The Bill Simmons Podcast - "Parent Corner" Special Edition With Cousin Sal (Ep. 291)
Episode Date: November 24, 2017HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal dish out potentially problematic parenting advice and share stories from their times as dads. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastch...oices.com/adchoices
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Today's special Thanksgiving weekend episode of the Bill Simmons Podcast and the Ringer
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that's where you can find my column every week it's shifting a little bit toward basketball
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all there, man. TheRinger.com slash videos. Coming up, we are going to Sal and I on the, on the Monday podcast
every week, we started ending it with something that we called parent corner.
And it's always buried at the end of the podcast. And I'm not positive. Everybody knows we're doing
it. I think they know it now, but I don't even know if they know how long we've been doing it,
but it started out with, uh, just us complaining about things that happened to us as parents.
And it became a recurring thing that we put at the tail end of every Monday podcast was out.
We thought it would be fun to cut all of them together and make them a special parent corner podcast because the parents deserve their own special content every once in a while.
So that's what we're going to do.
It's obviously an evergreen episode, but it's all the parent stories that we told over the last two and a half months on the BS Podcast.
Me, Cousin Sal.
Here we go. I'd like to end our Monday podcast
before we sign off
with our parent story of the week
what is it? I don't know I just think we should have our parent story of the week.
What is it?
I don't know.
I just think we should have a parent story of the week every week.
Parent?
Oh, our parent.
No, as parents.
I wasn't prepared for this. A story about our kids.
I know.
I'm going to do it this week, and next week you can do it.
Okay, good.
So my daughter had this teacher that she loved named Nick, who was in charge of the playground.
He babysat for us a couple times.
Crazy, over-the-top guy.
Lovable.
He's on Love Connection.
Really?
Goes on Love Connection.
Andy Cohen.
They brought back Love Connection.
And he's one of the three people
who are trying to get a date with this girl from Jersey.
It's actually a pretty entertaining show.
So we watch it last night.
Who hosts Love Connection, even? It's Andy Cohen. Oh, it is Andy Cohen show so we watch it last night who hosts love connection
even it's andy cohen oh it is andy cohen so we watch it last night and the three contestants
they start they're telling a little something about themselves and nick's like i'm a guy that
loves milfs oh that's his starter he's 27 i love milfs i used to work at this school and my favorite
part my favorite part of working there
was when the carpool line
when the moms would come in
right
I'm looking at Karen
like what the hell
you've texted with this guy
now I'm like suspicious of Nick
this guy's babysitting our kids
he loves MILFs
so then
so then it goes
it goes
he
the date's a disaster
and then she so my daughter's like's a disaster. And then she...
So my daughter's having a seizure watching this.
She just can't believe this.
So then the date's gone badly.
And the girl goes,
and then we're at dinner
and he starts talking about his penis
and how big it is.
Oh, come on.
My daughter's having a stroke.
Oh, what is that about?
Now we're like, what is that?
I'm like...
My wife thinks it's hilarious.
Is he a biology teacher? What does that about? What is that? I'm like, my wife thinks it's hilarious. Is he a biology teacher?
What does he teach?
I don't know what to tell you, Sal.
It was pretty, it was an emotionally scarring dad moment.
Love connection.
I have a similar, not as good story, but my son, my 12-year-old, his science teacher is
posting crazy pictures of herself on Instagram by the pool at Caesars.
And my wife dug him up
and now he's really embarrassed
by it because I don't know what he's doing
with these pictures, but he wants us, he needs
us to stop talking about it
immediately and it's all we want to talk
about.
We go head to head with this.
I don't know how it's going to end.
Parent Corner, do you want to go first?
Yeah, I'll go first.
Great.
People loved Parent Corner last week.
We don't have a sponsor for it yet, but they did like it.
Yeah.
I have a 12-year-old who's been playing fantasy football for three years.
He needed 5.2 points at a car last night, and he got got like 5.13 and he threw a fit and they did a weird thing
the raiders at the end of that game for anyone who needed six points at a car they didn't call
timeouts but they let car go in there for the last minute and when he dumped like passes over the
middle so my son is going nuts but he's not swearing because he knows i'll get mad and he's like oh but a sucky
jerk you sucky jerk he was like getting so mad and my wife is like what is going on down there
i was like our boy's becoming a man that's what's going on down there so i want to i want to hand
it to my son to approve of his temper tantrum last night fantasy football related he lost by
0.13 or something that That's a great one.
I don't have a good parent corner this week,
but I do want to give a shout out.
I went to Disneyland on Wednesday night because they have this Halloween thing
where they clear out the park at six o'clock.
You have to buy tickets and you go in
and you can basically, it's like a candy free-for-all.
Have you ever been there for this?
They have all these candy stops and your kids go and they go
and then they go back and they circle back.
So my kid has this giant, giant thing of candy, just giant.
It's like a whole grocery bag full of candy.
So then like three days later, my wife realizes that the candy,
she doesn't know where it is, and my son's candies she doesn't know where it is and my son's claiming
he doesn't know where it is he hid it in his wwe crate in his bed great and half of the candy
was gone no it was like a corn hula episode he was all right guys i'm gonna go to bed he was
just going to his room eating candy and uh i'm convinced that my son is going to take seven years to graduate college.
I think he's going to be awake for all of them.
He's just, he's so, he's so ahead of us on stuff already and he lies to us and he's up
to things and he's hiding things already. He's nine and a half. He's going to have like
a fridge in his room. And so, you know, I have...
That's a great ad for Disneyland.land that story it really is well my
daughter's like the most honest person ever at least right now and then my son is just
a flat-out liar like right to your face on anything did you eat that last pizza pizza no
no and then you know because his jaw starts quivering anyway this place on earth happiest
place on earth yeah so i learned this week on Parent Corner. Don't trust little boys.
Do your son hide stuff from you?
I think so.
I'll open that door and I'll get the iPad clutched to the chest pretty quickly.
How have you handled your son with going on the internet and looking at porn and stuff?
I don't know.
Because they can just go on their iPad and you don't know what the hell they're doing.
I know.
Do you put those parent protector things in there?
Can't they get around that somehow?
I don't even bother. I just hope that
he does the best thing. It's so easy to
find porn.
There should be like three steps
to be able to see anything.
In my head, he's just checking his
fantasy football lineup at two in the morning.
Naked.
Different sucky jerks.
That's right
Tate is back
let's end on that
the 50 minute shower start
I'm not looking forward to
if anyone has any
advice on how to handle this
because I'm lost with the 12-year-old boys.
Well, it could be worse.
You could have a 12-year-old girl.
Yeah, that's right.
But that's your wife.
That's all her.
She has to get out.
We go to the soccer game.
She had a soccer game on Saturday and forgot to wear a jogging bra.
Really?
So what happens?
You have to go to Kmart or something?
My wife had to come bring a jogging bra.
Nice.
And I'm just like, I'm out.
I don't want to be a part of this.
Not even sure she needed a jogging bra. Nice. And I'm just like, I'm out. I don't want to be a part of this. Not even sure she needed a jogging bra, but it's more like a state of mind at this point.
I'm a 12-year-old woman.
I need a jogging bra.
I feel stupid because I got you a jogging bra for your birthday.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
Appreciate that.
So weird.
There's a lot of seventh grade girl drama that I'm debating whether to bring up on Parent
Corner.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe like week four.
Okay, well, we're there.
I think my daughter might actually get legitimate
mad at me. We'll dub your voice
over. You know how they do that when they do it.
I'd have to use pseudonyms, but
seventh grade girl drama is unbelievable.
I love to hear it. You see all the seeds for
what's going to happen for the next 30 years of her
life with friends. And friends
just deciding they like somebody else that somebody else, all that stuff.
It's all there in seventh grade.
They're not stealing each other's Disney candy.
It's not that bad.
It's different.
I want to know what else is in my son's room.
Like we might actually have to go through and see what else is here.
That could be a whole other segment.
We might find like a relative in there.
We still don't have a sponsor for Parent Corner.
But it has become america's favorite segment if anyone who wants sponsored parent corner just make us an offer we'll do week-to-week sponsors
america loves it they do do you want to go first i guess it seems petty right now it seems like
champagne problems but you know my four-year-old has this ipad it's been handed down i know it's
already gross but Hand me down
an iPad. Yeah. So he gets mad at this one
baseball game. He doesn't realize
he's not a smart kid. He doesn't realize
when he's at bat or when he's pitching
in this baseball app. So when he's
pitching
and his opponent swings and
misses, he freaks out because he thinks
he's swinging and missing. So he throws
the iPad as a tantrum. It's everything I deserve deserve it's sounds like phil brovers it really is so now
this thing is splintered and these things the glass it breaks you know so we've replaced this
twice and it's not cheap to replace the glass on an ipad it's like 140 bucks if they do it right
a lot of times they don't you have to take it back now it's kind of a racket by the way yeah
there's like some it's always like shady guy at a mall who's like, yeah, $130 cash.
Yeah, it's a new termite tenting for kids.
That's it.
Like, yeah, you have termites.
That's it.
But anyway, so this is splintered up and now it's got, I need advice in this week's parent corner.
How bad does it have to get before I now replace it?
Because again, now it's broken and splintered.
We have like band-aids on the iPad.
It's crazy.
And like one day, like we thought he had ketchup on his fingers.
He thought he had ketchup on his fingers.
So I was like, let's wipe his hands after.
He's like, no, that's blood.
He's bleeding because he's swiping on a splintered up iPad.
So I need help as to when we need to replace this.
My advice would have been
you don't get to use the iPad if you're going to
throw it. Yeah, we tried that a little bit.
It's such a great babysitter.
You can't totally do away with it.
That's pretty good.
Send us advice at themailbagattheringer.com
Or band-aids.
More band-aids.
Less advice. Parent Corner for me this week saturday night we
go out to dinner come back we're gonna rent a movie as a fam watch a movie my my kids love
horror movies so leather face was available on direct tv nice which is the prequel of texas
chainsaw massacre but the modern version of the prequel.
So I'm like, oh, Leatherface.
Ben, my son, is all fired up for Leatherface because he loves horror movies.
And it's rated R.
It's a solid R.
Solid R.
So I'm about to go on the internet to make sure there's not sex in it or it's not bad.
Ben, my liar son, who's the last we covered last week,
he's just a flat out liar.
Just will lie right to your face.
Ben goes, no, I went on the website.
It's fine.
There's no sex in it.
Awesome.
I checked.
And normally I could tell when he's lying,
but he really didn't seem like he was lying.
So I'm like, all right, cool.
I'm excited for this movie.
I'm glad we can all watch it as a family.
It starts out with somebody gets hammered in the side.
Their whole head explodes.
There's a bad side there.
But it goes like about a half hour in,
and there's a sex scene where all the inmates are escaping this asylum,
and this girl gets excited with her crazy lover that she's with and goes down on him oh no in the thing so we're like covering their eyes
and my wife's like this is crazy we gotta stop watching stuff no no it's fine it was one second
it's not sex 10 minutes later there's like these two people just start going at it.
All of a sudden, it's like, I mean, it's like kind of graphic writing.
We're like, cover your eyes!
We're doing that whole thing.
I can't find the pause button because we had let the thing.
And it's like, there's like doggy style.
Oh, no.
Ben's pretending he's covering eyes, but he's not.
And we were just so mad.
My wife's mad at me.
I'm mad at Ben.
Right.
My daughter's like, why do you trust him?
He lies.
That's what he does.
He's just a liar.
My son's a liar.
I love it.
Were you watching with the teacher from two weeks ago?
That would have made it better.
Yeah.
I was waiting for Nick to be in the sex scene.
The PE teacher would have been the only way it would have been better.
Yeah, so the moral of the story is
don't watch Leatherface with your kids anyway,
but definitely don't watch it
if you think there's not going to be sex in it
because there is.
And my son's a liar.
He's a flat-out liar.
He lies.
I love it.
Well, I have a broken iPad for him if you want.
Maybe that'll even things out.
You want to go first with Panic Corner?
Yeah, I don't have a great one, but did you and Ben, did you guys watch Hell in a Cell last night?
He doesn't care about wrestling anymore.
What?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Now his new obsession is baseball cards.
Wow.
He watches people open baseball cards and uh wants
baseball cards for his birthday the funny thing is he barely watches baseball like the red sox had
this do or die playoff game and instead of watching the last three innings with me he was
on youtube watching people open baseball so that's what they did wow that's fun i have a friend but
he's almost 50 that does the same thing but just just watches Yeah. It's exciting.
Well, this leads into what I'm saying. The gist
of my thing is that I think
wrestling's in trouble because
last night Shane McMahon
went up against Kevin Owens.
I saw it. I did see this match.
He climbs to the top.
He's our age. Now he did that already. He is our
age. Exactly. That's my vision. He climbs to the top and we've seen him. Now, he did that already. He is our age. Exactly. That's my vision.
He climbs to the top, and we've seen him jump.
We saw from the first row him jump almost in our laps.
Frightening.
Spectacular.
Probably the most spectacular live thing we'll see, right?
Yeah.
With that close.
He does it again, and my kids, my 12-year-old, my 9-year-old, like,
that's just boring.
I was like, what?
Oh, my God.
What are these guys?
They have to jump from planes?
What has to happen?
So I feel my heart goes out to Vince McMahon and everyone in WWE
because I don't know what you need to do to keep these kids,
these smug punks, their attention.
It was inevitable.
It kept going up and up and up,
and it's like now the risk would be just somebody dying when they do it.
Right.
They can't go any higher.
No.
I also don't know why they had to use that Shane McMahon jumping off the cell card for this random October 8th pay-per-view that's going against football.
I was thinking the same thing.
It's like baseball playoffs and Curb and all these shows.
I watched the last 15 minutes of Wisdom in the Crowd yesterday with Piven.
Oh, do you like it?
Well, Piven, as you know, is my favorite celebrity.
You love him.
He's the only unselfish celebrity we have anymore.
Have you had him on the podcast?
Nothing would make me happier.
He's actually never heard of a podcast.
He doesn't know.
Just get him here.
He won't know he's on it.
He won't know.
But I didn't realize like pivin
it's it's a different side of pivin oh it is wisdom in the crowd yeah it's a more emotional
sensitive side he's trying to save lives though wow okay he's not like ari trying to whatever he's
interesting it's quite a show um you don't watch episodes did you i thought i thought
oh it's real good really good that. See, the series is over.
Are you in or out on Curb so far through two eps?
I thought about why I don't love it as much.
Like, I got excited for it coming back, and I'm like, four to six of these premises are
just ridiculous.
It just wouldn't happen.
It's a little like the wrestling.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Keep climbing higher and higher and higher
I think if Vince talks
with Larry David
they'll find a happy medium
the best idea they had
was having Ted Danson
date
Cheryl
that was very funny
my
my parent corner thing
my daughter has been
in a slime
oh yeah
for about
a year and a half
and it got to the point
where
my wife basically banned the slime.
Really?
It was like, I'm taking your phone unless you give up slime.
So tell them what slime is.
Because my cousin Jimmy did something with a bunch of kids who get millions of views on YouTube for making slime.
So slime is basically, it's like shaving cream with other creams.
And you put all this mix together and it becomes this this big mound of
stuff that you play with almost like play-doh it's like what play-doh is crossed with it's
slimier it's hard to make it's got to have the right consistency and for some reason
all these idiot fifth sixth and seventh graders are doing this all the time and then some girl
got burned like she put she put something that shouldn't have gone in
there and her hands got burned and all the all the parents that we know including us were like this
is great nobody will make slime anymore right no they didn't scare the kids more popular yeah so
now my daughter now it thinks she's like guy fieri with the slime and it's not just about the shaving
cream anymore it's about what else she can put in.
Stupid me, I didn't know she was making slime again.
I go to New York two weeks ago and I bring shaving cream with me that I just bought.
I bought this travel thing of shaving cream.
I'm like, this is great.
I love what it's got. I bring it to New York.
I go to shave and it's gone.
There's no shaving cream in it, but I didn't realize it.
At 12.45 at night, I have to walk outside and go to a pharmacy and go get shaving cream
because I had a meeting the next morning.
So I'm calling my daughter.
I'm yelling at her.
Last week, I go to put my contacts in.
My contact solution is almost gone.
Oh, come on.
I just bought it.
It's gone.
And I can't find it.
So I don't even know it's almost gone yet because it's not where I keep it. And I'm looking. And I can't find it. So I don't even know it's almost gone yet because it's not where I keep it.
And I'm looking around and I can't find it.
And I'm like, Zoe, did you take my...
She's like, oh, hold on.
I'll bring it back.
So she brings it back.
There's like no contact solution.
Wow.
My wife has this like $65 hand cream that she puts next to the sink.
And we notice it's just just there's none left because
you can see it it's in glass so we realize our daughter who doesn't lie but is this serial
stealer of ancillary bathroom items so she can make this fucking slime that she has a secret
instagram account with one of her friends and they just does slime for hours and they talk about it and they put it on Instagram. And I hate it so much.
I just hate it.
And now it's affecting my life.
Well, here's what you have to do.
You have to embrace it.
And you have to make your daughter become one of these people who are making $100,000 a month off of this dumb slime.
Is that what I should do?
Yeah, that's what you do.
I'm telling you, Jimmy did a thing with these people,
these kids, and they're set for life
because of this dumb slime.
It's just the camera's on the slime
and the process of making it and putting it together
and all this stuff, like you said,
contact solution, everything else,
and it's a big winner.
She likes it because I had shaving cream from the shaving cream I bought,
stuff other people have sent me.
So she's been secretly just sneaking into our bathroom
and stealing different things.
Nice.
And the fact that you're not blaming Ben right away is what a testament that is.
Ben is there if she needs somebody to laugh for her because he's a liar.
But I just can't believe this is where we are as parents.
Yeah.
My daughter's 12 and a half.
She's making, like, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Right.
It could be worse.
She could be dealing on the corner.
Yeah, it could be different substances.
Yeah, exactly.
At least it's slime.
Anyway, Gillette, best of man you got.
Send Bill some shaving cream.
What she was using was Gillette.
And speaking of Gillette.
So anyway, that's this week in Parent Corner.
All right.
Pretty good.
My son's a liar and my daughter steals items from us to make slime.
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BS. Now back to Parent Corner
with me and Cousin Sal.
All right, Sal. It's time for America's
favorite segment, Parent Corner.
All right.
A lot of people are trying to
sponsor this thing now. We've had
some really terrible offers for as
much as $250.
People
offering us free t-shirts. Really
not at the level we were looking for for the
Paracorner sponsor yet.
But we've gained some of that.
We at least have to cover our gambling losses with a sponsor,
right? It can't be
a $30 Metro card.
Yeah, we're pocketing under the
table. We're pocketing the Paracorner sponsor.
All right, Sal, what do you got this week?
Well, Halloween's coming up, and my boy, my nine-year-old, Jack, wants to be Finn Balor.
You know Finn Balor, the wrestler, right?
The problem is with these schools, they don't let you wear a costume to school that where it either a mask
covers your face or you have paint your face painted up. So he,
so they told him no.
And he's beside himself because his backup plan is Kane and Kane has a
giant mask. And so now this is a problem at our house. And like,
like I feel like going to the school, I don't know what to do about this,
but like the explanation I was given is,
it scares the younger kids if other kids are wearing masks, which is bullshit.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. And the other thing I heard,
which makes a little more sense,
but I'm not buying is that the teachers need to know who everyone is.
Now, I think, I think, you know, who everyone is by now.
You've had these kids for like, what is it? A month, month and a half now,
but the kid that's chewing on his boogers and then put them under his desk,
that's still Ian.
That's always going to be Ian, whether he's dressed as himself
or a cabbage patch doll.
So I don't know.
Now we have to dress him as a hobo,
and we have to go light on the charcoal on his face.
So I think they need to loosen up there.
That's been a school man.
Happy school district. Wow. Tough times. the charcoal on the face. So I think they need to loosen up there. That's been the school, Manhattan Beach School District.
Wow.
Tough times.
Very politically correct times these days.
Yeah, really.
My parent corner thing was,
was actually a little bit about Halloween as well.
My son,
who,
who has more muscle than I do right now at age,
he's almost,
he turns 10 in three weeks.
He's been playing flag football, and he's been playing football every day,
and he's in phenomenal shape.
And he actually does have, like, remember that little Hercules guy?
Remember that little mini Hercules guy that was on the Internet for a while
who had those crazy muscles?
Yeah.
He's not like that.
Yeah, yeah.
But he's definitely ripped.
Like, when he's walking around without a shirt, people are always like,
oh, my God, Ben, he's got a six pack.
So, Ben, Ben, I think I'm headed toward him maybe like being one of those guys who's in the gym a lot and working out and doing all that stuff.
Right.
For Halloween, he's going as Zac Efron from Baywatch.
Oh, that's good. And has convinced his other friend,
the other Ben, Ben Williams, to be the
rock. And I think
it was all a ruse because Ben just wants
to trick-or-treat with his shirt off. He's
becoming that guy.
So he's trick-or-treating
just in a bathing suit
to impress people.
So then, last weekend,
his school and my daughter's school,
they had this whole retreat thing.
So they all went to Santa Barbara for the weekend.
And a lot of the kids were there.
And everybody all day Saturday is playing football and doing all stuff.
My daughter said Ben's shirt was off from the moment they got there
and was shirtless the whole day, whatever the activity was. just didn't have a shirt because there were all these older girls.
He loves older girls and was just shirtless the entire time to the point that other people were like,
does Ben have a shirt? Does he need clothes?
And it's like, no, he's just shirtless. That's what he's doing.
So it's been a delight and he just really wants to break out the guns.
That's just how he rolls.
That's great.
He's Matthew McConaughey, like 2008, right?
Yeah, that's who he is.
Yeah, he's going to start walking around with those really soft satin pajama pants,
and that's it.
So if you're in L.A. and you're wondering who the 9 1⁄2-year-old
or almost 10-year-old is dressed as Zac Efron for some reason for Halloween, that's my son.
That's him.
Wow.
And he already, we should point out, he had a big flag football touchdown, right?
But full length of the field, didn't he?
He did.
He finally broke one.
And thank God he didn't do a touchdown.
We were very scared about the touchdown dance celebration because he's just,
he's, he's a profane child.
He kept his shirt on, which was good.
He might pull the shirt off at some point.
He already bragged to Adrian Peterson that he has more touchdowns than he does.
That's great.
Oh, no, we didn't do parent corner.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I forgot about parent corner.
I'm almost happy you were avoiding it.
No, let's do it.
Parent corner.
What did you do to Matt Leinart?
No, this is bad.
Like, this is like, we're turning the corner now.
We're going to be like a very honest, like, Howard Stern show, like everything goes.
And a lot of people are going to get mad at me for saying this.
But I spent 10, 11 days in Brooklyn.
When I come back, not to get too graphic,
but it's kind of like a freebie with the old lady.
You know, you're going to have a night together, right, when you come back.
Now you're turning purple here.
Paracorder.
Paracorder.
Well, no, it comes back to kids.
Miraculously, it's Saturday night.
The kids are all asleep by 10 o'clock, which, wow, the hell is this going to happen?
All right, so I'm not going to get into it too much. But about 10 minutes in, our 9-year-old comes knocking at the door.
He hears a noise.
He hears an animal, he thinks outside uh making a noise that when he uh when he
calls it back to us sounds a lot like uh my wife uh oh yes yes and uh and then asked uh
what we were doing in there because he walked in on us and i uh thinking quick said we were wrestling
and uh and then he wanted to know he wanted to know who
who won the race i was and i was the undertaker and i quickly smart good audible told my wife
that she was stone cold steve austin and good and he and he bought it so uh i think the moral
of the story is just to have wrestlers in mind when you have to explain your kids what's going
on when they walk in. Very bad.
That was incredible.
Yeah.
I don't even want to go now.
Yeah.
I'm like, how do I?
No, I know.
I don't even have a good one.
I should have made something else up, but it happened Saturday.
I don't even have a good one.
How do I not talk about this?
And yeah, it's embarrassing.
And I'll probably never get it again because of that.
Wow.
Do I even go?
An animal.
That was great.
Yeah, you have to go. This is this is like i mean it's so anti
it's fine now my my daughter um you know my daughter's 12 and a half and she's starting to
yeah look like a very attractive woman and she um she had we had to go to a memorial service
unfortunately but then we had she had a bar mitzvah that night,
and she had this dress that looked like a dress people would wear in college,
and necklace, and she's worried about her hair now.
Talk about the bar mitzvah run, though.
This was interesting.
We never discussed this.
There were 10 of them lined up, right?
But there's an Excel sheet.
My daughter's school has a lot of jewish kids and they wanted to make sure there was no people planning a bar mitzvah on the
same night or a bat mitzvah and there was an excel sheet that started to go out a year ago with people
claiming dates unbelievable so she's been to three so she goes to this bat mitzvah for a team of hers on a soccer team.
And they're there and she doesn't know what boys are there.
And she's like, oh, it's sixth grade boys, like derisively, like not cool enough to be the, you know, she only looks at seventh and eighth grade boys.
So right there, I want to kill myself.
And so she goes and we leave her for like three hours and at some point i'm like i'm gonna check
instagram i wonder if she did any videos oh no and it's just instagram stories of her and her
friends all dancing it's like watching it's like watching drunk people doing things but nobody's
drunk they're just dumbass 12 year olds dancing and screaming and talking
and then at one point she was alive for four minutes and i just saw the future and i really
got scared because it was just one of those like here i am i'm doing stuff i'm with my friends
we're having a great time and i was just like is this the next 30 years of my life 20 years
where i'm just i'm kind of my daughter years of my life 20 years where I'm just
I'm kind of my daughter's not telling me stuff and then I'm picking up bits and
pieces on social media you can't say no to any of it right can't really say no
just got at some point kind of kind of let the bird out of cage right it follow
yeah you can't how do you unfollow You want to know what's going on. Wait till she starts wrestling.
It's going to be really bad.
Parents' Corner.
You want to go first?
Yeah, I'll go first.
You have a good one.
I can tell.
You're brewing over there.
No, I mean, it's not as good.
You set the bar last week, but it's okay.
Well, this is not even, you know, our friend Brad?
Yeah.
We did a podcast with him.
It was my most listened to podcast by a mile.
He's a maniac.
Yeah.
He went to...
When are we doing another one with Brad?
We need to do another one.
Yeah.
Before he expires.
He went to the Navy to avoid a gambling debt.
He was in the Navy for three years.
Yeah.
And he's a little jittery.
Yeah.
We've gone to SummerSlam.
A little jittery. We've gone to SummerSlam and you've seen the fireworks go off and he's just flying out of
the jump out of it literally jumped out of his seat right yeah so we're watching football uh
yesterday and uh or with corollas and archie my son is with the corolla kids and they have these
snaps and you know these snaps you throw the snap and it just makes that yeah and they have these snaps. And you know these snaps, you throw the snap, and it just makes that, yeah.
And they, by accident, set one off,
and Brad jumps, and he's like,
that is not funny!
So that's it.
So now for the next four and a half hours,
it just snaps.
Every eight minutes when he stops,
he's not looking, they throw it,
and he's like, and it's hysterical, and it's funnier every time the next time.
But then he's like,
then he starts talking about the war and everything, and he so i'm like ah now this is like a shitty like he
never heard guns go off but he did like these aircraft carriers come in and it would like
it would like blow him away so it's ptsd-ish so i have to explain to uh my son that it's not right
and what brad's been through in his life i blame the war war on drugs also, not just the other wars. A lot of wars.
A lot of wars have affected Brad.
In his head.
So I explained to him
and yeah, they just did
three or four more and that was it.
That was it. That's my parents going,
so talk to your kids about PTSD
because they might not be on board
with it. Wow. Poor Brad.
Yeah.
When are we doing another pod with him?
I need to hear his Ray Donovan thoughts.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not watching that.
Does Brad watch Stranger Things?
I don't know if he does.
He knocks something out in it.
Oh, did you watch this American Vandal?
No.
I guess this only matters for people who watched it,
but our friend Daniel loved the show
and then didn't realize it was scripted.
He didn't realize it was a documentary?
And Brad went crazy when he heard this.
He went crazy.
Doesn't know how anyone can work in television.
Maybe it's worth it just to have that.
He went bananas.
My parents corner.
You know I like to push the envelope with movies with my children.
Yeah, that's why I was... I figured like you can't hide stuff from them because it's only going
to make them want it more later right and i like my kids to have a sense of humor so friday night
uh we ran a girl's trip not my son wasn't there he was okay it was just me my my uh
my wife and my daughter and uh and i knew about
the p scene there's a zipline p scene when uh jada pinkett yeah whose face does not move during
the entire movie just for the record like a lot of uh i don't know what's going on with her but
her face does not move interesting but uh does the z and she pees all over. It's the hardest my daughter has ever laughed in a movie.
Just dying laughing.
So I knew about that.
I knew it was a little raunchy.
There's a scene when Tiffany Haddish,
who you've had on her show, who's hilarious,
who's almost like the female Tracy Morgan.
Right.
They're all at a table and she starts talking about giving blowjobs.
Jesus.
Using a watermelon.
And she takes this watermelon slice and a banana
and puts the banana through the watermelon,
and she's like, you got to get all slurpy.
And she starts blowing the banana with the watermelon.
She told the story on our show.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ. I'm
grabbing the remote. I'm already uncomfortable.
I'm trying to grab the remote,
but the dog had knocked it over,
and my wife's yelling at me
like I knew this was happening, and my daughter's
laughing, but doesn't...
We're not positive she understood what was going on,
but I think she did, or she might have been playing dumb,
and I didn't get the remote in time,
and we all got to watch Tiffany Haddishdish give a blow job with the watermelon and uh and i i just
you just kind of move on it's like a trauma you just move on you pretend it didn't happen
tell me if you think this is what happens i think sunday night after all the games are done
simmons is setting up this podcast trying to figure out if a game's in london or not
this is too confusing what do i have for parent he's like oh shit i have nothing for parent corner
let's rent boogie nights like i really think you're you asked for trouble with these things
she just for the record she said it was her favorite movie of all time
she's never loved the movie more wow she's
i actually obviously i've known her her whole life i've never seen her laugh harder than the
zipline thing like she was like keeled over just done yeah and that's when you turn the i don't
know i think you know take away take away the banana watermelon blowjob scene and it might not
have been that bad i mean there's some other completely inappropriate things. That's your movie review.
Take away the metaphor.
I was on a text thread on Saturday with Fantasy and Wesley Morris
and Amanda Dobbins and Juliet about it, whether it was the right move.
And Amanda and Juliet made the case.
It's a movie about female bonding and friendship
and there are important lessons to be made and they were okay with it.
She definitely knew what was going on there.
She was sparing your feelings and she was trying not to kill you by like-
It's so over the top.
It's like I can't even describe how over the top it is.
I'm sure a lot of people have seen Girl Ship.
Oh, man.
Anyway.
Good job.
Yeah.
That's nice.
So that's that edition of Parents' Corner.
One more break to talk about Husky Tools.
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All right.
Back to Parent Corner with me and Sal.
It's time.
Parent Corner.
I'll go first.
America's favorite segment.
Yours is going to be much better.
Okay.
I also think, I'm not sure we should do this every week.
Why?
Because I don't think we're, we're not with our kids enough to have one good, two good stories.
Oh, I have one every week.
I have a good one this week.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, so for Halloween, my kid kid i told the whole story about how
you're not allowed to cover your face with paint and you can't wear a mask because the it'll freak
out the other kids and the teachers don't want it they want to know who's creating mischief and
they want to be able to identify kids so we went through costumes and my my boy jack my nine-year-old
wants to be a wrestler yeah and there's not too. Yeah. And there's not too many come October.
There's not too many in his size left.
He goes with Stone Cold Steve Austin.
And my wife's against it.
She's so against it.
She's like, no one's going to get this.
This is stupid.
And the more she doesn't want it, the more he wants it.
Yeah.
So I was like, let's just go with it.
Let's see what happens.
He's already a quirky kid.
Everyone thinks he's weird, mostly because he's my son.
But so we're going with Stone Cold Steve Austin.
He shows up.
None of the kids recognize him.
He's got, for the bald head, he's got that little, like, that yellow.
It looks like he's wearing a condom over his head.
It's not even sitting tight.
Is it Dr. Evil?
Yeah, it's kind of loose.
It's really weird.
He looks like a middle-aged redneck.
He's got the leather vest, all stone-cold out, the shoes and everything.
And he gets there, and the kids are just ignoring him.
And then there's the gym teacher who's got a microphone.
He's like, oh, there's some princesses.
There's some, you know, they're announcing all the costumes.
And he sees Jack, and he gets all excited.
And he yells in the microphone.
He says, and that's the bottom line.
And then sticks the mic out.
He's like, because Stone Cold said so.
And the place, it doesn't erupt.
But Jack is excited.
And that made it.
That was a good move.
Jack wins.
He wins.
Everyone else went on thinking it was weird the rest of the day.
But the gym teacher thought it was good.
Yeah, well, Melissa learned her lesson.
I hope so.
Once and for all.
That's a good one.
We had Halloween, and my son went as, this isn't my parent corner story, but my son went
as Zac Efron from Baywatch because he wanted to be shirtless and trick or treat.
Because my daughter had friends, and he's already in that mode.
It's hilarious.
He's trying to impress your daughter's friends?
He's trying to impress women who are older than him and the same age.
That's awesome.
And was just shirtless for six hours.
Yeah.
But that wasn't my parent corner.
He had a doctor checkup on Thursday.
You know, the annual checkup where they measure you they make
sure you're whenever they might check parts of your body right and uh so he was excited because
he's he's been growing and he's like he's now on pace to be six feet tall which is this is a doctor
that supplies his steroids no no that's another doctor that's dr george saharian right remember for the ww days so at some point he's
like ben you know we got to talk about um let's talk about your penis and um you know who's allowed
to see your penis this is the the doctors always say this to little kids like who's allowed to see
your penis like i'm allowed to see it right your mom's allowed to see your penis? Like, I'm allowed to see it, right? Your mom's allowed to see it. Like, just getting, parent court is getting dark.
Yeah.
Your mom's allowed to see it and your dad and nobody else, right?
And Ben's like, nobody else.
Like, he's locked in.
So he's like, all right, let's go check.
Let's go check, make sure everything's all right.
Can you take off your pants?
And I'm going to go.
So Ben pulls his pants down.
He's got no underwear on.
He's just naked from the waist down.
The doctor's like, oh, okay.
And did one of those.
Like, Ben, my son doesn't wear underwear.
Not even to the doctor.
Really?
And my wife was mortified.
And that's my parent.
Did she know he doesn't wear underwear to the doctor?
No, she assumed he was going to wear underwear at the doctor.
Oh, but she knows he doesn't wear it. He usually doesn't. But if we thought for the doctor she assumed he was going to wear underwear at the doctor. Oh, but she knows he doesn't wear it.
He usually doesn't, but if we thought for the
doctor, maybe he was going to wear underwear.
Clothes himself up. No, he's like, here's one
of the two people allowed to see my
Johnson there. I'm going to show it.
The moral of the story is everybody's going to
see my son's Johnson unless he starts wearing
underwear. Exactly.
That's very Zac Efron of him.
I just wanted to get a penis to wear. You got it.
You did it, buddy. I got another email from Jackson in Los Angeles who said,
are you prepared for when your son Ben grows up to be exactly like Nick, the PE teacher
from the first parent corner? Are you prepared? I'm not prepared. How do we prepare you for that?
I don't know. More time with Nick.
Yeah.
Yeah, get to know Nick.
What's your parent corner to say?
Are we ready for your parent corner?
America's favorite segment that still doesn't have a sponsor.
I was in Vegas this weekend.
Oh, yeah.
You went to explain that story.
Yeah.
You ended up in Vegas with the family.
I was in Vegas.
I had non-refundable plane tickets.
Only I do this.
So I was like, you know what?
I'd sooner put homeless people on that flight than, than eat, eat the cost. And, uh, and the homeless people actually lived in my home. I took the family to Vegas and, uh, we went, and by the
way, lots, lots of Raider stuff, lots of golden night stuff too. Uh, they love that hockey team,
but if that Raiders deal falls through, that city's not ready for that.
And it could happen.
But anyway, so my first gambling experience, I think, was flipping baseball cards when I was five.
Yeah, you were obsessed with it. I loved it.
And then nothing else kicked in until I was like 11 or 12.
I went to visit my cousin Jimmy, 50 years old today, in Las Vegas.
And my Aunt Chippy also lives in Las Vegas.
She plays video poker nonstop at bowling alleys and casinos and everything.
Is she still smoking?
Still smoking.
Not as much.
Not as much.
That's good to hear.
But still smokes a little.
But back in the day, she would smoke.
And I would stand.
I think I was supposed to stand like 20 feet behind her.
And I would tell her.
I'd give her $20.
I'm like like keep the queens
yeah drop the eight you know i would instruct her and i i want and that's it that's that's how i got
my it's like the beginning of a brock's tale too like a vagus tale yeah right so i take the whole
family we visit aunt chippy she lives in the same house yeah i should mention when she turned 70
like six years ago jimmy and i she was losing so much money, we bought her a video poker machine.
We figured maybe it's just a thing with an OCD thing. She needs to play. She doesn't need to
actually win money. We were woefully mistaken. She needs to lose money. We had $100 and quarters.
It didn't matter. She needs to go out and play and smoke and lose and maybe get a comp to the
crappy buffet she's going to.
Anyway, that video poker machine is still there.
My 12-year-old goes in there.
I hear it lighting up, and he's learning how to play.
And he's in there for an hour and a half.
I guess this is better than Call of Duty or any Madden game.
He is hooked now.
He got a full house, the fourth hand in.
Boom.
So now he's going to play video poker, the saddest game to play in a casino.
Exactly.
I was always worried that I would convince him to gamble, but I'm going to blame this
one on Aunt Chippy again.
She turned another family member.
How did you gamble in Vegas?
What do you mean?
With the fam.
Did you sneak off?
I had him 12.
Is this why trash to have the 12-year-old watch everybody in the room while you and
the wife go gambling?
Well, that's what you did?
Yeah. You can do that with their 12. That's what I did. Our kids are 12 and a half now. We stayed in the room while you and the wife go gambling well that's what you did yeah you can do that with their 12 that's what i think our kids are 12 and a half we stayed in the casino we didn't go anywhere and we so you kept the kids in the room right
your son was in charge and you and your wife when you play protective services
why i think that's totally think about okay good 30 years ago we were on our own
every day all day yeah he might be 12 he He might be 9 1⁄2, 10.
I don't know how old he is.
He's fine.
Just lock the door.
No, he's 12.
So you went and gambled.
Did you win?
I think I won for the first time in seven trips to Vegas.
It's really hard to win with the wife.
Playing blackjack, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
In general, a Vegas trip with the family is a D compared to with your friends, right?
I love everybody
but come on it does feel it does feel like uh you want to go to vegas with like jacoby yeah right
yeah he wasn't there
my parent corner is uh
my daughter is 12 and a half now and wants to go off with her friends and,
you know, needs money to, I'm gonna go to the mall. Can I get $20?
So that's all starting.
And I did notice that there was money missing from my wallet.
So I'm not blaming her, not blaming, not blaming my daughter,
but it's just suspicious. But my wife got tickets for Hamilton on Saturday,
which it was like an American Express deal,
so she just grabbed them.
And it was two tickets, and my daughter and my son,
we dropped them off, and they went to Hamilton as a date.
Really?
Gave them, they really wanted to buy T-shirts or something,
so gave them, plus and okay so my wife gave
them like 120 dollars oh wow everyone's gonna hate you after this well no she figured she
figured just to be safe like to get food but but you know save the rest and give it back to me
they come back great time there's 60 dollars left they have no merchandise oh there's 70 dollars just missing
trying to figure it out my wife's really mad um can't figure out what happened to the 70 dollars
there was some sort of uh some homeless thing where they were collecting money for charity
and my daughter claimed she gave that five5 cause it was the Hamilton stars were
posting out after still didn't explain the missing 65.
Right.
And we have no idea what happened.
So now we head to this whole,
anytime we give the kids any money,
now there's like all these set of rules and they have to do chores and like,
this is it.
My wife was so mad.
I've never seen her so mad. You would have thought they lost and like this is it my wife was so mad i've never seen her
so mad you would have thought they lost like 25 000 she's like i just don't understand what
happened you left with one third 120 and now you have 60 what happened you have no t-shirts
she was just so mad at my my daughter and i was just like just a window of the next five years
of my life and them yelling at each other maybe Maybe she met the bears and was embarrassed to say so.
And then last night they were going to dinner.
I was going to dinner with you for Jimmy's birthday.
And they decided to go to dinner to the little country club.
And you can't wear jeans in the country club.
So my daughter comes down with these ripped jeans.
And she's checking herself in the mirror for 10 minutes minutes and she's just entered this whole stage that we just
detest and my wife got so mad that she was wearing the jeans that she was just berating her on the
stairs wow this is it i don't like the person you're turning into it was like that kind of
stuff i'm like i'll see you guys later i'm gonna be late for this jimmy dinner i'm just like
hightailed hightailed the hell out of here so when this is called parent corner it's because you're
in a corner parenting is going done i'm in a corner pouring gasoline on myself
as my wife's parading my daughter oh man yeah my it's just it's all happening remember the scene
that bring him back to vegas and casino where uh denaro sits sharon stone down because she
she went on a binge with her boyfriend.
It's like, all right, we're going to figure out where this money went.
All right, you bought him a watch.
What could that be?
Two grand?
Three grand?
Where's the rest?
What's the other 22 grand?
I'm not doing this right now.
You gave $5 to the charity.
Okay, there's 55 unaccounted for.
Maybe I know he's got a watch.
I know what kind of watch he gets.
He's not getting anything special.
Yeah, that's it. I know he's got to watch. I know what kind of watch he gets. He's not getting anything special. Yeah.
So today, my kids don't have school today because the school they go to likes to have these parent-teacher conferences for like four days where nothing happens.
And they could have just sent us an email.
It would have been the same thing.
And my daughter wanted to go to the mall with her friend.
And my wife was just like, no way.
Yeah.
No way.
You're not going to the mall.
I'm not giving you money.
Get a job.
She said job.
She said bill a check.
What do you babysit?
How about that?
It's rough, man.
These parent-teacher conferences cost you like $450 a day.
Just send us an email.
Do we have to drive in and nobody has school?
Like we're paying for school.
I love it.
Have school.
Anyway, that's it for this week's Parent Corner.
That was pretty good.
If anyone knows what happened to the $55.
You know what?
Maybe you could put the tracker on the $55.
Can they do that on the tracker?
I'm sure it does everything.
Pixels on each $20 bill.
Time for Parent Corner, America's favorite segment.
Still not sponsored.
No sponsor for Parent Corner somehow.
You want to go first?
Yeah, I can go first.
You haven't done this in a while because you were smart.
You had a couple kids, and then you were done.
And I had a couple kids around the same time as you,
really within like a month of each other, I think, both kids.
And then one slid past the goalie, and now I have a three-year-old. I actually think
the goalie was pulled. I don't even think of a foot passing, but anyway, you have to go to these,
do you remember these thankful for daddy things? Like donuts for daddy kind of thing in the kids.
So you go to their preschool class and you sit on these very, these tiny, tiny chairs and somehow
they, my big fat ass fit in this
chair and it and it holds you and all the fathers are there and they're you know you're about to
have stale donuts and then your kid presents you with like basically a um a mad libs thing about
how he feels about you and it says like my daddy his name is sal he is 69 years old. He thinks I'm 69 years old.
Yeah.
I feel like it, but I'm not 69.
He is as big as a train set.
Now, what kind of response is ideal for that?
He is as big as a – you would never do that for mommy, right?
But anyway, I'm as big as a train set.
Right, right.
Okay.
His hair is black and his eyes are green.
Wrong.
Wrong.
His favorite food is mac and cheese.
Wrong.
He likes to play trains, again, with the trains for fun.
Wrong.
Never touched a train.
My favorite thing to do with him is make colors.
What does that even mean?
I'm going to have to pull him from the school.
I make colors.
And if I could give him anything, it would be a train.
And I love him because I love him.
I love him because I love him. No reason. He's dad. I have to love a train and i love him because i love him i love him because i love
him no reason he's dead i have to love him so i love him but uh so i showed this to my wife and
i was like this is crazy he's like uh one for 15 and he's mad libs he's like well you're not
spending enough time with him so the moral of the story the moral of the story is if they ask you to
go to one of these uh donuts for daddy's thing, just run as fast and as far as you can.
I like how it got flipped on you.
That was unbelievable.
I know.
It's like, this is awful.
I'm as big as a train set.
Give me a break with these freaking trains.
Unbelievable.
I think you and the Falcons are the number one candidates for Hotel Tonight this week.
I'm going.
I'll take it.
My parent corner is this weekend was my friend Ness's 50th birthday party.
He lives in Santa Ness.
So my wife and I went down there for the whole weekend.
And we left our kids with our friends Anthony and Gabby, who we've known forever, who sometimes they'll stay over and whatever.
So they're in charge of the kids.
Normally, when you leave your kids, you know, at least when they're younger, it's devastating for them, right?
It's the worst thing that's ever happened when you're coming back.
And then you come home and they're running.
And it's like a Hallmark commercial when you come home.
They're so excited to see you.
Oh my God.
You got to call them eight times when you're gone,
check in, like they're worried about them
because their mom and dad aren't there.
Oh no, those days are over.
Gone for two days.
Texting my daughter, doesn't text back.
FaceTimed a couple times times couldn't be less interested
one time facetimed my son he he was playing video games gave me the what do you want
that was a good good starter good to hear that from uh from my flesh and blood who's going to
be in charge of my demise someday when i'm dying um they they had the best time ever.
All they did was they did whatever they want.
God knows what they ate.
They went to Daddy's Home 2,
which they thought was fantastic.
They just thought it was really terrific.
Great movie.
Might be the second time my son has seen Daddy's Home 2.
He's seen it twice in a week.
That's really replaced the Adam Sandler grown-up not a trilogy i guess those one and
grown-ups one and two daddy's home one and two is now in there i don't know if you've seen daddy's
home one but um it's atrocious and uh daddy's home two is by all counts way way way worse
and has mel gibson in it kids loved it uh they convinced them to go get there's this there's this um
like korean ice cream place they had these bubbles i can't i can't remember what they're
called they're they're like these bubbles powder bubbles that shoot out it's like ice cream
frozen ice cream basically they went there so they watched me God knows how late they stayed up. Who knows? And then we came home yesterday and one of them didn't get off the couch.
And then the other one gave that kind of the half-hearted hug and went away.
And that was it. It just seems like, you know, when it ends, it ends.
Yeah. Well, listen, as a man of 69 years old, I could tell,
and as big as a train set, I could tell you these kids are better off without us.
I think that's all you need to know.
I don't think you're wrong.
But yeah, it's a little bit of an ego blow.
And then they feel bad after and they do the token, how was your weekend?
But you know they don't care.
Right, right, right.
And really, my kids would have been so much more upset if Logan Paul said, I'm taking down my YouTube videos for two days.
Their whole world would have collapsed.
But me going away for two days, they don't care.
Not to mention I was gone earlier in the week for four days.
Yeah.
They take us for granted, Sal.
I know.
I know.
Maybe they, you know, that's why they're at the kids table at Thanksgiving.
Maybe you have to move them further away.
Is there, yeah, they probably don't even care they're at their kids' table.
Yeah, you're eating in the garage this year.
Yeah.
Okay, that's it for Parent Corner.
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four day,
five day,
four and a half day holiday weekend.
Until then. On the wayside, never on the side I don't have feelings within
On the wayside, never on the side
I don't have feelings within