The Bill Simmons Podcast - Ep. 126: Week 3 NFL Lines With Cousin Sal

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons brings on Cousin Sal to discuss the Emmys aftermath, Mike McCarthy's 'first coach fired' potential (8:00), Pats-Texans (16:00), Wentz's impressive start (20:00), AP's injury (31:00), trading Gus Bradley for Rex Ryan (38:15), Broncos-Bengals (45:40), conditions at the Coliseum (55:45), Jay Cutler's love life (1:02:00), and reasons to trust the Steelers (1:05:00). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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we did our 11th episode this week i'm not supposed to pick favorites but this might have been my favorite we had vince staples and then kevin durant and naz on together. And I enjoyed it so much that we threw out the middle of the show and turned that part into a 20-minute segment. And if you like music and basketball, I cannot imagine any scenario where you would not enjoy this show. So watch the re-airs on HBO and HBO2. You can watch them on HBO Now, HBO Go,

HBO On Demand. Bonus clips are up, all that stuff. 10 p.m. every Wednesday. But check that one out, please. And if you love football, check out TheRinger.com

for some fantastic NFL stuff, including the Ringer NFL show. And we just hired Sal. We hired Chris Vernon. You know who that is? I know the name. Who is he? Someone from Memphis. Oh, really? He's good. He's an up-and- who that is? I know the name. Who is he? He's from Memphis.

Oh, really? He's good. He's an up-and-comer, man. Oh, good. He's going to host the Ringer NBA show, and he's going to do some college football podcasts for us. And get this. He loves football, gambling, and wrestling.

Oh, wow. Those are three of your favorite things. Yeah. Why didn't you have him here earlier? What took so long? I know. Well, I didn't realize we were related. Then we did a DNA test, and that's what happened.

But Chris Vernon joining us next week. And that's it. The Cuz is here. We're off. Week three. Yeah. Clearing up for you. Wow.

Forgot to mention Tupac's 20th anniversary of his tragic assassination last week. God, we're old. He got a lot of love on Any Given Wednesday this week, though, with Nas. Wow. 20 years. Kevin Durant has a Tupac tattoo. He does. Yeah, 20 years.

We're old. Bottom line is we're old. How old was Kevin Durant then? Kevin Durant was like six years old. Yeah. I'm here with the Red Hot Cousin Sal. Fresh off the greatest weekend of his life. He salvaged his Facebook live reputation.

Cousin Sal shirt thing. Was off to an unsure start and then you went 3-0 with some help from the Giants. Everybody. Yeah. I don't think anyone in the Giants fixed the game. Right.

But if you told me at the end of the year one game was fixed, it would be the one I pointed to. Yeah. It was unbelievable. I don't know how they didn't cover. I thought we were on the same side of that. When we spoke on the podcast, you were like, oh, the Giants blow this game every few years. Once I saw that Saints cornerback had a broken leg, and their defense was so bad anyway.

And then in the second quarter, it seemed like one of their defensive backs died. They did like a 15-minute stop, carry off the field. He wasn't moving. And meanwhile, Eli can't get to 20 points. However you analyze that game, you were wrong. So you were lucky because everyone's like, there's going to be 120 points scored.

Drew Brees went for seven touchdowns the year before when they played. But they blocked the kick and ran it back for a touchdown. The Giants weren't that good either. But to take a knee, Eli tied with a minute and a half left. Saints called their last time out with a minute and a half left. And I'm following on my phone because I'm at the Emmys. I said, he really should take three knees here, but I know he's not going to.

Yeah, the Giants never do things like that. And sure enough, he did. He did it, and they kicked the field goal. You forgot four plays earlier, Odell just dropped the cover. Thank you. The best receiver in football, just right through his arms. So we both had Carolina. That was our big.

My big two picks last week were Carolina and Tennessee, and I think I was wrong about just about everything else. But Carolina was up by 100 points. We said last week, I was like, San Francisco's one of those teams, if you're up 30, the game's over. You have to work on your Bill Sands impression. I have to work on my own impersonation of myself.

But of course, they kept fighting back. I was actually mildly impressed by San Francisco. I know. They could move the ball. We said last year that Gabbert, he's pesky. He's kind of competent. He's going to keep you in games and everything. But at 31-10, to start the fourth quarter, and Panthers have the ball,

you figured, all right, we're gold. And then it's like 17 points for San Fran in the fourth quarter. And Panthers had a score of 46, and they missed an extra point, which was maybe going to work into it, too. But we survived. This might be the most important question I ask you this year. Would you rather have Blaine Gabbert, Ryan Tannehill, or Blake Bortles? Wow.

That's a really personal question, Bill. I swear, I think I would rather have Blaine Gabbert. Yeah. I think he's the most competent of those three. Blake Bortles. I mean, we used to make fun of him. Do we write him off because of these two games? I forgot how much garbage time he put up last year.

Yeah. And when you watch him, I'm just not a fan. I just don't feel like that's turning around. I saw a stat that Gus Bradley, first 50 games is 12-38. Yeah, Gus Bradley. That's fireable, right? Quickly climbing the ranks, giving the Ryan brothers a little scare. Right.

Who's going to be fired first? Oh, yeah. Yeah. As I said in the preview podcast, you can't count out Mike McCarthy. Yeah, he's another one. When is that offense going to get going? in the preview podcast. You can't count out Mike McCarthy. Yeah, he's another one. When is that offense going to get going? If they suck again next week, Danny Kelly and the Ringer did a great piece basically wondering what's wrong with Aaron Rodgers.

And the answer is nothing's wrong with Aaron Rodgers. Their offense doesn't have anything in common with what he's good at. And he made all these points that as I'm reading, I'm like, yeah, I've thought that. Yeah, I thought that. Rodgers, for somebody who's that great, shouldn't be improvving that much it shouldn't always seem like a broken down schoolyard play where it's like it's a two-minute drill and he's running around and right yeah I don't know I I don't think he's getting a lot of help from his uh

from his coach I don't think so either and they have a decent offensive line and and everything else like it it just, just doesn't add up. And well, we'll get to the game this week. But before we get to that, yeah, I was saying how it was Sunday was maybe one of the great days of your life.

Sure. I mean, you'd never really, you had three kids, but whatever. No, no. And also when people talk about how the,

when their kids were born, it was the greatest day of their life. It's actually like probably the bloodiest day of your life. It's a terrifying day. There's just blood and there's stuff everywhere. It's awful. The doctor's like, don't go past the hips. Just stay on the side of the pillow where the head is.

It's like going through what war would be like. Right. It is war. And you have to drive, except you don't have a tank. That's the only difference from war. You have to drive your car and don't drive too fast. Your wife is screaming and you have to drive and except you don't have a tank that's the only difference from war you have to drive your car and and don't drive too fast and your wife is screaming at you and your wife's just in the worst pain of her life right and you're just terrified the kid's gonna come out and something's gonna be wrong yeah how is that the greatest day of anyone's life not the

greatest day i'll tell you this it was like the two most stressful days of my life i mean does sully sullenberger say when he crashed in the river that that was the greatest day of his life? Yeah, I was like, what a day when we landed in the Hudson. Yeah, my son, who I really wanted to be born on Halloween for the Michael Myers parallels. Nice. And then he just waited it out and waited it out

until four in the morning. And that's when he decided to come out. And I can tell you something. It was not the greatest day of my life. It really wasn't. If it was his choice, he would have waited until WrestleMania. He would have waited like six more months to be born. Right.

If he had to do it over again. Yeah. My wife's epidurals wearing off. I'm unconscious. I'm like, did we just have a kid? Right. All right. No, it was good.

It was a good day. Greatest day of your life. Yeah. A lot of fun. Our cousin was really good on the Emmys. Did a great job. Got much acclaim. Worked his ass off. We lucked into a few things, I'll say.

We went heavy on the OJ material and the Maggie Smith material. And they won big, both those. And even Louie Anderson. We were like, I don't know. No one really watches that show. What should we do? No, no no it's a good joke we hit on and 45 seconds he wins the later he wins the emmy so it was good i knew you guys were locked in when i was texting you about football and you weren't responding i was like wow these guys are really taking this

this uh giant emmy's award show seriously we were locked into a basement with very little wi-fi that's what we're locked into yeah i was I was just picturing you figuring out how to watch the Cowboys game somehow. And probably failing, right? I failed, but I got around to it. I watched it yesterday. Impressive. I'll tell you one thing. I've sold all my Kirk Cousins stock.

You have, huh? I was selling it during the game. I was on some illegal stock stream from like nicaragua just getting rid of as much cousin stock as i can yeah i think he's had like a mental breakdown i thought he was okay he did everything what you were supposed to do in the first three and a half quarters hit like 10 different receivers he was spreading it out you know i thought he had a decent game obviously the interception was awful and really awful like his teammates were yelling at him as he was

leaving the field. Multiple teammates. Yeah, they wanted to be done with him. That was weird. Not great. Yeah. Oh, we should mention our cousin's Emmys party. That was a lot of fun. Our agent, James Babydoll Dixon, who was on last week when we had an audience.

One of the more polarizing decisions in BS podcast history. Yeah, what happened with that people most people liked it but the people that didn't like it were very angry about it they could have flopped honestly honestly what why it's free it's a free podcast the biggest complaint i saw was we don't like people laughing at your jokes screw you we love laughter sorry with someone laughing at our jokes. Go listen to NPR. Find something free. No, it was fun to try it. And we have not decided on UCLA versus USC yet.

Yeah. We're going to do a live Guess the Lines on one of those two campuses. We're going to get killed having to decide. We can't do both? We have to do one? I kind of want to pick one. All right. I want the good son ending kind of want to pick one. All right. I want the good son ending.

I want to drop one of the kids off the cliff. I'm ready. Okay. UCLA is a slight lead right now. I'd like to see USC. I mean, they've definitely trailed. UCLA has been a little more excited about it. I feel like the UCLA kids have wanted a little bit more.

Just a tad more. Casey Wasserman got involved. Louis K got involved. I'm from Louis K. I'd be very upset if we picked usc which i think is why we should take us i think that would be much funnier yeah it definitely would the only other thing i wanted to mention was um well real quick did you catch uh baby doll smoking cigarettes with uh john snow at 2 30 in the morning oh that yeah i got sidetracked yeah baby doll brought his daughter and he was bragging about how tall his daughter's boyfriend was. And it was like, the two tallest people in the party were him and the tall lady from Game of Thrones.

Right, she was there, yeah, yeah. Which, I wanted that picture with her and Babydoll. But, yeah, Babydoll and Kit Harington was pretty good, too. Which, I think the cigarettes were actually taller than both of them. Yeah, Jon Snow. Five, six? Handsome as the day is long but yeah that uh wasn't impressed i mean not that i'm a big tall man but i just i thought you know he's gonna save the north i thought he'd be at least five nine he's guarding the wall what how does he do it like that yeah it was it was you got out at a good time my wife was uh over-served. Over-served herself, I think.

I thought she was over-served at 12.30. So 3 o'clock, I can't even imagine. That was bad. I didn't realize there were chefs and chef stations. Lots of chefs from all over. Yeah. Brooklyn, Phoenix. Because I know what people want at 1 o'clock in the morning when they're hammered is the most carefully prepared cuisine.

Right, exactly. By the world's best chefs you could have like pizza from a cart my friend chris bianco unfortunately had his booth right where people entered and right where people left so he was making pizza at three in the morning people are puking in front of the booth asking for more pizza speaking of puking my wife so we leave around a quarter to three and she gets in the car and i live like an hour away from the party and she's already complaining about how long this drive is going to be this drive that i make every day by the way yeah she's complaining about it and the second she stopped

complaining she passed out and then woke up when we were done with the ride and i opened the door and she runs upstairs and we have hardwood floors all around the house except for this one little area rug by our bed and she ran up like she was aiming for it. Went right for the rug.

Right for the rug. It was all over the place. And I said, what are you, a four-year-old? You can't miss the rug? That's amazing. There's thousands of square feet you can go without it?

And she's swearing at me. It wasn't good well it wasn't good it wasn't good and then you didn't hook up that night did not have no sex that night the kids had cereal for the next three meals wow it was uh it was not great that just reminds me of my dearly departed dog rufus anytime he had diarrhea yeah or had to throw up or anything would find whatever smallest portion of whatever rug we could have a rug that could have been two inches by two inches, and he would have figured out what his shit all over it. Right.

Yeah, I hope my wife is listening. Bill is comparing you to a dog. A dead dog. I'm not even getting mad. Not even a dog that's alive. Yeah. Don't laugh. People don't laugh when you're laughing.

There's no laughing. No laughter. Thank God there's no laughter. Let's talk about, let's do the Don Julio shot of the week for Thursday night. Let's do it. And it's a classic. And unfortunately, I saw the line, so I have to forfeit this pick. I'm a man of honor.

I'm like Tom Brady. I'm an honorable man. I'm going to give it to you. I'm an honorable man. I know. And I appreciate you saying something. You said it's Houston and New England. You said Houston two and a half.

I said two and a half because I saw the line and it was two and a half. I think I should forfeit it. I said three and it's Houston and New England. You said Houston two and a half. I said two and a half because I saw the line and it was two and a half. I think I should forfeit. I said three and it's one and a half, but you're down two weeks to none, so I'll give you that one. A pity pick. Yeah, it's your team. I'll give you a pity pick. You get that one. I just want to tell everyone in America one thing.

This is like Belichick lives for this game. He lives for this. Julian Edelman's his backup quarterback. Our starting quarterback I'd never heard of until April. I didn't even know what college he went to. Is he definitely playing? Or it could be Garoppolo. Garoppolo can't lift his arm.

This is Belichick. This is it. This is everything he's ever wanted. He just doesn't want to say anything. Yeah. And there's a little Brock Osweiler revenge factor. Look, I'm not guaranteeing a Patriot win. I would just tread carefully.

Really? Yeah. They've won this specific game 25 times in the last 15 years. Wow. Well, this is controversial. So anyway, I'm picking the Patriots. You're taking the Patriots. My Don Julio shot of the week is the New England Patriots.

Either they win or they lose by one. All right, my Don Julio shot of the week. I'm going to say Houston. I'm going to say the Texans. I think it's going to be a little too much defense for whoever they put out there, Brissette or Garoppolo. This is a really tough spot for them, though. For Houston?

Yeah, because they played, you know, last week was a borderline playoff game. Houston KC, they got a little revenge from the 30-0 game. Four days later, they have to go to Foxborough. They have no idea what the game plan is going to be. Crowd's going to be going nuts. It's a close game. I wish I felt better about it. But I'm starting to think it doesn't matter who the Patriots put in a quarterback.

Right? It's like the German goaltender. I know you're saying that. He's going to see three shots, so he's going to be competent. I did this riff on my show already but by the time people hear this podcast they will have seen

the show I hope there was a moment for about 15 minutes in that Miami Pats game where I was just ready to drive right to the airport with the suitcases

what? yeah really? I was done Jimmy was so good in that game. I was telling you that night. It was a good night for Jimmy. Jimmy was so good.

Except for the big injury at the end. He was so good in that game. He was shredding them. Yeah. It was 21-0. It felt like we were going to score 50 points. And the crowd was going nuts. And when he got hurt, the crowd died.

And J-Bug was there. He texted me. Like, the crowd's dead the crowd reacted it was like when brady blew out his acl like that kind of like paul in the crowd after because everyone was so fired up how he was playing because you know i we would have gone four and oh brady would have come back like schedule is not that hard well you think they're gonna go three you know you're taking them this Yeah, but I wouldn't bet on it. Wasn't he six for nine for 92 or something?

The one thing that worries me, he's got hard throws. The reason I was optimistic with Jimmy was his 11, 12-yard passes. They were just nice direct lines. They were always on people's hands. Brissette, it just seems like. Is it Brissette or Brissette? Why am I calling him Brissette? Yeah, Brissette.

Brissette, like Jacqueline Brissette. I call him Jacoby. He has... Well, you know, there is a solution. He should take a little air out of the ball. And then the hard balls, they just... That's so mean. That's not mean.

It's mean. I'm trying to find a solution for your team here. It's like me making compressed vertebrae fracture jokes. How dare you? Speaking of, New England 13-5 without Brady. Cowboys 8-21 without Romo. Is that true? Yeah.

So who's better? You guys decide. The Pats have been very good at home is the other thing I want to remind everybody. Yeah. I still am not sure on Brock Osweiler. I think he's just one of those QBs who you're just destined to change your opinion about. Yeah. He's like that girl in college when you're sitting in a classroom.

Or boy. Girl or boy, depending on whether you're male or female listening. He's like that member of the opposite sex in college that, depending on the moment in the class where you looked at them and what they were doing, you either thought they were good looking or not good looking. That's Brock Osweiler. Right. I just can't decide. You can't. Oh, he looked good on that throw.

Oh, he's terrible. He slings it in some weird places when he lets it go. He looks kind of lurch. He's just kind of Kevin McHale body-ish sometimes. He's got some nice receivers to bell him out, though. He does. We spoke about that Fuller guy who's top three rookie of the year, I think, right now.

When do I officially start worrying about our Ezekiel Elliott bet? I have some printouts of some interesting prop bets. I'm not even going to say where it comes from because if we mention the site, then we get letters that, oh, so-and-so.com owes me $8 since 2006. Don't scrim. Don't put laughter in your podcast. No, yeah, yeah. The same people. It's exactly the same guy.

But right now... It's one guy torturing us. They have odds for Rookie of the Year. And it's... You're worried about Carson Wentz, right? Yeah. I think that's a fair guy to be worried about. Wentz is 8-5. Zeke is 7-2.

And Fuller is 7-2. And then you have Shepard, 15-2. And Corey Coleman, who broke his hand today, 17-2. So Wentz did what he did against two of, I would say, the three worst teams in the league. Yeah. At the same time, I think he's pretty good. First of all, he's got a cannon. Right.

Just like a bazooka. He had one throw that he threw it was like a 50 yard pass he threw it so hard the guy dropped it really good and he moves around i think he has that same romo issue where he's tries to be a hero and some of these scrambles and it's going to come back to backfire oh wow no it's a compliment and then yeah no it's definitely a compliment but um yeah but But I think he's good. I don't understand what happened with him. They weren't going to play him all year.

They were all saying Sam Bradford's our quarterback before they traded Bradford. And he got, like, banged up, I think, in the preseason. After one game, they're like, Bradford's our guy. Then they traded him, and you still thought, like, it might be Chase Daniel. But Wentz is a starter, and he's – but they're

making a lot out of his stats he was 21 for 34 for 190 so 21 for 34 for 190 yeah and this reminds me i actually uh i i asked mallory rubin at the ringer to assign this story and then claire mcnear did an awesome job with it i the sam bradford thing is amazing to me like collinsworth after that game you weren't there you're at the emmys right they scored 17 points collinsworth i i was so impressed by sam bradford i hell i i gotta say this is the guy they thought they were it's like they scored 17 points yeah i've never seen more media members scramble more times over the course of 10 years so i asked my i was like can somebody like look up how many times this is so claire did a great job with it but um but yeah it's like people are so anxious for him to be good i don't understand it i don't get

it either i do think it's more important now to be to be given a solid defense like minnesota or philly who clearly has right now the best defense in the NFC East, more important than that than to give you talented wideouts on either side. Because it's nice for Wentz to not start first and 10 from your own eight. You don't have to take chances. You don't have to, you know, you're a little skittish in that situation. And he's been, he has the ball, he has good field position. Same with Bradford.

You're not asked to do much to win. I think somebody told me what the Patriots' strategy is when they're drafting at the end of the first round, but there's basically only four positions they even consider. Really? And I think it's defensive tackle. It all has to do with the salary cap and what the second kind of – I forget what all the thing is, but it's like D-back. But if I was drafting, I think i would just draft front seven guys for the defense every year it seems

like you can find these other guys yeah right yeah linebackers tackles defensive ends yeah defense breaks down early it seems hey quick break to talk about our friends at me undies sal oh i remember almost my one year anniversary with me undies is it yeah where are you guys going Hey, quick break to talk about our friends at MeUndies. Sal. Oh, I remember MeUndies. Almost my one-year anniversary with MeUndies. Is it? Yeah. Where are you guys going? I don't know.

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Lions the rest of the Lions I only have four people in the top tier this week. Or four teams. Pat, Steelers, Broncos, Panthers. I don't have anyone else up there. Next level, Texans, Vikings, Giants, Cardinals. Next level, Packers, Bengals, Jets.

So that's the top 11. Usually that would be two tiers, but I think it's three. You had the Panthers in the second tier? No, first tier. First tier. Pat Steelers, Broncos, Panthers. I think that's our top four right now. Right, yeah.

I agree with that. Those are the four most unassailable cases for contenders. And on the same token, I couldn't add anyone to our completely out of it list. We had Browns. Oh, I have somebody. I had the Rams. I have somebody. You want to put the Bears in there? Oh, I have somebody. I had the Rams. I have somebody. You want to put the Bears in there?

No, I think the Jags are in there. Really? Wow. They're terrible. Wow. They got killed by the Chargers. They just killed. Danny Woodhead shredded.

They lost Danny Woodhead and Keenan Allen, and they still shredded the Jags, and Bortles was a mess. I didn't get that game at all. One of the reasons I thought they were going to beat the Chargers was because they played so well against the Packers the week before. Sure. And then you watch the Packers.

Like, oh, well, maybe the Packers aren't even that good. Like, what is that? And it's 100-degree weather in Jacksonville. Yeah. I think they stink again. Are you willing to change your mind on the AFC South? What was my mind? What did I say?

You liked Indy. I liked Houston. Yeah, I guess I have to. Have you given up on Indy? I can't believe what's going on with Indy. I liked Houston. Yeah, I guess I have to. Have you given up on Indy or are you still thinking about going back? I can't believe what's going on with Indy. I can't believe that Vonda Davis is making that much. Oh, their defense. Their defense is awful.

I just don't know how you can move the ball on them like that. I mean, they've had, other than luck, like just five, six years of terrible drafts. I think a lot of those teams, yeah, you could say goodbye to Jacksonville if you haven't already if the Texans beat the Patriots and you know and the Colts lose to San Diego or or Jacksonville loses to Baltimore yeah those teams are out of it I uh my bottom four oh I'm sorry my yeah my bottom four Bears Bills Browns Jaguars and I think out of four, only the Bills have a chance to maybe play out of it. But if you're going to give up 37 points against the Jets at home, what are you? And they just fired their offensive coordinator.

What are you? You have a terrible defense, and you just fired your offensive coordinator. So what's left? I'm waiting for them to lose 72-3 this week and fire the equipment manager. Everyone's cleats are a little tight. I think that's the problem.

Here's another prop you're going to love while we're on the topic. How many 0-2 teams will make the playoffs over under one and a half? Here are the 0-2 teams. Miami, Buffalo, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Washington, Chicago, New Orleans. Under? Miami, Orleans. Under? Miami, no. Buffalo. I think this is the year when none of them make it.

I don't like any of those teams. Right. Do you? No. Not New Orleans, not Chicago, not Washington, not Jacksonville. Indy, not Cleveland, Buffalo. Maybe the Colts, just because of luck, you could say there's a puncher's chance. Let's bet under one and a half.

Why not? What are the odds for that? It's even. That's a good bet. And then there's how many 2-0 teams? So it has to be the Bills, Dolphins, Browns, Colts, Jags, Redskins, or Saints. And Bears, yeah. And Bears.

There's eight. None of those teams are making the playoffs. Maybe one. Tate, do you think any of those teams make the playoffs? No, that's what I was thinking. Tate wants in. Saints, wild card, yeah. And Bears. There's eight. None of those teams are making the playoffs. Maybe one. Tate, do you think any of those teams make the playoffs? No, that's what I was thinking. Tate wants in. Saints wildcard, maybe. Let's figure that out.

Saints wildcard? Could the Saints go 9-7 and get a wildcard? They're 0-2 right now. 0-2. They play Atlanta this week. They have to go 9-5 the rest of the way. I don't like it. I don't like much of what I see going on.

I was impressed how their defense, even though I couldn't name one person on it, was either shutting down Eli or Eli just hates everybody. I don't know how that happens. There's a chance Eli hates everybody. Does he? Yeah. I think even he hates Giants fans. He wants nobody to feel good at any time after a Giants game. Like me, for some reason, taking three knees. The other way, how many 2-0 teams will make the playoffs?

New England, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Houston, Denver, Giants, Philly, Minnesota. That's eight teams. Patriots, yes. Baltimore. I would say Pat, Stewards, Texans, Broncos, Giants. I don't know about the Vikings. Somewhere between five and six. Wow.

Okay. I guess we can't take both unders, right? Oh, maybe we could. I will say this with the Vikings, even though I think it's not as devastating to lose a franchise running back as maybe we thought when we were kids. But it does seem like they have the Maloikio or the Maloik as my mom calls it. The Maloik? Yeah. The Italian curse. It's spelled Maloikio. Right. But the Italians call it Maloch I'm half Italian

and when you lose your starting cornerback and your and your franchise running back in the span of three weeks that's a it's just I don't like it that's a bad karma sign to me I don't think they like it either yeah I know they don't like it. I just think you get the stink on you, and it just becomes one of those years from hells. Yeah. Years from hell. It's a weird thing because it was probably a good loss for the Packers, right? I think they win the division now because Peterson's out.

I don't think McKinnon and Bradford are going to do it. That's your best case for the Vikings is that the Packers aren't very good. Right. Yeah. Vegas mopped up, by the way, on that Vikings. Just the week in general. Oh, my God. Because they had.

How many home dogs won? Well, Seattle lost. People had money on it. Everyone bet the Raiders. And then everyone doubled up on Green Bay. So congratulations to Las Vegas. They had it coming. We had Mike Lombardi back on the BS podcast on Friday.

Love him. And urged us to be careful of the Raiders. Did he, yeah? He was like, you know, young team. They just had a big win. I want to see them do it twice. And they shit the bed. I don't understand that defense at all.

They bring in Bruce Irvin. They have a lot of guys that I know in the defense. Yeah. Secondary. They have two rookies starting this week. It's just too early to assume. I think the Chiefs gave up 35 points for four straight weeks, and then their defense got better towards the middle of the year,

and they won 10 games. So these teams can rebound. It's not over. Yeah, we talked about this two weeks ago. With how many young people are on each team, you probably need a month. Right. With that said, I think little stuff, like the fact that Rodgers' receivers can't get open.

I don't know how that gets better a month from now. He just doesn't have the guy who can get open. That's what happened last year, too. Same thing. I think the Pats defense, I know the second half they led up against Miami, but that was classic Belichick. He just started bringing in second and third stringers.

But I think that Pat's defense is actually good. I think it's coaching to get it together this early. You've got Belichick's got a good defense. You have Zimmer's got a nice defense. The Eagles hired Schwartz. That was a great hire. I think good coaches get it together earlier. And the cards remind me next year in week two to be more wary of the team that really needs a win

against the team that just had a big win. Yeah. Because I do that every year. This year it was Raiders, Falcons, and Bucks versus cards. It's like one team really needed it. The other just felt really happy about what they just did. There's good examples of that this week. All right, let's do it.

All right. We have one game. Oh, we did one game. Detroit at Green Bay Sunday. How many early games are there? I think there's eight. Yes, eight. Detroit at Green Bay, I had Green Bay by six and a half,

and I got to say I like the Lions. I had eight and a half, and it's seven and a half, so we split that right yeah the math okay so i watched a decent chunk of that i had the four tvs going on sunday and the titans lions was involved the lions that game should have been over in the third quarter they spent most of the game on tennessee's half of the field with the ball we had a little something on tennessee we did and i was like, I kept thinking, but Detroit's just poorly coached. They make mistakes.

They're sloppy. They have a ton of penalties. They have penalties at the wrong times. They run the wrong play on third down. They just seem sloppy to me. And they let Tennessee hang around. It's never in the bag with them. No.

And then they had a couple injuries on D. And then all of a sudden, Mariota got a little comfortable. I think Tennessee in the bag with them. No. And then they had a couple injuries on D. And then all of a sudden, Mariotta got a little comfortable. I think Tennessee's pretty good, though. Because they can run the ball. They can do stuff. I like Mariotta. That team's on my radar. I want to see where they are four weeks from now. There's about six teams like this

that you probably shouldn't bet at home. But on the road, they're going to keep it close. And they might be one. So they're home. Let's just do that one ahead of time. They're home against the Raiders, and I had the Titans giving one to the Raiders. What did you have for that one? You win this one. I had Oakland minus three and a half, and it's Tennessee minus two.

Oakland was a Vegas darling. Their lines were jacked up the first two weeks, I thought, by a point and a half. They had some issues. Tennessee's favored. Yeah. As much as I like them in week one, they still gave up 35 points. They are decimated on the O-line, and their defense can't seem to stop anyone from throwing the ball. 1,035 yards in two games they've given up.

Plus they had to do at New Orleans week one, home week two. Now they're flying all the way back to Tennessee for week three. I guess you add a point to the spread if the plane trip exceeds 2,000 miles, right? And they're playing early. That's it. All right. Minnesota at Carolina. Could be the game of the day.

Have a small Carolina quibble. Mm-hmm. I think their running game's in really bad shape. Oh, you don't like Fozzie? No. I know you won money on him in the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah, over six and a half yards. I know you have a soft spot for him.

16 carries, 100 yards. Tate, you love the Panthers. Yeah. Aren't you worried about their running Bowl? Yeah, yeah, over six and a half yards. I know you have a soft spot for him, but... 16 carries, 100 yards. Tate, you love the Panthers. Yeah. Aren't you worried about their running game? Yeah, absolutely. It's like two yards a pop now. And I think against Minnesota, they're just not going to be able to run the ball at all.

Wait a minute, he had 16 carries, 100 yards. How is that two yards? I think his long was 25. He had a good game. I'm saying against Minnesota. Yeah, oh, all right. Fozzie's fine. He's Fozzie Whitaker. He's a third-string I'm saying against Minnesota. Yeah. Oh, all right. Fozzie's fine. He's Fozzie Whitaker.

He's a third-string running back. Minnesota's going to annihilate him. You say it like he doesn't belong in football. That's an awesome name. They'll have Cameron Artis Payne. Hey, Cap's great. Cameron Artis Payne? Yeah, Cap.

Really? We should say Cap, yeah. Fuller House's Cameron Artis Payne? What did you say for this one? I said the line, I put it in the Vegas zone. I said Panthers by four and a half, but I didn't know Peterson was out before that. So do I get a redo or no? No, because I didn't know either.

And I said five and a half and it's seven. Oh, great. Of course the redo helps you. I don't know about this. I don't know if this is the Vikings scare me normally I would say this is a teaser game and I would say

Green Bay is a teaser game but which do you like out of those two I think Vikings are a stay away I want to see I want to see them

for a week I didn't like that the Panthers didn't close that Niners game and that they had they made us sweat out an enormous

three team tease and then also our straight up bet and suicide pool and all this stuff. I just didn't appreciate it. Those are not good things. Especially against that Niner, Blaine Gabbert. Actually, maybe Blaine Gabbert's decent, as we discussed. But I'd like to see them play for another week. What else have we got?

Baltimore or Jacksonville. We didn't do that one yet, did we? No. I don't think the Ravens are very good either. That's a pretty soft 2-0. Decent secondary. I know, yeah, the teams they play. And they can you know, Wallace

is one of those guys that he's like one of those actresses or actors that can only be in one type of movie and can't succeed in anything else. Nice. And it's like he can run a straight line and Flacco can throw him the ball. He's good at that. And they're just kind of perfect for each other. Yeah.

Like it. It's a, I wish they had been playing together the last five years. We'd be talking about Mike Wallace reverentially. Right. And they have four running backs. They were losing that game by 20 or was it 20 to 20 or nothing? And then Cleveland remembered, Oh, wow. We're attacking the season. What are we doing? We can't stay ahead. Do you know or it was 20 to 20 nothing and then cleveland remembered oh wow season what are we doing we can't stay ahead do you know why it was 20 to 2

the two you mean yeah oh the it was run back right it was a blocked extra point right back for a touch for a two point yeah i think you automatically win the game if you do that it was weird because when they showed the replay of it i was like oh the ravens are definitely winning yeah that just for that to happen in a game in the first half, that's got to come back to haunt the other team. You said minus three, Jacksonville. I said minus three. It's a pick. I had Ravens minus three, yeah.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Oh, I had Jacksonville minus three. You had Jags minus three. I just figured it's a must win. I feel like I should love Jacksonville in this spot, and I don't. It really is a must win. The Texans can go up three games on them.

Last year, remember Wisenhunt? I had his record through 50 games, and I had the wrong record, and people were really upset about it. But the record that was actually Wisenhunt's record was also horrendous. Yeah, it was bad. It was like instead of 12-38, he was 14-4, or whatever it was bad it was like instead of 12 and 38 he was 14 and 4 or like whatever it was exactly um gus bradley i don't know what is it are you gonna give us a number another fake number i think it's i think it's 12 and 38 okay yeah it's 12 and 38 it's year four

with gus this is this is it they have a lot of first round picks and high picks and a lot of free agent money they spent and this team should be better. More odds on that. Will, this is not fake, will Gus Bradley be fired before week 17? Yes, plus 150. Rex Ryan, yes, even. This would be a good coach trade to

save money. Oh yeah? Just flip coaches. Yeah. But Gus Bradley goes to Buffalo. Do you get the brother, too? Like, does the Buffalo get Bradley's brother if he has one? Is Rob Ryan, he's officially a black sheep brother, right? He's like the third Hemsworth. Let's get to that game. Arizona at Buffalo.

Arizona at Buffalo. I can already feel the Bills winning this game outright and ruining a million teases and eliminator pulls, all that stuff. I have the cards by six. I had four, and it's four and a half right there in that Vegas zone where you like it. This reminds me, we haven't talked about TV, but it's Emmy week and everything.

You heard about the Lions are preparing for the future. That doesn't involve football. You heard about this miniseries they're doing? No. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's Spielberg and Tom Hanks are producing it. Oh, Tom Hanks does good producing work. He does good stuff, right?

He'll get the most out of these guys. It actually airs. I don't know if you've been to a Chili's lately, but they have these screens where kids can play with apps and stuff. That's the only place it airs, right there on the table. And it's a movie about a parachute infantry, Rex and Robert and a parachute infantry. And they jump out of planes. Wow.

But the chute never deployed because they're so freaking fat. They go far and fast. And there's not enough time for the chute. So they bang their heads around. It's really terrible. But they keep at it and keep at it and keep at it. And it's sad. It's not funny.

It's called Lap Band of Brothers. All right. I'm so glad we don't have an audience to fake laugh at that. It's a captivating drama. Stay with it. Laugh Band of Brothers. It's opening in Chili's. It's at Chili's, yeah.

But they keep hitting their head on the ground you don't want to take the kids it's not good so if you're at Chili's this weekend look for Lap Band of Brothers oh and you can watch

Rex Ryan maybe get fired on NFLSundayTicket.tv oh you certainly can if you're a diehard NFL fan who can't get

DirecTV where you live and those people are out there because if you're in college or you're in an apartment, if you have a dick landlord, you put a satellite on the side of the thing. Because landlords sometimes don't like football. Well, you can watch football on Sunday even without a satellite for $49.99 a month.

You can stream games using your favorite device. Did you know this when you were trapped at the Emmys? No, I didn't know this. Yeah, you could have gotten NFLSundayTicket.tv. My sling player didn't work. I hope they're not a sponsor you're about to read. No, we did them earlier. Okay, yeah. If you're a college

student, there's an exclusive deal. You get NFL Sunday Ticket for only $24.99 a month. And right now our listeners get 10% off when using the promo code RINGER. Again, $49.99 a month. And right now our listeners get 10% off when using the promo code RINGER. Again, $49.99 a month. Go to NFLSundayTicket.tv. Use promo code RINGER for 10% off.

Just do it. Football stuff, it's only week three. You've got a whole bunch of weeks to catch up. That was a big mistake by you not getting the... I had the slim player. I had the NFL ticket. I just wasn't getting any streaming. That was a big mistake by you not getting the... I had the slim player. I had the NFL ticket. I just wasn't getting any streaming anything.

You just get everything. You do this for a living. I do. You should have all the devices. Nothing would stream. What am I going to do? Well, maybe Sunday Ticket would have figured out how to stream. I asked Louie Anderson.

He didn't know. No one could help me. Louie Anderson didn't know? No. All right. What do we have? We did Oakland, Tennessee. Yep.

Cleveland at Miami. Cleveland at Miami. I love when Ryan Tannehill has those big second halves that mean nothing because the team was down by 30 points. And the announcer is so desperate to tell us that Ryan's getting in a groove. Right. He's one of those QBs. I don't know why announcers root for QBs to do well that aren't good,

but it's like a recurring announcer. Right, well, you know, the important thing for him, you've got to get in a groove, and Ryan's getting in a groove right now. I mean, you can see it. You can see the way he's throwing the ball. He's getting in a groove. It's like, yeah, because they're down 24 points. The Patriots are to prevent defense,

and we're playing our third-string linebackers. That's why he's getting in groove. I think it's a dishonest attempt to get the audience to stay with the game. But that was good. It came down to the end. Well, Guskowski missed a field goal. I'm glad he missed that field goal and that one that actually mattered. I'd like to remind you that he missed an extra point in the AFC title game.

Right. You almost forget about that. Yeah, that was it. And we lost by one. That was it. We lost by two points, but because we had to. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it.

Then we don't have to talk about it. So is there any more early games? Well, you have. Hold on. The line. What did we say? You said five and a half? Miami?

Yeah. I said six. This is ballooned up to ten. And a lot of it is because of Cody Kody kessler third round pick out of usc oh because mccown is accounts hurt colman broke his it's just embarrassment of uh what's the opposite of richest yeah they're a mess the browns they're an absolute mess the announcers also love to talk about it. In the NFL, it's safety first. McCown's out there. His arm is dangling.

His left arm is just dangling. It's like, look, McCown. He's playing through it. It's like, he can't lift his arm. He's about to turn it on. Get him out of there. Yeah. That guy's a tough SOB, man.

When was the last time, what year, were you comfortable with the Dolphins laying double digits? It's absurd. What was it? Was it double digits? It's absurd. Was it this century? Flat out absurd. They had a Lamar Smith year somewhere in there, 06 or something, I don't know. Also, yeah, were they good in like 2010?

Yeah, Ricky Williams, Ronnie Brown. Oh, the Ricky Williams, the Wildcat year. Right, yeah. That's a while ago already, though. All right. I like anyone against the Dolphins getting 10 points. I know. Would be one of my picks. I don't want to lose money, but that is the way to go, right?

Does this feel like a wonky week? I don't like the looks of this week. I don't like any of these matchups. We don't like any. We haven't screamed out any two-team teaser yet, right? I love that we do three-team teasers every week. Yeah, that's fun. It's hilarious.

After all the years we've made fun of three-team teasers, we just religiously do it. We had a great parlay. Oh, yeah. Talk about that one. I'm able to get this in legally, of course, but we had the fight. We had Canelo, right? Canelo is just a steady parade of cream puffs

until he gets the Mayweather fight finally. That's it, yeah. We had him, the Panthers money line, which is scary for a minute, but it was okay. Split second. Game of Thrones and Veep to win drama and comedy. It was great. What was it, like minus 130?

Yeah, minus 130 for those four. Never had to sweat it out, except for the Panthers just repeatedly giving up 80-yard touchdowns. Washington at New York Giants. Is this early or late? This is early still. I had the Giants by six and a half. This is a tease to me, and I can't wait to lose money on Eli again.

I said six, and it's four and a half. And you're putting this in a tease. You're putting the favorite Giants in a teaser. No, I'm not. Don't allow me to tease the Giants. We don't have one teaser game. Don't allow me to tease Eli. There's one early game left. We don't have one teaser game and this I don't think is going to be it. Denver at Cincinnati.

I was watching the Manchurian candidate with Liev Schreiber, Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep. I think Eli's the Manchurian candidate. Really? Yeah, I think he's out here to destroy all of us. I don't trust that guy. You hate his guts.

I just, I've never, I don't understand how he keeps ending up on my fantasy team. He'll put up good numbers. He has two clunkers, but you'll get good numbers out of him. He put up 17 points against the Saints. Right. numbers he has two clunkers but he'll get good numbers 17 points against the saints right no the saints had that no one believes in us no one knows us no one believes in us no one believes that we could field 11 players the saints no one knows who the hell we are um denver at cincy i had i got this exactly i said three and a half. I think you said three. Cincinnati favored.

Kind of like Simeon. You do, huh? I do. I think he's confident. I think he's second best after Wentz. It's really stupid to rank them this early. I thought they made a huge mistake getting rid of Osweiler, and now I've done a 180 on that.

I think Simeon's fine. Right. And he can move around. He can make throws. He makes a 180 on that. I think Simeon's fine. Right. And he can move around. He can make throws. You know, he makes a couple bad throws. I'm saying screw you. Our defense is so good. Just like Philly. That's it.

They're very well coached. I never thought Kubiak was a very good coach on Houston, but I don't know. Maybe he learned stuff. Yeah. But they're very run first, and when they throw that he's always in a position to succeed he's always well protected they're pretty good none of these guys dac prescott simeon carson wentz none of them have been down 10 points yet right right and that's

when we'll know that's why i'm i'm hesitant to praise him too much waiting to see that i'd like to see simeon down 20-10 in the fourth quarter, having to make a drive on the road or whatever. Let me count these. Four, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I think I'm winning 7-4 if you don't get me tied. God, you're just killing me this year. You know, the Bengals, I thought that was a bad loss for them against the Steelers.

I watched a lot of that game. I never really felt like they were in the game. I know the score ended up being a one-possession game, but they scored late. That was one of my picks. Yeah, they scored late. It was 24-9. They scored, and then they were driving, and Boyd got caught. It was one of those things where if they call it no fumble on the field,

it stays no fumble, and they probably should have, but they couldn't overturn it. It's weird because I know how it ended, but watching it, I just didn't feel like they were as good. I never felt like they were going to win. No. I have no advanced metrics to pass that up, just how I felt. I don't know.

I think the moment might have passed for them. Last week was strange. September has jumped to conclusions i think last week was strange you saw the saints giants you thought was going to be high scoring i thought pittsburgh since he was going to be high scoring since he won't won't stop antonio brown the steelers won't stop aj green it really had nothing to do with either of those things the reason i didn't want to overreact to the bengals is just because until they're tight i want to see them with their tight end. Heifert, yeah.

It's really hard for them to move the ball just in general. And, you know, it's not like Pittsburgh's defense is phenomenal or anything. But it was weird. I just thought the Bengals were going to show up for that game in a bigger way. It didn't have nearly the chippiness I was expecting. It was hard hitting, but it wasn't like angry. So anyway, but my point is I had them penciled in.

I thought they were either going to win that division or get a wild card. Somebody might be able to grab that wild card from them. Who though? It could be the Ravens. Not in the AFC East. The Ravens might go 10 and 6. They have the softest schedule in the league. And then you say like the Chiefs on the other side or the

Raiders? Hold on. Uh-oh. Oh yeah, they had an easy schedule. I knew that. Alright. Hey Doug. Mike, give it to me. Ravens. Week three at Jacksonville. Oh boy, that's

tough. That is a long bus ride. If you make a wrong turn, that could be 750 miles. I say Jacksonville wins a must-win game. Colts. Looks like London. Where's that game, Mike? That's in London? Looks like an England game, Mike.

I don't think Baltimore translates to London. Mike, I'm going to say the Colts. Baltimore. Oh, no, that was Colts Jags. I'm sorry. We're out of the boys. Screw this up. Ravens, week four,

home for the Raiders. That looks like one. Week five, home for the Skins. That's pretty good. Rivalry. Week six, at the giants i don't know yeah yeah they're right it could be like five and one they're right they shouldn't have been as bad as they were last year yeah all right the late afternoon game san francisco at seattle talk about an offense that can't get going. I think it might be over for Seattle.

Really? Yeah. I know it's overreaction month. That's your quarterback, Russell Wilson, your fantasy quarterback and boyfriend and everything. He's running for his life. Just a fantasy, speaking of running for you, you should have run because I beat you 112 to 65. My team's terrible.

I'm not including decimal points. I think I even had a higher decimal point than he did. And you spent $100 on Gronk and Russell Wilson. No, I spent $131 on Gronk, Ezekiel Elliott, and Thomas Rawls, who I think is dead. Is Thomas Rawls alive? He spent $29 on Thomas Rawls. And then we picked him and Damosheik goes, Hey, Kristen Michaels are going to be their starter.

And Tate and I are like, what? Damosheik's like, I didn't send info. It's going to be Kristen Michael. Well, he keeps getting hurt. That doesn't help, Rawls. But then it's not over yet. What did you spend on Eli Rogersgers and terrell prior and your i don't care supplemental i had a new strategy this year for both my fantasy leagues i spent

all of my free agent money in the first week because i didn't want to be on the website every week looking for free agents i just wanted to get rid of it well somehow terrell prior is your best quarterback so that was a good move but i now the seahawks favored by seven over the 49ers and i like the 49ers why you're gonna like them more i had nine and it is it is nine it's that high maybe we just grab a couple of these underdog money lines yeah they cannot block they had uh they can't block at all it's a bad offense how many points have they scored they scored three points and 12 points. They've scored 15 points.

Right. And the only touchdown of the season came on a two-minute drill? At the end of the Dolphins game. Yeah. And they can't run the ball. Talk about bad karma. They lost a fifth-round pick this week for excessive contact and off-season workouts, and they have to forfeit three OTAs next year?

How psyched are the players when they hear that? Yeah, they're like, oh, damn it. Thanks, boss. We lost some OTAs. Thanks for cheating. LA at Tampa Bay. Oh, they got a groan from Tate. I have the Bucs by three and a half.

I'm not giving up on Jameis. That was a weird game. I'm going to win this one. I said five. It's six. Have you talked to anybody who went to that Rams game? Yeah, I did. It sounded like the seventh circle of hell.

Really horrible. I think we're doing the right thing sending a few out, not going. Everyone who got the iPhone 7 is like, yeah, go ahead. Knock yourself out waiting that four-hour line. I'm going to wait until they get the kinks out and figure out what's wrong.

The iPhone 7 is really good, though. You got it? Yeah. It's great. Longer battery, better camera. Thumbs up. What are you taking pictures of? I take pictures of my kids.

All right. Yeah, I heard bad things, though. I heard they ran out of water. The Rams or the iPhone? The freaking stadium. They ran out of water. How do you run out of bottled water? We invented bottled water here in LA.

I heard that it was so hot. And it's like you can't escape the sun. My friend Anthony was there. He's like, anywhere you sat, you're just baking. And there's no way to cover your head, and the sun's just beating down. There's nowhere to go. At halftime, people are huddled under these little things. He said people are passing out in the stands.

It sounded horrible. The Rams are back! Well, luckily, the people who passed out haven't missed anything because they haven't played one exciting quarter in two games. Oh, that's awful. Eight straight ho-hum quarters i did a riff on my show this week about uh on the hbo show about how um if you're gonna score nine points in two games with case keno then why not just get like peyton manning or tebow or farf play just get like a celebrity yeah get anybody that's pretty good

why not that's pretty you suck Why not? That's pretty good. You'd suck anyway. Get Maggie Smith in there. Dame Maggie Smith. I think, but what's... Dennis Quaid? That's what we just spoke about. They have a good defense, the Rams, at least on paper.

And last week, it seemed like they did. That's when you put Jared Goff in. Maybe in three years, I know what they're doing, the Aaron Rodgers thing with him. And that's nice, too. But take a chance on them. Put them in. Why not? You have a nice defense behind them.

Let's go to the next game, and neither of us will drink water, and we'll wear heavy clothes. Oh, God. And whoever doesn't pass out first is the winner, and that'll be our bet for the week. We used to do this on the way back from the beach in Long Island. We'd fart and roll the windows up and turn the heat on. Window lock. Yeah. Ran out of water and warm water when they had it.

Maybe that was part of Dan Kroenke's plan was he's going to build this stadium. It's going to seem like an oasis compared to the breathing hell of the Coliseum. I guess so. Like, oh, thank God. They're just carrying bodies out of there. Don't we have the most day laborers in the world? Can't they build a stadium in like two weeks? What are they doing?

Get it going. It should take like a month. Jets at Kansas City. Like this Jets team. I think the Jets might be good. I have the Chiefs by four, though. I had three and a half, it's three so i'm gonna get that one wow i'm crushing i'm gonna point off on every game yeah you need to concentrate more

i've been concentrating i'm just my compass sometimes is a little off you love kc here we're sure a little higher i don't really like kc i actually don't like them jets on 10 days rest i i see the same issues with kc thatC that have been there for the last couple years. The difference is without Houston, they're just not as menacing defensively. Yeah, well, I mean, they didn't give up a ton of points last week. No, but I just don't know what they do well. This Jamal Charles thing really screwed up. I think we took it for granted that Charkandrick West or Spencer Ware

is just going to step in there and take over. Well, that's my point. What are they great at? Yeah. Last year, you could be like, well, they have these three running backs that are awesome, and they have an unbelievable pass rush, and they don't make mistakes. And this year, it's like they don't make mistakes.

That's what they're good at. They're great at luring us into a teaser. We don't have any games that we like here, huh? I'll tell you the trade that really bothered me. The Panthers got Andy Lee for, I think, like a fourth rounder. Oh, yeah. That punter. That guy's fucking awesome.

Right. I can't believe he's only worth the fourth rounder. Every game he has three punts that completely change the momentum of what I'm watching. Yeah. I don't understand. We totally don't value punters at all. Who's the guy in the Raiders? King?

That's another one. That guy hits bombs. Yeah, he's good. When you have a punter, it's like the most under – I'm sure there's advanced metrics that are going to make me look like a fool, but it just feels like watching the game, the momentum of those 62- yard punts that aren't returned really does the browns traded lee right that's where they got him yeah yeah i guess it

was a blessing when you got traded i'm sure yeah the browns are like well we lose with you we lose without you um now it's uh all right san diego at indianapolis i had uh god i don't feel good Indianapolis. I had a... God, I don't feel good about this. The Colts by four. We both had four, and it's three. Three, huh? Yeah. I got to read you.

This is no matter who you pick, you're wrong in this game. Like, you'll pick your team, they'll be up three touchdowns, and you'll lose, I don't know who it is, but both sides. It does, the only thing we can be certain of is at some point the Colts will be down by 10 points. But I want to mention, well, first of all, DraftKings,

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That's a pretty good deal. It's a pretty good deal. But I want to mention because I won. I hit big in the playoffs last year, so I have some DraftKings reservoirs. So I've played like two lineups a week I had maybe the worst DraftKings lineup I think this should be it's own prize

If you willingly put together a lineup That you thought would be good It was terrible There was It looks like Well you sure You're doing enough in our fantasy league I'm just terrible at fantasy

That's why I don't like it There was 10 point There was 10,700 people in this league. I finished 9934th. Wow. Let's hear it. It's like impossible. Do you have your lineup there? This is my lineup.

It was... No one's on a bye, right? Eli Manning at quarterback. Jeremy Langford, TJ Yeldon, Odell Beckham, Antonio Brown, Will Fuller Eric Ebron Malcolm Mitchell

And the Patriots And the Patriots defense How many points did you have? I couldn't even break 100 points On DraftKings That's the thing Antonio Brown and Eli

Should just get you 40 Yeah I'd load it up on On uh On Eli and Odell For the hookup And Odell But my self esteem

Like I don't know why I do fantasy. I just keep coming back thinking this will be the time. I'm just bad at it. You'll get it. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep doing DraftKings. Stay with it.

Thank God for the free contest. Basketball's right around the corner. The free contests are good for me because I'm terrible. Anyway, let's do the night games. Pittsburgh. Wait, one more late afternoon. Pittsburgh and Philly might be the game of the day. What's better?

That, Minnesota, Carolina, or Denver Cincy? I think Philly's going to get their asses kicked. You do, huh? I have Steelers by five. All right. I said Steelers by three, and it's Steelers by four. When are you making these picks, just out of curiosity? Because I like to make them i make them uh at a normal

time what am i making what i made that pick before carson wentz looked awesome on monday i sent it to you monday morning just lashing out no you're gonna get the next one because i i got oh night game i got destroyed at this one yeah chicago at my dallas cowboys sund. Oh, that's a great matchup for you. I had a pick before watching the Bears play Monday, and you had it minus four for Dallas, and it's minus seven. You're going to want to put that on a teaser, and I'm going to urge you not to. So you play Chicago this week.

Who do you play next week? I'm confused now. I know we have Green Bay and Cincinnati coming up, but that might not be right away. Let me see. Poor Jay Cutler. Yeah. Broken thumb.

And was playing with another injury before that, right? It just can't work. It can't ever seem to work out for him, except for romantically. Yeah. Niners next week for the Cowboys. He did pull down KC. You got to give... What's that?

He pulled down KC. He did, right? Cavalieri. Unbelievable. You love her. She was great looking. Is she the best looking girlfriend in the division even? Oh, wow.

Who are the girlfriends in the division? Olivia Munn, right? That's not that division though, right? What do you mean? Cutler's... Oh, yeah, Who are the girlfriends in the division? Olivia Munn, right? That's not that division, though, right? What do you mean? Cutler's. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Olivia Munn, Cavallari.

Yeah. Matt Stafford's wife. You should see Shelly Stafford. I don't know. I have no idea. Sean Hill, the Vikings. We so needed the audience laughing on that one. The audience would have loved that.

God forbid. Nobody likes that. Totally sold that joke. I would like the Cowboys here, but it's still that defense. You're just being a dick. No, I'm not a dick. It's Andrew Gatchkar, the linebacker. Come on.

He's covering a top receiver every third play. How can I be excited? You think Dallas runs away with this? I have a serious question for you. You get a text on your phone, Cowboys fired Garrett. Happy or sad? Oh, I'm happy. What do you mean?

I'm not a Garrett guy. Just want to make sure. Yeah. Yeah, no. Well, he's here right now. Let's bring him out. What? Jason Garrett.

Don't do that to me. Replace him with Maggie Smith. Yeah. Atlanta at New Orleans, Monday night. I had the Saints by three and a half, and I think that was a mistake. I should have said three. You should have said three, but it's good enough to beat me. I said four.

So one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, you beat me. Eight to three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Twelve to eight, I win if you include ties. I think there might have been four ties. You include ties, and you confuse the hell out of everyone every time you do that. We're only going against each other. People get mad.

Like, you can't count ties. All right, so then it's eight, four, and four ties. What do you want to do? But it runs my record of three and oh. That's all right. I've been down before. You don't like the Saints laying points anymore. No.

It's kind of scary. It has been for years now. Maybe we just jump on a couple of these big underdogs and go some Moneyline underdogs. We always say that. And then we never do it. Then we have the Dolphins on everything. Then I'm like, hey, let's throw the Cowboys in.

Yeah, yeah. All right, let's work backwards. Who do we trust? I trust the Steelers. Yeah. I trust... That's it. The Cowboys?

I guess I trust the Steelers and the Cowboys. There used to be a day we could pull the trigger on Green Bay over Detroit or Carolina over Minnesota or Seattle. We're staying away from Seattle over San Francisco, really? We can't even take that. I don't need to have gambling to have fun. I do. That's not true at all.

You know what? We'll talk ourselves into some terrible bets. But the fact that we're having this discussion now, we're taping this on a Wednesday afternoon, the fact that we can't come up with teams is a bad sign that we should remember that. It's not good. That sounds like we should be careful this weekend. Be careful. Hey speaking of being careful

week three of Cousin Sal's short thing on Facebook. Yeah. 3-0 last week with my best bets. It's going to air noon Eastern on Friday and Sunday I'm on Facebook live at 5 Eastern recapping my picks. What's your super contest record?

House and I went 0-5 and then we went 4-1 last week. So you're 4-6. I'm 6-4. You are? Oh, so you had a bad week too. I did. I should have gone 3-2 and the Giants decided to take advantage of me and my goodwill.

That upset me. Hey, I'm doing Corolla's podcast next week. You are? Yeah. Wow. Our old friend, Adam Carolla. I'm driving over to the Newman Museum to go see him. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's where all his cars are. Yeah. I think that's where his studio is. Yeah. Thursday. He has a $4.5 million car. You should ask him about it.

Oh, I didn't have to ask him about it. He brought it up to me. He volunteered it to me. Really? You're usually very shy. I got to sell all my other cars. He has to sell like six other cars. But yeah, I'm going to be on there Thursday.

I haven't been on. I had been afraid to go on when I was at ESPN because I almost got suspended a couple times just by being in the room for things Adam said. Right, yeah. And now who's gonna suspend me i don't know nobody i'm on hbo i mean this is this is pretty risky this is you think this is risky it's always risky to just be in the room with carola what does hbo have cat house and i don't know this yeah exceeds this might be tough it'll be good it'll be interesting to see if he

remembers who I was. Well, you're going to talk about all the Furious movies again. Yeah, we'll do that. Well, I'd like to talk about John Wick with him. I've watched John Wick a lot. Right. That would be good. Yeah, there's some action movies I'm sure we'll... I don't know if I've been on his podcast since the tragic death of Paul Walker.

We might have to regroup on that one a little bit. You probably haven't. Fast 7. Yeah. A whole bunch of stuff. He's going to get you drunk on Mangria. Oh, yeah, you got a lot of Rams talk. Springsteen.

He can tell me how John Hyatt is a better lyricist than Bruce Springsteen. And then what else do you have to plug in? Let me just say Jimmy Kimmel Live to Thursday night, Viola Davis and Pete Holmes. You can see me at The Cousin Sal. And also a special birthday wish to Bill Simmons. Oh, this weekend. This weekend.

Look at him. What are you, 47? Yeah. You don't like to say? It's a good number. 47. This is a public record. Tom Glavin.

47. Jesse Orozco. Jesse Orozco. Jesse Orozco responsible for the last out of the worst game of your life. Yeah. In 47. That's true. It's going to be a good year. I really need to figure out what the worst game of my life was.

I thought we said last week that was it. I know, but then I was thinking about the 19-0 and being there for my dad's 60th birthday and really almost having to carry him out of the stadium. Really? Yeah yeah you were there for that if you're there if you're there but i think 86 was still worse because i was younger you're younger wait what was your worst well you're gonna make fun and say the blood diamond game but i don't know i remember being eight nine and ten years old and danny white losing the n that. The catch is bad. There's been a lot. There's six Cowboys games a year that I can put in the top five somehow. I think I'm trying to think of a scenario that would really destroy me at this point.

It would have to be the Celtics. It would be the Celtics getting back to the finals and, like, blowing a game seven. Something like that. Because the Pats, you know. The Butler thing erased some demons. The Red Sox won three. But you have to get to a point where you're such a big favorite that it kills you and everyone's going to make fun of you and everything else.

And I don't know if the Celtics will get to that spot. The Celtics are going to be in the finals in the next five years. But it'll be a surprise, right? Like, oh, wow. Can they beat golden state i think devastating losses are behind you is what i'm saying you think so yeah well i'm spending my birthday the way you know it's a dream come true it's it's two soccer games for my daughter in the same day really yeah i get i'm like gonna be like an hour and a half away from my house and it's good, though. I like it.

You don't like it. No, I do. I really do. I do like it. She's not listening. You don't have to say it. I like watching my kids play sports. Yeah, that's nice. Don't you?

Is it on a Sunday? I do like it. I do get into it more. It's more fun than having a team of guys I don't know who wear a jersey that I picked when I was six. Yeah, but you're good about it. I'm a child. My son lost a flag football game on the last play of the game, when I was six. Yeah, but you're good about it. I'm a child. My son lost a flag football game on the last play of the game

and I was furious. And they're walking up the steps, he and his buddy, and they're laughing. And I'm like, oh, I'm glad you're over the game already. Good job. And I have all these parents looking at me like, hey, calm down, maniac. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I have,

I always want more from my daughter after the game. I almost want to have a post-game show. What about in the first half when you had that cross? They just don't care. She's on Instagram. I hate how fast they get over it. I put up a Facebook video of me interviewing her. She's like, we won.

And just went back to her phone. Don't you feel that way? That your kids and the and the pro teams you root for they all get over it pretty quickly like they're posting yeah photos like am i the only fan what happened here yeah it's terrible my daughter's soccer team has a chance to be really good really yeah i'm i'm i have them neck and neck with the celtics for what I'm most excited about right now. Let me know when we can bet on them because that's when I'm in. I wanted to throw them into our Emmy parlay because it was plus two and a half goals against Cerritos last weekend. Thank you to DraftKings, the destination for one-week fantasy football and for some of the worst fantasy teams I've ever put together.

But I'm coming back next week. Go to DraftKings.com. Use the code Simmons to play for free in this weekend's $100,000 fantasy contest. Again, it's free. DraftKings.com, code Simmons. Eligibility restrictions may apply. See website for details.

Thanks to MeUndies. Remember, MeUndies offering 20% off your first order at MeUndies.com slash BS. If you don't love your first pair, it's free. You have no excuse. You have to try my favorite underwear brand. Thanks to Cousin Sal's Short Thing. I just made you a sponsor for the podcast.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, there you go. It's on Facebook. Check it out this week. When is that going up? Friday? Friday, 9 a.m. Pacific, noon Eastern. All right.

Thanks to HBO. You can watch complete episodes and bonus clips from my new talk show, Any Given Wednesday, on HBO Now, HBO Go, HBO On Demand. Definitely check out Kevin Durant, Nas, and Vince Staples this week. We are proud of that episode. Thanks to TheRinger.com, Ringer Podcast Network. Thanks to Cousin Sal. Thanks to Tate. Back Friday with Mike Lombardi and Joe House.

And a little cameo from Chris Vernon. We will see that on the BS Podcast. Happy birthday, Billy Boy! Anytime you want to see me again, rewind this track right here. Close your eyes. And picture me rolling.