The Bill Simmons Podcast - Reliving the 2018 Oscars With Jimmy Kimmel and Cousin Sal (Ep. 335)

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

HBO and The Ringer's Bill Simmons is joined by Jimmy Kimmel and Cousin Sal to discuss Bill's reason for missing Jimmy's post-Oscars party (6:00), the odds on Jimmy's monologue jokes (12:00), President... Donald Trump's tweet about ratings (22:00), Jimmy's growing profile in the political space (32:00), Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty's return (43:00), a special edition of "Parent Corner" (50:00), the Mount Rushmore of late-night guests (55:00), and what's next for Jimmy (1:05:00). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Today's episode of the Bill Simmons Podcast on the Ringer Podcast Network brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Best picture, best actress, best screenplay, best job site. It's too bad there aren't award shows for hiring because if there were, ZipRecruiter would sweep all the categories, including the Lifetime Achievement Award for revolutionizing hiring. 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. They're powerful technology distributes your job to dozens and dozens of the
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Starting point is 00:02:37 And if you missed the BS podcast yesterday with Charlie Warzel from BuzzFeed, we basically talked about the end of civilization and all the stuff that's happening on the internet and tech culture and conspiracy theories and just how dark everything's getting. Getting some really good feedback on that one. It's not a sports podcast,
Starting point is 00:02:56 but if you're a smart person, I think you'll like this one. It goes in a lot of directions and it's really good. Coming up, earlier this morning, went to Jimmy Kimmel's office. My old boss, my longtime friend, he hosted the Oscars on Sunday night. Cousin Sal was there as well. And the three of us just hung out and talked about Sunday night.
Starting point is 00:03:15 And it's coming up right now. But first, Pearl Jam. All right, we're taping this on a Tuesday morning in Jimmy Kimmel's office. This is becoming a tradition. Yeah, it is. I guess at the second time, is it a tradition or just a repeat? It's a repeat. Cous. This is becoming a tradition. Yeah, it is. I guess at the second time, is it a tradition or just a repeat? It's a repeat. Cousin Sal is here as well.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Last year we did this and it was the biggest fiasco in the history of award shows. This year was a little more mundane. Yeah, thank God. Is that a good thing? I think so, yeah. You know, it was fun to have that fiasco,
Starting point is 00:04:04 but to have two fiascos, at that point you think like, okay, well, there's something. It's like what's going on in Washington right now. You know when Sal wins his giant parlay in all the categories, that it was that the Oscars went chalk? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:18 What did you do, Sal? This year, the biggest fiasco is you pronouncing the word fiasco. Fiasco? Fiasco. I think he's going to get drafted. I bet probably he's technically correct if you really look at it. Fiasco.
Starting point is 00:04:31 What was your parlay, Sal? The Fiascos. How did no one do that? I don't know. We're too late. Late again. Next year. I parlayed all the big favorites, so I stayed away from best picture.
Starting point is 00:04:42 And it was a trend. All the big favorites minus 500 or higher were 29 and 0 in the last 10 years wow like i'm putting them together again so now it's 34 now 34 now so how many different categories did you have in this part so it was the two it was the two uh actors it was the two actresses mcdermott and oldman best in supporting uh director and i added coco just for good measure so you had to get all six to win you went six and oh yeah that was it nice now amazing this one wasn't as uh fortunate you guys last time get out the get out ads dropped to what plus it was like seven to two by you got a 20 to one and then you were going to do it again
Starting point is 00:05:21 and we had a text exchange about it yeah jimmy talked here's the thing oh you didn't do it i didn't do it you didn't do it a second time you were adamant that shape of water were going to do it again and we had a text exchange about it. Yeah, Jimmy talked me out of it. Here's the thing. Oh, you didn't do it. I didn't do it. You talked me out of it. You didn't do it a second time. You were adamant that Shape of Water was going to win and I don't know who you talked to. Horror movies don't win. It's just maybe you go back to The Exorcist.
Starting point is 00:05:35 They just don't win. But I will say this. I will reveal this. Sal was very on edge all night. Not about my performance. Not about anything other than he wanted to make sure get out didn't win best picture because he didn't want to hear it from you i would have bragged about it i was like what are we gonna do and jimmy's like oh i'll just pull up 30 emails from
Starting point is 00:05:55 the past about other things that he's been wrong about i just pull up the clippers record and that'll be that i thought when he won first screenplay i was like this is is great. And then Shape of Water wasn't winning the technicals. I was like, this is good. It worked out perfectly because I did want to see him win something, but we also didn't want to hear you forever. We would have bragged about it for a long time. Listen, it was yet another loss for me. A year full of them.
Starting point is 00:06:17 I want to know if it came in second, though. Why don't they release that? It's just another MVP award. Have you asked? You're in on the Oscars, Jimmy. Why don't you ask these people? Why don't they release release the votes even the people who run the academy don't know who finished who decided that this is the people at pricewaterhousecoopers they know everything but why don't they tell us the votes so precious it would be amazing i guess it would be disheartening
Starting point is 00:06:39 to the people who come in last maybe right i mean but the olympics do it everybody does do it all mvp when they did they picked the nba all-star game the captains picked the teams they were like we're not gonna release the votes and they came out and it came out who was the last pick oh yeah wouldn't it be funny if if like there was one movie or person or captain that no one voted for yeah like a zero it was probably the post who voted for that thing uh like a zero. It was probably The Post. The Post. Who voted for that thing? Yeah, it was weird. It was definitely, you know, Shape of Water. I wasn't a huge fan.
Starting point is 00:07:13 It was... Oh, you didn't like that movie? I respected it. I don't... I'll never watch it again. I might watch it again. I was thinking about this the other night. Under the influence of something or just...
Starting point is 00:07:23 Well, potentially. But I liked it. I've watched get out like 10 times it's on hbo all the time and i just get sucked in i had to watch get out in the middle of the day with all the blinds up because i really i get scared at horror movies like they stay with me for a while so and and it turned out that that's not one that would really upset me because it was more of a thriller than a than a horror movie but it I was worried about it so I watched it in the daytime well so that's why I didn't come to your Oscar party I've been saving the story for this podcast what is this you watch get out again no so you your party started like 10 30 and my wife was in Boston 10 and I had I had the kids. Well, but 10.30 is. Right. So I had the kids and my plan was to leave the house at like 10.30
Starting point is 00:08:10 and my daughter is almost 13. Like they'll be fine. Right. Just I'll put the alarm on. You'll be good. And we watched this movie on Netflix on Friday night called Veronica, which is this Spanish horror movie. It's basically like The Conjuring in Spanish.
Starting point is 00:08:24 And it's petrifying. And my kids slept in the same bed Friday night and Saturday night. They were freaked out by it. I was like, oh, this is bad. Why are you watching Spanish horror movies with your children? Because my kids love horror movies. I know. And also, I'm a bad parent.
Starting point is 00:08:36 So on Sunday. You're raising children who are going to go to conventions in Burbank. I know. They're going to be terrified. They're going to be collecting Fangoria magazine and they're going to have little dolls of creatures from Black Lagoons, etc. all over their shelves. That's the plan.
Starting point is 00:08:51 So Sunday, I was like, alright, so you guys are going to be good today? And I could just tell my daughter, you've been there. Your daughter's grown up and you have another one. My daughter's right between your two daughters. My children never exhibited any fear of any kind but you know when they're 12, 13
Starting point is 00:09:06 and you just know I knew I couldn't go this is one of the lamest excuses it wasn't an excuse it's what happened a Spanish harm what were the numbers it's the hottest movie on Netflix right now
Starting point is 00:09:21 but it did make me think they should have Uber for babysitters. Well, yeah. Like last minute babysitters where it's like everybody's vetted. Stranger comes into your home. Well, they're vetted. There'll be- Speaks no English. Smells of cologne.
Starting point is 00:09:34 Maybe I've met them before. Yeah. And you're just paying $30 an hour for some stranger to hang out in your house. They probably have that. So anyway, I'm really mad I missed out on eating barbecue at 1.30 in in the morning i think if it's seth myers he's there no matter what i think what the hell is that hey did you go you're on my side seth had a party did you go to it i did go to that i had babysitting no carrie did not carries yeah oh you had a babysitter yeah well my my wife that's what you do wait a minute so your kids are now old enough to not had a babysitter yeah well my my wife that's what you do wait a minute so
Starting point is 00:10:05 your kids are now old enough to not have a babysitter well the golden globes were last month no what i learned was that your kids are now a month older that's old enough my kids are not old enough to have a bit to not have a babysitter that's it that's because you're poisoning their brains i know because i'm watching spanish horror movies veronica with these people getting possessed. So speaking of possessed. Yes. I was very worried about you with this Oscars.
Starting point is 00:10:30 You're always worried. No, no. This one I was worried because the climate was definitely, I don't know, not comedy friendly, I would say. Yeah, no. It was an intense Oscars. It wasn't a great, it wasn't the ideal situation going in. It wasn't a great it wasn't the ideal situation going in wasn't a great wasn't a great room no and you disarmed it but there was a lot of thought put into it i saw a rough draft of a model you had like for six days ago and it was interesting to see some of the things you took
Starting point is 00:10:58 out what did you learn yeah yeah well what so you learn like you throw you watch the seth meyers golden globes on very carefully oh now put the seth meyers golden globes on very carefully oh no but the seth meyers no but that was the first one he was the test pilot and the biggest lesson of that was you throw a name out in the room kind of everybody's sphincters get tight oh yeah i knew that was gonna happen yeah i did have that because that's always the case even if it isn't a controversial year they don't like to be singled out and they don't like to single others out. And the main reason why
Starting point is 00:11:30 is because there are cameras on them throughout the whole thing and they know there's 30 million people watching. So they are very sensitive to that. So they're worried that they're going to be laughing hilariously at this Kevin Spacey joke, but then the camera cuts to them
Starting point is 00:11:45 yeah and nobody else is laughing but they're having a riot and then they get a call from kevin who maybe they knew yeah something or or even it doesn't you know even if it's not about you know something as heavy as the kevin spacey stuff even just taking a little shot at a movie they don't want to be on camera you know you know how it is but that's when you just show your parents the worst place yeah in the the worst place for that is at the white house correspondence dinner because these people are actually doing the business of the country with each other and you've got journalists sitting next to politicians and journalists rely on the politicians for information and interviews and they're not going to sit there and laugh at their faces i experienced this myself
Starting point is 00:12:26 when we went to jeff ross's roast battle in montreal at the montreal comedy festival jeff said something that was very very funny but truly horrible i mean as black as black comedy gets it's something i forget what had happened but something very bad had just happened in the news and jeff made a very very bad joke and i resisted the urge to laugh and i just sat there because i was so nervous that i would be in the promo for comedy central or something you know so i know where they're coming from so you have to be aware of that and you have to almost trick them it's it's almost like boxing like so you have to be aware of that and you have to almost trick them it's it's almost like boxing like you just have to catch them unaware with a joke to get
Starting point is 00:13:09 them to really laugh at something that's directed to someone else were you worried so i was i mean we tried for weeks to to find a sensitive way to fit our r2 me too joke in there yeah it never really didn't work yeah yeah it didn't work yeah what were the best jokes that got cut was there anything that you just even now you get haunted oh no no not really i mean there were a lot of good jokes the problem is that you can only do like two jokes per subject that's what i've i've determined so just determine for the oscars or from like all the different things for awards shows or the upfronts, whatever. If you're standing in front of a group.
Starting point is 00:13:48 Yeah. I don't think you can go too deep. You could do it in like with one subject, but if you're bouncing around from subject to subject, you can't stay on one for a long period of time. So you look at Christopher Plummer and it's just like, just fertile ground for comedy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:02 88 year old guy. There's a 100 million. How many old age jokes did you write, Sal? I mean, it's a relief that he laughed, right, away at the first one. It's a relief that he could even hear us. There's so many... He didn't know what was going on.
Starting point is 00:14:16 So many times you could exhale, right? Like you were happy when the monologue was over, right? That was probably your first big, like, okay, let's now enjoy. But it's like betting. It's like betting. Like when you win a big bet you're just relieved you're not yeah there's no joy there's no chest bumping and everything you're just like you're you're happy it's over i don't know that's kind of the harvey weinstein if this was a racetrack the harvey weinstein section is that hairpin turns about life by the way that you just touched on there
Starting point is 00:14:42 this is what you should be scaring your kids with is that instead of veronica there's no joy or celebration really unless maybe if you win the super bowl but in in the in the rest of your life if it goes well you're like okay good that went well and if it goes badly like oh my god that was horrible i'll never recover from this my friend dan clores has this 20-hour basketball documentary that's going to be on espn and he showed me a couple of segments from it. One of them is called Relief for Joy, and it's about coaches, about what happens when you win and how none of them can feel joy.
Starting point is 00:15:14 You're just kind of happy you didn't lose. Yeah, that's right. It sounds like this. That's right. Gambling, entertaining, gambling coaching. Well, we had, there was a website out there that had odds on all different things from your monologue oh yeah oh yeah you mailed it to us we the karma of it scared all of us i think i know but why did
Starting point is 00:15:34 it would it have been illegal for us to bet on that stuff it wouldn't have been illegal i think it would have been shady for you to bet on it but like for to take care of a couple of maybe your your that's what i younger employees i think are like kind of most degenerate right yeah friends that maybe don't live in la yeah let them help like brad mulcahy he could have signed up for the website and put in you have to put a credit card down now that's right but could you imagine sal calling you and saying listen this is guaranteed you know you this he is going to mention Nancy Kerrigan in the monologue four times. So you've got to bet the over on that. Well, what were the bets?
Starting point is 00:16:14 It was like Trump. He will mention Trump. That's what's interesting. The Trump mentions was one and a half. And as of, I think, Saturday, you were at two. And then you changed one of the jokes. And then I think it was zero. I don't even think you said his name.
Starting point is 00:16:25 I mean, you alluded to him. Once, once. You said his name, actually? Yeah. Oh, no. I think you just alluded to it. You changed it to Fox News, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:33 That's right. Yeah. I actually thought that was smart because the Trump is another one that the less you said the name, probably. When people hear that name, they get nauseated. Oh, my God. Yeah. So this was like two years ago um i don't want to
Starting point is 00:16:46 name any names but lewis k uh was at this he had a client at the super bowl and we knew how long the national anthem was going to be yeah we did bet on that thanks lewis yeah he told us never to tell anyone was it pre-recorded it wasn't pre-recorded but he saw the rehearsals and remember it was like 20 seconds higher than the over under yeah there was one website that had who will be jimmy's first target who will be the target of jimmy's first joke and they had like trump and they had uh me me to himself uh the oscar you know baity and faye dunaway and they had emma gonzalez at 75 to 1 and i was thinking emma gonzalez yeah what kind of lunatic
Starting point is 00:17:27 how would he do it how would he but now i'm thinking god well maybe maybe you do make her the target and then donate it all to the uh oh that would have been unbelievable that would have what about a story that would have been the problem with those bits is you you can only put in like 50 bucks they don't let you get rich off them jeez can it's hard to believe sal was able to find some of these websites. I didn't know he cared about it like this. We got to tell you about something called porn. I think you'd really like it.
Starting point is 00:17:50 How much can you win? Nothing really. It's more of a losing proposition. Since the last time we did this all together, Sal has launched a gambling podcast and he's launching a new generation of degenerates. He's kind of their leader. Because it was so hard for you to do it one-on-one.
Starting point is 00:18:07 And now you're able to get the word out there to the masses. Wait until this stuff becomes legal. So Sal does this bet with Harry before the Super Bowl that Harry can lose, what, 50? 52 pounds by Super Bowl 52, and then I give him $5,200. Does everyone know who Harry is, though? He's on the degenerate trifecta. He he could have a big fat ball guy i went to college with he kind of took me to the next step of where i am with gambling and it is really when you experience
Starting point is 00:18:35 harry and that whole group the fact that you met in college is yeah that's not where you'd think you'd be like yeah we were, we were in the joint together. Overseas. We were in some kind of boys facility. The truth is he was a townie when I met him. He wasn't enrolled in the college. He went to Oswego High School, and he would just peddle parlay cards, and everybody knew him around town. And eventually he took his summer money he earned and enrolled.
Starting point is 00:19:04 What a success story. Eight credits at a time. Now he's a townie again. Yeah. So they have the way off. And somehow you end up being the host of it with Corolla. You were technically the host. I was panicked that I was going to miss it.
Starting point is 00:19:17 And I called Sal. I didn't know how tight the deadline was. I was like, I'm two minutes away. This Lyft driver is taking forever. I'm two minutes away. So he is taking forever i'm two minutes away so he's like all right well okay wait wait wait i wanted to see it so you hosted harry's way off and then you hosted the oscars yeah a month of each other but when harry's way has to be the biggest before and after tv when it was over you were just relieved right yeah there was no joy
Starting point is 00:19:41 they weren't happy the best part of best part of Harry's was one of the guys were at the Super Bowl, and Harry stripped down his underwear, and his underwear were... The fact that he chose this pair to be the pair he would wear in front of everyone on the internet at the Super Bowl meant that this was his best pair.
Starting point is 00:19:59 They looked like underwear from one of the World Wars. They were made of burlap, and they were ill-fitting. So anyway, Harry's standing there in his underwear and we stuffed like what 5200 down his the front of his shorts yeah the best part was sal's 10 year old son wandering around near yeah pretty much naked harry the best part was will burke's daughter wandering no whose daughter was it um somebody's daughter came in with a girl scout cookies oh yeah hench oh my god that's right hench brought his daughter to sell girl scouts
Starting point is 00:20:32 cookies at super bowl i said look there's a guy standing right there in his underpants who has not eaten in i don't't know, weeks and has $5,200 cash in it. Go right there. Oh my God. That was a good call. I think he gave her like 4,800. Jesus. I'm going to take a quick break.
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Starting point is 00:22:32 because you just got back from the grocery store and realized you forgot to buy blades. Here's what you do. Subscribe today, pick your favorite razor, get every fourth order free. Visit Gillette online at gilletteondemand.com back to the cousins jimmy and sal all right we're back uh so the oscars um yes you were at you went at president trump today well he yeah he went at he went at the oscars first about the ratings he really
Starting point is 00:23:03 he sets himself up very well. It's almost, I was just like, I can't believe a person would be ratings. Wouldn't be so self unaware that he would tweet something about ratings when his, his approval rating, which, you know,
Starting point is 00:23:18 he has delivered to him in bed every morning. It's so unbelievably low, but I guess that's what you, if you're a psychologist you would say that's projection yeah tell say everyone else has low ratings and then nobody will notice you have low ratings when the truth is exactly the opposite things have thing i was interested in this because the spin control which we're going to talk about in a little bit about what's happened to your life in the last year but um the spin control i could tell
Starting point is 00:23:43 one of the angles was going to be wow you know kimmel got too political that's why the ratings over the last year that's why the ratings are down the ratings were down because the best movie was shape of water and the two best actor and actresses were gary oldman and francis mcdormand there are no stars it wasn't like event television you disagree i think there was like no signature anything look at the pattern the rains are down all-time low for super bowl emmys oscars golden globes i think you know they've been you know the gloves are down too um and uh there's one other award harry's way in since netflix happened since you know we are now able to watch anything we want at any time, we don't have this situation where like, oh, the Oscars are on.
Starting point is 00:24:29 This is what we're watching. Only one thing has gone up, The Bachelor. The Bachelor has gained steam. No, I don't know. No, I don't think so. I think The Bachelor is maybe even with last year. When I worked with you, The Bachelor, I mean, there was just less channels. Like something like The Bachelor could get like 20 million people with their season finale.
Starting point is 00:24:47 Now, I don't think there's any road to that. But what did Trump say? He said, I think this is because there are no celebrities in America, except for me. There are no stars left. No stars, except me. And much like our agent, James Babydoll Dix is, that's just kidding, of course. Babydoll is a little bit different. He says, kidding, kidding. Yeah is a little bit different he says kidding
Starting point is 00:25:05 kidding yeah kidding that indicates that he was not kidding right but if a new realized later he offended somebody so he is kidding right kidding sorry right so you're crying baby doll has warned us that he's listening to this podcast which is a big big move for him does that count as as work for him because yeah to get a podcast on a flip phone it's almost impossible well he is he has to hold it up over his head like an antenna you know what else that counts as work uh tell a quick baby doll story from this weekend he shows up to the oscars now there's rehearsal this This was Thursday night at 6.30. He shows up with his daughter, Emily, who had just arrived from New York. And he's a half hour in.
Starting point is 00:25:51 He's sound asleep. I sent you the pictures. Yeah. Side by side. The two of them are sound asleep. That's got to make you feel good, Jimmy. And he wakes up for a minute. Weirdly, it does.
Starting point is 00:26:01 They have baskets of fruit and everything. It all ends up on his seat like it's a movie theater but there's a banana peel on the ground cheese it's thrown trash like an animal and then he leaves and then he's gone that was it he just expects somebody's gonna pick it up slept he littered he left well so when he comes for the week i've always tried to figure this out for you he he makes it seem like you need him and this is really important for him to come the whole week to support you but i would i would argue he stays with him well there's a counter case that it actually is more of a burden than a help the counter i'm just i'm laying out
Starting point is 00:26:38 the counter case he stays with you and you have two small kids the problem he goes around everywhere he's constantly texting you i'm late i'm sorry i'm running late baby the traffic's terrible no like why do you need this he's beyond the explaining why he's late like he doesn't need a monologue so we had our first table read on thursday night and the table read was at six o'clock um baby showed up at 7 15 yeah unbelievable well he was at a meeting with me before and he showed up 10 minutes late for a meeting he had arranged and then left at six and it's like i have to go to jimmy's to dolby theater what time do you have to be there six we kind of looked at the phones he was on the phone during your for the first time you did the monologue during rehearsal uh he's on his phone
Starting point is 00:27:24 and lewis and i it's almost like what is going on he's on his phone in the studio he doesn't even get out it's great he's taking it to another level he's not an agent he's playing the character of an agent in a movie that we don't realize we're in it's like a truman show speaking of we talked about i think baby would be a great candidate for this you were saying kobe put down four or five million dollars what was it to to make this short this animated short oh to make the movie yeah it was a few million bucks and you got like the best of everybody we were thinking maybe baby should do this too like just put down five million dollars we're
Starting point is 00:28:00 trying to think like yeah kobe's laid out this blueprint for the short film oscar which is a category that is usually these people that have slaved away for three years in liberia right it's a brother they're doing it they're filming it on their iphone and you know they're eating ramen every day to survive and then kobe comes in and he gets like john williams he gets like all the best people they spend an insane amount of money he blows everyone plus he's kobe bryant half the academy are probably laker fans yeah and it's like this is great kobe bryant and meanwhile like stanley kubrick never won an oscar and easily could have done this and made like a three minute short film and the oscar counts the same as everyone else's oscar i like it's not like they're different sizes i like to like to see Stanley try to win the NBA MVP.
Starting point is 00:28:47 Well, so we had Roger Sherman at the ringer was saying, Kobe, you know they have the EGOT? Yeah. So he said Kobe was the first LMFAO, the Lawrence O'Brien Trophy, MVP, Finals MVP, All-Star MVP, and Oscar. The LMFAO. So the L is the Lawrence, huh?rence o'brien trophy oh that's good
Starting point is 00:29:07 yeah it was a good one but uh but i think this is baby's blueprint now yeah we convince baby to spend four million dollars on a short film he just smokes he just sits there and smokes for four minutes we'd be better off focusing on convincing baby to spend four million dollars on a meal that we've done that around accidentally by the hotel yeah what we did was there a meal that we're doing next year. Well, we've done that already. How did we do that? Accidentally buy the hotel. Yeah, was there a meal? Did you run up his bill? No, no, I was mad because I thought he was going to have a party, but then he pointed out that Jimmy didn't want one.
Starting point is 00:29:32 And how dare you come between my... I thought there was a party that I didn't get invited to and I was upset. Well, first of all, there was a party you did get invited to. I'm not talking about the Sunday night party. So you have no reason to be upset about any of this stuff. But I will say this. I never told Baby doll that oh really that no i at one never ever
Starting point is 00:29:51 ever said that he he willed that on to me baby you don't want to have i gave him like an i don't know it depends on where i am i wish i would have known that that kind of consideration has never been taken into account before wait so to recap you never told Baby you didn't want the Friday night, here are all my friends and family in town party. Never. Baby then told Sal, Jimmy told me he didn't want to have the party. I just assumed he didn't want to be bothered, and then I have nowhere to go with it.
Starting point is 00:30:19 Well, what I would have said is you can have the party. It would be great. Last year I came because I was ready to go. The party was fun last year. I probably would have come this year. I think I was set and I would have had time to come. But you have to understand that if I can't come to it, I can't come to it. Right.
Starting point is 00:30:36 But he just decided he didn't want to have the party. You know, babies. He doesn't care anymore. You would think that a man who has like seven houses, each one exceeding 20,000 square feet, would be a little bit of a free spender, but not really the case. Well, I'm going to the Masters with my dad, and I told Baby, and Baby was like, oh, I'm going too, this is great,
Starting point is 00:31:00 and then proceeded to tell me a five-minute story about how expensive his trip's going to be, how he taking a people he has to charter a plane he's renting a house he's just going saturday tickets are insane amount you have to give them back or it's made he laid out the whole thing for me uh no does any other agent do this no Here's how much money I spent this week. He walks. So I did Ellen on the week leading up to the Oscars last week. And he landed that day. He comes straight from the airport.
Starting point is 00:31:33 Right to Ellen. And there's no better time to catch baby than when he's arrived straight from the airport. Yeah. Because he is just a tornado of cigarettes. Right. Especially cross country. Youcountry just gone six hours when he yeah when he has a six-hour trip he doesn't smoke fewer cigarettes that day he still smokes the same catch up he just smokes them all in the rental car that's undoubtedly a no smoking rental car and then when he turns it back in he just yells at them and says i did not smoke in that car
Starting point is 00:32:02 that car smelled like smoke when I got in there. And he shows up, and at that moment that he arrived, Ellen was in my dressing room. Baby walks in. He's as red as a lobster. I mean, he has been out in the sun. And meanwhile, you know, I'm watching the news in New York. It's snowing.
Starting point is 00:32:18 He comes in. He's been in Florida for the week. He is tanner than Trump. He walks in. He's loud. His hair is all crazy, you know, and that he's like wild and he smells like smoke and cologne and ellen looks at him like there's a wild animal is there an animal segment on the show tonight because there's a wild animal in this dressing room and he's like baby and he walks so he kisses me loudly on the face. And then he embraces Ellen as if she's his old friend.
Starting point is 00:32:45 Oh, no. And she is totally, totally confused. Oh, my God. And I just start laughing. Ellen, you remember me. Ellen, you know me. You know me. James Dixon.
Starting point is 00:32:54 2002. Baby doll. And Ellen's just nodding, kind of like, all right, I'm going to ease my way out of this room type of way. I like when he berates people for not remembering him. It's a classic favorite. You remember? No, you remember. It was 2005. You know me. It was 2 in the morning.
Starting point is 00:33:10 Sean Penn pretending not to remember me. F him. Can we tell the story? It didn't end there, though. Then the U.S. Women's Gold Medal Hockey Team was on there, which paved the way for a lot of great photos.
Starting point is 00:33:27 As soon as I heard they were on, I was like, oh, no, he's going to be right in the middle of them trying to get pictures. I watched eight minutes of one of your games. It was great. Tugging on their gold medals, taking pictures with them. See this? My three guest bathrooms are made out of it. Jupiter, Florida. All right.
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Starting point is 00:34:04 the overqualified number two and Russell Westbrook, obviously an alpha I thought this would work. Paul George is kind of the overqualified number two, and Russell Westbrook, obviously an alpha dog, likes to shoot and do stuff. It's been fascinating to watch them kind of decide who gets the ball at the end of the games. I've enjoyed it. Paul George, probably the best two-way player in the league right now. Best defensive player, that's for sure.
Starting point is 00:34:20 And Westbrook, obviously a force of nature at the end of the games. Their stats combined have helped the Thunder lead the league in turnovers force per games and points off turnovers per games. We'll see if they can make the playoffs. That is a tough Western Conference. Regardless, be sure to check out that video on theringer.com. It's coming this week.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Or the Ringer's YouTube channel, youtube.com slash theringer or the Ringer's Facebook or the Ringer YouTube channel, youtube.com slash the ringer or the ringers Facebook or the ringers Twitter at Twitter. And remember the teammates on the court, like teammates on the court, a relationship with a State Farm agent sets you up for the success off the court. Go to statefarm.com to get an agent that gets you. And since we're here, let's talk about Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. They understand that home plays a big role in your life and family. That's why they created Rocket Mortgage. It gives you the confidence you need when it comes to buying a home, refinancing your existing home loan. Don't you want to fully understand all the details and be
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Starting point is 00:35:44 Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. time to make sure you're getting the right solution for you. Apply simply, understand fully, mortgage confidently. To get started, go to rocketmortgage.com slash Bill Simmons, equal housing lender, licensed in all 50 states, NMLS, consumeraccess.org, number 3030. Back to the wacky cousins. So the last time you were on the pod, a lot of stuff has happened since. Yes. Are you trying to make me cry? No, I'm not.
Starting point is 00:36:14 Well, first of all, that's easy. It's not that hard. Yeah, your show and your profile and everything went up like a giant level. Hold on one second. In frightening ways. I want to get level in like frightening ways i want to get back to this but i want to know where you got that ramones t-shirt my wife bought it for me where'd she buy it like fred siegel or something like that i don't know is that one of those like
Starting point is 00:36:35 90 rock and roll t-shirts do you like the ramones huh he said do you like the ramones like the t-shirt you're not allowed to wear a t-shirt of a band you're not into. How many Ramones can you name? Joey? Never mind Ramones. Tommy? Let's go with this. All right.
Starting point is 00:36:54 Sal? Come up with all the Italian names you have. Bobby? Sorry, let's go back. Bobby Ramone was great. We'll go back to your love of the Ramones. Yeah, so your profile was up. This is the first time you've had people out there there that are like fuck that guy what yeah what do you mean
Starting point is 00:37:10 yeah there's a whole segment out there like fuck that guy oh no there've been there's been that for a long time but this is like this is half of the country yeah well that's not a segment that's you got political but you got it in a way that was genuine to you and your experiences in life but people still don't like that yeah no people are um very very angry in this country right now why do you ask everybody asking this why why they will i'm just i'm just we're glossing over this they will apply it to any situation i can post a picture of my daughter eating pancakes, and they'll be like, you liberal pussy dick sucker. It's like, hey, it's just pancakes. Can maybe we wait for something that's relevant to this comment?
Starting point is 00:37:56 People have asked him about this. That's just from Babydoll, by the way. I actually know him, and I know how he is. And his instinct, much like mine, and it's the italian and all of us is to fight back yeah and you have to and that's the worst thing you could do it's like engaging in the land war in vietnam yeah and you just kind of have to go every once in a while you can fight back in fact well trump's an easy target to fight this morning my uh i realized something i've been you know i've been like kind of you know leading up to the Oscars, it's a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety.
Starting point is 00:38:27 And then when it's over, it's just kind of over, you know, and everybody writes and says, oh, great job, this and that, whatever. And you say, oh, thank you. And then you're kind of, it's over, you know. It's now Tuesday and we're back to work on the regular show. So it's a little bit of a letdown. And this morning i uh got up and i opened my computer and trump uh tweeted about the low-rated emmys
Starting point is 00:38:51 oscars and i tweeted a snappy little comeback and um and i realized after i did how i was really happy and i felt like i was back this is better than coffee i don't know why i'm like excited to go to work now i'm like happy to go there and respond to the president his trump his tweet that was directed basically at me well because your profile is high enough now that it's hard to find people that it's a no-lose for you to go back and forth with him if he engages it's great yeah i mean i think with the with the president of the united states yeah he takes time to single you out it's that's great it's a win every time yeah go back you love this stuff i do i like it i mean something weird how we've come. Like a year ago, it was like, oh, Fallon, Colbert, Kimmel, who's winning? And it's not like that.
Starting point is 00:39:48 It's really now who's trashing Trump or how they're treating the business of the day versus until someone from The Ringer writes a lukewarm article about us. Oh. It is just about. Did that happen? No, that didn't happen. No. It's like two weeks ago. No. What are you talking about? It was so long no that didn't happen no it's like two weeks ago no
Starting point is 00:40:05 what are you talking about so long ago don't worry about it you're telling me you don't have a little meaning with your staff and say whatever you write whatever you do you better not cross Kimmel well that might have been in an email no there's different times it's it's it's very strange oh by the way i forgot that did were you guys was there any excitement at all i don't think i got much of a reaction at all from you for what about the timothy chalamet oh yeah fan he is of of you and your podcast it's actually probably listening right now it It's actually the opposite. Why?
Starting point is 00:40:47 My entire staff is in love with him, including some of the guys. Yeah. And it was a huge, huge, huge moment. Oh, he's like the number one prodigal son of the ringer.
Starting point is 00:40:56 Good. I think, I think every woman that works for us is in love with him in some form. He's, and I think, I think every woman is in love with him. Like period. Like my wife, my daughter, like everybody I know loves that guy guy he's very likable besides being a handsome kid and a great
Starting point is 00:41:11 actor but i thought he had some of the best reactions during the award show not just at the oscars but at the independent spirit the day before really great like really got a kick out of it yeah by the way i should say that john mulaney and nick kroll were they were absolutely hilarious they were excellent spirit of words and i i emailed them afterwards i was like you motherfuckers yeah well i had to do the oscars tomorrow take it easy but were they as funny at the after party when you went they were good it was good to see both of them food was good but um the uh he put his kids in a panic room uh just to keep them keep them occupied while he went to the party but the show's a little more political than he
Starting point is 00:41:54 used to be what is your show oh it's yeah it's a lot more political but you understand it i mean you know you've been here what we always did from the beginning is we talked about what was in the news of the day gravitate toward what people what was in the news of the day. Gravitatory, what people care about. This is what is in the news of the day every single day. You have no choice. And if in a few years we get a boring president, then it will revert back the other way. Not just our show, but all of the shows.
Starting point is 00:42:18 How do you think it's changed late night just how people are seeing these shows? Do you feel like um i feel like people are looking for catharsis people are looking for someone first of all to summarize the madness each day because it's a lot to absorb and it's a lot of work to take it all in and then also to say the things that they feel like they want to say or at least just want to think. I think that's why people are watching these shows and why you see when you do a segment that touches on this material, it becomes very viral. All the news outlets are hungry for our commentary at the end of each day. We have to tell them what we did before the show.
Starting point is 00:43:08 It's almost like a daily recap of all the zaniness. It's a daily recap of the country. Yeah. I mean, you wrote on the show when Bush was in office, and a lot of people didn't like him. They didn't like the way he was handling the country. But we didn't pound him every day. We mentioned him once a week.
Starting point is 00:43:22 We'd wait until he ran into a door at the end of the week or something then we'd make a big deal out of it this guy is five tweets in before we wake up we have to we have to address it you crazy the characters like this edition of this nunberg is like i you know it's really like breaking bad or something when gus shows up for the first time you're like oh here's another great character yeah it's true well i remember the first like couple months and you didn't we act one was kind of evolving scripted yeah you didn't really know what it was yet but we would always be so grateful when something happened you'd be like i remember there was that michael jackson crazy 2020 interview that he did with the kid who had slept over.
Starting point is 00:44:05 And it was like, what is this? Do we touch this? We got to. Everyone's talking about it. And that's kind of what Act One has to be. It's like, what are people talking about? The worst nights are when there are a dozen semi-interesting stories. And you have to make something out of them.
Starting point is 00:44:23 Those are the tough nights. When there are big stories it's a lot easier and i mean it's a lot of work still but at least you know the audience knows what you're talking about you don't have to catch them up on on what's happening somewhere were you were you worried when jimmy started diving into some of this like real stuff worried about people hating him yeah all that stuff yeah yeah the whole family like takes it really personally when jimmy gets attacked it's weird because i don't i take it personally i don't see it as much as he does but like if he'll copy me on a
Starting point is 00:44:54 if he'll list me as my handle on a tweet if on a show that i'm in then i get what you get like a one one hundredth of it i'm like oh my god i forgot how crazy people are sal has asked me to disassociate myself from him yeah i don't want anything to do with this he was so happy doesn't have we can't gamble on this uh there's no point um and when is when is billy's birthday april 21st day after hitler's he said that's true we were very nervous at least i was i didn't want him to be born on hitler's birthday oh my i didn't even know that was a thing i was like molly you're gonna have to hold it in if you start having contractions at 6 a.m it's gonna be a long 24 hours yeah i had the opposite my son was almost born on halloween and i was really rooting for it for the michael
Starting point is 00:45:41 meyers kind of yeah for whatever and he just wouldn't come out fucking guy stayed in there three hours longer oh just missed it you don't want to be born on halloween i was fired up for it well it's the worst i mean your birthday is just gone well now he has the greatest because he's got halloween and then he's got yeah the next it's like a two-day extravaganza it must be just an incredible sugar rush over that 48 hour period see literally candy in the can of his mind he needs a little sugar he's a little yeah he's the last thing he needs is you know last night was last night monday was the night after the oscars and we were very tired uh we went to bed very late and then our daughter woke us up very very early and then i felt like because it was my wife's 40th birthday yeah i should get up even though you know I just hosted the Oscars I felt like I should get up and so my wife went back to sleep
Starting point is 00:46:29 and I got up with the kids and um and then last night I came home and her mom and sister and brother-in-law everybody and were there with cake and pizza and stuff like that so it was a uh it was quite a two days for me jesus i was up till midnight last night never ends how much sleep are you getting on oscars week because like molly had some instagram posts like it's two in the morning and we're working on the monologue it was like saturday night i'll tell you on um saturday night first of all the rehearsal doesn't end till after midnight, which is ridiculous. And they have to be there early. We do the whole show.
Starting point is 00:47:08 I don't know if people know this, but on Saturday, we run through the whole show. Then on Sunday, in the early morning, we do the whole show to time. And then we do the whole show live starting at 5 o'clock. What do you mean the whole show to time? I mean, we start at the top of the show we go through the whole thing they have stand-ins pretend to be the so you literally do four hours we literally do four hours jesus and then we come back and do saturday night and then sunday morning yeah but nothing friday it's funny when everybody thinks the oscars ran long that nobody had any
Starting point is 00:47:40 idea it was i don't know why it ran long again it's like i'm pretty sure it was all intentional even internally they always say like yeah because it's going to be three hours and 45 minutes or whatever like we know it's going to be within a 10 20 minute range of how long the show is going to be but for some reason it didn't doesn't really run long when you know what the length is going to be in advance but i'll tell you what i was nervous but you asked me what i was nervous about the first time you did your uh your monologue at that rehearsal because there was already a leak yeah i was nervous about that i was like i don't know if this is the right move i understand what do you mean there was a dmz had already reported that warren baity and faye dunaway were there and they wrote i don't know why that's okay like Like, I could see if something's news, but like you're basically ruining a show.
Starting point is 00:48:27 It's a spoiler. And I don't know why. What does anyone get out of it? Except for what, $200 they paid the guy or whatever. Yeah, they get whatever click throughs they get. But on that Friday, on that Saturday night, I came home and my monologue was still in a state of flux. What was in flux?
Starting point is 00:48:46 It was too long. I was still wrestling with how I was going to address the serious issues. I wasn't settled on a monologue. I had to cut like two pages, and the monologue was like seven pages long. So I had to cut about two pages. We get home it's like 1 30 in the morning our son is crying which he never does he's never you know so molly goes up there and i'm sitting at the computer working on the monologue and then i just hear ah ah and
Starting point is 00:49:19 i go running upstairs and molly is covered in vomit like oh no like you know when you dip a pretzel in white chocolate right that's what she looked like and it is all over her so she hands me the baby and i take off his clothes and i got him now he's happy and he's laughing you know he's like yep look what i just did and she's she had to go take a shower i mean that's how much oh my god and she had had a spray tan earlier that day so loud there's like vomit stains on her spray she'd had her hair blown out and like every it's a disaster so i take him and he thinks it's funny and he's wide awake now it's like 2 30 in morning. And I'm looking at him and I just said, listen, I'm hosting the Oscars. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:09 Not even tomorrow. Later today. Yeah. And you need to go to sleep. Do you listen? No. Yeah. How'd that not make the monologue?
Starting point is 00:50:18 I don't know. I should have put it in there. He also bit me on the nose hard the other day. Yeah, he really just got out of my nose. 10 months is when you're holding them and they'll just randomly punch you in the head and hard the other day. Yeah, he really just got out of my nose. Ten months is when you're holding them and they'll just randomly punch you in the head and think it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:30 I miss ten months. I know nobody cares about this stuff, but maybe this is like the end of the show segment. Are you guys going to do one of those, or is that only for when you talk about the parents' corner? Oh, yeah, let this be it. Oh, that could be your parent corner. Yeah, yeah, go.
Starting point is 00:50:42 So parents' corner. Kids have a sense that we don't have. We become accustomed as adults to things being on our heads. So like you see, like Sal has a baseball hat on. It doesn't look weird to us. We see a baseball hat. Or if you were to be wearing glasses, we say, okay, you're wearing glasses. But the kids, babies would look at you and go, what's on your face?
Starting point is 00:51:05 What's on your head? I need that. And they immediately want to pull it off of you because it seems weird that there's something on your head. Yeah. That's it. No, the 10-month block. I don't know. It always strikes me as funny how funny they think it is.
Starting point is 00:51:20 I would say be careful of the headbutt. The headbutt is brutal. The headbutt is right here, and it could come out of nowhere. My son does the reverse headbutt, which is he likes to dive backwards. Only with me. Yeah. So I'll be holding him, and all of a sudden, because I tilt him backwards, and he loves it, and he'll just throw himself backwards.
Starting point is 00:51:38 Yeah, they don't know. And it's funny, but it's dangerous. Knock a tooth out. I have my parent corner. here's my quick parent corner i took my son's phone on sunday because he was playing ball inside the house and like broke a small window and he knew and he just ran upstairs like a scared dog and then i saw the window and i'm like what the hell happened i come up and he's like i'm sorry you should take my phone and he's like punishing himself i'm like i'm absolutely gonna take your phone i'm taking it for a week you can get it back in a week for breaking a window yeah because
Starting point is 00:52:09 he knows the phone that's he knows i was so mad at him because the playing ball in the house thing so i take the phone oh you what a hypocrite he disappears for three hours to sulk he comes down for the oscars and then he's like dad if I get the next three categories right in a row, I get my phone back. And I'm like, well, what do I get? He's like nothing,
Starting point is 00:52:30 but you know, it'd be really hard to get three in a row. And I'm like, all right, let's do it. I'll give you your phone back. This is a great way to increase ratings. So the first,
Starting point is 00:52:41 the first category, I'm like, there's no way he's going to do this. We're hitting all the technical stuff. The first category is best supporting actress. The only movie he'd seen out of the five is I, Tonya. So he's like, I picked the I, Tonya. And I'm like, all right.
Starting point is 00:52:54 So he gets that one. Second one is Kobe's category. I'm like, oh, my God. Really? Kobe? So, of course, he picks that. Kobe wins. And now he's like,'m gonna get it i'm
Starting point is 00:53:05 gonna get the next one and then the next one is best animated and it was coco which was obviously gonna win yeah and and he's running around the house with his arms up breaking windows future gambler i mean this is really he's gonna be in the degenerate quad he really did i was like what are the odds those are the three categories the only one he's gonna get every boy breaks a window and tries to hide it yeah in fact um i would like to share a story about my cousin sal i may get a couple little details wrong but it doesn't matter so don't correct me sal broke a window when he was a kid in the 80s and um there was some mystery as to who'd done it because he didn't necessarily want his
Starting point is 00:53:45 mother to know that yeah he'd done it nor his father how was their mystery when sal was living in the house well listen you you haven't been to that house there's a sal is sal's maybe the calmest member of it yeah okay um so uh there was a little bit of a cover-up, and my Aunt Fran, Sal's mother, went to Sal. She obviously knew he'd done it. And she said, Sal, do you remember on the Cosby show when they said it's always better to tell the truth? And Sal took a moment, and Sal said, all right, Theo did it.
Starting point is 00:54:24 Then what happened? I forgot about that, yeah. it seemed the safest way to go jesus do you have a quick paracord uh i do oh i guess i do they have um um it's funny they have these stuffed animals they usually used to do it with live animals where the preschool would give the live animal to the kid every weekend a different kid would take it home and you take pictures with the with the thing it now it becomes a flat stanley what kind of animals did they give you i don't know it's like we once had a rabbit it was just like a rabbit we took the rabbit home for the weekend and miraculously i was able to get it back and alive it's original form yeah but now it's a stuffed animal stuffed animal's name was molly and uh let's see this is a visual thing it's not going yeah but now it's a stuffed animal stuffed animal's name was molly
Starting point is 00:55:05 and uh let's see this is a visual thing it's not going to play as well but um so we had to take molly home for my uh son harrison and you take pictures with it wherever you go so saturday i'm scrambling before the uh oscar rehearsal i'm like we have to get your mother a gift i say the kids we're going to go to the mall and melissa says take uh molly with you you have to take pictures with with her uh with the doll wherever you go and give me tate you may have to cut maybe you post this on uh yeah on your new instagram yes yes i will yeah what is your new instagram i was trying to get sad to go on instagram for two years it's the cousin sal meanwhile i was flagged i sad to go on Instagram for two years. It's the cousin Sal. Meanwhile, I was flagged.
Starting point is 00:55:45 I had to, uh, I had to delete my first picture. Anyway, this is the picture I take. He got busted by the first picture, baby doll. And it has all the C the seating chart in the background.
Starting point is 00:55:56 He was vaping in the, at the baby dog. I yelled that for it. They're like, you need to take that picture down. He's like, what the hell are you talking about? I wouldn't,
Starting point is 00:56:04 even if I knew how. I would never. What is Instagram? And I'm not doing it anyway. So anyway, here's the picture I take. Harrison in the mall. Jimmy. It's a picture of Harrison.
Starting point is 00:56:17 Sal's little son standing next to mannequins that have bras on in the lingerie department. She gets mad. She won't forward it. This does not make the collage. It didn't make it. No, I was like, I give up. It says, choose your smooth, the vanishing bat collection. And Harrison looks pretty excited. I have a lot of high hopes for that kid.
Starting point is 00:56:38 He looks super comfortable. He could be the next Timothee Chalamet if we play our cards right. I think so. I have one more mini parent corner because we're probably not doing this for a while. My son loves Hamilton. And my son loves MLB The Show, that video game. He created an outfielder named Alexander Hamilton. And he gave him all the best power and speed and all this stuff.
Starting point is 00:57:01 And he plays and Alexander Hamilton hits home runs. And he goes nuts and sings hamilton songs really and it's like yeah it's he's a lunatic wow he's gonna be living at home till he's 40 that is yes both the opposite ends of the spectrum really yeah it's really the hamilton and video games it's really something uh so what's next for who for you the death i guess i don't know no that's up front what's your next march towards death what's your next big thing baby doll says he could host for the next five years if he wants i am did baby doll say that i am um why can't you just be the oscars host every year oh yeah
Starting point is 00:57:34 that would be great why not you know why not look at me look at my face you look great i am going to i have i don't know exactly what the date is but i'm going to host a an sctv uh reunion uh oh you were excited about this in toronto yeah so that i'm excited about nice and then uh the up fronts and then you know maybe i'll go fishing roast battle roast yeah i would go to the roast battle we If they haven't in Montreal, I'm there. We had a dinner and you brought Martin Short. Yes, for my birthday, yeah. And I'd always heard he was one of the great dinner guests. He is the greatest.
Starting point is 00:58:16 He might be the greatest dinner guest, right? Oh, no question. We had like eight people there and it just was Martin Short for three hours. Yeah, because who else do you want to hear talk? You don't want anyone else to talk. He just telling stories yeah he's the best it was uh is he like who's the pantheon talk show who who are like the most like you see somebody passed away i mean rickles definitely was you know right up there he was in the in memoriam and i was worried about you coming out of the in memoriam knowing how how sad you get i checked in numerous times to make sure he would be in that in memoriam montage because i i know that
Starting point is 00:58:50 a lightning bolt would have hit me on the way out of the theater if yeah yeah yeah but who else who's in the mount rushmore of the great talk show guests just like you see them on the thing they don't even have anything to plug steve martin martin short um charles barkley uh shack who else you derive more enjoyment out of morgan you derive more enjoyment out of shack than i think anybody ever has i love you've completely he's captured your comedy heart you see things in him that i don't think most people see i've seen those things in him for many years and years and years like oh years and years. People will be like, oh, I knew why he was mumbling. He doesn't want to talk to those guys. What was the roast story?
Starting point is 00:59:30 We did that roast like 15 years ago. Oh, that was the craziest. He was paying a cousin to take a shit. What was that? The story was, it's funny, Daniel brought this up the other day. There was a story shared about Shaq where his cousin, I guess his version
Starting point is 00:59:46 of Sal he um he was on the Queen Latifah show the talk show and he told his cousin he would give him ten thousand dollars if during the interview he meandered on stage and took a shit and then when shack appeared on letterman for the first time the bounty was up to 150 000 oh my god you have to walk but wouldn't you have gotten tackled before the shit came out he would have not made it there's no one letterman. The guest barely made it out to his desk. Just say Theo did it. But imagine that guy thinking about that 150 and sweating. That's a lot of money. Jimmy gave me a challenge.
Starting point is 01:00:39 I wasn't positive if he was kidding and I was pretty sure he was kidding. But what did you do right at the end of the show? Yeah. Just before Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway came out. Oh, no. It occurred to me. Well, first of all, I thought it would be great if I just walked out there and just threw like 400 envelopes at them. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:53 They didn't know which one was which. But then it hit me and I ran back and I said to Sal, I said, Sal, you got to, when Warren, just before he opens that envelope, race out there, snatch it, and keep running until morning. What would have happened? Would I have been out of jail by now? I would have, right? I don't think you would have broken any laws. You had a pass.
Starting point is 01:01:18 You're allowed to be on that stage. Really? The value of the envelope technically is probably less than 10 cents. So maybe you get some kind of a misdemeanor interrupting a broadcast charge. I should have done. That would have been your greatest prank ever. Yeah. I'm trying to think how to top that in front of 30 million people. You steal the envelope.
Starting point is 01:01:40 All right. Next year. I don't know. I don't know how I felt about them running them back. About what? Beatty and I told them I wouldn't have how I felt about them running them back. About what? Beatty and Dunaway. I told them. I wouldn't have picked that.
Starting point is 01:01:48 When they asked me to host again, I said, I will do it, but we have to have them back. We must have it. And it was great. I mean, even though almost everyone knew it was probably going to happen, it was kind of delightful. So you think it was worth it? Oh, totally, yeah. I i mean because think about it like you want to just ignore it and have jack nicholson come out and it's like
Starting point is 01:02:11 oh okay but it was fun to see them again and also to like kind of be in on all the negotiations that went on yeah you think they asked to get paid this time no no no no actual financial but just like how it would go you know um you know faye dunaway had her own ideas about how it should go oh jesus somehow she was on the phone with baby doll somehow she got baby doll's cell phone number faye dunaway shut up and called and spoke to him for what 35 or 40 minutes how is this And didn't really know she was presenting, right? Who is this fake? Even though this has been booked for months, Baby said, of course, Baby had no idea.
Starting point is 01:02:53 So are you planning to be, because she lives in France or something, you're planning to be at the show? She's like, no, I have no plans. This is two days before the show. Oh my God. What did people bring up? What did the, my God. What did people bring up? What did the last nine months?
Starting point is 01:03:06 What did people bring up to you more? The Oscars envelope, the first speech about Billy or the second, the second speech? Billy. Billy a million times over. Yeah. It is weird. And thank God he's doing well, because if he wasn't, I would be reminded of that 20 times a day people just come up dude it's weird you know people come up to your partner like how's your son doing it's like well i'm happy to report and
Starting point is 01:03:33 thank you for i understand they're being nice whatever but what if he wasn't doing well how do you think this conversation would go you know it's like it's just a little weird so that's every day people are like how's billy billy how's he doing he's great if i if i go anywhere other than to work yeah at least a dozen times a day yeah do you get it sal i get it but it's about you it's how's billy i was like well he's got this ramones t-shirt that no one knows i think he's spiraling he's doing a lot of weird things to his children he needs to have his netflix account taken away they probably do all right this was fun thanks for coming to my office anything to plug no i have nothing to plug as you know anything to bet on should we is there a bet we could make what do we have coming up we'll get jimmy in on whatever we decide to do at the finals well well we'll actually affect the bad. But there's no way Baby's still listening to this podcast, right?
Starting point is 01:04:27 I mean, he's checked out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's come up with. When will he come back? When will we see him again? Well, here's the question is, do we do the three-part Babydoll podcast, me, you, and Babydoll, where we just go for like four hours
Starting point is 01:04:40 and we tell the entire story of Babydoll? I mean, you think about like these scripted podcasts that are on now like cereal and dirty john all this couldn't like the baby doll six episode six i'm telling you i will make a man that's the six episodes 10 we might have to do that posthumously because i'm not certain that he'll be able to continue to work in show business if we if we really do it properly so we have like eight months what if we did a documentary on him it would win the oscar it should be called a short film why you do this is it you do a short film about baby doll and you get all the people kobe got and we win the oscar you get kobe as a presenter
Starting point is 01:05:25 or like as a producer who people want to vote for him yeah he's already animated why not what other person could you get as a producer that would just swing the committee like that you see a magic johnson magic people love magic johnson out here more than kobe yeah right yeah right well i don't know if they love him more than colby but they're right they're neck and neck yeah for sure um let's see maybe tommy lasorda oh no here's the animated short okay tommy lasorda he's on the toilet okay he's cutting a guy he's a guy comes in he's cutting a reliever yeah he's cutting uh he's cutting ste Steve Howe. Steve Howe's had some problems. Yeah, he's had some issues. Maybe it's the early 80s.
Starting point is 01:06:08 He's cutting Steve Howe. Howe walks in. Suddenly, Tommy has an explosion. Just like, you know, really. Fettuccine Alfredo the night before. And then his bowel movement comes to life. And his bowel movement actually becomes like the best player on the team
Starting point is 01:06:28 the best left handed reliever they have no he's a power hitter oh yeah is this called deer diarrhea oh nice I don't know we have to oh but he's blue he came out blue Dodger blue
Starting point is 01:06:42 or maybe at the end he turns Dodger blue. Yeah, he's Dodger blue. Or maybe at the end, he turns Dodger blue. You get Magic Johnson as a producer. Yeah. You hire all the people Kobe hired. This could happen. Get Gretzky involved. You could do this. I hope Tom is not listening because he will not think this is funny.
Starting point is 01:07:01 Sal's never forgiven Tommy for berating one of his kids. Oh, no, I loved it. I still have it on my phone Oh no that was very sweet actually There was no yeah What did he yell at him Well he said yeah instead of yes Do you like to play baseball
Starting point is 01:07:15 And Jack goes yeah He says not yeah yes You know you say yes not yeah Yeah no not yeah It was like it was who's on first. It really was. It was Anthony Costello. Anyway, let's get to work on that.
Starting point is 01:07:30 So we need, and we need something with Babydoll. Yeah. To torture him. Oh, Babydoll could play his agent. Yeah. Did we ever create the Babydoll Instagram account or no? No, we never did. And if we did, he wouldn't know it anyway.
Starting point is 01:07:43 But don't we have enough pictures that we could just post a picture every day we do yeah but i have to save them for my annual christmas card that's true codies yeah you got the code i collected quite a few over oscar all right thank you jimmy thanks cousin sal don't forget against all odds cousin sal uh march madness coming up whole bunch of good things the trifecta you don't have a podcast, Jimmy. You just have a late night show. I know. I'm the only person in America without a podcast. Yeah, I think you're,
Starting point is 01:08:08 I'd rather have the late night show, I think. I think you're doing all right. Thanks, guys. All right, thanks again to Jimmy. Thanks again to the Cuz. Don't forget about the Cousins podcast, Against All Odds. Thanks to ZipRecruiter,
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Starting point is 01:08:36 Pick your favorite razor. Get every fourth order free. Visit Gillette online at GilletteOnDemand.com. Don't forget to subscribe to the Recapables, new podcast that we launched last week, breaking down Atlanta, right after Atlanta ends on FX at 1030 East Coast time. We put up the Recapables.
Starting point is 01:08:57 So we'll be doing that again on Thursday. And Bachelor Party, if you love TV, especially ridiculous TV, the Bachelor Party podcast hosted by Julia Lippman is on fire this week. I think we're having three. We also have a Rewatchables coming. and guess what? Guess what the topic is. We've been circling for a while. It's Creed. We taped this two weeks ago and it is, I think the longest rewatchables we ever did. It's almost two hours and goes in a whole bunch of different directions. It's me, Sean fantasy, Wesley Morris, and Cam Collins.
Starting point is 01:09:29 And definitely the deepest deep dive we've done on a movie and what it means in culture and tying it into Black Panther, all that stuff. So if you love the rewatchables, that's coming on Friday morning. Get ready for that. See you later in the week.

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