The Bill Simmons Podcast - Stinky Rodgers, Week 1 Overreactions, Guess the Lines, and Parent Corner With Cousin Sal and Jimmy Kimmel

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

The Ringer’s Bill Simmons is joined by Cousin Sal to discuss their overreactions to NFL Week 1, including the Packers’ blowout loss to the Saints, the Texans’ surprisingly competitive play in their win against the Jaguars, the Falcons’ flop against the Eagles, and more (2:05). Then Bill and Sal Guess the Lines for NFL Week 2 (37:50). Finally, Jimmy Kimmel joins to discuss a new ESPN documentary he and Sal have been working on about the 1986 Mets season titled ‘Once Upon a Time in Queens’ before they close the show with Parent Corner (1:05:30). Host: Bill Simmons Guests: Cousin Sal and Jimmy Kimmel Producer: Kyle Crichton Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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So that's on the Ringer Podcast Network coming up. The Cuz and I are going to break down week one and then we're going to invite our cousin, Jimmy Kimmel, on to talk about his new 86 Mets documentary that he did with Sal, as well as he's going to do Parent Corner with us. So this is action-packed. Let's bring in Pearl Jam. Here we go. All right, Cousin Sal,

I say we're taping this a little after 8 o'clock on Sunday night Pacific time. The Rams are closing out the Bears. Everyone who had a Rams-Niners tease who thought that they were just bringing a suitcase of cash back to their house tonight. The Niners decided to make it really interesting. That was one of those where it was like,

no, no, wait a second. This is an eight-point game and Jerichoff is driving. It was like, what happened? I turned that game off two hours ago. But the Niners covered. The Rams covered. That was such a push-off in the Cowboys game. I'm sorry.

I'm not over Thursday night. Okay, go ahead. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. So that was the easy bet. But the big surprise this week, the underdogs, including the Dallas Cowboys cover, but didn't win.

The underdogs, 11-4. Why do we do this? When are we going to figure this out? That week one, all the underdogs cover. When are we going to figure this out? When? When? How many years?

This is year 15 against the lines. When are we going to figure this out? When, when, how many years? This is year 15 against the lines. When are we going to figure it out? I blame nephew Kyle. I mean, he should be taking notes during these podcasts. How the hell are we supposed to remember that only that this has happened like every year of our life that the underdogs come out and crash the party. And he should be alerting us to this, but yeah, I know it's crazy. We look teaser, teaser, teaser, which team is going to win. But at least you're right. The good teaser came through. Rams and Niners.

And West, I want to say, Fandle.com, our West bet, 7-0 the West teams. We made them 7-0 and the Raiders are going to win tomorrow. We made them add a prop that six teams from the West would make the playoffs. We got 14-1, right? Right. No, 15-1. 15-1. For six of the eight teams to make the playoffs.

And then you watch today and it's like, why can't we go eight for eight? I know. We'll see the Raiders tomorrow night. But we're going to do some defend your overreactions and try to cover everything that we saw today. I'll start. We can go back and forth. We can alternate.

Okay. Here's my first big overreaction. I'm going to defend it. The Packers should have traded Aaron Rodgers. They should have traded him before the draft. You knew that this soap opera was going to be bad. He clearly cared more about 19 other things. And then he came out tonight. They took a big shit. They got killed by New Orleans, a game that was not as close as

the score, even though I think the score was 38 to three. And all the stuff that happened the last seven months seemed like it set the tone. So my biggest overreaction is Packers. You had an exit stage right there. I know it would have hurt the cap for a year, but you could have traded Denver. You could have gotten the ninth pick a bunch of other first if that, if that rumor was true, whatever. But now this is hanging over you. They have an easy game this week, but what a horrible start. And with their offensive line and all this, are we sure this isn't going to go terribly south? I misread the emotion on this game completely.

I thought the Saints would be dead. I thought Rodgers would have something to prove. Maybe that something is somewhere in his man bun. I kept waiting for him to shake it out from the movies. That would turn things around. I think you're right, but I also think they're okay with this a little bit. I mean, they're making Aaron Rodgers the bad guy, right? Like, it's fine for them. It's not fine for them.

Of course, they want to win, and the town wants to win and everything, but if they're 7-10, it's all Aaron Rodgers' fault, right? They're like, hey, we could have moved on. We were all ready to move on. He had one more conversation with Shailene, and he was back in our lap. So what are we going to do? But should they have traded him? I guess we'll see. I was hoping Jordan Love would bring them down to 17, like 38-17 or something. So then there would be a real controversy. But now you just have to take his

word on, well, it was one game. There's 16 left, you know? The funniest outcome would be if they just benched him and started Jordan Love in week two. And they're left, you know. The funniest outcome would be if they just benched him and started Jordan Love in week two. And they're like, you know what, you're leaving anyway. It's like the...

That's good. It's the terrible relationship when the couple is already broken up, but they have to stay in the same apartment until next June because they're sharing the rent.

And it's just like at some point, pull the bandaid off. Look, this is why we call it Defend Your Overreaction. Right. They have an easy game this week. They're playing the Lions.

The Lions. At home on a Monday night. Monday night game, yeah. If they lose that game, holy shit. I will say, though, the biggest thing that happened coming out of today, and we don't see this anymore in 2021, you really have to commit a crime or do something horrible. The superstar athlete actually taking shit on Twitter and on social

media and just from fans where they get killed. And everybody's like, you know what? This was a soap opera that you single-handedly created. There was stuff strategically leaked out at different points of the off season just to benefit you and cause chaos, including during the draft where it's like Aaron Rodgers wants out of here. And you can't say that the chaos and all the other stuff that happened didn't affect them today because they were horrible. I don't know if they were the worst team of the day, but they were in the top three. Yeah, I think they were. I mean, who would have been worse than all the Jets?

Atlanta was horrible. Don't get me started with that. Oh my God. Atlanta was horrible. Yeah. And I'm trying, the Jaguars don't look like they can do anything. And we'll get to them in a second. Cause that's another one of my overreactions,

but go, you go with, I don't have too many, but here's my biggest overreaction. The bucks are going to have trouble making. I won't say making the playoffs. They'll make the playoffs. Cause they have an easy slate,

but they're going to have trouble going far in the playoffs. I think that defense looks old. I have an old friend, Tony Romo. We talked about this for 20 minutes. Like, yeah, yeah. You know what? The Cowboys can win this game. And guess what?

The Cowboys suck. We're not that good. We're still bad defensively. There were guys wide open all over the place, but the Bucks defense is going to stop them from going to any lengths. Even though we saw like the NFC is not very good, maybe, with the Packers. I don't know.

Packers might have clinched the NFC North losing today like they did. I don't know who's left. But I was going to ask. So if you're out of the box, what NFC team do you like? Yeah. Well, I like any of these West teams. If they can avoid the Rams, the Seahawks, and I thought the Niners, but maybe Arizona.

Can they go the full boat without playing any of those teams? I think Tampa's going to have trouble. This was a borderline overreaction to me. I didn't have this as one of mine, but just did we sleep on healthy Kyler Murray? Because he looked awesome in that Tennessee game. I really do think he was genuinely you need him to be good. You bid $23 on him where we're quarterback. We're going about for $9 or $10.

I know. Yeah. I wanted him. Do I wish I had spent 23? No. I guess the NFC team you would probably like the most is the West, but all those teams are going to be beating the crap out of each other. And I just think Tampa is in a nice spot

in that conference. From what I saw of Carolina and Atlanta today, we will not be hearing from them. And then New Orleans, who knows? I don't know if that was just a flat-out stinker. What do you make out of a quarterback that's 14 for 20 with five touchdown passes? I don't think I've ever seen that with Jameis. But he didn't

have to throw much. What was interesting about that game and the first half of the Browns game was how in control of those offenses were the Saints and the Browns, the Saints, they're putting together 12, 15 play drives and just doing whatever they wanted. And then eventually getting the Packers to move people up and beating people deep. And it was kind of a masterpiece. And this was a team was pretty polarizing.

I think this was probably the most polarizing over-under team, the Saints. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Because Francesca came on my pod and was like, this is my lock of the year.

I love the Saints. Nine, Sean Payton, did the whole thing. Other people were like, they're going to suck. Jameis isn't a starting quarterback. But, you know, the truth about the Jameis thing,

I don't know if he's as good as he is today, but, you know, that leads to my second overreaction. Could Jameis thing. I don't know if he's as good as he is today, but that leads to my second overreaction. Could Jameis win the MVP? He's on pace for 80 touchdowns, Sal. 85 touchdowns. 85 is an extra game.

Could we have a weird, if it's not Mahomes and Josh Allen, not sure what to make of that Buffalo team coming at it today, but could it just be some crazy quarterback that has a team that gets hot? I guess. Stafford today hit 250-yard touchdowns. If he has 85 touchdowns, I definitely think you're right.

He needs to be considered. No, I'm kidding. That wasn't my second overreaction. Here is my second overreaction. Yeah. This is a real overreaction. Houston is going to win the AFC South. I joked about that around 1041 AMR time when they were the only team that looked like it was worth anything.

What if 6-11 takes the AFC South? Could they get to six wins? Beat the Jags twice? Catch the Colts? And then there's some major, major, major Ewing theory potential with this Deshaun Watson thing. I'm sorry, what did they ever win with Deshaun Watson? They're like, let's write him off.

They don't have Deshaun Watson, blah, blah, blah. It's like, I don't know, Tyrod Taylor looked pretty good today. I have no idea why they were getting three and a half points against that crap Jacksonville team. I thought that was a weird line. He might be the most under-respected, decent quarterback out there. Fringe charter, yeah. Tyrod Taylor, right?

Yeah, I agree. You got doctors trying to kill him with needles. I think they're trying to make him the guinea pig for the first vaccine way back a year ago. And he goes out there, and he just lights it up. Like, oh, yeah, they do have cooks on this team. Like, yeah, someone could throw to him. And I don't know.

Everyone chalked that up. I still think the Texans are going to be bad. I still like our bet, or my bet. It was a fandled bet. Texans and Lions both under four and a half wins. But I think you're right about the division as a whole. It was such a fixed thing that Tennessee, who had won the division last year and got Julio Jones and got these defensive parts, were still a coin flip to win.

I was like, ah, that doesn't seem right. So yeah, your guess is as good as mine and anybody else's who takes it. Tennessee looked horrible. Yeah. Like their defense, which they allegedly fixed and made better looked worse. I think we think of like Janoris Jane. Oh,

they signed Janoris Jenkins. Like, and then you look, he's like, oh, he's like 49th best at the, at the position, according to PFF or whatever it ended up being.

And then they got, you know, the, the guy from the Steelers who had the torn ACL. So, uh, but the pre, but yeah. Yeah. So then you, so you have them the guy from the Steelers who had the torn ACL. So, but Dupree, but yeah. So then you have them.

Not sure what to make of them. Plus new upheaval in the coaching staff. There's already been some COVID stuff with them. You have the Colts who I always thought they had an awesome offensive line, but the game today, it did not seem that way. Right. I thought they either the Seahawks have a front seven that's way better than we were giving them credit for or the Colts offensive line, not as good, but they just, they got

their asses kicked by the Seahawks. Yeah. So you think about it, like, I don't know. We thought the NFC East might be the worst division coming into this. Now it's like, to me, it's either the NFC North or the AFC South. Yeah. The Vikings also look terrible. The Bears aren't good.

Detroit's terrible. And if the Packers aren't that good, there's like a half good, half good team in that division. The AFC East is definitely better than the NFC North. Well, after we do this or after we do guess the lines or something, we should,

there's always a shocking O and two team, right? So we're going to have to, we're gonna have to figure that out. There might be like three of them this year, just the way this season rolls. Well, there's also,

there's a shocking Game 1 result that then seems ridiculous. And we had a couple today. But one of them is Houston beating Jacksonville and then Conceiva. Like last year, we had... Didn't Jacksonville win in Week 1 and then they never won again?

Right. So now it's been a year since they've won. Right. And this is Trevor Lawrence's... And that's it. Yeah, that's true. That could be it. I mean, that's likely.

But Trevor Lawrence, this is his first loss in a regular season game ever, like starting with that in high school. Do you hear that? Is that right? I think I read that somewhere. Even if it's not right, it's a great stat. I'll say this.

We only watched a little of that Houston-Jacksonville game, but I read up on it after just to see, you know, like if it was just Houston kicking their ass or whatever. And everybody was talking about how sloppy they were. Yeah. They just didn't seem ready for the season, all this stuff. And it made me think like, House and I talked about this a couple of pods ago.

These college coaches come in and sometimes they just suck. Like the state, it's Steve Spurrier syndrome where they come in and college coaches are used to working nine to five. They have the best athletes on the planet and they can kind of put in some system and just by sheer talent can demolish people. Yeah, every best player is on your team. You're not going to get that. And also just psychologically, you don't have too many bosses when you're the college coach, right? Like, you're going to have to hear it from a lot of people in the pro ranks

in addition to the fans. I told you last week, Urban Meyer, you give me a year and a half, I might take under if I had, like, decent odds on something like that. I think the action's gone up in that. All right, give me another overreaction. Baker Mayfield is never going to be better than he is right now. I like that one. I just think, I don't know where that puts him.

Does that put him at Phil Rivers where, all right, they'll get far, they'll win a game in the playoffs every now and then. So he's in Phil Rivers' territory. That's not good. It's not true because Phil Rivers is a borderline Hall of Famer. Who's less than that? I don't know. Maybe it's an overall Browns thing.

We know they're not terrible now. They're not going to go 4-13 in the next few years or anything like that. Could it be Andy Dalton? Yeah. But, uh... Right.

Andy Dalton on the Bengals where it was just like, okay, you can make the playoffs. Right in there. Like a Schaub thing. What was it? Matt Schaub kind of thing. Matt Schaub.

Right in there, I think. Like, he's the Shakeys. He should host the Shakeys Bowl even though that division is good and they wanted..., they would get a better seat or something, but I don't, I don't see it. I don't see him winning big games. And I know the chiefs are world beaters and that's a hard place to win. But, um, I think this is it. They're stuck in this tough division and Baker can only do so much, no matter how good he looks in the beginning, throwing the guys we've never heard of Schwartz and doing that without Odell. I just

think this is the best we're getting from Baker. He's got the contract coming up, right? I would think most AFC North fans would want the Browns to re-sign Baker. It seems like there's enough serviceable

starting quarterbacks at this point. You saw this year, Bridgewater, Jameis Winston, Tyrod Taylor. These are the three guys who are kind of available for people. And I guess my question from Cleveland is, if you just send, every year there's three or four of those guys, would you just rather take a flyer on one of those guys over paying somebody $110 million?

Plus new guys coming in from college, right? 4% better than those guys. That would be my fear. I thought that was the worst loss of the day just for a team that's got to be kicking themselves as the Patriots because I just thought they were better

and they just shot themselves in the foot. Dumb penalties and dumb turnovers and over and over again. The dumbest penalty went in your face. Lunging at someone's leg. You have to figure out where someone's plant leg and dumb turnovers and dumb penalties. The dumbest penalty went in your face. Wow. All right. Lunging at someone's leg. We had 100 penalties.

You have to figure out where someone's plant leg is. That was crazy. Wow. You know, know the rules. You're happy with Mack Jones though, right? I'm very happy with Mack Jones,

but that was like one of those games where it's like, man, I can't believe we blew that, but the Browns was the other one. They were, you know,

they, for three quarters, they were where they needed to be. Mahomes did Mahomes shit and had the 75 yard touchdown. He just is able to pull out of his ass. He's so great. But the bottom line is it was like the playoffs last year.

If the Browns put together a drive, they win the game. Fourth quarter, under 10 minutes left, like get some first downs. They couldn't do it. And then they get the ball back again with a chance to win and he throws it away. So it's a weird thing. It reminded me of last year.

Maybe the Chiefs defense is a bad. I mean, everyone focused on that offensive line, which was so miserable in the Super Bowl and like, oh, they have to replace and they seem to do a good job replay. They did a nice job, right? But that defense is still so suspect. There'll be 10 games a year where you look at it. You're like, oh man, they can give up 50 points

and like I was like, listen to like a size and or someone at halftime. They're like, that's what Stefanski's got to do. He's got to put his foot on the gas. It doesn't matter what he does. Running Chubb is kind of putting your foot on the gas too. They're giving up everything, like anything. And then they really buckle down in the second half or like Baker just doesn't know how to put good teams away.

I'm not sure which it is, but I'm starting to lean towards the latter. See, I was encouraged by the Browns because I thought they were on the same level as the Chiefs. The Chiefs beat them today. But from a talent standpoint, the moves that they made in the offseason, they had a couple injuries during the game.

But for the most part, it just felt like a really close game that either team could have won. So at least they know they belong. But I'm with you. I don't trust Baker Mayfield. I didn't think he was going to come through at the end. So I think that's a fair overreaction. Boy, this is a great one. I'm going to defend my next overreaction.

2021's biggest fantasy bust? Derrick Henry. Oh, no. I haven't been two leagues. You haven't? I've been in two leagues where you paid lots of money for him. There were a lot of signs. There was the old Aaron Schatz curse of 370 with the running backs two years in a row. I've been in two leagues where you paid lots of money for them. There were a lot of signs.

There was the old Aaron Schatz curse of 370 with the running backs two years in a row. Incredible use. No Arthur Smith anymore. You don't like first and goal from the four-inch line? He can't get in twice? Right. You weren't impressed with that? Offensive line is definitely worse.

They might be playing from behind more this year because they're not that good. And when you think about the, I'm going to define the true fantasy bust, like those eight, nine guys every year that go for like 45 bucks or more. Or if you're in a booger eater league, one of your first seven

picks, if you're eating boogers and picking by round. But I think he's the favorite. The Zeke thing, I'm not panicking. I just think that was a game where it's like you throw the ball to win that game. I think he's the favorite. The Zeke thing, I'm not panicking. I just think that was a game where it's like, you throw the ball to win that game. I think Zeke will be heard from this season. But Derek Henry, I'd be nervous.

All right. I'm a little nervous. Yeah, I'd rather be nervous about a dumb fantasy league than Zeke's career being over for sure. Room for the Cowboys. I think Zeke's in shape this year. I always like when professional athletes make $25 billion a year. They're like, no, no, he's in shape this year.

It's like, oh, great. Literally, his only job is to stay in shape. I just want to know, like, does it bother him as much as it bothers me when Tony Pollard's hitting the holes much harder and much faster and much everything better than he was doing in hard knocks? Because it bugs me. So, I don't know. He seems to be okay with it.

Any other overreactions? Just that I'm going to jump off a won't maybe it won't be a bridge maybe it'll just be like a three-story building if um i ever take the the falcons again over or in a game or any can we cross them off the playoff team i know we um we typically wait a few weeks before we cross anyone up but what the hell you talk you talk about like not betting unders why didn't we bet not betting on theirs. Why didn't we bet the on theirs? We knew that. Why don't we bet the Falcons? Every year, you and I. And I don't even know how they lost that game.

I mean, they never had the ball. We need to come up with a name for something. Whenever you look up at the screen, they never have the ball. They're always playing defense. What's a movie where you're like, oh, where's the part where Brad Pitt comes in? I'm trying to think. Maybe our listeners can help us with something like that. Yeah, that's good.

Because we came up with the Goodfellas thing last year. Yeah, that was good. That looks too easy. You nailed that. But it's tough. I'm like, oh, wow. Quarter El Patterson's. They're kind of, they're running back here.

This is interesting. All of a sudden, the Eagles look fast. And Jalen Hurts is just a top echelon quarterback. And they couldn't stop them. They couldn't. How does that offense not score? The Eagles' defense is average. They have some good position players in the secondary,

but my God, at home and with Arthur Smith, like you said, I don't know, maybe he helped Derrick Henry. He's not helping this team right now. I have some Falcons thoughts. I want to take a quick break because we watched the game with Rembrandt Brown, Falcons fan, and I have two stories from that, but we're going to take a quick break because we watched the game with remember brown falcons fan and i have two stories from that but we're taking a quick break how can you be sure your child is making the right decision when choosing the university the smart approach is to look at the facts like the fact that york u graduates have a 90 employer

satisfaction rate that's because across its three gta campuses york use programs are strategically designed to prepare students for a meaningful career and long-term success join us in creating positive change at yorku.ca write the future what does possible sound like for your business it's having the spend to powers your scale with no preset spending limit. More cash on hand to grow your business with up to 55 interest-free days. And the ability to reach further with access to over 1,400 airport lounges worldwide.

Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. All right, coming back. Sal mentioned the Falcons. So, Rembrandt Brown came over to watch the game. You know, it's been a big year for Atlanta.

They had Trey Young, who Rem said is Michael Vick level popular. When Michael Vick was good on the Falcons, like that kind of level popular in Atlanta right now. That Hawks run. It's a pro wrestler now. Yeah. Right. And moving into this Falcon season,

all the good karma, the goodwill, everyone's fired up. So he comes over. First two drives, they move down the field. Field goal. Then the next drive, first and goal from the two. Up, false start. Up, holding. Matt Ryan, another field goal. And you just

kind of knew, and then Philly's running around and, and remember it was just like, this is Groundhog day. Like this is the same Falcons thing for five years. So we started talking about Matt Ryan because Matt Ryan just gets a little worse every year, but still looks competent. But then there's like those five, six plays where you go, Oh yeah. Anything, anything where he has to create because something went awry, it goes badly. And you know,

so we were talking, I was like, what stage, what he's kind of like sun shack. I said to him, and then we decided that the 10 stages of shack could explain any athlete's career. Cause I was like, he's kind of sun shack and REM's like,

no, I don't know. He might be washedashed Miami Shack. So the 10 stages of Shack are Rookie Shack, Peak Orlando Shack, Early Laker Shack, Apex Shack,

Late Laker Shack, Peak Miami Shack, Washed Miami Shack, Sun Shack, Cleveland Shack, and Celtic Shack. And we were saying Shack is the perfect guy

to use as the parallel for whatever your aging athlete's career is. I think Matt Ryan right now is son Shaq. What do you say? Is there a version of Shaq where he trips over the wires on Inside the NBA and they play that clip over and over and over? What version is that? Because I think Matt Ryan might be approaching that. Inside the NBA Shaq, maybe.

Yeah, that's it. But Kyle Pitts must be like, what? Kyle Pitts that's it. But, I mean, Kyle Pitts must be like, Kyle Pitts had 31 yards. I bid $31 on Kyle Pitts. He can't have as many yards as I bid dollars on someone like that. I don't know. I just expected so much more out of their offense. Were you expecting Pitts to wear the wide receiver shoulder pads

and he looked like he was like 180 pounds? Why do you do that? Yeah. Wouldn't you want to look as masked, you know, get the spray tan and everything like in professional wrestling.

You want to look, I keep bringing up professional wrestling, but yeah. Yeah, you want to look like a heel, don't you? Yeah. I thought he was going to be

like this Grant Kelsa guy. I mean, I know in college he wasn't big either, but I just thought, but anyway, I was so bummed out and then Rem was like, you know,

we could have taken Justin Fields. We could have taken Mack Jones. Those guys were sitting there and like Pitts is generational tight end. I get it.

But you had this chance at Fields turns out to be good. That's really going to haunt Atlanta. I think, you know, they could have even

moved back a few picks, whatever. I, my point is I, I thought that Ryan with some weapons might be enough, but I did too.

The other side of it is, as a Cowboys fan, I hope the Falcons are terrible now, even though I have thousands of dollars on them over wins and to make the playoffs and this and that. I hope they're bad because the flip side is the Eagles are good. Is that possible? They look fast as shit.

Let's talk about this. Let's talk about this. I asked Ben Solak because he's a Philly guy. He just started working for us. He knows them inside out. And I feel like he would be honest about it. And he's like, not sure.

There was some gimmick stuff they ran offensively that teams might be able to figure out. I'm with you. I thought they had talent all over the place. Oh, man. They could rush a passer. They had multiple weapons.

Watkins, Smith, Goddard was great. Miles Sanders, they kept getting him in space. He was always going diagonal. And this coach, I realized the reason I didn't like the team was just because of that coach's first press conference. Yeah, right. And maybe he just got nervous. Maybe he just blew it.

Maybe he had a bad day, but... You know, maybe that's it. Maybe that's the thing. You throw someone off the scent by pretending you're a crazy person or just not into it. You know, like, oh, this guy's nuts. This team doesn't know. Like, behind the scenes, he's like, up till five in the morning, scheming with good assistant coaches, making

sense. Well, that was my next overreaction for you is the Eagles are winning the NFC East. Yeah. You could defend this one pretty easily. You could say, look, nobody's good in this division. The Redskins defense, this was a case a few people have made. Their defense

actually, if you went through the games where their defense was awesome last year, the quarterbacks were really bad. I told you this. Yeah, you did this. Yeah, they had Hurts, they had Dalton, they had that guy Mullins. Yeah, you did this. Yeah, they had Hurts. They had Dalton. They had that guy Mullins. Yeah, right. So if they're a write-off,

then your team, which is just going to be a shootout every game. Right. I don't see your defense really holding the fort. Coaching's a little shaky. But yeah, maybe.

I certainly did not expect the Eagles to be good this year, but maybe they will be. I mean, this is a great coaching job if he does it, because they were $33 million they have in dead cap. They're still paying Carson Wentz. So if they're able to crack this formula, this is even better than the Carson Wentz Super Bowl year

or the Nick Foles Super Bowl year. Yeah, that's why I didn't feel 100% strongly about that as an overreaction. But we'll know this week. But it's worth mentioning. They play the Niners, so we'll know much better this week. I will say this. If you're a Philly fan, you have to be totally fired up because Kyle and I were talking about it.

Rembrandt, I think, was still here, but we were talking about Hurts just looked like a star. And I remember saying last week, I was like, I just need to see it. I'm not against it, but I can see Minshew in there in week six. I don't know what to expect, but let's see it. They spent the whole offseason building offense around him. Went to know when to take off.

That kind of thing is what you put aside from season one. It looks like he's learned a little better with that stuff. They passed the eye test, that's for sure. They really did. End of the first half when it looked like they'd kind of screwed up their chance to get a touchdown.

And then they got the touchdown anyway. It was really impressive. And they never didn't have the ball. I don't know. Every time I looked up, we need a name for that. When do you play them? Yeah, we got to come up

with a name for that. I'm looking up, you play them week three, Monday night. Yeah, it's coming up. And that's after the Chargers game, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't get very easy. Yeah, so better than I thought.

I'm glad we talked about the Eagles. That was one. The Jameis thing, I wasn't surprised that their offense was going to look good. Callaway really didn't do anything after all the preseason talk. And I, you know, didn't do that much, but going to look good. Callaway really didn't do anything after all the preseason talk. And I, you know, didn't do that much, but it didn't matter. They had guys all over the place.

Arizona and Kyler Murray, we mentioned. The rookie receivers would usually take, I don't know, eight, nine weeks before those guys kick in. All those guys did something. Chase was huge in the Bengals game. Yeah.

Waddle was scary. I got to say, going against Waddle, they kept using him in these quick pass stuff and quick slants and just kind of trying to get him in that space. And he was terrifying. Right. I will say, you have to be a little annoyed.

I don't know if we discussed this last week, but if Flores blew this game, this is as easy as it's going to get going into Foxborough. You get Mac Jones' first game, his very first game. It's 76 degrees, not 38 degrees. Like, all right, Miami,

if you're a real team, you better win this. And whatever, they won by one. So I guess it counts. I thought their defense, even though they weren't pressuring, they lost their nose tackle I think in the first half.

They weren't pressuring Mac kind of as much in the second half, but their secondary was really good in that game. I thought they kind of blanketed our receivers. They made a couple of big breakup plays. They were really, you know, putting hats on the ball, got a couple of turnovers.

How far along in Damian Harris' bust were you, I know you were like, Gary, get me some plaster of Paris. I know you and Kyle were putting together the bust for Canton, for Damien Harris. How far along were you before he fumbled that ball? I still love Damien Harris. The loss hurt.

I'm not going to lie. Getting in. I blame myself because they got first down on the 10 and I started thinking about the cover because I had the Pats minus three. And I'm like, we need the touchdown. We didn't need a touchdown. We just needed to run three plays

and then kick a field goal. Harris,, he had 23 carries for a hundred yards. He had two receptions as well. I actually think they used him too much. I thought he was, I thought he started a wear down as the game went along. He took a couple of big hits. He had one where the guy ripped the helmet off. And the problem is I think they thought Ramondre Stevenson was going to be the Nick Chubb type. I mean, I'm sorry, the Kareem Hunt type who kind of came in,

changed the pace, could carry them for serious. He came in, he fumbled immediately. He got blown up. He got blown up on that, that play that they, when Mack almost blew

at his knees that they called the penalty. He got blown up on that block and then we never saw him again. Belichick was like, all right, you're out. They brought in Brandon. He might be out, out.

He might be out. Well, yeah, he fumbled. Cut these guys. Yep, all right, you're out. They brought in Brandon Bolden at one point. He might be out. Yeah, he fumbled. Cut these guys. The cardinal mistake. Don't fumble if you're a Belichick running back. But anyway, I thought Harris was a little worn down and I don't think he's meant to be a 25-carry game guy. That's a lot of carries for a Bill Belichick running back, right? No question. I thought

from a Patriots standpoint, front seven looked great. We have a real problem without Gilmore. They picked on, you know, it's so funny. This guy, Jalen Mills, that the Eagles, they got from the Eagles. And every Eagle fan I know is like, that guy sucks. Can't believe Belichick traded for him. He sucks.

And then you get him and the Dolphins just went at him the entire game. One time he made a play, he broke up a touchdown in the end zone, but it was basically the guy was running out of end zone and had to slow down. He tipped it. But that's a hole.

That's the biggest hole in the team right now is that cornerback spot. Other than that, I thought they looked good. I was really psyched with how Mack looked. Did you see that wheel route he threw in the second half? I did. Oh my God. I know.

I want him to be bad, even though I have money on them, too. They come through, these guys. They all look decent. They all really did look decent. Even Trey Lance in the little time he was in looked good. Honestly, I know people are like, oh, get Dalton out of there. I thought Nagy might be

fired in four weeks or something, but I think he did the right thing. Put Justin Fields in situational spots that are going to benefit him against this Rams defense, the only team that didn't allow 300 points last year. Like, yeah, don't go too crazy here. They're going to lose the game anyway.

I think the Pats can win the division from what I saw from Buffalo today. Wow. Not to overreact on the Buffalo thing, but I just don't think their defense is that good. And offensively, I don't know. I didn't even feel like the Steelers played that well, did you? I don't know.

It wasn't like they were moving the ball around like crazy. Their defense looked good, but offensively, I didn't think they looked that good. It was a strange game. They were moving the ball, but couldn't put points up in the first half, right? So I was like, what did it get to? 10-0? I was like, if this gets to 13-0, it's over. But I don't know.

They held Harris to 45 yards rushing. Ben didn't have a tremendous game. He was still under 200 yards. It was just a weird outcome. We knew one of Buffalo or Cleveland might be a little overhyped. Right. Might be Buffalo. Right.

I don't know. If you had to bet the AFC East right now, Buffalo, Miami, New England, you would still take Buffalo? I'd still take Buffalo. Okay. I would take New England. I really would. I think New England...

Really? I think they... It was a weirdly impressive 17-16 loss. They had a million dumb penalties and really untimely turnovers and still should have won. Well, I think I felt the same way about the Cowboys. Like, all right, this is a

9-8 team. I had no way I thought they were going to win when Brady got the ball with a little more than a minute left. I was like, yeah, this is a loss. He had three passes to waste at the end. He threw them out of bounds. Should have been grounding, by the way. But I'm like, the question is... The third one should have been grounding. You're right.

Yeah, well, they do. But the big question is, are the Giants going to beat Tampa? Is Washington going to beat Tampa? Is Washington going to beat Tampa? Is Philly going to make the cut? I don't think so, really. So I don't feel like the Cowboys really lost the game on any of those teams. What did you think of Tua today?

Because it felt very gimmicky to me. It was a very carefully orchestrated game plan where he made decisions very quickly. And anytime we had them in 38, 39, 30, 10, I don't know what the stats were, but it felt like we stopped them every time. Yeah, for sure. Anytime he had to audible to a second thing, there was a couple quotes from JC

Jackson after the game I was surprised by where they were talking about the pick they got. And they were like, yeah, we knew if he doesn't have his first guy, he's throwing it up for grabs, which is a weird thing to say about a team you're playing again. But you can kind of see why they kept sniffing around Deshaun Watson. They must know that it's a little...

He threw a really bad interception. But I'm going to give your defense credit and I'll let Tua live to see another week. Also, maybe they added the extra week so we don't have to overreact week one. Like, yeah, take a break from overreacting. You get another 16 weeks. I love overreacting.

I know. It's great. I know. How can you not do it? The other worse than I thought, Rams running game looked a little shaky, but we'll know when they play a real good team how bad that is. And Pittsburgh's O-line. Poor Najee Harris played every snap.

Yeah. And yet every time he touched the ball, there were nine people on him. Right. Worse than I thought, me at Fantasy Football, because in our keeper league, my only kicker was Quinn Nordean. And he was a scratch today. Ended up losing to Connor on the Robert Woods touchdown with two minutes left.

Oh, no. You lost that? I lost by five points because I had a zero for my kicker this week. Because I am a moron. I do the same thing. But I run this other league, this East Coast league that I've been in for 30 yearser this year. I'm a moron. I do the same thing, but, you know, I run this other league, this East Coast league

that I've been in for 30 years, 31 years, and I'm like, no pickups until after the first week. That's what we did too. And Badgley, I don't know, he didn't make the team Wednesday.

I was like, oh, yeah, all right. Get a big fat zero there. But anyway, Chargers kicker still missing field goal, so it doesn't really matter. Really hurt. Worst gambling moment was San Francisco

if you had them over 8.5. 8.5 or higher, which I think was... Where did the line end up? It ended up... I'll tell you right now. That game was like 38-10 with Jared Goff on the other side, and Detroit ended up covering. It was 9.5.

Yeah. Definitely the worst pro beat, I would say. Detroit ends up covering. The underdogs were 11-4. The unders were 9-6. The Jets almost covered. That would have been weird. Who else?

Yeah, there were no real other... See, I don't want to easily... Biggest injuries. It looked like Jerry Judy broke his ankle, but now it's a high ankle sprain, they think. That was a bummer because he was dominating that game. Pats lost Trent Brown in a quarter, the right tackle.

We'll see what they do there. Mostert got hurt already. Usually waits to win four. And then the Jets lost their left tackle, Becton. And I think he's gone. That could be the worst record in the league. That's not good. I was surprised there were no COVID scratches. Right? Yeah, seriously. That's a bad one. And I think he's gone. That could be the worst record in the league. That's not good. That's not good.

I was surprised there were no COVID scratches. Right? Yeah, seriously. Only my lineman, Zach Martin, was the only decent player that got the cut. Speaking of surprising, Drew Brees' hair seemed like a change from Thursday night. It's now like a Keanu Reeves speed kind of black crew cut. Is this just going to be a new haircut each week? It's out of control.

It's Chia Pet levels now. Really, I don't know. You don't know what to expect from him. Our friend Hench had a classic line on what to expect from Drew Brees, but I don't know. I don't need any more distractions. It's a Sunday night, right? It's like a Jason Witten playbook.

They got to make him put a helmet on. Keep on your toes. He's got to put a helmet on. And then finally, the only other update I have is my dad calling Mac Jones, Mac Brown. We had one today. I don't know if he's going to be able to keep the streak through 17 weeks,

but he's like, Mac Brown looked way better in the second half than Mac Jones. I don't know how many times that's going to happen. But yeah. All right. Coming up, we're going to do a little Guest Alliance. I'm excited. I don't know how many times that's going to happen. Coming up, we're going to do a little Guest Alliance. I'm excited.

I beat you in week one. Week two is coming up in one second. Guest Alliance. We guest alliance every week. I beat you last week. I've beaten you for the last umpteen seasons. I don't get it. Thursday night, the Washington football team. You're cheating. I get it.

Washington football team playing Danny Dimes and the New York Giants. We're in year three of Danny Jones just being bad. I think he has to get rid of the Daniel. I think he has to go Danny Jones now. Something's got to change. Maybe your father will call him Dan Brown. That'll re-spark his career. Dan Jones?

We got another Jones. We got Mack. He's in there. Julio was great too. What if he's just D? D-E-E Jones. D Jones. D Jones? Yeah, maybe that's it. Something's got to change. He's just as bad as he's always been. I think the stat I saw was he has 30 fumbles and 40 turnovers now. He's fumbled

30 times. This is week one of year three, and he's had 40 turnovers total. He just can't keep the ball. His garbage time numbers aren't even that good. They were losing that whole game, and he was only still 22 for 37 with 267. Even

Goff fought back to something respectable. That would be funny if they benched him, and the coach is like, even Goff fought back to something respectable. That would be funny if they benched him and the coach was like, you know, we looked, even in garbage time, Daniel's terrible.

He's just terrible in every situation. They're playing Washington. I don't know what to do with this. I went a little high. I said Washington by six. Oh.

Is that too high? That is high. I said four. It's three and a half. On the board. That's stupid. One for me. It's three and a half. On the board. That's stupid. One for me. Did anyone watch football today?

What did Saquon do today that made you feel good? Anything? No, not a thing. Not a thing. No, I don't know how they moved the ball. I mean, Shepard caught that touchdown. It's like, oh, wow. Yeah, that's right.

I think he's the longest tenured giant at 18 months or something crazy. No, he's been there for like three years. Longest tenured giant. He's 25. This is a bad game. Congratulations. We figured out how to make Thursday Night Football bad. I know.

We got spoiled with Tampa and Dallas, but I don't know what to expect. I will say this. Washington, like everyone you touched on, like everyone leaned on that defense. They have a horrible quarterback situation. You don't know what you're getting, like which good month you're getting out of Fitz magic. And now you end up getting a quarter. Like whether he has a hip injury now,

now you have Taylor Heineke and that team was two and eight without Alex Smith last year. So now great. You have a good defense. How are you going to move the ball? It's pretty rough. Did they pass on Mac Jones and Justin Fields? No, they, they were not. No, they couldn't have gotten good defense. How are you going to move the ball? It's pretty rough. Did they pass on Mac Jones and Justin Fields? No.

They were... No, no. Yeah, they couldn't have gotten those. They made the playoffs. Yeah. I'll tell you this. If you know any Washington fans, when Heineke came in for Fitzpatrick,

none of them were upset. I tried to get House going. Yeah, but we tried on the text chain. He didn't flinch. No, didn't flinch. All right. Sunday marquee game. I forgot to mail you my pick,

so you didn't even know what I picked for the Sunday marquee game. That's all right. You cheat anyway. Go ahead. I think it's Dolphins-Bills. I think that's the best game on Sunday. So I picked that for marquee. And I am going with the Dolphins minus one over the Bills.

Oh, wow. We get another one. I said Bills by two, and it's Bills. Oh, wow. We got another one. I said Bills by two, and it's Bills by three. All right, that's stupid. Why is that stupid? So you think the Bills could go 0-2? I mean, they obviously could go 0-2,

but that wouldn't surprise you? I wouldn't be surprised at all. Hmm. I think the Dolphins could absolutely beat the Bills. I bet this line moves down. I bet there's sharp money in the Dolphins. And I bet this ends at Bills by one on game time. I don't think we're going to see too many bad Josh Allen games in a row.

He is bad. All right. The watchables. I think you're right. I mean, I guess Dallas Chargers is a fun watchables. I think you're right. I mean, I guess Dallas Chargers is a fun one, but I think you hit the right one for Marquis. Let's do Dallas Chargers. I had that one next.

Okay. It's in LA. Yeah. There will be 90% Cowboy fans. What do you think? Yeah, I think. Out of 100? 92%?

Yeah. 8% Chargers fans, 92% Cowboys fans? Yeah, I think so. Out of 100? 92%? 8% Chargers fans, 92% Cowboys fans? Yeah, I think so. Because I went to San Diego a few years ago and it was like 75. And at least there were fans there. So that made me not know what to pick with this line. So I picked Chargers by two and a half. Wow. Nailed it.

I went the other way. I considered all the Cowboys jerseys in the crowd. I considered their own one, not a lot of leeway. And I thought Cowboys by one and a half, but you're right. It's chargers by two and a half. I thought that was a nice chargers win today.

You did. Because yeah, because it was, I thought Herbert was bailed out a little bit. He was, but they, they didn't play well and they pulled it out. And I'm just comparing it to this.

That was the kind of game they've lost for the last five years. Right? Right. We're not playing that well. Neither is the other team. But then in the last minute, block kick. Something, yeah. Some extra point mishap or some turnover.

It helps when the guy who's not taking first team reps has to come in. You know, I mean, right? Like if Fitzpatrick does stay in, maybe they do win that game. I thought their defense looked good. I liked the team camaraderie. It seemed like they liked their coach. They were super excited for him when he won Staley. So, yeah, I think that line probably drops to two.

But I think it's two, two and a half. I think that's where it stays most of the week. All right. Better win this game. You know, a lot of people have been saying you can't give Mike McCarthy 10 days, 10 days, whether it's to prepare for a team or pass gas, give him a 10 day contract. You can't give Mike McCarthy 10 days for really anything. I mean, how did he get away with attempting that 60-yard field goal? Like, how did Brady not make him pay? Like, right before the half. Like, he's made so many people pay before.

I love these coaches that approach each field goal situation completely differently without a common sort of plan. Like, even today, the Bears game, the guy went for it on two fourth downs, Nagy. And then he had a fourth and two when they were behind on the Rams side of the field. He's like, nope, this time we're punting.

It's like, how's your team even going to know what to do game to game when you can't make up your mind? See, that's the wheel you're spinning there. Because I think it can get its own name. I have this as a watchables Rams Colts. It's,

it's in Indianapolis. I love watching the Rams. I think this Stafford thing is really fun. I love hearing the announcers talk about Stafford. Like he was trapped with the worst girlfriend ever for 10 years and went out and met somebody on Tinder. And now he's like madly in love. Um, Colts might not be good. went out and met somebody on Tinder and now he's like madly in love. Colts might not be good.

I had this either as Rams three or Rams three and a half, but I got conservative. Rams by three for me. All right. That's exactly. I said Rams by four. Oh, that's very fair. Okay.

I don't know what to make of this Colts team. I think I need a month to see what's going to be with this Colts team. Because Seattle just seemed to be able to do whatever they wanted against them. And that defense was the only thing that was going to keep them in this division and hunt for the playoffs. And if that's not there, maybe Russell Wilson's just great again. We're still great.

Mr. September. Yeah. Right. I wanted more from the Rams defense against the Bears, especially because I have them on multiple fantasy teams. September. Yeah, right. I wanted more from the Rams defense against the Bears, especially because I have them on multiple fantasy teams. It was good, not great. I wouldn't call them completely dominant. I actually thought the Bears moved the ball on them a little bit

and got some third downs they shouldn't have gotten, stuff like that. I was not that impressed. Were you? No, I wasn't. I thought it would be the same way. I mean, Montgomery is better than I guess any of us remember right I know we finished off the season last year

pretty solid but you know if you could take some pressure off the quarterback obviously the Bears have never had a good quarterback in the last half century they haven't had anyone who excelled at the position so a good running back would help but yeah the Rams I thought there'd be

some strip sacks and some turnovers and I didn't see a lot of it. I don't know who the best defense is this year. Like in fantasy, if you could start over and have any defense the rest of the way, who would you pick?

It might be the Steelers. Don't forget, like TJ Watt. Yeah. Wasn't just sparingly like, you know, Josh Allen, that's a high power offense and they shut it down pretty good. Yeah, we always talk after week two because

there's a couple fork in the road things like Eagles Falcons is a good example. The Eagles might not be good. The Falcons might be horrible. So as you're thinking about week two, you have to think like the two scenarios for what the result was. Bill Steelers, maybe the Steelers defense is incredible. Right. And that's why the Bills didn't Steelers, maybe the Steelers defense is incredible.

Right. And that's why the Bills didn't look that good and the Bills are going to come out and kill the Dolphins. I don't know what to expect. Next watchables, ironically, the Eagles. They're home. Playing San Francisco. Yep.

I have the 49ers favored by three in Philly. I got this exact two. No lying here. Three and a half. 49 three in Philly. I got this exact too. No lying here. Three and a half. 49ers at Philly. One of these two teams is going to be 2-0. Could this be the Philly team

that goes 2-0? We'll be most surprised that they're 2-0 and most surprised that the team is 0-2. We're going to have to sort that out after this. Some weird 49ers stuff today.

They scratched Trey Sermon, who was a guy who was going for like 12 to 15 bucks as the backup running back. He's just out. Mostert gets hurt. Who is the guy who became the star? Elijah Mitchell, the Louisiana running back. So he'll be the big free agent guy

unless he's somebody picking him up late in your draft. And then they scratched Ayuk. Right. Who went for big money. He was just trying to send a message. And he was like, you're sitting today. They don't care about our auction drafts. They really don't care, these coaches.

I think Shanahan was mad because Schefter had that thing about how the Niners traded up to three, partly so the Pats couldn't get Mac Jones, but then they fell in love with Trey Lance. And then everybody's reading that going, so you love Mac Jones. You could have just had him at 12.

Saved your other two first-round picks. Instead, you traded up to take a guy who's not starting for you. What are you guys doing? Yeah, right. I continue to think that was misplayed. It might have been misplayed. I think he misplayed i think he would just i think honestly he should go the other way he should just lie to everyone at every press conference and then when they're like oh no wait well you didn't say that like yeah that's right

i lie about everything what are you gonna do about yeah i'm a liar yeah that's it next question exactly he's like tommy flanagan you got nothing for me but they have this guy surefield too didn't he have a he caught a touchdown like yeah oh. They could really, between Samuel and Elijah Mitchell, like, now they have... This reminds me of that Niners team that just plug and play. Everyone you put in that offense, it just lights up.

Steelers are home against the Raiders. Tough one, because we haven't seen the Raiders yet. I went a little conservative. I did Steelers by six and a half at home against Vegas. Because this is three in a row for me now. I had six and a half also and it is six

and a half. They're asking us to tease this, Sal. I'm not biting. Roethlisberger continues to frighten me in any tease. I do want to say people get on us for making teasers, but let's celebrate it a little more. Niners-Rams. Just looked at it, did it, didn't think about it, right?

Didn't have to worry about that stupid Detroit comeback. Didn't have to worry about third quarter, if the Bears had scored again to make it 24-17, whatever. Teasers are good. Root for a team to win. I did it. So I had Niners, Rams, and Million Dollar Picks. That was the big winner.

Good job by you. In real life, I had that. But I also had them with the Bucs and a seven-point tease. Oh, to get to down to two or one and a half? Down to like a half. Right. Then you and I talked Thursday, and you were saying how you thought the Cowboys could keep it close.

And I started thinking about it. The line had moved up to nine and a half. So I went the other way. I grabbed the Cowboys at like 16 and a half. So I somehow middled that. So all three teases won. The only reason I'm saying this is I'm guaranteed to lose a tease next week. Because that never works out when you make three giant teases and win all of them.

No, I'm definitely losing. So I might tease the Steelers just to screw over the Steelers fans. Damn shot. All right. Last one. Last watchables. Five watchables.

And I think these are all watchable. Yeah. I think the Saints have to be in the watchables unless they're playing a bad team. I really loved watching them today. I enjoyed Jameis. They're in Carolina. I think you missed one,

but let's do this one. Okay. Definitely another watchable in there. But good. They're in Carolina. I think you missed one, but let's do this one. This is definitely another watchable. They're in Carolina. I think the Saints should be favored, and I'm going to have them favored by one and a half. I said two, and it's three.

Whoa! You're killing me. I'm doing all right here. Six to two. Saints by three. The Carolina win was not impressive. It wasn't. It was not a Sam Darnold revenge game. On the revenge scale, it was like a one and a half out of ten. Right. But he was

okay. He was all right. He didn't throw an interception. Boy, what a safety valve. You forget that McCaffrey is just going to get close to 200 yards a game, like on the ground and in the air. If you're Sam Darnold, like that's the guy I need.

Get me on that team. I don't even care how many games we win. That's the kind of player I need to push my numbers up to get my confidence back. And oh yeah, and put the Jets on the schedule was my first game. But you're right. It wasn't a three touchdown.

They were in it. Zach Wilson could have been the hero, but they just held on. The Saints, I think that one's real. And it was all the things when you made the case for it versus against it about how limited they were with Breeze in some respects. It's just Jameis opens up a lot of stuff

Sean Payne could do now. Not to sound like generic talking head, but it's just like, it was way more fun to watch than this year than last year. Didn't you think? I think so. And that's why like with NBC,

when they have Breeze on, it's like, hey man, you were just made to look foolish by Winston or just through five touchdown passes. And also your hair is freaking everyone out. Maybe you come back middle of the season

when the Saints are three and five or something. Your hair is making us think you should be standing behind Sandra Bullock going, stand or get off. Right. I know they can't do this on studio shows, but it would have been funny. They don't have any chemistry yet. They just started.

Come on. Deep down, it hurts a little. It would have been nice if Jameis threw one pick. Not the five TDs and zero picks. That's it for the watchables. No, hold on. Well, Tennessee-Seattle is watchable. You don't think so?

From what we saw from Tennessee today, would you put them in the watchable category? Well, it's watchable because it's really, of course, it's not a must win, especially in that division. But if they have to get it together, still good fantasy players all over the place. All right, fine.

Go ahead. What'd you have it at? I mean, I was off by two points with this one. What do you think? Well, it's in Seattle. Mm-hmm. I don't know if you've heard of the 12th man or Mr. September Russell Wilson.

I have Seahawks by seven. Oh, okay. You still get it. All right. So I was off two points. I said three and a half. Dumb, Russell Wilson. I have Seahawks by seven. Oh, so we're... Okay, you still get it. All right, so I was off two points. I said three and a half. Dumb, dumb guess. It's five and a half. You're off by one and a half points,

so you get it. You're right. 12th man, even though they were seven and one at home with no fans last year, 12th man is going to make a difference. And so we think the Colts... I'm sorry, the Titans will be 0-2.

Here's a good way to think about this one. Every September, we have the overreaction Super Bowl team that we decide is going to the Super Bowl. It could be the Seahawks. If you look at the way this shakes out, you know, where

somebody's 4-0 and then we go, oh, maybe MVP and do the whole thing. But if you look at their schedule right now, so they take care of this game. They'd be 2-0. They're at Minnesota

week three. Minnesota sucks. I don't know if you saw them today, but that Zimmer is definitely a first coach fired candidate. At 49ers week four. They win that game and they're 4-0.

That's when it starts. Oh, Seattle. Right. Pete Carroll. Dude, again, heading into Rams Thursday night football week five.

That Thursday, oh, Seattle. Who knows? This could be it. I think that's the team. I think that's the overreaction September team this year. That's smart.

Let's not forget, they definitely have one score games in them. All these, everything you just read is going to be a one score game in the fourth quarter. They just took a break from that today. All right, now we're going to the barely watchables.

I have five. My team is the first one. They're playing the Jets. I think the Jets just have to be a barely watchable at all times. I got, it's in New York or New Jersey. It can't go to 10. It can? I have a nine.

I have pats by nine over the Jets. Oh my God, you're such a homer. You're such a homer. You lost to the Dolphins today. I had four and a half and it's three and a half. Such a homer. It's two rookie quarterbacks.

Calm down. You're on the road. Calm down. Nine. Alright. Can I defend myself now? Yeah, please. After your attack? Please. You're going to prison if you don't. The Jets are horrible. They lost the best player on the team today.

Their left tackle. They couldn't block before they lost that guy. They have no blocking at all for their rookie quarterback. And they're going against Belichick, who loves killing the Jets. And you're probably going to have 20,000 Boston fans there. All right. That's fine.

This will go to seven. I'm going to defend myself. You and I will be throwing this in a tease. I'm going to defend myself. You're going to get a call about 440 Pacific Time on Sunday from your father. You say, why the fuck

can't Mack Brown beat this Jets team? What is Mack Brown doing? Why does Mack Brown want to crush our souls here? Why does Damien Woody keep fumbling? Damien Woody. Maybe you're right. I mean, I don't know.

You think this goes up to seven? Four and a half? Three and a half? I'm putting the Pats. I'm parlaying or teasing the Pats. They're not losing the Jets. They're not going 0-2. Telling you.

Kyle, turn the overhead camera on. The Patriots are not going 0-2. We need a shocking 0-2 team, though. It's not going to be the Patriots. We're going to have to look at it after we're done. You are done. Next one. Browns are home playing the

possibly, maybe frisky Texans. I had the Browns by 8. Yeah, I said 10. It's 12 and a half. 12 and a half. What is going on? I'm way off on these lines. This is ridiculous. Well, I think they didn't really overreact to week one.

And so the Browns are supposed to win, what, 10 games? And Houston's supposed to win four. So I don't know if they're doing power ratings like that. Yeah, but Tyra Taylor can get some garbage time touchdowns. He could. He could. All right. Way off on that.

I won't be off on this one. Broncos at Jacksonville. I was off by two and a half. You have a shot. Oh, you were? Okay. I had the Broncos by three. Yeah, that's what I said.

It's five and a half. Oh, my God. What is happening? The Broncos are down to two receivers. They're not giving these rookie quarterbacks a lot of credit for winning big or winning at all. Cards home for the Vikings. And from what we saw from the cards today and what we saw from the Vikings today, this cannot be less than five. I'm going to say five and a half.

Isn't it weird that this is not a watchable or a very watchable? This should be fun. It's three and a half. I said two and a half. So I get that one. Wow. You sure you didn't watch the game?

You sure you weren't like a girls soccer tournament in San Marino Valley or something? I watched all the games. Yeah. And that line is stupid. The Vikings are terrible. Okay.

And if Kyler's healthy, they're going to beat the Vikings. Didn't they have a weird game last year? They're home. Yeah. It's not like this game's in Minnesota. Are you going to take Minnesota plus three and a half in that game?

I just, I hate Arizona giving points. I hate Minnesota giving points. I hate Arizona giving points ever. Plus Minnesota played overtime. Yeah. Minnesota, their body language was as bad as it gets. That looks like a team that truly hates each other all over the place. I did not see any team bonding moments in that game.

The Bengals were dying to tie that game. They tied last year, right? Didn't they tie the Eagles last year? The Bengals were like, let's take a tie. Zach Towers was like, I love ties. I want more ties than Johnny Carson. Get me more. And they still blew it.

Bucks are home against the Falcons. Yikes. I don't know what to make with this because I think the Falcons, like if we're going back to the overreaction thing, who knows? Maybe they just had a bad game. But I had Bucks by eight and a half.

I said 10 and a half. It's 12 and a half. Oh man, I'm terrible. This is the worst I've done. And guess this is not good, but listen, we're going to take advantage of these lines.

Cause we're going to visit an old friend. What do we have? Uh, three more. Yeah. I'm going to visit an old friend to make some cash here. Cause I know you're 12 and a half nervous. 12 and a half.

Uh, three more poop factor. There's only one Bears Bengals it's in Chicago and I got Bears by two I went too high there I think we're gonna tie though

anyway I said five and it's three and a half alright that's a dumb line I mean I've won this week this is just stupid to go now we have the

don't get cocky Jesus I love it I don't think I'll ever lose again I can't imagine. Sunday night. Sunday night, Chiefs at Baltimore. Baltimore loses

J.K. Dobbins and Gus Edwards. They were having the rotating merry-go-round of available running backs coming in. Le'Veon Bell. Who else came in? Where was LaShawn McCoy? How did he not get an invite? Yeah, right. All those guys are coming in. Le'Veon Bell. Who else came in? Where was LaShawn McCoy? How did he not get an invite? Yeah, right. All those guys are

coming in. Cam Newton would be their best running back. Oh my God. They should sign him. I got Chiefs by three. You get this one. Congratulations. I had three and a half. It's two and a half. This is a tough one. I know they're home Baltimore, but

it's a nice spot for Kansas City, I think. I feel like if you're getting the Chiefs three and under for any game this year and they're healthy, you'll probably take that. Short week for Baltimore? Yeah. Yeah, not going to be able to run down the Chiefs' throat.

Probably grabbing that. Last one, Monday night. The D there in Rogers. Home for the Lions of Detroit. As a man of honor, I'm just going to stick with my pick, even though I now know that they're supercharging all these lines with the good team against the bad team. I had Packers eight and a half. I'm sure it's high. Why are you going eight and a half? Why don't you go 10 or 11 or 11? Well, I would have if I'm not going to change my mind. All right. Well, I said 10. It's 11 and a half have if i i'm not going to change my mind all right well i said i said 10 it's 11 and a half yeah i know you're scared about this two-team teaser it's been working well for us but let's go let's go back in time three-teamer is it i mean browns over texans

uh bucks over falcons and Packers over Lions. Two of those teams are 0-1 and the other team's Tom Brady. Oh, come on. What don't you like about it? Who's blowing that? You're a sick man. I have six days to convince you of that one. Falcons, Bucs.

Those games are always close. I don't know why. Packers, Lions. The Packers lost 38-3 today. I'm not throwing them in a three-team tease. They can't lose that game. They can't lose that game. Browns, Texans.

I mean, I don't know. I don't trust Baker. I'm not putting him in a three-team tease. You're already in mine. I might not game them. They don't lose that game. All right. I just need to know.

Who's 0-2? And we're like, oh, my God. And it's 2-0. And then we're like, how did that happen? So 0-2 candidates, Packers, definitely. Right, that would be number one. Buffalo would be two. Right.

Patriots, three. Patriots would be three, probably, yes. Unless you want to say Indy or someone like that. And then how are they 2-0? I mean, the Brown Unless you want to say Indy or someone like that. And then how are they 2-0? I mean, the Browns are expected to win more than 10 games. So they're not going to be 0-2 against Houston. They're not going to lose to the Texans. How the hell are they 2-0 teams?

Texans, definitely number one. Texans being number 2-0, would Jack Easterby get an executive of the year? Right. Would be hilarious. Eagles being 2-0 would be crazy. Bengals would be fun. Bengals would be fun. Do we have a cross

off yet? We got to cross somebody off, right? The Atlanta Falcons. Do it. No, we're not doing that. Do it and don't look back. We're not doing that. Well, technically we don't have to cross anyone off yet because there's 16 playoff teams, right? I don't think you can. There are 14 playoff teams. Right. No, we have to cross something off. Oh, we do? Yeah, we got to. There's a technically we don't have? I don't think you can. Or there are 14 playoff teams. Right. I don't think you can. No, we have to cross them up.

Oh, we do? Yeah, we got it. There's a technical one we don't have to. No, we have to. All right, so the... Well, I mean, here are our options. The Lions, right? Jaguars.

The Jaguars. Or the Jets. There's no one really else, is there? I think the Jets are a cross-off. I don't see any scenario where they make the playoffs. They're by far the worst team in that division.

There is no chance they would be one of the seven best AFC teams. They lost their left tackle today. And if they're smart, they should actually throw away this season. Let me just ask you this.

Out of the Lions, Jaguars, Jets, is there one of those divisions? Is the winner going to win 12 games? Definitely. That's the only thing I heard. Well, that's why we can't cross off the Lions, Jaguars, Jets, is there one of those divisions? Is the winner going to win 12 games? Definitely. That's the only thing I heard. Well, that's why we can't cross off the Lions because like seven and 10 could win the NFC North

for all we know. How do we know? Yeah, and we said the same about the AFC South. But not the AFC East. The AFC East is not. You're not high in the East. You're right. Someone's winning 10 games at least.

All right. I'm with the Jets. Kyle called the Jets. Tell them they've been crossed off. Sean Fennessey, Jim Grady. All right. I'm with the Jets. Kyle, call the Jets. Tell them they've been crossed off. Sean Fennessey, Jim Grady, my apologies. We've crossed off the Jets.

You are our first cross off. Let me tell you something. This is such a bad such a bad omen for you going into that game against the Patriots. You don't ever want to cross them off before your team, right?

I'll cross them off twice. How about that? We're not losing to the Jets. I'm telling you. One of the players listens to this podcast, at least. This is as good a bulletin board material as they'll say. Sal, I am telling you right now,

the Patriots are good. I'm not scared off by the game today. It was a stupid loss, and they should have won, and I am not scared. Jets, bad news. Bill Simmons thinks you're a nine-point underdog in this game. It's five and a half points off. am not scared. Jets, bad news. Bill Simmons thinks you're a nine-point underdog in this game. He's five and a half points off. I love this.

Jets, I have a Sharpie. It's black. It's indelible ink. Indelible ink? I can't remember the names. Indelible ink? You know what? You have a heart that's black, too.

I don't think this works. I don't know if this is going to work with you. We're tied one-one. Crossing off the Jets. All right, when we come back, our cousin, don't think this works. I don't know if this is going to work with you. We're tied one more. Crossing off the Jets. All right. When we come back, our cousin, Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. All right.

Joining us is me and Sal, our cousin, Jimmy. He is one of the executive producers, along with Sal, of a new 30 for 30 that premieres on Monday night called Once Upon a Time in Queens. Two parts, right? When does the second part run? The next night. It premieres Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday, Wednesday.

There you go. Come on, Simmons. You work for ESPN. You should know these things. I'm not keeping track. Can I tell you guys something? I actually, as I was laying down to sleep last night, I felt badly because I realized when I went up to do a little introduction of the documentary

on Friday night when we had our screening, I should have said something about Simmons. I mean, you did come up with the 30 for 30. Nah, it's fine. No, you've got enough. You know what you should have said? One of you is like, because Sal's like, you know, there's no Red Sox stuff

in these first two parts. You're fine. Then it starts and it's like, we're in game six of the 86 World Series. I'm like, you motherfucker. That's called lying. Why'd you give this to me? I'm your friend.

We also said we rigged it. We rigged it so the Red Sox end up winning. We have those kind of powers, so you'll be fine. You did like a deep fake? That would have been great. It is funny. Everybody that showed up to that thing, I was like, are you a Mets fan?

They're like, yeah, no, no. Almost everyone said Yankees weirdly. It's pretty strange. How long were you guys working on this doc and who came up with it and what happened? A guy named Nick Davis, who directed the Ted Williams documentary on PBS contacted us and asked us out of the blue came up with it and what happened guy named nick davis uh who directed the ted williams documentary

on pbs contacted us and asked us out of the blue if we'd be interested in being a part of this we said yeah i mean i don't know what you need us for but he seemed like he needed us and um i'm still not sure that he did but we went around we pitched it and everybody was interested in it and we decided that espn was the place to do it and um and we did it and i mean it's really sal and i did very little of the work we gave comments we helped with edits and i booked some people to be a part of it but really this is nick's work it really is but i want to say something we're going to pull the the sheet off of this the celebrities being attached to documentaries it's a scam sorry simmons i'm blowing you out of the water here what do you mean it's a scam it's a simmons watches like six rough cuts and

he's like yeah that looks good let's go forward with it come on perfect i'm signing off it's got to be lower than six let's guess the line on this. I'm going to guess four and a half. Six rough cuts. Woodstock 99. Oh, that was at least six cuts. Six cuts? Yeah.

Hey, we had to fine tune that one. See, you're right on the number there. Sal, your biggest job was keeping Lenny Dykstra alive long enough for him to do his interview, right? It really was. I had to ride with him to his interview at a house that we rented because the, uh, the house that the,

the guest house he was living in was not suitable, uh, at the time. So, and I, yeah, but he ended up being great, right,

Jimmy? I mean, he's great. He got a lot of laughs, you know, it's funny, kind of forget about the laughs in the documentary when you're editing it over and over again. And it was fun watching it with a group of people because You know, it's funny, kind of forget about the laughs in the documentary when you're editing it over and over again.

And it was fun watching it with a group of people because people were definitely laughing through a lot more than I expected through the documentary. Yeah. Yeah, that's,

so we have two of the Music Box docs premiering in Toronto this week and one of them was the Kenny G doc, which has a lot of funny moments in it. And I was dying, I'm dying to sit in a theater just to see what people laugh at versus what I thought they would have laughed at,

but they didn't laugh at. Cause that's like one of the most fun things of making a documentary is you kind of never know what's going to hit. You think, you think one joke is going to be hilarious and then you're like the only one laughing and then something else becomes really funny. Yeah. Well,

you really, you really never know because it's the first time seeing it. So I like this a good bit i like i like it too it's good you can really settle into this one over the next 10 years it's like jj abrams the last three seasons of lost like he had no idea what was going on so what we killed sawyer off what happened i know we're here to talk about the mets documentary but now i'm suddenly far more interested in the Kenny G documentary. Oh, it's excellent. Was Kenny a part of it? Oh, yeah.

He was. It's called Listening to Kenny G. Yeah. And so is he, I mean, is it a loving documentary? What kind of, what's the angle? So it got pitched to us by this director named Penny Lane, who I love. And she's basically like, I'm fascinated by Kenny G. He's one of the most successful artists of the last 40 years.

There's no Kenny G conversation at all. And he's kind of in on the joke. He's become joked about, but he kind of gets it and he's doing great. And I want to spend time with him and try to figure out what's going on here. And she ended up doing this whole doc about jazz criticism and just like what constitutes art versus success. And it's really good. Wow. Yeah. You like it. There's one thing about Kenny G that tickles me and it holds true for Neil

Diamond, who I love, is that these guys have multiple Christmas albums, both Jewish. And I wonder if like, I wonder if we're going to get to that point in our culture, in the game where people are like, you cannot do that anymore. You're not allowed to do that. Sorry.

You're Jewish. You can't do a Christmas album. The G stands for gefilte. I didn't even know that until I looked it up. It's sad. Do you get offended that Kenny G has a Christmas album for gefilte. I didn't even know that until I looked it up. Do you get offended that Kenny G has a Christmas album? I'm okay. I didn't even know he was Jewish. I'm glad I'm not. Why would a Mets fan, like a non-Mets

fan, like this Mets documentary you made? Because it's four parts. It's a commitment. Oh, well, it's just complete craziness. I mean, really, it has almost nothing to do with the game. It's like the game is of course gray in the games and the season and all that stuff. But my wife who has no interest in baseball really whatsoever, uh, really enjoyed it because you've got these, um, I think this could just as easily have been shot in a prison, right? I mean, instead, the prison is a team plane. And I think they did more damage to the team plane than the inmates did at Attica. And there are so many characters who had one thing really in common is they all had a lot of swagger and and father issues. And they are, I mean, I don't know that this, I really would love to know if anything like this goes on

in any sport anymore because it's just insane. They're having sex in the middle of the game, not with each other, but with some of the fans, some of the more enthusiastic fans. Fans they pick out, yeah. They're all on, not all, but almost all on amphetamines. And that's just during the game. After the game, there are drugs.

It's New York in the 80s, the music of New York. Some of the people that are interviewed are not the typical people you might expect to see in a sports documentary like Oliver Stone and George R.R. Martin and Cindy Lauper. These people who were there and who, it turns out, are big Met fans and who were there when this all was going on. So it's as much about the happenings in New York City in the mid-'80s, and you forget about that stuff and that kind of Wall Street greed is good era and the late-night nightclubs with the cocaine and the craziness.

And Peter, you brought the commissioner of baseball watching these guys like a hawk, but a blind hawk, it would seem, because nothing really ever came of that. And also just the fans like Keith Hernandez was a bit of a pariah because he admitted to using cocaine. And I remember even, I remember thinking like, oh God, this Keith Hernandez guy, he's a bad guy. And you see him testifying in front of Congress. And then the next thing you know, he's playing the next day. He's in Shea and he gets a huge standing ovation. And he said, not just right there. It was just like all better right away in New York

in front of these Mets fans. And the craziness I'm sorry, Sal, I'm dominating this, but the idea that you could just all run onto the field and tear it to shreds. the local New York newscasts and the local commercials and

Ralph Kiner and Kiner's Corner at the end of it. It's just so much. There's so many characters. We haven't even gotten, by the way, to the All-Star Mets music video, which is available on YouTube if you want to watch in its entirety. What was it called? Mets-tastic? Well, that

was a different one. There's two of them. What was the other one? I didn't see that part yet. I think they said fewer than 100 people bought that. Joe Piscopo and Mayor Koch. Oh, my God. It's Metsmerized is the name of the song. Let's get Metsmerized. Yeah.

Boy, you've never heard worse rapping in your life. I mean, you have not. Until you've heard George Foster laying down some beats, you've not heard rapping. Yeah. The only thing I would add add is and i was conscious of that and because we did look at rough cuts unlike you but we did so when we're looking at the rough cuts i wanted to i was like i just want to make sure it's not too highlight heavy right like yeah i felt like because exactly what you said you want the non-fan to appreciate it so if you have like four minutes of highlights, obviously it was a great team and I won 108

games. You could play highlights for a full two, three hours. It doesn't matter. But I was like, I never got that feeling. It was never like more than a minute of highlights before you went on to the next fight or whatever. I mean, they would fight with other players. They would fight with their own teammates and they would fight when they went on the road with people in bars. Like it was crazy, the fighting and,

and added to the drugs and everything else. So I thought, I thought it was a well-balanced Nick Davis did a terrific job. I was living in Connecticut during, from strawberry coming up all the way through. And we didn't, you know, the Red Sox games, we didn't have like league pass back then. So you're just watching any baseball and I hated the Yankees. So I kind of gravitated toward the Mets

when I wanted to watch baseball. And when good in the rookie season, which is captured in this, and then that second year, which I've written about when he was just like fucking Mozart, you know, there's never been anything like it. And it was hard not to get attached to them as like the young gun kind of antithesis to the Yankees.

Then they bring in the Carter trade was huge. All of a sudden it seemed like they actually had a chance to contend, but it was so bizarre when it was like, Oh my God, the Red Sox are going to be in the world series too. And this team, this Mets team that I watched now, I have to hate this team, which I did easily. But it was weird to go against them in the World Series. And then, of course, to lose in the most devastating way possible.

And then you had to get Calvin Chiraldi now. Nightmares of Calvin Chiraldi in his mid-20s. Now I have nightmares of him in his 50s. There's more calvin charlotte featured prominently yeah oh my god well i only saw the first two parts thanks for torturing us with that um all right so tuesday and wednesday and then you can get it on espn plus yeah as well right and also i learned today people were asking me and i actually didn't know the answer to this whether there's a lot of profanity in the documentary and whether ESPN

would be airing that and apparently the answer is yes they are airing all the profanity on ESPN 2 they're going to have an edited version should you choose to watch this with your children which I don't necessarily recommend yeah I was going to say it's going to hurt when Dykstra gets bleeped

if you're watching me yeah Dykstra's not getting bleeped. Dykstra's the MVP of the doc. He's so good, but I don't know. Keith Hernandez's cat is pretty solid contender for that title. Mookie, as it goes on, you can't

help, but Mookie Wilson is the most likable man in maybe the world. I'd forgotten the video when he got hit in the sunglasses. That was brutal. Yeah, you had that in there. Spring training footage. There's all this old footage. And as Jimmy said, with the fans tearing up the field.

I mean, we're especially proud of one shot. I don't know why we're proud. We had nothing to do with it. But following Mookie Wilson after the ball went through Buckner's legs. Sorry. That sounds awful. I don't, I don't like that. All the way through the dugout into the tunnel.

And then one shot, good fellows ask into the clubhouse where four or five guys are undressed because they like kind of gave up on the game. And then not that they didn't watch the end, but they're watching from like TVs and Davey Johnson's office and stuff and didn't want to move because they were superstitious but it it has everything it really is one of the great camera shots I've ever seen I wish I knew who the cameraman was we wound up getting a lot of local news footage that

hadn't been seen before and it is just an unbelievable shot perfectly the whole way and this guy is running behind Mookie, Mookie Wilson. And, um, and you just see everything. It is fantastic. Yeah. I remember we did the fab five doc way back. It was like 11 years ago in the timeout game with Chris Weber, Jason hair, the director found this video of after the game, those guys walking back in the super dome to the locker room, but it was a long walk because it was, you know, it was a football stadium. And it's just the camera on those guys

as they realize what happened. And like Weber is just like starting to break down during the walk. And you never know what you're going to find with some of these local cameras or, you know, all this other stuff. Well, I'm excited to watch it except for really the last part,

which I'm probably not going to watch. It sounds terrible. Does it still bother you? It's so funny. Somebody asked me that recently. He was like, you know, you won four World Series. Does it bother you? I was like, yeah. It still really bothers me. It's one of the most traumatic moments of my life.

You know what the other great thing about this is? It forced Yankee fans to root for the Mets, which they didn't want to do because the goal, it was still keep the Red Sox down, was the prime focus and goal of the Yankees. Because, you know, obviously they hadn't won the curse of the Bambino. They had to keep that going for as long as they can. So that part of it is great, too.

Did Jimmy's sports bigamy, did that hurt the documentary at all? How he's like a Dodger fan and a Mets fan kind of depending on who's in the room. Did that come up or affect the production? No, no. You have to understand. I went through,

I'm going to take you through my hero. By the way, you've forgotten a team. So I'm going to add it in into the mix here. Okay. So as a kid, um, growing up in Brooklyn,

I was a Mets fan. Okay. Okay. We moved to Las Vegas in Brooklyn, I was a Mets fan. Okay. Okay. We moved to Las Vegas. Now, my dad is a Dodgers fan, has been his whole life. They were in Brooklyn. Even when they moved to LA, he stuck with them. Moved to Las Vegas in 1978 or 77, rather.

There's no Mets games on television. There's no, you get the actual scores two days later. You have box scores in the newspaper, tough. So I start watching the Dodgers with my father and listening to Vin Scully, and I start rooting for the Dodgers. And for many years, I root for the Dodgers. And then the Dodgers let Steve Garvey go to the Padres. Now, I've been going to minor league games in Vegas, the Las Vegas Stars for a couple of years now. And all these guys have gone up to play for the Padres. So I've seen these guys,

Kevin McReynolds, who actually is in this documentary, you know, all these guys, Bip Roberts, all these players from the Padres. And I decided since Garvey went to the Padres, I was going to root for the Padres and I did until I moved back to Los Angeles as a sportscaster and I was covering the Dodgers and I took a liking to a player named Mike Piazza perhaps you've heard of him

guess what the fucking Dodgers did to my other favorite player why they sent him away they sent him to the Marlins actually angrily denounced them and player. Why? They sent him away. They sent him to the Marlins actually. Angrily denounced them. then Mike and I wound up with the Mets.

That's right. He's not moving off them now. This is like listening to Elizabeth Taylor list all her marriages. And then Richard Burton and I got back together again. You know, before we get to Parent Corner, the Steve Garvey thing. Yeah.

You wrote a piece for Grantland, I think in our first year, about what an outrage it was that Steve Garvey wasn't in the Hall of Fame. People could probably find it. I'll write the same one for the Ringer if you want. I'll write it over. We'll just reprint it.

So nine years have passed. Ted Simmons made the Hall of Fame this year. Ted Simmons, who appeared in one playoff series for the Brewers. Cardinals. Cardinals. I think he had switched to the Brewers at that point. Anyway, he was in the 82 World Series. But if he's going to make it, Steve Garvey's not going to make it.

Steve Garvey was the best first baseman of our childhood. He's not going to be in the Hall of Fame. He was the MVP. Well, are you trying to get me fired up again? Is that the idea? Yeah, he's trying to get you fired up. I fear that he's never going to make it. Ted Simmons made it.

And that's crazy. How did that happen? I think it's catcher, right? You just need a certain amount of catchers. Yeah, they're trying to boost the catcher ranks. It's fine. But Steve Garvey was the best first baseman the first 20 years of my life. If Ted Simmons made it over Piazza,

that would be a whole different story. Well, no, you're right, Simmons. And I hope you will join me in this mission to get Steve Garvey in the Hall of Fame. And then while we're at it, let's get Huey Lewis in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Did that not happen? No, that hasn't happened. No. Oh my God. I mean, he knew where the heart of rock and roll is. And it's in where the... Actually, there is a

story that they asked Huey Lewis in the news to open the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And Huey's manager said, no, thanks. We're not interested. And maybe there's a grudge now many years later. I like it. Maybe Garvey had the same offer from Cooperstown. You have no idea. Today's Parent Corner is brought to you by Nissan. The all new 2022 Nissan Pathfinder's intelligent 4x4 will get you back outdoors. When you have kids, you're happy to get them outside

camping, off-roading, fishing. You love fishing. Any excuse to get out there and enjoy it, return to rugged in the all new 2022 Nissan Pathfinder. Learn more at NissanUSA.com. Our special guest, Jimmy Kimmel. Do you want to go first? Do you want to go second or Do you want to go second?

Or do you want to go last? Can we? Well, I have two kids, two kids stories. So how do you want to do it? Let's just go. We'll let you go first. You go. All right.

I'm going to start with a story about Jane. Okay. My daughter, she's seven years old. By the way, speaking of Parents Corner, my oldest daughter is getting married this weekend. That's right. Yeah. Wow.

Katie. Yeah. So there you go. So this summer, Jane and Billy have a new little cousin. Her name's Etta. She's a baby. Jane is standing over Etta in her stroller. Etta's in the stroller.

And a boy about two years older approaches and says, and Jane says, this is my cousin, baby Etta and her stroller. Etta's in the stroller and a boy about two years older approaches and says, and Jane says, this is my cousin, baby Etta. And the boy says, if her eyes are closed, you should keep the blanket over her. If they open, you should take it off. And Jane goes, we know that. So he walks away and she says to Molly, I don't like the way that boy was talking to me. Molly tells her to let it go. And then a couple of minutes later, she gives the kids some popcorn.

And Billy asks if he can give a piece of popcorn to the chipmunk that was near them. And Molly says yes. And the boy comes running in. He goes, you can't do that. Don't give him popcorn. I once tried to throw a big rock at that chipmunk and it ran away. So now we've got a serial killer on our hands obviously but billy still wants this kid's approval and he's eating goldfish crackers

he sees the boys also eating goldfish crackers and and billy goes goldfish and points to the boy and the boy ignores him billy says goldfish again and the boy again ignores him and he says goldfish again and the kid again ignores and jane goes he's trying to show you that you're both eating goldfish and the boy still won't give billy any attention and jane goes ours are flavor blasted and storms off wow that yeah i liked how you used aunt chippy your impersonation of aunt chippy for jane i don't know if this is like maybe she's the legacy. You know, it's been a long day. I'm a little scratchy, so I sound like.

But then as an aside, at the end, Jane turns to Molly and goes, where are that kid's parents? Wow. That sounds like a good commercial. Ours are flavor blasted. Flavor blasted goldfish. We're recording on these. All right.

Now, why don't you guys tell your story? Because I have another one that's much better. And in fact, it's untoppable. All right, Sal, you go. I'll go. Well, this Friday, I was with you guys. We're watching a documentary. And I was torn because my

son plays varsity football, Archie, and he's been doing well. And so Melissa, my wife couldn't come with me to the screening because one of us has to be there in case he becomes a paraplegic. So we're over. I'm at the documentary.

I'm doing a round of God forbid. Yeah, God forbid. Even a map. Yeah. But anyway, in this game, they end up losing, blowing a two-touchdown lead with five minutes left, and it's one of the worst meltdowns in the school's history, varsity history.

But on that last drive, before they got hot again, Archie, on second and 10, blows by the defensive end and spins around the fullback is supposed to block him and launches himself into the quarterback and a pretty spectacular sack by a number 56. And it's, it's great. It's a,

it's a proud moment. And it got any, like does this like this crazy thing, like does like a little, uh, Mark Gastineau thing to go along with it. And we, I have it on tape and I post it on Instagram.

And I don't know, I was really proud. And it got me thinking, I wonder if this is the moment where he can kick my ass. Like I never, do you know, did it ever occur to you when your son could beat you up if it's happening? Like Simmons, it probably happened to you when Ben was 10 and he was ordering explosives on Amazon

from gift cards that you gave him. That was probably when you knew it, right? I think about this all the time. My son's 5'9 now. I feel like I could beat him, but I do feel like it would take me much longer now and I'd probably break a couple things. I think I'm close too. I don't know. I have a lot of bravado.

I wrestled in high school. I took judo in college and I've been in 30 fights. I know Jimmy was present for probably like 25 of them. 25 in one day I was present. So I got that on him. But I also just like, just with this intensity and he's, he's bigger than me. And I'm like, let's put it this way.

I'm at least if there's a, someone breaks into the house and I'm a little tired, I might let him take care of it at this point. So we're getting there. I think that's fair. This reminds me of the game Carolla used to have about when a celebrity crashes back to earth enough where when you're on the ascent, if you're a wannabe celebrity or an about-to-be celebrity or a budding celebrity.

Right. When the vortex crosses where you have a chance. I think he formulated that philosophy or whatever you want to call it when I had a kissing scene with Mary Jane from Gilligan's Island. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's what made them happen. Like whether you could. Wait, was it Mary Jane from Gilligan's Island. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're right. That's what made them happen. Like whether you could... Wait, was it Mary Jane?

Yeah. It was Dawn Wells. No, Mary Ann. Dawn Wells. Yeah. Whether you had an actual chance with Mary Ann, which would just seem inconceivable to us when we were six years old.

Yeah, I was like 30 and she was like 60 something. And yeah, I think at that point, I think it could have happened. Yeah. You're not going to believe this, Jimmy, but one time when we were supposed to be writing for your late night show in the first year, Carolla, me and Rick Rosner went through like all of the seventies shows to try to

figure out which actresses Carolla had passed on that vortex where now it would be more of an honor for them. Did you come up with any? We had a bunch of them. He was like, the girl from Welcome Back, Connor, she would be honored. Julie? Julie from the Love Boat. Julie was

from Welcome Back, Connor. Also, is he talking about one of the classmates or Gabe's wife? Remember that sweat hog? Remember there was that female sweat hog? Her name was Julie? Yeah. I didn't know what her name was. Oh, I see. Alright. I'm going to do...

I have a tiny parent corner and then the actual parent corner. At the Medstock screening, I left Ben alone with our friend Daniel. Oh, this is a good one. Oh, no. And made the mistake of jokingly saying Daniel, you know, cause my son is now he's dating. He's got a girl he likes like Daniel, you should give Ben some advice about what to do with women. And I went to get them drinks and came back and apparently Daniel had given him some advice and then they

wouldn't tell me what it was. And then I had to debate about whether driving home, maybe to tell Ben to maybe pull that out of your memory bank, whatever Daniel said. But it was basically his advice was keep them guessing. Right, Sal? Yeah. Well, Ben had a great, great line, though. So it was me, it was you, it was Daniel,

and it was Andy, a friend of ours, and our lawyer, and his partner. And everybody had a little something to say. And Ben, at the end, was Andy, a friend of ours, and our lawyer and his partner. And everybody had a little something to say. And Ben, at the end, was like, you know what? I think I'm doing all right. I don't need advice from 60-year-old man. How to do it. Yeah. He attacked us.

He said, I don't need advice from a bunch of 60-year-olds. That didn't stop Daniel from giving him two minutes so anyway that was um so my daughter my daughter's driving keep him guessing is also daniel's um his philosophy at work it's true alright so my daughter got her license a couple weeks ago oh wow sore subject in the Sal house cause

my daughter and Sal's son both failed their test initially but I think she's a month older than Archie so she was able to pull hers off so then it's like you know they go and they become like basically your Uber driver. You know, if we want a coffee, they'll go out and get you a coffee. Like they're so excited to drive.

We all remember what it was like when you drive. You just want to be sure I'll do this. Sure. I'll go. Can I drive? Um, but then you think like, well, there, there'll be some dumb thing that'll happen at some point. Well, she was going to school on Friday.

She left. She was late. She was like 12 minutes late. She's rushing out of the house. Comes back in two minutes later and she's like, Dad, my car hit something. I was like, what'd you hit? Your car.

I was parked behind her and she backed up and the camera thing didn't back up and she backed up and we touch bumpers and she now has a dent in her bumper because she had, uh, she, she rear ended my car. I like the wording. My car hits something. My car hits something. My car hits something. But then now she got this from my wife.

She blamed me for parking behind her. Even though we have a driveway where it's three cars, somebody has to park behind somebody, but it was somehow my fault, which I thought was like, wow, you really are half my wife. So it was my fault for parking behind her when I was the last person in. But anyway, so that was- Are you still in there or what? I don't know. I don't know if we're going to bring it to the insurance yet or maybe handle it out of pocket. But I wish I had been in the car. I could have done the Brady Bunch faking whiplash thing. So anyway, yeah, that was it.

You're in luck. Here's a free Nissan. Yeah, that's true. I'll just get her a Nissan in 2022. All right, Sal, you're up. I'm up again? No, Jimmy's up. Jimmy's up.

Jimmy's up. Okay. So I want to preface this by saying young Billy Kimmel, four years old, the source of much concern in the United States of America. Everywhere I go

people ask me, how's your son? And the answer is he's completely crazy. And we think he's probably Sal's. I don't know how this happened, but he is more like Sal than any human being I've ever met. He does not answer any questions seriously. He's got his hand down his pants at all times.

Nice. And he's just weird. He's just a weird, weird kid. Okay. Yeah. He's in a weird, weird kid. Okay. So, um, he's in the bathtub and, um, he lays down and he wants to let it fully drain while he lays on his back in the, in the bathtub. And, um, Molly's in there, my wife's with him and, um, he's just like kind of spread eagle laying in the bathtub. It drains completely.

It's empty. He locks eyes with Molly and he says, look at my penis. Look at my penis a thousand times. He yells at me like this is my fault we know it sounds really sad right it's my fault a thousand times a thousand times negotiating all right if i can get her to agree to 300 the other day he goes where's mommy i said she's in the shower. He goes, oh good, I'll go watch. I think I told you this when Ben was four.

I think four-year-old boys are among the funniest human beings Americans can produce. It's crazy. They hit something where they end, it's just basically poop, farts, and dick just become the go-to for all comedy for them for three years non-stop right this stuff i mean it's just non-stop but he throws some vagina in there every once in a while too you know just to make it even to mix it up we're gonna have to reboot the man show so it can be employed somewhere this is not a parent corner item but i did a commercial today

with um um some kids you know yeah and little girls was asking me like what commercials i've been in so i find myself like now going over my commercial recipe a resume with a seven-year-old and she goes um well have you ever done oh tesla and i said no she's like well, have you ever done O-Tesla? And I said, no. She's like, well, I have. I was like, what is O-Tesla? And it sounds familiar from watching cable news, but it's an arthritis commercial. What?

Oh, my God. She's like, yeah, I've done O-Tesla, and you haven't. I was like, all right. You know, Poops, Farts, and Dicks would be, I think, a hit kid show on Netflix. They have it. It's called Captain Underpants. It goes under a different title.

What channel is that on? Captain Underpants is on, I think it's on Netflix. It's on either Hulu or Netflix. Not aware of Captain Underpants. That sounds great. Oh, well, first of all, it was a huge selling book series. And then it was a pretty big movie. Oh, right, another book.

Kevin Hart voiced one of the kids in the movie. But it's a really funny show. But it's like my mother-in-law hates it because the kids love it and it's all just, you know, it's just all underpants stuff. Yeah. It's on ESPN too. Today's Parent Corner is brought to you by Nissan. The Nissan Pathfinder can tow up to 6,000 pounds.

So however you enjoy the outdoors, it's got you covered. Return to rugged in the all new 2022 Nissan Pathfinder. Learn more at nissanusa.com. Available intelligent four by four. Cannot prevent collisions or provide enhanced traction in all conditions. Always monitor traffic and weather conditions. Towing capability varies by configuration. See Towing Guide and Nissan's Owner's Manual for proper use.

Jimmy, you're working again. You're back. Took the summer off. I am back to work, yes. Did you get competitive at all with the guest hosts? Did you check the ratings? Were you deep down worried that the ratings would hold completely with you not there? I always look at the ratings every night. So it's not just because the guest hosts were there,

but I mean, listen, the worst case scenario is you take the summer off and the ratings go way up. Well, didn't that happen with, wasn't that Joan Rivers when Arsenio took over as the guest host when they fired her and his ratings were like immediately better? Maybe they should have made a good move. They were definitely better than hers, that's for sure. Well, I think a worst, even worst case scenario is if the ratings went way, way, way down and they said

guess who's not taking the summer off next year? Right? It was good. It was a benefit. Sal, why didn't you get to host the show? I'm not in shape for this. Look at me. You know what? I never really thought about that. How does Sal not get to?

He just would have fucked with everybody for an hour. Nah, I'm not going to go. Sal's been looking for a 15th job, so maybe we'll do that next summer. I'll co-host with Stephen A. Smith next year. Oh, that would be good. All right. Once Upon a time in Queens,

going to be on ESPN Tuesday, Wednesday, four parts. Nice job, fellas. Welcome to the club of people that obsessively look at rough cuts and try to make documentaries better as a producer. I'm glad you embraced the process. And then Sal, do your plugs quick. Listen to Extra Points podcast

for all your sports gambling needs. I'm also, I'm going to have Kevin Mitchell on against the odds on Tuesday. And Mookie Wilson is on extra points on Wednesday. So did you know Kevin Mitchell was paralyzed for five years? He was telling me about it and now he's, now he's walking. But yeah,

I saw him after I didn't realize when he said that, I felt like, like when he told me, I was like, boy, I feel like I should have known. I don't know. I felt bad.

Shouldn't we have known? He's had it crazy. He might be a 30 for 30 in himself, just with where he came from and what he did. I don't know if you got to this in part four, but I think he was one of the guys that was kind of dressed because he thought they were going to lose and wasn't wearing a cup when he came up to bat

and all that stuff. Buddy Howell went screaming, running into the clubhouse. And he thought he was being set up. He's like, oh, they want the rookie to make the final out here. It's like as if that's a thing. He came through, though. And Hernandez was in there smoking during it. Right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. When I was really bitter about the loss for years, I was a great fucking leader. Hernandez having a cigarette while his team's trying to come back. What a leader. Oh, my God. This is really George Washington.

Boy, that poor guy and his dad. I mean, that stuff is just crazy stuff, that overbearing dad. In fact, I was thinking about it on the drive home after watching it. I was thinking about the guy who seemed to have the best relationship with his dad was Gooden. And his mom shot his dad. For him. Right.

You're right. And they seemed like the closest. He was at all the games. Right. Did Lenny Dykstra's dad really come up? I don't remember that. Not at all. I mean, he might have said it.

We couldn't understand. I think Lenny's dad probably fled when Lenny was born. His dad ran screaming out of the hospital. Yeah, he's like, I'm out. I'll see you guys later. All right, Jimmy, thanks for coming on. Thanks for having us. Good job by you.

Good job by you, buddy. All right, that's it for the podcast. Don't forget about a new Rewatchables Monday night. Warrior, me and Ryan Rossello. Thanks to Sal. Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel. Thanks to Kyle Creighton who produced this podcast

and sat on my couch all day watching the Patriots lose. Man. 0-1. Wasn't expecting that. All right. We will see you on Tuesday on this feed.

Until then. I don't have feelings with them. On the way so I never say I don't have feelings with them.