The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - 3 to a Match with Greg Stone & Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Comic and friend Greg Stone fills in for Big Jay and wastes no time in trying out new characters with Bobby. Bobby is wearing a ton of cologne and it offends some of the staff. Ari Shaffir comes in hot with historical facts. Poop talk leads to Greg telling a story from when he worked in the E.R. and an old lady gave him a disgusting surprise. Greg Stone opened up for Jeremy Piven recently. Find out how it went! Greg Stone has a special currently out on YouTube and Ari Shaffir has new one on Netflix right now. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now, the Bonfire with Big Jay Olkerson and Robert Kelly. My favorite, my favorite Beastie Boys song. I mean, not for nothing. I'll toot my horns since nobody in here is. I mean, I'm coming in, I'm coming in smoking hot on these songs. I mean, Christine's not gonna compliment me, but Lou, I mean, I'm coming in on perfect. Nailed it, dog. I mean, big boy Jay, really.

Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan Kenobi Jay would be proud, I think. I'm gonna give myself a pivot for that. For three shows in a row coming in. How's that? I'm pivot. I like that. That's right. Christine's fucking buying a purse on the internet.

What are you doing? I'm trying to find Greg's Twitter's not popping up for me to tag. And I'm like, are you not on Twitter? I'm off Twitter. Wow. Yeah, I'm off Twitter. Speaking of that, I have a very good friend of mine in here. I love him to death.

He's hilarious. He's got a special, Nobody, Nobody. Which is sad. Why Nobody? Because you didn't want to pay for the whole thing. Nice. It is. Greg Stone is in the house.

He's got a podcast. Welcome to Talk Town, available wherever you listen to podcasts. And he's going to be at Grove 34 in Astoria, Friday, January 24th. And all over the place, go to his website, gregfstone.com. And your last name is nuts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nuts. Yeah, it's a lot of Italian, a lot of Zs, a lot of Ls. Can you just say it? Corazulo Monte Parmesan. I mean, I don't even know how to spell that. Monte Parmesan. Yeah, Coraluso.

Coraluso. But Stone's my mom's name. Why would you not with Greg Coraluzzo? Because I'm a fucking idiot. But then you could be up there going, you know, when you come home and your mother's making you look good. So there's three reasons why my name is Stone and not Coraluzzo. There's three stories, but one of them is Anthony DeVito, my friend friend the comedian. Yes, great guy, not that good looking. Not very good

looking. Good person though. Yeah. Physically, ugh. I'd rather look at a flaying face that was murdered by a dog. Yeah, he would be good looking in like the 20s, like a good looking guy, but now not so much. Yeah, he's got a 20s body too. As your grandmother would say, I'm not so much. Hang on one second. Go 20s body as your grandmother would say I'm not so much Hang on a second. Go ahead. I ate a sandwich too fast and my stomach's gonna be talking soon. So So the Vito one day so I'm course if you hear we even hear Coraluso in this music my accent comes back This is this is just this isn't even how I usually talk, but this is happening now. I'm gonna assimilate it to do right just happy We are talking like that. I'm gonna stop talking like that. We're here, New Jersey, we're fucking back baby. No, we're back.

You're sitting in, you're guest hosting on the bonfire. Big, huge. On flames kid, on flames kid. Yeah. Fucking A. So I was Coraluso, Greg Coraluso when I started. Coraluso. I'm doing comedy, enjoying myself.

I used to do this joke about like, jeet, right? Where it was like, Italians talk where they just slow it down, you know, a G G. That's like did you eat the whole bullshit joke? Davido looks at me G I know what that is. It's a whole thing. You'd be a millionaire. I would be you'd ever You'd have a shirt called G. That'd be a thing. That'd be a Sufi G G You can slow it down G. Do you eatet jeet jeet jeet jeet jeet Mm-hmm. I mean I we should steal that and make money now. We can let's do it jeet I'm sure every fucking New Jersey comic is already doing that bit. So who knows so I'm doing that joke

I get off stage and the veto looks at me and goes I just want you to know right now There's two ways you can go you You can be the New Jersey Italian comedian and make billions of dollars. Or you can work harder and be yourself. And I went with Stone and I was like, I'll try to be who I really am and not a fucking stereotype. And what a stupid fucking mistake that was.

The dumbest advice ever. I remember years ago I did a character called Billy the Bass man on ONA. I should have fucking went full force into Billy I should have bought overalls. Yes, I should have bought a hat and I should where we going and I would have been me and you We could have did the G jeet we still play you're going to her. Mm-hmm. Let's do it. Let me tell you my plan We should try that we should just lay into these other people and what if it worked?

What if we became... It will. It will work. There's an easy, there's a door open for us, but yet we're running around looking to climb the fence. There is a gate that is open and that is Greg Coraluso coming back, talking about chicken cutlets,

talking about these people. These people. And I'm over going, going here these gays are getting crazy we can do a two-man you be on stage and I go who are these fucking people you go who are they no I don't I'll be the the the hillbilly guy. You want a hillbilly? Yeah my guy was Billy the best man. Oh right in my bed. So I have a plan and maybe you want to fund this documentary. I'm here to pitch. I just gave you I have a plan and maybe you wanna fund this documentary. I'm, whoa, whoa, whoa, I mean this is nuts. I'm here to pitch. I just gave you some mics, can we settle down?

No, no, no, I got it, I need more money. All right, how much money, I got it right in my pocket. How much is, I don't even know how much this would cost. Probably 70 bucks. 70 bucks, I'm in. All right. I'm in. I'm in for 60. 60? Christine's gonna do the other 10.

Talk to Jay. Can you cover me on five? Lose, lose? I'm gonna need five from each. All right, go ahead. What I wanna do is we get some of my favorite comedians, Vecchione, DeVito, Italian comedians, we get them into a room and I go,

let's write the most Italian hacky jokes we can. Not hacky, original, but the best Italian jokes we can, right, then I will memorize them, wear my jumpsuit, gold chain, become the character, walk on stage, we film the special, cut all the clips, be fucking rich, and then we show the documentary, go it's all bullshit, it's always been bullshit.

I'm already ahead of you. You're ahead of me. Buddy, I wrote a 45 minute hour for Billy the Bass Man. Clean, clean. Why are you here? Where I go, all my jokes at the end go at the end go where are we going locked and fucking loaded I got a counter I want 50 how are we goings on that where are we going on this show today okay do we

have a bell Lou where oh that's it that's a is this a bell that's a cowbell that's a cowbell I'll use a cowbell. I'll do it. I'll use a cowbell. I'll ring it Go ahead. You're the one who does it. I'll do it. You want to do it? I'll do it. You do it All right, you do it throw it. I'll do it. Okay, you do it. No, you do it. Where we going? Hey Did you eat jeep? That's two Wait, no, but you're doing what wait, what's your catchphrasease again? Oh, where we going? Where we going? Is mine not catchy? It's very, very catchy and I love it.

Where we going? You gotta know, where we going? Can I also do it? I like where we going more than did you. You wanna do it your way? You wanna do mine? No, you do where we going. We all do where we going.

All right, where we going? Where we going right fucking now? Because I'm lost. Jacob left the fucking room. I mean, he. Where's he going? I don't know. We went to get our guest.

Oh, he did. We have another guest coming in. Oh, nice. We have, well, let's make it a surprise. Fun. I'm sure he's gonna I don't know. Well, we're gonna guest. Oh he did we have another guest coming in. Oh nice We have uh, well, let's make it a surprise fun. I'm sure he's gonna come in last time. Hopefully not like last time Fucking a maniac like a tornado I'm pretty sure Jacob's trying to find him somewhere right now because he's been here a little bit. He's been here a while Well, I mean Jacob's been out of the room for a while. Well, maybe he killed Jacob. Maybe they're making sweet love. Maybe they're lovers in the night.

That'd be nice. Yeah. If they were kissing. Yeah, if he had a, he's very tall, he'd have to bend down. Yeah. He'd have to pick Jacob up and put him on like a box. That would be sweet.

Just to give him little kisses. What if he puts him in a little baby holder? And keeps him in the front? Keeps him in the front. There he is. Oh. Everybody, the great Ari Shaffir with a brand new special, America's Sweetheart,

streaming right now on you, no, Netflix, sorry, that's me. Oh yeah, no. Good thing I got the one with more views. You made the big time. You made the big time, what's up, brother? Nothing, yeah, I just got off the phone with Netflix, they said, you sure we shouldn't have bought Robert's special? I'm like, I'm sure.

Oh, that's great. I said mine, and I stand by it. How's the special doing? Can you tell? Did they give you any algorithm? No, they don't give shit. It's weird. It's such a weird, different connection than YouTube.

Why don't they? But they know, right? They do have how many people? They give it to you after a couple weeks, I think. But they know. Yeah, I think it's just like, they're not checking every day right? They do have how many people. They give it to you after a couple weeks, I think. But they know. They, yeah, I think it's just like, they're not checking every day. We got too many people asking.

We'll check every two weeks for you. Is the rating still off? People can't rate it, or can they rate your shit? Well, I know Schumer got it taken away because it was too much negative, like hatred. And I think mine, they might put it back on for the hatred. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

No, you can't really see anything. No comments. It's different. It's weird, right? I mean, I don't know. No, you can't really say anything. No comments. It's different. It's weird, right? I mean, I kinda like it. What do you need the comments for? It's fun to be like, I've never heard you before. This is great.

Yeah, it is nice. Like right there. But then, the problem with the comments is you're like, oh, you're great, I never heard, I'm so glad, this is the best special ever. And then, you're a fucking. I thought you had more hair. You're a piece of shit.

You're still fat. You're not Billy Burr. That's right. Dude, you're a fucking. I thought you had more hair. You're a piece of shit. You're still fat. You're not Billy Burr. That's right. How come you're not as good as the other comments from Boston? I saw you at a restaurant once and you're rude to me. Yeah, your wife's a twat. Yeah, but you're not afraid of the comments.

You like the comments? You don't seem, you're like me. You don't really like comments. One comment will destroy my life. And it's not even that bad. It's like this guy was medium and I'm like, I'll blow my fucking brains out. Medium hurts worse than sucks.

I know it does, cause you can't beat medium. You can't beat medium. It's like, you're not even trying to exaggerate. Right. This is just your honest, it's like a three star yelp. This is how he felt. Yeah. One star you could be like, you're mad about something.

Right, this is something else. Is that why you got off X? No, I got I'm trying to get off of all of social media. You know, that's not good for your career I don't care anymore. I think it's I have a theory. What's your theory? I think that if you get off all of them club owners can't look so they won't know So they might be like hey, I hear this guy on the radio all the time, he's got this special, he's probably doing amazing. Pete Davidson didn't have one.

Right, I think the mystery might be more. But no, because he got famous, had a big one, and then left it. Yeah, but if you don't have a lot of people, then it's the same difference. They're gonna be like, eh. So you don't want the club to see that you put up a thing, hey, I'm coming this weekend, and there's four hearts.

Right, yeah, yeah. Right, they could put up the thing. Is there anything more sad than when you put up something you think is gonna really kick ass? Yeah. And it's only like fucking five people like it, and then you look to see, you have a scroll through to see if your friends like your stuff,

and they never do. They never do. There's always some open mic'er from Toronto. Yeah. Why don't we do that? Why don't we like each other's shit more? Because we don't like it. That's a good point.

Yeah, I mean, imagine 15 years ago, someone's like, hey, I just got back from Toronto, sold out Saturday. We'd all be like, so what are you taking chicken to? It'd be like, what a crazy thing to say to us. Yeah. We're not gonna be like, out of board, kiddo! What world is that? I really do hate when comics have sold out shows

and then they promote that it's sold out. And you're like, you don't need to sell that one. I know. Start promoting my show. This is just to make us feel bad. This is to let me know. I never put the things that are great about me on my social media, and I feel like maybe I should.

Every time it's like, hey look, it's me sitting with Tom Holland. But I'm like, everything good that happened to me just goes on my phone, I don't really care. But these other guys, they're getting the likes off the. You gotta know, you gotta do it. Oh yeah. JFL, look at you.

I don't care. You gotta just be that guy. You gotta be you. You gotta be that guy. If you're gonna be the guy that I'm the shit, everything is great, and you can't worry about what we're gonna say behind your back. Or to your face. But I'm not that guy, and I think I'm okay with my career just floundering out. You like that.

Also you'll have more time to yourself. Exactly. You have kids. This is great, I love my kids. I think I have enough friends that they'll still have me on things. I just gotta find money somewhere, that's fine.. I think I have enough friends that they'll still have me on things. I just gotta find money somewhere, that's fine.

Honestly, with the time you spend on social media, you could probably drive an Uber and make more money than you would make on chicken sales. It was taking- The difference in time. Is ruining me, I'd rather write. I'd rather spend time writing. I'd rather write a joke, yeah, that's what you're doing.

You can make a living, so make a living to what you want. But why are you gonna live in the most expensive city in the world then? That's why I don't. Where do you live? I fucking moved to New Jersey like a week ago. Massapequo County. You did.

Oh, shit. What a back in your face comment that was. You son of a bitch. What a, I thought I got you and I were waiting for the trap. Conor McGregor counterpunched. Well, Massapequo, is that a good town or a bad town? I just made up my mind. That is a great poll, but it is nowhere near I live I live near Moncler

There is fancy as shit. I love it. That's where all the cops go. I gotta be honest. I don't love it I miss Historia. It was the best me my wife Moncler is very hipster II like that too. It has all that bullshit. What are you about to do? We're not in Moncler. We're just close to Moncler Stands up because usually closes Weeby out. That's correct. Yes, he's correct. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Before we get in here, I was very mad at fucking Lou. Which? Which Lou? Lou, DJ Lou. Why? Wasn't mad, but.

Because of that mustache, didn't even notice it. Wow, you look like an early villain in a horror movie, like a teen horror movie But not the main villain something that gets killed off kind of early going bored until somebody eventually gets home. Like you're doing right now. Yeah. Let it go. Yeah.

No, because I walked in. I like cologne. Yeah, okay. I like to smell good. I've always liked when a man would come in the room and you could smell. I like that, so I have colognes. I like a bunch of different colognes.

And every time I go out, I spray myself with a little cologne and I hate, I walk in and what did you say to me? A little. Woo! Whoa! Whoa! It smells good though, it's not like I smell like onions. I don't know why you'd have a problem with it.

I think less is more. Yes. That's some bullshit. Look, learn a new word. Can you look up and put on the screen, cloying, C-L-O-Y-I-N-G, definition? I think it fits here pretty well. I really hate when Ari lets us know that he's a smart Jew.

Yeah. He has parents that are still together that love him. First word, yes, absolutely right, the first two words. Excessively sweet, rich, or sentimental. Especially to a disgusting or sickening degree. Wow. It's good in moderation, but then in a lot, it becomes a bit cloying.

That fucking joke flopped. It sure did. That wasn't a definition I remember. Hey, but we learned something. Why don't you add more details to that fucking word, asshole? I know a different definition. This asshole just read a book with that word and it wanted to use it.

Fuck you. No man, look if I'm joke bombs, at least we learn something. It's all right, I'd rather learn something. I'm okay. I like a cologne, you don't wear cologne at all. Get off the screen, it's a failure. Cologne. You don't wear cologne at all, right?

No, just B.O. I do a lot of garlic and curry. Yeah, he smells. A little B.O. though turns women on, I've heard. No it doesn't. A little bit. They like the smell of them, it's right. I hate it.

Norton used to talk, he liked girls who smelled, had a little smell, a little pungent. But then he found out. That was just balls? That was a ball smell? Yeah. I just like a girl who dunks. I like a girl who edges in her pants all day.

No, I hate it. She's the way she adjusts her pussy. I just hate when a girl smells like B.O. It makes me throw up, I fucking hate it. I don't like BO, it smells like onions, but I like a girl who smells. When a girl walks by and you smell her, it's like oh God, I wanna follow her.

Christine, you smell good all the time. Thanks Bobby. What do you use, Gucci, right? A little Gucci or Louis Vuitton? Chanel. Chanel. Chanel, Bobby. You always, what do you use? We Gucci, right? A little Gooch or Louis Vuitton? Chanel. Chanel. Oh wow. She put me, now see, she put me in my place.

She doesn't have to use big words either. There's a perfume. There's a perfume that women wear, I don't know what it is, but I wanna find out so I can get my wife to wear it, but there's no way as a married man to ask one, be like, what do you wear? Buddy, you just walk up to them, sniff their neck

and go, what is that? They love that. They do. Trust me. Try it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, smell and they go, this could go one of two ways.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. Harry, you look like you have dreads wound up on top of your head, and you have a hat over it right now. It's the cans and the whatever, Baba Klava. Bob, I do like the smell of your cologne though. What is it? Well, makeup call.

It's just too much. It's not a makeup call. There's no such thing as too much. There is. No, there is not. Jacob, is it too much for you? It's too much. I heard him say, what is it?

Let me ask you a question. Do you smell it right now? With that nose? No. I did not notice it, I'll be honest. Do you smell it right now? With that nose? No. I did not notice it, I'll be honest. If it's not too much for Ari's nose, it's not too much. Okay, I guess it goes, when you came in it was strong. Now I don't smell it.

Did you spritz it in the car, like right before you got here? No, I didn't spritz it. I know how much to put on by the time I get here, it will fade away for the night, but I like it to be on. Black Lou, do you like the cologne? I think it smells great, but I am a less is more guy. Little whiff. It's for when a woman hugs you and she can smell it,

and then she goes away and doesn't smell it anymore. Yeah, it's like a treat when they get close. I got a little something special for you, get in here. You treated all of us. Excuse me? You treated all of us. I did, and it smells fantastic, and it's better than me smelling nothing. Well, I mean, there's in between.

There's, yeah, there's- You don't have to, it's either B-O or excessive cologne? Or nothing, I'd rather not be nothing. No offense against your special, I think it's fantastic. Yeah. And your career choices are fantastic, too. You should call your next album good. I like cologne.

I like spraying it. I spray it on my wrists. I walk through it. I do the ffff and I walk. Jay smells fantastic. Jay always smells good. He always smells good. He always smells good.

He showers four times a day. In the dark because of his shame about the third and fourth time he showers. Yeah, but he's not, he's actually, he's gonna get my light that I have in my new shower. Dim light. No, it he's not, he's actually, he's gonna get my light that I have in my new shower. Dimm light. No, it has a speaker in the fan, and the light changes to whatever you want.

It's sunset, he can put on a rainbow, it can be like a rainbow, whatever color you want. So it's a little dim light, so you don't have to be naked anymore in the shower. I got an invention, what do you think? It's a light in the bathroom, and it dims as your dump is smellier Smellier it is the more it dims. You don't see you're just gonna shit in the dark the whole time

If you really gotta change your diet bad, yeah, it's teaching you a lesson Yeah, or it turns lights up so bright that it blinds you to be like dude get your shit together man Not bad. You know, I mean, how about this if I get a toilet that goes with that, if it detects blood, it just starts shooting water up your asshole. Sideways, angles. Sideways, angles, and inside. Like maybe not just that one bidet angle, we get it all, like a car wash.

How's that? A blood alert. Solid, good drop too. I like that. I like that, yeah. Who knows someone who can invent anything? I do, I know Toto. Okay, what, the band?

The band? No, the Chinese guy, the Japanese guy who makes the toilets. Oh, Mr. Toto. Mr. Toto. Oh yeah, you got him on the horn. I love it, I got the new power flush. Oh yeah.

Oh my God, it changed my life. No more fucking cutting up Max's poops. It just, it goes like this. And it just sucks that fucking big log right down the toilet. Power flush. I don't know why everybody should have a power flush. You got a poop knife in the house? I used to have poop knives all the time.

I used to save metal coat hangers. And I would- You aborted your dumps? You illegally aborted your dumps? I used to make them into a, like, I would bend them into a handle and then take the hook and fold it into a little knife and I would chop up Max's big dumps. Like carrots, like ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch half and a three-year-old. Yeah boy, right two boys two boys. Yeah, dude You're gonna you're much done. Dude if you're two boys shit at the same time. You're fucked now Their poops are so hard. It's crazy. It drops your dunk. It's like a it's like a giant Yeah, it's like a bowling ball, but when they get to be like nine, dude Yeah, they're eating regular food all the time and they're snacking. Mm-hmm. The dumps come out. It's ridiculous Yeah, but when you're a baby, I remember Max one time,

his shit was so hard that he was constipated and he would cry all the time. I went on the internet and I found, it was in Russian, it was kind of grainy, but this guy just took a baby and folded him, the legs, he's like, to get the poop out. And we're at my mother's house, we took Max like. He folded a baby? To get the poop out. And me and, we were at my mother's house.

It's not bad. We took Max and we just folded his legs down. And I felt like I was gonna snap his neck. Oh God. And just shit shot out of his ass. A little hard pebble came out of his butt. I'm gonna pivot here. Then I talked to the doctor, he was like,

don't ever do that again. Yeah, I'm a podcast host and I'm telling you, don't ever do that again. You treated him like a bottle of Crest. Yeah. I got my dad for Christmas a leather sheath for his poop knife and we engraved it. What?

Like a cowboy, like a cowboy sheath that he could wear like if he was going to a knife fight in the old west. Cause he has a poop knife. He's going to an outhouse. So we got him this really funny leather thing that says poop knife on it, to dad we outhouse. And so we got him this really funny leather thing. It says, poop knife on it. To dad, we love you, cut in piece. I want one.

Yeah, I was like, we could make a billion of these, make a ton of money. I can't believe you guys both have poop knives. Well, because you're- I thought it was that only you thing, and then you're like, oh yeah, how's your poop knife? And I'm like, sharpen it. I got a stone we sharpened it on.

It's like a- His poop comes out like throw up. Yeah, it doesn't do any nice. It's like an Asian girl at a fucking nightclub at the end of the night. And then there's blood. It's the worst. Who's blood? He bleeds out of his asshole, but he does it as a...

Almost always. Just like a normal thing. Bright red or dark? It is dark red from his heart. It's heart blood coming out of him. Well, that's like a thing. Dark blood means it's heart blood coming out of him. Well, that's like a thing. Like dark blood means it's been sitting there for a while.

That's a problem. No, it's the other way around. No, red blood is fresh and it's good. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I get a little packet. A little packet.

It's like you fried up a little bit of ketchup on a grill. And as it like spun around, it like made a little pouch. Like period blood out of your butt? Yeah, it's a little pouch. And then when you squeeze it, it like kind of pours out. When you squeeze it. Shower. I'll go poop, poop shower a lot. And then when you're in the poop shower,

you just wipe it all out in the shower. But then that's when you get that little, it's like a pussy bag, you know what I'm talking about. No, we don't. No one knows what you're talking about, brother. Oh, okay. I mean, I just, no, I mean, I made it up. It's called, it's like a congealed?

It's like a little bag, like a little jelly. Have you been to a proctologist? Yeah, I had a... What did they tell you? He threw up. They said it was hemorrhoids, internal hemorrhoids. So what do you do about it? He can perform surgery.

You can get him rubber band off, which is 98% effective. Let's do it. Let's do it right now. I already did it. 2%. You did it wrong? No, they did it for me. Fat doctor. Inside, you go in there and you tie rubber bands around him so he can't breathe, and then it just like,

if you go like this too long, you get purple. Your hemorrhoids breathe? Apply that to him. You have rubber bands in your asshole? They're gone now, they're gone now. They're gone now. Shit them out. Once the thing dies off.

It just breaks off? Yeah, it breaks off. There's nothing to hold onto anymore. Maybe that was the little cluster, a roid pop it out. I mean, it's been years, so. So your roids are so big, they can actually grab them, hold them, and then wrap a rubber band around them, like a thumb.

Yeah, yeah. I guess so, I never thought of it that way. How many did he wrap, how many rubber bands, like a little girl, like hair? Like a black chick on the stoop. Yeah. Thanks for punching that one up for me. Now we're working together.

And the rubber bands just fall out of your butt? Yeah, I think I shit them out. I'm not positive about that, but anyway, I was like, hey, it's still happening. He goes, ah, bad news then. I did it right, so you're just. Fuck his confidence. What is your diet and you're pushing?

Yeah, I'm pushing. Well, why stop? What? Stop pushing. Why, why do you keep doing it? Stop. Yeah, I'm gonna wear less cologne, just learn. Sometimes it just comes out immediately.

Just like, I'm like, go take a dump and I hear boop. Right. And I'm like, that's not the first sound you want out. What do you want out? Not a dripping. You want a plunk. You want a plunk. You know what I really like? When it makes no sound. It's like the perfect density that it just goes in like a little, like a...

Like a poop-ganus? Like an Olympic diver. Like an Olympic, yeah. There's no splash. Poop-ganus. Yeah splash. Pukanus. Yeah. Pukanus. Pukanus.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. By the way, that's the last Olympic diver reference I know. Back in the 60s. Right. It is. It's so far back I didn't get it. Yeah. Yeah, I like, I like when they just, when you're like,

did I go and then you look and there's a big one and you're like, oh my God, that's a perfect, perfect poop. Do you ever call your wife? Like, honey, you guys are gonna do this thing. I know you had two kids, but look at this beauty right here. This is where the college money's going. That's me, you don't call it, you just leave it. And then you hear later, B, flush the toilet. I know, but look at it. Yeah, I want you to see it. I know, I'm gonna flush it now, but look at that one. I want you to leave it and then you're here later, B, flush the toilet.

I know, but look at it. Yeah, I know, I want you to see it. I know, I'm gonna flush it now, but look at that one. I want you to see it. I didn't wanna throw it out before you got here. I wanna look at you, awesome meatloaf, what it turned into. Do you ever walk in, this grosses me out.

And we've had, I've had serious discussions with Don about this. When you poo, there can be nothing in there. I do not want to walk in and see a little mark or a little, and that goes for your period too. I don't want to see. Why are you looking at me? I don't have a period.

No, your wife does, right? Yeah, but you're staring at me like you're a period. I don't want, when those little droplets or something and it looks like somebody like broke a pen open and dropped drops into the, I will fucking leave Dawn if I see poop marks. I hate it. I don't wanna know that she shits.

I worked in ER for six years. There's not a fucking thing my wife can show me that I'm like, I'm like, show me your shits. I wanna see your shits. I wanna make sure you're healthy. Yeah, I love, I love, there's nothing. I love it, I love it all. You like your wife's shit?

It doesn't turn me on, but I like her. She's weird. Like she's like, you got that shower, I got shit. I'm nothing, I love it. I love it all. It doesn't turn me on, but I like, she's weird. Like, she's like, you get out of the shower, I gotta shit, I'm like, shit, well I'm in the shower. I don't really care. Like, I don't, I smell things, I've seen it, I've seen it. You let your wife shit while you're in the shower? Yeah, I don't care. I come in, I come in when she's shittin'

and she's like, get out! I'm like, but I don't care. What? Murder doesn't bother me. What? Really? You can't even imagine a world where it would bother somebody. No, I know what you're thinking, but it doesn't bother me. You? Really? Well, you can't even imagine a world where it would bother somebody.

I know what you're thinking, but it doesn't bother me. You're like, what? What? I don't know. Like, it smells. It's not brushing teeth. It smells. That's one of the major problems. It smells, but mine smells. We all smell. But you don't want your, you don't want your wife. You don't want to see, I never want to see Dawn with that shit face. Just. Oh, that's, I don't, I don't come unless she shows that to me. That's how I get going. Give me the shit face, baby. Yeah, I love it. I've never seen Don Poo in, I don't know, what is it?

30 years? 20-something years? I've never seen it, and I never wanna see it. Oh, no, you're missing pieces of your wife. This is a great piece of your wife. It's like, oh, you have black spots, you know? You're gonna see her poop face. That's how you know a real person. No, because I know it. She could be robbing you blind. You don't know, you've never seen of your wife. This is a great piece of your wife. It's like, oh, you have black spots, you know? You're gonna see her poop face. That's how you know a real person.

No, because I know it. She could be robbing you blind. You don't know, you've never seen her poop face. Oh my God. I know at the end of my life, I'm probably gonna have to, one of us is gonna have to wipe the other one's asshole. Yeah. And I'll do my time then.

Sure. I'm saving my time for the end when she's just in a bed and she's just lying there and I gotta roll her over. She doesn't get bed sores and then I'm gonna have to, she's just gonna a bed and she's just lying there and I gotta roll her over, she doesn't get bed sores and then she's just gonna shit her little evening gown. I have ER stories that would ruin your life. Ruin your life. Let's see, I doubt you can ruin his life,

but try ruining my life. All right, one of my favorites, this is day two. So, Arie and I brothled yesterday. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Day two. This is even before ER, this is when I was working in X-Ray Quit. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Day two. This is even before ER. This is when I was working in X-Ray, which is where I started at.

I was a transporter when I first started, so I had to bring the lady up to her room. It was a 2,000 year old black woman. She's sitting on the bed, and I still remember her name was Mrs. Black. And I remember calling her, because she was black. And I was like, oh, that's fun. I don't know why, but it was just a good thing to me.

That's not what they just wrote on the chart. What's her name? I don't know why, it was just a good thing to me. That's not what they just wrote on the chart. Um. What's her name? I don't know. All right. Don't know her first name, HIPAA, you know, whatever. But she's sitting in the bed and she's praying. She's her hands clasped and she's praying. He said HIPAA. And she's going, please, please, please.

And I was like, what's up, can I help you? Was she Italian black? No, she was Italian black, Sicilian. Please, please. Help me out. I don't want to speak that, I can see that voice coming. Sounded like the devil in the exorcist. Please, darling, please.

I don't want to speak, please. Yeah, that's her. She's going, please, please, please. And I was like, what was I gonna help, what can I do? And she goes, hold my hand. What's she gonna do? No, I don't know, but I'm hamming it up now. We're having fun, come on.

I want to go in. She was, hold my hand, right? I go to hold her hand, and in her hand, it wasn't, we're having fun, come on. I went to go in, she was holding my hand, right? I go to hold her hand, and in her hand, it wasn't like she smeared poop on her hand. She had a full solid turd that she crushes into my hand and she goes, ah, starts laughing hysterically, wouldn't let go, and I'm screaming, I'm like, ah, I rip my hand back, I put my hand on the,

yeah, I'm screaming, I'm crying, my shoes back. I put my hand on the. What? Yeah, I'm screaming, I'm crying. My shoes fell off. I was hit by a car. You just gave Ari a fucking idea for Skankfest New Orleans. Yeah. How you doing? Love to take a picture, you fan?

Yeah. Oh, fuck! No, go! No! Oh. I wipe my hand on her pillow because I was freaking out. I was like, no!

Well played. Ran away. My friend Moses, he was like an ER tech, he looks at me and he's laughing, and he was like, always wear gloves, brother! And that was it, and that's when I learned you always wear gloves, no matter what, in the ER, just always put them on before you talk to a patient. She wasn't a patient, she was the head nurse,

and that's how they teach you. Yeah, it's a lesson learned. He's gonna come in, I'm gonna shit in my hand, call me Ms. Black, I'm gonna be telling him Italian Black I worked with retarded meant to what do they call them now? What am I supposed to say dad? No Mentally mentally challenged. Yeah, this is what they call them now back when I worked with them. They were morons No, that was before that was the first one they went to that one. They went to that, then they went to retarded, and then they went to mentally retarded. When I was there.

Mentally retarded. They just changed it from retarded to mentally retarded. You gotta call them mentally retarded. Just to be sure, physically they're fine. They were great guys. And I was with this girl, Italian girl I used to know as a kid. Black Italian?

No, she was not black Italian. She was just regular Italian. And I knew her as a kid. Black Italian? No, she was not black Italian, she was just regular Italian. And I knew her as a girl. She was my girlfriend for like a week back when we were kids, like that kissy, bully shit, right? I met her later in life, now I'm 20, whatever,

and she came over and she was just a dirty pig. And I lived with these guys. So I lived with six mentally retarded guys and that was like, I had like a wing of the, it was a three family house. And there was a regular family lived on the third floor and then the first two floors, three mentally retarded guys

and three mentally retarded guys and me. And that's where I lived when I started comedy and all. I'm so confused. Wait, you just lived in a handicapped house? I lived in the house with them. I got free rent, cause I had no money. I had free rent. I was going to college. And you helped them.

I was going to college. I was doing comedy. I had like four other jobs. And I had no money. So I needed a place to live. My ex-girlfriend got me this gig. Got it, OK. You live with the retarded guys.

Yes. Or the ex-men. It's like the ex-mansion. It was. And one of them was bald in a wheelchair. And one night, so they would go to bed and I would have girls over to my place. It was my house. So we were in the living room and she was like,

I want you to fuck me in the ass. And I was like, now I knew her when she was, we were little kids. Right. And now here's this nice Italian girl, hot, little chubby, big nose, and she's just lying there holding her legs back, spreading her butt open going,

I want it in my ass. Like, angry. Like, you know, she was hungry for it. Like, I want it in my ass. I was like, fucking, I'll give it to you. You know when you get to that passion where you're both like, fucking, I'm fucking, do you want it in your fucking, I want it in my ass.

She called me a pussy, she's like, you pussy, get it? So I start fucking, and I am ready to all of a sudden hear, bah. What? I don't know, what? Bah. They called you bah? Bah, that's Bob.

Yeah, I get it. In retarded. Bah. It's funny, because I didn't understand. Just one more letter. The first month there, I didn't understand the word they said, three months in, I spoke fluent retardation. Fulcrum retardation. Excuse me, excuse me, I speak retardation.

I can handle the situation. I swear to God, they walk up to me, bomb, I'm going to the house, I'm going to the house. And I'd be like, all right, you can get dinner after you do your chores, and then they'd be like, I understand everything they said. So I just said, bomb. Mind you, it's like 12, 30 at night.

I am deep in this girl. Baaah. And I'm like, I'm trying to ignore it. Baaah. She's like, what's that? I'm like, it's one of the guys I work with. She's like, should you go get him? I'm like, no, he'll figure it out.

Baaah. Meanwhile, he's in a bear trap. So I'm like, listen, I gotta go. I gotta go see what's going on. I go into the bathroom. This guy was shirt on, nothing else. And it looked like he shit his pants and spun while he was shitting. Yeah.

He'll shit and spin. I get it. It was heavy. True master spin. Nice. It was fucking everywhere. It looked like, remember that art thing when you were a kid? Oh, yeah.

Shitting spin. Yeah, it spun the piece of paper and you just poured the, that's what it looked like you did. And I fucking, I just looked at him, I was like, I can't, I can't, I throw up, I'm like puking. I made him clean his shit up from the outside, like peeking in. I just was like, all right, I just grabbed towels,

I was like, grab that towel, scoop everything into the thing. I made, he was like, uh, no, no. I would have just called the police. I'd have been like, this is out of my pay grade. I made him clean everything up, throw everything into the tub. I made him get into the tub, turn the shower. Everything, I just made everything wet.

Everything cleaned up, I cleaned it all up. And then I went back into the room, probably 45 minutes later, and she just pulled her legs back and opened her but she goes you ready I go you gotta go Just ate you know what I just saw I Think this shit on my phone you filled up on what that guy had Fucking gross. I hate poop. I hate it. was fucking gross. I hate poop. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. I don't even know if I can share this. I want to, I got, this is too disgusting. You know what I do love though? What? I'll tell you what I do. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's playoff time.

Thank God we're out of this. And we're back. So we're talking about poop? We're talking about poop. I just got a text from my mom, she said, I'm listening to you on the radio. Oh, really? No, I'm just kidding.

My mom has never heard of things like that. One of those, they're like, please don't. I know where your mom has serious ex-adult. Yeah. My mom's like, yeah. How many Jews do you think pay for radio? Two. Yeah, all right.

Jay? I pay for this. You Jay. I pay for this. You do? I pay for serious. They never, out of all the years that I've been coming here. I got you a subscription. When?

When you signed up? You asked for one, I said, Bobby, I can just get you a subscription and I sent it to you. I never got it. I'll look again. I never got it. Do one day co-hosts get subscriptions?

No. Do I, uh, Cheap bastards. To, uh, My wife got, actually I have one too. You do? My wife got it for Christmas. And she was like, I got you a serious XM. I was like, thanks. That's a shitty Christmas present.

Yeah. Now, in her defense, I did want it. Cause I like listen to comedy because I try to get my mind thinking about comedy. Stand up, and the rough, that's cool. Little short clips. Yeah. It's pretty good at that radio.

Yeah. What, listening to Stand Up? Yeah, it's like short clips, like I've never heard of this guy, but it's funny. I've never heard of him. It's actually, yeah. I never do that. I never watch Stand Up. It bugs me.

Listen, yeah. It either makes me feel like shit when someone has a really, or. Because it is their best bit, so it's like, damn, this is a good joke. I'm on a tagline, how do they do that? Yeah, I'm going, they're going, marshmellios!

I'll say this though, you'd be surprised how much bad comedy's out there. Sometimes you listen and you go, oh, I'm better than this. Oh, that's nice. Which is kinda nice. Really, like who? I don't know where you're at.

I don't remember their names. Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor, was he that good? Was he? Was he? It would be funny any time somebody's like, oh, Richard P Richard Pryor is the best like tell me two of his bits And watch the buckle Someone's talking about how Eddie Murphy is in a stand-up like he can't be considered in the top five

Because he hasn't done it in 40 years. Well curtain currently he'd be terrible You think currently if he came back spent two years doing comedy? Okay, you're talking about, you already jumped to reality to what is. He's gonna do two years doing like 12 sets a week? Popping in following Norman, following you? No, but sure, if he did that, then he could be bad. But that's what he said why he wouldn't do it,

because he was like, he knows the time it would take to put it into being good. Which I respect that. Thank you, Greg. Thank you, Greg. Also, it would be, he's not used, everything would be taped now. Don't talk to me until you give me a subscription.

I'm very upset about this. I can't get you. That's a good point. Valid point. I just need to get it. Yeah, you can get me, go ahead. What's up, what are you gonna say? No, I'm saying I got it.

I'll tell Greg what you gotta say. I'll get you a subscription. Thank you very much, I appreciate that. Yeah, you can get me, go ahead. What's up, what are you gonna say? No, I'm saying I got it. I'll tell Greg what you gotta say. I'll get you a subscription. Thank you very much, I appreciate that. Yeah, Eddie Murphy. Send it to thegregstone at gmail.com. Well, I was gonna get that new email address and I was literally like, the Greg Stone. Ah, shit.

I want, but if he, I think, because when I saw him do his Kennedy, he, what was it? Assassination, oh, right, right, right. You know, they're supposed to, Trump was supposed to release that today. He said he's gonna. Today at three o'clock.

Today at three? Wait, release Eddie Murphy's stand-up special? Yeah, he's releasing Eddie Murphy's stand-up special at three o'clock today. That'd be great. No, they're supposed to release. The JFK stuff? The JFK stuff today.

What is the stuff? All the unredacted. The unredacted, what happened, all the files on JFK, like what they don't make hate from us. He's supposed to just release, did it come out? Apparently, according to this, the New York Times has updated their terms. Not a big Trump guy, but if he starts releasing

real fun stuff, that'd be great. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Trump releases record assassination of Kennedy, and yeah, Martin Luther King and Martin Luther King. I bet it'll just be another couple lines, and the rest will still be blacked out. It's never what you want it to be. Yeah, that's what he did last time.

My friend said Martin Luther King killed JFK, and that's why they killed Martin Luther King. That's what I think about Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. That's why. That's why. Did they really, did they say anything about it? No, I said he's gonna. It says he's going to, but nothing that's out. I hope they unblock him, and he just says, Did they really, did they say anything about it?

It says he's going to, but nothing that's out. I hope unblocking it just says, it's exactly what you thought. Oh yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, that guy killed him. One guy killed him, yeah. There's no way that. There's no way, otherwise why block anything out?

Who are you protecting, the coroner who did a good job? Yeah. I'm sure there are things they blocked out that are just like, yeah, I mean, I bet, I don't know. I'm sure there's things. He's had a small dick. We got him naked, a really tiny dick. It's just some woman who sucked his dead butt. What am I doing, man? What am I doing?

Your mother's listening. No, mom. Everybody's listening. JFK, yeah. You made me feel like a pebble today. You understand, if you, all we know about, like, weapons now and the internet and all this, there's no way the guys with that fucking

World War II rifle is getting him in the head in a moving vehicle from a window. It's not happening. I don't know. When would that thing where it's like, don't light three to a match because that'll let them triangulate you when you fucking snipe you in the dark.

That's before Kennedy. What is it? It's unlucky to light three to a match. You've heard of that? You've heard of that? It's unlucky like three to a match you for that you for that Nobody's heard that nobody reads for them What is it? Just explain? You don't you light a match and you don't light three people cigarettes because Because then they're gonna like they see the flame and they go. Oh shit. And then who the fuck is supposed And if they could do it if they could do it, you don't think Billy Bob Cunningham could do it?

Greg, I apologize. His wife is... My children are g**ks. Children are in Sardis in Vietnam. Greg, it's okay because they're half. The other half is racist Italian. So they'll know the fight. They both love noodles. Nobody knows that, yeah. The other half is racist Italian. So they'll know the fight.

They both love noodles. Yeah. Nobody knows that, dude. Charles, it's a thing. I don't know it. It's not a thing. Three to a match. It's unlucky to three to a match. Where's the look-up skills? Nobody knows three to a fucking match.

Stop saying things. You brought up a word. Three to a match. I was wrong about the word. Bring up concluleo. Whatever the fuck it was. And it means nothing to anybody. Chloe. Chloe. Who the fuck do you think you're on? Three to a match, it's unlucky. I've heard people say it, drunks say it all the time.

Drunks go, no, don't do three to a match, it's unlucky, because you might get sniped. This is probably, two used to be in on Rogan, where Rogan's like, yeah, I heard about it. I had the guy who invented that. It's from college. Three to a match on the show last week. Back me up, back me up.

Three on a match. According to common superstition, it is considered unlucky to light three cigarettes from a single match often referred to as three on a match Yeah, if you're in war, that's what I always said Nobody's been in war. I ever thought about war. We've been fucking telling dick jokes for money Yeah for fucking 30 years. Nobody knows three to a match The superstition goes that if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same match The superstition goes that if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same match one of the three would be killed or that the man

Who was third on the match would be shot? Yeah, because they could try to do it. The point is don't turn a light on How's that? Don't light a fire? There's a lot of fucking things You don't know when there's a sniper in the area saying the point is if they can get you in the dark off a match They could have got Kennedy in the light. No There's no way the shot is too difficult to make. And here's what happens when you, his head shot out the back. I understand that, but it could happen. If you shot him, the bullet goes in a little hole and blows out the front. So if he was shooting him from the back, am I... What are you saying? It was suicide?

I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying. The answer is gonna reveal? I'm saying it was his wife. Oh, yeah, she got him. Yeah, she shot him right in the face. She had the best shot. I heard you fucked Marilyn, you piece of shit. Well, I think it could have been a thing,

like a foreign government, that they don't want us to go to war with, so they kept that hidden. So they contracted it out, but we had to wait till their government's overthrown. Think about all the stuff we learned about Cuba when we were there. All the stuff about Kennedy, how they were trying to get, he was fighting them and he didn't wanna do,

all this shit that they were trying to get him to do and he was just trying to do the right thing. And all the Italians that had that money in Cuba, all the casinos. That's the thing I think it was the mob. As an Italian, I like the K-Mart people. Or the CIA, or the CIA let it happen because like, hey mob, we're gonna step down, you do what you wanna do. I told that to my mom, I think it was the mob. As an Italian, I like to quote my people. Or the CIA, or the CIA let it happen, because like, hey mob, we're gonna step down,

you do what you wanna do. I told that to my mom, I was like, yeah, we learned all the stuff that he was not even going fully communist, he was still on the fence, but then we attacked him, so we like, so he had to go to the communist, and then JFK was like, you guys embarrassed me with your terrible intel to the military and the CIA,

and I was like, that's the thing, a lot of people say that's why the CIA killed him. My mom was like, Ari, who do you hang around with? And she said, Bob Kelly. And she went, I get it. You need to stop. No, dude, it's all that shit that he went through with the CIA and the government,

he was trying to do the right thing. He didn't want to go in, and all the companies and millions, they were forcing him to go back into Cuba, and he kind of did it half-assed instead of doing it, fuck it, go in and take it back. They couldn't justify that. Couldn't justify it. But the insanity to me is though,

is that they would do this thing and then write it down and then keep it in their files for seven, why would they do that? I think they would just whisper it. Burn it, at some point you're like, I'm never gonna have to get back to this. Right, or you just tell Larry, yo Larry, kill that guy, that's it. It is a weird thing,

because every, I love the CIA shows, and there's always redacted stuff. It's like, just get rid of it, like why do you guys keep it? Yeah, what are you, blacking it out, and you're gonna un-black it out later? You have the originals on Xeroxed? Yeah, we have an erasable black marker.

Yeah, and the secretary that used that marker that blacked out, she knows, you're gonna kill her now. Yeah. Yeah, it's stupid having files on people. That doesn't make sense. There's nothing redacted that's gonna change anyone's opinion. Well, that's not what he said.

I'm not gonna say the real killer was this and it was redacted. That's what he said on Rogan. On Rogan, he actually said, I started reading through them, and they were like, don't do it. Not now. Because there's people still alive that will affect.

I like how Rogan pressed him, too. He goes, I read a lot. He goes, how much? Because Rogan's always been into that JFK assassination. He goes, a lot. And he's like, how much? He goes, plenty. I'm like, half, more than half, less than half.

Like, why are you dodging this, tell me. He goes, a little more than half. He goes, okay, thank you. Now what? I like when he said we have to, we talk about the forest. Because Trump is dumb when he says stuff, but he's kind of right.

Because he's like, we have to rake the forest. And Joe was like, rake the forest? Like, I can't even rake my backyard, it takes me three weeks. Never mind the forest. But he was rake the forest? Like, I can't even rake my backyard. It takes me three weeks. Never mind the forest. But he was talking about the forest fires. The shrubbery we had to get rid of. Which, he just says it in stupid ways.

We have to rake the forest. It has to be raked. He's like a dumb guy that hears somebody say something smart and tries to repeat it. Some of the details are off. Like, you're right, but I don't think you understand this. Yeah. He's doing exactly what I do in every conversation. Except he doesn't go doesn't go I got a bathroom as soon as they press you and leave yeah

It's the best you're coding somebody else and they say and then you get a retort like but that was the second book What he said in his first book is the exact opposite like fuck Someone says your argument is reductive I go I gotta go gotta go, I gotta leave. I don't know what that means, I hate those words. I do that all the time. The smart people words. I'll learn shit and then go talk to no one with the sound and I say, yeah, but that's not true because the guy actually came out and they find stuff

and I'm like, okay, and then I go back to the person that told me that and I go, you're wrong because of that. And they'll be like, no, but they did do that, but then they did this and that. And then I go back to, and I'm just going back and forth between two smart people and I should just stay out of it. And go. Introduce them.

I just want, you guys should do this without me. I just wanna be like, hey man, okay, you listen to the podcast I listen to, because I can't tell you what they said. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just get a feeling of, it was about this. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm watching a great show right now. I don't know what it is about people who kill people. I think I could, I think. Can you do it? I think I could be a hitman. Mm-hmm. Wow. I'm sorry, Christine, are you coughing or laughing?

I'm laughing. You think you could be just a complete deranged sociopath? Like, no problem. See, you don't understand, hitmen. Oh. Yeah, hit don't understand Hitman. Oh. Yeah. Hitman have normal lives. You have a normal life, but then you go out and you have a job to do.

It's a job. I've been watching this show called Mr. What the fuck is it called? It's an Australian show. Mr. Belvedere. Mr. Belvedere. The spin-off is a murderer. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. It's an Australian show. Fuck speed opera is a murderer. Yeah.

God damn it, it's an Australian show. Fuck, I forget the name, I'm getting old, dude. I started taking Magic Brain and it's not working. It's an Australian show. What was that plug you just did? For some, like, get Magic Brain money over here? I'm sick of watching all these shows. I take this, I take this, and I can fucking, I wrote five scripts.

You see the fake podcast commercials? What's that? It'd be like Pete Holmes talking to some podcast host you've never heard of or seen. He's like, so what do you get your writing process from? I was like, man, I just sit there and I actually take Magic Brain because it actually helps me open up

and it got quarter combs to really get me going and then it'll make some jokes. Like, ah, and then it's like, it's as if it moves on but this whole thing doesn't exist. Those were fake? Yeah. Who's that guy? Who's that guy? I don't know.

Yeah, no one knows. That's crazy. It's a full ad drop. Wait a minute, stop. Pete Holmes' show with the stuff that he's drinking that helps everybody else is not real? Yeah, I- Is that what you're talking about?

The Mind Offstage with Pete Holmes? Yeah, that's- No, no, no, no, no. I just took that. No, he's not real? Is that what you're talking about? The Mind Offstage with Pete Holmes. Yeah, that's stuff. No, no, no, no, no. I just took that. He's another guy interviewing him. I have that stuff. It's another guy interviewing him. I have that and I've been using it.

And it made me have bad gas so bad yesterday. Greg Fitzsimmons almost left my podcast. It was terrible gas. Like it was like a ghost, it hung out. Wouldn't bother me. Like you don't care about that. What's that show? Mr. Did You Find It?

Australian show Hitman. Christine. You could be in Hitman. You're about to get your pivin taken away. Oh no. Mr. In Between. Mr. In Between. I was on this show.

What? This is crazy. I was the opener on this show. For Jerry Pivin West Night 8 Show. You never touch somebody else's pivots. Was that a real thing? You don't, bubba. Sorry, I was a little bit punk.

Christine, I apologize for that. I'll wash my hands. You just scared the shit out of her. Really? First of all, she earned that pivots. That's a pre-show pivots, which has never been given out. I have a thousand of them in my house. Whoa!

Whoa! Yeah, I don't really care. Unearned. I earned it. No, you did not earn it. It was on the show. I give out myself pivots. You're not getting pivots now. I was gonna give you a pivot. You should get a pivot for care on our own. I know you did not earn about myself. You're not getting pivot now

I was gonna give you you should get a pivot for being on the show. No no pivot now You have a pivot. Thank you I was on the show Because it's Christine's loner because she doesn't deserve a pivot all the time hold on hold on I was the opener on that show. On the Jeremy Piven show. I was just piving you, bro. I'm gonna show you something. Watch, I'll show you really quick.

No, I'm serious. I'm gonna show you on the other side of the camera. Not your son. No, he's not. If you were my son, you'd be like, give me the fucking pivot, Max. I have chosen to give it back to you. Give me that one.

And I will rip that pivin' up. I will tackle you right now. Why? Because you're- I gave you back the one you wanted. I outsmarted you on the first one. You don't outsmart the pivin'. This is the one with all the pivins.

That's the pivin', yeah, I would pivin' crazy. Now listen, Christine, you know what, Christine? Four. Four. Christine? No one replied. I want my pivot back. Why? What'd I do?

Because you're bringing up the past, and the past is the past. What past? The past when I went pivoting crazy. No, I was bringing it up because the comment says, I was on that show from Greg, and we hearted it. And remember, I told you guys Greg said he was on the pivot. That's good work. That's a pivot.

That's a pivot. That's another pivot. That's an apology pivot. I think Greg needs a pivot for being on the show that started the pivot. I was on the show. You could lose one for something else. You deserve one for that.

No, because he disrespected the pivot saying that. He had thousands of pivots. He just gives himself pivots. I have thousands of flyers that say pivot on them. They're not pivots. Okay. Until they come into the studio. That's fair.

Then they transform into a pivot. They're numbered. They have to get trapped. Bring them in. Bring them in. This is number six. Release the tapes, four. Was're numbered, they have to get trapped. Bring them in, bring them in. This is number six. Release the tapes, four. Was the night magical?

I can write any number on them. Yeah, yeah, let's hear about this night. Ooh, tricky because I've got so many stories that are off radio. Yeah. Oh, God. We're not, we're actually at a break right now. What about some on radio stuff?

So go ahead and tell us what you got. All right, well I'll tell you the, so his audience is very much older people who were very into entourage, right? Not just a regular man into entourage. Can I stop you real quick? That's my audience.

Sure. So into entourage that 10 years later they're still being like, I gotta see this man in Westniac. You know? They're shouting Ari. Yeah. Yeah, oh my god, so much of that when his character came out. You know? They're shouting Ari. Yeah. Yeah, I got so much of that when his character came out. People could finally pronounce my name.

It actually was really nice. I actually owe him an apology and a thank you. So, man, all right, I'll just do this one first. I'll just tell this one. Don't do one you're gonna regret saying. Thank you. I'm gonna be your voice here. Thank you for doing that.

You're talking to a guy who did a Colby joke. A Colby joke. I'm an expert. You're exactly who the man I should listen to. Shot him to fame. Two Netflix specials. Yeah, that's right. That's a good point. That's a good point.

So, this is a choice. Here's another choice you have to make in life. Do you wanna become highly successful? Or do you wanna have morals? Or do you wanna say, morals and stay good? Yeah. Do you wanna be the other Greg or the Greg you are now? It's gotta be a nice story.

Right, okay, so I will say that the crowd, people in the show were a little, You wanna be the other Greg or the Greg you are now? It's gotta be a nice story. Right, okay, so I will say that the crowd, people in the show were a little, they were kinda dicky, just among the crowd people. They're not there for stand-up, probably. Right, and they're like bro-y and shitty, and all weekend I'm walking off and people are just saying like,

not to sound whatever, but like, I don't usually open for people, but West Niyak was like, I love that club, they've been so good to me for years, they don't hire a host, so they pay me to do the host and the feature money, and it's 45 minutes away, it's great, right, so I get good money for going 45 minutes away, right?

But these, every time I, people are just going, uh, you know, you know, can you get, just dickheads, right? I walk off, I go outside, I'm standing out there, I don't wanna talk to anybody, cause they're just rude, and one guy comes up to me, and he goes, it's two guys, there are two brothers, and one of them is talking to me, he's going, Walks up and, do you eat? No, no, guy comes up to me and he goes it's two guys there are two brothers and one of them is talking he's watching G no no he starts going he goes mr. comedian so funny you're so funny my favorite

community is so good and I went dude fuck off like I never snapped and I fucking snapped and went dude fuck off I'm done I don't need your shit you know it's like these shows are hard enough I don't need some guy being an asshole to me and the guy with him goes. Hey, man I'm so sorry. My brother is severely autistic Oh, I had no idea but the voice changed like, you know when you look at like I'm holding a train didn't Freak out when oh my god, I'm so sorry. I went to hug him. He starts screaming Stand him straight in the eyes Freaks

I'm sorry and and I went my pocket to give him money. I was like just give them money I didn't know what to do. I went Let's look at ice cream cuz there was a cold stone which I don't know what that was and I'm trying to people to God, I went, oh, let's go get ice cream, because there was a Cold Stone, which, I don't know what that was. And I went, I would imagine. Autism. We walked to the Cold Stone, it's closed, and then I was just like, what, he went with you? Wow.

He did, yeah, it was like right there, it's like right over there. So we went to get him ice cream. You know what you should have done? What? Just throw in a bunch of toothpicks on the floor and go. Enjoy yourself. Yeah, it was a trick for yourself.

Two, seven, seven, seven, seven. Oh. That's hilarious. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you know what Six I have seven through five thousand in my house Where we going where we going And now you lost it. Jacob, I believe you have a question. Now, Rad out. Oh, we're going to take a break. When we come back, Greg's going to talk shit about Mr.

Piven to add the value to these Pivens even more. We got Ari Shafir is here right now. He's got a brand new special, America's Sweetheart. It's streaming now on Netflix. My travel buddy. That's right. And make sure you check out Greg Stone will be at Grove 34 in Astoria this Friday night the 24th and there's gonna be the Vermont Comedy Club with Anthony Davido that's a great Italian name what

a good last name yeah Greg Stone and Anthony Davido it's a good show February 13th through the 15th it it's a great show. Two of the funniest guys. And for tickets and all the tour dates, go to GregFstone.com and of course, Big J is going to be at the Funny Bone in Orlando, February 7th and 8th, Syracuse, February 14th and the 15th. After that, Los Angeles, Ontario, California, Indianapolis, Baltimore for tickets and all of the tour dates, BigJComedy.com PunchUp.live slash Big J. Oakeson. I'm gonna be at the Comedy Club in Kansas City. Please come out.

It's gonna be cold and depressing and I would love it if those shows were packed up this Friday and Saturday night. Two shows only. Then I'm in Batavia, Illinois and Levittown and Long Island, Philadelphia. I'm coming back and you can see me every Tuesday night, the fact black pussycat, punchup.live slash Robert Kelly for all my tickets and tour dates and youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy,

which the special is up there. Special's up now, Killbox, one of the best ones. Killbox is up there now with all my other clips. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.