game and coming out of the delay game we got to time out it did seem like the league got in their ear and said we don't want a 20 point win there but it It's not good for anybody. Just win by seven, and that'll be that. I'm fine with it. I'm fine with the whole just get out of there with the win because you don't want Gronk to get hurt getting over the middle.

You don't want Brady to get sacked by three guys because the four-string right tackle missed a guy. I get it. But if we had had a healthy team, I think they'd run it up. Probably, yeah. Listen, you had a gift. That play was ridiculous. What were they up by? I was coming

home from the game at that point. Sal, we were always winning that game. We were always winning the game. I was never nervous. Alright, okay. For Pagano to now say, no, we didn't want to snap the ball. We wanted to maybe draw them offside. Well, when are you more likely to draw a team offside?

When there are eight men on the line or when there are three men on the line? What are you doing? It's so stupid. Right. And then they said they practiced the play for a year, but somehow they got an illegal motion or whatever, illegal formation. Anyway, hey, can you have Vince McMahon ask Andrew Luck what he thought of his performance last night? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

We take you now to the comments of one Andrew Luck. Andrew, coming off a defeat once again of the New England Patriots at the hands of New England Patriots. You, this week, in Roanoke, Virginia, against the Saints. What do you have to say about yesterday first? I wasn't happy about my performance at all. I overthrew

11 guys where I just sailed the ball over their heads, and I just felt like you could make a YouTube video pretty easily of Christopher Cross singing Sailing as my passes sailed over everyone's heads. And also, the Patriots touched eight of my passes yesterday,

and it just wasn't good enough. And what really scares me is the Patriots fans just weren't I didn't make them nervous at all like Bill Simmons was was in his living room and he just wasn't nervous at all about what I was doing that whole game and I just have to get better thank you thank you Andrew Luck we appreciate your candor as always thank you I really I really I really went all out on the Andrew Luck this week. You did. Well, it's weird that he's worried about what you're thinking of him in your living room. You know, he should be

concerned with other things. This is why his play has suffered. He should be a little worried that no Patriot fan was like, uh-oh, Andrew Luck can score two touchdowns here and beat us by one. I never felt that way in the fourth quarter, ever. Yeah. What do you think? You think they're giving too many points this week? score two touchdowns here and beat us by one. I never felt that way in the fourth quarter ever. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think? You think they're giving too many points this week? What did we say the line was? Saints. We haven't yet. Oh, I have Colts by six and a half. Oh, I'm sorry. We did.

Yeah, I said six. It was five and a half. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we would normally put that in a teaser, but we don't trust the Colts for the rest of the year. Well, the other thing is we don't know how injured those two quarterbacks are. I thought Luck looked

like he was hurt last night, to be honest. Yeah. It could have been. All right, now we get to Jets and Patriots. Really the only game worth watching this week. You know what, Sal? This is such a good game. I think you need

to know about the feeling of great-f fitting underwear that's two times softer than cotton. You need to know about MeUndies.com. MeUndies is the most comfortable underwear you will ever wear. It's insane how good they make you feel. They're made from Modul, which is sustainably sourced from beechwood trees in Austria, resulting in a fabric that is two times softer than cotton. They sent me some, Sal. They sent me some.

They sent me some in the mail. And they were awesome, which is great for me because half of my underwear had holes in them. So now, not only do I not have underwear with holes, but now I have really comfortable MeUndies underwear. And for your wife, Sal, they just launched an All of Me women's collection, a four-piece line of undies. Really?

Designed specifically for the female body in all of its complex, gorgeous as hell glory. They even have photos on the MeUndies.com website. So go to MeUndies.com BS. You get 20% off your first order. You save even more if you buy a pack. Shipping to the U.S. and Canada is free. If you don't love them, your first pair is free.

Once you feel MeUndies on your body, you're never going back. Here it is again, MeUndies.com slash BS. All right, here's my Pat's pick. Well, hold on. Let me ask you. If you're going to send me a pair of MeUndies, do you recommend doing it by Stamps.com or going to the post office? How am I going to get this pair? No, no, no.

What you're going to do is you're going to get a whole bunch of them from MeUndies, and then you mail them with stamps.com, and then you get the rarely seen Bill Simmons podcast Daily Double. So look out for that. I have the Pats. I'm going to have to listen back. Go ahead. I have the Pats by 9.5.

I think I'm high, but I don't care. We split this. The actual spread is 9. I said 8. high, but I don't care. We split this. The actual spread is nine. I said eight and a half. So we're going to tie there. And... The Jets might be good. You're not worried?

No, I'm a little worried. I'm a little worried. Nah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I'm not even like... You know me. I'm always honest with the Pats.

We lost... We're down to our four-string tackle playing right tackle down to our four-string tackle playing right tackle and we're, and our second-string right tackle is now the left tackle.

Why shouldn't I be worried? Four double-digit wins for the Jets. Not something we've seen from them. You know, Ryan Fitzpatrick is due for a

Ryan Fitzpatrick game. It has not happened yet. But, I will say that they have guys who, you know, remember the years when you would never have a Jets guy on your fantasy team? And now that Marshall and Decker and Chris Ivory,

like those guys are actually doing stuff. So I don't think the Jets are bad. They might be a wild card team. Should be a good one. Should be a good one. All right, now there's two late afternoon. As far as I can tell, there's only two late afternoon games. It's weird.

Oakland and San Diego. Do you think it's because hell in the Cell is this weekend? Is it really? Oh, wow. Well, that would screw up the night game, but it might be Hell in the Cell. Aren't all the Hell in the Cell fans from Oakland traveling

to San Diego? Very possible. Now, Hell in the Cell is in LA this weekend. Oh, that's right. in L.A. this weekend? Oh, that's right. It's Sunday, right? I get back Saturday. Yeah. So, I have the Chargers giving six points to the Raiders, and I like the Raiders. You're gonna get

that. I said six and a half. I was too high. It's four and a half. Yeah, because the reality is the Chargers are actually, it's probably better for them to play on the road at this point. They certainly looked friskier in Green Bay than they did on Monday night. And we said that. I don't know what their home record –

it seems like they would probably end up 5-3 or 6-2 at home in a 10-win year. But, yeah, I like them better on the road all the time. And you have to worry. I know we're not going to talk about it much because they're not playing, but the Packers, 503 yards to Rivers? I know. That's no good. That's no good.

I know everyone's putting them in the Super Bowl, but that's a weird fix there. No, I really think this is starting to feel like, what was it, 08 when Arizona ended up playing Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl? Remember that year? It was the year Brady got hurt and just there wasn't a great team and it was just kind of a weird season. It feels like we're headed that way with this season.

Who was favorite? Yeah, Arizona knocked off Carolina that year, right? That was the big one. But it's like we have four undefeated teams right now. I don't feel good about any of them. I feel the best about the Pats, but the Pats' defense has not looked great. I think it's five undefeated, right? Cincy, Denver, Green Bay, Carolina, and New England.

Oh, we should talk about Denver really quick because they have a bye week. The bye week teams this week are Chicago, Cincy, Denver, and Green Bay. Manning is now Zombie Manning. Yeah. That's true. That's good. Yeah, he looks like Peyton Manning. It feels like you're watching Peyton Manning,

but he's not Peyton Manning anymore. And the announcers are just terrified to bring it up. But he's had some of the worst throws. You know, he's a below average quarterback now who just uses his brain, but he's got nothing left. I mean, he really doesn't. I think it's all an experiment. I really do.

I think he ups the level every week to how bad he could play. What if I do three interceptions this week? Could our defense hold us? I think he makes a deal with the defense. What if DeMarcus Ware was out? Backup get two sacks? Mike Sando had some interesting

stats on ESPN this week. He said Denver's only scored on 12% TDs on 12% of their drives, which is like bottom 15% of the last decade. Manning's thrown 7 TDs and 10 picks this year, which you is bottom 15% of the last decade. Manning's thrown 7 TDs and 10 picks this year, which you can look up. But the last 16

games, 25 TDs, 22 picks. His last 16 games, 81.6 QB rating, 51.9 QBR rating. That's his last 16. So that's below average. And then the 6 QBs Denver's defense has beaten this year.

Flacco, Alex Smith, Stafford, Bridgewater, Derek Carr, Josh McCann. So if it's okay, I'm not going to tell the 85 Bears to start getting worried about the 2015 Broncos yet. Yeah, you probably don't have to. But, yeah, it does seem weird that every time you look up, he's like, you know, if you walk into a bar and it's 10-0 Broncos, and if you have a fantasy nerd say, hey, who scored for the Broncos? Like, it's their defense, of course.

Who would you think scored for them? Right. That's it. No, they don't start thinking of offensive touchdowns until the middle of the third quarter. And they should have lost that game. I don't know if you saw the overtime, but Yemani throws a terrible, terrible, terrible, atrocious pick. Cleveland has the ball in the 40.

They just got to go five yards. And they go backwards. I know. I know. That was awful. All right. Speaking of going backwards, my Dallas Cowboys, who were on a bar, Matt Castle taking over at the New York Giants.

Oh, no. He's not played yet. Matt Castle? Yeah. Oh. Have to go somewhere. Can Roger Staubach come back or no? Danny White, anyone?

Aikman? Man. I would take Aikman right now. I would take Aikman? Man. I would take Aikman right now. I would take Aikman. The good news is it seems like you guys always play well in Giants Stadium, right? You're always a little frisky there. Well, if you're me, do you root for the Giants tonight? I mean, record-wise, I probably want the Eagles so that everyone keeps knocking each other off.

But I feel like, well, we could sneak up on the Giants if they win this week. I don't know. I'm always thinking dumb things. You want the Eagles tonight because I think the Giants are a better team. Right. The Giants by six and a half. I don't feel good about it. I hit this exactly at six.

You don't like anything on a teaser so far. You like only underdogs. It doesn't fit our typical mold. Listen, I'm totally willing to have Eli in a two-team tease that he decides to turn into Bizarro Eli and just completely ruin it. Yeah, so don't think I won't bet on them in this game. We'll figure that out. Maybe the Rams.

Maybe we'll look for the Rams. I do like the Rams. The night game. The night game, Philly at Carolina, Sunday night. You like the Giants tonight, right, Monday night? Yeah, that was my best bet on SportsCenter. I do like them. They're banged up, but that's too many points.

Now it's up to five, I think. How'd you do in SportsCenter? I was one and one. I had the Colts and I had the Broncos, but yeah. You had the Colts? I had the Colts. You were like Mr. Backdoor this year. I could make a terribly offensive joke and I won't,

but you were the king of backdoor. It's like your fourth backdoor cover. Whatever. All you have to do is win, right? Yeah. Who cares how it's done? That's it. You should market yourself as the king of the backdoor.

I like that. Backdoor president. Something horrible. All right. Panthers. We'll hit Carolina. Panthers-Eagles on Sunday night. And I like that Carolina by four and a half.

You're going to get this. I said six. Why is it six? Why is it three? Oh, wow. The Eagles get a lot of respect from the gambling public. Don't you think? Yeah, apparently.

Two and three at five and oh Carolina. I mean, maybe they'll be 3-3. Carolina just knocked off Seattle. Maybe they're just reading too much into the hangover game for the Panthers. Well, there's that. And then also get ready for an entire week of Cam Newton is the MVP. I like when we name the MVP after six weeks. Some teams have only played five games.

Cam Newton, you're the MVP. Right, right. I mean, if you're giving games. Cam Newton, you're the MVP. Right, right. If you're giving the trophy away today, he's the MVP. He's been good. I think this is going to be a week of we were trying to blow Russell Wilson and Andrew Luck

and all these other young QBs and meanwhile Cam Newton was the guy all along. That's going to be the hot take narrative this week. What did you say? We were trying to blow them? Yeah, maybe that was the guy all along. That's going to be like the hot take narrative this week. What did you say? We were trying to blow them? Yeah, maybe that was the wrong verb. Fillet? I don't remember trying that.

What's the matter with you? Can I just say, because I had this written down, I want to talk about it. I'm convinced now that Andy Reid, I'm going off because we already talked about the Chiefs. I don't know why I'm going back to this. I was in a bar in Brooklyn watching the games and that game was like on the other side of the bar. The two times

I checked in on it in the fourth quarter, it was that look. It was that shot of Andy Reid, full body, and he's got that look where he's looking for help. Is it possible he's looking for our help with this? Like you and me? Yeah, me and I don't. Oh, like you and me? Yeah, me and you, whatever.

Oh, that's interesting. Worried about what you were thinking, yeah. Is it possible? Andy, if you want to get our cell phone numbers and text us during the games, we're happy to help. We're willing to help, yeah. We're not always about just making fun. But, yeah, he just has that look on him. How much did you enjoy that I spent like 75% of my auction money

on Chikandrick West and he gave me a minus two on Sunday? And I didn't start him. Oh, I didn't even check. I didn't start him. You didn't start him? No. I started both Pats. You don't even know.

That's right. And it should be known that you are.3 points behind me in fantasy, and you have Odell Beckham Jr. So if he gets two yards, I win, or less. If he gets three yards or more, you win. You just need one first-down catch, and I win. Is that hard? Is that hard, ODB?

ODB, is that hard for you to catch one ball for four yards? It'd be hard if he doesn't put the cleats on tonight. It'd be really hard. I really don't want to sweat that out. If they show him on the sidelines trying to get loose for the whole first half, I'm going to be so mad. Four yards. Do like a Marshawn Lynch thing where at least we don't see him until the second quarter.

That would be fun. Yeah, so I went back and forth on which Patriot to start, and then I said just screw it and started both of them. I figured they could combine 25 points. Yeah, they did. If Blount doesn't catch that touchdown pass, I'm in decent shape, right? Yeah. All right, Monday night.

Baltimore and Arizona. Here we go. Hey, Doug. Another clunker. Doug, I do not like this spot for Baltimore. I do not like this spot. What happened, Mike? I don't like this spot.

Arizona coming off a loss. They lose to Landry Jones. Come on. Mike, how can you like Baltimore in any spot? They're atrocious. Plus, Arizona's good at home. They're just a good home team. It's one of those, like, just let's see somebody beat them there.

They're due to roll, yeah. I really like this on a tease. I think if we did Arizona and the Rams, I'd be happy, but hopefully this won't go overnight. I have Arizona by 8.5. I think we'll be all right for it to stay on the 9th. I said 7.5, and it is 7.5 and I beat you this week

what a week for you everything's coming up south you're in Brooklyn, the Mets Jesus did we talk about his first pitch? I don't even know if we talked about it what was his first pitch? you didn't see throughout the first pitch yesterday

you're crazy, you knew that I swear to god I didn't see he threw out the first pitch yesterday? No. You're crazy. You knew that. I swear to God, I didn't know that. Oh, come on. Good friend. Good friend. Did an email go out on throwing out the first pitch? Let me tell you something. I'm going to add something to this. We had dinner the other night, and I asked him who his top five

celebrity best friends are. And you should think about this, too. And he was nice enough, or whatever. He was honest enough. He listed you amongst the five. I'm not going to say the others because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. He already got annoyed with me for talking about it. But here I go again. But he may boot you from that top five for not even knowing that he threw out the first pitch. All right. But if I didn't watch the game and nobody told me, how would I know?

What are my other recourses for finding out? Well, you're in his top five. Just by that measure, you should know. Obviously, I'm not in his... Did David Arquette know? David Arquette? He's in there? No. Did Bobcat know?

Way off. Way off. Way off. I'm not even going to go over this. So wait a second. So what happened with the pitch? So he went out there. I have to hand it to him. Like when I did it last year, it was in front of 40 camp kids who were somehow scrounged

up enough money to go to like a Monday noon game. So it wasn't as big a deal. But this was, it was freezing cold. Yeah. You know, 50,000 jam-packed whatever the attendance was and it was windy it was windy it really like he could have hit a concession worker at the shake shack or hit the glove like it who knows what happened and uh he reared back he threw the little outside for a righty, and he hit the glove. Nice.

That's excellent. Did he warm up beforehand or no? Yeah. Yeah, we went underground, and he threw to me, and he was getting a little annoyed because I'm a lefty, and it was only a righty glove, so I'm catching. So the process of me throwing it back was a problem. But, yeah, he got warmed up, and it was good.

It was good. Do you want to hear my wife's take? You got to do it. Do you want to hear my wife's take on this Brooklyn trip? Mm-hmm. Let me hear it. I told him how you were at the game on Saturday, and I showed a picture of you and Daniel and Dixon and Jimmy with whatever picture you took on Friday. Right. Yeah.

Can you guess what her take was? What could her take be? We're out here to do shows. Sal got to go for 10 days? He just left Melissa with the kids? They're all in it together, Sal. They're all sisters. They're all looking out for each other.

Not happy for you. Not happy you're in Brooklyn. Not happy your team's in the NLCS. Not happy you're with your friends. Melissa, 10 days? I'm going to sound like a terrible father here, but I had to pretend to be devastated for an hour on a phone call this morning because my boy had to go to urgent care because he was vomiting.

I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I know. What am I supposed to do? Some businesses you go away for like six weeks, right? A year year four weeks right it's listen I defended you alright thank you I appreciate it

maybe I'll come back halfway through you know what if Lamar's condition worsens I'll come back Jimmy Kimmel live in Brooklyn this week tonight the great Bill Murray who roots for the terrible Chicago Cubs I I'm just kidding. Music from Ryan Adams.

Later in the week, J.C., Michael J. Fox, Bradley Cooper, Donald Trump, Howard Stern. Are you kidding me? And I will be on Wednesday night and catch him on SportsCenter late Thursday, early Friday. My best bets are hit four to five. I like the Giants tonight. And I'm at TheCousinSal on Twitter.

Howard Stern. Yeah, that's Friday. That's exciting. All right.'ll be good because good job by you good job by you Billy today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies MeUndies is the most comfortable underwear you will ever wear and it is insane how good they make you feel they sent me some and trust me they were fantastic go to Me meundies.com slash BS and get 20% off your first order and free shipping. They guarantee you'll be happy or your first pair is free. Thanks as well to stamps.com for a four-week trial

plus a $110 bonus offer including postage and a digital scale. Go to stamps.com, click on that microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BS. That's stamps.com, enter BS, and we'll be back on Wednesday with Judd Apatow, finally, on a podcast. I've never had him over the last seven years, so we are doing that on Wednesday. And then Joe House on Friday.

We're going to go fast with the NFL picks and do NBA Over Unders, the annual podcast. Brace yourselves, America. Back later in the week.