The Bill Simmons Podcast - Guess the Lines Week 9 With Cousin Sal (Ep. 280)

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons is joined by Cousin Sal to discuss the never-ending Game 5 of the World Series (5:00), the Texans-Seahawks showdown (15:00), the Pats' trade potential (21:00), the Zombie Browns (30:00), Chiefs-Cowboys (34:00), Rams-Giants (38:30), Broncos-Eagles (43:00), Kirk Cousins's trade value (49:00), DeAndre Hopkins's stake as the best receiver in football (56:00), and another edition of "Parent Corner" (1:01:00). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today's episode of the Bill Simmons Podcast on the Ringer Podcast Network, brought to you by SeatGeek, our presenting sponsor. Buy and sell tickets in two taps on your phone, everything guaranteed. NBA fans, $30 off your first SeatGeek purchase on NBA tickets. Use promo code NBAPLUSA. It expires on November 1st. That's Wednesday. Download the SeatGeek app or go right to SeatGeek.com.

We're also brought to you by the Ringer NFL Show, which has been fantastic. Tate and Lombardi. Tate, what'd you do on Saturday? 4-1 again? Yeah, 4-1. Lombardi, they do these 15-minute previews on Saturdays, and every time Lombardi goes 80%.

Against the spread. They have the number in mind? He doesn't do the gambling part, but he Bermans it. Yeah, burmans it yeah and he's just like yeah this is a bad matchup these guys are banged up i like this i don't like the way that and he just lays it out nice so lombardi and tater sunday i'm sorry saturday uh wednesday and sunday night? And what is it? Sunday night. Sunday night. Wednesday. Saturday morning. Wednesday.

You have something to do with this network, right? Yeah, I do. I can't remember. I can't remember what I did five minutes ago. Ringer NFL show. And then Against All Odds, your podcast. Yeah. How did the trifecta do this week?

I went with Harry's pick, and he had Wake Forest over Louisville. Oh. Upset. Nice. And big winner. Easy, right? Excellent. Yeah Wake Forest over Louisville. Oh. Upset. Nice. Big winner. Easy, right? Excellent. Yeah.

So looking good. Okay. Don't forget about theringer.com. That's where you can find my column every Friday. I actually did pretty well on the picks this week. You did not do as well on your Friday videos. I'll tell you. Well, do you want to?

Yeah. Do you want to do an intro? Let's bring in Progen. Then we'll talk about it. Do it. we have to do an intro let's bring in Progen then we'll talk about it here we go day before Halloween great conundrum right now

for the LA.A. parents who might have tickets for this Dodger game. Oh, yeah. Do you do Halloween with your kids, or do you go to the do-or-die game six? Do you go to the, or even what? Yeah, it's tough, because you're going to miss. It starts at 5.20 out here.

If you have a kid under nine, and you don't spend Halloween with the kid, it's the biggest affront you can do other than not be there on Christmas Day. That's bad. I would say. Those are the two days you have to be with your kids. I'm with you. I don't know what you do. I think you have to watch a game.

I think you have to watch a game. The kids will understand. Go to the game. We're starting with baseball for the first time. I can't even remember the last time we started with baseball on the Monday pod. Well, the game ended like 40 seconds ago, so it's fresh in our minds. Do you think they should have had a rule that they do in slow pitch softball where you can only have four home runs in the game? You have to choose when you have the four?

You bat around. You have to sit after that. Oh, you've hit your fifth homer. That's not eligible. It's only a double. It was getting better. Look, I know everyone loved it and everything, but I thought game two was one of the best World Series games

I've ever seen. Yeah. Like 1-1 going into the ninth, and then the bombs were unleashed. Perfect game in play for like five innings. Oh, yeah. Right. And this was like, it's good because it was close. I mean, if it was 17-11, you'd be like, oh, this is garbage.

Let's get rid of it. Like, both these teams didn't get here because no one could get a freaking out, you know? So, I don't know. I don't love that part of it. Remember who the Phillies played in 93? The Blue Jays. The Blue Jays, yeah. There was a crazy Philly Blue Jays game that year that was a little like this, right?

Wasn't it like 16- 13, something like that? And it just felt silly after a while. This one felt silly, but at the same time, I was completely captivated. It was close, yeah. No one was out of it. You rarely see the World Series game where the team's home. They're up three in the ninth with nobody out. And you just feel like, oh, I don't know.

I don't know if they're going to get these three outs. It felt like the three runs were more realistic than the three outs. The Dodgers were plus 185 to score one run in the ninth. It's like, that's a given. How are they not going to do that? Of course, I didn't take it. But yeah, that's interesting. They do these win, I was was saying on Twitter these win expectancy things

because we had to create a stat to describe that a game was exciting right it's one of my pet peeves it's a cute stat it's like

I know the game's exciting I don't need advanced metrics to tell me that this was an amazing game yeah but I

listen I think you have to manage in the playoffs differently than you manage in the regular season. Well, I think they do. Roberts is managing some of the stuff he's doing. I don't know. I know Kershaw didn't pitch well yesterday. I know he had like four swinging misses and all that stuff,

but he had 94 pitches. I just wouldn't have taken him out. I just want to ride or die with Kershaw, at least for five innings. Let him get through that one more out. Yeah. He's not only the best pitcher on my team, he's one of the best five pitchers of the last 35 years. Kind of want to have him work it out.

I didn't like that. I did not like the Rich Hill in game two. I thought that was just weird. I thought he got hurt when I was at game two. Why are they taking him out? Try to get – I don't understand it. I think that was just weird. I thought he got hurt when I was at game two. Why are they taking him out? Try to get... I don't understand it. I think this stuff's

too cute sometimes. And he's... You know, now the Dodgers are in this position where the... What reliever do you trust at this point?

They have Kenley who is the most lights-out closer, you know, probably in either league. And now it feels like he can get hit. And for the Astros, Giles is just using up

a roster spot, like what inning do you have to get to to pitch that guy? He almost had to go backwards I trust Davinsky maybe like 20% Peacock definitely He was solid. Who do you trust in the Dodgers? I don't know, I mean, Mauro's out of there

Sangrani possibly Rude Mauro You have all these advanced metrics, I mean, Mauro's out of there. Sangrani possibly. Rude Mauro. That's what's weird about it. You have all these advanced metrics. You bring in Mauro three games in a row? And it's like,

this is what happens. You check them off one by one. Now everyone's been exposed. They're all damaged goods, all these pitchers. So it's a crapshoot game six unless Verlander

throws like Verlander. And what is the line on that game anyway? We were talking, God, how many times did we talk about betting in this series and ended up never betting it? We didn't game anyway? We were talking, God, how many times did we talk about betting this series and ended up never betting it?

We didn't do it, yeah. We were talking about a sweep before game two. Minus 112, Verlander is. Yeah, and then we won the Dodgers last night, and I said, just for the series, you said, what could we put it with? I said, maybe Golden State just to beat Detroit, just to shave off a few dollars. You're like, I don't know.

I don't trust Golden State. I'm like, oh, come on. They're an 18-point favorite. They're going to win. Basketball's a mess. I do not trust the Warriors in any game. I think you're right to not trust them. That was ridiculous. Really, there's no team to trust in the NBA.

Cleveland is a fucking dumpster fire. The Cleveland thing, it's not like, oh, they're so start, they got to get into it. It's like they're really bad defensively. And anybody can put up 115 points in them. And they have all these guys on the team that you just think about. You go through each guy and you're like,

is this the right situation for this guy? And it's like, Derrick Rose, no. Dwayne Wade, no. Tristan Thompson, no Derrick Rose, no. Dwayne Wade, no. Tristan Thompson, no. Kevin Love, no. You just go through and Jake Crowder, definitely not.

It used to be a big deal when a 16-point favorite would lose, right? It happened like twice a year. Twice, you know. Now it's probably four times in the last week and a half. The middle class

in the NBA is better, which I think is throwing it off. I don't think, it's not, everyone's like, oh, the league's so top-heavy. It's not as top-heavy. There's these weird teams now like Orlando and Charlotte and Detroit, all these teams that are in the middle of the pack,

and they could beat anybody in any given game. But with the baseball, though, Verlander, he at least has it in him to just be amazing in game six and just just basically say get on my back I got this

I could see him doing that I have a few dollars on Altuve and Turner who's not going to win MVP but who is who's the MVP now? Is it Springer? Altuve?

How do you even pick? Springer's been Springer's been kind of everyone knew Altuve was good but Springer and I don't know, it's like 14 candidates. How do you even pick? Springer's been kind of, everyone knew Altuve was good, but Springer, unless you're an American League person, you wouldn't totally know he was great. Because he's not just good with the bat, but defensively he's been awesome too. Yeah, he's an all-star though, right?

Yeah. No, but I mean, I don't think people think, when they're talking about the best players in baseball, you don't hear his name. But can Verlander win MVP ifp if he wins if he lights out like he didn't uh i guess he had a good game i'm trying to think when they took him out they took him out hitter it's gotta be a hitter there's too many runs yeah correa i don't know who has the best all these stats on the astros in the world series well i think it's out to being correa but

everybody the springer's been pretty amazing. I'm not going to give it to the racist first baseman. Yeah, that was tough. That was tough. Tough suspension. How about just suspend him for game four? Yeah. Imagine if the NBA had done that with Draymond

Green. Then the 2016 finals. We will suspend you next year. The suspension to be named later. Yeah. Ridiculous. We don't want to deal with it now. We'll come back

when no one remembers it. How about this? You do like the most obvious, terrible Asian racial slur in the dugout when cameras are on you,

you should get suspended for a game. Right. That's it. And he played in Japan, right? So it wasn't, his thing is it wasn't the most obvious, terrible, racist slur you could do. It's a messed up world we live in.

I don't know. I'm not usually an overreactive, outrage culture guy, but it's like, they should just spend it for a game. Yeah. One game with a... They're fine. They have 24 other players. They'll be fine.

What about football? what are we doing with the World Series I don't know it's a stay away now I think okay but we're not gonna trick or treat

we're gonna watch do you wanna know what my kids are going for for Halloween or should I save it for parents you can save it whatever

I don't know nah I'll save it for parents okay week 8 is almost in the books you and I have a tease tonight the second half Okay. Okay. Week eight is almost in the books. You and I have a tease tonight.

The second half of a tease. We teased Pittsburgh. We got the three and a half. Against Detroit. Snuck that one out. I didn't feel great about it. Yeah. Detroit was inside the eight yard line twice. It got zero points somehow.

And Pittsburgh won by five. It also got a 97 yard touchdown. And then today we have KC. We did a 6.9 point tease down to 1. And around 4 o'clock today, I'm going to text you and say, let's hedge. Let's take Denver in the points. And you're going to say no.

Just text me now. I'll say no. I'll tell you no. We didn't do this on Thursday night. We didn't hedge. KC's banged up on D. Must win game for Denver. I think we should hedge. But for both night. We didn't hedge. KC's banged up on D. Must win game for Denver. I think we should hedge. But for both.

I think we should hedge. The Chiefs are not going to want to drop three in a row. The Chiefs are fine. Okay. They're going to win this. And I'll tell you what. If the Chiefs win this, the AFC is finally making sense to me. You got New England.

You have Pittsburgh. You have Kansas City. Maybe a couple of feisty wild card teams buffalo somehow uh will be in there but uh the nfc makes sense if you look at denver's schedule they have to win this it gets bad they go to philly after this right they go three to three and five going to philly you can almost cross them off at kc at philly they would be three and five then they play the pats the next week. And that's off your bye, right? Yes.

They're also at Oakland, at Miami, and at Washington. And they have a home game against KC. And I think 10-6 has to get the wild card spots. There's no 9-7 wild card team in the AFC. The NFC might have one, but not the AFC. You read through those. I feel like they have eight losses there at Denver. I think this is a must-win game, which

is why I think we should hedge. Alright, well, I don't think so. I think we should hedge. Let's hedge. We never screw this up. Let's take, you're the tiebreaker. Do we hedge? I don't like Denver. No. I say don't hedge. Can I throw something else in here? I don't know if this will sway you. Bovada has a prop every week. So like

last week, eight teams didn't score an offensive touchdown. So this week they made a prop. Three week, eight teams didn't score an offensive touchdown. So this week they made a prop. Three and a half teams will not score an offensive touchdown. Do you go over or under? Without even thinking about it. I'll go under. I went under, right? Thursday night, boom.

Thank you, Dolphins. Right off the bat. Zero. You would. There's one. Tampa Bay at home. I predicted it. I said to Tate, I'm like, that's going to be a screwy game.

Watch one of these teams throw a goose egg up. Tampa's one. Tampa Bay at home. I predicted it. I said to Tate, I'm like, that's going to be a screwy game. Watch one of these teams throw a goose egg up. Tampa's two. San Francisco? The Niners. Wait, was it the Niners? No, the Niners snuck a touchdown in. The Bears snuck a touchdown in. Wait, who was the third?

Oh, third was last night. The Lions. Twice inside. They never scored a touchdown? Didn't score a touchdown. Twice inside. So now I need Denver, Kansas City too, but I need a touchdown? Didn't score a touchdown. Twice inside the... So now I need Denver, Kansas City too,

but I need one of... both of these teams to score a touchdown. They had 15 points. There was five field goals? All field goals. Oh, wow. Somehow watched that game

and didn't totally realize it. I was toggling. Yeah. He threw it at the end zone 75 times. He didn't get there. So I need... I need these teams to score. Bluehost,

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And now, our listeners save 50% when you sign up at bluehost.com slash Bill Simmons. Bluehost.com slash Bill Simmons. I just remembered, I'm really excited for my parent corner. You are? You raised the bar on parent corner last week. Yeah, it was stupid. For people who don't listen to this entire podcast, who do parent corner at the end of the podcast,

and everybody who makes it to that part, it's their favorite part. Really? And was there blowback for parent corner for you this week? No, no. Your wife doesn't know. No, in fact, it was a little disappointing to see how few people listen to me.

No, I don't think that's what it is. I think people are just so conditioned now to every kind of potential story that it just bounces off people. It's fine. Okay, good. Yeah, good. I mean, that story, even though I was like, oh my God, I can't believe it. That's like Thursday for Howard Stern. Right, it's true. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. even though I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. That's like Thursday for Howard Stern. Right.

It's true. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Well. I loved it. Game of the year yesterday. Seattle-Houston. You know, I was wrong about.

Was there a better game this year? I was wrong about almost everything. But last week when you picked the best game, you went Washington-Dallas. You did. You did. I said, watch out for Houston-Seattle. Great call. No way I thought it would be like that but that was phenomenal

I wrote on Friday I wrote about 10 ways to make the NFL a little more fun and one of the things was how for some reason we don't argue about football anymore we just kind of bitch about it or we try to figure out we're always like what the hell is going on or this is good out, the owners.

This week you have Ward and Bob McNair to compare players to inmates. We don't argue about this stuff enough. And one of the arguments I had in there was, you know, Watson, Wentz, and Dak. Pretty nice. This is a nice rookie class. And who do you like? And I think you would have said Wentz going into this weekend, but I thought Watson was magical yesterday.

Yeah. Really was. We hear about the if factor every once in a while, and he definitely has it. He just was not afraid. I think the Seahawks, the Sherman quotes in Peter King's piece today, but just raving about him, I think it's really, I don't think Wentz would generate that from the Seattle defense.

Went a little overboard. He still threw three interceptions for him to say that was the best performance anyone's put up against us. Who said that? Sherman. Sherman said that. But phenomenal. And like you said, Prescott... Well, he had two interceptions. But Prescott, obviously,

second-year player. Is Watson... He's the most... Is Watson... He's the most exciting player since who? Like, who would you say? I mean, Rogers doesn't get credit for being exciting, but I think Rogers...

Oh, all the way back then. Wow. No, what? Well, would you say... I mean, I was going to say Y.A. Tittle. No, I was going to say... You don't say RG3

or Russell Hustle and Bustle RG3 was never that exciting He was fun But he wasn't like this guy Alright I'll buy it I'm with you I love it The thing with this guy

Is he can throw it deep Yeah He's accurate But then he also has The escapability So it's almost like He's got all different pieces Of all quarterbacks

That I love I think he's More talented than Wilson is. And I think Wilson's amazing. Which is why on third and three, this is all on you, Coach O'Brien. He's terrible. He's a terrible coach. He's got to be pass option.

He's awful. Third and three. Not Lamar Miller up in the middle. How about this? He watched these guys in July and August and started Tom Savage. What the hell is that? Yeah. People have made that point, but it's like, seriously, let's look at this.

This guy's like a prodigy. Exactly. And he came out of college. Everybody knew he was getting college. I'm amazed by this. I know nothing about college football. I barely follow it. I watched one Watson game.

I was like, is he the number one pick? He's the number one pick. No, no, he's actually, well, they don't know. Savage. All the players wanted to beat Watson, but Savage couldn't pitch the 13th inning for the Astros right now. Houston's embarrassing.

They're 3-4. Here's who they've played. Home for Jacksonville, at Cincinnati, at New England, home for Tennessee, home for KC, home for Cleveland, at Seattle. 3-4 is like the worst case scenario for those first seven games. Steal one of them. They didn't steal anything. How disappointing is it going to be if they don't win that division? So here's who they have left.

Home for Indy, so now they're 4-4. At the Rams. Good game. That's a game of the week. So let's give them a loss for that. So they're 4-5. Home for Zona. At Baltimore? Let's give them a win. They should beat Baltimore.

6-5. At Tennessee, home for San Francisco. At Jacksonville, I think they go two and one. So now they're at six losses. Home for Pittsburgh, week 16. At Indy. So they're going to be 10 and six or nine and seven. I think they're eight and seven going into that last game. I don't know.

So you're crossing them off? No, no, no. I think all those teams will be around that. Well, then you look at Jacksonville, 4-3. Who knows with this Jacksonville team? You can't pick wins. Home for Cincy and the Chargers. At Cleveland and Arizona.

At both of those? Home for Indy. Home for Seattle and Houston. At San Francisco. At Tennessee. So they play. It seems weaker. They play four of the five worst teams in the league.

Right. Down the stretch. And they're already four and three. Did you say they have Sanford and Indy and Cleveland still left? Yeah. Wow. And Arizona. How did they manage that?

Because they had the worst schedule last year. So if they beat four of the worst five teams in the league, they're 8-3 and they just have to win two more games. Meanwhile, they could lose to the Bengals this week. See, I think we should flip this around. What's rude for Jacksonville to make the... Oh, really? Yeah,

we would get to bet against them. Oh, that's true. It'd be a three-seater or a four-seater, right? They have a home game. People will be like, oh, I don't know. Bortles just has to manage the game. Well, you should root for Jacksonville. Why? Because if Texans make the playoffs, yes, it's more interesting. But they're obviously a threat to your Patriots.

I mean, they played you tough already. Who? The Texans. You don't want the Texans to win that division. You'd much rather have the Jaguars come to Foxborough. You act like my team's going to win the Super Bowl. You're getting a bye. Have you seen my team? You're getting a bye. You'd much rather have the Jaguars come to Foxborough. You act like my team's going to win the Super Bowl. You're getting a bye. Have you seen my team? You're getting a bye. You know you are.

Melvin Gordon, who wasn't even going to play because he had seven injuries. He ran for an 87-yard touchdown. Right, I know. We stink. Our team stinks. You're right where you need to be, I think. This is the worst good team we've had since 0-9. You're going to make some stupid trade.

You're going to get T.Y. Hilton. You're going to have 75 receivers running around. You're going to be fine. So the guy I want, and this would fit into the Belichick profile, can you guess? Vladimir Putin. Tate? Sue. Oh, Sue. I didn't even think of Sue.

Same thing. That's who I want. Jarvis Landry. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Possession receiver. Belichick's always liked him. He loves Landry. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Possession receiver. Belichick's always liked him.

He loves nothing more than stealing dudes from our division. Yeah. The problem with this team is they don't have Edelman. I knew Edelman was, this was a disaster, and I had no idea it was going to be this bad. They're just not the same team on short yardage, red zone, third down, all that stuff. Brady's had two years in 15 years where he's never had the one slack guy that he totally trusts.

He just doesn't have him. And it can't be Burkhead as it's coming out of the back. No, but Burkhead was good. I picked him up in fantasy a week ago and I feel good about it because I think he's going to be the guy eventually. Yeah, he's good. Meanwhile, so what?

He's like a rich man's Christian McCaffrey. You've given up seven to the Falcons and 13 to the Raiders, the Chargers. What do you care? That's all that matters. Defense is coming together. Six and two. I don't know how he did it.

I really don't. I don't know how he did it. I think that's about right. Because you could have beaten the Chiefs. There's some good over-unders. You could have beaten the Panthers. It's close. Some good over-unders.

Go ahead. New England had 12 and a half wins some good over-unders. The Panthers. It's close. Some good over-unders. Go ahead. New England had 12 and a half wins was the over-under. They're 6-2. Did they get there? Listen to you. Three more wins. You just gave up on the team a minute ago. Three more wins.

I'm going to say they don't get there. You're going to get 13. Three more wins. I mean, I have three more losses. Oh, I see. I don't think they get there. Or two more losses. We'll see.

They have the bye. Like I said. At Denver, at Oakland, Miami, at Buffalo, at Miami. Yeah, it's... At Pittsburgh, home for Buffalo. Home for the Jets. They split with the Bills, I think. But you have Miami twice.

You can't lose those games. And the Jets. Is Miami terrible? They have four wins. Are we crossing them off? I don't know. They got shut up by the ravens thursday it was awful buffalo's over under was six and a half 35 oh don't i know it 35 and

three uh cleveland's over under was four and a half oh that's a win yeah what every year we could do that and we just were, oh no, maybe Cleveland. We're so stupid. Let me ask you this. That's the lock of the year every year. We're stupid for many reasons. How about this? We still have a little life. As of last week, and I guess it went down a little, you could have the Niners or the Browns 10-1 to go winless.

I think it's a shot. Do you get either of them? No, I mean it's separate bets. Jacksonville's over-under was 6.5. They're 4-3. Oakland was 9.5. That's like a cross-off. I went over there too. They're 3-3. So bad. Eagles, 8.5. They're 7-1. They're not

3-3. But what's Oakland? What'd you say? 3-5. 3-5, sorry. The Eagles were 8.5. They're 7. Sorry. The Eagles were eight and a half. They're seven and one. That's like cross I went in. The Giants were eight and a half. One and six.

I was surprised by this. Minnesota was eight and a half. And I was more surprised that they're six and two. How the F is Minnesota six and two? Case Keenum. Is it? Latavius Murray. We haven't figured this out, but if Seattle doesn't get their shit together,

and I think they're starting to, you're looking at Minnesota-Philly NFC Championship. Not very sexy. Case Keenum is not making the NFC Championship. Stop it. Who's in there? If you look at Minnesota's schedule, the reckoning is coming. Yeah.

They have bye week next week. Then they go at Washington, home for the Rams, at Detroit on Thursday, Thanksgiving. Those are tough. That's a tough one. Those are tough.

At Atlanta, at Carolina, Cincinnati, at Green Bay on a Sunday night, home for Chicago. So they won't get the bye, but they'll win that division.

No, they'll lose four more times. Yeah. The Packers over under 10 and a half, they're four and three. Mm-hmm. C four more times. Yeah. The Packers over under 10 and a half. They're four and three. Mm-hmm. Cross off.

Sure. Right? Saints, eight and a half. They're five and two. Yeah, they pissed me off yesterday, but they're good. Tampa Bay might have been the worst over under of all of these. Eight and a half. They're two and five.

And then the Rams, one more win. They make their over under. Is that what it is? They're five and a half. They're five and two. Wow. the Rams, one more win, they make their over-under. Is that what it is? They're 5-1. They're 5-2. Wow. Good for them. Yeah.

All right. Good for them. Yeah, Tampa, I think that whoever hard knocks team the over-under, for some reason, this three-quarters of a win added to the total for no reason. Have you heard about Sonos One? Oh, tell me. I think I did. It blends great sound with Amazon Alexa for hands-free control of your music and more.

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Cannot be combined with other discounts or promotions. Just use the promo code simmons10 simmons10 at sonos.com to receive this exclusive offer see for yourself go to sonos.com to learn more that is sonos.com code simmons10 simmons10 not not 33 anymore simmons10 it should be all my code should be simmons33 yeah i'm gonna i'm going to have Strong words for Sonos Whatever they want the code to be But it should be 33 Week 8 favorites

11-1 straight up 7-5 against the spread We had 4 teams Win but not cover including your Saints That you backed and they didn't cover by a point The Pats No they did cover What was the

other one the uh the uh favorite that one that didn't the seahawks one but didn't cover right and then there was there was two other ones anyway you have to believe me but yeah so remember when we were in that underdog crisis atlanta one didn't cover. By a half point. Right. And there's one more. Cincinnati won, didn't cover. Yeah. So the favorites were 18 games under 500 two weeks ago. Every time this happens, we should look at each other and go, oh, that'll leave it out. That'll regress back to the mean.

No, we don't do that. But we got so beat up because Atlanta lost to Miami and Denver lost to the Giants. And we're like, that's it. That's it. No more Moneyline favorites. We have to take shitty teams. Can't do it anymore.

Buy weeks this week. Pats, Steelers, Chargers, Browns, Bears, Vikings. I don't like the 16 buys, but it's two weeks in a row for 16 buys. Two of the most fun teams in the AFC to watch. So needless to say, it's a shit show this week. You're talking about the Browns and the Chargers? The Browns. Can we dump on the Browns enough?

Is it possible? I mean, if Wentz and Watson go 1-2 or 1-3 or 2-3 in the MVP voting, and these are just two more guys that Browns passed on, including Dak Prescott last year. And your dude Prescott. They passed on him eight times. And they have Kaiser and Kessler. The funniest thing is they drafted quarterbacks both years with high picks.

When do you take this team away from them, the ownership? I had in my mailbag this week, somebody suggested calling them the zombie Browns. I love that. I think it's the right idea, and we should call them the zombie Browns. Zombies have a little too much life, I think. I think that's a little bit of an insult to the zombies. There's just as much defecation.

Yeah. The thing with Kaiser, though, he's not accurate. Right. That is a thing. I didn't see him in college, but I'm assuming in college, when he went back to pass, occasionally the ball just bounced to the receiver. I don't know. I have four-plus decades of football watching experience.

That's usually a bad sign for quarterbacks when they're not accurate. I'll say this a tiny bit in his defense. Watson is entering the league with no better situation for a quarterback. I think Fuller having that burner just outruns everybody. And Hopkins is tremendous with any quarterback. Fantastic. That's great. Lamar Miller's a nice back.

I would say, though, not a great offensive line, though. No, that's true. Dwayne Brown holding that has been great for him. No, right, right. But compared to what Kaiser's been offered, it's a nice deal. That said, how do you just keep passing on these legendary players? Well, so I didn't realize until I was working on the little riff I did about in the column, but the Wentz trade is defensible.

I don't agree with it, but you know, they got a huge haul for it and obviously they just didn't like them. And I understand that. Right. The Watson thing's indefensible because they'd already taken miles Garrett. They had the 12th pick and they could have just taken Watson. And instead they moved back 13 spots,

picked up Houston's first round or next year. It's like, just fucking take Watson. Yeah. And Lombardi, who was big on this last spring, and his biggest thing other than that he just liked Watson was that he thought he could change the culture. Sure.

When you have no culture when you're the zombie Browns and you have a guy like that, you'd be like, wow, we can maybe build around this guy. This is the kind of character we want to lead our team and take us to the promised land. Indefensible. Really crazy. Make a smart move just once, Browns.

Just do something. Here's another thing that's crazy. Who leads the world in fantasy football points right now? The whole world? The whole world. What NFL player leads the world in fantasy football points? I think it was like Wentz last week. Is it not Wentz anymore?

Is it Watson? Who do you think, Tate? Is it just Watson? Yeah, I'm going to say Watson. It's got to be Watson. It's still Wentz. 191 points. Talk me out of it.

Tom Brady and Deshaun Watson with 190. Right. Deshaun Watson did not start in week one and was available in our fantasy league for two weeks. Yeah. And got picked up

before week three. They have seven games. Eagles have played eight. And Watson didn't play the first. The next two are Wilson and Alex Smith who I think Wilson went for

like two bucks in our league. Right. Alex Smith I don't think got drafted. Right? No. Did Wentz I don't think, got drafted. Right? No. Did Wentz get drafted? Or did auction drafted?

I'm going to say Wentz didn't get picked either. Wentz did not get picked. No. So you have three of the five fantasy leaders. Yeah. We were at Happy Endings. What's it called now? For four hours.

What's that place called now? I can't remember. We were there for four hours. Probably renamed it this week. Everybody drafted. 18 players. We had an for four hours. Probably renamed it this week. Everybody drafted 18 players. We had an auction. Every player in the league was taken and not three of the guys

who were in the top five. It's just, why do we do this? Vote me out. I'm going to insult whoever wins the title. You had a chance. You could have lost to Connect Four. I got competitive. I'm not going to lose to Connect Four. Alright, so we have Thursday night. Jets.

You're going to beat me this week. I only picked one exactly right. Jets hosting the Bills. Yeah. Normally, I would have said Bills by three and a half. The Thursday night thing

screws me. I get scared. I docked at a point at the Bills by two and a half. Should have gotten scared. I said 3 it is 3.5

oh okay color rush game right this is the one where everybody complained where they couldn't see if they were blind but they were

happy they couldn't anyway Buffalo's next 5 at the Jets in this game home for New Orleans at the Chargers at the Chiefs

home for New England that 5-2 this feels very Buffalo-y. Buffalo has had fast starts before. Yeah. It's like, oh, this is Buffalo. And then it falls apart. I would worry about it starting to fall apart. I tweeted yesterday that when they play defense at home,

it really feels like they have 15 guys on the field just swarming and just any ball that deflects. Great home crowds they're grabbing that yeah crowd because running downhill like like like like barry sand you know just crazy i'd like to go to a buffalo home game i've been to one because i went to i went to college oh yeah yeah it's great i gotta knock that off lots of fun there's no really i've been to seattle i've been to den. I've been to Lambeau. What else is...

There's really not a lot of great NFL football experiences. I would take the Bills as the last one. You're going to get a zillion letters. Been to Dallas. You're going to get a zillion letters. What's left? Cleveland. I guess Cleveland.

Go to a zombie game. Can they start dressing up like zombies in the... Sit in the dog pound? They should dress up like zombies in the dog pound. Oh, man. Like zombie dogs. Sunday Marquee. I thought this was a pretty easy call.

Dallas Cowboys hosting the Chiefs of Kansas City. Is this a Romo game? Yes, I think it is. I think this is his first Dallas game. Oh, wow. Pretty sure. A lot of snide Dak remarks. No.

Come on. He's above that. He's fine. I'm not going to take one. I don't know. I would have made that Oh, wow. Pretty sure. A lot of snide Dak remarks. No. Come on. He's above that. He's fine. I don't know. I would have made that read, Jim. Dallas, tough stretch here. Home for KC at Atlanta. That's where it gets bad. Home for Philly. Home for the Chargers the next four. You did say beat a good team last week. Beat a good team.

I think they did. Who? The Redskins. They went into Washington and won. That that's horrible what are you talking about they have like they were like 40 injuries i said if they went to washington if they went to washington that is not a good team that's a nice win and the rain they had no offensive lineman that team stinks all right they have no receivers no lead the lineman thing was bad. I had the Chiefs. The lineman thing was bad. I was going to take Washington as one of my super contest picks, and Lombardi was like run from Washington.

Their line's all backed up. Lombardi's like one of the great natural resources. I had the Chiefs by three. The Chiefs by three? Wow. In Dallas, yeah. I don't think you have a good team. All right.

Well, you and Vegas disagree. I said Dallas by three, and it's Dallas by two and a half. I stand by my pick. It's a silly thing because he has another appeal. Ezekiel out with this week, so who even knows what's going to go on. He needs to survive that. Otherwise, yeah, KC's favorite. Do you think KC on a short week going to Dallas,. He needs to survive that. Otherwise, yeah, Casey's favorite. Good guy. Do you think Casey, on a short week, going to Dallas,

Dallas needs it more? You don't think? You think Casey should be favored? I think the Chiefs are better. All right. Okay. Let's see what happens. The toilet bowl.

We don't have poop-fecto this week. We just have a toilet bowl. Okay. This is one game? Just one game. Wait, let me zone in. It's an easy one. Let me zone in.

It's only one real option. Plus the Browns are in a bye. Oh, go ahead. Yeah. The 49ers at home. Right. Taking on Drew Stanton in the Arizona Cardinals. Wow.

I don't want to watch one minute of this game. I don't even want to see this game on Red Zone. I think they should ban it on Red Zone. Really? Just get rid of it completely. Should we let it on? We should just pretend it's happening. Now, here's the thing, though.

A few weeks ago, beginning of October, you loved, loved this game. You loved it. What do you mean? You loved taking the points. You had the Niners. They were a double digit on the dog. You loved them. I did. And they covered. They covered. They went on the door. You loved them. I did. And they

covered. They covered. They went to overtime. I think they win. They lost in overtime. What do you think the line is? I think the line is Cardinals by two and a half. Yeah, you got that exactly. I said four. I get what you're saying here, but I don't think a winless team going into week nine

should be given less than a field goal. I have a prediction because we're at the halfway mark, basically. I think the Niners get three wins the rest of the way. Really? Wow. They're home this week for the Cardinals. They're home next week for the Giants. Bye week. Home for Seattle.

At Chicago. At Houston. Home for Tennessee. Home for Jacksonville. At the Rams. I think they win three of those. I think those last five you said were losses, but they would have to beat the Giants or Arizona, I think. Once they win one or two, then they know they're not going to get the number one pick. Cleveland locks in, and then at that point,

it doesn't matter if it's like two, three, four, or five. They just don't score enough. We don't have pumpkin patch picking anymore as a category. What do we have? It's called the red zone. These are three games that I'm not going to click on, but when I'm on the red zone, they might show a highlight. But I got that game.

All right. First one, Tennessee home for the Ravens of Baltimore. I think the Ravens have screwed the most amount of gamblers this year, or would you pick another team? Well, I think this is such... They are such a stay-away. You're a mental patient if you pick the Ravens. Pick four against them, yeah.

Even if you're in a pool and you have to pick one of them, just take the zero. Cross it off. We found that out last week. Yeah. Don't look at it. We thought we were all cute with our game two Astros parlayed with the Dolphins. Dolphins plus three and a half look good. I hate the Ravens.

Yeah. Well, there's no line here. Let's go pass it. No Flacco, right? No, we don't know if it's Flacco, but there's no line. All right. The Giants are home for the feel-good Rams. America's new team.

Five and two. Chance to go six to two. I have the Rams favored by five. Ooh. For the feel-good Rams, America's new team, 5-2. Chance to go 6-2. I have the Rams favored by 5. I put it right in the Vegas zone. We are going to split this. You went 1.5 heavy. I went 1.5 light. 3.5 is the line.

I said 2. Okay. That's stupid. Wow. I'm going to pick the Rams. I'm telling you right now. You love the Rams team. Every week. Tell me when they stop covering. I'm telling you right now. You love the Rams team. Every week.

Tell me when they stop covering. But don't you want, do you want a cold, rainy, I want a cold, rainy November day at the Meadowlands right there, whatever they want to call it now. That's what I want to see. What was up with Matt Ryan yesterday? I don't know. Does he have small hands?

I don't know. If you listen to Tate. Tate, what was up with Matt Ryan yesterday? Tate makes a good point. He played at Boston College. Shouldn't be fumbling these snaps. They acted like he never played outside before. It was the strangest thing.

I think Matt Ryan has been really, really terrible this season. The guy won the MVP last year. He had 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. And this year, he looks like a schmuck. I think there's a lot of sluggish. I think there's one you're going to step up stars category. And I think Devonta Freeman is one of those guys. I think Mike Evans, he doesn't look like he practices

with Jameis at all. This is a beast should be shoving off defenders. Remember when Mike Evans was one of the top seven fantasy expensive guys? Right. It was like this year Mike Evans 50. He went for like $50 in our league. My first round pick in my stupid snake draft league. Yeah. I know.

Terrible. Who's Atlanta's backup quarterback? I think we need to know who it is because I think we should see him. You're never going to see him. No, sit Matt Ryan. Teach him a lesson. Wait, who is it? We're going to kill ourselves. Bench him for a series.

We knew this. Who is this? Is it Chris Chandler? Is he still there? It's Shahab. Oh, yeah, it is Shahab. Come back, Shahab. That's Shahab.

All right, they have a lot of mats right they have like seven mats unbelievable the third Reds out game is the the Jags

at home for the Bengals who somehow aren't a cross off team yet I have the Jags laying three and a half I said three and a half

also it's four boy they really wanted to be a cross-off. One way to get yourself crossed off is to lose at home to the Colts. I was going to say, those poor Bengal fans. They saw the first two games they didn't score a touchdown, offensive touchdown,

and they're not going to lose to the Colts? And they almost did. Almost pulled it off. The Bengals fans, I would rather be the Browns than be the Bengals almost. Really? At least at the Browns, you have an identity. You root for the biggest sad sack loser team of all time.

The Bengals, you just lose and nobody even met, nobody even throws you in the arguments of who the most tortured franchise is. Yeah. Well, what is their identity?

They have no running game now. Like Mixon called a nice pass. Their identity is Icky Woods and they almost beat Joe Montana. Right. And then they didn't do anything for 25 years. Cross off teams, Giants, Niners, Zona, Cleveland, The humanity is Icky Woods and they almost beat Joe Montana. Right. And then they didn't do anything for 25 years. Cross-off teams. Giants, Niners, Zona, Cleveland, Indy, Bears.

Crossing them off, right? I guess so. Their defense is better than I thought. They're not going to make the playoffs. Can we cross off Oakland? I think if... No, not yet 2-5? I don't like anything I say

3-5 Jets? one more you're not crossing off Tampa either? oh man I want to do more than cross them off yeah you know what I don't think we should cross off the Bears

if my life depended on it, I wouldn't. No. So we still only have five cross-off teams after eight weeks. That's got to be a record. These teams are in an okay division to thrive. Not the Jets, but these other teams can make a call. Oh, I have a couple more red zone games. Good.

The Texans, home for the Colts of Indianapolis. I have the Texans by nine. This game is, don't let me put this in a tease. Let's all settle down on the Texans because they gave up 38 points to a team that, as far as I could tell, has no running backs. Does Seattle have one running back? No, it's a mess. I think the Pats' four-string running back would be the best i think i made one good futures bet now is eddie lacey

under 750 yards i don't know if that was genius yeah yeah they're they're a mess uh talk about overreacting i said nine and a half vegas has it at 12 stay away 12 stay away last one this is a you could have put this in the watchables. I just don't really like watching Denver. Let's put it in the watchables. All right. Eagles home for the Broncos. I guess that's a watchable game.

I have the Eagles by seven. You're going to get it. I said six. It's seven and a half. Yeah, we always did the West team going East early is going to lose. It never seemed to shake out. Yesterday, it was perfect. Raiders go to Buffalo.

Chargers, even though they could have kind of covered at the end, didn't go into New England. What do we do with this one? Seems easy, right, Denver on a short week? I didn't like your Raiders pick. No? That was the first pick you've had that I just didn't like. Just because I don't think your Raiders pick no that was the first pick you've had that I just didn't like

just because I don't think that team's good and I think they they honestly could have had a five game losing streak if that one play had happened but some teams get lucky when they don't

you know like they probably should have lost to the Chiefs but I thought well maybe this turns their season around I think they're poorly coached the Bills gave up 700 passing yards to Jameis and Dalton in two straight weeks. What do we make of Jameis?

Is he hurt? Is he not hurt? It really looks like they don't practice there in a week. He's so far off on some of these throws. What did Lombardi say about Jameis Tate? He just basically said he was the reason that Dirk Cutter's there. Yeah.

He's not a good coach for him. I didn't see the coaches fired, but he's got to be up there. Look at the coaches fired. I want to talk about Hotel Tonight really quick. Dirk Cutter's up there. Hotel Tonight, which I used this weekend, my daughter and I had a game in Palm Springs, so we went a day early.

I tend to leave things at the last minute. Hotel Tonight was great. You wait until the last minute. You just keep putting in Palm Springs into the Hotel Tonight thing, and the deals keep dropping, and then you grab one. That's great. When it comes to booking a hotel, being last minute actually works in your favor as long as you've got the Hotel Tonight app.

I was looking. I'd never gone to Palm Springs before. Drove by the Morongo. It looked nice. Yeah, they have a few. So you've been to the Morongo. They have a couple of them there. Yeah. Morongo's nice. I don't know if Morongo. It looked nice. Yeah, they have a few of them. So you've been to the Morongo. They have a couple of them there. Yeah.

Morongo's nice. I don't know if Morongo's on Hotel Tonight, but it looked really nice, though. It looked high tech. Let's go. You said Super Dave was there? Super Dave is five minutes away. He'll join us. Is he still mourning his dead nephew who died of the prostitute or no?

How great is that? Well, if you're the type who started playing planning your Halloween costume on November 1st of last year and like to have things locked down ahead of time, you can actually book a room with Hotel Tonight up to seven days in advance. In certain cities, you can even book up to 100 days in advance. With Hotel Tonight, you'll bag a sweet deal at a killer hotel. Whether you need a room for today, for Halloween, or beyond, you definitely want to download the Hotel Tonight app.

It's really cool. You just keep looking. You keep waiting. And the hotels, they have rooms left, and they'll just start cutting them. It's the best. I'm not even kidding. It's a really good one. I sit at home with the wife and family.

I'm like, you just look at rooms? But we're driving 30 miles. It's actually cheaper to go stay here than put the lights on at the house here. My daughter loves staying at a hotel more than anything. Oh, yeah. And if I said to her, we're going to stay in a hotel, and it was 10 minutes from our house, she'd be so excited. Right.

We got there. We rented Kidnap with Halle Berry, which is terrible and great. It was really good. Aren't there some weird moments in there for you? Father, daughter? No? In Kidnap? No.

No. Oh, okay. No. In Kidnap? No. No. Oh, okay. No. I like all Kidnapping movies. Yeah. It was good. I like Stay in the Hotel. Saints Home for the Bucks?

Mm. The Saints just, the schedule fairy just keeps showing up for the Saints. Yeah, it's a good time to play the Bucks. They're just catching all these teams at the perfect time. Have they played? Why did they score only 20? Is the Bears defense that good? They were dying to lose to the Bears.

Well, I have Drew Brees in my fantasy league. Yeah. And decent stats. Is that the point where I might start insulting him on Twitter? I know that football players hate when the fantasy people get upset, but it's like you're the 19th best fantasy quarterback. You're Drew Brees. Like when you're in the red zone, can you throw like a touchdown

or what's around? Just please. 23 for 28, 299. No touchdowns. Right. But that's a good game, isn't it? I guess. Yeah.

I mean, they're winning games. It's just like, Drew, where's the game where you have 480 yards and seven touchdowns? Yeah, I know. It's probably coming. Maybe it's coming in this game. This could be it. Saints by eight? Jameis is 49 passing.

Just so bad. I had a—oh, you're good. I had a four and a half. It's seven. And you love the Saints on a teaser. I do. I like the Saints. I think their defense is

pretty good yeah latimer is good he's like the number one rated cornerback they've guys they at least have guys who are good now they have yeah like three or four guys who are actually confident seahawks are home for uh the washington no dead skins this is i mean just perfect for the seahawks. Yeah. This is nice. They sneak out that Texans game. They're catching this banged-up Washington team, and they're going to be 6-2.

This is the finally facing an offensive line worse than theirs. Yeah. Congratulations. I have the Seahawks by nine. I didn't go so high. I had seven, and it is seven. That's too low. You think so, huh? Yeah. That's too low. You think so, huh? Yeah.

That's too low. Hmm. Last one. Last watchable. This is a good one. This could have been a borderline marquee game. Before we go on, Tarell Pryor is another star. Maybe we just overblew his star status.

Maybe? Not that. Cousins hates him. He won't even look. He won't look his way. It's like the Raiders of the Lost Light. No, your face is going to melt if you stare at that thing. We have to find out why he hates him.

Can Washington trade? He might be a better quarterback than them. Is that it? He's just jealous of them. Is that it? Maybe he's not running the route. Is he going to die? Yeah.

Could Washington trade Kirk Cousins? We keep hearing the same quarterbacks put in these trade rumors. Like this early? Like this trade period? Yeah, he's going to leave anyway. You're not making the playoffs. Why wouldn't you trade him right now? It's the most logical.

In the NBA, you would totally trade this guy. I know. But who's excited if he goes to the Niners? What about Jacksonville? This week? That would be fun. Jacksonville's like, no thanks, we have our guy. Right.

Blake Bortles. Straight up. Straight up deal. Panthers home for the Falcons. I have the Panthers laying three and a half. We should be more excited about this game, right? I said three, and it's two. I think the Panthers not being that good on offense doesn't make sense to me.

Yeah, I know. Tate, make some sense of it for us. Tate, explain this to us for 30 seconds. They're trying to run, basically, trick plays for Christian McCaffrey. They've been doing it all year. Percy Harvarditis? Yes, exactly. And then Kelvin's just not quite there. Funches is supposed to be the guy. He should be the one guy.

When it's Dixon and Funches, things go well. When those guys aren't involved, it goes poorly. Funches, zero. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing stats. Nothing. McCaffrey only gets like two or three handoffs, right? Well, did you see that he broke the franchise record for receptions by a running back? We should all be

so excited. Already? They put that out there. He's basically James White. Yeah. I don't think that's what you want with the eighth pick. Right. Pretty sure you can get James White. I don't think that's what you want with the eighth pick. I'm pretty sure you can get James White later. If they go back and they draft an offensive lineman eighth and then draft Cohen in the fourth round like the Bears, there may be a better team. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. They'll never admit defeat. If you're taking a running back in the top 12 picks, that guy's got to be four net. Has to be. Because it's just year after year you get too many running backs second third fourth round but what's hard to get in the top 12 is the left tackle that's the speed rusher or deshaun watson what is like a saquon barkley

go tate in the draft yeah see i feel like barkley is a guy that he would take it yeah he can run at the middle like they can't run christ run Christian McCaffrey up the middle. He's going nowhere. No. When the first guy who hits him, he goes down. I was the most shocked by that. I thought he was going to be more physical. I thought he was going to be tough.

Yeah. He's, like, totally content to just fall down and get back up. I think he's a wide receiver. Yeah. It's strange. Well, congratulations on that pick. But is this even for the division? Like, Atlanta, Carolina, you would think, all right,

one of these teams is going to be a division winner, but neither is favored to win a division. What's funny is Atlanta is dying. That is funny. They're dying to go home. They're dying to be 7-9 for the year and just get out of the season. And yet, they just keep stealing these games, and they're

going to be lingering in the wildcard. Sunday night. This is an awful game. I think I'd beat you again. You have to win these next two. I'm going to hit these next two exact. Sunday night. Miami.

Home for the Oakland Raiders. I have the Dolphins by two and a half. I had the Dolphins by one and a half. Oakland favored by two and a half. I had the Dolphins by one and a half. Oakland favored by two and a half. I don't know. I mean, when your coach says we have the worst offense in the game, who said that?

Gates. Gates. He said that? Gates, yeah. What is Vegas? How is Vegas supposed to react? When's the trade deadline? Is it Tuesday?

Yeah. Tomorrow, right? It would be interesting if they're going to trade Jarvis Landry and basically throw the towel on the season. Oh, before the Thursday. I wonder if that would move the line. Because having watched Dolphins games, he's the only guy that is even trying to get open.

Everybody else just runs straight lines. Can I ask you how the Dolphins got three night games in a row? Like, when did the schedule makers look at this? What happened to Gase? Dan Marino was gone, right? They knew this team was what it was. What happened to Gase?

He was, like, our favorite new coach last year. I don't know. I think he screwed up with this Cutler thing. Even he's scratching his head at a team that can't score. I don't know. I like more, like like he throws long. I like that in like a backup. Yeah, I do too.

But then there's nothing. Ends up being nothing. Monday night's even worse. Packers home for the Lions. Yeah, it's bad. I had the Packers by four. I had Green Bay by one, and it's Detroit by one. God, I'm just way off with the bad teams.

Who even knows with this stuff? What's good about Detroit? I don't know. That line came out. Why should they be favorite of the road? That line was halftime of the night game when I pulled it. But yeah, that shouldn't be. I'm not sure.

Except that just when you think they're done, they win. That's the only good thing about them. All right, so to recap. Wait, do we have a captain of the week? We do. We're going to do that in a second. To recap, Chiefs-Cowboys is a must-watch. Carolina-Atlanta.

Carolina-Atlanta I'm interested in. That's really it. That's a good week to go spend some time with your family. This is it. Your Patriots did it. They took the bye. What kind of spell does Belichick put on these teams? Like, Gordon runs free.

That's it. Deflated the whole crowd. That's great. You're hanging with the Patriots. Then Benjamin takes a punt at the 15 and makes it a safety. Which swung the line. And then Rivers goes back to pass and drops the ball 10 yards behind. And I'm like, what happens to these teams?

That's the part that swung the line, that Benjamin safety. Right. They went by six instead of eight. I've never seen somebody run 13 yards backwards and get a safety on a kick return. Even my son wouldn't do that in five football. Right. He'll be a Patriot Tuesday. You'll see.

Captain. We love Captain Morgan. They have a collection of rums that are unparalleled. They want everybody to think like a captain, act like a captain. What else do they do with the captain? You have to drink responsibly. Drink responsibly. You have to do that.

You can put Captain Morgan with all kinds of things. Most famously, Coke. I don't know if they... What else did he put? Ginger Ale. Ginger Ale's a big captain. We pick captains.

Go, take it. Who's your captain? My captain is Joe Buck. Okay. I think the first Ringer article, one of the first three Ringer articles was about Joe Buck, how polarizing he is. I'm going to say this. We've now had Joe Buck for 23,

25 hours over the last seven days. Doesn't annoy me at all. How many people in your life can you say, I spent 25 hours over six days, and they don't annoy me? Not your wife, not your parents, certainly not your kids, don't annoy me. Not your wife, not your parents, certainly not your kids,

maybe not even me. Not too many people. Joe Buck uses just enough enthusiasm. He measures his excitement, perfectly delivered some classic calls on those home runs. I'm making you my captain, Joe Buck. Good job this week. That's a great job by you, Sal. Alright, thank you. You know,

I think he's gotten better yeah i think in the in the 0405 range he he scaled it back too much he i talked about it when he was on my pod with him like nine months ago yeah the summer i'll influence i think influenced him too much and uh and i think he's i thought he was great i think him and Smoltz are fantastic. Really good. I really think Smoltz and Romo. I think I tweeted something about this a couple days ago. Smoltz and Romo, arguably the two best we've had at those positions

for color guys in those sports. And I wish there was an NBA version of it, and there's just not. Steve Kerr was probably the closest. But a player who just played coming out and just being able to offer the kind of insight. I think they should give Dikembe Mutombo a shot at it. I think people will be impressed. Terrific color guy for basketball.

My captain is DeAndre Hopkins. Oh, yeah. It's weird. We see this happen with receivers sometimes. We saw it with Fitz. We saw it with Cal Johnson, where you know the guy's great, but then they have so many bad quarterbacks, then you start subconsciously thinking maybe the guy's not great.

Yeah. And we just kind of take it for granted how terrible it is to have a shitty quarterback. And here's this guy who we all knew was awesome, that he was probably, him and Julio and Odell were like this next wave of dudes. And then he's just saddled with these shit quarterbacks. And he had to play with Osweiler last year. Right. You know?

And now it's like Watson has unleashed him. He's fucking awesome. I don't think we're supposed to swear during that sponsored segment. Yeah, it's fine. I swear responsibly. There you go. But yeah, I think he's the goat right now for receivers. Just right now, this moment,

because all these other dudes are out. All right. Julio, what's Julio done this year? Another star that hasn't stepped up. So who's the best receiver? Who's the scariest receiver right now? It's Hopkins, right? Antonio Brown, Hopkins, I'd put them right together I think Hopkins scares me more

I'm with you Because I think like We've known a thousand quarterbacks who have made receivers look good Aaron Rodgers is known for that Obviously Brady How many receivers make every quarterback look good or better than they should be? Antony Brown's awesome. Yeah.

I feel like you can contain him a little and get him so that it's a 10 catch for 87 yards game. Hopkins is just, if he has a quarterback, that dude's petrifying. Wherever he goes, you're like, oh, we got to watch him. And he brings everybody over to his side. I just like the guy. He's a good captain. Alright. Parents' Corner.

You want to go first? Yeah, I'll go first. You have a good one. I can tell. You're brewing over there. No, I mean, it's not as... You set the bar last week, but it's okay. This is not even... You know our friend Brad? Yeah. We did a podcast with him it was my most listened to podcast by by a mile he's a maniac yeah he went to uh when are

we doing another one we need to do another one yeah before he expires he uh he went to the navy to avoid a gambling debt he was in the navy for three years yeah and he's a little jittery yeah we've gone to summer jittery we've gone to summer slam and you've seen the three years. And he's a little jittery. Yeah. We've gone to SummerSlam. A little jittery. We've gone to SummerSlam. And you've seen the fireworks go off. And he's just flying out of his seat. He jumped out of it. Literally jumped out of his seat.

Right. Yeah. So we're watching football yesterday. And we're with Corollas. And Archie, my son, is with the Corolla kids. And they have these snaps. And you know these snaps? You throw the snap.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they, by accident, set one off. And Brad jumps. And he's like, that is not funny. So that's it. So now for the next four and a half hours, it just snaps. Every eight minutes when he stops, he's not looking.

They throw it. And he's like, and it's hysterical. And it's funnier every time and next time. But then he's like, starts talking about the war and everything. So I'm like, now this is like a shitty thing. It's funnier every time and next time. But then he starts talking about the war and everything. So I'm like, now this is like a shitty thing. He never heard guns go off, but he'd hear these aircraft carriers come in, and it would blow them away. So it's PTSD-ish.

So I have to explain to my son that it's not right and what Brad's been through in his life. I blame the war on drugs also, not just the other wars. A lot of wars. Yeah and but a lot of worse yes a ton of worse in his head um but uh so i explained to him and and uh yeah they just did three or four more and that was it that was it that's my parents going so explain tell talk to your kids about ptsd because they might not be on board with it. Wow. Poor Brad. Yeah.

When are we doing another pod with him? I need to hear his Ray Donovan thoughts. Yeah, yeah. I'm not watching that. Does Brad watch Stranger Things? I don't know if he does. He knocks something out in it. Oh, did you watch this American Vandal?

No. I guess this only matters for people who watched it, but our friend Daniel loved the show and then didn't realize it was scripted and Brad went crazy when he heard this he went crazy doesn't know how anyone can work in television maybe it's worth it just to have that

you know I like to push the envelope with movies with my children I just figure like you can't hide stuff from them You went bananas. My parents go on a... You know I like to push the envelope with movies with my children. Yeah, that's why I was... I just figured, like, you can't hide stuff from them because it's only going to make them want it more later. Right. And I like my kids to have a sense of humor. So Friday night, we ran a girls' trip.

My son wasn't there. He was out. It was just me, my wife, and my daughter. And I knew about the pee scene. There's a zipline pee scene when Jada Pinkett, whose face does not move during the entire movie, just for the record. A lot of, I don't know what's going on with her, but her face does not move.

Interesting. But does the zipline and she pees all over. It's the hardest my daughter has ever laughed in a movie just dying laughing so i knew about that i knew it was a little raunchy um there's a scene when tiffany haddish who you've had on her show who's hilarious who's like almost like the the female tracy morgan right They're all at a table, and she starts talking about giving blowjobs. Jesus. Using a watermelon. And she takes this watermelon slice and a banana

and puts the banana through the watermelon. And she's like, you got to get all slurpy. And she starts blowing the banana with the watermelon. She told the story on our show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jesus Christ. I'm grabbing the remote. I'm already uncomfortable.

I'm trying to grab the remote, but the dog had knocked it over. And my wife's yelling at me like I knew this was happening. And my daughter's laughing, but doesn't... We're not positive she understood what was going on. But I think she did, or she might have been playing dumb. And I didn't get the remote in time. And we all got to watch Tiffany Haddish give a blowjob with the watermelon. And I just, you just kind of move on.

It's like a trauma. You just move on. You pretend it didn't happen. Tell me if you think this is what happens. I think Sunday night, after all the games are done, Simmons is setting up this podcast, trying to figure out if a game's in London or not. And he's like London or not.

And then he's like, forget it. This is too confusing. What do I have for parent? He's like, oh, shit, I have nothing for parent corner. Let's rent boogie nights. I really think you ask for trouble with these things. She, just for the record, she said it was her favorite movie of all time. Of course.

She's never loved a movie more. Of all time. Wow. She's, I actually, obviously I've known her her whole life. I've never seen her laugh harder than the zip line thing. Like she was like keeled over,

just done. That's when you turn the movie off. I don't know. I think, you know, take away, take away the banana watermelon blowjob scene. And it might not have been that bad. I mean,

there's some other completely inappropriate things. That's your movie review. Take away the metaphor. I was on a text thread on Saturday with Fantasy and Wesley Morris and Amanda Dobbins and Juliet about it, whether it was the right move. And Amanda and Juliet made the case. It's a movie about female bonding and friendship and there are important lessons to be made and they were okay with it.

She definitely knew what was going on there. She was sparing your feelings. She was trying not to kill you. It's so over the top. I can't even describe how over the top it is. I'm sure a lot of people have seen Girl Ship. Oh, man. Good job.

Yeah, great. That's nice. So that's that edition of Parents' Corner. What do you got to plug? Jimmy Kimmel Live, big week. Shaquille O'Neal, Jennifer Lawrence, Dave Grohl, Channing Tatum. Against all odds this week, I'll have the January trifecta. They'll have their best bets.

And I'll have a real live bookie. 35 years he was a bookie in Brooklyn. I met him in Brooklyn. I was like, I love this guy. I want to talk to him. We're at the halfway point. I think psychologically he can give gamblers tips on what maybe not to do since he made money over the years.

Parleys and teasers. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that'll be in there. What was the live betting situation of that World Series game last night? The Dodgers were, well, I didn't catch the earlier innings when the Dodgers were up three and the Astros were down three, but the Dodgers, you could have got them at 12-1. They were down three going into the ninth.

12-1. And still would have lost. Jesus. Yeah. Thanks to Sonos, Sonos OneBlends. Great sound with Amazon Alexa for hands-free control of your music and more. Use your voice to play your songs,

manage your smart devices, all using a single Sonos speaker. For a limited time, Sonos offering the listeners of the Bill Simmons Podcast 10% off one order of $2,500 or less for any product on Sonos.com. Use the promo code SIMMONS10, that is SIMMONS10 at Sonos.com to receive this offer. Thanks to Bluehost for bloggers and small business owners. Bluehost has everything you need to build, host, and manage the personal or small business website you've always wanted. Simple enough for beginners. Powerful enough for even the most advanced users. Bluehost gives you the freedom to design your website your way without being limited by templates.

Our listeners save 50% when you sign up at bluehost.com slash Bill Simmons. Don't forget to check out The Ringer this week. A lot of basketball stuff. A lot of basketball stuff, a lot of football stuff. Stranger Things. You watch Stranger Things? I watched the first episode. I don't know,

how are you watching these? You're doing two at once? I think Netflix screwed up. I don't think they should've released them all at once. Really? I actually think it was a real mistake.

I think they should've done three. Interesting. And let people watch them and digest them, figure out where it's going. That's something you should watch with your kids. Do you watch that with your kids, Oh, my kids love it.

Yeah. It was the day it came out. They were banging it out. Yeah. But, uh, I think they made a real mistake with that. I'm all for the binge watch when it's like a show like bloodline,

like who cares, but like for this, you want to capture the cultural interest in it. I think release three, release two, release two, then save the season finale and build it for four weeks. Because what's going to happen now is it's going to come and go in three days.

Yeah. Yeah, like I watched the Halloween episode this week, and then I figure I'll do two a week the rest of the way. Yeah, it's hard to gauge. Shout out to Michael Myers. 39 years ago tomorrow he came home. Really? Yeah.

39? Yeah. Oh, man. Heading toward his 40th anniversary Oh for God's sakes We'll never figure out How he was able to drive a car Oh

He escapes the insane asylum Hops right in the car And drives away Can he give a banana blowjob In a watermelon? And then in the same asylum Since he was Age 6

That's gonna be in the remake Cousin Sal Good job by you Good job by you, Billy.