The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Addiction Missions

Episode Date: February 6, 2026

Bobby needs to fill his hole of addictions with missions that will provide him with goods and services. Jay suggests that he just cheat on his wife to satisfy his needs. | Jewish food is suggested for lunch and Dan Soder gets brought up again because there is still resentment in the room. | Jay has trouble trying to use his snow blower in the big storm. | Once upon a time comedians used to have their own app and Bobby was ahead of the game. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Terminator timelines. We're back in studio for the first time, even though it's Thursday for you. We came in today. Tuesday. It's Tuesday. Nice and early. Nice and early.

Let me get some hummus. So we get a nice break. Oh, you want to get Jew food. Well, you brought it up. No, I didn't. I thought you said, let's go get Jew food. You misunderstood me. I explained it in that moment, but then you had Jew food on the brain after that.

I always have Jew food on the brain, right? Jacob. I like that. What did you say that? How did I misunderstand you? How did the word Jew? I was just saying that we'll have a good amount of time. I forgot the wording of it, but what I was saying was,

what I was saying was, if we started two, and we'll have time. But I was even saying to the deli. You get a time to really sit and chill. I think I said, may I said chill or something. You thought I said Jew. I was driving through a monsoon. Because I'm always, I was here Jew. You do.

The place he wants to take you is good. Yeah, but it might be a little, it might be a little, it might be a little, you might need a little more time than what we have. It's a really, yeah, you got to sit and enjoy. You don't want to rush it. What do they have there? A lot of stuff. It's a.

Well, we're on the radio. Be descriptive. What have we have? Here, look at the menu. We tried everything. We had hummus. Yeah. We had Babagadouche.

Yeah. A little baba gano. He ordered lamb chops. Oh, so good. You don't like a lamb chop? No. I wasn't what I, but there's a lot of. a grilled food to look at them.

Well, he's not Dan. He's not going to let you get whatever you want. No, he's fantastic. Yeah, I'm not going to. I mean, go off it, but I take it to a different place. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That place is great.

You'll like it. Yeah. Jacob, you want to go to lunch? Just me and you? Ted's Montana next week. I can't go there with you. Wow. Why?

It's our, we need our own place. I bet we'll have more fun. Just me and you? Just me and you working out. Now, you know what? Okay. I'm bringing the crew. Whole crew.

So let's go to Ted Montana's next week. All right. I'm not attached to it. Why do I feel shitty? Huh? Let's go. Oh, I didn't want to put you through it. I thought I was doing it.

I thought I was being a good friend to you. You know what? Thank you very much. This is a pure spite meal. You're going to make you sit through Ted's Montana? It's not good, Bobby. It's... No one who goes likes it.

I haven't been there. I like it. I like it. Well, then why wouldn't I take you to your favorite place? Huh? Then why would I take it to your favorite place? Ted's Montana's. We're doing there.

I bet he love Mickey Man. when it was in town. Jigal lives the hard rock, bubble gum shrimp. Chicken has a tourist taste. Yeah, he does. He really has tourist taste. You stink.

I'm going to head over. Hey, where are you guys going for lunch? I'm going to go to bubble gum shrimp and get the Captain Dan platter. We should go to Ted Monta. We should have Ted Montana's delivered here one day and do a taste test to see how good it is. We should do it today.

We'll do it today. We'll get what you get. We'll get what Black. Lou gets and we'll taste test it on the air. I mean, I can save you time. It's not delicious. Why are you going? For the company. You can go to

the park and get sandwiches. I'll make you guys peanut butter and jellies with chips. But Dan's got a foot out the door the entire meals. Look at Black Lou's face when I say peanut belly and chip. They tell me the same. They tell me the exact same thing. Exact opposite thing when we're not on the aisle. Because they don't want to crush

your soul. You're on the edge all the time. I'm not going to. I don't own a stock in the place. I just like it. Emotionally you do. You have emotional stock in it. Well, it was originally our spot. Oh, stop saying our spot. This isn't a fucking notebook. Stop being so romantic about the stupid

stupid lunch date when you and a guy who fucking left you? Do you think Dan likes you? I don't think Dan likes these guys. Not only does he hate that place, he's doing this out of like just so he gets into heaven there's some shit. He's also assuming he's like, at some point these guys are going to be like, the food's terrible. We don't have to do this.

Dan left you with me and Jay. He doesn't like you. He dumped you on the fire station of this room. Yeah. He dumped all you fans, too, so fucking stop bugging me. He fucking gave birth to you in a prom bathroom and then dumped you in the garbage pit. The garbage barrel. Barrel, thank you.

That's a bonfire word now. You're the firemen that are raising us. And when I'm raising you. Dude, you're raising you. Really, man. You got to let go of this fucking relationship that doesn't exist. Force yourself to eat a shitty mushroom. steak. Do you get steak?

No, you get salmon. I don't want to be too fancy. You get sand. What? I'm not going to order there's no such thing as too fancy at Ted Montana's. You can order seven entrees with me and Jay. We wouldn't care. I would just go go go what you want. If you looked at me once and said, is it cool if I get, I'd go, get whatever we took you? We're not thinking about that. Yeah. I'm not going to order that. Steak. No. Why wouldn't you order steak? I'm pretty sure that we bought you guys steak at Delphist.

No, you have. Yeah. One of the best things in a... It's a casual lunch. I feel that's taking advantage. I want you to let go of it. I want you to let go of it. I want you to fucking move on in your life.

You wonder why you're stagnant, because you're holding on the fucking anchors. You're right. You know what? You're right. Dan takes you to a casual, stupid lunch at a shitty place owned by CNN. Me and Bobby, I say the first time it's nice out, we take you somewhere where we all have to dress up.

Overly nice. I can't remember that far back. what no no I'm saying we'll take you oh that was a little no that was a dig jay that was a little that was a little that was a little spear in your chest that you didn't feel well i don't think he understood what i was saying well get what he said he said i don't remember that far back because we took them out to eat two and a half years ago oh no no no for sure yeah but it was worth four years it was fantastic been in my house i've provided food in these situations we had a barbecue in LA, we had a big pool party, we smoked cigars.

We do it on. We do it. And we go to Dan Tannas. Don't forget, don't forget Hawaiian food in Vegas, where I dumped. I know Dan Tannas. I rib here to I know Dan Tannas isn't a fucking Ted Montana's. It's two different people.

Yeah. Sure, Dan Tannas is just a fantastic family-owned business for the longest time, and Ted Montana is owned by a guy who owns CNN. Yeah. Who's dead? He's gone. Who's dead? dead um is he dead

Ted Turner's dead no who's the guy who's CNN what was his name Ted Turner Ted Turner oh that's Ted's Montana yeah he's dead oh it's Ted that's him yeah you're going to a fucking a franchise I didn't even know he brought back the Buffalo he brought he what which you know is close to my heart he also brought back WCW wrestling

why do you go to a steakhouse that's crazy I wish you brought back the Comanche Indians and they killed you when you went in there why do you want that because I hate that you go to the stupid We have some motion. Well, he was saying about we didn't take them. It's been a couple years. I didn't say that.

I said, we're not taking them to a casual lunch. We're going to take them somewhere soon when it's nice out where you have to dress up. Where is that, by the way? I don't know. There's too many places like that left. No, we'll, you have to dress. But we will. I want everyone to, it will be required that you all dress up.

Let's go to Keene's Stakehouse. Pretend it's the 30s and Christine can't go because it was only men. Okay. Well, that means I can't go too. Oh, sorry. All right. We'll make it to six. I'm pretty sure the women

That's bad too It was getting better though It was getting better in the 60s No here's the thing You guys started fighting back I think as long as Lou dresses Is a little less nice than the rest of us And butter's our bread for us

They'll understand why you're there Yeah You'll have to stand during the whole meal But that's okay You have to stand the whole meal And you probably have to cut at least One of ours food Wabble Dabble

You'd have to say that every once in a while That'll be your name also If you don't mind He goes hey this is wabledy dabble Dabble He'll be our assistant. Assistant? Yeah. What do they call them?

Our liege. He's my attache. My valet. Yeah, valet. There you go. Dude, I'm done with this winter shit. Yeah, dude. I'm done, dude.

I just can't. I think I might be a snowbird. I can't do it. I hear that. The only place we could do it is Miami, but I fucking hate Florida. I don't mind Miami. I'll do Miami for six months. Six months.

Please. Yeah. Why do so many months there? I'll sit down and party, man. Let's do some gay off. I would do for two months. I would do absolutely January, February. January February, Miami.

We get a little apartment in the same building. Just me and you. Yeah. What about Christine, though? Everybody else will be here doing the show. Oh, they stay here. We go there. I believe we can work out of Miami.

Black Lou as a family. That's right. I have a family. But I'll leave them for two months. D.J. Lou has a girlfriend you can't get that close to international waters, or she's going to be taken back home? What? Especially in Miami.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll put it back on one of those tubs and push around the ocean. What I'm saying is I don't want your girlfriend to get deported, Lou. She's black American. No, I know. But she reads a little Hispanic. Reads a little bit. Oh, thanks.

She reads a little Hispanic. I would do Miami for, Two months. This is, even for a month, this, this, this, this, this, mid-January to the end of February is going to suck. I was irate at how much of a hard time I had with the fucking snowblower yesterday. Yeah. And how much I think it's a shitty machine.

And then watching the video of you having just the shovel thing and how good it seemed to work. I was like, that's, I should have just had that instead of having a tractor trailer in my garage. Well, I have both. I have the one you have, but yours is better than mine. And then I have the snow shovel from the same company, same voltage, 80 volt. But you got, the trick is, bro, you got to go out while it's snowing, do it once, come back out, do it again. It takes five minutes with that thing.

Five minutes. So you do it. I shoveled, I snowblowed, is that how you say it? Three times. You blowed. I snowblowed three times. Blowed. So that's the trick.

To use an electric snowblower, you can. You can't just go out like a gas one and just fucking tear through anything. You got to go out while it's snowing. If it's going to, I had 16 inches at my house. Yeah. Yeah. So, probably something like that by me. I do it three times.

I went out during the snowstorm, kind of at the end, and then the next day. And it only takes you 20 minutes to do driveway. Yeah, yeah, no. That's the trick with the old. Not me. I have neighbors come over and say things like, you wanted to live in the suburbs, huh? Oh, shit. You had him come over?

And then come over and hand me a car. for a boy who can come over and do this better for me? It's better that you do that. Sell that thing and have somebody come and do it. You're one of those. What do you mean? I'm saying that you're one of those. When it snows out, you just have a guy come.

That's where I need. You're right. You're not going to get a bobcat. Four grand, bro. For a bobcat, he has to know how to, he can't have a bobcat. I should probably have a bobcat. You can't have a bobcat.

You'll kill somebody. I'll sell. I'm going to sell. The thing and get my. myself a bobcat Christine's going to drive that right into your gym right into you gym I didn't know what I was doing you can't you're on the road you're on the road get a guy you're a guy get a guy they'll come over soon as it's done and you only they'll come and then it'll be done and you're like I don't even know how they did that physically as human beings how they did it and

they'll just use shovels which is nuts yeah yeah you know what they do have though that I saw you can attach it to the back of your truck it's a hooks onto the ball on the back of your truck it's a plow head so you just back up and it pushes the snow that's pretty crazy the thing about the truck is it just goes right over I know but then you pack the snow down and then it then it's too hard to get up with a shovel well then when I got out of the car I realized it was up to my knees yeah my descended down yeah that thing right there that's crazy black loot uh had something on his thing today that was the plow that drops the

side down yeah that's in front of the That's in Canada. But yeah, it's a plow that also takes the snow and puts it into a dump truck. Well, it's the one puts in the dump truck. Then you showed one where the arm drops down to get your front of your driveway. Yes. If all these things exist, why do it the wrong way still? Because they've got to pay for that thing.

You know? I hate people. The worst part about shoveling is that the next day when the plow comes for the city road, they just cement you into your driveway. And then you're going to go deal with that. Look at that. Perfect. That's amazing.

Right? Yeah, where is that? Is that in Germany? That's also in Canada. That's in Canada. But it's like, how much taxes do we pay? You tell me we can't get that. Dude, Black Lou wants to be white so bad.

He just watches Canada videos all day. That's how you do it. By the way, that's the first... Black Lou calls Canada the Motherland. Yeah, that's the first... Black Lou, that's not the Motherland. You're upsetting other black people with that. It's the first course in becoming white is watch all Canadian things.

You're going to watch Canadian videos. I'll take you there. Yeah, I'll take you there. You should just get a guy to come over. She calls them and they call. Actually, you don't have to call them. They just come. Yeah.

Yeah. I apologize for Christine coming in a little bit late. It is borderline my fault. I got a car out of the driveway this morning with four-wheel drive low. You know what that means? Yeah, I do. I'm just learning. Okay, yeah.

Four-wheel drive low, which will pretty much get you over anything. I think I can climb a house of four-wheel drive low. So got her out and then, you know, so she could be there, and I went back inside, and I was like, I got the car of the driveway for you. And when she got on the highway, it was still in four-wheel drive low. You didn't put it back. She called frustrated, and I was in the phone with Fanoia.

Yeah. And she called, and I was just like, you're in the queue at this point, having a good laughy conversation. And then she called, like, another time. And I was like, well, that's probably something. So I hung up with him to call her back, and she was like, I can't get the car to accelerate. You're in full low.

You've got to just switch it. You've got to pull over. You've got to pull over neutral and put it back in. Right. And then she goes, I'm pushing the button. It's not turning off. It's not turning off. And I go, hold the button in.

And she did, and she goes, all right, thank you. She was so frustrated sounding. And it is funny because that was just a guest to hold it down. I didn't know if that was going to turn it off either, but it did. Because when she goes, when she goes, thank you, I was like, worked? She goes, yeah, I know, okay. The tranny falls out. Yep, it worked.

Yeah. I hate it, but the neighbors, the, the, the, That's so funny. No, I think it was his, maybe his dad or somebody who goes, you want to move in the suburbs. Again, they're just like those phrases. I'm a little overhearing now. Welcome to homeownership makes you want to fucking,

I want to put a fucking brick through their window. Yeah, I know. Welcome to home ownership. That's not what homeownership always is. And I was asking this, there has to be the best thing for everything. Do you know what I mean? You don't have to worry about the constant things?

Yeah. Isn't there just the best thing? Can you do the best thing for? four at once? Yeah, it's a Mexican guy. No, I mean like the thing. He'll do everything. Like our windows, our windows in the house. I have Fabio that comes over and does anything. But I bet you have somebody's

are windows in the house. Crazy drafty. Crazy drafty in front of those windows and I'm like, isn't there just a way to make that not the case? Yeah, Fabio. Fabio. My windows are drafty. Okay, I'll be over and then they're not drafty. My gutter. Fucking fixes them, dude. Huh? You're going to have to change the windows. No, you

can fix them. You can put some, you put Double pain. Well, yeah, that's expensive. You can put caulking around the windows. No, but it's expensive. I'm not even saying I can get these things or afford these things. I'm just saying, tell me there is the thing to work towards for everything. You could have the perfect house.

I know you could have a water heater that's not a fucking big tank and just be a thing on the wall now. That should be the thing. They keep saying about your, and these, by the way, this is coming from the babblings of, treat me like a 13-year-old girl who knows anything about home repair or anything. But they're always like, you know, make sure you don't have one of those houses where you have to let the water drip so your pipes don't explode or you do this or the

and it's like isn't there just a thing they could do to pipes to make sure that never happens like pipe warmers hit these things never been, they have to exist though

they have pipe warmers you can have pipe warmers put on there's roof heat there's roof heat there's driveway heat yeah probably walkway heat there's walkway heat there's walkway have bathroom heat

bathroom heat's not in the sense that doesn't change something in the house so that's a problem that's a luxury change my fucking old feet when I go to the shower and I go Your plentiphyitis.

And then I go, now I go, ah. When I take a poop, I'm like, ah. This, dude, there's everything you can do to your house. Right. But it's the cost of doing it. And who's going to do it? But I'm just saying there is a solution for all of these things. Yes.

There's the perfect floor. These epoxy floors I keep seeing in my algorithm can't be real. They're real. I would have that happen in my house tomorrow. It's too expensive to build the house with everything. that would be perfect and never give you. That's the problem. They do use the cheapest stuff and then it's on the year.

The problem with those things too is you get these things done and then they break and you're fucked. Like if my heated floors, when we first got them, they weren't working. So he had to go in and pull up a thing. And that sucked. Sure. You know, but so when they do break, that's like when I got a fridge, I wanted the fridge that does everything.

But you get those things and then they break and your fridge is just a fucking dumb fridge that doesn't work. Isn't there an update on a fuse box that's not a bunch of fucking wires looks like everything I'm going to touch him and get zapped across the room like fucking Marty McFly. I think everything I go. Maybe it's the kitchen. Blan. I feel like I'm going to slap against the wall and slide down. Yeah, the fuse box I think is the most frightening thing in the house. I'm like, why is it so archaic? Yeah. In the middle of everything. It's just exposed wires everywhere. Well, we got, there's all different versions of it too. Switches and markers to tell me everything. We got a, it's written in pencil.

It's like marker, yeah, it's like kit. I guess that's one of the kitchen things. We got the generator for the house, and you could get the generator for the house that automatically turns on, runs on propane, and just, if the thing shuts off, it just flips, goes, and you don't miss a beat. But we got the one that you have to go outside,

pull the generator out, start it, but I have to plug it into a certain plug-ah-head, put in, but I have to make sure I shut off a certain thing on the fuse box. I would just move. I know. And he showed me five times and I still forget it. Yeah, Christine's really like, if me and Christine break up, like, I have to leave because I don't know.

Like, she's looked at the things. She's had time to like study and things, I'll have no idea. She's like, well, we gotta shut off this valve and this valve for the sprinkler thing right now. And I'm like, yeah. Dude, if it would just explode if I was ever myself. If Don, I was thinking about this, this weekend. Dawn died, I'd be fucked.

I don't know anything. But on the bright side, I was like, I'm just going to get a two-bedroom in Manhattan and then send Max to PS-72-15, whatever school is in that area, and just live life and deal with it. Yeah. And just go. And just be like, dude, walk up the street to school. Come home. Here's the key.

We'll have a blast. Where's Dawn? She's dead. Oh. She's dead. I'd have to sell the house. Oh, okay. She died.

I'd have to sell everything. and just fucking collect that money because I'd have to simplify everything. I don't know the bank accounts. I don't know where the money. I don't know any. I don't know my fucking my Medicaid. I don't know how to spell Massachusetts.

Me and Christine's exit meeting would really be like, do we have a plumber? What's his name? How do you get a hold of him? Does he show up? Is he good? Yeah, I'm hoping I, I hope I die first. Who's the handy guy?

Do we have an electrician? Is there an electrician? I think there is, right? Does he handle this stuff? No, okay. I'm going to start giving hand jobs to Fabian like Don does. Yeah. Is that scary noise the heat coming on?

Because I don't know. I'm not here enough. I know. I wanted to change the heat out for the split units. I wanted split units all over because they don't make the heat. We have oil heat. So when it comes on, it's just like, click, click, click, click, pink, king, pink, ting, king, king, king, king, king, king king king king king. Ebenezer Scroo.

Oh. Is that really expensive? Uh, no. Oil heat? Oil heat? No. No. It's like fucking frontier prices.

The guy. The guy came the other day. He just fills up this big grubby tank. Yeah, I think Bobby just trades goods for it. Yeah. I trade to beaver pelt and buffalo hives. Banana breadloafes. Yeah, no, oils. It's a little tiny thing, too.

It's the easiest one. And it's the safest. What is this we're seeing? On the screen. Oh, you had this? I was just like a thing that was up. I was just trying to find the snow stuff we were talking about before. And then we just switched seats.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's nothing. I would like to know what the best. snowblower is. I think my neighbors have it because they all had the same one when I saw them out there killing it with theirs and then watching me punch mine. Ours is really intense.

What do you mean intense? It's just like a huge piece of machinery. How, it, but it, but it, but it, I hate it. But why doesn't you're saying it doesn't work. Does it not turn on? No, it works. It's just like, I don't know. The batteries go a second. Can I be honest, the batteries go quick. I also don't think, it's just

not actually great for the fucking brick part yeah you're right you're right I think it's catching with a shovel you had what do you mean on your Instagram

I told him oh yeah the the power shovel the green works 80 volt it's pretty good yeah I saw that there's a deal with that another snowblower we just need to ask our neighbors

what to do why don't you just get the snowblower snowblower that your neighbor has I need to get rid of everything's by getting rid of how much you want for it how much for my snowblower yeah

$7,500 dollars. But it's not, that's a lot of money, bro. Yeah. That's like a pickup only. I get an antique Corvette for that much money. You don't know what I paid for it. Yeah, I do.

I told you to get it. That's true. I'll buy it. No. I will. I'll buy it because yours is better than mine and mine's fine. Is it? Yeah.

Yours is the upgraded version. Greenworks. 80 volt, right? Yeah. Three batteries. Oh, dude. I'll buy it tomorrow. How much?

400 bucks. How are you getting it? I have a truck. I'll drive to your house and throw it in the back of my truck. We'll ride it up. Does it like whisper quiet? And does it happen? No, it's crazy.

It's like for, I don't know what it is. That's a good one. Like for a fucking football field or something. You know why it actually sucks the power out? Because you got the one that moves. Oh, yeah. Mine, you push. Well, this one drives.

Mine doesn't drive. Got away from me a couple times. Yeah, I was like, I'm going to crash. Just thinking to them, I was like, really careful when I got to the house, I would stop like way far away from it just because I was like, watch me fucking destroy something with this thing. Yeah, that's the ultimate. I mean, it's nuts.

It's like... You get it, I'll do half price, so you get it out of my house. All right. Oh, you spent that much? Yeah. Do half half. Jesus. I bet we could sell it for half.

Yeah, you could, but why don't you sell it? I'll buy it. What do you want, a thousand? Why don't you just send us the one our neighbors have, and then you take this one. Whatever that costs. I just get the one your neighbors are. You should just get the one my neighbor's at. I don't know why you have a problem.

Mine, I do the whole driveway on one battery. has a lot to do with it because I tell you when I got to the sidewalk part into the sidewalk the sidewalk was surprisingly easy and good that went actually well yeah so it's going to the side of the driveway and the actual brick driveway it's it catches and I probably fucking the bricks up when I'm doing that yeah the bricks suck to shovel yeah or snowblower anything even with a better you know what you do really easy with them is you could heat it because they just pull the brick up and lay stuff under and then in between yeah that's true you know don't think you can pull the brick up.

Nobody listens to our show. I know, they don't care. They're just, he's waiting to play a sound. He's waiting to write something down that we said wrong. I made a whole reference to yesterday. Black Lou's waiting for Christine to have a stroke so we can jump in that chair. Bobby said it was super easy. Bobby said it.

Yeah, he's hoping Christine. I got it. He says, he goes, are you kicking Christine out, Jay? He's going to start talking about and he goes, are you kicking her out? Jacob's trying to learn how to close his eyes without you knowing. Yeah. Hey, she's going to stay on the show if you kick her out? Yeah.

Um, yeah. Is there a ban on gas powered, uh, things in Wayne? What made you go battery? Bobby. Oh. Whoa. The battery one works fantastic. That's the one you have right there.

Yeah. Well, no, I have the 80 volt. That's, that's 80. No, that's, is that an 80 volt? Yeah. But you have the 22. I have the 22. I have the bigger version of that.

But I do have that shovel. That shovels the shit. So what would you do do with you do with you? year one. I'd sell it for a thousand dollars. No, I'd probably, uh, I'd probably, yeah, I'd probably sell it next year. I'm buying a new one next year. I'm going to get the one you have next year. No, just take it. I thought you had it won it now. I will take it. Can I do payment plans so Don doesn't get mad at me? Can I launder, can I launder money through you, Christine? I'll be taking it honestly and just do something nice for us one day. Just put it in a Starbucks.

You know what? I'll do it. You know what? You pay for Keynes. I'll pay for Keynes. We'll just do a bag laundering scheme that we have? Well, it's so funny. I never did that with you. I tried. You know, my eyes on moving when we moved, it was so, like, big on certain things, that that's what's kind of like,

it's almost like having to make with corrections now. This is why I got, like, the gym, like the whole piece with the stack and all the stuff, because I got that bench that was awesome, but it takes up the whole garage and you could just bench press on it. That's it. No decline, no nothing.

And I got the dumbbell set. It looks so nice on there, but it takes up so much space for I use two sets those dumbbells only. So Lewis got me on a good thing. I was just like, we're just trading dumbbells. He has the adjustables. Yeah.

That I saw last night that are great. Really, the Bowflex ones are smooth. I have them too. So I'm going to, and I go, yeah, so if you just get these out of here, we'll trade. So we can call it an emotional trade right now, Bobby. You come get that snowblower out of my fucking garage. How about this? I give you another set of adjustable dumbbells.

So you can, the thing about the adjustable dumbbells that sucks is that you have to adjust them, right? Hang on, hear me out. I see your confusion. Are you trying to get rid of adjustable dumbbells? No, I have a Joe Weider set of adjustable dumbbells. Do you have the back of a comic book? Joe Weeder?

What's it filled with sand? No, they're fucking great. They're the high end. Buddy, that guy got a 12-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger in shape. He doesn't understand modern-day athletics. They come with the stand and everything. The standard from when? So if you're doing like 20s and you want to do 35s,

you can set them, you know, the two. sets and different things so you don't have to change it out. I'm not going to have anything in my gym that says Joe Weeder on it. I'm not a fucking 17-year-old working out in 1985. What do you work out? Do you work out with those wearing a tight-rolled headband around your head? All right. Then I'll trade you. With aggressively positive 80s rock.

I have a Jack La Lane shake machine that I'll trade for the snowblower. Jay, are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face? With my new system. Bobby's got the, he's going to give me the weight set where the arms for the catcher on the inside, you have to bench on the outside of them. And I'll give you my Annette Vunicello album while you're working out.

Thank you. Why don't, why don't, all right, I would definitely take this off your hands because I'm going to buy that one next year anyways, I think, after the season. And I can just sell mine to somebody. But I would definitely do it, but I would have to tell Dawn.

if you allow me to do this, I'm going to tell Dawn you're going to give it to me for like half of what you say you're going to give it to me and then I'll give you the other half in cash. So it's... Bobby? Londering, but it's not... You know what I mean?

It's kind of just... Bobby. You? Me. And I mean this from my heart. Okay, from your heart. She just cheat. Because you like to wrap your life up

in a bunch of deceptions, but in your mind you're like, well, I'm not getting other pussy, so this isn't that big of a deal. Because I know some things, Bobby. The streets are talking. Yeah. When I was at Shane Show on Thursday,

a little person who works at the comedy club, we know she goes, God, I'm so tired of being Bobby's, yes, that's for me, and Bobby just had to get it bag thing. And I'm like, oh, he's using you too. He tries to use Christine for that. Did I do that with somebody else?

Liz. Oh, yeah. Liz is my other launderer. I really do run a mob bag laundering system. And it's like, I had Liz. Liz goes, I don't know where she goes, oh, Bobby goes, what's he going to make me tell

Don that I ordered another bag through him or whatever he makes, I go, no, he just makes you do that too. He has to do that all the time. And the way Bobby talks, you think Don's, like, so controlling the money, it's like, no, you have a problem. Like, you're a shopaholic. Yeah. Like, she has, like, you'll go broke. She'd probably rather you get other pussy than spend all the money on bags you don't need. Here's what I'm doing

now is I'm buying little knickknacks off Amazon. No. You can't get unsentimental nicknacks. I got, I just got something, oh, so bad too, because it came. Usually this stuff comes and I hide it in my office. It's a little thing that you put on the back of your iPad that magnetically hold your phone to your iPad so you can have your phone and your iPad next to each other.

And I hooked it all up and it just fell off the back. The sticking system doesn't work. You're fucking using Timo. I know. I know. I'm going to stop. I should just cheat. If I was cheating, when I was cheating, I didn't buy anything.

Nothing. Condoms. Just pussy. Just old-fashioned puss. Oh, do I miss buying pussy? I'll buy some condoms, dude I don't want condoms If I want to cheat, I want to cheat

Roll the dice Get some dice Get some herbs Maybe a kid Maybe another kid Yeah, maybe another kid somewhere Thorne, what are you going to do? Leave, so would I have another kid somewhere

NBA Guys do it all the time Yeah, he's going to call you grandma by the way Joe Not like his young, young mama Yeah, you're not second mom You're Nana Nana

Yeah Yeah Yeah Hi, yeah, yeah. Don't call me that, you fucking cock-suck. Hey, don't talk to my son like that, Dawn. Don't talk to my other son like that. I can't cheat.

I wish I could. I wish I really wish I could. Black Lou, don't film the part where Bobby keeps saying. Yeah, don't say that. I don't want to cheat. No, no, no, no. Keep that on. I love my wife so much.

Oh, cut it off, this is crazy. I'm so happy. Cut it off. I love her. I just have to learn boundaries. Who does that? I have to learn. I wish I could cheat.

This cocksucker is trying to get us a hit video. That's why I turn it back on. He's like, oh, no, I'm FaceTiming. But I feel like you're putting your cheating energy into finding manipulative ways to get the bags. You're very insightful. I am an addict through and through. I am an addict. So if it's drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, tobacco.

Now, here's the thing, too. We need a little deception in it. I understand. So now it's gadgets. But I'm saying you need a little deception. You don't just, at the end of the day, results are the same, literally, if you go, it's like, don't, I blah, blah, blah,

I worked, I'm getting this thing I want to get. I got a high pussy in a bag? No, I'm saying, like, you could technically just like, not put foot down as the wrong words, that's not your relationship, but I'm saying you could be like, I want this thing, I'm getting it. What do you mean?

I make a lot of money. You could do that, but you like, there's a little bit of like. Yeah, there's a little cheat. There's a little excitement there. It's like, oh my God, is she going to see that bag? Is she going to see that bag? Do you know what I call it, right?

I do these things. I call it a mission. A mission. I give myself missions. Yeah. That's what they are. Just cheat. That's still a mission.

Yes. Yeah. But you're going to be happier with that mission. That's a dangerous mission, Jay. But you're happier with that mission, and you are holding a fucking bag that you eventually have to sell because you're like, why do I have so many goddamn, you don't have this many things. Yeah, I know.

I have too many things. You just keep shifting your things from bag to bag. I just found a microphone. I bought microphones for a microphone. Why? I have, I bought these little... In case your microphone is something to say? I had these DGI microphones.

Sure. And there was a microphone, a little mic that you put into the mic, and it's just a wire that goes up. And even smaller mic. So you could hold it like a little mic. What are you, Bob Barker? Yeah, it was like a little Bob Barker book that I've never used. It's like a Bob Barker mic for a GI Joe? Yeah, it's a, it's a, dude, I'm not going to fight it.

It's a problem. I like, I like technology, and I've taken sex. You've always like technology. But I've taken... You also got pussy. I got the pussy more than technology back in the day. And I had less money. I didn't have enough money.

I live with Billy Burr. Pussy's free if you know how to fucking get it. It's like mining for gold. Just hang out and get enough of you. Hey, you were funny. How funny was I? Black Lou, you filmed that, dude. That's the meme right there.

You hear what you just said? That was like a fucking PSA. Pussy's free if you know what you're doing. Yeah. Should give double gun barrels. Yeah. It's a street. So, I mean, back in the day when I used to hang out and, I mean, that was a mission.

Hold on. Ask her if you would rather you cheat? No. Or have or buy frivolous things. No, no, because I'm afraid of the answer. Do what you want. Yes. I don't care.

I'm moving into the tiny house with Barry. Who the fuck is Barry? He's a tiny man. He's a Mexican guy up in Hampshire. Is he? Yeah, they don't have Mexicans, so it's white guys. Oh, he's a white Mexican. No, he's a white, just a white redneck.

You, up in, the further up north you go. But you still say things like Andalé to him. Yeah, Andalais. Vamos. Amigos. Vomino. Vamonos. Amano.

Yeah, it is a, chicks were fun. Trying to meet chicks after shows or trying to hook up was a fun thing. Having multiple hookups was great. It might be more dangerous for you. too, because you're far more social than I am, though, too. I'm far more social, but here's the thing, too, but when you weren't getting it, you know what I mean?

Because you go in spells. It's like, oh, you got a bunch and everything, you're vibe. But then it always dies off somewhere. There's like a dry spell. Those are the worst of times when you have nothing and nobody. Jesus. That's why you've got to go to hookers, and that's just the bottom of the barrel. He was single because we've seen him in action.

Bobby is a smooth talker. you'd be getting ass, man. Well, I would be getting ass that looks like my wife now. No, I disagree. I mean, you do. I'm not saying it wouldn't look like her, but younger, for sure. Younger. Maybe 30s, 40s, maybe.

30s, without a doubt. You think? I think if you're just talking about pussy, late 20s. I don't know, I feel like I've been out of the game, and you guys are trying to talk me back in. You've never gone out in a world where, like, 30s is, like, young and hot to you. So that's, like, a unique place to be, too. I've always liked older women.

I've never really like young girls. Right, but you think 30 is an older woman. 30 is more mature. Yeah, more mature. They're more mature. Late 30s, mid-30s, that's a chick who's been through life a little bit. If you're talking about a relationship, for sure. But you're just talking to hook up.

You can go. You get late 20s probably even early 30s. I wouldn't mind a check in the 40s just because they're going to be as tired as I am. Bobby, stop putting this dog whistle out. over the air to try to get 40-year-old women trying to fuck you on the road. I don't mind 39 through. He goes if you're 40 and you can just keep your fucking dumb mouth shut. I like a small ass.

I like big tits. Fake or not. Could have picked up that Instagram beautiful girl that served us. Yeah, but I would have picked her up from one night. Picked her up? What do you argue? Here's what she would have done after we were done. What did I do?

It would be like she did heroin. She got hypnotized. Yeah. Yeah, she'd shake out of him. No, I disagree. She loved talking with you. Yeah, but that only goes so far, Jacob. For one night.

Yeah, but have you ever had sex? Yes. Okay. Then you answer my question. A few times. With a couple different people. I do have to find, here's it. Working out was becoming an addiction.

I haven't worked out since Wednesday. And I feel like, I feel like shit. And it just so happens. Every time I stop working out for a few days. I'm going to have anybody that has a body like any of ours saying working out as an addiction. Well, no, because it was like I really wanted to do it every day. Sure. So it was like I was in that mode for a good month where I was like, I got it, I feel good.

It was kind of, you know. Routine. And Wednesday, I just clicked off. Because our snowstorms coming. Got a pack on some pounds to survive. Just a kid. Just a kid. That's the way my fat brain works.

Fat Bobby still lives in my head, dude. And then I was eating, I was just eating breads and shit all week. I think you cheating is be the best thing for not just you. Your family? Yeah. Your overall health. No, God forbid. You also, I feel a little guilty in this because we haven't done the bonfire workout crew in a while and that's my own fault.

Yeah, I was doing that workout by myself and I was loving it. I know, but I'm such a good motivator. It was on the clock. No, you were. It was good. For a minute there, it was good. But here's what sucks is I didn't work out for four days. And then last night I went to my cigar lounge.

And one of the guys came in and he goes, ah, you're getting fat again. I was like, what? And I literally wanted my body to implode on itself and then eat itself. I felt like, I don't know why those, you don't know what I mean? When someone notices that you got to look like a, it's not like I'm thinking. 360, you cunt. Yeah. I took off a middle-aged woman.

Yeah. I mean, I put on a... Petit. I might be... I might be swelled up a little bit, but you... But it's in your head. You're like, I'm worked out. I feel a little blah, blah, blah.

And then, yeah, you put on a couple... Oh, you look completely different in your mind, yeah. Yeah, but it just fucking crush me. I wanted to go to, like, to the gym right then and there. I see pictures of myself now, and I'm still like, oh, my God, what a slot... Nothing's changed. Oh, you're crazy. Bobby, it's time to crush some band.

We're doing it Saturday. Saturday. I'm in. All right. I'm in Saturday. Getting ready for the fight. Bobby's training. I love the bands.

Got to do it right. But it's... Here's the thing. Hang on Bobby. One second. Fight. Training. End word.

Got to get it right. It goes everywhere. It can fit in every single song. I'll find a place for it to film. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't know. It sucks being an addict. It sucks having that thing where you always gotta have something.

I'll tell you, and it's the lesser of two evils is what you try to find or replace it and replacing it is a hard thing to do. I'm saying, save money, save your family. Cheat. Yeah, but if I cheat, I'm going to wind up paying for it. I'm going to go down the road of paid sex. How much do you need it?

I told you I'm an addict. Yeah, dude, I started out with you. started out with coach bags. I wound up with Louis Vuitton because of your girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. I got a $150 coach bag and thought I was in the mix and then I found out not really. Oh my God. Can I tell you a funny thing with ordering that I just had? It was such a good and bad. So I ordered that functional trainer. Got the big functional trainer coming. Yeah. And I ordered a trainer, a transvestite trainer? Yeah. It's a transitioning trainer. Let's go, Jay. Get up. I got a transitioning trainer.

Yes. Yes. I got that coming. I ordered it. And I ordered separately the bench. I showed you that bench. That was cool. The iron.

Love it. Iron master. It's called V2 bench. It's very cool to use with the machine. And I emailed about, you know, I was like, hey, just, I put the order in. I thought the email was kind of wrong that was in there. I fixed that now, but here's my actual email. And my email is, um,

I use my personal email, which has my name in it. And he goes, he writes back, he goes, hey, just want you to know, shipped this out on this date, FedEx, it's going to be coming to you, blah, blah, blah, dot, dot. And I'm sorry if this is forward, but my curiosity is so piqued. Is this the Big J? And I wrote back, yes, sir. And then he wrote back like, oh, I'm a huge fan, blah, blah, blah,

is that we're coming to see you in Seattle. Right. It's so cool, I go. Well, you know, I keep seeing not getting any updates. on this because of the email thing wrong email that I'm not getting updates on the big machine either so I go let me email them

probably going to recognize the thing too and they wrote back goes we're on back order man it's going to take two to three weeks you'll get it when you get it I'm sorry okay did you say those are two guys I'm the Big J. Ogherson guys you are dealing with the biggie yeah I should tell Ironmaster

I should tell Iron Master to call major fitness and be like hey tell major fitness This is the big Jay Ogres. They treat me like I was a jerk off. They go, yeah, dude, it's on back order. So it's coming. Two to three weeks. We've upped our staff.

We're doing what we can. Here's the worst part about those little hookups when they note it. And it's like, oh, that's great. Is if in years to come when that guy doesn't work there anymore, and you call back up. And I had a hook up with the countertops when I was doing my kitchen. The guy was like, dude, is this Bobby? Opium anything. Yeah, dude.

Dude, I got you hooked me up, gave me a big discount. And then when we moved into this house, I called back. And I was like, hey, I'm looking for blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it doesn't work anymore. Hey, yeah, I was friends with them, you know. I'm Robert Kelly. Cool. What do you need?

I was like, ah, shit. The hookup died. The guy who hooked up getting us our last car when we lived in the apartment, you know, and drove it down from, like, Syria. I picked out what we wanted in it. You know what I mean? and like he drove it down with somebody he worked there. He was the big, then he was like, you know, he stayed in touch.

And then he's like, dad, dude, not working anymore. And by the way, he's like under some bad circumstances. Then he was back with them. He's like, I'm back. And then the next time I heard from him was like, hey, dude, can you post this go fund meeting? I'm having some real hard times. Oh, shit. And I was like, ah, geez.

Did you see? God bless Lewis. I was at Lewis's house last night. Everything in his house is being done by. He's like, yeah, I need this to be done right here because it's the HVex. systems having a little bit of a problem but another fan says they know HVX they're coming over and then the fan who built the machine and then another fan's

going to go, damn dude. You really have a, you're really going to leave yourself wide open to everybody. I think Hey, you want to go see where Louis J. Go-Men? I think Lewis invented Craigslist through his fan base. Yeah, dude, he's been using, I remember when he would do gigs. For rides.

Yeah, hey, I need a ride. Four hour rides. Yep, long rides. With a stranger. Yep, doesn't care. So weird. God bless him. It was a stranger, but it was a fan.

So in his mind, he could sit there. That's like a time where you could drive for four hours. And the guy go, God, what's it like? Under the stage lights like that, he goes, well, as a barn performer, I think, you know, like, he's going to be the best. Do me a favor. Hand me that book. That's my book. Open to page 56.

This is where it comes from. Drive and read. Hey, you want to listen to my audio book three times? The problem with the, when you friend or somebody that you know or as a fan, it hooks you up, that if something goes wrong, that if something goes wrong, that if something goes. wrong and you become a pain in the ass. If you paid for it, go fuck yourself. Exactly. You're paying.

Dude, you already got the thing for like on like the half price. What more do you want? That's the worst. And you're like, oh, nothing. I just got wrapped up into the hookup of this. You're like, I would have paid for all of it. But when you started telling me you were hooking me up, I started getting wrapped up in the hook up.

Yeah. Because it is the thing at the end of day when I was like, I was worried when that guy I was gone from that place. I'm like, yeah, what are we going to do when we want to get the car traded in this time? He goes, just go trade it in, to a guy. To a guy. And then Christine said that I was a comic to that guy. Then that guy, I promised Saturday Live tickets too.

I don't know how we got from your comic to promising SNL tickets. That's how. That's exactly how? No, I know. I can tell you exactly how. He can stop talking. Who do you know, blah, blah, blah. This is that Saturday lie is my favorite thing.

You know anybody Saturday live? Blah, blah, blah. So I mean, it's there. Lie. Lie. You should have lied. It's when you went there and said, he's on the road. He's a comedian.

Look them up. They all knew my stuff when I walked back in there. It was awful. It's awful, but the hookup is good until it goes bad. There was no hookup. Zero hookup. They didn't give you. They knew you and didn't give you nothing?

They didn't know me. They got to know me after Christine said, and he'll be coming in to buy this to finish the thing. He's a comedian, blah, blah, blah. So then they started looking me up. And then they still didn't. When I came in. So your comedy wasn't worth the hookup?

No. They were like, good, not a hookup good. Not a hookup good. Yeah, this isn't Louis C.K. good. No, I don't think we were hooked up at all. Well, we weren't hooked up with the fan either. That's the thing is sometimes the fan stuff.

I had a printing thing. No, we were hooked up. Can I tell you something? I would consider a hookup. This guy brought the car to my front door, took the other car away, and I signed three minutes of paperwork. And it was official. It was all real deal.

It was done. That's a hookup. That's a hookup. And its own thing, that's a hookup. Not one second in a car dealership dealing with a thing or a person. or waiting and that's a hookup for sure yeah i had my friend do my plumbing in the house i mean he gave me a huge hookup did all the plumbing in the new house for all the bathrooms and kitchen but under the in the bathroom in the main master bathroom sometimes when you turn the water on

it's kind of not coming out with pressure and to save money he didn't do copper pipes he did flexible pipes what so if the maids just put stuff in there and it kind of kinks the pipe so i have to go under and move the little flexible holes around and then the full water pressure will come out. And then when I call them up, I was like, hey, dude, this is not where he's, yeah, I, you know, I gave you a deal, but I didn't put in the copper pipes to make it a, you know, I put in the flexible pipes. I put in the, you put in the, you want to do that? And it's like, oh, dude, no, I'll just stick with the, thanks for the deal.

You've got to kind of just take it on the chin because I know, because if you bought it, you would just go, what's the best option? What's going to work the best? Can I afford that? If I can't, what's the next best thing? He just goes like, I'll do a hookup for it. I'll make sure your water runs. It's always really saying the water's going to come from one place to the other.

That's all you got to worry about. And then when you call that person, it's like, what do you need now? Right. And then you're like, yeah, exactly. And then you know that eventually they're going to say something like, never meet your heroes, right? You fucking reached out to me and told me you know how to do this. Yes. You were like, yeah, no, I'm a fan and I do this.

Yeah. It's the worst. And you know they're talking, dude, he called me again last night. Oh, my God. The hot water and the heat went off. Oh, I guess it's fucking flexi pipes I've never heard of her kinking. Oh, I guess this water's not coming up because this straw that I made for pipes is bent. And I fucked up.

When we did the bathroom, you saw my shower. It's like seven feet by five feet. It's just unnecessary. You fit your entire family in there. Your tiny family could all fit in there. It's the dumbest shower ever, but I love it. But it has the huge rainfall, the two shower jets in the wall, and then the handheld on the other side. and he goes, dude, put the pipes on the other side

because the pipes now are on the kitchen side and if anything happens, I'm going to have to rip down your kitchen to get to these pipes. We have to rip all these tiles down. And I was like, I like it on this side. I like it over here. And they just go, fuck it because I'm giving you,

I don't give a shit. And now if anything goes wrong, I'm going to have to get a new kitchen. Just fill your kitchen to fix your bathroom pipe? Yeah, I'm going to get a new kitchen and take all the tiles off. It's going to be fucked. The other wall,

Hey, this guy, you wanted to live in the suburbs, though, right? He could have just... Welcome to homeownership. He could have just cut into drywall and just fix the pipes in the bedroom, from the bedroom. I don't go... You, and by the way, it's not the wrong move. You're looking for a deal. Lewis is looking for a deal.

I like a deal. I'm not looking for it. I like a deal, too. But, I mean, I am also willing to just go, like, if we could as little contact as possible in this, and I just tell you the... And you tell me what the thing is, and you do it. Yeah. And then, you know, I'll order you guys a pizza if you're here.

here for a while. Just pay for it. I'd rather just, man. Yeah. Like the hookup thing. And the thing is like the guy who did Lewis's gym thing is a fan. And he's like, he did it great.

I went and looked at yesterday and it is built perfectly. He did a really good job. It's smooth. Everything's smooth on it. And I'm like, fuck. Now he's going to know where I live too. Yeah. It's also the thing too is that you get these emails

or text messages like two years later during Christmas. And hey, happy birthday man Or Merry Christmas man Hope everything's going well And you're like, who the fuck is this? And then you get to scroll back I'm the guy from the hot tub place Yeah, you see oh this guy hooked me up

Hey, how you doing? You have to find back and see one message Where it goes like, hope you really enjoyed All those treats I brought you in whateverville And you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah I do like a hookup though I do like a hooker I do like a hooker too

I just don't trust the hookup I always think there's a to use your analogy I always think there's a flexible pipe happening in my hookup. Yeah. I think there's a, I just see that coming. Yeah. I have a fence hookup that we were going to put a fence in. To move stolen products?

No, that's Christine and Liz. They're your fencers? My fences for bags I'm selling. No, I want to put a fence up in the backyard. And someone contacted me right away. I was like, hey, man, I do it. He's all the way in Rhode Island. He's like, dude, I'll come.

up and I'm like that's too. As I'm doing the thing goes, I'll put myself up in a hotel. Yeah. I'm like, buddy. I don't want you to do that. Please. Because then it's going to be like, oh, there's no hotels. We're going to say, I'll just sleep in my truck.

I'll just come in, sleep downstairs with Max. You know what I mean? I'm not going to let you sleep. My tattoo artist lives in Chicago. He came with the whole crew. He came with the whole crew. He's like, you let me, if you want to do tattoos in the green room, I was there for, you know, some 3 p.m. on Saturday.

He'd do tattoos in the greener, and I want some stuff, and there's stuff I need them to fix, too. And, like, I was like, and then as it gets closer, I'm like, do you want me to bring any ideas of what you might want to get? Or if anybody wants to get something in the green? I was like, oh, man, just come enjoy the show, dude. You know what I mean?

Like, I was like, I don't know. After a while, I just, I feel bad, like, just bringing all their shit to do it, to do, like, free. I know it's an advertisement for him, too, but I mean, they're the Skangfest tattoo artists. I love him. Mani. Mani.

It's the best. He did all my recent tattoos. Yeah, yeah. Man, he's the best. He's the fucking bad. I love seeing him too. Yeah, the hookup is a... I had a guy, remember when apps?

Do you remember when comics had apps? No. Yeah, dude, there was a time... I had the Robert Kelly app. And this guy from Tampa was like... You remember the Robert? I know it was a square with the RK. Like the curse of RK.

You're all right, Lou? Would you pass out from how funny that was? Yeah, this is what you get on camera. Bobby talking about the Bobby app. Please, Bobby, continue Pussies like gold It's free if you know where to look He

I'm No, there was a... You know, because back of the day I was the king of Like comic technology Like social media My website was ridiculous I remember the orbs

The orbs I mean I had three different versions In that site A little cartoon Bobby A little cartoon Bobby came out and threw Not even cartoon A little Bobby A little Bobby wearing, what do you think?

A small collar motorcycle jacket. It was a... And he comes out and he grabs an orb. Yeah. And if you go... It was the microphone. If you go tour dates, he grabs the orb and throws it at the thing and then tour dates pop up. I walk out on the top, but you heard click, click, click, like I had high heels on.

I'll never forget. Bobby's web designer was like his Dr. Gonzo. His name was Kurt Iverson. I never forget because his last name was Iverson. That was funny. I think he was an Asian guy. I mean Kurt Iverson. Asian Mexican from Kansas City.

He, he, I would walk out the top, and there would be a microphone. I grabbed the mic. I take off the mic. And then I go, and the mics would just all go into orbs. Yep. And then when you push tours, I would reach up, grab one of the orbs, and go, fomp into a bigger, a liquid orb in the middle. And my face would shimmer. Why is this not so an active sight?

Plus $35,000 a month to keep active. What was it Ben Bailey joke about my website? Remember that? On the roast? I was like it's more famous than that. Robert Kelly is the only comedian who has a website that's more famous than him. But I had an app guy contact me about comics apps. And he made me this fucking crazy app that, you know, had Google Maps and my head.

It was in my little head, and you'd touch it. All the link would pop up on the state of the city. Do those things? I like that as a thing. I won an award. It's showing your tour dates. It's showing your tour dates. I don't mind that.

We got into a big fight over it because we won this comedy, the best comic app of the year on Comedy Central Awards. And we got no fight because he wanted the award, but I wanted the award. So we had to ship it back to each other every six months. You and Kurt? No, not Kurt. There's another dude down in Tampa. Oh, yeah, yeah. I would have to mail the award back to him in six months.

and then he would mail it back to me. And then I just kept it. Ralph Sutton, his first interactions with me of trying to, like, do something together was, I think, talking about an app. Yeah. You wanted me to get behind it. I forget what it was for exactly.

I think it was like, it was almost like a cameo type thing, I think. Yeah, apps were big, man, for a quick minute. So funny to have an app. But also just the idea, like, the pompous nature of, like, a lot of those apps that the comics did or just famous people in general making an app, it's the idea that, like, hey, if you want, you're,

mouse can be my face. Do you know what I'm saying the idea of that? Like, oh, do you want to have your Siri voice, be my voice? Like, it's so dumb. Like, why would you want that possibly? Yeah, the app, you know, it's funny is my first Robert Kelly Live that did in Houston, Kurt Iverson. I had that joke Piss the Pants Monster.

Of course. I remember what? Pissed the Pants Monster. What do you, Pissed the Pants Monster? So if you put the CD into a computer, you, I remember a desktop pet would come out a little monster would come out on your... The pissed-to-pants monster. And pee on your computer.

Yeah, yeah, your pissed-pants monster. I was like, but people were like, how did you do that? I'm like, I don't know. That's what you got to do. You got to have the piss-the-pants monster. You're moving and shaking. You know why, Bobby?

Yeah. You were cheating. I was. I was. I need to cheat. I need to start to get my mojo back. My creativity is on the basis of me trying to get new. You were moving to the stars, dude. And you know why?

It's because you had a good woman and you were cheating and that's why I don't know if I was cheating on then was I I don't know I just threw that out there She's doing the bit

Wow that hurt She's doing the bit Don doesn't listen Fuck it I was With her cousin dude Oh god forbid God forbid