The Bill Simmons Podcast - Jason Segel and Adam Carolla | The Bill Simmons Podcast
Episode Date: February 26, 2020HBO and The Ringer’s Bill Simmons is joined by actor Jason Segel to discuss California prep school basketball, starting out in acting, ‘Freaks and Geeks,’ ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall,’ I Love... You, Man,’ ‘How I Met Your Mother,’ learning from Judd Apatow, early-2000s comedies, movie set stories, and more (3:24). Then Bill sits down with his old friend Adam Carolla to talk about the early days of podcasting, the Deontay Wilder–Tyson Fury boxing match, fatherhood, cars, fake movies, and much more (55:16). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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The Ringer Podcast Network, where if you like this podcast, go check out the book of basketball.
We did the second to last one this week, Tim Duncan versus Shaq and Kobe, game five, 2003. The great underrated game of the 2000s that includes a shocking ending.
You can check that one out.
People forget how close the Lakers came to a four-peat, not a three-peat.
People also forget that the Duncan Spurs, those were some great teams.
We also have the rewatchables coming Wednesday night.
We did Vision Quest, the greatest wrestling movie
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series, Ryan Rosillo and Chris Ryan on that one. Oh, and if I wasn't on enough podcasts this week,
you can also catch me on Bachelor Party, the smash hit bachelor podcast hosted by Juliet
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it is a bonkers podcast
and I think we're all going to have to fire ourselves afterwards
so check that out as well
coming up
Jason Segel, first time ever.
We had a really fun podcast talking about the last 20 years of comedy.
And then speaking of comedy, the second guest I ever had, Adam Carolla.
He's back.
I don't know where he's been, but he's back.
We talked boxing.
We talked fake movies that we made up.
We probably had to edit some stuff out because he's always working hot.
We made fun of Jimmy Kimmel.
Oh, actually we didn't.
He was afraid to.
That's right.
I wanted to make fun of it.
He's just, everyone's,
Jimmy's just,
he's untouchable now.
He's like Vito Corleone.
What a guy.
Shout out to Jimmy.
You're a great guy.
Don't hurt me.
All right.
That's all coming up first.
Our friends
from Pearl Jam. This is great.
Jason Siegel is finally here.
We get to talk LA high school basketball for a solid three straight hours.
I'm so ready.
Yeah, good.
You backed up one of the Collins brothers.
Yes, Jason.
In the mid-90s.
Yeah.
But what people don't realize in the outside world is this LA kind of prep school basketball scene is really good. I was
telling my daughter's school has a seven-foot center, and they're not even one of the best
teams. This guy's athletic. Yeah, I had no context. I mean, I was basically just trying
to emulate my brother. My brother was my idol, still is growing up. And he played at public
school. He played at Palisades High. And he was
just really good. And he ran pickup games every weekend and all that. And I just, I wanted my
brother's approval so bad. But I went to Harvard Westlake, which is sort of a fancy prep school in
the Valley. But yeah, we had these identical twins, Jason and Jaron Collins. Were they both
there or was there just one of them? No, they were both there. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah. They were both
there. And we were ranked like 20th in the nation
or something like that,
you know, all on their backs.
But it was fun and crazy.
I mean, it was special.
So you were just the white guy who came in
when one of them was in foul trouble?
Yeah.
Or did you play more than that?
I played a little bit.
I wasn't that good at the actual game,
but I was good at the performative aspects.
Like I could jump really high.
So I used to win dunk contests. Oh. Yeah oh yeah yeah they called me Dr. Dunk in high school that was the the newspaper
called me that and then it stuck really yeah I couldn't do much else like I wasn't a good
shooter or anything but I could just I could jump pretty high uh were you into the whole
like acting thing at that point too and doing both paths or you didn't know yet? So I was like kind of a secret actor.
Yeah.
I was a shy kid and I was also kind of a weird kid to be just straightforward about it.
And you were probably like 6'5 in the ninth grade, one of those kids?
I was 6'4 since I was 12.
Yeah.
And so I always felt a little bit like I had been invited by mistake kind of feeling.
Pretty typical.
Yeah.
Probably at that age.
But my parents enrolled me in an acting class when I was really young, Santa Monica Playhouse.
And it was this after-school program that was not for kids who wanted to be actors.
It was for, like, kids who needed friends.
Yeah.
You know, like the smelly kid and the tall kid and the awkward kid.
Right.
We were all in this room together.
But I really liked it But I really liked it.
I really liked it.
And I had a sense that I was good at it too.
Yeah.
But then I think in high school,
two movies came out.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
Yeah.
With that crazy DiCaprio performance.
Oh, yeah.
And Primal Fear with that crazy DiCaprio performance. Oh, yeah. And Primal Fear with that crazy Edward Norton performance.
I just remember feeling really inspired, super, super inspired, thinking I really want to do that.
We had a fancy school, like I said, and we had this theater coach called Ted Walsh who's still there.
Theater coach?
Yeah, like theater director.
We had a theater department and we would put on these,
they would put on these shows
that were really,
really high class.
Like he used to be
Paul Newman's
theater director
back in the day.
He was really good.
This school like
has the best of everything.
There's an electron microscope
in the science department.
Like whatever you want to do,
they have the resources for you.
But I was like a,
you know,
I was a basketball guy.
So I'd sneak in there and I would take plays off of the bookshelf and I would read them and
practice them alone in my house, like shame acting in front of the mirror. And then one day
I took this play off the shelf by Edward Albee called The Zoo Story. And it's a short play, but at one point,
there's like a 25-minute monologue from this one guy uninterrupted. And I really thought,
okay, it would be really cool to see if I can even memorize this. It started with just,
could I memorize it? And I went and talked to Ted and he said, yeah, if you want to put this on,
we can put it on in the small theater for just a little group. I'll direct it. So we rehearsed, I rehearsed sort of in secret from the basketball team because I was shy
for a few months and we did this performance. And without telling me, he invited the head of
casting at Paramount Pictures to come watch the show. Really? Yeah. I mean, this is real.
So you got freaked out if you knew.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And also sometimes, you know, I like talk to kids and stuff because I write these kids
books and they say, how do you get started as an actor?
And I don't have a good answer because I got like blessed, you know?
Yeah.
And being out here probably helped too.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just, I had everything on helped too. Yeah. I mean, it's just I had everything on my side.
Yeah.
But about like a week later, my parents sat me down and said, we've been talking to Paramount Pictures.
And if you want to be an actor, they're ready to help you out.
And so that was my junior year and senior year I started.
And Harvard-Westlake is a really hard school.
Yeah.
I mean, it's academically intense.
So it's funny that you just went from there right into acting.
Yeah.
You could have the high school experience.
Could have been easier.
Yeah.
They post the matriculation for everyone to see, like with names.
Yeah.
This person's going to this school.
This person's going to this school.
And I remember I had decided what I thought was like pretty cool.
I'm going to go do movies.
Not even try to be an actor.
I was going to do an actual movie. And on the matriculation, the head of the newspaper put Jason Segel, school of hard knocks.
Like there's just like no respect for anything but academic rigor.
That's hilarious.
I went to a prep school that did the exact same thing.
Oh, you did?
Where it's like when they trot out the colleges.
It's like a big thing.
And then they put it in the magazine for the school and it's on the last page, all that stuff.
And God bless them.
Like the kids turn out amazing and go really far in life.
I always felt a little, again, this theme of feeling like invited by mistake has sort of run through my whole life and been very useful
to me. Yeah. Honestly, you know, like that's the, that's the tone of freaks and geeks. And that's
the tone of all the comedy I've written is a little like, I don't, I don't think I'm quite
supposed to be here. Yeah. Yeah. What was the movie you got that you ended up not going to
college for? Do you even remember? Yeah. Well, uh, or did it get made? Yeah. There are three
before I got freaks and geeks.
One was called dead man on campus.
I was still a junior.
It was about, uh, people's first year in a college freshman dorm.
I'm positive.
I saw that, but I can't remember one thing from it.
That sounds about right.
It was a lot of movies in the late nineties.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, I remember my, my character's big trait was that he masturbated a lot.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah, it was a lot of prep.
And then the next one was called Can't Hardly Wait.
Yeah.
Yeah, which was a lot of people.
So that one's endured.
A little bit, I guess so, yeah.
We do this podcast called The Rewatchables, and that's been on the list for a while. Yeah. And that one I'm watermelon guy. Yeah. That, that one, you know,
there was this whole high school movie boom basically from 97 to 03. And that was one of
the OG high school movies. It's got a lot of people in it. A lot of the people went on to be,
yeah. You know, whoever. Yeah. It was a cool time. It was that period in movies too. I mean,
movies have really changed what you can get made.
But, you know, you could make these kind of mid-level comedies.
They're not made so much anymore.
Well, you know where they're made.
Netflix.
Yeah.
No, exactly.
I can't hardly wait in 2020.
I'm amazed they haven't just rebooted it.
I know.
We're back.
Yeah, totally.
And then the third one, which was what I view as like my first real acting professionally,
it was called SLC Punk.
And it was this movie about, yeah, punk music in Salt Lake City in the 80s.
And it was cool.
And I lied on my paperwork because this is pre-digital age.
I was 17, but I got a fake ID and said I was 18 so I could work.
And it all felt really, it felt cool.
I thought you were going to say you lied that you knew how to do skateboarding stuff and things like that.
No, no.
I lied about my age and all that kind of stuff.
Because people do that with sports movies all the time.
Yeah, I'm great at basketball.
And then they show up and they can't dribble.
We just had that on my TV show without mentioning any names.
There was a character.
It was very important that he be able to roller skate. And this guy said, expert roller skater.
Right. And then he showed up, could not, definitely couldn't roller skate.
How have you not done, or have you done a basketball movie that I didn't remember watching?
Have you done it? I did one basketball movie. It was a mock documentary
before mock documentaries were really a thing.
Like a little pre-Christopher Guest called The New Jersey Turnpikes.
It was about the ABA.
And it never got released.
Oh, I was going to say, I don't know how I missed that one.
Yes, it got swallowed up.
New Jersey Turnpikes?
The New Jersey Turnpikes, yeah.
So you could have, if they ever brought back The White Shadow.
Oh, fully. You easily could have back the white shadow. Oh, fully.
You easily could have been Ken Reeves.
Yes, fully.
Could have pretended you had like the knee injury on the balls and now you're moving back home to, all right, we'll put that in the pile over there just in case. Yeah, I played a little bit of like one scene in this movie called Jeff Who Lives at Home.
And I hadn't played in a really long time.
And I was not good.
Really?
I was not Lives at Home. And I hadn't played in a really long time. And I was not good. Really? I was not good at all.
There was one, it happened in Freaks and Geeks too,
where I was just supposed to hit a jumper.
It was kind of an integral part of the scene.
Like Nick Andopolis got his stuff together.
Are we allowed to swear on this?
Oh, we, fuck yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, Nick Andopolis got his shit together.
And all I had to do in the scene
is just like hit a jumper at the end.
And it took us like four or five hours
for it.
The Freaks and Geeks thing
which has become
mythologized
over the years
and turned into its own
every anniversary
and it's always like
is
you right
what was that show
two years?
No.
One year?
Yeah it was
one and a half?
Thirteen episodes
or eighteen episodes something like that. That was it? Yeah. We was 18. One and a half? 13 episodes or 18 episodes.
That was it?
Yeah.
We knew that we were going downhill because there was a craft service area, you know, where there's food to eat during the day.
And when it started out, everyone was so excited.
And there was like this, it was filled with meats and cheeses and, you know, all this delicious food.
And then by the end, it slowly got whittled down to like a box of corn pops and some creamer. Like, oh, this isn't going well.
And yeah, so they did something really smart on Freaks and Geeks. I don't know how many people
know this, but we had the sense we were getting canceled. All the signs were pointing towards it.
And sometimes on TV, they'll just pull the plug. Like, you're not coming back next week.
And so we shot the finale halfway through
the season and just held it so that when they canceled us, there was an end to the show.
That's kind of morbid, but really smart. Yeah. Yeah. You can see the grim reaper coming,
but you actually, everyone was smart enough to plan for it creatively.
It was most of our first real big thing. And so we had the naivety of youth
thinking like, well, even if this gets canceled, we'll go on to the next groundbreaking show.
We had no idea that it then gets hard and how special and unique that little capsule was.
It's a weird time that basically mid-90s all the way through when Friday Night
Lights was on, where you could have
these shows that were just super
beloved, but you
still had to hit this ratings threshold.
And then once we hit the
last decade, the 2010s,
all that mattered was that your show was loved.
They didn't measure it that same way anymore.
The Freaks and Geeks was right
in the middle of that, where you had to deliver a certain audience as well, or they didn't measure it that same way anymore. But like the Freaks and Geeks is right in the middle of that where you had to deliver a certain audience as well.
Or they didn't stick with it.
Yeah.
And I think that also entertainment for a long time was very much about wish fulfillment and feel good, feel good TV and all that.
And Freaks and Geeks was the tone of most people's high school.
It was melancholy and uncomfortable.
Yeah.
And I just remember at one point they told, NBC told Judd that like this doesn't feel like what high school feels like.
And we realized that there was just a disconnect.
Yeah.
Between whoever was giving that note and the rest of us.
But that was basically my so-called life five years before that too.
Same thing.
Yeah.
This is, it's like, no, this is actually what high school is like.
It's sad and it's depressing and it's weird.
Yeah.
They told Judd that they needed more victories.
Like, next episode, we need more victories.
So Judd wrote this thing, which I don't know if it's a fuck you or not,
or if it is like our version of a victory.
But Martin Starr is like terrible at baseball on
this team. And then at one point he catches this fly ball and it's filmed and scored as like super
triumphant. He catches it and it goes crazy and his friends go crazy. But then you find out it's
just like the first out of the third inning, you know, it's a catch of no consequence except to
him. That's, That's realism to me.
Did you feel like with everybody on that show that everybody was heading places?
Or did you just feel like this is another job and I hope we all get to still work after this?
Because when you look back at some of the talent on that show and you go, oh, my God.
Yeah, I think that the first thing is much easier to say in retrospect.
I don't know if you can actually feel that way when you're doing it.
Yeah.
But I do think one of the things I learned, we all learned from Judd during that, is that everything is in the casting.
They did an international search for geeky, freaky kids.
Yeah.
So that nobody was faking it.
Everyone was some version of the character that they were playing. And then I
think the other thing about that show is it was most of our apprenticeship. So it is the cause,
I think, of a lot of people going on to be great. Yeah. I mean, I learned so much just from working
with Judd for all those years. It seems like Dazed and Confused was a little like that too,
where Linklater put so much time and effort and energy into who was going to be who in the movie.
Yeah.
And it just happened that he had great taste in a lot of the guys, McConaughey and Affleck and people like that.
But everybody's kind of perfect. between those two things and Judd's whole ethos is it's like how honest are you willing to be on
screen even amongst set comedy pieces or you know like absurdity what's the the most honest version
of it and like push for that I think that that is what sort of has made a lot of us endure is
how honest are you willing to be on screen? That seems to be
the big test. Yeah. I would say that's a dominant theme in his movies, right? It's somebody who has
faults, but you like them anyway. Yeah. Or somebody who kind of knows they're fucked up,
but they're trying to get through it as it is. Yeah. Like what does it really look like if you're
a 40 year old virgin? What does it really look like if you get someone pregnant unintentionally?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wonder how many more of those he can pull off, though.
I guess there's a lot of fucked up people out there.
Yeah, and I mean, I think that—
I know he's doing something with Pete Davidson now that's loosely based on probably some of Pete's picadillos.
I'm sure, yeah. And I think that too, as the
creator of stuff, as long as you're doing constant
check-ins, you'll
keep finding stuff to explore.
What do you think your big break was? Do you think it was
that or was it something later? I think it was Freaks
and Geeks. Yeah. Well,
Freaks and Geeks was my big break
in that I learned everything I was going to learn and
then my later relationship with Judd is
how I got
any of those movies made.
At one point,
so I personally think,
I've never talked about this
with Judd,
but I think when
Freaks and Geeks
got canceled early
and a similar thing
happened with Undeclared,
there was a mentality
of Judd like
Count of Monte Cristo,
I am going to prove
everyone wrong
by making
each one of these people
stars systematically.
Right.
You know, like, watch this.
Right.
I will prove to you that you were wrong.
And so after Knocked Up, Judd and I went to a Laker game and he had instilled in us,
right, right, right, you know.
And we were at this Laker game and he said, okay, I think it's,
I think it's your turn now. Do you have a script? And I said, yeah, I have this thing I've been
working on. And I pitched him really loosely at a Laker game. Um, forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yeah.
Like two days later, he said, all right, let's make it. It was, again, it was not dissimilar
to my high school situation where I think there was a lot of working hard involved, but I also got really, really lucky.
And so I think that relationship was sort of my big break.
And then weirdly simultaneously I got How I Met Your Mother.
Yeah.
And so I had this parallel.
I had this thing on TV, which is very mainstream, and then I had these movies, which were a little more subversive, but still mainstream going side by side. It was cool. That whole era of comedy,
which we've talked about a lot on different podcasts here, but that basically that 04
through kind of cresting with The Hangover, which wasn't just, but six years where we kind of
redefined, I guess it maybe started with old school, but then maybe so maybe
it's seven years, but these R-rated comedies taking it to the next level and really good actors,
really well-written, just everything. Now I look back at that generation really fondly.
Yeah. It's a fun run. Comedy, unlike drama, which is consistent themes back to the beginning of time. Yeah. Comedy really goes in these cyclical phases, right?
And so right before that era is the era of the high concept character, like the Ace Venturas.
Yes.
And then that gave way to this other era of comedy, which was people hanging out.
That felt like your friends. Like, oh,
that I see myself in that group. And then I think that sort of gave way to people wanting more of a
plot. But for a little while there, it was different iterations of dudes hanging out.
You know, and it was, it was, the internet was around, but it was still
fairly early internet and definitely before Twitter.
Yeah.
And the thing I used to love about movies like that is when the characters, when they're hanging out and they'd be talking about something that like my friends and I had talked about.
And I was like, oh, it wasn't just us.
Yes.
These guys, you see, they did that in the movie.
We were talking about that.
Yeah.
And there's a lot of like identifying that you would do through these stupid scenes that you would then watch a hundred times on Blu-ray or all that stuff.
It was a neat era.
I look back on it fondly too.
It was cool.
It's, and there were so many good comedies.
I'm not just saying this because you're here, but I thought I Love You Man was really good.
Thanks.
And it's just like kind of, there's movies like that that just got lost because there were so many big.
I mean, I don't remember if it did well, if it did mediocre or whatever.
It did well enough.
Yeah.
But I think if that movie comes out, you know, at a different time when people, you know, comedies every four or five, six months, you need one.
Yeah.
My big wish is that Rudd and I do a sequel to I Love You, Man when we're like 70.
Kyle, would you see that?
No doubt. Kyle liked that movie.
That movie was really good, but it was like
it was at the tail end of
20 good comedies in
the span of seven years or whatever, and some
of them just got lost a little. Well, I think there's
only so many, that's like you said,
there's only so many of those conversations you can have
before they've been had. Yeah. Right?
That seemed like that was a fun movie to do. My guess guess was like there was like a lot of ad-libbing and
yeah all kinds of shit all those movies there's a script that is worked hard on you know it's not
it's not just like a loose blueprint it's we all work really hard on them but then there's this
idea that you can't write anything as funny as the actor if you cast right like knows
themselves and knows their moves better than anyone and so then you then you let everyone do
their thing and that was basically apatow and adam mckay those were big things for both of those guys
is put funny people yeah in a situation with the script but then also let them kind of do their
thing and but they both talked about that on this podcast.
Like, yeah, this is the biggest advantage we have.
If we have the right funny people and we trust them, more funny stuff will come out that none of us could have ever thought of.
Yeah.
The other cool thing that happens is I think Rudd and I did five movies together or something like that.
Right.
Yeah.
So by the time you're getting towards, you know, three, four, five, you really know how to, it's like sports.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You really know each other's strengths and can set each other up really well and all that.
Was there a movie during that stretch where you were like, fuck, man, I'm right here.
How am I not in this?
Well, sure.
Although I was, I mean, The Hangover, I think all of us were like, oh, man, that was a special one.
But I was super busy during that time.
Because you're in the CBS show.
I was doing the show.
And so I was also writing some of those movies.
And so during the year, I'd be doing the TV show, writing a movie, and then shooting it over the break.
So I didn't have too much,, like regret about missing out on stuff.
I was actually kind of the opposite.
I was feeling pretty tired.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
So that when How I Met Your Mother starts
and everyone's just comparing it
to Friends right away.
Yes.
So were we.
And it was after Friends was just gone, right?
We were like the next year.
We were clearly just right in the middle.
And everybody's like,
hey, can I have some Friends?
Is there anybody?
Oh, these guys.
Yeah.
But it was a good show.
And I think it kind of held up at least people's expectations for if there's going to be another show.
What does that look like?
Yeah.
I think generationally, it has become its own thing.
Hasn't it that weird Netflix kind of Hulu bounce back
that I think has kept friends alive
for people like my daughter?
Yes.
But I think it will though
at some point.
Yeah, I think it went on Netflix
and a whole other generation
of people who now call me sir
are watching it.
That's been the weirdest thing
about getting older.
People who I am sure
I look at them
and I think they're my contemporaries say like, have a good day, sir. That's freaking the weirdest thing about getting older. Yeah. People who I am sure I look at them and I think they're my contemporaries say like,
have a good day, sir.
That's freaking me out.
You're 18.
How do you know that joke?
Yeah.
So you think that show has the legs now?
Because I have no feel for this stuff unless my daughter tells me she got into a show.
I don't follow too much either, but I think it's like back on people in colleges are watching it.
It's on syndication everywhere. Like if you go to the gym, it's on the TV. Right. That's why I think it's like back on. People in colleges are watching it. It's on syndication everywhere.
Like, if you go to the gym,
it's on the TV.
Right.
That's why I don't go to the gym.
It's from that
last era of
if you could have a
comedy and it's on
for five seasons
and then it just
prints money
from that point on
and everybody tries to get
to the 100 episodes.
I don't know how it works now.
I think you just get paid
more right away now.
I think, yeah. I think we just missed the era you're talking about.
You think you were late to it?
We were a little late to it.
I remember recently somewhere, Seinfeld was,
it might have been the SNL anniversary,
but he called out to Larry David saying like,
hey, we got the last two tickets to Disneyland before it closed.
I think that era was the big, the Seinfeld friends era.
How big was that show at its peak?
How I Met Your Mother?
Yeah.
I think it was really, really popular.
Was it kind of the number, was Big Bang Theory bigger?
Yeah, much bigger, yeah.
But you were still in the conversation though.
So you were like the Rockets, you're a contender.
I think that's a great analogy, absolutely. No rings, but you were, you were made the conference finals a
couple of times. Yeah. Yeah. And Neil Patrick Harris was like James Harden. Right. Yeah. Like
look at all those crazy moves. What was, what was the end for your character on that show?
Uh, I became a judge. Okay. I can't remember if it was a Supreme Court judge, but I became-
Supreme Court judge?
Yeah.
Appointed by Trump.
No, I became like a big judge, man.
Yeah.
Well, congratulations on that.
Yeah, thanks.
So maybe that comes back when you're 10 years from now.
Yeah.
Judge Sir.
Judge Sir.
He's the only man we can trust on this Supreme Court. Yeah. He's Judge Sir. He's Judge Sir. He's the only man we can trust on this Supreme Court.
Yeah.
He's judged her.
He's back.
Yeah, I like that.
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Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We could make that tomorrow, by the way.
Judge Sir, yeah, just pitch it to somebody.
All right, I will.
Well, you're doing this AMC show now
that we have to talk about too.
But yeah, Judge Sir, that's like your retirement,
your retirement retirement.
Yes, yes.
After I Love You Man 2.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This time it's personal.
So you did the David Foster Wallace movie.
Yeah, end of the tour.
And I obviously, like many writers, super fascinated by him and blatantly, unapologetically
stole his footnotes gimmick for both of my books.
Didn't do it as well as he did it, but was so fascinated by him.
And he wrote, I think, a couple of the best nonfiction pieces of the last 50 years.
Just the tennis piece that he wrote, a couple other things.
A supposedly fun thing you'll never do again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A cruise ship essay is amazing.
The footnotes thing to me, because I obviously had to read Infinite Jest for the movie.
He is a complicated guy,
as we all know. And I think the footnotes thing was, it was like a barrier to entry for him. It was like a test. How hard are you willing to work to finish this book? And there's this experience
when you read it with a physical book, which I think you have to,
of, you know, you'll be on page 30 of this thousand plus page book. So you're physically,
you're like at the beginning of the book and then you'll reach an end note and you have to flip to
the back and then you'll read this punishing 70 page end note on tennis. Right. And you'll get
to the end of it and you'll feel some sense of accomplishment because now physically you're at the end of the book.
But then you have to go back to page 30.
And it's demoralizing in a way.
And I personally think that it was intentional.
It was this really complicated guy saying, like, how hard are you willing to work to know me?
That's definitely that book specifically.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's like 800 and something pages.
It's crazy.
I think it's over a thousand once you add the footnotes in.
That was an experience too where I was in full fake it till you make it mode.
What would a real actor do in prep?
I had no experience doing anything like that.
I didn't know if I'd be good enough.
I had this knowledge from doing comedy
that if I get this wrong,
this is going to look like a Saturday Night Live sketch.
I have the glasses on and the bandana on
and I'm trying to do his voice.
Like the chance of this being hugely embarrassing is really high. But I thought to
myself during that period, like how I met your mother had just ended. I was 34. I was trying
to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and career. And I thought,
are you going to find out if you can do this stuff? Or are you going to be
the guy who sits resentfully at a dinner party for the rest of his life? And it's like, well,
if I had done the revenant, you know, I just, I have too many examples of that guy. And I,
we just have the entire internet. Cause that's, yeah, Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, you say and believe that you're good at this and you've devoted your life to it.
Let's find out.
Go high degree of difficulty.
What was the family and friends reaction from his end as you dove into this?
Were they even happy there was a movie being made?
I don't think so.
I don't want to speak for them, but I don't think so.
And I think that there was fairly some skepticism that I was going to play David Foster Wallace.
Yeah.
Because there was no model for that I could come anywhere close to being good enough.
Yeah.
And that was really healthy for me to feel like you really can't fuck this up, you know?
Well, you didn't.
Thanks.
It turned out well for you.
Yeah, yeah. It was a very well out well for you. Yeah, yeah.
It was a very well-received movie.
Yeah, yeah.
It's weird because you,
I think this happens sometimes with writers
that you really like.
You almost don't want to know anything about them
other than the stuff you're reading.
And I think that's become impossible the last 30 years,
especially now that we have social media
and things like that. You're always going to have insight on the person
too. I think what was interesting about him, his stuff was so personal, but I also didn't really
know that much about him. And the only clues you could really find were in his actual work.
Yes. So it was one of those things, especially after he died, where you're just like, man,
and you go on this deep dive and you read all these different things about him and people knew him and he still didn't
really have a feel for him. I think it's why the movie, that particular movie is really interesting
in that it is, it's a real three or four days that he spent with this Rolling Stone writer where
it was all being recorded by the Rolling Stone writer, David Lipsky. So we had the full recordings and it was the closest you can get to seeing what someone like that is like at rest.
Yeah.
It took like a day for him to get there because he's on guard for the first period.
But he says this thing.
He says this thing in there that really stuck with me that I think about a lot.
He says to David Lipsky, it's not in the movie,
it's just on these recordings.
We all have this other voice.
It's the voice that either tells us we're doing fine
or that we're a piece of shit.
Yeah.
And I've realized that my job is to make friends with that voice.
I think about it all the time.
It's a good one.
Yeah, yeah. This,
this constant war we're in, in our heads, like that's, that's going to be the most intimate
relationship we have our whole lives, isn't it? But he ultimately, I mean, he couldn't navigate
that war. It was one of the reasons he had so many issues. It was like, he was so far in his own head.
Yeah. Well, there's a great commencement speech he gave called This Is Water.
And you watch it and I think that what makes it so accessible and profound is that it is someone talking to you on your level about some really important ideas because you know that they're struggling with these same things.
They're not talking at you. It's not an enlightened philosopher telling you this
thing that always feels unattainable to me. It's somebody who I know is right where I am at times
of, man, this shit is more complicated than I thought. I did all of the things everyone told me I was supposed to do. And I still feel really confused or scared or this impending sense of doom.
So what do I do now?
Right.
You know, because it seems like checking things off this American list isn't going to get me there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We did a rewatch of what was about forgetting Sarah Marshall last year.
Cool.
And did a, I did a, we have this Marshall last year oh cool and did a we have this whole
we have categories
and did a whole bunch
of research on it
and all that stuff
so I knew some of the
how appetite was just
basically like
yeah man go
yeah
go write this now
but I think what's
what's really cool
about that movie
all these years later
is how fucking
rewatchable it is
and that's why we did
a pod about it
where you can kind of,
you can kind of dive in at any point of the movie.
Yeah.
If he's in Hawaii,
it's like,
Oh,
this part.
Oh yeah.
All right.
I'll stick in for 15 minutes.
And then Rudd comes in and it's like,
Oh,
Rudd's here.
Yeah.
And then you're kind of sucked in for an hour.
Yeah.
There was a special one for me too,
because I,
uh,
I was really unsavvy.
And so I wasn't writing from any place of strategy.
I was just writing what I thought was good and what I thought was funny.
The movie ends with a lavish Dracula puppet musical.
It's interesting because when I talk about dispatches, I'm not trying to segue,
but there was a part of me when I started to write that where I thought to myself, man, at 35, which is when I started to write the show, you don't have the balls to be the guy who wrote the Dracula puppet musical.
Right. Like something along that decade became too conscious of trying to have stuff be popular or successful or any of that.
And it was really helpful for me to think about both the full frontal nudity in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the Dracula puppet musical where I was like, just do what you think is really interesting and funny and would make you laugh and like what you like,
you know? Yeah. I watched it with my daughter. Oh no, no, no, but no, no, hold on. Knowing the two scenes, I'm really good with the, I really want my kids to be funny and have sense of humor
and I want to watch, and I don't want to watch like the watered down TBS version. Yeah. So I'll
know what scenes, so it's like, oh, here's a scene where he's going to be naked.
I'm just going to fast forward this.
She'll, you know,
I'm like, look away, fast forward,
go to the next scene.
Yeah.
And then there's a scene
where they're both having sex
in different rooms.
I'm like, all right,
we're fast forwarding over this.
But so it's like,
you don't need to know
what happens here,
but there's some sex.
It's like, great.
And then I forgot
you got naked again at the end.
Yeah, I get you at the end too.
So we're just watching it
all of a sudden.
I was like, oh no!
And she's like, dad!
It was fine.
It was fine.
We worked it out.
But yeah.
But no, it's, I mean, for the most part,
it's only a couple of scenes,
but what I learned is just do the Comedy Central version.
Yeah, the airplane version.
Yeah.
They're much better at cutting that out.
Did you know what you had with Mila Kunis in that movie?
Because at that point, she's just a TV actress.
She hadn't shown that she's somebody who could lead a movie.
And then she jumped off the screen in that thing.
Yeah.
Well, we did improv auditions with everybody.
Oh.
Yeah.
And nobody was famous enough at that point to not do the auditions,
which was really helpful actually,
because we could see what the chemistry was.
A lot of times if somebody's already successful,
they're like an offer only.
And so that's when much more faith is involved.
But we improv these scenes and she was just so no bullshit in a way that was perfect for that character.
Kristen Bell was perfect for her character.
And then the big surprise was Russell Brand.
Because that part was written to be like an uptight British author.
Like a Hugh Grant type. That was really like really straight laced
and buttoned up, but just way better than me, you know? And, and so people were coming in and
they were doing these fake British accents and trying to be real posh and all this. And Russell
came in, I'll never forget in his full Russell regalia and sort of sat down and he said,
you'll have to forgive me, mate. I've only
had a chance to take a cursory glance of your little script. Perhaps you should tell me what
it is you require. And I was like, oh, it's this guy. Yeah. This changes everything. This has to
be the guy. Yeah. And so this goes back to the lessons of Judd. So then you rewrite. Yeah. You
don't try to change Russell Brand intoon to something else you write towards him
so we rewrote the whole script nick stoller and i for um for russell and i i honestly think that's
why the movie's successful that that character is what makes the whole thing elevate and then
the the fake mbc procedural stuff yeah but you could have made like 20 of those.
Yeah, I think we made a couple more.
There's some on like the Blu-ray or something, right?
It's my favorite thing in the world.
Yeah.
So who has that idea?
And then you probably become obsessed with that, right?
Oh, God.
Oh, I thought of another one.
I wrote a rough one.
I think I wrote crime scene, scene of the crime,
and I think Nick Stoller wrote Pet Detective or whichever one that was, Pet Psychic or whatever.
But it was really fun to think about those.
Those are easy.
Procedurals are really fun to make fun of.
There could have been 20 of those.
Nick Stoller has done a lot of stuff since.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you catch him early with that?
We worked together on Undeclared.
Yeah. He was a writer on Undeclared. He read, so we all read each other's scripts back in that time and give
each other notes. And we do these big table reads where all of this little community we had would
come and give notes. So Nick liked the script and said, hey, I think I know how to direct this.
And so that was a match made in heaven. I had never starred in a movie or written a movie.
Nick had never directed.
So like we were truly, yeah, it was perfect in a way.
We didn't know that it was hard.
Plus you stumbled into the Adam Sandler formula of if you're going to film a comedy, go somewhere awesome.
So smart.
I felt like we tricked everyone.
Yeah.
That's Sandler every three movies.
He's like, I'm going somewhere. I've always wanted to go. I don't know if that's possible. I caught him out
on that in this podcast. You did? He's like, come on. Yeah. He's probably pretty open about it,
right? Oh yeah. Yeah. To me, I say it's integral to the plot, but. Listen, they have to be in
Hawaii and specifically Kapalua. Yeah. It was, I mean, it was a dream come true. Like you said,
I mean, I think that era of movies is true like you said I mean I think that era
of movies is sort of
gone
I don't know that you can
do
do that kind of stuff anymore
yeah people
when Todd Phillips
is making the Joker
yeah
movie
that's I think
I think we're in a weird
place with comedy
yeah
what happens
when you're on a show
like uh
How I Met Your Mother
and it's successful
yeah
and you're making money and it's great
and everyone says how like you show up
for a sitcom
it's actually a great gig once it gets going
you're there set hours
you only have to perform one time a week
and at some point some of the people
either that or with the drama
they're just like I don't want to do this anymore
and they'll try to get out
like fifth season, sixth season.
Maybe like in the case of like Sherry Stringfield on ER, she tried to get out after three seasons.
She's like, I don't want to do this anymore.
This sucks.
Yeah.
What happens to people mentally with that?
Where they just, is it like you don't get challenged by it or what's going on?
Yeah.
Well, I had it right in front of me actually.
Like it wasn't hypothetical.
So I was doing these movies over the break and doing the TV show during the year.
And there was definitely a huge part of me that was thinking, oh, I could just be doing these movies.
And it's just more interesting or it's more money or both?
The money.
No, it's not the money because the money on the show is really nice.
Also, I think it's more the, um, for me at the time, my, my perspective has really changed
with some distance from it at the time.
You're 26, 27 years old.
You're a kid.
I felt like I was working with the cool kids in the movies and that the TV show was very
mainstream and, uh, that there was something cool kids in the movies and that the TV show was very mainstream and
that there was something
cooler about doing the movies.
It's only with some distance that I look
back as like a grown man and think
oh you
hit the lottery.
Both financially
but then also like
those were the nicest people in the world.
It was like a really loving environment.
We took care of each other.
It felt really special.
At the time, I had a little bit of a hard time seeing it because I thought, like, oh, what I could be if I had total freedom.
Because they had to, like, talk you into going into the last season, right?
Yeah. You're pretty much out. No, no. Well, I went to go do a couple movies on the last season.
And so my schedule became really difficult, but they accommodated me. They were very, very kind.
But yeah, I think by, you know, by the time you get to nine years, that was longer than I'd spent
with anybody. Right. Except my family. Yeah.
I mean, that's like twice the length of any school I had attended.
Yeah, it was a really long time.
They're like, hey, what if we make you a judge?
You get to wear a robe.
You can decide a case.
I never saw it until now.
That's exactly what they did.
He'll be a man of esteem.
Yeah, I'm like, I want to be taken seriously as an actor. No problem, judge.
Judge, sir.
If you've seen a show called Judging
Amy, it's really special.
Yeah.
Another thing about
10 years at that point,
because it ends up being around 10 years. That was
24 when I started.
34 when I finished.
And so I was like a, I was like suddenly a man.
Right.
I was a whole different person.
And, you know, the premise of trying to find the girl of your dreams is really interesting at 24.
And I think by the time you reach 34, I had some life experience and wanted to make art about different stuff.
And your family was in L.A. this entire time?
Yeah.
So you're just working in L.A. as a super successful actor and then you could be like, hey, I'm coming over tonight, Dad.
Yeah.
Coming over for chicken tonight.
You know, I didn't do it enough as I wish I had.
I do it a lot more now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And my brother was in Boston.
Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah.
My brother was, my whole family's Boston.
We have a clothing store out there called Mr. Sid's in Newton.
Really?
Newton?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
So shout out to Mr. Sid's.
That's like three generations of seagulls.
There's like, I don't know, some huge number of my relatives.
Mr. Sid's isn't tuxedos, is it?
It used to be tuxedos.
Oh, yeah.
I feel like I've rented from Mr. Sidd's.
Yes, yes.
When I was living there.
Wow.
Yes, they've now expanded into all sorts of leisure wear.
All kinds of leisure wear.
Yeah.
You were big in the tabloids back then.
What was true and not true?
What was it like reading about your stuff?
People saying this, that, the other thing.
He's dating this.
He's going through whatever.
I never look at any of it.
Did people in your life go, hey, man, what's going on here?
Not in relation to tabloids.
Yeah.
Just in relation to being my friends or my intimates.
You know what I mean?
Well, you're a single guy in LA.
You must have been thrown.
That was the height of the Us Weekly era.
Yeah, it was a really weird time.
I feel like that all calmed down a little bit when the iPhone was invented.
Because people were sharing their own pictures and their own Instagram and their own Twitter and all that.
Yeah, I think social media killed Robertson Boulevard.
That's one of my weird theories.
Remember Robertson Boulevard was such a thing and the celebrities would walk down and it'd be like paris hilton was outside the ivy today yeah there's a
picture now it's like paris hilton could just take a selfie and there she is well it would also just
be living your life like you get photographed uh coming out of like a grocery store right and
the thing about being when someone jumps out and takes a picture of you, is you feel like you've been caught.
Yeah.
Like you've done something wrong.
Yeah.
And so there's like an hour where you're like, is what just happened okay?
Yeah.
And then you're like, oh, everything's fine.
I was, Affleck was always holding a Starbucks coffee coming out of some Palisade Starbucks.
Yeah.
And it was like, Ben Affleck, he's just like us.
He gets coffee.
I'm like, really?
It's kind of hard to believe that worked as a model as a magazine for 10 years.
Look at Ben Affleck.
He's getting his garbage.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
My life's very calm now, and it is much more like Jason Segel in another plaid shirt.
You know, there's not much to report on.
Jason Segel getting a green tee.
Yeah.
Is that Buck Mason, what you're wearing?
It is Buck Mason.
Yeah, I'm wearing a lot of Buck Mason myself.
Buck Mason.
Shout out to him.
Men of a certain age.
Tell the AMC what's going on with this show.
And how many episodes is it?
What are we supposed to look for?
Is it on demand?
It's not on demand yet.
I looked for it last night.
No, it's, no, no, no.
It hasn't come out yet.
It starts March 1st.
Right.
After Walking Dead.
I thought they would put the, put the first one on demand, but no.
God forbid.
I think they do actually after it airs.
Okay.
I think it airs and then you can get it.
I'm not sure.
So give us the one minute explanation of the show.
Sure.
What happened to me in real life was I couldn't figure out what to
write about. Yeah. And I spent a long time trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. And
then one day I was walking down a street and I saw a flyer on a lamppost that said dolphin
communications testing. And I'm interested in stuff. I had a hunch that it led somewhere,
but there's nothing pointing you towards it. Yeah. So I called the number and it turned out to be part of this very weird social experiment that was happening in San
Francisco at the time. Really? Yes. And basically I went through this induction and by the time I
was done doing this strange experiment, I knew what I wanted to write about. So it's about four
people, myself, Sally Field, Andre Benjamin, and Eve Lindley, four different people. Yes. In four
states of existential crisis who participate in this really unique game experiments and are trying
to find the thing that is missing in their lives. Is this a show that could go on for nine seasons,
or is it like a short show?
This is 10 episodes.
That's it?
Yeah.
Did you tell Sally Field how incredible she was in Smoking the Bandit?
I told Sally Field how incredible she was every chance I got.
She doesn't get, because she's won Oscars and stuff.
Yeah.
So the Smoking the Bandit type roles have slipped through the cracks.
Yeah.
But her and Burt, all time. and stuff. Yeah. So the smoking the bandit type roles have slipped through the cracks. But
her and Bert
all time.
Yeah.
They're the best.
All time.
That movie is just him
driving around in a fucking car
with a truck behind him.
There's no plot.
Yeah.
And it's just like
five minute scenes
of him and Sally Field
just flirting with each other.
It's like this is great.
Yeah.
That movie never gets made now.
She's a badass. She really is. It's very easy to think of Sally Field just flirting with each other. It's like, this is great. Yeah. This movie never gets made now. She's a badass.
She really is.
It's very easy to think of Sally Field as like sweet Sally Field, but she is a badass woman.
Or like Forrest Gump's mom.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Is she in Steel Magnolias?
She's been in, I mean, she's had an amazing career.
Yeah.
So in addition to that persona, she's also just, she's really amazing.
When I was growing up, it was her and Meryl Streep.
Maybe Sissy Spacek, I can't remember.
But there was only a couple of kind of monster actresses that you're like,
oh, if there's a really important part, it will be one of these people that get it.
Sissy Spacek took a big break.
She did.
Yeah, Sissy Spacek and Badlands is like perhaps my favorite performance.
Those were kind of the three.
Yeah.
All right, so The White Shadow.
Yeah.
We'll figure that out later.
Judge Sir.
Along with Judge Sir.
Yeah.
Those two.
Yeah.
And then your show starts March 1st.
It starts March 1st.
It's a two-night premiere.
So we have the first episode on Sunday night after Walking Dead,
second episode after Better Call Saul,
and then it's once weekly after Better Call Saul.
But the show itself is an adventure that mirrors what I went through,
the real experiment.
So as much as you want to be involved in the show, we let you participate.
Oh, good.
It sounds really interesting.
It's cool, man.
Funniest person you've ever been on a set with?
Oh, wow.
I think that Jonah Hill has the most encyclopedic knowledge of references, perfect references for any joke occasion.
Interesting.
As fast as anyone I've been around.
Best actor you've ever worked with?
Oh, I've worked with a bunch of really amazing ones.
I got lucky.
Anybody that made you feel incompetent or insecure
about your own acting because they were so ridiculous?
I was in awe of working with Robert Redford.
Oh.
Yes.
Where was that?
I did a movie called The Discovery, a Netflix movie,
a few years ago where Robert Redford
played my dad.
And there are some-
Yeah, it was really cool.
I've worked with a lot of great actors, but there were some moments when Robert Redford
would go what I can only describe as full Redford.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where he turns to you.
It's like the turn is perfect, and then the smile is perfect, and the conflicted look
is perfect.
And I'm like, oh.
Jesus. Right. Yeah. It'm like, oh. Jesus.
Right.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, you're full Redford right now.
I've been watching a lot of 70s movies because I've just worn out the movies from the last 30 years.
I just have nowhere to go with any of them.
So I've been circling back and I just watched him in The Candidate, which is a really relevant movie for right now just because we're in this whole election process.
And the themes really aren't that different
of how you basically try to blow up somebody's candidacy.
And he is amazing in that.
Yeah.
I think you can release that movie right now
and people would not be disappointed.
He's also a guy who's been doing it right
for his entire career.
He also, talk about getting in at the right time,
he bought a mountain.
Yeah.
Like he owns a mountain next to Sundance.
You know,
you did well when you're buying mountains.
I think they're all taken.
I didn't take that mountain.
Yeah.
Good luck with the show.
This was fun.
Thanks for being on. Yeah.
Thanks,
man.
I had a blast.
All right.
Before we get to Corolla,
chances are you've heard of Salesforce, but if you're like a lot of people, you don't know exactly what Salesforce on. Yeah, thanks, man. I had a blast. All right, before we get to Corolla, chances are you've heard of Salesforce,
but if you're like a lot of people,
you don't know exactly what Salesforce does.
Well, here's what they do.
They bring companies and customers together,
different employees across different departments,
say Steven Sales, Mary Marketing,
Katie Customer Service, whatever.
They all get a single shared 306 degree view
of each of your customers.
That means two things. First, whenever your customers talk with any of the people I just mentioned,
they'll feel like they're having a relationship with one united company, not a series of
disconnected departments, which is important. Second, even more important, all those people
I mentioned have everything they need to make your customers happy, not just a little happy,
happy like, wow, I love this company. They really get me. You know what else I love?
One of my oldest friends in the world, Steve Bishop,
he worked for there for a while and still works there.
And I've mentioned him in these reads
and people have come up to him and been like,
hey, are you the Bish from Bill's podcast?
Because I know he's my friend Bish.
He actually, I think he's okay with it.
Nice.
I think he liked the little positive notoriety, but yeah, my friend Bish. He actually, I think he's okay with it. Nice. I think he liked the little positive notoriety,
but yeah, that's Bish.
And at some point, if we do more of these reads,
I'll tell the story about how Bish got a four
on his AP bio exam because it's an awesome story.
I should just have him in and tell that story.
When your customers are that happy, everyone's happy.
That's how Salesforce brings companies
and customers together.
Like it's a four and an AP bio test.
If that makes sense to learn more, visit salesforce.com slash learn more.
And now without further ado, Adam Carolla.
All right.
Adam Carolla said we're taping this on a Monday.
He recently celebrated his 40th anniversary of masturbation.
11.
You have a splint on your hand.
11, well, God.
I think you really celebrated it.
No, well, this is good.
Good timing.
Crazily, 11th anniversary of podcasting today.
11 years.
Really?
And I thank you because I don't know when I did your first podcast from your garage.
I know exactly when it was.
At your old house.
What was that date?
It was May 2007.
Wow.
So I started...
When I didn't even have two microphones in my little guest house, my house in the back,
and you had to call in from my landline and wander around the backyard 20 feet away from
me, and we did a podcast that way.
Early technology.
I couldn't stand in the room you were in because it would feed back over the mic.
So you're just wandering outside the...
I think people forget there was a thing between the phone that was mounted on the wall in the kitchen and your mobile phone.
It was a phone that was a cordless phone.
Yep.
And that's what I was using.
Right. Back in the day. Standing. And that's what I was using. Right.
Back in the day.
Standing in the driveway.
All right, crazy.
So now I'm 11 years in.
You're 13 years in or so, something like that?
Yeah, this is going to be in May.
It'll be 13 years.
But when you...
Jesus Christ.
So you were doing your radio show.
I was doing my radio show.
I would stop by on my way home from the radio show.
Right.
I would go by your first house out in the garage,
and then your second house in the den, basically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We moved from the garage, or you moved from the garage to the den.
Really primitive equipment.
Now, the equipment's actually pretty nice, though.
Anybody can start a podcast, and it can sound pretty decent.
Back then, not the case.
It was funny
i want to do this thing called rich man poor man which is something i came up with when i was at
kimmel with you i think a million years ago and i'll i'll launch into it or maybe i'll just get
into it now because the podcast yeah does kyle know that podcast kind of reminds me of this
doing a pod so a million years ago it's a game i play on my podcast and of reminds me of this. Doing a pod. So a million years ago, it's a game I play on my podcast,
and people tweet me them all day, and they make me laugh.
So when we were at Kimmel, and we're sitting around the writer's table,
you know, 13, 15, I don't know, 15 years ago?
15 years ago.
15 years ago.
I was sitting there, and I thought, an outdoor shower.
I thought, if you're taking an outdoor shower, you're either super rich or super poor.
With no in-between.
No, the middle class doesn't take an outdoor shower.
You're either by the pool cabana, just had a tennis lesson, and you're showering up in
your front yard, just made of dirt, and you're standing in a tub with a busted hose.
So this is rich man, poor man.
And somebody tweeted me, building your own podcast studio is like rich man, poor man.
You're either physically making a studio, or you're in your apartment, and you've got a folding table, and your mom's helping you set it up in the kitchen.
Yeah.
Right.
All right.
So you ready for rich man, poor man?
That's a really good rich man, poor man.
People give you clothing and hope you wear them,
like the red carpet versus the goodwill.
Oh, yeah, like when Beyonce is at the Grammys.
Right, you get free clothes and people hope you wear them.
Or when you donate free clothes to that family,
you hope they put them on. When you donate free clothes to that family, you know, you hope they put them on.
When you go into a fancy department store,
somebody who works at that department store
runs toward you screaming, may I help you?
That's a rich man, poor man right there.
You have a refrigerator in your yard.
Could either be Amstel lights in the back
next to the pool and the tennis court,
or there's raccoons screwing in it,
and it's just laying open.
But it's refrigerator in yard.
Here's one you have to think about,
but it's very true with me.
Never eaten at an Outback steakhouse i was too poor
to afford an outback steakhouse and now i'm way too rich to eat in an outback steakhouse we're
going to morton's or lauren's or whatever it is i've never eaten at outback steakhouse because
i've been too poor and too rich i did ugly Ugly Delicious with Chang for his Netflix show.
It comes out in, I think, March 6th. And we went to Outback Steakhouse.
That was our thing.
It was about different ways to make steak.
I had never been.
Ironically, though.
It was really good.
But you may have been rich man, poor man, too,
without Outback Steakhouse.
True.
When you were 23,
you couldn't afford Outback Steakhouse.
I'd never been in my entire life.
Now you're too wealthy.
All right. Thank you. ford outback i've never been in my entire life now you're too you're too wealthy all right thank you drives a car that no longer exists a car make that no longer like a delorean so no like yeah
like leno drives a dusenberg around and my stepdad drives a 74 amc Matador, but both defunct.
Rich and poor.
Has had sex near a fountain.
Picture that big fountain at Griffith Park. This is like the Kennedy compound in Martha's Vineyard.
It's not a middle class move.
I'm saying it's either a compound or it's the fountain off of Los Feliz
and Griffith Park,
and you're just on the ground.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
Possibly in the fountain.
I don't know.
Leaning against the fountain.
All right, I got a couple more.
Greatly affected by raising the minimum wage.
You either work at the Taco Bell
or you own 128 of them.
Right.
I got one more um
lives next door to a rapper you're either with kim and kanye in calabasas or you're in some
miniature apartment in van eyes you got some white kid next to you who's super skinny and 14. He goes
by the handle mayonnaise and he's
like rapping all day. Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise. That's my white rap
name. Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise.
My son's rap name is melatonin.
It really
is.
Alright, so those are my rich man
I like that you immediately launched into your act.
I wasn't expecting that.
I've been really, you know, the thing that's funny about rich man poor man, I've been screwing
around with it for a million years.
Now you're honing it like a golf swing almost.
And like 10 years ago, I was in a parking lot on CBS Radford and I go, I saw Jerry Seinfeld.
Like I was like, ooh, I saw Jerry Seinfeld like I was like oh there's Jerry Seinfeld and I know
like I don't really know him but maybe we know who we are and he just walked right up to me and he
goes that rich man poor man bit that's your bit like that's your that's your signature bit and
I'm like it is like I just screw around with it Jesus but I started thinking you know who you're
gonna you know no one you're gonna take notes from Seinfeld and stand up.
So I just started writing them down.
Right.
I felt like you had a lot of signature bits.
That's for prom.
A lot means none.
When we found each other in the Kimmel writers room, I'd never had anyone else in my life
who was willing to talk for 45 straight minutes about terrible movies on cable.
Oh, man. And that was really how we bonded. about terrible movies on cable. Oh, man.
And that was really how we bonded.
I got one planned for you today, man.
Oh, you're doing a fake movie later?
I got a fake movie later.
And I, look, I don't want to, you know,
you always want to under-promise and over-deliver.
Yeah.
And I want to manage expectations.
But I think you're going to love this one.
Okay, great.
You're going to love this one. We have a lot to talk about. Well think you're going to love this one. You're going to love this.
We have a lot to talk about.
Well, you were going to watch this anyway,
but I wanted you to watch Wilder Fury, the rematch on Saturday night.
It was the most anticipated heavyweight fight in a long time.
It was a fascinating event that lost me money, as always.
I was trying to figure out a way to lose money on sporting events.
And now Fury is looming now that
he's got his shit together.
That's pretty much the most
imposing heavyweight
champ we've had probably since
Lennox Lewis when we thought Lennox Lewis
was really good. 6'9", 270,
has his shit together
in a lot of different ways now. Has the
ringmanship, has power.
He can clinch with the guy and then put the guy, bend him down
and just kind of wear him down.
And I'm not totally sure how you beat him the way he looked on Saturday night.
You know, there's certain guys, I think, I always said this about like
John Jones in the UFC.
I said, nobody's going to beat John Jones.
John Jones can beat himself.
He can get into drugs. He can get into drugs.
He can get into trouble.
He can run around with the wrong people.
But as long as he stays focused and trains and is healthy,
no one's going to beat John Jones.
And it turns out he did get into trouble,
and he did screw himself.
He still hasn't gotten beaten,
but it screwed him up a little bit.
I feel like Tyson Fury,
I'd say the same thing about him.
If he trains, he doesn't drink
37 diet cokes a day and stays focused I'm not sure who in this modern era is going to beat him I
don't think Anthony Joshua's going to beat him I don't know certainly Ruiz is not going to be I
mean there's a couple guys out there but I don't think so because he has skills for a guy who's that long.
So boxing is like gymnastics, you know, like gymnastics, like a bunch of guys that are
five foot seven because guys that are six three can't tumble that way and can't do all
that.
And boxing historically was always that way.
You see the middle weight guys looking like real sharpshooters and stuff.
And you see the heavyweights, especially when they got into the super super heavyweights they look kind of clumsy and gangly or whatever he's a guy who's
six nine he has a wingspan like a condor and he has form which you never formally saw like in the
past mike tyson you know five ten and a half could beat a guy who was 6'5", because the 6'5 guy was like too gangly.
Then Lennox Lewis was like, and then the Klitschko's, were like the first real tall guys who also had form.
He's now taking it to the next level.
There was a knockdown in that fight where he switched from an orthodox stance to like a southpaw stance,
sort of in the middle of a punch through a left hook and
then went right to the liver with a left with another left and you don't see really long
heavyweights like super heavyweights doing that shot where they take their bad arm their left arm
they throw a good hook to the head and then go right back to the body with that that's middle
weight activity so if you're gonna have a guy like that, who's that size, who has that kind of reach over everybody, good luck.
I watched it again to prepare for this. And I was so surprised by how easily he was able to get two
punches in as Wilder was loading up his right hand. And Wilder's plan was like, I don't mind taking some punches because eventually I'm
knocking you out with my right hand.
And just every time Fury was one, two, one, two, moving forward, had him moving back and
was just quicker each time for a 6'9 guy.
That seems like impossible.
Yeah.
And also when you're Wilder, and I mean, we saw it with Tyson at some point, when you're wilder and i mean we saw it with tyson at some point when you're used
to being the bully and then you get bullied you just don't have another gear you can shift into
yeah you're the bully that's how it works once buster douglas starts coming out there firing
jabs and throwing the right behind it you don't really have a plan for that you have you have the
michael spinks i'm gonna go hide in the corner plan but you don't really have a plan for that. You have the Michael Spinks, I'm going to go hide in the corner plan,
but you don't really have the guy coming after you.
That's a good – the Douglas thing is a good example
because that whole fight, he's just beating Tyson.
Each time they're about to exchange and Mike thinks,
oh, I'm going to get him this time.
Douglas is like, one, two, boom.
Yeah, and Douglas is a guy who's fighting Tyson
when everyone else is scared.
So fighting Tyson back in the day,
it used to be like being abducted by terrorists
if you were like a camera crew in Baghdad or something.
It's like, you got one chance.
Once you get into the van, it's over.
And you go, well, what are my chances outside of the van? It's like, not very good, but that's it's over you know and you go well what are my chances outside of the van it's like not
very good but that's your chance right you'll get up there and trade and throw haymakers if you're
in there trying not to get hurt Tyson walks you down and destroys you and you watch a lot of those
Tyson fights a lot of those guys made the decision to get in the get in the van right like they didn't
want to just go out and throw a haymaker. They're moving backwards.
They're looking out for stuff, and
they get dropped every time. Well, Wider
didn't want to move backwards by
after he got nailed a few
times, all of a sudden was going
backwards, and he was going against the ropes and
doing stuff that I hadn't
really seen him do before. Also, I can
tell you from being hit behind
the head by Mario Lopez he was never the same.
By Mario Lopez.
I sparred with Mario Lopez once
and he clocked me behind the head real good.
Yeah.
You get hit behind the head,
you're not right for a week.
Right.
Like you get busted in the nose,
busted in the eye, busted in the mouth.
It hurts.
Hit behind the head is super,
you're disoriented for a long period of time and that's
why it's illegal that's why it's illegal and the thing about it is is they do it and then the ref
goes hey man no more of that meanwhile the guys on on on mars over there because you just hit him
when that shot you thought hit him in the ear really hit him behind the head and he went down
you feel like a weird little electric shock
go through your foot when you get hit that way.
It's literally like your circuits get disrupted.
And then when you get up,
I don't care how much toweling off
and sponge water you get in the corner,
you're not right for days.
You've been concussed.
Well, it's going to be too hard for me
to find the text I sent to Sal,
but I was talking about the fight over the weekend.
I was like, I think Fury's a fraud.
I don't believe in him at all.
I think this is ridiculous.
I think Wilder is going to absolutely knock him out.
My bet is on Wilder minus 110 by knockout.
Fury has no chance.
This guy is going to be in the WWE in six months.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I picked Wilder, knockout, and the seventh.
You think Tyson Fury, if he keeps his shit together,
he's here for the long haul.
He's 30, 31.
He's young.
Do you know what's crazy?
For heavyweight.
He is basically the same size as LeBron James.
And I think LeBron might even be 10, 15 pounds heavier than him.
But he's 6'9", 270.
And you just think, like, in the NBA, this guy's a power forward.
Right.
In the NFL, he's actually too big to be a tight end.
Right.
So if he's going to have the ringmanship that he has,
I don't really—and he keeps his nose clean and all that stuff i don't really see the game
plan to beat him uh i guess you trade punches with him and hope you knock him down first that's
about it i i think that if he stays clean and stays focused and also heavyweights you can fight
to your 42 you know right and he's 30 or 31 i mean he could have a decade long reign he he really he really
could and i i don't know what you know i you know maybe wilder could change up some of his training
and put on a little muscle or yeah something and come back but it's also when you've been
beaten down like when you've when you've really been disrupted emotionally, like while they're like, I don't know if he comes back emotionally from this.
He'll come back physically.
But when you really get busted up, it's tough psychologically to come back.
I want to talk about fatherhood with you.
Yeah.
Your kids are 13?
Yep.
You have twins.
Yep.
I have a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old.
So it's like we're even.
Yeah, we're pretty much even.
Combined age.
At some point, it's adorable to have kids for years and years.
And then at some point, they just become people who are renting a room in your house.
Yeah.
And occasionally you cross paths with them.
They're not that interested in hanging out with us anymore no as a matter of fact sadly when i was driving in i was just listening to the the kobe memorial yeah and they were talking about his
daughter and his other daughters and i was like they're so much better than my kids like they
love doing homework they helped each other they spoke mand Mandarin. Yeah, they hugged all the time.
I felt the same way.
I was like, I have a terrible relationship with my kids, apparently.
My kid's in his room playing Fortnite, and when I walk in, he yells, get the Grubhub
guy and bust it in.
And then he yells, good talk.
Talk to you in college.
Like, what the hell?
Who's?
Now, I get it.
Like, maybe there's a little hyperbole there,
but all I could think of is these kids were so much better than my kids.
Do you think we would have been the same way with all the devices when we were 13?
I mean, tougher for you.
I was probably a little closer to my parents than you were.
But I think there's so many ways to just disappear now with all the technology.
You don't even really need human interaction.
I literally said to my son last night
when I walked in and he was wearing
his time-life operator headset
and looking at his phone and battling someone.
Talking to somebody who lives in the Philippines.
Yeah, probably talking to some pedophile in Ukraine
who thought he was 13, you know.
I just looked at him and I said,
and he's got the,
he's got the Shake Shack burger containers, like stacked up pyramid on top of his desk,
all spent. And I just looked at him and I said, look, I'm being serious. When you're in therapy
later, don't blame me. I told you to get away from this. I said, stop it, go outside and,
you know, kick a hacky sack around or play some ditch or something.
So remember, when you're sitting with your therapist,
don't pin it on me.
Don't do that thing where it's like,
they should have never let me.
Don't.
I tried 1,000 times.
This is your decision.
Leave me out of it.
Well, it's so funny.
The 40th anniversary of the Olympic hockey team was this weekend.
I watched it last night.
Yeah, and then Marica was on all this stuff.
And I have a really
hard time explaining to people under 30 what like a transformative moment it was and it mostly hit
through the fact that we didn't have a lot to do in 1980 right we had like the 10 channels
we know it on a friday you might walk down to the local dump and look for playboys and baseball
cards and sports illustrated for this to fall out of the sky, this amazing underdog story,
where it was on tape delay, we didn't have the internet to have it ruined.
And this amazing thing.
And then we all got to share it with each other.
It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
You know, it's interesting back then when there was three stations
and they didn't have the internet and all that kind of stuff.
No video games it took the stuff that were zero burgers like the dukes of hazard and the love boat and all that
kind of stuff and turned it into a 40 share on tv you know like it took the stuff that was a zero
and made it into an eight and then the stuff that was actually something like the american hockey team that then
just turned into an 11 right that just was the biggest thing ever so it took stuff like you know
this nation hockey today i mean cold war it'd get a little traction into today's world but
my son wouldn't be moved by that that that event i'm not really sure what would have
a collective impact like that from a sports standpoint the closest thing we have at this
point is the super bowl but you're never going to have an underdog situation like that and if
right and if we did both you and i would probably end up losing money on it i was watching that and
i forgot the 30 for 30 on it and and I forgot they pulled the goalie.
I mean, during the break, they pulled the goalie,
and it was 2-2.
Like, all right, he gave up two goals.
Oh, yeah, the greatest goalie of all time, Tretiak.
Just took him out.
I get that they're sending a message,
but send the message after you guys win the game,
not during the game.
The Miracle movie, which I was against when I heard about it, because I was like, fuck you.
We don't need a movie about the greatest moment of all time. I'm really glad it happened now.
I like Kurt Russell as Herb Brooks. I think we did a good job with it.
Oh, we definitely did. In Italy.
The worst movie we saw together was Troy. We saw that together?
Yeah, it was almost like a grinder date. I was like, let's together was Troy. We saw that together? Yeah, it was almost like a grinder
date. I was like, let's go see Troy.
I thought it
was the Marine. I thought the Marine was the
worst movie. I kind of enjoyed
the Marine. Troy was bad. Troy was
actively bad. I was
sitting with Chris
Morgan, who writes all the
Fast and Furious movies and produces
all those things, and he's a real nice
guy and he's a neighbor and we just hang out sometimes we'll just go to the local whatever
and have some have some martinis on a Saturday and just talk and I remember once I was saying
to him a few months ago I was like you know I'm it's this weird thing because I'm like I love Fast
and Furious and then I'll go, I love bad movies,
but not that bad.
Right.
Not your movie.
Not yours.
Not yours.
I mean, I like other.
I go, me and Bill Simmons went to see The Marine.
That's how much I love bad movies.
He's like, yeah, that was my movie.
I was like, oh yeah.
You got to be careful because these guys had careers.
Like they did things before they did their franchise.
You know what I mean mean i didn't see
21 bridges in the theater but to me that's like perfect wheelhouse thing i had this night it was
saturday night my son had a sleepover my wife had to go to some event and my daughter was on a date
and i was home for like three and a half hours. I'm like, it's time.
21 bridges.
Right.
Bozeman.
Right.
And,
uh,
I,
I just wish those movies came out once a week.
Yeah.
It was everything I wanted.
It's not going to win the Oscar.
There's,
you know,
there's maybe some bad cops,
little JK Simmons,
Sienna Miller with an accent.
Um,
you know,
the heist gone wrong
always when a heist goes wrong
I'm always there
it was just good
it was solid
I just wish they made more of them
I wish Netflix
their algorithm
which I think is just turning out
true crime
horror movies
rom-coms
but yet when they do like
Triple Threat
and these different
with the one that Frank Grillo was in and things like
that i was like just more of those i figured i know the new algorithm for netflix and tbs and
like all usa i realized that if you add a mother's nightmare behind the title you'll just get everyone
to watch it because all because we have a, which is our wives don't have real problems.
Yeah.
So they have to sit around and watch shows about kids being abducted
so they can actually create problems in their head.
And if you look at these things, every single one of them is tagged with a mother's nightmare.
And once you hear a mother's nightmare
all the women are drawn in is that does that explain the lifetime movie slate yeah they
literally changed one of the names of their titles to a mother's nightmare like that's that's that
sucks in all the moms they all want to have do you go on lifetime runs because i i will go on
runs where i'll just start watching them
for two straight weeks.
And it's always the nanny that comes in.
Basically, they try to keep remaking him, that rocks the cradle
in different ways.
But it's always the nanny, but the mother has a back injury
or she's coming off some medication thing or something.
And it kind of loses control of the steering wheel at home,
and the nanny starts coming in on the dad a little bit.
Yeah.
They just remake that 97 different ways.
Yeah.
And it seems like every time it has an audience.
I don't get it.
The nanny not coming on to the husband
is a father's nightmare.
I'd like to start producing that stuff, where we get get like, remember Tiger's ex-wife, Elon?
She moves in and doesn't find me attractive.
Yeah.
A father's nightmare.
What if I did?
The cold nanny.
A father's nightmare.
We have those situations where I'm in the kitchen in my bathrobe and she's making the
kid eggs and she goes, don't you think that's a little inappropriate,
being in the bathrobe?
And I'm like, it's my house.
And she's like, could you change?
And I just slink out of the room.
A father's nightmare.
I like it.
Let's start developing.
Remember that Shane and Tweed Skinamax movie?
Yeah.
Where she hooked up with everyone in the house?
She was the nanny for, it was a married couple with a son.
Yeah.
And at some point there in the movie,
everyone became involved with Shane and Tweed.
I think it's called Scorned.
It's, you know, what to do today
if you're like a former playmate or a nine,
but you're 37 years old.
In the old days, you had Skinamax.
You had like this whole middle ground of pornography.
Or Baywatch, maybe?
Yeah, you could do an arc on Baywatch,
but there was all like,
my tutor, my whatever,
like you're the person.
And if you're willing to show
a little boobie,
you can get paid.
Now it's either nothing
or you got to go porn.
Or like full porn.
Or like social media influencer influencer i would say would be
the third path yeah but i don't know who's who would be listening to shannon tweed today well
so like what is denise richards would be like this generation's shannon tweed right yeah she's
kind of i guess maybe you do reality maybe you end up on like real housewives yeah yeah you watch
those shows or you stay away from those shows? I watch those shows just for this moment.
Just for this moment.
I lay on top of my bed.
That's full leisure, by the way, when you're on top of all your bedding.
But not under any sheets.
Not under anything.
Certainly not under any obligation to do anything.
Just laying on top.
Yeah.
You got your wife next to you.
The only reason I watch those Real Housewife shows is when at some point my wife will find the housewife she doesn't like.
And she'll go, look at her.
She lays around all day.
She's got a full-time nanny.
She doesn't even have a job.
She doesn't even make her kids. And I go, uh-huh. She's got a full-time nanny. She doesn't even have a job. She doesn't even make
her kids egg. And I go, uh-huh. That's interesting. Let me write this down. By the way, you're not
yelling this down from the roof because you're cleaning the gutters. We're just laying on top
of the bed and the nanny's in the other room making eggs for the kitchen. I find it ironic.
You know, that's what's in it for me. I like that moment.
My wife is watching Love is Blind on Netflix. It's a show where two people,
nobody can see each other, but they spend a lot of time talking and they form these connections
and they decide they're in love and then they meet yeah and then it's like
you're not gonna believe this but it doesn't go as well after they meet it's how it plays out but
it's like 12 episodes the show that ever that that i feel like my computer and my cable tv package
wants me to watch but i just won't watch it is naked and afraid i'veraid. I've done a tour of duty on that show.
My feeling is like I have shows on the internet called Naked and Humping for Free.
Like, I will watch that show.
Naked and Afraid is like seeing fire ants on some guy's junk, you know?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I feel like it's a deal breaker.
I'm amazed by how much they blur out on those shows.
Because remember, you've been in a lot of editing bays.
They're dark.
You always feel bad for the editor.
He's in there for 12 straight hours.
There's some fast food over on the right.
And the guy's just like, he looks like he's doing a tour of duty, basically.
But you add in just blurkeling people's junk for six,
seven hours where like,
Hey,
uh,
kind of saw that guy's sphincter and this one,
can you go back and fix those seven frames?
I saw a hint of a red eye.
Could you take that out?
Like they talk about PTSD with the people that do the Facebook when they get
rid of the videos of that.
I think the editors who do naked and when they get rid of the videos of that I think
the editors who do naked and afraid that would be in the same vicinity right I would have PTSD
from I wonder and PTSD I'm glad you brought that up because it's a theme of my made-up movie that
we're teasing great I wonder if those guys have that PTSD and like I wonder if they have a syndrome like if you do terrestrial radio like I
did terrestrial radio for like 14 years right and then what what'll happen is you'll find yourself
sitting at a bar with your buddies having a few beers like watching a game and you'll go
listen I don't give an F or two S's if that C word wants to give a GD.
And they go like, why don't you just say the word?
And you're like, oh, I'm so used to saying F and S.
Yeah, you're so used to deleting yourself.
I'm editing and deleting.
Like I'm blurring, I'm tiling myself out
because I'm so used to saying it during the week
that I can't shut it off.
And I wonder if that editor when he's
suffering from his PTSD like goes back to his home and when his wife steps out of the shower
and wants to become intimate he sees her genitalia tiled out giant blur girl giant blur like he can
no longer enjoy his wife's form anymore because every time he sees boobies it just looks like a
cloud it could be a syndrome you know what I wanted to talk to you about i haven't talked to you
blurkle syndrome i have some syndromes from you too i haven't do you know that uh i i suffer
from um my wife suffers from canine hydration disorder which is she's obsessed with the dog
and the water and any dog and any water oh making sure they're hydrated my dog down the street had
middle-aged women pull over and offer bottles of water for my dog like once a woman hits 40
she becomes obsessed with the hydration of their dog.
And when my wife isn't, like when she leaves for two days, she's like, she didn't say anything.
She just goes, you make sure Phil's got water.
He's got to have water.
Like, why doesn't he have water?
Like, she'll come back and go, why isn't it?
The kitchen could be on fire.
She'd walk like right past and go, there's no water.
And Phil's, so she has female canine hydration disorder.
That's a good one.
And I, I'd like to invent this because everyone's getting me too'd and everything. So she has female canine hydration disorder. That's a good one.
And I, I'd like to invent this because everyone's getting Me Too'd and everything.
Uh-oh.
Kyle, get the edit button ready.
I have RCS.
I have restless cock syndrome,
which I think many men are afflicted with.
Or just constant adjustment?
It's just, I don't know.
You're never happy with your cock?
It never feels like it's in the right place.
It always wants attention.
You know, it acts out.
I could get a note from Dr. Drew that say,
we all have restless cock syndrome.
And it would cover a lot of troubles.
Yeah, restless cock syndrome.
3.8 billion men are afflicted with restless
especially in the summers it gets really tough
balls get involved
yeah
oh my balls can't
talk them down not with the
restless not with the RCS
if you suffer
hey if you're enjoying this podcast
and I hope you are
it's a pretty good podcast you have to admit check out the bachelor party podcast if you're enjoying this podcast, and I hope you are, it's a pretty good podcast.
You have to admit, check out the Bachelor Party podcast. If you love The Bachelor, hosted by Julia Lippman.
I'm actually on that podcast this week with Mallory Rubin.
We did a fantasy draft of all the possible Bachelorette contestants that could be in
Bachelor in Paradise.
The podcast is completely insane.
If much like that show, you can listen to that.
You can listen to that.
You can listen to Music Exists,
our new podcast with Chuck Klosterman and Chris Ryan that is exclusive to Spotify.
You can also listen to The Hottest Take,
which is exclusive on Spotify,
where me and Carolla are popping up a couple times
because nobody, I mean, his whole life is a hottest take.
We did a couple that you can hear on that feed as well,
only on Spotify.
Check all those out.
Don't forget about book of basketball.
Don't forget about rewatch.
Well,
don't forget about all of the awesome podcasts we have,
especially heading into,
um,
the basketball playoffs here.
Cause we got JJ Reddick on,
we got Vince Carter gone.
We got the ringer MBA show.
We have Rosillo's pod,
all these different avenues talking about basketball.
Check all them out.
The ringer podcast network. you can find us on Spotify
as well as on Apple, on Stitcher, wherever you get your podcasts.
All right, back to Corolla.
Two things that I've been dying to talk to you on a podcast about.
First one, the only person I know who hates the concept of dogs on airplanes
more than me is you.
I did a hottest take about unless unless it's a service dog,
the people that have now decided,
I'm going to get a note from my buddy who's a doctor.
Now I get to bring my golden retriever on the plane with our family
because we don't want to pay for the dog to get boarded for a week.
Sure.
But we really need this dog,
and you just see these people with their golden retriever in their lap,
or they're sitting in first class with a second seat for the dog.
We've lost our minds.
I love animals.
We both have dogs.
We've all lost our minds with the dog thing.
I've been on a few flights.
I was sitting in first class there was another dog
in first class right next to me just right across the aisle and another dog was walking to coach
and they got into like a class warfare battle like they scrapped it out at my feet like they
were going at it yeah the dog who was going into coach didn't like the elite look on the first class dog.
And it's insane that there's a dog fight on a plane.
I would say.
There's also, when we have our next major commercial airline disaster, they're going to have to do that thing where it's like 286 passengers uh nine crew members and 51 dogs like they're
gonna give a dog body count on the next commercial flight right and i think both of our wives would
be more upset about the dogs oh all women oh i know 51 dogs like honestly like if you go if you
said 300 people died on the plane and nine dogs, they'd go, ooh.
Yeah, that's part of that hydration syndrome we're talking about.
But I had two things.
I was flying to Seattle.
You know when you sit in the very front, you have the bulkhead just against you,
and you're in the very front of the plane, and you put your backpack down,
and they go, sir, you can't have your backpack there. You have to stow it up above you because there's no seat to slide it under because there's
no seat in front of you me and mike august got yelled at for putting our backpacks in front of
us meanwhile there's a medium-sized labrador across the aisle laying against and all i'm saying
is is if there's an emergency and we have to exit the plane what's
more difficult like stepping over a transport backpack or stepping over a 90 pound dog who's
on the move panicked running up and down the aisle like you would think the the goal of a plane would
be if there is chaos you would want the people in the plane to be as controlled as possible. I'm positive that dogs can't help.
Would not be a great idea.
And then also, what about the nut, the wackadoodle nut job,
middle-aged broad who you're trying to get off the plane,
but she's going back.
Did you say broad?
Broad.
I'm being pejorative.
We're not allowed to say that anymore.
I called her a wackadoodle.
I called her a nut job, and now I'm calling her broad.
What are you, like Jackie Gleason?
These are pejoratives.
She's going to circle back and go for her dog.
She's not going to want to hit the inflatable slide.
True.
She's going to want to make sure she's got her dog with her.
I was just watching, don't ask why, but my son-
That dame needs to be banned from the airport.
Listen, Missy.
Yeah.
My son and I were watching Amityville Horror with James Brolin.
Yeah.
Which I still feel like is one of the great horror movies of all time.
It's also terrible.
Oh, but yeah.
And he slowly goes insane during the movie from the house.
Sure, the house drives him insane.
Nobody ever makes the larger connection that, oh, five people were shot to death in this
house a year ago.
Maybe there's something wrong with it.
About two-thirds of the way through the movie,
they figure out that the gateway to hell is in the basement.
They still don't move.
Right.
And he's unraveling, losing his mind.
And finally almost ends up killing the family,
snaps out of it.
Blood starts coming out of the stairs,
goo's coming out of the toilet.
And they're like, we got to get the fuck out of here.
Like they're gathering the kids.
They're just sprinting out of this house before it kills them.
They're in the van.
They're about to leave.
And they're like, what about Larry?
Larry the black lab.
And all the kids are looking at him like, dad?
Gets out of the car.
He goes to get Larry.
Goes into this house that is combusting,
has the gateway to hell, has blood goo coming out of the walls.
Larry goes, finds it Larry falls in the basement, gets Larry, brings the dog out.
And I love dogs.
I'm out of there.
Oh, yeah.
I have never had a dog in my life that I'm like,
you're right, we should go back and get the dog.
It's an amazing dog moment.
If I was walking my dog and you pulled over and you said,
I'll trade you this burrito for your dog i wouldn't
say yes but i would say what's in the burrito right like because you know he says if it was a
pork burrito with fresh guac and where's it from yeah if it's chipotle and it's up the street if
it's taco bell i need three burritos if it's chip would ask i'm not saying i trade i just say i was asked
yeah i got a good brolin story for you here's why well you you and josh oh yeah oh no this is a james
but i mean you and josh you've gone a couple around you've hung out with josh he's a fun guy
um bro here's how i know we're doomed when it comes to the whole climate change thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
He lives in Malibu with Babs, right?
Barbara Streisand is very much invested in the movement,
in the climate change and recycling and all the ozone and the Green New Deal.
She's very much invested in that.
I like when people are invested in that,
but then they also fly by private plane.
Yeah, and they also live in like 16,000 square feet,
which is like probably burning a few kilowatts,
but she's into the movement.
He came to do my podcast.
He goes, when we were done doing the podcast,
he goes, you're a car guy, right?
And I go, oh yeah, I'm a car guy.
I showed him all the Newman race cars and everything in the other shop. He goes, well,
check out what I got. He's driving a fully loaded 2016 Ford Raptor. The Ford Raptor is basically
a trophy truck, like 500 or 1,000 miles of Baja, Baja 500 trophy truck,
just street legal.
And then he goes to me,
you know,
I got to 2016 and I said,
well,
why didn't you get a new one?
And he goes,
Oh,
cause after 2016,
they switched to a turbo charge V6.
This has the V8 in it.
And I'm like,
Oh,
it burns more fossil fuels.
Like the guy who's married
to Babs couldn't even drive
an off-road truck. First off,
nobody needs that off-road truck in Los
Angeles. True. But
he's still driving an off-road truck, and he's driving
the one with the naturally aspirated
V8 in it, which gets much worse mileage
than the V6 with the turbo.
I have a Jeep question for you. Yeah.
So, you know those, what are those, Land Rovers from the Defenders?
Defenders, yeah.
From like 94, 95, 96, 97, and they're like impossible to find online.
They only made a few of them.
Jeeps that basically become convertibles, but they're sturdy.
Right.
And then the Jeep Wrangler has tried to make their version of this,
but it's not like the Mac Daddy version.
Why hasn't one of these companies made the Mac Daddy Jeep?
The awesome version of those.
There's a lot of aftermarket companies you could bring your stock Jeep to
and have it done.
Yeah, but why do I have to do that?
Why isn't Jeep doing it?
Why can't they just make an awesome one?
Why does everyone have to soup these up?
This is my car question of the day for you.
Okay.
About 12, God, 15 years ago, VW came out with like the Phaeton or something.
The VW.
The Phaeton.
Yeah, I think it was called the Phaeton.
And it was like a V.
Sounds like a new casino. It was like a W12 cylinder motor in it.
And it was like $100,000.
And it was probably 2005 or 7 or something like that.
04, I see.
What's that?
I see 04 here.
04, right.
And the sticker price was like $97,000.
And nobody would pay $97,000 for a VW.
So that was it. That's our answer.
So they go, who's going to pay $104,000 for a Jeep? Because so many people are into the brand,
you know what I mean? The label. So Genesis just became Genesis. They're not Hyundai Genesis
anymore. They're just Genesis because they realized the Hyundai was holding them down.
Throwing people off.
Right.
So your answer is probably Jeep doesn't think they can make their money back on $107,000 Jeep.
But Jeep can sell a $46,000 product, and then you can take it somewhere and pay them $55,000.
That makes sense.
I knew you'd be able to explain that to me.
How many cars are you up to these days? I have 12 Paul Newman race cars now,
and I'm up to, I don't know, maybe 25 or something.
20, 25 overall.
This is like, you could have just bought baseball cards,
and it would have just been so much easier.
Instead, you have these cars that are super expensive,
and you have to store
in various places but this is like this whole market that it's you and like nine other people
are at this whole other level of car collecting yeah i well i can't imagine anyone has more paul
newman cars than you no no i don't think anyone has more. I don't think anyone has three Paul Newman cars.
But, you know, I drive them.
I mean, I race them too.
So I get to drive them.
At what point do you have to retire from racing?
Because I feel like my reflex is, I turned 50.
I feel like my eyesight and, you remember,
I'm one of the world's great drivers.
Well, I don't.
You saw me in action. We drove home from Vegas. You made it in three hours. Yeah, I'm one of the world's great drivers. What? You saw me in action.
We drove home from Vegas.
You made it in three hours.
Yeah, I'm one of the great ones,
but now I feel like I'm past my prime.
Well, Newman drove until he was like 82.
Did he really?
It's ironic that I have all these Newman cars,
but he drove until-
82 was on the side of his car.
What ends up happening is what you lose a little in reflex and eyesight,
you kind of gain in experience.
So you, I don't know, in a weird way, it's like,
I guess it's like being a quarterback when you're 36 or something.
Like you kind of lose the legs a little bit.
Or 43 in Brady's case.
Or Brady case.
But you know the game better.
Yeah.
Like there's an element of that.
All right, that makes sense.
There's an element of like knowing the game better.
Speaking of Brady and football,
we're now a couple years into this Rams-Chargers experience.
Mm-hmm.
And you're a Rams fan.
Mm-hmm.
Although you're really a fan of whoever you gambled on that week yeah but i like the ramps we're building this out here yeah you're a legit
rams fan but um they're building this giant stadium that looks like it's gonna end up costing
like six billion dollars and yeah it's like two i think i heard it was like two point something
billion no that's what it was supposed to be.
But now we're up toward five.
Because it was way more expensive than they thought.
The weirdest part of this whole thing is that the Chargers are involved.
It's like people don't care about the Clippers,
but at least they're relevant because they've been here a while.
It's an NBA team.
Now they have Kawhi.
The Angels, they're in Anaheim.
There's like Angels fans are just different than Dodgers fans.
It makes sense, the delineation of those two things.
The Kings and the Mighty Ducks, same thing.
In this case, I don't know what the roadmap for success is
for the Chargers in Los Angeles,
where you barely have enough fans for the Rams. A lot
of the people like the Raiders. Most people are transplants, which you invite over to your house
every Sunday to watch football, and everybody's rooting for a team that's not an LA team.
Literally.
What is the path to success for the Chargers? If they hired you and they were like,
please help us out, how do we win in L.A.? What would you tell them?
First thing, they just dealt rivers or rivers is going to go somewhere.
Yeah.
Man, the worst thing that could happen to your team
is to get that quarterback who's good but not great
and he's just there for 13 lackluster.
Like Matthew Stafford.
Yeah, just wins enough to never bench him or deal him never wins any
playoff games never goes to the show but you can never really get rid of him because he's
putting up numbers you know like no wiley on er yeah he can't be the lead of the show but
yeah much better to flame out Ryan Leaf.
Just flame out or go Clooney.
But don't just hang out and put up decent stats.
Do you think if they got Brady,
it would change how people cared about the Chargers in L.A.?
Because I actually don't think people would care.
No, I've been around long enough to remember
when Namath came to the Rams.
Oh, yeah.
Man, was he broken down.
Yeah, he was totally broken down at that point.
And it's just like, yeah, we know the name.
But also, you know, the thing about sports is
you don't get to coast very long on your reputation.
It's like pushing a car with four flat tires.
It's just like all Brady would have to do is have two games in a row where he threw three picks, and it's like it's immediately over.
Who cares?
They'd be calling for whoever the next kid is to come up off the bench.
I think they have to deal.
Rivers will be dealt, and then they'll get some great mobile quarterback from college,
like some highlight reel.
Like Tua.
Trade up for Tua or something.
Yeah, or some young Mike.
Yeah, Tua.
Something like that.
Some exciting, electric, mobile, new breed NFL quarterback.
By the way, the greatest thing to happen michael vick is all these great running
quarterbacks in the league now because we used to just talk about him and dog fighting for like the
last five years and now it's not since michael vick not since michael vick and now all of a sudden
he's back on the happy side of history right definitely the other thing we haven't talked about
so one of the first times you came on my podcast,
you did a whole fake movie for Pedophile,
which was your action movie where a plane carrying the president
lands on this island that has basically escaped from New York
where they've just decided to put all the worst people in the world,
including a lot of pedophiles.
It was a Cub Scout troop originally. It was a Cub Scout troop originally.
It was a Cub Scout troop.
Yeah, yeah, I screwed that up.
So Cub Scout troop, Lance and pedophile,
and then they have to kind of fight their way out.
And we did a couple versions.
It was the most popular fake movie done on my podcast.
Then I get this email all the time.
When are you talking to Kroll about this?
And I don't mean to make light of it,
but we have to at least talk about it jeffrey epstein one of the worst people we've produced in the last
50 years actually had an island yeah that it seemed like terrible stuff was happening and it
seemed like the real life pedophile and it's almost so crazy i can't wrap my head around it. You did it on my 09, maybe, 2009?
This was a running bit we did on a podcast.
Yeah.
Well, I'd like to talk about it, but my attorneys,
I'm suing the estate for ripping off my idea, so I can't.
I hope you didn't get the idea from the podcast.
Well, you know, Garagos has done, I probably shouldn't say it,
but he's done some due diligence, as he calls it.
How fucking crazy was that, though?
Purchased the island in 2011.
Who did we have initially?
Shia LaBeouf was the lead.
It was younger Shia LaBeouf.
I think LaBeouf was in there.
I think Jon Hamm was the dad.
He gets taken down.
Yeah, yeah.
They crash landed.
They have to survive on the island
i think one of the things that i found interesting is the island had broken off into pockets you know
sort of different tribes yeah like when you do those escape from new york's or warrior type
movies you know you run into you know the bear population you run into the an order population i don't even know what's going on anymore but they have the different populations you know, the bear population. You run into the otter population.
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
But they have the different populations, you know.
It's on YouTube if anyone wants to listen to it.
It really is your finest work.
It's powerful.
Listen, I can't believe this whole remake culture we're in now,
especially where they remake movies as TV shows.
I can't believe they haven't redone Escape from New York.
Well, yeah. And make it like Escape from New York. Well, they, yeah.
And make it like, you can do Brooklyn.
Oh, right.
Instead of New York, just make it like,
man, New York's falling apart.
Now we're putting all the criminals in Brooklyn.
There's no way out.
And just make that like a 12-episode TV series.
It's basically The Purge, but better.
Well, I mean, obviously they did Escape from L.A.,
which, man, is dated boy that's a
tough one the special effects i didn't really like that one in the time no but escape from
new york's iconic yeah well i got a movie so let's do it let's do it now and then we can talk about
uh uppity after okay the movie that i did that wasn't up. It's called
PTS
Drone.
Not PTSD,
but the D stands for drone.
Got it.
PTSD Drone.
So we go into the future.
Now here's the move.
It's 2027.
I don't want to do that thing
where it's the year is 40 40 because i'm already out
we're dead my kids are dead their kids are dead everyone i know is dead i want to pick a time
where you go wait a minute my son's gonna be 20 you know what i mean like we got to live in this
world all right all these drones who are now being used by the military exclusively.
I mean, we're kind of at the point now where we don't need boots on the ground.
We get drones.
And the drones have artificial intelligence.
And the drones, when we're done with the conflict, come back and they have PTSD.
The drones have PTSD.
The drones are scarred The drones are scarred.
They're scarred.
Amazon says, you know what?
No one knows they have the PTSD.
It doesn't show, you know.
Amazon hires the drones to do the deliveries.
Now there's a whole fleet of domestic drones
that have been hired by Amazon to drop off packages,
but they start malfunctioning with the PTSD and shooting into the kitchen
and going after people.
And now we have this whole group of artificial intelligence, PTSD, military drones,
and they're all going wild in the United States, and we can't control them.
We got one kid, and I think it's either...
Shia LaBeouf?
This is too old.
Timothy...
Timothée Chalamet.
Chalamet.
Oh, yeah.
Him, him.
Chalamet.
This guy was a championship Fortnite player,
took everything until there was a big Fortnite scandal,
and he was drummed out of the circuit, right?
That's tough.
Now he's back at home.
He's eating cereal.
His dad wants him to get a job.
Somebody's got to fight these drones.
Yeah.
Now, the only drones we have are the old school drones that don't have artificial intelligence, but someone's got to fly those drones. I mean, from an area, from a bunker, but someone physically needs to fly those drones.
They don't fly themselves like the new ones do.
There's only one kid who can do it.
Chalamet.
Chalamet, right.
Or-
Who's Chalamet's dad who's overbearing and keeps telling him to get a job but doesn't realize Chalamet's saving the world?
J.K. Simmons?
Yeah, J.K. Simmons.
A little too close to Whiplash?
Yeah, yeah.
Ham?
What, do we have Ham in here?
Yeah, Ham.
Ham's always gray the sides of his hair so he looks a little older.
He comes in, divorced dad, got custody.
Yeah.
Kid was, you know, we see the room.
When we first see him, we pan to all the trophies on the wall from all these, you know, all the battle.
Now they have all these esports and everything.
It's all that.
And then we pan down to him just eating Froot Loops, you know, sitting on a futon because he's banned from the circuit.
Yeah, it's tough.
Yeah, but now we have that thing where the military shows up.
You know, the SUVs come pulling up.
Who plays Bezos?
Because I feel like at some point they have to go to Bezos and be like,
hey, man, these drones thing, we got to stop the operation.
Yeah, I think we get Cranston to shave his head.
That's a big move.
I like that.
He shaves his head, right?
We have Cranston with a shaved head.
He's Bezos.
He's talking about how much money they could save using the military drones you know building the drones
themselves he can get them for pennies on the dollar from the from the military it's surplus
we don't they don't need them anymore and then someone has to do that thing where it's like well
these are weapons of war yeah but we'll just rechip them they'll just put the new chip in
they'll be fine i don't like, I don't know.
You need the scene where they go to Bezos and they tell him, look, everything has to stop.
And he goes, nothing stops.
Right.
Right.
I like that.
You have to have that.
I also have a better title for you.
The Droning.
The Droning.
Yeah.
It's good.
I like the PTS drone. You like PTS drone? Well, it's good. I like the PTS drone.
You like PTS drone?
Well, it's tough.
I'd have to massage it a little bit.
But it's got to follow your rule
that they have to say the title of the movie
in dialogue during the movie.
Yeah.
So we have this scene
where the blacked out Chevy Suburbans
all pull up to the apartment
with Ham answers the door.
He's wearing his boxer shorts. He's like, what? He's like, is your boy in there? Chevy Suburbans all pull up to the apartment with ham answers the door, you know,
swearing his boxer shorts.
He's like,
what is your boy in there?
It's like,
what'd he do this time?
So you in trouble.
So you have that thing where now the military has to coax him into this one
last.
And,
you know,
he,
he says after he left the circuit,
he'd never pick up another joystick.
Some point they pull them to the bunker, you know,
in Cheyenne Mountain, you know,
right inside the bunker,
and he can run as a whole fleet on his...
I think we need a voice.
I think the drone...
Morgan Freeman?
Needs a voice.
I was thinking that thing,
but I was thinking a little more
Jaden Smith,
like Will Smith's kids.
Like a younger, sassy, urban kind of thing.
Maybe somebody with a high social media profile.
Yeah, talking back, you know, that kind of thing.
Of course, we got to clear this all through China first.
So you want to call this PTS Drone?
Well, that's a working title.
That's a working title.
I don't know how they say that in the dialogue, though.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, maybe we have it for the slug line.
Maybe we do the droned, and then at the bottom, we go post-traumatic stress drone or something.
That's at the bottom of the poster.
Are you the most jealous of the purge of any movie that somebody actually made that we
could have just thought of on a podcast really like i'm kind of mad we've spent so much time together over the
years i'm mad we didn't come up with that the sad part about all our 24 hours all crimes are
are legal all the stupid ideas the problem with all the stupid ideas is i was when you sit around with the guy
who makes it fast and furious and hobbs versus shaw and you go grand theft submarine
that's where the summer the soviet sub pulls up to pebble beach and there's cars on the out on the
lawn that are millions and millions of dollars and it's a
former soviet sub and it's been commandeered by like some you know black market guys and they
were going to load them all up and and he just sits there and goes yeah that would work right
you can do that i'm like you're like under siege crossed with tin cup yeah that's right crossed
with toy soldiers that That's right.
Yeah, I thought of, I didn't do this with you,
but I did half-baked ideas with,
Kevin Wilds used to come on my old podcast,
and we'd do these ideas that were like halfway there,
not totally there.
And I had a whole idea about leap year,
which is every four years.
Right.
Every leap year, there's no, the police disappears for a day anything can happen well that yeah so i said that in 2013 then the purge happened in 2015 i have no idea if leap
year affected the purge this is basically the same idea yeah i don't know if i should get the
well i mean obviously as part of the lawsuit, you know, Epstein was probably listening,
you know,
he listens.
I don't,
I don't say he did it because of it,
but,
uh,
it seems that there's,
there's things that indicate he may have.
Um,
can you talk about your new documentary?
Oh yeah.
Uppity.
It's on,
uh,
Netflix as we speak.
Oh,
we got three movies on Netflix.
We have uppity,
we have Shelby American,
and we have The 24-Hour War,
which is Ford v. Ferrari.
So speaking of movies we made
that they then made,
we made the documentary
The 24-Hour War like four years ago.
And then that Ford v. Ferrari.
It's the same movie.
And also we're working on Shelby,
who was Matt Damon's character.
Uppity's Willie T. Ribs story,
it's the first black driver at Indy.
And it's just a crazy story.
It's like a Jackie Robinson story that nobody knows about.
It's that people know about a lot of integration.
I watched it, I learned a lot.
I didn't...
My memory of him was just like,
oh, yeah, that was the one black guy that raced cars.
Right.
Other than that, I didn't remember anything.
But, yeah, I mean, he was definitely
a little more polarizing than I remembered.
I didn't know anything about that world.
The thing that was interesting about Willie T
is if you watch the doc, it's unclear.
Is it racism or is it because he was just a dude that didn't play by the rules?
He didn't get any shit.
He just did his own thing.
And that world is kind of a little buttoned down.
Nobody would jump on the roof of their car and celebrate and do the Ali shuffle and stuff like that.
We didn't do that.
They didn't do that.
So some of the stuff is racism.
And then some of the stuff is just, that's not the way we do things, regardless of the color of your skin.
And we don't, you don't really know.
You have to watch it and kind of see.
It's also.
He's also alive, which helps.
He's also alive, which helps. Because you have a big interview with him in it. Yeah, he's also alive which helps he's also live which helps and you have a big interview
with him in it yeah he's in fine form and he's just a great storyteller and he's a powerful
storyteller and we met him when we're doing winning the racing life of paul newman so we're
doing the newman doc and when we're doing the the Newman doc, Willie was part of that story because
Newman helped them get sponsorship to race in Trans Am. So we went out and interviewed Willie
for the Newman doc. And then once we're done interviewing Willie for the Newman doc, we're like,
this is our next doc. This guy, Willie T. Ribbs. Super interesting story.
Well, it's on Netflix. I have to do the search uppity. It's up there. And you
can go to chassis, C-H-A-S-S-Y.com and get all these things in Blu-ray with all the extras and
all the Shelby stuff. And we have them all there. So we have a whole racing website.
All right. Now we've hit the point of the podcast. That's just for us,
where we get to make fun of Mike August and and uh and jimmy i don't know where
you want to start you want to start mike august yeah so you travel you've been doing way more
stand-up and you mike august who uh is our longtime friend who used to work for uh with
baby doll dixon our agent and then mysteriously stopped working for baby doll dicks and we're
not we're still not sure what happened right now he's one of the guys that he's he's like your right hand guy he runs your whole
podcast empire all that stuff and you guys travel together yes at dinner recently he told us he
moved like an hour and a half away for a bigger house but then has an apartment here that he
shares with a couple roommates so he can do all his Corolla stuff.
Yes.
And then we spent most of the dinner talking about that, trying to get more information.
I still don't feel satisfied.
He bought a house in Yorba Linda.
Right, Yorba Linda.
Because his family wanted like a yard.
Yeah.
He has to go back and forth all the time from here, the West Side, where I'm at, Glendale and everything else.
Yorba Linda, his former condo was in Toluca Lake.
So he rented it out, but he rented it out to people who don't mind him living there at the same time.
So he's a guy in his early 50s, successful, who has roommates, but also a family
in a different location.
It's a lifetime movie with no drama.
Yeah.
It's a mother's nightmare.
That's not what it is.
And Mike's greatest gift is eating almost everything all the time, just devouring food.
Because I travel with him, and he just goes ballistic.
And also misunderstanding almost every conversation you have with him.
That's another one of his great traits.
Definitely somebody who's not handling your business.
And he drives like a maniac.
He drives like an insane person.
And I'll give you a great Mike August driving like a maniac
and misunderstanding what you're saying conversation it all be under one
okay one umbrella we were doing a show in god minneapolis or something i can't remember the
city we've been all over the country and mike like gets the rental car and we're like staying out
somewhere in the sticks and it's like a 40 minute drive in and the whole
time we're talking it's like show starts at eight we should roll into town at like seven we'll eat
dinner and then we'll do the show because after the show everything's going to be closed and so
mike's like all right well we'll leave at 6 30 we'll get to the tent we'll get there at seven
and then we'll eat dinner and then
the shows today we'll do the show and i said okay that's good so i'll pile in the suv and mike's
driving like a maniac as per usual mike has this thing where he doesn't think cops exist in other
cities you know that thing where it's like oh i'm not gonna drive that way in la we got cops but i'll go to minneapolis or baltimore and drive like an where it's like, oh, I'm not going to drive that way in LA. We got cops, but I'll go to Minneapolis or Baltimore and drive like an asshole. It's like,
yeah, they have their own cops. It's not like the LAPD goes to Baltimore. They just have their own
cops. They hand out their own tickets over there. He drives like a maniac. And there's this dude
that's driving in the left lane and he's just going like 59 miles an hour. And Mike's flipping
the high beams at him.
Like, get over, get over, get over.
And when you're in that left lane,
what happened to us is the most satisfying thing that could ever happen.
Mike eventually swings out to the right,
gasses it, blasts past him,
does the hard tuck right in front of him.
Just hard, like sends a message,
slides in front of him hard,
and then hauls us into the night right
two minutes later we get lit up by the cops we're getting pulled over by the cops as the guy who's
driving in the left lane is going past us now laughing because we just slapped his face oh
it's tough as we're getting pulled over i'm Mike, you didn't have to drive like an asshole.
He's like, God damn it.
We're getting pulled over.
And I, I'm in the passenger seat.
I go, Mike, Mike, listen to me, listen to me.
It's, you know, cause now it's like six 47 or something.
You know, I go, Mike, Mike, you're with Adam Carolla.
We're going to town.
Show starts at seven.
Okay.
We're running late.
Show starts at seven. And he goes, show starts at seven and he goes show starts
at eight and he looks back at the cop and i'm like of course i know the show starts at eight
i'm trying to get your ass out of a ticket you imbecile we talked about going there to eat
five times oh god i got another great oh my god i got another great eating story the funniest part
about that story is mike gets the $380 speeding ticket,
but it has you staying at the Red Roof Inn for like $29.
Oh, we only-
He doesn't understand the math of that.
He won't book a hotel unless it starts with the word airport.
That's his thing.
It has to have airport in front,
and then he'll consider booking us there.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think you have to be...
I don't think Louis C.K. could travel the world with Mike.
I think he'd be too upset.
You guys are like an old married couple at this point.
I have a high tolerance for...
I grew up with my buddies in a constant headlock,
trying to pants me or give me a wedgie
or eating stuff that had fur on it from the refrigerator
from someone else's house that was seven days old.
I'm good.
I can do Mike.
I don't think most people could handle it.
We got to make fun of Kim a little bit know, he's listening to this entire thing.
Well, listen, I don't want to undo any goodwill because I had Huey Lewis on my podcast last week.
Oh, my God.
And, of course, the conversation turned to in praise of Kimmel.
And so my stock is very high with Kimmel right now.
You don't want to mess with that.
I don't want to undo it.
I got a nice email saying, you know, thanks for you and Huey.
I think you're playing this correctly.
That's nice.
But I'll go along with you.
No, it's all right.
I'm good.
And also, if you're listening, like if Jimmy's listening,
you have to understand,
I suffer from RCS.
Like I have Restless Cock Syndrome.
I don't sometimes think straightly.
I don't speak correctly.
The things that come out that I'm really not responsible for
because I have this syndrome.
Yeah.
The RCS.
But go ahead.
No, it's all right.
I think you're right.
We should just get a nice text.
Thanks for all the nice words.
He's a swell friend and a good human being.
I concur.
All right.
We can listen to the Adam Carolla podcast.
How many days are you doing it?
Four?
Five days a week.
Five days a week.
Yeah.
Just go to adamcarolla.com or podcast one or whatever.
All right.
Google it or something.
All right.
A pleasure as always. Good to see you. All right. A pleasure as always.
Good to see you.
All right.
Thanks to Jason Siegel.
Thanks to Corolla.
Thanks to ZipRecruiter.
Don't forget about Rewatchables,
Book of Basketball,
and Bachelor Party
if you want to hear more of me
this week.
And why wouldn't you?
Having a great week this week.
And back on Thursday
with a whole bunch of stuff.
We'll see you then.