The Bill Simmons Podcast - Guess the Lines Week 5 With Cousin Sal and Joe House (Ep. 267)

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons is joined by Cousin Sal and Joe House to discuss the rising L.A. Rams (6:00), Deshaun Watson's dominant performance (10:00), the lack of Presidents Cup coverage (16:00), and the poor football on display in London (23:00). Then, Bill and Sal run through the Week 5 slate and guess the lines for each game (29:00). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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If you love football, Clark and Mays twice a week, Tuesday and Friday. They preview the weekend on Fridays. Kevin Clark, Robert Mays from the Ringer. And then GM Street, Mike Lombardi and Tate Frazier, the producer of this podcast. They're putting them up Sunday nights. You can get the instant reactions. Tate was all giddy last night because Carolina won. So you can subscribe to that on the Ringer NFL show.

And obviously subscribe to the podcast. The two fellas we have on the podcast today. Cousin Sal, against all odds. Special guest Joe House. House of Carbs. And Shaq House. He's got two pods. So anyway, Ringer Podcast Network.

And finally, TheRinger.com. That's where my Friday column is up every week. Last week I wrote about Trump and the NFL and Trump hijacking the NFL for seven straight days. All right, coming up we're going to talk about week five NFL. But first I want to send thoughts and prayers to everybody in Las Vegas who was affected by last night's um just unspeakable tragedy um you know it's it's it's weird to talk about something as insignificant as football today but we're gonna plow through it but uh but man that was that was rough last night it was happening on late pacific coast time last night and it was watching uh cnn and all these stations for

two hours two three hours last night as things keep getting worse and worse and the numbers kept climbing it was just awful so we're thinking about everybody there today we're gonna talk about football today try to take your mind off it for an hour. Joe House, Sal, coming up. Here we go. Alright, Sal's here. House is here. I thought this would be a more jovial morning for us, but we'll pull through. Yeah. I'm taking everything I was going to lose on the Monday night game

and donating it to the Red Cross or something. Of course. They need a lot of blood over there. But, yeah, seems a little weird. House? Yes. You're going to have the first 25 minutes with us, and then we're going to guess the lines without you.

Because you have to go film House of Carbs stuff. I do have a House of Carbs coming up. Your team plays tonight, the Washington professional football team. They're getting seven points against Kansas City? Mm-hmm. This feels like we've now flipped who the good teams are. I was doing the power poll and I, are the top five teams right now,

would you say Chiefs, Packers, Rams, Lions, Broncos? Is that the top five? You didn't put your Patriots in there? We've given up 128 points in four games. I have a whole different thing about how this is the least impressive three-in-one crop that I've seen in a while. Like who's a proven three-in-one? So is nobody good? There's no contenders?

I'm sticking with nobody's good for now. I think, you know... If the Chiefs wax the skins today, then maybe they're the dominant AFC team. House is getting ideas. Look how happy... He's happy talking about the skins. I wouldn't have Green Bay in ahead of the Falcons because they played each other and the Falcons beat them. Oh, right.

Yeah. That's a good point. That would be... But otherwise... So maybe it's... So Chiefs, Rams, Lions, Broncos? Because the Lions should be undefeated. It was stupid, I guess, to throw over the middle to Golden Tate. If he doesn't catch it, you lose the game. But they were like six inches away from being undefeated. Broncos lost a week ago. Maybe there is no top tier.

I don't think so. I think the Chiefs could pull away a little bit, but I still think, you know, if they somehow would have to go to Foxborough in January, that's a loss. I loved the slate yesterday and somehow lost money anyway. Yeah. I love the Rams.

I love the Texans. I love the Bucs. I loved the 49ers. I'm actually proud of you. And I love the Broncos. This is what Bill Simmons did. This is something interesting he did. We guessed the lines last week. I said, Cardinals, home for 49ers.

You said three. He's like, I say Arizona by three. I said, no, it's seven. He's like, that's ridiculous. I'm betting the Niners. And it worked. And I didn't do the Rams. How often does that work?

When you say something like on a Monday, like, oh, no way. That line is way off. I said the line was off. And same thing for the Rams. I thought that line was off. say something like on a Monday, like, oh, no way. That line is way off. I said the line was off. And same thing for the Rams. I thought that line was off. Rams, Cowboys. Yeah, right. I thought that line was going to be like three and a half. But the Rams, I didn't watch that game because I was driving all over Southern California for soccer.

It looked like the Rams just moved the ball and did stuff. The Rams have a good offense. I picked up Jared Goff in our fantasy league last week. He was available. It looked like the Rams just moved the ball and did stuff. The Rams have a good offense. I picked up Jared Goff in our fantasy league last week. He was available. I think they have the most points in the league. I was just going to look that up. The Chiefs are 142 points in four games.

The Chiefs could top that today with like 20 points. But yeah, the Rams are putting up 30 a game. House isn't a believer. It's so early. I mean, we can't reach. I don't want to fall right into cliche talk, but only four games in. There's just some eyebrow raisers is all. I mean, you know, the Rams have a proven history of underperforming in a colossal,

I mean, in a wonderful array of different, you know, manners. Before the week one column that I wrote, or during the week one column I wrote, I said that they had a chance to be the shitty 10 and 6 team that made the playoffs. I don't know if they're shitty. Like Todd Gurley might be like, is he one of the four best running backs in the league this year?

I'm getting mad. How bad? Everyone seems to have Todd Gurley on one of their seven fantasy teams the last two years, and now he's just explosive. So their next five games, they're going Seattle at home. That's the big one. That's the big one. Yeah.

At Jacksonville, home for Arizona, bye week, at the Giants, home for Houston, at Minnesota, who has now just been ravaged. Bradford, who knows when he comes back, they lose Dalvin Cook. Home for the Saints at Arizona, home for Philly, at Seattle, at Tennessee, home for San Francisco. That kind of feels like 12-4 if they can stay healthy. Wow. It's amazing.

If you like them to beat Seattle this week, you're going to have a tough time convincing yourself that Seattle's going to come back and win the division. I know it is early, but a two-game lead would be something. We were at dinner last night and I didn't watch that game. I don't feel like I miss that much Colts-Seahawks, but I know because you watch all football games. Is there anything you learned from that game? Well, the Seahawks was my best bet, one of two best bets.

I had the Jaguars who were on the two-yard line down three, about to go up four before I got Bortled. Bortled. Is that a verb now? It is. It's got to be. You got Bort. Before I got Bortled. Bortled. Is that a verb now? It is. It's got to be. You got Bortled? You got Bortled? Yeah.

I guess I Bortled myself. I don't think you can get Bortled. Seahawks, they just turned it on the second half. I like this new running back. This is going to be the big waiver pickup, right? Which one? McNichick? What is it?

Who's the Seahawks? How many running backs do the Seahawks have? The pro size is her. Infinite number. It just seems like the running back supply is endless. It's true. Like the Giants yesterday had this dude, what's his name, Gallman? I don't know. Yeah, right. It's a Gallman Jr. Clemson kid, yeah. Gallman Jr.'s in.

He looked pretty good. He was fourth round pick. Yeah. Was just the entire tape, was the third and fourth round just all running backs? Pretty much. Sorry, I'm trying to find this guy's name because I laughed every time they said it. Oh, J.D. McKissick. That's it.

McKissick. Yes. That's right. J.D. McKissick. Yeah, he was on Falcons for a minute. Yeah, he sounds familiar. Meanwhile, the Saints have Adrian Peterson who comes in the game and you just know they're going to run the ball to him. He runs in the line and falls down.

Why is he on the team? He doesn't need to be on that team. No. going to run the ball to him. He runs in the line and falls down. Why is he on the team? He doesn't need to be on that team. No. There are teams that can use him. I was so excited. I woke up yesterday. We'd gone out to Cassell's the night before, and I had to pat him out. I just woke up.

My stomach hurt. And it's like 6.20 in the morning. It's pitch black. And I'm like, what am I going to do? I'll just go through emails. I'm like, oh, Saints- i'll just go through emails i'm like oh saint's dolphins i was so excited there was football on sit down and make coffee sit down and watch it and it's just awful it was like zero zero with like you got cut an hour into oh he's so

bad yeah matt moore should start for them this week you would think right yeah like cutler's like body language is bad the throws are bad bad. What's good about it? I wonder what Adam Gase was trying to prove there. Like I am, is it just like, I'm the Cutler whisperer. So even though I'm at more, maybe fine. And he was decent and got us the little to the playoffs and,

you know, but we lost a tough game, but, but what is, what is his deal? Well, it seemed like a lot of downside bringing Cutler in. Yeah.

Well, especially like they were only six and9 with him that year when he was the Cutler whisperer. But I watched that team. I have Jarvis Landry on my fantasy team. It seems like he's open. Devontae Parker is scary. Jay Ajayi is good. They can't get him off. How do you get shut out

by the Saints? Parker and Landry are supposed to be two of the top 20 fastest guys in the league. And Cutler refuses to throw downfield. It's all check down. You don't want to say a football team didn't try because it's ridiculous how badly injured guys can get for not trying. But third and 20, like nine minutes left, they ran the ball down 13. They hadn't scored yet.

And then it was like a false start. With Cutler, just throw deep balls down the field. That's what I mean. Somebody jump up and try to get them. With those two guys. If you're going to get shut out, I don't get that. So some other stuff that happened. We'll talk about the Pats in a second.

Deshaun Watson, kudos to Lombardi. Lombardi, like the six weeks leading up to the draft, was like, Deshaun Watson, I would take him. That guy's a culture changer. This guy can't miss. I don't know what these teams are doing that don't have a quarterback. Like, he was like, he went all in. Right.

And then a bunch of teams passed him, including the Jets and Bengals. And the Browns traded their pick that ended up being DeSean Watson. He was against the Pats. Always hard to say with this how bad this Pats defense is. But the thing that struck me in that game was how calm he was and how nervous i was because him then it transferred over this tennessee game and now here the houston guys talking about i'm like oh my god we have a quarterback this is the deandre hopkins he's got to feel like he won

the lottery it's the very best possible situation for deshaun right yeah he goes to a team it's almost like if he'd gone to to houston or Denver, those are the two places where they have incredible defenses. The critical missing link they have is at the quarterback position. Or if he'd gone to Cincinnati, then he's on Cincinnati. Or the Browns. But Houston, not only did they really need him, not only was he the missing piece, but he goes to this fan base that's never had a quarterback.

Right. They had Schaub. Schaub for a minute. Schaub. He had a a quarterback. Right. They had Schaub. Schaub for a minute. Schaub, man. He had a minute. There was a minute for Schaub. They went 12-4 one season. You knew what you were getting with Schaub.

He was getting that first-round playoff game against the Bengals. They had him for a minute. Here's what I'll say about Watson. Yeah. Rookie of the year. Unfortunately, Dalvin Cook's out of the mix now. I think he was favored. By the way, I'm going to have services for my fantasy team

at the end of this podcast because it's officially over. I also spent $20 on Christian McCaffrey, who is basically Dion Lewis, it seems like. I don't even know what. Tate, have you given up already? I never bought in. Okay. Why was everybody blowing him before the season?

Because it seemed like they were revolving their whole offense around him. But they did, and then they stopped. Right, Tate? They did last week, and now it was a decoy this week, and they won. Tate doesn't have a mic. His house stole his mic. Oh, I'm sorry. Just scream.

Scream your lungs out. But who would you go rookie of the year right now? Hunt minus 120? It's got to be Kareem Hunt. What about Watson? Why not Watson? Plus 110. Well, if Kareem cream hunt rushes for 3 000 yards and 30 touchdowns i'm gonna vote for him i he's on pace i didn't know that that uh you could still get watson at a plus number that's what i mean i i have some very important messaging to do immediately after

this podcast didn't we talk about him before the year we talked about him for rookie yeah right the idea is the the you know i always take a quarterback over a running back for a Rookie of the Year kind of thing. Don't forget, Elliott was the crazy stats, and Prescott won last year. Maybe it is worth taking Watson. Plus 110. No, Mariota already got hurt. Oh! Yeah.

It must be October the 1st. It's news to us. These news to us. I've never heard of... Lombardi talked about it on GM Street last night, and it got me thinking, like, I've never heard of a quarterback pulling a hammy. When has that ever happened in the history of football?

I don't want to revel in it, because he's clearly such a good guy and such an important part to that team. I don't want to be a dick about it. Then he should be a senator. Stay healthy. Be a senator if you're a good guy. You've got to play.

Well, it looks like Houston has that division by the balls now. I like that. That was our original pick, right? Yeah. We're feeling good about that. The problem is, what was our big bet with house? Seattle, Green Bay. Pittsburgh.

And not the Pats. No, the Pats weren't in it. No, Green Bay wasn't in it. No, I think the Pats were in it. Seattle, Pittsburgh, and the Pats. And not the Pats. No, the Pats weren't in it. No, Green Bay wasn't in it. No, I think the Pats were in it. Seattle, Pittsburgh, and the Pats? Yeah. Which one are you the most nervous of to win the division? Incredibly, Seattle.

I think the Rams could win that division because of that schedule. I'm nervous about Seattle. We're going to have to do a hedge. Because I went even further. I put the Chiefs on one. I put the Texans on. I took the three-way and went four-way. I had the Texans in there, too. three-way, went four-way. I had the Texans in there, too.

Three-way to four-way. Jesus. So it looks like the Raiders, my instincts were correct. You were wrong about that. The Raiders. Listen, I was wrong on plenty of things. But it looks like the Raiders were the everyone's blowing smoke and jerking them off.

And they're a legit contender. And meanwhile, they hadn't done anything. And they were 3-3 against AFC West last year. I still don't understand it and you listen to GM Street and Lombardi talks about the blue chippers on the offensive line

for the Raiders and all this other thing lack of explosiveness same issue with your team no game breakers how is it possible Cooper and Crabtree I think they might stink

Cooper and Crabtree or Cooper is maybe a number 2 receiver being treated like a number 1 receiver and the Deadskins shut them down. Shut them the F down. Quick break.

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Sal, maybe you could put your 500 picks up this year. 500? You just go 500 every week. Oh, yeah, yeah. Three weeks in a row, 101. Captain 500. Oh, God. Fully customizable templates, third-party app support,

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slash Bill Simmons. That is bluehost.com slash Bill Simmons. Speaking of gambling, on your podcast against the trifecta. They did a great job. They swept it, right? No, Darren, the Cowboys cost on a money line for a parlay kid. So you had a chance this week. I had a chance, and that's

the one I bought. I do a thing called Sharp Tank where between the three, they pitch me their best bet, and two weeks in a row, I've picked the only one that's lost. But Harry had Washington State, was like plus 180 over USC. Big win. And brother Brian bet and two weeks in a row i've picked the only one that's lost but but harry had washington state was like plus 180 over uh usc big win and uh brother brian has a 17 college parlay that won i had to reach out to house like you couldn't even find the scores for this like for the top american there's so little interest in it. There was barely any results afterwards.

Like, oh, they basically shut it down. They won the thing Saturday. Yeah. I had made a couple of small plays on top American. There was some decent. Kisner and Koepka. When did the President's Cup start? 1994.

Feels like this contrived. Some network executive started it. Like, what if we have our version of the Ryder Cup? It wasn't quite that cynical. There was this idea that getting the non-European international players some exposure would be good for all of the tours. And so it's the Australians, it's the South Africans, and Gary Players had a big part in it.

They just can't get enough guys together that are worth a shit. I feel bad. I feel like we're rubbing it in. We do. Like Cartwheels, these guys who are expressionless for months and months and months, and they're just like making snow angels into sand traps after we win. Kisner and Mickelson did the Three Amigos chest bump. Yeah.

Oh, hoo-ha! That thing. That's very weird. It was like 40 years ago. Tiger Woods is launching a new cup in his orlando golf course next year you didn't hear about this it's the tiger woods tripod cup oh no it's a trophy it's shaped like his tripod cell phone picture that was a discussion at dinner last night what do you have to do to win it discussion at dinner last night was whether Tiger released that photo

himself and photoshopped it. Oh, interesting. Photo, that's outrageous. Well, there were internet rumors about photoshopping.

I don't believe them. He didn't photoshop a damn thing. My only suspicion anytime there's a cell phone pic like that is whether there was a little self-fluffing

before. Who cares? It's giant. Go ahead and self-fluff right now. Don't talk bad about giant. Go ahead and self-fluff right now. Don't talk bad about Tiger's penis in front of house. I told you this. I told you this.

This should be part of the Shack House podcast. Every week, Tiger's penis. You should get an email from a reader. We gave it one week. Each week, send an email to Tiger's penis. Tiger's penis. I'm thinking about buying a new car. Tiger, just go big. It's penis, I'm thinking about buying a new car. Tiger, just go big.

It's the only part of him that works. Poor Tiger. Dalvin Cook out for the year. Sam Bradford is Sam Bradford. I like that team. I like that team, and now it's just

two straight years. It's tough. Gotta cross them off. The defense is so good, it's gonna keep them in all these games. But yeah, you lose your quarterback.

Peterson trade? And come back. No? Interesting. Nah. So it looks like Lions versus Packers, we got two playoff teams in that. Rams and Seahawks, two playoff teams in that. Oh, not so fast.

Whoever wins the NFC South, and then whoever wins the NFC East, and that's our six. The NFC South, the last place is two and two. Why couldn't there be two teams from the NFC South and then whoever wins the NFC East, then that's our six. The NFC South, the last place is two and two. Why couldn't there be two teams from the NFC South? Well, then they'd have to grab the Seahawks spot. Yeah. Right? Unless you think the Packers are going to fold.

I think the Lions are legit. I was impressed by them in that Falcons game. I'm not ready to count out the NFC East. I'll see you tonight. I want to see my guys tonight. I like it. That defense is so much improved. I can't tell you how much I'll see you tonight. I want to see my guys tonight. I like it. That defense is so much improved. I can't tell you

how much I made a good defense. It's the complete opposite of how I feel when I watch the Patriots. You actually can pressure the passer and do some stuff. Yes. It's an incredible feeling. So Carson Wentz, I've seen a couple NFL films. You know, like him on the sidelines,

him with the 61-yard field goal and the way he interacts. And then there's stuff about how he took everybody to North Dakota and they had, like, this bonding. He actually seems like he might be something. He might have some leadership skills. You like him. I do. I think I like him.

I like the way he carries himself. I don't know how good he is, but I like he has the quarterback intangibles thing down. I totally agree with you, and I like the way he carries himself i i like i don't know how good he is but i like he has the quarterback intangibles thing down i totally agree with you and i like the eagles coming into this season as the the team that's going to win the nfc east and i they they haven't done anything to detract from that effing lombardi is so down on doug peterson oh yeah i know he killed peterson but the thing is if wentz is the leader, right, and they are all galvanized around him, then that offsets the Peterson effect. Damn it. Eagles now minus 120, first time they're favored to win the division this year.

You know why I brought him up? Let me hear. Because Captain Morgan, the captain will not rest until he has brought his adventurous spirit and delicious rum to every corner of America. Original spice, coconut, pineapple, white, black, grapefruit, whatever you want. The captain loves anyone who learns to mix like a captain. Every week, Sal and I pick a captain of the week. I think mine is Carson Wentz. You like him, huh?

I like the way he carries himself. I think if I'm a Philly fan, I don't know how talented he is. Maybe he's a guy who's going to throw the ball away too much. I like the way he moves around. I like the way he inspires the team. I agree with Lombardi that Doug Peterson might be a train wreck, but I think they have a real quarterback. And you go on

down the line, it's like I don't know about Jameis. No, I know. I needed Tampa to cover the minus three, and I was going to go 5-0 in the Super Contest, and I'm watching Jameis. Jameis is just too up and down.

Everything looks too difficult for him. Yeah. I don't feel like he's gotten better in two years. And I really thought this was going to be the year he made the leap. Right. And then you look at Mariota, who can't stand on the field. Then you go on down the line. Andrew Lux already banged up and Cam Newton,

even though it is comeback week. But Wentz might, you know, Wentz and Goff, maybe those guys would be good. I would never put Goff anywhere near Wentz. Why can't we let Goff? Goff's played well this year. He needs to speed up that arm. Carson Wentz is my captain. Who's your captain this week?

Let me just say, is he still your captain if he doesn't give his game check to the kicker like you promised? Yeah, how do we feel about that? I think we have to see. Is it a throwaway line? I think we have to see. It's not captain like if you promise a a game check and then how much do we think he makes a year like four or five million deal in the 17 weeks that's like a 300 000 game check yeah yeah that's stupid if he gives that up i think he should i think he should weasel's way out of that now he needs to do it buy. Buy him dinner. Call it even. He's got to be a captain.

That Jake Elliott's so happy that he made it. All right, who's your captain this week, Sal? My captain, it's tough because it's an 84,423-way tie for every spectator who had to watch that crap fest in Wembley. They're all my captain of the week. All the London fans. Every fan who's sitting through that sitting through that soggy suck fest of a game it's terrible where there was how many points there was um it's great it was it

was a hundred and i don't know i have the number and i can't read it now 146 yards and penalties one team didn't score it's just awful like we should be sending these games to north korea not london i'm done with this. That's an interesting idea, the North Korea market. Might have to beef that up. What kind of game do we send there if this is what we send? I like that. This is crazy. I'm sorry, London.

Here's your football game, Rocket Man. Sad. And no one's standing at your anthem. Your anthem's crap. Carolina, New England, Tampa Bay Giants, we could have sent them a lot of good games. We didn't. We sent them. And I apologize. I thought Saints-Dolphins was going to be good.

Going into it, I was excited. I was like, Cutler's going to air it out this week. Had a little shootout, and it was like they couldn't stay out there. The house has to go. Oh, you have to go? He can't go 25 minutes without eating. This is it. So where's the House of Carbs today? Yeah, the House of is it. Bye, house. So what's the house of carbs today?

Yeah, the house of carbs. Let me pick up on this one thing, because I talked to three Eagles fans who went to the game. I think a lot of Philly fans went to that game. Well, my friend Andy, he asked me midweek, he's like, I have two tickets, you want to go to the game? And I told him, I said, fuck you, don't ever talk to me again. I said,

I don't want these tickets, I don't want to go. But anyway, I talked to Eagles fans, and they see it as, where else would you want to watch a football game? This is great. The opposing team sees it as like a sports bar. Like, you know, what's the Boston sports bar here? You get to see all your dudes. And that's it.

It's your Boston sports bar times 1,000. It's all your guys. That's basically what every Red Sox-Angels game is. Right. They get 10,000 Red Sox fans at the games, and it's like, oh, I'm with all my Boston people. But it's terrible, right? If you're raising your kid a Chargers fan, it's not good.

Well, but if you're a Chargers fan, you should have quit on this team anyway. I know. Because they moved out of your city. So give up. Just start gambling or pick a new team. Right. Or stay with them and just

watch on tv i i think what sucks is that if you're on the team you have a home field disadvantage i thought they'd have more fans at these games i knew the philly fan was going to be the game was gonna be a problem i didn't know like the dolphins were gonna overtake the stadium that was crazy yeah so like what city would have to what team would like tampa do well like i'm not sure like who where does it become fans don't travel yeah pretty crazy but i went from thinking oh maybe the the energy in that stadium you'll have fans on both sides and there but no it's just sad and depressing before we we get to the week five games, cross off teams. Oh.

New England Patriots. Who else? Crossing off the Browns, right? Oh, yeah. Crossing off the Niners, 0-4? Mm-hmm. All the 0-4s. Chargers?

Crossing off the Chargers Yeah The Giants are the only one I hesitated on Could they go 9-7? Could the Could the Second wild card

Be a 9-7 record? Could they get to 9-7? I don't have their schedule But I'm gonna say Because their last two games They lost In the You know

In the last three minutes. They're not like the Browns just getting blown out by Andy Dalton. Right. They're home for the Chargers this week at Denver, home for Seattle by week. I think they have to win two of those next three, so they'd be two and five. Home for the Rams at San Francisco.

Conceivably four-5 at that point. Home for Kansas City at Washington on a Thursday, they'd have to split those, 5-6. At Oakland, who knows with that team, they could be 6-6 by that point. Home for Dallas-Philly, let's say they split those 7-7. At Arizona, home for Washington. Their last month's pretty favorable. Three home games, all against NFC East teams.

We could wait one more week. Yeah, I don't think we can cross them off yet, right? I don't think they go 9-3, but we could wait one more week. Well, we usually try to cross off a team per week. We're four weeks in. I can only find three. Okay. You wouldn't cross off anyone else, right? Yeah, I guess the Bengals survive another week of cross-off.

I don't think we can cross-off anyone in that division. Right, because it's bad. Because it's bad, and it's like if Roethlisberger gets hurt next week, then 9-7 might win that division. You're not crossing the Colts off if they lose this week, though. Can't cross the Colts off. Because there's a lot coming

back, maybe. Alright, yeah, so that's it. And the Bears are not. Even though you're saying two teams in the NFC North Can't cross off the Bears yet because the Vikings stink And I think the Bears schedule is But there's two good teams already in that division They're like two games behind The Lions, who you have as a wild card

Alright, we don't have to cross them off I can't cross the Bears off here Tate, would you cross the Bears off? Tate, grab your bike back Oh yeah, Tate, hold on. Tate's not crossing them off until he sees Trubisky in there. No, it's because of Tariq Cohen. Yeah, Cohen and Trubisky.

I'm in on both those guys. I think the Bears have something. Like, those two running backs together are kind of scary. I don't want to cross them off yet. I like their defense, too. All right. Week five. Week five. We have their defense, too. All right. Week five. Week five. We have some buys this

week. Let me just say, we're 2-2 against each other. People get mad that we don't recap the score and everything. Week five, 2-2. Yeah, four teams on buy. Falcons, Broncos, Saints, Redskins. Which of those four needed the buy the most? Probably

the Falcons. Yeah, I guess the Falcons, yeah. I think they win that game. I know I'm going to get crap from Bills fans, and because they were the team I was most wrong about all year, I think. But kind of lucky to be where they are, I think. I really do. The Bills or the Falcons? They beat the Jets.

Bills. They should have won week one, though. A couple calls week one. Remember week one? They should have won. Didn't they play the Jets. Bills. They should have won week one, though. Remember week one? They should have won. Didn't they play the Jets week one? Week two. Panthers. Yeah, week two was Panthers. Zay Jones.

That's what it was. They should have won that one. Maybe. Weird call with Denver and Von Miller. Defense is good. They don't turn the ball over. That's good. But Julio Jones plays. Muhammad Sanu plays. The part I don't understand with them is why They don't turn the ball over. Yeah, that's good. But Julio Jones plays. Muhammad Sanu plays. The part I don't understand with them is why they didn't need Sammy Watkins. Well, that's what's weird. Was he like a bad teammate? They were scrapping the whole team for draft picks.

Reggie Raglin at the end. That never works for teams. I don't know if that Zayde Jones is the answer. But maybe they'll be able to, if they really feel like they have a chance to win the division, they could always flip for a wide receiver. So Thursday night. Here we go. This is bizarre.

I actually thought it was a mistake when they were talking about this during the Pats game. Wow, they got to, you know, Thursday night in Tampa. I'm like, we're playing Thursday night in Tampa? Like somehow I missed it. I don't think we've played in Tampa Bay three times in my life. That could be right. I'm going to say if you gave me the over-under for three and a half, I would go under.

I can't remember the last time we've played there. I honestly can't. I don't know if it's happened in the last 15 years. Not on Thursday night. I can't remember the last road game they've played on a Thursday night against a non-AFC East team. And I actually thought Thursday nights were going to be mostly division games.

But this one's not. It's a weird game. And it's the worst possible timing for them because the defense is in complete disarray. And of all weeks where you would have wanted a week to kind of plan stuff, my guess is that everybody and their brother is going to write them off this week,

which is usually a good sign. If you're a Pats fan, write them off. Oh, this is like, I would urge people to be careful with the pets. I, my,

my pick for this game, Pats at Tampa. My pick is Pats by three and a half. No, you know, it's higher than that. You just know, you know, it's higher than that. You just know.

I really don't. You know it's higher than that. It's higher than that? Yeah, because it's a back against the wall game. I had six. It's five. I think that's a mistake. It's a Thursday night game.

Oh, I get it. I think Tampa's pretty good. We're on pace to give up over 500 points this year. So I looked it up. The entire Belichick-Pats run, true or false, they've never given up 350 points in a season. False. True. Really?

Yeah. They've never given up more than 346. So they're on pace right now for 516. I don't know. It's a problem. The other thing is they have two home losses. I think they had two last year they had one in 2015 and one in

2014 very strange but the defense is bad but what did Carolina have like 21 going into the fourth quarter it wasn't you expect your team to score 35 at home to be right there

they didn't take care of Malcolm Butler and he hasn't been good this year. They spent their free agent ransom money on, or not ransom, but their whatever for Gilmore, who has not been good this year. And they didn't address the front seven really at all. Then their third round pick gets hurt. Ninkovich retires. Ninkovich retiring could be bigger than it is. Even though numbers-wise, not spectacular.

But a leader. Kind of like a leader. Yeah, they just kind of lost their identity. And I don't see how it gets better. Because as Lombardi said on GM Street, you can see every play they're getting pushed backwards. And that's not fixable. I just don't know how they fix it.

Here's what I would do if I was the Patriots. I just don't know how they fix it. Here's what I would do if I was the Patriots. I would go the other way. People are like, oh, what should they do? Who can they trade for? It's like, this defense is going to suck. Belichick's going to be able to put stuff together. I would actually try to make the offense better.

I would go get Jarvis Landry. Let's just load up. Let's have like a million weapons and just be like, we're staying on the field for 40 minutes a game. You're not even getting the ball. We're just going to fly down and kick your ass. Because you're going to score on us when you get the ball. It's interesting.

It's a nice thing to do for Brady, too, like in his last couple of years. What was that Colts team? I'm going to let you show off. Remember that Colts team that didn't they even, they might have even won the Super Bowl when the safety Bob Sanders, when he was hurt most of the year and they were just giving up 30 points a game but Manning was scoring and

they were somehow competent. Reggie Wayne Harrison, maybe that's what they have to do because I don't know if they can solve the defense. Well I think they do have to do that. The other option would be to fire the defensive coordinator who Belichick has been carrying for the last few years and nobody wants to admit that he's really not good. And that we,

in all of these Superbowls, they've fallen behind teams have had big drives in them. And, you know, if it's not for that Malcolm Butler play, they lose that Seattle game. I don't know about this. Scheming,

scheming wise, they do seem to draft the right type of guy for every position that, that is a Belichick special. But when you get to like scheming as a defensive coordinator, maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't the right guy for the job. Minus 700 to win the division. What was it to start?

Minus 10,000 or something crazy? This is easily the worst defense. I actually went through because I remembered the 05 defense being bad the year Bruschi. After the third Super Bowl, Bruschi had the stroke, so he didn't play that year. People got old. I was like, oh, I remember that defense being really bad. And I think they gave up like 340 points. Right.

They weren't even that bad. They gave up a 40-point game in the Colts. But other than that, it wasn't like a disaster. And then Jake Plummer kind of picked them apart in the playoffs. This defense is much worse than that. Do you guys want to guess one more odds-y type thing? When the Panthers, the game was tied, the Patriots tied it. How much time was left?

How much time did the Panthers have to take? Four minutes. No, was it that much? Yeah. Four minutes. Panthers have the ball. What do you think the line is on the game? Pats by like 200 minus 200 wow just the fact that they were favored there was minus 150 but the fact that they were favored

the panthers had the ball driving against this bad defense to win i thought it was a quick three and out for the panther and then brady comes down and scores a touchdown to win it almost could have been there was a defensive a of weird calls in that last drive. The Pats, Amandola's not going to play 17 games. Or 17. He's not going to last 17 weeks the way that they're relying on him now because he can't stay on the field. He takes too many hits. That's why Jarvis Landry, I feel like he could go steal right now.

He's just a terrible situation with this bad quarterback. And Miami, it doesn't seem like they're happy with him. I would go take that guy. Just put him on the team. That'd be smart. Another interdivision trade that kills the inferior team. So the Sunday marquee game of the week. I almost hurt your feelings and did Seahawks-Rams for this.

Okay. I almost hurt your feelings. Because the game I'm the most excited about is Seahawks-Rams for this. Okay. I almost hurt your feelings because the game I'm the most excited about is Seahawks-Rams. Wasn't that like 7-3 last year? Seahawks-Rams. I just can't. This is it. The Rams, everybody's going to blow smoke up their asses all week. Sean McVay, oh my God, he's so great.

Jared Goff. Todd Gurley. This is it. All right, go out and prove it because everybody's going to be kissing your ass this week. Sunday Mar marquee. Dallas hosting the Packers of Green Bay. You wouldn't have heard of Green Bay. We're not very good right now.

Packers, I have favored by three points in Dallas. Oh, wow. I had Cowboys by two. It's Cowboys by two and a half. Oh, you're really down on the Cowboys. I'm really down on your team. I can't believe you'd make this the marquee matchup. I'm so down on your team.

I thought your defense was shaky anyway. How long is Sean Lee at now? They don't know, but it's going to be bad. I mean, there was a mass exodus for the D-backs this year from Dallas, and I didn't even love any of them. I like Barry Church. He was a hard hitter. But then Marth Claiborne I had no use for.

Carr played, but, you know, serviceable, but never got hurt. But these replacements are not gangbusters by any stretch, and you lose Sean Lee, it's a different story. Marinelli, talk about defensive coordinators that might be in trouble. Yeah, but you also, you're not explosive either. Right. I don't see how you keep pace with them this game. Dez isn't a top eight receiver anymore.

Don't you think the Packers will be favored by the end of the week? Maybe. It might come down. And then, again, they're playing on 10 days rest against Dallas. You know, another screw job in that regard. I was going to. I was trying to talk myself into the Rams money line yesterday and I couldn't do it. And they're doing the

Niners money line, which is plus 230 with the Seahawks. First down and goal from the eight. They run play. The guy gets tackled seven yards behind the line of scrimmage. They have to settle it for the field goal. And then Carson Palmer. Has anybody just vacillate

between competent and completely incompetent like him during a football game? All of a sudden, he's competent. He's just firing down the field. He's finding open guys. It's like, you've been terrible for three hours. Just send somebody every time against him. He gets the happy feet and he's in trouble.

What do you think of the overtime, the 10 minutes? I think it's like two. I would have gone 12. Yeah, 12 is better. 12 seems fair. 10 seemed too fast. Well, now the coin toss means more than anything. You get a six and a half minute drive and you kick a field goal.

The other team only has three and a half minutes to match your field goal. It seems like coin toss means a lot. If you were a 29-year-old up-and-coming play-by-play guy, who your dream was to be like the next Al Michaels or Joe Buck or whoever. You're talking about Tate right now. Yeah. And you were watching that game. And I think that was the game Dick Stockton announced.

He was announcing one of them. I think it was Sam Rosen. Sam Rosen. So you're watching these games and it's like Dick Stockton, Sam Rosen. Yeah. You just got to be like, oh, my God, I'm never getting a break. These guys are 100 years old still, the play-by-play guys. Like, when am I going to get a chance?

Let's do the math. Joe Buck's not leaving. Michael's isn't leaving. Like, how am I going to break into the business? Yeah. Have to kill somebody. Can't do it, Tate. Can I just say something about Zeke Elliott real quick?

People think he's not a good guy. Can I still think he's not a good guy after this? You'll see. Let's listen. He dives for the pylon. He scores. Touchdown. He does the hot potato thing. The Cowboys get in a circle. The offensive line, he throws the ball around. The fat number 73 spikes it, and that's it. They review the play. He's not in.

It's not a touchdown. He scores later on, same end zone. Takes the ball, runs it up to his on, same end zone, takes the ball, runs it up to his mother in the front row and kisses her. He was that convinced that he was going to score twice that he forgot about his mother for the first celebration but did it the second time. That's what a good guy is like.

Sorry, I've got to do this hot potato thing. If there's time and I score and it happens to be in the same end zone, you'll get the ball. What a great guy. There you go. I'm still not convinced. He's confident. I was watching the Broncos Raiders yesterday.

I think it was CJ Anderson. They showed his mom in the stance. Apologies if it wasn't him, but I think it was him. It was somebody on Denver and they were like, there's his mom. She's wearing a Raiders jacket. Oh no. And she's got the Denver jersey underneath. And they're saying, there's this mom. She's a huge Raiders jacket. Oh, no. And she's got the Denver jersey underneath. And they're saying, there's this mom.

She's a huge Raiders fan. She's really conflicted about this game. I'm thinking, like, conflicted? Like, that's her son. Just for one game. Just wait for one game for your son? What's worse than having lousy sheets? I can't think of anything.

Remember being in college trying to prolong the same set of sheets for like nine weeks? Right. How disgusting they were. Tate, how often are you doing laundry? What do you mean? For my sheets? No, just in general. How often are you doing laundry?

Young people don't like to do laundry. Like two weeks once a year. Maybe two weeks, yeah. Guess what? Great sleep starts with the right sheets, and they're more affordable than you think with Bow and Branch. They make the most comfortable sheets you'll ever sleep on. Fall asleep faster, sleep deeper, wake up ready to kick some ass.

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when you use the promo code BS. It's B-O-L-L-N-D-B-R-A-N-C-H.com. Try them for 30 nights. If you're not impressed, return them for a full refund. Again, $50 off plus free shipping right now at B-O-L-L-N-B- B-O-L-L and branch.com. Okay. Man, we've got to race through these.

A lot of games coming. Let's race through the poop fact, though. I had two this week. There's at least two, yeah. The New York Jets are at the Cleveland Browns, and the Indianapolis Colts are hosting the San Francisco 49ers. Dare I say we've never had a better poop-fecta combo than those two. I don't want to watch one second of either of those games.

I had the Jets minus three at Cleveland, and I had the Colts minus two and a half at home against the 49ers. What did you have? I had Jets minus two and a half. Somehow Cleveland is favored by one and a half. So I get that. What did you have for Indy? Cleveland's been favored twice this year.

Yeah, you're right. It's impossible. You're right. They're awful. Why are we doing this to ourselves? I feel like, why don't we just bet against the Browns every week? It's like we're going to the buffet

and passing the crab legs just to get to the mashed potatoes. Why are we making it hard on ourselves? If we had just gone into the season, well, you know why? Because they threw us off in week one when they covered against the Steelers. After they that we should have just been like all right they're one and oh against the spread let's go against the next time you're right so the the end of

the call it's minus two and a half over the night it's off it's off the board I had three but they don't know about Locke or Brissette or anything I continue to kind of like this Niners team I think they're the frisky hang around but lose at the end team that is fun to bet on. I feel bad a little for Kyle Shanahan. They should be a little better than this. They lost three games by eight points. Well, yesterday they were dropping passes. They should have won that game yesterday. Alright, barely watchables.

I have six barely watchables so we'll just go through these. Let's do two road favorites first. Cincinnati hosting the Bills of Buffalo. I had the Bills of Buffalo. I had the Bills minus two. I might be wrong. I had the same thing, Bill Simmons.

And Cincinnati's favored by three. Off by five points that game. So the Bills are just going to be the nobody believes in us gambling team this year. I believe in the Bills. Yeah, they hang in these games. They're as good as the Bengals, at least, I think. The other one is Tennessee is at Miami.

There's no way Miami can be favored in this game. Although, how long is Mariota out? Do we know? I think this is based on him playing, because there was a line on this. So Mariota went to get his hamstring checked out yesterday and brought a cheese plate for the doctor and gave all the nurses and stuff candy and they were just in love with him.

Stop making that up. He's Mario Hilda's a great guy story. Oh, I see. People like him. You know what would make him great? If he stayed on the field for four straight games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stretch that hammock.

Yeah, it's a great guy, though. What did you have for this? Titans minus three in Miami is what I had. That's what I had and that's what the line is. So could this be Matt Castle versus Jay Cutler? Tate, is that what this is? Could be. It's going to be, or it could be Matt Moore versus Matt Castle.

One of the Matts. Listen, I'm already on the record with this from last year. I continue to think Matt Moore is half decent. In that playoff game, he got concussed, and that was the only reason he shit the bed in that playoff game. But they were playing well up until that point. I think Castle, I think this is still a three-point, Titans are favored by three, even if Castle.

But what do you need, three or ten points to beat the Dolphins? That's fine. Castle, Mariota, it doesn't matter. My guess would be Matt Moore is the quarterback for this game. All right, four home favorites for the barely watchables. First one, probably not a line for this, Raiders hosting the Ravens. Yeah, no line. I didn't even guess.

Both teams 2-2, obviously. Back spasms, they're positive about Carr, but they're not sure. So the Ravens pass the injury point and no return, it seems like. Because I like them as like, how the hell is this Team 10 and 6, their defense carrying them? But now they can't block. They lost Yonda. Talk about a team that threw us off with the first two games.

Yeah, but they had too many injuries. I don't hold that against them. Giants are home for the Chargers. This has all the makings of the Eli ramming it up your butt bet. Has all the makings of the Eli ramming it up your butt bet. Really? Has all the makings. Yeah. He's putting on the latex glove, getting the Vaseline ready for you.

And there's a whole problem in Eli Phillip Rivers' little rivalry, right? With the draft picks and everything. For the 0-4, yeah, they got flipped. I mean, the Chargers have to be happy to finally be on the road. Yeah, they've had some fans that they had some fans It's the same experience anyway The Giants have covered the last two weeks They covered the Eagles game They're down 14

Come back they end up they lose but they cover I feel like I talked you out of a couple bets You like the Niners You saved me yesterday You said let me know if Tampa gets down to 2.5 I was like, it did. I thought I liked the Rams. But they were minus three.

It was the same kind of thing. The Rams won but didn't cover. Yeah, we've had a couple of those this year. So the Giants yesterday somehow covered Tampa. Nick Folk, just incredible. I mean, obviously, he's just had a bad day. But it did make you think like if you're ever going to fix an NFL game

you go after the long snapper, the kicker or like the umpire who can call which umpire would you go after? The line judge? What for an off sides? What were you saying? I guess you'd probably want some pass interference right? Because all of those

you'd want somebody on the sidelines who was just throwing pass interference penalties. Those would be the three. Nick Folk yesterday single-handedly cost them the cover. Sure. Because they were better than the Giants. I mean, that game should have been over. But also, Evans going down at the three-inch line. Yeah, it is.

And then they don't score. They don't get a touchdown. Like, why isn't Winston, why don't they have a QB sneak there? Why even screw around? The Eagles are home for the Cardinals. Wait, you didn't say Giants. I said Giants by four and a half. I put that in the Vegas zone.

I got it. I said three and a half, and it is three and a half. And I think this is it. I think McAdoo is McAdone. I'm going against you here. I think the Chargers win. Tate liked that one. McAdoo is minus 200.

He's McAdone. Minus 200. First coach fired. Pagano plus 220. Hugh Jackson 10-1. This is an amazing game because you have two teams that just continually figure out how to screw up in the fourth quarter and pull defeat out of the hands of victory. And now, maybe they

tie. Can we bet the draw like a boxer? Can we bet a tie? We should bet a draw. But you like this game so much better than some of the other two and two teams playing each other right like you would watch this more than the chargers made me feel bad about myself when i watched them they do they're just phil rivers yesterday there was one point they're gonna go for it on fourth and two or something for the 40 and they some of them got screwed up and he comes play didn't come in and he threw a tantrum like that my son throws when they're like the hdmi cable doesn't work on his xbox it's like watching a nine-year-old the guy's got phil river says

eight kids he acts like a kid eagles hosting arizona carson wentz a lot of pressure on him now he was one of our captains of the week. I had the Eagles by seven. They're dying for us to put them in a tease. They're begging us. You were closer. I had five. It's six and a half. And they don't need to beg you.

You love the Eagles. You hate the Cardinals. No, I don't love the Eagles. You hate the Cardinals. I will not put Doug Peterson in a tease. Oh, I think. I will not. See, Lombardi is brainwashed.

I don't trust Doug Peterson. Maybe the Eagles are good. I think that team's poorly coached. They should have won that game yesterday by 15 points. Right. I think the I will not. See, Lombardi is brainwashed. I don't trust Dave Peterson. Maybe the Eagles are good. I think that team's poorly coached. They should have won that game yesterday by 15 points. Right. I think the Cardinals are bad. Yeah. They're just a bad football team.

I can't even believe they won that game yesterday. I mean, their best player's gone. It's tough. Yeah. You lose your best do-it-all running back guy who your whole team's built around. It's going to be a problem. And your quarterback's too old. Last game for the barely watchables. Pittsburgh

at home against Jacksonville who bordled Cousins Al this week. You got bordled by them. Let's hand it to the Jags defense. You have one play you have to guard against all game. It's the off-tackle right, and it's Bill Powell.

Just make sure he's tackled when he's tackled. He got up and run 75 yards. That was a killer. So I had Steelers 7.5. You get this. I had 7. It's up to 9. I'm not teasing them.

I don't trust the Steelers. Yeah, 9. You have to be a little creative with that. Two watchables. These are pretty watchable. Pretty watchable These combos Detroit is hosting The rejuvenated Panthers

Of Carolina I have Detroit by four It might be low Let me find this I know Yeah it's high I said three It's exactly three

People don't believe In the Lions I think they like The Panthers too Tate how do you feel About that For whatever reason The Panthers have been Better on the road This year So But I don't believe in the Lions. I think they like the Panthers, too. Tate, how do you feel about that? For whatever reason, the Panthers have been better on the road this year.

But I don't know. They're not a dome team. I like Stafford. I feel like the Lions will get a win. I think the Panthers, thanks to the New England Patriots' putrid defense, threw everyone off the scent a little bit this week. I don't think they're nearly as potent as they looked in that game. I'm going opposite here. Take 3-1 to win the division.

Panthers. You've liked Carolina from the get-go. I do. I thought they were a 10-win team. We said, as long as Keekly's playing, we like them. The moment he goes out, it's like a Sean Lee situation. Do you like Atlanta that much more than Carolina? Carolina's 3-1. I think Atlanta's

starting to look like the season from hell for them. Matty says, what, seven picks now? And four of them were deflected or tipped, and it just seems like one of those seasons. Vic Beasley got hurt already. The other watchable game, the LA Rams. I'm going to say it, Sal. This is the biggest football game in Los Angeles for a professional.

I'm going to say since like 1991. You're going to beat me on this, I think. I have the Seahawks favored by 2-9. Oh, okay. You're going to love this. I had Seahawks by 3. It's Rams by 2-9. Whoa, Rams!

Oh, what a day. The millennial Sean McVay continues. You should go to this game. You need to go to this game. I'm genuinely into the Rams. Go to the game. If my son wore a Rams jersey, I McVay. You should go to this game. You need to go to this game. I'm genuinely into the Rams. Go to the game. If my son wore a Rams jersey, I wouldn't be upset. Wow.

I like the Rams. I like Gurley. I like Sammy Watkins. He's on my fantasy team. I enjoy Jared Goff. I like the Millennial, Sean McVay. It's not making sense to me, though. It's a fun team.

I thought their defense would be a lot better. I thought the whole Wayne Phillips thing. You do? Yeah. I think as Phillips lays in, I got to say I love the Rams. I know. You don't have to say that. No, I mean in this game. Oh, I see. I love the Rams. I think if it's less

than three, take the Rams. I think they're better. The Seahawks will get to where they need to go. It's just not going to happen yet. Could they win the division if they're two back? I think the Rams can win the division. The Rams will win it. Okay. Listen, this happens every single year. There's a team that we have, we just can't believe it,

that they're going to finish 11-5 or 12-4. It just always happens. Who was it? The Lions last year? Yeah, it was the Lions. But they won that. They were only in the wild card team. No, I think the division's like...

But it was the Raiders last year. Yeah, Raiders. Remember? People were like, no, the Raiders can't. No, but people were like, oh, the Raiders aren't going to make the playoffs. They're the Raiders. And then all of a sudden they were like 8-1.

Even the Falcons last year, after the Panthers got that Super Bowl. I guess so. Panthers were 15-1 two years ago. Listen, you look at the Rams, and they've had a million first-round picks. Now, they screwed up a lot of them, but at some point, you know,

you're going to start adding good players. Oh. Sunday night, right? We got to talk about Gillette. Oh, okay. First of all, I'd like to apologize to some point you know you're gonna start adding good players oh sunday night right we gotta talk about gillette oh okay first of all i'd like to apologize to patriots nation because ever since i started doing these uh gillette ads we've completely lost our home field advantage so i blame myself i don't think it's gillette's fault but uh the tip of a gillette razor blade measured on an atomic scale their blade edge edges are thinner than a single brain cell. It's the work of many brain cells.

Hundreds of members of Gillette's research and development team that have spent over 4,700 years combined working to make your shave closer and more comfortable. I wish they had spent more time on our defense. They had nothing to do with it. In the Pat's front seven. They couldn't help. A thousand craftsmen and women in Boston

busy making our blades and another team putting our blades through more than 60 extremely strict and precise quality checks. Fail one of those tests and it doesn't leave the factory. I wish the Patriots defense, I wish they didn't leave the factory. I wish they kept working on it. The hardworking people at Gillette never stop working to make your blades better. That includes the price tag.

You can get Gillette blades at their lowest prices in years. See for yourself at GilletteOnDemand.com. Sal, is Gillette the best a man can get? It's absolutely the best a man can get. That's how I feel, too. Pricing applies to select products and has the sole discretion of the retailer. All right. I don't even know if a woman

could do better than Gillette. No. No. My wife will shave her better than Gillette. No. No. My wife will. She'll shave her legs with Gillette. She doesn't care. See, he means it. She'll grab my leg.

She'll grab. This is actually what. Does your wife do this? Grab your razor by accident? Yeah, but then they kind of mess it up. Of course they do. It's terrible. It's the worst.

Sunday night is a great game. I'm genuinely looking forward to this game. Houston hosting the Kansas City Chiefs. I have the Chiefs favored by two and a half. I'm proud of myself for getting this right. It's one and a half right now. So if they blow out Washington tonight, I think that line moves to three. Yeah.

You know what's funny? We always talk about the short week and everything. I think like RJ Bell, someone listed the stat. Like, I don't know, Monday, you play Monday, then you have to go on the road. I think like the team playing on the short week is 572 and 571 against the spread it's factored into the line can i make one prediction for this game i'm gonna parlay it with the texans chris collinsworth deshaun watson will make some play in the second quarter. He'll be like, oh, this guy is not a rookie.

You can't tell me this guy is a rookie. He is not a rookie. He'll do that whole thing. I'm excited for it. I like Deshaun Watson. Monday night, the Bears of Chicago are hosting the Minnesota Vikings. Now, I'm changing my guess for this because since I've made these picks, Dalvin Cook is now out for the year.

What'd you think? I had Vikings by two and a half. I'm going to cut a half point. I'm going to say Vikings by two in Chicago. You just screwed yourself. I did? Yeah. Vikings, I said by three and a half, it's three.

Really? We would have split that one. Let me see if it matters. Didn't matter. I beat you up this week. You beat me this week? Yeah. Let me see if it matters. Didn't matter. I beat you up this week. You beat me this week? Yeah, like nine, six or something. Jesus.

Yeah. Who is the Vikings starting running back this week? What is it? McKinnon? What are they doing? Like, it's both, it's McKinnon and, why can't I think of this? Tate, who's the Vikings? Well, it's Murray, right?

Latavius? Oh, yeah, Latavius. Yeah. But McKinnon will probably play Murray. We still don't have a sponsor for Parent Corner. But it has become America's favorite segment. If anyone wants to sponsor Parent Corner, just make us an offer. We'll do week-to-week sponsors.

America loves it. They do. Do you want to go first? I guess. It seems petty right now. It seems like champagne problems. But my four-year-old has this iPad. It seems petty right now. It seems like champagne problems. But, you know, my four-year-old has this iPad. It's been handed down.

I know, it's already gross. Hand-me-down iPad. Yeah, so he gets mad at this one baseball game. He doesn't realize. He's not a smart kid. He doesn't realize when he's at bat or when he's pitching in this baseball app. So when he's pitching and his opponent swings and misses, he freaks out because he thinks he's swinging and missing. So he throws the iPad as a tantrum. It's everything

I deserve. It's Phil Rivers-esque. It really is. So now this thing is splintered and these things, the glass, it breaks. So we've replaced this twice and it's not cheap to replace the glass on an iPad. It's like 140 bucks if they do it right a lot of times they don't you have to take it back now it's kind of a racket by the way yeah there's like some it's always like shady guy at a mall who's like yeah 130 dollars cash yeah it's a new termite tenting yeah for kids that's it like yeah you have termites that's it um but anyway so this is splintered up and now it's got—I need advice in this week's Parent Corner. How bad does it have to get before I now replace it? Because again, now it's broken and splintered.

We have, like, Band-Aids on the iPad. It's crazy. And one day, we thought he had ketchup on his fingers. He thought he had ketchup on his fingers. I was like, well, let's wipe his hands after. He's like, no, that's blood. He's bleeding because he's swiping on a splinted up iPad. So I need help as to when we need to replace this. My advice would have been you don't get to use the iPad if you're going to throw it.

Yeah, we tried that a little bit. It's such a great babysitter. You can't totally do away with it. That's pretty good. All right. Send us advice at themailbagattheringer.com. Or Band-Aids. Yeah.

More Band-Aids. Less advice. Parent Corner for me this week. Saturday night, we go out to dinner, come back, we're going to rent a movie as a fam, watch a movie. My kids love horror movies. So Leatherface was available on DirecTV. Nice. so Leatherface was available on DirecTV which is the prequel of Texas Chainsaw Massacre

but the modern version of the prequel so I'm like oh Leatherface Ben my son is all fired up for Leatherface because he loves horror movies and it's rated R it's a solid R solid R so I'm about to go on the internet

to see, like to make sure there's not sex in it or like it's not bad. Ben, my liar son, who's the last we covered last week. He's just a flat out liar. Just will lie right to your face. Ben goes, no, I went on the website. It's fine. There's no sex in it.

Awesome. I checked. And normally I could tell when he's lying but he really didn't seem like he was lying so i'm like all right cool i'm excited for this movie i'm glad we can all watch it as a family it starts out with uh somebody gets hammered in the side their whole head explodes right it's bad side there but it goes like about a half hour in and there's a sex scene where that all the inmates are escaping this asylum and this girl gets excited with her crazy lover that she's with and goes down on him oh no in the thing so we're like covering their eyes where and my wife's like this is crazy we

gotta stop watching stuff no no it's fine it's fine. It was one second. It's not sex. 10 minutes later, there's like, these two people just start going at it. All of a sudden, it's like, I mean, it's like kind of graphic writing. Cover your eyes! We're doing that whole thing. I can't find the pause button because we had let the thing. And it's like, there's like doggy style. Oh, no.

Ben's pretending he's covering eyes but he's not and we were just so mad my wife's mad at me i'm mad at ben right my daughter's like why do you trust him he lies that's what he does like he's just a liar my son's a liar i love it were you watching with the teacher from two weeks ago i would have been better. Yeah, yeah. I was waiting for Nick to be in the sex scene. The PE teacher would have been the only way it would have been better. Yeah, so the moral of the story is don't watch Leatherface with your kids anyway,

but definitely don't watch it if you think there's not going to be sex in it, because there is. Right. And my son's a liar. He's a flat-out liar. He's a flat out liar. He lies. I love it. Well, I have a broken iPad for him if you want. Maybe that'll even things out.

Any of these games jumping out at you for this week potentially? No. Not a lot of them. I don't know. I do think Green Bay's going to score on Dallas, though. I do. It feels like an underdog week. Yeah.

It's my early takeaway. I did have this. 35-25-1 underdogs. So that's like nine and six every week. Might as well just... We know that... In your pool, just circle all the underdogs. We've said for 10 years, I think, on this podcast,

if you just take the home favorites every week and just automatic, you'll be above 500 every year. Home favorites? I'm sorry, the home underdogs. Underdogs, yeah. Home underdogs, it's always that it ends up being like they go 30 and 21 or 32 and 23. You're always going to be like eight, nine games over 500.

What do you have to plug this weekend? Oh, we have against all odds. Like I said, the degenerate trifecta is pretty hot. Harry plus 180. Brother Brian had a 17 parlay that cashed. Listen for that Wednesday night. And OJ Simpson will be our guest. Oh, no, no.

We're not going to do that now. Jimmy Kimmel Live, Anthony Anderson. Alex Rodriguez, one of your favorites. And music from Savage tonight. And that's that. I I have a couple things to plug House and I are going to do NBA Over-Unders Which we do every year on this podcast And then I'm doing the MLB show

That we have, the Ringer MLB show On Wednesday morning after the Yankee wildcard game Jacko and I are going to have a special edition Either a post-mortem for the Yankee season. What's the line on that? Yankees minus 240. That's hefty for one game. And by the way, all their fans are already trying to figure out the Indians matchup.

It has all the makings. Always works. And by the way, Irvin Santana is a good pitcher. I would not be like, oh, we're going to roll over Irvin Santana. That guy will keep them in the game. And there's good guys in the Twins. And I would be a little more nervous if I was an Yankee fan so either way, Jacko and I are going to be on the Ringer MLB show

and then Mallory Rubin and I are going to talk about playoff odds for that don't forget about my column on the Ringer on Fridays something NFL related thanks to Bluehost, whether you're a blogger or a small business owner Bluehost does everything you need to build, host

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at gillette they're always working hard to make your shave better now you can get gillette blades for less at gilletteondemand.com thanks to captain morgan our. Don't forget to be the captain out there. Thanks to SeatGeek. Don't forget BSNFL, 20% off first-time football purchases. So can you tape tomorrow? We'll figure it out. So we're going to do the Eastern Conference. Which conference do you want on Against Elements?

No, why don't you guys do over-unders, and we'll do everything else, Rookie of the Year and props. That's what you want to do? Yeah. Don't make it like I'm screwing you now. What do you mean? So you want to do rookie? There's plenty.

You want to do conference? We can do divisions. We can do conferences. We can do Rookie of the Year. You guys do over-under wins. That's a good idea. Okay. So we'll go faster with the over-unders.

Great. Maybe jam that into one podcast. Yeah. And then do all the props. Yeah. The Rookie of the Year is like almost its own podcast. But you're not even allowed to touch that, right? Or you can't bet it. I'm allowed to discuss it.

I just can't. Yeah. Tate, this is the most exciting Rookie of the Year betting class I've ever seen. Yeah. For football, I'm not. It's unbelievable. Lonzo is almost, I think he's favored. Yeah, I think he's plus 250.

But he's like a pretty heavy favorite for Rookie of the Year, and I have some thoughts on that. All right. All right, so against all odds, Lacko and Anderson. Can I just say, this is what a loser I am. I got a text from an unidentified number. It says, we have information which will affect the outcome of Washington and Kansas City.

Don't touch this game until you hear what we have to say. Reply yes. We'll text it free. I'm on this dummy list for 30 years. Oh my God. And now I'm getting texts from people who are threatening me for considering the game. Our cousin was on Cribber Enthusiasm last time.

Great, right? Yeah, it was good. The funny thing is he is a foister. He's a legendary foister. I was dying because I was like, did someone in Jimmy's life suggest this plot line? Yeah. Or did Larry David independently just supernaturally know Jimmy was the perfect guy for this? I think HBO said that he foisted you on that.

And that's how this whole thing started. There's no way to prove that right uh yeah no it's you know if jimmy's recommended somebody i was like i love it the foister himself uh no it was a great episode and uh great to have that show back good time that show's been gone for so long that they were showing the last season yeah and uh i had totally forgotten like michael j fox like that whole season finale it was like it felt like it was 70 years ago right great to have that back cuz good job by you good job by you i'll be back uh later in the week at the bs pod I don't have Fearless within

On the wayside I'm a bruised soul I never said I don't have