The Bill Simmons Podcast - 'Parent Corner' 2018 Special Edition | The Bill Simmons Podcast (Ep. 461)

Episode Date: December 28, 2018

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons presents every parent corner with Cousin Sal from weeks one through seventeen of the 2018 NFL season. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We are brought to you, as always, by TheRinger.com, the world's greatest website, as well as The Ringer Podcast Network and our slew of awesome podcasts. This one that you're about to hear, Sal and I, every Sunday night, we did football. We did guest lines, broke down what happened that week in the NFL.

And at the end of each podcast, we did a thing we called Parent Corner, which is the second year of this actually, where we each told a story about something that happened with our kids. People liked it. We kept doing it. Last year, we did a compilation podcast of all those stories. Really, this allows me to just send the link to the moms on my daughter's soccer team who would never listen to my podcast. They'd be like, you listen to this one, it's parent quarter. Then they're super happy and they can talk listen to my podcast. I could be like, you can listen to this one, it's Parent Corner. And then they're super happy

and they can talk to me about it. And I have something to talk about when I'm at these games for an entire weekend. I can talk about Parent Corner with the moms on my team and some of the dads too. Although I don't know if the dads, it feels like they fake listen to the pods.

I don't know if they actually listen. I think the moms, the moms are more loyal to the podcast. Anyway, Parent Corner is coming up right now. It's time for Parent Corner. America's favorite segment is back. You go first. I'll go first.

Mine's half parent-related and half just weird story to me. So Saturday night, I'm at home. My son's got a fantasy draft. He asked all his friends to be in it. And he's got nine slots filled, and he's got one more. And the draft is like at 8 o'clock. I was like, what are you going to do about this last slot? He's like, I don't know.

At 4 o'clock, he's like, I don't know. I'm like, what are you talking about? This would drive me crazy. You need to be on the phone. You need to be pushing this. Get it going. Get this last. He's like, I will.

I will. You know, barely speak. 6 o'clock. It's still not full. I was like, I will. They barely speak. Six o'clock. It's still not full. I was like, I'm not doing this because I'm in three leagues, but why don't you ask my friend Harry? Harry gets along with the kid. Well, Harry from Against All Odds.

They'll want to do it. Sure enough, Harry's ready. He's not doing anything on a Saturday night. What could he be doing? So Harry is going to jump in. So my son goes upstairs to do his draft, and there's a knock at the door. Pretty loud knock, and I open

it up, and it's like 10 high school kids. Bigger than my son. And it's kind of around 9 o'clock at night. It's a little menacing. I have a group of guys, half and bigger than you, at the door. And I was like, hey, guys, can I help you? And they're like, yeah. I was like, hey, guys, can I help you?

They're like, yeah. I was like, this is going to sound weird, but we know you're a football fan, and we need one more person for our fantasy league. And it's drafting like in an hour. Would you want to join with us? What? I was like, oh, Jesus, thank God you're not robbing me.

But on the other hand, you somehow know me and that I live here. And no, I'm not doing this. Get the hell away from me kind of thing. No, I let them off easy, but I was like, this is so strict. This is the sports nerd version of Christmas caroling in 2018. So yeah, I don't know. So beware. Beware of knocking the door.

It could be kids asking you to join a fantasy draft. That's unbelievable. I couldn't. I had to go through it in my head a bunch of times because the coincidence and organizing other fantasy drafts, it just, it was, it was so strange to me. Uh, and, but no one, as far as I could tell, put them up to it. My, uh, my parent corner, my daughter's now 13. Yeah. Everybody warned me that for the next seven to 10 years, my wife and daughter would like genuinely detest each other.

And I was like, there's no way my daughter, like you've heard her on the podcast. She's such a sweetheart. There's no way. I don't see it. Everybody was right. It's just, I don't know it everybody was right it's it's just I don't know what it is but the mom

daughter thing you're going to miss out you have three sons one of whom is going to be living with Ken and Harrison in Arizona it's just it starts out it starts out with an eye roll an eye roll coming from my daughter, just flies one out,

little dagger over something minor, followed by my wife overreacting to the eye roll, followed by my daughter, then overreacting to the overreaction to the eye roll. Nice. And then it just goes back and forth. And Ben and I just sit there and it's like, we're just kind of there as, as they go at it for five to six minutes.

We, we had the soccer tournament this week and we're at the hotel. We're having lunch on a Saturday, beautiful day. It's between games. They won the first game. Everybody's in a good mood. And within 10 minutes, my wife got up and left, literally left half of her food and thing. She's like, I can't take it anymore. I don't like the person you've become.

And just gets up and leaves. My daughter's now crying. And my son and I are just looking at each other like, hey, so you're excited for the little league season. And it's like all minor stuff. And I don't know. I've just never been in this situation before. It's going to get worse when...

When boys get involved? When he comes out with the cameras right on the heels of, I don't like the person you've become. And asking what she meant by that. Oh, no. Yeah, and what it comes down to is she doesn't like that my daughter straightens her hair with the hair iron and then leaves the hair iron and the curling iron

on in the bathroom and my wife actually touched her hand and hurt her hand because my daughter is sloppy Do they share a curling iron? I mean it seems like this could be sold for like $14 or something It really does but then you talk to the other moms and it's just like World War 3

with 13 year old girls and their moms It's just across the board it's just like world war three with, with 13 year old girls and their moms. It's just across the board. It's not just my family. And it really feels like this should be a podcast where, um, like survivors, you have survivors of terrible events. It's just survivors of people from families with 13 year old girls and their wives. Yeah. Where it's like real housewives, but it's, it focuses more on the motherdaughter relationship. Yeah, like I could tell the story about when, you know, some story that led to somebody storming off. And then I get to hear, maybe it's like rehab, where people go to like Alcoholics Anonymous. I just, me and Ben go to these things where people just tell stories and then we all feel better about our situations. It's like, oh, it just happened to everybody.

So yeah, I don't know what the next few years of my life are like, but, um, Well, I have Dr. Drew's number if you guys want to talk it out. My, my wife, my wife also yelled at my daughter recently that she dresses like a Russian was one of her insults. I don't, if you want to wear that, that's fine. You look like a Russian, which I guess is insulting. I don't, do Russians dress the right way? I guess so. I mean, it depends what you're wearing.

If it's Vladimir Putin, yeah, or one of the weightlifters, yeah, you don't want to be compared to that. Nephew Kyle, you've been caught in the crossfire a couple times. I'm pretty held in high regards on both sides, and I like to keep it that way. You're like, Nephew Kyle's like the favorite member of the Simmons family now. Yeah. So hoping- He keep it that way. You're like, Nephi Kyle's like the favorite member of the Simmons family now. Yeah. So hoping- He does it just right.

Anyway, send us emails at themailbagattheringer.com if you have any advice how to deal with a 13-year-old daughter and a mom. And I feel like I really lucked out with my daughter too.

So if it's happening with my daughter, it's happening everywhere. Because I see some of the- Yeah, she's great. I see some of the Instagram that's going on now. Some of the Instagram games, some of these pictures kids her age are posting. I'm like, I actually feel like I lucked out so far, but we'll see. Anyway, check it out.

You did well. The mailbag at theringer.com. Let's do Parent Corner, America's favorite segment. Oh, yeah. Still no sponsor. You go first. I have a good one this week. All right. Uh, I'm too, I'll do, I'll do this one. Uh, so my son, he's four years old, uh, and he started soccer this week.

Yes. I saw the pictures. I was hoping this would be parent quarter. Yeah. So he's, um, I'm going to say this. He, he loves playing basketball. We have a nerve hoop at the house and he's always like watching TV. He like throws ball. He's taking shots while he's watching like a boss baby or whatever he's watching, but he's always taking shots. I was like, that's great. He loves playing little league baseball. He started this year. He was one of the better hitters on the team. If we go to the beach,

he has to bring a wiffle ball and a wiffle ball bat. He gets it. He connects there. So we just figured, we figured he'd be decent at soccer. What do you do as a four-year-old? There's no goalie. You have the ball, you kick it and you run down the field. Well, he's, he's built a little bit like my son. Like he's just like kind of a block of granite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A little husky guy. Yeah. So I thought, I thought everything was going to be good. He gets there and I see him like lining up like as a,

like a field goal kicker for kicks, he's kicking and he's falling on his ass backwards. I'm like, Harrison, what are you doing? Like, I'm kicking the ball. He's getting mad at me for coaching.

I was like, all right. So this goes on the whole game now because he's falling. Like, have you ever seen four-year-old play soccer? There's not a lot of spacing. There's not spacing. So they run in a herd.

And if you fall, you're in trouble. And he fell three times. He got stepped on on his arm, on his ankle, and on his face. Oh, no. And I'm not like, yeah, and I'm not like, like you could see the cleat marks. And no, like they were legit every time. So he's crying. And then I feel like the a-hole father has to go on the field and lift him up.

I'm like, no, you're not coming out. Just keep playing. You know, six minutes left. We could do this. You know, get in there. And he hates it. He doesn't like it. He keeps falling and getting hurt.

And to make it worse, his 10-year-old brother, who hates him, they hate each other, is calling him out anytime he would almost touch the ball with his hand. He's like, he touched the ball with his hand. And he's like telling the ref,, coach, he's paddling on. I'm like, all right, can you get control of yourself here? This is not the way it's going to be every week. And then the other kid, the other team had a kid who's good.

I think the other team had like a six-year-old on there. And he's scoring like every two minutes. So it's like seven to one. And it occurred to me, Harrison, my kid's crying. And he like wants to walk off the field. It occurred to me, Harrison, my kid's crying and he like wants to walk off the field and occurred to me. Oh yeah. Cause on his iPad, any game he plays, if he's losing even one, nothing, whatever it is, he'll just turn it off. He'll restart it. Yeah. You can't do that in life. Right now. So soccer is not his sport. And you know what, then I was thinking about it. I was

thinking about you and your daughter. I was like, you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad soccer's not a sport. I don't want him on a club team. I don't want to give up my Sunday and go to travel six hours to some uninhabitable part of California and waste a day. So there you go. You're a big winner. That's right. I'm a quitter. He's a quitter. Your family went 0 for 3 with soccer. You missed it completely. We did. So I had two different experiences with that because my daughter, who we always could tell from jungle gym days was going to be a good athlete,

and we put her in soccer and she was immediately one of the best ones. And it was like, in those games, there's always that one kid on each team that you can just tell. And she was the kid on that team. And it was great. It's like, oh my God, this is so much fun. And then when my son went to play soccer, you can just tell. And she was the kid on that team. And it was great. It's like, oh my God, this is so much fun. And then when my son went to play soccer, it was the opposite.

He was completely selfish, would get mad if somebody else on his own team scored. And it was a disaster. And he lasted one game and he quit. And we have the one picture of him in the jersey and that's the only record of him ever playing soccer. So I've had both sides of it. Speaking of my son. Um, so I get this text from my wife on Friday, um, call me and I'm in the middle of a meeting. I'm like, is everything

okay? And she's like, it's about Ben. And I think something terrible has happened. So I'm like, I'm in a meeting. Can I call you back? And she's like, it's not a bad thing. Actually just FaceTime him. So now I'm like, what the hell possibly could have happened? Like the only really things that have happened in his life is like he made a travel baseball team. So he already made the team. I didn't know what else, it's not like his life's that interesting. I didn't know what else could happen.

So I FaceTime him, and he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend. Their nine-month, their torrid nine-month affair is no longer. Now, he is how old? Those people don't know. He turns 11 in November. Okay. And has had this- Is he broken up by it?

Is he all distraught? So he's had, they've been on dates. They've had like four dates where my wife took him and she really likes this girl's mom. And they would go and they would go and the two kids would go to the movies and they would go drink wine next door. And they really liked everybody.

And it was like one of those things where it was like, these two like each other. Like this could be it. They might actually get married. Like who the hell knows. Ben's second day in school, his friend who also has a girlfriend in class breaks up with that girl. And like two hours later, Ben breaks up with his. And so on FaceTime is telling me everybody's single now. Like it's like fifth grade is going to be a party. And I'm like,

what are you talking about? You sound like a lunatic. You're Ted. Uh, and was all fired up. And then, um, so when I got home, I got the full story, which is that this other guy, his, his buddy, Luchi also broke up and, um, Luchi, Luchi. So, so we were calling him George all weekend. Cause it was like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry breaks up, but George stayed and then George has to get married. And he didn't want to be George. Um, so he was all excited that this is, I'm too young to have a girlfriend doing that whole thing. And then they texted all weekend and who the hell knows that are probably back together by this time. People, I don't know, this just runs in my family. Cause you've nephew Kyle over here who is now he's back on and it might be my wife might be the blood on her side. It's

just like these on again, off again, relationships. Call me right now. Yeah. She's Kyle's girlfriend's calling him right now. I'm wondering where the hell he is. Um, but, uh,

I'm wondering if like Ben, yeah, probably not like, you know, maybe he's got a little Lenny Dykstra in him. He's on the traveling baseball team. He's like, I don't want to be tied down.

And, uh, I don't know. Hey, so anyway, the moral of the story is, uh, he's, he's a lunatic and I don't know what to tell you.

And the moral of the story, I love it. My wife's like, call me. Like, I, like, I really thought something awful had happened and it was my 10 year old son broke up with his girlfriend. That's excellent. So yeah, that's my parent corner for this week. It's really getting exciting in the Simmons house. Nice. I can't believe exciting in the Simmons house. Nice.

I can't believe no one will sponsor this. Yeah. How can they not sponsor that? 10 year old love. And the two moms are texting each other all weekend cause they're devastated. Oh really? We should still go. We'll still go out. We don't need the kids. It's turning into that. They're more upset than the kids are. Good run. Nine-month run. Long relationship. And then also, today he saw nephew Kyle and taunted nephew Kyle about how he

broke up with his girlfriend, but Kyle wouldn't. That was an actual taunt. Actual taunt. Does Kyle feel pressure, or does he just blow it off? Kyle beat the hell out of him. He threw him in the pool. It's not going to take crap from Ben.

Ben's like four feet tall. Yeah. But he's got about eight months before he could not beat the hell out of him. They're definitely back together. I refuse to believe this breakup stands and she's probably going to dump him 20 times. Yeah.

Can we go back to the fact that there's a feud with your 10 year old son and your four year old son? I don't know if we should. It's bad. I mean, my 10 year old is not, it's our fault. He was not meant to be a middle child.

And, uh, there's a big gap between them. And, uh, you know, he just doesn't understand. Like,

you can't tell him like your brother's four. Like, why, why are you getting upset? He's like, he doesn't ever learned anything. Yeah. Because he's four. We can't, we can't make any progress with that. But, um, yeah,

they did not like each other at all. This is, should you have a loser leave town match with that with them? Unfortunately, I'm the loser. Cause I don't know how to handle it. Maybe you should have a match and the loser leaves town and you're the loser and you'll just leave. By the way, he doesn't even want to lose. He just wants to leave town anyway. I told you, he wants to live with Ken and Harry. That's true. You got to update us on that during the season. I do think there is something about the kids not learning how to lose thing is an issue. My son was playing, he learned how to play WWE, whatever, the 2K game. He would play

two players, but he would be in control of both controllers. So he's just playing against this person who's not there and beating the hell out of the other person. I'm like, how is this good? I'm learning how to do moves. But you're not competing. You're not learning how to win and lose. I don't know.

Maybe this generation is good. Yeah, I don't like, like my town play Madden on the mobile Madden mobile. And like, there'll be, he'll play against the Steelers, let's say in Roethlisberger throws. And you see Brown open in the end zone.

And it's like a, it's like a race to restart the game before Antonio Brown catches it. He doesn't want to go down seven up. I was like, no, you're going to play this out. You're going to lose. And,

but that's only when I'm around. So I know they're shutting it off. And then, yeah, this is how it rears its ugly head in real life. That's a benefit for Fortnite because in Fortnite, you can't quit. You get killed and then your game's over. There's no way to really rally from that. Parent corner. Let's hear it.

I have an annoying one. It's actually a double Parent Corner because it involves one of my parents, my mother, who was playing cards with my 12-year-old boy. And, you know, she's bragging about her girlfriend. She says, girl, on the East Coast, the older women refer to their friends as girlfriends if they're women. So she says, you know, my girlfriend's daughter, Darcy, has a house next to Tom Brady. And I was like, oh, that's nice. And I said, what does her husband do? She's like, he's in junk bonds.

I was like, okay, we'll see how long that lasts. And then I was like, well, you know, maybe Archie can become a football player and, you know, be a Tom Brady and live in a giant house. Oh, please, he's not playing football. Keep in mind, I have now fought with my wife and I broke her down to a point where my son is going to play tackle football next year because Tony Romo told us he doesn't need to.

Romo went behind my back, or not really, but to our face said, nah, you don't need to play. He doesn't need to play that early. So he could play 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th. So that was the compromise. And I was like, listen, just play. It's one of the greatest things I've ever done. It's a great experience.

Four years, you won't even get on the field in the first year. You're not going to scramble your brain. It'll be fine. My mother goes into this whole crazy thing. She's now turned my wife back around to now he's not playing football. I don't know how our listeners feel he's not playing football. I don't know how our listeners feel about their kids playing football anyway, but I had it. I had it locked down. And now I have to start all over again with this because her friend Darcy, she had

a brag about having a house next to Tom Brady and opened a whole can of worms. And I don't know what to do now. So what's the line? What's the line for Archie over under when he plays football? I have a, I'll make the line. Uh, ninth grade, ninth grade and a half, eighth grade and a half, eighth grade and a half. Yeah, no, I think ninth grade. I'm going to get it. I just have to, I have to work on a plan now. If anyone has any ideas of how to, uh, I think my mother just has to shut her mouth. But other than that, I have to work on a plan now if anyone has any ideas. I think my mother just has to shut her mouth.

But other than that, I have to figure this out. Would you let Ben play or no? I mean, Ben is 10. He has more muscle than I do. He does flips off his bunk bed and wrestles dummies and is just a generally dangerous, reckless kid. And the thing is, I think I would let him play in high school only because he's going to find something else.

He's going to find something where he puts himself in danger. Kyle, you agree with me? What if that's Ben just avoiding some sort of dangerous something? It's 101. Yeah, I put money on that for sure. He's kind of made for football. Keeps him off the street, right? I have a football success story for you, Sal.

Go ahead. My buddy Sully, the MVP of my wedding, he has two sons, Aiden and Keegan. They go to Scituate High. Aiden is the quarterback and has been the quarterback for three years. This is his third year. Keegan, ninth grader, makes the team. He's playing wide receiver and kick returner. He's only, I think, the second freshman

that's made the team. QB wide receiver starting on the same team. How about that? Wow, that's great. In my Facebook and Instagram feeds, just happy pictures of two handsome guys with their arms around each other and their mom after football games.

Girls knocking on the door. It's just everything you've read about. I love it. Yeah, so there's a football success story. My friend Darren, the parlay kid, his son is the star quarterback of my high school football team, as the parlay kid was 30 years ago. They beat the defending champs last week and here's something else. The parlay kid

is a guardian for another kid who is the wide receiver for the team. So not exactly the same story but interesting. Yeah. And that's a happy thing. There you go. My mother needs to hear more about this. I am

anti-youth football. I'm anti-youth football, but I do think once you get to like 15, 16, what can you do? I mean, my daughter's played soccer her whole life. We've had a couple of kids got concussions playing soccer, the headers and stuff. What sport is safe? Baseball, you get hit by a pitch. Basketball, I can get elbowed. I can get a concussion

Any sport there's things The thing is with football Some of the collisions are pretty scary And I think as I'm definitely I'm rethinking High school football at least I will not change my mind on youth football

I just don't think it should exist But what do I know You'll love high school football. You'll love watching it. It was great to play it. I'm so glad I did it. And this is all going to be very sad when something bad happens. God forbid. God forbid.

My parent corner, I had two last week, and I only got to use one. The other one was we were hanging out outside, Kyle and I only got to use one. The other one was we were hanging out outside, Kyle and I, with Ben and Kyle was doing like, because he's not smoking lately

so he's doing like a little vape and Ben was curiously looking at the vape and asked Kyle how old does he have to be for when he can start vaping. And I had a heart attack and then Kyle revived me. And then-

Wait a minute, what's the answer? What was the answer, Kyle? It was never. The answer was never. My son was in my asshole because he just saw me doing it. So I felt partly responsible. Good answer. Then led to a series of questions about when he could drink.

Have sex? We have sex. And he just started interrogating us on all these different things. And we bumped the ages as high as we possibly could. Mid-30s, what are we saying? 25, 30? He just gets this light in his eye

every time anything comes up of partying, girls, any sort of immoral behavior. And you just, there just just light in his eye gears are turning yeah I'm just frightened I'm just scared oh no

yeah it's not good and this was before Kyle had the tattoo right that's gonna be another question he asked you questions about the tattoo too

yeah it's not great so it's not great yeah you're gonna have to let him have sex soon I don't think I have a choice.

He probably has. It's probably already happened. Oh, my God. So what are we going to do? Let's do parent corner. You go first. All right. Okay.

So my middle kid, the 10-year-old. Yeah. He wants to live with Ken and Harry. he wants to live with Ken and Harry. He wants to live with Ken and Harry. He doesn't like the circumstances around here. And, uh, one of the things he doesn't like is we make them do something. So like when he quit piano, like, all right, you have to do something. What are you going to do? Are you going to swim? He did swimming for a minute. Didn't like it. I was like, how about Taekwondo? He's like a 57 pound weakling. You know, he's, uh, he, he has no

interest in sports. Otherwise he played baseball, didn't, didn't like it. So we get him to Taekwondo mainly because I kept saying, you know, your four-year-old brother who you hate is getting big and strong. And, you know, you want to, you know, you want to be able to take care of yourself. And my wife didn't hear me say this because she would be mad that this is, this was the pretense which I got him to agree to take Taekwondo. But he took it. And I'm not around because I'm working. So my wife takes him to the lessons. And they give you a belt every two or three months. It seems like you get a belt. You test for a belt. Just new colors?

Yeah, you get all the colors. It starts's yellow, orange, he's had green. But now he hates it. Now he can't stand it. He's just going through the motions, and he's going through the testing, and he's barely, you know, you have to break a board with a different strike or a different kick every time you test for a new belt, in addition to going through all these cadences and everything. And he's breaking the boards on, like, four attempts.

And so now he doesn't like it he doesn't want to do it he's like i'm going to stop at blue belt i'm like now you have to do it and he's like he really puts up a fight he's like i don't want to do it i don't want to do it then my wife tells me how much this costs and it's like 75 a lesson he's going twice a week and i know people think i made a money and I was before this Patriots game tonight, but that's not the case. So I was like 75 a lesson. I was like, wow, what is, and what is it to test? When they test you, it's $250.

It's like, yeah, of course they're making him test every two months when he's not ready to go from belt to belt. Of course, this all makes sense now. Like, all right, tell the teacher, this is it. He's getting his blue belt. He's probably not going to, he's going to have to do a spinning back kick to break the board. So you're not even really looking at the board now. Uh, and, and he has to do that. He has to

break that a board that he can't really break on four attempts otherwise. Okay. So now he's testing for the blue belt and, uh, the, the sense I know this is his last thing. What does he do? He goes up there. He breaks the board on the first chance. Oh, no. And in addition to that, he gets a trophy for best student, a big trophy, like three feet tall, like almost his height. And you know what happens? He wants to freaking stay with Taekwondo.

And now every lesson is now $90, and to test is like $290. They know what they're doing. In fact, I think they rigged the board. I think the board was, they scored the board. It's like that. And he broke it. He broke an already broken board. It was like the hell in the cell when they, when they, uh, they messed with the cage.

So mankind would go through it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's it. There's chicanery. It's like $340 to test. Taekwondo sounds like one of the biggest Ponzi schemes we have.

Yeah. It's right up there. It's a huge, huge money grab. This kid's going to be a black belt and he's going to get blown over by a light fall wind. Well, at some point, maybe you're going to be in Mexico or something and muggers come.

And then maybe that's when you'll find out if this taekwondo is a really good idea. Maybe. That's how the children's book ends. Children's book version of my life ends. But he's probably just going to crack his four-year-old brother in the skull and that'll be that.

Jack will come in like Mr. Miyagi and just clean out all of the robbers. Well, there's nothing to rob because I have no money because it's all gone to the Taekwondo. My wife went to Boston this weekend and so I had to be Mr. Dad all weekend, which is great for the kids.

There's just a lot of like, all right, do what you want. Hey, let's get Postmates. A lot of that. A lot of that's going on. Last night, my son and I watched the first Purge. My son loves the Purge. Nice. And by the way, not appropriate for a 10 year old. I don't really care. We passed the point of no return.

Yeah, we know. We know you don't care. That's the one thing we learned from Parrot Corner. Yeah, I don't care. You don't care. First Purge was really great. It really delivered the goods. So anyway, he had a doubleheader today because he's playing travel baseball now. And our team, I think, is double A, but Southern California is really good and they have teams in the majors, triple A. So we're in this tournament and we're playing triple A teams. So already my guard's kind of up. Like this might not go great today.

Get there. We left the house at like 730. We get there. The game's at like 845, nine o'clock. And they're like, Ben's, Ben's going to start for us.

This game one. So now Ben's pitching, comes in. First batter, swings late, hits a liner over the second baseman's head, gets on. Steals second,

steals third. Ben Bucks. I didn't even see it. I thought it was a shaky call by the ump who was making $20 to be at this game and be stink-eyed by the parents. And he's just never the same after that. Ends up, he gets yanked in the second inning. Tears in his eyes as he's leaving. You're just watching as the parent, you're like, oh my God,

please don't be the one that melts down on the mound. Little do I know that every pitcher we have is going to get shelled and we get mercy ruled within an hour. Then the next game of the doubleheader comes. Then we have all this time to kill. I'm watching. I have my AirPods in, I'm watching football on my iPhone, trying to watch the red zone channel and these other things while popping my head up and seeing a lot of the baseball game, but also listening to the football and pretending to be good. It's the same team again, or it's a different team? Different team comes in. They also kill us and we get mercy ruled again.

And now we're driving home at noon and Ben's bitching and he's mad and he hasn't eaten and he's like, I'm never pitching again. I'm like, really? You're going to not pitch?

Every pitcher you had got shelled today. And we're going back and forth. He's like, no, I'm not pitching. No, that Bach rule is stupid. I'm not pitching. And we're just going back and forth and I'm yelling at him and he's yelling at me. And it ends with me yelling at him.

I gave up football for you today. An actual quote that came out of my mouth, driving 75 miles an hour on the 60, 60 West, whatever it was. What did he say to that? He doesn't give a crap. No, I think he came back with, just watch football every Sunday. I don't want you to come. I want mom to come. We were just like yelling at each other.

Yeah, it was one of those. These kids, I'll tell you what, this is your fault because you show them these movies and it teaches them how to argue back these movies. I don't even think they learned it in school. It's just dumb movies and it's YouTube and to argue back these movies. I don't even think they learned it in school. Yeah. It's dumb movies and it's YouTube and this is how they fight back. And yeah, now, now your feelings are hurt.

Yeah. The move is always just to say the other parents better. You like the other parent more. He actually said, I pitch better when mom's there. I'm like, all I do is sit there. I don't say anything other than yell to throw strikes.

Um, so anyway, we, we hashed it out, um, about six, seven hours later, but that's good throw strikes. So anyway, we hashed it out about six, seven hours later. That's good. Yeah. So anyway, I did miss football today. I had to watch it on my iPhone. I lost

a lot of bets. My fantasy wasn't very satisfying. And I didn't really enjoy it. We got mercy ruled twice. So thanks for that, Ben. I love travel baseball. Let's keep going. Two more next week. Have him join Taekwondo.

He'll have eight belts in like three days. He won't have to drive anywhere. The mercy rule, I wish we had that like in other forms of life. What is it? 10 runs after three innings or what is it? I think it has to get to like 15. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what we're talking here. We lost like 15 to 4 and like 15 to 6. The problem is... Yeah, the problem is they get on base. These kids are 10. Nobody has like Johnny Bench behind the plate. You get on base, you're running. Yeah, you just advance.

I will tell you that it's fun to watch him. I'm glad he's baseball, but I am still pro soccer. It's over in an hour. It's great. You know when the game's starting, you show up, it's outdoors, game's done in an hour. Baseball's tough.

You're worried your kid's going to get slammed in the face with a line drive. For some reason, it's colder than everywhere else as a spectator sport. You're shivering. Baseball has the most moments where you just go, what are you fucking stupid? You just want to yell that at every kid. Because it's a lot of brain farts and somebody forgetting that the runner

could tag or somebody getting caught off. It just constantly reinforces that 10-year-old boys make bad decisions. Yeah. But still super enjoyable soccer. It's really hard to, it's really easy to blend in and just make mistakes. And only people who are really sophisticated would know,

you know? Yeah. It's like, Oh, she shouldn't have been offsides on that. It's like, you'd have to actually, you know,

in baseball, the ball goes through your legs. It's like, Oh, that guy's a dumbass. He should have been over. Yeah. For me, it's safety. I have the four year old playing soccer and you know in baseball the ball goes through your legs it's like oh that guy's a dumbass he should have been over um yeah i wanted for me it's safety i have the four-year-old playing soccer and you know there's not a lot of spacing in four-year-old soccer so as soon as someone falls they're getting cleated in the hand and in the arm and then and there's tears so it's you just want that to happen

less than five times in an hour it's a big pig pile um yeah at some point i'm gonna have i think maybe in February, I'm going to have a special podcast where I rank, I'm going to have multiple parents involved. I'm going to produce it ahead of time. And I'm going to power rank the worst sports for parents for 12 to one for youth sports. Yeah.

Cause this has been like that, a topic that I've had with multiple parents, including you, where we've talked about- Let's do it at Cleopatra's Lounge in Vegas. There's one clear number one, but I don't want to give it away. We should do that at Cleopatra's Lounge. That would be great.

In. We'll have to convince Michael Gruber. That's a good idea. I think we could do it. And then the women and a lot of the wives that were dragged along will actually maybe have a good time. They would love that one. Let's talk about Simpli Simply Safe. We all put off doing things we know we need to do. We know we need to organize the garage, return our great aunt's call. Something always

gets in the way. Great aunt's call. That was a weird addition to this. Security can be like that too. It's a good idea, but it always slips down the list of priorities. Maybe it's the idea of paying a middleman. We're scheduling a six-hour installation window. Like you have time for that. Come on. Well, fellow procrastinators, now it's time to act. SimpliSafe's extended holiday sale ends soon. SimpliSafe got rid of all the reasons not to get home security because they believe nothing

should come between you and protecting your home. We're talking no contracts, no markups, no complicated installation. It's professional quality home security that's so easy you'll have it up and running in minutes. So yeah, you could add this to your epic to-do list or you can do it right now. Go to simplisafe.com slash BS. Order before January 8th to save with their extended holiday sale that is SimpliSafe with two I's. SimpliSafe.com slash BS. Before we do parent corner, I want to do a special brief edition of grandparent corner because my dad was here. And we were watching the Steelers-Ravens game tonight

and he called Juju Schuster. He called him Juju Switzer. It was phenomenal. Nephi Kyle was a witness. He was complaining about how Pittsburgh always gets receivers because they had that new white guy they have his name is Switzer

they get this guy and then they just every time they had Sanders that time and then Juju Switzer it was great I really enjoyed that but for the actual parent corner my

dad and my stepmom were here. And yesterday, my daughter had to go to yet another bar mitzvah, which I think is her 100th bar mitzvah of the last 52 weeks. So that was great. And my wife and I seized the opportunity to have a date. So we went out on a double date with your friend Daniel Kellison and his wife Diane. Oh, nice. My parents took my son to the movies

and then they went to dinner after. And they noticed that he kept going to the bathroom. Went to the bathroom like five or six times for three, four minutes pop, five minutes of pop. And they're at this dinner. My stepmother takes forever to eat. So any dinner with my dad and stepmom is usually an hour and a half. So he kept disappearing to go.

So one time my dad followed him in. He was leaving the table to go play Fortnite in the bathroom like a crack addict. Like a crack addict. He's like, I'll be right back. And he's just going and there's some weird kid in the bathroom playing Fortnite. So they say he's lost all of his Fortnite privileges. I'd like to announce my son's retirement

from Fortnite. Oh, that's it? It's been deleted from his phone. The controllers are gone. He has no access to anything. It's over. Fortnite is done. That's over. Fortnite is done. That's it. Now, is he going to be bummed at grandpa now for blowing his cover? That's not right.

No. My poor dad, he flies out. They take like the 7 a.m. flight on Friday to come out to just see their grandkids for three days. I know, but I don't want him to get in trouble for it. Today, they go to his doubleheader for three days. No, I know, but I don't want him to get in trouble for it. Today they go to his double header for travel baseball. They sit in the metal baseball stands for four hours watching these 10-year-old baseball games. And then the one thing they want to do is go to the movies and go to dinner with him. And he's in the bathroom playing Fortnite.

So that's it. Was he like locked in the stall? Or was he like standing in front of a urinal? I don't know what he was. I don't have all the details. Yeah, he's just kind of wandering around the bathroom like a homeless person. So yeah, it's done.

And his phone has been stripped. I changed the iCloud password. He can't add new apps. He basically, like, the phone is now a place for him to just text and go on YouTube. And that's it.

All right, I want to do that. I probably shouldn't even tell you about this. I should probably tell your wife. I know about the app that you can monitor where they go. No, I don't care. I'm putting it over under. I'm putting it under eight and a half days before you reinstall that. And I like to place $20 on that.

Oh, I'm going over. I win. All right. Let's do it right now. All right. I don't even care. You have all the control over this. And I'm still making the bet20 on that. Oh, I'm going over. I win. All right, let's do it right now. All right. I don't even care. You have all the control over this, and I'm still making the bet. Yeah, it's over.

It's over. Fortnite. There's all these stories now about relationships and marriages being ruined by Fortnite. Oh, yeah. It's like a thing now. Sure. Yeah. What's your parent corner?

It's not a great one. I'm sorry if we covered this already, but I have my sock. My four-year-old's playing soccer. Yeah, Uh, what's your parent corner? Uh, it's not a great one. I, I, I'm sorry if we covered this already, but, um, you know, I have my sock, my four year old. Yeah.

You got to go to go to the games. They actually scored a goal. It's fine. Didn't cry. It knocked over a few people. We had to talk to him about that. But, um,

and then, uh, at the end of the game, the team mom is like, uh, one of the moms is like, Hey, we have pictures tomorrow, Sunday, at 145. Yeah.

And I was like, ah, all right. It's like, oh, well, do you need him to be picked up or your son to be picked up? I was like, no, I mean, this is something we could just skip. And then now, like, other parents are coming over, like, uh-oh, what's this guy talking about? about? You can skip it. It's optional. Yeah. I was like, you know, you know, why don't we just instead of ruining another afternoon, why don't we just get together

three minutes before the game and take a team picture? Oh, and then we could branch off and take individual pictures of our our spawn. And you would have thought I took an umbrella and beat the crap out of all their dogs. Right. Like they look like you wouldn't believe the response I got. And then I got,

so I'm like, I sense that it's a problem. I go home. My wife's like, well, I can't do, you're going to have to tell. I was like,

I'm not lit one 45. That's that's right. When all these games look big, I think all the it. You're going to have to tell. I was like, I'm not lit 145. That's right when all these games. Think of all the games I would have missed, the endings of all these games I would have missed. For a picture, how archaic is it now that they have to charge? And it's part of the package. That's the best part of it. It's part of the league fee is the pictures. Except when you get there, they give you an option because you could have your son or daughter's face on a calendar for $60 or a blanket for $129.

And God forbid you take your kid with you because they're going to want to order one of these. Yeah. Anyway, I'm on to you. We're on to everybody here. Let's just take individual pictures, please. Please. Why do we have to have a separate picture day? In the iPhone era, it makes no sense at all.

I have, so Zoe's first year. In the Polaroid era, it didn't make sense. What are we doing here? Zoe's first year was like age four, like same thing as your son. And we have a picture of her in the sparkles and she's got little pigtails and it's got like the little baseball card.

Like as you know, your first kid, you buy everything. Oh, I can get all three of these for $80. Great. And I will say, I do look fondly at the one picture of that. We have a frame that it is a little heartwarming to see it. You could go on your computer, your son can't because he locked out,

but you could go on your computer and make, make one of these with a fancy background and everything. You could, I, when I took my son to the Rays-Red Sox game, they had a photographer walking around asking if this is at the Tampa game. They barely have any fans, but they have a photographer.

And the person was walking around going, can I take a picture of you and your son? And I'm thinking, no. What do I need a picture for? I have an iPhone. Yeah, I know where this is going. So I'm going to give you know, and I'm thinking like, no, what do I need a picture for? I have an iPhone. Yeah, I know where this is going. So I'm going to give you $20 and then my email address that you can now have so that you

can take the same picture I can take with my iPhone. What are you talking about? So yeah, I'm with you, Sal. That's ridiculous. Let's get a movement going for this. $145 is just classic. That's like, can we just ruin, now you'll miss the end of the first game

and then the first half of the second game. It's a great one. I wish I could have put my hand over her mouth when she says, and we're going to be taking pictures at, and I was like, 145? 145, right? Because that's exactly the worst time it could be.

Yeah. It was 145. Oh my God. What do you got for Parent Corner? It's not a great story. I'm actually not proud of myself, 45. Oh my God. What do you got for parent corner? Uh, it's not a great story. I'm actually not proud of myself, but,

um, it's, well, it starts with, and you've been to a hundred of these, my kid, my oldest son, 13 year old.

Um, actually my 13 year old is, I think having sex with our Guatemalan maid, but I want to, uh, I'll save that for a couple of weeks. My 13 year old that's not the story

hold on, Neffy Kyle needs some air also Neffy Kyle would like to throw his hat in the ring with the Guatemalan maid you got his attention in a bunch of ways okay good, I'm going to wake him up it's late at night, it's like 11 o'clock no, so he's on this club team, this club basketball team.

Yeah. And like, do you have this whole thing where you guys host an event? Yeah. Like, we're hosting this event. His club team is hosting an event. And hosting the event means we have to drive to Anaheim. That's where they were able to secure an arena in Anaheim for this club basketball. Because within 20 miles, we can't find three other teams that want to play this game. Like, I don't really have,

it's like me hosting a party at your house 45 minutes away. But anyway, we're going to Anaheim and I'm told ahead of time that parking is $20. And for me to get in is $10. But because my son has a Jersey, he can get in and he's playing so he can get in for free. And it's got me thinking like, well, maybe I wait in the car a couple of blocks away. No, I'm going to watch. So we drive there and, uh, it's right in the middle of Texas, Oklahoma, great college game. I have fake money on it on lock it in, uh, these other guys bet it too.

And I'm checking the scores and I'm on the five South going 80 miles an hour. And sure enough, I look up, I checked, Oklahoma kicked a field goal to go ahead. Texas kicked a field goal to go ahead. I was like, Oh, look at that. I'm looking on my phone and I look up and we are three feet from the car in front of us at 75, 80 miles an hour. And I just do a quick, like into the left lane, like, well, if someone's in the left lane, we're, I'm sorry, but we're both screwed. And I got through it and, uh, I'm never looking at the phone and driving again. And my son yelled out, dad,

what the F are you doing? And that's the only time I'll let him use the F word in front of me. But, uh, uh, there's a lesson to be learned. What's the lesson, Bill? I don't know. You just can't text and drive or read and drive. Yeah. Yeah, don't. I felt like shit.

Don't look at the phone when your kids are in the car. I think if it's just you, you can send emails. No, I'm kidding. I could do it? No. It sounds like Days of Thunder. Not a great story, but I felt bad. What's that?

It sounds like Days of Thunder. Cruise driving through the smoke like he didn't know if he was going to come out of it well yeah that's what I said you have to move

admit it it was terrible driving followed by spectacular driving I mean I was just parallel with the car next to me to get over

but I'm not proud don't text or look at scores and drive parent cornered. My story is also a car trip. My daughter had a soccer game yesterday in Corona, California.

Any idea where that is? Corona? I'm guessing it's by San Diego, right? Yeah. No. No, it's not. It would have been nice if it was by San Diego, right? Yeah. No. No, it's not. It would have been nice if it was by San Diego. It's not south?

Ah, it was south. It was south. It was... Mexico? Where is it? It was a good hour and a half. It was like past... You eventually hit the I-15.

You drive by Norco, where a lot of the tournaments are out here, and then you just kind of keep going and it was probably a good hour and a half and the game was at I'm going to say like 11 o'clock so this is basically my

day off so to speak but I had the Red Sox on that coming up later you just like to kick back and relax and this is an hour and a half trip and probably two hours back because of the traffic. And,

you know, at this point, this is my whole day. By the time we get home, it's going to be three. So it would have been nice if my daughter played well in the game. She has her worst game of the season.

And it was more like, you know, she plays at the top she has her worst game of the season. Oh, no. It was more like, you know, she plays at the top, and it's like, you just got to run. Like, just try hard all the time when you're out there. Just bust your ass. And it was like, she was conditionally busting her ass, but she wasn't in the right places the couple of times.

And I was just mad because I felt like she had had this, you know, I felt like she was playing well. And then this was like just, I don't want to say a mail-in, but I wasn't happy with it. And we had talked on the way there. We were like, wow, after the game, we'll go to In-N-Out Burger.

Or, you know, if you do well, we'll go here. And we're just talking about all the lunch options. If you do poorly, we'll go to Shakey's. Right. So we win the game 1-0 against a team that was in last place in our league. And we barely win the game.

And if she had been in the right spot, I feel like she could have had a couple goals. And I was just like, and now it's like, I don't know, almost 1 o'clock by the time we get home, it's 3. My whole day is shot. And we get in in the car and she knows I'm going to be mad. And, uh, and we're just driving in silence. And she's like, are we going to eat? And I was like,

you can eat the gum that's in the middle of the console. You can have gum. I'm not stopping. I'm going home. I bet this ride's been long enough. And then we just drove in silence for the next hour and a half. We didn't have lunch. But there's a kicker. No, I was like, screw this. I'm just driving home.

That's why she can't score. You're not feeding her. You need to feed these kids. I was like, there's gum. That's lunch. So anyway, I was just so mad. We are terrible fathers, my God. No, listen.

It was my whole Saturday. I was like, could you at least try the whole game? So in her mind, she needs to score a goal? No, no, no. Just run. She's got to run. Just run. She's 13.

Run. She knows what to do. That was what annoyed me. And I never get mad about stuff anymore, but what made me mad was this was my whole Saturday. And it was like, if I was going to do this whole giant round trip, like,

could you have told me ahead of time that you weren't going to like run your ass off in the game? Well, what would you have done? You still would have had to go. Nah, I would have just skipped it. I would have,

would have, would have sent her an Uber. So anyway, I find it. I would have sent her an Uber. So anyway. I find it's easier and more palatable if you check scores as you're driving. No, there's a moral to this story because I'm not proud of how I reacted. I should have just said, yeah, it happens. You had a bad game. Let's go to In-N-Out.

On the way home, I pass over to go into the little carpool lane with the whatever, where you have like, you know, I have the little gadget where it's like the little toll. Right. I crossed over to a white double line, which I thought you could do. I thought you couldn't only cross over the yellow line. Got pulled over by a cop. $380. Yeah. Got pulled over by a cop, got a ticket.

Nice. So if you thought it was icy in the car before this. Oh, no. Now there's a ticket. Now it's just dead, dead silence. And the only thing that was making me happy was I was going to call you and say, my day has sucked today. I know the Yankees are going to beat the Red Sox.

I'm going to buy the win. I'm going to bet the Yankees. So that's all I thought about the last 20 minutes of the ride. Just calling you and be like, listen, don't ask. I've had a shitty day. I'm going to take the Yankees. But I didn't do that. I didn't do that. I didn't buy the win.

So then I stayed home, watched the Yankees beat the Red Sox, then decided to make up for bad dad behavior. Whole family goes to a star is born and I skipped the UFC 229 and missed the greatest UFC thing ever. That was my Saturday, Sal. Happy day off.

Happy day off to the dads out there. I don't know what the moral was there I really don't because you try to do the right thing it was just a just a bad day so I skipped

how much was she laughing when you got pulled over she she wasn't laughing she was looking for more gum officer can you please

do you have a biscuit or a crack or anything so anyway she I didn't go today but she Officer, can you please, do you have a biscuit or a crack or anything? So anyway, I didn't go today, but she came up. She's like, I really was running around. You would have been proud of me. I'm like, all right, great.

That's nice. Good there. We let her eat today. That's good. That's smart. You didn't get nailed to the seatbelt, huh? No. No, he didn't notice that one. You're right. You didn't get nailed to the seatbelt, huh? No, no, he didn't. He didn't notice that one. You're right. I didn't have the seatbelt on. I probably could have gotten nailed for that too.

Good for you. I did. I did. I did apologize later, but I did give the speech like, look, we, and I'm sure you've given the same speech to your kids. Look, we make a big commitment. You're playing these sports. We drive you around. We're basically your chauffeur. The only thing we're asking from you is that you you're all in when you're out there. That's it. Yeah. I don't think that's asking for that. It's fair. I would have liked that. I would have liked that from my, my parents. I think that's good. I go to all your games. I go to as many as I can. I am a super supportive parent. I never say anything. Just respect that we put

in the time. I think that's fair. Thank you. Now you and your dad are arguing about price and whether he should start. My dad threw me under the bus on Twitter today. The gold comes around. It's ridiculous. Let's do parent corner. Go ahead.

This comes secondhand from my wife because i'm out of town but uh my son my oldest son had a flag football game and so my wife had to bring everybody and my father goes to these games and it's like um you know it's for the middle school so they travel and they play like the rival i think they played redondo they played the rival uh school this week and uh it's a good game. It's getting late. But someone on the other team, one of the team moms wheels up. She has a wheelchair and she has like nubs for legs and nubs, unfortunately, for arms, too.

And my four year old who's four, but he's also an asshole, says to her, you have no arms. And my wife goes crazy. She's like, you don't say that. You don't say that to somebody. And the woman's like, oh, it's okay. It's okay. And then he pauses for like 20 seconds and looks over and is like,

you have no legs either. And so then my wife has to reprimand him. And now it's really uncomfortable. And so she has an assistance dog as you can imagine like pulling the wheelchair um and she's got like attached to her nub she has like a uh a prosthetic one prosthetic half arm that could reach out and like handle the leash for the dog and so my wife is like says to my to my younger kids not playing in the game says go over there and play with the dog. And so my wife is like, says to my younger kids, not playing in the game, says, go over there and play with the dog.

Be nice. Show some concern and be nice to this woman. So they go over there. And it's not long after they're instructed to go over there that they drive the dog crazy to a point where the dog, like, loses it and pulls away from this woman. And in doing so, pulls the nub out of her arm socket where she's holding the where she's holding the leash and now this thing's on the ground

and my father who also has a cane sees this and he scrambles to his credit and goes to um push the arm back in using his cane goes to push the arm back into this woman's socket and but he's jamming it like he like he's like he's banging a tv in 1975 to try to get reception jamming it in with the help of the cane and now this woman's daughter comes like no it's okay it's all right it's all right so um i think the moral of the story is just don't bring your parents or your kids anywhere right i don't know how to sum this up but it's uh it really just seemed like a like a current like a seinfeld episode mixed with three's company so mixed with curvy enthusiasm wow yeah be nice to

the handicapped people and and just don't keep the kids in the house with the ipads that was some story unbelievable ridiculous i had to ask for the details like three times i was like come on that can't be true are there character of the year points handed out for that or no does your son character of the year my son and the dog split points i I think Jesus have no legs or arms either. A jerk. Unbelievable. I think four year olds are really the worst human beings on earth. Just,

just across the board. Cause they're smart enough to know what they shouldn't say, but they'll absolutely say it. And they don't care. I know. I'm not even kidding. Like I should keep them in the whole year because by five or five and a half,

you can kind of learn what's right and wrong right yeah my parent corner is i took my son to his first real concert on friday night nephew kyle was there as well we went to see a show with migos and drake two of his three favorite musical artists. And there was a lot of marijuana in the arena, like a lot. A lot, like a lot of marijuana smoke. Enough that I was wondering whether it was the right idea, but my son took so much joy and excitement out of this. I actually Instagrammed him singing Fight Night with Nephew Kyle because he was delighted. The chorus of that song is,

gonna knock that pussy out like Fight Night. So I have that on Instagram. So that was great. He got to see just lots of people who probably weren't wearing enough clothes. Yeah. Just an incredible amount of people out there that maybe don't go to the gym all the time, but will still wear outfits like they do. I'll leave it at that.

Right. So it was an eye-opening experience left and right for him. But the big thing was we were able to go backstage to see Quavo who is the kind of star of Migos. Although I think they're all stars. But I think he just had an album come out this week.

And my son's a huge fan of Quavo. And he's actually an interesting guy because he was I'm trying to get him on a podcast at some point because he was like this phenomenal athlete and chose music over sports. Yeah, he was like this three-sport athlete in Georgia and probably could have played either college or basketball in college. Could have played quarterback for the Giants? Probably right now. So when my son met him, he'd been working on,

he didn't want to screw up the handshake. So he and nephew Kyle had been working on the handshake. Kyle, you want to explain the handshake? It was just, it's the daps. It's the, it's the,

it's like skins. It's like almost like gimme skins. There's just a little bit of flavor. Hard slap though. The noise is part of it. So he was really concerned about that. He had his, he's wearing Air Jordans.

So meets Quavo, does the slap. We thought he executed it really nicely. Yeah, made a good sound. And then they're talking and Quavo,

Quavo's looking at him and he checks out like, Ben's wearing like this Air Jordan outfit, kind of a retro old school. My son, for some reason, has really kind of,

I don't know. Would you agree? He's got like a fashion style to him. I think it was the Jordan 13s or 14s that he was wearing that did it to him. So Quavo's, he's kind of making small talk, but then he kind of takes a step back and he looks, what did he say, Kyle? He's like, damn, you're dripping or something like that. He's like, damn, look at those shoes. You dripping. So that was really exciting. Quavo told my son that he was dripping. And I don't know.

I'm not the coolest guy on the earth, but Quavo told my son I was dripping. I really felt it was a cool moment for me. I think his second favorite part was every time they told him to put his middle finger up. Right, yeah. He was like the first kid with his middle finger up. Migos kept asking the crowd to put their middle fingers up,

which you're not gonna win this but my son was happy to oblige on that you already had it up yeah he said they're up and ready to roll and then uh on the way home i was like man that was a lot of a lot of pot smoke you feeling all right you feeling all right ben what did he say i think i'm high he goes i think i got a little high he goes i think i got a little high so He goes, I think I got a little high. So that was it. That's my parent quarter. I think you're getting Cody points.

Forget about my four-year-old. I think my son got secondhand high. My fifth grade son might have gotten second grade high, but you know what? I'd do it again. It was great. Let me ask you this. As far as a cool factor thing goes,

you take them to a lot of cool places, I will say. Yeah. If taking him to, was it a pre-seat no was it you took him to a red sox game in tampa right yes that was not long ago what is that one to ten what is this one to ten in terms of how cool he thinks you are for taking him getting a royal treatment at a game or backstage. No, he takes me for granted all the time. No, just this year. Really? He got to be a ball boy at the All-Star game, and he got to meet Ben Simmons and Jason Tatum.

He got to meet Quavo. He's gone with WrestleMania with you in the past, and he's met a lot of those dudes. But did that wrestling entrance like a month ago, right? The wrestling entrance at NXT, it's really, somehow he always wins. And if he could even execute basic math, it would be a bonus. Even just the easiest long division problem possible, if he could just bang that out once, it would be a bonus.

But that's good. He's at least had some good experiences. I'm with you. Yeah. It's like, hey, do you want to work on your stuff? Hold on. I'm playing Fortnite squads. Yeah.

What can you do? Well, at least he doesn't take pleasure in poking fun at the disabled. So you got that. At least you've passed that. And he is dripping. You got that. At least you passed that. And he is dripping. He's dripping. I'd never heard that expression before, Kyle. I'm a 49-year-old.

You're dripping swag, basically. Just dripping off you. It felt like a compliment. It was. That's definitely a compliment. My son's dripping. You sure your nose wasn't running or anything? Maybe he had nasal drip.

What do you got for parent corner for me? I don't have a lot because I was away all week. I was in Brooklyn, and I didn't see a lot of the kids today. I got home yesterday. But I know my 10-year-old is quitting taekwondo. Oh, no. Why? What happened?

That's it. He decided he doesn't want to do it. And he has a cough. Every time he has to go to a lesson, he has a cough. It's amazing. You wouldn't believe it. And now, so, he wants to quit, and he wants to take golf lessons, which is like giving your cat

golf lessons. He's going to hit it. He's going to hit the ball like six yards every time. That's it. He's... Wait a second. How many belts was he up to? Probably six belts. Blue is like the sixth belt.

And he breaks the boards all right, but it's hard, isn't it? And like I said, he gets a cough every time he has to go practice. It's a conditional cough? That's right, yeah. What happens when you're in Brooklyn with Kimmel Show all week?

What happens on that Saturday? What's your wife's reaction to you when you waltz back through the door after a week of eating all this free food that Jimmy gets? So happy to see me. I mean, just delighted at whatever I picked up at the airport three minutes

before I boarded for everybody. I don't, you know, it's me. I have to take care of everything from there on. Kyle. It's not a good thing. Kyle, do you have a parent corner about either of my kids for this week? Anything jumping out at you? I wish I did.

I don't know. We could skip it. People think we make these things up. I've got notes that Simmons is purposely becoming a C-minus parent just so that he could have a story for Sunday night. I was like, well, that's not really fair. These are actual stories. Did I do the one about the adult voice coming from Ben's Fortnite? Have I done that one yet?

Oh, let's do that one. So, you know, Ben playing fortnite in his room and usually it's like him and his moron friends and they're playing duos and they're talking they facetime each other and they play duos or they play squads and they're like let's go over to snobby shores or whatever and they go and they conspire and they try to beat these other people who are online. So I'm used to hearing like these little boys voices and dude, come on. So I'm walking by his door and I hear what I thought was an adult voice. And I'm like, what the hell is that?

So I go in and I'm like, who is that? It's like, dad. I'm like, I just heard a guy's voice who, you know, cause he has, my son has the headset on and he can talk to people and they can hear him. And I'm like, who is the guy? And he's like, it's my Fortnite trainer. And I'm like, what?

I'm like, what do you mean Fortnite trainer? And he's like, I'm like, are you paying him? Cause you don't have any money. You don't have a credit card. Like, what's going on? I thought you were going to say it was Kenjen Barner. It might have been. Wow, all right.

No. And he's not paying him. It was just this guy who's helping him out with Fortnite. And I'm like, how'd you meet this guy? And he goes, I met him online playing Fortnite. No. And I'm like, I'm like, how'd you meet this guy? And he goes, I met him online playing Fortnite. And I'm like, what is happening? So needless to say, Ben has some random adult online who's helping him with Fortnite. I'm going to say it's a concern. I don't know. It just seems concerning. Maybe I'm crazy. It's not that great. Yeah. It's not great. Right. A stranger who's

decided to befriend a 10 yearyear-old who plays video, they can play video games together. And made up a title like Fortnite Trainer. I don't know. Fortnite Trainer? Is this what Michael Jackson would have done in 2018? Like, is this how he would have met people? I don't know.

I don't like it. So anyway, Ben's Fortnite Trainer is no longer with us. So you banned him from interacting with this gentleman. Unless Ben is cheating on me and lying to me and still in contact with the adult Fortnite trainer. Well, you know, so you're going to end up having to get him an actual trainer, aren't you? Maybe.

Maybe Taekwondo. No, no, an actual Fortnite trainer. I mean, these things are big, and I used to think it's stupid, and then I see how much money you could win in these tournaments. Like, well, maybe this is like anything else, where if you could get good at it, it is worth it. Yes, people win like 500 grand. Yeah.

I have one more. I'm going to double up. I know you have to go, but I also have an uncle corner this week. Oh. For Nephi Kyle. one more. I'm going to double up. I know you have to go, but I also have an uncle corner this week. For Nephi Kyle. We had suspected that he might be sort of back together with the ex. And Daman was over

and I read between the lines of some story and he kind of spilled the beans. And Nephi Kyle is not out of the woods yet, doesn't seem like. But that's not the nephew corner. He's back with her. She saw the tattoo and she took him back. Yeah, something happened.

So they were explaining to me what Bumble is. Do you know what Bumble is, Sal? I did know. This is my episode of Uncle Corner. So Bumble is like Tinder, except the women are in control and they control the interaction. So it operates the same way as Tinder, except you can swipe whatever way

to tell whoever that you think they're cute or whatever the hell happens with these crazy youngsters. And then you can hear from them in 24 hours and end up getting together. But the women are in control. Bumble. It eliminates rejection, which is nice.

It eliminates rejection. Daman was a big fan of the Bumble scene in LA. Oh, yeah. Really? He's on three others that he's not even letting you know about. He hit the ground running, for sure. If we ever have a... What are these called?

Are they called dating apps or something more nefarious? I think that's what they're called, dating apps or something more nefarious? I think that's what they're called, dating apps, yeah. All right. Well, he enjoys... What's the quality like compared to... On both sides, men and women, compared to Tinder? I'm not sure. I think you just got to be careful in Hollywood.

You just really got to be careful in Hollywood. That's all I'll say. That's all I'll say. Savan, he met some lady, but it turned out it was a male Fortnite trainer. And he got freaked out. You can tell by the handshake. I'll say. Savan, he met some lady, but it turned out it was a male Fortnite trainer. I was going to say. You can tell by the handshake. Yeah.

So Bumble. There's this whole world going on that we just never experienced. Where you just go on a website, you swipe a couple times, and the next thing you know, you're- They just show up. Next thing you're at a Starbucks meeting somebody. I don't get it, Sal. I don't know what God did to us to decide that we had to be born 20 years too early.

Missed all this. Well, between pointless golf lessons and Fortnite trainers, we better hit one of these teasers. Well, good job by us today, though. We did all right today, except for Sir Blake Bortles. Let's take a break to talk about FanDuel, where you get the excitement of researching and building your team each week, regardless of the outcome.

And now, fantasy's over. And football hit this little dead spot in basketball. We're starting to get back into it. Maybe remember who's on what team in the NBA. College, you can do that. All the college guys. Golf's coming. Whole lot of great FanDuel is coming.

It's all coming. Yeah. Well, I've tried other DFS sites before. FanDuel is clearly the place to play whether you're ready for a fresh start or you just love daily fantasy. Come over to FanDuel. Get a $5 bonus and make first deposit.

Pick a new fantasy team every week, get all the fresh starts you need to get back to winning. I need daily fantasy because my football, the league that I'm in, the league with Sal where somebody gets voted out, had a terrible ending to it. It really made me sad. I might never play league long fantasy again. We might win our league, by the way. Well, we might win our league by the way

well we might win our league the ringer league I'm talking about the one with Sal the important one got it come play with me at fanduel.com new users only bonus not available for withdrawal state and age restrictions apply for felt eligibility rules and terms and conditions go to fanduel.com

let's do a little parent corner and then wrap it up. Alright. Well, mine comes from tonight at the game. I'm sitting next to Dickie Barrett and I got my son there and I have Kevin, Kimmel, Jimmy's son and it's the four of us

and we're behind the Dodgers dugout. We're lucky enough to have nice seats. We're behind the Dodgers dugout and Dickie is a big, big Red Sox fan. Mighty, mighty boss tones. Lead singer, you know, Todd, Todd core Red Sox as it goes. Yeah. And the game is getting out of hand as far as the four one game could be.

And, uh, Mookie bets. It's the home bets at the home run to make it five one. Right. Yeah. It's the home run to make it five one, right? Yeah. It's a home run to make it five one. So I thought I'll get this cool shot on my camera of Dickie celebrating in the foreground and Mookie Betts rounding second coming towards us in the background. And so Dickie stands up and his phone falls and I don't think anything of it, but I'm scrambling to take, to get my phone off lock and then start recording Dickie's thing.

And Dickie celebrates, drops his phone and then grabs my phone and won't let go of it. And now we're like struggling and like people are watching us. And I'm like, what are you doing? And I thought this was part of his celebration. He was going to grab my phone and like throw it against the netting in front of us or something. But I'm not letting go of my phone because I don't know what he's up to. And now he elbows me in the eye, and he's really grabbing at this phone to a point where I think Mookie Betts is watching us fight

as he's coming around second base here. And now I elbow him in the ribs, and I look up, and now he finally lets go to the phone and says will you just give me my effing phone back I was like it's not your phone dude I'm trying to record you celebrate your phone's on the floor so he he he thought that I stole his phone and was like doing weird things with it so we almost had a fistfighter as a result I look over to the right and my boy and he's definitely my boy, my 13 year old Archie is recording the whole thing, records the whole altercation,

which I want to put on. I want to try to put online, but Dickie's mad because he knows he behaved like an ass buffoon and now he's not allowing us to do it, but I'm going to get him to sign off on it. So there you go. There's my boy. So the same person who took a selfie with Damon and Affleck and put it up without asking their permission is now upset. Now he won't

give you permission to use this video. Is that what you're telling me? You know what, Bill? You're right. I had not even considered that side of it. Damn it, you're right. Good. I'm going to write that down. Unbelievable. Oh, man. I was like, what is going on here?

My eye is a little sore. I was like, what the hell? What a maniac this guy is. Team one. He's the one that took his phone. I don't have a good parent corner this week. Really? I don't know what to be good.

Yeah, I didn't want to force one. I mean, I took my son to game four, and they had the souvenir cup Dodger things, right? The World Series cups. It's like extra. It's a giant Coke. So I got that for my son, and I just got to say, I really feel like that's like little kid cocaine.

If they're going to drink that much Coke, because they're going to finish the souvenir cup. It's not like a little kid's going to go, I'm going to drink half of that. I shouldn't have all of it. They're going to have the whole thing. So he has the whole thing. And then he's hopped up from the moment.

He's just crashing like before nothing he's crashing the same way you would crash if you're like at some nightclub and you've mixed all these drugs together. And then they went back up and he's all like boisterous and crazy. Cause he's got like 42 ounces of Coke in his system and he's clapping and I'm settling them down. and he's like losing his mind during the game. And, uh, and it was honestly like we were at a nightclub and we had just done an eight ball in the bathroom, but it was a world series souvenir cup. So maybe they could do something different now that the whole country is obese. Maybe, maybe it's just like a souvenir straw. Forget about the cup. It doesn't need to, you know, it's bigger than some apartments in LA at this point.

Yeah. What I was thinking was there should be, the souvenir cup should have some sort of gimmick with it where it seems like it's a full soda, but it's really only like one third full. And the rest of it is like, uh, it's like some weighted, whatever that moves around and he keeps thinking he's sipping the soda, but it's just nothing. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, put some heft to it. Either that or make it like a champagne glass kind of thing,

where it's just skinnier. Oh, like it gets skinny as it goes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because then we come home and he's up to like 1230 playing Fortnite because he's like trying to come down. It's like, Kyle, what do you take when you need to come down. It's like, what do you, Kyle, what do you,

what do you take when you need to come down at the end of the day? Sleep. Ambien? Food. Food, usually. Food? Food.

Try to get the itis and fall asleep. Uncle Corner. That's what you do when you try to get the itis? Yeah. Absolutely. Keep a trash can close by. What's the thing when,

when people mix drugs who are like super, super, uh, druggy, like love cocaine and then they go the other way, Quaaludes, right? Quaaludes. Absolutely. Keep a trash can close by. What's the thing when people mix drugs who are like super, super druggie? Like love cocaine and then they go the other way. Quaaludes. Quaaludes? Are people still getting their hands on Quaaludes?

I'm so old. I have no idea. Quaaludes. They don't have Quaaludes anymore? I think they'd be expired Quaaludes, which I think the Wolf of Wall Street taught us is a no-no. Maybe that's what they should have with the souvenir cups. They should have something that also brings the kid down. Like you have the

giant souvenir cup, but then it's like Sour Patch Kids, but they're flavored in a way that they make the kids sedated. Yeah, they're sedated Sour Patch Kids. You mix those up together. Speaking of kids doing drugs, Kyle, did you have fun at my Halloween party yesterday? I had a fantastic time.

I had a fantastic time. It was great. Kyle has a story, actually. Kyle, did you have fun at my Halloween party yesterday? I had a fantastic time. I had a fantastic time. It was great. Kyle has a story, actually. Kyle was there. Kyle has a story about Ken. Oh, I was going to say, let me hear. I know he corrupted him. Actually, can I just tell Kyle's story of Ken? I'll tell the edited version of it.

He's like, Kyle tells me I met Ken. I'm like, oh, you met Ken. He's like, yeah. Oh, that was the first time. Yeah, and he's like, yeah. I was like, good guy, right? And he's like, Kyle tells me I met Ken. I'm like, oh, you met Ken. He's like, yeah. Oh, that was the first time. Yeah. And he's like, yeah. I was like, good guy, right? And he's like, yeah.

He coughed on me twice. And the second time, stuff came out of his mouth and went all over my face. So that was a bummer. Was it Quaaludes? I don't think Quaaludes smelled like that. I'm like, what do you mean he coughed? And he's like, well, we were doing something and it ended up with him coughing.

Debris, Sal. Debris. He coughed debris on me. And so I wish that... Checking his prostate? What did he cough? Why is he coughing? Kyle, what happened? So I wish that hadn't happened. But good guy. Overall, it was a good party.

Wasn't a deal breaker for me. When he coughed debris on me. Other than that, good guy. So yeah, he got to meet Ken. I was really sad I missed the Halloween party. I thought you dressed up as a Cobra Kai guy, which I thought was magnificent. You were missed.

Yeah, it was YouTube themed. And yeah, I was a Cobra Kai guy. But I will say the ringer guys for the ladies there, you know, my cousin Mickey and actually Daniel, he has a lot of time here. His wife was like, hey, introduce me to your friends. So now I have Jimmy Kimmel Live friends. I have Lock It In Fox friends. And I was like, oh, and I thought she pointed to the Fox people.

So I go to move over to them. And they're like, no, no, no. We don't want to meet them. We want to meet those guys. Points to the ringer guy. Oh, wow. Tate and Titus and Kyle. I was like, oh, all right, here you go.

Wow. Yeah. Made some noise there. Yeah. One shiny boner. Jesus. So this is now they're taking this on the road oh yeah

this could be dangerous yeah it's gonna be good so the lock it in people were there so you had like three different parts of your order we had a lot of groups there

yeah exciting a lot of coolers a lot of coolers and Ken you know the sad thing though is that in the PC era

you really nobody can cross any sort of line with a hollywood costume anymore i won't even tell stories about some of the costumes that have happened in years past but now those days are just gone now it's like just cobra kai and that's as far as anyone can go right yeah yeah no i we had a guy dress up. He, uh, so it was YouTube theme. So anything you've ever seen on YouTube, and there was once a popular woman who stomped grapes and this guy went as the grape stomping woman and his feet were purple. And someone asked like, why do you have black feet? And he's like, no, no, no. I have purple feet. Like, Oh, well, people are going to think you have black feet. Like, Oh,

Jesus Christ, please leave them alone. They purple shamed them. Yeah. They purple shshamed him? Yeah, they purple-shamed him. The Barney supporters are coming out in full force. I went, my best costume ever, I went to an 80s party that was actually at Jason Schiff's house.

And I dressed as Billy Hicks from St. Elmo's Fire, the Rob Lowe character. Oh, nice. And it was actually the only time I've ever really put time into a Halloween costume to really look like somebody. I was really proud of myself. Because I was always, like in college,

would always just go as Brandon from 90210 and just put fake sideburns on. I was ready to go. You've always taken Halloween a lot more seriously. I like it because it's a, you know, parties have that first half hour to get going, but the Halloween party is nice because you got the costume thing.

You automatically are going to talk about that. But yeah, I went as a one, one year we had a theme of criminals and I was George Michael Vick. I dressed as George Michael and Michael Vick. I mixed them up. That's awesome. Let's go to

Parent Corner. Alright, so I'm just starting now getting a taste of, I was lucky all these years, getting the kids playing all their soccer games, all their flag football games, all their basketball games in town here. So I'd have

like a three minute ride, sometimes five minutes. But now my oldest joined this club league and it takes you to all that. We haven't driven under an hour on a Saturday in like six weeks. So this tournament took him to Mission Viejo. Where is this ladera you've been there right yeah i've been to a lot of these places yeah all right so that's where that is and that's uh 55 miles takes a buck 15 in traffic if you're lucky so i tell my wife he has two games saturday he has two uh he has one game sunday he has two games sunday if he wins he's in the finals yeah so i was like all right i'll do saturday and then I'll take the other two kids on Sunday to football to Corolla's and then on Sunday you take him to freaking Mission Viejo like great all right so we go Saturday they win both

they're coming back Sunday Sunday uh I'm at Corolla's the wife's there at the game he wins the first game now he's in the final so now I'm a little bummed. The wife's there at the game. He wins the first game. Now he's in the final. So now I'm a little bummed at myself for not going there. Right? Now I don't know what to do. Now you feel like a bad parent. Yeah, I feel like a bad parent, even though I'm watching the other two. So I say, listen, text me the scores.

She's like, all right, they're down 10. So I'm kind of glad they're down 10. I'm like, all right, I don't want to be there when they win the title. And then they fight back. She's like, they're down one with five seconds left and their kid's at the line. I'm like, FaceTime me right now. I got to get in on this. And Archie's having a good game. He's got like eight points and a bunch of rebounds and a steal. I was like, I got to see this. And so she haphazardly turns the camera it's all a mess we should have this down by now but we're facetiming we're watching the kid has three

free throws he misses the first two makes the third ties it for my son's team there's three seconds left the uh the opposing team inbounds it my son archie he fouls the kid he fouls a kid oh no the J.R. Smith no they were up he thought they were down one oh he intentionally fouled him yeah he thought they were down one because he got confused with the three free throws and I'm like and I'm screaming into the damn like what's he doing she's like oh yeah they shouldn't have called it I was like no no no from what I see he went right after the kid he tried to foul him she's like no no no I From what I see, he went right after the kid. He tried to foul him. He's like, no, no, no. I don't know why the ref called. I was like, he intends, me from 50 miles away can tell what's going on on a blurry screen, but she couldn't say, but whatever. So the kid of course gets a one-on-one, sinks the first one. He's devastated. I want to yell at him over FaceTime, but the

FaceTime kicks out. So now I have to wait for him to get home like two and a half hours and uh i see him and at that point i was like i can't i can't yell at him would you now i think you would have yelled at him right but i feel like he's been through enough for two and a half hours and i wasn't there so it makes me an extra bad parent to lay into him so i just uh i just just tapped him on the shoulder and then came in the room and watched the Patriots game. Wasn't that the right thing to do? Yeah. I don't think...

First of all, phenomenal story. I don't think it's good to yell at kids for screw-ups. I think the only thing trial and error over the years is effort you can yell at them for. Yeah. Especially if there's been driving. Well, fouling in a tie game is too much effort, right? Well, yeah, that's like a brain fart though.

That's like, you know, he's going to be the hardest on himself on that thing. Right. But like if it's like a fast break where he just decided not to run back and they got a layup, like that's the kind of thing where it's like, what are you doing? I just sacrificed my Sunday. You're not going to run back and they got a layup. Like that's the kind of thing where it's like, what are you doing? We just sacrificed my Sunday. You're not going to run. Right.

Right. Yeah. That's what I couldn't even say that. I'm like, I, here I am not sacrificing my Sunday and you're intentionally fouling for no reason. Like it didn't make sense. So do you think there should be a course for, for wives and moms to learn how to FaceTime sporting events

for their husbands who aren't there. Because I've had similar issues with my wife. And it's honestly like they're trying to land the challenger. Right. Or vice versa. We don't want to be sexist here. There are some wives that want to see from home and husbands that don't want to do it know how to do it.

Listen, I'm only judging from the experience of my wife and your wife. that want to see from home and husbands that don't want to do it know how to do it all right listen i only i only know of course i'm only judging from the experience of my wife and your wife okay so we can we know we can at least start a course where just our two wives would learn how to facetime successfully at a sporting event and if more people want to come god bless them but oh yeah for the first 15 seconds my wife had it on her face i was like i don't need to hear from you i i want to see the i could we could text each other or we could talk just on the phone to hear from you. I don't need to see, you know, have your hair back in a bandana. Like, it doesn't matter. She thought her expressions were enough for the FaceTime, not the actual 10 people on the court? It's like the real world confessional or something.

I don't know. I don't know what you needed. My parent corner, my son, he had a baseball game today, which I went to the first one. He struck out the first time up. The second time, he bats clean up. So sometimes there's runners on base. So third and second, we're down.

We kind of need a hit. He gets his big hit, runs to second, lands on second, does the... You know when the guy in the Astros, they get to second, they do the clap, and then they point to the dugout? Yeah, right. So does the clap,

points to the dugout, and then does the Brock Holt hip shake thing from the Red Sox thing all in a row I was it was incredible I've never been more appalled

and proud of him at the same time it was phenomenal really great like really mimic to a tee everything he saw during the baseball playoffs

all in one play big hit the clap at second and I'm like man this kid's really figuring out so then i took my my daughter to the soccer game and then uh my wife texted me and said well no more fortnight for ben and i said what do you mean and he was playing fortnight he got mad they lost he threw his controller against the tv and broke the screen oh no so he no longer has a tv So that all happened in the span of five hours.

Wow. Well, and you were also proud and devastated at the same time, right? No, that one I was just mad. I'm positive he knows not to throw the controller at the TV. He really gets mad now. The Fortnite, when they lose, it really feels like he's personally, like he's under attack. But I was going to say, a lot of this is gravy.

This went over. Like the first week in November to break a screen out of anger over a video game? This is his first one. This went over by like 13 months, I think. It's a really terrible job by him. Because guess what? No more hand-me-down TVs. Right.

That's it. No more. Heme-down TVs. Right. That's it. No more. There's a TV list in his room now. But honestly, you say no more, but he's going to be playing in three weeks, right? He can have his iPhone and choke on it for all I care. I'm so mad that he did that. What a little dick he is. Is it playable or is it really just shattered?

Well, that's the thing. I was thinking of doing the thing where you just leave the TV in there with the crack in it and they just have to. It's like, hey, man, it's your TV. Yeah, exactly. Put some tape on it. Can't help how you decorated it. All right, we're back.

I have an apology to make to my degenerate son. Last week I said on the parent corner that he threw his remote at the TV and broke the TV and now is banned from playing Fortnite. What actually happened was he threw the controller on the ground angrily. It bounced off the ground

and ricocheted into the TV. Oh, wow. What's funny is my son adamantly saying how he didn't throw the controller into the TV. That's not what happened. I threw it off the ground and it bounced into the TV. That's somehow much better. So anyway, apologies to him.

I had my facts. Well, what he didn't tell you is that he had been practicing that move for weeks, bouncing it off the ground into the TV. So I don't know. You could maybe give him more credit. I don't even know how he did it. Like I, what are the, his TV is probably like four or five feet up off the ground.

It had to have been a real whip. You got to live parent corner today as Brad was heckling and braiding my son and talking about how he's going to be trouble. And it's fine. I went one for two cause he likes my daughter, but this other one, he's almost hopeless. We played pig. You didn't hear when he was taunting your, your son Paul while he's playing pig. He's like, Oh, are you going to hit the rim? Every time, uh,

every time your son would shoot him like, Oh, cover your head, cover your head, screaming at him. Frick! Screaming at him. What do you got for Paracorner this week? Not a lot other than, well, you know what? The greatest athletic performance in the Iconal family

for many generations to come occurred this Saturday when my four-year-old Harrison scored six goals. Wow. Six goals. After not scoring one, I guess he scored one the whole season, first seven games.

Scored six. Doesn't do anything special. He hustles after the ball. He runs through his kicks, follows through, and just is very focused. And actually, he does do one thing special. After the goal, he does a Bushwacker-type celebration dance celebration dance not even really a dance but he just does you know look at it online the bushwhackers were a tag team in the late 80s early 90s in the wwf and uh and he did that he avoids the handshakes and everything um he just bushwhackers his way back to midfield and they

start again so congratulations congratulations, Harrison. There you go. Did the other parents look at you kind of side-eyed a little bit when you were still in the Bushwacker? After like the fourth goal, I was like kind of drifting towards my car a little. I was like, all right, come on. Also, play a little defense. You don't have to go up every time. He really wanted those goals.

I think nothing would be funnier than if he became a soccer kid and was like in the club soccer scene and you had to go to all these soccer games. After all the shit you've given me over the years. I have it with basketball now, the worst. My parent corner is really quick, but I think it says a lot. It's a very short story. I was sitting watching TV with my son like three nights ago and he was playing on his iPad and he's like, Dad?

And I was like, yeah? And he's like, do you think I'll ever be the president of a frat someday? Wow. And I was like, probably? And he's like, alright, cool. And I was like, probably. And he's like, all right,

cool. And then just went back to the fortnight. I have no idea why he asked me this. I don't know if he now aspires to be the president of a frat, but, uh, were you watching, uh,

we were, I was watching like basketball. It was, that's what made it weird. It wasn't like watching animal house. It like Revenge of the Nerds was on. It was just out of nowhere. He was just on his mind. He was wondering if someday there's a roadmap to him becoming the president of a frat. I would have maybe issued a follow-up

question there. What the hell are you talking about? I didn't know anything about frats and presidents and everything. So then we saw friends this weekend whose son went to USC and they have frats at USC and he was in a frat and he was telling my wife about the frat and she's like I think Ben should go to

USC because they have frats. And I'm like what's going on? Yeah. And then the other thing is he. Does USC have concrete screens in their plasma TVs? Hopefully. That's what they need more than Fred. So then the other, my other part of the parent corner is he told me we were out.

Oh, at the Staples Center. Yeah. He smelled, he smelled weed in LA Live. And told us that he knows what weed smells like because from the Migos concert. And now he knows what it smells like.

Well, now he smells hot dogs. And he's like, that's weed. I was like, no, that's food. And he's like, oh, okay. But that was weed. He's the weed detective. It's hard to blame the aroma on the California fires at the Migos That was weed. And I was like, he's the weed detective. It's hard to smell the, it's hard to blame the aroma on the California fires at the Migos concert the month ago.

Nephew Kyle has a, has a, has a cousin corner. Oh, from the game. Yeah. So some dude stopped this fucking tattoo I have now. It's like a fucking target on me.

So we were leaving the Clippers game and some guy was screamed out nephew kyle and i turned around because i'm an idiot and he's like oh my god and that's the real ben simmons and you know ben and i are waiting for our cab and he asked us to take a picture he's like thank you guys so much and he like walked away and ben for like the whole 30 minutes that it took us to get back was like we're famous now kyle like we're celebrities it's like no bet we're not. It's like, no, Ben, we're not. And he literally, like, he was just, he was just high the whole time. He was high on life.

And weed, I guess, I don't know. Where do we tell us the guys at the frat? I was just going to say, this is going to pale in comparison from when he's named president of his ex-frat. I'd worry about him being like an enforcer, though, within a president, like a sergeant at arms, guy at the frat.

You have a parent corner i do oh so um at my four-year-old harrison school they have what's called dad appreciation day which by the way spells out dad if you do the first initial but anyway uh because they're not in school during father's day so they feel bad and they want to do something for the dad so they make this thing it's basically a mad libs thing. What my father is how many years old and my father likes to do this. So my son Harrison comes up with that. I'm 55 years old. Um, I'm really good at basketball. Not true. Not 55, not good at basketball. The best times he has with me is when we go to florida together i've never freaking been with a kid once in florida like not even close to anywhere in florida and uh that my money my pockets are full of money which is kind of a leading question

like his pockets are full of what like what are we going to put like like i don't know egg rolls what's it going to be so he put kid puts money, and that's not true, too. So I had a little talk with the teacher. I was like, hey, how do they fill these out? They're like, well, you know, we lead them in the right direction. I was like, well, you led mine in a completely wrong direction to the point where I don't even think this is my son. And he's not leaving this preschool until he gets these right.

So he might be seven, eight years old as Uh, as a preschooler here in Manhattan beach. Why does he think you're 55? I don't know. It's weird when they ask, the kids are all over the place with the age. I feel like it for sure, but I'm not 55. I,

this is a story about my son going, uh, you know, we went to survivor series. He just turned 11. I feel like this is the last year. I saw it like when Archie, your son Archie came over last week. Archie all of a sudden has become like this kind of,

for lack of a better word, adult. He's like this just adult, like kind of adult in training, 13. Well, to be fair, he was sitting next to Brad the whole day. Well, true. True. But, you know,

he passed some line where he just doesn't seem like a kid anymore. I know he's still a kid, but he doesn't seem like a kid. So my son's 11. This is, it feels like the last year where he's still a kid.

So we had this Survivor Series and like the whole week, he's like, Dad So we had this Survivor Series and like the whole week, he's like, Dad, six days till Survivor Series. And just every time I saw him and he'd walk over, he had this big look on it,

big grin on his face like, Dad, five days. And I was just thinking, this is probably the last year. I get sad. This is it. Next year, it'll be late. Well, next year, it'll be just. Did he like it when he was there?

Did it wane a little bit? No, he had the greatest time, but his excitement for it the whole week, he was honestly like a kid on Christmas. I was thinking, next year, he probably won't be like this, right? Age 12, you kind of lose

that little wide-eyed innocence of... Next year, he'll probably be the third match on the card. What do you mean, next year? Well, that's the thing. If he's still like this when he's 21, I'm probably in trouble. Yeah, you've got to just do it. You've just got to go for it.

We had this guy who was two rows behind us who Nephew Kyle can vouch. He's just one of those guys. He's definitely there alone. He was there by himself. He had very long hair.

He was wearing a wrestling shirt. He was super loud. On the phone most of the time. Running commentary. Calling his friends to see if they could see him on TV,

trying to start chants. I knew we were in bad. What was the first match, Kyle? Whatever the first match was, he started calling the guy. It was a girls' match, wasn't it? Yeah. It was a girls' match. He started telling somebody that they sucked.

And my son was just giggling like Beavis the whole time. And I was like, can I, dad, can I? He was like, can I Beavis the whole time and I was like can I dad can I he was like can I join in on the suck shit I'm like no and then the next match it was a guy and he starts yelling that the guy excuse my language is a pussy

and my son is just laughing and just this guy's crossing every line and at some point Kyle and I are looking at each other like alright security's gonna just this guy's crossing every line. And at some point, Kyle and I are looking at each other like, all right, security's going to kick this guy out, right? No, he's just free reign. He's yelling.

He's inappropriate. And everyone in my section hates him except my son who's giggling hysterically at every terrible joke, every bad word. It was just like his wheelhouse. And I'm going to miss those moments, I guess is my point. Nah, we'll get it back.

I guess we'll just have that more kids, that's all. Well, my consolation is someday my son will be that guy, two rows behind us, going by himself. The people behind him. He's going to be six rows in front of you in the ring. No question about it. He's going to be six rows in front of you in the ring. No question about it. He did. I met with, I had a meeting with Triple H this week,

and we were talking about when my son's working for him in 10 years. Like, we were openly joking about it. Like, talking about what kind of match do you think, will my son be the kind of guy who can call the match in the ring in Audible or would have to be scripted out ahead of time and Triple H was saying you should get him so that he knows how to do both kind of matches where he

can audible in the ring but you also want to have him be able to hammer out the beats beforehand as well. I'm like alright alright I got it. So yeah. There's no stopping it. The last time we saw this was with The Miz on The Real World when he so desperately wanted to be a wrestler

that he actually became a wrestler. That was it, yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, that's the way to do it. Mark Henry got him to cut down his entrance time, right, to a minute. Oh, yeah, Mark Henry told him that. He was talking to Mark Henry today backstage about some tips. Mark Henry, I told him

he, my son, does a two-minute entrance. He's like, you got to cut that down to a minute. That's funny. One other thing about the crazy guy behind us, there were two people behind him who got mad that he kept standing up. And this guy was giving them reaction

back. And one of his comebacks was, I'm sorry I paid more money for my seats than you did. No, that's great. It's just great. You really get all kinds of wrestling matches. You really do. Is that even true for two rows?

It was one row. It was like you're bragging about being an asshole. Oh, boy. Really. It's really something. All right, parent corner, what do you got?

I don't know. My son, my 13-year-old Archie, had a big science project due on Wednesday. And my wife was going to take him to the library or whatever the equivalent of a library is this day on Tuesday. But he got a call from a friend of mine who wanted to pay him like $75 to do like a, I think it's like for buzzer sports or something to do a roundup on the chiefs Rams game. And just like point a camp, point a phone to your head and give us your best minute on the, uh, on the thing. And he chose to do this instead of the science project. I was like, ah, just let him do it. It's fun. And he ended up being better than I could be. I've been doing this for 15 years and he did a great job with it. And my wife was furious, but I think he made the right move. Buzzer sports, buzz steak.

And by the way, I added to it, I added to the drama by on Thanksgiving, I went around, we went around, we said what we're grateful for. And I said, I was grateful for my sons. My littlest scored six goals three weeks ago. My middle one won a trophy for getting a blue belt in karate. And then I turned to Archie with this thing, with the buzzer sports. I was like, see kids, it doesn't matter what you do in school. It's sports, sports, sports, sports, sports. And that was not, that was not, that was enthusiasm from my mother or my father

nobody enjoyed that no no they didn't like that too much that was only like 20% joking maybe we have to hire Archie for the ringer

for to do a podcast with my son there you go that would be good my son gave Creed an A plus he thought it was phenomenal he loved it

yeah my parent corner I actually for the first time ever put it on Instagram I did an Instagram story we were in Malibu for Thanksgiving at this on the pier

we went to Thanksgiving lunch at this place in Malibu and then afterwards there's a store on the pier. And we're in the store. And I see my son. And I know immediately what's going on. It's this big shelf that just has all these letters on it in different colors. And just a lot of different letters.

And I see him with this big smile on his face and he has the letters and he's trying to try to find a letter. I'm like, Oh my God. So I just pulled my phone out and started taping it immediately. And he was trying to find the F and the U and the C and the K and the U and he spread them all out. Fuck you on the shelf and was just laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. And the cashier was completely horrified. Oh, no.

And I'm calling him a dick. And I think they were just like, where did this family come from? The bowels of hell, apparently. You probably left like a 14% tip, right? No. The moral of the story is don't leave just a ton of letters around my son, whether it's Scrabble or anything. It's just going to go horribly. Let's take a break to talk about TheRinger.com. I hope you checked out all of our best of 2018 stuff, movies, TV, sports,

memes, Mark Zuckerberg, you name it. It's in there. Politics. We did all of it. We have so many pieces. This was the best end of 2018 thing we did. And it wasn't just like a recap of the year. We actually tried to make it so that these were pieces that weren't just like, hey, remember

this happened, but actually had some sort of angle. Since we're here, I want to talk about the Ringer Podcast Network. We have an incredible number of podcasts on the Ringer Podcast Network. Like Cousin Sal, Against All Odds, gambling. Bachelor Party is coming back with Julia Lipman. The Bachelor is coming, I think, mid-January, second week of January. Listen to that. Binge Mode, Harry Potter's wrapping up,

but we're moving toward Game of January. Listen to that. Binge mode. Harry Potter's wrapping up, but we're moving toward Game of Thrones. Channel 33 has damage control as well as the press box and quite possibly a new pod that we're going to add to that soon. Dual Threat with Ryan Rosillo. He's been an incredible ringer addition. Kyle, is he your favorite person you met in 2018?

Met in 2018? He's in the top five. Yeah, he could be top five for sure. House of Carbs with House, Drunk House. More Drunk House. Drunk House came on the pod last week. Larry Wilmore Black in the air, fantastic. On Shuffle, our music podcast with Micah Peters.

One Shining Podcast. Ow! Tate and Titus, a podcast so good. Nephew Kyle got a tattoo of it. Shack House with House is coming back in 2019 as soon as golf season gets going. Ringer FC, our soccer

pod. The Big Picture, one of our new ads in 2018, our movie podcast which has been doing really well and we dive into all of our Oscar stuff. The Dave Chang podcast, forgot to mention that one. Best of 2018 Apple podcast pick. He's been great.

He's actually, even he has confidence in himself as a host now. I never thought it would happen. The JJ Reddick podcast, still cranking along, winging it with Kent Bazemore, Vince Carter, and Andy Finberg. That's another one. We have the two best NBA player podcasts right now.

Just pointing that out. The Masked Man is our wrestling podcast. The Rewatchables is my favorite podcast to do. and Andy Finberg. That's another one. We have the two best NBA player podcasts right now. Just pointing that out. The Masked Man is our wrestling podcast. The Rewatchables is my favorite podcast to do. Sorry, this is the second. Ringer and the B-Show is coming back soon. Ringer NBA and the Ringer NFL show, two hallmarks.

Both of them have been doing great. Villains with Shea Serrano. And then finally, The Watch, the second podcast we ever added on the Ringer Podcast Network. The BS Podcast was first. The Watch was second. It's in year 22. It came out the same year as South Park, 1996. A lot of people don't realize. Andy Greenwald and Chris Ryan, the world's longest running podcast. 22 years for those guys. Incredible. Check out all that stuff. The Ringer Podcast Network. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Apple, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Play. I don't care. Those are all our podcasts. All right, back to this one. Let's do Parent Corner. What do you got, Sal? Let's do it. Oh, well, a near catastrophe today.. I had all the kids today.

We watched football at Corolla's in his warehouse in Glendale. And I had my little one. I don't usually have my little one, my four-year-old, Harrison, but he came today. And he's been dressing like the Hulk. He has this Hulk costume, the Hulk that he wore on Halloween. Tremendous. And he wore it. We got it, I think, October 3rd. He's worn it every single day from October 3rd to, what is this, December 2nd. And I'm not kidding. Like, so

sometimes he'll wear other things, but eventually he ends up in this costume. So he thinks he's the Hulk. If he gets mad at you, he flexes and makes the noise, whatever. It's funny. So he's wearing the Hulk costume. But another story is that I've been throwing him passes and he'll run the length of the couch and then jump at the end of the couch, and I'll time it, and I'll throw it to him, and I'll catch it. And now we do diving catches. He's only four years old, and it's really great. I'll tell him he didn't catch it when he caught it, and then my other son will record it in slow motion,

and I'll show him why he didn't catch it. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to ask Mike Pereira because when I was doing the college pregame show for Fox, I brought it to Pereira and he didn't really want anything to do with it. But anyway, I have this thing where I don't, so now we'll bring it to Corolla's and there's a couch there. I'm like, come on Harrison, show everybody.

Now I want to show off for him. And I lead him with a pass and he dives between the two cushions on the couch. Oh, no. And he's just like, he catches it, but the ball goes limp. I was like, oh, shit, his arms go limp. And I run up to him. And between the couch cushions, unlike my couch, there's like a stud for some reason.

I think Carolla makes his own furniture or something. Oh, no. A guy hires Ray for $4 to make a couch. He hit his head on this stud and he wasn't crying. I'm like, holy shit. This is great. I'm trying to show off with this kid and this is what happens. I'm going to get in trouble with the old lady. I hope he's alright. This is nuts. He didn't even cry. I've never had a kid, let alone a four-year-old, have a concussion look to him. He did, but he had a, I've never had a kid, let alone a four-year-old have a concussion look to him.

And he did, but it took him like a good, you know, 20 Mississippi count. And he finally like shook it off and said, Hey, can I go play with my iPad now? I was like, yeah, whatever the F you want, do it. But a scary moment for a minute. You didn't put them, you didn't take them to the blue tent. There was no tent. No, I was worried about how that was built too. So I kept them away from any tent or warehouse. I feel like you have like somewhere between nine and 13 of those with each kid, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good number.

Some sort of injury or something, or they fall or something falls in their foot. What do you think, like three a year in those early years? Well, with boys, definitely. Yeah. I remember in a 12 month span, Ben almost had his finger chopped off on the shower door and then dropped a huge rock on the beach on his foot and just split his toenail in half. And that was within like 11 months of each other.

Yeah. They all knew you at urgent care, right? I remember you and Ben, you guys would go a lot. Yeah, it was weird. He never broke anything but had a lot of, you know, those where they start

looking side-eyed at the parents a little bit. Like, oh, you're back, huh? Oh, this time he dropped a rock on his foot. It's like, no, no, really, he did. Well, this would have been my fault. So, yeah, I was a little nervous. I'm surprised you told that story. Yeah.

My wife was cleaning out stuff on her computer and found a whole bunch of videos that our kids did on her computer, not realizing that they thought they had deleted it, but they hadn't. And there's some profane language. Kyle heard it. Yeah.

Profane language. Saw a couple of birds. Yeah, a couple of birds and them acting up, like not realizing that things get saved on clouds and stuff. It was an interesting life lesson. But here's one of the videos. This isn't that bad, but this is the kind of video I'm going to play it.

Hold on. We're back with Hip Hop Disney with Eeyore. Y'all go make me lose my tail. That's my son doing Hip hop Disney Eeyore, but singing it to DMX for some reason, just dozens of dozens of videos that they thought they had deleted, but they hadn't. And then you realize like,

Oh, this is what you're doing all the time when you disappear. And just the hours and hours and hours and hours and dozens and dozens of hours. He probably did 20 takes of that. And it really made me reevaluate my parenting. It did? You know, neither of my kids can barely do math at all.

But my son can do DMX as Eeyore for the hip hop Disney. So I don't know. Is that a win or a loss for me? Because I can't remember algebra or any of that stuff that we did when we were kids. Can you, can you solve even basic math at this point? No, I have to look it up on the computer now. And I got through calculus one into calculus two, and I still don't know a thing about this new math or anything. It's really bad. Yeah, this core that they have now, where they have to learn.

It's an F you to parents, right? It really is. You can't help. It's like, hey, we've created this new math. You're not going to be able to help your kids do math. Basically, this is all in our hands and you can't help them anymore. Right.

You just have to fail more kids because we're not going to be able to help you on our end. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Cause my kid can do an invitation of DMX and hip hop Disney as you are. So who's winning? I love it. No, they can make videos.

You could find them. They, they have Roger Goodell as a parent. They, even if you find the video, what do you have for parent corner? Uh, well, you know, I, I, uh i uh put this on instagram people might know about this already but this freaking this elf on the shelf is uh wreaking havoc again once once again so the idea is the elf on the shelf you put it on the shelf you move it every night

parents move it every night and wherever it ends up it's watching you and it's supposed to inspire the kids to behave for the last month before santa gets here all right the elf goes back and reports to santa in the middle of the night and then lands somewhere else in your house every day um but it's a pain in the ass to figure out i put the over under two and a half days before i would forget to move it me and my my wife, we made it eight days, but here's what makes it harder. So I have a 13 year old. I don't give a crap about this. He knows it's fake.

I have a 10 year old. God bless him. I love him, but he's a simpleton. And he still believes in this stuff. And then I have a four year old. Now the problem is the 10 year old goes to bed late. So it's kind of like, I'm not in that no man's land. All right.

If you were that old, you shouldn't believe in it. And if you're, if you're going to bed that late, you shouldn't believe in it, but, but, but you do believe in it. So I have to keep it going. So I can't even set an alarm unless it's like one 30 in the morning to hide this thing. I know I'm going to forget it. So we wake up at a, and it's always the same thing my wife will wake up like at 1 30 did you move the elf no i didn't i didn't so you gotta move the elf yeah so i get up and i'm like you know what screw this i'm gonna have some fun with this

so i move the elf and the idea is you can't touch the elf once it lands wherever it lands if you touch it it loses its magic and then're, you're in trouble with Santa. So I do something diabolical. I put the elf, I place it right on my four-year-old's iPad and he wakes up and he's in tears. He's very upset. And now everyone in the family is upset with me. Everyone who knows what's going on. I have to go down and I have to pretend I don't know what's going on.

It's crazy. So, um, so he's very on. It's crazy. So, so he's very upset. He can't move it. He knows if he moves it, he's in trouble. And then I go to work and he comes back from school and I hear more crying in the background. My wife's like, I told him that the parents are allowed to move the elf, but the kids aren't. I was like, no, no, no. No one's allowed to move that elf. That elf has to stay where it is. I'm the one who woke up and moved it. Well, anyway, I was overruled. There's a new rule implemented and the parents are allowed now to move the elf. So I can't put it on iPads or TVs or refrigerators or stuff like that. So there you go.

Wow. More nonsense with the elf on the shelf. I'm going to tell some retro elf on the shelf stories as my parent corner because we don't do it anymore. Yeah. I don't miss it. I hated it. I grew to really hate the elf on the shelf's guts.

But we had the same thing where as the kids get older and they're kind of like, they hit that point where they're not sure they still believe it, but they want to believe it, but they'll, they'll kind of stay up late to see if you're going to go get it, go up or whatever. Yeah.

And it just gets later and later and later. And one time we both fell asleep and the elf and the, we just woke up the next morning and the kids ran down and the elf and the shelf was in the same spot. And my wife on the fly just did this whole. Wife on the fly is different from elf on the shelf. Wife on the fly is the spinoff. I have to order one of those.

So on the fly, my wife flipped it on my kids. It was really incredible. It was one of the most incredible parenting moments I've ever seen. She was like, well, if you had made your bed and cleaned up your room like I asked last night, maybe he would have moved. I was like, that was awesome. Really awesome. And it really, she really sold it. And it seemed genuine.

But, but. Yeah, it just sucks. It only ends up being a joke on the parents because they don't behave any better. No, they don't. You know, it's a dumb thing. So I don't remember if this was last year or two years ago, but I was so fed up with the off on the shelf and I was so fed up with my wife complaining about it.

I stopped participating entirely. I'm like, I'm out. I'm out. I don't care if my kids believe in this. If you want to perpetuate this whole thing, and my wife's like, well, you don't understand. Once they don't have this, they're going to grow up and you're going to miss the days when we were hiding the elf on the shelf.

And I'm like, nope, I'm definitely not going to miss the days. I know I'm not going to miss any of those days. I'll miss some things, but I'm not going to miss that. So anyway, I finally just told my kids. And they thought I was kidding, but I was like, you realize mom's the off on the shelf, right? And you know,

cause what made me mad was my daughter knew and she just wanted the off on the shelf because every day you get a little thing and she's just interested in what they get out of it. And my son half believed in half didn't. And I just had to break them. So I did. And I have no regrets either. So,

well, the best part is the oldest one is like, he's like laughing at me. I was like, you dumbass. You believed in this two years ago. I don't even want to hear it. I know. He's like, no, I didn't.

He's like, yeah, he did. So how long is your middle son going to believe in it, do you think? What do you think the overrun is? I'm going to have to tell him, right? Because I just can't stay up later than him. I have to figure something out. He's going to be waiting you out sitting in the living room just watching.

Yeah, he'll probably be like Amari Cooper's age before he figures it out. He's going to be old enough to put a drone camera in your living room to try to capture the Elf on the Shelf movie. Gotcha. He's 23. Well, there is one thing now.

For like $3 more, you could buy the Elf on the Shelf with a cast on its leg. And then the story is, well, he had an accident flying from wherever it ever. So he stays in one place now. So that's a value. There's some value in that. Are you making that up? No, I swear to God. Look up Elf on the Shelf, cast and you'll see. I would love

to know how this started, why it started, and whether it's just like a total marketing thing. Because they always said Valentine's Day. I don't know when that became what it would become. But clearly there was some major marketing dollars and

merchandising dollars at stake in making Valentine's Day a thing. And I would say Elf on the Shelf is like that too. Yeah, for sure. God. I don't miss those days, Sal. It's so funny that you have

like five more years of it. Moving to fucking Elf. You're going to be in your 50s moving to fucking Elf around at three in the morning. Congratulations. At that point, maybe you'll believe

in the Amari Cooper trade though. It's the same thing right what do you got to plug what about your parent corner nothing no I did retro the only one I was going to do but I'll just

my daughter is now like 13 and a half and instead of us yelling at each other which doesn't happen very often but now we get in these

text fights yeah because she'll send me a text and, and say, and she could be like three rooms away, but we'll be texting each other. And so that, that's been a new wrinkle.

Oh, that hurts when it's in writing, right? Yeah. And then you gotta be careful. And then I don't know, she might write a book someday and she'll be like, and then dad texted me this,

but, um, we had some, some heated texts back and forth today about her shirking her responsibilities yet again. And did it end with you saying, I hope you tear your ACL on a wet field? It did not. Did not.

Right. Did not. I did probably blame the city of Irvine for something at some point. I love it. That reminds me of all the proceeds from today's podcast are dedicated to the fields in Irvine, California as they rally to come back

from a traumatic day and a half of rain. They got it like three-fourths of an inch. So, you know, a lot of careers, a lot of lives at stake. We'll see how that turns out. Does Irvine have a mayor? It must have like a mayor, right? The mayor of Irvine? We should have him on next week. Yeah, we need to have him on.

The mayor of Irvine. Never know. Once those fields get slippery, all bets are off. What do you got for Paracorner? Oh, Paracorner. All right, let me set this up. So we went to Corolla's to watch football. And we got Brad there and Harry. And my friend

Ken says, hey, i have to stop over um i'm coming back from hawaii uh i and then i have to go to palm springs let me where are you watching football i'm like well we're in we're at uh with corolla corolla's warehouse all right so he goes he brings like four dozen donuts from hawaii i don't even remember the name of the place but uh they're good as like guava cream he's you've got to taste this guava cream. He's pushing these donuts on everybody. Then our friend Brad comes in and he's in a bad

mood. Why is he in a bad mood? Well, I think he owes some money in taxes. My friend Ken, who knows everything about everything, is like, well, let me help you out. What do you have? What's going on you know um and he tells him you know i owe x money x amount can i pay this off what do you think they're like well you have a job uh they're probably not going to let you

take 10 cents on the dollar since you have a job and you've had a job for years and he's like uh why don't you just pay your effing taxes? Brad picks up a handful, passes on the donuts, because the donuts were good, but takes a handful of watermelon and throws it at Ken, hits him in the chest. He's like, thanks for your fucking advice. And then he goes to walk away. And now it's a scene.

Now it's bad. And now I have to separate both of them. Oh, Ken was like ready to fight him? Oh, yeah. And Brad's calling him names, and Ken's calling Brad names. And, um, and your kids are there.

My kids are there. And this is, this is where it stops. And so we temporarily bring Brad in one. I don't want anyone to go home. Part of me is loving this, but I have to get past this very uncomfortable spot where they want to kill each other,

you know? Yeah. Um, and, uh, and so, but I don't want anyone to go home, but Ken's like,

it's either me or him. One of us is leaving. I'm like, ah, this is just going to be bad if one of them has to leave, but it kind of has to be Brad because he, he committed an assault kind of still angry. It's a watermelon assault.

Yeah. He'll throw a watermelon on Sunday. Yeah. My wife, I told her to get fruit and I said, don't get watermelon. It's gamey, but you got watermelon anyway.

I don't want to blame her, but anyway. Okay. So anyway, uh, Brad's in the other room and I was fruit, and I said, don't get watermelon. It's gamey, but you got watermelon anyway. I don't want to blame her, but anyway. Yeah. Okay. So anyway, Brad's in the other room, and I was like, Ken, listen, how about if you just stay on the other side of the room? He's like, no, he threw watermelon at me. I'm not taking that.

I'm not sitting here with him. And my son, my 13-year-old, was like, Ken, you know what? I think you went too far with the, just pay your effing taxes. Um, you know, I don't think you should have to apologize, but, uh, I think you heard him more than he heard you.

And he like took a step back and he's like, all right, fine. As long as he just doesn't talk to me, that's fine. So my 13 year old was smarter than all of us broken to peace between Ken and Brad. And,

um, Ken says he's still never talking to Brad again, but that was nice for the rest of the day at least. What an amazing story. Yeah, it's nice. That reminded me of a little bit of when you and Jeff Ross were feuding for months and then Tom Cruise heard both sides of the story and then said, you've offended your friend.

You have to apologize to him. Yeah, it was that. Yeah. Look at the 13-year-old Tom Cruise. Wow. Yeah. What an incredible story. There you go.

I feel like I raised him the right way, just based on that. What a week for Ken. He had a 10-hour phone call with another man, and he had watermelon thrown out by a lunatic. Oh, the Cody's are really heating up in the fourth quarter. Everybody wants it. Oh, my God. And then there's our Fred Daniel

who was genuinely upset at me that I didn't invite him to the Ringer staff holiday party that was on a Thursday and only had people that word for the Ringer. Right. He's furious. He's going to hear this, yeah. Yeah.

He's going to be even more upset. For my parent corner, I have to go get my son. So hold on one second. Oh, good. All right. All right, for my parent corner, I have to go get my son, so hold on one second. Alright, for my parent corner, instead of having me tell you what my son's Christmas list is, he's

actually here. He's going to tell us his Christmas list. This is what he's asked for. Do you still believe in Santa or no? Oh, no. Okay. Alright. You believed in the elf of Shelf until a year ago. Yeah, when mom told me he was fake.

Okay. In the restaurant. No, I told you. No. Oh, wait, yeah, you did. Yeah, I did. You want that distinction. Yeah.

All right, give us your Christmas list, Ben. Number one, NXT wrestling figures. NXT wrestling figures. Any ones in particular? I want them to make an Aleister Black figure. Okay. What's number two? A gold chain.

A gold chain. Is it thick? Is it thin? What kind of a gold chain and why? I want a thin one to look like Craig Kimbrell for baseball. Okay. Wow. Sounds good.

Where do we get a gold chain? Kyle, are you going to help out with this? Yeah, we'll find one. We'll find a good one. All right. Because Kyle's been on. Did you watch Rocky III? Is that what he's?

Do you want a clock like Flava Flav or no? Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll start with a chain. We'llava Flav? Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll start with a chain. We'll see if you like it. All right. What else is on the list, Ben?

Baseballs. I need more baseballs because I keep on throwing them over. Throwing them over where? In the bushes or like over to the neighbor's yard. So Ben, he plays baseball in the backyard And you're not going to believe this, but sometimes takes full baseball swings and hits the ball. And they went into the neighbor's yard. And our neighbor, who speaks English, but I wouldn't say it's strong, called my wife over and gave her like 12 of Ben's baseballs

that were all in their yard that had bounced in their pool and hit various parts of their guest house and things like that. So the neighbor's not a big fan of Ben's baseballs that were all in their yard that had bounced in their pool and hit various parts of their guest house and things like that. So the neighbor's not a big fan of Ben. What else, Ben? I want a new glove for baseball too. Why do you need a new glove? Because I writ all over mine.

You did what? You writ? You roto all over? Yeah. I don't have good grammar. Don't judge me. Okay. I thought he said I want a new drug.

That's next year. What else, Ben? I want gift cards. Gift cards. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You got some PlayStation gift cards and you got the code and you got the WWE 2K19 game

for video and that was good. Gotta be careful with the Visa gift cards because then he could just go off the WWE 2K19 game for video. And that was good. Gotta be careful with the Visa gift cards because then you could just go off the internet. You have specific gift cards. Yeah, it's gotta be like PlayStation. Something specific. Or iTunes. You like the iTunes gift card.

Okay, what else? This is good for your grandparents to listen to this. I like it. Last thing. Red Dead Redemption 2. Woo! Yeah. That's actually, we've run ads from them,

and that was like a generic ad right there. Wasn't even an ad. Yeah, it's the better GTA. Because I haven't allowed you to play GTA yet. Yeah. Any New Year's resolutions, Ben? Other than to not be as much of a dick? That's what I was going to say. Okay. That's good enough, I think. That's good. All right. Ben? Other than to not be as much of a dick?

That's what I was going to say. That's good enough. That's good. Alright. Ben, hold on. Wait, didn't you wasn't he playing Call of Duty? Not Call of Duty. Fortnite. Yeah. And then what happened with that? I think people want to know. He was suspended or grounded

from playing. Well, yeah. He threw the controller and it bounced off the floor and hit his TV and shattered the screen on the TV. And guess who hasn't had a TV for the last month and a half? Oh, it really hasn't been that long. Yeah, he has no TV in his room anymore. Not that he should have in the first place.

Wow, alright, I'm proud of you for having it. You know what you should add to the list? Add the neighbor's house. Then it's easier. Then you don't have to get more balls. You could just, it'll be your house. Yeah. And you could get, right? I mean, if your daddy really loves you, buy the house next door.

So that's it, Ben? Any New Year's resolutions other than not be as much of a dick? No. Is there going to be a girlfriend for you next year? Hell no. Hell no? I'm waiting until 16 at least. 16?

We'll talk after, Ben. What are your thoughts on nephew Kyle dating the girl again? Oh, no. He's back. The on-again, off-again girlfriend is now on. It's fine. It's fine. Oh, man.

It's fine. Ben is your homie, man. It's fine. He always has your back. I know. I know. That's your dude right there. We'll go out and find girlfriends together. We'll walk. It's fine. Ben is your homie, man. He always has your back. I know. That's your dude right there. We'll go out and find girlfriends together.

We'll walk Melrose or something. Yeah. Maybe she'll buy you a baseball, Ben. Ben, thanks for coming on the podcast. You're welcome. Good luck getting some of those gifts. I love it. See you, Ben.

All right. Yeah. So, yeah, I had him on because one of his Christmas wishlist things was a gold chain. And I felt like he needed to know that. That's the best. He's 11. Do you know anybody who's put a gold chain on their wishlist? No, I really don't.

I'm trying to think. Kyle, what's in my future with that kid? More gold chains, for sure. More than multiple gold chains. There's going to be a leather jacket sitting there. Yeah. He's going to be a Chris Mopasante,

I think. I think he's got a soprano on your hand. He's like 25% Italian. All right, Parent Corner, let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, my five-year-old now, my four-year-old turned five.

Turns five next week. And it's really hectic with christmas but you know obviously he has to have a separate party with everything else so we have it at one of these uh trampoline places adventure plex or something where there's 14 parties going on so he invites everyone in his class and a couple relative kid relatives cousins and everything and he loves the hulk he loves everything about the hulk he loves the mark ruffalo hulk he loves the uh lou ferigno hulk we'll watch old episodes he makes me fast forward through the boring parts of the david and believe me there are really boring parts

like for an hour he hulks out for like a minute and 10 seconds right hulks out twice which you're talking about the ones from 40 years ago. Yeah, exactly. He would Hulk out at around the 28-minute mark and then at like the 52-minute mark. Yeah, and it's just, it's abysmal.

Isaac, did you ever see this? No. The Incredible Hulk from 40 years ago? From 40 years ago? No, I only saw the one that was relatively recent, but in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Bill Bixby was the Hulk and he would

just, he just had a knapsack, right, Sal? He barely had any clothes. Yeah, he was David Banner. He had a knapsack. He'd rip through his clothes every time he hulked out. Did they have enough CGI? No, they had no CGI. They had red contact lenses and then he would make a face like he

was constipated. I gotta check this out. And he would blow through his clothes but each week he would be working at like a rodeo or he'd be working like on a movie set and then something would go wrong. Somebody would mistreat an actress. He was a doctor. He was like a scientist and he didn't want to have problems with anybody and yet

trouble found him every week. Everyone wanted to kick his ass. And it was always hard at the end of every show was him sadly walking hitchhiking with the sad, incredible hook music. And it used to tear me apart emotionally. I was just like, God,

poor guy can't find a home. Really sad. Yeah. And wherever he ended up, it was the same situation the next week. But those shows, those shows are really slow though. I can't believe your son's watching those.

Well, he makes me fast forward. He gets mad, but he makes me fast forward to the good parts. We know by now, but anyway, you could DVR these and they're on those channels in the DirecTV, like 20, 24, 27.

They're in there somewhere. But he loves the Hulk, and all he does is talk about the Hulk. He got his Hulk costume for Halloween, like the middle of October, and has worn it every day since. So now we're talking like 70 days straight. He's worn it. So he wants the Hulk at his party. So we hire this Hulk.

We find out the morning of the party, something happened to the Hulk costume. I don't know what, if he spilled something on it or what. He didn't go into details. He can't be the Hulk. I was like, well, what are we going to do here? We already paid this guy $250. He's going to go to a kid's party. He's like, well, I have an Iron Man suit.

I was like, all right, my boy's going to be very disappointed, but dress as Iron Man. Wait, the guy you paid to be the Hulk couldn't be the Hulk? Never, never told us why he couldn't be the Hulk. Something happened to the costume is what it did. I felt like one more question. I would have been just so disgusted in the answer that I didn't even ask. Yeah, it sounded like an amateur porn accident or something. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. What could have spilled on it that would have been satisfactory to me? So I was like, all right, I'll leave it at that. You got your money. What else can you be? He's going to be Iron Man. Great. He shows up as Iron Man.

We already warned my kid, and he's like, he's not happy, but fine. Iron Man's showing up. So Iron Man shows up, and all the kids attack him. And I didn't even know what he was going to do. I don't know what he's like he's not happy but fine iron man showing up so iron man shows up and all the kids attack him and i didn't even know what he was going to do i don't know what he's going to do i thought he was just going to stand in the corner but no he he brings out balloons i guess he twists balloons and um i don't know if he was trying it for the first time but he had this whole pat uh this pouch of balloons he made me hold the pouch and my kid gets the first balloon. It's his party. And he says, I want a green balloon. So this guy has three green balloons out of a hundred.

So he pulls out the first green balloon. He starts twisting it and breaks it immediately. And then he starts on a second one, makes me fish through this pouch. I get the second balloon, same thing. I was like, dude, you only have one more green balloon. And by the way, this has taken like three minutes per balloon. And there's 12 kids asking for a balloon. So do you want me to help?

I was like, how about you take your gloves off? And now he's not supposed to speak, I guess. I said, take your gloves. He's like, no, no, no. That would ruin the costume. I was like, all right, let me twist the balloon then. I just saw what you did. It wasn't that spectacular.

I think I could do it. He's like, nope, I'm twisting the balloon. Third balloon pops. That's it. No more green balloons. My, I'm twisting the balloon. Third balloon pops. That's it. No more green balloons. My kid eventually gets a purple balloon and then two other kids get a balloon. And then they're throwing us out of the trampoline place because it's too late. So I forgot that he showed up 20 minutes late because he's putting his costume on in his car and it took

forever. So there you go. So I don't know what the moral is, but I walked away from that party, much like David Banner with the knapsack on and the sad music playing in the background. I have an important question. Was the guy Brad? I should have hired Brad. Why didn't I just get a costume and hire Brad? It could not have been worse.

Why didn't you just hire Brad, give him $200 to paint his face green? And he could have just, he already has the clothes post-Hulk rip. His wardrobe looks like- Depending on the time of day, he may not even know how to paint his face. Oh, God. I don't miss those birthdays.

The other one, the other classic is the bouncy castles where it's just somebody's getting like a mild concussion. You know, you have the 22 kids just flying around in a bouncy castle. We put our kids in like car seats and we go out of our way to just protect our kids at all time. And then we throw them in this unsanitary bouncy castle and they just ricochet off each other completely uncoordinated and bang heads, knock each other's teeth out. It's all fine. Right. Yeah. Best case scenario, you come out of there with a four day flu.

It really is. It is like germ central. What was that movie? Outbreak? Yeah, Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. It should have been starting in a bouncy castle and not from meat. It should have just been a bouncy castle in LA. I've seen how they wash those down it's not it's not a it's not very you know they take some

bounty and they uh i think they lick it and then they wipe the walls they use saliva to wipe it up yeah so last week we did parent corner my son gave his christmas list oh yeah a couple days ago got an email from mattel saying hey hey, we heard your son's things. We want to send him some advanced WWE toys. Oh, boy. So I make the mistake of telling my son this. You can imagine how it's gone since. Does Mattel make gold chains?

That's would have been even better. Dad, when are they coming? Dad, did they say when they're coming? Why do kids ask the same question 735 times? Dad, did you check your email? No, I told you it's going to be early January. Dad. So anyway, so I have that subplot going.

But my wife decided to get this big Monopoly game. Really nice, like wooden Monopoly that you can put on a table. And it actually looks like part of the table. Yeah. Looks cool. So my wife's parents are here. And I'm watching football in the back. And everyone decides to play Monopoly.

And my son decides he's going to be the banker. Do you want to finish the story? Can you imagine how this one, knowing what you know about my son, how do you think this went with my son as the banker? I don't think he ripped himself off anything. That's for sure, right? No, he helped himself liberally to money

to the point that my wife got mad at him and pointed out that he has his own pile he's not allowed to pull from the bank. And then he said that he, well, you're the banker, you're allowed to get paid when you're the banker. And everyone explained no. And then he got mad and ended up storming off. And that's how the Monopoly game ended. That was it? Yeah, he was embezzling from the bank for 20 to 25 minutes and finally got called out on it.

Screaming match with my wife and then stormed off. So there you go. It's yet another example of why he's going to be living at home until he's 40. Monopoly is six and a half hours long when you have a legitimate banker. Right. When you're arguing with the banker, it goes into a three-day session. My son is a banker. Sounds like a YouTube series, like a YouTube comedy series,

where he's the banker for important Monopoly matches. Not even positive he knows how to add. By the way, he's going to be testing toys for Mattel. I hope you put two and two together here, right? Get him that job. Oh, like that Ryan's toy thing? Yes. They said they had some new ones that hadn't come out yet, which that's really the secret sauce for my son. Even if

he's getting it four hours before other people, he feels like it's 17 years later. And you're cool in his eyes. That's great. I'm definitely not cool in his eyes but they this was by the way i'm surprised he hasn't barged into ask me it again uh so christmas you have to be waking up at uh i don't know what time you're gonna get up to put the presents under the tree well we do it the night before but um but yeah these kids go to bed really late now too so it's stupid but yeah we'll probably wrap and and put them under at like 1, 1.30 and probably be up at 6.37.

What about you? God. Wow. Now my kids know that nobody's coming down the chimney. But do they know not to open the gifts until you wake up? Yeah, we wait. We wait until Christmas. That's nice.

Yeah, it's going to be a good one. It's weird. The Tuesday Christmas, kind of like it. You end up with basically the whole week off. Who's going to go back to work this week? I have to work tomorrow. I work Christmas Eve. Oh, you're doing Lock It In.

We're doing Lock It In. Yeah, we have to go over all our big bowl games this week. There's a lot going on. We scaled it back in the ringer, right, Isaac? Yeah. It's only me on the podcast side, at least. Yeah, Isaac's going for some sort of award at the ringer. He does

it all, man. That's great. Listen, if you're short-handed there, I know a really shitty Ironman who could use a few hours. He was the backup for this. What's the next song, Isaac? The next song? I don't know. We got to do one. A lot of people have been tweeting at me with suggestions

and they're mostly Clippers related because I'm a Clippers fan, but I don't know. Maybe something with Boban? God. So I took my son to see the Clippers the other day. The Luka Doncic game. That was a bad beat for you, right? Yeah, it was a tough one.

They didn't cover by a half point, the Mavs. Beaubon, first of all, for little kids, he's got to be one of the five most powerful. It's like Curry's one, Giannis is two, LeBron's three, and Beaubon's probably four. Ben, all he wanted was Beaubon to come in the entire game. And then he came in. He played well. He karate chopped some dude and got a flagrant foul. I've never seen him happier with anything that's happened in a sporting event.

Then Beaubon got fouled and was at the line shooting free throws and the entire Staples Center chained MVP. Really? Yeah. Ben was going nuts. Beaubon, he thinks, so maybe, but Mattel last week, maybe Boban this week,

maybe Boban will reach out. Wow. Maybe Mattel can make a Boban action figure for him. Oh my God. Could Mattel do that? Maybe. Yeah.

He could do anything. Why not? Yeah. Well, we'll see. All right. Thanks to ZipRecruiter. Don't forget to go to ZipRecruiter.com slash BS.

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