The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - 30 Summers Left

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

When a guest cancels, Bobby calls out a comedian who may have stolen his bit. This possible scandal involves comics TuRae and Deon Cole. Bob plays the video evidence to prove his case! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly Bobby you see me trip that black dude out when I knew who sang the song. Yeah He thought it was Anita Baker. He actually came in and rolled his eyes He looked at you looked at me looked at Lou and went what I wasn't twerking yet Yeah, then he locked his eyes in He looked at you, looked at me, looked at Lou and went, what? I wasn't twerking yet. Yeah. Then he locked his eyes in. You want to see them eyes unroll and lock in when I was dropping it down low?

This song, I can make love to this. Great tune. It's a great tune. We're back. It's the bonfire. If Christine wasn't going to be in the car with me later, I would thump this. Why can't she do it?

It won't be fun. Why? I don't know. You gotta stop saying Christine's not fun. No, this has nothing to do with Christine not being fun. This song just doesn't do anything for her. She just sits there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better than what Dawn does.

She starts snapping her fingers. I wanna break her song. To the song? Yeah, she'll go like this. I remember one time we were in the car and I was in the back seat and her and her girlfriend up front They had what's that song gangster gangster. It's all about reality. What's that song? NWA and W a gangster gangster She in the middle talking to a friend I

Asked a question Turned around and she answered the question and in the song she went gangster gangster it's all about reality and I was like yeah this song yeah she did the in the middle of answering my question she went yeah we're gonna go over the gangster gangster like she couldn't control it she can't do and then she did this with her hands gangster gangster she stole from the hood you got a hood rat I don't know if dawn's ever been with anybody other than a white dude well no she's still from Boston yeah well I think she desires

Spanish yeah I think she wants and you know very possible Zorro that's why she's always convinced you to keep that top lip mustache low. Yeah, she wants that goatee Puerto Rico she fell in love with Puerto Rican Bob yeah, then she got fat and you gave her fat white Bob for so many years Then I said I gave a fucking Turkish Bob Fucking Kuiper pass fat so Bob Sheep her to bob shit We had a

He had a guest supposed to be in the whole show today. We had a guest personal issue. We had to go take care of To Ray yep to Ray to Ray Gordon It's too bad my first probably my fur. I would describe him as my first Mentor whether he knew it or not, from Philly when I started comedy. For sure. He, I don't know how long he was doing comedy at that point.

He brought, nice, drop it like it's hot, dude. Drop it down low. That Adina Howard got you worked up. We can buck, buck! But when we first saw him, when I first saw him on stage, like he was hosting all the four weeks that I went and didn't go on and chickened out. And he was part of the reason I was chickening out. I'm like, I've never heard of this guy before in my life. And he's so good. It was just like his stage confidence. That's what he had. He had a very like, confident and he wasn't worried or scared

of anything that was going on or nervous in any way. It was pretty cool. He's a killer. Yeah. He's a, thank you Lou. He's a, he actually, I was all set today by the way. Yeah. I had some issues.

Would you like to address them still? I mean he's gonna reschedule for soon. I think we could address him as a teaser maybe to when he comes back on. So maybe the fans will have some context. You like that, Jacob? I like that. He loves the shit out of that.

He loves the context. Oh God, he loves it. Yeah, dude, I had a couple things. They went into a couple things. It kinda went into the thing. One of the things isn't his thing, but he was part of it. Ooh.

So. What was it? Well, let's go to the first thing. It was the Black Peanut Gallery at Key Special? That's the first thing. I mean, I wanted to call him manager like I was at Alamo Drafthouse at a movie. I genuinely mean this when I say this.

I can't believe that comics were doing that at a special. I, it bugged me. He was right behind me. And I almost said, shut the fuck up. And then I, of course I turned around and I was like, I shouldn't do that. Yeah. Cause I'm gonna have to fight a whole round table

of Philly comics. You went, Ture, am I right? Nailing it. I wanna turn around and tell them to shut the fuck up. What I said was, right? Yeah, I just started yelling out, too. Yep, that's right, son. Pop Keith!

The Godfather, you the man! Yeah, mine was, we had Derek Gaines at mine. Derek Gaines was standing, pumping fist, standing on couch, pumping fist. It ruined the fucking experience. Yeah, I don't think it's gonna cause a problem in the special itself, but it was bat shit behavior for a taping of a special.

Whatever nerdy white editor, it's gonna cause a problem for him. He's gonna feel racist with every edit. Yeah, he's gonna wanna. They go, basically, here's my notes, leave in in the funny take out all the black shit in the audience Take out the Jerry Springer screaming All that black shit going on in the audience that'd be appreciated It was so I'm sitting there and the first one preach dad is that is

Black church it was crazy crazy crazy and to the point where I I was so annoyed I was doing that turn around look with the eyebrow and you know the disgruntled white yeah I was turn around you know it's your that's your birthright it is my birthright to be able to look back at minorities with a face that should tell them you're not behaving whitely right now The only problem was is when you turn around it was all them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He goes. Hey you guys Killing it. Yeah, just put your thumbs up because she's doing great Yeah, it's not like you're at a Marvel movie where you kind of have the numbers on your side. No my uh, I remember Christine

numbers on your side. No, my, I remember Christine one time thinking she was disappointed in what she deemed to be racism for me and then eventually had to like succumb to the same logic not racism. I was having went to go see Batman vs. Superman, the Mall of America, movie theater, nighttime, 10 o'clock movie I think. And we were going in and we were running in already several black, actually it was a pretty mixed bag, but predominantly black teenagers and a few white teenagers who were leaning black more than the black guys were leaning right.

And I said, I was like, wait, let's go to the 11 o'clock. This is not gonna be good. And they go, oh, stop it. Like you're being racist and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I'm telling you, I'm not gonna enjoy the movie because I'm gonna be waiting for everything they do. Your instincts.

And they're gonna do it. Your instincts went off. And they're your instincts went off and they're like up And everyone goes like now. This is ridiculous. I went okay. All right, we'll go to this one Then we sat down then a few more black people came in more than one of them holding Babies and Chinese food I'm sure that was Chinese food in the diaper bag. They brought the babies just so they could load the diaper bag up with other foods.

Yeah, they did the popcorn, dude. Yo, give them my Subway sandwich. Yo, where's that lo mein? Where's my General Tso chicken? They came with babies. What'd you say? I said they rolled in a stroller. Yeah, and I was just like, and I looked at everybody that was with us and I was like, now,

now can we go to the 11 o'clock? And they were like, okay. Did you get up and leave? Yeah. That's racist. The movie hadn't started yet. In fact, it was more racist because the lights were bright and on still.

And they sat down and we were like, yeah, everybody up, let's go. This ain't happening. I'm not sitting here waiting for this all night. Did you mumble a different excuse? We're at the wrong, is this? This isn't? No.

Oh, we're in the wrong movie. No, no, no. I stared down everybody that was with us, in a sense, to be like, remember what you guys said about me out there? And now we all agree, right? This is too much. This is not, we would not enjoy it if we watched it in this capacity.

By the way Saw the movie when I was younger. I grew up in a pretty black neighborhood. There's movies you want to go see It's my same argument with you don't want to go to a Black staffed Wawa. They don't care about Wawa. It's not from where they're from I get that but you want a black staff at Waffle House You get a bunch of fucking white people working at a Waffle House What the fuck is this? I want Greeks at a diner. I want all that you want Arabs at a gas station I'm damn right. I do pump it quick. Yeah, you don't any conversation no conversation No, you don't a happy old white guy that's doing this just as a side gig. They don't expect the tip

I don't give them one. How you doing? I guess you fucking a rab. Yeah, he's nice. I push hard on the a a rab There's certain jobs you want certain people to have of course. Yes. Yeah. Yeah and Yeah, no for sure Starbucks. I don't I don't mind a mixed batch of people But I do want that lesbian white manager who's happy to be there No, and I need a pretty white girl with like docile tattoos. Yeah. I definitely want a gay guy at Starbucks. Absolutely. I want him.

But you can't have, it can't be a flamboyant gay because he's the star of the show now. Yeah, exactly. And everything slows down because fucking Fancy Pants over here has got to do his plies through the goddamn milk section. Just fucking, oof. Yeah, you know what? You know what? Trans gay. Man, a flamboyant gay slows it down man

He's conversation like you haven't seen milk poured to you see me pour milk fierce kick power slap split pour Foam and he's gonna draw fucking cocks in your foam and all kinds of shit. Yeah too much Yeah, you want you want certain people in certain places. Certain people in certain places. Chinese restaurant, I see a white guy working there, I'm out. If I see a white waiter, I'm gone. Yeah, absolutely.

We went too far. And like I say, there's certain movies that to this day, a horror movie, I'll see you in a black theater all day long. 100%. All day long. Yeah, it's the black theater all day long. 100%. All day long. Yeah, it's the best. All day long. That heightens the experience because I have a hard time suspending this belief, but do

black people believe they're watching a documentary in real time? Yeah, they're like me. They think they can affect the outcomes. No, you're different. You want to run and hide from the thing. They want to get involved and be like, bitch, no, stop. no stop why would you man they wouldn't do that like that black people are very logical when it comes to horror movies they're just like don't why would you open that fucking door and it makes it fun that's why i don't want it when it's all

black people in a in a horror movie i don't buy it because the movie would be over the first little creek in the floor that would sell the house. Well, it's why they get killed right away in the movie because they would be the spend the rest of the movie if they were this not the first one killed. They'd be like, let's go. Let's go. It's done. And everyone's like, we're not leaving without Tim. It's like, no, we're leaving. Fuck Tim. Tim's a piece of shit.

Tim's gone. Tim brought us here to his stupid mom's cabin. Fucking things. Horton with demons. We're out. He told us that this place was fucking haunted. Yeah, we drove in a broken Chevy. Things were gonna happen, dickhead. I got a brand new Jeep. We should have took that. Why don't we take my Jeep? Yeah, I did. I don't want to put the miles on my Mercedes C-Class. Yeah, no, that's for sure. So it's like a superhero movie. I want to watch it.

No. I don't want to live it. Star Wars, great watching with the black crowd. Really? Yeah, because they laugh, and it fucks up all the nerds. It makes... I actually saw, um, what was it? When we saw Star Wars, when Princess Leia and Han Solo met for the first time again in the latest one,

and he went up to her and she was just a dumpy Princess Leia, and Hans was still smoking Hans, and walked up and then he hugged her and they were like, ah, motherfucker, give that fat bitch a kiss. He's like, Hans don't like that. Give that fat bitch a kiss. You's like, Hans don't like that. Give that fat bitch a kiss. You don't like fat princess Leia. You're a piece of shit, Hans.

It was funny, dude. Oh, I think my first experience with that was... Right there, lookit, this is the moment they meet. They meet again, lookit, they're looking at each other and they don't, and he just hugs her. And look, that svelte robot. Fuck you. Oh, you know what?

Suck it. C-3PO. Suck it. I could have, I would have? See, 3PO, suck it. I could have, I would have rather been the little round one that roll BB eight, Bobby eight. Yeah, Bobby eight. Oh, why didn't you make them Bobby? If you're gonna get a fat robot,

at least make them like a Roomba. So they're just staring at each other. They haven't seen each other in years. They used to fuck all the time on the millennial Falcom, Falcom, whatever the fuck is called. Falcon. there you go

well it was bobby it was the one that is a word no you're right falcom no fal is not a word no you're right so it was the one that was a word you're right good for you jay you got another one chalk it up on your fucking nerd i'm smarter than everybody in the room. You went, falcom or falcon? It's the one that's actually a word. Suck it, Jay, you're right. You know what, I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Did you say superstitious or snap-tap-ulous? I say snap-tap-ulous. Play it again, let me see it, it's so funny.

It doesn't count. I tried to work on a joke on that years ago and it never worked, but the concept to me was so funny is when people don't hear what you say like just say you didn't hear me. Don't try that when they repeat it back Hey, did you say bowling ass crack? Fuck your mom? Like probably not right? That's not a sentence Like why would you repeat that back is the idea? Princess Leia did look busted up. She died not long after that. Yeah, she was still doing blow and shit in her fucking... No.

At this time? Yeah, heart attack on a plane. She was on drugs. Yeah, she was... Really? That's where she died from? Nice. There's a documentary on her.

I thought it was about her getting together though. No, she wasn't getting... You watch the documentary. Who was her mom? Her mom was someone famous. Debbie Reynolds. Debbie Reynolds. Yeah, she was... Debbie Reynolds looked better than her in the documentary. But they her mom? Her mom was somewhat famous. Debbie Reynolds.

Debbie Reynolds looked better than her in the documentary. But they did Coke Together, right? I don't know. Remember those people? Like Liza Minnelli and her mom just fucking doing blow and hanging out with gays. Her urn is a Prozac pill. What is it? Her urn's a Prozac pill.

Yeah, she didn't give a fuck. She was awesome. Carrie Schroeder was awesome. She was very punk rock, dude. Well, she did a whole one-woman show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But wasn't it about being clean now? Yeah.

I mean, she had her... Man, you got to... Drugs must be so awesome if you do a one-woman show and you go, this is my legacy. I am going to jump back on the shit, though. I'm not going to give that up. Now that I got all this one-woman show money. She had cocaine, opiates, and ecstasy. Yeah, she was 80. She ruled. I'm not gonna give that up now that I got all this one woman show money Drugs

Okay, Fisher would have killed a fucking skank fest. I had to do a one woman show she goes But that was a last time I did coke, but that was a long, long time ago in a world far, far away. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Cocaine, opiates, and ecstasy.

And she did them all on the plane. Yeah. All in her system. Who the fuck is that? Is that Yoda? It's called Wishful Drinking. Who's that guy? What the fuck is that?

What is that? I don't know who that is. That is, that's it.? What the fuck is that? What is that? That is that senator Palpatine I think it's her brother Leia carry your journey to the dark side is Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back.

Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back.

Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back.

Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back., he. Todd Fisher. He fell for shit. He's the one who's alive. He's the one that didn't make it in the business. Did you watch that bit? He's an editor. Did you watch that bit I sent you of Tony Roberts when he goes, I mean I have to add, but he's talking about Michael Jackson.

He goes, Michael Jackson dead, Bobby Brown's still living. He goes, this motherfucker dead, this motherfucker's alive. That was funny. He's so funny. The motherfucker's like, ah. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm, he did though, when I played Philly Punchline, I showed up and he was middling for me. Which was like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Local work, you live there? I know, but he's a fighter. When was it?

He's a killer, he actually come up. Was it quarantine time, like around then? No, no, he went up and he was murder, he was trying to, he was trying. Low you off stage? He was trying, he actually came up to me after, I think the third show. That's his home base too. Yeah, he was like, yo was trying to he was trying offstage. He was trying He actually came up to me after I think the third show that's his home base, too Yeah, he was like yo, man. You you really kicking you killing it after me, dude. I'm pretty that's impressive Yeah, yes, thanks, it's my fucking show I'm headliner I do this too the crowd seems to be my audience

Yeah, he uh, but I got into some shit with him. Really? Not with him directly, but at my last show Saturday, Mush was- Punchline. Punchline, Mush was hosting. Suarez.

I close, thank you, good night, boom, right? Great show. Mush comes up, I'm in trouble. What, what do you mean fucking trouble? Whoa, whoa, what? I was supposed to bring up Deion Cole. What? I guess, too, where I brought Deion Cole,

who I don't really know, I know of him a little, at the time, he was a writer. Sure, very cool. Yeah, I guess, he was wearing a poncho. No, I don't know how cool of a person. He was very cool. I did get to watch him work one day on set of Cabin, though. I got to observe his work.

Yeah. I forgot! observe his work. Yeah. I forgot! He cabined you. Oh shit. Guys, what's, it's like back then, guys had to worry about going to war, so they would have to do it. What?

What? So I come off stage, I come off stage, oh I wish he was here. I come off stage, I come off stage, I wish he was here, I come off stage, and Musha's like, yeah, they yelled at me because Deon's mad, because I didn't bring him up, I just closed the show. And I was like, I go, why the fuck was he gonna go up after me?

What is that shit? And he's like, I don't know, he wanted, he. That's your headline, what are you doing? Buddy, so I had to go up to Deon, he's kind of frustrated or whatever, you know. I so I had to go up to Dion. He's kind of Frustrated or whatever, you know, I was a yo man. I didn't know you wanted to go on I didn't know you were here and he's like, yeah, sorry cool, you know something like that Don't worry about it, but I was like who the fuck does that? It's like dude, you know, I get it if it's maybe Chappelle or I don't know

But not even who goes up after the headliner on their headline weekend? And what are you gonna do, time? You gonna anti-climactic my show? Also, I'm not sure if your audience was really gonna be familiar with Black-ish. They're gonna call him the Old Spice Guy. He's the Old Spice Guy. I mean, I said anti-climactic.

I told you. Thank you. That was good. I mean, I should've got something on that. If you're gonna hit me on the ones I don't get right, give me the ones I do get right. You're impressed with yourself for anticlimactic? A little bit.

Okay. I mean, not anymore, because you fucking downed it on that one. Well, I didn't know that was a big one for you. Anticlimactic? Sure. That's a lot of syllables, kid, and I use it in the right way.

Dude, as your life goes so great that you don't use the term anticlimactic. I say that almost after everything I do in my life. Well, that was anticlimactic. No, I don't. But I was just kind of fucked up about it. First of all, why would you get mad at the... I mean, he's nervous. The kid's a new comic.

He's hosting. He doesn't know what the... I'm his guy. He came with me. And he's supposed to fuck me? He did the right thing. Sure. He ended the show. Fuck it, I'm not doing, he came with me. And he's supposed to fuck me? He did the right thing. Sure. He ended the show, fucking I'm not doing it. He just, you know what? Absolutely.

And then he's gonna go up and do what? 10 minutes, half hour, whatever. So now all the people that paid this to me have to make a choice, like I gotta go, I gotta babysitter, do we stay and watch this guy? And what if he's just working shit out and now the show stinks? You know what I mean?

It's like a weird thing to do. You should've asked to do a guest spot before you went on. It's actually crazy that that was his plan, was to just tell the host to bring him up without even talking to you about it. Not even talking to me, and then sitting there and watching me do an hour, right? Thinking you're going up after me, to what?

To show the crowd how it works? What are you gonna go up after me? I just killed,? Thinking you're going up after me, to what? To show the crowd how it works? What are you gonna go up after me? I just killed, what are you gonna go up? Is it a test? Are you trying to, I'll show you, I'll show you what? I don't know, it was weird. It was done to me once, it was Norm MacDonald. Little different for sure, but I'm saying,

but also like I was. Norm's a legend. I was super stoked to go watch Norm McNeil. And all he did by the way was go on stage and start one joke and just, I think I told this before on the show, but he went on stage and he goes, just trying to buy apples the other day and it's hard now.

So many kinds of apples. And then he just named brands of apples until people left. I mean, 20 minutes. Got your golden delicious, Kinds of apples and then he just named brands of apples until people left Golden delicious Regular delicious that's the comics only I don't know why he has it. Why do you waste time going out? He didn't try a joke. He just ran the crowd off with naming apples and I just left one at a time. That's weird Harrius, it's hilarious. But it's a very weird. It's hilarious. It's hilarious, but it's very weird. It's inside. He came from somewhere else to do it. But look, if the guy came up to me before the show, hey, you mind if I jump on? I'd go on before me.

Sure. Do whatever you want. You go on. I don't even know the guy. I don't even know of him. I know. I know the name kind of. It's not like a household name. I know now he's pretty popular in. I'd say it's pretty black stuff though Am I right black Lou black me up Yeah, I mean he's on blackish. She's on the show blackish. Okay, but he was also no he was actually I'm wrong about that

He was like big on Conan for a long time. He's a writer. He's a writer on Conan for a long time Right. I didn't know him and I would never, like as a comic in the biz, you're a headliner. I don't know, but it's weird, like I would never go to another comics thing who I don't know. In a million years I would never do this again. And say, yo, to the club people, yo, get me up. What?

It's kind of- After a headline. After the headliner, it's kinda like fuck you, you ain't shit, I'm the shit. That was the TI thing with Godfrey. What was that? Jacob drinking I usually mute it Jacob. Don't give me your stare. I'm not even looking. I'm not trying to give you a stare I just actually I meant to be I mean tell you this We're getting lots of emails and all of them are negative about how much you drink on a microphone

I don't yeah people are wound up I know and when you say the things that we do, I always say that we don't either, so that probably feels like that now, right? That you don't do it very much. You're right. Jacob has to replenish his liquids. Yeah.

He's very dehydrated. I had to change emails, cause it was flooded. I couldn't look at one more negative email about this show. Couldn't find one positive thing. It's true. They're all they're talking about

is Jacob and his slurping. Yeah, his gulping. I told you when you told me that all my years in comedy clubs, the only time I ever saw that happen was, Gabriel Iglesias was on his Tuesday night at Comedy Magic Club and Robin Williams came by. Yes. And that was like, and Gabriel Iglesias was like, he knew about it, I think before he went on, I think there was some signal to him.

I don't know if it happened in the middle, but. Tuesday night, not Saturday headline. Yeah, it wasn't even like a full, he wasn't doing a weekend. He had like a standing Tuesday. It kinda was like, you kinda, even the club like okaying that was kinda weird to me. It's bad shit, but it's, no, it's very, very weird.

It gets worse. Oh no. It gets worse. What no. It gets worse. What happened? Did he kiss Dawn on the face and slap her ass? That would be better. Go to my tonight show please. If you have it up.

Do you get bumped for D on call? We'll have Bobby Kelly on next week everybody. Sorry about that. There you go, right here. You have it queued up Don't play the beginning because I flubbed my first joke, please don't do that Christine please It's okay. She asked it out. It's okay. Do you know what time it's towards the end?

That's Bobby I'm Jay and to get our full show sign up for a serious XM subscription at serious XM I'm Jay and to get our full show sign up for a SiriusXM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire. Support our show. Don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff. Let them know you want us to be here forever. Or we won't. Or maybe we won't. Subscribe.

We're looking over there. This is the sound of looking. This is the sound of looking. Jacob, please take a sip Jacob dead air Drink, please. Yeah, it's before that right before that right. I think it's right near there. No, it's right after that Jacob filling the dead air. Thank you so much. There you go. That's a real number. Yeah, right before that right before that. Okay. Here we go Here's one of my I will you call it a signature bit where other comics were like yo, dude

That's a great bit. I love that bit. Oh, yeah, that's is that me doing marshmallows Same voice it's not in there. It is the marshmallow stance though. Yeah, I do that's all I do. That's my thing Flourish the marshmallow stands. Oh, yes flourish? That's one of my signature stances. The Marshmello Stance. I mean, come on, bro. Friends for life. Here we go. Life, my hair's always going to be hair.

I heard that. I have 30 summers left. Yeah. That's a real number. I don't have time for crappy people in my life. Okay, that's it. That's all you need. There you go.

Now, I'd like to present, that's exhibit A. I would like to present exhibit B. Now, I did this first. This was on first. Now, months later, I, the, my feed goes nuts. And all of a sudden, I'm, I'm directed to go watch this. And then what are we watching? This is Dion Cole. I'm getting slow rolling it. Charlene's boy, Mr. Impatient Context Provider. I got it. It's coming Jacob. Have a sip. We have hours left. You can turn yourself to a sip Would you it's Wednesday relax? This is Dion Cole's special This is after my special. Okay, this is now I don't know. Look is this on your special

This no I did this this was in my this was going to be in my special I did this for the tonight show okay, okay, and then This was in my, this was going to be in my special. I did this for The Tonight Show. Okay. Okay. And then I was directed to watch this. And... But you did it that night. First. I did it that night. In Philadelphia. That was part, it was like one of my, you know, look man, in my act, I tell stories, I go off,

I act stuff out, blah blah blah. Marshmellios. Yeah, we do the marshmallow stance. Stance to flourish, blah. Marshmellios. Yeah, we do the marshmallow stance. Stance to flourish. Yes. Marshmellio. Couple of those. Couple of those.

Right? Couple of those, come out. By the way, that was a different one. Yeah. You have two. And then you have. And then you have. Wow.

Yeah. I bet you eat pussy like a motherfucker. Oh, dude, I do. Dude, I'm good. This is what I do right here, ready? Oh, dude. I do It's like getting your box munched by the micro machines guy Came I came sensitive now. Oh, I'm good, and then I go like this hey Here we go. Okay. Is this it? No, this is he didn't say

He this is just before it That's before 30. Are we watching on tik-tok? Didn't have it on the queue on the full special. There's no subtitles. So I tried to find it as a clip. Christine murdered your whole bit. Yep. It's all right though. She was on your defense team. We had it up. We had it up.

Maybe I. It was right up. It was right up. I couldn't have seen him in those yellow leather pants more. All of a sudden I see I got 30 summers left. Is it same punch line or just same concepts? I mean, same concept, same number. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same thing. Oh, no, I'm not debating that. I'm just saying how deep does it go? Is he saying just, was the word 30 summers or is the concept of the bit the same? The whole, I mean, the whole bit was, yo, man, I got 30 summers left. I, you know, I don't got time for this shit.

I don't got time to fuck around. That's the bit. 30 summers left is such a great punch. I'm not patting myself in the back, but when you come up with a good one, it's one a year. You're like, that's the bit. You know what I mean?

That's the bit. Dude, I love that fucking bit. Great, love it, thanks. And that was my bit all of a sudden Right there. I got took it. I got 30 summers left. It's like the same number Yeah, but that's but it doesn't like the punches are different though, but that's 21 summers left. Don't isn't funny 16 summers not as funny No, 39 summers left. No, correct. 39 summers left.

Nope. So Dion Cole stole from you. 30 summers left. More like Dion stole. Oh shit. Hmm? I winked at Jacob after I said that by the way. I love doing the show.

Did that look cool? Yeah. Did it look cool when I did it? Yeah, knuckle pounding dude. Ha ha ha, it was cool. It was cool. You saw it? I saw it.

Dion stole. More like Dion stole, huh? Oh shit. It was a perfect, cool. It was cool. You saw it? I saw it. More like Dion stall. Oh shit. It was a perfect perfectly timed wink is so cool. It was sexy. Oh, my mom just called me. I think I'm in trouble. Why are you snitching on black people? These blacks are stealing. Are you making sure it's not happening Bobby? Back in the day. You're gonna stop him, right? You'll stop him. You'll say something, right? Yeah, dude, it was fun. But look, I never talked to him about it. I never said anything about it. It was just weird. It's like, I don't even know you. You watch me do an hour. That bit's there.

That's like one of the bits, like as a comic, the comics would be like, I love that bit. You know what I mean? And all of a sudden now it's in your special word for word I got 30 summers left yeah just you know I spend a lot of time and phone calls and dear friendship with somebody who did that very thing to me when Josh did the titty fuck the buttcheeks it was the line that I said at the end of my thing It's on his Netflix twice on Netflix that punchline exists. He took your bit. No, not my bit

Your line that's why I was saying like the line. That's why I was saying 30 summers But I mean like 30 summers less the same concept after is I do not get time Type shit, you know, I mean, that's the whole bit. I mean titty fuck your butt cheeks is pretty much the concepts right there You know, I mean that's the whole bit. I mean titty fuck your butt cheeks is pretty much the concepts right there You know what the beginning is the end with that line pretty much the line titty fuck your butt cheeks You can't do that the tonight show Yeah, and you can't do that on the tonight show which is fair. Yeah, it was it was just like fuck dude I've had bits stolen from me before but it was topical shit where it Where it's like, ah, look, you know, I had a bit, Osama Bin Laden bloopers,

like in the cave, when he did the cave stuff. I remember that. You say that was stolen in standup? They did a thing. Family guy. Lonnie Love did it. A lot of people did. Oh, well, I know it was a family guy.

Yeah, a lot of people. Afterwards. Right, sure is a family guy? Yeah, a lot of people afterwards right sure a family guy thing, but uh it's topical I don't fuck with time. It's I have no it's out there sure I can't fuck with that you know I mean But when you're talking like about your life and about your like you know when you do the math on how many real summers you have Left yeah, it's like you know you could it's like you're talking about your you know the whole bit is about I don't have time for shitty people in my life. I got 30 summers left. How's Deon Cole Christine? Yeah, it's like you know you could it's like you're talking about your you know the whole bit is about you I don't have time for shitty people in my life. I got 30 summers left. How old's do you uncle Christine? I bet he's 52. It's not gonna be 30 summers left. Nope

Nope 52 there you go You did a lot of research in this 31 Mortal enemy his was 31 summers last 31 yeah, and he's black 16 summers 16 summers left. F**king mortal enemy. His was 31 summers left. He's got 31 summers left. Yeah, and he's black. 16 summers left. 16 summers left. Which does circle back to funny. That's statistics, not me. I'm not being racist.

Yeah, but the concept, how many summers, even choosing summers. Like if he said Christmas is left. You could have chose birthdays. You could have switched it up, it would have never went on my radar. And you're at my show. You watch me do the thing. You're mad at me that you didn't go up. He was gonna allow you to open for him at that night.

Yeah, that was gonna be a big night for you. It would have been funny to see. You were about to, Suarez actually fucked up. Listen, sure you got the headline a punch The punchline in Philadelphia, but you could have opened for Dion Cole from TV's blackish, and you might know him from the cabin The same episode that Anthony Anderson and that other guy oh I know what's his name the fat one with the thing Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason what's his real last name?

Hebowitz? Dude, that would have been better if someone should edit together that camera episode where it looks like they tell me to shut up every time I talk. Shut up! They hated my jokes so much. Nobody liked you on that show. No, that's not true. Staff. Well, Crew? Yeah. Loved me. Crew always loves us. Crew would have loved to use, no, I'm telling you, they were dying, the stuff I was saying, they were all in on. Tom Sick and Matt Vaughn, it's my dudes. Eric Abrams, they were all in on it.

They were just like, reactions weren't going great from the crew. And then it just started to, yeah, it just went down and down from there. And everything they had us do, I knew it was gonna be another thing that wasn't gonna work out good for me. They go, guys, now just beers, sitting around the fire, shooting the shit.

I go, I don't know these people well. Such a stupid thing to do to put you with those two guys. I was last in a replacement, for sure. For who? Somebody black, I'm guessing. I'm guessing Burt was gonna be the one white guy with everything being black, besides him. And they just saw your outfits from the 90s

and they're like, he can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy was on P. Diddy's Bad Boys of Comedy. Dude, he's got fubu somewhere. Damn, I wish P. Diddy tried to invite me to a party or molest me. He did rub my shoulders though. He was your manager for two years. He's also my manager for three years. Yeah, you almost went to p Did he camp I always had to go to flavor camp

They call it that because for the rest of your life your mouth is salty from all the load you got to swallow We've got if they just kicked you out second day of camp. Yeah, just on a bus those kids do into it. Yeah Second day at camp. Yeah. Just on a bus. This kid's too into it. Yeah. He said, why do you want him? And he squeezed his titties together and said,

throw another hot dog in this bun. So I'm sad that he's not here. It would have been fun to discuss these topics. Maybe next time he comes on. He'll be in. Yeah. Yeah, he had a personal thing going to this year. It's hard to like, look, you gotta look at the timeline.

He might've had that bit, you know, maybe we had the same bit, who knows? Damn, what a crazy backpedal you just did. You called him a stinky, thieving piece of shit. I never said stinky. Huh? I never said stinky. No, I think you said stinky.

I did not say stinky, Jay. Piece of shit. I didn't say shit or peace. Okay, he's a whole shit. I didn't say a whole shit. No, Jay. A whole dookie. I did not say dook peace. Okay, he's a whole shit. I didn't say a whole shit. No, Jay. A whole dookie. I did not say dookie.

You said black. I did not say black. Guy's a whole doo-doo. I never mentioned his fucking skin color. He's a doo-doo. No, I didn't say doo-doo. Doo-doo skin. I just said it was wildly inconvenient,

and it was... Convenient, convenient. Inconvenient. What was inconvenient about about it that he wanted to go up after me Thinking about if inconvenient That was inconveniencing me no I was inconvenienced inappropriate Inappropriate it was and it was insulting for something it was all the ends it's all ends insulting inappropriate inconvenient

Was definitely inconvenient I remember watching Godfrey had that thing happen Was it a couple years ago Godfrey's thing with a TI Yeah, TI went on after him and then Godfrey like said the thing about like how you don't do that It's not like, you know, you don't put somebody on afterwards. But then it's the same thing with the Cory Holcomb thing He talked to TI and he's like TI my man And she has like look I didn't know that was a big deal. So my bad man. Oh man, it's better than fine

I don't I wouldn't even have been, if he had come to me and said, yo, is there a way I can go on after you? I probably would have said, yeah. I probably wouldn't even have had a problem with it. The thing that pissed me off is that he got mad at Mike. I don't like, don't get mad at- He actually did get mad at Mike?

Don't get mad, like he was mad, like everybody was mad at little Mike Suarez, this nervous little chubby Mexican kid who was looking out for me. Blackish versus Spanish, huh? Jacob, blackish versus Spanish. Do I gotta come over there and give you a slap on the arm? Yeah, knuckle me up, dude.

So, you know what I mean? Like if he had come up to me and said, yo, you mind if I head up? I got a cup, I wanna work out. I wanna just do some time. I'd like to go up after you. I'd be like, you can go up before me. Nah, I'll go up after you.

Okay, cool. I would've brought him up. I would've been like, look, we got a special guest. Stop by, he's ready for this. He does this, he's on that. Yo, check it out. I know him that well, I've never seen his stuff. I don't know him, I'm scared of him.

He's got a lot of friends with him. He's got a pretty great bit about 30 summers left though. Stay tuned for that. You know the shit I did he does it more he does a better version of that. He does it a little bit bigger. You wouldn't have been alright with that. You're not familiar with his work. You would have been okay with him. As a comic and as another headline that jumps in, right? I don't have an ego.

I just did what I did. So if he was like, yo, you mind if I get up after you? If he came to me and said, if you mind, but don't go through, don't go through Toure, don't do some, you know, weird, don't go send Toure to go to the manager to say he wants to go up. Now the manager's in a fucked up spot. Now everybody's uncomfortable in a messed up spot. Then go to Mike and say, yo, Dion wants to go up after Barbie.

Now Mike's like, what the fuck is that? You put everybody in a weird position. Even the manager's like, look, I don't know. Because they don't know what to do. They don't wanna fuck with Dion Cole. They don't wanna fuck with Toure. They don't wanna, you know. If you had came to me and said yo

Dion wants to go even if to Ray did it and said Dion wants to go up after you to do some time He hasn't he hasn't been yeah, he's been I just like if he's asking you that he wasn't on the side Like if they're asking me finish this thought he wasn't on the set, you know, he's been he hasn't done comedy in a while He's only in town for a night if there was a certain thing that you could have just explained to me, I wouldn't have been mad at that. I would have been like, yeah, dude, go up after me. I would have given him an option. Sure, but I think in your defense, actually, I'm saying, like, that if...

Oh, you were defending me? I'm sorry for cutting you off. No, sorry. I thought you were actually going to get... No, I'm saying if it was able to, if they came in... if they were able to ask you if you can go on, you weren't on yet. So I don't understand why that wouldn't just be go on before yeah, it's gone before you no matter what? And plus your audience is there to see you you're the if you're headlining a thing

It's weird to ask to go after it's a weird thing that it's it's uncomfortable for everybody and then to get mad at it That's your ego got bruised. So now you're mad you know, I mean? And Mike's all, everybody's like, oh, fucked up about it. So I had a great weekend and then you added some stink to it. You added stink to my weekend.

Now, I'm a nice guy, dude. I don't want people to fucking be angry at anybody. I just had a good night, thank you, give him a check, what a great weekend. Now I'm like, Dion's mad, what, who, what, where? You got long time beef, dude. Well, it's not a... He stole your joke. We don't know that yet.

You wouldn't let him on stage. No, that's not what I said. That's not what happened. He's a thieving piece of shit. Didn't happen that way, didn't come out of my mouth, you Philly rat. I hope they lose tomorrow. Don't worry.

I just think it's. Don't worry. I just think it's just stupid to do. You know, you can just ask and I don't give a fuck about that. Go on, go ahead. First of all, it's all pretty much my fans. So a bunch of Opie and Anthony and YKWD fans are gonna get up and go, yeah, we gotta go or we gotta babysit her

and just get up and leave. No, no, when that smooth brother starts talking. You think? You got that voice, he gonna smooth brother starts talking. You think? You got that voice, he gonna make you want this. He does got a sexy voice. Hell yeah. He's a good looking guy.

Watch how sexy this sounds. 30 summers left. Let me do it. I got 30 summers left, dude. Nah, I got 30 of these motherfuckers left. Thank you. That's all, I just threw the concept out. 30 of these motherfuckers left. Yeah. Thank y'all. That's all, I just threw the concept out. Yo.

Yo, bitches stay shopping. That's right y'all. Y'all been amazing. Y'all been amazing. You white ass crowd, you white ass motherfuckers. You guys ever get chocolate with graham crackers and marshmallows and make them into marshmallows? Marshmallows. You know you talk that good baby talk to your girl. Dude Sultry, Black Bob, maybe one of my new favorite characters ever. Food before

food dudes. Yo I'm on my fifth fat Don't ever Google what you're heavier than it might be a pool table motherfucker. It about to upset your ass Yeah, I weigh more than a dorm fridge That shit stay hurt. Yo, I'm fat. I'm fatter than the thing that made me fat, motherfucker. Motherfucker. I weigh more than pork. Yeah. So there you go.

That's what I wanted to talk to Toure about. Your Toure beefs? Because I love Toure, but I would love to just have him explain some shit. That night, especially, I don't know, because I went up to Dion right away, because you know me, I'm not afraid of confrontation. I'd rather get it over with.

Sure. I don't wanna go hide, I wanna go right up to you, what's up dude? And I went right up to him, he was wearing a poncho, so he looked like a fucking sexy western gunslinger. Aw. It really freaked me out. I lost a lot of my confidence when I walked up

and he had a Gucci poncho on. I was like, that's so nice. Me and Ture, when he comes in though, we'll have to tell the story too. Me and Ture had a thing where he was taking responsibility for himself. They actually ended up not taking me in for that, but it assured my trust before I smoked weed. I didn't smoke weed at all at this point. When? And like when I was

19 or 20 really and And to yeah, I didn't start smoking weeds like my 20s. I didn't know that I thought you smoked weed forever Wow, no not like school at all. I wish I would have would been great But I would have fucked up pretty bad But they but to Ray left I used to let him smoke in my car, because I was afraid to tell him not to. Such a pussy. Oh yeah.

You are really afraid of competition. Dude, we let Tommy TooSmooth rub up on Kurt's girlfriend just so he wouldn't get mad at us. What? In a car. I would pick these guys up sometimes to do the black comics when I was very young. I'd pick them up because I had a car, and I was like, I'll drive to New York and we can go do the thing and they're

Like great and then sometimes they would just show up like Tommy too smooth would show up and be like This is my cousin Earl just got out of jail and my nephew whatever and then there's not enough room in the car now So Kurt Metzger would ride up front with me his girlfriend would lay across three black guys in the back seat And they would touch up on her butt. What the fuck is wrong with you? Nothing. I was driving the car. What is this? Yeah, you put her in the front you put him in the back Well, that was a curtain her issue Jay Jay what we're gonna do we put her in the front and have Kurt lay across three black guys in a Honda Accord hatchback

It was a hatchback This is three people sitting in the back of a car that you have to clunk this seat forward to get out of the back It was crazy what we did you tell her it ain't the night you say you guys stay home I'm gonna drop you off at the bus station. I mean you don't you don't I mean that's crazy was she into it No Ciao wasn't it so you forced her into a sexual assault? No. No, no, no.

That was more of a Kurt and her issue, I feel like. So you decided, you and Kurt put her in a position to be sexual. No, no. I decided nothing. I knew for sure I was driving. And that was locked in stone. Everyone else had to figure out the rest of the seats. So she was in the back getting groped.

You know, in fairness, it may have been Tommy too smooth in the front and Kurt as one of the people in the back. Either way, she was getting her butt touched up on. That's nuts. Yeah, no, it was fucking wild. And it's on her too. It's on her. She should have been like, what the fuck? If Dawn was in the back seat, first of what the fuck if dawn was in the backseat first

Well, she wouldn't get in the backseat If she was in the backseat getting groped she would pull the car over why pull the fucking car pull it up This fucking dickhead's touching my ass. She'd flip out. Oh, I wouldn't have settled for that What I'm not gonna mix it up with this guy cousin Earl just got out of jail and he didn't seem too freaked out by it just got out of jail and he didn't seem too freaked out by it. Why the fuck are you hanging with these people? It was all we knew. It was like these were guys who were like doing they were killing when I watched them go on. So I was like enamored with the idea of good they were.

And I'm like, you know, I could learn from you and we'll go do this show where I'm going to get ripped off for money. Probably. Am I girls going to get sexually assaulted in the backseat? Oh, Kurt's girl That was more of a curtain her problem. I was driving you see This is my testimony in court. No, no, no, no, you understand. I was driving but you were driving but you knew about the assault No, no afterwards and what did you do afterwards about in fairness afterwards? I mean it was brought to us with a very like I think that the jail guy kept rubbing my ass or something

You know, I mean like it was brought to us with a very, like, I think the jail guy kept rubbing my ass or something. You know what I mean? Like, something like that. Did you have to drive home in the same car with the same people? Yes. So you made her do it again? It must be the case. I'm trying to think of how else I could have went. Your Honor, I rest my case.

Is it possible to tell her when she loved it? Is that your case? She loved it. I Mean if she didn't go let me get the front on the way home, then did she like it she goes no No, I was fine back there. Let's rearrange. I want my butts near your dicks more You guys mind if I take my skirt off and just ride home my pants Boy don't hit any bumps. Please. I'd hate to have this man in me don't hit any bumps on the way home Who is it what is it the side streets? Is that a is that a sausage in your pocket you just happen to see

Yeah, we are But to Ray had let I let him smoke weed my car and he left like the roaches in the ashtray I know that when the cop was like, can I search your car? Oh god. I was like, yeah, go ahead And then he just goes pulls those like two roaches out and I was like, well, I don't even I was like To Ray other myself and then, I thought to myself. And then when I told Toure, his first reaction, he was like, what's up man,

he goes, you don't clean out your car, shit? And it was the back ashtray, the back. He goes, yeah, it's on you, I mean you don't clean the things out and whatever, but I'm like, no, I also don't smoke pot or weed, so I'm like, this is like, it's your weed, you know what I mean, he's like, and then finally I'm like this is like it's your week Do you know I mean he's like and then finally I think like we told it on stage together Like one with the Laugh House one night and it was like am I right and the crowd was like no

He was like, all right then well, I'm sorry then man But wait, it was a real sticking point We wasn't like a long-term fight of any kind. It was just a sticking point where he's like, I don't see why, because by the way, in fairness, I ended up getting arrested for that night, me, Kurt and his girlfriend, for mine. Kurt was jumping a turnstile. His girlfriend was something, no, she didn't have a ticket.

Kurt was jumping a turnstile, mine was a... You weren't jumping a turnstile. Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't take the train at that point. You were rolling over a turnstile mine was a you weren't jumping a turnstile I'm sorry I don't I didn't take the train at that point you're rolling over a turnstile I was crawling under it but I got stuck still you were mushing through a turnstile no mine was there was a mom-and-pop video store named Wow video in his little strip mall by my house and And as soon as I turned 18, I went in there, and I guess it wasn't my turn 18,

I must have been 19 at this point because I was friends with Kurt. So 19 or 20, I'd go in this place and you could rent porn from there. Good porn section, it was a mom and pop place. Back room. Back room. Little western door.

Yes. It was great. And I would go rent a lot of porn and then one point I just like rented porn's and like Never took them back or I took them back with the fees were owed and I was like, yeah I'll get I'll get you next time when I come in. I was like, that's never being paid whatever that could have been 40 bucks maybe we'll say at the time, but one, I didn't have 40 bucks, and two, I was just like, let's walk away from that.

I go, I was never going to that place again. It's fine. Yeah, just go to the next one. Yeah, it's fine. I thought they had a database of pieces of shit back then. Move it, well, the person who owned this one is a very litigious guy. Good word.

And they told me this when I went, eventually had to go to court because what I was arrested for that night was a bench warrant, because I didn't know that I was like, he was like suing, you know, whatever. He was like taking me to small claims court. Wow.

In the thing. So I had no idea. When they told me there was a warrant after my arrest, I was like, I was like for, and it was like for unpaid porn movie returns, is pretty fucking hilarious. That's fucked up. You was like for unpaid porn movie returns. It was pretty fucking hilarious. That's fucked up. You got arrested for unpaid porn.

No, I got arrested technically for not showing up to court. It was a bench warrant. But I didn't know I had to go to court. I was never looking for mail that would say I have to go to court for it. I was like, the court? Why would I be in court? I'm like a kid.

And yeah, it was pretty wild, but then they told me when I went to court ultimately, and guy just like dropped it and whatever it was not a big deal at all, but like Spending those couple hours like in the clink was uh was pretty goddamn funny and and the people at the court were like oh He's here Every week on like Tuesdays or whatever it was he's there every week That's when they do all his like oh, he did just sues people every week. He just does that. He just gets his money.

He makes sure he gets his money. Everybody went in there with like, this is the time of like booming, why would you go to this place if not for porn? It's blockbusters on every fucking corner. We had West Coast, there's all these different stores. Like the main big ones that rent movies. No one's going to this mom and pop shop

except to steal their pornography. And this guy was like, I'm gonna get you motherfuckers. Did I miss? I miss video stores. I used to love having a like, we'll watch movie night. You had to go to the video store.

You had to hunt down. You would go down that way. I'll go this way. Too many options now. And you come back with three and then you pick a couple and then you go back to the house. You put them in the VC-Aura.

Too many options. The RCA VC-Aura. VC-Aura. And then you pick a couple and then you go back to the house you put them in the VC aura Too many RCA VCR and then you and then you hit oh god We look great fucking night, then you had to read you had to go back the next night I love it was packed with people standing in front of you know a new release Yeah How about the new release that was like like you got excited cuz I just know somebody who worked at one I'm like do you tell me if patch Adams comes back in yeah Do you have D on yeah? All right? Let's let's hear this. Let's see if it's I could be wrong They know it's a signature bit

Big bit I mean listen to that laughs Big Jay is gonna be this weekend looking to stay home guys If you can get those tickets returned by tomorrow's end of what we say to end of workday End of end of business by divine right in a perfect way Jay will sell out all his tickets this weekend Talking to you mother God talking to you mother She this way she well, that's like a carrot away He's only there Friday and Saturday night

So if you want to get those tickets you better get them now because they're gonna be gone cuz we just manifested manifested not not We're manifesting in the studio right now Manifesting as we speak I'm gonna be in Boston as we go to big J comedy comm for all your tickets Man-festing as we speak. I'm gonna be in Boston this week go to big J comedy.com for all your tickets I'm gonna be in Laugh Boston this weekend. The first show is sold out. Thank you. He doesn't trust me to give his credit Come to Boston or don't man gives a fuck anymore. It's also stupid. You're too depressed to give my credit right now Go to punchup.live right now and get your tickets for me punchup.live slash Robin Kelly