The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Anatomy of a Man

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

What type of dog was Cujo? If you don't know the answer, show your ass.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Robert Kelly. Is this real? Yeah. This is your boy's corn.

I didn't know corn made a Christmas song. Yeah, they love Christmas. I put the stockings by the tree and something, something this. Just let's first thing on a fire. I love that, I love that, that, that. Man, I'm the rapper, I'm the rapper! Man, I like it. Where do you play to slip? You don't have to make Christmas music metal.

Oh! I don't know if you have to, what'd you say? K-Rock Christmas. What is that mean? Just like, I know K-Rock back in the day they do do Christmas songs because there's also some punk people that do it. Well, punk sucks, so like... You don't like punk? No. No doubt has it woey to the world.

Punk music, I'll say it again, is the ultimate letdown. It's just not your thing. In music, because when you see the style and everything it goes with it, you're like like this is gonna be bad ass and then it's really cheesed dick Punk music is the Ramones you know like a movie. It's fine. I love the Ramones You love them. I Love them Name five songs. Ramon one Ramon Dude, you love them. You can name five. I think could I can I just say something to you?

I just you need to know this. I don't love them. I can name five, but you need to know this. Okay. Yeah There's certain people that can retain Information like that. Mm-hmm. Like stats on baseball players and and and who's the fucking, you know You know fucking new pick up or what and songs in the bass. And I'm not one of them. I don't remember anything. I don't know people in my family. I say, yo, it's up to, I don't know people's names.

I don't retain anything, but that doesn't mean I don't love them. But you just feel like you have a love for them with no memory or recollection of one song they sing. I know their songs, but when you put, first of all, number one, pressure, I fail. When you go, dude, name five songs. I start counting and I, my brain shuts down, huh?

Three. Three songs. Yeah. Yeah, for, um, see, this is my brain shuts down. But I, I, I know the songs. I know, I know you know Ramon songs But you can't think of you're gonna do the thing you cheat you can't cheat. I'm not cheating phone down Okay

I want to be sedated okay, that's one. Thank you. That's how I know the song that give me another thing like that Don't tell me the thing, but I'll tell you what is I don't want to be buried What? I'm giving you lyrics. I don't want to be buried. You guys sing it I don't want to be buried see this is why you're such an asshole you pick a deep track Not a deep track at all. That is a deep track. It's off a soundtrack. How about that? It's for a movie which one? That is a deep track. It's off a soundtrack. How about that?

It's for a movie. Which one? It's the title of the movie. You probably know this fucking third lead in the movie too, in his name and what he did last year. Third lead in the movie? Fred Gwyn. Dang, no, it's your thing, Jay.

It's what you do and I commend you on it. I love you for it, but it's not my thing. You understand? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Pet cemetery. Do you not start a fire? Yeah. Do you know, you do? I have a lighter in my pocket. No, without a lighter. Oh, yeah.

Something with like a magnet magnifying glass and a leaf. You're not a field dresser. Deer. Yes. How? Cut it down the gut. You pull the shit out and then you take the skin off and then you float it in your truck. No. Thank you. Actually, the thing says yes

You had the judges in your back pocket I think that is correct that lose go to the judge. Oh, yeah, look at that. Do you know? Put a fence up in your backyard. What do you need wood? Yes, okay, wait a minute. No, no wait, what else? What else? Look what do you need for offense? Yes, what else? Wiring go cross it some nails hammer no no and no you need a little shovel a dig for the posts a little bit Yes, you know what that shovel's called? Shovel. No. An aw. I'm an aw right now. An aw is small. You know you don't do you use nails to put up a fence.

Yeah big nails. No you don't. You don't use a nail in a hammer. It's not the forget 1800s. Screw driver. Screw driver. That would take a drill. Yes. And what type of screws? Long ones that go through the fence. No, no. I mean, he's not a drill. I mean, he's got you in his pocket. I think I am. I'm saying when my point is J, OK?

Yes. Is that you know things. You've never taken a deer apart with a knife. I have. In your life. You have not. I have watched many hours. Watched, okay.

Of how to do it. If you put a deer in front of me right now and put a deer in front of you, I would succeed in field dressing the deer. If you're working by that logic, I should be the world's most renowned pedophile hunter and interrogation specialists. I would say you are.

I would say you are. That's true. Yeah, because you didn't kill your uncle. Name five remote songs. That's how I interrogate people. Give me another. If you, I'll let you off with this pedophile you charge. If you can tell me the bass player for the remote.

Yeah, I, but punk across the board does suck shit. Do you like it, Lou? If you can tell me the base player for the remeones. Yeah, I, but punk across the board does suck shit. Do you like it, Lou? Yeah, I like it a little, but I'm, I don't know. Like Blink-1-2 is technically punk. That's what I mean. It's a rule, which I like. It's so bubbly. Let's create prop.

Pop punk. We'll fit up. No, I didn't. OK. He just wants you to admit that you don't really love the romance. I don't I do First of My god Christine goes for us. She told me she saw asteroid city that a fucking guy who makes all those long shitty not comedy comedies

Why say Anderson they're good. Anderson She went to that and she was like I love love that I go, nah, you didn't. I did, did, did. She didn't. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty. That's my new nigga if you're a ditty.

Ditty. Isn't dirty. You can't do that to people. You can't, you can't, you can't make people what you do so well is you retain shit. I would say if you didn't do comedy and smoke as much weed as you did, you would be an investigator.

You would work for the FBI or the CIA or some police as a detective or something like that. It's in your blood. You want a hunt pedophile. It's in you. Some probably from your mom having sex with so many cops back in the day. Maybe. You have it in you. I should have been a police man. You should have been a

G-man something. You need an investigator. It's in you to do that. Like an off-reo type. Yeah, you're exactly like that. On the job. Stephen Bobby's business. Right. I still hate that guy for that. I should. I want to get him on the show. He took your business. He took my hand business. Damn. No, I was so excited to have that business. You're going to be the guy in the scene who put your hand on Denofrio's shoulder.

Business. That's good business. That's great business. Walk in. Hey, what's going on? Any other actor watching that would go, oh, he made a choice right there. He made a choice with the choices. Yeah. And I make another choice because he stole action taken by

He really did you good, but you my friend can't you can't say that Christine doesn't love the Directed because she doesn't know all his shit that he does that's not my argument what your argument I was saying flat out she didn't love the movie she just saw that she told me she loved like night It didn't it was when you're around the funniest people in the world all the time Christine she's around the New York comedy scene for the last 20 some years. Yeah There's no way she thought asteroid city was super great. You think it's super funny We're the royal tenon bounds or any that for shit I mean I gotta get when Jay has a point he has a point I. I'm gonna say this thing I've ever seen. I'm gonna say

this to you, Christine. Fuck the Ramones. Jay, you're right. I don't even like them now. I'm part of fucking stupid Susie is a punk, whatever dumb name is. Oh, when someone tells me I love Frank Zappa, I just go, you, but you know you don't but put yourself through that to prove the people you do Well, you know who does love fucking 35 minute hair dryer. So I know I live with him. Oh There he is Oh, there you leave dumb fucks the Grinch of Christmas

It's a tattoo right he had one yeah, no he still does he still does a lives. Yeah, I don't get that you don't get a tattoo of Some dude you don't know well, I mean Yeah, but they know you I'm all for a band tattoo if you love a band doesn't bother me you think you think he really loves Frank Zabba that much Tato if you love a better doesn't bother me. You think you think he really loves Frank Zappa that much? Oh, I think he's made himself to appeal to people. Yeah, to be at a very Interesting road you can go down if someone explaining Frank Zappa, but he blows. Yeah, I don't I'm not a fan I don't even know what kind of music it was

Yeah, it reminds me of weird owl yank of the step shit. It really sounds like something Jerusalem would love though. Yeah, I know. I'll be honest with you. It really is just a lesbian and waiting. I'm not gonna lie to you. This may be the best song I've ever heard by Frank Zepa. Usually it's like what's it Valley girl? Was that him? He's broken hearts of the assholes. Yeah, this song sucks, actually. I'm wrong. Yeah. Does he sound like comedy rock? Yeah, it's comedy rock is what it is. He was, I mean, he's not that good. I don't get it.

His kids are dumb. What's this mean? Yeah, you're giving her signal. Yeah, I're giving her signal. Yeah, that. I love him. That. So Rosa loves that. I hate it. I hate their moms. Who told him when he got the bad religion tattoo without the cross in it?

Was it Metzger? And so was that mean no just got the no the circle slash And it's in cursory goes what does that mean no biceps? Well, he also got the tattoo from Mostly George Carlson, right or something like that George Carlin George George, let's see you know people better than me. Come on Bob you retain things dude you retain things Oh and the old guy, Brucey Lenny. And, uh, oh, oh, oh, near Patricia. Yeah. Buddy. Rodney Dingelberries. What's the, um, what's the, he had the tattoo? What did I say? Don't

take shit from anybody. He's one of the best. He's kicking in the nuts. Keep kicking him in the nuts kid. Now, keep kicking him in the nuts. Yeah. Is what he said to Joe when he met him and said goodbye. You know, when he was leaving. Sure. He said, keep, you know, a little back and forth they had for a minute or two.

And he was like, keep kicking the nuts kid. So Joe went out and got K, K, T, I, T, N. Yeah, he looked like he was in the clan. It is a fucking clan tattoo. Well, one from a, at first glance, a little bit said kitten. That's true, so that did look like kitten. And then somebody, I forget was that on ONA

or something, they looked it up. Somebody looked it up and it turns out that he just, that's just like his sign off. It's on every, like a photo inside. It says, he says it's not says everybody. It's just his line and Joe got it on because he was like, this is what he said to me. And Joe probably for a couple of months would look at it before he went on stage and think this is what it's all about.

I'm nervous right now, but you know what? My nerves go away when I look at my phone. What was your most, the cheesiest I've ever been before I went on stage ever? Well, I got myself so worked up in the head that when I went to Montreal for new faces, I was like, this is the thing where they, like, whoa, I might leave here like, like six figures of money like in a deal or something.

It was past that time, but a little bit past it. And I remember before I went on stage, I'm dressed so wrong. You got me in slim leg, dark jeans, like slip on dress shoes, and short sleeve button down shirt. It's insane. I look like Michael Jackson shoes on. Yeah, it was so, but it was just my manager was like, you should dress nice for this now. I was like, it's not really how I do comedy. God, didn't manage his shoes.

And he was just like, I'm telling you, you want to dress nice. And when I put that out for him, he was like, it's great. It's so, God, I wish there was video of me from that or something would be so funny. But I sat in that back before I went on. Looking at Isabella May have been like one or two. Oh, looking at a, maybe one, she was like a baby, looking at her picture to be in like,

and in my head, probably saying things like, Daddy's going to come home with money, we're going to take care of everything. So I think it's going to be all right. I gave myself a real speech in that back. Alms now, you can come over the just for left, no pad, a bottle of wine. Buddy, I went out on that stage and did so middle of the road. We know like the stage lights came up and you're like, here we go, first joke, tepid applause, second thing,

light laughter. I got him a little bit maybe in the middle, well, dance, only five minutes and it was over and nothing. What I got from that was MTV 2's, what are they wearing talking head half hour show once one episode. I had to do the I had the same exact thing. First JFL did the nasty show. The week before. So the nasty show was always the week before. Me, Jim Jeffries, Nick Depalo, David Tal, and Louis C.K. Wow. One of the greatest lineups ever been to.

Wow. Then they say, whenever you do the gala, Matt Frost said, dude, you got to get a suit. I was like, I don't know if I wear a suit. You got to get a suit for the gala. I went to the mall at the hotel there, you know, downstairs. I had a custom suit, I was fat at the time too, it was one of my fats.

I had a custom suit made. I, all my money, I think it was 1200 bucks for this fucking rush-ordered suit. I had it made, I remember the warm-ups, little kev, they were like, you can't swear, you can't say fuck. Don't say this, don't say that, I was like, okay, and I just came for them to ask you, show. Little kev's on stage before me. Five days, motherfucker, shit.

It's his gala. He's on the gala, not his gala. He's just on it. He's just like me. Sure. I go, why can he swear? She goes, I don't know, it's cute when he does it. Wow.

That's what the lady running the thing said from Comedy Central. It's cute when he does it. That's just that He goes out in front of me in jeans a fucking chain look the shit Murders fucking shit and baby shit nice shit, and there's all kinds of shit and shit and more shit Oh, drop my murder I'm gonna black suit with a blue shirt. I look like an agent. I look like I'm from fucking William Morris. People thought I was his agent when I was backstage.

When you see somebody you know too and Cavill is younger than you in comedy, comfortably doing whatever he wants to do and you realize you've been talking to a suit. Suit comedy is I can't. Dude, I even dress clothes. I don't want a performance dress clothes. It's not my performance buddy I don't know how to walk in a suit on stage. I walked out there. I Didn't do good. I didn't do tepid I fucking bombed There's one bit where I have to I kind of I say something and I walk down this long haul the joke It's about New York City subway apartments where you get to a fight and by the time you get to the door It's so long you already made up

Yeah, so I start yelling and I'm walking and the stage is huge. I'm walking and walking yelling nothing Usually when I do it, I click see your shoes to dress you When I had to walk back there's usually laughter dude I had a walk back from the back of the stage in this stupid suit, and then you heard my little feet, like, like, like, 3,000 people just staring. And they were like, yeah, they were like, you're just walking back to the way I have to. And then nothing. Just the same way when you got to come back to the microphone and go, all right.

But, um, you know the other crazy thing about this. I felt the beat of sweat go over my eyeball. I have never done well on a recorded television show at just for last festival in Canada. I've never done well. I eat shit every time so I don't want to do a material. So I do, I started doing better actually on them when they finally like to get me to do them. They'd say that I can just work the crowd. So I go, alright, I'll do that.

I walked out of that. Because crowds aren'll do that. I walked out of that. Because those crowds aren't always there. When I walked out of that thing, nobody talked to me. And my agent, Matt Frost walked up, he goes, you look good. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Suit comedy I can't there's some guys who do it. Oh Steve Burring does it. He started doing it. I don't know He's still he still does it whereas a suit on stage. I just can't do it or can't here's a go PCoreale and Jim Burr convinced Kevin Brennan to wear a suit because it was too abrasive They're like you need to go up there and be the suit guy. You start doing it. He didn't want to twice and it sucked

And he's fine that Kevin Kevin Brennan, such an interesting dude. I always say that when I did the, I think I did one of the last Aspen HBO Aspen festivals, they did. I was there. I think I was there. You made me, yeah, yeah. Patrice was there.

We had to stay in like the little ski lodge hot. Yeah, yeah, it's like a, yeah, it's like a fucking lodge almost you stayed in. But I did the last one of that and Kevin Brennan One best of the fest. I was in there. Yeah, I'd seen him that's hilarious. I had seen him in the city I don't know if he was here the whole time he started showing up at the seller and I'd watch him. I thought he was funny and Everything but when we went out there and like he the time the time, I'd say, I don't know what his comedy's like now at all, but he was like such a person.

It was the most professional thing I've ever seen. Like, he turned it on and he had a set that just leveled. He won best of the fest that year. It's a hard thing to do. And now he's so angry. Well, thanks to everybody hates him. Dude, when in best of the fest at that festival, it was all industry.

I mean, the crowd was all industry because that was a paid vacation for every network and every agent. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out.

They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all went out. They all last years. I actually passed out, that was the year. Torgasm was filmed, wasn't out yet. New it was coming out on HBO.

I think that's why I kind of got invited. And my knee was fucked up. And I remember the first show there, I did something my knee folded and I fell on the ground and they would just laugh at me because they thought it was part of the bit. And I was just on the ground going And then I got up and say good night and I lost my oxygen to because we were up in the fucking altitude

So I was backstage with my hurt knee and just with oxygen tank. I felt like a lump of shit That was a one they had a man that sucked they had me go for radio up at the top of the mountain So they you have to get up like six and go on a fucking whatever gondola ski lift Top of the mountain in a snowstorm I get up there I'm just waiting and they're going comic comic and then it's about 8.30 Guys all right everybody thanks for coming on that's the morning bit bit bit bit bit We'll see you guys next blah blah blah and he's I'm like what he gets up Put the fucking helmet on goes outside jumps on skis and flies down the fucking mountains. Christ didn't even have me on

Viently angry you should have been I had to take a fucking stupid gondola down back down by myself alone alone No ready. That's a loan five alone five the lone gondola. That was pre- alone alone. That's alone five alone five. The lone gondola. That was pre-lone. That's a, yeah, that festival is interesting. I only went that one time, but that was the weekend. It always stands out to me because that was the girl who came to meet me to hook up all weekend.

Pussy smelled so bad it was a problem in the room. Melted snow. It was. Yeah, melted snow. It was. Should have melted snow. That's what I told you that. She took a piss and Patrice's bathroom of his room. And when I took her like I went with her to the airport because she was leaving good day or so early. And I came back to the hotel and Patrice was outside and he was like what I cause he was trying to say tell her like oh you should stay for the extra day. And I was over his shoulder given like, what, because he was trying to say tell her, like, oh, you should stay for the extra day.

And I was over his shoulder given like a, like they'd let her go. And he was like, he was like, I was like, let her go. And he goes, all right. And then when she went in the bathroom, I was like, I'll tell you in a little bit. Her pussy was like the omen. Just a bunch of flies on you window.

Oh, yeah, for sure. There was 666 carved in the side of it. It was so, she was beautiful. Beautiful girl, just two times I hung out, three times I hang out with her total. First time, no problems at all. Second two times, pussy smell was a major issue. It was nuts.

So, but yeah, she came out to Aspen and then I took her back to the airport so she could fly out. I came back to the hotel in Patrice. I was like, what's going on? And I told him, I was like, oh yeah, it's in her pussy. He's just like, I don't know. So he was wrong down there because it's bad.

I don't know how she doesn't know. It fills the room. She knows. She must know. And Patrice was like, oh, he didn't think, I saw a dawn on him. And he was like, oh, he said when we left, he went to his bathroom and thought like a dead mouse or something was in it. He didn't think, I saw it dawn on him, and he was like, oh, he said when we left, he

went to his bathroom and thought like a mount, like a dead mouse or something was in it. And he called housekeeping to come like get that smell out of his bathroom. That's crazy. From a piss, from one piss, a flushed piss, no less. That means the fucking, uh, fucked up the water in. Her, uh, her fucking fucking oof just filled the room I don't know she had to have no she knows she knows she knows you have a

vagina you know in your vagina is something wrong with it you know right yeah you know they know you always know you think yes with it something well something like what you're talking about was you experienced one time it's like I was terrified it's like a bacterial infection and it's awful. Whatever, it was something was infected for sure. It was so, so bad. I had a girl, a smoking hot girl, too, stripper and Boston.

I mean, love in my life at the time. And she had a, she was her butthole with strangers, dude. Dude, her, yeah. I love her. That's what did it. God, that's what I love her. She was so hot. She was a nanny. I met her when sheole with strangers dude. Dude, her. Yeah, that's what did it. God, that's a bad lover. She was so hot. She was a nanny. I met her when she was a nanny and then she became a stripper.

Like I met her as a nanny, hung out. I kind of blew her off, came back. She's a stripper at the naked eye and she's just a smoking hot and she, we were having sex one day and she, we had sex and then she went to go down on hot and she we were having sex one day and She we had sex and then she went to go down on me and she went oh She went oh I got not me That's you it's not me. She goes I know I go what's wrong? I go what is it? She goes? I don't know I I'm going to the doctors. I'm gonna get it looked at I think it's you know hold off for a few weeks then didn't

Don't fuck me. No, she was so smoking hot. You went you finished. Yeah, you went back in she no I didn't go back in her not that time, but I I'd banged her it was bad But then when I saw her years later we hooked up again in which he was that in your neck of the woods her most a beach. Oh Yeah, I went and visited her out there and it smelled fantastic. She fixed Yeah, I went and visited her out there and it smelled fantastic. She fixed. She's girl. She's not a hard fix. That's why I'm like, I'll get the girls. This girl came out. This girl came out to I met her in a, a bomb fuck Alaska, Valdez, Alaska, Valdez, Alaska. And she was going to be, she came out the same time I was in LA one from there staying at a friend. I'll ask a Yeah, I was staying so I'm saying it was like this hidden the way place

I mean we did a show at the comedy show it was all of Valdez Alaska came to it because the next day at The airport the driver who picked us up like everybody at the airport was like great show last night It was like a city hall or something where they had everything. Civic Center. Yeah, I did a show in Alaska. It's they're they're awesome people too. The Frankridge. I love this was great too. When I remember but it was just like I mean I guess it was good. I hooked up with she's but she's eating wear a blubber. Yeah, I mean that's her. Maybe it's what is over. Yeah, maybe it's seal fat.

But when I fucked her that night, it was fine fine like everything was great. It was a great time But I mean it's a crazy night, but like the sex was fine and then we're good enough that when she was like I'm gonna be out there. We should hang out. I said yeah, I had a hotel room for like just one morning Yeah, and I was staying at a friend's house and We hooked up in that hotel and I had to pretend to finish because the smell was so bad, I was like, what's that about?

And I go, are you know what? Maybe she traveled, she needs a shower, blah, blah, blah, then she came over where I was staying at my friend's house, one of the other nights and we started the fuck again and it was just as bad and so I faked it again. We faked it. Yeah, and then I was like, something was wrong and she didn't know about it, but she

again, beautiful girl. So when she was like, uh, if I go out to that, uh, Aspen Festival, like would you want to hang and I was like, yeah, absolute. And then you would, I mean, I had to be months later. She, and then it was so bad. Maybe Maybe she was gonna post you as a root seller For the winter she's keeping a stalker. Oh, it was yes. Those are bad walnuts actually. Oh, I didn't weep those out real quick I didn't John my onions. I Put those in there. Yeah

I'm making preserves down there It was but I'm saying that was months and months apart preserves down there. It was, but I'm saying that was months and months apart. It was months and months apart and it still smelled bad. So if that's a back to your infection, wouldn't she have been dead? Do you like duck? I have pickled duck in my fucking pussy. If you like something, you feel about pickled duck. Christine, Jacob, has a question for you? Yes, Jacob. Because you said every woman knows, and I have experience also, this was a long time ago, but...

You're supposed to smell bad? Yeah, well worse than that, I went, I was smelling something, but I didn't, I had never experienced this situation before. And I went to go down on her, and it was like cottage cheese coming out of her vagina. That's a yeast infection. That's a yeast infection.

Yes, it's no good man. And there's another thing that's gross. It's like coffee grounds. It's like a discharge is gross too, discharge. Of coffee grounds? Well, it can have like little nuggets in it, like coffee grounds, yeah. And what is that? It's just a vagina that just got sick.

That's a poor sick veg, you know what I mean? I would have taken coffee over this, I think. Well, yeah, it looks like it's, it looks like Sharad's corner of his mouth after he gets high for like three hours. I was like, oh, no. But. That's my, yeah. Oh, murky.

He wasn't aware of the countercheese for some reason. Did you say something about it? I didn't know what to say. I was like, yeah, I think you take a swipe up on your finger. Yeah, how you say it. You put it on your finger and present it to her. I would be like, hey, get this looked at under a microscope. Yeah, hey, I should have said something,

but I couldn't bring myself to. Have you seen the movie Kujo? That was it, Bobby. That's what you're imagining. You're putting the salivating like a rabid fucking, what the hell is that dog called? St. Bernard. Shit.

Too late. It was a mastiff. It's okay. No.. Shit. Too late. It was a massive. It's okay. Nope. Massive. Nope. It was a massive. St. Bernard, buddy.

Massive. St. Bernard. It's bad. Right now. What do you want to bet? $75,000. Okay. Remember you, remember it took you, remember it took you a full hour to remember two of the

most popular remote songs? For a band you love, it's a band you love. I don't cook you love Kujo. I do not love Kujo, but I'm pretty sure it was a mastiff. Okay. I'm not gonna bet 75, that's not worth it. Why? No Christine Fizzle.

It's a mastiff. Christine, first of all, it's not happening. Cause she looked over at me like, are you getting it? Cause I'm getting some of that money. 75 large. I'm getting a new Goucch. I'm looking. 75 large. I'm getting a new gooch. 75 large dude. I'm not the Christine look at you.

You know the answer Christine. Look at me. I'm looking at discharge. No. For what? Christine's like I thought I was making coffee in my pussy. Is that discharge? I'm looking at coffee ground discharge.

Yeah. Yeah right. Old bloody has been years from while. Yeah. Right discharge. Oh it's old blood coming out. Slow down. Put out the signs of early miscarriage.

Oh, God. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh. Well, looking up how to treat it is the first step. Good for you, Chris. You want to bet you didn't look it up yet. So what do you want to bet? I will bet you, what do you want to bet?

You bet me something. But not set. Naked pictures of our significant others. I can't, if I'd have to fucking see your naked to get them. No, no, no. I'm going to address it while she's sleeping. She has to send it directly to me.

She probably would. She probably did that. For my eyes only, and Christine will the same for you. And Christine will do whatever you ask. She likes to pose. I don't want the picture of Christine Nidale. I'm sure Jay has other news. He sent me. Yeah, I don't know. I likes to pose. I don't want the truth, Christine. I'm sure Jay has other news. He can send you.

I know, I know. Two fingers in the butt. I don't know. I take it. How about I get to see your butt? My butt. Your butt. Your butt.

Sure. Have a terrible butt. No, not butt. Just my naked ass. I have a, my gut's getting nice again. I have a terrible ass. You have a terrible ass. A terrible ass.

Come on. But I'll, we'll show each other each other's asses. All right, all right lose rest of shoulder ass in the room All right in the room. Yeah, yeah, I'm in I'm in a corner where everyone can see your ass Wait a minute everybody this is not a Traderass. I'm not sure I'm not sure Yeah, but I don't want Christi. I feel like she's a woman. I'm not I don't like it fired You are all people I'm four days over nine months. But parachute can still be pulled of all people. You want in this room to appreciate you're getting good

ass. Yeah, it's Christine. It's DJ Lou and Black Lou. Black Lou, I feel like I feel like they both know what a nice ass is. Black Lou does. DJ Lou has. Yes, actually he does too. He's got that fucking thomper.

No, I do want to get on this. He's got a thomper. What's up? I didn't open me right there. Oh, Jacob's got a thomper. What's up? Yes. He's helping me right there. Oh, Jacob's got a good ass. Jacob, can I say what you know? Yes. I mean, I, you know, I work on mine.

You won't see it, Jacob. You're all in Zoom. Bobby left to be in a corner showing us his... You could show me his ass on this. No, this is getting nuts. But no, I'm just saying like he said, he didn't consider me an authority. I, I, not that it can,

I don't consider you authority on this type of ass. It's different kind of nice. It's a different type of nice. No, Jacob knows a man's ass better than a woman's ass. Yeah, but he's gonna look at my button. He's gonna judge it differently. No, one thing for sure is Jacob definitely is more familiar with the anatomy of a man.

Jacob loves a guy body. He likes to look at a guy's body. This will be the first naked ass he's seen that wasn't one of his nephews in a couple years, probably. Hahaha. Jacob's over there getting dirty pictures of his nephew. I think you're right though, Jacob,

you should be allowed to see Bobby White say, as you stand on the little ledge of your chair and turn around and just show us a little butt cheeks. But you might win. But it's because I, it's. Because Kujo might be a mastiff, he said. I know. I'm, it's, it's some sort of mastiff.

And here's a problem. I didn't know I lost because Christine already tapped out. She don't want to see my butt. No, she's wants to see it. Did you look it up already? I haven't looked stuff yet. Okay. All right, let's go.

Let's do it. I'm in. Okay. Here we go. But you can't videotape it. Oh, no, not your ass. Let's, you have a blur technique and filter on. Here we go. But you can't videotape it. Oh Let's you have a blur technique and filter on that. All right guys ready. Yeah, bunny ears on it Why'd I doubt you you're a savant? You called that earlier. Are you sure? It's 100% the same for an art

Do you know why I know that images? Yeah see images? Can I ask you a quick, oh god it is. But you know why I thought it was a mastiff because it was dirty. It looks like it looks like Hooch. That's a distinctive dog. That's a dog you didn't know was the same dog. I don't ever talk down to me first of all because I offended you with the butt comment. I have all of this. Alright, I know. Yes.

Stop enough talk. Let's see that. I'll turn of this. All right, I know. Yes. Stop enough talk. Let's see that. I'll turn. Oh. Christine. I'll look away. What?

No, you have to look. Now nobody wants to see it. Oh, okay. Now we're partying. You got to tilt that camera down a little bit, Bobby, so Jacob can see your took. Yeah. There we go. Okay, now we're talking okay

ready mm-hmm well the chair is in the wind the chair is in the way but okay all right it's got a little V above the crack it's getting there it's getting there but let me do it stand it up okay yeah oh hang Okay, I see what's up. He's getting the shape You can you hear me yeah, I can hear of course I can hear I can see dirty bird I'm just gonna tell some you say something right now. Yes, you got a great ass. Yeah Thank you Jacob that was nice. I was good. Let's do another bet so we can see your ass Let me tell you why and definitely see them the muscular literature of your ass Well, I've been working on my bum. I've been doing a five-minute butt workout for the last three months really what a lady

What a hot chick you are. It is a woman's workout. How porous it is. But I do it. You want your to see in shape? I feel I understand. I have, yeah, because my biological dad has a flat butt. Yeah. I remember that about him. I remember going out with him and his pants would always come down. His little flat butt. Yeah, my dad's got a flat ass and I don't know about my mom.

I don't know about that. I do. She's got a nice. I don't know if I'm on a nice dump. She was very skinny when I was young. My mom was hot. mom was my mom was hot Yeah, my mom was like she's pregnant 15. So she was a ho to your ass. She was a whore Hot and real whole she was a slut in the bush

Take your turns fellas one of them made Bobby Made Lisa first Lisa she went back to the bus a couple years later. And then she goes, no, I went out the kid. Let me go on there and just let some guys come dump me. Hey, fuck me on the railroad track. I'm so close to the East. I mean, you too, really.

Yeah. My mom, she's only 20 years old. Yeah, my mom was 18 when she had me. Yeah. And she was 15 when she had my sister. Damn, yeah, back in the day. And when you had a kid back then, she was Irish Catholic.

You had to go away. Yeah. You couldn't go home. You had to go to like that home. Really? Yeah, she had to go to a place. It was rough. That's why like a lot of the, like I fought with my mom

for a long time about all the shit I went through and the, you know, the, the, the stepdad that was a piece of shit and blah blah but I Now that having a kid and you look back. I'm like man 15 18 I couldn't have done it. What I'm I'm having a hard time doing it now Yeah, and you know, I'm I'm all right with you know, at least and she did it herself She did it or she well she had my mom my my grandmother and she had There was 13 of us lived in a three bedroom. But it was tough, man.

Yeah, we lived next, we were on the floor on a twin mattress. Me and my sister and my mom next door, a weight bench in my uncle's room with two other dudes and my uncle was on the sun porch and all over the place. Just kids everywhere because they just, you know, back then you didn't have an abortion. You fucked and so- Somebody got molested. Nobody got no, I don't know. kids everywhere because they just, you know, back then you didn't have an abortion, you fucked and so- Somebody got molested. Nobody got, no, I don't know.

No, I didn't. I didn't say you did. Nobody messed up. But somebody got molested. Nobody. Too many people. Somebody got molested. Nobody fucked around.

Nobody, I mean, I've heard, I would have heard something by now. Yeah. I think, but nobody, yeah, nobody is, nobody got dittled in the house. Eight kids. Nobody got dittled. I mean, I got out of the house, I got dittled in the house. Eight kids, nobody got dittled. I mean, I got out of the house, I got dittled, but not in the house.

I did a little dittled with my buddy. My friend did it. I got out of this house and get some dittling in. You know, in fairness to tell you why I know the kujo thing also, besides from just being notably a St. Bernard always kujo. Besides from just being notably a St. Bernard always Kujo My that was the dog that my mom used to after her job. Yeah a casual male big and tall She would do the night deposit drop off the bag with the mind She would but he would too

Yeah dog But we went to the night deposit thing the drive-through and my mom had to get out to go to the window to give it to put it in that drawer and she left her car door open and a fucking loose St. Bernard jumped in her her seat Loten on okay jumped in the car and there's it was sweet it didn't do anything But there's their fucking gigantic and I was a, and I just remember the scream I just did, my face mushed up against the window of like, I mean, I jumped out. I was so scared, and the cops came,

and I ended up taking like 10 minutes to get the dog out of the car. So, but it was like, it just jumped in with me like, ah! Like the hell, went from just like waiting for my mom to a beast, a magnificent beast climbing in the car. Well dude, back in the day, kids have it so easy now, at least laws. Back in the day, they'd just be massive dogs roaming the neighborhood.

Fucking, I had a German Shepherd on my front porch on my grandma's one day. Just sitting on like 900 degrees out mid-summer and there's this massive just German Shepherd on the front porch. And my grandma's like go see a check his collar To my uncle so Bobby you go check his collar. I'm a kid. I don't even think I was in fucking first grade yet I just went out and grabbed its neck and he said And get through my hand. Oh Jesus. Just bit through my hand and my uncle laughed. He went ah You get to let him smell your first some shit

Just a rogue dog the cops came the the dog bit the cop and the cops name was Robert Kelly, too I that it made the paper really yeah, so you were here. Oh instead of the scary kid that got bit And no bit through his hand the cop was he got bit Yeah, but that can the day, remember dogs are just Rome the streets you didn't and you let dogs out you didn't let like I remember dogs would be outside you didn't let your dog stay inside a lot of my friends you are backyard dog houses remember dog houses just leave the dog in the back god forever you know with a moment my first moved to New York the guy who we lived with we lived in his house, him and his wife and kid lived upstairs. He looked like Travis Bickle. He was like skinny and

like cut. His name was Wayne and he had, he knew he looked like Travis Bickle. I mean, the facial he looked like him too. So he would shave a mohawk in it was there. And he was a repo man. So our house on this block, we live in the bottom floor, they live on the top. It was me, Carla, Max, Kurt Matsker and his girlfriend at the time, Jessica, and we all live in this place. And there was gigantic plywood fencing around the whole house because he uh... would be repot cars so he'd come home and i get to undo a padlock to get into the gate to go to the house

and when you open the padlock you were opening up to pop up he used to like roles roises and mercenaries and shitties like reponing for my drug the origin and so he has all that up a security and then the other security was and again before I was a dog person as I am now With the dog I'd really overly didn't give a shit about dogs, but now in hindsight These he had these huge fucking like I don't know if they were dobermans or like pit bulls, but they were like big Scary dogs like two or three of them and I'd say

A six by five like big cage and they just lived in that cage. Yeah dogs are dogs are supposed to live outside He didn't take them. Yeah, but I mean they were never out They were never like walked or anything they just lived there to bark when people would come in Yeah, but most but dogs are I mean, it's an animal. I mean we I know Christine's crying But dogs are meant to live outside. It's not like they die. Well, here's what's interesting about dogs, and I've noticed that with our dog. Well, all the shittiness that we feel

for doing anything to a dog, forget, I'm not talking about abusing or hitting a dog, but like the pun, what we feel is like a punishment and it's too long. Like outside of taking them out to go to the bathroom Our dog like we feel bad. It's like we had to do two shows today if she's in the crate all day Because she she went that furniture the other day, so we got to put on the crate now goes It's like six hours in that cage her behavior is no different if she was out the whole day or in the cage when she gets out She's just like all right cage times over I get they don. They don't, they really, she doesn't have like,

she doesn't have like an attitude where it's like, guys. But you know why, right? Well how long are you gonna leave me in there today? There's like, sure, I guess I'm in here. She would sit there calmly until two in the morning if we got home 12 hours late and then come out and want to play. She doesn't give a shit.

Do you know what the best dog in the city is? A great thing. A great thing. Yeah'm talking a great day. Yeah, they're denning animals. They just they don't they sit and they go take a shit and then they go and sit. Yeah, there's a lady at the dog park that brings that right? Yeah, kubi.

I think definitely foxer. I mean, it's huge. Like she walks, but it's like it's like up to her tits. And the picture, the people that have big dogs in the city, they have to pick up just big hunk. Like it's a big wet penis. Every time that dog takes a shit, you have to grab it with your fist and scoop it up and it weighs a lot.

I remember watching people in my building when I lived over on 43rd. I had little Calbee and diva Yeah, little tiny poopies. Yeah scoop them up real quick Don't make fun of you I gave her a diamond necklace that said diva on it. Oh, I love her. She's the sing If you yon you're making fun of me getting a Dawkins jersey for a dog named Dawkins. Yeah, whatever. Time in demon.

I haven't bought Dawkins a dime in necklace yet. I want to now. If you yawned, if you went, she go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, every time you yawned, you would do that. And we came across it by accident. One day I said,

oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I love diva, but she pooped little, but big dogs man. There was a lady with like, I think D. I don't know what the dog was. I was like a Rhodesian ridgeback or something. That thing laid rope. I remember seeing her on the winter,

it was just hot steam coming off it. Look like some Chinese dish. She had to scoop it up and she could net the little doggy bags. She had to get like fucking like deli bags. Yeah, oh yeah, the doggy bags. Good. She had to get a deli bag and double suit. Like a shot like a like a store bag like a shopping bag. Or you could hear it hit the bottom of the trash can.

It's like. Pum. Pum. Uh, dog and takes medium-sized shits. That's why I love my backyard Doodles has to go out. I just open the back door Doodles on the floor she doesn't the back and then darn cleans it up like twice a week She'll in the back and do a little thing to a sweep she did a little scoop poop a scoop. Yeah Poop a scooper. I don't have to deal with dog shit.

You got a poop of scooper? I got a poop of scooper. Do it back here. I get the poop of scooper. I don't mind that. I love a poop of scooper. You don't have a poop of scooper? No, it doesn't make sense. I just got to pick it up with a bag and throw in the garbage.

You got a poop of scooper, dude. No, I don't think I know. I don't know. Just leave it out somewhere. Find a little spot. Nobody will find it. Leave it out and get your poop of scooper. Yeah, but it's always got poop on it. So what? A drop poop.

No, stop my poop. I'm not shitting in the backyard. I want to touch my poop either. Yeah, rather than just a dog's poop, they're my poop. You can just leave it around the neighborhood. She poop's in different places. Say what? Dude, I had a lady who just got like some young girl.

No, she was something wrong with her mentally. But she was, you know, you couldn't tell because she was kind of like 20s or something. She had a purple random Pippo couldn't control it Just couldn't one day. I my ring camera goes off the dog. I'm watching it I wish I think my next love the video her dog Open my door and we're in my fucking house And fucking chased my dog all around the house just heard dog going You have to be a dog. What the fuck?

What the fuck just heard Don screaming what the hell are you breaking it? By a dog I do although I will say our dog one time turned the gas on on the oven. Oh my god Yes, that's a good thing. Insanely dangerous. Oh, die in the middle. Did you imagine finding that out later? It goes, what happened to him? It goes, the gas, it looks like we need a suicide. The dog killed us.

The dog actually murdered us. You go out and lie to bowl and you're fucking head just bl- I will tell you, it is fine. You want to build Gale's apartment across the street? I can fix that. Christina's so much more masculine than me me in I've gotten fine at it took a while You can just period the end of it. No, no way He went you sang that to it. No way fucking no way. That's a fucking lot

Christine's got every she's got she's got adopted dog face What's wrong with your dogs? My girlfriend she's a rescue Seems a rescue girlfriend we're talking about with Christine. We have the photo of when she went dental work in her mouth and work right It's a great greatest photo ever. It's such a funny picture. But I will say, it's funny how fast you get over, but when I first started taking the dog out,

even when she was little, little, and she would shit, like picking it up, I would get like the gags almost at him. And now it's like I could just grab it. But off the ground outside, it still hits me in the house. Yeah. She just makes that guess. She's all over the floor. And isn up in the house. They should all over the floor. I was a foreign person or should all over the floor Some others love do you have a step in shit barefoot in the house?

I did or when we when she was really young and she should I did see it was So frustrating it goes to your toes like Play-Doh. It comes out like spaghetti shit on the other side. It does exactly what happened. It makes a moldy your toes. I was getting ready to go play basketball too, as well as changing my socks so I barefooted it. My friend had a roomba.

He went out one day and the dog di diarrhea shitted in the kitchen and the rumble came and just spread it like peanut butter. I've heard that's a big problem with that. That's a big problem with the room, but it'll just pick up dogs. She'd just drag it around your house. Well, we would excuse Dawkins because she really only went like if she has an upset stomach and she had diarrhea, but the other day it was just fucking raining outside at night. So this little princess didn't want to go and she just took nice regular dumps on our board.

I got to respect that. I got to respect that. I was like, look, you guys, you had to get to the top floor all the way down that fucking long hallway, go fuck yourself. If I wake up and the dog's not in the bed, I've before done where I just kind of go, I was like, what are you doing, dogs get back in bed and I should always go look

because she's done something. She sleeps through the night pretty much in the bed. If you wake up and she's not in the bed, she's probably shitting in the house, but it is extremely rare. Doodles will scratch the door. Show me, you'll hear a scratch, scratch, and show me, wait, and by the door. And now she's doing this thing because Dawn gives her a treat every time she goes out. So now she'll just go scratch on the door to go out for a second, come back

in just to get the fucking treat. That bugs me. Smart dog. Smart dog, but it bothers me. What is going on with a crazy bitch? It's shriking, you guys. Yeah, I don't like it. But I do like, I love doodles, but I miss diva.

I have diva, I got a cream-handed. I have her in my office. Do you have her necklace still? Huh? Do you have her little necklace still? It's in the cremation box, yeah. I do. So they told you, oh, we burnt that too, and they just kept it. No, they kept it. Oh, it's on the box. I felt bad because Calbee died

in the middle of the night. Just naturally died in the bed with Dawn, she came out and all that jazz. But doodles, I felt like a month later, she just started spinning. Doodles, I mean, diva, yes, all right, diva, step, started spinning and Don called me crying. She's like, she's spinning, she got something wrong with her. And I, you know, that's my dog, too.

Kelby was her dog. Do, diva was mine kind of, And she had to take it to the vet, and she had to put it down. I felt terrible, because I wanted to be there and do that, because I know myself enough, I don't know. I'd be surprised, maybe you find that an instinct in yourself, but if tomorrow, I'll kiss my dog on the mouth, and she could lick my face, supin' down,

none of that weirds me out or anything. If I woke up one morning and the dog, God forbid was just dead on the ground. It's immediately the most disgusting thing in the world in the end of the day. I'm like, oh, I'm not touching it. You don't have to tell me. She came out crying at five in the morning with the dog.

Oh, just the carcass. And she gave it to me. We cried for around a half hour together. And then she said, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, what do I fucking do with this? She's like, well, you know, car disposal.

She's like, bury it. I'm like, what do you, it's dark out. Like, I don't wanna go on the fucking back yard by my zone in the dead body. I'm like, bury it. Is it fucking? You've seen any Stephen King movie ever. You're like, oh, let me grab a lantern.

I'll go out and dig a hole. She's like, we'll put it in the freezer. I'm like, I would, no, I'm gonna put it in the freezer. We have a friend who's quite crazy. Our friend Michelle, who is the best, but she is a wonderful, you guys on that Michelle. Our friend Michelle, she's come here before. Michelle has a zillion dogs at all times one of her dogs died and she was like she decided to get the dog taxidermied

But so we're talking by the way Versace Versace died Good name. Yeah, and she just wrapped it in plastic bag and put it in the Kitchen freezer The freezer in the kitchen on the refrigerator uh, we, the housekeeper came in and opened it up and just saw a dead frozen dog next to the McCain fucking pizza bagels or whatever. Jimmy Johnson. It was so crazy and she was like, oh yeah, and then she set it up to get taxidermy and then she went and saw it And was like oh no and just left it there. How did the dog guy did the another dog try to lick its ass? I want to just shot it Everybody thanks for listening that was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show

If you want the whole thing go to serious xiusXM.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates. Coming to a city near you. Go lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo