The Bobby Bones Show - FEELING THINGS - When Everything Falls Apart at Once & Stuck in the Middle of a Family Feud (Couch Talks)

Episode Date: October 4, 2026

What do you do when all the bad things are happening at once? This week, a listener shares that her husband is recovering from open heart surgery while three of her siblings have been diagnosed with serious cancers. She's always been the positive one, but now she feels numb and can't even cry. Should she force herself to feel it, push it away, or just be grateful she's okay? We talk through grief, worry, and how to hold it all when life gets really hard. Then, a listener finds herself stuck in the middle after her mom and her husband's estranged dad started dating (and even walked down the aisle together at her wedding!). Now the relationship has turned toxic, her husband wants nothing to do with either of them, and everyone is waiting for someone else to apologize first. How do you keep the peace when your family is torn apart? Have a question for us? Send it our way and we might answer it on the show!   Get some Feeling Things merch by clicking HERE! (FeelingThingsPodcast.com) Sign up for the Feeling Things newsletter HERE! Watch us on Youtube HERE! Find us on TikTok: @radioamy Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077 Email: [e-mail] HOSTS: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburenSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. I'm Melissa Jeltson, host of the What Happened to Her podcast. We're kicking off the season with the Sandra Birchmore story, a case the police rode off as a suicide in a snowstorm. Her family never bought it, and the man they suspected wore a badge. You never know who that devil is because he's wearing in disguise. Sometimes it's a police uniform.

And you can get access to all episodes 100% ad-free with an I-Heart True Crime Plus subscription exclusively on Apple Podcasts, available only to IHeart True Crime Plus subscribers. So don't wait. Head to Apple Podcasts, search for IHeart True Crime Plus, and subscribe today. Lisa, tell them about our new show. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't Lie to Me. I'm Lexi Yuwanu. We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart. And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references, occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all. Now in my 30s, being the founder of new shoes, good taste is my business.

Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lacey Mosley, author, actor, stand-up comedian, creator, and host of Scam Goddess Podcast. The True Crime Comedy Podcasts, all about robbery, fraud, and those who practice it. Each week, I bring on an amazing guest. Ooh, I scammed them. What? I can talk to you for an hour.

You're a generational yapper like me. That's why I had to make yapping a job. And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube. Start listening to Scam Goddess on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, this is Kylie Breakman. Angel Geratana. Jeremy Colhain. Patrick McDonald. And we're the hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists Podcast.

The Improvised Character Comedy Podcast where each week a new panel of artists discuss their craft. Join us for a panel of Eurovision participants. And we do a little Halloween sometimes. Does the Pope dress up? He winks on Halloween. He gets right up next to the microphone. I hear you can almost hear the eyelashes hit each other. You never seen Italy so quiet as when the Pope gets up to wink on Halloween.

Listen to Artists on Artists on Artists every Thursday on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, it's me. Debbie Kamaabelle. This season on my podcast, Who's with me, I speak with Bruce Lee's daughter, Brandon Lee's sister, and my friend, Shannon Lee. Back to your initial point of stewarding my father's legacy and giving my energy to that. You're lending your life to stewarding somebody else's life. Listen to Who's With Me with Debbie Kmartbell on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The miles change how you move, but more importantly, they change how you show up for your life. I'm Emily Abadi. On the Hurtle with Emily Abadi podcast, I sit down with elite athletes, record holders, coaches, and everyday runners to unpack the mindset behind pushing through when things get tough.

Because the discipline, grace, and grit you build out there on the pavement, that's what helps you show up as your best self everywhere else. I'd just love to say, I never know who's watching. So you want to make sure you, you through and through,

and you just stay true to who you are. Listen to Hurtle with Emily Abadi on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Big Lives, we take a single cultural icon. People like Jane Fonda, George Michael, Little Richard. And we pull apart the story behind the image. Discovering forgotten interviews that changed exactly how we see these giants of our culture.

We're here for the messy, the brilliant, the human version of our heroes. I'm Emmanuel Jochi. I'm Kai Right. And this is Big Lives. Listen to Big Lives on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you. you get your podcasts. While we hope couch talks can be a tool that helps and supports wherever you are in life, couch talks does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy or any mental health

services. One, two, please. If you ever have feelings that you just want some, maybe and cat got you covered like an arm, just following the spirit where it's on to the chill stuff and the in between. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just. This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couchalks, our Q&A episode to the Feeling Things podcast.

I'm Amy. And I'm Kat. And our theme for today is anonymous. Because we have two emails from listeners who have asked to remain anonymous. See how that works? So no voice changer this episode because just. just reading the emails straight as they are. We've got no anonymous voicemails to at least share today. Whenever I think of that, I keep thinking of sweet D. If you know, you know. Okay. Okay. If you don't know,

then you need to go back and listen to every single one of our episodes. And find out where it is. Ever. It's not that far back. Okay. Our first email, our first anonymous email. Dear Amy and Kat, thank you so much for your podcast. You are the besties that I didn't know I needed. You're a cute and funny and so smart about handling life's ups and downs. My question is this. What do you do when all the bad things are happening at once? Been there. Been there anonymous. Let's give Anonymous a nickname. P. Okay. Just so we can say P, like we can talk to P. Okay. Like I've been there, P. Okay. P. Or A? Yeah. Where did you get P? It's just, I just made it up. You don't like it?

Well, it just is like, P. You want to give a full name? Okay, Linda? Yeah, A for anonymous. Or what people do when they give people nicknames for anonymous people is they give them like. Oh, Jando. No. Like if they're writing about like heartbreak, they'll be like heartbroken in Colorado.

I know, but I don't like that. It's too cheesy for you. So you just want to call her P. We do that on the Bobby Phone Show. Oh, you do? And so it's just I got to keep things separate. We're going to do it. All right.

Well, let's call her YP. Why not M? Why not L? Why the letter P? Well, the P came to my mind, so I'm going to name her Paula. Okay. Okay, Paula, here we go. Paula, I've been there. Lots of things happening at once. I feel you. Again, I'll start back with her email since we took a little detour there. My question is this. What do you do when all the bad things are happening at once? To give you some background, I'm a young, 60-ish-year-old woman in very good health, and I have always had a very positive, happy disposition. I love my job, I love my life. I'm just wired that way. When things get rough, I roll with the confidence that things will get better. And you know what? They usually do.

However, six weeks ago, my husband had open heart surgery and is still in recovery. It's been very scary to say the least. During this same time, three of my siblings have been diagnosed with very serious cancers, completely different cancers, non-genetic, fluky things. They live in different parts of the country. There is no rhyme or reason. So what does one do? My mind is consumed with the worry of not only their suffering, but the worry of how I will handle losing one or all of these people that are so important to me. I currently find that I'm numb to emotions. Can't even cry. Should I force myself to face the sadness and just cry it out? Should I push those thoughts out of my mind and go along my merry way pretending things are okay? Should I stop feeling bad for everyone and be grateful

that I'm okay? Any advice you can give me would be so appreciated because this is getting really hard. Thank you again for your podcast. Love you both so much. Take care. Paula. This is a lot. That's a lot. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm feeling. for her just like she's feeling for others like this i can't even imagine taking on a spouse with open heart surgery and all three siblings getting diagnosed all different cancers too yeah at the same time and everyone's so spread out so then you don't even have that comfort of like okay let's all just be together and figure out how we're going to navigate this yeah so i would say the first thing is acknowledging that like if you're feeling whatever it is it makes sense because this is a lot whether you're feeling numb because you've dissociated or you're feeling overwhelmed this is this is not normal we're not um i want to say raised but we're not like primed to handle life like this because this is not how life is necessarily supposed to go but you said earlier like you relate to

everything happening at once. Yeah. I think for me, I, my big wake up call was when I walked into my pool with all my clothes on, which we've talked about that here on the podcast, but that was a pivotal moment for me of, or an aha, an awakening of sorts of I need help. Or it's going to be worse than, you know, just almost like a zombie. Yeah. Picture me in my house with all my clothes. on a quote unquote normal day. I mean, normal for me. In this situation, she's got four big things going on. I will say in my case, I had three things. One of them is public. My dad was very sick. I was his caretaker. He was dying. At the time that I walked into the pool, he had not yet died. Okay. But it was a lot. He was still at the assisted living place, but I was going

there every day as a caretaker and we were in the process of moving him into my house by the time I walked into the pool. So he hadn't even died yet. But all three of these things were happening at the same time for a year. So it was a year of, but the first sign of I am not okay was me again in my house, normal day, with my clothes on, and then with no thought or reason other than everything felt so out of control and chaotic, I just walked through my living room, opened up the French doors, no idea who, what, it wasn't a show, nobody's filming anything. You know, you see memes or videos where people are like, oh, I can't. life and I mean obviously they're filming it and it's a little spoof on like I want no no no this was me real

life it just happened and I walked into my pool and I went to the bottom and I just you know I hung out there a second and then I emerged and it was this like huh I feel better feeling and but but sort of numb I can understand the numbness because I then got out of the pool and went to the bathroom and showered and then continued on my day. You're going to have a meeting. Right. I think that my husband at the time and my kids were like, what? Were they home?

Yes. Yeah. Yes. The chaos was home. I will say chaos involved two of the three people there. And I carried on. Then I had therapy. And I talked with my therapist about it, and that's when she realized, like, she didn't make me feel

silly or stupid for doing that as therapists do. You know, we weren't trying to unpack it fully. But she gave me such peace and encouragement of that was you taking care of yourself. And I was like, it was? She's like, yeah, almost a subconscious level of you giving yourself a moment to fully submerge and then reemerge new. because you did reemerge with like this, you felt better. So your body took care of you in that moment.

And it was overall harmless. I mean, it's not fun for your family to watch that happen. And I wasn't trying to hurt myself. But I will say during that year-long season, I did have very terrible thoughts, which I later learned is called suicidal ideation, which through therapy I learned. what that was. I had never heard of that before because I wouldn't have described myself as

someone that wanted to truly hurt herself. But you're imagining what would it be like if I wasn't here? Yes. And that's the ideation part. I wouldn't even have, I was through my thoughts that I was giving my therapist that she gave me that term suicidal ideation because suicide or self-harm. That didn't cross my mind. I, however, was so overwhelmed with everything that I would driving on the highway and I would just think, well, if that 18 wheeler swerved in front of me and we got in a wreck and I died, like, I'm cool with that. And I wouldn't have to deal with all that. Right. Or more extreme versions of what would it be like if I just like went with my car

as fast as I can into like a brick wall? You know, I mean, I didn't want to really do that. And I wasn't going to, which I don't know if eventually those thoughts for some people and that's when you hear stories of something like that happening. But I also had the awareness and the self-control of like, I'm not going to do that. But what the heck are these thoughts? And then I had other thoughts of just escaping my life. Like, what if I just keep driving past my exit and I don't go home? And I just, wherever I end up, I end up and I start this new life.

But, you know, those are all indicators of where I was. And then that gave me information of, okay, now what do I need to do to work through this? For me, it was, and this was my care kit, it may not be what you need. And especially at this moment, you're still processing, Paula. But if you're dealing with all this stuff at once, for me, I had, I continued my talk therapy. I got on a very low dose antidepressant that, helped me. I was on that for about two years, and it served its purpose, and then I got off.

I will say if you're ever trying to get off of anything like that, don't try to get off in the winter. This record is on. Miley is having a moment. New name. Closive shows. So IHart Radio is sending you to experience it all. Life at the Hollywood Polites, Hotel, tickets, and $1,000 cash. Listen to IHard new music for 10 minutes a day on the IHart Radio app, and click enter. Every day you listen is another chance to win.

Stream Miley's new album, Bass Persuades, today. I tried to get off in the winter, and it was terrible. Yeah. So then I waited another five months, and I got off in May, and the sun was out, and life was good, and it was easier for me to get off. But I knew for me it wasn't going to be a long-term thing. All of my stuff was circumstantial. And right now, circumstantially, you're juggling a lot. So talking with a professional and seeing what tools can you have in your toolbox that can help you get through this season?

Because with a husband recovering from heart surgery and three siblings with cancer, the journey has just begun. Yeah. And what I keep thinking is, and this is similar to your story, is a lot of times people in Paula situation are like, well, I'm not the one that needs help. I'm the one that's going to be the helper. I'm going to help my siblings with whatever they need. I'll travel and I'll be whatever. I'm going to caretake my husband, whatever he needs because I have my health and I have whatever.

I'm okay. So let me take care of everybody else. And then what happens is your needs to get neglected. And then you're in the bottom of the pool, essentially, but also then you can't show up for the other people. So I think you sharing, you went and got your own help, is helpful for someone to hear. because we can think, I'm, that's not, that's not what I, that's not for me right now.

I'll deal with me later. These are the people in crisis. Yeah. No, I'm really glad you said that because I think if at the time, if I would have described the other issues in my family, the, the three big things, I would be like, well, I'm, I'm fine. I'm, I'm the most well of everybody. Yeah. And really, I, I don't know that that was the case.

Like I had to really I mean you're sharing you a suicidal ideation That wasn't the case Yeah that's not the case Then also You know there's going to be signs For you this is the beginning And I think it's great you have this awareness

And you know your overall Spirit as a person You said just a theme for you in life Has been Things will get better And you confidently believe that Some people are wired that way And that will serve you well

during this season. I don't know that you should abandon that part of you. And you have to be realistic to and prepare for things and prepare for, yeah, what capacity do you have to take on these parts as the healthy person? I mean, I'm saying that in quotes for those of you that can't see us, but like that's now. Fast forward six months. You may not, you could end up like me and be the most unwell of everybody. Well, stress is a huge cause of actual physical health issues. So if you aren't taking care of yourself because you're so focused on everybody else, and I'm not saying that you're doing that, but that's just a word to the why is that

I can feel really good right now, but these are huge stressors and those can cause other things. And so I have to take those seriously for myself so I can show up. and have that positive outlook that I genuinely have. So her specific questions are, should I force myself to face the sadness and just cry it out? I love a good cry session. And the idea of like, should I force myself? I think that I would just allow yourself space to talk about stuff

and acknowledge things. Maybe you start simple and you just journal things. And then you do get a therapist and you talk about things. You don't have to be like, I'm going to sit in this chair and cry. Well, it's probably not going to work that way. Right. And that doesn't feel, that might not be what you need. Also, our bodies are really, I think sometimes dissociation gets like a bad connotation to it, which like it can be not helpful.

But also it can be helpful because we can't go through our lives feeling this much emotion 24-7. We would combust. And so allow yourself to compartmentalize something when it feels. Like, okay, I got to like, I got to pull it together. I'm going to go to the grocery store. Get some items and then I'm going to go home and then I'm going to cry. Like, allow yourself to have moments where you can almost be in a different world and then allow yourself moments where you can be in reality.

Now, take that with a grain of salt because if you're walking through life totally dissociated, not knowing where you are, that's not what I'm talking about. But if I'm, like I think I've talked about, this is much smaller potatoes. But when I was going through a breakup once, I would just say, okay, Kevin, do this one session for an hour and then you get to cry. Like I get to go back to that. That's going to go back to that. But I have to be in this mode for an hour. And maybe you did that at work or something like that, where it allowed you to have a little bit of normalcy.

But then also, then you still, when you got home, you faced things. Yeah, I mean, some days I could do it. Some days I would sit in front of the mic at work and just start crying because our jobs are so, we share a lot of our lives. And I felt like I couldn't say anything. And I was screaming on the inside and I couldn't work. And Bobby would send me home because I just, I couldn't do what I needed to do. And I know not everybody has that luxury. But for most days, I would compartmentalize and get it done.

What are your thoughts on if, since she's feeling now, I'm like I'm picturing. maybe getting in the car, windows down, putting on songs that evoke emotion, and you never know what might come out. And then if you're crying too much, you can pull over because we want you to drive safely. But, or a movie that brings up emotion. It doesn't have to be the saddest movie. It could be a movie that also has laughter. I think of steel magnolias because you cover. I know you haven't. And that kills me. But she's, Paula's in her 60s. So maybe that could be a good one where she would enjoy it. I love that movie so much because you laugh, you cry, you feel a variety of things.

And if you're feeling numb, like giving you something, like attaching yourself to something that will bring those emotions up so you can get it out. I'm a big fan of finding sad music you relate to if you're feeling sad. Okay. Or if you're going through something sad or something like that. And one of the reasons I like that is, especially with songs and songwriting, is because usually those songs are written from somebody's own story. And so you can almost feel like a sense of connection while you're listening to it too. Like I'm not alone because somebody had to experience these emotions to write these words,

even if it's not the person that's singing it. And that feels nice. Also, if you're feeling, if you're having a day where you're in, this is kind of maybe what you, this could be a little bit of the pool, jumping in the pool thing, but walking into the pool. Walking, sorry. It is a very different scene. It's very different.

But if you're feeling super dissociated or numb or disconnected, you can use, which we've talked about this before, changing like our physical experience by like an ice roller on the face or dunking your head in ice cold water or taking a cold shower or something like that can help pull you out of something like that and maybe allow you to feel something else too. So some options there. Next question from her specifically was, should I push those thoughts out of my mind and go along my merry way, pretending things are okay? And by pushing those thoughts, she means the sadness. No, no, no, no. You're not just going to push things aside and pretend things are okay. No. I do want you to roll with your confidence that things will get better because that's served you well. It can be this and. Both things can be true. You can, have confidence that things will get better and know that things really suck right now. And what you resist will persist. So whatever we ignore will be somewhere in our bodies waiting to come out and maybe it's not going to come out in the best way if we don't acknowledge it. So obviously we're huge fans of acknowledging your feelings when they're there. And I like that you added the both and we can have a positive outlook and be really sad. And then lastly she said,

should I stop feeling bad for everyone and be grateful that I'm okay? Both. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. You can feel bad for others and be grateful you're okay. Yeah. That's what you meant. Yeah.

Well, she was saying, should I stop feeling bad for other people? Yeah. You're allowed to feel. Okay, sorry. I was saying, yeah. I knew what you were thinking. Yes, yes. No.

Yeah, continue to have feelings for what everybody is going through. It's very difficult. and also have gratitude for your health. Bam. Okay, Paula, I hope that was helpful. The music you love. I heart radio. Your favorite radio stations.

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Grab the free app. I heart radio. Everywhere you go. Always free. Download the free IHard Radio app today. I'm Melissa Jeltson, host of the What Happened to Her podcast. We're kicking off the season with the Sandra Birchmore story,

a case the police rode off as a suicide in a snowstorm. Her family never bought it, and the man they suspected wore a badge. You never know who that devil is because he's wearing in disguise. Sometimes it's a police uniform. And you can get access to all episodes 100% ad-free with an IHeart True Crime Plus subscription exclusively on Apple Podcasts, available only to IHeart True Crime Plus subscribers. So don't wait. Head to Apple Podcasts.

Search for IHeart True Crime Plus and subscribe today. Lisa, we should tell them about our new show. Oh my God, Lexi. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't Lie to Me. I'm Lexi Youan. We're two best friends, 22 years apart. but so close at heart.

And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references, occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all. I'm not going to get anyone fighting. That is wild. I learned that about you today. Now in my 30s, being the founder of new shoes,

good taste is my business, and I've always got something to say. If men were just honest about this, there would be so much more peace in the world. We're going to talk about dating, relationships, beauty, getting older, and a little wiser. We're best friends, but we don't always agree. Because you told us how accommodating you are.

Obviously, I would do what I think I could do to fight the fight, but there's only so much fight I can fight. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Liar. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

I don't really care. Hi, this is Kylie Breakman. Angel Geratana. Jeremy Coleraine. Patrick McDonald. And we're the hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists Podcast. The Improvised Character Comedy Podcast where each week a new panel of artists discuss their craft. Join us for a panel of wellness influencers.

What I try to do is faux journal. I don't know. Have you guys heard of faux journaling? Yeah. It's reading. It's called reading. So we don't like to use that word anymore. Okay.

A panel of New Yorker cartoonists. Have you guys done Terry Gross's Peloton class? No! I've been dying too. I'm so sorry. I'm seeing a reading of Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes by Audra McDonald's at the Wonderland Bookstore on 14. That's crazy. I went to the Wonderland Bookstore yesterday and I heard Nora Jones do a reading of Zero Dark 30.

No way. You have to come to the last bookstore though. Kim Cottrell is reading the guitar tabs of yesterday. A panel of Eurovision participants. And we do a little Halloween. sometimes. Does the Pope dress up? He winks on Halloween. He gets right up next to the microphone.

I hear you can almost hear the eyelashes hit each other. You never seen Italy so quiet as when the Pope gets up to wink on Halloween. Listen to artists on artists on artists on artists on the IHeard Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lacey Mosley, author, actor, stand-up comedian, creator, and host of Scam Goddess

Podcast. The True Crime Comedy Podcasts, all about robbery, fraud, and those who practice it. Each week I bring on incredible guests like Conan O'Brien, Iowa Debris, Lamorne Morris, and Nicole Beyer. Ooh, I scammed them. What? I can talk to you for an hour. You're a generational yapper, like me.

That's why I had to make yapping a job. And the scams run the gamut. I'm talking about scams from the 1800s all the way up to today. I also warn you and keep you safe against scammers. Call your grandparents. Tell your parents to stop clicking on

links, please. And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube. If there's a scam, I'm here to protect you. And I'm also here to laugh with you. So if you like fun, if you like comedy, and you like learning and protecting yourself from criminals, start listening to scam goddess on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. You're not incurable. You're not broken. You're having a normal human experience. And we have a solution for that. And that solution is our show free therapy. I'm Bellow. And I'm Kevin. And we think everyone could use a little bit of therapy, including us.

Absolutely. That's why each week we sit down with a different therapist to talk about the things we're all dealing with. If you're trying to get rid of anxiety, you're actually fueling more anxiety. We talk to some of the leading therapists in the country about all of life's headaches, work, family dynamics, and of course, dating and relationships. Everyone chooses a different set of problems, challenges, flaws. You have to figure out which set of problems you're willing to work with. So listen to free therapy with Ben and Kevin on the IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Because therapy is expensive, but our podcast is free.

A decade ago, the ethanol kingpin of Iowa became the king of corn in Brazil. So we met with a lot of larger farmers, went from Bahia to Tokut. teens to Montegro. And he brought a team of executives. They were going to help the country get in on a gold rush. Carbon and its derivatives are going to be really the next great commodity that the globe's going to trade. But back home in Iowa, trouble was brewing.

If you live in Iowa, your land, your water, and your voice could all be at risk thanks to a man named Bruce Rastetter. Now people are questioning if his climate solutions have anything to do with climate at all. You got to give Bruce is the guy's credit. They're Republican kids. They don't give a shit of money. It's now. On this season of drilled, Carbon Cowboys,

the story of how the ethanol kingpin of Iowa became the king of corn in Brazil and what it tells us about the limits of technology and markets to solve the climate crisis. Listen on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Next, anonymous question, who we shall name casually as we read. We'll come up with the name. We'll name her after we read it. Hey, Amy and Kat, long-time listener, keep me anonymous. My husband and I have been married three years.

Around our wedding, my husband's estranged dad reconnected with my recently divorced mom, and they ended up dating and even walked down the aisle together at our wedding. My husband was uneasy about it from the start. Their relationship has been on and off and toxic ever since. Worsened when my husband briefly worked at his dad's business where my mom was also working, leading to a falling out between all three of them. My father-in-law has narcissistic tendencies and has been aggressive with me too. My husband wants nothing to do with either one of them now.

Because of all this, we're skipping our daughter's first birthday party this year. It's just too fresh. When I try to encourage reconciliation, my husband wants my mom to apologize, and my mom breaks down crying and says, I'd understand if I knew how he's spoken to her. They both want the other to apologize first, and I'm stuck in the middle. They're my only family and it's heartbreaking. Any advice would mean a lot.

For now, I'm just praying for healing. Holly, we're calling her Holly. Holly. My name is Holly. Holly for, Holly wants healing. I thought that was too cheesy. I know. Sorry.

No, cheesy would be healing seeker. Woman who seeks healing. Okay. I want to go back, but we'll get into the real stuff, but I got to go back to this because this was, I guess not shocking, but I was like, wow, if you were getting married and your parents, this same situation happened, how would, I'm just curious how you would feel them walking down the aisle together. Well, all they do is walk down the aisle and go to their seat. I'm not that bothered by it. They're dating. I guess they would be together at the wedding anyway.

Yeah, it's like, that makes sense. to me. That part I don't think is weird. If they had a healthy relationship but everybody's cool with it, that'd be like, oh, so cute. Look at them walk down the aisle. But it's because it was not healthy. That just seems like, I guess this is where my head went with that. And this is probably my own, because she didn't say anything about this. But I'm like, let these people that are getting married have the spotlight versus it's like this new relationship that everybody's like, did you see so-and-so's mom and so-and-so's dad? They were walked down the aisle together, you know? Right. They could have, yeah, they could have.

Let the spark will stay on the... That part I agree with. Now, this also isn't completely related to this, but I do understand tangling families when you're already married. It reminds me of the time when my sister's husband's grandma dated my dad. Or my dad dated her.

And they were definitely together. And for my sister's kids, four of them who... had their grandpa, my dad, and then their great-grandma, they were dating. So they're like, wait a second, Papal's dating Didi, who is a great-grandma? Grandpa's dating great-grandma? Yeah. Yep, they sure are, which would have made my sister's husband's dad, her father-in-law,

her stepbrother, had they gotten married. Say that again? My sister's husband's dad, so my sister's father-in-law, it'd be like, Patrick, dad becoming your stepbrother right right I mean we were all having to to take it in and deal with it it was really bizarre they were old enough I'm talking 75 to 85 she was she was older obviously great grandma that where there was going to be no marriage but they dated and they spent the night together and we all would have to just stop using our imaginations on that one.

How did they like get together? They've known each other forever. I mean, my obviously. But your dad was just like one day like, I'm going to ask her out. Well, my dad got to, my dad was married when they first met. My dad was married to my mom. And then he had his fourth wife. And then she was married.

Her husband died of cancer. She's very outgoing and awesome, very involved. and successful involved at University of Texas, had a lot of social events, even at her age. Like she just had a spark. She kept going. Even after she retired, she kept working and networking and all the things. And I think my dad was very easy to get along with,

could walk into a room and not know anybody and take care of himself. And she was very independent. She wanted someone that could, she could go on a date with, but he would be fine. And that was him. So she became his date, like, to all these events. Were there ever family events that they went to together? Yes.

Like, then they, yeah. Christmas or something? I mean, I don't know that we had to deal with all that because so many, at that age you got, like, she has lots of kids and grandkids and then not everybody was always at one place. Like, I can't really remember, but, I mean, I would go to her house for things and my dad would cook. and it was really interesting. Anyway. You have the best stories from your life.

Right. Well, I will say we had no drama, but we could have. Yeah. Because no family is free of drama and things could have gotten messy. And I do get that like if that's your family and now it's disrupted and you don't know what to do and then you feel stuck in the middle and. Well, you're, it sounds like, you're just like a weird. This feels weird.

we have to get used to this versus Holly's situation is talk their relationship is toxic right so you're dealing with like this is a little weird but we can get used to it I can be whatever but I wonder if Holly's husband might need to just I mean I get there's some drama here but there might even in the beginning he was uneasy about it and also could be could it be that we just need to get used to it well sure if they weren't it sounds like they've been on again on off again for the three, four years that has been happening. Okay. So there has to be, I'm sure there's details we don't know where there's like chaos happening.

That's a lot. Imagine me and I'm not even your family on and off again for four years with somebody. And there's probably a lot of drama around the breakups. And when we get back together, they're tangling in work and other things too. So I'm sure it's getting complicated. Oh, maybe if we narrow it down to the, uh, the idea of if someone wants the other person to apologize first. Okay.

Like if that's what we focus on. Because that's what seems to be the, why things are at a stalemate. Well, I, actually, this sucks, but, like, you, it ends up affecting your experience with your daughter and her first birthday. Like, your first kid, you don't have a first birthday because it sounds like the family dynamics are too much. Like, I think with going, what you're saying is that then we can take a step back and say, okay, well, what if this isn't a about me. Like if the apology isn't about me or the reconciling isn't about me, it's about the greater good of my family, is there space for me to have boundaries and also open up communication? Because what I wouldn't want to do, because we don't know a lot of the details, is, okay, just be

the bigger person, apologize, and let these people back in your life. Because there might be some boundaries you need to have around you and your peace, but also your kids. You don't, want your kids to grow up in a chaotic environment that you aren't creating. And so can I look at my side of the street strictly see what there is for me to apologize for if there is anything that I want to own? And then also look at, okay, well, what do I need that I might have to be in charge of? A lot of times when we have these kind of conversations, we're asking the other person to do something or change something or whatever. Well, what do I need?

Because I can't control other people in order to protect myself and move forward. And those are what I call internal boundaries. I'm in charge of them. I have to hold those consequences. And then see what happens from there. If you don't want to have this like complete cut off of the relationship.

Thoughts. Yeah. No, I mean, I like that. This is also hard. Both of these emails, these are hard things that people are dealing with. And so I say this, I feel like all the time, but if it feels hard, it's because it is. And if you need space and time to work through this, like take it. You don't have to do it right now.

But maybe that's, yeah, what you think about is, okay, how to, what are the, rather than this person has to own or I have to own, okay, what do I need in order to move forward? Could have, you may have to be the person to do this if this is possible. but I'm trying to think of a family meeting of sorts. Yeah. That might not work. But this is the hard thing about this is, and this is where we have to maybe accept some things that we wish weren't true. If somebody's not in the business of respecting you or owning their part or being open to conflict or feedback.

or something like that, you can't always change that. And so a lot of times a family meeting or even reconciling ends up making things worse. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was my, I slipped up. That was my, my codependent side showed up. Yes. I will say the part of me that would want to call a family meeting, I would have to sit with that for a little bit and realize I may not be able to control this whole situation and me doing so might be a little codependent. Yeah, could you. Like I would love that.

If everybody was open to having open dialogue, that's ideal. But it sounds, I'm just coming from this as a perspective as there's a lot of stuff we probably don't know that has happened to get them here. And we want to be sitting in the reality of what we're dealing with. So if they're open to it, great. Let's have the conversation. But if they're not, then we have to look at, okay, this sucks because this is my family. but what does my family my husband my kids what do we need in order to be our best selves in order to protect ourselves it you might not be fixing that or solving all that right now sometimes

you have to let somebody figure out things on their own whether that's your mom or your father-in-law because you know it's like you know when your friend is dating somebody and you're like this person treats them like absolute crap like you're like you're like you're like you're crap. Like you've, we've all had that where we're like, oh, we, I don't like this person. But me telling them that, would they not, they wouldn't be like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. I'm going to break up with them. They have to figure that out on their own. And sometimes that's hard to watch. But it's going to mean more if I actually understand this versus I'm just following the direction of somebody else. Right. And so sometimes what we need in families is space. It's not like

I'm never talking to you again, but it's like, I need some space and then see if some of that ends up coming back. Yeah, I'm thinking of a family situation that I know where, yeah, space, time, patience, stuff happened this year that was very healing. And three or four years ago, unimaginable. You wouldn't have the stuff that was going down with this family this year that's positive. you couldn't even imagine it ever taking place three or four years ago. And three or four years, that might seem like a long time because it is. But your time is happening, whether we want it to or not.

And you can take that three or four years and just step back and let it do its thing. Or you can be like, I was trying to be in it and be in it and force it and then even pause your life, which do not do. My encouragement to close this out would be, I don't want you skipping it. any more important moments in life. I don't want you skipping any more birthdays, any more celebrations, any more gatherings you thought you were going to have.

You need to proceed with your life, with your family that is under your roof, and know that with time, the other stuff may work itself out, but give yourself space from it, which even the family stuff I'm even referring to that has some healing now, my little codependent self-godom.

involved in that action a few years ago too. I made a phone call. You're like, let me see what I can do. I made a phone call to the patriarch thinking that I was going to make some difference. And I remember hanging up being like, why does nobody see what I see? This is so fixable. And I wasn't met with what I thought I was going to be met with. And I'm like, I just need to be in charge with this family. It's like, Holly, I'll come to your house. I'm like, yes. And then that's not good because that's my. default and I sorry I have but awareness is what's so wonderful yeah as I'm aware of it and I can I can catch myself and I can be like nope nope nope that's not the most helpful thing and even a few years ago when I made that phone call to that head of family I I even knew I shouldn't but it

was so maddening yeah and so frustrating and I'm sure this that's like you feel similar yeah I love the word maddening. That's probably how Holly feels. It's just maddening. Okay, well, Holly, Paula. Thanks for your email. Thank you for your emails. We hope that this was helpful. And to everyone else listening, this is not your exact scenario, but we always hope with couch talks, like something you hear us

talk about here will relate to you or may come in handy because you never know what life's going to throw your way and you'll be like, Oh, wait. Paula. Holly. Their stories are kind of similar. You can email us, hey there at feeling thingspodcast.com, or you can call and leave a voicemail. 877-207-2077. And most importantly, we hope wherever you are right now, whatever it is that you're doing, you have the day. You need to have. Bye. Bye. I'm Melissa Jeltson, host of the What Happened to Her podcast. We're kicking off the season with the Sandra Birchmore story, a case the police rode off as a suicide in a snowstorm.

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