The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Alcoholic Heartbreak

Episode Date: November 11, 2025

Bobby starts a story about his Halloween weekend, and ends up telling an epic tale of love in early recovery. When Bob got sober as a teenager, he went to a conference of young people in Alcoholics Anonymous. There he fell in love and got his heart trampled on by an alcoholic who asked to use his shower. In the end he found himself naked and rejected. | Jay counters Bob's misery with the time he joined a threesome and was embarrassed out of the hotel room. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. How was your weekend, buddy? So this weekend was fantastic. First of all, Halloween in Cotona is one of the most... So you're home this weekend. Home, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Friday was Halloween, which was awesome. Halloween on a weekend, there's nothing like it.

Were you handing out candy? We handed out candy to the little kids, and then we went out. Oh, okay. I was going to say, what? Well, the little kids come... little kids and then you went and then you and dawn started doing something weird with the bigger kids the older kids we invited in to watch us do stuff yeah they got a full Snickers bar if you know what I'm talking about um no with the little kids we live in a cul-de-sac and and when you live in a town like

mine where there's one street that is the street and it goes all it's a very long street goes all the way up and then takes a left and it's literally every house on this block has to have a thousand pieces of candy. The city is like, look, if you need candy, let us know, but if you're going to do Halloween, you can't just have a couple bags. You have to have a thousand pieces of candy. So they get donations. Like, we donated candy two houses

on the main drag. That's how many people come here for Halloween. A thousand pieces of candy? A thousand. Now, here you say... What if you don't? And you have 300 pieces of candy. I'm not saying you get arrested. It's not the UK. Okay. But you will

run into problems because you're going to run a candy in the first 20 minutes of the night. Would you get arrested in the UK for not enough candy? You will if you tweet about it. That's a fact. The Reynolds residents has candy? Reynolds residents are a little farther away from downtown. They got full-size stickers.

Downtown houses are like these huge, big, you know, this is where all the really rich people live. And then Ryan Reynolds, who is upper echelon rich, they live out in the horse country. Right. Where, you know, Mothor and Dennis Leary, they live. The house that Mint Mobile built. Right, exactly.

And Brexit. And Brexit. And Brexit. But so the main drag, it's good, but here's a, here, I've found a flaw in the going down to where all the people are. Ready? So on the way from our house at all, our neighborhood, which is a beautiful neighborhood, and you walk up, you get way more candy because there's not a lot of kids.

Right. So they go take whatever you want. So you can grab a fistful. When you go to the, the main drag, one, you get one. Because we have thousands of kids. Yeah. So you wind up with less candy and more fun, or you could go, you know, and the, you know. Oh, what's going on, Bobby?

Yeah. What's going on? You all right? Jay, what's up? I don't know. You're freaking me out, man. You good? You hear that?

Hear what? I heard me telling the story about candy. It sounds like. What? Jay. That's probably nothing. Go ahead. Okay, cool.

You all right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we hang out when the son's out for the little kids. All the little kids come. They're cute. We hand the candy out. And then we just leave the candy on the front. So when the teenagers come, take what you want, whatever you got to do.

We don't want you to take it all. And we went down and Max was with his girlfriend, which was cute this year. Last year we went. He didn't know anybody his first year. So we were with him. He was just with us. And it was kind of, he's running around having a blast. But, you know, there's thousands of kids.

This year was amazing because me and her dress. up Frankenstein and the bride of Frankenstein and uh we went down what do you look at me like that for what's wrong what's wrong like what we Frankenstein and the bride of Frankenstein you didn't see my my popular video on Instagram as a influencer oh I'm sorry you didn't see that oh Christine you might want to pull that up because me and my gal uh I called her a BF best friend and Bride of Frankenstein This is us right here, ready? Putting our makeup on

And, I mean Dawn and Ba-Bao! I mean, come on, son. How great does that look? All right, so look at this is the main, this is the bottom of the main drag. Look at how many people. That does look like Halloween in the movie

They're in the streets. It's crazy. Okay, stop right here. Pause this if you can. Okay, so this at the top the hill there's two houses there's creepy pete's house which is the line and as you're going through the line in his front yard he has actors and people jumping out and then you get up and the the whole house is lit up and has all this crazy stuff creepy pete he's like famous up there this house over because of megan's law that's why he's famous everyone knows creepy peter because he had to announce he's moving in the neighborhood yeah not the best name yeah so everyone's aware

at creepy he had to come and give us a card and make sure that we saw it so this This house next to Creepy Pete is in full competition with Creepy Pete because I think he worked for Pixar so he actually spends money on actors and every year is a different theme this year it was almost like a cult they all had these big cones on and there was

around you know 10 guys and girls and they would stand around they'd be like ask him a question whatever his name was and they had this guy this big huge hologram on a curtain and the guy was in the house with a microphone so he could hear everybody's question and they were outside

ask him a question and he'll answer your question so he was asking all the little kids and of course some lady yelled out I almost I almost told her to go fuck off because they're asking all these kids questions they're adorable questions and he's funny though or the kid asked the questions he goes why didn't my dad leave that's I was I don't know because your mother is a blood sucking whore so she couldn't hold her figure together I was going to ask that too I was sitting I should ask one I should because I'm you know I'm New York I'm a comic I was like I should I was going to

I should ask I was going to ask does my wife love me still and I didn't even if I pussyed out I get I get stage fright in like local theater stuff you know oh you too I get karaoke I fucking freeze up I can do karaoke but what you're saying though like yeah being getting attention grabbing and that kind of thing with a bunch of kids in the yeah I'd be like no no I

I pussyed out I still look at the kids are going to be mean to me maybe The guy kept looking at me too Like dude I know you have a question You got one and I was this close And as soon as I was about to say something Some lady yelled next to me I wanted to just tell her to go fuck off She goes

Ask him if democracy will survive Oh Jesus And everybody was like Oh God It's fucking Halloween You shut the fuck up What a twat Oh your kids

It just sucked By the way That doesn't only sound like Ketona talking by what you described. No, it does. Trust me. Really? Yeah. It's like downtown is all that.

And it's like the rest of the country. Downtown is all that. And then as soon as you go five feet out of downtown, it's all Trump. Well, democracy survive. Oh, what a bitch. No. Your children will eventually be slaves.

Mondani will win and communism will take over. You will kneel before me. But it's, it's. The streets will run red with your parents' blood. So it was funny because Max was like, Dad, we got to wrap this up. And I'm like, why? Do we're having a blast? And he's like, I got to go.

I guess he had to take his shit. Oh, I thought he's going to be like, yo, there's chicks good to go. I got to get out of it. Yo, the time is now, Dad. I got Casa de Max all set up. She saw me as a blue power ranger and got soaked. But it was a great night. That was awesome.

We went back to the house. It was great. I don't really typically hear about towns doing anything like this anymore, so it's nice to see. This is the best part about it. As we were walking up this year, a bunch of kids are like, Max, Max, and a bunch of girls, that's Maximus. So he was stopping to talk to kids all the way up, but he was like, I'm with Aria, so I got to go. Hey, this is my stupid dad, mom? Who?

The styrofoam had people back. I was thoroughly embarrassing the whole night. Oh, yeah. I was going, uh, uh, he was like, Dad, stop. You should get picking up little girls and fucking freak everybody out. What's that guy doing? It was so funny. He's like, sorry, I'm an actor.

It's so funny because the bad kids in the neighborhood showed up to get Max at the beginning of the night to go trick-street with them. And they would dress like a karate kid, Johnny, in the same. skeleton they were dressed like the skeletons yeah and I was just like this is fucking like a movie this is crazy I was like just go with the bad kids were the cobra kies the cobar kies and then I went out I go you know they were the good kids right you know Daniel was the bad kid he was the asshole and the one kid goes fuck yeah he was I was like yeah you're not going with him you can't go with them and then max was like come on dad why the fuck not um what a dad why you fuck it with me I want to go with my fucking friends I said

fucking no and stop fucking swearing where'd you fucking hear this from the fuck dad it makes me like a fuck in front of my fucking friends you know that in an a meeting there was a men's a meeting when I first went to AA when I was like you know I think it was like 16 or 17

just men's yeah they used to have just men's why because women yapped too much where everyone was getting boners from their fucking junkie stories you're supposed to feel bad for them and they're like and then I was blowing three guys at the same time for drugs. You're like, mm-hmm.

Hey, Star, why don't you share again? I need a ride home, 90 hands raise. And now I don't know what to do. Every day, I just wonder, when's the next cock going to be in my mouth for these drugs? But I was, I actually, the guy at the end of my, I spoke, I gave my story, and he just started applauding right when I, he goes, That was amazing story.

And also, you just won the award for the most fucks. 113 fucks in around 15 minutes. That was pretty good. That's the new record here at the men's meeting. Did someone actually count? Yeah, someone count. You never went back to my meeting, did you?

I did. That was my meeting. Really? Yeah, that was great. That's the gayest thing anyone's ever said. It was so great because if you talk too long, they would drop change on the floor in the back. Really?

Yeah, there was an old guy who just had a pocket of change you just drop it on the ground if you just that's enough yeah that's enough that's the light yeah that's the light that was the light back of the day what a wild scene yeah i mean used to be all men's meetings back in the day were fucking mainly how many chicks you fuck from the other meetings oh god nonstop i started a meeting just you get's busy my my fifth year in it's called it's called 12 steps after dark it's called the third third three step

This is when things Stop getting It's when things stop getting sad Stop getting sexy You got all your shit together And now try this step Yeah Why don't you make amends with my weiner

I know you got some amends to make Why don't you start right here My wiener's been sad It's not in your mouth Yeah I was I started a meeting It was called You're Not Alone Uh

For just guys No, I had I had this hot This hot chick Man, she was smoking hot A Spanish girl I asked her to be the coffee maker Because you have to have the person who sets up

The chairs and closes down And then you have to be a Hispanic chick And then I got her to be the coffee maker Of course And we wind up Also the sweep up after her And put the chairs away her The jizz cleaner up her

And then shutting her mouth and doing what she's told her We did wind up fucking on the stage You and her? Yeah, after the meeting one night Oh, after, thank God. After the meeting we wound up fucking on the stage. Under the picked over cheese plates and fucking... I had to get a new coffee maker the next week.

She goes, aye, the donuts have gone stale. Mr. Bobby? Mr. Bobby, the donuts have gone totally stale. It's so funny. I went back to that meeting years later, and it was big, it was packed. and they were taught and everybody did they have a picture of you though like you were a founding member

back in the day I sat in the front and I'm waiting to get you know recognizing something right some ego shit and they were like you know one guy who started talking goes let me tell you something

this meeting you're not alone I don't know who named it but they named this meeting right because since I've been coming to this meeting I don't feel alone and I wanted to stand up and go I named it I named it and that's why I named it So you wouldn't have to feel that way.

And the crowd goes, oh, this guy. Buddy, can you just come in and tell your story? Is that a new guy? Is that an AA thing? Like, you get the title of your meetings? You can come up with a cool title? If you start it. Yeah.

Star Wars, anything? Yeah. You should treat meetings like black comedy circuit shows, like flyers, glossy, high-gloss flyers. Yeah. Pass him out in front of bars. Yeah. Go to other meetings.

Four to six is an open cider bar. Snap it in front of a meeting You know, check it out But only pick Only let hot chicks in Oh yeah In front of the meetings He goes

You, yes No I went to a meeting I went and did this podcast In Socelita And it's a sober podcast And it's right above San Francisco

It's right above San Francisco Why there? I don't know They just called me up They had a meeting They have a house there That they A sober house

A couple of them Oh, it was recently. Yeah, it was a couple months ago. You remember it. And it was great. It was awesome podcast, and it was great talking about sobriety and stuff. When it comes out, I'll let you know. You can listen to it.

And we went to a meeting, but it was a young people's meeting. And I haven't been to a young people's meeting. It's so long. And it's so hard because there's so many smoking hot. There's so many smoking hot chicks is this meeting, dude. And it was summertime, and they were just fucking, you know, just scale. dressed and they're talking about how vulnerable. Hey, Trishel is it? You need a sponsor?

I'll be your sponsor. Hey, Karen C. Dawn, I got to go. I know it's the middle of night my spine. I'm a sponsor. They need me. You could definitely, you could definitely. I got to run to this chick. I got to make sure she doesn't suck cock. Yeah, it was pretty. It's very hard to pay attention when these, I mean, just smoking hot California girl.

Northern California girls. It's how cults start, dude. Yeah. It's always got a good, it's got some good intention in the beginning. Then you're like, these girls are listening to everything I'm saying. Hey, stupids, suck your own tit

and play with yourself while I whack off. Yes, my lord. Smoking hot, alcoholic fuss. Smoking hot, they were smoking hot, and there was a couple of them that you, here's what you do. Here's what my problem is, is that I did this since I've been sober.

In rehab, we had no fraternization policy. So we would go to meetings, and you could not talk to girls, but you would fall in love. Oh, you can. You can't. I like you can't talk to them. You can't fratinize,

but you can't open your jacket and pull two little airplane vodkas out and show her. They just point to the bathroom. What a dick move. You go, hey, sweetheart. Eh? Right.

You want to meet me in the can. We'll fucking. knock these down together. I told you this story about how I found out about stand-up comedy, right? Mm-mm. I never told you this?

You found out about, like, you can try it and do what you mean? Yes. Well, I kind of was like, oh my God, I want to do that. I love it. I love with stand-up comedy.

My first time. You've heard of it before you started that. My first live stand-up comedy show. So they had this thing called Ickypa. It's an international conference of young people in AA

where thousands of people go to a town and they rent out all the hotels and they have one main hotel. It's almost like a convention, like a skank fest type thing. But it's 24-hour AA meetings. Not as funny.

It's funny. We both have Doug Stanhope. Believe me, a lot of these people are fucking... His stories are good. Both have featured Doug Stanhope. And you go and you get a hotel for the weekend and everybody converges on this one hotel. They did it at the Plaza Hotel in Boston.

I want to hear this whole story. I'm uncomfortable, though, with what your hat's doing. It's extraordinarily distracting. It's my hip-hop hat. My hip hop hat It's beyond that This is for the song It looks like a pussy hat

It looks like a pussy hat First of all I don't know The pink pussy hat What's a pussy hat? Remember when you went to the women's march The hat that they made you wear I don't know what a pussy hat is It's the hat with the two years

It was a thing like a few years ago Hey Let me take that off Look you're this guy Oh Oh there's Bobby There you are I know you love

I know you love swoop neck sweaters And fucking pussy hats So Sorry about the hat I want to take everything you're saying very seriously But that hat was ridiculous But you're wearing a busi yeah So I was in rehab for 14 months

And we would go to the same meetings every week And over the time I fell in love with this This girl would go She wasn't part of a program She would just go to the meeting She was a civilian You know It was a drug

It was NA too Narcotics Anonymous which is better If you're trying to get the buzz Yeah former co-kids It's much better to fuck than some old drunk. Yeah, a lot of chicks like Christine are hanging out. You know what I mean? A lot of hotties.

Sucking fucking for Coke. Hotty's still shaking. Not since I was a kid, Jay. Exactly. Yeah. We all grew up. So this girl was there at this meeting. She had hay hair.

I mean, it was just beautiful, naturally blonde, like, you know. Well, hey hair, I don't think is a compliment. It is. It's like, it's a description. I took Amelia's bad. Well, it's like, it's like. blondeish brown you know what i mean like re not died it wasn't it's just she was beautiful she had little freckles on her nose blue eyes and i've never that turns to cancer eventually i hopefully

hopefully she has it now at the end of the story she has no nose she has a hole in the front of her face now she has a double mastectomy everybody so beautiful bobby tell me i'm beautiful so i would see her every week and we would flirt and then we got to the point where she would hand me a note and blah blah and i would i fell in love with this girl she was my wednesday love and i would and so cut to I get out of rehab I go to this convention it's like the first year I'm out of rehab that comes to Boston

thousands of young people in the programs are coming to Boston boring I get no it's fucking great thousands sober teenagers yay I mean they do a sobriety countdown with thousands of people in the ballroom and they go all the way down to one day and the place goes

fucking ballistic for this this one person or two people have one day of sobriety so anyways I'm walking around. You can get to the fucking convention after one day of sobriety? Yeah. If you're jumping the gun. Well, if you live in Boston, it's not that hard.

You just, hey, we're going to a meeting at the convention. Damn. And they have 24-hour meetings. So you just go to meetings all night. You hang out, you drink, you talk, you try to hook up. What? Try to hook up with chicks. I think you can't drink.

Drink tea. Tea, liquid, like coffee and tea and water. But when you're talking about it that way, it's not really the event. When you say drinking as an event, you mean alcohol. No, I mean. You go, you hang out, you drink, and you get to that person's house and they just have coffee. He goes, is this what you meant? Yeah.

You want to go upstairs for a drink? I want to have a nightcap? I have espresso and Gatorade Zero. I love Gatorade Zero. I know you do. That's your nightcap. I know, and you have it at your house and your fridge. For you.

Mini ones, my favorite. I hate the big ones. Thank you very much. I hate the big ones, by the way. I love that you get the minis. So anyways, I go to this convention with my friend Marksiza, who's a Berkeley guy. He's a musician. He's a rocker.

He's the coolest guy I've ever met my life. He just picks chicks up all the time. And I'm freshly out of rehab. I'm still talking God. Oh, shit. Dude, I ruined so many chicks that liked me by going, you know, when you have spirituality and you just see the fucking brain shut off. When did you?

I just want to do that fucking eat my pussy, you fucking queen. And then they're like, when did you even out? When did that even out when you stopped being a weirdo? This moment, this moment. We're like to stop talking about God. So what happened was I'm walking around. There's thousands of kids. walking around I come out of a meeting it's a great meeting I'm like oh my god who do I run

into hey hair she's there she looks beautiful she goes oh my god I go oh my now we can finally talk we haven't been able to talk why hey hair's hitting the ears wrong for me guess who comes up I shit tits that girl that I was made in love with I don't know why it's hit me like that golden hair it's a gold golden hair guess who's there stank ass the girl my dreams all right we'll change it fart face golden hay hair Golden hair. Golden hair. I looked there.

And we noticed that we've been had this relationship for months, almost a year, and we weren't able to talk or communicate. And now we're actually, there's no chains. And she sees me, I see her. We both light up. And we're hanging out. We're talking. And I'm like, oh, my God.

And I'm like, we should hang out tonight. We should, we should, you know, we'll go to a meeting later. We'll, you know. A moment. I'll follow you anywhere. I'm like, we'll go to a meeting. you know what I mean and so she's like absolutely okay I'm gonna go I'll meet you later tonight so all of a sudden I go off I see her and I'm like oh I want to I want to go tell her I want to

just make sure we're meeting and all that and I see her kind of walking away and then I see her kind of go she's with this dude and they get into the elevator so in the elevator you can see where it went to and right before the elevator was closed he ran his hand up her inner thigh and winked to you no so hey bud you like her so there so there There's a key part of the story that I forgot. So before we were leaving, the girl was a guy. That would be awesome. It was one thing I forgot.

The girl was a guy. It was a teacher and he raped me. I grabbed a balloon. They had red balloons everywhere. I grabbed the balloon before she walked away and I said, this is for you. And she was like, oh my God, thank you. And I was like, oh, great. So she's walking away with the balloon.

Thanks to this railing decoration balloon you just stole. So I had, dude, before I got sober, I had game up the ass. When I was drinking, when I got sober, I had no more game. I had nothing. They made you clear to take it out of your ass in rehab. You handed her a penny-wise balloon. So I remember. Here, take this and go walk through the Holocaust.

So I see her. I see her. She's got the balloon. She's walking with somebody. No big deal. She gets in the elevator. I see where I go, I want to go, I get in the elevator next. I go up to whatever, six floor, and I'm walking down the floor, and I see the balloon

in the hallway in front of a door, and I go up to the door, and I just hear her getting fucking railed out by some dude. She's like, oh, my God, I love dick, I hate drugs and I love dick, I'm perfect, I'm so perfect, buddy, I was heartbroken, fucking heartbroken. But you didn't drink. No, I wanted to. I went downstairs. By the way, dude, it's so cool if you did.

I went downstairs. It gets worse. It gets terrible. It was so cool if you were fucking boozed up by this point of the story. So it gets worse. So I go downstairs and Mark, who is... Are you not taking the hint still?

You just heard her get fucked. He goes, maybe he's cracking her back. So I got downstairs and Mark has these two girls with him and they don't have hotel rooms. And Mark is like, hey, They want to shower, and she's like, could she shower in your room? You have a room down the street, the Weston. I was like, yeah.

And she's like, you'll let me shower in your room? I go, yeah. I'm like, I'm back in. Fuck it. Fuck her. I'm back in. I take this girl to my room, right? She just wanted to shower.

She goes in, no, she gets naked. Right when we walk in, she just takes her clothes off. Oh, nice. So I'm lying like, oh, my God, she goes in the shower. I take all my clothes off. Ooh. So I'm lying in the bed. That's presumptuous.

I'm lying in the bed. and then I'm I'm I will I know for sure I will know for 100% certainty that I'm fucking before I am butt naked of any kind I'm not going to get rejected and go oh I guess I had the wrong idea let me go put everything back on like a weirdo thank God I didn't take my socks off I go in the bed waiting for her to be done with the shower oh my lord you posed you got no fucking Bert Reynolds I was so tired to get worse I'm so tired from this long day of me all this stuff i fall asleep i just fall i fell out so i wake up i wake up to her kissing my forehead fully clothed going thanks i appreciate the shower and she just left oh my god so i had to put my clothes back on oh and then i had to get dressed again and i walk back to the hotel i am fucking dejected i am so sad you've been

dumped twice and didn't even know it. And the second time you were naked for it, you were sleepy and naked for it. She'll probably wake me up. She'll probably wake me up by sucking my dick if I do this. Yes, exactly. She gave me a forehead kiss. Hey, frog.

I thought you would come out naked, and I'd be naked, and she'd be like, let's go, right? She came out. She probably did. You were snoring with a fucking shriveled up little fucking sleep dick. She goes, oh, my God. Oh look at your little peckis out She covered you and kissed your head

Like a fucking cancer kid She did have that fucking shitty Boston accent She went thanks for the shower She said she goes Oh my little soldiers all tuckered out Buddy When she left and I had to get up And I just sat on the bed naked

It was I think that's where Lone 1 came from The inspiration I does feel like that could have been The true story that Lone was taken from Lone was inspired by a true story so so i i get up i have to get my clothes back on i gotta go back to because everybody's still back there so i go back there and as soon as i go in you're thinking maybe the other girl's done fucking i can jump in for sloppy sex i've never seen her again so so this this kid goes

hey there's a comedy show there's a little more pussy happening there's some other girls who's for fucking everybody but you up in this place you should head over there he goes uh there's a comedy show downstairs. It's why I ran downstairs. I ran. And I remember jumping over seats to get the front row. And I just sat there. And the two comedians come out.

It was a little tiny small stage, a little small theater. And they came out and did stand-up. One was Bob Keene, who I don't, at the time, was the funniest human being I've ever seen. I think he still does comedy, too. And then... I was considering you were going in at, like, negative five, just having someone fucking kiss you in the forehead with your dick out.

And then the next guy came up, suit jacket, you know, 1980s comedy, suit coat, you know, the sports coat. I think he had pads on his elbow too, shit like that. And I remember at the end of his thing, he, I reached my hand, I applauded and I breached my hand up and he took my hand and he shook my hand. He goes, thanks, man, for coming. I was like, thank you for doing what you do. But that was my first time where I was just enamored that stand up. I was like... Your mind was ready to attach to anything that night

except the reality of what was happening. And here I am. You had your dream girl get fucked by some guy after she fucking told you she'd go to a meeting with you knowing she's sending you back onto a spiral of fucking darkness. And then some sure thing goes,

hey, look at my pussy. Now take a nap with your dick out. And then... I mean, that was my... Just wandering. You walked in. It was raining. A picture was raining outside.

A comedy show. You go, I'll just get a... warm I guess for a few minutes you go this is how I can get pussy yeah exactly then you'll never be in dark again because if that girl kissed you on the forehead you got a couple of funny quips to say like oh well I mean you got to kiss everybody goodbye and then point to your dick but you didn't have that kind of clever thinking back then I didn't have my crowd work no no listen I I appreciate that but you got to kiss everyone goodbye to you to start giving out kisses what about my roommate down here I mean he let you shower here too you met Big Bob you want to

I mean, Little Bob. We didn't have these skills back then. Exactly. I did that. When I remember Big Goofy Sam, the girl who was like a, I guess, the NYU basketball player with Hardy. Always wore basketball shorts. Yep.

And she let me... Big tities. I mean, monster titties. And she let me shower after like whatever basketball we played on that fucking, what's it called, Chelsea Piers. Yeah. Basketball league with it. She let me take a shower in her dorm room.

And I was like, this is it. going down and then you realize very quickly like she's just letting me shower yeah it's the worst feeling in the oh i guess she just wants me to shower here oh i guess she's not interested to me leaving well again i've never had that kind of confidence what you're doing though like because in that shower if she in my mind if she was like when we get in the shower with you i'd be like no no no no no no no no no no no let me get let me get dried off a little bit and throw something on dude before let me throw things on all around my weener before rehab i was a fuck i had my shit I was banging.

I was banging. And then you lost your edge. I lost my mojo. And then that's when I actually talked to Mark that night. I told him my friend Mark, my rocker friend. Comedy was your booze. Comedy. Was your booze?

Yeah, comedy was my booze. Because you were getting booze or you were getting pussy with booze. Comedy. Now you're getting pussy with comedy. Yeah. Comedy years later became my drug of choice. But I remember I talked to Mark about this. You don't ever say anything that serious about comedy ever again.

Listen, there's no comedy, is my joke. I goes, really, Christine, I care about you very much, but I only have one true love, the lady comedy. Well, here's the thing. I want to say this. There's no comedy, Jay. There's only tragedy. Let's be real.

Tragedy and time. So Mark actually took me aside that night and started, this is weird, but he started teaching me how to get pussy. And you're like, well, I've always done it this way. I tell him to come take a shower in my room and then I get butt naked. And then I talk about God And then I lay down a fault

Take a nap in front of the door So they can't leave without stepping over me Yeah he taught I remember he was like listen You know what they do to you when they tease you And they get you all rock hard And they give you blue balls He's like you gotta do that to them Don't don't get it

You want to make out with them You want to rub it and then go down there And you get them so wet And then just graze by it with your hand Where they go and then don't touch it again For like 10 minutes and then go down again. Get him to where the point.

I hate that. I don't like this at all. Like a charm. Figure it out. Like every other fat person. He, I was a fat. Yeah, I was.

So I learned this on my own. I didn't need some guy to Jedi me through me. I don't want to hear a guy talk to me like that. And then just like, just blow a little air as you go across. Oh, buddy. It worked. It still works to this day.

I don't care. Not with my wife. I don't want to hear how this guy walked you through the wonders of pussy. He goes, then take your eyes. eyelashes and butterfly kiss or outer labia oh yeah it was it and then get in her ear you got to get in the ear but everyone knows you get in the ear you can't get my ear now because something will fall out and it'll make an audible sound oh my god that's disgusting I oh my god that really just I feel like

I tasted whatever fell out of it yeah dude you'll hear this if you go in my ear at your tongue you'll hear this on the ground I uh no the the nose in the ear the uh nose yeah I never heard that A little bit of nostril exhale on the nose. No, I got the mouth. You want to exhale. You want to get in and then go, you like that, you like me. Hey. Well, saying stuff.

Look at me, look at me. Yeah. You like that when I touch your mouth. Yeah, this is how you talk to a victim. I would say, uh, I'm more, I'm more of the noises that I would do like, fucking, like, a whisper in the ear words. What do you mean? Is that fantastic. What?

Do you love it so much? I don't want to do that. What? I don't know just let the moan. I don't know just let the moan do the word. work just like the I want to you know what to use sentences

I like the way I'll do that that works too I don't mind a little subtle I'm not going to get in there and go like I never want somebody so bad my life sexy ear whispers do you pray every morning

I pray every morning and I pray every night and I give thanks oh my God I'm completely inside of you right now oh my God God wanted this that happened do you need a sponsor I feel you with

I feel you with all five of my senses I want to do a real quick step down with you right now I'm sorry for sticking my fingers right into your asshole I want to devour every interview God what fucking gay shit to say I want to taste you I must taste you

I must taste I must taste your clit I thirst for your sex I wonder if you're at Asshole juice and pussy juice. I want to taste it mixed up. Truffle butter in my mouth. I bet you taste like a tomato juice.

Fart on my stomach. How much do you follow my stomach? What? What? No, don't get like that. What did you say? Nothing. I'll just...

What did you say? Just give me. You say fart on your stomach, you fucking weirdo. I get caught up. I'm not farting on your stomach like my uncle. Did you ever get caught up to say something fucked up? This is one of my moves, ready? This is a great move.

Because you'd always want to kill the monotony at some time when you're getting sexy and sexy. I would always do this. I'd be like, oh, God, you kissed just like my sister. Piss them off. Yeah, just to fuck one of them. You kiss just like my sister. In all of our years, have I said anything ridiculous? No.

I don't know why I feel like I said like if you're like if somebody like read your texts you'd sound you might not sound you know like you never want like when your bro's reading what you wrote to a girl. Oh yeah, ever. And we didn't, we didn't, I was, I didn't have any, we weren't around. I didn't have any, you had to say it. That's how old I am. You know, I'm going to say it in her ear. My time I'm talking about like in the act of sex like saying or asking for something ridiculous. Oh, I have.

You're not with me. you're uh the i just always go back to mind if i join the party what is that what is it what is this me and dave smith man it was bad what maybe you told me this no i don't think you do i mean probably if i haven't it's been a while but like

me and dave smith did shows at the pittsburgh improv out there and it's next to a dave and busters and after the show i think i was actually opening for a tell on this weekend and we went to dave and buster after the show and we were just being really funny and

like flirty with like our waitress who was not very attractive kind of a uh yeah she wasn't a very good looking girl but the uh because we're being funny her friend another waitress kept coming over yeah so it was like sitting there and went and then we're saying like

oh you know that would do it like the if you guys would smoke weed or something after the show or something that's we're right across street in a hotel and he took our they took one of our numbers and they called uh they called but it was just the one but the attractive one the one that kept coming around yeah she was yeah i'm by myself but i'll come smoke with you guys and like all right and then she got into that room and i mean i did i described it as like a patrice moment that i had and dave was right there for it was just like a conversational

breakdown of like yeah why wouldn't you just get naked we're all just kicking it right like and and she just like did uh got it was very like started being so um I'm aggressive and then because and I'm talking all this in the happening and then because I'm also insecure and like this I go well she probably likes Dave like a track of the Dave more so I'm going to go on the balcony smoke a cigarette let them to get going a little bit and they're fucking around she's naked on the bed she's laying on the bed on her back with her knees like bent feet down the ground but they're closed her knees are like touching and uh I think Dave's just like making out or something fucking around.

And then I didn't know why I finished my cigarette. I came inside and like chest slid onto the bed like fucking like I'm going into a wrestling ring. Oh God. And took my hands. Oh, no. I took my hands like this. Like I made like praying hands and got in between her like shins basically and opened her legs up. She opened her legs up.

And I said the word, my big fat fucking face came into her legs. I want you to say it the way you said it. Oh, sure. I think. It always sounds so menacing when I think back on it. I went, this is what she saw. Her knees opened up and she saw my fat face go, mine if I join the party.

She goes, I don't know if I'm comfortable. And I'm leaving. And I left in my socks. And I went downstairs to the business center on the computer for a little bit before laptops and shit. You had to go to the lobby. You want to go to the lobby and sign into AOL. No, but then I came back up because I was like,

oh, whatever. And I think I texted Dave or stuff. something I was like let me know when it's over and he couldn't wait for that text because I was just sitting outside the room at one point and I was listening and didn't tell anything it was happening and then

he let me in he kind of open the door he's like yeah come on in dude and I went in there and she was just still sitting there kind of like naked but like Dave wasn't at all and then she kind of got dressed and left shortly after and then Dave was just kind of like dude I wish you didn't leave because as soon as you left

she just kept doing the same thing she would like start hooking up and then go I don't know if I'm comfortable with this so he would go yeah yeah yeah That's cool. Then you could just go, and she'd go, no, get over here. And then he was starting, and then after, I think, like, the third time, he was like, I'm done, I'm good.

Like, this is weird. Like, you keep, like, stopping and starting. Can I say something? That's where you do the pussy tease. It would have worked. If you just grazed it. So when I came out, I go, mind if I joined the party? She went, I think I'm uncomfortable.

I'm like, wait a second. Yeah. And then got in her ear and go, oh, you show you. Go, here you go. Take me and Dave inside of you. Take up. We'll both fit Trust me, we'll fit

Two of three skanks are filling your holes This is almost skankfest You're almost getting skank what we call skank fest Before actual skank fest Me Dave and Lewis triple D And he was called getting skank fested That was too bad that nobody You got you three didn't do that

You have one girl out there that's been skank fested It was never in times I know Dave and Lewis did stuff together Me and Dave did stuff with a chick. I mean, the skanks of all time is stuff. We've always been together. Make sure you say, with a chick.

With a chick. We've put never, Dave and Lewis, me and Dave, me and Louis, but never, never, never the three of us. Not a full skank fest? Never a full skank fest. No girls ever got in the full skank fest treatment. That would be a great story. Just one girl out there with a, she could be the, uh, honorary skank of skank of

all three of them, wow. There's somebody. There's somebody that was. There's definitely girls that have had sex with all three of them. Not at one. Not at once, though. Not at once. That's not a Skag Fest.

Oh, wait. No. There's one in this room. Yeah. Jacob, you slut. You bitch. You're a shitty bitch. Yeah, it was, that's how I got into, that's my first time in comedy.

I did say my... Dejected. Well, when I got it, when I first did a first show at Bunkahill Community College with Al and the Monkeys, and we got our first skit. Oh my God. You saw a great stand of comedy and decided to gather your done. decided to gather your dumb friends and do sketch. I don't know how great it was. Can you bring up Bob Keene and see how,

because at the time, he was the funniest guy. And by the way, it's no dig. Orney Adams is a great comic. But Orney Adams, when I came to town and saw him at Gotham, I was like, oh, I guess everyone's as great as Seinfeld in town. Yeah. It's the guy up top, second little one. Yeah, that guy.

This guy here. That's him, yeah. Okay, let me find him because there's another comic named Bob Keen. That's not him. That's not him. No, that guy's, yeah, he was... There's two, Bob Keens. Yeah.

This guy was the funniest guy. Typing comedian, nobody was saying. Well, this is him. I'm just saying if I can find him through this. Anyways, and then I remember going backstage after our first skit that killed at the talent fest. It was a karate theater. Mm-hmm. Go on.

Where... Sounds like it was really hilarious, man. Where Dane would be on one side. I'd be on the other side, like Chinese guys. And he had peanut butter and I had a chocolate bar. and Jay and Al, from Al in the Monkeys, would have to be off the mic, and they would do the voices,

and we would just move our lips. And it would start up, da-na-na-na-da-dan-dan-dun-tun-da. And then I'd bump into each other, and then I'd be like, oh, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate. And then we'd fight.

They would do all the sound effects offstage. Whoopsh, who you going? Jay, Jay, where are you going? I can't listen to that in my ears anymore. I wish it was video. It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago. We all made mistakes.

I used to get in my underwear, I guess. Yeah, we all made mistakes. But I did it alone. It killed. I didn't find four of their idiots who also thought it was funny. And then we had a, remember, who was the guy with the first hair system? Spurling or something like that? Cy Spurling.

So he would. He's not just a president. He's also a member. So, yeah, I'm not just the president, I'm also a client. So he would grab my hair and pull it and I, hoo ha, who ha, hoo ha, who ha! And then I'd take out a sign with, it was a poster of me with a ball wig on. I go, I am not just the president. I am also a client.

And the place would just... You always weren't even smart enough to know it would be crient? Cryant. Well, they would do that. I wouldn't do the voices. I'm just mouthing it. I'm Chinese. Oh, but fucking Al and the other guy are too woke to be...

No, they would do crient. You couldn't pull the skin off now. But I went backstage to all the guys in the group at the time. There were two other guys that were in the group at the time. I kicked them out because they didn't have it. You couldn't see Dane because he had a fucking body suit made of chicks. No. Back then, Dane didn't, he didn't date chicks at all.

He was a theater nerd, dude. He was a theater nerd. I was the one banging all the chicks. Oh, well, don't worry. He made up for it. Oh, he made up for it. He leapfrogged you right quick. I went backstage and went, I'm doing this.

And they went, what? I go, this is what I'm doing. I'm doing comedy. I'm done with college. Touched by God. I started on my God again. I had two classes left. Two credits left.

I quit college and started doing stand-up. Wait, for community college or for a BA? For a... Community College. It was an associate's degree in fine arts. Relax. It was college. If you were two units away from a BA,

I mean, you can fucking finish those units. I was going, I was going associate's degree of fine art. I was going to transfer us to Mass College of Art to get my BA and then be an art teacher was my dream at that time. Oh, I wanted to be an art teacher.

You can fuck all those fucking hairy-pussy teenage girls. And then so you... First one to fuck the students, dude. Art teacher. So Dane got into comedy after you? Dane would date the ugliest, fattest, grossest theater chicks. Put in his time. It was, I mean, disgusting.

Like, he would just... His girlfriends were just these little fat theater. girls. It was hilarious. And I was banging. I was banging fucking tens. And then I remember the night the night at all switch with me and Dane. We were at Kelly's roast beef on Revere Beach, the original Kelly's back when it was good when they only hired guys to work there. They didn't hire women. It was all dudes and men would work there, which was fucking awesome. It was come to think of it now as a little good. Hey, you guys, you guys would have roast beef without all the worry about chicks.

I'll tell you, the service was good, though, fast and quick. Not these two yammering. Where are you going tonight, Kathy? Anyways, we were down there and these girls drove by, and they, dude, this is, I'm not just toot my own horn. This is probably my hottest I've ever been at this point in my life. I was wearing outrageous outfits. Damn, dude, it sucks balls to peak at like 17.

No, I was probably 20, 19, 20 at this time when I got into comedy or something like that. And I would wear tight, jordanche jeans. God, I wish it was like an Instagram role. I had your looks. There is a photo of me at this time. My hair was fucking insane. I mean, tight fade going up, curls. It was sick.

I used to wear a belt, a leather belt, the big silver buckle with the fwap that I would stick down back through the belt. You look like A.C. Slater. Buddy? Exactly. Yeah. I had boots. My boots were ankle boots with laces and zippers, and they were calf skin, but real, like, fur. Like calf skin, like the fur.

Yeah, fucking baby cow. But it was black and white, like calf skin. I like that. You should have had their faces on the front of your toes. And they were actually high heel. So you could, you'd hear a click, click, click, click, click, click. Turn it up, Lou. We're at, we're at the beach.

and I'm sitting there, car pulls up, smoking hot blonde and this other brunette, not as hot, but still cute. Blonde sticks her head out the window. Hey, let me see your ass. I was like, what? Let me see your ass. You got a great ass. So I turned my ass and I bend over.

They get out of the car. They walk over to us. They're like, what are you guys doing? I was like, what are you doing? And they bring us, they go, we're going back to our house. We live in Salem. I'm like, let's go. So we go back to the house in Salem,

and they live in one of these, I mean, 16th century old Salem houses, right? We go up, they live in the attic. It's fucking creepy. We find out they're witches. I'm freaked out. They live in Salem. Stripper witches, by the way.

There were strippers. That's how they made their money. They made their money on witchcraft. Have I known you for 20-plus years? Yeah. And it's never come up before. that you've been stopped on the road for your ass. Dude, crazy, crazy.

So we're there. I'm freaking out because they go, we're going to go take a shower. They literally undress in the living room and go in the shower together. I start panicking because I'm like, their witches, they're going to try to do something. This is too, this doesn't have,

there's no, we didn't make any moves. We didn't do any, you know, rubbing the pussy, whispering in the ear. You like that, you witch? Those pilgrims were wrong. I want to stick your head in water and see if you live. You should be allowed to practice.

Whatever you want to practice? So, so. Sorry about you burnt friends. I start panicking. I've never panicked before. I start panicking. Dane sees a guitar. He starts noodling.

He grabs the guitar. My girls lighting fucking candles on each five points of a pentagram. These girls are walking out naked from the... Forward. For what's just something I threw together They start walking out from the darkness naked

It's candles are lit I'm like we should go Dan goes He looks at me This one at all changed he goes Bobby get your fucking shit together now And he just strummed on the guitar Ladies

I was like What just happened? It's strippers I should say So you're missing So there you go You instead of My incident

Maybe we should get to the incident On the next hour We have to We have to We have to Wow that went fast Bobby Is going to be a comics come home

This weekend At the TD Garden in Boston This weekend everybody I'm always running But I'm standing still And The witch is a coming out And they get on

You wouldn't hurt you It's right. My favorite line, play it again. No, no, you did it, man. And then he goes, yeah? And he goes, I want to hear it again. You did it. I'm going to be a concert to home this weekend.

Let me finish the song. I'll get to your plugs. I'm going to be at Skagfest. And then I'm at Providence, Rhode Island. Get your tickets for Providence. Sella. Bobby used to be the one who got all the pussy. Point Pleasant, then New Jersey in New Jersey.

Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly from my stuff. And please go to my YouTube page. Big Jay, I can't wait for this. He's going to be at side splitters in Tampa this Thursday, November 6th through Sunday. All shows are selling out. There's still tickets available on Sunday. If you want to catch him, he is going to be the funniest motherfucker in Tampa.

You got to go see him. Big Jay this weekend. It's going to be full. And of course, Gramacy in New York for Story Wars on Tuesday, November 11th, and New Orleans for Skagfest, Salt Lake City after that. Tickets to all the shows. Please go to BigJ Comedy.com. And go to bigjicomedy.com for his dumber album. Nope. Oh, sorry.

What? It's gone. It's sold out. Sold out. You fucking missed out. Five hundred. Pretty cool. Uh-huh. Right? Five hundred they made? Yeah, 500. I'm going to make more, right? We kept a couple. Did you get me one?

Yes. Can we just get them printed? Oh, I was going to. Yes, you can, but don't tell them that. No, I'm saying for us, we can probably get us. Yeah, there's probably like, I probably need to 10 people I'm going to give them to. I absolutely do one. There is a thing, though, with the album printing where it's like, I don't know.

Well, I have to buy another fucking record deal or something. You'd like buy another 500 to print another one. Let's not get crazy. All right, we'll be right back with my incident. It's the bonfire. The incident. Something, something, something.