The Bill Simmons Podcast - 'Parent Corner' Special Edition Part 2 With Cousin Sal (Ep. 329)

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal dish out potentially problematic parenting advice and share stories from their time as dads in the second part of this series. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Yeah. What's your business going to be? Shoes with hip hop. Shoes with hip hop. All right. That sounds like a winner company. Shoesaw. Shoesaw.

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have that conversation. LeBron's been in the league 15 years. Jordan came into the league in 84. He retired in 98, but he took off like a year and a half at some point, came back for two years. They basically played around the same amount of games. And LeBron is better than ever in the All-Star game. Check that out. Check out all of our Ringer podcasts. Check out Against All Odds. Check out One Shiny Podcast, which is officially heating up. College basketball is in rare form. And don't forget about the Ringer NBA show, which we have expanded to five days a week. Coming up, it's a very special edition of Parent Corner. If you remember, we did this over Thanksgiving weekend.

We took the first like eight or nine Parent Corners that Sal and I did at the end of our Monday podcast together. And we just put them on their own podcast. And what we realized is some people either weren't listening to the football podcast, which I find hard to believe because they did really well, or maybe they didn't hear the end, or maybe they were half listening,

but they really liked having all of them on one podcast. And people who might not normally listen to the podcast were actually listening to that. So that was cool. So we're doing that again. We have, I think, the last nine or 10 that we've done since Thanksgiving that we're gonna to run in a

row right now. Special appearance from a special guest at the top right after Pearl Jam. Here we go. All right, my son is here. He's been the breakout star of Parent Corner this year. Yeah. Over the course of the hour, I've explained to everybody you're a liar. Yes, I am. I'm a big liar. You're a big liar. Um, what else are you?

You're a maniac. You're a crazy person. Um, what else? When, when you, I joke about how you're a liar and half of the people who listen, they think it's hilarious. And the other half were like, wow, is your,

do you really mean about your son? Is he really a liar? And I was like, look, he's a liar. What do you want from me? I actually am a liar. You're a liar.

You're a strategic liar. Can you tell us your biggest lie that you've ever told me that I caught you in? I don't know. Actually, what's the biggest lie that I haven't found out you told me? Have you ever snuck out of our house? Yes. You've snuck out of our house at night?

No, like one time at camp. Yeah. I snuck out of the cabin. You snuck out of the cabin? Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Jack in the box? I had to go to the bathroom.

Oh, that doesn't count. Have you stolen money from my wallet? Actually, I don't think so. No? Oh, you're lying right now because you're doing the thing with your jaw. The funniest thing with you is when I know you're lying because your bottom jaw starts kind of moving left

to right. No, I haven't yet, but when I'm older, I'm definitely going to steal money. Do you think your sister steals money from my wallet? What do you think? She goes to buy slime. Yeah, I know. And glue. I've talked to Unparent Corner about your sister's addiction to slime.

Oh, my God. It's awful. We hate slime in our house. You're addicted to, right now, you like looking at shoes. Basically, you're all about shoes. You like music. And you think you like cars, but you really only like four fancy cars. And Migos, you've gotten into.

Yesterday was amazing. We're taping this on a Monday. Yeah, we went to the All-Star game and you saw Migos. That was the most excited that you were to see anything. Yeah. How worried should I be about you

on a scale of one to 10? You already have a girlfriend. You're a liar. Maybe like right now. Yeah. Like a five. A five out of 10? Yeah.

How long do you think you're going to live at home? Till I'm like 17. 17. Then that's good. That means you're going to live at home? Until I'm like 17 17, that's good, that means you're going to go to college Yeah And what did I tell you about your first wife? I have to be like 30 30? No, that's not what I told you

36? Yeah, I was around there, 38 I told the same thing to Tate I don't know if Tate's going to listen to me. Yeah. Here's what I need from you. Don't go to jail. Don't commit any crimes.

I won't. I won't. Don't steal money from me. Probably will happen. And don't tell actually any real lies. You can lie, but don't actually lie. Yeah, I won't. You can do your fake lies.

Like when you claim like you don't know what happened to the last slice of pizza, but you had eaten it like an hour ago. What happened to the last slice? Yeah, you're a white liar, but let's try to keep it with the white lies. And don't sneak out of my house because I'm going to put, when you get older, I know you're going to try to. I know you're going to go on the roof and try to hop out and do all the things you're going to do.

I'm going to be watching you. I'm going to be watching you. I'm going to be watching you. I might put like a little tracker on you. No, you're going to put a chip in me. What else did I teach you? When you, when you say,

when you meet somebody, you shake their hand and when you say goodbye, you shake their hand. Yes. Shake their hand hard. As long as you have good manners. I don't care if you're a liar. All right. We're going to do a parent corner. Has, have any of your kids in, And hard. As long as you have good manners, I don't care if you're a liar.

All right, we're going to do Parent Corner. Have any of the kids in school heard Parent Corner? No, not yet, actually. I think a couple of the parents have probably heard. Yeah. Coach Braulio. Yeah. Shout out to Braulio.

Before we throw it to Parent Corner, why don't we tell one Parent Corner story? Why don't you tell the story of how you almost got into a fight in your first fourth grade basketball game? So, basically this kid, I'll call him Jerome. Okay, Jerome. Jerome pushed Jackson. He pushed him into the

wall on a layup. You didn't like that. And then I said, you'll be sorry. You walked over to him when Jackson was shooting free throws, and you said, you'll be sorry. And then what happened next? I got super mad, so I trucked the kid. You flagrant fouled him like 20 seconds later. And the parents were horrified, but I enjoyed it

because I thought you laid down the law. Yeah. I thought it was good. That's why Tate, you know, his middle name is Oak I thought you laid down the law. Thought it was good. That's why Tate, you know, his middle name is Oakley. Boston. Charles Oakley. BOS, but more importantly, the Charles Oakley DNA is in him. With his

flagrant foul in his first fourth grade basketball game. Good job, Ben. Ben, just stay out of jail. Do that for me. And treat everyone with respect. I will. And only tell me white lies. Okay. And continue to be funny. Coming up right now, just a smorgasbord of Parent Corner.

You can hear stories about this kid right here. Thanks for coming on, Ben. Welcome. All right, so coming off a really successful Parent Corner special episode of all of our Parent Corner things. Expectations are high for this week. I'll let you go first. I wish I had a great one, but

it actually sounds like champagne problems, but you know when you want to upgrade your TV? I'm getting a bigger TV for the living room. TVs are much cheaper these days. Exactly. What happens when you do that? All the other TVs move to the other rooms

right the den tv goes to the bedroom yeah if you're lucky you start demoting tvs lucky enough when you have a family someday you'll understand listen to this it's great this is the future right rich people problem it's really good uh so now my 12 year old is like all right well we're getting a new tv i get the whatever the shittiest TV is now in my room. He doesn't have a TV in his room. Do your kids have TVs in their room? My daughter does. She does?

Yeah. When did this happen? About a year and a half ago. And was it part of a rotation switch or you just got a new one? It was a TV to motion. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It was a leftover TV. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't know what to do here. I don't want to give it to him because I don't think we'll ever see him again. On the other hand, he doesn't get along with any of his brothers. So it would cost me

nothing and there would be less screaming. You'd never have to see him again. We wouldn't have to see him. We wouldn't have to see him screaming. Yeah. But we said no. You said no? You heard that. So now I have this extra TV and I want to raffle it off. Well, not raffle it off, but maybe we have some kind of contest. Why don't you dangle it?

The TV my son should have had, but it's not getting it. Why don't you dangle it over his bed like a Money in the Bank match? Take out a billboard so when he drives by it from home, he just sees it. I was thinking, I was like, you know what we're going to do? We're going to hang it in your bathroom. We're going to put it in his bathroom. If you want it that much, we'll see. We'll. He just sees it. I was thinking. I was like, you know what we're going to do? We're going to hang it in your bathroom. We're going to put it in his bathroom. If you want it that much, we'll see. We'll see if you want it.

But I want to raffle. I want to give this away to a winner, a listener or something. We'll come up with a contest midweek or something. That's a good idea. Okay. I like that. Tell us more about the TV. Well, I don't know which one it is yet.

Okay. It's enticing. It's a flat screen. It's not one of those big ones with the big backyard. So it's a flat screen from like three, four years ago. It's not a Magnavox? No, no, not a Magnavox. I didn't get the specifics.

I should have gotten the specifics. You know what we'll do? Because we're doing the Steve Kerr mailbag. Yeah. The best mailbag answer. What question should it be though uh no i'm saying the best the best mailbag question for the steve kerr thing okay um gets my extra tv yeah but it should probably be somebody in the la area what do i care are you gonna mail it to them oh yeah oh i see now it's

getting complicated you're mailing a tv i don't want them coming to my house my yeah i think it's better if they come to your house and have your son stand there and have to give it to him. A single tear dropping down his face. There goes my TV. When I was 12 years old, I had a paper route, and I had a four-inch black-and-white TV, and I would watch The Odd Couple at 11 o'clock on a honeymoon that was 11.30 every night,

and that was it. But I worked for it. You know what? I spent Thanksgiving with my mom, and she reminded me that when my parents got divorced, That was it. But I worked for it. You know what? I spent Thanksgiving with my mom. Yeah. And she reminded me that when my parents got divorced, they used to take the train back between Boston and Connecticut to see my dad on the weekends.

Well, first it was to see my mom on the weekends, and then I moved to Connecticut. But my stepdad got me this TV that was probably a little bigger than an iPhone and fatter and it had an antenna yes I had one of those too was the antenna a cord or was it a it was like this little

metal antenna and I would take the train and I could watch it on certain points of the train or when it stopped or when I was whatever but it would only get like the local channels like 247 so when I would take the train or when it stopped or when I was whatever. But it would only get like the local channels, like 247. So when I would take the train back on Sundays, I could catch football games.

I'd be watching these Patriot games. They would fade in and out. And man, we've come a long way. Now it's like my iPhone is connected to the Sunday ticket package. And it's just amazing. We have to, everybody's shitting on 2017. I think sometimes we have to embrace's shitting on 2017 i think sometimes we have to embrace the positives you're right um my parent corner this week

so this isn't my parent corner but i did i spent the weekend with my daughter in uh in san diego and it's it's it was good it's the you know whole uh actually i guess this could be part of the parent corner um we went to go we were she had this three-day tournament in san diego and uh on saturday we didn't have a game in the afternoon and she wanted to go to the movies so we went to go see murder the orion express or as my daughter or as my son calls it murder in in the Polar Express. That's what he thought the movie was. So we go, and it's basically sold out. And Lady Bird was playing.

Right. Which I really wanted to see. And I was told, like, Amanda Dobbins of The Ringer said, Zoe should see it. It's important. It's about this girl in high school and her relationship with her mom. I'm like, all right, I'm going to take her. So we go to Lady Bird.

There's a losing the virginity scene in there, which I wasn't totally prepared for. And hanging out, really enjoyed the movie. It's, you know, it doesn't cross any lines. And then all of a sudden, she decides she's going to lose her virginity with this guy. And she's on top. And we're in this Sinopolis theater tate just looked at me terrified uh i watched fast times at ridgemont high on the flight back so that also happens in that movie but probably probably totally different and more fun

this was a little more subtle but still i didn't know where it was going yeah and we're in this sinopolis theater which is this theater they had in Del Mar, which is nice. And it's like, it's got like the recliner seats and all this. And I like dive over to cover her eyes and she's covering her eyes. And she's at this point more embarrassed to be around you. We're both embarrassed. This is why you just have. Yeah, it's horrible. And there's 10 seconds and her eyes are closed and there's like a little groaning

and I just wanted to die. But that's not my parent corner for this week. Let me just say, I just thought of an idea while you said that. The movie theater should provide you

with an extra bucket. You buy your popcorn and then you get an empty bucket so you could shove it over your kid's head. Yes, when the sex scenes are going on. Or you should just

club your kid unconscious until the thing hits there's something kind of injection fortunately it ended within like 10 12 seconds oh you have such bad luck with this well that but that's i have a better paracord story this so we're we're hanging out on wednesday there's this new show on showtime called smilf yeah right and we had the funny show yeah yeah put it on my daughter's working on some science project she's not watching my wife my wife and i're watching and my son's on his like on somebody's iphone just watching slime videos or something i'm barely paying attention

smilf starts there's a basketball scene. It's fine. It seems okay. And I'm going through basketball scores and not really paying attention. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, Bill, Bill, turn it off. And I look up, and the lead character of Smilf

has one of those tiny little rabbit vibrators. And she's like, turn this off. So now I'm grabbing the remote and i flip it off and not sure if my son saw anything and my my son turns he's got this big smile on his face and he goes she was gonna use a vibrator on her for jj he just turned 10 he totally knew it was going on and and it was it was one of the most horrifying moments of my life oh he's making his own she was gonna use a vibrator in her vajayjay actual quote from my son there's no bucket for that my daughter had probably had no idea what was going on

my son instantly recognizes the rabbit vibrator so now now it's big you need to check what he's watching on his phone yeah big debate about maybe our youtube our youtube uh parental control things where is he finding this rat did the undertaker pull out a rabbit i barely know what a rabbit vibrator looks like it's crazy yeah so yeah i'm uncomfortable she's gonna use a vibrator on her vajayjay. That's a crazy quote. Who knew Leatherface was going to be a more positive story than that story? So anyway, the moral of that story is don't watch Smurf with your 10-year-old kid. Don't watch anything.

Don't watch anything. Just put your kids in a bubble. Have the TV. Have the empty bucket ready. God, what a week for me. Pear Corner, you want to go first? Coin flip? I'll go first.

I don't care. Well, you don't have younger kids, but I do. But you probably remember this. You remember the elf on the shelf? Yeah, like it was going out of my house last year with my 11-year-old, 9-year-old. Oh, they were still on board. I think my son actually might have believed in it. My daughter was playing along because she wanted the gifts.

Right. I got it. Yeah. Okay. So for those of you not familiar, the elf on the shelf is something you buy. And in the whole month of December, you convince your stupid kid that the elf is there to witness your behavior. Yep. that the elf is there to witness your behavior. And then at night, the elf flies away while you're sleeping and goes to report to Santa how you behaved.

And then magically in the middle of the night, reappears but in a different spot every day for December. So it's the parent's job to move this thing. And it's the worst burden on the earth. You have to wait until everybody goes to bed. Terrible. If you have an older kid that might be 10, 30, 11, you just got to wait.

You got to wait. Everyone finally goes to bed. You got to go downstairs and do stuff around. So I put the over-under at December 3rd before one of us, my wife, or I forget to hide the elf on the shelf. And we didn't make it. Yeah.

December 2nd, my four-year-old comes down and says, why is Goldie by the fireplace when he was by the fireplace last night? So now you have to make up this stupid story like, oh, Goldie. Goldie got drunk. Yeah, he got drunk. The truth is mom got drunk and forgot to move it. Like we were taking turns. And especially on the weekend, it's tough because they stay up later and everything.

So that's basically the story. Like this kid, now we have to lie to this kid. You're lying now for the Christmas tradition. Yeah, we're lying on top of a lie, this stupid thing. But there needs to be a service that does this for you. We'll walk your dog at midnight and we'll switch. Oh, like how you pay $20 for a dog walk? Yes, yes.

It's like $15 for the elf. That sounds like that could lead to a lot of crime. Whatever, whatever. I mean, I don't want to lie to my kid anymore. Do you want to know I handled Elf and the Shelf? What did you do? My wife was complaining about it last year and the kids were like, oh, the Elf and the Shelf, I wonder where he's going to go tonight.

And I was so tired of hearing my wife complain about it because I refused to do it that i said to them you know who the elf in the shelf is it's mom it's she's right there oh no and uh my son thought i was kidding my daughter i think she was still holding on to 10 and uh yeah well i saw your son tonight and i asked him about because he was watching something with elf on on the Shelf. I was like, what do you think about the Elf on the Shelf? Because I had this story prepared and he's like, I don't believe it. I'm like, oh, why not? He's like, well, it's not real.

I said, why do you think that? He's like, I learned the hard way. My father told me. Did he say that? There you go. Yeah. That's the hard way to learn. It's the worst thing I've ever done to him.

Oh, if only that were true. So first I have a parent corner correction from my story last week. Okay. Where I said that my son, when we were watching Smurf, my son said she was going to put a vibrator in her vajayjay. My wife points out he actually said dildo, not vibrator. Oh, okay. She's going to put a dildo in her vajayjay. My wife points out he actually said dildo, not vibrate. Oh, okay. She's going to put a dildo on her vajayjay. Oh, all right.

So, yeah, just wanted to clear that up. Right, and the Bills fans celebrated that statement today. Yeah, the Bills fans had another dildo. Incredible. Okay, that's good clarifications. So last night watching a movie with my wife and my daughter's at another bat mitzvah because every week there's a bat mitzvah now. Right. And I'm texting her to just make sure she's alive. And I'm holding the phone and the text I had sent her, like two texts texts before was a picture of her with our

dog. So my wife's looking over my shoulder and see, and I'm like, what is that? And I click on the picture because I'd forgotten I sent it. And it was this picture of her and the, and the dog, my wife leans over my shoulder.

She's kind of far away. And she goes, what the hell is that? And I'm like, what do you mean? And she's like, what's that? What's that picture? And I'm like, what do you mean? And she's like, what's that? What's that picture?

And I'm like, it's, it's Zoe. And she was like, oh, oh, wow. She thought,

cause my daughter is now five foot five. Right. She thought some girl had mailed me a picture. Wow. This is a picture of my daughter with the dog and she looks cute in it, but she thought it was some, like Lassie mailed me a picture. Wow. So it's this picture of my daughter with the dog and she looks cute in it but she thought it was some like lassie mailed me a picture and it was our daughter. Lass.

That she got super upset about for four seconds. That she thought I was texting or like some sort of whatever. Now does that make you feel good or do you become scared? So it made me feel bad twice. It made me mad at my wife that she thought I was exchanging texts

with somebody, especially now during the craziest day of all time. But then also, it made me mad that she mistook our 12-year-old daughter for somebody who would send me provocative pictures from far away. Now, it turns out my wife wasn't wearing her glasses anyway

either, so she had like whatever. So she had like kind of whatever. Because she lost them. She probably did. But yeah, so that was the first time that's happened. Wow. Yeah. That's great. I don't even know if that's parent corner.

Well, yeah, that's like almost it goes into husband corner. You're in a lot of trouble. You need to remove all the females from your NFL slack. Carrie's going to be furious. So I have two parent corner stories this week. The other one is my son is on House Party, which is this, it's like

kind of that Google Hangout app, but the kids use it and they can all go in the same room. I've heard not great things about this. It's not great. So for the first time, he's had Kids use it and they can all go in the same room. I've heard not great things about this. It's not great. Yeah. It's not great. So for the first time he's had girls, these two girls from schools that he's friends with. Yeah. One of whom that he likes.

And then this other friend of theirs. And they were on house party for three and a half hours on Friday night. Wow. And we snuck up a couple of times to listen to what they were talking about. And each time my son heard us and said, code red, like in all like dead serious, like to tell that the parents are coming. I mean, they're like 10. What the hell are they talking about? Yeah. I don't know.

So I kept sneaking back there. They're talking about. And you're not going to be surprised to hear this, but it was some of the dumbest conversational banner you'll ever hear in your life. Really, really the lowest level of dumb dumbest conversational banter you'll ever hear in your life. Really, really, the lowest level of dumbness. Like what? Well, at one point, he was showing the other kids

what was in his room and just narrating it and boring tenure. I mean, it was just the worst. They were on for two and a half hours. But I think this is how this generation is going to interact. No one leaves their house. No one leaves their house.

There's no reason to. And everything's in a group. Like my daughter does, she studies with like her friend on FaceTime and they do math together. Everything is like you're with somebody at all times, but not really. I think we're screwed. Yeah, but it gets bad. If Trump doesn't kill us us the next generation will i have a bad story about this like a buddy of mine and then like some some girl and like you know the girls are flashing and

stuff and then like a father walks by and now he's seen it and it's really oh god and it's like becomes like a criminal thing it's really fucking bad that he's's seen? Yeah, yeah. It's like, well, now he can't even say anything. It's very, it's bad news. Parent Corner was brought to you by Sony. I can't believe no one wants to sponsor this segment. Why does anyone want to sponsor this? God, it got so dark. Jesus.

Sponsored by House Party. Parent Corner had an awkward situation this week when a girl on Zoe's soccer team talked about how much she loved Parent Corner. Her and her parents listened to the whole Parent Podcast. Now there's 12-year-old girls hearing about your sex life. Yeah. Why don't you go first?

We have to be careful with these? Mine isn't that good this week, so I don't know whether... Mine's okay, though. I don't know. I'll go first? We have to be careful with these? Mine isn't that good this week, so I don't know whether... Mine's okay, though. I don't know. I'll go first. It's not that good. So every year we do a Christmas card. You do one, right?

Yeah. You have all nice, beautiful pictures, right, of the kids. I don't know if my wife has even finished it yet this year. It's an issue. Yeah. Yeah. It's always an issue with me, too. With me, it's stupid.

I did a dumb thing where I said, let's get creative with these. So like one year we had the kids on Santa's lap and their eyes were closed. All three of their eyes were closed. And one year they were all playing on iPads on Santa's lap, not paying attention. One year I had Rowdy Roddy Piper with the family. So now I have to keep this going. It has to be like a bit, just another bit. And my wife is like day after Thanksgiving. She's like, what's our Christmas card? I said, I don't even want to keep this going. It has to be like a bit, just a, another bit. And, and my wife is like at day after Thanksgiving.

She's like, what's our Christmas car. I said, I don't even want to think about this. I have football and Trump jokes and crazy stuff. I have no time for this. Now it's December 9th and we don't have a, a Christmas card.

And I say to the kids, all right, we're going to get our Christmas tree. I say to the wife and kids, I said, let's, uh, let's have the kids fight by just have a fight

and i'll just snap pictures and buy the christmas trees and and that'll be it no no i don't want to fight my wife's like i don't want that that'll show that they're crazy and it's not going to be good and all that i'm like all right and i fight with her so we go in for the christmas tree i'm like get get dressed and my oldest like why it's like 75 degrees i was like put a scarf on i don't care we made it has to look holiday-ish so he goes there and uh and we're all now right around the trees and i yell all right kids fight and they're just like going at it and running and chasing around the trees and i'm now running with the camera and i'm knocking like old ladies over and the help you know like i don't know if you know, those Christmas tree helpers, like they're kind of like on work parole. Like they're,

they're kind of just out of jail. A lot of them. Or maybe I'd like one of those work weekend passes where they have to go back on Monday. They have no time for my nonsense. That's for sure. But I'm not getting it. Like the branches are in the kid's eyes and the nine-year-old can't stand a three-year-old. So he wants to tackle him right away. And the 12-year-old gets mad at the nine-year-old, he wants to tackle him right away and the 12-year-old gets mad the nine-year-old but i'm not getting a good shot and i'm backing in the people and the wife is mad and uh there's no great ending to it but i ended up deleting every picture and now that was it you caused a royal rumble at the christmas tree store rumble for no reason and now i was like you know what we're going to use the 2013 christmas card the kids good you're running it back the four-year-'m going to say, sorry, we were just too lazy this year.

Cross out 2017. That's a good idea. That's it. That's it. I like that idea. I don't know with the Christmas cards. It never ends though, right? It gets competitive with-

Oh, I know. The moms get a little competitive about it. Yeah. There's so much Christmas card judgment in our house. Oh my God, I love it. We don't open any. What we do is we get them and we just put them in this giant bowl

and we don't look at them. What do you mean? We get them, we don't open them. And then we have this night where we go through all of them. And it's the most judgmental my daughter can get. It really is. It's so good.

Oh, that's not even in focus. Like a lot of those. It's great. I should so good. Oh, that's not even in focus. Like a lot of those. It's great. I should Instagram live it this year. The funny thing is, you should definitely do it. Depending on who it is, but if it's a shot at the beach,

my wife can be like, oh, look at the Smiths. It looks so nice. And then if it's someone she doesn't like, she's like, look at these people rubbing it in at the beach. It was disgusting. I i was like we just looked at three that you liked about that talking about that's a good one um i'm gonna tell my story of my daughter's soccer tournament that she had this weekend which was a saturday sunday thing we drive down on saturday win the first game

now we have like seven hours to kill the second games at 7 30 at night how do you do it so 11 o'clock so we're in the double tree in irvine irvine's the best place for a soccer tournament because uh they have this giant irvine spectrum mall so my daughter conks out for two hours and I'm just watching bad TV and Clippers, all this stuff. And then eventually wakes up and then we're off. Get there 7.30. We're playing this team. There's a rule with soccer like you pick a side.

The parents pick one side. The other parents pick the other side. And you do it for a couple reasons. One is like some people like to sit close to the line. You can't just – it's not like the NBA where you just get to sit in court and pick a side um but this this team for whatever reason they just took all the best territory right around midfield on both sides both sides so we're like and there's a lot of them and we don't have as many parents and some in the past we've done the whole, hey, you're supposed to pick a side.

They want people to do this because it's a great way for parents to get in fights when they're right next to each other. There's so many at this point. We just kind of set up in one spot. So the game starts. The people on our left start complaining that we're on their side. And we're like, we're not on it. You guys took both sides. And they're like, we're supposed to be on the side

that were our benches. And we're like, well, then we'll go on the other side, but tell all your parents to move here. And they're just sitting in chairs, not moving. And they're like, well, whatever, giving us attitude. We're like, well, what side do you want to be on? So now we're yelling back and forth with these parents. It goes, the us attitude. We're like, well, what side do you want to be on? So now we're yelling back and forth with these parents. It goes, the moment passes.

Three minutes later, somebody on the other side's like, you know, we score, we're applauding, and somebody makes a comment. Basically like, you're on the wrong side. We're like, what side are we supposed to be on? Look, there are all your parents over there. So I'm mad, somebody else. And it's like, is this going to go down?

We're going to get in a fight? And then it settles down again. And it's ridiculous. And we lose the dumbest game I think we've ever lost. Two to one. They score on both of their two chances. We have 75,000 chances that we don't score on. But we had won the first game.

Three team brackets. Final four. So the best team in each bracket advances. So now we're in a three-way tiebreaker with these other two teams. The team we beat and the team that we lost the stupid game to. The bracket sends us through. Some sort of tiebreaker system. So now we're in the semis.

We're like, thank God. That would have been the worst if we lost this team. We never should have lost to we're in the semis. We're like, thank God. That would have been the worst if we lost this team. We never should have lost to show up the next morning. The other team protests how the tiebreaker rules were interpreted. Oh, so we're all there. We're ready. We're playing semifinals. Zoe's all fired up.

She got up early. She had a bagel. She's got blister blister stuff on. She's like ready to roll. Really wants to win this tournament. and now there's a big conference our manager's yelling at the whole thing and it turns out our kids get bumped and have to go to the consolation game because no because the third the first tiebreakers head-to-head so everybody beat each other second tiebreakers goal differential everybody had the same goal differential.

We scored three goals and gave up three goals. The other two teams scored two goals, gave up two goals. The third tirebreaker, what do you think it is? Do you think it's goals scored or goals or least goals allowed? Hold on. Let me check CBS Sportsline and see how they do it. Least goals allowed. Okay, that was the tirebreaker.

Oh, you're saying that's wrong. So two teams had two goals allowed we had three so the coach argued that we should have now been eliminated from the three-way tiebreaker because we had we weren't and it should have been the other two advanced the tournament director decides that this is actually the correct interpretation apologizes to us here's my point by the way all yelling We're all mad. Every team shows up. The team that was eliminated shows up thinking. They were in another consolation game that was like two fields over.

So they're like, hey, we're going to play if we can get this. So we take their spot in the consolation. That team ends up winning the tournament. The team that we beat. Wow. Here's my point. Here's why I tell this on Parent Corner. Other than the fact that I almost was in two different altercations this weekend.

U.S. soccer is terrible, right? U.S. soccer is the worst. We didn't make the World Cup. We have no creativity. We have no scoring on our team. Pulisic is the only good player we have. This is why. We just stink.

We're just offensively, we're so uncreative. This whole youth soccer system is set up to play kickball and to not give up goals. And to not have possession, to not be creative, to not attack. You're basically trying to play one-nothing games and get into penalty kicks. And just be as conservative as possible. If there's any danger to your thing, kick it out. Then they reward it with this tiebreaker thing and the tiebreaker is

least goals allowed versus most goals allowed. Yeah. They reward you to play like shit. Interesting. All right. So,

fuck you, U.S. soccer. That's my parent quarter. We had the best team in that tournament. Sponsored by Doubletree. Yeah. Can you believe that, though?

Least goals allowed. I can't believe you should. What time was that game Sunday? You're literally better off Going to the Eastern It was 9.30 And so you show up With everybody Oh my god

We're like yeah We're playing the semis Here we go Oh that's bad And then You're better off Playing 0-0 games And just going penalty kicks

This is why US soccer sucks Because this is how we think As a country That should have been Your Christmas card You brawling on the with the parents yeah and by the way parents out there pick a fucking side pick one side or the other side you don't get to sit on both sides u.s soccer sucks because in the in the world cup we're all on all different sides you're gonna see me in like tmz and some sort of i can't wait i'm gonna have to alert

rigger ceo bill simmons in fist fight over seat location. I'm going to send the crew. Pick one fucking side and sit in the side, and then we get the other side. This isn't hard. I love it. God damn it. I hate you, soccer.

I'm so glad it's over. I can't wait for it to come back. Is it over? Our season's over now. Yeah, but that's when you get two weeks off. Yeah, then it comes back in January. Coming back. January's three weeks. I've decided there's one more piece to the story season's over now yeah but that's so that's yeah then it comes back in january yeah coming back january's three weeks i i've decided there's one more piece to the story that i'm not gonna say

because it would cause too much parent tension oh really all right yeah um just say it what is it i can't what is it i care i don't worry about the 12 year old listening and her parents just ruined it that's fine before we do parent corner this week America's favorite segment wanted to mention yesterday our kids hung out together all day who have known each other

since they were literally like a month old your daughter's like three weeks older than my son they're hanging out. Great time. Afterwards, she's like, I got to get Archie's number. I really miss him. There you go. Had a good time.

It's nice to see the kids that have the big, long history of hanging out. Yeah. And it doesn't get weird even as things like puberty start entering the equation. You want to go first for Parent Corner? I'll go first. Yeah. You're the equation. You want to go first for Parent Corner? I'll go first, yeah. So my middle son, nine-year-old, he's not into anything, really.

He watches wrestling on YouTube, but from the Attitude Era. But if I put Raw on, he's like, nah, I don't want to deal with it, and he's just watching YouTube. But physically, you try to get them... Your kids are good, because they focus in and they know what they want. I didn't realize my kids were good.

No. Your daughter's playing soccer. Yeah. Keeps you from watching football for the last 17 years. True. True. Your son's all over. He likes sports.

My nine-year-old doesn't like contact or anything. But anyway, we signed him up for Taekwondo. Good. All right. So he's sort of into it. It's twice a week he gets his yellow belt after a couple months he tests for his purple belt and makes it like on a third try like he's not really like they put a he has to break a board which is uh which is the

size of the index card of basically that they used to measure the first down yesterday so he finally breaks the board so the purple belt everybody who tested for their belts, as I look at Prince, Prince right now talking purple belts. But you have the testing is done on Wednesday. He passed the test. Saturday, you pick up your belt. Yes. It's a big ceremony. You bring a potluck meal and then you pick up your belt and you leave.

So we have a million things going on Saturday. It's my younger son's birthday. Yeah. And I was like, and then Melissa, my wife, talks to one of the moms and says, oh, no, this is not something you could just duck in and take the belt. You have to sit and watch the black belts perform and everything. It's a three-hour thing. I was like, oh, we are not doing this.

I'm telling you right now i have the general trifecta in town yeah we have other things to do i'm gonna watch uh the black belts perform so i go friday with my son who has his gi on and uh i was like hey uh he'll he'll take a lesson now because there's a friday open session and uh can we take his purple belt and they're like no no you have to wait uh till um tomorrow I said oh well uh yeah we're not gonna be around tomorrow we're out of town and and I looked in the corner of my eye I see like a box with belts and everything and it's like it says like Saturday Saturday outing and it's got all the stuff set up I'm like it's right there why don't I take it they're like no you have to wait I was, well, is he a purple belt or is he not a purple belt?

Like, yeah, he is a purple belt. I'm like, well, give him his purple belt. This is getting stupid now. I'm like, no. Well, let me talk to the sensei, the main sensei. John Kreese comes over. What's going on here? This is crazy.

I was like, all right, well, he's here now in dress. So can he get his lesson? He's like, well, he's here now in dress. So can he get his lesson? He's like, well, he's wearing his yellow belt. I was like, yeah, well, that's the only belt he has now because you won't give him the belt. He's like, yeah, but he's not a yellow belt, so he can't perform as a yellow belt. I'm like, well, then give him the purple belt,

and he'll take the lesson now, and he'll perform as a purple belt. I'm like, no, he can't do that unless you go to the ceremony. I was like, am I stuck in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode here? This is the most insane thing. So after 20 minutes of me losing my top, almost getting my ass kicked by this 24-year-old female black belt, she's got a ponytail waving around,

they reluctantly agree to let him practice, do the session as a yellow belt, even though he's not a yellow belt and i have to go next week to pick up the purple belt which one's better yellow or purple purple i guess is better but this is a joke because just give me the belt i had to pay 250 for the next belt that's what they do they give them more belts to keep them interested until they get to green and brown and then you have to like kind of kick somebody's ass or then it turns into blood sport with von don right exactly but until then give me the belt that i could see 10 feet

away please instead of ruining my saturday so that was it incredible yeah the bottom line is all these places people like parent corner because a lot of people don't have kids normally their instinct is to be like i don't want to hear about other people's kids but this is a window into your future which i think is why people like it but with some of these things it's it's it's a racket it's 250 gymnastics is a racket like my daughter when she was four and she and we knew she was going to be tall like there was no way she was going to gymnastics but she's really strong and they want her to keep doing it and And they're like, we think she could be really special in gymnastics. If she comes 15 hours a week, we think this will happen. And we're like 15 hours a week.

Hmm. I wonder who that's going to profit. Right. My daughter's four. What is she going to be? Mary Lou Red? She's going to be five, 10. Right.

Um, but with the belts, it's worse because it's like, well, you know, it's like 250 bucks. Like, do you want your son not to get the next bell? Right. No, I don't. I want him to be done with those video games. We have to buy tokens to make to make your player better. Yeah. Ridiculous.

My parent corner. Do we talk about how my son kind of has a girlfriend? I heard about this. We haven't talked about it on the podcast. My son has this girl. I talked about on the podcast, Kabuiska, how he was on House Party, that app they have, which is kind of like Google Hangout for stupid kids. You can put that on the poster.

It's like Google Hangout for stupid kids, says Bill Simmons. So he's on, and it's him and his buddy and these two girls, one of whom he's liked for a while. And he's in fourth grade, so it's like who dates somebody in fourth grade that's ridiculous, that's unheard of? But my son really likes this girl. And her birthday was coming up, and he was with my mom and comes home. And my mom, they decided they were going to shop for her birthday.

And he bought her a necklace that was $25 out of his own money. No kidding. Like out of his Christmas money. And decided he was going to bring it in on her birthday and give her this bag with the necklace in it which apparently he did she opened it she was totally touched she put it on she wore it all day and then when uh when my wife came to pick up my son she came over like ben got me this for whatever and then we had this choir thing on Thursday night. And now her parents are somehow sitting right behind us. Awesome.

Which I didn't know, but my wife was talking to them. And they seemed okay with it. I don't know if I would have been okay with it if it was like my daughter in the fourth grade and somebody's giving her birthday presents and whatever. But they thought it was adorable, which was the right reaction. I mean, he's also in the fourth fourth right he's not an eighth grader yeah 11th grade it would have been weird so it was all adorable and innocent and she had the necklace on and he gave it and we're teasing him and and then they're planning on whether they're gonna have a date with all

the parents coming this weekend and And my son's 10. It's just, I don't, I don't know what to make of any of it. You don't have to pay for the wedding. You're fine. It's just bizarre. The moral of the story is little kids are weird.

You never know what's going to float their boat. This is from house party. This app. You think this. Yeah. From school. This was born from house. But yeah, school.

Yeah. So very strange. But now they could date like with this house party app they don't even have to go out like every nobody goes out well he disappears now so it's it's definitely a window in the future because it'd be like where's ben and then you go upstairs and his door's closed and he's on the phone but it's you know they're 10 so i'll try to overhear the conversations and of course they're the dumbest conversations you've ever heard. It's not like either of them have a lot of life experiences. Yeah. Right.

What are they going to talk about? When did you stop picking your boogers? Right. Isn't it funny how we want to listen in on these conversations? But if we were that age, we would be so pissed off of our parents. Just like, leave me alone. Yeah, get out of here. Yeah.

I just would have been talking about like hockey fights with my friends and like just watching hockey games and waiting for hockey fight. But, uh, yeah, it's, it's, uh,

these are weird times. You can have somebody in your life all the time, even at age 10. Yeah. You can basically enact a fake relationship. You can. Yeah. You can have a purple belt for under 250 dollars i told

i told him like look don't you can't date this girl for a long time you just can't just can't you got a couple months in you got to just move on man oh no yeah it's like i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna have sal dated somebody for nine years once. You just got to move on. You can't get tied down. You had Russell, Hustle, and Bustle. You went on to Jimmy G. You're too young. You're 10. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Don't get bogged down by this one. Did you really say that? No, I didn't. You should. I'm staying up. Let's hope they're not talking about wrestling, especially if they talk to your kids. Way to bring that full circle.

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You're in Hawaii. I can't wait for this. Well, this is going to sound a little douchey, and it's short. Please. We're in Hawaii. I'm with Corolla and Daniel Kallison and their families. We should mention Daniel Kallison is a top four craziest friend we have. Yeah, yeah.

Very aggressive. Lots of fun on trips like this. Shirts off the whole time. Shirts off. Drinks. Who wants a drink doesn't care how much he spends it's talking to random people oh yeah good time yeah is this the beginning of new year's for you or the end of new year's why are you guys going in so early you know

like people we don't even know in the elevator like all right just leave everyone alone but he was great fun it was a lot of fun but uh so we run into howie mandel yeah and howie mandel is one of the nicest celebrities ever met i put him up there like with john ritter and and henry winkler and all those guys just super nice guy me too i've met him like twice through the show carola knows him better but he's one of those guys who like you meet your kids and then he's calling them by name within two minutes and like he'll have met eight just don't touch him touch him, though. Just don't touch him. He has that weird crazy OCD thing. Crazy OCD.

Can't touch him. Crazy germs. Purell hasn't worked on him in like 15 years because he used so much of it. He's just pouring gasoline on his hands. He's done the fist bump thing. When history is rewritten, he'll have invented it. He didn't, but you know. The fist bump.

He did the fist bump. He doesn't like germs. Yeah. That's his thing. Everybody knows that. You just mentioned everybody knows it. My son, Harrison, who just turned four this week, was out of his mind on sugar the whole time and just like ramped up just crazy all over the place. So he's meeting these kids. And I'm on the other side of the room at this point when he's meeting everybody.

And Harrison has this thing where if you stick your hand out for a high five, he bites your hand. He literally bites the hand that feeds him. So here's Howie Mandel, super sweet guy, fist-pumping all the kids, and Harrison is in line to meet this guy. What did he know from Howie Mandel? But he goes, and he sees a fist bump, and I see the mouth open, and now it's on.

And now it's like Bosworth against Bo Jackson, and I'm coming across the room because I need to intercept this because if he bites Howie Mandel's hand, it's going to be bad shit. And there it's like the mouth is open, it's like jaws, goes to fist bump, and I like lower the shoulder into my four-year-old and get him out of the way just in time and howie mandel's looking at me like what's the matter with you why do you abuse your child do i need to call child protective services is hawaii even have something like that so that was the story i just had to get him i just uh avoided tragedy there getting harrison

out of the way that's so weird is that why you bought your son a Marv Albert wig for Christmas? That's exactly why. Secret's out now. I didn't know your son had a biting thing. No, he just does it to fuck with people. He's not even doing it to be aggressive. He likes to get yelled at for attempting to bite people.

That's it. Wow. Thank God for Howie. I don't know if he ever would have recovered. No, I know. How was the Howie Mandel's boat? I was at the freaking sports bar. You didn't go, but what did they say? Everyone else went, though.

Everyone loved it. They went scuba diving. Corolla didn't fall off? Super nice. He didn't fall off. No. How many times in a week did Corolla's eyes roll in the back of his head as he told the story?

How many times did he look up and his eyes just went every time? Every time. Yeah. My parent corner. So much to work with, with Christmas. Yeah, I know.

I mean, really, really something else really magnificent. But, uh, you know, there's this big controversy with Logan Paul this week. I don't know if you follow,

you know, Logan Paul, this YouTube star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I saw this. This is a som Paul this week. I don't know if you follow. You know Logan Paul, this YouTube star? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I saw this. This is a somber parent corner. Not a lot of laughs in this one. So Logan Paul, one of my son's heroes.

He's part of the Lo Gang. He has a Logan Paul knapsack. He has a jacket. Watches his vlog every day. He's seen all his videos. My daughter likes him too, but not as much as my son. My son's kind of in the Logan Paul wheelhouse because he's tan and he's an idiot, which really fits in with the Logan Paul demo. Logan Paul goes to Japan, goes to this suicide forest that's like this Allegedly haunted forest Where people go

And commit suicide Sometimes apparently I'd never even heard of it And They're taping And they see this Guy is hanging And

It was like What is that? What's that? Is that Is this for real? And The whole 15 minute video Of it's this guy

Who's dead Hanging Yeah So I was ready to give Logan Paul the benefit of the doubt because I thought this was live but no not live at all actually

taped they they blurkeled the guy out so they spent a couple hours on it and he's sitting there at one point he makes a joke at the end it's horrible so I find out about this last night because it's in my Apple news I'm like what the fuck is this and I'm reading it I'm like oh my god like i'm so glad my kids didn't see this so i call i call young ben and i'm like ben don't watch uh don't watch it look that logan paul like

there's this crazy well they'd already taken it down but i was like don't go looking for this video i don't want to watch this and he's like oh I watched that last night and I'm like wow you watched a Japanese suicide forest video last night and he's like yeah happy new year it was like is he in trouble for it I'm like yeah he's in a lot of trouble like his career might be over and

and my son was like I didn't know whatever I didn't know if it was real or not and it was just it seemed like one of his videos and just bounced right off him unbelievable and i'm like you realize i was like a dead guy is that yeah is he thinking like art that generation is so screwed like the stuff that they could see in the internet the japanese suicide forest videos just bouncing off yeah how depressing is this i think if he were 12 and 13 it was bouncing off it'd be a little worse but i think he's still in the i don't think he knew what it was i don't think he totally knew

what it was i was explaining to him that it was bad yeah then you have to explain the whole thing to him that's what ends up being so then i tell i'm talking to him and my daughter about it i'm like this might be it for logan paul like he might his career might be over and they're like his career's not over he'll be fine like they're like, his career's not over. He'll be fine. They're ready to fight for Logan Paul. He made a mistake. He'll be fine. He apologized. They're defending this guy. I'm like, oh my god, this guy,

this is the worst person. We complained about Trump, but maybe we should be complaining about Logan Paul and Jake Paul. I think every kid's... I'm still mad to add Aaron Paul about the Breaking Bad ending. I don't like... No, but he...

Well, Aaron Paul was in this somehow. He had this crazy tweet about it. I was like, wait a minute, are they related? Why is Aaron Paul in this? He's a nothing brother. He's like, first I need to tell everybody we're not related. And also, this guy sucks. But yeah, it is a strange thing.

I don't know. But every kid's hero is invincible. That's why your kids are saying now he'll be back right yeah so my question is do i ban logan paul videos can you do it which i don't think i could i think we'd have to basically i'd have to take away the ipad the whole thing like my son would not be able to go online yeah i don't think you could do it physically and it would be the biggest fight i've ever had with my kids yeah well then you should do it i i don't think you could do it physically. It would be the biggest fight I've ever had with my kids. Yeah. Well, then you should do it. I don't know.

Well, first of all, if you're just against Logan Paul, that's one thing. But I think he'll be, don't you think he'll be more careful now at this point? Well, so the hope is, well, maybe this is the only time he'll pose a Japanese suicide force video on his fucking website. But like, Jesus Christ. He's taking a boatload of shit. He should. No one's forgiving him.

And this is. He should. And his apology was awful. And I don't know. I'm not a member of the outrage culture. And I think I think it's become sport in a lot of ways. And it really bugs me. But what does it mean for this guy to be done?

Like, all right, he started and had no sponsors and now he's got a billion dollar sponsor. He'd be done if parents all banded together and were like, you can't watch this guy's videos anymore. But all that's going to do is make them want to watch them more. So in a weird way this is the greatest thing that ever could have happened to him. I know. And he's a jackass.

He did it for 300 people and he'll do it for 300 people again and they'll find a way to get to him. Honestly, the fact that they edited that and took the time to blur the guy's body out and thought this was a good idea is as scary as Donald Trump to me. Right. The crazy thing is the cults are interviewing him for a job. It's him and Tom Cable. Yeah. Oh, my God. Anyway i he should apologize the second time

yeah and he should maybe put some thought into this not to sound like i agree old dad on the hill but holy shit i can't believe my son watched that and didn't tell me how does that not come up i can't believe it wasn't live like they had a lot of time to think this was a bad idea and didn't pull the plug on it i think he's like i've done a video every day for 450 days and you're gonna make mistakes this is way more than a mistake american hero god damn it parent corner you want to go first i'll go first because i think i need your help with this one so your daughter plays soccer yeah you're there six times a week in terrible cities

in California all over the map yeah like five yeah and uh my son plays basketball and uh he's a really good defender

doesn't screw up selfless to a point like he'll get the ball in the paint and he will I've seen him dribble and he could dribble

but passes it off and they lost a close game because he, because I think, cause he doesn't go to the hoop. And so when, after the coach meets with the team afterwards for a few minutes after the game, from that point to when you get home, where do you start talking about what you should have done?

Like I'm trying to be a good dad. That's a great question. Not that it's a bad dad. Like, the parlay kid, he has five kids, and he'll go like a week without talking to his kids if they miss a free throw. Like, I know that's not right. But also, you know, play hard.

You're out there once a week. Play hard. So what do you say? When from postgame to home do you bring it up? It's a great question. I've battled with this a lot over the years. First of all, I'd like to know how long the drive was. Seven minutes.

You don't bring it up then? Not at all. You wait until later? Wow. Yeah. Oh. We weren't at the car yet. We're walking to the car.

I was like, Arch, to have to take it to the hoop you have these these extra passes it's it's driving me absolutely crazy be aggressive be aggressive please i know you could do it just get fouled get to the line that's all this team needs and this is you know and i but i did say good game in front of the coach i was like oh good game i saw some things i liked you know, that was great and everything. And I say this to him, and he's exhausted too because it's the first game of the year. He's not really in shape for it. And he looks at me.

He's like, what do you care? You were watching the Chiefs game on your phone, which is not a lie. It's not a lie. But I could watch both. You could do both, right? I have the Chiefs. That's incredible. It was 21-9.

I was like, they were coming back. I couldn't just put it down. I had to watch both. And then I had to explain to them. I was like, listen, your inheritance is a lot less if these money line parlays keep losing. This is important. Do you realize how much Joe House has on the Chiefs? Even more important than you taking the ball to the hoop is me hitting the first leg of this Moneyline parlay.

And then I think he understood. But I am seriously like, when do you do it? Do you ever say anything? So first of all, you have to put yourself in their shoes. Especially if you've had the conversations before and they know they didn't do stuff right. The last thing they want to do is talk about it in in the car which it took me a couple years to learn with that said we had a game in uh palm spring once against palm springs a couple months ago against this really good team that was like kind of our biggest game of the regular season my daughter's

soccer team and she like every six months she'll go in a funk for like three four weeks and she was in one of her confidence funks. And she didn't play well. I could tell before the game she was chewing her nails. I'm like, what the fuck is she nervous for? So she didn't play well. And I think he took her out for the last 20 minutes. And I was so mad that she was nervous for this game.

It's like, how many times do we have to go through these emotional rollercoaster funks? So we get in the car and now we have to drive all the way back to LA. And I'm like, I'm not going to talk about this game. I'm just going to put football on and drive through. And we're driving, we're driving.

I'm not talking about the game. She falls asleep. And like about the hour mark, I'm like, I got to bring this up. So she wakes up, wakes up from that. She's like, how far away are we? I'm like i gotta bring this up so she wakes up wakes up from that she's like how far away are we i'm like why were you more aggressive it's like the longer you're in

the car yeah yeah it just gets worse and worse yeah yeah the thing you have to remember is they're just little people that with not fully formed brains yet and the weirdest thing can throw them off and it also doesn't matter it doesn't right it doesn't no one's playing pro no no one's playing pro but to be aggressive i think is always a good thing sure be aggressive i'm also paying 300 so you can play basketball more shorts once a week and play basketball and not be nervous yeah that's the thing it's like what's the bit worse thing that's gonna happen your team loses you'll be fine yeah I'm watching the football game anyway. It doesn't matter. I have a parent corner update about the Logan Paul situation.

Oh, let's hear it. You've turned the corner. You're a big Logan Paul fan. It's been a very polarizing subject in the elementary schools. Has it? My daughter unfollowed him. Really? On Twitter.

Mm-hmm. And has a couple friends in her life who have also gone the other way and been like, we should support him. He made a mistake. He admitted it. So there's been real dialogue right around. My son's all in. He's supporting the Logang to the bitter end.

Logan Paul took a little break from everything to kind of reevaluate things. So that's where that stands. Oh, man, I hesitate to do this one. My parent corner, this is the first time I've ever actually had to hold off from the parent corner I want to do. Yeah. We really need a sponsor. If we have like a full-fledged sponsor i will go all in it'll be worth it for your son to hate you if we get 75 a week my son has his girlfriend and i have he's

he's 10 years old and it's unbelievable my wife's really upset about it and uh but that's not the uh that's not the one i would do um So I'll do this one. Fridays in my daughter's school is free dress day. Yeah. Your son's school, they don't have to wear a shirt every day or anything, right? No, not every day. But Friday, they usually wear the school shirt or something. So Friday is their free dress day day and now everyone's in the

seventh grade and it's turned into like the most important day of the week right and everybody's got their outfits ready and they're on instagram or text like texting back and forth sending pictures what's what are you wearing two two of her friends wear the same shirt. Is this too tight? This whole thing. And it's like four hours a night on Thursday nights about what free dress day is going to be. And I'm just not ready for the next seven years. Four hours for free dress day.

You somehow had three sons, you motherfucker. That's the way to do it. You motherfucker. Yeah. I have just sons, you motherfucker. That's the way to do it. You motherfucker. Yeah. I have just changes going on. And then in the morning the next day, my wife being upset and there's yelling at 7.15 in the morning, just screaming matches. You should get free dress day sponsored. She got a new outfit every week.

You wouldn't have to worry about it. Well, she's actually pretty lowkey compared to some of the other children right but i just can't believe seventh grade it's like it it's it's like going from pre-season to the playoffs yeah right where it's bizarre yeah all of a sudden people are five six they've hit puberty they're wearing clothes that like she's wearing stuff that my you know from my wife's closet i'm like what is going on wow yeah just kill me that's my parent corner this week just shoot me there make sure she doesn't date logan paul it'll be fine i was really proud of her that she was upset about the logan paul thing yeah good fun yeah it was good uh man i really wish i could do the parent corner next

week think about it for next week i don don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. I have David Shoemaker, our art director and host of the Masked Man Show, is making a special parent corner graphic using the photo of us from 2005 in Las Vegas in front of a topless strip joint with our pushing our baby strollers and we're going to make a fun graphic out of that

and it's going to be great that's great I forgot I remember the picture but I'd love to see it they should have taken the kids away from us then yeah well remember that's when we learned like Vegas was really kid accessible we had no idea they had all these special little walkways

and things for people with kids. Right. Yeah. Went to an aquarium. I think we saw a lion all the while. But you felt like a scumbag rolling the strollers through the casino, right? Yeah. To get places. My biggest regret was gambling until 3 in the morning with

you and our two kids in the strollers. Probably was wrong. I wouldn't have done that again. Alright, you go first for parent corner. I'll go first. Mine's not great, but it's funny how we compare kids. We've said this before. Our oldest are a couple months apart, and our middle kids are a couple months apart,

maybe even less, right? May to June. Yeah, I think our oldest are like three weeks apart. Three weeks apart, yeah. But our nine-year-olds couldn't be more different. Your guy is going to be an MMA fighter if you're lucky, right? Yeah, or in charge. Mine's very quirky.

We haven't figured it out yet. Quirky is very generous, I think, at this point for him. So now he has this thing where he – I showed him that you can go on Google Maps and locate like where you live. And then you go to Street View and you could go like up the street. You could see your neighbors and you could see everybody else's house.

And it's cool because you can maybe, maybe see your car in the driveway on Google Maps. And that's it. And that's as cool as it gets. Okay. So why then did my son last night after i left him at 9 30 to watch one of these uh million movie screeners i need to view for the oscars he comes back at 12 30 at night i was like what did what did you do he came back upstairs like

he's like you got to come down here he printed printed out every house we've known in America, anyone we ever live in, anything, and it's all over the house. It's all over my office. It looks like we're on The Wire season three and we're investigating a crime. It's like Homeland. Yeah, really. Yeah, it's like Homeland. I'm like, what are we going to do with this?

Isn't this great? I'm like, no, it's not great. Why can't you be like Ben Simmons and have a girlfriend send heart emojis on Instagram? What are you doing with this nonsense? So that's really it. I just want to know, maybe you could help how I get him a girlfriend off of Google Maps. It sounds like we should create a sitcom with him and Brad where they live in the same house. And he prints this stuff out for Brad.

And then Brad uses the information and tries to solve crimes or something. I don't know. That's not bad. That's not bad. Have the math man work on a graphic for that. I actually am going double parent corner this week. I have two.

All right. Good. I have a short one. My son, Ben, the liar, he got in trouble at school because he was smuggling candy and Pringles into school and then trying to sell them to the other kids. And trade them for things and had this whole candy rig and became the guy who had the candy. And people were like, hey, Ben, can I get a Kit Kat? It's like it's a very junior level of being the kid in high school who has pot for everybody. He had the candy.

Yeah, yeah. And he was that kid, and he got in trouble. Oh, that's great. Oh, we got to get him. The next step is pushing parlay tickets in the fall. Oh, he's ready. He's very close to being a young budding gambler like us. That was one thing.

Well, listen, here's the problem. He's got a girlfriend, and that's not cheap, even in the fourth grade or whatever. He's got Valentine's Day coming up here, and he got a present for her. Absolutely. You don't give him any allowance, right? Do you give him allowance? No, I think he stole money from me. I mean, he's a liar and a thief.

Whatever he can steal. He's a liar and a thief. Whatever he can steal. He's a liar and a thief. I have to hide my wallet. But that's not my Parent Corner story. That was a warm-up. That was a matinee. It's bar mitzvah season. Oh, yeah.

For my seventh-grade daughter. And she's been to 5 now. And some of them... Have you been to a bar mitzvah? This was a bat mitzvah she went to. But have you been to these? Yeah, I grew up in Long Island. We'd have one in 8th grade.

I had one every week. So when you were going to them, did the kids ask their friends to give speeches? I don't remember that part. Yeah, this feels like a new wrinkle. Right. So a lot of these are 7th grade girls. 7th grade girls can be both super astute

and thoughtful and really intelligent when they're not around other 7th grade girls. But as soon as there's at least two of them, their IQ drops by about 20 points and it's per kid. So if you have three, like, let's say Zoe's at like, I don't know, one 10 IQ, I don't know. But if you put four other, three other seventh grade girls were there, that drops to 50, right?

It's like basically sling blade and uh and they're just idiots and they just laugh and they're just complete idiots together so the only way this could ever be worse is if they're giving speeches in front of 100 people right right so all week i they zoe had a friend asked to give a speech and and there was like a couple other girls that gave speeches and all week i was just hammering her ask to give a speech. And there was like a couple other girls that gave speeches. And all week, I was just hammering her not to give the speech that every girl gives at these things. And here's what happened.

So let's pretend it's Tate's bar mitzvah. It's like, all right, now here's Tate's friend Bill. Tate, you're such an awesome friend. You're the best friend I have ever had. You're so great. You've been such an awesome friend to me. And friend i have ever had you're so great i just you've been such an awesome friend to me and i just want to say congratulations you're such a great friend and it's just a disaster for 40 seconds yeah so i i was adamant that she couldn't give a speech

like that and actually had to put some thought into the speech. What do you want her to be like, Bill Belichick at the post-game press conference? No. She's got to show some emotion. I was like, got to make some sort of personal connection for the speech. So she did. And I was really proud that she gave maybe a 20, 25-second speech that was actually coherent and didn't do that. And my note for Parent Corner, if your kids are going to bar mitzvahs and they're giving

the speeches, spend the extra seven minutes working the speech through with them and don't make it so that they just go up and they just talk about how great the kid is. Make it so it's a chance to get emotional and have a little connection. Like make a little, put a little love and care into it that's good advice and you got grandma helga 108 years old across from you watching you know the kid's grand grandmother who you know dished out like 25 grand for this ceremony yeah she's gonna appreciate the effort you're right the uh yeah i didn't know we were allowed to praise our kids in this i didn't know that that changes That changes everything. Well, I mean, that's why I didn't want to just do a nice one, so I talked

about my son, the liar and the thief who operated the candy ring at his school. Yeah, actually that changes nothing for me. I'm not going to be able to come up with anything like that. That's good. Alright, Parent Corner, you go first. Let me go first. I've had this, I think like an hour after

last week's Parent Corner, I found out about this. Okay. And he's talking about it on his podcast, so I feel like we could talk about it on ours. Adam Carolla's daughter has a crush on my son. And here's what happens. Like every Sunday we watch the games games together and he's actually watching the

games and she's just looking at her phone and she's looking down and i think they say three words to each other in six hours and that's enough she has a crush on him and my wife i told my wife i'm like oh this is crazy she's like you must not make fun i was like what is the point of this if i can't make fun of them about this? And it's funny because it's the one thing, like, we would have killed our parents. If you're with a girl or you're going to dance with a girl, whatever, you don't want your dad's corny jokes, like, at all. You got to get out of the house. You don't want them picking up the phone, the other extension in the kitchen when you're in your bedroom. But when the roles are reversed, I'm like, I got to have it.

This is my this is my number one focus right now yeah to screw with these two i can see your tongues in your cheek corner of your cheek you love this but um she's cute she has one eyebrow but uh but she's cute you know and uh the only thing i'm worried about is i know he's not paying for the wedding yeah i think having carola as your father-in-law is the worst case scenario. What do we do? Unless the wedding's in a drive-thru

and they ride off in a Newman race car or something. Carolla's Christmas party for his whole staff was like he ordered some barbecue on Postmates and they put like a tablecloth on some table. That's right. Yeah, he won't spend more than $5,000 on your wedding. Well, otherwise I wish them luck, but yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, he won't spend more than $5,000 on your wedding. Well, otherwise, I wish them luck, but yeah. Wow.

Yeah. This is unbelievable. I don't know if he likes her. Like I said, they don't talk. I don't know. But that's how people interact now. That's how it is, right? It's just like a couple.

Yeah, that's all it takes. So I went to a bar mitzvah on Saturday night. Oh, you went? Okay. I went because it was a good family friend that we've we're just tight with so i went and i got to watch the whole bar mitzvah scene in action finally and it was spectacular this is the one you warned your daughter of making the speech actually thinking of the speech or was that another barman well she gave a speech for this one too and i was proud of her and by the way i've gotten a

couple uh responses from people thanking us because their kids had to give bar mitzvah speeches and they really pushed them to do it. So a couple things that are on my radar now. One is that my son was out of control at the bar mitzvah and they had a candy bar. Oh yeah. It was the equivalent of like 12 years from now like somebody has cocaine and he's just in the bathroom and just like he's wired three or same thing now it's the same thing that we overdosed on gummy bears and sour patch kids yeah so there was like

a dance scene and he was on the stage in the middle of everything leading it and i showed up later and somebody's like you gotta see ben simmons he took over he's taking i'm like what and i go in he's on the stage and he's he's just a maniac but here's the speech advice i think i think was good advice here's my advice for these bar mitzvahs and stuff i was stunned by how many kids are on their phones the whole time oh Oh, yeah. And there's this one section over on the side where all these too-cool-for-school kids are just on their phones. They're not really interacting.

And then you have people dancing while holding their phones because they all want to take their Instagram things. Yeah. And it's just very phone-centric. And I don't mean to sound like the old guy on the couch but there should be a middle ground my thing is if it was my son's bar mitzvah i would take everyone's phones it's like you're coming in no phones yeah we'll give your phones back at the end almost like uh some part some people do that at parties right you get like the little lock boxes it's like right you don't have your phones for five hours sorry you're gonna have to interact and have fun and socialize.

Yeah, it's not like they're wives in labor or anything where you need your phone. You don't need your phone. The only thing you need your phone for is like some of them were posting Instagram videos and stuff like that. So that's it. That's it. But that's invaluable though. That is invaluable to the party, the kid whose party it is and everything. But maybe you have, you know, in the old days you have like the wedding photographer or something like that maybe now you have like the wedding instagrammer and the guy takes little videos and sends them out to different people and maybe that's its own business that's pretty good i was appalled um really i just just by where society's going and and i i really wonder how people are going to socialize some some kids were great

they're having fun they're not really doing that and then other kids are just like um i'm tied to my phone this is so much better thank god i have my phone that i might actually have to have a conversation with somebody right and get the fuck out of here we're as a society we're doing something wrong these are not just kids they're adults these are seventh grade yeah adults too that drives me crazy when the final play of the game is although sometimes i'm like i go back and forth but watch it through your own eyes why are you recording this on your phone oh i don't get that one either yeah just tape the game but then then you'll see like a stefan digs angle like you didn't see it like the cameras are going well that's pretty cool i'm glad he did that um so yeah i know i mean i could have been on my phone you know what i was doing instead walking around Like the cameras that got going, well, that's pretty cool. I'm glad he did that. So yeah, I know.

I mean, I could have been on my phone. You know what I was doing instead? Walking around, talking to people and running into people like Mike O'Malley and talking for 20 minutes about how great Tom Brady is. That's the kind of conversations you can have. Right. Should have been on your phone.

Just be like, wow, can you believe this? We're two wins away again. How is this possible? Are you going? I wouldn't have had that conversation if I had my phone did but you later instagrammed a picture with him i didn't though i did instagram i followed my son during his fifth trip at the candy bar and actually just stood behind him and videotaped him

right and uh and it was like corn julio he's just out of control he really loves it uh fortunately there are no no fourth grade lasses to tempt him away from his current girlfriend oh that's right yeah he stayed loyal he stayed faithful didn't make any screw ups was he instagramming with her was he like texting with her during the no because i took his phone oh you took his phone yeah come on parents let's get let's get, parents. Let's get better. All right, take your kids' phones. Let's get better at this, parents. All right. I like that.

Birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, the whole thing. Then the other thing is my daughter turns 13 this spring and really wants to, she's really jealous of these bar mitzvahs. So she wants to have a not mitzvah that's basically like a party that's like a bar mitzvah, but doesn't have the religious overtones to it. She should. Yeah, she should want to do that because she wouldn't be paying for it. And I don't know. So now we have to throw you a party on the line of the bar mitzvah.

The whole point of the bar mitzvahs is they're a religious thing. Right. But how much have you dished out on bar mitzvah gifts? Like 20, 20 times 20 20 oh you think this is my way to get the gifts well at least get the parents to yeah get you some some that's interesting yeah this was like this bar mitzvah was at a place that held 400 people and there were tables and it was a football themed bar mitzvah and the tables had helmets on so i sat at the patriots table good which was great. They'd put me there.

I didn't, I was actually, they had assigned seating and O'Malley was at the Seahawks table and was mad that he wasn't at the Patriots table. I can imagine, yeah. But I was like,

but we beat the Seahawks. That's better. It's like you're holding the Seahawks helmet head up in the air. We own the Seahawks. Yeah. I've taken over their table. Yeah.

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And remember, always drink responsibly. Since we're here, the Ringer NBA show has expanded to five days a week, including draft class on Friday. If you're trying to get into the lottery because your team is tanking or threatening to tank, listen to draft class. Kevin O'Connor,

Jonathan Jarks, Danny Chow, they're breaking it down every week. They're going deep, deep, deep dive into the college basketball prospect scene.ca donchik i think that's how you say it he it looks like it's either him or uh ayton as the number one pick and if you love college basketball it also suggests one shining podcast which is heating up um california has allowed mark titus to come back they did that right tate we hope so that's what

they're saying right now they're allowing him to cross state lines we'll see how it goes has allowed Mark Titus to come back. They did that, right, Tate? We hope so. We hope so. That's what they're saying. Right now, they're allowing him to cross state lines. We'll see how it goes. He's coming back. Him and Tate are doing one shiny podcast. We are blowing it out over the last six weeks of the season. Conference championships, March Madness, the whole thing,

micropods, huge preview. This is going to be the year you win your madness pool because you listen to these guys. So check that out as well. Assuming, are there going to be any teams left for the actual tournament, Tate? I think Rhode Island might be a one seed when we're all said and done.

God. We think this stuff's overblown, right? Yeah, we do. Maybe. It's all grandstanding. We're taping this on a Monday. We might have to be cutting this out by Wednesday. Could be a lot of grandstanding.

Anyway, check out One Shining Pod. Check out Draft Class on the Ringer NBA show on Fridays. And don't forget about Bachelor Party with Julia Lippman because the season is wrapping up soon. Winter Games is kind of amazing. They got all these foreign contestants and it's added a different ringle. It's people who can barely speak English are hitting on each other. Julia's breaking that all down on Bachelor Party. Check that out.

All right, back to Parent Corner. Parent Corner, what do you have? All right, well, so along the same lines, here we go with Royal Rumble. So I did the same thing. We had a pool. It was me, my oldest son, Archie, and my middle son, Jack, who turns 10 next week. And we do this thing like 1 through 30. We split the 30.

Like Jack gets 1, 4, 7, 10, 13. I get 2, 5, 8, 11. Archie gets 3, 6, 9, all the way up to 30. You get it. So I've won the last two years in a row doing this. And I let them pick the number, the first number, like who wants one, who wants two. So I get two.

And as it turns out, I have four of the last five wrestlers remaining. And he had my son Jack, who is a very poor sport at this. He threw a fit last year. We have it on video, and I'm happy to submit it to Twitter or whatever. He threw a fit when he lost last year. He had Roman Reigns. I had Randy Orton. Randy Orton eliminates Roman Reigns, and I go crazy.

I go dancing around the house like it's the greatest thing I've ever done. And we played for $1 last year. So this year, because I want to play for like $500. These kids have a lot of gift cards to target and stuff. I want to take them all of it from them. But they only want to play for $1, so whatever. So this year we don't play for anything. Jack's not doing it unless we play for – there are no stakes.

I was like, fine. So now I'm just going to – if I win, I'm going to amp up the celebration like no one's ever seen. So, again, I have four wrestlers left. He has Roman Reigns left. All of a sudden it's one-on-one, Roman Reigns, and I can't even remember who won. Shinsuke.

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, Shinsuke Nakamura, yeah. Shinsuke defeats, throws Reigns over the top rope. I win, and I'm going crazy. I'm running circles around the house. I'm like, I did it again. I can't be beat at this. I will not be beat at this.

And Jack comes at me. He's been taking Taekwondo for about six months now and lunges and throws some kind of like weird forearm thing to my stomach. And he hits me. And for him, it's hard. But, you know, he's a little pissant. So it doesn't really affect me. But I go over.

I fall over in pain. I'm like, oh! And I start rolling. And my wife is beside herself. She thinks this little nine-year-old knocked me out, and she is so mad, and it took like the next two and a half hours to try to convince her that, A, it didn't hurt me, and B, it was fine. It was all in the spirit of it.

But she wants him to like, she thinks he needs help. He's using Taekwondo offensively, and that's not the point of this. He's supposed to use it in self-defense. So that's basically the story. I'm just trying to get him over. I want him to win once, and then that was it. I fell in a heap. I hate to pig-pile on this, but my son also attacked me during the Rumble last night.

You got attacked. I think there's something about wrestling. Hey, it turns out it makes kids more aggressive. Yeah, you make them watch it for four hours, you're going to pay the consequences, I think there's something about wrestling that, Hey, it turns out it makes kids more aggressive, but yeah, you make them watch it for four hours. You're going to pay the consequences. I was, I got John Cena.

We did it. We basically did. You get one, you get six, you get 11, you get 16 all the way through. So I had five, 10,

15, 20. Cena came out and my son was pissed that I got Cena and I started taunting him and And he came over and hit me with a really hard right on my left shoulder. Enough that I chased him around the house. I was like, I'm going to punch him back. It was like legitimate child abuse. And I was like, I'm chasing him all the way around like I'm Bruce Smith and he's Joe Montana. And I was so mad

at him. I really wanted to beat him up. Paracorder! What is paracorder? In 15 years, it's going to be like, yeah, they did kick our ass. We're going to be drooling over ourselves telling these stories. Every month, I have

one giant bruise on my body from my son. Right now, I have one month, one month of, every month I have one giant bruise on my body from my son. Right now, I have a huge bruise on my leg from when he kicked me like three weeks ago

when we were playing around. Somehow, it's like the dad who just takes all the punishment. Yeah. Don't let him take Taekwondo. We just get the crap

kicked out of us. I know. So, yesterday, first Lazy Sunday, non-football Sunday since August. And I don't know, there's an emotional void, right? What did we do? Yeah.

I watched the Miami Vice movie to prepare for the Rewatchables podcast Chris Ryan and I are going to do. And then around 2.30, I decided to figure out what the hell was underneath the tv because we have this giant like cabinet thing and the tv and there's just a million dvds there's like 11 years worth of stuff and i'm like i gotta go through there it's like every screener i got from the producers guild everything i'm like throwing everything out trying to figure out what to keep going through first of first of all, at this point, does it even make sense to have DVDs anymore?

No. Not really. So I kept like my 20 favorites. It's like Corolla was the first one I think who was on this way back when was like, it just, the physical exertion of getting up and putting a DVD in the in the dvd player and pressing play is almost like too taxing for all of us at this point we could just find the remote control so i saved my dvds the ones i cared about and i'm going through and there's just a

million weird dvds i don't really know what they are and some of them i know are from like uh i thought photo albums of my kids or something so i'm putting in and there's videos and my my wife has this um i say this with in the most affectionate way possible a crazy friend named shannon who videotapes everything and turns out we had some some dvds of just my kids when they were little that I didn't know existed that were just in this pile. Included in this DVDs were footage of our children playing together naked in a bed while they had diapers on. There was some massive sleepover where they were at some beach house. It was all the people from, I don't know if the listeners know this, but your son and my daughter are three weeks apart.

My daughter's older and have known each other since they were babies. And my wife made friends with all these people from the pre-preschool. And they had something and Archie and your wife came. And it was like this massive beach hang. And this was like the 3 o'clock nap. And she's videotaping all of these kids in bed together. And there are kids, probably age 2, in bed in our diapers, jumping up and down on the bed and being crazy.

It was emotional. Yeah. Parent corner, man. That's crazy. This is what happens without football, right? This is what happens without football. You're sifting through DVDs and I have all this footage of...

And then, so I brought my daughter down who, of course, now is 12 and a half and she's on Instagram all the time and has an attitude about just about everything. And I'm watching this little adorable kid on the TV with, you know, just full of hope in life and trying to get my daughter to get excited about it. She was enjoying some of it.

Then she got annoyed and she stormed out. And it was just like, that's what happens. That's what happens to parents. Yeah, they get mad that you videotaped them in diapers. Dad, I don't have a shirt on but yeah so yeah i have i have videos of our of uh of our kids now we gotta have to see that i'm gonna i'm gonna send it to you i'm not gonna put it on the internet because as we learned from tom brady this week uh it's too dangerous but yeah on the dvd either but here's my here's my parent corner

lesson yeah i was always one of those parents that thought eh i'll just take pictures i'm not going to be the annoying person who took video all the time i always hated the parents like that were just constantly taping their kids but then as your kids get older, you realize you wish you had more videos of your kids. So I would encourage people who have young kids. Well, now it's probably easier because people have the iPhone cameras and stuff like that. I would encourage people to take more videos. And you'll be surprised that when you get older that it definitely resonates more than you expect. Our friend Tony is a big proponent of this,

and I think he has footage, even if it's like two minutes of asking your kid what's going on from age two to his kids are in late teens now. He put it together, and he's like, it really is spectacular, just listening to them talk from age two, three, four, five on, and just a minute. All you need is a minute, and you'll be very satisfied. Yeah.

Let's do parent corner. I'll cheer you up. I'll start with mine, and Tate bore witness to it. My son Archie is 12 years old. I'm looking over my sheets going over the props how much i've lost i think it's about the second quarter he comes up to me and tatey's like hey dad i know why women like the eagles and uh i don't know what he's talking about i think he's talking about carola's wife and my mom and my wife i'm like oh why what are you talking about

why do women like the eagles like because like, because they have Fletcher Cox. His first dirty joke. I was like, oh, my God. All right. It's interesting. I don't think you need the word Fletcher in there. That doesn't do anything for it. But, wow, he's got this big smile with his braces shining and everything. I'm like, go tell Jimmy that joke.

And he tells Jimmy, and Jimmy's going to use it in the Oscars. Is he? Yeah. The Fletcher Cox yeah do you remember the first dirty joke you told i don't i really don't i actually do you remember yours good it was uh fourth grade and the joke was about uh mickey mouse and minnie mouse are getting divorced it was that joke you know that joke no mickey mouse and minnie mouse are getting divorced and they're having their trial,

and the lawyer's making this whole case. Minnie's crazy. You need a settlement. And Mickey calls the lawyer. He's like, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking goofy. I remember telling that joke in fourth grade to my dad's family. They were horrified.

Really? Yeah, they were horrified. I don't know if I made it up or I heard it at school, but... I love that. I had never heard that. Yeah. Good, good, good. All right.

Maybe Jimmy will tell that one, too. It was on ABC. It was a Disney property. My parent corner, I don't have a great one this week, but my daughter had yet another bar mitzvah on Saturday night my parent corner, I don't have a great one this week, but, uh, my daughter had yet another bar mitzvah on Saturday night and wore a cocktail dress. That was probably four inches too short. Oh no.

And no, no, no bra probably reason to have a bra at this point and goes out and she just, and I'm like, are you really not going to wear a bra? We start and goes out and she just and i'm like are you really not gonna wear a bra we start getting an argument about she's just doing dad dad and rolling her eyes and and again i saw the future flash in front of me that's a kind of like when you lean over people are gonna be able to see your little boobs and she's dad i'm like but i'm just telling you like

you're gonna dance like what happens if you drop? You're like, Dad! Is that a situation where if your wife isn't on board with you, you just have, you have no chance, right? Yeah, we're, I'm basically out of the loop now. Yeah. I'm like Malcolm Butler. I've been benched. I'm on the sidelines going, I don't understand. The true story's going to come out.

I played every possession. Why Bill was benched from the broad discussion. I played 98% of the Zoe possessions I don't understand what's happened yeah I'm just out and my wife's going no it's fine it's fine and I'm like I'm not sure it's fine because if you lean over you can

maybe see her nipples and she's 12 and a half no no it's fine she won't I'm just saying alright I'm out nipple gate at a bar mitzvah these bar mitzvah. These bar mitzvahs, man. Yeah. Just every week.

Unbelievable. Every week there's stuff going on. Thanks to ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. My listeners can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash BS. Don't forget about the Ringer MBA show, our daily podcast every Monday, every day Monday through Friday, and as well as NBA Desktop with Jason Concepcion, which is rapidly turning

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It does a great job. Anyway, NBA desktop. I'm coming back with a monster podcast on Friday. I don't even know who the guests are. I just know it's going to be awesome. I will see's within. On the wayside. I'm a bruised soul.

I never was. And I don't have to ever be.